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by Michael Murtha (michael.murtha@gmail.com)

Rated:

Genre: Comedy User Review: NOT YET
RATED

FADE IN:

EXT. TITUS' HOUSE - NIGHT

A beaten up old Buick pulls up in front of a suburban house.
A man in his early twenties, Titus, steps out. He is young,
goateed, slightly disheveled looking in his faded, baggy
jeans and Abbey Road shirt. He takes one last drag on a
cigarette, throws it to the ground, and, in obvious anger,
kicks his tires.

TITUS
(angry)
Fuck!

Titus slams his car door close. He turns and addresses the
camera.

TITUS
Okay. Can anybody explain to me
how in the span of less than
twenty-four hours I can go from
THIS:

CUT TO:

INT. CONCERT - NIGHT

Titus and a girl are making out with gusto.

EXT. TITUS' HOUSE - NIGHT

TITUS
To THIS:

CUT TO:

INT. TITUS' CAR - NIGHT

This is Titus' (ex?) girlfriend, Marrisa. She is brunette,
very pretty, and seemingly out of a dirtbag like Titus'
league.

MARISSA
(angry)
Fuck you, asshole!

Marissa storms angrily out of the car.

EXT. TITUS' HOUSE - NIGHT

Back to Titus. He is standing at his front door, fidgeting
with his keys.

TITUS
I mean, I'll admit that I'm not
exactly the greatest boyfriend in
the world.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Titus and Marissa are laying him bed, each holding a
cigarette, obviously having just finished having sex and
basking in the afterglow.

MARISSA
Could that possibly have been as
good for you as it was for me?

TITUS
(nonchalant)
Meh.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

A shot of a sofa. Titus walks into frame, sits down, and
lights a cigarette.

TITUS
I'll be frank: I'm an asshole. A
big one. I laughed when Bambi's
mother was shot, I fell asleep
during Schindler's List, I spilled
a bottle of wine all over the
(MORE)

TITUS (cont'd)
bride at a wedding reception, but
FUCK man, I'm still a decent
enough guy? Right?

Suddenly, a blinding light shines on Titus. Heavenly music
plays. Titus looks to the sky, and a booming voice speaks to
him.

DOUG (V.O.)
TITUS O'DONNELL...I COME TO YOU TO
BEAR WITNESS TO...oh...wait a
sec...no no no...oh shit...shit
shit shit shit SHIIIIIIIIIIT!!!

Titus' eyes move from the sky quickly towards the floor. A
loud crash shakes the room. The camera pulls back to reveal
a dude dressed all in white, Doug, getting up off the floor.
The white outfit seems to imply he is some sort of heavenly
messenger, but the Chuck Taylors and fro seem don't seem to
go with the angelic garb.

DOUG
Shit. First I inadvertently start
the Napoleonic Wars, not THIS.

TITUS STANDS BY, FLABBERGASTED.

Titus stands by, flabbergasted.

DOUG
What's the matter? You never seen
an angel before?

TITUS
(frightened)
Are you...my...guardian angel?

DOUG
Kinda sorta. The name is Doug.

TITUS
Doug? I thought that angels had
names like Gabriel and Michael and
shit.

DOUG
Yeah, well, when God was handing
out names to his legions, I was
watching Adam and Eve make it in
the Garden. The G-Man got pissed
and made me choose between being
known for all eternity as Doug or
Emilio. Shit, if I'd known how
cool Emilio Estevez would become,
I'd chosen that.

TITUS
Oh yeah, nothing says "cool" like
Coach Gordon Bombay himself.

DOUG
Bitch, have you SEEN Loaded
Weapon?

TITUS
Isn't that the one where we get to
see Emilio's oiled up bare ass?

DOUG
So?

TITUS
Great, my guardian angel is a
homo.

DOUG
There are two things wrong with
that statement: First, I'm
aesexual, so, technically, I'm
neither straight. Secondly, are
you so homophobic that you can't
like a movie because of a little
bit of manss?

TITUS
No, I liked Ace Ventura, and Jim
Carrey shows his ass in that.

DOUG
So what are you saying? You like
the manass?

TITUS
Fuck, no. I like it because it's a
funny movie. I'd like Jim Carrey
even if he wasn't in Ace Ventura,
because he was great in the Cable
Guy and the Truman Show.

DOUG
See what I mean?

TITUS
But you're basing your admiration
off of Emilio off a movie where he
shows off his ass! You never
mentioned anything else he's done,
like Men at Work or D2.

DOUG
You're being so...wait a second,
why in the blue hell am I arguing
with you over the merits of Emilio
and his ass? I didn't come here to
be the butt of gay jokes, I came
here to stop you from making a
mistake that could potentially and
irrevocably alter your life in the
most adverse of ways.

TITUS
Huh?

Doug smacks Titus upside the head.

DOUG
Idiot. Your girlfriend, Marissa.
The fine young thing you just had
an argument with, culminating in
her storming out of your car after
dumping you.

TITUS
(emphatic)
I dumped HER, dicknut.

DOUG
I'm an angel. I see everything,
shrimpy-dick.

TITUS
Shrimpy-dick?

DOUG
Hey, I'm from heaven. We don't get
HBO, so I don't get to learn all
the fun swear words and insults
like you guys do. We've got the
basics though, shitstain.

TITUS
Weak. Try motherless fuck next
time.

DOUG
Hmm, crude, but not without it's
charm. I'll file that one away.

TITUS
No problem.

DOUG
Now can we get back to business
here? I'm trying to become a
guardian angel.

TITUS
Wait, you said you we're my
guardian angel.

DOUG
No, I didn't. I said, "kinda
sorta". Look at the script, YOU
called me that.

Titus pulls out and begins leafing through the script.

TITUS
Let's see...bullshit, bullshit, my
line, bullshit, my line...hmm,
damn, you're right.

Titus drops the script.

TITUS
So you're NOT my guardian angel?

DOUG
No. Your guardian anel is named
Ezekiel. The G-Man is letting me
handle this for him. You see, I
was originally created to be an
Angel of Death. But I misheard the
Boss when he gave me the job. I
accidentlly gave Napthali of
Jericho about a hundred thousand
shekels.

TITUS
What'd you do that for?

DOUG
I thought He said, "Angel of
Debt". So then He wanted me to
become a Herald. I was supposed to
announce to Mary that she was
pregnant with the Lord's child.

TITUS
Why didn't you?

DOUG
I was supposed to go on a "trial
run", to tell some chick named
Ruth over in Samaria she was
pregnant. But the night before I
got roped into checking out one of
those orgies over in Rome. Oh man,
they had this great wine, it was
like two dollars a
bottle...anyway, I'm on about two
hours of sleep and I'm really
tired and irritable. So I get to
this chick's house, and instead of
the whole, "Hark, I say unto thee"
yadda yadda yadda, I say, "Yo,
bitch. You knocked up." Needless
to say, God is PISSED. I get
(MORE)

DOUG (cont'd)
called into his office, and he's
all, "I give you the simplest
friggin' job and you STILL mess it
up, Me-Dammit!" So now I have this
delightful gig of babysitting a
mortal. And I can't screw it up,
or else I face eternal
punishment...

TITUS
Hell?

DOUG
Worse: data entry.

TITUS
Ouch.

DOUG
Yeah.

TITUS
So heaven is run like a
corporation?

DOUG
Pretty much, but we swiped the
idea to run it that way from Hell.
They go it from Microsoft.

TITUS
Neat. My own personal Clarence.

DOUG
Clarence?

TITUS
From It's A Wonderful Life.

DOUG
Oh, they got it all wrong.

TITUS
How so?

DOUG
I've got my wings. They're
retractable.

TITUS
Yeah, right. You don't have any
wings.

DOUG
The hell I don't.

TITUS
Bullshit.

            DOUG
      (increasingly
       angry)
Alright, funnyman. You want the
wings? YOU WANT THE FRIGGIN'
WINGS? HERE! HERE'S THE GODDAMMED
WINGS!

The camera zooms in on Titus' astonished face. Feathers and
the sound of flapping wings fill the air, followed by a
crashing sound.

TITUS
Oh, shit! My DVDs!

Titus and Doug go to pick up the DVDs. As they sort through
the mess, Doug finds a DVD that gives him pause. He examines
it, and the camera zooms in on it. It is National Lampoon's
Loaded Weapon 1. Doug throws it at Titus.

DOUG
Fucker.

INT. TITUS' BEDROOM - DAY

Titus is roused by his alarm clock. It is noon. He switches
off the alarm, and sits up in bed.

TITUS
Jeez, what a weird dream.

10.

DOUG (V.O.)
Dream?

Titus screams. The camera pans over to show Doug sitting on
his nightstand.

DOUG
You let out a girly scream like
that and you call ME gay?

TITUS
Oh, Jesus.

Doug bows at the word "Jesus".

TITUS
Wait a second...you have to bow
everytime I say Jesus?

            DOUG
      (exasperated and
       bowing)
Yes...

TITUS
Jesus!

Doug bows again.

TITUS
Jesus!

Another bow.

TITUS
Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!

Bow, bow, bow.

TITUS
Jeepers!

Doug bows again.

TITUS
Gotcha!

11.

Doug smacks Titus upside the head.

TITUS
Okay, you didn't have to hit me!
Jesus!

Doug bows again, then shoots Titus the dirtiest of looks.

DOUG
Now, at least we're getting to the
crux of your problem.

TITUS
Huh?

DOUG
Get dressed. We're going out.

TITUS
Where to?

DOUG
The past. Your past.

TITUS
Awesome. Can I be a fetus? I've
always wanted to be a fetus.

DOUG
Not that far back. Put some pants
on and get dressed. Then come
outside.

TITUS
You know, I've got work in an
hour.

DOUG
Don't worry. You'll be okay. I'll
do that whole time freeze thing,
like the Spectre does.

TITUS
How do you do that?

12.

DOUG
Klaatu, barada, nikto. There.
Done. Pants. Now.

EXT. TITUS' HOUSE - DAY

Titus runs down his front steps. Doug is sitting on the hood
of his car.

DOUG
You ready?

TITUS
I guess so.

DOUG
Good. Drive, Short Round.

INT. TITUS' CAR - DAY

Titus hunkers down in the drivers seat. Doug is next to him,
riding shotgun.

TITUS
Where to, chief?

DOUG
St. Mary's Diocesan High School,
South Amboy, New Jersey.

TITUS
Aw shit, why the hell we gotta go
there for?

DOUG
Just drive, limp dick.

They ride in silence for a few moments. Titus makes a left
turn, then quickly glances out the driver's side window.

TITUS
What the fuck?

13.

DOUG
What?

TITUS
Skip's Deli, it closed like two
years ago. It's a WaWa now. Why is
it back all of a sudden?

DOUG
Because right now is three years
ago.

TITUS
Damn. You're for real, aren't you?

DOUG
Oh, NOW you think I'm for real.
You doubt me when I fall from the
heavens and knock your DVDs over
with my ANGEL WINGS, but I show
you a friggin' sandwhich shop and
now you believe I'm a supernatural
being. Asshat.

EXT. SCHOOL - DAY

Doug and Titus exit the car and walk across the street,
towards the school.

DOUG
Oh, one quick thing before we go
in: DON'T. TOUCH. ANYONE.

TITUS
Why not?

DOUG
Because we're not really here.

TITUS
Okay, you lost me.

DOUG
I'll explain as best I can: yes,
we're here, but no, we're not
(MORE)

14.

DOUG (cont'd)
here. You, physically, are frozen
in time in the present. You are
here, but only your essence. You
are an intangible, and abstract.
Immaterial. You can't be seen, you
can't be heard, but somehow your
presence can be felt, if you get
to close. And you don't want to do
that.

TITUS
Why?

DOUG
Because it would be bad.

TITUS
Could you be a LITTLE more vague,
please?

DOUG
Well, at best you'll startle them.
At worst...

DOUG
Imagine all life as you know it
stopping instantaneously and every
cell in your body exploding and
the speed of light.

TITUS
Come on, spit it out.

They enter the school.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

Titus and Doug enter the main hallway of the school through
the front doors.

TITUS
So has that ever happened? The
every cell exploding thing?

15.

DOUG
More than you might think. It
pretty much takes eons of training
to learn how to make contact with
you mortals without killing you.
It's one of the few things that
I'm good at. Interesting sidenote:
you know who that happened to?

TITUS
No, who?

DOUG
John Denver.

TITUS
I thought he died in a plane
crash?

DOUG
It wasn't the crash that killed
him. His guardian was a rookie. He
just wanted to nudge him, you
know, say, "Hey, you're low on
fuel". KERSPLAT. Now he just files
monthly projections, all day.

TITUS
You're shitting me.

Doug keeps on walking. Titus stops in his tracks.

DOUG
Chew on this: they never found his
head.

Doug keeps on walking. Titus stops in his tracks.

DOUG (V.O.)
Hurry, numbnuts.

CUT TO:

Titus and Doug emerge from a stairwell into another hallway.

16.

TITUS
So when exactly is this?

DOUG
November 19, 2001. The day Marissa
transferred into St. Mary's.

TITUS
Shit, man, why do we have to be
here?

DOUG
Alright, shut up, move aside, and
watch.

Younger Titus emerges from the stairwell. Titus is noticably
different from his modern day self: for starters, he is
clean shaven. More importantly, he doesn't have the air of
sarcasm and distrust which is one of his more prominent
features in the present. He is accompanied by his two best
friends, Trace and Jerry.

JERRY
Oh, Titus, can you give us a ride
to Randy Michaels' party on
Friday?

TITUS
What happened to your car?

JERRY
Trace and I got blindsided getting
off the Turnpike on the way home
from the Devils game the other
night.

TRACE
Yeah, dig this: we're getting off
at 8A, and you know how it splits
off past the toll, and you can
take the left lane into Jamesburg
and the right lane'll take you out
to Route 130?

TITUS
Yeah.

17.

JERRY
Well, we're in the left lane, and
this other dude is in the right
lane, going towards 130. Right
before they split, the son of a
bitch FLIES into our lane, and
sideswipes us. Then he drove off
in his shitty old VW Fox.

TRACE
So now Jerry's car is in the shop
for a bit.

TITUS
That sucks. Yeah, I'll pick youse
guys up. 9 o'clock okay?

JERRY
Sure. Oh, wanna hear a bit more
about our hit-and-run assailant?

TITUS
Yeah, what?

JERRY
They caught the dude about two
miles down the road. The cops
pulled him over, searched his
trunk, and they found Mr. Met's
costume inside. We got hit by Mr.
Met.

TITUS
No fucking way.

TRACE
Guess what they found in that big
giant head of his?

TITUS
Porn?

TRACE
About fifty keys of pure, uncut
cocaine.

18.

TITUS
Shut the hell up!

JERRY
That does explain why he has that
big, goofy smile on his face,
though.

JERRY
And why his eyes don't close.

TITUS
Mr. Met, a drug runner. Where have
all the cowboys gone?

JERRY
Yeah, so tonight I'm...

Titus isn't listening. He is dumbfounded by something he
sees across the hall. Trace notices this.

TRACE
Titus, you okay?

TITUS
Wow.

CUT TO:

Head on shot of Marissa coming down the hall in the opposite
direction. She is carrying her books and examining her
schedule, looking lost, confused, and a bit befuddled. She
tries asking a couple people for directions, but gets
brushed aside. Titus approaches her.

TITUS
(nervously)
You...uh...look a little lost.

MARISSA
Yeah, just a little bit.

TITUS
Where are you trying to go?

19.

MARISSA
My home ec class, room 117.

TITUS
Oh, I have History in 119, that's
right next door. I'll walk you
there, if you'd like.

MARISSA
Could you, please?

TITUS
Sure, right this way.

Titus and Marissa walk past Jerry and Trace.

TITUS
Oh, Trace, Jerry, I'll catch you
guys afterschool!

            JERRY
      (shouting as Titus
       walks away)
Alright, man! Later!

Jerry motions to Trace, and makes the universal dick sucking
hand-and-mouth gesture.

INT. STAIRWELL - DAY

TITUS
So what's your name?

TITUS
Marissa, Marissa Campbell. My dad
works for Ford, we just moved here
from Detroit. He just got
transferred to the plant in
Edison.

20.

TITUS
I'm Titus O'Donnell. I've lived
here all my life. I was born in
New Brunswick, live in Sayreville,
and I'll probably die somewhere
around South River.

MARISSA
Oh, so I guess you know the area
pretty well, huh?

TITUS
Yeah, why?

MARISSA
Well, I was hoping for someone to
show me around, help me get to
know the area.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Titus and Marissa exit the stairwell into another hallway.

TITUS
Oh, umm, sure. When's good for
you?

MARISSA
After school, on Friday?

TITUS
Okay. Hey, my friend Randy's
having a party on Friday night,
you wanna go?

MARISSA
Sure, it's a date!

TITUS
Oh...umm...cool.

They walk for a couple seconds in an awkward (but a HAPPY
awkward, not an AWKWARD awkward) silence.

21.

TITUS
Well, we're here.

MARISSA
Oh, and they say chivilry is dead.

TITUS
Just call me Sir...umm...yeah.

MARISSA
But alas, brave knight, I must
take my leave of you.

TITUS
'Twas a pleasure, m'lady.

Marissa ducks into a classrooom. Titus excitedly runs down
the hallway, at one point jumping and clicking his heels,
then, following the heel click, begins to skip. The camera
pans back towards the wall, where modern Titus and Doug are
watching.

DOUG
You know, not to beat a dead horse
or anything, but HOW can you do a
dance like that and accuse ME of
being gay?

TITUS
This is so bizarre. It's just so
weird being back in my old high
school...with my old self. But
where's the Sisquo Kid?

DOUG
The Sisquo Kid?

TITUS
I thought you were watching over
me?

DOUG
Umm, I'm not YOUR guardian angel,
dumbass. Besides, even if I was,
I'd be watching YOU, not...oh,
crap, that is TOO funny.

22.

The Sisquo Kid walks by. He is fat, lily white, and has
silver hair, along with a gaudy silver dragon medallion
around his neck. He walks by, doing the oddest little
two-step, with headphones on, and singing:

SISQUO KID
(singing)
She head dumps like a truck,
truck, truck/guys like what, what,
what/Baby move your butt, butt,
butt/All night long...

He trails off as her enters the stairwell.

DOUG
Oh, man, that's the funniest thing
I've seen since I pushed Gerald
Ford down the steps of Air Force
One.

Titus abruptly stops laughing and shoots Doug an incredulous
look.

DOUG
I just wanted to tell him his shoe
was untied.

EXT. SCHOOL - DAY

Titus and Doug walk out of the front of the school. Titus
lights up a cigarette.

DOUG
So what did you notice in there?

TITUS
Ummm...that the weird Macedonian
exchange student still smells as
weird as I remember?

DOUG
Wanna know what I saw?

TITUS
Not particularly.

23.

DOUG
A sweet, genuine, kind dude named
Titus O'Donnell.

Titus doesn't respond to this.

DOUG
(singsongy)
Hellooooooo? Heaven to
Tiiiiiitus....

TITUS
Where to now?

DOUG
Hop in. You'll see.

INT. TITUS' CAR - NIGHT

TITUS
What the hell?

DOUG
What is it?

TITUS
When I got in the car, it was
daytime. Now it's nighttime all of
a sudden.

DOUG
But you don't find it odd that
your disembodied spirit is
currently on a journey wherein he
is watching events from three
years ago unfold as they happen?
Because if you can fathom that but
be startled by sudden darkness,
maybe you're some type of idiot
savant.

TITUS
Oh yeah...well...shut up.

24.

DOUG
Oooh, good one. Hold an a sec, I
need to check my schedule, see
where we're going...

Doug ruffles through a notebook.

TITUS
A heavenly day planner?

DOUG
It comes in handy. I put my phone
numbers and addresses and
directions in here. This one time
I got sent to hell to drop off
some paperwork and I forgot this
thing. I ended up getting lost and
spending about four hours
wandering around Pittsburgh.
Because of that, my papers didn't
get to hell for like a week. As a
result, Mother Theresa spent about
a week down there.

TITUS
(mock disdain)
Good job. Because of you, one of
the finest people to ever walk
this Earth was delayed in
receiving her eternal reward.

DOUG
Hey, she had a good time down
there. Got some neat tatoos. Okay,
uhh...head for the White Castle on
Route 9.

EXT. WHITE CASTLE - NIGHT

Titus and Doug are standing outside of a White Castle,
looking in one of the large windows to the inside of the
restaurant.

TITUS
When is this?

25.

DOUG
That fateful Friday. The day of
Randy Michaels' party.

TITUS
But it was just...

DOUG
(fed up)
I find it'll be best for my sanity
if you stop questioning the
chrononlogy of everything. It's
Friday. Shut up.

Titus looks in through the window again.

TITUS
I'm not here yet.

DOUG
Here you come.

Doug motions off camera. The camera quickly swings over to
show younger Titus and Marissa walking up to the restaurant.

INT. WHITE CASTLE - NIGHT

Titus and Marissa are lauging and talking over a table of
delicous White Castle hamburgers.

TITUS
(laughing)
So then, Jerry woke up, and I...ha
ha...I turn around, hide the hot
dog, and zip my fly!

Titus and Marissa laugh some more.

MARISSA
Man, that is TOO funny.

TITUS
Yeah, Jerry thought it was funny,
too.

26.

A beat.

TITUS
Once he stopped trying to punch
me.

MARISSA
They sound like great guys.

TITUS
They are. They're like brothers to
me. I love them in the manliest
way possible.

MARISSA
Aww, that's so...sweet?

Marissa glances at her watch.

MARISSA
When do you need to pick them up?

Titus checks his watch.

TITUS
Oh, jeez, I lost track of time. We
should go now. Look, I mean, if
you don't wanna ride with them,
they could probably...

MARISSA
No, I want to meet them. They
sound like fun.

CUT TO:

INT. TITUS' CAR - NIGHT

Titus is driving, Marissa rides shotgun. Trace and Jerry are
in the back. They ride on for several moments in total,
awkward silence, until...

TRACE
So...wanna hear some ethnic jokes?

27.

TITUS
(agitated)
Trace!

TRACE
Come on, man, just trying to
lighten it up in here!

TITUS
Yeah, but you don't need to OFFEND
someone to lighten it up!

Marissa turns to the back seat.

MARISSA
Yeah! Jesus Christ, man! How DARE
you try to win me over with your
sick, perverted sense of humor!
Ethnic jokes, Jesus! How can you
try to break the ice with me with
ethnic jokes! ESPECIALLY when
everyone knows I prefer dead baby
jokes!

Trace and Jerry look on, dumbfounded, for a few moments.
Then they bust out laughing. Titus lets out a sigh of
relief.

TITUS
Hey, we're here.

EXT. RANDY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Titus' car pulls up and parks in front of Randy Michaels'
house. Titus, Trace, Jerry, and Marissa all leave the car
and walk towards the front door.

TITUS
(to Marissa)
Okay, I gotta warn you: Randy
Michaels. Great guy. One of my
best friends. Known him since
kindegarten. But he's...different.

28.

MARISSA
What do you mean?

CUT TO:

INT. HOUSE PARTY - NIGHT

Randy Michaels, in all his glory: Fat, shirtless, beer in
hand, lampshade on his head, beer in hand, screaming:

RANDY
(shouting)
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Randy notices Titus and company entering the party.

RANDY
(jovial)
O'Donnell! What the fuck is it
that is up?

TITUS
Randy, Randy, Randy, how you
doing, buddy? I haven't seen you
in about eight hours.

RANDY
Hey man, I'm about as drunk now as
I was then.

JERRY
Jerk-off! You brought in another
bottle of MD 20-20 and didn't
share at lunch?

RANDY
Sorry, man. I had home ec, man. I
needed it for my special rum pot
pie.

Randy notices Marissa.

RANDY
My oh my oh my. Someone call
heaven, they're missing an angel.

29.

TITUS
Oh, Randy Michaels, Marissa
Campbell, Marissa, Randy.

Randy takes Marissa's hand in his and kisses it.

            RANDY
      (French, with
       subtitles)
May your cat never develop a yeast
infection.

TITUS
He thinks everything sounds
classier in French.

RANDY
You two grab some alcohol and get
messed up, I'll catch youse later.

Randy walks off. You can hear him screaming off screen:

RANDY (O.C.)
(screaming)
HEY! DON'T TOUCH THE FUCKING
CREDENZA!

MARISSA
Well, he certainly IS a charcter.

TITUS
Yeah, but he's good people. Drink?

MARISSA
Sure, let's go get a beer.

Young Titus and Marissa walk off. The camera pans over to
modern day Titus and Doug. Titus has the slightest grin
creeping over his face, which Doug is quick to notice.

DOUG
Titus Anthony O'Donnell, are you
getting wistful?

30.

TITUS
Maybe just a teeny bit. That
doesn't mean anything though.

DOUG
Well let's see.

Doug pulls out a remote control and "unpauses" the action.

TITUS
You can control the past with a TV
remote?

DOUG
It's a Zach Attack, bitch!

TITUS
How far ahead did you go?

DOUG
Like an hour and a half. Let's
watch some more.

The camera pans back over to show the full scope of the
party: dozens of people, dancing, drinking, smoking, having
a good time. Among the dancers grooving to the house music
that a DJ is spinning are Titus and Marissa. Suddenly, the
DJ stops the music and speaks over his microphone.

DJ
Alright, since Randy isn't paying
me SHIT for this gig, I'm gonna
throw on some retarded music while
I go beat his ass. Enjoy the worst
music ever made, bitches!

The DJ throws his headset down and storms off as Debbie
Boone's "You Light Up My Life" starts up.

TITUS
(annoyed)
Oh man, I was just starting to get
my freak on, too.

Everyone else who was dancing wanders off, leaving Titus and
Marissa alone in the middle of the room.

31.

MARISSA
Come on, let's keep dancing!

TITUS
Do we have to?

MARISSA
You never know. We might get some
other people to get up and join
us.

Before Titus can answer, Marissa pulls him in close and puts
her head on his shoulder. They dance slowly.

MARISSA
(wistful)
I'm lucky to have met you, Titus.

TITUS
(unsure)
Umm...okay.

Marissa puts her head up and looks Titus in the eyes.

MARISSA
I've moved around a lot in the
last couple years. Wherever I've
gone, it's always taken me awhile
to...I dunno...fit in? Find people
that make me feel welcome, you
know? But you've gone out of your
way to make me feel welcome here,
and I'm extremely grateful for it.
That's why I think I'm lucky to
have met you.

Titus looks Marissa dead in the eyes and plants a quick kiss
on her lips. She is briefly taken aback.

TITUS
I'm sorry. Look, if...

Marissa cuts him short by returning the favor. Marissa pulls
back, and Titus looks in deeply in the eyes. Titus moves
back in and kisses her tenderly on the mouth.

32.

TRACE (O.C.)
Get a room, loverboy!

            TITUS
      (shouting
       off-screen)
Go to hell, shrimpy dick!

Quick pan back to modern Titus and Doug. Doug, holding a can
of soda, does a comical (as opposed to dramatic) spit-take
at the utterance of "shrimpy-dick". Then, back to Titus and
Marissa.

TITUS
Welcome to New Jersey, Marissa.

They kiss again.

EXT. RANDY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

A contemplative modern day Titus is seen sitting on the
front stoop of Randy's house, smoking a cigarette and lost
in thought. Doug comes out from inside the house and
approaches Titus.

DOUG
Hey, maybe...

TITUS
(interrupting)
Alright, you know what? Maybe
you're right! Maybe I do regret
what happened with Marissa when we
split last night. But you know
what? You won't change my mind.
Yeah, we had some good times
togehter. But that's in the past.
We both need to move on. I'm upset
now, but I'll move on! In the long
run, it's best that we're not
together. She's better off!

DOUG
Titus, listen to me: pull yourself
together. We're not done yet, not
(MORE)

33.

DOUG (cont'd)
by a long shot. Where we're going
now is going to be much tougher
than this, and I promise you: this
is going to get worse before it
gets better. I can't have you
going to pieces when we've only
just begun.

Titus sighs.

TITUS
Okay, fine. Can you give me a
minute?

DOUG
Sure.

Titus looks in through a picture window on the porch and
sees everyone inside dancing again as the DJ contendly
counts money at his table. Titus and Marissa are in the
thick of it, dancing with huge smiles on their faces to the
Jackson 5's "I Want You Back".

INT. TITUS' CAR - NIGHT

Titus is driving along a quite stretch of road as Doug
futzes with the radio.

TITUS
Now where?

DOUG
Just drive for a bit. I'd like to
talk to you.

TITUS
Okay.

DOUG
Does the name Eugene A. Marley
mean anything to you?

34.

TITUS
(perturbed)
Aww, shit, man. Do you need to go
there?

DOUG
It'd make my job one hell of a lot
easier.

Titus sighs.

TITUS
Alright. He's my grandfather. He
pretty much raised me. He was the
only person who really understood
me.

DOUG
Other than Marissa.

TITUS
She didn't get me.

DOUG
Don't be so sure. Tell me more
about your grandfather.

TITUS
Well...he was funny. God, but he
was funny. He was more of a father
to me than anyone else I knew. You
know how your parents and
teachers, even though you know
they have your best interests at
heart, they always seem to be
judging you?

DOUG
Not in the strictest sense that
you are describing, but one could
say that my father is the Ultimate
Judge.

TITUS
Grandpa never gave me that sense
like I was being judged. I mean,
(MORE)

35.

TITUS (cont'd)
God knows I tested him enough,
some of the shit I did, but he
never made it seem like he thought
any less of me.

Beat.

TITUS
(quietly)
He's the only person I really
trusted. That I could confide in.

DOUG
And when he died?

Titus doesn't respond.

DOUG
Head to Spicuzzo's Funeral Home.

TITUS
Dammit, do we have to?

DOUG
Yes.

Doug gives up on the radio.

DOUG
Radio sucks.

TITUS
I've got some CDs in that book on
the floor, put on whatever you
want.

Doug pulls out a CD.

DOUG
Any idea what's on this one?

TITUS
Not really. Pop it in.

Doug puts the CD into the player. The first track is Debbie
Boone's "You Light Up My Life".

36.

TITUS
(curt)
Next fucking song please.

Doug presses a button on the face of the CD player. The next
track is "I Want You Back" by the Jackson 5. Titus reaches
for the CD player.

CUT TO:

EXT. QUIET STREET - NIGHT

Titus' car speed by as a CD comes flying out the driver's
side window.

EXT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY

Titus and Doug are walking towards the front door of the
funeral home from the parking lot.

DOUG
I'm pretty sure you know when this
is.

TITUS
December 16, 2002.

DOUG
Right. You ready.

TITUS
Gimme a sec.

DOUG
Okay.

Titus lights a cigarette.

TITUS
Can I ask you a question?

DOUG
Sure.

37.

TITUS
Umm...what's heaven like?

DOUG
Heaven is whatever to make it. If
you want it to be a party, it's a
party, and if you want it to be a
villa in the south of France, oui
oui. It's an eternal reward for
the good one does on Earth, so all
the pain of Earth is left behind
once you walk through the gates.
Eternal bliss. A thing of beauty
and joy forever.

TITUS
Is...is my Grandpa there?

DOUG
I'm not allowed to give you that
kind of information. But think for
a minute: did he live a good life?

TITUS
Yeah.

DOUG
He did good works?

TITUS
Yeah.

DOUG
And he put the interests of others
above his own?

TITUS
All the time.

DOUG
Well, what do you think?

TITUS
I dunno, man. I mean, it's not
like he was a regular churchgoer
or anything.

38.

DOUG
(chuckling)
Oh, the mentality of a Catholic.
Listen, does got like it when
people thank Him for all He's
done? Yeah, He does. But to Him,
that's like the icing on the cake:
it's your actions that matter.

Titus appears confused.

DOUG
Alright, lemme ask you something:
do you think Hitler is in heaven?

TITUS
Of course not.

DOUG
Of course not. But he thought he
WAS doing God's work, as sick as
that sounds. But all the prayers
and the masses and rosaries and
novenas in the world don't mean a
tinker's damn if your actions
don't back them up. I might be
overstepping my authority a bit in
saying this, as only God can speak
for God, but I'm pretty sure He'd
rather have a million atheist
Andrew Marleys than one
God-fearing Adolf Hitler.

This seems to pacify Titus, who stubs out his cigarette on
the ground.

DOUG
It's time.

TITUS
Let's get this over with.

39.

INT. FUNERAL HOME LOBBY - DAY

A couple dozen people mill about the lobby dressed in their
Sunday best. Younger Titus is off in a corner, sitting in a
chair, lost in thought. Marissa walks into frame, looks
around, and finds Titus. Titus notices her, gets up, and
approaches her. She holds out her arms and Titus quickly
walks into her embrace.

MARISSA
(through tears)
I'm so sorry.

Titus sobs on her shoulder briefly, then pulls away. He
wipes his tears away with a handkerchief. He is no longer
crying, but stands resolute.

MARISSA
Titus, it's okay. Just let it out,

TITUS
No, I can't. I have to be strong.

MARISSA
Honey, let it out. You'll feel
better.

TITUS
No, I can't be weak. People are
depending on me. I have to be
strong.

MARISSA
Titus, you don't have to be...

TITUS
(interrupting)
No, I do.

Titus points to a little girl, no older than six.

TITUS
That's my cousin, Monica. And see
him?

Titus points now towards a ten year old boy.

40.

TITUS
That's Andy, her brother. They
look up to me. They depend on me.
I have to be strong for them.

MARISSA
Titus, sweetie, look at me: you
are the most selfless person I've
ever met. That's one of the things
that I love about you. But,
please, just this one time, I'm
begging you: don't be so selfless.
If there's one time it's okay to
be selfish and to let go, it's
now. And I think you'll set a
better example for the kids if you
show them that it's okay to cry.

TITUS
That'll just upset them more.

MARISSA
Titus, they'll understand.

TITUS
Just drop it.

MARISSA
Ti...

TITUS
(harshly)
DROP IT!

Several people hear this and turn to look at Titus and
Marissa. He looks and them and says, apologetically:

TITUS
Sorry.

He turns his attention back towards Marissa.

41.

TITUS
(apologetically)
Marissa, please. I'm begging you,
let this drop. Please, just hold
my hand.

MARISSA
(crying again)
Okay.

They both take a couple of seconds to compose themselves.

TITUS
The service starts soon. We should
go in.

MARISSA
Okay.

EXT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY

Titus and Doug walk out of the funeral home. A visably upset
Titus lights another cigarette.

DOUG
You okay?

TITUS
(curt)
Yes.

DOUG
Then let's go.

INT. TITUS' CAR - NIGHT

Titus drives in silence as Doug ruffles through his stuff.

DOUG
Okay, let's see, where to now?

A few moments of silence as Doug ruffles through his
planner, then...

42.

DOUG
Ohhhhhh, shit.

TITUS
What is it?

DOUG
You're...um...due to be tempted.

TITUS
Tempted? How?

JACKANAPES (O.C.)
By ME!

TITUS
(frightened)
Who the FUCK is that?!

DOUG
Pull over, it's best not to do
this while driving.

EXT. QUIET ROAD - NIGHT

Titus pulls has car over along a quiet stretch of road. He
frantically stops the car and leaps out. Doug leaves the car
and walks around to Titus, as the Jackanapes (an attractive
girl in a cheesey devil costume) exits from the backseat and
approaches Titus.

TITUS
Alright, who the FUCK are you?

JACKANAPES
I go by many names: Barghest,
Nidhogg, Lamastu...

DOUG
Bitch, stop with the cool names.
Your name is the Jackanapes. Just
accept it.

43.

JACKANAPES
Screw you, God boy! You above all
should know how much it sucks to
be stuck with a shitty name for
all eternity.

DOUG
I've made my peace with it.

JACKANAPES
Yeah, yeah, you know you feel
pangs of jealousy every time you
watch the Mighty Ducks.

DOUG
Hey, I can't stand the Ducks
anymore. They jumped the shark
with D2.

JACKANAPES
You got it all wrong! It was D3
that killed it. D2 was AWESOME.

DOUG
Horsehit! It's so out of order! D3
should BE D2! I mean, don't you
think that the Ducks would have
logically taken out the prep
school kids BEFORE winning the
world championship? It's like
saying the Russian hockey team
isn't as good as a bunch of chubby
rich kids.

JACKANAPES
You would think that, Charlie
Sheen.

DOUG
Moron. The Ducks had Emilio! You
can't even keep the Estevezes
straight!

JACKANAPES
At least I AM straight,
assblaster.

44.

TITUS
Damn! You got served!

Doug and the Jackanapes both turn to Titus and yell at him
to SHUT UP! Then, the Jackanapes comes to her senses and
realizes what she is there for.

DOUG
God damn it, angel boy, you made
me forget why I'm here! Titus,
that's you, right?

TITUS
Yes.

JACKANAPES
This whole day has been a big pain
in the ass so far, right?

TITUS
You bet your ass.

JACKANAPES
And yet our "friend" Douglas here
tells you it's only going to get
harder from here on out! Do you
really want to deal with that?

TITUS
Not at all.

JACKANAPES
Well, then, how about we dicuss
making a little deal which will
end this whole messy affair?

TITUS
Sure, let's talk.

DOUG
Umm, Titus? May I have a word with
you for a second?

45.

TITUS
(to Jackanapes)
Hold on there, baby, I'll be right
back.

Titus goes back to Doug, who grabs him by the ear and walks
him over to the other side of the car. There, Doug can be
heard whispering and seen frantically gesticulating and
Titus.

TITUS
Shut up! Don't worry about it!
Just watch!

Titus moves back to the other side of the car to talk with
the Jackanapes. Doug buries his head in his hands as if to
say, "That's it. It's over".

TITUS
I'm sorry, hot stuff. Where were
we?

JACKANAPES
Okay, hot stuff: I'll make this
all end and you'll go back to
normal. All I need in return is
your soul.

TITUS
Hmm. Doesn't sound like such a
good deal to me. What do I get in
return?

JACKANAPES
Oh, in return? Ummm....Angelina
Jolie.

TITUS
Hmm...no deal.

JACKANAPES
(seductive)
Oh, you drive a hard bargain, huh?

46.

TITUS
That's not the only hard thing I
drive.

JACKANAPES
Alright, big boy: Five million
dollars and Angelina Jolie.

TITUS
Nope.

JACKANAPES
Okay, okay...five mil, Angelina
Jolie, AND Brittany Murphy.

By this point, Titus is staring blankly off into space as he
responds to the Jackanapes.

TITUS
Hey, that sounds good. NO!

JACKANAPES
Damn! Okay, okay, umm...TEN
million, Angelina Jolie, Brittany
Murphy, AND Carrie Fisher circa
Return of the Jedi IN the Jabba's
slave outfit!

TITUS
Ye...no.

JACKANAPES
(growing flustered)
OKAY. Angelina Jolie, Brittany
Murphy, Slave Girl Leia, TWENTY
million, AND Bea Arthur!

TITUS
You gotta do better than that.

JACKANAPES
(frustrated)
ALRIGHT! One last offer: THIRTY
million dollars, Jolie, Murphy,
Leia, Dorothy Zbornak, AND....

47.

The Jackanapes reaches behind her back and unzips her devil
costume, which drops to the ground, revealing her shaply
figure in a set of hot, red lingere.

DJ
THIS!

Titus turns his gaze back to Jackanapes as he answers.

TITUS
NoOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MY LORD HAVE
MERCY! No! No! No!

Titus wanders around for a second to regain his composure.

JACKANAPES
Fuck, man! What the fuck is the
matter with you?!

TITUS
Think about it: I go to hell and
lose my shot at the love of my
life. Not much of a deal there for
me. So please, and I mean this in
the most literal way possible, go
to hell!

The Jackanapes disappears in a poof of smoke, screaming:

JACKANAPES
Oooooooh what a world! What a
world!

Doug approaches Titus, a shocked look on his face.

DOUG
(surprised)
That was AMAZING! I guess being so
jaded DOES have its advantages.

TITUS
Hey, she's a demon. I'd be
retarded to trust her. Plus, if
nothing else, something tells me
you are at least looking out for
my best interests.

48.

DOUG
Titus Anthony O'Donnell, are you
saying you TRUST me?

TITUS
Maybe. Kinda. But I do have
another question for you?

DOUG
What?

TITUS
Whenever I screwed up, my Grandpa
called me a "jackanapes". That
couldn't have been a coincidence
just now, could it?

DOUG
Honestly? I don't know. But my
supervisor DOES have a keen sense
of irony.

TITUS
Who's that?

DOUG
Que?

TITUS
Your supervisor.

DOUG
Oh, that'd be St. Paul. He was a
tax collector, you know. If he
knew anything, it was how, when,
and why to make an unwanted
appearance. Most telemarketers got
their game plan from him. Come on,
we've got places to go.

EXT. DINER - DAY

Titus and Doug approach a diner from the parking lot.

49.

DOUG
Now, pay attention here. This is
important.

TITUS
You've said that everywhere we've
gone. Can't we see something
unimportant for once? Like me
watching a movie? Or me sitting on
a toilet.

DOUG
Okay, God Himself can barely
tolerate watching THAT.

TITUS
Why not? It's a natural biological
function!

DOUG
I don't know if you've noticed
this, but "natural" doesn't
necesscarily have to be synonomous
with "beautiful". Throw in
"biological", hell, then things
can get downright disgusting. It
seems even more disgusting to me
than it does to you. I don't even
HAVE to poop. Ever. That makes
seeing you people do it seem even
worse.

TITUS
Now there's something I never
learned from 12 years of Catholic
school.

DOUG
It's the First Angel Commandment:
Thou Shalt Not Poop. Come on,
let's go inside.

50.

INT. DINER - DAY

Titus and Doug walk into the restaurant unnoticed by the
hostess and sit down in a booth.

TITUS
Can I get some cheese fries?

DOUG
The waitress can't see you,
jackass.

TITUS
Shit, man. I'm hungry.

Doug lets out an exasperated sigh.

DOUG
Fine.

Doug conjures up a plate of cheese fries from nowhere. Titus
is amazed. He and Doug look each other directly in the eyes.

TITUS
Wow! How'd you do that?

Beat.

DOUG
I'm an ANGEL.

TITUS
You couldn't maybe conjure up a
Snapple, could you?

DOUG
Don't press your luck.

CUT TO:

A shot of the front of the diner. Titus and Marissa walk in.
Titus is now bearded, his hair is mussed, he pretty much
looks like hell. They are seated by the hostess at a booth
behind Doug and Titus.

51.

HOSTESS
Can I get you something to drink.

MARISSA
Lemonade, please.

TITUS
Coffee.

The hostess writes the drink orders down in her pad.

HOSTESS
Okay, I'll be right back.

The hostess walks off. There is a moment of uncomfortable
silence between Titus and Marissa. Titus lights a cigarette.

MARISSA
Why'd you have to start doing
that?

TITUS
I dunno.

MARISSA
You know it's bad for you.

TITUS
Just get off my back about it,
okay?

MARISSA
I'm sorry. I'm just worried about
you.

TITUS
(exasperated)
Jesus, I'm fine! How many goddamn
times do I have to tell you?

MARISSA
I'm sorry. It's just...it's been
six months since your grandfather
died and you haven't been yourself
since.

52.

TITUS
What do you mean? I'm the same guy
I've always been.

MARISSA
Well, it's just that...you're one
of the smartest people I've ever
met. You're always so in control.

TITUS
Oh, and now I'm out of control,
right?

MARISSA
I'm not saying that. It's just
that you're acting differently
than you have since I've known
you. I mean, first you quit
school, then you started smoking,
I just...

TITUS
You're just worried that I'm going
over the edge and I'm going to do
something stupid and hurt myself.

MARISSA
(quietly)
Kinda.

TITUS
Well, I'm sorry if I'm not
adjusting to life without my
grandfather as quickly and happily
as you'd like me to.

MARISSA
Titus, you're getting what I'm
trying to say all wrong. I know
you miss you're grandfather, and I
know how much you loved him. But I
don't think you ever really let
yourself mourn.

53.

TITUS
Oh, come on. Everyone has a
different way of mourning. I'm
choosing not to become a quivering
wreck over it, what's wrong with
that?

MARISSA
Nothing's wrong with that. But
that's never how you've been, at
least not since I've known you.
Whenever something's upset you,
you've always talking about it
with me and we'd work through it.
Now, I'm just seeing you change
into this different person and I'm
scared because I don't know why.

TITUS
(sarcastically)
So you think there's something
wrong with me. Well, newsflash
Marissa: my fucking grandfather
died. So yes, I'm really upset
about it. But you know what? I'm
fine. I've had a couple of rough
months, but I'll survive.

MARISSA
Can you at least understand where
I'm coming from?

TITUS
Yeah, you think there's something
wrong with me because I don't sob
like a week little baby because
I'm sad.

MARISSA
Titus, there's nothing wrong with
crying. It's just a way to let
your feelings out. It doesn't make
you weak.

54.

TITUS
Alright, maybe it doesn't. But
it's not my way of coping.

MARISSA
Then what IS your way of coping,
Titus? Because I honestly don't
know. All I've seen you do is
start behaving self-destructively.
You smoke, you drink, you quit
school, it's all hurting yourself.
I think you're hurting yourself
because you're holding everything
in. It's okay to let it out Titus.
It's how people cope.

Marissa and Titus stop arguing for a second as the waitress
comes with their drinks.

MARISSA
(to waitess)
Could we have a couple minutes,
please?

HOSTESS
Sure thing. I'll be over just as
soon as you're ready.

The hostess walks off.

MARISSA
I'm just worried that you're
hurting yourself because you're
not letting yourself cope.

TITUS
(growing angry)
Would you fucking stop it? Look,
I've had a few rough months since
my grandpa died, and I'm choosing
to work through my grief in my own
way. But I'm okay, for Christ's
sake! I'm coping, believe me, I'm
coping!

55.

MARISSA
What? THIS is coping? Getting
angry at someone who loves you
because she's concerned about you?

TITUS
I'm not mad at you because you're
concerned about me.

MARISSA
Then why are you mad at me?

TITUS
I dunno, okay!

MARISSA
Now, it's not okay. Listen to me,
Titus: you're mad because you
won't let yourself be sad. You've
never let yourself really begin to
cope. I know you're sad, Titus. I
can tell. But you're holding
everything in, and it's hurting
you! It's hurting me, too! It's
hurting us! Look: I love you,
Titus. That's why it hurts me so
much to see you acting this way,
because it's so out of character
for you. I just want you to talk
to me, to tell me how you feel.

Titus is visibly shaken.

TITUS
(exploding)
Fuck! I'm fine! Look, just because
I don't fucking cry every five
minutes doesn't mean I'm not
coping! I've got my own way to
deal with things!

56.

MARISSA
(tearing up)
Titus, telling me how you feel
doesn't make you weak! It makes
you human! You don't have to me
strong for everybody!

TITUS
Would you just drop it please?

Marissa takes a few seconds to regain her composure.

MARISSA
Okay, for now I will. Just...if
you every want to talk about these
things, let me know.

TITUS
Fine.

Beat. Another, then:

MARISSA
But, for the record, I still think
you're hurting yourself by holding
everything in.

Titus stands up and puts his jacket on.

TITUS
And, for the record, I'm leaving.

Marissa starts to tear up again.

MARISSA
(crying)
Titus, please!

TITUS
I'll see you tomorrow.

Titus walks out of the diner, throwing a few dollars on the
table as he leaves the booth. Camera pans back to the other
booth, where Titus and Doug sit directly behind Marissa.

57.

TITUS
Man.

DOUG
What?

TITUS
I'm beginning to see how I messed
up.

DOUG
Good.

TITUS
But if she really cared so much
about me she would have stopped
pressing me so much when I asked
her to.

DOUG
Titus, look at her: does she LOOK
like she doesn't really care?

Titus turns back to look at Marissa in the adjacent booth.
She looks like a complete wreck, with tears streaming down
her face.

CUT TO:

A close up shot of Titus. His face quickly turns to one of
complete sorrow. He gets up out of the booth and approaches
Marissa. Doug is quick to follow him.

DOUG
Titus, what are you doing? TITUS,
NO!

As Doug speaks, Titus reaches out to touch Marissa. Doug
tackles him at the last second, but his fingers graze
against Marissa's hair. She lets out a brief, panicked yelp,
looks around, calms herself, and gets up out of the booth,
leaving the diner.

            DOUG
      (angry)
What were you thinking? Huh? What
            (MORE)

58.

DOUG (cont'd)
did I tell you? Remember, John
Denver! Gerald Ford! You can't
just touch people like that! You
could've killed her, and THEN
where would we be?

TITUS
(sorrowful)
I'm sorry! God, I'm sorry!

Titus sits down on the floor, Doug sits next to him.

DOUG
(soothing)
Look, Titus, I know this isn't
easy on you. But we're not over
yet, and it's going to get worse
before it gets better. I need you
to listen to me, so we can both
get through this. Okay?

TITUS
(calming down)
All...alright.

Doug gets to his feet and helps Titus up.

DOUG
Come on, man. Let's go back out to
the car. I'll get that Snapple for
you.

TITUS
Alright, I can't watch this
anymore.

EXT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

Titus and Doug walk through a crowded parking lot up to a
nightclub.

TITUS
This is just the other night,
isn't it?

59.

DOUG
Yes it is.

TITUS
We just skipped over like a year
and a half. Isn't that kind of a
lot to just skim over?

DOUG
Well, what did you do over the
next year and a half?

CUT TO:

Titus thinks about this for a second. Wavy dissolve as we
move into a montage of Titus acting like a jerk. In this
montage, we see:

-Titus pointing and laughing from a car at a man with no
arms and no legs rolling downhill in a wheelchair

-Titus walking out of a men's room stall leaving a mess of
toilet paper on the floor

-Titus washing his hands in a bathroom. He washes his hands,
and notices a toothbrush sitting in a toothbrush holder. He
picks up the brush, rubs it in the inside of the toilet, and
replaces it.

-Titus pushing through a line of kids at an ice cream truck
and buying an armful of ice cream bars. Titus walks away and
laughs as the truck drives away, being totally sold out. The
kids cry.

Back to Doug and Titus.

TITUS
Nothing out of the ordinary. Why?

DOUG
Think harder.

Titus goes back into his thoughts.

CUT TO:

60.

Titus, sitting in a chair, listening to music over
headphones. He picks up a CD case and examines it. The
camera zooms in to the CD case, showing that Titus is
listening to Hawthorne Heights.

Back to Doug and Titus.

TITUS
(startled)
Oh my God! I AM an asshole!

Doug puts his hand on Titus' shoulder.

DOUG
That's good. You've taken your
first step into a larger world.

INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

The concert seen at the start of the film, during the
introduction. Titus and Marissa are in a corner, making out.
A band is playing onstage, comprised of Randy Michaels on
drums, Trace on bass, and Jerry on guitar and vocals. The
band's name, according to the logo printed on the front of
the bass drum, is Anal Fissure. They are playing loud, fast
hardcore music. Doug and Titus walk in. Titus is grooving to
the music.

TITUS
Man, it is great to be here
without Marissa though. I'll own
the fuckin' pit.

DOUG
Yes, I can imagine the headlines
now: "Invisible Moshing Wraith
Kills Twelve".

TITUS
Damn, I almost forgot I can't
touch them.

DOUG
Jeez, are you retarded or
something? You almost killed your
(MORE)

61.

DOUG (cont'd)
girlfriend by touching her like
forty five minutes ago!

TITUS
Oh. Yeah.

DOUG
Anyway, here's where things REALLY
go wrong. Let's watch, shall we?

TITUS
Do you REALLY have to narrate the
end of my relationship like it's a
National Geographic special?

DOUG
Look at your generation: you
learned more history and geography
from Where In The World Is Carmen
Sandiego than you ever did in poor
old Mrs. Fraley's sixth grade
social studies class.

TITUS
Hey, Mrs. Fraley was 132 years
old. Even if she was a good
teacher she was far too old to
make any kind of real connection
with us. But you're right, maybe I
would have paid more attention if
she had Rockapella rockin' it a
capella before class.

DOUG
My point exactly. And, just
because it seems to bug you, I'll
narrate this part like Masterpiece
Theatre instead: here, the shit
doth hit thy fan. Let us luxuriate
in the telling.

Pan back over where Titus and Marissa are making out. They
are near the stage, where anal fissure is finishing a song.
They pull apart as Jerry begins to speak.

62.

JERRY
Alright you little jerks,
remember: our CDs are for sale
after the show. Our album is
called "More Songs About Our
Affair With Your Mother". Buy it,
its good. Oh, we're playing at
Starland tomorrow, so swing by
there and we'll fuck some shit up.
Alright, now, this song is for two
special people in my life. It's a
love song, and it's for YOU, Titus
and Marissa! This is "Fucking You
Is Fucking Awesome".

MARISSA
(amused)
Aww, how disgusting and sweet!

TITUS
He wants something from me.

MARISSA
Come on, Titus, don't be such a
dick. He's just being nice.

TITUS
People don't do things just to be
nice. People have agendas.

MARISSA
How can you be so jaded?

TITUS
I'm not jaded. I'm realistic.

MARISSA
That's such a messed up
philosophy.

TITUS
People are messed up.

MARISSA
So, lemme get this straight:
people don't do things for other
(MORE)

63.

MARISSA (cont'd)
people to be nice, people do nice
things because they want something
in return?

TITUS
Jawohl.

MARISSA
So, just out of curiosity, when we
first met and you so kindly showed
me around and introduced me to
everybody, that was because you
"wanted" something?

Titus lets out a long, drawn out breath. He was planning on
this.

TITUS
I WAS just being nice. But...

MARISSA
But what?

TITUS
I didn't understand people like I
do now. I was stupid then.

Titus winces as soon as the words are out of his mouth. He
knew they didn't come out right at all.

MARISSA
(angry)
So, we're only together because
you're "stupid"?!

TITUS
I prefer to think of it as a happy
accident.

MARISSA
(angrier)
So we're an ACCIDENT?!

TITUS
In a word: yes.

64.

Marissa smacks Titus upside the head.

TITUS
Ouch! Jeus, what the fuck did you
do that for?!

MARISSA
I can't believe what a jerk you
are!

TITUS
(defensive)
What, I'm a jerk because I have a
different philosophy on life than
you do?

MARISSA
No, you're pathetic because of the
philosophy you have, you're a jerk
because, if you REALLY believe
that philosophy, then we wouldn't
be togehter if we were just
meeting now!

TITUS
That's why I called it a HAPPY
accident!

MARISSA
An accident is an accident is an
accident!

TITUS
Look, can't we just...

            MARISSA
      (interrupting)
Drop it? Titus, I'm sick to death
of EVERY goddamn conversation
we've had for the last two years
ending with that. Look, for almost
two years every conversation we've
had about how we really feel has
lasted two minutes and ended with
you saying "drop it". Well, I'm
tired of dropping it, Titus.
            (MORE)

65.

MARISSA (cont'd)
REALLY tired of it. We're having a
major difference of opinion here,
one that makes me sincerely doubt
we have much of a future together
if we don't resolve it!

TITUS
Okay, okay! Jeez! But can we do it
somewhere else? I mean, this isn't
exactly the best place to have an
argument in!

MARISSA
Fine. But I WON'T just drop this
one.

TITUS
(resigned)
Fine.

MARISSA
Tomorrow night, you get out a
seven, right?

TITUS
Yeah.

MARISSA
And Jerry and the guys don't go on
until like 10:30?

TITUS
Right.

MARISSA
Then tomorrow night we're going to
the Pank and finished this
conversation.

TITUS
Yes, dear.

MARISSA
Good puppy.

Camera pans back over to Doug and Titus.

66.

DOUG
Man, I'm so disappointed...

TITUS
Okay, I'll admit it. I was a total
jerk off, there.

DOUG
Actually, I was disappointed they
didn't do that bitchin' Misfits
cover, but, uh, yeah, that too.

TITUS
But you've got to admit that I
wasn't ALWAYS avoiding the big,
painful conversations! I agreed to
finish that one!

DOUG
What? You cave in and agree to
have one serious conversation in
two years because you don't want
to get yelled at in public and now
you're Maury Povich all of a
sudden? Jeez, you must really be
clutching at straws now. Look,
we've got one more painful memory
from your recent past to revisit.

TITUS
Lemme guess: the ride home.

DOUG
Correctamundo!

EXT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

Titus' car is seen pulling out of the nightclub parking lot.

TITUS (v.o.)
I'll pick you up around 7:30
tomorrow night, okay?

67.

INT. TITUS' CAR - NIGHT

Titus is seen driving with Marissa next to him in the
passenger seat.

MARISSA
Okay

They ride in silence for a few seconds until Marissa's cell
phone rings. She answers it.

MARISSA
Hello? Oh, hey Karen, how are you?
What...oh my god...is she okay? Oh
my god...oh...oh no...I'm, uh...in
the car right now...no, Titus is
driving...alright, I'll call you
back when I get in...about five
minutes,
maybe...okay...thanks...keep me
posted...thanks. Bye.

TITUS
What was that?

MARISSA
(extremely shaken)
That was...um...my friend Karen,
from Michigan.

TITUS
The one you went to visit in
August?

MARISSA
Yeah...my, uh, friend, Lynn...she
was...driving home from work and
a, uh...drunk driver smashed into
her...head on. Now, she's in
a...coma, and...

TITUS
And?

MARISSA
And she...

68.

Marissa completely breaks down.

MARISSA
(sobbing)
She might not make it through the
night!

Marissa leans over onto Titus' shoulder, sobbing. She is
obviously in great need of some compassion, and receiving
very little from Titus.

TITUS
Crying isn't going to help her.

MARISSA
(shocked)
What did you say?

TITUS
You heard me. Crying ISN'T going
to help her. You should be strong.
Crying is weak.

Marissa looks at Titus, her face a mixture of shock,
sadness, and anger.

MARISSA
(slowly)
You...bastard.

TITUS
What did you call me?!

            MARISSA
      (enraged)
You fucking bastard! One of my
best friends is laying in a
hospital and bed, she might be
dying, and all you can say to me
is, "don't cry, be strong"?!
Listen to me, Titus: Just because
you've become an emotionless robot
doesn't mean that I have to be the
same way! Look, Titus, I love you,
more than you can possibly know,
and believe me, I'm SORRY about
            (MORE)

69.

MARISSA (cont'd)
your grandfather! But shutting
yourself off from everyone and
shoving all your emotions doesn't
make you strong! It makes you a
fucking emotionless jerk! And, you
know what? I'm even stupider,
because for too long I've been
content to be the girlfriend of a
fucking emotionless jerk! Luckily
for me, that's a mistake I don't
have to live with anymore!

Titus brings the car to a stop in front of Marissa's house.
Marissa franticly unbuckles her seatbelt and starts to get
out of the car.

TITUS
(apologetic)
Marissa, I...

MARISSA
Fuck you, asshole!

Marissa slams the car door shut and runs for her front door.
Titus frantically rolls down his window and shouts.

TITUS
(shouting)
MARISSA!

MARISSA (o.c.)
Fuck you!

TITUS
(pissed off)
Fuck!

CUT TO:

EXT. MARISSA'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Titus puts the car back in gear and drives off. Modern Titus
and Doug are seen standing behind where the car had been.

70.

TITUS
Alright, I'll admit to being a
huge asshole there. But you know
what? We're better off apart. She
deserves someone better than me.

DOUG
Look, Titus, I'm probably not
supposed to be telling you this,
but the concept of soulmates isn't
some romantic notion conjured up
by some idiot romance novelist:
it's very, very real. What you and
Marissa have is very rare, very
special. It's not something
everyone has. In fact, most people
don't. A lot of people give up
looking for it and give up on
finding it. You pretty much walked
into something that most people
spend a lifetime looking for. You
shouldn't just give up on it now.
But, at the same time, I've gotten
to know you pretty well today:
you're petulant. You're stubborn.
You're pigheaded. You refuse to
admit you've made a mistake.
You'll live the rest of your life
regretting what you did, but you
won't own up to it. But, deep down
inside, you know you love Marissa.
Don't even try to aruge that point
with me, because I know that to be
true. And while you might be
willing to live with the knowledge
that you lost something special,
something that meant the world to
you, you won't let Marissa end up
the same way.

Titus seems shaken by this statement.

TITUS
What are you saying?

71.

DOUG
What I'm saying is this: Marissa
loves you as much as you love her.
And as much pain as you'll be in
without her, she'll feel the same
way without you.

TITUS
That can't be. Marissa is...she's
perfect. She's beautiful, and
smart, and funny. She'll find
someone who loves her.

DOUG
You're not getting my point! She
doesn't want SOMEONE. She wants
YOU!

Titus opens his mouth to respond, but can't find the words
he wants. He sits down on the curb and lights up a
cigarette. Doug takes a seat next to him.

TITUS
Now what?

DOUG
Well, you can take some solace in
the fact that we're done bopping
around in the past.

TITUS
Thank God.

DOUG
Don't get too excited, we're not
done yet.

TITUS
Goddamn it. Where the hell CAN we
go now? I'm pretty much out of
past.

DOUG
We're done in the past. We're
going back...to the future!

72.

TITUS
MY future? Isn't that even
potentially stickier than going
into the past?

DOUG
We're not going into your future.
Marissa's future. Or, rather, a
POSSIBLE future for Marissa.

TITUS
I don't know if I like the sound
of that...

Doug stands up, Titus follows. They walk up the block
towards Titus' car.

DOUG
Come on, let's get going.

Titus and Doug get into Titus' car. The car starts and
drives down the street, towards the camera. As it passes the
camera, Doug is heard yelling out the window:

DOUG
(yelling)
ONE POINT TWENTY ONE JIGGAWATTS!

INT. TITUS' CAR - DAY

Titus and Doug ride silently. It is again daytime.

TITUS
Back to the Future. Honestly.

DOUG
You're a child of the 90s, Titus.
I need to speak to you in the
language of pop culture.

Beat.

DOUG
Whoomp, there it is.

73.

TITUS
There what is?

Another beat.

DOUG
You can be a real idiot sometimes,
y'know?

TITUS
Thanks.

DOUG
Okay, we're here.

EXT. DORMITORY - DAY

Titus and Doug are walking to a large college dorm building.

DOUG
Frelinghuysen Hall. Marissa's dorm
at Rutgers University.

TITUS
(flustered)
Who the HELL are you talking to?!

DOUG
The same people you delivered your
opening monologue slash montage to
at the beginning of the film,
idiot.

Titus and Doug look directly at the camera. Doug gives a
knowing wave.

DOUG
Okay, the time we are in now is
two weeks from now. Marissa is
back at school. What do you think
she's doing now?

TITUS
Excelling at school. Partying with
her cool friends. Hooking up with
(MORE)

74.

TITUS (cont'd)
guys far superior to me in every
way?

INT. MARISSA'S DORM ROOM - DAY

Titus and Doug stand off against a wall in Marissa's room.
She is flipping through a photo album with pictures of her
and Titus, and crying.

DOUG
Yes, you're exactly right.

TITUS
We'll, we're still freshly broken
up at this point. I'm sure she'll
be over it soon.

DOUG
Let's see...

Doug snaps his fingers.

CUT TO:

INT. MARISSA'S DORM ROOM - DAY

Titus and Doug standing in the same place, Marissa still
sobbing in bed, but wearing different clothes. A title card
reads "Two Weeks Later..."

DOUG
O for two, buddy.

TITUS
I don't get it. One thing I've
come to realize is that I am, in
fact, an asshole. I'm sure of
that, and I accept it. Why would
she possibly be so upset about
losing me?

DOUG
Titus, yes, you're a jerk. But
deep down, you are still a nice
(MORE)

75.

DOUG (cont'd)
guy. You just have forgotten how
to show it. And, two answer your
question, it's that good guy deep
inside you that Marissa still
loves. And make no mistake about
it, it's real love. When you lose
real love, it's not something you
just "get over". But I still sense
that you don't believe me. Maybe
this will change your mind.

CUT TO:

INT. FRAT PARTY - NIGHT

A typical college frat party. A bunch of preppy looking
dudes and scantily clad girls mill around, drinking. Titus
and Doug stand in the midst of this.

TITUS
Okay, where's Marissa?

DOUG
Look over there.

Doug points towards a corner where Marissa sits, nursing a
beer and not looking particularly enthused about being
there.

TITUS
She doesn't look all that thrilled
to be here.

DOUG
Probably because she isn't. She's
only here because a couple of her
friends dragged her here to dig
herself out of the funk she's been
in since you two split up. Here,
check this out.

Doug motions towards Marissa again. A typical preppy looking
frat boy approaches Marissa.

76.

FRAT BOY
(full of himself)
It�s midnight. Look at the clock,
one hand has met the other hand,
they kiss, isn�t that wonderful.

A title card flashes, "SINCEREST APOLOGIES TO ERNST
LUBITSCH".

            MARISSA
      (drunken and
       sobbing)
Oh my god, when I started dating
Titus one night we were sitting
around the diner with some friends
and we were telling jokes and
Titus was telling bad pick up
lines and he recited that whole
speech from the boat scene in
Willy Wonka and he made me laugh
so much oh God do I miss him!

The frat boy looks around awkwardly and sneaks away as
Marissa is crying in her hands.

DOUG
See: you're always on her mind.
Now that you're not together, she
thinks about you nonstop.

TITUS
Yeah, but she can't do this
forever, can she?

DOUG
Let me ask you something: would
you describe Marissa as being
smart?

TITUS
Yeah, she's very smart. She was
salutatorian when we graduated
high school.

DOUG
Then let me show you this.

77.

Doug snaps his fingers again.

INT. MARISSA'S DORM ROOM - NIGHT

Titus and Doug are again back in Marissa's dorm room. Doug
motions towards a desk in the corner.

DOUG
Take a look at that paper, there.

Titus walks over to the desk and picks up what appears to be
a term paper. We see a close up shot of Titus' hands holding
the paper. Written in red across the top is "D- Well below
your normal standard".

DOUG
She's so preoccupied it's making
her schoolwork suffer.

TITUS
Come on, everyone has writes a bad
paper every now and then.

DOUG
Titus, look at paragraph three on
page four.

Titus ruffles through the pages for a moment, then stops to
examine what is on the page.

TITUS
...but even in my worst papers I
never called Alexander Hamilton a
"cocksucker".

DOUG
Paragraph four, page six...

Titus shuffles the papers again.

TITUS
We the purple? What the hell is
that?

78.

DOUG
This isn't just bullshitting and
getting a bad grade on one paper.
It's become an epidemic for her.
But even this kinda stuff is small
potatoes compared to what else
she'll end up getting herself
into.

TITUS
I really don't wanna see
anymore...

DOUG
You've come this far, Titus. We're
almost done. You can make it
through this.

TITUS
Alright, let's just do whatever
the hell we've gotta do.

DOUG
Excellent. To the O'Donnelmobile!

EXT. DELILAH'S DEN - NIGHT

Titus' car pulls into the parking lot of Delilah's Den, a
strip club. Titus and Doug step out of the car and stand in
the parking lot. Titus throws the remnants of a cigarette
onto the ground.

TITUS
Not that I'm complaining, but why
the hell are we at a tittie bar?

DOUG
You'll see. Come on, we've gotta
head around back.

CUT TO:

The back of the bar. There is a door, marked "DANCER'S
ENTRANCE". Titus and Doug come around the corner. Titus is
going through his wallet.

79.

DOUG
What the hell are you doing?

TITUS
Shit, I don't have any singles.

DOUG
Knock it off, we're here for a
reason.

TITUS
(smugly)
Oh, I've been here a few times,
it's ALWAYS for a reason.

DOUG
Stop thinking with your cock, here
comes Marissa.

This gets Titus' attention. He looks up to the back door of
the bar, and sees Marissa coming outside, wearing a
sweatsuit. She looks around, and, apparently realizing her
ride isn't th ere yet, she forlornly sits down on the steps
and lights a cigarette, then pulls out a cellphone.

MARISSA
(into phone)
Hey, Shannon...yeah, where are
you? Okay...yeah, I punched out a
little early...some dickhead threw
a beer all over me. No, I'm
alright. Yeah....okay, I'll see
you in a few minutes.

Marissa puts her cell phone back into the purse. She then
hangs her head down in obvious shame. Titus turns to Doug,
obviously shaken.

TITUS
(shaken up)
She's...stripping?

DOUG
She needed the money.

80.

TITUS
Why?

DOUG
To pay the rent.

TITUS
What rent? She lives with her
parents.

DOUG
Not since they kicked her out of
the house.

TITUS
Why would they do that?

DOUG
They were pissed after she flunked
out of Middlesex.

TITUS
Middlesex? Marissa doesn't go to
Middlesex, she goes to Rutgers.

DOUG
No.

TITUS
No?

DOUG
No.

TITUS
Why no?

DOUG
Because.

TITUS
Because of what?

DOUG
Because she flunked out of there.

81.

A shaken up Titus takes a seat on the hood of his car.

TITUS
(shaken up)
So, Marissa got kicked out of
Rutgers, went to Middlesex,
flunked out of there, and got
kicked out of the house. Now she's
stripping to pay the rent.

DOUG
You got it, chief.

TITUS
How'd she flunk out of Rutgers?
She's so smart...

Doug takes a seat next to Titus on the car hood.

DOUG
Because after she started flunking
exams and papers, she got
extremely discouraged. She stopped
going to class. She was drinking
heavily. Her GPA dropped to below
rock bottom. Rutgers has fairly
decent academic standards, so they
sent her packing.

Titus exhales slowly.

TITUS
At least she's making decent
money.

DOUG
Actually, she's barely scraping
by.

TITUS
I thought strippers made some
pretty good coin.

            DOUG
      (changing the
       subject)
            (MORE)

82.

DOUG (cont'd)
Titus, we've got one place left to
go. But it's going to be the
hardest thing we've done yet. I
need to give you fair warning:
this is going to make your
Grandpa's funeral seem like an
episode of Chip and Dale's Rescue
Rangers. You ready?

TITUS
I'm as ready as I've been all day.

DOUG
Okay, here we go.

Doug snaps his fingers.

CUT TO:

INT. LADIES ROOM - NIGHT

Titus and Doug are now magically in a dirty, grimy ladies
room. They seem to be the only people in the room.

TITUS
A ladies room? This is the big
climax? There's not even anyone
else in here.

DOUG
Are you sure about that?

TITUS
Well, yeah.

DOUG
Take a look around.

Titus checks around the bathroom, eventually noticing some
feet on the ground in one of the stalls. The person inside
seems to be kneeling.

83.

TITUS
Oh, okay, there's some chick on
her hands amd knees puking in here
too. My mistake.

DOUG
Oh yeah? Well, go check her out.

TITUS
Come on, man, that's disgusting.

DOUG
Look, just take a peek inside.

TITUS
Alright, alright.

Titus steps into a stall adjacent to the one where the girl
on her knees is. He steps up onto the toilet seat, and looks
down into the stall where the girl is.

TITUS
(shattered)
Oh...God...no...

Cut to a shot above Titus' shoulder down into the stall. We
see Marissa on her knees. There are lines of white powder,
presumably cocaine, on the toilet seat. She is holding a
straw in her fingers. A door is heard slamming in the
distance. Marissa reacts by looking around fearfully.
Frantically, she scoops the coke into a baggie and pockets
it. The residue on the toilet seat she quickly swipes into
the bowl, which she flushes. She then rushes out of the
stall. Cut back to the shot where we originally saw Titus
and Doug in the bathroom. Titus is stepping off the toilet
in the stall and walks outside to where Doug is standing.
Before he is out of the stall, Marissa quickly darts past
the camera and out of the bathroom. a think stream of blood
pouring out of her nostrils. Titus quickly rushes out of the
stall and after Marissa. Doug gives chase quickly.

DOUG
(shouting)
Titus, wait!

84.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - NIGHT

Titus and Doug are walking through a hallway in some sort of
school building. Titus is frantically looking in each door
he passes, trying to find Marissa.

TITUS
(resolute)
Where the fuck are we?

DOUG
Middlesex County College. Marissa
was stopping here to pick up her
roommate, but a craving hit her.
She ducked in here to do a couple
lines.

TITUS
God damn it.

DOUG
She's out of the building and
halfway across the quad by now.
Even if you did catch up with her,
you can't do anything here. You're
immaterial.

TITUS
(anguished)
Fuck!

EXT. RARITAN HALL - NIGHT

The front door to a building on the campus of a community
college opens up violently, knocking some poor nerd down and
sending his papers flying. Titus strides quickly out behind
the open door, Doug right behind him.

DOUG
Titus, wait!

TITUS
(anguished)
Shut the fuck up! I didn't want
this, I didn't want any of this!

85.

DOUG
Titus, you've gotta realize...

TITUS
Shut up! Listen, I love Marissa, I
do! But I there's no hope for us!
I know I'm miserable without her,
but I'm prepared to accept that!
But she's gonna fuck her whole
life over and theres nothing I can
do to stop it!

Titus stops dead in his tracks and turns quickly and
violently towards Doug. He begins to scream at Doug, and is
obviously not thinking straight.

TITUS
This is all your fault! I'd be
able to live with myself if you
hadn't fucking come around! I'd be
miserable, but I wouldn't have all
this shit on my fucking
conscience!

DOUG
Titus, listen...

TITUS
(screaming)
No, you fucking listen! I've spent
this day being shown what a
terrible fucking asshole I am, and
how I'm going to ruin someone I
love's life because of it! I'm
sick of it! This shit can't be my
fault! It isn't! It can't be!

DOUG
Titus...

Titus leans his head against a tree, and kicks it, yelling:

TITUS
(anguished)
GOD DAMN IT!

86.

DOUG
Look, Titus...

TITUS
(angry again)
Fuck you! This isn't happening to
Marissa!

DOUG
It doesn't HAVE to, Titus.

TITUS
Son of a bitch! It's all my fault!

87.

DOUG
It doesn't HAVE to be, Titus!
Look, this is a worst case
scenario. This doesn't have to
happen. You can still change
what's going to happen! Look, I've
watched you for awhile now, Titus.
I've seen how you operate. You're
many things, Titus, and you CAN be
a stone cold bastard. You also
have an inferiority complex the
size of Texas. For the last few
years, anything bad that happens,
you'll kill yourself over. But you
won't let anyone know how you
feel. You hold it in. You'll hold
it in until you explode. And, in
this case, yes, I know that you'd
be willing to let Marissa go.
You're willing to live the rest of
your life wallowing in the muck of
self-pity rather than go out and
admit to Marissa that you were
wrong. You'll regret what you did
until the day you die, but you
aren't totally heartless, because
as much as you'll hate yourself,
you won't let Marissa feel the
same way. As selfish as you can
be, you'll selflessly try to save
her if you think she's going to
live the rest of HER life
regretting what happened.

Titus continues to lean up against the tree, shaking. He is
barely in control of his emotions.

TITUS
(slowly)
So...if I let Marissa go...if I
don't go back to make things
right...and this happens...it's my
fault?

Titus turns to look at Doug. They glare at each other for

88.

several uncomfortable moments. Doug doesn't respond to
Titus' question. His lack of response essentially answers
the question for Titus.

TITUS
(cold rage)
Motherfucker.

Titus charges at Doug and throws a wild punch with all the
strength he has in his body. Doug catches Titus' fist before
it even comes close. Titus breaks down at Doug's feet,
sobbing.

TITUS
(through tears)
I just...wanted to be
strong...like my grandpa raised me
to be...

Doug takes a seat on the grass next to Titus.

DOUG
(comforting)
Yes, he wanted you to be strong.
But being strong...being a man
doesn't mean bottling everything
up until you explode. He didn't
raise you to be an emotionless
robot, alienating everyone who
cared about him. Titus, look at
me.

Titus looks up at Doug.

DOUG
I didn't raise you to be like
THIS.

Titus is shocked at this revelation.

TITUS
Guh...Grandpa?

DOUG
It's me you jackanapes.

Doug and Titus embrace warmly.

89.

TITUS
Why didn't you tell me?

DOUG
(chuckling)
Look at me, you idiot. Would you
have believed me? Do I look like a
seventy-five year old man? Like I
said earlier, you're a child of
the nineties. You speak the
language of pop culture. I
couldn't hook you in without
developing a funny backstory. For
God's sake, you were reciting
entire episodes of Charles In
Charge when you were six! You were
impresonating Alf when the other
kids were playing cowboys and
Indians!

Titus chuckles a bit.

DOUG
Look, this Marissa...you love each
other, but you're too stubborn to
admit you were wrong. A girl like
that comes along about once in a
millenia. Believe me, I know, I've
looked. Fix things, you're better
off together. Both of you.

TITUS
How can I do that, Grandpa? I
think I pretty well burned my
bridges there. I just don't think
there's any hope for us...

DOUG
A very wise man once said, "Where
there's life, there's hope".

TITUS
Who said that? Descartes?
Hemmingway? Gandhi?

90.

DOUG
Close. John Lennon. The hows, I
can't really help you with, but
lemme give you one little hint:
Lynn in Detroit came out of her
coma twenty minutes after you
dropped Marissa off last night.
Marissa's had a rough day, she'll
wanna blow off some steam tonight.
And I believe theres an Anal
Fissure show tonight at Starland.
Hrmph, Anal Fissure. When I was
your age, we were all up in arms
about Elvis shaking his hips, now
you're hanging out with a band
named after a hideous butt
disorder...

TITUS
I think I've had an epiphany.

DOUG
Not in public, son.

TITUS
You know what I mean. I've got a
plan. But I need to get back to
the present.

Titus rises to his feet, Doug follows.

DOUG
Good thing, I need to get back to
heaven. I've got a date with an
Andrews sister.

TITUS
Which one?

DOUG
All of them.

Doug makes the universally accepted signal for cunnilingus.
Titus is mildly repulsed.

91.

TITUS
Grandpa!

DOUG
Don't act so innocent! I remember
that time I snuck in on you
playing Dead Or Alive for XBox
naked.

TITUS
That was stricly for reasearch
purposes!

Beat.

DOUG
Titus, since I've been dead, I've
explored all of human history.
I've seen all our wars, all our
defeats, all our victories, all
our sadness, all our joy, all the
colossal mistakes we as a race
have made. In all that time, in
all my journeys, that is, beyond a
shadow of a doubt, the STUPIDEST
excuse I've EVER heard!

TITUS
I love you too, Grandpa.

Titus and Doug share a final warm embrace.

TITUS
I'll see you again someday, right?

DOUG
As long as you remember to ixnay
the urdermay and aperay.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. TITUS' BEDROOM - DAY

Titus is back in his bedroom, just as he left it and at the

92.

time when he left it, so long ago. He roots through his
stuff, and eventually finds his cellphone under a pile of
dirty clothes and empty beer cans. He dials a number.

TITUS
Come on, come on, pick up, pick
up...hey, Randy, what's up? Yeah,
yeah...look, I've got a fairly
huge favor to ask you.

EXT. STARLAND BALLROOM - NIGHT

A nightclub/concert hall in suburban New Jersey. The parking
lot is crowded, and the marquee reads
SATURDAY: LOCAL ROUNDUP FEATURING ANAL FISSURE
SUNDAY: ASBESTOS CLEANUP

INT. STARLAND - NIGHT

Interior of the nightclub. People dance as an emo band
finishes up their set. Tight shot of the emo singer: skinny,
bespectacled, wearing massive amounts of argyle. He finishes
his song.

            EMO KID
      (high pitched
       singing)
And that's the story of why I
regret every single moment of my
life up until right now!

The song finishes, and the emo kid buries his head in his
hands, sobbing. The emcee of the show gives the emo kid a
reassuring hug and escorts him off stage.

93.

EMCEE
And that was The View From In My
Locker, ladies and gents! Give
them a hand. That
was...umm...inspiring. Okay, we're
going to have an intermission
right about now. I need to piss
like a racehorse, and if I catch
any of you teenyboppers in the
bathroom washing the "x" off your
hands, I'll break you.

The emcee walks away from the mic, and can be heard
muttering:

EMCEE
(under his breath)
Fucking kids.

Camera pans over to the entrace to the club. Titus walks in,
looks around, and notices Marissa out of the corner of his
eye. Panicked, he leaps behind over a wall that goes up to
about waist level, seperating the bar area from the floor.
Jerry, Trace, and Randy, all members of Anal Fissure, are
standing there. Jerry puts a shot glass down on top of the
wall after Titus lands.

TRACE
Fucking smooth, man.

TITUS (O.C.)
The element of surprise is
essential to pulling this off.

JERRY
And the element of looking like a
boob is just a side effect, huh?

RANDY
You wanna head backstage now?

TITUS (O.C.)
Shut up.

94.

TITUS (O.C.)
Do you have any liquid courage
back there?

JERRY
No.

TITUS (O.C.)
Is that a shot of J.D. I see on
the wall up there?

JERRY
Yeah.

Titus' arm reaches up and grabs the shot glass. Seconds
later, Titus pops up and drops the now empty glass on the
wall.

TITUS
Let's roll.

Titus walks off with Jerry, Randy, and Trace.

INT. STARLAND BAR - NIGHT

Marissa sits at the bar, nursing a drink. She is looking for
some sort of release after the events of the last few days,
but isn't exactly sure she wants to be there. Jerry, Trace,
and Randy approach Marissa.

TRACE
Penny for your thoughts?

Marissa turns to acknowledge the guys.

MARISSA
Hey, guys. What's up?

JERRY
We heard about your friend Lynn.
I'm glad she's gonna be okay.

MARISSA
So am I.

95.

RANDY
And, look, we heard about what
happened with you and Titus, too.
Don't be too harsh on him. I mean,
we all know he's a jerk, but don't
be too hard on him.

MARISSA
(flash of anger)
Look, Titus is lucky I didn't
punch him in the damn face last
night.

TRACE
Hey, put the claws away, kittie.

JERRY
Look, I know we're friends with
Titus, but we're you're friends
too. Don't think you can't count
on us, even if you are pissed at
Titus.

            MARISSA
      (genuinely
       appreciative)
I know. That does mean a lot to
me. Thanks guys.

RANDY
And don't be too hard on Titus. I
know he feels awful about what
happened.

MARISSA
(sarcastic)
I'm sure.

JERRY
You never know. Titus can surprise
you sometimes.

MARISSA
Believe me, at this point, NOTHING
would surprise me about Titus
O'Donnell.

96.

JERRY
Don't be so sure. Anyway, we've
gotta go get ready for our set.
Remember, if you need anything,
don't forget about us.

TRACE
GROUP HUG!

Trace, Randy, and Jerry envelop Marissa in a group hug. This
finally cheers her up a bit.

MARISSA
Aww, I love you guys! Now go up on
stage and kick some ass!

The boys walk off. As they leave, Randy says:

RANDY
Will do. Thanks!

EXT. BACK OF STARLAND - NIGHT

Titus stands on a loading dock behind the club. He is
smoking a cigarette and doing vocal warmups.

            TITUS
      (voice cracking as
       he sings)
Mee...ahem...me mi mi me mi mi
mo...damn, I suck...cockles and
mussels, live, alive oh!

Jerry walks out next to Titus.

JERRY
Terrible, man. Just fucking
terrible.

TITUS
Shut your face.

97.

JERRY
I've got a question for you, it's
been bugging me ever since you
called me this afternoon.

TITUS
What is it?

JERRY
When you told me you and Marissa
split last night, you sounded
pretty emphatic that you didn't
want to get back together with
her. Now, you're going to extreme
lengths to get her back. What's
the deal?

TITUS
I was just a little emotional last
night. And I wasn't THAT emphatic.

JERRY
You used the term "slack cunted"
to describe her. That sounds
pretty emphatic to me.

TITUS
Alright, alright, if you must
know, I've been...contemplating is
the best word for it. I've been
reflecting all day and I realize
what went wrong with us.

JERRY
What prompted that, though? Some
sort of divine intervention?

Titus takes Jerry by the collar.

TITUS
(emphatic)
HOW DID YOU KNOW?!

Jerry casts a blank stare at Titus. Titus realizes Jerry was
just kind of thinking aloud, and back away. He checks his
watch.

98.

TITUS
Boy! Look at the time! We've got
stuff to do!

Titus walks through the door and back into the club. Jerry
remains outside for a second, and mutters to himself as he
walks in the door.

JERRY
(muttering)
That's it. I'm not doing shrooms
before I hang out with Titus
anymore.

INT. STARLAND - NIGHT

Anal Fissure is on stage, rocking the party that rocks the
body. They're finishing up one of their hits, most likely
"Fucking You Is Fucking Awesome". They finish the tune, and
Jerry takes the mic.

JERRY
Alright, everyone, we've got a
special guest tonight. He's a
cousin of mine, he's from...where
the fuck you from, buddy?

A British voice, belonging to Ian, yells out from offstage:

IAN (O.C.)
Uckfield, East Sussex!

JERRY
Damn, I thought he was from
England. Anyway, he's here, he's
queer, he's my cousin, Ian
McHalstingworth! Get out here you
limey bastard!

Ian comes out on stage, looking to all the world like Billy
Idol did in the 1980s and still does: blonde spiked hair,
leather vest, fingerless gloves, black jeans and boots. He
takes the microphone from Jerry.

99.

IAN
Thanks for the intro, smeghead.
Alright, now I'm here because all
your American music is just a bag
of wank.

The crowd boos at this insult.

IAN
Oh sod off! Typical American
response, you all are as subtle as
a well throw brick! I swear,
you're all so barmy it makes me
laugh. Now then, I'm here to show
you how we rock acros the pond.

He turns and addresses the band.

IAN
Now don't cock it up! Fucking
dinnermashers!

Ian notices Marissa in the crowd.

IAN
(flirtatious)
Well, then, what have we here?
This is the fist yank girl I've
seen yet who isn't a total munter.
How about we go up to my place
after the show?

Marissa laughs good naturedly. Ian turns back to address the
band.

IAN
One-and-two-and-three-and-four-and

The band launches into the heaviest riff they've played yet.
This continues for about thirty seconds, then mellows out.
The band begins playing Debbie Boone's "You Light Up My
Life". Ian sings, badly.

            IAN
      (badly singing)
So many nights I sit by my
            (MORE)

100.

IAN (cont'd)
window/Waiting for someone to sing
me his song/So many dreams I kept
deep inside me/Alone in the dark
but now/You've come along/You
light up my life/You give me
hope/To carry on/You light up my
days/and fill my nights with
song...

Marissa stands in the crowd, completely befuddled. Abrubtly,
they stop playing Debbie Boone, and Jerry begins playing the
opening chords to the Jackson 5's "I Want You Back". As the
song progresses, Ian removes his wig and sunglasses,
revealing himself to be, in fact, Titus.

TITUS
(singing)
Uh-huh huh huh huh
Let me tell ya now
Uh-huh

Marissa's shock melts away, into a look of bemusement and
happiness.

TITUS
(singing)
When I had you to myself/I didn't
want you around/Those pretty faces
always made you stand out in a
crowd/But someone picked you from
the bunch/One glance was all it
took/Now it's much too late for
me/To take a second look

The band backs him on the chorus.

            TITUS AND ANAL FISSURE
      (singing)
Oh baby give me one more chance
(show you that I love you)
Won't you please let me
(back in your heart)
Oh darlin' I was blind to let you
go
(let you go girl)
            (MORE)

101.

TITUS AND ANAL FISSURE (cont'd)
But now since I see you in his
arms
(I want you back)
Yes I do now
(I want you back)
Ooh ooh baby
(I want you back)
Ya ya ya ya
(I want you back)
Na na na na

After they go through the chorus, Titus leaps from the
stage, and Jerry takes his place at the microphone,
finishing the song. Titus runs up to Marissa.

TITUS
Marissa, I love you. I'm sorry for
all the stupid crap I've put you
through. I'm sorry I never shared
my feelings with you. I'm sorry
I've been such an insensitive
asshole. Hell, let's just say I'm
sorry for the last two years. But
I love you, Marissa. Please,
please, don't let this be the end.

Titus drops onto his knees and clasps Marissa's hand.

TITUS
I love you, Marissa. Please take
me back. I want you back.

Titus and Marissa embrace each other passionately. Titus
looks briefly in the direction of the stage. Sitting on an
amp, he notices Doug, smiling widely. Titus gives him a
thumbs up, which Doug returns.

MARISSA
How did you become that sweet guy
I fell in love with again in just
a day?

TITUS
I had an angel on my shoulder.

102.

The scene moves into slow motion. We see as shot of Anal
Fissure. A title card reads:

ANAL FISSURE WAS SIGNED TO A LUCRATIVE RECORDING DEAL WITH
TOP FIVE RECORDS. THEY RELEASED ELEVEN MULTIPLATINUM,
CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED ALBUMS BEFORE BREAKING UP AFTER BEING
SUED BY MICHAEL JACKSON AND JERRY'S MARRIAGE TO A JAPANESE
PERFORMANCE ARTIST.

We now see a shot of Doug.

DOUG, KNOWN ON EARTH AS EUGENE A. MARLEY, BECAME A BIG WHEEL
IN HEAVEN. HE IS CURRENTLY AN ACCOUNTS PAYABLE SUPERVISOR,
AND IS NOW DATING MARILYN MONROE AND JAYNE MANSFIELD. AT THE
SAME TIME.

We now cut to a shot of the Emo Kid from earlier on in the
concert. His card reads:

THIS DUDE? HE WENT HOME, LISTENED TO WEEZER, MASTURBATED,
AND CRIED.

Now, a shot of the Sisquo Kid.

THE SISQUO KID MADE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS MARKETING EXERCISE
VIDEOS SET TO DRU HILL SONGS IN JAPAN. HE IS NOW WORTH AN
ESTIMATED 3.6 TRILLION YEN.

A shot of the Jackanapes, sitting at the bar, throwing back
shots in misery.

THE JACKANAPES, UPON FAILING TO TAKE TITUS' SOUL, RETURNED
TO HELL. SHE NOW SUCKLES SAND FROM THE LEATHERY TEATS OF
RAVANA FOR ALL ETERNITY.

The DJ from the party scene is shown.

THIS DUDE WAS SHOT BY P.DIDDY IN A NIGHTCLUB.

The shot now returns to Titus and Marissa, still locked in a
passionate embrace.

TITUS AND MARISSA ARE STILL TOGETHER. THEY ARE NOW MARRIED,
AND HAVE ELEVEN CHILDREN. THEY JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF EACH

103.
OTHER. They continue to embrace.

THE END

FADE OUT.

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