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by Sampson Phandres (sampsonphandres@gmail.com)
Rated: 
Genre: Drama
User Review: 
A short, surrealist look at reality that will leave the audience much to talk about.
This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.
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INT. A PRACTICE ROOM - DAY |
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(Lights up on a small space: could be used as a practice
room, could be used as a green room before a show. There is
a drum set Up Stage Center) |
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(TREY ANASTASIO enters) |
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TREY
(Uncertainly)
Uh. Hi. This play, uh, well, it's
good. It's, uh, it's pretty good.
I'd thank you for coming but I'm,
uh, I'm on LSD right now. |
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(giggles) |
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TREY
You all have antlers. |
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(JON FISHMAN enters quietly, sits at drums.) |
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TREY
I think... I think I should try to
uh, do something for
entertainment? |
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(Looks around, sees JON) |
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TREY
Give me a beat or something! I
feel lyrics coming on. Something
about kangaroos and the mafia. |
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(JON exits just as quietly as he entered. ANNE RESPARET
enters, pats his back as they pass in a pitying manner,
though not condescending.) |
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ANNE
(soothingly)
Trey, dear, we've got to get you
ready for your show tonight. |
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TREY
I, uh, what? Show? Annie, I'm
sleepy and fornicating! |
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ANNE
(smiling)
Here, I sketched you a picture.
Can you see it? |
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2.
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(Holds up a piece of poster board with the words "BUM. BUM.
BUM. ECLAIR." written on it.) |
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TREY
No. Picture? I see words... |
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ANNE
I'm just messing with you, dear.
You really shouldn't hit up before
a show. |
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TREY
It relaxes me. I need peace of
mind. Contentment. |
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ANNE
Darling, if you were any more
content, you wouldn't be able to
do anything but sit and smile at a
wall. Have you ever seen yourself
perform? Grinning and nodding
and... |
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ANNE TRAILS OFF AS
TIME GOES BACKWARDS
TO ABOUT 1200 CE,
THE TIME OF THE
MONGOLIAN EMPIRE.
JON ENTERS, DRESSED
AS A PALM TREE, AND
SITS AT THE DRUM
SET. |
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(GENGHIS KHAN rises out of the stage. He is dressed in full
warriors regalia, robes, weapons, everything.) |
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GENGHIS
I'm here to help you. This just
became the "Paternal Figure Helps
Child Overcome Problems With Help
Of Lovely Lady" cliche. |
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ANNE
Come now. Trey is a grown man. |
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TREY
(giggling)
Your antlers are fucking intense. |
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(A beach ball falls from the ceiling.) |
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3.
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GENGHIS
You will do this by helping me
slaughter Europe. I like making
piles of skulls. |
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(NEWS BOY enters. He is holding a paper and an airhorn,
which he is honking. He is dressed from the 1950s for the
most part, with a turban.) |
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NEWS BOY
This just in! Skulls no longer
feasible means of pile making!
Extra! Extra! Genghis Khan
switches to puppies as the primary
ingredient in his piles! Look out,
Europe's dog population! |
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(Hands GHENGIS a puppy. Exits.) |
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GENGHIS
(stuttering)
Hey! I... that... what about my
hordes? |
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TREY
Your horror? Aah! Where? |
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GENGHIS
My Hordes! My Hordes! My fucking
Hordes! |
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AUDIENCE #1
(from audience)
This doesn't make any sense. |
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AUDIENCE #2
(from audience)
I agree. |
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AUDIENCE #3
(from audience)
No, see, it's deep, right? |
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AUDIENCE #2
No, I really don't think so. |
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4.
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GENGHIS
Hey! You! Got a problem? Come
here. |
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(AUDIENCE #2 comes to the stage. GENGHIS kills him with the
puppy.) |
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AUDIENCE #1
Holy fuckshit! Why did you do
that! |
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AUDIENCE #3
Whoa, man! That puppy was like,
LIGHTNING!!! FWAA! and then like,
DUUDE! |
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GENGHIS
(ranting)
I am Mongol! I make piles of the
puppies of my enemies! When I am
finished sacking greater Europe,
fields of piles of puppies stretch
as far as the eye can... |
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(sighs) |
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GENGHIS
I can't do this anymore. This is
ridiculous. Newspapers are stupid.
I feel stupid. |
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TREY
Sometimes I attatch antlers to my
guitar and make a theramin out of
it. |
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ANNE
What is it with you and antlers? |
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GENGHIS
(starting to break
down)
This... I refuse. I refuse to do
this. My lifestyle just became
irreversibly reversed at the will
of I don't know who and I have
10,000 soldiers with like 5 skulls
each and I have to tell them that
they can't make piles of them
anymore and that their whole
purpose in conquering up til now
(MORE)
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5.
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GENGHIS (cont'd)
has just been useless and I really
can't help you find yourself until
I myself get back on track. Try
that fish pond over there. A monk
lives in it or something. |
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(GENGHIS starts to exit, muttering under his breath.) |
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GENGHIS
Ugh, I need a drink. And a pile of
puppies to slaughter. I mean,
skulls. Damnit. |
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GENGHIS exits |
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(A beach ball falls from the ceiling.) |
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AUDIENCE #1
Are we still OK with this? I mean,
he killed that other guy. |
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AUDIENCE #3
I still think it's like, a
surrealist expression of, like,
the inner struggles of the mind of
the entrepreneur. |
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AUDIENCE #1
Whatever. I'm just glad that
fucking psycho left. |
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GENGHIS
(from offstage)
Hey! |
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(Runs back onstage with puppy, pauses, looks at AUDIENCE #1.
Cuts his arm off with the puppy. Points, Laughs, Exits.
AUDIENCE #1 stares at his stump, sits back in his seat.) |
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(AUDIENCE #3 realizes he is the only one left standing, is
embarrassed, sits down.) |
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ANNE
Well, he wasn't much help. Should
we go visit the pond monk then? |
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(AUDIENCE #1, coming out of shock, starts screaming,
cursing, runs out of theatre.) |
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(JON hits drums. Ba Dum, Tshh. All others start: they'd
forgotten he was there.) |
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6.
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ANNE
(surprised)
Jon! You're so quiet back there!
Why are you a palm tree? |
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(JON exits.) |
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TREY
(singing)
Sampson from the circus liked to
call himself a monk
Children all threw balls and in a
water tank he'd dunk
Elephants had to fish him out
drinking water from their trunks
And he'd sit and think of Sally,
who every night he'd |
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ANNE
(interrupting)
Ok, stop that. |
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(NEWS BOY enters, running with scissors.) |
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NEWS BOY
Extra Extra! Scissors! Scissors!
Whee! |
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(There is a thump, we hear NEWS BOY cry in pain.) |
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(Its the same scene, only now, all the characters have no
shoes on. Their shoes are all still onstage. NEWS BOY is
nowhere to be seen.) |
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TREY
(looking around
wondrously)
Was it all a dream? |
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ANNE
What? No, the lights just went
out. |
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TREY
Pinch me, am I awake? |
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(ANNE slaps him.) |
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7.
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TREY
That pinch felt like a slap! I
must be dreaming. |
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(A fish tank full of water is wheeled onstage. LULU THE
MONK, wearing robes and a snorkel mask is standing in it. A
sign hangs underneath that reads POND OF ETERNAL WATER) |
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ANNE
Ah, you must be our friend the
monk. |
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(Lulu's Theme Music plays in the background. TREY and ANNE
dance compulsively as it plays.) |
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LULU
(pulling herself
out of the tank)
Yes, child.
zzzzzzzzhhhssssggggggggrrr |
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TREY
This is my type of person!
fffffiiiiiiiiggggggggggggguuuuuuuuuu! |
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LULU
(offended)
What the hell was that?
zzzzzzzzhhhssssggggggggrrr |
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TREY
What? I thought you wanted to! |
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LULU
Why would you think strange noises
would be something I would want to
make? zzzzzzzzhhhssssggggggggrrr |
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ANNE
Lets not get angry. Trey is on LSD
right now, and a bit excitable.
Genghis Khan sent us, he thought
you might be able to help Trey
find his maturity. |
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LULU
Oh, that old bastard! Why, he
hasn't been the same since that
woman gave birth to him! Since my
good friend Genghis sent you, I'd
be glad to help. I'll cure this
fullgrown ginger baby or my name
isn't Lulu the Monk! |
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8.
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(Lulu's Theme Music plays in the background. TREY and ANNE
dance compulsively as it plays.) |
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LULU
(dramatically)
zzzzzzzzhhhssssggggggggrrr
I'm about to reveal something that
no one else knows. If this
knowledge were to become generally
known, civilization would
completely break down. However, it
is vitally important that I reveal
it, because it has a direct impact
on you. |
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(Points at TREY) |
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(JON enters, sits at drums. Quiet drumroll builds throughout
following, until characters are shouting over it.) |
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ANNE
(Exitedly)
What is it? |
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LULU
So, you want to know why strange
things are happening. |
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LULU
You want to know why
zzzzzzzzhhhssssggggggggrrr you
suddenly found yourself in the
time of the Mongols, even though
you clearly did not live in the
time of the Mongols. |
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LULU
And most of all, you want to know
why Trey doesn't ever act like the
mature adult he is. |
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TREY
That silly maturity! Always
getting lost somewhere. |
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9.
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LULU
I'm sure. See, the reality we
perceive is nothing but an
illusion. Space, time, none of it
exists the way you think it does.
Simply put, you are dreaming. |
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(Drumroll cuts out. Shocked faces all around.) |
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ANNE
So... it was a dream after all? |
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TREY
I knew that pinch wasn't a pinch! |
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LULU
(Laughing)
No, I really have no idea what's
going on with you guys. This
situation... you're pretty much
fucked. Now,
zzzzzzzzhhhssssggggggggrrr if
you'll excuse me, I have to see a
fish about some nirvana. |
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(LULU climbs back in tank. Tank is wheeled offstage.) |
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ANNE
(dejectedly)
We're trapped in the age of the
Mongols? |
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TREY
Sounds like an adventure! |
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ANNE
(breaking down)
But... I had family... friends...
Will I never see them again? |
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(TREY is off chasing a butterfly and doesn't hear her.) |
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ANNE
I had a life. I loved my life. I
knew I would die someday, but I'd
be able to accept that if I could
have said goodbye to everyone I
knew, made my peace. I don't just
want to disappear off the face of
the earth! And I don't even know
why. No one will know what became
of me! I can't manage this. I
need... I need... |
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10.
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TREY
(chewing)
That butterfly looked like
chicken. |
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ANNE
(starting to cry)
You're a horrible person! Do you
understand the gravity of the
situation? |
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(TREY runs offstage. ANNE cries. JON comes down from the
drum set and puts an arm around her.) |
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JON
(calmly)
Don't worry. It will be alright. |
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BLACKOUT ON THEM
HOLDING EACH OTHER |
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LIGHTS UP ON A
BEDROOM AT NIGHT |
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(JON, in his bed, starts, wakes up, looks around.) |
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(A beach ball falls from the ceiling.) |
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THE END |
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| Feedback |
| From Joshua |
Date 5/10/2011 |
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| It was funny and creative, though it could have had much more of a plot |
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