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by Kyle Paffhausen (kp51_us@hotmail.com)
Rated: 
Genre: Comedy
User Review:  
Looking for possible thoughts on how to extend it to sitcom length. Would love to include some backstory, work scenarios and romantic interests, but need a good transition. Would love thoughts on language usage and other items.
This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.
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FADE IN:
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INT. CHRIS' BASEMENT - DAY |
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KYLE, early 20s, wakes to the scene of a disaster. Clothes
strewn about, food containers and what could loosely be
described as a bed decorates the bedroom ridden with
childish remnants. He slowly walks out of his bedroom, risen
from a night's sleep, to see NICK, same age, eating
breakfast watching TV. |
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KYLE
What are you doing up so early? |
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NICK
Well Good Morning sunshine! How
are we today? |
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KYLE
Peachy, just peachy. |
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CHRIS (OS)
(singing)
Head games, it's you and me baby,
Head games, and I can't take it
anymore! |
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As Kyle slowly ambles up the stairs, he glances to the
kitchen to see CHRIS, a shaggy redhead of the same age,
still singing and dancing while cooking breakfast in his
boxers. His headache worsens. |
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CHRIS
(holding a fry pan)
Well hello there, Sally. Whats
shakin? |
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KYLE
Well, Jesus. Apparently your sack
man. What are the odds of you
putting on some pants? |
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2.
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CHRIS
Slim. You know I enjoy exercising
my right as a man to swing my unit
however I please. |
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KYLE
Nothing anywhere gives you the
"right as a man" to place your
Johnson all over the damn kitchen.
As a matter of fact, I would say
standard male code implies you
cover up your junk in front of
another male.
(Fakes opening a
book and reading
a line)
Oh look, right here. Thou shalt
not place one's dick anywhere near
the food area, ESPECIALLY in the
presence of another male. |
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CHRIS
Whatever you say, cap. Breakfast
is up. Bacon, sausage and toast. |
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KYLE
Then why is Nick eating cereal? |
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CHRIS
Who knows. Saving the animals or
some shit, I guess.
(flips off the
basement)
SAVE THIS! |
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KYLE
(turning around)
YEAH! Chew on that one, hippie!
(beat)
Wait, why are you yelling? |
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CHRIS
So where'd you end up last night?
Didn't see you when we left. |
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KYLE
Me and uh...Jackie-- |
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CHRIS
(clears throat)
Who is this "me and Jackie?" Or
are you speaking about, of course,
Jackie and I? |
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3.
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KYLE
You know. If there wasn't a large
wall that we will hypothetically
call "my headache" standing in the
way right now, I would literally
jump over this counter and locate
what is left of your satchel with
my fist. Know that. |
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CHRIS
Pfffft. The odds of you catching
me to punch me are slightly worse
than the odds that anyone will
ever care about the WNBA. I'm
exactly like a cat. True story. |
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KYLE
(eating breakfast)
Anyway. We went back to Jackie's
place for a while until she fell
asleep. Then I jumped ship and
ended here. Story of my life. |
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CHRIS
See, I've always had this theory,
OK. It consists of trying to get
sober women, whom prefer to stay
awake during sex, as opposed to
drunk ones, who tend more to pass
out and vomit all over the place. |
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KYLE
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just because you
had one bad experience does not
mean every guy should live in fear
of picking up drunk chicks at
bars. Maybe if you didn't jam
shots down their...
(distracted, looks
at CHRIS)
Chris, What in the fuck are you
doing? |
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CHRIS
(looks up,
touching his
nipple.)
What? Hey, does this look
irritated to you? |
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Kyle gets up with his food and begins to walk downstairs. |
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4.
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CHRIS
What? It's a simple question. |
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KYLE
One that does not deserve any
response, I say. |
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Nick is heard laughing and chuckling over the sound of the
TV. Kyle walks to the chair and falls into the back. Nick is
to his right, finishing eating, watching cartoons. |
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KYLE
Are you serious right now? |
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KYLE
Are you fucking eight? This is a
show meant for your little sister.
Can't we watch Sportscenter or
something? |
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Nick takes the remote and begins to take the batteries out
of the remote. |
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NICK
You want Sportscenter? Here you
go. |
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He turns the channel to Lifetime and throws the remote on
Kyle's lap. |
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KYLE
Oh you son of a bitch. What am I
supposed to watch here? |
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NICK
(walking away)
Well there is an Oprah rerun, a TV
movie about women's empowerment,
something I know you are
passionate about...or there's
always your hand on your dick.
(beat)
HAYO! |
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5.
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KYLE
Hey, by the way. What's up with
the "no meat" thing? You saving
the world again? |
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NICK
As much as I can, man. As much as
I can. Animals are part of this
world too, you know. |
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KYLE
Yeah, if you say so Mary. If they
can't talk to me, I can eat them. |
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NICK
Oh, so mutes, too? You want to eat
a mute because they can't talk to
you? |
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KYLE
(turning back to
the TV)
Survival of the fittest, my man,
survival of the fittest. |
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NICK
You...
(beat)
You are probably the worst person
I've met. |
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KYLE
This coming from the kid who
strives to look like he hasn't
showered in months.
(yelling to noone
in particular)
FIVE BUCKS SAYS THE HOMELESS
VEGAN DOESN'T LAST A WEEK! |
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CHRIS
(yelling from
upstairs)
I'LL TAKE THAT! |
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KYLE
You know what you look like? A
slightly gayer Kenny G. |
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NICK (OS)
Fuck both of you. I'm taking a
shower |
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6.
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KYLE
First one in what, a week? Good
luck in there late Kurt Cobain.
You make me sick. Seriously, you
probably look like a South
American rainforest with a worse
odor and minus the cool animals. |
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Kyle walks upstairs with his empty plate and begins washing
it off as Chris reads the paper. |
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KYLE
Hey man, question for ya. |
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KYLE
Wheeeeeeeen did you notice...
(beat)
your erotic fascination with other
men? |
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CHRIS
Oh, I don't know. About the same
time I walked in on you bobbing
for apples in a guy's lap. |
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KYLE
Yeah, well.
(beat)
damnit. |
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Kyle walks to a whiteboard on the refrigerator that appears
to be some sort of chart. He takes the marker and under the
column heading "Chris," puts a single tally, signifying his
point in some sort of contest. He goes and leans against the
counter, defeated. |
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KYLE
So what's on tap for today? |
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CHRIS
I'll tell you what, I need to
crank one out here after
breakfast. After that the day is
free. |
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7.
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KYLE
You don't give a warning about
buttering the corn. It's just not
cool. |
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CHRIS
Bullshit. That is fair game
anywhere. |
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KYLE
Anywhere? I find that hard to
believe. Anywhere is a large
locale, my friend. Let's go ask
Nick. |
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Chris and Kyle walk downstairs. Chris knocks on the bathroom
door impatiently. |
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CHRIS
NICK! NICK! Got a dispute that
needs to be settled. |
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NICK (OS)
I'm trying to take a shower here.
Can't this sure-to-be life
changing emergency wait? |
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KYLE
Absolutely not. Get your skinny
ass out here. |
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The shower turns off and Nick appears at the door in nothing
but his towel. |
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NICK
What the hell do you want? |
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CHRIS
Question. Is it OK to tell another
man about plans to grease your
pole? |
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NICK
(turns around)
You have got to be shitting me. |
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Nick slams the door and the shower turns back on. |
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8.
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KYLE
HEY! AN ANSWER PLEASE!
(looks to Chris)
Unbelievable. So difficult to deal
with, this guy. |
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CHRIS
I know. And such a simple
question, you know. |
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The door reopens, shower still running, and Nick pokes his
head out, touching his nipple. |
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NICK
Hey, does this look irritated to
you? |
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Kyle begins to walk away, ignoring the question. |
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NICK
What? It's just a question. |
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CHRIS
(also walking
upstairs)
We'll be waiting, so hurry the
hell up. |
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NICK (OS)
You know I will. |
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INT. CHRIS' HOUSE - DAY |
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A few hours later, Chris, Nick and Kyle sit upstairs,
boringly flipping through TV channels as if waiting for
something to happen. |
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CHRIS
Let me ask you something.
(pause)
When is it OK for a guy to shave
the ole man purse? |
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KYLE
Oh come on man, why does this have
to come up? Why now? |
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9.
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CHRIS
I think this is a question on a
lot of guy's minds. |
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NICK
No. No it's not. I have never
asked myself when it would be
acceptable to shave my better
half. I just do it. |
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KYLE
Wait. What? Did you just say you
shave yourself? |
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CHRIS
Ooooh, good. Now I can get some
answers. Question. Does it hurt? |
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KYLE
Hang on, let me get this straight.
He says he shaves himself and the
best question your mind can
formulate is if it hurts? I got a
better question, why are we even
talking about this? |
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NICK
Hey, all I know is the ladies love
it. |
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KYLE
Oh yeah, the ladies. If by ladies,
you mean that one girl who passed
out in your lap but you counted as
a blowjob, then let's go find her
and ask her if she enjoyed it as
much as you. I am certain she will
be thrilled she was counted as a
sexual escapade of yours. |
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CHRIS
Hey, its no worse than about 90
percent of the women I've seen
leave your room with nothing but a
frown on their face, running like
a Kenyan in a 5k. |
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KYLE
Oh now that is not fair. First of
all, I think everyone would agree
the Kenyans are clearly losing
their dominance in distance races
around the world. Second, all of
the women have jobs and would be
(MORE)
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KYLE (cont'd)
counted as upwardly mobile
individuals, unlike someone we
know. |
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CHRIS
Alright everyone hang on. Back to
the fruit basket. OK to shave or
not? |
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KYLE
Dude, I don't care if you wanna
chrome polish your sack and paint
messages on there as long as you
don't leave your "remnants" all
over the floor. Next thing you
know people will think we were
sacrificing a Siberian tiger in
there. |
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CHRIS
Nice one. A jab about the red
hair. Those are rare man, and I am
glad you rose above that. |
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KYLE
You know what, you're welcome. I
know that is a contentious point
for you. |
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A few moments of silence pass as they continue to watch TV. |
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CHRIS
So seriously? Not OK to talk about
my man functions? |
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KYLE
Let it go man. It's over.
(shaking his head)
And did you just say "man
functions" out loud? |
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CHRIS
Yes. Yes I did. I think that is a
proper term for discussing those
types of things. Is that alright
with the council? |
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KYLE
Those types of things? Please
Chris, enlighten us. What other
things are involved in this
mythical category of yours, "man
(MORE)
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11.
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KYLE (cont'd)
functions?" |
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CHRIS
Well, for starters, going number 1
and 2. And not only that- |
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KYLE
(interrupting)
Wait, wait wait. Going number 1
and 2 are qualified as "man
functions?" Women don't do either
of those? |
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CHRIS
(shrugging)
I've never seen it or heard them
talk about it. Until then... |
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NICK
(nodding)
That's true. I'm with him. |
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KYLE
I can't believe this conversation
right now. So you're telling me
that- No, eff it, I'm not even
going further with this. |
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Kyle gets up and walks to door and SLAMS it shut as he walks
out. |
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CHRIS
Unbelievable. So difficult to deal
with, this guy. |
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NICK
I know, I know. And such a simple
conversation. He just goes off. |
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CHRIS
(nodding in
agreement)
I know it. |
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12.
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INT. KYLE'S CAR - DAY |
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KYLE
(muttering)
Bunch of morons...Cannot believe I
have to live with them. |
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His phone rings, startling him and making him jump. He
answers the phone. |
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KYLE
(on the phone)
What do you need?
(beat)
No, I am not going to pick you up
Taco Bell, you dicks.
(beat)
What the hell, are you serious
right now? No. No no. Dicks. |
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He shuts his phone, more angry than ever. |
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Chris closing his phone, still sitting next to Nick. |
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CHRIS
What the hell? He said no. |
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NICK
Are you kidding me? What is his
problem now? Jesus, its just some
food. |
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CHRIS
Hey, you wanna watch a UFO Hunters
marathon? Goes till 7 o'clock. |
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NICK
What kind of question is that? Of
course I wanna watch a UFO Hunters
marathon. Fire that damn thing up! |
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The two lean back in chairs, relaxed for the coming show. |
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INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY |
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Kyle walks down an aisle, glancing to both sides for items
to add to his small shopping cart. |
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THE END |
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| Feedback |
| From David Kiser |
Date 3/4/2008 |
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| this is good! i really enjoyed reading it. The dialogue is very funny, this needs to be filmed. |
| From Fish Stark |
Date 3/2/2008 |
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| Funny. Good characters. Nice dialogue. Took away half a star becuase it was a little hard to understand what was going on....but overall great. This might make a good sitcom...you should just fill your reader in a little more, otherwise everything is great. I can't wait to see more of your work in the near future. |
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