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by Luke Valle (rocker10541@yahoo.com)
Rated: 
Genre: Comedy
User Review: NOT YET
RATED
Debbie Fellman has just turned 31. But before she can be depressed, her brother, James, goes to England on business and leaves his kids with her. Things soon get out of hand when James makes a shocking announcement.
This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.
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FADE IN:
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INT. LIVING ROOM - FELLMAN RESIDENCE - DAY |
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The only light is coming through the Venetian blind in the
window. On the pull-out couch is DEBBIE FELLMAN, 31, a
pretty woman with two-tone bleached-blonde hair. She combs
together cool sexuality with a streetwise style. Her phone,
which is on the floor next to her "bed" starts to blast an
annoying ring-tone. She sits up, looking nearly dead in a
tee-shirt and boxer shorts, looks around and then fixates on
the phone. |
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DEBBIE
Why did I choose that ring-tone? |
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DEBBIE reaches down, picks up the cell phone and answers it. |
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DEBBIE (cont'd)
Hi. Speak softly, it's early. |
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INTERCUT: |
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INT. LIVING ROOM - FELLMAN RESIDENCE |
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INT. BATHROOM - HANSON RESIDENCE |
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SARAH HANSON, 29, stands at her sink brushing her teeth. She
is a fair-skinned woman with black hair and a ballerina
figure. |
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SARAH
Hey. Ted slept in about ten
minutes, so he called me to call
you and get your ass out of bed. |
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DEBBIE
How'd you know I was in bed? |
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SARAH
It's the day after your
thirty-first birthday, the two
things are not are sober and up
before noon. |
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DEBBIE
Sarah, I'm thirty-one, I'm having
a hangover, and now I don't dye my
hair to be blonde, I dye it to
cover the gray. |
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2.
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INT. LIVING ROOM - FELLMAN RESIDENCE |
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DEBBIE hangs up the phone, throws it one the floor and flops
back on the bed. The phone rings, again and DEBBIE throws
her shoe at it. |
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DEBBIE (cont'd)
Die demon phone! |
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DEBBIE reaches down to the phone and puts it on speaker. |
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DEBBIE (cont'd)
Speak or I'm hanging up! |
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INTERCUT: |
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INT. LIVING ROOM - FELLMAN RESIDENCE |
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INT. KITCHEN - GRANT RESIDENCE |
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On the other line is TED GRANT, 37, a dark-haired, youthful
guy with a kind round face. He pours a cup of coffee as he
talks on the phone. |
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TED
Debbie, you have work, you need
food and your brother's kids are
coming today. |
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DEBBIE
I can borrow money from my
parents, I have food here and what
do you mean Mike's kids are coming
today? |
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TED
Remember, you said they were
coming on the twenty-eighth, and
that's today. |
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3.
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DEBBIE
No, it's the twenty-seventh. |
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TED
Your birthday's the
twenty-seventh, today's the
twenty-eighth. |
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There is a knock at the door. DEBBIE picks up the phone and
heads for the door. |
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DEBBIE
(heading for the
door)
It's the twenty-seventh. |
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DEBBIE opens the door and standing there are DAVID FELLMAN,
16, JENNY FELLMAN, 14, ZACK FELLMAN, 13, and EMMA FELLMAN,
11, with their luggage. DAVID is a dark-haired, blue-eyed
kid with a sweet smile. JENNY is a cute red-haired girl with
an Androgynous theme to her outfit and a "I don't care"
look. |
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ZACK is another cute kid with two-tone blonde hair like
DEBBIE'S. EMMA is a short, cute little girl who looks up at
everyone due to her height. DEBBIE takes the phone off
speaker and puts it to her ear. |
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DEBBIE (cont'd)
It's the twenty-eighth. |
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END OF COLD OPEN |
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FADE IN: |
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INT. LIVING ROOM - FELLMAN RESIDENCE - DAY |
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DAVID, EMMA, JENNY, and ZACK sit at the dinner table, which
is just a few feet away form the still open pull-out couch. |
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DAVID
Are you okay, aunt Deb? |
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A shoe flies out of her closet, also a few feet away from
the living room. |
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4.
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DEBBIE comes out of her closet, fully dressed, limping with
only on shoe on. She picks up the other shoe and starts to
put it on as she heads over to the kids. |
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DEBBIE (cont'd)
How did you kids get here from the
airport? |
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DAVID
No, we took a taxi. |
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JENNY
I like Zack's story better. |
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DEBBIE
How did you fit all your luggage? |
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JENNY
We strapped it to the hood like a
dead deer. |
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DEBBIE looks at DAVID. |
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DAVID
We put some in the trunk and kept
the rest on our laps. |
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EMMA
Again, I like the first story
better. |
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DEBBIE
Wait, you can use the trunks in
the cabs? Since when? |
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JENNY
Is that a rhetorical question or
do you actually expect four kids
to know that? |
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5.
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SARAH bursts through the front door, fully dressed and
energetic. |
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SARAH
Good morrow, fellow human. |
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SARAH
Oh, you're not human? |
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SARAH closes the door and walks to the small kitchen right
next to the dinner table. DEBBIE follows her in. |
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INT. KITCHEN |
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SARAH starts to pour herself a thermos of coffee. |
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DEBBIE
Ya' know the trunks in cabs, you
can use those. |
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SARAH
Oh, really?
(looks over at
kids)
What up with the rug rats? |
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DEBBIE
Their my brother's kids. |
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DEBBIE
The big one is David, the redhead
is Jenny, the blonde one is Zack
and the young midget is Emma. |
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EMMA
We prefer the term little people. |
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DEBBIE heads for the door. |
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DEBBIE
C'mon, Sarah, we're gonna be late. |
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6.
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SARAH starts after her. |
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SARAH
Hold up, I'm drinking coffee. |
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SARAH
You can't chug coffee. |
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SARAH
It's basically liquid cocaine. If
you chug it, ugly things happen. |
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SARAH
I tried it once, I punched a cab
driver. |
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DEBBIE
You punched a cab driver? |
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SARAH
He called me ma'am. |
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DEBBIE gives SARAH a dirty look and exits the apartment, but
bursts back in. |
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DEBBIE
Oh, kids, make yourselves at home.
Sleeping bags in the closet, and
don't torch the place. |
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DEBBIE exits and SARAH heads after her, but stops. |
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SARAH
If you want to order porn on
Debbie's TV, the PIN number is
twenty-nine, thirty-nine, five and
if she asks, I'll cover for you, I
do it all the time anyway. |
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7.
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SARAH exits. ZACK runs over to the TV, turns it on and grabs
the remote. |
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ZACK
Twenty-nine, thirty-nine, five. |
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INT. DEBBIE'S DESK - "NEW YORK, NEW YORK RECORDS" - LATER |
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A desk sits at the end of the hall in front of the only
private office on the floor. Sitting at the desk is DEBBIE.
She is typing on her computer as TED wheels up to her desk
and drops some envelopes on her desk. She starts going
through it. |
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TED
All business, no mistresses and
the wife is back from rehab. |
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DEBBIE slams the mail on the desk. |
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DEBBIE
Dammit. My boss is so boring. |
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TED
I know, he's sober, obviously
straight, no affairs in a
months... if he keeps this up he
might not get arrested at all this
year. |
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DEBBIE
Don't worry, I'll fix him. |
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TED
So, how'd it go this morning with
the kids? |
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DEBBIE
Hung over and awkward. Oh, the
best part is when I ran off with
Sarah to work and told not to burn
the place down. |
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TED
That was a wise decision. |
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8.
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DEBBIE
What would you do with four kids
at home? |
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SARAH walks up to DEBBIE. |
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SARAH
Hey, Debs. Hello, dumb-ass. |
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TED
You too, ignorant slut. |
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SARAH
Damn, you go down on a man in a
club once and suddenly your a
slut. |
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DEBBIE
(gasps)
I think I did that at my party
last night. |
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TED
I was there. You didn't. Oh, you
tried, but failed. |
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DEBBIE
I failed? How do you fail
fellatio? |
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SARAH
By eating a pickle instead. |
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DEBBIE
Okay, can we stop the sex talk I'm
starting to remember bits and
pieces of that. |
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SARAH
How much longer until you remember
that the guy you tried to go down
on was Ted? |
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DEBBIE
Now I need a shower. With Bleach
and steel wool. |
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The phone RINGS and DEBBIE picks it up. |
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9.
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DEBBIE (cont'd)
(into phone)
Hello. Yes, Mister Holloway. |
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DEBBIE hangs up the phone and picks up a notepad and a pen.
SARAH starts to walk away. |
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SARAH
Well I gotta go, I have things to
do and your boss scares me. |
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TED
I hate the hair in his ears. It's
like he's growing corn in there. |
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SARAH and TED exit. DEBBIE enters the office behind her
desk. |
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INT. MIKE'S OFFICE |
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DEBBIE enters. Sitting at the desk is MIKE HOLLOWAY, early
50's, an aged man with gray hair and a dark suit. He looks
like he just came from a funeral and has an intimidating,
slightly scary look to him. DEBBIE sits in a chair in front
of MIKE'S desk. |
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DEBBIE
When your ready, mister Holloway. |
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INT. HALLWAY |
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SARAH walks back over to the desk and put her ear to the
door of the office. Soon after, TED shows up and puts his
ear to the door, too. |
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TED
To see if he's drunk. You? |
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SARAH
He's a skirt chaser, I'm here for
backup. |
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INT. MIKE'S OFFICE |
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DEBBIE still sits in the chair, writing short hand. MIKE
sits at his desk. She waits for him to start dictating a
letter to her, but just stares at her. |
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DEBBIE
I'm waiting, Mister Holloway. |
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10.
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MIKE throws a pencil on the floor. |
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MIKE
Can you pick that up? |
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DEBBIE
Let me save you the trouble. |
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DEBBIE gets up and bends down to pick up the pencil, with
her cleavage facing MIKE. She then undoes the top button and
opens her shirt a little. After she picks the pencil off the
floor, she jiggles her breasts a little. She then puts the
pencil on his desk and starts for the door. |
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DEBBIE exits. |
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INT. HALLWAY |
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DEBBIE opens the door. SARAH and TED walk off in different
directions. DEBBIE buttons the top button on her blouse and
sits at her desk. |
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DEBBIE (cont'd)
God, secretary. What was I
thinking?
(organizing desk)
I'm setting women back a hundred
freakin' years. |
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The phone RINGS. |
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DEBBIE (cont'd)
Leave me alone! |
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The phone RINGS, again. DEBBIE picks up the phone. |
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DEBBIE (cont'd)
(into phone)
"New York, New York Records!"
Please buy a CD we're going broke. |
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11.
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INTERCUT: |
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INT. DEBBIE'S DESK - HALLWAY |
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INT. PHONE BOOTH - ENGLAND |
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Inside the phone both is JAMES FELLMAN, late 40's, DEBBIE'S
brother. He looks just like DAVID, but older. He speaks into
the phone, seemingly in a rush. |
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DEBBIE
James! Are you calling collect? If
you are I'm gonna kick your ass! |
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JAMES
Of course not it's England. Too
close for collect calling. |
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DEBBIE
So, if you were in Afghanistan
we'd being having a conversation
that would slowly push me into
poverty. |
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JAMES
Of course, anyway I have news. |
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DEBBIE
Is it good or bad news? |
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JAMES
Depends how you take it. |
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END OF ACT ONE |
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12.
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FADE IN: |
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INTERCUT: |
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INT. DEBBIE'S DESK - "NEW YORK, NEW YORK RECORDS" - DAY |
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INT. PHONE BOOTH - ENGLAND |
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DEBBIE sits at her desk, still on the phone with JAMES. |
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DEBBIE
You're a forty-something widower
with four kids, who would marry
you. And your insanity doesn't
help. |
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JAMES
Look, I only called so you can let
my kids know that they should go
home and pack their things and
move here. |
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DEBBIE
Wait, who did you marry? |
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JAMES
Her is Candi, she's a dream. |
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DEBBIE
She's a whore who marries a guy
she's only known for three days.
Did you say that she's a dream? |
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JAMES
She's not a whore, she's a dream. |
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DEBBIE
Stop saying that it makes you
sound like Greg Brady. |
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JAMES
A has ten foot legs, long hair and
a cute laugh. |
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DEBBIE
I hate her already. How come you
didn't tell me earlier? |
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13.
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JAMES
I told you I just got married. |
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JAMES
I'm in a phone booth outside the
hotel I'm honeymooning at. |
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DEBBIE
Why are you calling you form a
phone booth? This isn't
nineteen-seventy. |
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JAMES
I don't the phone on me, they
don't let in church. |
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JAMES
Yeah, I just got here from the
church. |
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DEBBIE
James, how long have you been
married? |
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JAMES
My time or your time? |
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DEBBIE
It Should be the same amount
either way. |
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JAMES
No, I think it's different
depending on time zones. |
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DEBBIE
James, your stalling, spit it out
or I will reach through this phone
and poke your eyes out THREE
STOOGES style. |
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JAMES
Well I got married at noon my
time, which is seven A-M to you. |
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DEBBIE looks at her computer. |
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14.
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DEBBIE
It's ten after eleven. You've been
married for four hours? |
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JAMES
That would explain the passionate
sex in the indoor pool. |
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DEBBIE
You had sex in the hotel pool? |
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JAMES
No, the one at the church. |
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DEBBIE
James, come home. You're not well. |
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JAMES
Look, I have to go. Candi's taking
her top off. |
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DEBBIE
Candi spells her name with an "I",
doesn't she? |
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JAMES
Yep. Anyway, tell the kids I'm
married and stuff and we'll find a
way to get them out here A-S-A-P. |
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JAMES hangs up the phone. |
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INT. DEBBIE'S DESK - "NEW YORK, NEW YORK RECORDS" |
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DEBBIE slams the receiver on the cradle. |
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SARAH pokes her head around the corner form down the hall
with a shocked look on her face. She then runs up to
DEBBIE'S desk. |
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15.
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DEBBIE
My brother, James, got married
this morning and had sex in the
communion pool at the church. |
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DEBBIE
He wants me to tell the kids for
him and have them pack their
things and move out there. |
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SARAH
Move to another country? That
isn't good. I knew a kid at my
high school that moved form Canada
and he had to change schools
because of some bullies. |
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DEBBIE
Oh, yeah I remember you telling me
about it. But, when you tell it
the kid who moved was refereed to
as the "weirdo Canadian" and
weren't you one of the bullies? |
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SARAH
Yeah, that's not the point. |
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DEBBIE
Then what's your point? |
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SARAH
There has to be one? |
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DEBBIE starts beating her head on the desk. |
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INT. LIVING ROOM - FELLMAN RESIDENCE - NIGHT |
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EMMA cooks something in the kitchen, surrounded by a huge
mess. ZACK is watching TV and eating DORITOS on the couch.
JENNY uses her computer at the table by the window behind
the living room, with her headphones on. DAVID sits across
from her reading a book. |
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DEBBIE enters, tired. She throws her purse on the coat rack
and looks around the apartment. |
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DEBBIE
Oh, I'm so glad you're all happy
I'm home. |
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16.
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DEBBIE looks at EMMA in horror. She runs over to the
kitchen. |
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INT. KITCHEN |
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EMMA continues to stir something in a pot. DEBBIE looks
around at the mess. |
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DEBBIE
What did you do in here? |
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EMMA
When you said you were coming home
late, I decided to make dinner. |
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DEBBIE
Why didn't one of the older kids
do it? |
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EMMA
I always did the cooking at home
when daddy was late. |
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EMMA
Well, Jenny can't cook to save her
life, David thinks that guys
shouldn't cook and Zack is too
lazy to get off his ass and do
anything. |
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DEBBIE
Have guys done nothing all day? |
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JENNY takes her headphones off and turns to DEBBIE. |
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JENNY
We're under eighteen, have no jobs
and it's the dead of July. What
else would we be doing? |
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17.
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DEBBIE
You're right, that was stupid a
question. |
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EMMA
I've been making spaghetti and
meatballs for hours. It took me
forever to find the spices I
needed in your kitchen and I still
had to go to the store and get
some. |
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SARAH enters. JENNY takes her headphones off. |
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SARAH
I forgot something. |
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SARAH
I don't have food in my apartment. |
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DEBBIE
(sarcastically)
Hey, Sarah why don't you eat her? |
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SARAH starts walking towards the kitchen. |
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SARAH
(heading for
kitchen)
No, I couldn't impose like that.
I'm too much of a lady. |
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SARAH sits at the dinner table. |
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SARAH (cont'd)
What's for dinner? |
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EMMA
Spaghetti and meatballs. I made it
myself. |
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SARAH
She made it herself? |
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DEBBIE
I'm confused, too. |
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18.
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DEBBIE sits at the dinner table across SARAH. JENNY puts her
headphones. EMMA continues to stir the spaghetti. |
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DEBBIE
(whispering)
When should I tell them? |
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SARAH
(whispering)
You haven't told them yet? |
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ZACK
Hey, can you guys speak up? We
can't hear you. |
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DEBBIE
(whispering)
I just got here. Let me get them
happy about being here and then
I'll drop the bomb. |
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EMMA grabs some pot holders out of the drawer and heads for
the pot of boiling spaghetti. DEBBIE turns just as EMMA
grabs a strainer. DEBBIE gets up and heads into the kitchen. |
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INT. KITCHEN |
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DEBBIE enters as EMMA grabs the pot by the handles with the
pot holders. |
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DEBBIE (cont'd)
You need help with that? |
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EMMA struggles to get the pot of the stove top. |
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EMMA steps back and before she can hand her the pot holders,
DEBBIE grabs the handles of pot and SCREAMS in pain. DEBBIE
lets go of pot and jumps back, hitting the fridge and
knocking over some pottery sending it crashing to the floor. |
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19.
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DAVID, JENNY and ZACK jump up and run to the kitchen. |
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DEBBIE holds up her hands with a look of horror on her face. |
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DEBBIE
My hands! I look like Fred
Krueger! |
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SARAH walks up to DEBBIE and looks at her hands. |
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SARAH
Oh. Ya' know what I think? |
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SARAH
I think we should eat. |
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SARAH walks over to the pot and starts stirring it. DEBBIE
looks at her confused. |
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INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER |
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ALL sits at the table, almost done with dinner. DEBBIE has
bandages on her hands and holds her fork in a clumsy way.
The others stare at her as she uses both hands to twirl the
spaghetti around her fork and also use both hands to get the
fork in her mouth |
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JENNY
Need help, Aunt Deb? |
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DEBBIE shoves a fork full of too much spaghetti into her
mouth and tries to chew it. |
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DEBBIE
(mouth full)
I'm good. |
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ZACK
She reminds of the dog we used to
have. |
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DEBBIE chews her food and swallows the chewed up pieces in
one gulp. She coughs and takes a sip of her ginger ale. |
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20.
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DEBBIE
So, kids, how was your day? |
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JENNY
Well, being that we did absolutely
friggin' nothing, today was a
great day. |
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SARAH
I found a gray hair, killed a
mouse and stubbed my toe all
before I went in the shower. |
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There is a long silence. |
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ZACK
So, how'd you kill it? |
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SARAH
The mouse? Oh, I flushed it. |
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DEBBIE
Emma, you just said it was gross. |
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EMMA
Yeah, but it's still just a
defenseless mouse. |
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JENNY'S phone starts to vibrate. She gets it out of her
pocket and looks at it. |
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JENNY
Dad has a FACEBOOK update. |
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ZACK
I'm shocked. Dad can use a
computer? |
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EMMA
Can he even spell computer? |
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JENNY
What's so important that he would
need to post it on FACEBOOK. |
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21.
|
JENNY clicks around on her phone. DEBBIE wipes her face with
her napkin and throws it on her plate. SARAH'S eyes widen. |
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JENNY clicks through her phone and suddenly, her jaw drops
and she sits up. |
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JENNY
He's posting pictures of him and
his new wife Candi on their
honeymoon.
(to Debbie)
She's a perky little tart isn't
she? |
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DEBBIE
I haven't seen her yet. But, yes
she is. |
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DAVID
That's the bad news? |
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DEBBIE
He wants you guys to move there. |
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ZACK
Why can't she move here? |
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SARAH
Her boobs only have power in her
homeland. Everywhere else, they're
basically two fried eggs on a
nail. |
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22.
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| |
DAVID
What makes you say that? |
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JENNY
Have you seen British women? |
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JENNY holds the phone in front of EMMA with a picture of
CANDI on it. |
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ZACK grabs the phone and points it over to him and SARAH,
who is next to him. |
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JENNY turns to DEBBIE and DAVID. |
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JENNY
You guys want to see? |
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EMMA
So, we have to move? |
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JENNY
I can't live in England. I'm too
pretty for England. |
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DAVID
Right, your jail bait over there. |
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EMMA throws her napkin on her plate and gets up. |
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23.
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EMMA runs into the bathroom and slams the door shut. |
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SARAH
I hope so, she just had dinner. |
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ZACK slams his napkin on the table, walks over into the
living room and sits on the couch with his arms crossed. |
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JENNY
David, don't start. |
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JENNY gets up, goes into the living room and sits next to
ZACK on the couch. |
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DEBBIE
I knew he'd do this! |
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DEBBIE slams her hand on the table. She then clutches it in
pain. |
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SARAH
You knew he'd get married? |
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DEBBIE
Not exactly, but he's always
pulled this kind of crap. He never
cared what anyone thought or what
would happen to them if he did
anything major. |
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DAVID sighs and slumps in his chair. |
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DEBBIE (cont'd)
David, I'm sorry. Your dad's not a
bad guy. He's just an immature,
pompous ass. |
|
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| |
SARAH
And he owes me money. |
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DEBBIE jumps out of her seat. |
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DEBBIE
I got it! No one stop me, I'm on a
roll. |
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DEBBIE runs over to the bathroom. She knocks on the door. As
EMMA opens the door, DEBBIE runs over to the coffee table
and picks up her phone. She gets a piece of paper out of her
purse, also on the coffee table. |
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24.
|
| |
JENNY
What are you doing? |
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| |
DEBBIE
I said don't stop me. |
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DEBBIE types a number into her phone and puts it to her ear.
After a while the person on the other line picks up. |
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| |
DEBBIE (cont'd)
(into phone)
Hey, James it's me, Debbie. |
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Everyone in the room goes into shock. Their jaws drop and
their eyes widen. |
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| |
DEBBIE (cont'd)
(into phone)
I just decided something. Your an
immature, pompous ass, who doesn't
deserve to have the great kids you
have and I don't want you to throw
them across the country just so
you can hump a human chemical
toilet. I keeping the kids. Call
me back when your done holding
your bride's hair as she pukes so
I can tell you how stupid you are. |
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DEBBIE hangs up and slams the phone on the coffee table.
EMMA runs over to DEBBIE and hugs her. |
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| |
JENNY
What the hell did you just do? |
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SARAH
I think she just screwed herself. |
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THE END |
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