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by Brandon and Gerald Young (gyoung1977@gmail.com)

Rated:

Genre: Comedy User Review:

It's that guy you love to hate getting what he deserves.

FADE IN:

EXT. BEACH - DAY

We see a FIVE-YEAR-OLD VERSION OF DOUGLAS MCMONOHAN on a
beach. The weather is very hot and a lot of children are
playing near the water. Many are in the water, jumping in
and out, trying to stay cool. A LITTLE GIRL is building a
sand castle. Douglas walks over to her.

FIVE-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
Whatcha doin'?

LITTLE GIRL
Building a sand castle. It's
going to be the biggest castle
ever and only princesses can play;
no peasants.

Young Douglas becomes angry. He walks over to the nice sand
castle and kicks it over.

FIVE-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
You mean you was building a sand
castle.

The little girl starts crying. Douglas stands triumphantly,
laughing at his mischief.

EXT. SCHOOL PLAYGROUND - DAY

We see a TEN-YEAR-OLD VERSION OF DOUGLAS MCMONOHAN playing
tag with another child, BILLY. Other children are playing
on the swings, see-saws, etc... Douglas and Billy are
running all over the elementary school playground. Douglas
is the one being chased and is on the verge of being tagged
by his opponent. His chaser finally catches up to him and
tags him. They both stop to catch their breath.

BILLY
Tag, you're it.

TEN-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
No, I'm not. You didn't tag me.

BILLY
Yes, I did. I'll do it again.

Billy reaches over and tags Douglas on his arm.

BILLY
Tag, you're it again.

TEN-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
You didn't tag me; I had my
inpenetrable force-field on. When
I have it on you can't tag me. I
have it on all the time, so I'll
never be it.

BILLY
I don't want to play with you
anymore; you don't play fair.

TEN-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
You can buy my force-field off me
if you want.

BILLY
I'm going back inside.

TEN-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
I don't want to play with you
anyway. If you can't play by the
rules, then don't play at all.
That's what I always say.

Billy leaves young Douglas and ventures back toward the
entrance of the school.

INT. BASEMENT - DAY

The FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD VERSION OF DOUGLAS MCMONOHAN is in his
basement smoking weed with his older brother,
TWENTY-YEAR-OLD VERSION OF TRAVIS MCMONOHAN. They are both
sitting on beanbag chairs. The chairs are pretty old and
have duct tape masking where holes have been made. Douglas
takes the joint from his brother and inhales. After taking
the hit, he slowly passes it back to his brother.

FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
You know what, big bro? One day
I'm gonna take over this city.

Travis takes a hit off the joint, exhales and holds the
joint in his fingers.

TWENTY-YEAR-OLD TRAVIS
And just how do you figure this is
going to happen?

FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
I'm gonna win enough money to get
me rich and famous. After that, I
can do whatever I want around this
city of sin.

TWENTY-YEAR-OLD TRAVIS
Well, baby bro, I wish you the
best of luck.

Travis passes the joint back over to Douglas who takes it
and puffs on it.

TWENTY-YEAR-OLD TRAVIS
I've got my audition next week. I
can't believe my dream is finally
gonna come true.

FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
That's right, my brother is gonna
be in porn. That is so sweet. I'm
gonna be hanging out with you all
the time. Hot, skanky chicks are
my forte.

TWENTY-YEAR-OLD TRAVIS
We'll see little bro, we'll see.
You just try to make that pipe
dream of being the richest man in
Vegas come true. Speaking of pipe
dreams, pass that "j" over here.

FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
By the time I'm thirty-three, I'll
be the wealthiest gambler in
Vegas. You just wait.

Douglas takes another hit off the joint, pretends to pass it
back to Travis, pulls it back, and inhales again. He leans
back into his beanbag as Travis gives him a dirty look.
Douglas just sits there and smiles.

TWENTY-YEAR-OLD TRAVIS
(under his breath)
Asshole.

EXT. CASINO EXIT/LAS VEGAS STRIP - NIGHT

A large SECURITY GUARD is shown dragging DOUGLAS out of a
casino. Douglas is unkempt, looking as if he's stayed up
for a week straight playing poker. He is thirty-three years

old, overweight, slightly balding, and has a five o'clock
shadow like none other. The burly security guard tosses
Douglas out onto the street.

SECURITY GUARD
And stay out.

DOUGLAS
You stay out. I don't want to
play here anymore anyway. All the
players here are cheaters. If you
can't play by the rules, then
don't play at all. That's what I
always say.

As Douglas straightens his clothes out from being ruffled up
a card falls onto the ground from his sleeve. It is an Ace
of Spades. The guard looks at the card and smiles. Douglas
smiles back.

DOUGLAS
Like I was saying, all the players
at this casino cheat. You gotta
love Las Vegas.

Douglas starts walking away. He sees an ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
talking to an attractive, muscular man, MAN OUTSIDE CASINO.
He sidles up to the woman and interupts their conversation.

DOUGLAS
I seem to have lost my virginity.
Could I have yours?

The man shoves Douglas, nearly knocking him to the ground.

MAN OUTSIDE CASINO
Now that's not a way to talk to a
lady. Especially, MY lady.

DOUGLAS
I was just joking.

Douglas turns around to walk away.

DOUGLAS
(under his breath)
Lay off the steroids there, Mr.
Giambi.

The man heard Douglas say something. He gets frustrated and
walks up to Douglas in anger.

MAN OUTSIDE CASINO
What did you say?

Douglas steps up to the man as if he wants to fight him.
Douglas looks him straight in the eye and says:

DOUGLAS
I said I hope you have a good time
tonight with your girlfriend and
I'm sorry for any inconveniences.

MAN OUTSIDE CASINO
That's what I thought you said.

The man and his girlfriend turn around and start heading
down the strip. Douglas brushes himself off and continues
on his way. There is a PROSTITUTE on the corner. She is not
the best looking of prostitutes, but a prostitute
nonetheless. She is dressed in ratty clothing that looks
like it is ready to fall off at the drop of a dime, or maybe
twenty dollars.

PROSTITUTE
Wanna party, big boy?

DOUGLAS
Will there be cake and ice cream
there?

PROSTITUTE
Mmmm, if that's the way you like
it.

DOUGLAS
Look, you're ugly. You probably
have ghonoherpasyphalaides. Take
this dollar and go clean yourself
up.

Douglas pulls a dollar bill out of his pocket and crinkles
it up. He throws it at the corner worker, hitting her in
the breast. He continues on his way as the street whore
talks back to him.

PROSTITUTE
A dollar? Pimpin' Pete ain't gonna
like this.

DOUGLAS
You can tell whoever Pimpin' Pete
is to suck my chopsticks.

As Douglas journeys farther down the Las Vegas strip, he
turns his head admiring a gorgeous, scantily clad female.
Upon doing so, he trips over a HOMELESS MAN sleeping on the

street, nearly falling. After regaining his composure, he
turns around, looks at the bum, and kicks him in the stomach
with authority.

DOUGLAS
And stay down!

The homeless man grabs his stomach in agony as Douglas
raises his hands in the motion of a field goal kick that is
called good by the referees.

DOUGLAS
And it's good. The crowd goes
wild. RAHHHHHHH!!!RAHHHHHHH!!!

HOMELESS MAN
(writhing in pain)
Assho'.

INT. DINER - NIGHT

TYSON BRECKENWOOD, STEVEN GOLDSCHMIDT, and REX BARTMAN are
all sitting at a booth enjoying coffee waiting for their
late-night breakfasts. Tyson and Steven are sitting next to
each other, while Rex sits by himself across from the
others. They are Douglas' roommates. They do not like
Douglas at all. They are all dressed rather nicely,
clean-shaven, and in their mid-twenties.

TYSON
It is time he goes. He's been here
three months already and his time
has expired. He's like the sour
milk that he leaves in the fridge.
He never pays his bills. He has a
drinking problem. To top it off,
he never showers.

STEVEN
That's not entirely true. I know
he showers. You can tell by the
hair remnants that are left
behind.

TYSON
And what's with that sick
infatuation with stalking semi-
celebrities?

STEVEN
How many posters of Andy Dick does
one need?

REX
Look, whatever happens, we have to
be civil about it. I still think
behind that man lies some
emotional heartbreak and angst.

The men look at each other in silence. Rex breaks the
silence by laughing rather heartily. The others follow suit
with chuckles and snickers of their own.

TYSON
That was a good one.

The gentlemen regain their composure and speak seriously
once again.

REX
All I am saying is that there is
no reason for us to stoop to his
low level.

TYSON
Why should anyone be nice to that
bag of douche?

REX
Humanity, brother. Sure the guy is
an absolute douchebag. There is no
reason why we should add any salt
to his vinegar.

Douglas walks into the diner. He is disheveled from his long
night of gambling. He eyes his roommates who are at the end
booth of the diner near the back corner. He walks over to
sit with them. Rex scoots into the booth as Douglas takes
the seat next to him. Douglas sits awfully close to Rex
even though there is plenty of room for the both of them to
have their own space.

DOUGLAS
What's up, roomies?

STEVEN
What happened to you? Another long
night with the cards?

DOUGLAS
Just pour me some friggin' coffee.

Steven pours Douglas some coffee. Douglas quickly guzzles
the coffee down. He does not even care that the coffee is
scalding hot. His roommates look at him as if he were the
weirdest man on earth.

REX
Doug, we have something that we
need to tell you. It's hard for
us to say this, but...We don't
want you living with us anymore.

DOUGLAS
What are you guys talking about?
This has been the best three
months ever.

TYSON
For you it has. You have been
living practically free for the
past three months.

DOUGLAS
If it's about the money I can get
it to you by the end of the week.

TYSON
It's always the end of the week
with you.

DOUGLAS
(defensively)
It's always that time of month
with you. Come on, you guys know
I'm good for it.

REX
Douglas, we just met you three
months ago. We really don't know
anything about you. The only
thing I know is that we don't want
to live with you anymore.

DOUGLAS
So move out then.

REX
Sorry, Doug, but it doesn't work
that way. We'll give you until
the end of the week to get your
things out of there.

STEVEN
It shouldn't take him that long,
all he has is that outfit and a
towel.

Douglas gives Steven a dirty look.

STEVEN
What? It was only a joke. You
have three towels.

DOUGLAS
I'll be gone by tomorrow
afternoon. Screw you guys. I
hope you have a good life.

Douglas gets up from the booth and storms his way towards
the door.

REX
Douglas, wait!

            DOUGLAS
      (walking to the
       door)
Forget you!

Douglas tries pulling the door open, but struggles. He soon
realizes that he has to push the door to exit. The guys
look at him and shake their heads at his ignorance.

INT. DOUGLAS' OLD APARTMENT - NIGHT

Douglas forcefully opens the door to his apartment to gather
his belongings. To his surprise, all of his belongings are
already in a garbage bag sitting on the couch.

DOUGLAS
Well, ain't that about a bitch?

Douglas picks up the garbage bag, throws it over his
shoulder and heads over to a phone sitting on a tablestand
next to the couch. He picks up the phone and dials a
number. There is a brief pause when Douglas starts talking
on the phone.

DOUGLAS
Hey, Kiera, it's me. I was just
wondering if I could stay at your
place tonight?

There is another brief pause as Douglas adjusts his garbage
bag that has begun falling off his shoulder.

DOUGLAS
A tupperware party? Alright,
then. I guess I'll talk to you
later. I lov...

10.

Before he finishes the sentence the phone on the other end
hangs up on him.

DOUGLAS
Hello? Kiera? I love you, Kiera.
Is this some kind of game you're
playing on me. Hello?

Douglas pulls the phone away from his face and hangs it up.

DOUGLAS
It must have gotten disconnected
or something.

Douglas makes his way back toward the door and takes one
last look at the place he had been residing in for the past
three months. He opens the door and turns toward the exit.
He goes back inside, leaving the door open. He sets his
garbage bag on the ground and heads back toward the couch.
He unzips his pants...

DOUGLAS
Screw those guys. This will learn
'em.

Douglas begins urinating as his old roommates walk into the
apartment.

TYSON
Douglas, what are you doing?

Douglas pays no attention to his old roommates who have
entered the room and continues urinating on the couch.

DOUGLAS
Here's my rent for the month.

Douglas finishes up, zips his pants back up, grabs his
garbage bag full of stuff and walks out the door patting
each of them on the ass on his way out.

DOUGLAS
Good game, bitches.

The men don't know what to do and just stand in awe of what
had just occurred.

INT. TRAVIS MCMONOHAN'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Present-Day TRAVIS is sitting in his living room chair. He
is very similar to Douglas; overweight, balding, unkempt. He

11.

is wearing only a towel with his pot belly hanging over it.
His chair is in the middle of the living room about fifteen
feet away from his door. His living room is a mess. There
are pizza boxes everywhere and tissue remnants scattered all
over the floor as well. There is a knock on the door.

TRAVIS
Come on in!

The door opens as Douglas walks in with a garbage bag draped
over his shoulder. He is wearing the same clothes as the
night before, still as unkempt as ever. Travis remains
seated in his chair as Douglas takes a seat on the couch
that is near Travis' chair. Douglas throws his garbage bag
on the top of one of the pizza boxes. He notices some
tissue resting comfortably next to him. He removes it very
quickly with his index finger and thumb, making sure that he
doesn't touch the tissue too much.

DOUGLAS
Hey, brother, how's it going?

TRAVIS
What do you want Douglas?

DOUGLAS
What are you talking about? Can't
your little bro just come over
once in a while just to say hello?

TRAVIS
Every time you come over you want
something. Last time you came
over you needed to borrow $50. You
said your girlfriend needed
implants. How did that $50 boob
job turn out for her?

DOUGLAS
Did I say girlfriend? I meant I
needed it for my boob job.

TRAVIS
(sarcastically)
Yeah.

DOUGLAS
So anyway, can I crash here for
tonight?

TRAVIS
No.

12.

DOUGLAS
Come on. You're my last resort.
I'd go over to Kiera's, but she
says she's having one of those
tupperware parties.

TRAVIS
You mean a sex-toy party? Now's
not a good time anyway.

A man in a t-shirt and jeans comes out of the back. He is
carrying a movie camera.

CAMERA MAN
Travis, your scene is up.

DOUGLAS
Ah man, you're shooting here. Can
I watch?

TRAVIS
Seriously, dude. I had thought
that you were a gay. But watching
your brother in a porno? That
makes you an incestual gay. The
first time was weird enough.

DOUGLAS
Whatever man.

TRAVIS
Michael Madsen won't even watch
his sister, Virginia, when she is
naked in a movie. You want to
watch me having sex.

DOUGLAS
I don't want to see YOUR penis.

TRAVIS
Well, this isn't the porn that you
are accustomed to. The girl here
doesn't have a penis.

Travis gets up from his chair. Douglas raises up from the
couch as well. Travis' towel falls onto the ground as he
walks with Douglas toward his bedroom. We see his ass as
the towel falls down.

TRAVIS
Where's the fluffer at?

13.

DOUGLAS
I can be your fluffer.

Douglas and Travis walk into the other room, not before
hearing Douglas say:

DOUGLAS
What's a fluffer do?

EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP - NIGHT

Douglas is walking down the Las Vegas strip contemplating
what to do. He is muttering things to himself, looking like
a crazy man.

DOUGLAS
(to himself)
No, that's not good. That won't
work.

As he walks, the prostitute from the other night walks up to
Douglas. She is dressed as slutty as ever.

PROSTITUTE
You interested in some...Hey, I
know you. You're that asshole
from the other night.

DOUGLAS
That's right, and you're still
that same nasty tramp from the
other night. Do you have that
dollar I gave you still?

PROSTITUTE
Pimpin' Pete!!! This is that
asshole I was telling you about
the other night!

PIMPIN' PETE
I'll be right there, baby girl.

PIMPIN' PETE is 5'4" and 105 pounds. He is asian with a
mean streak. He is currently talking to some of his hoes
collecting his cut from their work for the week. He puts
the money he has collected from his whores in his pocket and
walks over to the prostitute and Douglas. He cracks his neck
and his knuckles. Douglas looks at him and rolls his eyes.

14.

PIMPIN' PETE
I hear you're the man who's been
disrespectin' one of my lady
friends. Is this correct?

DOUGLAS
I gave her a dollar and she didn't
even have to work for it. It
seems to me like I'm one of her
best customers.

PIMPIN' PETE
So now you're Mr. Funnyman? You
got some jokes for me Funnyman, or
am I going to have to show you
what I do to guys who treats my
women disrespectful-like?

DOUGLAS
Apparently, it's you that's the
"Funnyman." What do you weigh
about a buck-o-five?

Pimpin' Pete pulls out a switchblade knife. He presses the
blade against Douglas's face.

PIMPIN' PETE
You saying something about my
stature?

DOUGLAS
You gotta use a knife? Why not
fight like a real man?

PIMPIN' PETE
Alright. Let's make this
interesting. I kick your ass and
you pay my girl the twenty bucks
she would have earned. You win,
you stay alive.

Pete throws his knife on the ground. Douglas rolls his
sleeves up. He takes the stance of an old fist-a-cuffs
fighter. Pimpin' Pete starts laughing at him.

PIMPIN' PETE
This isn't 1924.

Pete looks just beyond Douglas direction.

PIMPIN' PETE
Damn, it's the po-po.

15.

Douglas turns around. He sees nothing. He begins turning
back around to see Pimpin' Pete.

DOUGLAS
The police aren't here.

After turning back around, Pete cold cocks Douglas in the
jaw. The prostitute then gives him a pot shot to the nuts.
Douglas quickly falls to the ground. Pete continues to kick
him when he is down. Douglas grabs his stomach in agony.

PIMPIN' PETE
This buck-o-five of fried rice
just whooped your cracka-ass.

Pete picks up his knife. He presses it back up to Douglas's
face.

PIMPIN' PETE
Where's your wallet?

Douglas reaches in his back pocket and takes out his wallet.
He hands the wallet over to Pimpin' Pete. Pete starts
sifting through Douglas' wallet. Pete sees that Douglas
doesn't have anything in it. He confiscates his wallet and
kicks him one last time for good measure.

PIMPIN' PETE
That's for being broke.

Pimpin' Pete and the prostitute start walking away. Pete
puts his arm around the whore as they walk. The homeless
man from earlier witnessed the whole thing. He walks up to
Douglas and kicks him in the stomach as well. His kick was
really weak, but still effective. A little retribution for
the man.

HOMELESS MAN
Now you stay down, sucka.

Douglas rolls back from the light kick. The homeless man
stand over Douglas. Douglas makes a move to get up. The
homeless man runs away as Douglas struggles back to his
feet.

INT. KIERA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

We are in Douglas' girlfriend, KIERA CLAPTON'S, living room.
We hear a knock on the door. No one is in the living room
to answer it. Once again, there is a knock on the door. The
door slowly opens as a battered and bruised Douglas walks

16.

in. He looks around the room, but no one is there. He
begins walking in pain through the living room, looking for
his girlfriend to take away his hurt.

DOUGLAS
Honey, you home? Cute, little,
baby-waby?

Douglas makes his way over to the hallway.

DOUGLAS
(to himself)
Looks like the tupperware party is
over.

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

Douglas is walking down the hallway and comes to the end
room. It is Kiera's bedroom. He hears noises of bad sex
emanating out from inside. He slowly opens the door to
reveal his girlfriend on top of another man.

INT. KIERA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

From Kiera's bedroom, we see Douglas standing in awe at what
is happening. He is completely shocked and appalled. Kiera
finally notices Douglas in the doorway. She stops what
she's doing.

KIERA
Oh, crap!

Kiera jumps off her partner and grabs some blankets to cover
herself up. Douglas remains standing in the doorway as
Kiera's sex-mate lifts up his head to see what made Kiera
stop. It's Douglas' father, RAY MCMONOHAN.

RAY
Oh, hi, Dougy.

DOUGLAS
Dad? What are you doing with my
girlfriend?

RAY
What does it look like we're
doing? Come on Doug, I thought I
taught you this lesson already.

17.

KIERA
Douglas, I'm so sorry. Oh, my
God, what happened to you? Are
you alright?

DOUGLAS
I just got my ass kicked and now I
see that you're sleeping with my
father. Do you think I'm alright?
But what about the tupperware
party?

RAY
You're looking at it, Dougy.

DOUGLAS
Oh, honestly.

KIERA
I know, it's just...he came over,
and I thought maybe...he was like
your brother in bed.

DOUGLAS
You had sex with Travis too?

KIERA
Only five times. He is a porn
star.

RAY
You should tell him about that
little thing his cousin Larry
does.

DOUGLAS
Cousin Larry with the lazy eye? I
gotta get out of here.

Douglas storms out from the bedroom doorway. Kiera, with
some of the blankets on, chases after him.

INT. KIERA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Douglas makes it to the door as Kiera finally catches up to
him.

KIERA
Douglas, wait.

18.

DOUGLAS
Wait for what? Is my Uncle Tom
coming over for a threesome later?

Douglas opens the door.

DOUGLAS
I hope you and my father have a
good time. Have a good life.

Douglas walks out of Kiera's apartment, slamming the door on
his way out.

INT. TRAVIS MCMONOHAN'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

There is a knock on Travis' door. Travis comes out from his
kitchen to answer the door. Once again, he is wearing only
a towel. Travis opens the door to a bloodied and bruised
Douglas.

TRAVIS
(concerned)
Jesus. Come in. Should I even ask
what happened?

Douglas pushes his brother out of the way and walks into
Travis' living room.

DOUGLAS
Besides the fact that I got beat
up and just caught our father
sleeping with my girlfriend; yeah,
I'd say I'm just dandy. Just let
me take a shower and I'll be out
of your way.

TRAVIS
You found out about dad?

DOUGLAS
I also found out about you and
Kiera.

TRAVIS
I've been meaning to tell you
about that, too. Dude, your
girlfriend's a slut, you should
probably break up with her.

Douglas lifts his head up to the ceiling looking for an out
to this madness.

19.

DOUGLAS
For cripe's sake, just let me use
your God-damn shower.

TRAVIS
If you're gonna be a jerk you can
go to your place and shower.

DOUGLAS
That's the thing. I don't have a
place. My roommates kicked me out.
I tried going over to Kiera's,
but apparently she wants to start
seeing other people. On top of
that, this gang mugged me for all
of my money, so I'm too broke to
find a place to crash for a while.

TRAVIS
First things first. We should file
a police report. How many of them
were there?

DOUGLAS
I don't know, like six. The cops
won't do anything.

TRAVIS
I've got a box of Krispy Kremes
that says otherwise. Ok, so you're
right. How did you get kicked out
of your apartment?

DOUGLAS
Enough with the questions. Please,
just let me take a shower and I'll
be gone.

TRAVIS
Where are you going to go?

DOUGLAS
This homeless guy on the Strip
said I could crash at his pad.

TRAVIS
Just go take a shower. I'll get
some ice and make up my guest room
for you.

DOUGLAS
Thanks bro-ham.

20.

TRAVIS
Don't get the impression that I
love you or anything. You are
still a jerk that no one likes.
Your whole family included. Mainly
me.

DOUGLAS
That's a low blow, bro.

TRAVIS
The truth hurts. Now go clean
yourself up lil' bro.

Douglas heads over, dragging himself to the bathroom to
shower up.

INT. DINING ROOM - DAY

A somewhat cleaned-up, yet still battered with a huge lump
on the side of his head, Douglas and a fully clothed Travis
are sitting around the table eating a hearty breakfast of
eggs, bacon, cereal, coffee, orange juice and water. They
are each reading part of a newspaper. Douglas starts
guzzling his water.

TRAVIS
Slow down. You are drinking your
water like it's water.

Douglas shoots Travis a dirty glance.

DOUGLAS
And you contract STD's like they
are cold sores.

TRAVIS
All part of the job. Speaking of
jobs, when do you plan on getting
one?

Douglas takes an enormous bite of his eggs before he speaks.

DOUGLAS
I have a job.

TRAVIS
Losing money gambling is the exact
opposite of a job. You see, a job
is something where you gain more
money by doing it.

21.

Douglas sets his fork down as he begins his retaliation on
Travis.

DOUGLAS
Get off my back. I am falling on
hard times in case you haven't
noticed.

TRAVIS
With Mount Rushmore growing on the
side of your head it's kind of
hard not to. Look, I am willing to
let you stay here for awhile, but
you are going to have to get a
real job.

DOUGLAS
Can't I get a job as your fluffer?
I'd be really good. The best even.

TRAVIS
Sure, you can be my fluffer.

DOUGLAS
(enthusiastically)
Do you mean it?

TRAVIS
(sardonically)
Of course I mean it, BJ.

DOUGLAS
What's this BJ stuff?

TRAVIS
Oh nothing. Just an old TV show
that is past your days.

DOUGLAS
Qu�?

TRAVIS
All I will say is that if you are
my fluffer, I will call you Bear.
You see, a fluffer's job is to get
the guy ready for his scene.

DOUGLAS
I can do that. You mean like get
you water or prepare your towel?

22.

TRAVIS
I mean like get a guy READY for
his scene. I don't need my brother
serving as my personal Levitra
pill.

DOUGLAS
(still confused)
Oh. Well, can't I be your Gaffer
or something like that?

TRAVIS
As much as we need another key-
grip on our shoots, I think you
are better suited for a regular
job.

DOUGLAS
Aren't you at least looking for
another male actor?

TRAVIS
The competition is pretty tough. I
don't think you'll be able to
measure up. I'm sure you'll be
able to find something else more
adequate for you.

DOUGLAS
Where do you propose that is?

INT. SANDWICH SHOP - DAY

Douglas is working by himself making sandwiches. There are a
few straggler customers already eating. There is a middle-
aged guy, SANDWICH SHOP CUSTOMER, ordering his sandwich.
Douglas is preparing a really cheap sandwich and taking his
sweet time. He is not wearing gloves. The customer grows
impatient. Douglas sloppily throws the lettuce on the meat.
The customer puts his hands on the counter and raises up
above the shielding.

SANDWICH SHOP CUSTOMER
What part of no lettuce didn't you
understand?

DOUGLAS
As soon as you said the N in "No"
is about where I tuned you out.

SANDWICH SHOP CUSTOMER
Start making me another sandwich.

23.

DOUGLAS
Easy bud. I'll just take the green
stuff off.

SANDWICH SHOP CUSTOMER
I am allergic to the GREEN STUFF.

DOUGLAS
Well, aren't we just a Carnivore
amongst Carnivores? Shall I take
off the bread too?

Douglas starts taking off the lettuce from the original
sandwich.

SANDWICH SHOP CUSTOMER
I said that I wanted a brand new
sandwich.

DOUGLAS
This is a brand new sandwich. The
old sandwich had lettuce, this new
sandwich doesn't.

SANDWICH SHOP CUSTOMER
Get your manager!

DOUGLAS
Now you're giving me orders? You
get him yourself. I quit!

Douglas takes off his apron and throws it at the customer,
hitting him in the face. He walks out from behind the
sandwich station.

SANDWICH SHOP CUSTOMER
Where the hell are you going?
Where's my sandwich?

DOUGLAS
Make it your DAMN self!

The customer does as he is instructed and walks behind the
counter and starts making a sandwich. Of course it is not a
cheap sandwich. He reaches in for the steak and chicken. He
then takes the lettuce tray and throws it hard to the
ground.

SANDWICH SHOP CUSTOMER
Stupid Herbivores.

24.

EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP - DAY

Douglas, still in his sandwich shop attire, sans apron, is
mulling his way down the Las Vegas strip. As he walks, he
is bumping into people left and right. These people turn
and look at him with a vicious dirty look saying things
like, "Watch where you're going, asshole." and "Asshole,
watch where you're going." Douglas ignores everyone; he is
in a state of unconciousness mentally. He comes to a giant
water fountain just on the strip. He looks at it's beauty
as the fountain puts on a wonderful display as streams of
water burst into the air magically. Douglas becomes
embraced in the magic of the moment. Douglas takes a short
intermission of the event as he looks around at the other
spectators that are also in awe of the wonders. He notices
a middle-aged, balding man leaving the event. The man is
wearing a Hawaiian shirt that is louder than a sonic boom.
The shirt is just plain terrible. A coin falls out of the
man's pocket of his khaki pants. Douglas tries to race over
to the man to tell him about his misfortune, but his eye
catches the coin instead and stops him dead in his tracks.
Douglas picks up the coin and looks at it. The coin is just
as beautiful as the fountain display. It is the shiniest
coin that Douglas has ever seen. There are markings on it
that don't resemble any of the other casinos. On it, the
coin reads the name of the casino that it comes from,
"Labrynth." Douglas looks around to see if anyone else has
noticed Douglas' find. The water show has ended and
everyone is leaving the once awe-stricken spectacle. Douglas
looks at the coin one more time. He then looks into the
water fountain. He places the coin on his thumb as if he is
going to flick the coin into the fountain and make a wish.
He thinks really hard of the wish he wants to make.

DOUGLAS
I wish I ran this city.

Douglas flips the coin deep into the pond. Then he looks
around and notices there is no one near him, but there are
some people still on the strip walking by.

DOUGLAS
(to himself)
What am I thinking?

Douglas dives into the fountain belly first and starts
searching for his lost treasure. Along the way he takes
other coins as well and puts them in his water-drenched
pockets as he looks for his lucky new find. When he finally
finds it, security guards walk up to the fountain.

25.

DOUGLAS
I found it! You can all go home
now. I command you to go home.

The guards furl their eyebrows at Douglas as they start to
reach for their guns that are placed in their holsters
around their hips. Douglas gets up and trudges his way out
of the water with his coin in hand.

DOUGLAS
Thanks for your help officers.

Douglas pats one of the officers on his back as he walks off
drenched in water. The guards let him pass based solely on
his stupidity alone.

INT. TRAVIS MCMONOHAN'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Douglas comes into the living room. He is still drenched
from his wet voyage in the fountain. Travis stands up from
the couch. He is wearing his trademark towel.

TRAVIS
What happened now?

DOUGLAS
I found this coin. I threw it in
the fountain. I then changed my
mind and decided to fetch it out.

Douglas takes his treasure out of his pocket and presents it
to Travis. Travis takes it out of his hand and peruses it.

TRAVIS
Well, look at that. You found it.

DOUGLAS
Found what? It's just a lousy
coin. I thought it could bring me
good luck or something. I sure do
need it.

TRAVIS
That LOUSY coin is actually worth
more good luck than you think. The
Labrynth is giving away $10,000
and a free two-week stay at their
hotel for that coin.

DOUGLAS
Whatever. You are lying. Like the
time I was eight and you told me
(MORE)

26.

DOUGLAS (cont'd)
if I put a quarter in that machine
that was unplugged I would turn
big.

TRAVIS
That wasn't a lie. Look how big
you are now. There was no time
frame on my comment.

DOUGLAS
I could have bought a pack of
Garbage Pail Kids with that
quarter though. Garbage Pail Kids
are worth a fortune these days.

TRAVIS
Quit crying about that. Besides,
Garbage Pail Kids aren't worth a
fortune, unless you consider a
pack for $2.50 on eBay a fortune.
So tell me, how did you find the
coin?

DOUGLAS
Well, I was at that job thing you
were talking about. I got fed up,
so I quit. As I was walking out I
saw this man with this gnarly
shirt on. The coin dropped out of
his pocket and I picked it up and
tried to give it back to him. Then
I thought with my elementary
school mind, "Finders keepers,
losers weepers."

TRAVIS
You are a lucky man. That guy was
probably working for the casino
anyway. They didn't really give
out too many details about that
contest. Anyways, let's get you
dried off and take you to the
Labrynth to claim your prize.

            DOUGLAS
      (still in
       disbelief)
Hmmm, I don't trust you, but I
will take my chances. What do I
have to lose?

Travis takes off his towel and hands it to Douglas. His bare
ass is showing once again.

27.

TRAVIS
Here, you're going to need this.

INT. THE LABRYNTH'S CONCIERGE STATION. - NIGHT

Travis and Douglas step up to the concierge desk. The
CONCIERGE is a beautiful woman in her early 20's. She is
also a female who has appeared on film with Travis, but
Douglas does not know this. Travis gives her an assuring
wink. Douglas slams the coin down on the desk.

DOUGLAS
So I hear that this coin will take
away all of the bad stuff that has
been happening to me lately?

Douglas slams the coin on the concierge desk. The concierge
picks up the coin to examine it. She graces us with a big
smile. She places it back on the desk.

CONCIERGE
Sir, you are one lucky man. This
coin sure will help you forget
anything wrong that has happened
to you.

DOUGLAS
Just give me my free steak buffet
and I will be on my way.

CONCIERGE
If it is a steak buffet you want
then I can give you much better.
How does having a filet mignon
delivered to your penthouse suite
sound?

DOUGLAS
Make it three "Whatever You Just
Saids," even though I don't really
like fish, and I'll be happy, but
if you want to have some guy bring
me a freaking steak to my
brother's house then do it. Just
make sure the driver knows that my
brother will be answering the door
in a towel.

TRAVIS
Stop being a jerk and hear the
lady out.

28.

CONCIERGE
Sir, as I was saying, the coin you
have permits you to stay for two
weeks in a luxurious penthouse
suite right here in the luxurious
Labrynth.

DOUGLAS
I suppose you are going to say
that you are going to give me
10,000 dollars as well. Whatever.
This is a hoax. Let's get out of
here. I don't know why I came in
the first place. I knew you were
pulling my leg.

TRAVIS
Dude, she is telling you the
truth. Just because you are a
jerk, not everything that happens
to you has to be bad.

Douglas picks up the coin again. It radiates a golden shine
that he has not seen before like it is saying, "Come on
Douglas, give it a shot. What do you have to lose?" He
places the coin down gently. He leans on the counter with
his elbow and looks into the concierge's eyes.

DOUGLAS
And I get 10,000 dollars as well?
So what's the catch?

CONCIERGE
I was afraid you would ask that.
You actually get 10,000 in play
chips that can be used at any
table of your choice.

DOUGLAS
That's even better. I'm a
professional gambler. I'm going
to turn that 10,000 into
10,000,000.

CONCIERGE
You very-well could, sir.

Travis turns to Douglas and grabs him by the shoulders.
Douglas' eyes are glistening at the prospect of winning
millions of dollars.

29.

TRAVIS
You see. I told you this was for
real.

DOUGLAS
I still haven't forgotten about
that quarter you owe me. This
doesn't change that.

Travis reaches into his pocket and pulls out a quarter and
flips it up in the air.

DOUGLAS
Heads.

Douglas catches it; heads it is. Travis and the concierge
look at each other in befuddlement.

DOUGLAS
Looks like my luck is starting to
change.

TRAVIS
It appears so; now sign all the
formalities would ya.

Douglas looks back to the concierge. She is still smiling
from ear to ear.

DOUGLAS
Ok, so what kind of damn papers do
I have to sign?

The concierge pulls out a contract and hands it to Douglas.
Douglas starts reading it like he is a lawyer. He then
realizes that he has no idea what he is reading. It does not
stop him from pretending to understand the legalese.

            DOUGLAS
      (fingering the
       page)
Hmmm. Uh hum. Ok.

TRAVIS
(rolling his eyes)
Just sign the contract.

Douglas looks hard to find the signature spot. Even with his
legal "expertise" he is unable to locate it. He hands the
contract to the concierge. She immediately shows him where
to put his John Hancock and passes the paperwork back.

30.

            DOUGLAS
      (pausing and
       taking a deep
       breath.)
Well, here goes.

TRAVIS
For real, man. You are not signing
up for the military.

Douglas nervously signs his name on the dotted line.

TRAVIS
There, now you can get your stuff
out of my place for a couple of
weeks.

DOUGLAS
Now you're sounding like mom's
sperm donor.

TRAVIS
You needed to get out of my place
anyway. I have a shoot next week.

DOUGLAS
Do you still need a...

TRAVIS
I have my own fluffer thank you
very much.

The guys start walking away. Douglas turns around to say one
last thing to the concierge.

DOUGLAS
(sternly)
I'll be checking in later tonight.
You got that, Miss?

CONCIERGE
We will see you at your earliest
convienence. Have a good evening.

Douglas and Travis step away from the concierge desk. The
concierge shakes her head and mutters to herself.

CONCIERGE
What an asshole?

As they are about to walk out the door Travis turns to his
brother.

31.

TRAVIS
Did you just refer to dad as mom's
sperm donor?

DOUGLAS
That is all he was good for.

Travis shakes his head in the same fashion as the Concierge.

TRAVIS
(to himself)
What an asshole?

INT. THE LABRYNTH'S PENTHOUSE SUITE - NIGHT

Douglas, entering alone wearing a t-shirt that reads "Born
to Porn" and jeans, takes his first steps into his two-week
abode as the large door closes behind him. The suite is
amazing. Totally immaculate. An enormus big-screen plasma TV
is centered by the back wall of the living room. A long
couch curls around the center of the living room with a
glass table comfortably surrounded by the couch. A
wonderfully crafted bar sets to the right of the television
at the back right corner of the living room. The entrance
to the master bedroom is past the living room on the left
side of the television. Douglas runs over to his big screen
TV, jumping over the large couch. He trips on the couch
breaking the table on his fall. He gets up, brushes himself
off, looks at the cracked table, shrugs his shoulders, and
walks over to the television. He gives it a big hug.

DOUGLAS
Sweet heaven.

Douglas drops his loving embrace with the big screen and
walks over to the bar. He examines it and finds a bevy of
liquor to his liking. He pulls out a bottle of Cutty Sark.
He takes off the top and pulls a manly chug straight from
the bottle.

            DOUGLAS
      (wiping his lips
       with his forearm)
Sweet heaven, oh, sweet heaven.

He hugs the bar. After a quick loving exchange he picks out
a bottle of Louis XIII. He gives the bottle a kiss.

DOUGLAS
I'll be loving you later.

32.

He eyes the bottle even closer.

DOUGLAS
Ah, who am I kidding?

He opens the bottle.

DOUGLAS
I'll love you right now.

Douglas takes a big chug of the cognac, not knowing that he
is supposed to sip it. He spits it out.

DOUGLAS
What the hell is this garbage?

Douglas throws the open bottle at the couch with no
hesitancy at all. Liquor flows everywhere. Douglas looks
on as cognac pours all over the couch.

DOUGLAS
Housekeeping!

Just after Douglas yells this, there is a knock on the door.

DOUGLAS
Damn, this place is amazing.

Douglas walks over to the door.

DOUGLAS
Who is it?

TRAVIS
It's your brother. Open the door,
would ya?

Douglas opens the door to a dressed up Travis.

DOUGLAS
Hey, hey, big bro got himself all
cleaned up.

TRAVIS
Shut up. Let's go gambling.

DOUGLAS
Aren't you gonna check out my new
pad?

Travis looks around the suite, noticing the booze on the
couch and floor and the broken table.

33.

TRAVIS
Good job, Keith Moon. You've been
here five minutes and you've
already managed to trash the
place.

DOUGLAS
I prefer to call it Douglasizing
it.

TRAVIS
(sniffing)
Do I smell urine?

DOUGLAS
Nope. But it's early.

TRAVIS
Let's get out of here so you can
lose all of your money.

DOUGLAS
I'm telling you, bro-ham, I'm
making millions today. My luck is
starting to turn around.

TRAVIS
Let's hope so, for your sake.

Travis leads the way out of the hotel room as Douglas
follows.

INT. BLACKJACK TABLE - NIGHT

Douglas sits down at the end of the table in the third base
position. CHIN CHANG, an older small asian lady is sitting
at the first base position followed by a BALD-FAT WHITE GUY
and a SKINNY-YOUNG WHITE GUY who are all seated at the table
alongside Douglas. The BLACKJACK DEALER, who is a younger,
attractive black woman, awaits Douglas' bet placement. The
table they are playing on has a $5,000 maximum bet and a
$500 minimum bet. Travis is standing behind his brother.
Travis continually brushes the front of his pants where his
manhood is. Douglas becomes annoyed at his brother's
actions. Before Douglas places his bet he turns to Chin
Chang.

DOUGLAS
You're not like the rest of your
kind are you?

Chin gives Douglas a menacing stare.

34.

CHIN CHANG
What you talking about? You
trying to make us all lose?

DOUGLAS
You split tens don't you?

BLACKJACK DEALER
Please place your bet sir.

Douglas places the table minimum $500 in chips down on his
circle. Everyone else has the table maximum, $5,000, on the
table. The dealer gives everyone their cards. Chin Chang
gets a nineteen. The bald-fat white guy gets a twenty as
does the skinny young white guy. Douglas is given a king of
clubs and a king of hearts. The dealer has a five showing.
The dealer has made her way around to Douglas after everyone
else waives her off. Douglas places another $500 in chips
down and makes a motion to split the cards. The other
players' eyes light up in astonishment.

DOUGLAS
Split 'em, toots.

Everyone at the table gives Douglas a dirty glance. The
dealer splits the tens. He gets an ace to match each ten.

TRAVIS
Someone is already on fire.

The dealer then flips her turn card revealing a ten. The
next card she pulls is another five. The dealer has gotten
a twenty. The bald-fat white guy and the skinny-young white
guy push with the dealer as Chin Chang loses. Douglas is
the only winner at the table.

BALD-FAT WHITE GUY
Thanks a lot, buddy.

SKINNY-YOUNG WHITE MAN
Yeah, thanks a lot.

DOUGLAS
You guys are welcome.

            CHIN CHANG
      (gets out of her
       seat)
Screw this! This guy is...asshole.
Splitting tens? What is he,
Asian? I need to meet my cousin
Pete anyway.

35.

DOUGLAS
You have an Asian relative named
Pete?

CHIN CHANG
Yeah, what's it to you?

DOUGLAS
I know Pete. We go way back. Tell
him he still owes me $20.

CHIN CHANG
I do that.

DOUGLAS
Yeah, you DO that.

Chin leaves as does everyone else. Douglas places a thousand
dollar bet on the table. Travis sits down in a vacated seat.

TRAVIS
Whoa, feeling a bit ballsy?

DOUGLAS
Is that the name of your next gay
porn?

Douglas looks up at the dealer who is eavesdropping and not
doing her job.

DOUGLAS
Yeah, my brother is a porn star.
He probably started out doing gay
porn because that's what they do.
Now deal the damn cards.

BLACKJACK DEALER
Sorry, Mr. McMonohan.

DOUGLAS
Whoa, Trav, she knows your name. I
guess she is familiar with your
work.

TRAVIS
She was talking to you, asswipe.

DOUGLAS
My reputation precedes me....

36.

TRAVIS
You're a VVIP, Mr. Bond....
everybody knows who you are. So
try not to do anything stupid.

The dealer deals and gives Douglas a blackjack, rolling her
eyes in the process. Douglas emphatically slams his fists
on the table.

DOUGLAS
Yeah, that's right! Niggajack,
bitch!

TRAVIS
Dude, you can't say that.

DOUGLAS
I can, and did. Where's the
failed-actress waitress at? This
playa needs a drink.

Douglas looks around. As he is doing so the blackjack dealer
looks at Travis and mouths, "What an asshole?" Travis nods
his head in congruence.

BLACKJACK DEALER
Sir, the waitress will be here in
a second. Please, place your bet.

DOUGLAS
How about you save us some time
and just give me all the chips
now?

TRAVIS
Quit being a dick and just place
your bet.

Douglas puts $5000 in the circle. He get's dealt another
blackjack. He then stands up and starts addressing everyone
within an ear shot.

DOUGLAS
Go ahead and paint my face black
and call me jack!

TRAVIS
Can you do anything without making
a total spectacle of yourself?
Besides, there are no black guys
named Jack.

37.

DOUGLAS
Sure there are. There's that one
guy...Jack Be Nimble.

BLACKJACK DEALER
Jack Be Nimble was Mexican.
Everyone knows that. The
candlestick was just a metaphor
for a border crossing attempt.

DOUGLAS
Wasn't there a guy named Jack in
"I'm Gonna Git You Sucka"?

TRAVIS
That was a movie.

DOUGLAS
Yeah....but maybe it was a biopic.

TRAVIS
Yeah...I don't think so.

DOUGLAS
Well, then I don't know blackjack
dealer.

BLACKJACK DEALER
No, sir, there are no African
Americans named Jack. It's just a
fact. You took a crack, but it
turned out wack.

DOUGLAS
So that's what happened. Your
poetry career didn't pan out so
now you deal blackjack. You bore
me. Color me up, blackie the
blackjack dealer. I want to go
play some poker.

The dealer colors up Douglas' chips. Douglas leaves her a
dollar tip. Travis and him walk away. The dealer notices the
meager tip.

BLACKJACK DEALER
(under her breath)
Are you kidding me? A dollar?
What a racist, fucking asshole?
And I know he didn't say
niggajack.

38.

INT. CASINO FLOOR - NIGHT

Douglas and Travis have exited the blackjack table and are
making their way to a poker table. Douglas sees a female
SERVER walking in front of him and pinches her ass. When
she turns around to see who it was, Douglas flips a quarter
at her and winks.

DOUGLAS
Nice ass, toots.

SERVER
Screw you, you fucking jerk. And
who says "toots" anymore?

DOUGLAS
The guy who'll give you the only
tip you'll get all night, you ugly
whore.

SERVER
Fuck you.

Douglas flips another quarter at her and looks away as he
spots a poker table he wants. Travis looks at the server
and shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head. He mouths to
the server, "I'm sorry" and follows Douglas to the table.

INT. POKER TABLE - NIGHT

The boys stand around on the outskirts of the table,
checking out the action.

DOUGLAS
Can you believe the service around
here? I mean, I'm a VVIP, or
whatever you said, and that one
girl didn't even thank me for
pinching her ass.

TRAVIS
Yeah, I know, right? Well, anyway,
are you any good at Hold 'Em?

DOUGLAS
Oh yeah, this is that No Limit
Texas Pai Gow Hold 'Em thingy. I
thought it looked familiar.

39.

TRAVIS
Yeah, something like that. You
gonna play or what? Do you know
what you're doing?

DOUGLAS
Oh yeah, I've played a few times
on the computer.

TRAVIS
Oh, so you're practically an
expert.

DOUGLAS
Pretty much, yes.

TRAVIS
Whose computer were you using?

DOUGLAS
The one at the sandwich place.

TRAVIS
The sandwich place? I've heard of
an Internet cafe, but never an
Internet deli.

DOUGLAS
It was the company computer. You
know that one sandwich place I
worked at?

TRAVIS
Yeah, it seems like yesterday,
because that's when it was. You've
been playing poker since
yesterday!?

DOUGLAS
Only this kind of poker. I've been
playing strip poker since I was
like twelve.

TRAVIS
Don't you mean strip solitaire? It
doesn't count when you're by
yourself.

DOUGLAS
Says you...

TRAVIS
Do you know what "No Limit" means?

40.

DOUGLAS
Ummmm....does it have anything to
do with Master P?

TRAVIS
This ought to be fun.

DOUGLAS
Dude, I keep telling you, I'm a
professional. Don't worry.

A few seconds pass and they notice there is nothing going
on. Just a few high rollers sitting around the table
looking serious.

DOUGLAS
Jeez, what a snoozefest. I didn't
know they allowed poker at
funerals. Pick it up!

A large black man in a suit with a wire attached to his ear
approaches Douglas with a stern look on his face.

CASINO SECURITY
Excuse me, Mr. McMonahan.

DOUGLAS
What's up, my nigga! You're just
in time for the funeral. Looks
like you dressed appropriately.

Douglas starts to fix the man's collar. He is doing
everything in his power to not go off on Douglas.

CASINO SECURITY
(faking sincerity)
Well...actually, YOU are just in
time, sir! Just in time for the
1,000 dollar buy-in tournament.
Have a seat.

DOUGLAS
Don't mind if I do, blood!

Douglas gives the man an awkward "fist" handshake. The
gentleman starts to walk away shaking his head as Douglas
proceeds to pat him on the butt. The black man tenses up,
restraining himself before walking away again.

DOUGLAS
Good lookin' out, kid!

41.

CASINO SECURITY
(under his breath)
Mu'fucka.

FADE OUT.

Feedback

From John Thompson	Date 9/26/2008
That's funny I dig it man.

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