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Who Am I?
by Brandon and Gerald Young (young2bd@yahoo.com)

Rated: PG   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***
This is our other original pilot we wrote. We feel it has a little, "My Name is Earl," feel to it.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


TROY, an attractive, 30 year-old, Caucasian male with a
healthy figure, is lying in a hospital bed with a bandage on
his head.
                       TROY (VO)
Look at that handsome guy right
there. That's me. Well, I think it
is. Truth be told, I don't really
know who I am. You'll find that
out soon enough, though. Let's get
back to this neat, swell, and
peachy keen show. Wait, what?
He struggles to gather his bearings. A physically fit
African American doctor (DOCTOR) in his mid 50's is standing
beside him as he wakes.
Mr. Sterling. Good morning! Well,
I suppose I should say that seven
times through.
Who are you?
I am Doctor Stevenson and you are
at Vista View Medical in beautiful
San Diego, California. I've been
caring for you for a week now. You
just woke up from a coma.
      (a little more
A coma? What happened? Why am I
I've been waiting on pins and
needles for seven days to ask you
that very question.
Who is Mr. Sterling? What is
going on here? Where am I?


I'm afraid it looks like you've
come down with a bit of amnesia.
      (borderline with
How does one come down with
amnesia, doc? It's not a cold.
Wait, what does amnesia mean
again? I forgot. Say, daddio,
what day is it?
Daddio? It's...
      (growing more
How did I?
Who am I?
Troy is lying in bed. He's tossing a baseball up into the
air, trying to just barely touch the ceiling. His bed is an
adult king-size version of a child's car bed (Lamborghini).
His bedroom is in as much disarray as his soon to be
discussed mental state. There's numerous posters on the
wall. At a closer look, these are all posters of himself in
a vast array of Chicago White Sox uniforms.
                       TROY (VO)
Hi! I'm Troy Sterling. You might
remember me from such Simpson's
ripoffs as "That One." I digress.
I'm happy to know my name. It's
more than what I knew two weeks
ago. I know I live in San Diego,
but, by golly, I don't know how or
when I got here. By golly? What is
this, 1952? Ah, shucks. Anyway, I
just found out I'm some washed-up
Major League pitcher. I was a
former number one draft pick who
signed a huge signing bonus. I


                       TROY (cont'd)
made millions. Technically, I
stole millions. I threw my arm out
on the first pitch I threw in the
bigs. Fortunately, I got to keep
the money. I've decided to use it
to help discover who I am and how
I ended up in that coma in the
first place. So far, it seems
like I'm a major league jerk.
There's so much to figure out.
Number one being what is a grown
man doing owning a car-shaped bed?
Outside of Troy's modest mansion. Troy has opened the door.
Standing in front of him is his best friend RICKY, an
overweight, Hispanic male in his early 30's. Troy's porch is
amazing. It has two recliners at each side. Accompanying the
recliners is a huge television. It literally looks like his
porch was converted into a living room. Troy and Ricky each
have a seat and converse with one another.
Hey, man.
                       TROY (VO)
This is Richie. Apparently, he's
my best friend, and has been ever
since we got into a fight during
recess over a tether ball match.
      (stepping outside)
Richie, right?
Nope! It's still Ricky.
                       TROY (VO)
Make that Ricky.
Sorry, Ricky.
It's cool. You're a lot closer
than when you called me Richelle
last week. How have you been, man?


Well, my head still feels like it
was forced to watch an M. Night
Shyamalan movie marathon.
You know M. Night Shyamalan's
name, but you still ain't got a
clue what mine is?
It'd be easier if you started your
name off with just a single
R. Ricardo Uribe.
Wait, your name is Ricky Ricardo?
So, not only do you know who M.
Night is, but you are also more
aware of a 1950's sitcom character
than of me.
Well, gee-whiz, Ricky. I'm trying
here. I'm still learning who I
am. From what I'm gathering, I'm
not swell.
Nah, it ain't that. You're just a
man who's misunderstood.
I'm not seeing how I'm a man at
all. Do you know that everyday I
wake up in a bed that's shaped
like a Lamborghini?
I was there when you bought it,
bro. It was the first thing you
bought with your signing bonus. It
was 2:00 am. The store was
obviously closed, but you were
persistent. So we went to the
owner's house.


It is late, obviously dark, and dogs are barking as Troy
pounds on the door of the furniture store owner's (SAM)
house. Ricky is standing slightly behind Troy as the door
opens. A short, gray-haired, balding, middle-aged, Middle
Eastern man peers his head out the door.
It's 2:00 in the morning! What is
it you want?!
I want that rocking Lambo-beddy
with the spinners. Come on,
Saddam, let's go!
You come to my home at 2:00 AM,
wake me up, call me Saddam, and
you want me to sell you a child's
Pretty much, Mr. Hussein. Let's
My name is Sam; Sam Hussein. I am
not Saddam. Now get out of here!
The store opens in 6 hours! Get
your kid a bed then!
Actually, Sam, Troy doesn't have
any kids. I think the bed's for
him, bro.
Look, you go with me now and I'll
pay for it in cash and give you an
extra $5 for your troubles.
Make it $500 and I'll consider it.
Fine; whatever. I want that sweet
Lambo-beddy now!


His past bedroom looks as much in disarray as the present.
The only exception being that instead of it being inside a
mansion, it's in a small apartment. He has newspaper
clippings of himself strewn about his wall. Troy and Ricky
are standing around the new car bed, which takes up most of
the room.
My very own Lambo-beddy! Now this
is what I'm talking about, ese.
You know, I never said it was cool
for you to call me that.
Settle down, Vato. I've wanted one
of these ever since I was a kid.
It's obvious that you still are.
Troy steps to a drum set and gives a little "buddump, chh!"
                       TROY (VO)
Where did those came from? I don't
think I've ever owned a drum set.
Of course, I probably wouldn't
remember if I did or not.
Look, man. I'm gonna take this
baby for a spin. The living room
floor, slash limousine, is all
yours if you wanna crash here.
                       TROY (VO)
Wow, I really was a jerk. I was
more of a Richard than Ricky was.
Hey, where'd that snare go?
                       RICKY (VO)
I hope he doesn't think that was
"buddump, chh" worthy.
                       TROY (Vo)
Cool! You've got a voice-over,
                       RICKY (VO)
Yep. Yep.


                       TROY (VO)
Why did you wait till now to speak
                       RICKY (VO)
Hearing only your voice-over was
starting to irk me.
                       TROY (VO)
Imagine how our audience must
                       RICKY (VO)
Who cares about them. Hey,
remember that time in first grade
when I smoked you in tether ball?
                       TROY (VO)
You cheated!
                       RICKY (VO)
Semantics, bud. Hey, look at our
characters. While we jabber
they're stuck in television land
limbo; doing nothing.
                       TROY (VO)
Ha! Yeah! Look at us! We're just
standing there like a couple of
                       RICKY (VO)
I know! Look at you. You look so
uncomfortable, like you're
standing at a urinal while
"restroom small talk" guy is
trying to strike up a convo.
                       TROY (VO)
I hate that guy! He's the same guy
that feels the need to talk in
                       RICKY (VO)
I know, dude! There's no escape
from talking about how overcast
it's been lately.
                       TROY (VO)
And stuff like, "Hey, how about
that local sports team?" We really
should get back, ya know?


                       RICKY (VO)
Agreed. You don't need any more
time to steal from The Simpsons,
                       TROY (VO)
Eat my shorts!
Nah! Thanks though, bro. I'm
gonna head back to my pad. Your
mom is waiting there for me.
Ooh, congrats on the "burn." Mom
jokes are very fashionable...for
Dude, it is 1999. This is a
flashback, remember? Oh, wait. You
probably don't.
Some drumsticks appear in Ricky's hands. He then gives a
magically appearing snare and hi-hat a little "buddump,
                       RICKY (VO)
Now that was worthy.
                       TROY (VO)
Really, man? I can live with you
cutting into my voice-over time,
but I will not tolerate you
getting all felonious Carrot Top
with my props.
Another off-screen voice (PRODUCER) interrupts the
conversation. The producer is very upset as to where the
show is heading.
                       PRODUCER (OS)
Stop! Stop! Stop! If you two don't
knock it off, I'll fine Troy and
take away Ricky's voice-over
                       RICKY (VO)
Sorry, Producer, braugh.


                       PRODUCER (OS)
It's alright, Ricky. Seriously,
though, the camera man has run out
of places to pan to while we're
talking like this.
                       TROY (VO)
Definitely. Don't we need to cut
to a word from our sponsors?
                       PRODUCER (OS)
Not yet. I'll let you know when.
Now let's get to the next scene.
We are back to present day with Troy and Ricky sitting in
the recliners outside of Troy's humble mansion.
I really need to make some
changes, Ricky. The more I hear
about myself, the more I dislike.
Say, you know anybody in the
market for a car bed?
You could put an ad up on that one
site, Car Bed Weekly.
What's the world wide web address?
Hey, I know, bro. You could give
it to that big foster home up the
That's a swell idea. They could
use it as a reward; like the best
kid gets it for a month or
                       TROY (VO)
And look who's using his noodle...
No, not that one, you sickos.
Sorry. That was inappropriate. I
forgot. It's the new, nicer Troy
Sterling. What I meant to say was,
"Look who's using his head." Never
mind. I give up.


Look who's using his noodle.
Get out of my head, Ricky.
Oh, nothing. Anyway, I've been
I guess there really is a first
time for everything.
Troy steps to a suddenly appearing drum set. He gives it a
little "buddump, chh!"
                       TROY (VO)
Sweet! I've got this little trick
on lock. Now if only I could make
a sad trombone sound when someone
fails at something.
Ricky, who was leaning against a car, slips and falls to the
ground. A sad trombone plays.
                       TROY (VO)
      (helping Ricky up)
I guess you really are startled by
me turning over a new leaf.
A little. I mean, how can you
turn a leaf when you don't even
know which one to turn over?
You can help me. You say that
we've been friends since we were
kids. You must know me, right?
Well, yeah. I suppose, braugh.


I've been reading these things
about myself online. Did I really
take candy from a baby?
In the history of that saying, I
never thought anyone ever did it.
You? Well, you took candy from a
baby and gave it to a pretty woman
who was walking down the street.
Really, Roy Orbison?
Seriously! How do you know who all
these pop culture figures are, but
not remember anything else? You're
like if TMZ met "Groundhog's Day."
I took candy from a baby? I
really took candy from a baby?
                       PRODUCER (OS)
Sponsor time, Troy.
                       TROY (VO)
And we'll see what that looked
like right after a word from our
sponsor. "Who Am I" is brought to
you by Postum. Drink Postum and
stay awake!
There are some sounds of shuffling of paper and rumbling of
people talking in the voice-over. The producer can be heard
in the background.
                       PRODUCER (OS)
We aren't sponsored by Postum.
They don't even sell that stuff
anymore, knucklehead.
                       TROY (VO)
They don't? Well, what do I know?
I've been in a coma and have
amnesia for crying out loud.
                       PRODUCER (OS)
Good point. Cut to commercial.


Troy and Ricky are walking down a busy sidewalk. They walk
towards a 30-something Caucasian lady pushing a baby cart
(LADY). Inside the cart is a baby holding an unwrapped
lollipop. As they are walking, a beautiful Hispanic woman
(BEAUTIFUL WOMAN) in her mid-20's is shown going the
opposite direction from them. Troy sees the lollipop in the
baby's hand and snatches it while the mother has her head
turned temporarily. He then hands it to the beautiful woman.
Passersby are astounded at what they've witnessed. The lady
pushing the cart catches the tail end of this and is
furious. The beautiful latina woman is caught off guard.
Hey, jerk! What are you doing?
Troy ignores her and is paying full attention to the woman
he'd just handed the lollipop to.
                       BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
I think she's talking to you.
He took my baby's candy!
      (trying even
       harder to ignore
       the lady)
Speaking of something as sweet as
candy, what's your story, doll
                       BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
      (puts lollipop in
       Troy's face)
Did you take this from that baby?
Baby. Baby. Baby. What exactly is
taking? Things are taken from us
all the time. You just took my
breath away. Besides, I was just
learning the kid right. I wish I
had someone smart like me to teach
life lessons. I'd make a great
father. Call me, "Papi."
The beautiful woman slaps Troy. She then hands the baby back
its candy.


Thank you. What an ass...
                       BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
      (eyes her bare
Hol...y cow. I'm running late.
The beautiful woman walks away. Baby cart lady begins to
flip Troy off, not quite reaching fruition.
                       TROY (VO)
Looking back on it, that dame
REALLY slapped some sense into me.
Troy looks for his imaginary snare and hi-hat. A sad
trombone plays instead.
                       TROY (VO)
Really, audio department? Come on,
that was funny.
                       PRODUCER (OS)
No, it wasn't. Stick to the script
or I'll fine you.
                       TROY (VO)
I am working off the script; page
The rustling of papers can be heard.
                       PRODUCER (OS)
Oops! Alright, back to the show.
                       TROY (VO)
We never left.
                       PRODUCER (OS)
Troy, Fine. Fine, Troy. Touch
                       TROY (VO)
      (taps Troy)
Hey, you good?
I'm cool, Ricky Schroder.


"Silver Spoons?" Really? You're
the one with the car bed. When's
the indoor train getting
installed, gringo? Anyway, I
wouldn't say you're cool. You
The guys are back on the porch again.
...took that baby's candy. What
were you thinking?
I wasn't. This bums me out. I
can't believe that is...was...me.
They rise. Troy opens the door. We see a door mat that reads
"Wipe Yo Feet or I'll Beat Yo Seat." Ricky blatantly wipes
his feet. Troy shoots a weird look; quickly shrugging it
off. He heads inside while Ricky follows.
They're in Troy's living room. It's the opposite of his
bedroom; immaculate. There's a huge television with an
enormous couch in front of it. The only other furniture is a
giant baseball shaped bean-bag chair.
Dude, why didn't you wipe your
feet? That's your numero uno
Gee whillikers! Rule-o? You're
Hispanic for Pedro's sake! It's
not that big of a deal.
Don't tread on me, Mr. "gee
whillikers guy." You've always
made people wipe their feet here.
You have since you moved in. I
remember it like it was yesterday.


Oh, yeah? Well, I remember it like
it was...Dangit! No I don't.
It was a week after the car bed
incident. You realized your
apartment was too cramped. You
said you needed a new place to
Troy's apartment living room is tiny! There's only one piece
of furniture,the baseball bean-bag chair. Troy is sitting on
it it. Ricky walks in and finds a spot on the floor to sit.
Behind him are his muddy footprints.
Man, I've been here a week since
getting that sweet bed. This place
is too cramped. I need a new place
to live where people will respect
my feet wiping rule.
Troy and Ricky are back in Troy's mansion's living room.
I've got a long way to go.
Don't be down, man. Like I said,
you're not a bad guy. You're just
What's misunderstanding about a
guy who literally takes candy from
a baby?
Troy, we've been through a lot. No
matter how you perceive yourself,
I'm here for you.
Could I get that with a tad bit
less man-love connotation?


Look, dude. You either want to
better yourself or you don't. I'm
saying I'll be your friend and
support you in whatever you do.
Ah, shucks. Thanks, Ricky. I
appreciate that.
All good, holmes. I want you to
know that I'm not one of those
leeches that try to friend you for
your money. I've been there since
day one, homey.
What? People financially take
advantage of me, too?
Yeah. I've helped you out a few
Like when?
Well, there was that one time, a
few years back, when I intercepted
Bernie Madoff from talking to you.
Bernie Madoff. Had I not been
there, he would have made off with
all of your money.
Ricky holds his hands out to receive the imaginary
drumsticks. A sad trombone plays instead.
                       TROY (VO)
There you go, audio department.
                       RICKY (VO)
Whatever. That's still better than
some of the eggs you've laid in
this episode.


                       TROY (VO)
Seriously, my shorts, eat them,
I'm just saying.
I know. I know. Hey, I've got to
get on my way to the hospital.
Gotcha. Keep what I said to heart.
I'm here for you.
Who are you again?
      (pointing at Troy)
You! You!
Me! Me! That's all fine and all,
but who is me? I'm more scared
than when that person jumped out
between two cars and scared me on
Um, you really don't remember
anything correctly, do you? That
was me that was scared. You were
the one that jumped out.
Like I was saying, who is me? Who
am I?
                       TROY (VO)
I'm apparently someone with
terrible grammar who doesn't find
it corny to say the name of the
show during dialog. Twice!
Troy jumps out towards Ricky, who gets startled.
Troy is sitting in a waiting room. The room is a much
different room from where he was first seen a few weeks
prior. Doctor Stevenson enters from the doorway.


Good afternoon. How are you,
Doctor Stevenson?
You're Doctor Ste...Hey! Why I
Good. You're making progress.
I'm starting to discover that I'm
not the nicest of guys.
I disagree. As someone who has
followed your career since little
league, I can say that you are the
worst guy.
Ah, gee, thanks.
Sorry, I didn't mean that. I just
meant that we are going to make
you better.
I hope so. Isn't that what
hospitals are known for?
Maybe. However; I like to think
that we're more known for our
longer than Cedar Point waiting
Cedar Point?
It's the happiest place on earth
without all of the
self-aggrandizing pretentiousness.
Disregard. So, Troy. Have you had
any headaches lately?


Aside from the one I just got from
your big words, no.
Good. Good. Do you have anything
new to report since your last
I've been talking to myself a lot
in my head lately.
                       TROY (VO)
True. True.
Go on with what you were saying.
What was that?
Mentally talking to yourself.
Yeah. I go off on these tangents
where if someone says something
funny, I hit a drum and cymbal.
When someone fails at something,
do you hear a sad trombone as
Yes! How did you know?
I'm a doctor. I know things.
Besides, we in the business refer
to that as the "Gong Show/Price Is
Right Syndrome." There's only one
cure for GS/PIR S; playing a game
of Plinko with a paper bag over
your head.


Are you serious?
Oh, boy! We have one heckuva road
to toe.
I've been doing that, too.
Doing what?
Thinking up really corny phrases
like "heckuva." I feel like I am a
character from a 1950's sitcom.
      (Jackie Gleason
You sir, are a mental case!
I know. That's why I'm here,
Yes, I do. After all, I'm not you.
Well, a hardy, har, har! What's
this mental case business? Nice
bedside manner.
I'm sorry. You had just mentioned
1950's sitcoms, and that bit from
"The Honeymooners" came to mind.
One of these days, Doc. One of
these days...Pow! Right in the
Hmm. Interesting.


You remember meaningless moments
in pop culture history, but don't
remember who you are.
Hey, now! "The Honeymooners"
weren't meaningless.
If you love it so much, why don't
you marry it?
Huh? Why are you being so weird?
I'm just trying to figure out
where you are mentally. Let me ask
you this, how do you feel about
the phrase "I'm rubber, you're
Golly, Doc. I'm not eight.
Besides, I'm giving my car-shaped
bed to charity.
No need to be offended, Mr.
Sterling. I just need to gauge
your mindset.
Give me the straight skinny, Doc.
Am I ever going to get my memory
Over time, I'm sure you will. For
now, keep having that pal of yours
answer as many questions about you
as he can.
Thanks, Doc; that's reassuring.
I'll do that. He'll help. Ricky
sure is a swell pal.
You really are living in "Leave it
to Beaver" land. Alright, now
there's just one more thing I need
to do before you can leave the


                       DOCTOR (cont'd)
hospital today.
Will it help me get my memory
Doctor Stevenson reaches onto the counter and pulls out some
medical gloves. He puts them on and stretches one out onto
his hand, snapping it into position.
Possibly. This may feel slightly
Troy gets a frightened expression on his face as he has a
bad feeling about what's going to happen next.
I'm sure you won't forget this.
                       TROY (VO)
I definitely wish that was a
moment I would forget. I also like
how he flat out lied to me.
Slightly uncomfortable? Slightly?
A sad trombone sound plays one more time.
Troy and Ricky are seen pulling up to the driveway of the
foster home in the Lambo-beddy. The bed has turned into an
actual car. Troy and Ricky both have on racing attire;
ascot, glasses, leather gloves, and all. The kids from the
foster home come out cheering for the car bed. Troy has the
biggest smile on his face. It's like he saved the world, one
child at a time. TROY STARES INTO CAMERA.
Baby, I'm the greatest.
Troy leans in to kiss the camera.


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From Frank D. Antonacci Date 5/12/2011 ***
Funny stuff ! You have a great ear for dialog !

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