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The Honeymooners: Dinner Differences (Short)
by Brandon and Gerald Young (young1bd@hotmail.com)

Rated: PG   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***
Here is our take on a spec script for the classic television sitcom, "The Honeymooners."


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

INT. MR. MARSHALL'S OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
Ralph's boss, Mr. Marshall, is sitting at his desk reading
over some papers. Ralph knocks on the door.
                                                            
                       MR. MARSHALL
Come in.
                                                            
Ralph enters and crosses towards Mr. Marshall's desk.
                                                            
                       RALPH
      (nervously)
You...uh...wanted to see me, Mr.
Marshall?
                                                            
                       MR. MARSHALL
Relax, Ralph. Have a seat.
                                                            
Ralph sits down in the chair across from Mr. Marshall.
                                                            
                       MR. MARSHALL
Ralph, you've been driving a bus
for how long now?
                                                            
                       RALPH
13 years, 7 months, and 6 days,
sir.
                                                            
                       MR. MARSHALL
      (eyes watch)
And 6 minutes. Ralph, I brought
you in today to let you know
something.
                                                            
Ralph timidly wipes his brow.
                                                            
                       RALPH
What's that, Mr. Marshall?
                                                            
                       MR. MARSHALL
Ralph, I don't know how to say
this, but I'm going to have to...
                                                            
Ralph stands and temperance changes to anger.
                                                            
                       RALPH
      (sternly)
Going to have to what?
                                                            

2.

                       MR. MARSHALL
Ralph, I'm going to have to give
you a raise.
                                                            
Ralph is now steamed because he think he's been fired.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Almost 14 years driving a bus, day
in and day out; dealing with
crying babies and imbeciles all
day long! Almost fourteen years!
And this is the thanks I get?
                                                            
                       MR. MARSHALL
Ralph, I said I'm giving you a
raise.
                                                            
                       RALPH
That's quite alright, Mr.
Marshall. I guess a raise is a
good parting gift...Wait...A
raise?!!!
                                                            
                       MR. MARSHALL
Yes.
                                                            
                       RALPH
A ra...ra...ra... A raise?
                                                            
                       MR. MARSHALL
Yes, a raise.
                                                            
An ecstatic Ralph breathes a heavy sigh of relief while
humorously motioning around in a circle.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Well, you certainly raised my
heart rate.
                                                            
                       MR. MARSHALL
For your hard work and dedication,
we're going to pay you an extra
$4.25 a week.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Mr. Marshall, thank you! Thank you
very much! Now I can afford to
take Alice out sometime. Or at
least buy a new bowling ball. I'm
thinking bowling bowl.
                                                            
He shakes Mr. Marshall's hand profusely, not letting go.
                                                            

3.

                       MR. MARSHALL
You deserve it, Ralph. Now hurry
up. You're late for your route.
                                                            
Ralph finally lets go of Mr. Marshall's hand.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Will do, Mr. Marshall, sir. Thank
you. Thank you. Thank you.
                                                            
 
INT. KRAMDEN'S APARTMENT - DAY
                                                            
Alice is setting the kitchen table as Ralph enters. Ralph
is humming a tune. He goes up to Alice and starts dancing
with her, catching her off guard. He stops dancing and
plants a giant kiss on her lips.
                                                            
                       ALICE
What's gotten into you? Did you
visit Joe the Bartender before
coming home?
                                                            
                       RALPH
No, as a matter of fact, you're
husband just got himself a little
raise.
                                                            
                       ALICE
How little?
                                                            
                       RALPH
A mere bag of shells, my doll.
                                                            
                       ALICE
We should go out and celebrate.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Now wait one minute. Wait one
minute! Just because I'm making a
few extra dollars a week doesn't
mean we have to go and spend it
all right away.
                                                            
                       ALICE
Ralph, you're so cheap mother hens
mistake you for their chicks.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Har har hardy har har. Alice, not
even you can bring me down right
now.
                                                            

4.

                       ALICE
I believe gravity has done that
for me already.
                                                            
Ralph grows angry, but holds it in to the best of his
ability.
                                                            
                       RALPH
You're testing my patience, Alice.
                                                            
                       ALICE
That's probably another test you'd
fail.
                                                            
                       RALPH
That's it! One of these days,
Alice! One of these days...POW!
Right in the kisser!
                                                            
                       ALICE
Just go ahead and do it already.
                                                            
Ralph paces around the apartment, fuming with rage, eyeing
Alice in between walks. He collects himself and settles.
                                                            
                       RALPH
You're not worth the hassle.
                                                            
                       ALICE
I'm not worth much of nothing,
living in this castle.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Oh, so now you want to spend the
money to move out?
                                                            
                       ALICE
No, Ralph. We can do whatever you
think we need to do. As long as
what you think we need to do is
pay to get the television fixed.
                                                            
                       RALPH
That television's been broken so
long that there probably ain't no
fixin' it. Hey, I have an idea.
Let's have Norton and Trixie over
for dinner. How's that sound?
                                                            
                       ALICE
That is a splendid idea, Ralph.
                                                            

5.

                       RALPH
      (matter of factly)
I know, that's why I thought of
it.
                                                            
Ralph moves to the window, opens it and calls up to Norton.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Hey, Norton! Norton!
                                                            
                       NORTON (OS)
Hey, Ralphie-boy!
                                                            
                       RALPH
Come on down here!
                                                            
                       NORTON (OS)
You come on up here!
                                                            
                       RALPH
Norton, you better come on down
here or I'm gonna...
                                                            
                       NORTON (OS)
I'll be down in a minute. Sheesh.
What a grouch?
                                                            
Ralph closes the window and directs his attention back to
Alice.
                                                            
                       RALPH
So what are we having for dinner?
                                                            
                       ALICE
How does lasagna sound?
                                                            
                       RALPH
Lasagna sounds great.
                                                            
Norton enters the apartment and crosses towards the ice
chest.
                                                            
                       NORTON
Hello, Alice.
                                                            
                       ALICE
Hi, Ed.
                                                            
Norton starts digging through the ice chest as Alice exits
to the bedroom.
                                                            
                       NORTON
Hi-ya, Ralph.
                                                            

6.

                       RALPH
Would you get out of there!
                                                            
                       NORTON
What did you wanna see me about?
Let me guess, you need to borrow
some money?
                                                            
                       RALPH
No, I don't need to borrow any
money. I'll have you know, I got a
raise today.
                                                            
Norton eyes him up and down.
                                                            
                       NORTON
Funny, you don't look any taller;
maybe a little rounder.
                                                            
                       RALPH
That's it! Get out! Go pack your
bags for Bellevue!
                                                            
                       NORTON
Okay, see you later.
                                                            
Norton crosses to the door and opens it.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Norton, get back over here. No,
you knucklehead. I got a pay
increase.
                                                            
                       NORTON
Well, can I borrow some money
then?
                                                            
                       RALPH
Boy, I oughta belt you one!
                                                            
Ralph raises a fist only to settle back down.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Actually, Alice and I would like
you and Trixie to come down for
dinner this evening. We're having
lasagna, so make sure Trixie knows
how to make it.
                                                            
                       NORTON
Trixie makes a mean lasagna,
Ralph.
                                                            

7.

                       RALPH
I don't care if the lasagna is
mean or nice so long as it's ready
in a couple hours.
                                                            
                       NORTON
Sounds like a plan. We'll see you
then.
                                                            
Norton quickly snatches up an apple and exits as Alice
enters the room.
                                                            
                       RALPH
I'm gonna take a little
celebration nap before dinner.
                                                            
                       ALICE
You do that while I get everything
ready for dinner.
                                                            
Ralph exits into the bedroom while Alice starts preparing
things for dinner. She begins humming an immaculate hymn.
                                                            
                       RALPH (OS)
Knock it off, will ya?!
                                                            
                       ALICE
Ah, shuddup!
                                                            
 
INT. NORTON'S APARTMENT - DAY
                                                            
Norton enters and finds Trixie cleaning the apartment up a
little. Norton begins talking to Trixie about Ralph's big
news.
                                                            
                       NORTON
Trixie, Ralphie-boy got a raise
today and is having us over for
dinner.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
That's excellent news. Good for
him. What's Alice making for
dinner?
                                                            
                       NORTON
Lasagna.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Alice makes a great lasagna.
                                                            

8.

                       NORTON
Alice? No, Ralph said for you to
make the lasagna.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Me? Well, I suppose I should get
started on it.
                                                            
                       NORTON
You make the best lasagna.
Remember the time you made me some
after our first date?
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
I wouldn't call you coming to see
my burlesque show a date.
                                                            
                       NORTON
I would.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Oh, Ed.
                                                            
 
INT. KRAMDEN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
Ralph enters from the bedroom as Alice is carrying a dish of
lasagna in her hands. Ralph takes notice of the meal.
                                                            
                       RALPH
I didn't hear Norton and Trixie
come down to drop off the lasagna.
                                                            
                       ALICE
What are you talking about, Ralph?
Why would they be doing that?
                                                            
The Nortons enter with Trixie carrying a dish of lasagna in
her hands as well. Alice and Trixie look at each other's
lasagnas. Ralph has a shocked look on his face to match
Alice and Trixie's. Both Alice and Trixie look at each
other and then to Ralph.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Hamana-hamana-hamana.
                                                            
                       ALICE
Ralph, I know you like to eat, but
this is a little too much even for
you.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Bang! Zoom! Alice. Bang! Zoom!
                                                            

9.

                       TRIXIE
Ed told me that Ralph told him to
tell me to make lasagna.
                                                            
                       NORTON
Yeah, I told her what Ralph told
me that I needed to tell her.
                                                            
                       RALPH
No, what did I tell you to tell
Trixie? I told you to tell Trixie
that I told you that Alice is
making lasagna tonight.
                                                            
                       NORTON
But, Trixie made lasagna tonight.
                                                            
                       RALPH
I can see that, you mental case.
                                                            
                       ALICE
If anyone's the mental case it's
you, Ralph. Two lasagnas?
                                                            
                       RALPH
I guess I was still caught up in
the excitement of my raise. Say,
it's alright. We can make this two
dinners. We'll have one tonight
and one tomorrow.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
That would be alright.
                                                            
                       NORTON
Well, no one asked you.
                                                            
                       ALICE
That would be great. We can maybe
get a little wine for tomorrow
night; make a swell evening out of
it. Maybe dress up and go dancing.
                                                            
                       RALPH
And maybe you shut your pie hole.
What I'm saying is that we can eat
our lasagna tonight and their
lasagna tomorrow.
                                                            
                       NORTON
Hey, why does our lasagna need to
be eaten tomorrow?
                                                            

10.

                       RALPH
      (mocking Norton)
Why does our lasagna need to be
eaten tomorrow? Fine, we'll have
your lasagna tonight and ours
tomorrow.
                                                            
                       NORTON
Wait, I like the idea of ours
being tomorrow.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Don't make me belt you, Norton!
                                                            
                       NORTON
I'm surprised they make a belt big
enough for you.
                                                            
                       RALPH
I'm surprised they make a mouth
big enough for you.
                                                            
                       ALICE
Alright, you two! How about we
have half of each tonight?
                                                            
                       NORTON
Wait, what happened to the other
halves?
                                                            
Ralph steps toward Alice's lasagna.
                                                            
                       RALPH
I'm surprised they even let you
into the sewers. Now look. Here's
what we'll do. I'll just take ours
right here and...
                                                            
Ralph picks the lasagna up and accidentally drops it. Ralph,
Trixie and Alice's jaws drop. Norton is unaffected.
                                                            
                       NORTON
So, uh, like I said, we'll have
Trixie's lasagna tonight.
                                                            
                       RALPH
      (to Alice)
Well, don't just stand there.
Aren't you going to clean that up?
                                                            

11.

                       ALICE
Just because you can't touch your
toes doesn't automatically make me
clean up everything after you.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Moon, Alice. Moon.
                                                            
                       ALICE
Loud mouth, Ralph. Loud mouth.
                                                            
Alice reluctantly complies and begins cleaning the fallen
lasagna.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Like I said, we'll have Trixie's
lasagna tonight and the
neighborhood dogs will have ours
tomorrow.
                                                            
                       NORTON
Good one, Ralph.
                                                            
                       RALPH
I know. That's why I said it.
Here, I'll just bring yours to the
table here.
                                                            
Ralph picks the Norton's lasagna up, accidentally spilling
it all over a kneeling Alice. She wipes it from her eyes,
rises up and gives Ralph the crudest of looks. She picks up
a heaping handful and hurls it at Ralph. He ducks causing it
to hit Trixie.
                                                            
                       NORTON
Looks like Alice got you right in
the kisser there, Trixie.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Ah, shuddup!
                                                            
Trixie picks up a handful and smears it straight into Ed's
face. Norton tries to return the favor, but gets Ralph on
accident. Ralph erupts and starts flinging food in every
which direction, hitting all in sight. All four combatants
start picking up lasagna and chucking it at one another.
It's a chaotic Kramden vs. Norton food fight! Lasagna is
flying everywhere! The pandemonium finally settles as all
four begin laughing hysterically. Ralph picks Alice up,
pulls her close.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Baby, you're the greatest!
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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From Roselle Zubey Date 4/14/2011 ***
I liked how you wrote the Kramdens and the Nortons very in character. If this show was still on (I was thinking of the classic show with Jackie Gleason and Art Carney not the movie they made a couple of years ago) I could see this as an episode of the show. It is perfectly formatted, too. I'm just wondering why you chose to write your spec on this show, that's all. Best of luck and keep writing.


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