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Skits for All Seasons
by Fred Fox (tfox@depauw.edu)

Rated: R   Genre: Miscellaneous   User Review:
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RATED

A hodgepodge of plays written for my local playwright's festival, submitted for your approval. More will be added as time goes on.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

INT. BLANK STAGE - DAY
                                                            
The following plays and sketches are the result of numerous
hours spent pondering the trivial matters of life - whether
out of habit, or out of necessity. These plays are fondly
dedicated to those who have had to do the same.
                                                            
PART I
                                                            
FRAT BOYS GO TO HELL
                                                            
BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
                                                            
ADDITIONAL DIALOGUE BY TIMOTHY L. FOX, CHARLIE YANG, ETC.
                                                            
Lights go up on an empty stage. Nothing happens for an
extended period of time, until the MASTER OF CEREMONIES
enters.
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Oh God, I'm not late, am I? I'm
terribly sorry! I hope I didn't
keep you waiting long. It's been
an incredibly busy week for me.
You couldn't even begin to imagine
what I've been through . . . but
anyways, enough of that, huh?
You're here to see a play, of
course. I mean, you paid the
money, and now you're ready to be
entertained, right? Right. Well,
I've got a show for you folks
tonight. It's entitled "Frat Boys
Go to Hell." Yeah, I know. Crazy
title. It's an inside joke. Don't
ask. BUT - The play itself is
based on a true story. No kidding!
Well, it's true in that it could
happen. Then again, I suppose
that's true of any play, to a
certain extent, isn't it? But I
digress. Let's get to it. The
story begins at the administration
offices of my alma mater, Unknown
University.
      (glances around
       the stage)
Hmmm. Well, as you can see, this
set looks very threadbare, so use
your imagination. Imagine, if you
            (MORE)

2.

                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES (cont'd)
will, the offices of a prestigious
college. A desk cluttered with
papers, a desk lamp, a mug of
coffee, a personal computer, most
likely a Dell - sorry, Apple fans
- and sitting at this desk is the
dean of this prominent college,
Vincent Masterson.
                                                            
The actors have rearranged the set to somewhat resemble an
office. Masterson presses the button on his intercom.
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Mary Ann, could you send Mr.
Topper in?
                                                            
Enter TOPPER.
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Tommy! Thank you for coming. I
know you have a busy schedule.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
I'm never too busy to say good-bye
to an old friend.
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Please, you make it sound like I'm
leaving forever. It's just a
conference, is all! Sit down,
won't you?
                                                            
Topper sits.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
I hope everything's in order for
your trip.
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Yes, yes . . . well, no.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
No?
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Actually, that's why I called you.
You see, I got some rather urgent
news -- and I must say that it
isn't good.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Oh?
                                                            

3.

                       MASTERSON
Vice President Nelson had a heart
attack this morning.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Good God! How is he?
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
He's in the hospital. Nothing
critical. Just a little bed rest.
But the fact of the matter is, I
need someone to take my place
while I'm gone.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
I'm sure that there's someone on
the board up to the task.
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Quite frankly, Tom, I don't want
just anyone from the board to take
my place while I'm gone. I want
somebody I can trust to do the
right thing.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
So, who do you have in mind?
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Why, you, of course.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Wha . . . me?
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Who else?
                                                            
                       TOPPER
But I don't have the slightest
idea of how to be dean of a
university!
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
There's nothing to worry about.
Seriously, these institutions of
higher learning can basically run
themselves.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Vince, this is highly unorthodox.
I mean, I'm just a philosophy
professor!
                                                            

4.

                       MASTERSON
You're a fine, upstanding
gentleman is what you are. You've
had experience with the students.
You're the one man I'm most
certain who has the best interests
of this shcool at heart. So, old
friend, are you up to it?
                                                            
                       TOPPER
      (reluctant)
Well, I'm your huckleberry.
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Good! I knew I could count on you.
We'll have your stuff moved in by
tomorrow.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
What about my classes?
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Nothing to fear. Professor Duggan
will be taking on your work load.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Everything?
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
You're all set.
      (presses intercom)
Mary Ann, could you come in for a
second?
                                                            
Mary Ann enters.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Mary Ann, you'll be helping
Professor Topper move into the
office and to get acquainted.
Won't you, Mary Ann?
                                                            
                       MARY ANN
      (reserved)
. . .Yes. Yes, of course.
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Well, I've got a few errands to
run before I head off. Any last
questions, Tommy?
                                                            

5.

                       TOPPER
I don't think so. If I have any
problems, I can get ahold of you
by phone, right?
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Trust me - you'll be perfectly up
to the job and won't need my help.
I trust your judgment. Well, get
your things together. Be here
tomorrow at nine o'clock.
                                                            
They embrace, old friends.
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Good bye - for now, Tom.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
See you.
                                                            
Topper heads off. Masterson turns to Mary Ann, who looks
very solemn. He approaches her.
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
If Professor Topper . . . if Tommy
has any trouble, you will help
him, Miss Wilson?
                                                            
She does not reply.
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
That's not a request, that's an
order.
                                                            
                       MARY ANN
      (explosive)
An order! You talk as if this were
the army or something!
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Please, let's not make a scene
here.
                                                            
                       MARY ANN
Why are you doing this to me? Is
this just some sadistic game to
you? You know what happened
between me and . . . Tom.
                                                            

6.

                       MASTERSON
Yes, of course I know. But you're
just going to have to bear through
it. I'm not saying you have to
like it.
                                                            
                       MARY ANN
Like it? He left me at the altar,
Dean! Left me for that bra-burner
in the Philosophy Department! He
probably doesn't even remember me
now.
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Mary, if there were any other
person who could help him get
settled in as well as you could,
I'd have them sit in. But there's
not. You're the best I've got.
                                                            
He takes her chin in his hand.
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Chin up, okay? Things will be all
right. I promise.
                                                            
She smiles. He returns the favor, and picks up his carry-on
bags, ready to go.
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Well, I must be off. Take care!
                                                            
He exits.
                                                            
LIGHT CHANGE - LATER IN THE EVENING
                                                            
Topper is working at the desk, looking over manuscripts. An
officer is with him, sitting in a chair.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
My word, but this is interesting.
Hmm . . . Lorry, did you know that
the charter for this school called
for it to be dry "in perpetuity"?
                                                            
                       LORRY
In perpetuity?
                                                            

7.

                       TOPPER
Yes, it means forever. And here's
the thing - the law was never
revoked! It's simply not enforced
any more. Do you know what this
means?
                                                            
                       LORRY
What?
                                                            
                       TOPPER
We have a golden opportunity in
our hands, Lorry. A chance to
reform this university for the
better. I am not going to pass
this up.
                                                            
                       LORRY
You won't get away with it, not
with the students . . .
                                                            
                       TOPPER
"Get away with it?" Lorry, do you
realize what I am saying? Look at
these facts -- these reports!
      (hands him papers)
Drinking is a major problem on
this campus. It's the bane of this
campus. Alcohol-related crimes
have increased 86% over the last
ten years. 86%, and I'll tell you
why - we have become lax in our
law enforcement. We must break
down on it now, before it becomes
too out of hand!
                                                            
                       LORRY
But the board . . .
                                                            
                       TOPPER
The board will back me up on this,
I'm sure. It's settled - as of
next Monday, September 27th, all
sales and consumption of alcohol
shall be prohibited on campus
grounds of Unknown University.
                                                            
                       LORRY
Very well, sir.
                                                            
Lorry leaves. Topper smiles.
                                                            

8.

                       TOPPER
It'll be a great experiment. THE
great experiment.
                                                            
Lights dim. The Master of Ceremonies returns to the stage,
carrying a brochure of Unknown University. The actors change
the set behind him.
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Oh, silly me. Perhaps I should
give you a little more background
info on the setting before we
continue with the story. *Ahem*
      (reading off the
       brochure)
"Unknown University - Some
Back-water School you've never
heard of." That's the school's
motto. Don't ask me why. Unknown
University was founded in 1836 as
by Methodist missionaries -
remember, this was BEFORE they
drank - as a center of higher
learning. It has a faculty of 200
eccentrics and an enrollment of
2,000 misfits. Famous alumni of
U.U. include Nobel Prize Winner
Andrew Cornelius Vanderbilt; Edgar
T. Wallace, the first man on Mars;
acclaimed biologist Lionel Atwill,
who mysteriously disappeared. . .
                                                            
KYLE KLAUDE, a stringy student with coke-bottle glasses and
a five o'clock shadow.
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Ah, wait! Here we go! This is Kyle
Klaude. He's important to our
story.
      (to Klaude)
Hey, Kyle!
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Oh hey, Bob!
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
You headed back to the house?
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Yeah. Just finished a p-chem exam.
                                                            
JULIA WEST, a exotic-looking coed, enters carrying her
books. Klaude acknowledges her presence.
                                                            

9.

                       KLAUDE
Hi, baby.
                                                            
They exchange the obligatory kiss.
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Hey, Julie!
      (aside)
that's Julia West. She's Kyle's
girlfriend.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Class went well?
                                                            
                       JULIA
Okay, I guess . . .
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
You guess?
                                                            
                       JULIA
You've forgotten, haven't you?
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
For-forgot what?
                                                            
                       JULIA
Our anniversary?
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
It hasn't been a year.
                                                            
                       JULIA
You ass! What about our two month
anniversary?
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
      (uncomfortable)
Yeah, so . . . I'd better go, you
guys. See ya.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Yeah, thanks, Bob.
                                                            
                       JULIA
So? What happened.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
I just got busy, okay? I have a
lot of work to do.
                                                            

10.

                       JULIA
Work? Heh! Sometimes I feel like I
need to work to keep us together.
I thought we were going to do
something special.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
I can't, though. I have to study
tonight.
                                                            
                       JULIA
Study?
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Yeah, this is like crunch time for
me. Why? What did you have in
mind?
                                                            
                       JULIA
      (innocently)
I was thinking, maybe . . . dinner
and a movie?
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Ehhhh . . . I don't know. Funds
are kinda tight. Why don't you
just come on over to the house and
eat with me? I don't think Izzy'll
mind.
                                                            
                       JULIA
Eat at your house again?
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
What? You don't like the food?
                                                            
                       JULIA
No, Kyle, it's just . . . you
always do this to me. You never
want to go out because you think
it's "a waste of money," so we
always end up eating with your
fraternity brothers.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
      (genuinely
       confused)
. . . That's bad?
                                                            
                       JULIA
It's just . . . I only wish we
could do something alone,
together.
                                                            

11.

                       KLAUDE
Alone, together. . . okay. Tell
you what. We can go bowling
tonight. Good? I think I have
enough money for that.
                                                            
                       JULIA
      (facetiously)
You certainly know the way to a
girl's house, don't you?
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Come on. We don't want to be late.
                                                            
He takes her by the shoulder and leads her off. The MC
re-enters with the same brochure.
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
I suppose I should mention that
Kyle is the president of my house.
Speaking of which, let's get on to
the fraternities, since they play
a big part in this story. U.U. has
a significant Greek population on
campus. At least 75% of the
student population is Greek, with
12 fraternities and 8 sororities
to choose from. The fraternities
include such houses as Lambda Chi,
Farmhouse, Acacia, Theta Kappa
Epsilon . . . and my own beloved
house, Beta Rho Upsilon!
                                                            
At mention of this, one of the stagehands takes him by the
shoulder, and they sing the song of Beta Rho Upsilon.* The
brothers sit down at the table. The MC turns to DAN, one of
his brothers.
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
You're in fine voice tonight, Dan!
                                                            
                       DAN
You've got a couple of handles to
thank for that!
                                                            
Enter Klaude and Julia.
                                                            
                       LUKE
Ehh, great. Klaude brought his
cum-dumpster of a girlfriend to
steal our food again.
                                                            

12.

                       JULIA
      (sarcastically)
It's nice to see you too, Luke.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Cut it out, you two. Does anyone
know what's for supper?
                                                            
                       DAN
Well, the poster on the "cow" said
we were going to have spaghetti
tonight . . .
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
That sounds pretty good.
                                                            
                       DAN
. . . But, seeing as how it's 5:30
and Izzy hasn't announced supper
yet, I'm beginning to wonder.
                                                            
Isabel Croner, known to the boys as IZZY, enters the room,
cleaning her hands.
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Our house mother, Isabel Croner,
commonly referred to as "Izzy."
                                                            
                       IZZY
All right boys, I know you're all
hungry, but I've got some news for
you. First off, I managed to fix
the plumbing, but I didn't have
time to make any supper for you.
                                                            
The brothers groan and complain.
                                                            
                       JULIA
This is incredible. Your own HOUSE
can't even afford supper!
                                                            
                       IZZY
Now, wait - I didn't fix any food
for you, so I ordered some pizzas
from Papa Tino's!
                                                            
Masterson, dressed as TINO, enters, carrying pizzas. The
guys begin to cheer.
                                                            
                       TINO
Bon giorno, boys! Dig in!
                                                            

13.

                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
      (to actors)
Wait a minute!
      (aside)
Ladies and gentlemen, your eyes
are not deceiving you. This is not
just another example of
double-casting in our show. That
is indeed Dean Vincent Masterson
wearing a beret and fake moustache
with a bad Italian accent. His
reasons for doing so . . . well,
we'll get into that later.
                                                            
The brothers line up to eat.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
      (to Julia)
See, babe? Everything worked out!
                                                            
                       IZZY
Thanks again, Tino.
                                                            
                       TINO
No problemo.
                                                            
                       IZZY
I've just had a lot of work
lately, but I'm glad to get that
plumbing out of the way.
                                                            
                       TINO
Signora Izzy, why-a you work so
hard? You always workin' so hard.
You never take-a da break. You
need to go on a date, maybe.
                                                            
                       IZZY
Seriously, Tino. Me, dating? At my
age?
                                                            
                       TINO
Well, you don't hafta go on-a da
date for to look for the Signor
Croner . . . go for drinks, or a
meal, et cetera. Like me. You go
with me to-a lunch sometime?
                                                            
                       IZZY
      (Delightfully
       surprised)
Lunch?
                                                            

14.

                       TINO
Si, si! An' I-a promise -- no
eating ANY Tino's! We go out
some-a place nice!
                                                            
                       IZZY
      (chuckles)
Okay.
                                                            
                       TINO
Friday at 12:30?
                                                            
                       IZZY
Are you serious?
                                                            
                       TINO
Hey. What's a yours is a mine, and
what's a mine is a yours.
                                                            
                       IZZY
Okay. I'd love to.
                                                            
The brothers are eating as DAVID OPPENHEIMER PARKINSON, a
rotund student with a short haircut, wearing a vest and
polo.
                                                            
                       LUKE
Uh oh, here's comes the dick
again!
                                                            
                       
Quit calling me that!
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
But that's your house's name,
right? Delta Iota Kappa?
                                                            
                       1ST BROTHER
Wait, and you're the president,
right?
                                                            
                       DAN
I guess that makes him the
DIK-head, then!
                                                            
The brothers laugh hysterically. Parkinson tries to quiet
them down.
                                                            
                       PARKINSON
Stop that! Quit calling me that!
                                                            

15.

                       LUKE
What would you rather be called?
Fatass?
                                                            
                       DAN
Douchebag?
                                                            
                       LUKE
Morbidly obese?
                                                            
                       PARKINSON
Klaude, I just stopped by to say
that my house didn't appreciate
your little practical joke last
Saturday.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Look, how were we to know your
house was going to miss all of its
spoons? You weren't using them.
                                                            
                       PARKINSON
Don't cross me, you little pig.
Things are gonna change around
here. It won't be long before the
administration gets word of what's
going on around here, if you catch
my drift.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Well, I'll be sure to keep my eye
out, then.
                                                            
                       PARKINSON
Ohhh, you'd better. Because my
fraternity isn't going to put up
with some pissant house that
thinks it can challenge our
position.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
You sound very self-confident,
Dave, maybe even haughty.
                                                            
                       DAN
      (looks at watch)
Uh, Kyle, it's about time for
meeting.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Well, Dave, as much as I'd like to
stay and chat with a fellow
fraternity president, I have more
            (MORE)

16.

                       KLAUDE (cont'd)
pressing matters to attend to.
Dan, Rob, could you show him to
the door?
                                                            
Dan and the MC start to drag (with great effort) Dan to the
door.
                                                            
                       PARKINSON
Once this house shuts down, we'll
get all your ritual paraphenalia
and whatnot - the robes, the
candles, the books - and the
CHARTER!!!
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Get him out of here.
                                                            
                       LUKE
So long, bong-licker.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
      (to Julia)
Sorry, honey. You need to go too.
No profane are allowed at a grand
council.
                                                            
He gently hands her a piece of pizza.
                                                            
                       JULIA
But . . . our dinner, and bowling
. . . This is the worst two-month
anniversary I've ever had!
                                                            
                       LUKE
      (looks her over)
Well, there's a first time for
everything, sweetie.
                                                            
She stomps off in a huff as the boys laugh. They finish
their food and head off-stage. Izzy and Tino watch them walk
off. As they walk off, the MC re-enters in a ceremonial robe
with a candle.
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
The scene is the Meeting Chamber
of the Worshipful Brothers of Beta
Rho Omega. I am not at liberty to
show you a full recreation of the
events that happened at that
meeting, due to the nature of my
vows as a Worshipful Brother . . .
something to do with disemboweling
and immolation, you know. I am
            (MORE)

17.

                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES (cont'd)
allowed, however, to show you a
short segment of the conversation
during the house news part of the
meeting.
                                                            
The ceremony begins. All of the brothers, dressed in
ceremonial robes and bearing candles, stand in a
semi-circle. At the center is Klaude, standing at a desk
with a gavel. He raps it three times, and the brothers blow
out their candles. He raps it again, and they are seated.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
This meeting of the Elders of the
Sacred Enlightenment is called to
order.
      (raps the gavel
       twice)
Brother Pontifex?
                                                            
Dan stands and salutes Klaude.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Is the portal to this chamber well
protected, with all Knights of
good standing located within?
                                                            
                       DAN
It is, Lord Inquisitor.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Very well. With all good and holy
acts of reverance and brotherhood
demonstrated, I shall now open the
floor for general discussion.
                                                            
He raps the gavel again. Luke's hand shoots into the air.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Yes, Brother Sanguinatus?
                                                            
                       LUKE
What're we gonna do about the
upcoming party?
                                                            
The brothers hiss him.
                                                            
                       2ND BROTHER
You must adress the Lord
Inquisitor in the manner of
ritual.
                                                            

18.

                       LUKE
Fuck the ritual! This is more
important than the ritual! This
party is coming up next week!
                                                            
                       1ST BROTHER
That's right - what are we going
to do about the BRU-Ha-Ha party?
                                                            
                       2ND BROTHER
We haven't missed it in years!
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
I don't know if we should risk it.
You saw what happened Delta Nu
after the Jamboree Bash - shut the
place down!
                                                            
                       1ST BROTHER
And they'll do the same to every
house caught having a party!
                                                            
                       DAN
I heard that Kappa is being exempt
from the alcohol policy.
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Yeah, the Kappa alumni threatened
to remove their scholarships if
they weren't allowed to drink.
                                                            
                       LUKE
Pays to have the administration on
the fucking payroll, huh?
                                                            
                       1ST BROTHER
We can't give up the party! Our
house has been doing this for
generations!
                                                            
                       2ND BROTHER
We can't risk this! A party is
just asking for the administration
to shut down our house!
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
What about non-alcoholic parties?
                                                            
The other brothers mumble to the negative, such phrases as
"no way" and "it's out of the question."
                                                            

19.

                       DAN
Gentlemen, it is our God-given
right to drink beer, ski, pop our
collars, and mantain an overall
fratty atmosphere in our house.
Are you so scared by the threat of
social probation that you would
give up the promise of drunken
escapades? No! We must do this. We
can do this. We will do this.
      (pause)
Now, if there are no further
objections, I suggest that we move
on to further business.
                                                            
                       LUKE
I second.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
All those in favor?
                                                            
They answer in the affirmative.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
The "ayes" have it.
      (hits gavel)
We shall now proceed onto the
business of . . .
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
I'm not allowed to let you see the
rest of our meeting; otherwise,
I'd have to cut out your tongue
and all that jazz. Anyways, the
beer run took place as scheduled.
Unfortunately, it was a dark day
for our house.
                                                            
Kyle walks back on-stage with Lorry. Lorry handcuffs Kyle.
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Campus security caught our
brothers in the act of driving the
alcohol back to the house. Three
of our brothers were placed under
arrest, including our president,
Kyle Klaude.
                                                            
Lorry takes Kyle off-stage. Izzy, Luke, and a few other
brothers re-enter. The rest of the stage is being
re-arranged for the office again.
                                                            

20.

                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Still, Beta Rho may be full of
drunken, unsocial losers, but we
were never ones to stand by and
let one of our brothers get into
trouble. So, after great
deliberation, we figured that we
would get the most effective
speaker in our house to go and
argue Klaude's case. So, wouldn't
you know it - they picked Izzy.
                                                            
Izzy enters into Topper's office.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Please, have a seat, Miss . . .?
                                                            
                       IZZY
Isabel Croner.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Haven't we met before?
                                                            
                       IZZY
Yes. It was the scholarship dinner
for Beta Rho. I'm their house
mother.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
How silly of me to forget. Now,
what is it that I can help you
with?
                                                            
                       IZZY
I want to talk to you about Kyle
Klaude.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Oh, that. I'm afraid there's
nothing that can be done about
him. The university has already
brought him up on charges of
buying alcohol. I'm afraid he'll
have to be expelled.
                                                            
                       IZZY
Expelled? Kyle's the legal age to
drink. He wasn't intoxicated.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
The fact of the matter is that Mr.
Klaude was caught carrying alcohol
on a dry campus.
                                                            

21.

                       IZZY
Mr. Topper, you've been to my
house! You know my boys! They
don't drink to excess. They're a
good house. Their GPA and their
involvement reflects this . . .
                                                            
                       TOPPER
I'm not showing favoritism here.
The law is the law, and he broke
it knowingly. Let him set an
example.
                                                            
                       IZZY
So, you are going to be this harsh
with each and every student
involved in drinking alcohol?
                                                            
                       TOPPER
If that's what is needed to clean
up this campus, yes.
                                                            
                       IZZY
If you expel every student on this
campus who drinks, I'm afraid you
wouldn't have enough tuition to
support this school. That's the
plain truth.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
It's better to be severe now,
ma'am, and instill some fear into
these kids again. That'll make
them respect the law. Make 'em
think twice about -
      (consults police
       report)
acts of indecency, vandalism,
drunk driving! . . .
                                                            
                       IZZY
Let me ask you a question: if a
student gets drunk at a party and
passes out, and could possibly
require medical help, what makes
you think that his friends will
risk being expelled by calling
public safety?
                                                            
                       TOPPER
They should know better in the
first place. The law is the law.
                                                            

22.

                       IZZY
I see. You care nothing about the
students. You care only for the
law. What you forget is that these
laws were made to protect the
students, not to destroy their
careers. It's one thing to have
the power of the law behind you.
It's another thing entirely to use
the law as you do!
      (stands up)
I can see that my coming here
hasn't done any good at all.
Goodbye.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Wait a minute, Miss Croner. Maybe
I can help you.
                                                            
                       IZZY
I'm listening.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
I've got a hypothetical question
for you: what would you be willing
to do in order to keep Mr. Klaude
from being expelled?
                                                            
                       IZZY
I'd do anything, within reason.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
"Within reason." You and I are
awfully reasonable people, don't
you think?
                                                            
                       IZZY
Yes, I should think so, although
I'm starting to wonder about you.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Well, how's about . . . let's say
. . . well, sometimes you have to
do a little wrong to do a little
right - right? You wouldn't argue
with that.
                                                            
                       IZZY
What are you implying?
                                                            

23.

                       TOPPER
Cryma-nitley, lady! Are you this
naive, or you just acting? Either
way, it ain't no good for me.
                                                            
                       IZZY
Wait - you don't possibly mean
that I . . .
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Durn it all, yes! Share my bed!
                                                            
                       IZZY
You want me to sleep with you?
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Shhh!!! They'll hear you outside!
                                                            
                       IZZY
I don't believe this! You must be
joking!
                                                            
                       IZZY
      (starts to leave)
I am NOT going through with this.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Do I look like I'm joking?
                                                            
                       TOPPER
You want to keep your boy from
being expelled, right?
                                                            
                       IZZY
Not if I have to do this! You are
a sick man, sir.
                                                            
                       IZZY
What you're suggesting is immoral!
You need to be reported!
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Hah! I'd like to see you try.
                                                            
                       IZZY
Do you think you can stop me?
                                                            
                       TOPPER
I'm a pillar of this community.
You're just a house-mom divorcee
who's past her prime. Who do you
think they'll believe?
                                                            

24.

                       IZZY
Someone will believe me. Just you
wait. They will.
                                                            
She leaves.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
      (yells after her)
It won't be anyone important! Rest
assured!
                                                            
Topper laughs. The actors begin to change the set again.
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Dean Topper's words struck deep.
Izzy did not bother to tell anyone
of her predicament. Who would
believe her? She was silent. She
could not reveal the awful
proposal that had been made to
her. Finally, the strain was too
much. She could not keep the
secret any longer, so she decided
to tell it to the one person whom
it might benefit - or might not .
. . The county jail.
                                                            
Klaude is miming being in a jail cell. Julia stands without,
pacing.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Baby, I'm sorry it had to come to
this.
                                                            
She sighs.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
I called my parents last night.
They're getting a lawyer - the
best one they know! They're going
in tomorrow to set the bail. I
don't think it should be too big
and my parents could probably pay
it. There's a chance the
university might deny a bail
though, because of tendency to
flight or whatever the hell it is
they call it. It's a long shot, I
know, but . . .
                                                            

25.

                       JULIA
Kyle . . . I'm sorry. I just can't
take it anymore. I want out of
this.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Well, you picked a killer of a
time to tell me.
                                                            
                       JULIA
These last few days I've been
thinking about us and I just don't
think that -
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
You stupid bitch! How could you do
this to me? You're lucky I'm in
this cage, otherwise I would come
out here right now and tear you
apart!
                                                            
                       LORRY
Miss West, I think your time is
up. If you'll follow me, I'll just
show you to the door . . .
                                                            
Lorry leads her out. He re-enters, with Izzy and Luke behind
him.
                                                            
                       LORRY
Klaude, there's someone else here
to see you. And I suggest that you
treat her better than you treated
that poor girl!
                                                            
                       IZZY
      (to Luke)
I'll only be a few minutes, Luke.
Wait outside.
      (to Klaude)
Hello, Kyle.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Hello, Izzy. Did you get in touch
with the dean?
                                                            
                       IZZY
Yes, I spoke with Dean Topper.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
. . . And? What did he tell you?
                                                            

26.

                       IZZY
He's not going to let you off.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Well, isn't there anything else
you can do?
                                                            
                       IZZY
I'm afraid not, Kyle. I'm sorry.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
No. No . . . This can't be
happening to me. I'm a good
student. Captain of the swim team.
I was going to graduate in three
months! I was on the Dean's list!
Phi Beta Kappa! I had an offer
from the med school in . . .
                                                            
                       IZZY
Kyle.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
What?
                                                            
                       IZZY
Listen. If there was a way to get
you out of here, even if it was an
"ethically ambigious" way of
getting you out, would you want it
to be done?
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Of course not. That's out of the
question.
                                                            
                       IZZY
Oh, thank heavens! There for a
second, I thought you weren't
going to say that! But I can trust
you. I can trust all my boys! -
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
      (curious)
- Why? Did you have something in
mind?
                                                            
                       IZZY
What does it matter? You've made
up your mind!
                                                            

27.

                       KLAUDE
On second thought, if it means me
getting out of here . . .
                                                            
                       IZZY
But what if it meant that -
someone very near and dear to you
had to compromise themselves to do
this?
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Compromise? What are we talking
here?
                                                            
                       IZZY
Well, I don't think I hardly need
to explain myself . . .
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Are we talking "Indecent Proposal"
stuff here?
                                                            
                       IZZY
Yes. Very much so.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Ah. Well in that case . . .
      (pause)
Who are we talking about, here?
                                                            
                       IZZY
Someone very near and dear to you.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Hmmm. Is this a guy or a girl?
                                                            
                       IZZY
It doesn't matter.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Is it someone in the house.
                                                            
                       IZZY
That's not important right now.
Just don't ask.
                                                            
Masterson (dressed as Tino) enters with a brown bag.
                                                            
                       TINO
Here's-a the philly. $5.20.
                                                            
                       LORRY
Thanks, Paps.
                                                            

28.

                       KLAUDE
One of my classmates? Are they in
my geology class?
                                                            
                       IZZY
Look, I'm not going to sit here
and play "Guess Who" with you all
night! It's obvious that you don't
care about anyone or anything
besides getting out of here. Well,
you can stay in here for all I
care! Goodbye!
                                                            
                       TINO
Exucsay, Signorina Croner!
                                                            
                       IZZY
Yes, what is it?
                                                            
                       TINO
It's-a me, Tino? I remember we had
a date today, but you missed it.
So sorry.
                                                            
                       IZZY
What are you talking about, Tino?
      (realizes to what
       he refers)
Oh. The "date" date. I'm the one
who should be sorry. God, - it's
just this trouble with my boys
recently . . .
                                                            
                       TINO
I couldn't help-a but to overhear
your chit-a chat. Maybe I can-a
help.
                                                            
                       IZZY
Please don't. No one could help me
out . Not now.
                                                            
                       TINO
Now now now. Tino thinks he a
knows what's wrong. Dean Topper
want you to a do somesing not so
nice, eh?
                                                            
                       IZZY
      (whispers)
How on earth did you find out?
                                                            

29.

                       TINO
When you in a da pizzeria
business, you know a everything.
Papa Tino know quite a bit about
Ol' Topper.
                                                            
                       IZZY
That's all fine and well, but how
could you help?
                                                            
                       TINO
I have a da proposition. Topper
will get a his wish.
                                                            
                       IZZY
What?!? Do you know what it is
you're asking me to do, Tino?
                                                            
She starts to move away, but he grabs her arm and brings her
to sit down.
                                                            
                       TINO
I'm not asking-a you. I'm gonna
get someone to-a take your place.
Then Topper think-a that you
have-a da fun with him, so he let
go Signor Kyle in exchange. But
you gadda do just one thing more.
                                                            
                       IZZY
What's that?
                                                            
                       TINO
You tell-a him you no do this
unless he let you wear a paper bag
on-a da head.
                                                            
                       IZZY
So now you're adding insult to
injury?
                                                            
                       TINO
No, no. Sometimes, you gotta take
an insult to avoid injury. But
it's-a important that you tell-uh
Topper to let you do-a this.
Uddawise, the plan is-a no good.
                                                            
                       IZZY
Are you sure you can get away with
this?
                                                            

30.

                       TINO
Of course! Papa Tino gotta da
whole thing planned out. Now, just
go on home and first-a ting you
do, call Topper and say dat you'll
meet him tonight at-a da office
at-a 10 o'clock. I'll take it
from-a dere.
                                                            
                       IZZY
Tino, why are you doing this for
me?
                                                            
                       TINO
Hey, what's-a mine is-a yours and
whatsa yours isa mine.
                                                            
                       TINO
Thank you.
                                                            
She clasps his hand in her, and smiles. Then she stand up
and leaves, Lorry leading the way. Tino smiles. He's got it
made. The MC enters as the rest leave the room.
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
      (to audience)
Excuse me if I step out of
character, but I'd like to see
what exactly Masterson has in mind
by this whole charade.
      (to Tino)
So, Dean, what's with this Italian
costume?
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
It's all part of my plan for the
campus.
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
The campus?
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Yes. You see, I want to clean up
this school. Thing is, I'm afraid
that if I handled it the way I
want to, I'd be kicked out of
every teacher's union in the
country. So, I decided that if I
couldn't do it, I'd would delegate
my authority to someone I could
trust. That's why I appointed
Topper. He's the only man I know
            (MORE)

31.

                       MASTERSON (cont'd)
that will be strict enough. So,
when I come back to school and
things are cleaned up, I can take
over the Dean position, and Topper
will take all the responsibility
for what has happened.
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
So, basically, you're passing the
buck?
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
I'm trying to do this in the most
effective way possible. I may be
stern, but I'll be a saint after
what they've been through with
Topper.
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Not the way things are turning out
now.
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
True, things might not be going
according to plan - right now. But
things will be back on track
before you know it, just wait and
see.
                                                            
The MC steps forward as the scene is changed once again.
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
And see we shall - for that very
night, Izzy, as promised, called
Dean Topper to give her consent;
and Topper, as promised, presented
himself at the office at ten
o'clock. Oh, and the stipulation
on Izzy's part - she had to wear a
bag on her head the whole night.
Topper, a little disturbed but
nonetheless eager for the
rendezvous, complied, and they met
at the office, ready for a night
of frivolous fun. After hitting up
all three of the area's local
bars, they retired to Topper's
home, in order to, er, consummate
the relationship.
                                                            
Topper and "Izzy" come into the room. They are both
stumbling, singing badly, and laughing.
                                                            

32.

                       "IZZY"
What a night!
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Isn't it? Good food, good beer,
great dancing . . . it's been
simply superb.
                                                            
                       "IZZY"
Hmmm . . . yes.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
And I was lucky enough to be
dancing with the cutest lady -
wearing a paper bag.
      (pause)
Are you going to take that off
now?
                                                            
                       "IZZY"
. . . In good time.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
      (shrugs)
All right. Can I get you something
to drink? Gin, whiskey, a martini
. . .
                                                            
                       "IZZY"
Do you have any scotch?
                                                            
                       TOPPER
All right, Missy. Scotch comin'
right up.
                                                            
He walks over and begins to pour her a scotch.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
I actually got this scotch from a
junior's stash. Lived in one of
the apartments. You'd be surprised
what stuff these kids have in
their bars . . .
                                                            
                       "IZZY"
This is confiscated?
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Okay, yes it is. I know what
you're thinking: "Aren't you being
a hypocrite drinking this?"
                                                            

33.

                       "IZZY"
Naw - it has to go somewhere.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
      (laughs)
Ha! You're right! It does have to
go somewhere. Well, I know the
perfect place to put it, too.
      (hands her her
       drink)
There you go. Bottoms up.
                                                            
They drink up.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
I hope you didn't get the wrong
idea when I asked you out at our
meeting.
                                                            
                       "IZZY"
Uh, oh - I mean, yes, of course.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
I don't want you to think that I
go around doing this to every
woman who meets me with that sort
of request.
                                                            
                       "IZZY"
Oh, really? Then, is it just every
other woman you come on to?
                                                            
                       TOPPER
      (impatient)
Say, when are you going to take
that stupid paper bag off of your
head? You gonna wear it all night?
                                                            
He grabs at it in an attempt to take it off.
                                                            
                       "IZZY"
No!
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Why're you wearing that thing? Did
someone drop acid on your face as
a baby, or something?
                                                            
                       "IZZY"
No. It's - the biggest fashion in
France, haven't you heard?
                                                            

34.

                       TOPPER
Come on. It's gotta come off
sooner or later!
                                                            
He begins to rip at the mask, and her clothes. She slaps
him, which stops him dead in his tracks. He falls back into
his chair, taken aback.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
I'm sorry. I wasn't always such a
lecher.
                                                            
                       "IZZY"
I find that hard to believe.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
I mean, I was young once just like
everyone - I sowed my wild oats -
but thank heavens none of them
went to seed, you know? I drank, I
partied hard, I knew lots of women
- I mean, KNEW them - but there
was one, oh God . . . was she ever
a prize. I met her at this party,
part of some reception for -
                                                            
                       "IZZY"
Henry Kissinger?
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Kissinger? Yes, that was it.
Jesus, was she something. Funny,
attractive, with a mind like a
steel trap, a dictionary and a
gutter rolled into one. We hit it
off right away. Wouldn't you know
it, ten days later we know we love
each other so much that we got
engaged. I'd say of all the
relationships I had, that was the
one I felt the most proud of.
                                                            
                       "IZZY"
      (wryly)
Congratulations. Whatever happened
to this Miss Wilson?
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Well, I - wait, how did you know
her name?
                                                            

35.

                       "IZZY"
      (grasping at
       straws)
Has a nice ring to it?
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Anyways, it was the day before the
wedding. A few of the professors
and myself went out for a bachelor
party. Nothing too bad, right?
Well, I got the chance to meet one
of the new philosophy professors
there. I got into this
conversation with her. We talked,
and talked, and talked, and next
thing you know, we slept together.
Me being the little horntoad that
I was, I decided to run off with
her. Heh. Like that lasted long.
Two days - TWO DAYS - and we were
through. It was then and there
that I decided to clean up my
life, and swear off all the booze
and drugs and women. That is,
until tonight.
                                                            
                       "IZZY"
Why on earth would you cheat on
your fiancee like that?
                                                            
                       TOPPER
I guess I thought she was a
kindred spirit, someone who
understood the deep existential
crises that faces humankind in
everyday life, but in retrospect,
I think it might've had more to do
with the fact that her rack was
stupendous. But no - I only wish I
could set things right with Mary
Ann.
                                                            
                       "IZZY"
She really meant that much to you?
                                                            
                       TOPPER
      (sighs)
You have no idea. Maybe that's why
I asked you here this evening. You
remind me so much of her. Maybe,
in some "karmatic" sort of way, I
could make it up to her, through
you.
                                                            

36.

He takes her hand.
                                                            
                       "IZZY"
Mary Ann - did she have hands like
mine?
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Oh yes, very soft.
                                                            
                       "IZZY"
Was she about my height, and my
build?
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Yes, I'd say so. Very nice.
                                                            
"Izzy" takes off the paper bag. She is, of course, Mary Ann.
Topper cannot help but stare.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Oh my God. Your imitation is
uncanny.
                                                            
He begins to laugh hysterically, but she jumps him, and they
proceed to make out. The MC re-enters at this point.
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Ah, how I love it - the professor
and Mary Ann! Isn't the irony just
too good to be true? Well . . .
that might be so. A few days
later, Izzy went to the pizza
place to meet Tino - to see if the
night was a success.
                                                            
Izzy enters the police station, where Tino is waiting. He
smiles as she approaches, but she has nothing for him but
the back of her hand.
                                                            
                       IZZY
Thanks for everything, you pig!
                                                            
                       TINO
Eh, como?
                                                            
She hands him a letter.
                                                            
                       TINO
Miss Croner - we regret to inform
you that, due to extenuating
circumstances regarding the
alcohol policy of this campus, the
administration will not be able to
            (MORE)

37.

                       TINO (cont'd)
comply with your request to
dismiss the case of Mr. Kyle
Klaude. The case will continue as
scheduled on . . .
                                                            
                       IZZY
I don't know if you involve every
girl you like in a cruel,
misleading practical joke, but a
bit of advice: it doesn't work.
                                                            
She opens the door. Luke comes in.
                                                            
                       IZZY
Take me home, Luke.
                                                            
                       LUKE
      (to Tino)
Thanks a bunch, you fucking daigo.
                                                            
                       TINO
Mlle gratzie, I try-a to help you
and Signora Croner.
                                                            
                       LUKE
Yeah, if it's anyone's fault, it's
the fault of that douchebag
Masterson.
                                                            
                       TINO
      (double-take)
Excoo-say, what?
                                                            
                       LUKE
Hadn't been for that cock-sucker,
we wouldn't have to deal with that
tightass Topper. Trust a little
shit like Masterson to take a
situation like this and make it
craptacular.
                                                            
                       TINO
Now, I'd watch-a my words if-a I
was-a you. You don't-a know what
lengths Signor Masterson goes to
for-a da kids's sake.
                                                            
                       LUKE
      (mocking)
"I'd watch-a my words if-a I was-a
you." Fuck off, wop.
      (to Izzy)
Let's go.
                                                            

38.

Tino raises his hand, as if he were about to strike him, but
he checks himself, unbeknowest to either of them. They walk
off, Izzy glancing back one last time. As soon as they
leave, Tino walks over to Kyle's cell. Kyle has fallen
asleep. He takes a key out of his pocket and unlocks the
cell door. Tino goes over and picks up the phone, while
Lorry isn't looking.
                                                            
                       TINO
      (as Masterson)
Campus Security? I'd like to speak
to Sgt. Lorry, please.
                                                            
                       LORRY
      (picks up phone)
This is Sgt. Lorry.
                                                            
                       TINO
      (as Masterson)
This is Dean Masterson. It has
come to my attention that some
houses are planning to have a
party this evening. I want a
reward of $5,000 dollars given to
anyone who finds out the location
and perpetrators of this party,
understood?
                                                            
                       LORRY
Yes, sir.
                                                            
                       TINO
      (as Masterson)
There's some more paperwork I'm
going to need you to fill out from
the justice of the peace -
                                                            
The scene goes dark, and the MC steps forward again.
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
So, it was finally time. Beta Rho
was having its big bash with our
neighbor sorority Phi Delta
Upsilon, or Phelt Up. And as far
as parties go, they were going all
out. Sure, the guys in the house
knew that they were going to hit
the trail soon enough, so they
decided to have one last hurrah
before they would be expelled
forever.
                                                            

39.

The stage erupts into a drunken bacchanalia. Half-naked
college students gad about the stage, drenched in beer and
exhilirating joy. Tiki torches are lit.
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
All of you who think that greek
students are irreligious
libertines are gravely mistaken.
Granted, we do not worship
Jehovah, Allah, Brahma, or Buddha.
We worship a deity that is ever
present in the minds of all men,
especially "the morning after." We
worship a deity that walks on
water turned to wine - and beer,
and vokda. We worship that trinity
of popped collar, Ray-Bans, and
spiked punch . . . Behold, my
friends, the holy rites of the
greek party, in veneration of the
Almighty ALCOHOL!!!
                                                            
One of the brothers tries to hand a drink to the MC.
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
No, thank you. I'm a non-believer
myself.
                                                            
                       DAN
Gentlemen, a toast!
                                                            
They raise their glasses.
                                                            
                       DAN
Here's to kisses snatched, and
vice versa!
                                                            
The crowd cheers raucuously. In the heart of the festivities
appear a group of girls - the Felt Up girls.
                                                            
                       1ST SISTER
What's wrong, Ollie?
                                                            
                       DUNNE
This party is lame.
                                                            
                       1ST SISTER
What's so bad about it? Lots of
drinks, lots of tables for
dancing, lots of boys -
                                                            

40.

                       DUNNE
Boys! I'm so tired of boys! I need
men! I'm drunk, and now I need a
man!
                                                            
                       1ST SISTER
Bu there's plenty of guys here to
choose from!
                                                            
                       DUNNE
I wish I had a manly man to date,
one who is strong, and forceful,
not like these pansies!
                                                            
Klaude enters, disheveled and pale. His brothers rush to his
side. The girls, especially Dunne, are enamored.
                                                            
                       DUNNE
What a . . . wow . . .
                                                            
                       DAN
Klaude! Damn, how did you get out?
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Somehow, my cage was unlocked. I
found out and escaped when Lorry
was asleep.
                                                            
                       LUKE
It doesn't matter now. We've got
to get him somewhere safe.
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Somewhere out of state.
                                                            
                       PARKINSON
Not a chance.
                                                            
Parkinson steps forward.
                                                            
                       PARKINSON
You're staying right here - you
and all your brothers.
                                                            
                       LUKE
How the hell did he get in here?
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
I advised a guest list . . .
                                                            
                       PARKINSON
When I found out you escaped from
jail, I managed to follow you all
            (MORE)

41.

                       PARKINSON (cont'd)
the way over here. I knew your
friends were going to have a party
of some sort, so I took the extra
precaution of calling the police.
They shoud be here any minute, and
I'll be getting my $500. Talk your
way out of this, Klaude. Nothing
can help you now.
      (raises his beer
       can)
Cheers, buddies. Enjoy it while
you can.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
That's it. I've had it with you.
You want our secrets? You gotta
work for them.
      (to the brothers)
Give him the treatment.
                                                            
The brothers grab Parkinson. They pin him to the floor.
                                                            
                       PARKINSON
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? LET
ME GO!
                                                            
A few brothers keep him pinned down. The others drag in two
mattresses. They sandwich Parkinson between the mattresses
and tie them together with bungee cords.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Take him to the roof. Drop him.
                                                            
                       PARKINSON
      (inside the
       mattresses)
NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
                                                            
He sticks his hand out, but they stuff it back in. They
start to carry the mattress sandwich out of the room, but
drop it when they hear the sound of Lorry's loudspeaker.
                                                            
                       LORRY (O.S.)
      (Loud-speaker)
Come out with your hands up! We
have you surrounded! Hand over
your hostages and no one will get
hurt!
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Looks like the party's over, guys.
                                                            

42.

                       KLAUDE
Like hell it's over. Come on,
everyone! They're not gonna get
our charter without taking down a
few of us first! Luke, Jim, bolt
the doors and board up the
windows! Paulie, Trigger,
Poopstain, save up all the food
and alcohol you can, it's going to
be a long siege. Robert! Bring the
charter in here! Ladies, barricade
yourselves over in the corner!
                                                            
                       DUNNE
Don't worry, Love, we won't be a
bother!
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Guard this with your life. If we
lose this, it's all over!
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Right-o, Kyle!
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
All right, Dan. Time for the last
resort.
                                                            
He swings open the doors of the dresser, displaying a gun
rack. He starts to hand out the rifles to the various
brothers.
                                                            
                       TINO
Dio mia! You's a-gonna shoot them?
                                                            
                       IZZY
But you'll kill them!
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
It's all right. They're just
paintball guns. Paint won't kill
them - but the humiliation will!
All right, guys. Ready to fire on
my mark. Here they come. Take aim
. . . FIRE!!!
                                                            
Gunfight ensues. Brothers fall as the fight goes on. Kyle
tries to rally his forces. In the confusion, Tino sneaks up
behind Kyle and grabs him in a headlock. The brothers hold
their fire.
                                                            

43.

                       TINO
All right. Nobody-a move, or it's
kiss-a-death for da Kyle!
      (to Klaude)
'Dis is for-a your own good, Kyle.
                                                            
                       DAN
Hands off, Tino! I've got you in
my crosshairs!
                                                            
                       TINO
You shoot me, you getta no more a
da food!
                                                            
                       1ST BROTHER
Don't do it, Dan! I don't think
he's kidding!
                                                            
                       TINO
Drop-a da guns!
                                                            
They drop the guns. Tino walks to the window.
                                                            
                       TINO
Okey dokey, cops! Andiamo!
      (to the brothers)
All right, boys, put your fazolis
to the wall. Don't wanna hear-a da
peep outta anyone!
                                                            
They place their hands on their heads and walk over to the
wall. Enter Lorry and one or two other cops. Lorry motions
for them to go over and take care of the brothers. Enter
Topper.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Situation under control, Mr.
Lorry?
                                                            
                       LORRY
Everything's fine here, sir. You
know, you really don't need to be
here.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
No. I want to see these
troublemakers face to face.
      (to the students)
I'm sorry it had to come to this,
kids. But you broke the rules, and
there's a price to pay - that
price is expulsion from this
institution and a permanent blot
            (MORE)

44.

                       TOPPER (cont'd)
on your academic record. You were
warned. Lorry?
                                                            
The officers begin handcuffing the students.
                                                            
                       TINO
I gotta da boss right here!
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Ahh, Tino! Well done! Take care of
them, officers.
                                                            
As they are being handcuffed, Luke slips out a knife that he
has been hiding in his sleeve. He cuts the officer trying to
cuff him and corners Tino.
                                                            
                       LUKE
Say goodnight, garlic breath!
                                                            
Luke and Tino struggle, during which the wig and moustache
fall off. Those watching gasp in amazement. Luke falls back,
shocked. Topper is equally shocked.
                                                            
                       LORRY
Dean Masterson?
                                                            
                       TOPPER
What the hell?
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Hell, indeed. I've been here on
the campus the whole time, just
watching how things would be going
in my absence.
      (takes a look
       around)
Woo boy.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
And you see how these kids have
turned it into a cesspool! -
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
It wasn't just the kids. I think
you gave them ample help. I
couldn't have thought of a worse
nightmare - an increase in
drinking, unregistered parties,
DUIs, underclassmen going to the
hospital rather than jail - the
more you tighten your grip, the
more coeds slip through your
fingers.
            (MORE)

45.

                       MASTERSON (cont'd)
      (beat)
Yes, I just quoted "Star Wars" . .
.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
I was trying to stop them! How can
I help it if they're just bunch
of frat kids?
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
      (cutting to the
       point)
- And rumors of faculty corruption
and extortion!
                                                            
                       TOPPER
      (after a passing
       glance at Izzy)
I don't know what you're talking
about!
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
I think you know exactly what I'm
talking about. And I doubt that
I'm the only one here.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
So, I'm not getting any leniency,
I suppose?
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
No, quite frankly. Fortunately for
you, I've learned that a "no" is
easier to change to a "yes" than
the other way around. I'll let you
off the hook on two conditions:
first, you must revoke the current
alcholic policy, de-expel these
students and un-arrest Kyle
Klaude.
                                                            
                       DAN
      (drunken aside)
Isn't that three?
                                                            
                       TOPPER
And two?
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Well, here she is now.
                                                            
Mary-Ann steps forward. Topper gulps.
                                                            

46.

                       MASTERSON
I think you know what you need to
do with her.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
Don't I get some time to think it
over? I mean, it'll take time to
find someone who can marry us -
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Actually, Lorry can do it right
now. I had the justice of the
peace appoint him as Deputy
Marriage Commissioner just for
this occasion.
                                                            
                       TOPPER
      (looks at Mary Ann)
Well, one poison is prettier than
the other - but I guess since
"leniency" is tonight's theme,
I'll be more than willing to let
these kids off the hook.
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Good. Lorry, marry them.
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
      (to the students)
Now, don't think you're off the
hook. You weren't exactly chubby
little cherubims yourselves. I
want you to clean up your act.
Start some acoholic safety
programs in your houses. Provide
more opportunities for those who
don't drink.
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
      (aside)
If they exist.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Mr.Masterson, as a house that has
traditionally relished our close
ties to the administration, I am
more than willing to comply with
these requests; and my first
official act in this regard is to
appoint Dan Grant as our chapter's
alcoholic advisor.
                                                            

47.

                       DAN
      (drops his bottle)
Sir, I am confident my experience
will serve me well.
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
      (to Luke)
As for you, I'm afraid my lenience
has dried up.
                                                            
                       LUKE
I was just defending the house!
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
For encouraging underage drinking,
slandering a faculty member, and
assault and battery, I should have
you expelled and thrown into jail.
                                                            
                       LUKE
This cannot be happening.
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
But I understand that most of this
can be attributed to the
influences of alcohol and
fraternity life. I am therefore
removing you from membership of
your fraternity and putting you
into rehab.
                                                            
                       LUKE
Rehab??? - You might as well throw
me in jail and suspend me!
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
      (to Parkinson)
As for you, my therapeutic friend,
you will get your reward of $5,000
dollars - in the form of a
scholarship.
                                                            
                       PARKINSON
NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! I'VE BEEN
ROBBED!!!!!!!!!!!!
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Mr. Lorry -- if you please, I'd
like to ask you to perform those
duties one more time.
                                                            
                       IZZY
I don't believe this . . .
                                                            

48.

                       MASTERSON
I know I've been wrong, and
foolish, and pig-headed. Well, I
did it because I thought I could
change things for the better. I
was too damn idealistic. I thought
I could turn men into angels.
Well, I can't. I'm just a man. I
just don't have that sort of moral
character. If there's anyone who
could do it, it's you.
                                                            
Izzy starts to leave.
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Izzy -
                                                            
                       IZZY
Leave me alone! I'm tired of being
toyed around with for your little
schemes!
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
No more schemes, I promise.
                                                            
                       IZZY
Goodbye.
                                                            
                       MASTERSON
Lorry is officially a deputy for
another -
      (looks at watch)
Ten minutes. Now, you probably
don't want me to tell you how I
would do anything for you, but --
what's yours is mine, and what's
mine is yours.
                                                            
                       IZZY
You could never manage your time,
could you?
      (looks at
       Masterson, and
       smiles)
Don't leave just yet, Mr. Lorry
                                                            
She takes his hand in hers. They stand before the
Oppenheimer as he performs the marriage ceremony once again.
                                                            
                       2ND BROTHER
So, does this mean we're losing a
house mom?
                                                            

49.

                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Now all is content - the school is
wet once again, our president is
out of jail, and it looks like
everyone has found a mate - well,
except for me. But I AM the Master
of Ceremonies for a reason!
                                                            
Julia walks up to the Master and kisses him.
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
Hey! She's my ex! You can't do
that!
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Wanna bet? This is my story, I
tell it like it is!
                                                            
                       KLAUDE
But you can't just make stuff up
as you go along!
                                                            
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Watch me.
      (to audience)
Good night, folks! Hope you
enjoyed the show! Lights!
                                                            
Lights go down.
                                                            
THE END
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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