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by John Scott-Morton (pinkgoat8@hotmail.com)

Rated: PG-13

Genre: Comedy User Review: NOT YET
RATED
Comedy/Spoof

BATTYMAN AND THE PHOTOGRAPHER WHO SHOT ME

FADE IN:

EXT. CRICKET PITCH SOMEWHERE IN SURREY - DAY

The scene is filmed in black and white, a typical old style
news broadcast pre-technicolour.

ESTABLISHING SHOT

The film opens to show us a small amateur cricket green with
pavillion, we see two teams competing on the pitch along
with a handful of semi-interested bystanders near the
pavillion.

NAR
(Voice Over)
This is the story of a remarkable
young man, a man who would
overcome his insatiable critics to
become probably the greatest
superhero the world has ever seen.
A man known to the world as
Battyman! Here we see him in his
infantcy, on the fateful day which
saw him transition from a your
average boy, in to a super gay
boy. Super because he had super
powers, not as in he was super gay
alhtough he really was so it works
in both senses.
Here we seee him participating
in a cricket match with his fellow
orphan friends, none of whom have
names so to save confusion we
shall call him orphan four.

The match is in motion, orphan four is coming out to bat at
number four, he is dressed in his shiny whites and has a
beamning smile on his face.

SFX APPLAUSE

The bowler runs in and bowls a ball of perfect length,
orphan four steps forward and takes a gargantuan swing at
the ball smacking it high and far in to the sky.

SFX SMACK OF BALL
OFF BAT

The Umpire makes the relevant signals with his hands to
indicate that the shot went for six.

ORPHAN 4
Oh sweet a six! Get in.

SFX APPLAUSE AND
CHEERING

The umpire suddenly looks a little bemused and wanders to
the other end of the crease to chat to his fellow official.

UMPIRE
Hold your horses young chap, I
believe that you are meant to be
on the other team your supposed to
be fielding.

Orphan four suddenly doesn�t look quite so elated, his grin
turns to a frown and his starts to blush.

ORPHAN 4
Oh, I see. So.....

UMPIRE
Yes indeed...

JUMP CUT TO
BYSTANDERS

The cameras attention suddenly shifts to the small gathering
of bystanders near the pavillion.

BYE 1
Oh no! (gasps)

BYE 3
What, whats going on? I don�t get
it.

BYE 1
That, that young man..He, hes
batting for the other side.

BYE 2
You mean..He�s an uphill gardener?

BYE 3
What? So he�s gay?

BYE 1
Yeah, pretty much.

BYE 3
Oh, well in that case anyone for
tea?

With that the group dissapear off in to the pavillion and
the camera flicks back to the game in hand.

ZOOM IN ON ORPAHN
FOUR�S FACE

SFX LAUGHING AND
JEERING

We see Orphan four get gradually redder and redder, all
other noises fade out and we are left with just the booing
and laughter.

ORPHAN 4
oh no, what does this mean? What
have I done?

NAR
(Voice Over)
The noise of all the other orphan
kids laughing at him, coupled with
the realisation he had done
something profoundly stupid and
the extremely thick wooly jumper
he was wearing took its toll on
pour orphan four. It was all too
much for him to take.

We see orphan four suddenly stop and keel over, falling
right on to the stumps behind him smacking his head off
them.

SFX SICKENING THUD

The light fades out until everything goes black.

JUMP CUT

We then see the other orphans huddled around the sprawled
out orhpan four adorning the floor, his eyes are closed and
he is completely still.
Then his eyes suddenly shoot open, revealing piercing blue
eyes that were not there before.

ZOOM IN ON EYES

Orphan four quickly hauls himself up off the floor, dusting
himself down as he does so.

NAR
(Voice Over)
As orphan four pulled himself up
off the grassy floor it was clear
to all around him that he had a
certain new found aura. Something
was visibly different about him,
he was no longer just a simple
orphan, he was destined for
something great, something
amazing. Nobody realised it at the
time but this young man would one
day save the world from complete
obliterration, which you must
agree is quite something.

BATTY
I feel so Different, I feel like I
could save the world some day.
Thats pretty cool.

All the comotion on the pitch had brought the previously
disinterested bystanders back out of the pavillion to see
what was going on.

BATTY
(Voice Over)
Hmm I need a cool new name if I am
to save the world, no wait make
that two cool new names. My
superhero name can be......aha
Battyman, because of what has
happened here today. Also an alter
ego...hmm let me see something
Surrey as thats where we are maybe
Clerke as I met one once, yes that
will do nobody will ever suspect a
thing. Clerke Surrey a.k.a
Battyman....How cool is that?

The gathered crowd stands around bemused, whilst Battyman
deliberates new names in his head.

BYE 1
Is he going to do something? Or
what.

BATTY
(Voice Over)
I wonder if they can hear me.

BYE 2
I wonder what he's thinking.

BATTY
(Voice Over)
Sweet they can't, I can talk in my
head and they don't know what i'm
saying. Awesome what a gift.

With that Battyman dons some black Ray Bans, adopts a stance
to fly; reminiscent of that of a bird. Before squatting down
and then shooting off up in to the clouds.

CAMERA PANS UP AS HE
FLIES

JUMP CUT

Having wathced Battyman take off the camera cuts back to the
remaining crowd.

BYE 2
So that whole episode gave him
super powers then?

BYE 3
Guess so.

BYE 2
Nice.

BYE 1
Where'd he get Ray Bans from?

BYE 3
I don't know.

The bystanders shuffle off back to the pavillion, this time
for someting stronger than tea, whilst the other orphans
continue with their cricket.

UMPIRE
Shit, thats the third time this
month.

SLOW DISSOLVE

EXT. URBAN AMERICAN CITY 20 YEARS LATER - DAY

The scene opens with a bang, we go no real establishing
shot, the camera starts from afar before zooming right in on

a man falling down from a great hight. Along the way we see
plenty of tall buildings and skyscrapers, in what is a very
urban scene.

ZOOM ON FALLING MAN

FALL MAN

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Help me.

Suddenly out of nowhere a white flash; akin to an angel.
Swoops in from the sky and grabs the falling man inches
before he becomes a bloody mess on the concrete. Before
dropping him off conveniently near to a local news crew.

BATTY
I Battyman have saved this poor
soul from perishing.

With that he flaps his arms in what is a rather camp display
and ascends in to the sky.

CAMERA SHOT BECOMES
HAND HELD

Having witnessed the miraculous rescue of the falling man,
the intrepid reporter swoops in to get a first hand account
of the incident.

NEWS WOMAN
Hi there, channel four news team
here. You were just saved by one
they call Battyman yes. How does
it feel?

EYE LINE MATCH,
NORMAL CAMERA

FALL MAN
Well erm, you know it was ok I
suppose.

NEWS WOMAN
Would you care to elaborate on
that please, I mean were it not
for him you would surely have
fallen to your death.

FALL MAN
Well erm I was actually trying to
kill myself, I'd been planning it
for months. Getting my affairs in
(MORE)

FALL MAN (cont'd)
order and that, so yeah actually
I'm a little annoyed truth be
told.

NEWS WOMAN
Oh I see, well in that case I
would imagine your pretty pissed
really, him just spoiling your
plans like that.

FALL MAN
Yeah there is that, but also he's
gay. What's with that? I mean I
have nothing against gays per say,
but I swear he touched my leg on
the way and i'm just not down with
that sorry. It's just plain
unacceptable.

NEWS WOMAN
So what your saying is that your
not happy being rescued by a gay
person?

FALL MAN
Damn straight.

NEWS WOMAN
Well thank you for your time sir.
So the feeling here is that people
just don't want their superheroes
to be gay it's that simple. This
is the channel four field news
team signing off.

The rescued man the dissapears off in the direction of
another tall building, the news crew pack up and head off in
their van whilst the gathered spectators dissipate, all
going their own way shaking their heads very dissaprovingly.

NAR
You could tell it wasn't going to
be easy for poor Battyman, people
in this day and age just didn't
seem to want a gay superhero, for
the most part they would rather
have no help than gay help. And it
would take something rather
spectacular to sway them. Or would
it?...

INT. THE OFFICES OF THE DAILY PENIS - DAY

The scene opens at the feet of a yet unknown character, he
is wearing very old fashioned black shoes with white tips,
reminiscent of the godfather trilogy. The Camera then pans
up the body to reveal a very outlandish purple suit complete
with yello shirt and purple tie. His hair is dark and
ruffled stylishly and his eyes appear to be a hazel coulour.

EYE LINE MATCH WITH
OUR CHARACTER

Our stranger moves forward swiftly approaching a reception
area bearing the emblem of The Daily Penis; a popular mens
magazine. Behind which a middle aged mildly attractive
blonde women is sat filing her nails.

JANET
Good Morning Mr Surrey.

CLERKE
Why good morning Janet, any
messages for me?

JANET
Well the editor wants your piece
on that new strip place on his
desk by five. Also Lewis told me
to give you a kiss from him.

CLERKE
Erm, (blushes) why don't you hang
on to that for me then. I must go
very busy, thanks.

We see Clerke become visibly uncomfortable at the thought of
a kiss from this women, as he makes his excuses and shuffles
off in the direction of the elevators.

CLERKE
(Shouting) See you later Janet.

The elevator arrives at the ground floor with a ting and
Clerke practically jumps in it. The doors then close slowly
obscuring our protagonist until the close fully and he is
gone.

INT. TOP FLOOR - DAY

ESTABLISHING SHOT

The scene opens with an establishing shot of an office door
at the end of a corridor, there is writing upon the glass
section of the door, but it is blurred with the distance and
as yet we cannot make out what is written.

EYE-LINE MATCH,
PANNING FORWARD

The camera moves forward at walking pace, we realise that we
are seeing through the eyes of another unknown character, he
carries something in his hand as he walks. He is walking in
the direction of the end office, as he approaches the
lettering on the door becomes clear and it read: Clerke
Surrrey, Investigative Writer.

SFX CREAKING DOOR

The door burst open to reveal our character from the lobby;
Clerke Surrey. Sat behind a desk typing away at a computer.

ANGLE SHOT

CLERKE
Moring Lewis.

He says rather nonchalantly, bearly even breaking his gaze
from the computer screen.

The camera switches to the end of the desk so that both
chracters are now in view of the audience. The newcomer is
wearing a white shirt with black trousers, he wears a trilby
on his head, with a camera round his neck and no tie. He
adequately dressed but nothing groundbreaking he also
carries a copy of the days newspaper in his hand.

As he enters Lewis steps forward and kisses Clerke on the
forhead, before throwing down the days newspaper on the desk
clearly enraged.

LEWIS
Have you seen this?

EYE LINE MATCH,
CLERKE

We now see the man in the doorway though the eyes of Clerke.
His is a rather stocky man, with a large moustache. On his
chest we see a badge which reads: Lewis Track Photographer.

CLERKE
What is it? What am I looking at?
I'm really quite busy Lewis.

10.

LEWIS
The headline, there just read it.

Clerke looks down at the newspsaper sat upon his desk, on it
is a picture of Battyman about to fly off after his dramatic
rescue yesterday. However above it is a caption which reads.
"Battyman touched me!"

CLERKE
This is ridiculous, it says here
that Battyman is gay and therefore
shouldn't be allowed to work with
people. How do they even know that
he's gay?

LEWIS
Well erm, he is called Battyman.
If he didn't want the public to
know he was gay he should maybe or
given his name a second thought.

CLERKE
Oh fiddlesticks that's just daft,
everyone knows he's called
Battyman because he got his powers
from cricket.

LEWIS
They do?? This is America, nobody
even knows what cricket is.

CLERKE
Course they do, its obvious.

LEWIS
Well to the public it's obvious
that he's gay, hence Batty. If it
was purely for the cricket thing
then why didn't he just name
himself Batman, or something?

CLERKE
Batman?? hahahhaha, oh you do make
me laugh sometimes Lewis. Batman
indeed? Like any self respecting
superhero could expect to be taken
seriously with a name like Batman!
ahahah ah thanks i needed that.

LEWIS
Well people wouldn't think he were
gay.

11.

CLERKE
Hey hey, were he here right now he
would probably be very offended
and likely on the verge of tears.
So just stop it with your harsh
words please.

LEWIS
Ok ok, well agree to disagree. Gee
whizz Clerke, no need to take this
so personally. Anyway I have a
photo shoot to attend so I shall
see you later. Ok

With that Lewis kisses Clerke on the head again, before
dissapearing back out the way he came closing the door
behind him.

CLERKE
Oh if only Icould tell him, what
am I going to do?

With that Clerke grabs the newspaper, screws it up and
throws it in the direction of the bin.

SLOW MO PAN SHOT

The camera pans slowly following the twizzling ball of paper
in the air, finally the paper finishes its air time, hits
the rim of the bin, spins slowly around it before sliding
in. The camera stays focuses on the bin in the corner.

SFX CHAIR CREEKING,
DOOR SLAMMING

We hear the chair push back, hurried heavy footsteps. The
door then opens and slams very noisily. All the while the
camera is still focused on the bin.

ZOOM TO BIN

The camera zooms right in on the bin, leaving us with the
image of Battyman on the front cover of the paper.

EXT. MONTAGE SEQUENCE - DAY

This scene is a montage scene, comprising purely of
different shots to create a general feeling for our
Superhero in the eyes of the public.

PAN SHOT FOLLOWING
CLERKE

12.

Here we see Clerke Surrey walking though the streets of
Centropolis, his tie in loose and his top button unfastened,
he carries his jacket over his shoulder. As he walks he
shoves his hands deep in to his pockets and his feet scuff
against the floor as he walks, he looks highly dejected and
very sad.

Walking though the streets he passes a shop selling
televisions, Clerke carries on walking but the camera stops
and focuses on one of the televisions with something playing
on it.

STILL ZOOM AND FOCUS
ON TELEVISION

Clerke walks off screen and the televsision slowlx begins to
fill the screen as the non-diagetic becomes the diagetic,
one of the other televisions is on a rock music channel
playing Yesterdays by Pennywise. This sound merges with the
noise of the television to become the background music for
this montage.

Television shows man being interviewed

INTERVIEW MAN
It�s supposed to be superhero, not
superhomo.

In the same way a televsion flicks when the channel changes
we hop to a popular day time talk show.

INTERVIEW MAN
My son wants to be like Battyman
when he�s older, I don�t want be
son looking up to some poof as a
role model. I don�t want a queen
for a son.

Switches to a church sermon in a local Methodist Church

METHODIST
Now here this, I personally am all
for Earth having a savior, but how
can we embrace this man to be our
saviour, does the bible not
condemn homosexuality, it is a
disgrace, a mockery if you will.

A political debate in congress.

SPEAKER
So Senator, what your saying is
that we can�t put our lives in the
hands of this man because he is a
(MORE)

13.

SPEAKER (cont'd)
homosexual?

SENATOR
Your damn right that�s what i�m
saying, how can we trust him to
save our lives, our loved ones
lives or even our children�s
lives, we just don�t know what
else he might be hiding. He is the
most powerful man on earth, which
also makes him potentially the
most dangerous, how can we trust
him when hes not straight?

The screen suddenly goes blank, as though a button were
pressed somewhere and we are left in total darkness as the
scene ends.

INT. THE BLUE SPRITE'S APARTMENT/LAIR - DAY

ESTABLISHING SHOT

The scene opens where our previous montage scene finished,
our opening shot is from the midrift of our new character.
Infront of us we see a recently switched off televison along
with an outstretched arm brandishing a remote control.

SPRITE
Ahahahahahahaha, that should take
care of Battyman and i've barely
even had to lift a finger; well
except to operate this television!
ahah oh I am such a genius, with
Battyman out of the way I shall
embark on my crusade to take over
the world.

The camera pans around the room briefly, the walls of the
Sprite's lair are plastered with posters, pictures and
diagrams. As the camera takes us around the room we can see
various plans and schematics of some description, the focus
is slightly off and so we cannot really make out any detail
however what we can see as we follow the camera futher is a
wall dedicated to Battyman.

SPRITE
aghahahahahaa

14.

The scene gradually fades out until the screen is blank and
all we are left with is laughter. As we are left oblivious
as to what the Blue Sprite is plotting.

INT. CLERKE SURREY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

ESTABLISHING SHOT

The scene opens to show us Clerke Surrey lounging on a
chaise lounge, he is dressed as he was earlier except by now
he has lost the jacket, tie and shoes in his hand he is
holding a tab. The apartment is a fairly regualar looking
apartment with its furnishings; the colour scheme and
artwork/pictures aside.

CLERKE
What am I going to do?

He starts to cry.

CLERKE
Actually no why am I getting my
pants in a twist over this? If the
world doesn�t want a homo for a
hero then they shall have no hero
at all. I shall cease to be
Battyman, the world�s guardian
shall no longer be myself, they
shall have to learn to deal with
their own problems. That�l teach
them.

Clerke leaps up off the chaise lounge, with a new found
vigour.

BATTY
I have seen the light, I know now
what it is that I must do. I shall
use my powers to teach the world a
valuable lesson, hopefully
something horribly catastrophic
will happen and they will perish
without their lovable and
sensitive hero. Also it will give
me more time to devote to my work
and my lovelife. Plus it will
spare me the embarrassment of
having to come out to Lewis about
all this superhero stuff.

15.

Clerke then does a quick spin which creates a blinding white
light.

SPFX BRILLIANT WHITE
LIGHT

When the light subsides we see that we are no longer looking
at Clerke Surrey, our new character is wearing brilliant
whites along with matching shoes, his hair is no longer
slicked back it is ruffled and spiky, his contact lenses are
there no more revealing his brilliant blue eyes and he looks
macho in an oddly camp way.

BATTY
It�s time to put an end to this.

Battyman walks to the door leading out to the balcony, he
tries to open it but its stiff and won�t budge.

BATTY
Aw stupid door, where�s that WD40?

Battyman wanders off screen in to the kitchen, we then hear
lots of rummaging about before he emerges a few minutes
later brandishing a spray can of WD40 and a set of household
gloves.

BATTY
Ewww this stuff is greasy..

He walks back to the door and sprays both the hinges and
lock mechanism with several coats, retreats to the kitchen
returns the spray and gloves and then washes his hands.

SFX TAP RUNNING

BATTY
Right door, you�d better open this
time.

He tries the door again this time adding a little elbow
grease as well.

SFX BREAKING GLASS,
SNAPPING WOOD

Having put a little back this time into opening the door,
when Battyman gives it a push the entire door falls out of
the frame, snapping the wood and shattering the glass on the
floor.

16.

BATTY
Ooops must have used to much oil,
oh well i shall fix that later but
for now i have business to tend
to.

With that Battyman walks out on to the balcony, taking care
not to stand on any broken glass. He then adopts his stance
lifts his arms to fly before soaring off high in to the
night sky.

INT. PRESS CONFERENCE - NIGHT

ESTABLISHING SHOT

The establishing shot in our scene is of a typical news
conference, with a table in the centre of our screen, laid
out with �ll the various microphones and sound recording
equipment. Infront of the table in the foreground s�ts many
eager news reporters, ready and waiting to report.

SPFX BRILLIANT WHITE
LIGHT

Suddenly there is a bright flash in the left corner of the
room nearest to the door, the out of the light walks
Battyman dressed in his usuual superhero attire. He walks to
the middle of the table pulls out the chair and takes his
seat.

REP 1
Well that was quite a flashy
entrance really.

REP 2
Way over the top, if you ask me.

REP 2
Hmm yeah.

BATTY
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, a little quiet
please.

SPEC
Quiet! He�s going to say
something.

17.

REP 1
Sorry.

ZOOM TO BATTY

The room grows quiet and the camera switches its attention
back to Battyman and zooms in on his face so that he fills
the screen.

SFX CAMERAS CLICKING

BATTY
Thank you for assembling on such
short notice,
I have called you here tonight as
I have an announcement to make. I
would like to make it known that I
am officially stepping down from
first class Superheroing.

The room suddenly falls very quiet and still, for a few
moments nobody moves, nobody even utters a breath.

SFX GASPS

After a prolonged silence, the room comes out of its coma
and party is restored, the cameras snap away again and every
reporter in the room simultaneously tries to question
Battyman.

SFX CAMERAS
CLICKING, PEOPLE
SHOUTING.

BATTY
I guess it�s pointless me asking
if there are any questions then?
haha

His joke is wasted upon a noisy, bustly audience.

BATTY
Ok then, erm yes you there with
the camera.

REP 1
So does this mean that you will
cease to superhero altogether?

18.

BATTY
No, not quite I shall no longer be
doing top-flight rescuing but I
shall do some work still in some
of the third world countries.

REP 1
So not America then?

BATTY
Erm no, sorry.

REP 2
What is the reason for this sudden
retirement, is it drug related?

BATTY
No unlike many who have to step
down this has nothing to do with
drugs, it is purely for personal
reasons.

REP 2
So it�s to do with you being gay.
Is that correct? You don�t feel
comfortable being gay in what is a
predominantly hetero field.

BATTY
Ok you lot, listen up and listen
good, as I shall not repeat
myself.

REP 3
I�m sorry what?

BATTY
I said I wouldn�t repeat myself.

REP 3
Oh, ok do proceed.

BATTY
Thanks, ok let me set the record
straight. I am perfectly
comfortable with the fact that I
am infact not straight, however it
is this constant persecution of me
for being so. I just can�t take it
anymore, if the world won�t accept
me for being who I am then I shall
no longer be the world�s servant.
(MORE)

19.

BATTY (cont'd)

We see Battyman become visibly upset, as tears begin to
stream down his soft cheeks.

REP 1
Sorry I�m a little confused still.
So why are you stepping down?

Battyman pushed the chair back from the table and stands up,
whilst doing so he wipes his eyes with his sleeve.

BATTY
Sorry thats it, no more questions
please. You must excuse me.

BATTY
Having stood Battyman then moves
towards the exit, as he does so
the reporters all stand and shout
and snap away.

SFX CAMERAS AND
SHOUTING

NAR
As Battyman left the room the
reporters carried on as they had
before, not really grasping the
gravity of the situation. Little
did they and the rest of the world
know that they had just pushed
away the one and only man who
could save them from what was to
come.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE PRESS ROOM - NIGHT

The scene opens with a shot of the back of an old brick
building, with a single metal door leading out in to a dingy
alleyway. The door swings open, out steps Battyman he lights
a cigarette complete with a holder for the butt and takes a
few drags. The only light comes from a single street light
above us casting its light down over Battyman in what is a
very film noire style shot.

BATTY
Sniffs, ahh thats so good.

20.

He continues to puff away on his cigarette.

BATTY
Those vultures hounding me like
that, no appreciation at all for
anyones feelings. Well they'l be
sorry, they'l all be sorry.

He finishes his cigarette, stubs it our cafefully and then
finding no bin or ash tray to put the butt in, wraps it in a
piece of tissue and puts it carefully in his pocket.
After doing so he reaches in to his pocket on his chest
and pulls out his pocket watch to check the time.

BATTY
Oh fiddlesticks, is that the time?
Crikey I had no idea it was that
late. My god Lewis, I had
completely lost track of time.
Blast I was supposed to meet him
for dinner ten minutes ago.

He then adopts his stance, before quickly shooting off in to
the night.

INT. A SWANKY INNER CITY RESTAURANT - DAY

We see our photographer from earlier (Lewis) sat on his own
at a table set for two, the restautrant is fairly busy.
Lewis doesn't yet look uncomfortable but you can see that he
is clearly starting to get anxious.

SFX LIVELY CHATTER

A smartly dressed waiter approches lewis, he is hurried and
looks a little agitated.

MAITRE D
Something else to drink sir?

LEWIS
Oh um no thank you very much, I
don't want to be tiddled by the
time Clerke arrives.

MAITRE D
We are very busy tonight.

LEWIS
Yes know I saw that on the way in.

21.

MAITRE D
Lots of people wanting to eat, not
enough tables.

LEWIS
Oh thats a shame, you poor soul.
You must be rushed off your feet.

MAITRE D
A shame, yes it certainly is.
Especially when people waste
tables by not using them to their
full pontential.

LEWIS
What are you getting at here?

MAITRE D
Oh, nothing, nope nothing. I just
despise table wasters.

LEWIS
Oh well thanks for keeping me
company, but there really is no
need. My lover shall be here soon.
Your obviously busy as you said,
so I shan't keep you from your
job.

MAITRE D
Very good sir.

The bemused waiter walks back to his station shaking his
head.

MAITRE D
(Mutters) Idiot!

LEWIS
(To self) He will be here, he
will.

A rather loud almost splashing noise begins to emit from the
direction of the toilets.

SFX SPLASH NOISES

Suddenly Clerke Surrey emerges from the toilet, his right
leg is visibly wet at the bottom. He walks up to the table
where Lewis is sat and takes his seat next to him.

22.

CLERKE
Hey lewis, sorry I'm late, I had a
rather presing issue to deal with.

He leans in a gives Lewis a rather passionate kiss on the
lips.

LEWIS
Oh thats ok my love, your here
now. By the by what on earth was
that odd noise.

CLERKE
The noise, erm that was just
someone falling in the toilet.

LEWIS
Falling in to the toilet? My
goodness are they ok?

CLERKE
Yeah they're fine, just a little
pissed off i'd imagine.

LEWIS
Pissed on more like. ha ha ha

Lewis chuckles away at himself for a while, feeling quite
proud of his little joke. Seeing this Clerke joins in so as
not to rouse any suspiscion, however his laughter is not
sincere.

CLERKE
Oh, ha ha yes good one Lewis.

They chuckle away together for a while longer, before Lewis
stops and his face becomes a little more serious.

LEWIS
Oh Clerke, incidentally I was
wondering. How come you came out
of the toilets? I didn't see you
arrive, how long have you been
here?

CLERKE
The toilets? Well I just arrived
but I was just dying to wee so
when I got here I dashed straight
in to the little boys room.

23.

LEWIS
Thats odd, I never saw you come
in.

CLERKE
Well I did, maybe you were talking
to the waiter or something.

LEWIS
Oh yeah, we had a nice chat.

With that the waiter reappears from out of nowhere, he is
now brandishing a pad and has a determined look in his eye.

MAITRE D
May I take your orders now, sir
and sir...? Is, is this your
lover?

LEWIS
Yes he is. Why?

MAITRE D
But, he's a man.

LEWIS
Yes.

MAITRE D
And he's hot.

LEWIS
Yes, anything else?

MAITRE D
Actually yes.

LEWIS
What, what is it?

MAITRE D
You two look adorable together.

LEWIS
Oh, (blushes) thanks.

MAITRE D
Anytime gorgeous, anytime.

With that the waiter gathers his arms in to his chest, his
cheeks are very red and he wanders off rather aimlessly in
quite a daze.

24.

CLERKE
Well good job that wasn't weird.

LEWIS
Yes quite, he didn't even take our
order.

CLERKE
Yeah, what's with that?

LEWIS
I think he was hitting on me as
well.

Clerke takes both of Lewis's hands and places them inside
his own.

CLERKE
Thats because you are gorgeous.

LEWIS
Aaahhhhh

The pair then sit and stare longinly in to each others eyes
for what seems like an eternity. The camera then slowly
starts to zoom away from them, exposing more of the
restaurant and its bustle as the screen slowly washes out.

INT. RETROSPECTIVE PHOTOSHOOT - DAY

The scene opens and everything is in black and white leading
us to believe that this is in all in the past.
A photo shoot is in progress, a young rather fit young man
in modelling some new brand of Y-front in various different
positions, in the foreground we see the back of a
photographer who is snapping away and barking directions at
the very same time.

LEWIS
That's right, flaunt those thighs,
flaunt them.

SFX CAMERA SNAPS

LEWIS
Oh yeah that's good, excellent.
Show me your passion, show me.

The model then begins to pull his underwear down.

25.

LEWIS
No I said your passion, not your
penis. Ahrg stupid models.

SFX APPROACHING
FOOTSTEPS

From off screen a well but gareishly dressed man approaches,
he looks elegant and affluent. His entrance goes unnoticed
by the busy camera man, so Clerke stops behind him and grabs
his shoulder.

CLERKE
Escuse me sir.

Startled by the sudden interaction, the photographer reels
round stunned and as he does so accidentally snaps a shot of
the strangers face.

LEWIS
Golly gosh, sorry but you didn't
half give me a fright.

CLERKE
No it was my fault entirely, I'm
sorry.

LEWIS
No, no I'm to blame I should be
more careful where I point this
thing.

CLERKE
No honestly, no harm done you can
point your thing where you like.

The two stand adjacent to each other and drift away, each
getting lost in the others eyes.

MODEL
Are we done here?

The pair don't move.

MODEL
Excuse me!

LEWIS
Oh yes, sorry erm can I help you
with something?

26.

CLERKE
Yes, I'm the new reporter here. I
was looking for the editors
office.

LEWIS
Ah well you won't find it down
here. Ha erm yes you need the
second floor and you should find
it as it's the door the says
editor on it.

CLERKE
Okey doke, sounds simple enough.

LEWIS
Oh it will be nothing for someone
of your intelligence.

CLERKE
Thanks.

LEWIS
That's good then, that you work
here now. Means I'll get to see
more of your body. I mean I'll see
your butt round here more. Oh I
mean we can see each other. Sorry
that sounds stupid, welcome
aboard. Aboard the team that is,
not me.

CLERKE
Ok thanks, I guess I shall see you
later then.

Clerke then turns about and heads in the direction of the
elevator.

LEWIS
(shouts after him) I eat lunch
around one.

The lift arrives and Clerke steps into it. As he does so he
turns around and smiles at Lewis, the doors then close and
with it so does the scene.

INT. THE BLUE SPRITES LAIR - DAY

We return to the Blue Sprite's lair, the television is on
again in the background. In the foreground the blue sprite
paces back and forth across the room. Her entire body is

27.

blue except for her feet, hands, neck and face her hair is
also blue. She also has a long blue tail and horns
protruding from her head. She looks like the classic image
of satan but she is blue and not red.

SPRITE
Excellent.

Rubs hands together in glee.

The television in the background is showing the last few
minutes of the Battyman press conference the night before.

SPRITE
Now that the cricketing freak is
out of the picture I am free to do
what I like. I what I like to do
is to turn things blue.

SPRITE
Muhahahaha

Her evil laugh lasts far longer than it should do, the
camera pans away from the Sprite to the wall where pictures
of Battyman are and zooms in close of a picture of Clerke
with Lewis. Except Lewis's head has been replaces with that
of hers.

SPRITE
Oi!

The camera suddnely flicks back to the Sprite.

SPRITE
Nobody was supposed to see those
pictures, they were meant to be
kept in the background slightly
out of focus so that noone could
really make out what they were of.
We had a deal remember?

CAMERA MAN
Oh I wasn't recording don't worry.

SPRITE
Good, I had better not find out
you were lying to me. Else you
know what will happen.

28.

CAMERA MAN
I wasn't honestly. I was just
practising my zooming whilst you
were laughing and I needed
something still to focus on.

SPRITE
Ok ok I belive you. Gee I didn't
want your life story....

CAMERA MAN
That er, that wasn't my life
story.

SPRITE
Booring.

SPRITE
Go now your boring me.

CAMERA MAN
Ok come on guys.

The camera then moves towards the front door, the sound man
and techincian proceed first, the open the door the camera
follows them out in to the hallway and the door closes
behind them. The number on the door is 66 in what is just a
regular block of flats.

SOUND MAN
How rude.

CAMERA MAN
I know, I know thats the last time
I agree to do one of these.

SOUND MAN
What a Bitch.

The view switches so that the camera man, sound man and
technician are now all in our view. The camera is stationary
as we watch the group wander off down the hallway muttering
away to one another.

SOUND MAN
Where did they come from?

CAMERA MAN
I don't know.

29.

INT. THE METRO - DAY

SFX TRAIN ARRIVING

Clerke is stood on the platform of the metro waiting for the
train to arrive. It is early morning and he is on his way in
to work. In his hands he is holding a latte and a copy of
they days newspaper.

CLERKE
(To self) Ooh I love latte a
lotte.

The train arrives, the doors open and on gets Clerke. It's
fairly busy being early morning and Clerke is forced to
stand next to a group of suavely dressed business men who
are all nattering away to one another.

SFX TRAIN NOISES

The doors close and the train pulls away from the station.

BUS MAN 1
Did you hear the news this
morning?

BUS MAN 2
No, why what happened?

BUS MAN 1
Somebody turned the Statue of
Liberty blue, the whole thing.

BUS MAN 2
Really? But wasn't it green
before?

BUS MAN 1
Sure was.

BUS MAN 2
Argh why, just why would someone
do that?

BUS MAN 3
I heard they did the White House
too.

BUS MAN 2
Really? wasn't it white before?

BUS MAN 3
Yup, they did Niagra Falls too.

30.

BUS MAN 2
What all of it?

BUS MAN 3
Yup.

BUS MAN 2
Oh that's not all bad then, I mean
at least they got Canada as well.

NAR
(Voice Over)
Standing next to the group
Battyman overheard their
conversation, he would of
overheard it anyway even had he of
been sat at home due to his
superhearing. That aside he heard
what they were saying and he
started to wonder.

CLERKE
(Voice Over)
I wonder...hmmm who would do such
a thing? There aren't that many
evil people in the world who are
truely capable of such
attrocities. I must go at once to
the library of supervillians to
research as to who this could be
and put a stop to this before it
starts to get out of hand, because
that's what I do. Actually no
wait, I'm retired, I'm out of the
game the world can deal with this
problem themselves this time.

NAR
And that was that, Battyman was no
longer there to help and the world
was about to find themselves in
way over their heads.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

We are taken to the White; now Blue House. The President
Shrub along with his chief of Staff, Secretary of State,
Secretary of Defense and and handful of other advisers and
Military Chiefs are sat in the Oval Office. The president is
eating a boiled egg with dipping soldiers he has a bib
around his neck so as not to get any yoke on his shirt.

31.

PRESIDENT
Erm correct me if I'm wrong here
people, but I was fairly certain
that it was called the White House
for a reason. Don't get me wrong I
quite like the new colour, I mean
I shall certainly get used to it
it'll take some time though.

CHIEF STAFF
Well actually Mr President thats
why were all assembled here today,
the colour change was nothing to
do with us.

PRESIDENT
It wasn't? Oh how wonderful so
this is some sort of surprise
gift, I bet it's from that wife of
mine she's always doing something
crazy like this.

GENERAL
(Mutters) Gee is this guy dense.

SEC DEF
No sir, the change of colour of
the White House......

PRESIDENT
(Interrupts) You mean the Blue
House. he he he he

SEC DEF
Yes quite, the Blue House. Anywho
this along with the statue of
Liberty and Niagra Falls is what
we believe to be an act of
terrorism.

PRESIDENT
Terrorism!....Oh goodie so we get
to go to war.

The Secretary of State grabs a newspaper, rolls it up and
walks up to the President and hits him several times on the
nose.

SEC STATE
NO....NO.....NO....!

32.

The President folds his arms and becomes sulky like a young
child would.

GENERAL
No Mr President, no war I'm
afraid. We believe this is the act
of and evil villian, a sole
perpetrator rather than a rogue
nation.

PRESIDENT
Oh shame. Well in that case get
Battyman on it then would you, my
eggs getting cold.

CHIEF STAFF
Do you ever watch the news?

PRESIDENT
We get the news in here? I thought
it was just Nikelodeon and Jetix.
Wow now theres an eye-opener.

With that the big tele-conference screen on the wall begins
to buzz away and starts to come to life.

OPERATOR
Will you accept a collect call
from......

SPRITE
Oh erm your wife!

PRESIDENT
Oooh my wife, yes indeed.

With that the video screen comes to life and we see the Blue
Sprite sat center screen in a small booth.

GENERAL
(Mutters) Idiot!

SPRITE
Ahahaha nice Blue House fellas.

PRESIDENT
Hey! Your not my wife.

33.

SPRITE
Why yes I am, your the President.
Now how would I know that if I
wasn't your wife?

PRESIDENT
Oh, sorry honey.

SPRITE
Nah, I'm just screwing with you
I'm not really your wife. I am the
Blue Sprite ahahahaha.

Everyone in the room takes a step back in shock.

CHIEF STAFF
Are you in an Internet cafe?

SPRITE
Yes alas I haven't managed to get
broadband in to my lair yet.

CHIEF STAFF
Oh shame. Broadband is vital to
any good lair.

PRESIDENT
Well anyway what do you want? Make
it snappy remember I'm paying for
this call.

SPRITE
Oh right yeah, I am the villian
responsible for the villanous acts
your have seen thus far and I
shall continue to use my powers to
turn national monuments blue unitl
they are all done. Then when that
happens I shall have control of
America.

SEC STATE
Supposing that works and you
manage to take control of America
the most Powerful nation in the
entire world (chuckles to himself)
what do you plan to do then?

They gang all chuckle away to themselves, aside from the
President who looks truely terrified.

34.

SPRITE
Oh believe me once I transform all
America's national monuments, the
rest of the country will just fall
in my hands.

PRESIDENT
Excuse me, Mrs Sprite but did you
turn Niagra Falls blue?

PRESIDENT
All of it?

SPRITE
Its Ms and yes I did.

PRESIDENT
So you got Canada too?

SPRITE
Well yea, hence all of it.

PRESIDENT
Whew (wipes brow) well that's a
load off my mind. Oh sorry you
were saying.

The President suddnely looks a lot more at ease and
continues to eat his egg.

PRESIDENT
(Munching) Do go on.

SPRITE
I forgot where I was.

CHIEF STAFF
National monuments, seizing
control of America etc...

SPRITE
Oh right yes of course, once I
have control of America noboby can
touch me. I shall then be free to
exact my plan.....

CHIEF STAFF
Which is?

35.

SPRITE
I was pausing for effect.

CHIEF STAFF
Sorry.

SPRITE
That's ok, no biggy. Anyway once
in control I can then drill
through the Earth's crust via
Texas and go down to the Earth's
core. Once there I can insert my
giant "laser" codename: The
Destroyer of Insignificant Lame
Defenceless Organisms. When Fired
in to the core it's power will
shoot out all over the world,
through all the plates and
volcanoes on the planet. Which
will in effect turn all the world
blue and I shall then rule
supreme! ahahahaha

SEC DEF
Hang on, let me just get me
straight what your saying is that
the acronym for your weapon is the
Giant DILDO.

The Sprite looks a tad bemused and takes a second to work
this out on her fingers.

SPRITE
Yes, yes it is for short my "laser
is the giant DILDO. Why?

SEC DEF
Oh erm no reason.

The whole room burst in to hysterics and falls about
laughing.

PRESIDENT
(Giggling) he he he She said
DILDO.

The laughter continues for a few more minutes.

36.

CHIEF STAFF
So, in effect what your saying is
that your going to take your giant
DILDO and insert it in to a crack
in the earth?

SPRITE
Yes indeed that was the scheme I
just outlined to you.

The room burst in to uncontrollable laughter once again.

SPRITE
Oh go ahead you laugh away, you
laughy laughers. But I assure you
it is I who shall have the last
laugh and then I shall laugh
loudest. Sprite out, peace out
losers.

With that the video screen goes blank and the cabinet
members are left with only their laughter.

CHIEF STAFF
Was she for real?

SEC DEF
I think so.

PRESIDENT
Ok well we are on our own fo this
one then, so general ready your
armies. Were going to war.

SEC DEF
No were not.

PRESIDENT
No war? What not even a little
one.

CHIEF STAFF
Nope no wars, Disregard what he
said General.

GENERAL
Already have.

CHIEF STAFF
No all we need to do is track down
this Sprite, so get out best
computer nerds on in and find out
where that computer signal was
(MORE)

37.

CHIEF STAFF (cont'd)
coming from. Should we manage that
all we then need is some skilled
decorators to repaint this place
and then were sorted. Ok?

The gathered group dissipates all off in various directions
to try and track down the villian and save the nation.
Finally everyone is gone and the President is left on his
own.

PRESIDENT
Hmmm

Picks up the official phone.

PRESIDENT
Think I'll see if the
Vice-President fancies golf.

INT. CLERKE SURREY'S APARTMENT - DAY

Clerke is in his apartment fixing the door out on to his
balcony, on the floor by the door lies a rubbish bag filled
whith white clothing. In the corner of the room the
television is on displaying the days news.

NEWS WOMAN
(From Television)
Today's top story is the
desecration of five more historic
American Landmarks, taking the
total now to seventeen. This video
was earlier accidentally released
from the whitehouse and has begun
to spread panic accross most of
America as soon the entire country
shall be under the control of the
demonic Sprite.

The news then shows the video of the Sprite earlier talking
to the White House officials.

Having heard enough, Clerke uses his powers to lift the
remote off the table, once evelvated he slams the remote
hard against the on power button on the TV so that it turns
off.

38.

CLERKE
This should teach them a valuable
lesson.

The door then bursts open and in rushes a panic stricken
Lewis.

CLERKE
Have you never heard of knocking?

LEWIS
(Panting) Have you never heard of
locking the door?

CLERKE
Touche, Anyway what can I do you
for Lewis?

LEWIS
You what? Have you not been
watching the news?

Clerke looks around cautiously, suddenly very aware that his
Battyman suit is right beside Lewis.

CLERKE
Erm.....No I haven't and there's
nothing in that bag down there.

LEWIS
Oh dear, you are slacking a writer
who's not up to date with current
affairs. Tut tut Clerke. Anyway
basically the world is about to be
overthrown by this evil Sprite
woman thing. So we must get off
the planet quick.

CLERKE
Off the planet?? Well if you like
we could go to Mars, it's supposed
to be nice this time of year.

LEWIS
Clerke this is no time for your
sarcasm, we must act quick. I know
we can convince Battyman to work
again and he will save us. Also
what bag.

Lewis bends down, picks up the bag nearest the door and has
a good rummage through it.

39.

CLERKE
Oh that, it's nothing really just
a crappy Battyman costume I rented
for erm Halloween once. I'm
actually taking it back to the
costume store right now.

LEWIS
Wow Clerke, this is really nice.
Are you sure it's a costume?

CLERKE
What do you mean? Of course I'm
sure I rented it myself from the
rent a costume store.

LEWIS
What I mean is I think you have
unwittingly stumbled accross a
genuine Battyman suit, that has
somehow ended up at a costume
store. I mean it even smells like
him.

Lewis lifts the costume to his nose and gives it a good long
sniff.

CLERKE
It even smells like him?? You what
how do you even know what Battyman
smells like?

Clerks rage soon turns to fear as he realises he could be in
danger of being rumbled here.

LEWIS
Oh well it's just that Battyman
has this great aroma that goes
along with his aura, it't totally
different to the smell of your
average human, he's just so camp
and yet so masculine at the same
time.

CLERKE
So he er smells different to me
then?

LEWIS
Well of course he does Clerke, I
mean although your my hero your no
superhero are you?

40.

CLERKE
Yeah your probably right.

LEWIS
Of course I am Clerke, anyway I'm
going to get some sniffer dogs and
give them the scent from this suit
see if we can't hunt down
Battyman. Because the world needs
him. Promise me Clerke if you see
him be sure to tell him that the
world needs him bad.

CLERKE
Sure will, I promise.

Lewis walks back out the door still sniffing the suit,
closing it behind him. Clerke is then left all alone with
only his thoughts, so he grabs a beer from the fridge lights
up a cigarette and ponders just what do to.

CLERKE
Hmm I wonder what I should do.

EXT. MOUNT RUSHMORE - NIGHT

We are taken to Mount Rushmore which is now the only
remaining Landmark yet to be turned Blue and is also the key
to the Blue Sprite taking control of the USA, the several
presidents are heavily surrounded by dozens of armed men.

SECRET SERVICE CHIEF
Ok everyone, gather round please
all of you, yes even you up there
come down here right away.

The secret service chiefs waits around patiently as all his
men assemble on the floor infront of him, all sat
attentively witht their legs crossed and arms folded.

SECRET SERVICE CHIEF
Ok, thank you everyone. I shall
now clarlfy to those of you who
don't know exactly what it is we
are doing here. As you may well of
heard the Blue Sprite is acting
against America and is
transforming all our prideful
monument Blue, so as she can take
control of our beloved country. We
cannot let this happpen, Mount
Rushmore is the last remaining
monument and so we must guard it
(MORE)

41.

SECRET SERVICE CHIEF (cont'd)
to the very end. We are here
instead of the Army because they
are all Ex-Presidents and
therefore we the secret service
have jurisdiction. So lets go team
back to your positions we have a
monument to protect.

The whole team suddenly looks very inspired as they all jump
to their feet and cheer and make odd grunting noises.

SFX ODD GRUNTING
NOISES

SECRET SERVICE MAN
Erm Chief.

SECRET SERVICE CHIEF
Yes, what is it?

SECRET SERVICE MAN
Well erm yeah I think that whilst
you were talking it kind of
happened.

SECRET SERVICE CHIEF
What did? What happened, what on
earth are you on about?

The Chief spins about quickly so that he is now facing the
monument.

SECRET SERVICE CHIEF
Someone quick shine a spotlight on
the monument.

A bright spotlight shines upon the faces to reveal, much to
everyones horror that the entire Mount Rushmore was now a
very fetching blue.

SECRET SERVICE CHIEF
Oh dear Lord.

The light shines up to the top to reveal the Blue Sprite
perched upon the nose of President Lincoln holding in her
hand a giant blue Magic Marker.

SPRITE
Ahahahahahah

42.

SPRITE
Not the first time Secret Service
have failed Lincoln is it??

The sprite then glides down and sets down on the floor next
to the gathered and stunned secret service team.

SECRET SERVICE CHIEF
Good god woman, did you just
colour in the entire Mount
Rushmore using a Magic Marker?

SPRITE
Ahahah No.

SECRET SERVICE MAN
Oh! So why the pen then?

SPRITE
Yeah no I just love the look on
people's faces when they think
that I did, it's priceless. Plus I
like to draw on people.

She turns to face the Secret Service boss.

SPRITE
May I draw on you?

SECRET SERVICE CHIEF
Would you? Please I would be
honoured.

The sprite removes the lid of the pen and colours in the
forehead of the Chief, she also draws on glasses and a fake
moustache.

SPRITE
Haha you look rediculous.

SECRET SERVICE CHIEF
Why thank you!

The chief shakes his head suddnely aware of what is going
on.

SECRET SERVICE CHIEF
Why did I just let you do that?
Now I look rediculous.

43.

SPRITE
Ahah now you can see why I did
what I did, as from now every
feeble human mind in America can
now be controlled by me, I can
make anyone do anything I want.

SECRET SERVICE MAN
Oh no.

With that the Sprite rises up in to the air and hovers above
the group of agents.

SPRITE
Well guys this has been fun, we
should certainly do this again
sometime. Anyhow I must now love
you and leave you as I am sure you
can understand I have a busy few
days ahead of me if I am to
complet my tekover of the world.

They all nod in agreement.

SPRITE
Well you guy's were sent here to
guard the monument and I think
it's safe to say that you blew it!
Ahahaha, see what I did there?
Blew it, blue. Ahaha I'm soo
funny.

The Sprite looks down, nobody is laughing. She stares at
them all menacingly until suddnely they all fall about
themselves laughing. Happy with her nights work the Blue
Sprite smiles to herself before gliding off in to the night
sky.

INT. PRESIDENTIAL EMERGENCY OPERATIONS CENTER - DAY

NAR
Having witnessed the fall of Mount
Rushmore, the last remaining
monumental stronghold. The Secret
Service though it pertinent to
move the president down to the
Emergency Operations Center. The
bunker could withstand several
nuclear blasts, had food and water
to last up to three years along
with an miniture arcade, bowling
alley, driving range and day spa.
They were down there so that
(MORE)

44.

NAR (cont'd)
should America be obliterrated
they would survive to rebuild the
country from the rubble and also I
assume re-populate, which does
make you have a degree of sympathy
for Ms Rice.

All the top Cabinet members are assebled in the conference
room, discussing their various options and strategies. The
seat at the head of the table designated to the President is
vacant and he is nowhere to be seen. However computer game
noises can be heard coming from the next room.

SFX COMPUTER
SHOOTING NOISES.

PRESIDENT
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

The Chief of Staff gets up and pushes the door to so that
they are not interrupted by the noises coming from next
door.

CHIEF STAFF
So then it is decided? This is the
plan we are going to go with.

SEC DEF
Well we have to really, it's our
only option

CHIEF STAFF
(Sighs) Yeah I suppose your right,
we have our backs in a corner now
and we can't let America; the
world'd most powerful nation. Be
responsible for the the end of
time, that would not do our
reputation any good at all.

GENERAL
Never thought I'd live to see the
day that America would have to
rescued by a queer.

SPRITE
Who says you ever will?

45.

The Blue Sprite bursts through the door with a baseball bat
and cracks the General right in the Balls, the General
grasps his nether regions and falls to the floor like a sack
of potatoes.

SPRITE
Taadaa, tis me.

GENERAL
(Groans) Arabian nights that hurt!

SPRITE
Hi guys, what we doing?

SEC DEF
Was that really necessary?

SPRITE
Probably not, but I got one of the
Secret Service guys to pop out and
buy me this earlier so I just had
to try it out. Plus that guys a
butt plug.

SEC DEF
Well that's true he is. Anyway
that't not the point, how did you
get in here?

SPRITE
I can control people's minds! duh

SEC DEF
So you can,that must be pretty
useful really.

SPRITE
Wait a minute, an empty chair!
That just doesn't happen round
here.

The Sprite looks round and counts the members on her hands.

SPRITE
Hang on, where's the President?

CHIEF STAFF
Oh him, he's next door playing
Time Crisis keeps him out of
mischief.

46.

SPRITE
Aha good thinking, I like it.

SEC STATE
Thanks, the arcade was my idea.

SPRITE
Anyway.

The Blue Sprite then jumps up on to the table so that
everyone can see her very clearly, she now has a big blue
whip in her hand as she paces up and down the big shiny
table.

SPRITE
Anyway fun and games aside I am
here on a rather serious note. I
am aware of what you dirty little
people are trying to do and I'm
here to tell you that I just won't
let it happen. Battyman is not
going to return to the fray, he is
out of the game and he is not
coming back.

CHIEF STAFF
And how do you propose to stop us?

SPRITE
Mind control, remember?

SEC DEF
Ahah, then you quite obviously
haven't worked out just what we
were up to then have you?

SPRITE
Why, whare are you on about? Tell
mee.

The sprite uses her mind control powers to seize the
Secretary of Defenses' mind and make him explain the plot to
her.

GENERAL
Well you can control our minds and
make us do whatever you want, you
have that right. However what you
didn't bargain on was us having a
secret weapon. We have a man who
does not actually have a mind of
his own, thus meaning that you
(MORE)

47.

GENERAL (cont'd)
cannot control him.

SPRITE
Oh yeah and who would that be?

As she says this the door swings open and in walks the
President, he has a big grin on his face and looks pretty
pleased with himself.

PRESIDENT
Hey guys, I just did that press
statement thing you asked me to do
earlier. I did it all by myself
too.

SPRITE
What statement?

The camera zooms in close on the Presidents face, he gazes
up at the ceiling in a daze as though he's reminising about
something. The scene then washes out and we are taken back
to the earlier press release.

INT. MAKESHIFT PRESS CONFERENCE - DAY

The scene opens with the President Stood at a small podium,
he is dresses as an angel complete with wings, all the
gathered press members are huddled in front of the podium
sat cross legged on the floor. All the Secret service
members are dressed only in swimming trunks and sandals and
behind the podium and near the feet of the president several
goats and sheep are happily chewing away at the grass and
frolicing around. He then opens his mouth and begins to
read.

PRESIDENT
Good day Planet Earth, we are
gathered here today because the
Planet is in crisis, our country
of America has been attacked and
taken control of by the one they
call the Blue Sprite. As a result
of this we are unable to go to
war, thus meaning that we just
don't know how to act. Which
leaves me with no choice but to
say this: Battyman we know you are
out there somewhere and it has
taken our impending doom for us to
realise just how much we need you.
(MORE)

48.

PRESIDENT (cont'd)
You once were happy to call
yourself Earth's saviour we would
love for you to do so again, the
way we have treated you has been
scandalous and for that we are
truly sorry. If you can find it in
your heart, your big gay heart to
forgive us then can you please
bail us out here and save the
world. We need you Battyman.

INT. PRESIDENTIAL EMERGENCY OPERATIONS CENTER - DAY

The Presidents recollection/flashback finishes and we return
to the conference room, with all the officials sat round
listening intently to what the President had to say.

PRESIDENT
I wonder where they keep their
guns?

CHIEF STAFF
It didn't happen quite like that,
did it Mr President?

PRESIDENT
Well there may have been a few
less sheep.

CHIEF STAFF
See what we have to put up with.

The Blue Sprite glares at the President and tries to use her
mind control powers on him, but nothing happens.

SPRITE
Idiot, go and sit down.

PRESIDENT
Oh, ok.

Following the given orders, the President takes him seat,
sits down and then proceeds to play with the knobs on the
chair.

CHIEF STAFF
See, no mind of his own.

49.

SPRITE
Hmm, touche well you win this
round fellas. But the ball is
still very much in my court and
rest assured the world shall still
be mine, not even that cricket
bender can stop me now. Muhahahaha

SPRITE
OK now everyone sleep.

The group all then suddenly fall asleep, each on of them
dozing off and hitting the table hard.

SPRITE
Gotta love mind control.

With that the Sprite gathers her things and creeps slowly
out of the room, taking care to shut the door very carefully
behind her.

INT. CLERKE SURREYS APARTMENT - DAY

Clerke is stood in the living room of his apartment, in his
hand he holds a remote control, on the television is a
recording of the Presidents statement from earlier. He
continually plays the same part over and over again.

PRESIDENT
Battyman we need you!

He rewinds it and plays it again.

PRESIDENT
Battyman we need you!

BATTY
What should I do? I mean the world
needs me, they're in quite a
pickle. But I mean those days are
behind me now, I'm just not sure I
can go back to that.

NAR
Battyman was now faced with quite
a dilemma, in fact possibly the
hardest decision of his life. Even
tougher than the time he was on
deal or no deal. However what he
was not taking in to account was
the fact that were the world to be
(MORE)

50.

NAR (cont'd)
overrun by the Blue Sprite, he and
her would be the only too free
thinking individuals left on the
planet. So he must decide, either
he saves the world or live in
eternity with the Blue Sprite.
Failing that he could always live
on another planet but that could
get kind of lonely.

BATTY
Golly gosh, he's right if I don't
save the world I will have even
bigger problems than I do now.
Plus if I do Planet Earth shall be
forever indebted to me. Well then
its decided I shall put a stop to
all this blue nonsense and save
the World.

SFX CHEERING

BATTY
Hmm, that was odd. Aw and
goddamit, I knew I should of kept
atleast one of my costumes. Blast
where am I going to find one now.

NAR
Wal Marts still open.

BATTY
Is it? Are you sure? I mean its
not that I don't trust you but I
hate when you get all excited and
go to a store only to get there
and discover that it's closed.

NAR
Yeah it's open, I'm positive.

BATTY
As long as your sure. Well looks
like a flying trip to Wal Mart
then! Get it, a flying trip I'll
be flying.

NAR
Yeah, I get it erm very good.

The two share a short chuckle before Battyman takes off in
search of new cricket whites.

51.

NAR
Ah, that guy is not funny.

EXT. WAL MART CAR PARK - DAY

We are now in Wal Mart car park, outside the store a man in
a big coat and hat is handing out flyers to the shoppers
walking past. Clerke walks out of the shop pushing a trolley
filled with cricket whites.

CLERKE
Wow, who could ever resis the
bargains at that place?

LEWIS
(To bystander) Please help me find
this man, for all of us babe.

Lewis hands a flyer to the clearly disinterested man, who
humours him for a moment before walking off in the direction
of the shop.

LEWIS
Aw this is hopeless.

As Clerke approaches he is hit with the sudden realisation
that the man with the flyers is indeed Lewis, he tries to
hide his face behind his tie as he walks past.

LEWIS
Excuse me sir. Oh Clerke its you
thank god.

Lewis leaps on Clerke giving him a giant hug and a kiss,
people walking past look on in disgust. One man walking by
throws a shoe wich hits Lewis in the head sending him
tumbling to the floor.

SHOPPER
Get a room homo's.

CLERKE
Who throws a shoe?

LEWIS
Aarrrgh it hurts, it's a deep
burn.

CLERKE
I know but really it's a shoe, who
throws a shoe. I mean did he carry
it around with him just incase he
(MORE)

52.

CLERKE (cont'd)
needed to throw it at someone? Or
is he now walking about with just
one shoe on?

LEWIS
What does it matter Clerke? It hit
me not you. Now help me up

Clerke bends over and picks up Lewis with ease.

LEWIS
Wow Clerke, have you been working
out?

CLERKE
Yes I have!

LEWIS
Oh ok, well anyway now that your
here you can help me look for
Battyman. It'll be easier if we
team up.

CLERKE
No sorry Lewis I can't, I erm have
somethhing more important to do.

LEWIS
More important?? What on earth is
more important than saving the
world Clerke? By the by what's in
the trolley?