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by Brandon and Gerald Young (byoung@autoanything.com)
Rated:
Genre: Comedy
User Review: NOT YET RATED
This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.
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FADE IN:
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INT. KRAMDEN APARTMENT - DAY |
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RALPH is sitting at the table reading the paper. ALICE is
folding some clothes. |
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ALICE
I really don't know what you have
against going to church, Ralph. |
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RALPH
I really don't know what you have
against keeping your yapper shut
while I'm reading the paper,
Alice. |
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ALICE
One of these days, Ralph... |
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RALPH
Hey now! That's my line and you
know it. |
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ALICE
Actually, it's God's line.
Everything you say is one of His
lines. You would know that if you
went to church. |
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RALPH
Would you shut up and let me read
my paper already?! |
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Alice commences in folding clothes and begins humming
"Amazing Grace." Ralph gets more and more frustrated. He
slams the paper down on the table. |
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RALPH
That does it! I'm headed out to
the bar. |
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ALICE
You're going drinking at 10:00 in
the morning on a Sunday? |
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RALPH
And why not? There's a big game on
in a few hours and I'd like to
pre-game with the fellas. |
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2.
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ALICE
Football is only temporary. Your
soul is forever. |
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RALPH
Yeah, but I don't have a hundred
big ones on my soul to cover the
spread today. |
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ALICE
I wish you would go to church with
me just once. There is this really
funny guy there. He's such a hoot.
You would really enjoy him. |
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RALPH
Don't you go trying to make me
jealous so I go to church. It
ain't gonna work on me, Alice. I'm
too smart for your tomfoolery. |
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ALICE
I'm not trying to make you
jealous. I was just saying that I
think you two would get along just
swimmingly. He is really funny. |
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RALPH
Oh, I bet he's just hi-larious.
Hardy har har. |
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NORTON barges into the apartment. |
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NORTON
Hiya, Ralphie-boy. Oh, hey,
Alice. |
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RALPH
Hey, Norton. You ready to go to
the bar with me? |
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NORTON
Ralphie, I can't go; I'm going to
church with Alice and Trixie. I've
been going the past few weeks. You
should come along. |
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RALPH
They got to you, too, huh? You
guys and your phony bologna
church. I'm outta here. |
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Ralph storms out. |
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3.
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NORTON
Sheesh! What a grump? Come on,
Alice. Trixie's waitin' for us. |
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ALICE
Can we pray for Ralph first, Ed? |
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NORTON
Sure thing, Alice. The big guy
upstairs sure knows that big lug
down here could use it. |
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ALICE
If only Ralph knew. |
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Alice and Norton bow their heads in prayer. |
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NORTON
(praying)
Hiya, God. It's me, Ed. You
know? Ed Norton. Of course, you
know, you're God. But if you
didn't know...I'm just sayin'...my
name is Ed Norton... |
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Alice opens her eyes and gives Norton a "look" and
interjects. |
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ALICE
I'm sure he knows, Ed. |
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Alice goes back into her "prayer position." |
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NORTON
Anyway, we'd like to pray for
Ralphie-boy. Please keep him
safe; watch over him. Please open
his eyes to your truth. In Jesus
name, amen. |
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4.
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INT. CHURCH - DAY |
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Alice, Norton and TRIXIE are about to exit the church. They
are amongst the last people to leave. A visibly intoxicated
Ralph stumbles in. |
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RALPH
She thinks we'd get along just
swimmingly, she says...Well; I've
got some words for Mr. Funny
Pants. |
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Trixie gets Alice and Ed's attention. |
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TRIXIE
Say, is that Ralph? It looks like
someone got into the communion
wine. |
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Ralph staggers to the three. |
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RALPH
Where is this comedian? Thinks he
can steal my gal. I'll pulverize
him. |
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ALICE
Ralph, this is a place of worship.
Nobody is pulverizing anyone. |
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RALPH
Where is he? I'll knock his socks
off. |
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Ralph throws punches into the air. He drunkenly swings so
hard that he flails to the ground. It temporarily knocks him
out. |
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ALICE
This is embarrassing. Let's get
out of here. |
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NORTON
We can't just leave him here. |
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ALICE
Sure we can. Watch. |
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Alice exits. Norton and Trixie look at each other, then at
Ralph and follow suit. A young child (LUKE) splashes water
on Ralph, waking him. |
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5.
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RALPH
(coming to)
Homina! Homina! Homina! |
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LUKE
Hey, mister, wanna hear a joke? |
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LUKE
Do you think the apostles ever
tried to trick Jesus into blessing
them? Like one of them would
sneeze and Jesus would be like, "I
bless...yeah, nice try, James." |
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Ralph laughs slowly and builds up to a roaring laughter. |
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RALPH
You're the funny guy my wife was
telling me about, ain't ya? |
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RALPH
What's your name, kid? |
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LUKE
Luke. Okay, mister, I have to get
going now. |
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RALPH
Thanks for the laugh, Luke. |
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Luke exits. Ralph shakes his head and looks up to the
"heavens." |
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RALPH
God, I know I don't talk to you
much, except for when I need
things. Well, I need something for
real this time. I need you to be
in my life. I can't do this on my
own. I don't want to go to hell
when I die. I accept your son,
Jesus Christ, as my Lord and
(MORE)
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6.
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RALPH (cont'd)
Savior. Please forgive me of my
sins. In your Son's name I pray,
amen. |
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FADE OUT. |
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