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Players & Jerks: Blind Revenge
by Dan Moreira (raydan1985@gmail.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***
It's a short about the main character going on a blind date. Everything is perfect about her but one thing. He disapproves of her and ends up getting beat up by her brother who after the fight takes his favorite watch. He asks for his roommate's help to get back at them and to retrieve the watch. Its a goofy story about trust between friends and the correct way of getting even.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
With HIGH TEMPO HIP-HOP playing in the background and
clothes everywhere in the room, DAVE is rushing to get ready
for his blind date in his steamed up bathroom. DAN storms
into the bedroom and violently turns off the stereo.
                                                            
                       DAN
      (Yelling)
What the hell are you doing bro?
I'm trying to watch anime.
                                                            
                       DAVE (O.C)
Why? You know that the
spiky-haired guy is going to
power-up for like two episodes and
then kick everyones ass.
                                                            
                       DAN
      (Annoyed)
So, maybe I like watching guys
powering-up and kicking each
others....Look that's not the
point.
      (Calming down)
Where are you going?
                                                            
Dave emerges from the bathroom.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Well one of my boys apparently
hooked me up with this chick.
                                                            
Dave sees his favorite gold watch on the dresser, slips it
on and admires it with a kiss. Then spins around in a very
stylish manner.
                                                            
                       DAVE
How do I look? Sexy right?
                                                            
                       DAN
      (Impressed)
Very.
      (Concerned)
But you're going to meet this
girl? Have you seen a picture of
her? How well does your friend
know her well?
                                                            

2.

                       DAVE
I know she owns a bar with her
brother and besides, that's what a
blind date is all about bro...It's
about meeting that mysterious
lady. Don't you find that a
little sexy.
                                                            
Heading towards the living room to take a seat on the sofa.
                                                            
                       DAN
NO! Because that mysterious lady
of yours is probably not sexy at
all. She probably has bad breath,
non-shaved legs, ugly toes, or
jacked teeth or maybe a cock
bigger than yours even.
      (Concerned)
Listen bro, I'll be here to fix
whatever mess you get into...Trust
me.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (Reassuring)
I won't need you to because
everything will be fine. Trust
me.
                                                            
 
EXT. FRONT DOOR OF HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
Approaching nervously towards his date's front door in a
nice middle class suburban neighborhood with pink roses at
hand, David gives himself a pep talk.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (Quietly)
Come on Palumbo, you got this. Dan
is only jealous that you're going
on a date with a sexy chick while
he's home watching sweaty,
shirtless men fighting each other
to save the world....What a loser.
                                                            
While making final adjustments to his attire, checking his
breath, fixing his hair, and straightening his eyebrows with
his licked index and pinky fingers, he RINGS the door bell
reluctantly.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (Whispers)
What if she's not hot? Dammit
Dan. Screw it. There's no
looking back.
            (MORE)

3.

                       DAVE (cont'd)
      (Nervously
       Whispers)
Please be hot, please be hot, oh
please be hot.
                                                            
A female voice answers the call of the door bell.
                                                            
                       KATIE (O.C)
Hey, you must be Dave. Im KATIE.
Come on in.
                                                            
The door cracks open very ominously right before Dave's hand
touches the knob. He hears wet footsteps scurry off and he
enters the house reluctantly.
                                                            
                       KATIE (O.C)
I'm so sorry that I'm not ready
yet. I got caught up in a
conversation with my brother.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (Clearing throat)
Its okay. I'm sorry that I'm on
time.
                                                            
                       KATIE
Ha. You're funny. Give me a sec.
                                                            
Suddenly Dave's pocket vibrates. He reaches into it to pull
out his phone to read a text message that Dan sent. CLOSE ON
text message: BRO, DONT WORRY ABOUT A THING. B URSELF. I
GOT UR BACK. Feeling relieved, Dave places his phone back
in his pocket. He stands confidently and hears Dan
insulting him and in the back of his head. With a quick
jolt he looks behind him.
                                                            
                       KATIE (O.C)
Hey! What are you doing? Close
the Door.
                                                            
In a flash Dave closes the front door and turns around very
slowly to see his mysterious blind date coming down the
stairs. With every footstep Dave's becomes more tense.
Halfway through the staircase reveals a beautiful Katie with
long slender legs, smooth tanned skin, and beautiful
brunette hair.
                                                            
                       KATIE
Hi David. It's really exciting to
meet you.
                                                            

4.

                       DAVE
Oh no ma'am. I'm excited to meet
you. Here these are for you.
                                                            
Dave hands Katie the pink roses followed by a handsome
smile, and while doing so, he carefully scans of his date's
appearance as they make they're way to the door. Then
approves it with a pelvic thrust and two step out the door.
                                                            
                       KATIE
Oh thank you, I love pink roses.
So where are we going?
                                                            
 
INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT
                                                            
Dave and Katie enters a quiet restaurant with romantic low
light setting. The host seats the two in a booth.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I hope you don't mind Italian? Not
only is it my favorite place, but
it's the best place around.
                                                            
                       KATIE
It's quite the place, very
romantic.
                                                            
                       DAVE
So Katie, what do you do?
                                                            
                       KATIE
I'm a part owner of a Irish Pub.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Oh wow, that's cool. So what
other things should I know about
you?
                                                            
                       KATIE
Well if I'm not at work, I enjoy
watching movies, reading, you
know, girly stuff.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Come on, I'm sure you have an
adventurous bone in your body.
                                                            
As Katie alluringly bites her bottom lip.
                                                            
                       KATIE
Maybe a little.
                                                            

5.

An abrupt THUD as Dave collect himself.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Well I'm sure you have some good
stories or even some jokes to
tell.
                                                            
                       KATIE
Well maybe I have a couple up my
sleeve.
                                                            
Katie cautiously scans the room and leans forward. Then Dave
also leans forward.
                                                            
                       KATIE
      (Softly)
What do you say when you see your
TV floating at night?
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (Softly)
What?
                                                            
                                         MONTAGE
                                                            
Katie takes a big gulp of her wine and cautiously looks
around again.
                                                            
                       KATIE
      (Excited)
Drop it nig...
                                                            
In a state of shock, David waves his hands in a panic.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (Interrupts)
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. I
don't wanna get shot tonight. My
turn. Have you heard of the pink
sock?
                                                            
Katie's mouth drops in shock and places her hand over it.
                                                            
                       KATIE
Oh my God, why would anybody hit
their partner with a frying pan
during sex? Did you hear about
the lady that wanted her small
boobs bigger?
                                                            
Dave cracks a smile and winks.
                                                            

6.

                       DAVE
Between the tits huh? Who knew
that toilet paper makes asses
bigger. What about the blind man
and his guide-dog?
                                                            
Swaying a little bit as she sits, Katie takes another gulp
of wine and smiles.
                                                            
                       KATIE
Swinging the dog over his head to
look around, priceless. Did you
hear about an atheist professor
disproving God?
                                                            
Dave nods his head and laughs.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I guess the linebacker proved that
God is real.
                                                            
                                         END MONTAGE
                                                            
 
INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT - ONE HOUR LATER - NIGHT
                                                            
After a few more glasses of wine, they really start to look
at each other seductively.
                                                            
                       DAVE
See, I knew you had jokes.
                                                            
                       KATIE
      (Jokingly)
Of course, but you forgot to tell
me that you're really not that
funny.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Not funny huh. I got a good one
for you.
                                                            
Katie looks at Dave with seductive eyes and leans forward.
                                                            
                       KATIE
      (Seductively)
Oh Yeah. Tell me.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (Cracking a Smile)
You know what space docking is?
                                                            

7.

                       KATIE
No, but I'm sure that I'm going to
find out.
                                                            
As Dave demonstrates using two glass cups and a napkin.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Space docking is when a
non-circumcised guy touches tip to
tip with a circumcised guy and
folds his foreskin over the
circumcised penis.
                                                            
Katie looks at Dave with a jaw dropped straight face. She
begins to laugh to herself and then it builds. As Dave
watchs her laugh he becomes disgusted with her due to her
loud, ugly, high pitched annoying laugh.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (Embarrassed)
Yo. It wasn't all that funny.
                                                            
 
EXT. KATIE'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT
                                                            
A laughing Katie and an embarrassed Dave exits the car
walking towards Katie's front door. Dave follows Katie with
distance while looking around to see if anyone is watching.
                                                            
                       KATIE
      (Slurred Laughing)
You don't understand Dave. That
was so freaking funny.
                                                            
                       DAVE
No it wasn't.
                                                            
                       KATIE
You're right.
      (Shouting)
It was freaking hilarious.
      (Slurring)
Hey, I want to see you again.
                                                            
                       DAVE
What?
                                                            
                       KATIE
      (Slurred Shouting)
I want to see you again.
                                                            
                       DAVE
What? No. No way.
                                                            

8.

                       KATIE
What, why? Don't you think I'm
sexy.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Not anymore. You're a goofy drunk
with a horrible laugh. I mean
seriously, your laugh made me
soft.
      (Awkward Pause)
Well, stay black.
                                                            
In relief, Dave turns around and begins walking towards his
car.
                                                            
                       KATIE
      (Slurred Shouting)
Hey, screw you. I'm telling
PATRICK.
                                                            
Katie storms inside SLAMMING the door. Then immediately
opens the door again poking just her head out.
                                                            
                       KATIE
      (Shouting)
Bitch! My brother is going to
fuck you Up!
                                                            
Dave drives to the end of Katie's street. Greeting him is a
big ferocious man staring at him.
                                                            
                       PATRICK
      (Pointing Angrily)
Hey. You David Palumbo?
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (Confused)
What's it to you?
                                                            
                       PATRICK
I heard you called my sister fat
and ugly. I also heard that you
said that she can't read good. Now
you're going to taste a size 14
pretty boy.
                                                            
Still confused, Dave gets out the car and walks towards
Patrick. And with every step Patrick notices that Dave
becomes more uneasy.
                                                            

9.

                       DAVE
      (Nervously Smiles)
Sir listen. There seems to be a
big...
                                                            
Dave sizing up Patrick and a state of panic came over him.
                                                            
                       DAVE
No. Huge misunderstanding.
                                                            
                       PATRICK
Oh no. I understand. I
understand that Pretty Boy Dave is
getting a size 14 up his ass.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Whoa what? I thought that Dave
was going to taste that.
                                                            
And without word. Patrick begins to pummel Dave. Slamming
him onto Dave's car, slapping him in the face, and elbow
dropping him. When Patrick finishes, he sees Dave's nice
expensive watch so he takes it, walks away, and leave him
for dead.
                                                            
 
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
                                                            
As Dan QUIETLY drinks a mimosa and reads the morning
newspaper, the front door SLAMS open as Dave rushes into the
apartment in a panic looking really beat up with ripped up
clothes and bruises all over his body and face.
                                                            
                       DAN
Yo. Bro. What happened? She's a
freak huh?
                                                            
                       DAVE
You were right. I should of
listened. Now I don't have my
watch.
                                                            
                       DAN
What, your favorite watch that
your mom gave you?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Yes, that's the one!
                                                            

10.

                       DAN
So what happened? You told Katie
that she was fat and ugly, and she
got someone to kick your ass and
in return stole your watch.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (Annoyed)
NO! Some huge guy came out of
nowhere and jacked my watch.
                                                            
                       DAN
So he beat you up for your watch.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Look, I didn't get beat up okay.
Some guy just jacked my shit.
                                                            
A RINGING from Dave's cell phone interrupts the guys'
conversation.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Hello?
      (Pauses)
I want my watch back.
                                                            
                       DAN
      (Whispers)
Is that the dude that kicked your
ass.
                                                            
Dave shakes his head no and signals Dan to be quiet.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Oh Yeah? Is that right? I'll see
you there fuck stain.
                                                            
Dave angrily flips his phone shut.
                                                            
                       DAN
That was him huh?
                                                            
                       DAVE
That was Patrick, Katie's older
brother; he's the guy that stole
my watch and I'm going to get it
back.
                                                            
                       DAN
What, mic check. You mean Patrick
Fitzpatrick the owner of that
Irish Pub called Fitz.
                                                            

11.

                       DAVE
Yeah.
                                                            
                       DAN
You were on a date with a
Fitzpatrick?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Yeah. What? How do you know so
much?
                                                            
                       DAN
I don't. I only drive by the bar
from time to time.
                                                            
                       DAVE
But you knew their names.
                                                            
                       DAN
Because their names are on the
front glass of the bar...ass.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Look whatever. Im going to Fitz
to get my damn watch back.
                                                            
Dave storms out the apartment. Dan watches him from a
window as Dave jumps into his car and peels out.
                                                            
 
INT. APARTMENT - HOURS LATER - DAY
                                                            
Dave drives back. He enters the apartment looking even
worse than before and collapses onto the living room floor
in front of Dan while he is watching TV.
                                                            
                       DAN
So? Did you get your watch?
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (Depressed)
No.
                                                            
                       DAN
Would you like my help?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Yes.
                                                            
                       DAN
Okay. But first answer me this.
Did Patrick kick your ass nasty
style?
                                                            

12.

Dave looks up at Dan in an annoyed fashion.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I fell.
                                                            
                       DAN
Sweet, let's suit up.
                                                            
 
EXT. IN FRONT OF FITZ - NIGHT
                                                            
The bars on the street are closing shop. Drunk people
staggering around looking for their cars. And while wearing
all black as if they were commandos, Dave and Dan sneaks
around cars, mailboxes, and drunk people as they advance to
the Pub while Dave is carrying a big full black duffle bag.
                                                            
                       DAVE
You think we don't stand out?
                                                            
                       DAN
Nope. Its nighttime and we're
wearing all black. Plus everyone
is drunk.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Of course, of course. But what's
in this thing? I seriously don't
understand why we need a big ass
bag.
                                                            
                       DAN
Look, you want my help or not?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Yeah but, I just don't under...
                                                            
                       DAN
      (Interrupts)
Understand what? My genesis? It's
not like its heavy right? Just
shut up and let's do this. My
plans are always on point.
                                                            
The two makes it across the street from Fitz.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Ok we're here. What now?
                                                            
                       DAN
We go into the alley and break
into the side door.
                                                            

13.

The two cross the street and advance towards the side door
of the bar in the alley. They reach the door and Dan PATS
his pockets looking for his lock pick set. He finally finds
them in his chest pocket and reveals it to Dave with a smile
and starts to pick the lock.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Hey. Where did you get those?
                                                            
                       DAN
I made them.
                                                            
                       DAVE
How do you know how to make lock
picks?
                                                            
                       DAN
Youtube.
                                                            
The door unlocks signaling with a CLICK.
                                                            
                       DAN
We're in.
                                                            
 
INT. INSIDE FITZ - NIGHT
                                                            
Dave and Dan walks inside and begins to browse around the
pub. Dave walks into the office while Dan goes behind the
bar.
                                                            
                       DAN
Remember we're here for two
reasons.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Getting my watch back.
      (Confused)
And what else?
                                                            
                       DAN
Revenge for Patrick kicking your
ass.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (Annoyed)
For the last time Daniel. He did
not kick my ass.
                                                            
                       DAN
      (Smiling)
Okay.
                                                            

14.

                       DAVE
Remember we're here for my watch
so no stealing money.
                                                            
Dave hears CLINGING of bottles.
                                                            
                       DAN (O.C)
No problem.
                                                            
                       DAVE
What are you doing? I thought I
said no stealing.
                                                            
Dan stands up while stuffing his backpack with liquor
bottles.
                                                            
                       DAN
You said no stealing of money. So
I figure, steal booze. Because
college kids loves booze. And if
booze is reported stolen, the heat
will think it was college kids.
                                                            
                       DAVE
That's smart. Okay, take more.
                                                            
                       DAN
Sweet.
                                                            
Dan hides behind the bar again and finds a discovery.
                                                            
                       DAN
Hey, David. I found your watch.
                                                            
                       DAVE
You did? Pass it here.
                                                            
Dan stands up from behind the bar throws Dave his watch and
puts the backpack on. He then climbs over the bar breaking
glassware.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Holy crap man can you make anymore
noise?
                                                            
                       DAN
Sorry Dave. I don't know what
came over me.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Its cool. Alrighty lets go.
                                                            

15.

The two begins to head out the side door and with every
footstep, Dan's liquor bottle filled backpack makes a LOUD
CLINGING noise.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Are you serious?
                                                            
                       DAN
      (Confused)
What?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Are you serious? You're making
noise. That's it, you can't have
the booze.
                                                            
                       DAN
What, oh come on David. You
agreed that it was a great idea.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Yeah, but I didn't think you'll be
making noise like that. I thought
you were smarter than that.
                                                            
                       DAN
You know that hurts man. But
seriously, that's fine. I'll
leave the booze here. But if you
ever what to drink, just remember
that its your fault that we don't
have any.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Are you done? Can we go?
                                                            
Dan takes off the backpack, opens it and turns it
upside-down making the contents of the bag fall and break.
Once the backpack becomes empty, Dan puts it back on, looks
at Dave with a straight face, shakes his head slowly and
walks out of Fitz with Dave following behind.
                                                            
 
EXT. IN FRONT OF FITZ - NIGHT
                                                            
As the two walk into the alley, Dan snatches the big black
duffle bag from Dave, kneels down to open it.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Wait. I thought we were here for
two reasons. My watch and
revenge. Where's the revenge?
                                                            

16.

Dan stands up to reveal to Dave what was in the bag.
                                                            
                       DAVE
You're joking right?
                                                            
As Dan holds a toilet paper roll in his hand.
                                                            
                       DAN
Nope, I'm dead ass.
                                                            
                                         MATCH CUT
                                                            
Dan stands tall and proud as he gazes upon a heavily toilet
papered building while Dave looks at the building with
disappointment. He then turns to Dan and becomes more
upset.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Are you serious? This is what you
had in mind for revenge?
                                                            
                       DAN
Well of course. It's a pain in
the ass to get all of these shit
tickets off the building you know.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (Yells)
What? Bullshit?
                                                            
                       DAN
Whoa Dave, calm down my friend.
You should be having fun with
this.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Should be having fun? Should be
having fun with what? Patrick
throw me on my car, slapped me
around in my face, body slammed
me, elbow dropped me and the only
revenge you can think of is to
toilet paper the building? You
know, Daniel...that hurts.
                                                            
                       DAN
Well yes. Is that bad?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Yes Daniel, its not good enough.
                                                            

17.

                       DAN
You know, I thought the same thing
but I wasn't sure. I originally
wanted to do the flaming bag of
poop, but then I thought, I'm not
a middle schooler anymore.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Middle schooler? You just did a
middle schooler prank. Come on
man.
                                                            
                       DAN
It was pretty sweet wasn't it?
                                                            
                       DAVE
What? No. Its about revenge, not
about reliving old pranks. We
should of destroyed everything
inside there, or got some people
to jump him, or hold him hostage.
                                                            
                       DAN
Dude. What people do you know
that would want to jump him or
even hold him hostage. Patrick is
a big guy. You should of knocked
up his sister while she was passed
out drunk.
                                                            
                       DAVE
No you dumbass, thats rape.
                                                            
                       DAN
Rape. Revenge. Look, its the
same thing. Hell, what did you
want to do, blow the bar up?
                                                            
At the very moment, a drunk guy in his old model van singing
drunk carols crushes into the bar causing a big explosion.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Holy shit, did you see that?
                                                            
                       DAN
Awesome.
                                                            
As the toilet paper intensifies the fire, a drunk charred
man staggers out from the flames unharmed and walks away
continuing his carols. Dan turns to Dave with a smile on
his face.
                                                            

18.

                       DAN
See, I told you that my plans are
always on point.
                                                            
                       PATRICK (O.C.)
Oh yeah?
                                                            
Patrick coming out the dark alley looking very intimidating.
                                                            
                       PATRICK
      (Intimidating)
What the hell did you do to my
bar?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Well you see, we came here to
simply steal back my watch that
you stole from me.
                                                            
                       DAN
And I came to TP the hell out of
your place, but now it's lit up
like a christmas tree.
                                                            
Patrick becomes more upset, balling his fists and flexing
his arms.
                                                            
                       PATRICK
You fucks had a hand in this
didn't you? I should rip out your
heart and eat it. I should
curb-stomp your face multiple
times. Hell I should...
                                                            
                       DAN
      (Interrupts)
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa bro,
re-fuckin-lax. That's what you
should do.
      (Puts his arm
       around Patrick)
Look my friend.
                                                            
                       PATRICK
I'm not your friend.
                                                            
                       DAN
Whatever. This can be a good
thing for you. Listen, just call
some people and make a claim and
get your insurance money. You can
make a bigger, better Fritz.
                                                            

19.

                       DAVE
Yeah man. All the women in town
would want to come to your bar.
                                                            
Patrick starts to become a little relaxed.
                                                            
                       PATRICK
You think so? I do have a great
insurance policy. Alright, you
guys are off the hook.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Just like that?
                                                            
                       PATRICK
Yeah, just like that.
                                                            
                       DAN
Well see ya.
                                                            
Dave and Dan walks away. Dave looking very relieved and Dan
with a plotting grin.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Well that was lame. I thought we
would of had a final showdown or
something epic like that.
                                                            
                       DAN
What the hell are you talking
about? That's stupid, this is the
real world not a youtube short.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I'm just saying.
                                                            
                       DAN
Look, he's going to call his
insurance company right? All we
do is call the cops and
anonymously inform them that Fritz
was sacrificed due to insurance
fraud.
                                                            
                       DAVE
And why would we do that?
                                                            
                       DAN
Because the dick kicked your ass,
stole your watch, and you bitched
about the awesome idea of me
TP'ing the place. Think of it as
revenge that he didn't see coming.
                                                            

20.

                       DAVE
That's smart, I like it. Let's go
make some phone calls.
                                                            
The two guys slap a big air high five and walk away.
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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From Kevin Mitchell Date 10/18/2008 ***
I enjoyed the story. It had an adolesent hunmor to it and some of the banter between Dan and Dave was funny. The dialogue was too "on the nose". You need to leave more room for subtext. The words behind the words. In comedies it's essential because you get people laughing at the initial conversation and then BAM, the underlying meaning hits. Juno is a good example of what I'm trying to say. I liked it though, great job.


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