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The Set, Pilot Episode
by Mike Willemse, John Picciottoli and Don Leclair (setsnprops@yahoo.ca)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***1/2
The story of 3 grown men who have been friends since their teenage years and their day to day lives working in the Toronto Film industry, with a bonus "inside show" that they are currently working on.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author. Some characters on the inside show are obviously borrowed from those already existing, and every step will be made to ensure that no copyright laws are violated in the process of making this project a bona-fide television production.



THE SET, PILOT EPISODE

FADE IN:

INT. INTRO, ST. IGNATIOUS' PUB AND GRILLE - NIGHT
                                                            
The camera begins outside the doorway and we see a sign that
says "St. Ignatious' Pub and Grille, Little Newfoundland,
Toronto, Ontario", then wanders inside with the intro music
playing (Kim Mitchell's "Accidents of Passion"?! Maybe
something more Celtic like Kim's version of Sudury Saturday
Night...). It pans up to the bar where people are drinking
and talking, then centres on a table where 2 hard working
Newfoundland seafarers are discussing the day over beers. In
the background we see people shooting darts, playing pool &
shuffleboard and talking animatedly. On one corner of the
bar is a guy who looks like Homer Simpson, on the other
corner are two guys who look a lot like Norm and Cliffy.
                                                            
                       LUMBER
That shore was a nice day out
t'day raght?! Caught nuff shrimp
ta git Mama th' operation she
needs!
                                                            
He downs his beer.
                                                            
                       LUMBER
Now I gatta find me a hoo-ker what
knows what she's do-ing. Don't
tell Mama.
                                                            
                       GARGAMELD
But Skipper, what if Mama finds
out?! She'll put your boils in a
mitt grinder!
                                                            
The people at the next table clink glasses and yell "HERE
HERE!" Lumber casts them an inquisitive eye and continues.
                                                            
                       LUMBER
Mama don't scare me none since I
took her gun...

(reaches down and pulls giant
rifle from under table)

Ah reckon this here's what done
all the intima-datin'...
                                                            

2.

                       GARGAMELD
But Skipper, you can't walk around
with that thing there like that
there! Somebody'll pop a cap in
yer ass!
                                                            
                       LUMBER
Hey little buddy, them peoples
don't scare me none neither with
this here thing lahk this here.

(He suddenly looks around toward
the bar)

HEY BARKEEP, WHERE THE HELL'S MY
BEER?!
                                                            
Gargameld ducks for cover as Lumber does the one-hand load
and fires a shot through the ceiling.
                                                            
                       BOBARINO
Aw geesh, like aw geesh, ya shot
my ceiling again Mr. Burpp... OK
here's yer beer... Aw geesh...
                                                            
                       BARNEY
Wuh... wuh... weeeeell, I, EYE
don't believe that the shooting,
uh, thing, was called for and uh,
I uh, think the next round should
be ona houshe... uh HE HE HE HE
HE! (Barney Rubble laugh)
                                                            
                       GARGAMELD
But Barney! Babarino can't afford
that with the big hole he's gatta
fix in eez roof! Lard tund'rin
geez b'ye, are ya drunk?!
                                                            
                       BARNEY
Duh DRUNK! Being drunk me son is a
state of mind, like Socrates said
to... uh... like the little Smurf
said to... uh... them udder guys
what always hung around 'eem,
life's too short so don't fart in
a closed room, uh HE HE HE HE HE!
                                                            
                       LUMBER
Mama always said you can stand the
smell of yer own but not nobody
else's.
                                                            

3.

                       BARNEY
Shuuuuh... she's a shmart woman
that Mama o' yers! Now I need
anuder shot fer me pickle...
                                                            
Lumber and Gargameld look at each other, then Lumber takes a
swig of his beer and spills it all over himself...
                                                            
                       LUMBER
Oh dear, Ah done speeled mah beer
all over mah dickie...
                                                            
                       BARNEY
I've alwaysh shaid you couldn't
hold yer booze Lumber ...you
should get ME ta hol' it fer ya...

(A Fred Flintstone lookalike walks
past in the background)
                                                            
                       LUMBER
Aw shucks Barn, ya know I couldn't
done do that... now I gots ta git
meself cleaned up before Mama
wonders what da heck I been up ta!
                                                            
He stands up, pushes his chair out and begins to walk away.
The camera pans back and it becomes apparent that this is a
show within a show, as the Director yells...
                                                            
                       FULGHAM
CUUUT! Okay I liked it. Let's turn
around on background.Print that,
CHECK THE GAAAAA...

(he realizes he's standing beside
the camerman...)

TUH... sorry. Check the gate.
                                                            
The camera man looks like he was caught in a windstorm. He
puts himself back together and the puller opens up the
camera...
                                                            
Johnny Props jumps in with another mug of beer, wardrobe
replaces Tom's shirt and everybody stretches and studies
their sides.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
First take?! Wow, what's up with
that?!
                                                            

4.

                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
Nobody touch anything on the
table!
                                                            
Mike checks the notes on his side as the cameras and lights
get ready for a reverse...
                                                            
                       DONUL
I need a C-Stand, a 2X3 flag and a
butt plug over here!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
Judging from that walk I don't
think you need another butt plug.
                                                            
                       DONUL
Well it'll be easier than taking
down the 20K over there... heeeey,
shaddap you!
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
Speaking of beer, my last batch of
Raspberry Wheat turned out pretty
nice, you guys want some?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
I dunno man, the last time I tried
your brew I had noxious rotting
elk trying to escape through my
colon.
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
Yeah, too much sediment. I cut way
back on the Mongolian Civet Coffee
grounds additive.
                                                            
                       DONUL
Moronsisters wha?!
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
Heh, Mongolian Civet coffee, very
expensive. See, they feed these
coffee bean to a Mongolian Civet,
that's a big cat, and wait for the
digestive process to break down
the beans just right, then when
the civet takes a...
                                                            
                       FIRST AD
Are we ready to go yet people?!
                                                            
The crew sets off in all different directions when we hear
                                                            

5.

                       JOHNNY PROPS
PROPS GOOD TO WENT!
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
SET DEC LOCKED AND LOADED!
                                                            
                       DONUL
READY SPIELBURG!
                                                            
                       FULGHAM
      (Looks around
       confused...)
Who the hell said that?!
Do we need a rehearsal? No? Good!
                                                            
                       FIRST AD
Lock it up! (buzzer)
Rolling! Sound? (Speed!!!)
And...background...
                                                            
                       FULGHAM
aaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnd... ACTION!!!
                                                            
The lines are the same as the beginning but taken from a
reverse angle. Keep showing this for 3 to 5 seconds, then
cut. The First AD keeps sniffing the air suspiciously...
                                                            
                       FULGHAM
CUUUUUUUUUUT! Ummmm, can I get a
20K over here?! (Points in
direction of bar)
                                                            
Don looks up, rolls eyes and heads to gripland...
                                                            
                       FIRST AD
      (Sniff, sniff...)
What the hell, I keep smelling
maple bacon!

(Sniff sniff...)
                                                            
 
INT. CRAFT TRUCK, EARILER THAT DAY - DAY
                                                            
Slowly fade into this scene with a marquee saying "Earlier
That Day, Shoot Day One", roll it over the following:

A fog of smoke and shadowy figures moving around. We hear
voices and bacon sizzling. We slowly realize we are in a
terribly crowded craft truck. First day of shooting, first
thing in the morning. A short little old guy in a red
lumberjacket enters behind John.
                                                            

6.

                       ROGER
      (Thick French
       accent)
ALLO JOHN!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
      (Faking accent)
AAALLLOOO ROGERRRRRRRR! So what
have you been working on?
                                                            
                       ROGER
Who me? Well, I no been working
too much. Tings slow slow slow.
Holy boy las year it so eeeeasy
you know?!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
Yeah I know. How 'bout you Captain
Mikey? Still trying to get that
website up?
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
No, I gave up. People just don't
know a good thing when they see
it.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
What was it...?
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
... hamsters. Frolicking
hamsters. Habitrail hamsters.
Hammy hamsters. Delightful fun
creatures. Kids love em... Twelve
hits in 3 months, can you believe
... (starts
coughing) Sparkles! Are you done
paving our lungs yet? I don't know
why I bothered showering this
morning. I smell like a plate of
maple bacon.
                                                            
They have to shift to camera left as a big burly guy makes
his way out of the craft truck carrying several breakfast
burritos, licking his lips and smiling with his eyes half
open.
                                                            
                       SPARKLES
Anyone for a breakfast burrito?
It's got scrambled eggs, bacon,
salsa and seven types of
cheese...anyone?
                                                            

7.

                       JOHNNY PROPS
Jeez, heart attack on a plate.
                                                            
                       ROGER
I take dares too. And some for da
cat, OK den?!
(scoops up an
armload and
leaves)
OK bye bye boy. Have a good first
day.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
      (AND MIKEY)
HOKAY DEN ROGER!
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
Man, my arteries are crispy
enough, you know I make crinkly
noises when I walk?! Nuh uh...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
Yeah I know. So do you guys know
this director? I hear he's an
asshole. Shoots all the coverage
first, then the master, then more
coverage. The up-the-nose shot,
the twitchy hand shot, the quick
cut-away to the pencil on the desk
that has nothing to do with the
script shot.Shit, cover the whole
room from every angle and even I
could be a director.
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
Can you say hack, boys and girls?
I knew you could.
                                                            
                       FULGHAM
(coughing
apparently from
the smoke)

HACK!

(more coughing)
                                                            
                       DONUL
Hey man, what do you do? Hair,
Makeup, Wardrobe?
                                                            

8.

                       FULGHAM
(leaving)

Hack

(smiles at them)
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
Motherpusbucket!!!
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
FARGIN BASTARGES!!! This should be
an interesting
show,hmmmm?
(exits out of
frame with two tuna
sandwhiches and a coffee)
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
Shut up, Hamster Boy!
(chucks a
breakfast burrito
at him and exits
too)
                                                            
 
INT. SET OF ST. IGNATIOUS PUB AND GRILLE - DAY
                                                            
Add a marquee that says "Later, but still earlier that day.
Before the opening scene. You'll get it, just keep
watching."
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
(To self, walking
into set with set
decoration on two
wheeled dolly)

Stupid maple bacon smell all over
my clean clothes now I'm gonna
smell like this all day Sparkles
trying to kill all of us stupid
Johnny Props throws a burrito at
me I gotta get a real job...
                                                            
Lots of workers milling about on the set as Mikey is
mumbling, camera goes past lighting and gripland to show bar
set in background, shows sign that says TOO DRINK MINIMUM
B'YE! as Cap Mike is mumbling to himself. Suddeny he drops
his two-wheel dolly... he looks in horror as it slowly
bounces once, twice, three times, cut back to him hitting
the dirt as the dolly explodes...
                                                            

9.

                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
(Brushing dolly
shrapnel off self)
Great. Now I have an exploded
dolly AND I smell like maple
bacon.
                                                            
Donul walks in and suveys the scene...
                                                            
                       DONUL
Hey Hampster boy! What the hell
happened here?!
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
(Embarrassed)
Stupid exploding dolly again,
third one this month.
                                                            
                       DONUL
Hmmmm, Looks like you need a new
one...


They stare at each other dumbly
for a few beats. Mikey starts to
storm away muttering again...
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
Stupid Donul nookz nike oo nee a
noo one well duh ya dumb shit of
course I nee...
                                                            
                       DONUL
(Leaning in toward Mike)
Wait, wait, hold on a sec. (Deep
breath) Look, here's all ya gatta
do, I'll leave a tongue dolly by
the back stage door, BEFORE
tonight's shoot is over go out
there and grab it, then throw it
in your truck, take it home and
paint it. Voila! Hello Dolly!
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
No way dude! Listen, you might get
away with shit like that but I
sure as hell don't! Remember the
wig incident?!
                                                            
Flash back to Donul and Johnny sitting in a bar, some years
younger. They are exchanging stifled mirth and glances.
Widen to reveal Mikey wearing a bright yellow-blonde wig and

10.

red bandana on his head. He also has a dark two-day growth
of beard. Looking completely ridiculous and oblivious, he
flirts and carouses. 8-10 seconds...
                                                            
                       DONUL
(Laughing to the
point of crying)
Oh man you looked so stupid!!!
BWAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
                                                            
In walks Johnny Props...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
Hey man, what's so funny?
                                                            
                       DONUL
(catching his breath) The wig
incident...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
The wig incident?! (thinks for a
beat then remembers) ... heh,heh,
oh yeah, he heh heh... you looked
ummm, well, interesting! With the
red thing and the hehehe the wig
hooohoo! (Laughter gets worse by
the second)
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
      (Shoots him an
       annoyed look)
So I heard already. Geeeesh,
doesn't take much to amuse you
guys. Think I'll walk over here
and pick my nose until shooting
starts...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
      (AND DONUL)

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
...Did ya see the yeah and thing
with the red Yeah Yeah and the
ponytail AAAAAAHAHAHAHA and those
girls OH YEAH AND THE OOHOHOHOH
hehehehehehehe...
                                                            
The two of them are laughing as Mike walks onto hot set to
do an inspection...
                                                            
 

11.

INT. HOT SET ST. IGNATIOUS PUB AND GRILLE - DAY
                                                            
Add rolling marquee that says, "Later again, but still
earlier that day. Are you getting the drift of what we do
around here? Keep watching either way, you'll really like
it. Really, really like it. More than anything you've ever
wa..."

Mike swats away the marquee.
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
      (Mumbling to self
       again)
...stupid wig incident why didn't
they tell me I looked like a
moron stupid people... (suddenly
positive) The band was good
though! (heavy sigh)... Better
check the set...
                                                            
Cap Mikey walks around set for 2-3 seconds and Johnny Props
joins him, wiping tears out of his eyes and still
laughing...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
Hee hee heeeeeeee, and the red
thing, and you...(can't continue)
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
Yes, yes, I know how foolish I am,
hee hee hee look at me. We have
work to do laughing boy so ya
wanna give me a hand please?

(Rolls eyes in disgust)
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
Yeah but I mean you looked
hilarious!
BWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
Gimme a break man, why is
everything a mockery to you? Am I
the only one with two brain cells
to rub together? Some day when I
get out of this.. this hamster
wheel..I'm gonna put as much space
between.. can we just move on?
Damn, makes me wanna get medievil
on your ass...
                                                            

12.

                       JOHNNY PROPS
Oh God! My sides hurt!
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
Good! Speaking of sides, where the
hell are mine?!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
Aw man?! Lighten up! Here...

(Hands Mike a side)

Everybody's propped up and we're
good to go.

(Stifles more laughter, Mike
shoots him another dirty look)
                                                            
In walks Donul with a brand-spankin' new Tongue dolly...
                                                            
                       DONUL
Hey Mikey here ya go! It'll be
parked outside by the back stage
door.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
Hey, let's put a wig on it!
                                                            
                       DONUL
      (AND MIKEY)
SHUT UP JOHN!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
And a... and a red bandanna!
                                                            
John and Don start laughing again when the First AD walks
in. Mike beats a hasty retreat to the back of the hot set
and the First AD walks over to the two laughing hyenas...
                                                            
                       FIRST AD
(Hands on hips,
stern look on
face...)
Something funny?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
(Barely above a
whisper)
...d'oh!...
                                                            
                       FIRST AD
Then answer your walkie, I've been
calling to move a flat...
                                                            

13.

                       JOHNNY PROPS
OK actually there is something
funny, c'mere...

(starts whispering into AD's
ear...
                                                            
Play appropriate background music and show crew getting
ready to shoot...
                                                            
                       FIRST AD
(Laughing hysterically)
BWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... so he
puts on the wig?!... and the
bandana?! Hehehehehehe, and the
thing with the girls... (laughs
more) ...and the beard... oh man
it's shoot day one and I REALLY
needed that laugh!!!

(Looks over at Mike) Sorry dude,
but maaaaaaaaaan that's too
much... Ahhhhhh I need to pull
myself back together...

(Re-attaches arm that fell off)
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
(Sarcastic)
Yeah, hee hee ho ho and I guess
the set is watching itself? Are we
going to make out day, Darryl?
                                                            
                       FIRST AD
(into his walkie)
Frakie, travel cast.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
PROPS GOOD TO GO!
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
SET DEC GOOD TO GO!
                                                            
                       DONUL
READY SPIELBURG!
                                                            
                       FIRST AD
Speilburg?! Who keeps saying
that...

Where are my actors?!
                                                            

14.

                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
I think the Dingos ate them...
                                                            
Tom walks onto set in full costume
                                                            
                       TOM CLANCY
Noop, no Dingos back stage...
coupla keggers though!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
Here they come...

(All eyes are toward the stage
door, the rest of the actors
re-enter the set...)
                                                            
                       FIRST AD
(Sill stifling laughter)

OK, that's good then. Are we uh,
all ready to go? Let's rehearse!
Lots of work to do!
                                                            
                       SPARKLES
Breakfast burritos! Anybody for
early subs? Seven types of cheese!
                                                            
                       DONUL
It's gonna be a looooooong day...
                                                            
 
EXT. PARKING LOT, THAT NIGHT - NIGHT
                                                            
Add marquee that says, "OK, now we're back on the proper
time line. You see?! It all makes sense now! Oh wait, it
will after this scene..."

John swats away the marquee this time.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
(Walking like Johnny Props walks)

Not a bad first day huh?! The
gunshot was a little much though.
I'm hungry. And c...
                                                            
                       DONUL
Cold, right?! You're never one or
the other, it's always cold and
hungry.
                                                            

15.

                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
And when you smoked, you wanted a
smoke too...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
Shaddap... Hey wanna grab a beer
to celebrate the first day?
                                                            
                       DONUL
I'm goin' home man, Too tired..
Maybe this weekend, though...
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
YOU'RE TIRED?! Man, I have an hour
and a half drive home, at least
you guys are close!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
(AND DONUL)
SO MOVE CLOSER DUM DUM... HEY You
owe me a beer-you owe me a
beer-you owe me a beer...
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
Fergit it man, you guys owe ME a
beer, hahahahahaha!!!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
(AND DONUL)
SHADDAP MIKE... HEY! You owe me a
beer-you owe me a beer-you owe me
a beer-you owe me a beer
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
(pointing to John)
You lose! Loser! NYAAAAAAAA!!! Uh
anyway, I wanna see if the
craft truck is still here. I need
some java.
                                                            
                       DONUL
Hey you forgot the tongue dolly!
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
No I didn't. I'll get caught,
that's the way it is with me. You
guys wouldn't, but I would, it's a
fact of life and I've accepted it.
                                                            
Flashback to a 5 year old Mike with hands in cookie jar in a
1970's style kitchen with lots of greens and yellows, cops
busting down door, taking him away in handcuffs, 5-6
seconds...
                                                            

16.

                       JOHNNY PROPS
Well if you weren't so high-strung
you wouldn't be so obvious!
                                                            
The three of them pause for a second, leaning against a
pillar or some similar prop in the parking lot...
                                                            
                       DONUL
Yeah Mike, every time you go to
pull a scam you tense right up and
look guilty as hell! Relax man!
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
That's because every freakin' time
I try some crap like that I get
caught! Every time!
                                                            
                       DONUL
Mike, relaxing is the key, I mean
what- are- the- chances of you
getting caught?!
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
MY chances?! About a 110%!!!
Seriously, thanks Don, but no
thanks. I'd put that thing in the
back of my Jeep and end up getting
pulled over by the only cop in
Ontario who knows what a Tongue
Dolly looks like and what colour
it's supposed to be!
                                                            
Cut to cop sitting on side of 401 studying a Film Industry
guide...
                                                            
                       COP
      (Folds book up)
Heh heh heh, some day this will
pay off, heh heh heh...
                                                            
Cut back to parking lot.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
You're too stressed man. Here,
take one of these...
                                                            
Johnny sticks out his tongue and reaches around in his
famous jacket pocket for something...
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
Uuuuuuhhhhh no thanks, it'll
either make me fart or turn my
skin red or maybe it's some kind
            (MORE)

17.

                       CAPTAIN MIKEY (cont'd)
of Eastern Arabian strain of the
Sheik's lawn or some weird shit,
forget it!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
WHAAAT, ya don't trust me?!
heheheHEHEHEhehehehe...
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
Yeah right Mr. I went to China and
studied Holistic Medicine and now
I can really play with people's
universal scheme of things!
Anyway, it's a long drive home and
the Craft Truck just pulled out so
I need to find a Tim's and go
sleepy-byes! See you guys in da
marnin!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
(AND DONUL)
HOKAY DEN! HEEEEEY... YOUOWEMEA...
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
Ohfercryinoutloud... Later guys!
                                                            
Mike rolls his eyes and walks toward his Jeep. He unlocks
the door, gets in, starts it up and pulls out of the parking
lot. Don and John head their seperate ways in silence in
the meantime, get into their vehicles and leave. Some loud
rock music is playing in the background as Mike pulls into a
Tim Hortons, we see the smile on his face as he heads toward
the Drive-Through and he's the only one there... End the
scene with a high shot of the studio and a barely-lit sign
that says St. Igantious' Pub and Grille, complete with the
spelling mistake.
                                                            
 
EXT. PARKING LOT, THE NEXT MORNING... - DAY
                                                            
Johnny Props pulls slowly into parking lot at studio and
finds a place to park. He gets out of his car and stands
still for a moment as we see and hear about 80 cars come
flying in at a hundred miles per hour, park at the same
speed and the drivers get out and walk at that speed toward
the studio. John retrieves his shirt from the car antenna
which was blown off in the hurricane-like winds, puts it
back on and fixes his hair.

Quick-time to a Starbucks a block away, cut back to
John smiling and nodding his head in understanding. Don and
Mike pull in slowly, get out of their vehicles and walk
toward John...
                                                            

18.

                       JOHNNY PROPS
Ugh.
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
Yup.
                                                            
                       DONUL
Uh huh.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
Need...
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
...coffee...
                                                            
                       DONUL
...now...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
Where...
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
...Craft...
                                                            
                       DONUL
...truck?...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
Mmmmmmmmmmmm....
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
..craaaaaaaaaaaaaft...

                                                            
                       DONUL
...truuuuuuuuck...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
Look!...
                                                            
                       DONUL
...this...
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
...way!...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
Found...
                                                            

19.

                       DONUL
...craft...
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
...truck!...
                                                            
The three of them start to walk slowly toward the Craft
Truck during the above exchange as the line up builds in
record time. They find themselves at the end of the line
that took under 2 seconds to build... their tongues are
hanging out and their eyeballs are bulging... smoke is once
again rolling out the back of the truck as the big burly guy
walks past our heros again with a stack of food and the same
half-open eyes and goofy smile...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
Hey man, I spotted a Starbucks
about a block away, you guys wanna
go there?!
                                                            
                       DONUL
Starbucks?! YEEEEESH! Yuck, forget
it...
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
Johnny man, if you can get there
and back before this line thins
out I'LL BUY!!!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
(In voice of Homer
Simpson)
It's a deal!
                                                            
                       DONUL
Hmmmmmmmm, well if you're
buying...
                                                            
Roger walks past them with 5 or 6 breakfast burritos...
                                                            
                       ROGER
Holy Boy, da cat gonna like dis!
                                                            
 
INT. SET OF ST. IGNATIOUS PUB AND GRILLE - DAY
                                                            
Camera pans about halfway around the hot set and stops on
the three heros sipping Starbucks coffee and enjoying
themselves...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
                                                            

20.

                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
Coooooooooooooooffeeeeeeeeeeee
                                                            
                       DONUL
Yeah I gatta admit it's not too
bad for coffee...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
Yeah right, you like coffee...
                                                            
                       DONUL
Uuhhhhh yeah it's alright, I don't
really drink a lot of it though...
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
      (Almost hugging
       coffee cup...)
Mmmmmmmmmmmmm...
                                                            
                       DONUL
(Looks at Mike for
half a second...)
Sheeesh man, do you want me to end
up like him?!
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
I'm not so bad, how could I be
after all these years?!
                                                            
Flashback to the three of them dancing in a circle at the
age of 16, long hair waving in the wind, AC/DC shirts on,
Mike pulling out his drivers' license and then show a car
driving in a circle with happy smily faces inside, cut to
the three of them walking up the road with gas cans in their
hands...

Fulgham walks in front of them...
                                                            
                       FULGHAM
So boys, are you ready to go to
work or would you prefer to
reminisce all day long?!
                                                            
They get up and walk toward the set as Fulgham walks in the
other direction...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
Props good to go!
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
Set dec locked and loaded!
                                                            

21.

                       DONUL
      (From some
       mysterious place
       on the set...)
READY SPEILBURG!
                                                            
Fulgham stops in his tracks and looks around the set...
                                                            
                       FULGHAM
Who the hell keeps saying that?!
                                                            
 
INT. HOT SET ST. IGNATIOUS PUB AND GRILLE - DAY
                                                            
                       FIRST AD
Rolling

(voice yells SOUND SPEED! in
background)
                                                            
                       FULGHAM
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand, ACTION!
                                                            
A quiet hush falls over the set... cut to actual footage of
St. Ignatious shot on film if possible, as if the audience
is really watching the show...
                                                            
                       BOBARINO
      (To Barney)
So OK like I get this call right?
And like the guy on de udder end
says, I might already be a winner!
I'm like, WHA?! You don't know?
Why are you calling me then?!
                                                            
                       BARNEY
      (Buuuuuuuurp)
Um yeah?! And uh, so the guy with
the thing, right? And they don't
know and you axed a keshun. Yup I
gotchya!
                                                            
                       BOBARINO
Ya know like every since I moved
to Little Newfoundland from Queens
I gatta tell ya it's been weird,
right?! It's not like I got no
friends here OK, but uh, I kinda
miss de ole place ya know?!
                                                            

22.

                       BARNEY
Eeeeeeee eeyeah, the place with
the old! And the guys what do the
stuff, I gotchya!
                                                            
                       BOBARINO
Aw geesh, thanks fer listenin'
Barney, sometimes I think yer de
only friend I got b'ye!
                                                            
Lumber and Gargameld walk into the bar during the last
line...
                                                            
                       GARGAMELD
But Skipper!
                                                            
                       LUMBER
Ah ain't said no-thing yet! Mama
always said you oughta have
sumthin said afore you use an
inter-ject-shon!
                                                            
                       GARGAMELD
But Skipper!
                                                            
                       LUMBER
      (To Barney)
Ah don't think that boy's brain is
raght, and dat's all Ah gots ta
say about dat. Oh hey Barn!
                                                            
At this point the camera pans back to show the set and
crew...
                                                            
                       FULGHAM
CUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!

OK peoples not bad not bad, uh
Barney, could you be a little more
drunk? I'm having a hard time
believing it, maybe we should
change your last line somewhat...
                                                            
                       BARNEY
      (Sounds like
       Captain Picard)
Yes I could! With some
encouragement I could find it deep
from within the bowells of my soul
to project a more inebriated
charactah than what I have indeed
been doing!

            (MORE)

23.

                       BARNEY (cont'd)
(starts doing voice and breathing
excercises...)
                                                            
The cast and crew break out in laughter as Fulgham is
obviously embarrassed...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
(Checking props)
Ho boi...
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
(Checking set
decoration)
Uh huh...
                                                            
                       FIRST AD
LOCK IT UP! SPEED?

(SPEEDY GONZALES!)

BACKGROUND!
                                                            
                       FULGHAM

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd....
ACTION!
                                                            
Show 5-6 seconds of the second take, end scene...
                                                            
 
EXT. PARKING LOT, THAT NIGHT - NIGHT
                                                            
Our three heros emerge from the stage door carrying their
stuff. A car drives by, the horn honks and they wave.
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
I still haven't found a black hole
to drive through so I better find
a gas station that's open. I have
the worst luck with them things...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
Hey, d'ya figure Santa Clause uses
one o' them black holes?! I mean,
how else could he hit every house
in the world in one night?!
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
Probably, makes sense to me.
                                                            
                       DONUL
If I was him I'd use one, damn
tootin'!
                                                            

24.

                       JOHNNY PROPS
Yeah pobly me too.
                                                            
                       DONUL
      (To Mikey)
Hey do you still want that tongue
dolly?
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
Is it still there?!
                                                            
                       DONUL
Yeah man, right over there! Look!
                                                            
They look but each see something different. Don sees dollar
signs and a used car ribbon around it, John sees the dolly
itself but hears a frog croaking, Mike sees police tape and
flashing red lights around it. Cut back to them...
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
Heh no way man, not gonna go
there...
                                                            
                       DONUL
Wadya mean?! Just grab it and
throw it in your Jeep!
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
Wadya mean wado I mean?! Didn't
you see the police tape and
flashing red lights?! Forget it,
thanks but no thanks...
                                                            
                       DONUL
(To John)
Man, sometimes that guy doesn't
make no sense...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
(Laughing like
Johnny Props
laughs...)

Hmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmmmmmm, don't make
no
sense!
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
Look I said forget it, I'll grab
the non-exploding model this
weekend, OK?! Anyway I have
to go, see you guys tomorrow.
What's call, 8?
                                                            

25.

                       DONUL
7 for you guys, we're all set up
and good to go. See ya at 8, heh
heh heh...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY PROPS
(Speaking like Apu)
OGAY den dank you gum again boi
boi now!
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN MIKEY
(Getting in Jeep)
Cool, it didn't snow!
                                                            
John and Don each get in their vehicles and drive off. Show
various shots of the 3 of them driving home, adjusting their
stereos, picking their noses etc. over the rolling credits.
                                                            


THE END


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From Paul Shannon Date 8/7/2005 ***1/2
Not a bad idea. This has alot of potential. Real cool. Script is interesting.


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