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Average Joe
by nathan illsley (nillsley@comcast.net)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review:
NOT YET
RATED

After Joe Anderson finds out that his girlfriend has been cheating on him, his three best friends take him on a road trip to UMASS Amherst to take his mind of off his ex. A gross out teen comedy in the tradition of Superbad.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

EXT. STONEHILL COLLEGE - DAY
                                                            
The camera pans across the campus. The sun is shining and it
is a beautiful Spring day. People are walking between
classes, studying on the quad, throwing frisbees, ect.
                                                            
 
EXT. BENAGLIA HALL - DAY
                                                            
Benaglia is a typical dorm from the outside. Several
students walk out the front door.
                                                            
 
INT. BENAGLIA HALL - COMMON ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Sitting in common room are three boys.

NATE, 18 or 19, is very tall, wearing cargo shorts, and a
t-shirt. He has fairly short hair and sits with his legs
spread.

Gerry is also 18 or 19, short, darker skinned, long mush
cut, wearing fairly tight jeans and a graphic Express-style
t-shirt.

Dan is 19, sitting in white cargo shorts, and a grey
sweatshirt. He has a buzz cut.
                                                            
                       NATE
What's the difference between a
pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?
                                                            
                       GERRY
What?
                                                            
                       NATE
I don't have a Ferrari in my
garage.
                                                            
                       DAN
How do you fit 10 dead babies into
a bucket?
                                                            
                       NATE
How?
                                                            
                       DAN
A blender. How do you get them
out?
                                                            

2.

                       GERRY
How?
                                                            
                       DAN
Tostitos.
                                                            
                       GERRY
What's worse then ten dead babies
nailed to a tree?
                                                            
                       NATE
What?
                                                            
                       GERRY
One dead baby nailed to ten trees.
                                                            
                       DAN
I seriously can't wait to have a
kid. I want to be the best dad
possible. Like so many dads today
don't get involved with their kids
lives. They just sit around the
house and watch TV and eat junk
food while their kids wander
around and eat lead paint and play
with mousetraps. I just wanna be
the dad that takes them to the
beach, and coaches their baseball
team, and shows them how to ride a
bike...
                                                            
                       NATE
      (interrupts)
Dude what the fuck are you talking
about?
                                                            
                       DAN
You're really gonna sit there and
tell me parenting hasn't ever
crossed your mind?
                                                            
                       NATE
Not once.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Never.
                                                            
                       DAN
It's all I think about man. Like I
have to plan this type of thing
out now. I might never get around
to it later. Sometimes life throws
you a curve ball, ya know?
                                                            

3.

                       NATE
No, I literally have no idea what
that mean.
                                                            
                       GERRY
If you use condoms you have less
of a chance of getting thrown a
curve ball. They prevent against
STD's too.
                                                            
JOE enters the room. He has a backpack on and just came from
class. He is roughly the same age and wears jeans, a blue
polo and grey undershirt, a blue Red Sox hat, and work
boots.
                                                            
                       JOE
What's up guys?
                                                            
                       NATE
At this point I have no idea.
Somehow dead baby jokes just
turned to a conversation on
parenting.
                                                            
                       DAN
Would you rather be the baseball
coach dad or the potato chip
eating TV watching dad?
                                                            
Joe scoffs and looks to Gerry and Nate for clarification.
                                                            
                       JOE
Is he serious right now?
                                                            
                       DAN
You guys are seriously so simple
minded. Have fun when your kids
resent you.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Sit down Joe, there's always room
for one more at coffee talk.
                                                            
                       JOE
Nah, I can't. I'm going to have
lunch with Laura. She said she has
something big to tell me.
                                                            
Gerry and Nate cough as they swear about Laura.
                                                            
                       NATE
Bitch!
                                                            

4.

                       GERRY
Slut!
                                                            
                       JOE
You guys can blow me.
                                                            
                       DAN
She's probably pregnant. You know
you laugh now but in nine months
you'll be wishing you had the
parenting talk with me. See if I'm
willing to have it then. I don't
forget shit like this.
                                                            
                       JOE
She's not pregnant dick.
                                                            
                       NATE
Why not? Trouble in the bedroom?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Go have lunch with whore face
before she chops your balls off
for being late.
                                                            
                       JOE
I'll be sure to give her your
regards.
                                                            
                       DAN
Why do you date that girl man? She
sucks so bad.
                                                            
                       NATE
Probably her winning personality.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Well to be fair strippers have to
be friendly or else they'd lose
money.
                                                            
                       JOE
You guys don't know her like I do.
She's seriously an amazing girl
and she'd stick with me through
anything.
                                                            
 
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
                                                            
Joe and LAURA sit at a lunch table. Laura is around the same
age as Joe and clearly thinks too highly of herself. The
entire way she carries herself suggests an arrogant

5.

personality and overall tone of condescension.

She is wearing right jeans, black Uggs, and a black tank
top.
                                                            
                       LAURA
I think we should break up.
                                                            
Joe looks up from his food in utter shock.
                                                            
                       JOE
What?
                                                            
                       LAURA
I don't think I can do this
anymore.
                                                            
                       JOE
What can't you do?
                                                            
                       LAURA
It's just that, I don't know, with
us going abroad to different
countries we wont be able to stay
in touch and we'd fade apart. It'd
be much harder than if we just
broke up now.
                                                            
Joe speaks frantically and moves his hands accordingly.
                                                            
                       JOE
Wha... Lau... I'll change it.
I'll, I'll go to Italy to be near
you. I don't care what I have to
do I'll do it.
                                                            
                       LAURA
Joe it's more than just that.
                                                            
                       JOE
What is it then? I don't get it!
Is there someone else?
                                                            
                       LAURA
Joe, come on, of course not.
                                                            
                       JOE
Then what else is it?
                                                            
                       JOE
Joe... You're a great guy Joe.
You're good looking, you're smart,
you know how to treat a girl,
you're an amazing boyfriend...
            (MORE)

6.

                       JOE (cont'd)
you're seriously everything I
could ask for.
                                                            
Joe pauses for a moment, confused.
                                                            
                       JOE
So you think I'm perfect but you
want to break up?
                                                            
                       LAURA
Joe, please don't make this any
harder than it has to be.
                                                            
                       JOE
Who is it?
                                                            
                       LAURA
Joe...
                                                            
                       JOE
I have the fucking right to know!
                                                            
Joe slams his hands on the table.

A beat.
                                                            
                       LAURA
You don't need to know.
                                                            
                       JOE
I don't fucking believe this, is
it Barry?
                                                            
                       LAURA
Joe, come on.
                                                            
                       JOE
Then who? Is it Jay? It's Jay
isn't it?
                                                            
                       LAURA
Stop it!
                                                            
                       JOE
Don't talk to me like that. You're
gonna sit here and tell me you're
leaving me for someone else and
then you expect me not to ask who
it is? Are you fucking kidding
me!?
                                                            

7.

A beat.

Laura looks to the side and speaks under her breath.
                                                            
                       LAURA
Mitch.
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       JOE
What?
                                                            
She looks him directly in the eyes.
                                                            
                       LAURA
Mitch!
                                                            
                       JOE
Mitch?
                                                            
                       LAURA
Yeah.
                                                            
                       JOE
Mitch "the bitch" Fitzgibbons?
                                                            
                       LAURA
He's not a bitch.
                                                            
                       JOE
Oh he is too a bitch Laura. He is
the textbook fucking definition of
a bitch. He got homesick at
orientation and hid inside a
goddamn washing machine.
                                                            
                       LAURA
Orientation is a rough transition
for a lot of people.
                                                            
                       JOE
What about when he screamed and
ran because he saw the albino
squirrel?
                                                            
                       LAURA
He's... a nice guy.
                                                            
                       JOE
No he's not, he's a scrawny little
bitch and he looks like a lesbian.
He has a fucking blonde mohawk!
                                                            

8.

                       LAURA
I'm sorry Joe... I didn't want it
to happen like this.
                                                            
Joe gets progressively more angry and flustered.
                                                            
                       JOE
How the fuck did you want it to
happen then!? Did you want me to
walk in on you getting jack
hammered by Mitch the Bitch!?
                                                            
                       LAURA
Joe, I'm sorry. It's over.
                                                            
Joe stands up and begins to walk away. After several steps
he walks back.
                                                            
                       JOE
Have fun with Hillary Clinton,
Laura. I hope he doesn't break
down and cry when he sees you
without makeup.
                                                            
He turns around and storms out.
                                                            
 
INT. BENAGLIA HALL - COMMON ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Dan, Gerry, and Nate are all still sitting where they were
when Joe left.
                                                            
                       NATE
What's the difference between a
dead baby and a watermelon?
                                                            
                       GERRY
What?
                                                            
                       NATE
One you hit with a hammer, the
other is a watermelon. Hey joe!
                                                            
Nate looks up at Joe who walks into the common room.
                                                            
                       DAN
That was a quick lunch. What, did
they run out of souls for her to
eat or something?
                                                            
                       JOE
Fuck you!
                                                            

9.

Nate, Gerry, and Dan look at each other in shock at Joe's
tone.
                                                            
                       NATE
Whoa, what happened?
                                                            
                       JOE
Laura fucking dumped me... for
Mitch Fitzgibbons.
                                                            
Joe slams down onto a chair.

Several moments pass in silence until Dan laughs to himself.
                                                            
                       DAN
Wait, what, are you serious?
                                                            
Nate punches Dan in the arm.
                                                            
                       NATE
      (quietly)
Dude!
                                                            
                       GERRY
Mitch the Bitch?
                                                            
                       JOE
What the fuck!? How did this
happen!? I was the best boyfriend
in the world.
                                                            
A bedroom door opens and BRIAN enters the room. He is 19
years old, wearing khaki pants, a brown striped sweater,
bobbing up and down as he walks. He has blonde hair that is
incredibly curly and messy, and he wears think eyeglasses.
He speaks with a slight lisp. He has a lanyard around his
neck that he is holding onto for dear life. He is
potentially the most awkward human alive.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Hey guys, how you doing?
                                                            
Joe looks up angrily.
                                                            
                       JOE
Well Brian, how the hell does is
look like I'm doing?
                                                            
                       BRIAN
What the heck happened!?
                                                            
                       NATE
Laura broke up with him.
                                                            

10.

                       BRIAN
Who the heck is Laura?
                                                            
                       NATE
His girlfriend, Brian.
                                                            
Brian scoffs.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Not anymore I guess. Joe you need
to move on, ok? What the heck do
you want with a girl like her
anyways?
                                                            
                       JOE
Brian, you don't even know her.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Let me tell you something. I know
plenty of women. I am great with
the women. And this one (laughs)
doesn't seem like a catch. She
seems…
                                                            
Joe stands up and walks towards his room.
                                                            
                       JOE
      (interrupts)
Well, I can't even begin to handle
you right now, Brian, so I'm going
in my room.
                                                            
Joe slams his door.
                                                            
Brian bursts out laughing.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
It looks like somebody needs a
good nights sleep!
                                                            
                       NATE
      (to himself)
Looks like somebody needs to be
euthanized.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
What?
                                                            
                       NATE
What?
                                                            
Dan, Gerry, and Nate stand up and walk towards Nate's room.
Brian stands up a moment later and follows suit.
                                                            

11.

                       GERRY
We need to cheer him up somehow.
                                                            
                       NATE
Yeah but how?
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Well, I think the best thing...
                                                            
Gerry, Dan, and Nate slam the door behind them before Brian
can enter.

Brian turns around and bobs out of frame.
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATE’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
They all continue on as if nothing just happened.
                                                            
                       GERRY
We need to get his mind off her.
He needs to forget about that
bitch.
                                                            
                       DAN
I can't believe she screwed him
over like that.
                                                            
                       NATE
I can. We need to get him hammered
this weekend and find him a
rebound girl.
                                                            
                       DAN
Nah, you know he wont go for that.
He's probably not even gonna go
out this weekend.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Even if he does go out he's gonna
run into Laura and then get upset.
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       NATE
What if we went to a different
school?
                                                            
                       DAN
What for?
                                                            

12.

                       NATE
We need to get him far away from
anything that has to do with her.
If we go someplace else it's like
a new world. Fresh campus, fresh
girls, fresh stories... no Laura.
                                                            
                       GERRY
You could be right dude. I mean he
always tells us all the stupid
shit that reminds him of her.
There isn't a place on this campus
that isn't gonna depress him.
                                                            
                       DAN
You know how he gets when he's
drunk too. He always gets
sentimental and tells us he loves
us. If that turns into being sad
he'll lose it.
                                                            
                       GERRY
So where should we go?
                                                            
                       NATE
Well where hasn't he been?
                                                            
                       GERRY
I don't think he's been anywhere
since he's been dating her.
                                                            
                       DAN
We need a party school. He doesn't
need anything timid.
                                                            
                       NATE
Let's face it, we need someplace
the girls are jonesin' for a
bonesin'.
                                                            
                       GERRY
So we need someplace with hot,
drunk, girls.
                                                            
A beat.

Gerry and Nate speak in unison.
                                                            
                       NATE
UMASS.
                                                            
                       GERRY
UMASS.
                                                            

13.

Dan acts disgusted.
                                                            
                       DAN
Wait, wait, wait. So the plan is
to get our extremely depressed
friend belligerently drunk, bring
him to someplace he isn't familiar
with, take him to parties with
people he doesn't know, try to get
him to meet girls who probably
have herpes, and then get him to
hook up with these girls?
                                                            
                       NATE
Yes.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Absolutely.
                                                            
Dans disgusted face turns to a mischievous smile.
                                                            
                       DAN
Fuckin' A baby. But do you think
HE'LL go for it?
                                                            
                       NATE
Doesn't matter, we'll make him.
                                                            
Gerry drops his cell phone on the floor. Nate picks it up.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Go ahead, try to look through it.
It has a finger print lock.
                                                            
                       DAN
Seriously?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Yeah when you turn it on the first
time it has you press all four
corners and then the center to
scan your fingerprints. Top notch
security.
                                                            
                       NATE
No, that just calibrates the touch
screen.
                                                            
                       GERRY
      (sarcastically)
Yeah, okay.
                                                            
 

14.

INT. BENAGLIA HALL - COMMON ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Gerry and Nate's door opens and the three guys walk out.
They walk directly across the hall to Joe and Dan's room,
ignoring Brian who is still standing there.

Brian walks towards the guys.

Nate knocks on the door.
                                                            
                       NATE
Hey Joe?
                                                            
Nate opens the door and walks into Joe's room with Dan and
Gerry. They slam the door on Brian right as he gets to them,
just as they had before. Brian again bobs out of frame.
                                                            
 
INT. JOE AND DAN’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Joe is lying in bed with the windows closed, crying. Nate
flips on a light and Gerry and Dan each open a window.
                                                            
                       NATE
You alright man?
                                                            
                       JOE
She destroyed me man. She cheated
on me and she brought me down as
low as I could be.
                                                            
                       DAN
She's a bitch. That's what bitches
do.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I know you're not in the mood to
talk about anything else right now
but I think we have an idea to
cheer you up.
                                                            
                       JOE
What's that?
                                                            
                       GERRY
We wanna take you out this
weekend, bro. Not like usual
though. Usually we all do our own
thing by the end of the night, but
this time it's all about you.
                                                            

15.

                       NATE
We think if you just went out and
had fun this weekend and didn't
think about that Nazi of an
ex-girlfriend you'd feel better.
                                                            
Joe shakes his head negatively.
                                                            
                       JOE
I can't see them together dude.
I'll fucking lose my mind if I see
them out together.
                                                            
                       DAN
We figured that, so we wanna take
you somewhere else.
                                                            
                       JOE
Where?
                                                            
                       GERRY
UMASS.
                                                            
                       NATE
Think about it man. It'd just be
us going out and having fun in a
different environment. Nobody
knows us there, nobody is gonna
judge you or ask about your
relationship. Mitch "the bitch"
sure as hell isn't gonna be there.
                                                            
                       DAN
It'd just be the guys having a
good time.
                                                            
                       GERRY
You could probably get a beej from
some random girl too.
                                                            
Nate punches Gerry in the arm.
                                                            
                       JOE
I don't know. I don't think I
should go out this weekend. You
guys go. I'd rather just stay here
in case Laura calls me or
anything. She's probably gonna
want me back when she realizes
what a bitch he really is.
                                                            
Nate smiles, nods his head, reaches over to Joe's desk, and
picks up his chap stick.
                                                            

16.

                       NATE
Okay, how about this, either you
agree to come with us or I shove
your chap stick up your ass.
                                                            
Joe sniffles and laughs a little.
                                                            
                       JOE
What?
                                                            
                       NATE
That's my final deal.
                                                            
                       JOE
You're not gonna put chap stick up
my ass.
                                                            
                       NATE
Hold him.
                                                            
Dan and Gerry both immediately hold Joe down to the bed and
they all laugh.
                                                            
                       NATE
You coming with us this weekend?
                                                            
                       JOE
No!
                                                            
Nate pokes Joe with the chap stick.
                                                            
                       NATE
This is gonna hurt Joe!
                                                            
                       JOE
Fine!
                                                            
Joe stops squirming.
                                                            
                       DAN
You have some fight in you for
such a pussy!
                                                            
                       JOE
Maybe you guys are right. Maybe I
hafta get away from this shit.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
      (from outside)
What the heck are you guys doing
in there?
                                                            

17.

                       NATE
Dear God.
                                                            
Nate puts his head in his hands.
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATE’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Nate, Gerry, and Dan sit in the room and Nate has cell phone
to his ear.
                                                            
 
INT. CHAD’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
CHAD sits in his room at UMASS playing Bloons on his laptop.
He is 18 or 19 years old, fairly short haircut underneath a
Bruins hat. He is an average build and has the beginnings of
a beard.

Chad's cell phone rings with the ring tone "Evacuate the
Dancefloor" by Cascada.

Behind him we can see posters of girls in bathing suits, The
Bruins, The Celtics, and Bob Marley. Another boy, FRANK,
sits in the background at a keyboard facing the opposite
direction.

Chad looks at the phone and see's "Nate Cell" calling. He
puts the phone up to his ear and continues to play on the
computer as he speaks.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Hey, what's good man?
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATE’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
Hey what's up man, I have a huge
favor to ask.
                                                            
 
INT. CHAD’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       CHAD
Yeah, no worries, what is it?
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATE’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
I feel really bad asking but can
me and three other guys from
Stonehill come up this weekend? My
            (MORE)

18.

                       NATE (cont'd)
buddy Joe just got dumped for this
Peewee Hermanish dude and he
really needs to get of campus or
he's gonna lose his mind.
                                                            
 
INT. CHAD’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Chad looses the round in Bloons.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Shit! Um, yeah that should be
fine. What night were you
thinking?
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATE’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
Doesn't matter, whatever night for
is better for you is fine with us.
                                                            
 
INT. CHAD’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Chad loses the same round of Bloons again.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Mother fucker!
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATE’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       NATE
We can just find someplace else to
go if its a big deal.
                                                            
 
INT. CHAD’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       CHAD
No no, it's not you... it's this
fuckin' monkey.
                                                            
Chad slams his laptop closed.
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATE’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Nate looks confused.
                                                            

19.

                       NATE
What?
                                                            
 
INT. CHAD’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       CHAD
Nothing. Umm yeah, I think if you
guys wanted to come up on Friday
it'd be cool. I have to check with
my roommate but he shouldn't have
a problem.
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATE’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
You sure he'll be cool with it?
                                                            
 
INT. CHAD’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       CHAD
Hold on, I'll ask him.
                                                            
Chad puts the phone against his chest and yells to Frank
without even turning around.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Frank! Four kids you don't know
are staying in our room Friday
night. Find someplace else to
fucking sleep!
                                                            
Chad puts the phone back up to his head and resumes talking
calmly as he had before.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Yeah, he's completely fine with
it.
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATE’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
Shit man I owe you. I really
appreciate this. What time should
we come up?
                                                            
 

20.

INT. CHAD’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       CHAD
I don't know, if you guys got here
at like 7 or so that'd be good.
The frats don't really start until
later, so we could pregame here
for a little first.
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATE’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
Yeah absolutely, that's fine with
us.
                                                            
Gerry nudges Nate.
                                                            
                       GERRY
The sluts! Make sure to ask about
the sluts.
                                                            
                       NATE
Oh right. Chad, do you have any
horny friends?
                                                            
 
INT. CHAD’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       CHAD
Yeah, a ton.
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATE’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
You think any of them would hook
up with my buddy Joe?
                                                            
 
INT. CHAD’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       CHAD
No.
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATE’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
Seriously? How do you know?
                                                            
 

21.

INT. CHAD’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       CHAD
All my friends are guys.
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATE’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
You know what I mean dick, do you
have any horny friends that are
girls?
                                                            
 
INT. CHAD’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       CHAD
Don't worry about man. We'll hit
up the frats and find a shit load
of girls for him to pick from.
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATE’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
You getting many girls?
                                                            
 
INT. CHAD’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Right, so I'll see you guys Friday
then?
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATE’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
Alright... Friday it is. Thanks
again man.
                                                            
Nate hangs up the phone.
                                                            
                       DAN
We good?
                                                            
                       NATE
We're all set.
                                                            
 

22.

INT. NATE’S CAR - DAY
                                                            
Nate, Joe, Gerry, and Dan all drive in Nate's car.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I'm pumped for Friday. I haven't
been up there yet.
                                                            
                       DAN
So what exactly is the plan?
                                                            
                       NATE
Chad said we can pregame in his
dorm for a little bit and then
head to the frats after.
                                                            
                       GERRY
      (in Jamaican
       accent)
We gone be slayin' mad beethches!
                                                            
                       DAN
Right.
                                                            
The car pulls into a CVS parking lot and they all exit the
car.
                                                            
 
EXT. CVS PARKING LOT - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
You guys head inside, I have to
mail this letter next door really
quick.
                                                            
                       JOE
I'll go with you. I don't need
anything inside.
                                                            
                       DAN
Who's the letter to?
                                                            
                       NATE
Gramie, of course.
                                                            
Joe and Nate walk through the parking lot. Dan and Gerry
head inside CVS.
                                                            
                       JOE
You know there's no stamp on that
right?
                                                            

23.

                       NATE
Yeah it's fine, I just put her
address as the return address and
don't put a stamp on it and then
when they "return" it to the
sender it just goes to her. Free
postage.
                                                            
                       JOE
You're a genius... and you're
committing mail fraud.
                                                            
 
INT. CVS - DAY
                                                            
Gerry and Dan walk through a random aisle.
                                                            
                       DAN
So what do you think about Joe?
                                                            
                       GERRY
What do you mean?
                                                            
                       DAN
You think he's gonna be alright?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Who the hell knows, man. I think
he's a lot better without that
ugly whore. Whether he agrees with
me or not is yet to be seen. I
think he's probably going to be
depressed for a little bit, but
it's nothing he won't get out of.
                                                            
                       DAN
What about this weekend? You think
he'll go for a girl?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Honestly? I think that Katy Perry
could be standing naked in a tub
of KY with the words "do me Joe
Anderson" written on her tits and
he wouldn't even notice. I mean I
might be wrong but I don't think
he's really ready to play the
field yet.
                                                            
                       DAN
I don't know. Maybe he'll be
better when he actually sees the
girls up there.
                                                            

24.

A CVS EMPLOYEE approaches Dan and Gerry.
                                                            
                       CVS EMPLOYEE
Can I help you guys find anything?
                                                            
                       DAN
Yeah, do you guys sell Will Smith
memorabilia?
                                                            
 
EXT. CAFETERIA - DAY
                                                            
Joe, Dan, Gerry, and Nate all walk outside the cafe.

A bike cop rides by them.
                                                            
                       JOE
I don't get why we have bike cops.
It's such a waste of money.
                                                            
                       NATE
You know a friend of mine back
home got arrested by a bike cop?
                                                            
                       GERRY
How did that happen?
                                                            
                       NATE
He was smoking pot behind the
movie theatre in my town and the
bike cop pulled up and caught him.
                                                            
                       DAN
Why didn't he just run or
something?
                                                            
                       NATE
I don't know, he was high, he
thought it was funny. He kept
asking the cop to peg him.
                                                            
                       JOE
So how'd they get him back to the
station?
                                                            
                       NATE
The cop told him they had donuts
for him there.
                                                            
                       DAN
Your friend may or may not have
been retarded too, man.
                                                            
 

25.

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
                                                            
Gerry, Dan, and Joe sit at a table. Nate approaches carrying
his tray of food and sits with them.

Gerry, Dan, and Joe all have some sort of pasta dish and
Nate has a wrap.
                                                            
                       GERRY
What is that?
                                                            
Gerry points to Nate's wrap.
                                                            
                       NATE
Hummus wrap.
                                                            
Joe shakes his head disapprovingly.
                                                            
                       JOE
Really?
                                                            
                       NATE
What's wrong with that?
                                                            
                       DAN
There's nothing wrong with a grown
man eating hummus for dinner,
except for everything.
                                                            
                       JOE
It's just that it looks like
something you'd find in a used
baby diaper. And it tastes...
                                                            
Joe double takes and notices Laura and MITCH feeding ice
cream to each other at another table. Mitch is scrawny, has
bleach blonde hair cut into a mohawk, and he wears clothes
that are way too tight for his own good, including a leather
jacket.
                                                            
                       DAN
Dude, don't watch that.
                                                            
Joe quickly cleans up his tray, clearly upset, and stands up
from the table.
                                                            
                       JOE
I can't fucking watch this shit.
I'll see you guys back at
Benaglia.
                                                            
Joe hurriedly leaves the cafe.
                                                            

26.

                       NATE
Goddammit, that's the last fucking
thing he needed to see.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Look at that kid. He's such a
boner, I can't believe she left
Joe for that.
                                                            
                       NATE
He needs to be killed.
                                                            
                       DAN
Or neutered at least.
                                                            
                       GERRY
This whole situation is so fucked.
Joe treated her like gold and she
left him for an anorexic Danny
Zuko.
                                                            
Laura looks down to go through her pocket book and when she
does, Mitch quickly picks his nose and eats it.
                                                            
Nate stands up, points at Mitch, and screams so that the
whole cafeteria can probably hear him.
                                                            
                       NATE
DUDE! MITCH THE BITCH JUST FUCKING
ATE HIS OWN BOOGERS!
                                                            
 
EXT. CAFETERIA - DAY
                                                            
Nate, Gerry, and Dan walk away from the cafeteria.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I still say that song is about an
orgasm.
                                                            
                       DAN
That makes literally no sense. I
don't know where you got that
from, Bohemian Rhapsody is not
about sex at all.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Agree to disagree man.
                                                            
                       NATE
Wait.
                                                            
Nate abruptly stops walking.
                                                            

27.

                       DAN
What?
                                                            
                       NATE
We don't have any booze for this
weekend.
                                                            
                       DAN
I thought you had a bunch left
over.
                                                            
                       NATE
Left over from what?
                                                            
                       DAN
Gerry told me you guys had a huge
party when I went home last
weekend.
                                                            
                       NATE
What are you talking about?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Oh yeah, no, I made that up. But,
anyways, we should...
                                                            
                       DAN
      (interrupts)
Yeah, he said that you ended up
getting sick and puking all night
and that he hooked up with Chelsea
while you were in the bathroom
getting sick.
                                                            
                       GERRY
We need to focus on this right
now.
                                                            
                       NATE
You little shit head. That didn't
happen at all. Gerry got drunk and
texted her literally saying, "hey
baby, you're hotter than the sun."
                                                            
                       GERRY
I think the subject at hand...
                                                            
                       NATE
      (interrupts)
Then when she didn't respond he
went down to her room and slammed
on the door at like 2 in the
morning.
                                                            

28.

                       GERRY
Can we just...
                                                            
                       NATE
      (interrupts)
The door opens and theres this
huge ass football player standing
there. Gerry goes "WHO THE FUCK
ARE YOU" and the dude immediately
punches him in the stomach and he
pukes all over Chelsea's room.
                                                            
Dan laughs hysterically.
                                                            
                       DAN
You're such a little bitch dude!
                                                            
                       GERRY
Great. That's awesome man. Thanks
a lot. Trout's out of the barrel.
                                                            
                       NATE
What?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Thanks for telling everyone man.
                                                            
                       DAN
You lied you dick! That's what you
get!
                                                            
                       GERRY
He still didn't have to tell
everyone!
                                                            
                       NATE
Who is this everyone that you keep
referring to? I don't know what
you mean. I only told one person.
                                                            
Gerry drops his arms to his side and storms off.
                                                            
 
INT. BENAGLIA HALL - COMMON ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Gerry, Dan, and Nate sit in the common room brainstorming.
                                                            
                       DAN
We could try to bum it off people
when we get there?
                                                            

29.

                       NATE
That only works if you have double
D's and a miniskirt. Which we do
not.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Can't we juts get some from one of
our friends here?
                                                            
                       DAN
If you can find someone be my
guest, but our friends hold onto
their booze like it's a new born
baby. Well not literally. Well,
actually I don't know, parents
today don't care as much as they
should. Like how many times have
you heard on the news about an
infant being locked in a car
during the summer?
                                                            
                       NATE
Why do you keep doing this?
                                                            
                       DAN
Doing what?
                                                            
Nate is frazzled.
                                                            
                       NATE
You keep going off on these
tangents about parenting and kids
and... fuck it, never mind. Um, we
could borrow it from somebody?
                                                            
                       GERRY
And how do you plan on giving it
back once we drink it?
                                                            
Brian bobs into the room.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
I assume none of you are twenty
one?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Can't do this right now.
                                                            
Gerry shakes his head, stands up, and walks into his room.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Well as I'm sure you know, the
possession of alcohol by a minor,
i.e. someone under 21, i.e. YOU,
            (MORE)

30.

                       BRIAN (cont'd)
is illegal in the United States.
It can be punishable by jail time
or a fine and in some cases death.
                                                            
                       DAN
Dude, what are you talking about?
                                                            
Brian snickers.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Providing alcohol to a minor is
also punishable by law. I better
never catch you guys drinking in
here because I will report you.
This is college. I pay good money
and my money doesn't go towards
watching you stumble up and down
the stairs trying to walk off a
drunken stupor at two in the
morning. You should be focusing on
your academics and your lungs...
because they WILL deteriorate.
                                                            
                       NATE
My liver.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
What are you talking about?
                                                            
                       NATE
My liver is going to deteriorate.
Not my lungs. Alcohol has no
effect on the lungs.
                                                            
Brian quickly answers back.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Yes it does.
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       NATE
No... it honestly doesn't.
                                                            
Brian answers quickly again.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Yes it does.
                                                            
                       NATE
Brian I promise you, they are not
connected at all.
                                                            

31.

Brian shoots right back for the third time.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Yes they are.
                                                            
Gerry re-enters the room and sits down.
                                                            
                       DAN
Alright, well, I think we should
talk about sex now.
                                                            
Brian stands up and put his fingers in his ears.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Not a conversation for Christian
ears!
                                                            
He walks into his room and slams the door.
                                                            
                       NATE
That literally works every time.
                                                            
                       DAN
So while you were jacking it in
the room we narrowed it down to
trying to buy it ourselves,
hey mister-ing someone, or buying
from an upperclassman.
                                                            
                       NATE
Did I ever tell you about the
first time I drank?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Oh, God.
                                                            
                       DAN
Here we go.
                                                            
                       NATE
So it was my junior year and a
bunch of us were drinking at my
friend Kim's house. Her mom was
home but she was upstairs and
asleep… whatever. So I didn't have
any booze of my own so my friend
made me a couple of drinks. It was
like sprite and vermouth, which is
like a cooking wine or something.
So I chugged three cups in like 10
minutes and then I puked
EVERYWHERE. Later in the night Kim
started singing that song Misery
Business by Paramore really loud
            (MORE)

32.

                       NATE (cont'd)
at like one in the morning and her
mom woke up and came down and saw
that Kim had vodka in this big
pink cup and she flipped on us.
                                                            
A few moments of silence pass.
                                                            
                       GERRY
And?
                                                            
                       NATE
And what? That's it.
                                                            
                       GERRY
That's it?
                                                            
                       DAN
Why do you tell stories like that?
                                                            
                       NATE
What do you mean?
                                                            
                       DAN
My friendship with you is honestly
worth ending to not hear your
fucking stories anymore.
                                                            
 
EXT. SHOVEL SHOP - DAY
                                                            
Nate, Joe, Gerry, and Dan sit in Nate's car outside a liquor
store called Shovel Shop.

An average looking middle aged MAN walks past their car
towards the store.
                                                            
                       NATE
Hey mister!
                                                            
The guy stops and pauses.
                                                            
                       MAN
Yeah?
                                                            
                       NATE
Are you heading into the liquor
store?
                                                            
                       MAN
Where else would I be going?
                                                            

33.

                       NATE
Could you do us a huge favor
and...
                                                            
                       MAN
      (interrupts)
No.
                                                            
He immediately walks away.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Good work.
                                                            
                       JOE
Here comes another guy.
                                                            
Another average looking middle aged GUY walks past their
car.
                                                            
                       DAN
Excuse me sir?
                                                            
                       GUY
Fuck off.
                                                            
                       DAN
Very good, thank you sir.
                                                            
A third guy walks past the car. The TRUCKER has a pony tail
down his back, hasn't shaved in days, wears a mesh trucker
hat, has a cutoff red plaid shirt, and pauses several times
to spit out his chewing tobacco as he walks. He has a deep
gruff voice and speaks like a stereotypical hillbilly.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Excuse me.
                                                            
                       TRUCKER
Yeah?
                                                            
                       GERRY
We don't mean to bother you but...
                                                            
                       TRUCKER
You want me to buy you booze?
                                                            
A beat where Gerry is caught off guard.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Do you mind?
                                                            

34.

                       TRUCKER
Nah, of course not. Standard fee
right?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Um, yeah I guess so... Thanks
again for doing this.
                                                            
                       TRUCKER
No worries. So which one of you
guys is gonna... do the deed?
                                                            
The guys all exchange confused looks.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Um, all of us I guess...
                                                            
The trucker's face lights up in excitement.
                                                            
                       TRUCKER
Goddamn! I hit the jackpot huh?
                                                            
The guys all look increasingly confused.
                                                            
                       JOE
What is he...
                                                            
                       TRUCKER
Alright, now remember boys, no
teeth or no booze.
                                                            
We hear the sound of his fly unzipping.

The guys all look on in horror without saying anything.
Gerry rolls up the window without looking away or speaking.
                                                            
 
EXT. SWEENEY’S - DAY
                                                            
The four guys sit in Nate's car in another liquor store
parking lot.
                                                            
                       NATE
Alright, rock paper scissors for
who has to go.
                                                            
                       DAN
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
                                                            
Dan, Nate, and Joe all throw out rock and Gerry throws out
paper.
                                                            
Gerry smiles in confidence.
                                                            

35.

                       NATE
Alright, all you Gerry.
                                                            
Gerry's face turns to anger.
                                                            
                       GERRY
What do you mean?
                                                            
                       NATE
Rock beats paper.
                                                            
                       GERRY
No it doesn't! Paper covers rock!
                                                            
                       NATE
No you moron, rock goes straight
through paper. Who do you think
would win in a battle, a thin
piece of paper or a heavy rock?
                                                            
                       JOE
It's true dude, rocks are way more
dense than paper. They're solid
and they have rigid edges. They
cut right through paper.
                                                            
Gerry exchanges angry glances with Joe, Nate, and Dan who
all look back defiantly.
                                                            
                       GERRY
You guys suck. Seriously the
worst.
                                                            
 
INT. SWEENEY’S - DAY
                                                            
Gerry walks into the store and doesn't get two feet passed
the entrance. He smiles nervously.
                                                            
                       GERRY
How are you today sir?
                                                            
The clerk points to the "No Persons Under 21" sign.
                                                            
                       CLERK
Get the fuck out of here peewee.
                                                            
Gerry continues to smile and laugh nervously.
                                                            
                       GERRY
      (immediately)
Alright, you have a nice day now.
                                                            
 

36.

INT. BENAGLIA HALL - COMMON ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Nate, Dan, Gerry, and Joe sit in the common room.
                                                            
                       DAN
We have to call somebody. We tried
everything else.
                                                            
                       NATE
The only person I can think to
call is Billy and I really don't
want to do that. He's an absolute
boner and he always over charges.
                                                            
                       GERRY
What other options do we have?
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       JOE
We could always try blowing that
dude?
                                                            
                       NATE
I'll call Billy.
                                                            
Nate takes out his cell phone and dials a number. He puts
the phone up to his head.
                                                            
                       NATE
Hey Billy? It's Nate... Yeah
that's what I was gunna ask. You
sure you don't mind? Can I get
like a handle of rum and a 30 rack
of whatever's cheapest? Yeah a
handle not a bottle. Yeah that's
fine. Shit dude thank you so
much... Yeah that sounds good.
Alright see you then dude.
                                                            
Nate hangs up and puts the phone back in his pocket.
                                                            
                       GERRY
That was easy.
                                                            
                       DAN
That's it?
                                                            
                       NATE
Yeah he said to meet him tomorrow
at 8 in the Shady Grove and bring
a duffle bag.
                                                            

37.

                       JOE
Are we buying alcohol or bricks of
cocaine?
                                                            
                       GERRY
You know what you forgot though?
                                                            
                       NATE
What?
                                                            
Gerry loudly farts and then bursts out laughing.
                                                            
                       DAN
Oh my God, it smells like an
elderly queef!
                                                            
 
INT. JOE AND DAN’S ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Dan and Joe each lay under the covers in their respective
beds with the lights out.

Dan speaks enthusiastically and Joe speaks half-heartedly.
                                                            
                       DAN
I'm so pumped for this weekend,
man.
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah, I guess so.
                                                            
                       DAN
I bet you can't wait to see all
the girls up there, right? Yeah
baby you're back on the market!
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah.
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       DAN
You know you may be the single
most depressing person I've ever
met right now?
                                                            
                       JOE
My bad.
                                                            
Dan sits up in bed and throws his pillow at Joe.
                                                            

38.

                       DAN
Dude stop being such a little
bitch and snap the fuck out of it.
She was a goddamn whore and you
know it. You're depressing me.
                                                            
Joe sits up and angrily throws the pillow back at Dan.
                                                            
                       JOE
Fuck you, you fuck asshole! Don't
talk about her like that you piece
of shit.
                                                            
                       DAN
Smarten up man. Think of all the
shit she did before you.
                                                            
                       JOE
Bullshit, like what?
                                                            
                       DAN
Oh I don't know. To start, maybe
when she had a threesome with a
gay guy and a lesbian about 3
weeks before she dated you.
                                                            
                       JOE
She was drunk and it was freshman
year and she didn't know how to
act yet.
                                                            
                       DAN
That's so fucked on many reasons.
One, the fact that she was a
freshman in college and had a
threesome. Two, she somehow had
sex with a gay guy. I don't know
how the fuck that even works. She
kinda looks like a guy so maybe
that's it but at the same time,
what the fuck!? Three, if Laura
isn't a lesbian and she isn't bi
then why the hell would she want
to hook up with another girl!?
                                                            
                       JOE
That was a one time thing and she
promised me it wasn't a big deal.
                                                            
                       DAN
Alright man, how about this? How
many guys did she hook up with the
summer before college?
                                                            

39.

                       JOE
I don't know.
                                                            
                       DAN
Oh really because I remember it
very clearly. You know why I
remember it clearly? Because I
have it on video.
                                                            
                       JOE
Dude, shut up.
                                                            
                       DAN
Remember Joe? She was drunk and
used my Flip Camera to make a
video diary of her saying she
hooked up with 26 guys. Then she
started going into grotesque
detail about what she did with
each of them. Just... blumpkins
and frumps and... ugh!
                                                            
                       JOE
Dude shut the fuck up! She WAS a
whore ok? I know that. It just...
it didn't matter because when I
was with her she made me forget
about all that. She was a totally
different person around me. I
didn't fall in love with that
Laura. I fell in love with the
Laura that made me laugh and made
me smile and made me forget that
there was anything else to life.
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       DAN
Alright to be honest, if you had
said that about anyone else that
would have been ridiculously cute,
but because you said it about that
Nazi fucking troll, it isn't.
                                                            
Joe slams his head back down onto the pillow.
                                                            
                       JOE
You're such an asshole.
                                                            
Dan slams his head back down too and speaks under his
breath.
                                                            

40.

                       DAN
Least I didn't have a threesome
with a gay guy and a lesbian.
                                                            
 
INT. JOE AND DAN’S ROOM - MORNING
                                                            
Joe lays in bed asleep with the blinds closed. Dan snaps
them open allowing bright sunlight to shine it. Joe wakes
up, groggy.
                                                            
                       JOE
Come on!
                                                            
Dan gets dressed as he talks.
                                                            
                       DAN
"Come on" yourself!
                                                            
Dan stops and laughs for a moment.
                                                            
                       DAN
That's funny. But seriously, get
up, we have class in ten minutes,
you're gonna be late.
                                                            
                       JOE
I'm not going.
                                                            
                       DAN
What, why not?
                                                            
                       JOE
Because I'm in a bottomless pit of
depression, leave me alone.
                                                            
                       DAN
Dude, come on, get up.
                                                            
                       JOE
Go away, I'm not getting up.
                                                            
Dan moves to the doorway and yells into the common room.
                                                            
                       DAN
Hey guys, Joe's not going to class
because he's in a pit of
depression or something gay like
that.
                                                            

41.

An alarm clock whizzes by Dan's head.

Dan turns, laughs, and points at Joe mockingly with his
index finger.
                                                            
                       DAN
Oooooh, you little bastard!
                                                            
 
INT. BENAGLIA HALL - COMMON ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Dan, Gerry, Joe, and Nate stand in the common room with a
duffle bag.
                                                            
                       GERRY
He better not overcharge us like
last time.
                                                            
                       DAN
It doesn't really matter at this
point, it's our only option.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Last time was bullshit though. He
charged me eighteen dollars for a
six pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade.
                                                            
                       JOE
To be honest man, that's what you
get for drinking Mike's Hard
Lemonade.
                                                            
                       DAN
And you still paid it too.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I'm just saying its bullshit.
                                                            
                       DAN
Like I know WE drink now, but how
are you guys planning on handling
the drinking thing with your kids?
                                                            
                       JOE
What are you talking about?
                                                            
                       DAN
Like are you going to let your
kids drink in high school and
college and stuff? Like I don't
want my kids doing some of the
shit that I do! I would disown my
kids if they acted like I do... Oh
Jesus, I'm going to lose sleep
            (MORE)

42.

                       DAN (cont'd)
over this shit.
                                                            
                       JOE
You know you blow my mind? With
the things you say?
                                                            
                       DAN
What?
                                                            
                       JOE
You're just... I don't know... you
confuse me.
                                                            
 
EXT. SHADY GROVE - EVENING
                                                            
The Shady Grove is nothing more than a couple of picnic
benches next to a small parking lot. It is dim lit and
fairly out of sight.

Gerry, Nate, and Joe sit on a bench fidgeting nervously. Dan
watches the video for "Thriller" by Michael Jackson on his
iPod.
                                                            
                       GERRY
All right where the hell is he?
                                                            
                       NATE
I don't know, he should be here by
now.
                                                            
                       JOE
Don't freak out yet, we still have
time. He probably just got held
up.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I hope he didn't get busted.
                                                            
                       JOE
For what? Legally buying alcohol?
                                                            
                       DAN
This is dumb, there's no way he'd
be able to dance this well with
rigor mortis. He'd be all stiff.
                                                            
                       NATE
What are you talking about?
                                                            

43.

                       DAN
This video is just stupid. Like
why doesn't she just run away
while he's dancing?
                                                            
                       GERRY
That's it, we're fucked. We have
no booze for this weekend.
                                                            
                       NATE
We're not fucked alright? He'll be
here.
                                                            
                       JOE
What time is it anyways?
                                                            
                       NATE
Quarter to...
                                                            
He removes his phone and looks at the time.
                                                            
                       NATE
... eight thirty.
                                                            
                       JOE
What?
                                                            
                       NATE
Eight fifteen, it's eight fifteen.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Wait, is that him?
                                                            
A piece of crap, rusty, dented car pulls up blasting
terrible rap music.
                                                            
                       DAN
Can you say white chocolate?
                                                            
The car turns off and BILLY steps out. He tries to dress
like a bro but he looks like a complete tool. He has cargo
pants on, a tucked in bright blue polo shirt, and black
shiny sunglasses, even though it's nighttime. He speaks with
a level of confidence that would annoy the Pope.
                                                            
                       BILLY
What's going on guys? Sorry I'm
late, I had to go to a couple
stores. I wanted to make sure you
guys got the best deals, right?
                                                            
Billy tries to give the guys some kind of weird high
five/daps move to Nate but it only confuses him.
                                                            

44.

                       BILLY
Cool, alright, so you got the
money brah?
                                                            
                       NATE
Yeah we have it. How much was it?
                                                            
                       BILLY
Um, the beer was 25 and the rum
was 25 too.
                                                            
                       NATE
Here you go man.
                                                            
Nate hands Billy the money.
                                                            
                       BILLY
Pleasure boys. It's sitting right
there on the front seat.
                                                            
Gerry and Dan go to retrieve the booze from the car.
                                                            
                       NATE
You really saved us man. I don't
know...
                                                            
Gerry and Dan return from the car. Gerry holds up the bottle
of rum that has a price tag on it for $16.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Twenty five bucks? Dude the label
says sixteen.
                                                            
                       BILLY
Nah my brother, it was twenty
five.
                                                            
                       DAN
Dude the label is right on it.
                                                            
                       JOE
You douche, you tried to dick ten
bucks out of us!
                                                            
                       BILLY
Whatever man, you either pay or
you don't get the booze.
                                                            
                       DAN
How about we pay sixteen or I take
the bottle of rum and shove it up
your ass and then punch you in the
stomach repeatedly so the bottle
breaks and you get broken glass
            (MORE)

45.

                       DAN (cont'd)
and rum inside your fucking colon?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Yeah, and that would sting!
                                                            
                       BILLY
You better watch your ass kid. I
know a lot more people than you
do.
                                                            
                       DAN
Oh bullshit, everyone you know
hates you. Underclassmen buy from
you because you don't have any
friends in your own grade and you
think this makes you cool. You're
a whiney little bitch.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Yeah, and you have a two inch
dick!
                                                            
                       BILLY
Whatever you assholes, don't ever
ask me to buy for you again.
                                                            
                       JOE
Suck a fart you jackass.
                                                            
                       DAN
And take off those sunglasses,
it's the fucking nighttime.
                                                            
Billy flips them off as he gets into his car, resumes
blasting crappy rap music, and attempts to start his car but
it stalls.
                                                            
                       NATE
Your car works even worse than
your dick.
                                                            
After several tries the engine turns over.
                                                            
                       BILLY
Suck my dick!
                                                            
He skins out of the parking lot.
                                                            
                       JOE
Goddamn that kid is such a boner.
                                                            
 

46.

INT. BENAGLIA HALL - COMMON ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Gerry, Dan, and Nate sit in the common room.
                                                            
                       GERRY
You really think that would work?
With shoving the bottle up his
ass?
                                                            
                       DAN
I could do it.
                                                            
Joe exits his bedroom with his phone up to his ear.
                                                            
                       JOE
Alright... I love you too.
                                                            
                       NATE
Is that Laura?
                                                            
                       JOE
What? Oh... no, it isn't.
                                                            
                       DAN
Give us the phone now.
                                                            
                       JOE
No, get out of here.
                                                            
Gerry snatches the phone away from Joe and talks into it.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Listen to me you snot nosed little
fascist, you stay the fuck away
from our friend. You're no good
for him and you do nothing but
make him upset.
                                                            
Dan takes the phone.
                                                            
                       JOE
Guys stop!
                                                            
                       DAN
You're easier to get into than
public school.
                                                            
Nate takes the phone and talks into it.
                                                            
                       NATE
Burn in hell you shit eating
little... Oh! Mrs. Anderson! Yeah
how are you!? Oh no don't mind
them. Yeah that was just our
            (MORE)

47.

                       NATE (cont'd)
suitemates. Yeah we have a few
people with... Tourette's
Syndrome. Yeah, they all had
outbursts at once. Yeah it's very
uncommon, I know... Well here's
Joe for ya. I'll go have a talk
with those affected kids right
now. Alright, see you soon.
                                                            
Joe whispers to his friends before talking to his mom again.
                                                            
                       JOE
You guys are retards. Yeah hi mom.
No those were just some mentally
unstable kids we live with. Yeah
they should be put somewhere else,
I know. Alright, I love you too.
Talk to you soon. Bye.
                                                            
Joe hangs up the phone and they all burst out laughing.
                                                            
                       NATE
Dude we thought it was Laura!
                                                            
                       JOE
You guys seriously have some kind
of chemical imbalance or
something.
                                                            
                       DAN
We're sorry man, but you hafta
admit, that was hilarious.
                                                            
                       JOE
Whatever, you guys are the ones
that have to live with yourselves
every day.
                                                            
                       NATE
Alright I have to do some work
before bed. I'll see you guys
tomorrow.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Wait hold on.
                                                            
                       NATE
What?
                                                            
                       GERRY
High five?
                                                            

48.

Gerry puts both of his hands in the air and motions for Nate
to give him a high five. Nate looks confused and caught off
guard for a moment or two but then slowly puts his hands in
the air. Once Nate has them both in the air Gerry punches
him in the balls. Nate screams in pain and falls to the
ground as the other three guys burst out laughing.
                                                            
 
INT. BENAGLIA HALL - COMMON ROOM - DAY
                                                            
The next morning the guys all meet up in the common room.
Dan, Gerry, and Joe sit waiting with a small backpack each.
Nate enters the room with a gigantic duffle bag stuffed to
the brim and a large feather pillow.
                                                            
                       DAN
You're kidding me right?
                                                            
                       NATE
What!?
                                                            
 
EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY
                                                            
The four guys walk along the road towards where Nate's car
is parked.
                                                            
                       DAN
You ready to get with an
unfathomable amount of girls
tonight?
                                                            
                       JOE
I don't know, I don't really feel
like dealing with girls right now.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Moving on to guys?
                                                            
                       DAN
Nah, screw that. Joe's gonna tear
someone apart tonight.
                                                            
Nate's cell phone beeps and he takes it out, stops for a
moment, shakes his head, and continues on.
                                                            
                       DAN
Who was that?
                                                            
                       NATE
It's nothing. My mom just keeps
poking me on Facebook. It's
getting weird.
                                                            

49.

                       DAN
Speaking of poking, Joe's gonna be
poking mad girls tonight!
                                                            
                       GERRY
With his dick!
                                                            
                       JOE
Gerry, you know, I caught on to
that before you said anything. I
didn't need an interpreter.
                                                            
                       DAN
You're used to constant sex dude.
You're not gonna be able to go
much longer. You're gonna end up
jacking it on the car ride up.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Joe's gonna end up just like
Juice.
                                                            
                       JOE
Who's Juice?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Oh my God, don't tell me I never
told you about Juice?
                                                            
                       DAN
I know that story.
                                                            
                       NATE
Yeah me too. You want me to tell
it?
                                                            
                       JOE
I want anyone BUT you to tell it.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I'll tell it don't worry. My
friend Juice from high school. His
name was Alex but we called him
Juice because he drank gin like it
was water. He goes on a trip to
Ireland with his family. This is a
kid who never went a day without
getting action. So he starts
reading these dirty texts a girl
sent him on the plane flight over.
He keeps reading these texts over
and over and eventually like an
hour into the flight he decides he
can't take it anymore. He goes
            (MORE)

50.

                       GERRY (cont'd)
into the airplane bathroom and
jacks it and 1500 feet.
                                                            
                       JOE
That's awesome, he might be the
first singular member of the mile
high club.
                                                            
                       NATE
I have a better story than that.
                                                            
                       DAN
I guarantee you don't.
                                                            
                       NATE
So my friend Murph decides that he
wants road head. His girlfriend
says no because it's too dangerous
and she doesn't want him to crash.
So he decides that he's gunna jack
it while he's driving because
that's the closest thing he can
think of to road dome. He drives
to some convenience store,
probably Cumberland Farms or
something, he buys a magazine. I
forget which one. I don't know, I
think it was Playboy but it might
have been like Penthouse or
Hustler or something and...
                                                            
                       DAN
      (interrupts)
Stop!
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       NATE
What?
                                                            
                       DAN
Why do you always do that shit?
                                                            
                       NATE
Do what?
                                                            
                       DAN
Like, that story had potential
because it was really weird
and your friend is an idiot but
you go into so much retarded
detail that it killed any possible
humor the story had to offer. What
            (MORE)

51.

                       DAN (cont'd)
the hell was the point of telling
us what magazine he used or what
store he went to? That didn't add
a goddamn thing to the story!
                                                            
Nate shrugs and looks defeated.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Just condense the rest of the
story and finish it.
                                                            
                       NATE
I don't know. That's it. He tried
jacking it and I guess it didn't
feel that great... He was
concentrating on the road and he
lost his boner.
                                                            
                       JOE
Miserable story man.
                                                            
                       DAN
Yeah, just God awful.
                                                            
                       NATE
Well enjoy it assholes because we
have three hours in a car
together.
                                                            
 
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
                                                            
The four guys drive along the highway for several moments as
upbeat music plays.
                                                            
 
INT. NATE’S CAR - DAY
                                                            
Nate drives, Joe has shotgun, and Gerry and Dan are in the
back.

Joe is asleep in the front seat.
                                                            
                       DAN
Can you pull over soon? I have to
piss.
                                                            
                       NATE
We've been on the road for twenty
five minutes. Can't you hold it?
                                                            

52.

                       DAN
I'm gonna piss in a bottle if you
don't stop.
                                                            
                       NATE
No you're not.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Here, let me see what I can find
for you.
                                                            
Gerry turns around and riffles through the back trunk.
                                                            
                       NATE
What are you doing?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Oh, here we go.
                                                            
Gerry turns back around with an empty box of Wheat Thins.
                                                            
                       DAN
Yeah I can probably use that.
                                                            
                       NATE
You're not gonna piss in a
cardboard box.
                                                            
                       GERRY
His wiener's out man.
                                                            
Nate immediately cuts the wheel hard to the right.
                                                            
 
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
                                                            
Nate's car quickly turns off the highway into a rest stop.
                                                            
 
INT. NATE’S CAR - DAY
                                                            
Nate looks over as he drives and sees Joe is asleep.
                                                            
                       NATE
Before we go in I have an idea.
                                                            
                       GERRY
What?
                                                            
                       NATE
I'm gonna pull up right in front
of that parked semi truck. When I
give the signal I'm gonna honk the
horn and we're all gonna scream as
            (MORE)

53.

                       NATE (cont'd)
loud as we can.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I don't get it.
                                                            
                       DAN
Shit, I think I do. He's gonna
wake up to screaming and a blaring
horn looking face first at a semi
truck. He doesn't know we stopped
driving.
                                                            
                       GERRY
This is terrible and I love it.
                                                            
Nate pulls up feet away from a parked semi truck.
                                                            
                       NATE
Ready?
                                                            
Gerry and Dan look extremely excited.
                                                            
                       NATE
One, two, three.
                                                            
Nate leans on the horn and they all scream like bloody
murder.

Joe immediately wakes up and flips out screaming.
                                                            
 
EXT. REST STOP - DAY
                                                            
Nate, Dan, and Joe exit the car but Gerry stays inside.
                                                            
                       DAN
You're not coming Gerry?
                                                            
                       GERRY
No, I'm all set.
                                                            
                       JOE
You sure? We have a long ride man.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Just go, I'm fine.
                                                            
They start walking towards the rest stop.
                                                            
                       NATE
Sore subject with him.
                                                            

54.

                       JOE
What's a sore subject?
                                                            
                       NATE
A while back he saw that movie
Witness with Harrison Ford and he
hasn't been able to use a public
bathroom since.
                                                            
                       DAN
I don't get it.
                                                            
                       NATE
The movie's about this little
Amish kid and he's taking a shit
in a train station bathroom and
then a guy gets murdered while
he's in there.
                                                            
 
INT. REST STOP BATHROOM - DAY
                                                            
A quick fantasy sequence shows Gerry dressed as an Amish boy
as the bathroom stall gets kicked in. Gerry screams loudly.
                                                            
 
EXT. REST STOP - DAY
                                                            
Back to reality.
                                                            
                       DAN
Sounds like an awful movie.
                                                            
                       NATE
Yeah it is... but there's boobs in
it.
                                                            
 
INT. REST STOP BATHROOM - DAY
                                                            
Nate, Dan, and Joe all enter the bathroom where there is a
long row of urinals.

Dan goes all the way to one end, Joe goes all the way to the
other end, and Nate goes right next to Dan.
                                                            
                       DAN
Whoa dude, what are you doing?
                                                            
                       NATE
What do you mean? I'm taking a
piss.
                                                            

55.

                       DAN
Yeah, but why right there?
                                                            
                       NATE
I don't know, the urinals looked
better than the sink I guess.
                                                            
                       DAN
How did you land on THAT urinal?
                                                            
                       NATE
I don't know, they all look the
same.
                                                            
                       DAN
You don't believe in a little
buffer room or anything?
                                                            
Nate laughs.
                                                            
                       NATE
Dude, I'm not gonna take a peek or
anything!
                                                            
                       DAN
You don't think this is a little
weird? I mean there's all those
urinals over there and somehow you
landed on the one that's right
next to me. It makes me
uncomfortable.
                                                            
                       NATE
You got a small dick or something?
                                                            
Dan scoffs.
                                                            
                       DAN
What?
                                                            
                       NATE
If you're betting with a short
stack it's no big deal.
                                                            
                       DAN
Dude, it ha nothing to do with
that.
                                                            
                       NATE
Oh, okay... So you're comfortable
with having a small dick?
                                                            

56.

                       DAN
Would you just let me piss? We've
been here for like two minutes and
I can't get a stream going because
you won't shut up.
                                                            
                       NATE
Fine, fine.
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       NATE
You know the technical term is
called a micropenis.
                                                            
                       DAN
Oh my God.
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       NATE
I Googled it once.
                                                            
Dan looks at Nate judgmentally but he doesn't seem to
notice.
                                                            
 
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
                                                            
Nate's car drives along the highway.
                                                            
 
INT. NATE’S CAR - DAY
                                                            
                       GERRY
Alright I was thinking, and I want
to make freshman year bad
decisions tonight.
                                                            
                       JOE
How bad?
                                                            
                       GERRY
I mean Spring Weekend bad
decisions.
                                                            
                       NATE
You mean Michelle?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Sure do.
                                                            

57.

                       DAN
You're really gonna bring that up?
                                                            
                       JOE
Was she the one with the beard?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Sure was.
                                                            
                       DAN
Fuzz, not beard.
                                                            
                       JOE
Alright Gerry what about your less
than average hookups?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Oh like who?
                                                            
                       NATE
Erica?
                                                            
                       GERRY
She was a good kisser man.
                                                            
                       DAN
She had a voice deeper than the
Grand Canyon.
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah we always called her Brad
Garret behind your back. You know,
the brother from Everybody Loves
Raymond?
                                                            
                       GERRY
What about Melissa? She was hot!
                                                            
                       NATE
"Melissa" Melissa?
                                                            
                       GERRY
No I mean "show me your mouth"
Melissa.
                                                            
                       DAN
Was she the Asian one?
                                                            
                       GERRY
No, that was "Melissa the Asian."
I'm talking about "stale birthday
cake Melissa."
                                                            

58.

                       JOE
Oh! "Manchurian Candidate"
Melissa!
                                                            
                       GERRY
Yes!
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       NATE
Yeah, she was gross man.
                                                            
                       GERRY
No she wasn't.
                                                            
                       DAN
She was kind of beat.
                                                            
                       GERRY
No... Really?
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah... like a... wooly mammoth.
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Yeah, maybe you're right... fuck,
I need to do better. Whatever, how
far away are we? My ass is falling
asleep.
                                                            
                       NATE
GPS says like twenty minutes.
We're getting off the highway now.
                                                            
 
EXT. DONUT SHOP - DAY
                                                            
Nate's car pulls into a donut shop and all four guys exit
the car and start walking towards the store.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Hey, what do you guys think the
Cabbage Patch Kids would look like
when they grow up?
                                                            
                       JOE
What are you talking about?
                                                            
                       GERRY
I've just always been curious
about that.
                                                            

59.

They open the door to the donut shop and walk inside.
                                                            
 
INT. DONUT SHOP - DAY
                                                            
They all walk up to the counter and Nate orders.
                                                            
                       NATE
Can I get half a dozen donuts
please? Any kind is fine.
                                                            
                       DAN
They probably look like regular
people... except they smell
heavily of cabbage.
                                                            
                       GERRY
It's just the thought of cabbage
going through puberty weirds me
out.
                                                            
                       JOE
Gerry, want a hurtz donut?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Oh, awesome, haven't heard that
one since third grade.
                                                            
                       NATE
You want a chocolate donut
instead?
                                                            
                       GERRY
You got chocolate? Yeah, I'll take
one.
                                                            
Nate forcefully punches Gerry in the arm.
                                                            
                       NATE
Chocolate! Don't it!
                                                            
The lady behind the counter hands Nate the donuts. He hands
her several bills.
                                                            
                       NATE
Keep the change.
                                                            
                       GERRY
You're such a boner dude.
                                                            
 

60.

INT. NATE’S CAR - DAY
                                                            
They get back into Nate's car, he starts the engine and they
pull away.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I have another question.
                                                            
                       JOE
Can't you just stop asking
questions for now?
                                                            
                       DAN
No, let him get it out of his
system before we meet anyone worth
impressing.
                                                            
                       GERRY
How do mermaids repopulate?
                                                            
                       JOE
How do you even think of shit like
that?
                                                            
                       GERRY
I'm completely serious.
                                                            
                       NATE
I always just assumed that because
they don't exist that it doesn't
really matter.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Just think about it ok? In order
to conceive a child, a guy and a
girl have to have mate right?
                                                            
                       DAN
We're really going to have this
debate?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Have you ever seen a fucking male
mermaid!?
                                                            
                       NATE
It's called a merman.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Whatever it doesn't matter because
you've never seen a male one!
                                                            

61.

                       JOE
I've never seen a female one
either bro.
                                                            
                       GERRY
That's another thing! Have you
ever seen a mermaid vagina?
                                                            
                       DAN
Oh my God.
                                                            
                       GERRY
On the off chance that there is a
merman, how do they even mate?
What's he gonna stick it?
                                                            
                       DAN
What if mermaids are asexual? What
if they don't need to mate. Some
reptiles don't need a partner to
reproduce, did you ever think
about that?
                                                            
                       GERRY
      (sarcastically)
Yeah that makes sense.
                                                            
                       NATE
Really quick, take a look at this
hardo on the sidewalk.
                                                            
Walking next to the street is a very large, muscular, BALD
GUY wearing a tight, about to rip, wife beater shirt. Like a
guido on steroids.
                                                            
                       DAN
Wait, give me a donut.
                                                            
                       NATE
Yup.
                                                            
Nate hands Dan a donut.
                                                            
                       DAN
Jelly. Perfect.
                                                            
                       JOE
What are you doing?
                                                            
Dan sticks his head out the window and throws the donut at
the bald guy, hitting him directly in the chest, splattering
the jelly everywhere.


62.

The bald guy flips off the car, rips off his white shirt,
the veins in his head about to pop, and lets out a huge
scream like a banshee.
                                                            
Dan sticks his head back inside the car and a couple moment
pass in silence.
                                                            
                       DAN
So we should let Chad know we're
close probably.
                                                            
                       NATE
Oh yeah, I'll text him real quick.
Grab the wheel?
                                                            
                       DAN
Really?
                                                            
                       NATE
No, you're probably right, I'll
just steer with my boner.
                                                            
 
EXT. AMHERST - DAY
                                                            
The car drives through a college town. There are students
clad with UMASS brand clothing walking all around. There are
people sitting on park benches, throwing Frisbees, playing
wiffle ball, ect. The guys looks around, pleased as they
drive.

Soon, they drive by one building with Greek lettering on it.
The front yard is filled with empty beer cans, a ruit table,
empty kegs, and a chair that has been set on fire.
                                                            
 
INT. NATE’S CAR - DAY
                                                            
The guys all look at this yard and then look back at each
other reassuringly, smiling wide.
                                                            
                       GERRY
You guys... we're home.
                                                            
 
EXT. CHAD’S PARKING LOT - DAY
                                                            
Nate's car pulls into a parking lot next to a very tall
tower style dorm.
                                                            
 

63.

INT. NATE’S CAR - DAY
                                                            
Nate takes out his cell phone, hits a button, and puts it to
his head.
                                                            
                       NATE
You Chad, it's Nate... Yeah we're
right outside... Sounds good man.
                                                            
Nate hangs up the phone.
                                                            
                       GERRY
He gonna let us in?
                                                            
                       NATE
No, he changed his mind, we have
to go home. Yes he's letting us
in. He said to meet him at the
door.
                                                            
                       DAN
Leggo then.
                                                            
 
EXT. CHAD’S PARKING LOT - DAY
                                                            
The guys get out of the car and get their bags out of the
trunk.

Chad walks over from his dorm.
                                                            
                       CHAD
What's going on guys?
                                                            
He gives Nate a man hug.
                                                            
                       NATE
What's up man. You remember Joe
and Dan but I don't think you've
met Gerry before.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Nice to meet you man.
                                                            
                       CHAD
You too bud.
                                                            
The rest of the guys go through the handshake and greeting
routine.
                                                            
                       NATE
How'd the rugby game go last
night?
                                                            

64.

                       CHAD
Eh, not great.
                                                            
                       NATE
Shit, why not?
                                                            
                       CHAD
I only played the first five
minutes of the game.
                                                            
                       NATE
How come?
                                                            
                       CHAD
I was kicked in the testicles to
the point where I vomited... Right
so let's head inside.
                                                            
 
INT. CHAD’S DORM - DAY
                                                            
The guys all enter the building's reception area and walk
towards an elevator. Chad presses the "up" button and the
elevator opens. They all enter and Chad presses a button.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Whoa, what floor are you on?
                                                            
                       CHAD
Thirteen.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Alright, well I'll meet you up
there.
                                                            
Gerry gets off the elevator and Chad holds the door as it
begins to close.
                                                            
                       DAN
Where you going?
                                                            
                       GERRY
I'm walking.
                                                            
                       JOE
It's thirteen stories man.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Have you ever been to Disney?
Heard of the Tower of Terror?
Yeah, well that's not fucking
happening to me.
                                                            

65.

                       DAN
You're walking up thirteen flights
of stairs because of a ride at
Disney?
                                                            
                       GERRY
I know how this shit works and
it's NOT happening to me.
                                                            
                       NATE
You're a jackass.
                                                            
The elevator door begins closing again.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Have fun in the Twilight Zone
fuckers!
                                                            
The door closes.
                                                            
 
INT. ELEVATOR - DAY
                                                            
                       CHAD
He realizes that if he takes the
stairs or the elevator... it's
thirteen floors either way.
                                                            
                       NATE
Logic doesn't really matter with
him.
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Is he always like that?
                                                            
They all answer quickly and in unison.
                                                            
                       NATE
Yes.
                                                            
                       DAN
Yes.
                                                            
                       JOE
Yes.
                                                            
                       CHAD
I figured... So did you guys have
any idea of what you want to do
tonight?
                                                            

66.

                       NATE
We were kind of hoping you had
something in mind.
                                                            
                       CHAD
I was thinking we'd hit the frats.
It's like five bucks to get it and
they have kegs and all sorts of
shit.
                                                            
                       NATE
We HAVE booze, we NEED girls.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Have you ever been to a frat? It's
like a breeding ground for hot
girls.
                                                            
                       DAN
I thought frats were just a bunch
of ugly dudes who do nothing but
drink beer and watch football with
other dudes.
                                                            
                       CHAD
That too.
                                                            
                       NATE
There's usually girls there
though?
                                                            
Chad tries rhyming.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Yeah man, all the GIRLS in all the
WORLD.
                                                            
Dan put his hand on Joe's shoulder.
                                                            
                       DAN
Good because we need to get our
good friend Joe a much needed bj.
                                                            
Joe moves Dan's hand off his shoulder.
                                                            
                       JOE
Shut up.
                                                            
Chad tries to awkwardly rhyme again.
                                                            

67.

                       CHAD
Don't worry about it dude, welcome
to U-MASS, home of... home of the
ass... Yeah...
                                                            
Chad proudly and smugly smiles as the other guys exchange
confused looks.
                                                            
 
INT. CHAD’S HALLWAY - DAY
                                                            
The elevator bell dings and the door opens where Joe, Chad,
Dan, and Nate are greeted by Gerry who is already there.
They all look incredibly confused.
                                                            
                       DAN
How did you get up here already?
                                                            
Gerry speaks matter-of-factly as if confused by the nature
of the question.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I walked...
                                                            
                       JOE
Thirteen stories?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Yeah, that's what I said. Come on,
I want to put my stuff down.
                                                            
Gerry turns and walks down the hall. The other guys exchange
a few confused glances and follow.
                                                            
 
INT. CHAD’S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
The guys walk into the room and drop their stuff on the
ground.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Hey Frank?
                                                            
Frank is sitting at his laptop. He has stereo headphones on
and is loudly listening to Miley Cyrus. The muffled sound of
her music is easily audible from inside the headphones.
                                                            
                       CHAD
      (quietly)
Jesus Christ, I hate you so much.
      (loudly)
FRANK!
                                                            

68.

Frank jumps at his seat and turns around. He is wearing a
Ghostbusters t-shirt.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Frank, this is Nate, Joe, Dan, and
Gerry.
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       FRANK
Hi.
                                                            
                       NATE
What's up man?
                                                            
Nate extends his hand to Frank who looks at it for several
moments before silently shaking his head.
                                                            
                       NATE
Okay then.
                                                            
                       CHAD
He has a thing about germs.
                                                            
                       FRANK
Did you know that a human hand has
more germs on it than a toilet
seat?
                                                            
                       NATE
Good to know dude.
                                                            
Frank turns to Dan.
                                                            
                       FRANK
You should use hand sanitizer to
avoid the flu. Flu season is
coming fast.
                                                            
                       DAN
Will do pal.
                                                            
                       FRANK
My mom signed me up to get a flu
shot but the vaccine hasn't come
in yet.
                                                            
Frank stares at Dan without blinking.
                                                            
                       DAN
Alright...
                                                            

69.

                       JOE
Yeah, I had the flu last year. It
sucked.
                                                            
Frank shoots up and gets extremely close to Chad, completely
in his face. He whispers but still seems to spit venom at
the same time.
                                                            
                       FRANK
You didn't tell me he had the flu
last year! This is unacceptable,
unacceptable!
                                                            
                       CHAD
      (calmly)
Frank, take it easy or I will drop
you.
                                                            
Frank angrily breathes out and heads for the door.
                                                            
                       FRANK
If I get sick before my vaccine
comes in, YOU'RE COVERING MY
COPAYMENT!
                                                            
Frank leaves the room and slams the door behind him.
                                                            
                       NATE
What the hell was that?
                                                            
                       CHAD
That was Frank making a first
impression. You think that was
bad? I live with this shit every
day. Last week I brought a burger
back from the cafe and put it in
the fridge and Frank flipped out
on me because he thought he was
gunna get E-coli poisoning.
                                                            
 
EXT. CHAD’S DORM - NIGHT
                                                            
The sun is setting and it's getting dark outside.
                                                            
 
INT. CHAD’S ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Throughout the scene, the five guys talk while packing their
backpacks with beer, splitting the bottle of rum into 5
water bottles, and mixing the rum with soda.
                                                            

70.

                       CHAD
You guys really stocked up huh?
                                                            
                       DAN
We came prepared dude.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Came to drink and brought the
sink, I like your style.
                                                            
                       DAN
      (mouths to Nate)
What?
                                                            
Nate shrugs.
                                                            
                       CHAD
You probably don't even need to
bring it all. They have tons of
booze at the frats.
                                                            
                       GERRY
That's probably a good idea.
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah Nate, you should watch
yourself tonight. Think of all the
weird places you've woken up after
you had too much.
                                                            
                       NATE
Like where?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Roof of campus police.
                                                            
                       JOE
Middle of the quad... with no
pants on.
                                                            
                       DAN
The back seat of a snow plow... in
September.
                                                            
                       NATE
Whatever, I'll be fine.
                                                            
                       CHAD
I hope something weird happens to
you tonight.
                                                            

71.

                       NATE
You guys need to relax. You act
like I'm gonna get drunk and
someone's going to steal my
kidney's or something.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Famous last words.
                                                            
Nate stops what he's doing, confused.
                                                            
                       NATE
Gerry, literally nobody has ever
said that before. Nobody has gone
out with the fear of having their
kidneys stolen. Do you just talk
without thinking?
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       GERRY
W... kinda, yeah.
                                                            
 
EXT. AMHERST - NIGHT
                                                            
The guys all exit the building and begin walking down the
street. There are a decent amount of people walking on the
sidewalk.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Just make sure you just have mixed
drinks until we get to the frats.
If any cops drive by they'll stop
us for open cans so just use the
water bottles for now.
                                                            
                       NATE
Cops hardasses around here?
                                                            
                       CHAD
They're not too bad I think I just
have the worst luck ever.
                                                            
                       JOE
You been caught before?
                                                            
                       CHAD
Oh yeah. Three times so far this
year.
                                                            
                       NATE
Nice work.
                                                            

72.

                       DAN
What'd you get caught for?
                                                            
                       CHAD
The first time was on my birthday
and I decided that drinking a
bottle of Jack Daniel's in forty
five minutes would be a good idea.
I fell asleep puking in the
bathroom and woke up in the drunk
tank.
                                                            
                       JOE
That's awful man.
                                                            
                       CHAD
It gets worse. Some of the public
busses round here have police
details on them. My friends bet me
that I couldn't beat the cop in
rock paper scissors so I
challenged him. He smelt booze on
my breath, searched my bag, and
found a great deal of beer.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Did you at least win the game?
                                                            
                       NATE
Shut up Gerry.
                                                            
                       CHAD
The third time is the best. I got
kicked out of a frat because I
thought I could steal a dart board
and smuggle a dart board out under
my shirt. I was mad so I decided
to take a piss on their mailbox. I
was subsequently handcuffed for
indecent exposure and public
urination.
                                                            
                       NATE
Doesn't that make you a registered
sex offender?
                                                            
                       CHAD
That's the thing, on the way to
the station a group of kids flung
poo at the car and they decided to
arrest them instead and let me off
with a warning.
                                                            

73.

                       DAN
Poo?
                                                            
                       CHAD
Yeah, poo. Human fecal matter.
Grossest thing I've ever seen. It
was like monkeys at the zoo.
                                                            
                       JOE
I can't believe you just whipped
it out on the side of a busy
street like that.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Seemed like a good idea at the
time.
                                                            
                       GERRY
You know what? Someday when I'm
rich, I'm gonna have two penises.
                                                            
Nate abruptly stops walking.
                                                            
                       NATE
Alright, what the fuck!?
                                                            
The rest of the group stops walking.
                                                            
                       GERRY
What?
                                                            
                       NATE
You're seriously driving me crazy
today. You have said some of the
most ridiculous shit possible
today and I don't know where it's
coming from, but I hate being
around you because of it.
Somewhere between mermaid vagina
and two penises I lost you.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I was just saying.
                                                            
                       DAN
We're gonna tie you to a tree and
leave you someplace if you keep
this up. What happens when we get
to the frat?
                                                            
                       JOE
Are you gunna try to get with a
girl by telling her you wish you
had a second dick? The double
            (MORE)

74.

                       JOE (cont'd)
penetration by one guy, yeah,
girls love that.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Don't take this the wrong way but
please don't tell anyone you meet
tonight about this whole... second
cock venture thing. I know a
decent amount of people around
here and I really don't want them
to hate me.
                                                            
                       GERRY
You know some people appreciate my
ideas?
                                                            
                       NATE
You're a dumbass Gerry.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Well isn't that the pot calling
the kettle black?
                                                            
                       NATE
No it's not! It's ME calling YOU a
fucking dumbass!
                                                            
 
EXT. FRAT HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
The guys arrive outside of a run down frat house and walk up
to the door where a fat BOUNCER in a dirty beater shirt is
collecting money. He is wearing a trucker hat that reads
"Tax Guru."
                                                            
                       BOUNCER
Five buck each guys.
                                                            
Chad, Gerry, Joe, and Dan each hand him a five and walks in.
                                                            
                       NATE
I like your hat.
                                                            
They exchange a silent stare for a moment, Nate hands him a
five, and then follows the guys inside.
                                                            
 

75.

INT. FRAT HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
They walk in through the doorway and look around. As soon as
they enter the music stops and they make awkward eye contact
with every other guy in the room. There is not a single girl
in the house.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Nice place.
                                                            
The music resumes and the frat guys all continue talking
with each other.
                                                            
                       NATE
So Chad, where are all the chicks?
                                                            
                       CHAD
Must be an off night.
                                                            
Chad immediately points to someone across the party and
yells to them.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Yo Josh! Whuddup brah?
                                                            
Chad walks away.
                                                            
                       JOE
This is awesome man. Yeah, no I
love sausage fests.
                                                            
                       DAN
We might as well hang out for a
few minutes and maybe some girls
will show up. You know how long it
takes them to get ready. They have
to... I don't know actually. Why
the fuck does it take girls so
long to get ready?
                                                            
                       NATE
Well if they do show up we need to
keep "Double Dick" away from them.
                                                            
Chad motions to Nate from across the way.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Yo, Nate!
                                                            
Nate walks over towards Chad.
                                                            
                       DAN
Let's go find the keg.
                                                            
 

76.

INT. FRAT HOUSE KITCHEN - NIGHT
                                                            
Chad is standing next to a guy named JOSH. He's a typical
frat boy but he's very scrawny.

A beer pong table is set up in the kitchen and the place is
littered with empty cans, dirty pots and pans, and general
clutter.
                                                            
                       CHAD
We got next game if we want it.
Also Nate this is my good buddy
Josh Crensigton.....
                                                            
After the first letter or two of Josh's last name Chad
trails off into a mumble, as if he does not really know the
last name.
                                                            
                       JOSH
It's Smith.
                                                            
                       CHAD
What? Oh yeah, no, that's what I
said.
                                                            
                       JOSH
You're an asshole.
                                                            
Josh walks away.
                                                            
                       NATE
Usually the mumble technique
works. Too bad you got the kid
with a one syllable last name.
                                                            
                       CHAD
I've met him like twice. Kid's a
complete chooch. I figured we
could be nice and get some free
beers out of him.
                                                            
                       NATE
He doesn't look to happy with you
man.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Nah, he'll be fine.
                                                            
Chad points to him from across the way and does some weird
kind of finger pistol motion.

Josh flips him off and mouths the words "Fuck you."
                                                            

77.

                       CHAD
Well, that's probably good.
                                                            
 
INT. FRAT HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
A few random shots display the goings on of the party.
People are drinking, doing keg stands, and playing random
games.
                                                            
 
INT. FRAT HOUSE KITCHEN - NIGHT
                                                            
Nate and Chad play beer pong against two random frat kids.
Gerry approaches the table.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Celeb shot?
                                                            
                       NATE
Absolutely not.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Come on man! I won't miss, I
promise.
                                                            
                       NATE
Alright fine, but if you miss I'm
punching you in the nuts.
                                                            
Nate hands Gerry the ball and he gets ready to shoot.

Gerry points over to the side on the ground.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Hey look!
                                                            
Gerry immediately tries bouncing the ball. One of the frat
boys swats it without even blinking or moving.
                                                            
                       NATE
Thanks Gerry, that was a great
deal of help.
                                                            
 
INT. FRAT HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
The montage resumes. Quick clips show Gerry, Joe, and Dan
playing flip cup along with various other scenes depicting
drinking games and more socializing.
                                                            
 

78.

INT. FRAT HOUSE KITCHEN - NIGHT
                                                            
Chad shoots and sinks his last cup. He and Nate give each
other a high five.
                                                            
                       NATE
Fuck yeah!
                                                            
                       CHAD
That's eight games in a row!
                                                            
Two frat boys approach the table a black guy named MILLION
and a white guy named CHARLIE.
                                                            
                       MILLION
You guys are pretty damn good.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Thanks man.
                                                            
Million extends his hand and shakes theirs.
                                                            
                       MILLION
What's your name?
                                                            
                       CHAD
I'm Chad and this is my buddy
Nate.
                                                            
                       CHARLIE
You ever think about pledging?
                                                            
                       CHAD
Yeah I was actually thinking about
it next semester.
                                                            
                       CHARLIE
Come with me, I'll introduce you
to our president.
                                                            
Charlie and Chad walk away.
                                                            
                       NATE
So what's your name?
                                                            
                       MILLION
It's Million.
                                                            
Nate pauses, confused.
                                                            
                       NATE
What's that again?
                                                            

79.

                       MILLION
Million.
                                                            
                       NATE
Million?
                                                            
                       MILLION
Yup.
                                                            
                       NATE
Like dollars?
                                                            
                       MILLION
Yeah.
                                                            
                       NATE
Is that a nickname or...
                                                            
                       MILLION
No.
                                                            
A beat.

Nate nervously bites his tongue and nods his head.
                                                            
                       NATE
Okay...
                                                            
Dan, Joe, and Gerry walk back over to the table.
                                                            
                       JOE
Where'd Chad go?
                                                            
                       NATE
He's talking to the president of
the chapter. This is... This is
Million.
                                                            
Million extends his hand.
                                                            
                       DAN
Million?
                                                            
                       NATE
Yes.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Like dollars?
                                                            
                       MILLION
Nice to meet you.
                                                            
They all slowly shake hands with Million.
                                                            

80.

Chad re-enters the room talking with the Billy Floyd, the
large meathead that Dan had earlier his with a donut.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Guys, I want you to meet Billy
Floyd, chapter president.
                                                            
Billy and Dan make eye contact with shots progressively
getting tighter on each of their eyes. Dan's eyes get
gradually more frightened and Billy gets gradually redder
and more angry.
                                                            
                       DAN
Oh shit.
                                                            
Billy lunges towards Dan.
                                                            
                       BILLY
Mother fucker!
                                                            
 
EXT. FRAT HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
Gerry, Dan, Nate, Joe, and Chad all run out of the house.
Billy, Million, Charlie and others follow.

As they run, one of the frat guys throws a glass bottle
which hits Gerry in the head and smashes.
                                                            
                       GERRY
What the fuck!?
                                                            
He gets back up and continues running.

The frat boys all stop chasing at the end of the yard.
                                                            
 
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
                                                            
A ways down the street the guys all stop running to catch
their breath.
                                                            
                       CHAD
What the fuck was that about?
                                                            
                       DAN
I hit muscles in the chest with a
jelly donut a few hours ago.
                                                            
                       CHAD
What? Why!?
                                                            

81.

                       DAN
I don't know, why not?
                                                            
                       JOE
Can we just go back now?
                                                            
                       NATE
To the frat!?
                                                            
                       JOE
I mean just go home.
                                                            
                       DAN
Are you serious?
                                                            
                       JOE
This is fucking stupid. We almost
just got our ass kicked by Stone
Cold Steve Austin and his band of
merry men!
                                                            
                       NATE
Yeah, well, we got that out of the
way.
                                                            
                       DAN
Dude come on, just hang out for
us. I'm sexually deprived. I need
this.
                                                            
                       GERRY
You're sexually deprived!? I had a
wet dream last night!
                                                            
                       DAN
Guys have wet dreams all the time.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Yeah but usually the dream
involves more than just cuddling.
                                                            
                       CHAD
That's messed up.
                                                            
                       NATE
Will you please just hang out for
a little?
                                                            
                       JOE
You really want me to stay out?
                                                            
                       NATE
Yes!
                                                            

82.

                       JOE
Ok Nate, how about this? I'll make
you a bet. If you can get a kiss
from the next girl that walks by
I'll stay out with you guys.
                                                            
                       NATE
Seriously?
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah, seriously. That's the deal.
You keep telling me how easy these
girls are, prove it to me or I'm
done.
                                                            
Nate laughs.
                                                            
                       NATE
Really? A makeout or just a peck?
                                                            
                       JOE
A peck is fine as long as it's on
the lips.
                                                            
                       DAN
I still can't tell if you're
serious or not.
                                                            
                       JOE
You get this to happen and I will
go along with any ideas you have
for the rest of the night.
Whatever you guys want, I'll do
it. I give you my word.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Don't be a pussy man, you have to
at least try.
                                                            
                       DAN
Right there.
                                                            
Dan points to a group of four girls walking down the street
towards them.
                                                            
                       NATE
You're really making you do this?
                                                            
                       JOE
Yes I am.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Just do it!
                                                            

83.

Nate smiles and shrugs.
                                                            
                       NATE
Alright, fine.
                                                            
Nate turns and walks towards the girls.
                                                            
                       NATE
I can't believe this shit.
                                                            
He approaches the group.
                                                            
                       NATE
Ok listen, this is gonna sound
absolutely crazy but my friend
just made me a bet that I can't
get one of you to give me a kiss.
I know it's weird but it just has
to be...
                                                            
One of the girls, STEPH, grabs him and begins sloppily
making out with him.

The guys all show absolute surprise and start laughing. The
girls also start laughing and Chad, Gerry, Dan, and Joe all
walk over to the group.
                                                            
                       NATE
Wow, I wasn't expecting that!
                                                            
Steph, along with her friends LAUREN, CHARLOTTE, and ASHLEY
are all typically dressed party girls. Tight outfits and
completely impractical shoes.
                                                            
                       STEPH
I'm Steph, this is Charlotte, this
is Lauren, and this is Ashley.
                                                            
                       NATE
I'm Nate, this is Chad, Gerry,
Dan, and Joe.
                                                            
They all shake hands.
                                                            
                       CHARLOTTE
So what are you guys up to?
                                                            
                       CHAD
We just left a frat a couple
minutes ago.
                                                            

84.

                       LAUREN
Oh no! Why would you ever go to a
frat?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Those frats are nothing but ugly
dudes with half grown facial hair.
                                                            
                       STEPH
You should come hang out with us
instead. We're heading to a house
party just up the street.
                                                            
The guys look pleasantly surprised.
                                                            
                       NATE
For real?
                                                            
                       STEPH
Just follow us!
                                                            
The girls begin to walk on.
                                                            
                       GERRY
      (to Nate)
How was that man? She attacked you
like a rabid dog.
                                                            
                       NATE
I feel like I just made out with
Jose Quervo. She was cute but dear
God did she taste bad.
                                                            
 
EXT. JENNY’S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
The guys and girls all walk up to a house down the street.
The house is white and is in MUCH better condition than the
frat house. The yard is fairly well kept and does not have
the trashy look of the frat house.
                                                            
                       STEPH
Here we are.
                                                            
 
INT. JENNY’S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
The whole group enters the house. The guys look around and
notice that there are no other guys there and all of the
girls are stunning. A choir sings "Hallelujah" as they
survey the area.
                                                            

85.

                       GERRY
Pinch me.
                                                            
                       JOE
You're awake, shut up.
                                                            
A brunette girl named JENNY walks up to Steph and the guys.
She's wearing a tight dress and her boobs are almost falling
out.
                                                            
                       JENNY
Hey Steph! Ooooooh who are your
friends?
                                                            
She looks them all over flirtatiously.
                                                            
                       STEPH
This is Jake, Harry, Stan, Matt,
and Jim.
                                                            
                       NATE
It's actually Nate, Gerry, Dan,
Chad, and Joe, but close enough.
                                                            
Jenny and Steph burst out laughing.
                                                            
                       JENNY
Ooooh you are too funny! Well I'm
Jenny and this is my house. Grab a
drink. Stay a while.
                                                            
Jenny winks at the guys, blows them a kiss, and then walks
away.
                                                            
Joe leans over and whispers in Nate's ear.
                                                            
                       JOE
If I ever doubt you again I want
you to kick me in the scrotum as
hard as you can and remind me of
this very moment.
                                                            
                       NATE
Done and done.
                                                            
The scene cuts to a party montage. The guys all drink and
laugh with the girls. Other clips include:

The guys win a game of flip cup and the girls kiss them on
the cheek.

Nate and Joe play beer pong. Nate throws a ball around his
back and it goes it. Nate and Joe high five.

86.


Gerry, Dan, and Chad take tequila shots with some of the
girls. One girl passes the lime from her mouth to Dan's.

The party montage ends.

Gerry, Nate, Joe, and Chad sit around with various girls
playing "Never Have I ever." Joe is next to an attractive
redhead girl named SHANA.
                                                            
                       CHARLOTTE
Never have I ever had a threesome.
                                                            
One girl puts down her finger and the rest of the group
laugh at her. She also laughs.
                                                            
                       STEPH
Never have I ever had sex in a
shower.
                                                            
Several girls put their fingers down and the group laughs
again.
                                                            
                       NATE
Alright, never have I ever hooked
up with a guy.
                                                            
The girls all boo at his statement and all put down a
finger.
                                                            
                       NATE
Sorry!
                                                            
Gerry very subtly puts down a finger and takes a sip of beer
as Dan watches and shakes his head.
                                                            
                       CHAD
      (mouths to Gerry)
Dude.
                                                            
                       JOE
Never have I ever hooked up with a
red head.
                                                            
As some of the group laugh and put down fingers, the redhead
girl next to Joe leans over and whispers to him.
                                                            
                       SHANA
Maybe we can change that.
                                                            
Joe sits back in disbelief as the girl gets up and walks
towards a bedroom. She turns around and winks at Joe who
stands up and follows her.
                                                            
 

87.

INT. JENNY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Dan and Jenny sit on the bed making out. Dan stops
momentarily.
                                                            
                       DAN
Listen, my friend Joe just got out
of a really long miserable
relationship, and the whole reason
we brought him up tonight is so
that he could meet girls so he can
get over his ex. What do you think
his chances are tonight?
                                                            
                       JENNY
This house is filled with girls.
Every one of these girls is hot,
single, horny, and has been
downing tequila all night. You do
the math.
                                                            
                       DAN
One more question.
                                                            
                       JENNY
What's that?
                                                            
                       DAN
What are my chances tonight.
                                                            
Jenny smiles and immediately takes off her shirt.
                                                            
 
INT. JENNY’S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
Everyone is still sitting in the living room. From the other
bedroom Dan let's out a huge scream.
                                                            
                       DAN
      (from the bedroom)
YEAH BABY!!!
                                                            
Gerry, Nate, and Chad exchange glances.
                                                            
                       NATE
That was a happy noise right?
                                                            
                       CHAD
Yeah, I think so.
                                                            
Gerry lean over to the girl next to him, JANE.
                                                            

88.

                       GERRY
You know, I have an idea about a
bra made from memory foam. What do
you think?
                                                            
                       JANE
Was that some kind of pick up
line?
                                                            
Gerry stumbles over his words.
                                                            
                       GERRY
W... I, think... Yes?
                                                            
Jane shakes her head and leaves the couch. He leans back
over to Nate and Chad.
                                                            
                       NATE
I hope Joe doesn't screw this one
up.
                                                            
Chad rhymes again.
                                                            
                       CHAD
He's fine. I bet he's putting our
GAME to SHAME.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I don't know, I worry about him.
                                                            
                       NATE
He better not be showing her those
pictures of Laura he has in his
wallet.
                                                            
 
INT. JENNY’S HOUSE - SECOND BEDROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Joe sits on the bed with Shana. He has his wallet out and is
going through his pictures. The girl is playing with her
hair, clearly uninterested and pissed.
                                                            
                       JOE
This is us in Boston.
                                                            
Joe hands her a picture and she rolls her eyes.
                                                            
                       JOE
I took her to Fanuel Hall on her
birthday and got her a
Build-A-Beard.
                                                            

89.

                       SHANA
      (sarcastically)
That's great.
                                                            
He hands her another picture.
                                                            
                       JOE
And this one is when I took her
out in Maine on my dad's boat for
the weekend.
                                                            
                       SHANA
Are you guys waterboarding?
                                                            
                       JOE
No we're wake boarding... Water
boarding is a type of torture they
use in Guantanamo Bay.
                                                            
                       SHANA
      (sarcastically)
Looks like you guys had a lot of
fun.
                                                            
Joe laughs.
                                                            
                       JOE
      (lovingly)
Yeah, we did.
      (angrily)
That fucking whore. She cheated on
me for three months. I hope she
gets Chlamydia and dies.
                                                            
Shana puts her hand on Joe's leg.
                                                            
                       SHANA
Listen, I don't know anything
about you, but you seem like a
nice guy and nice guys don't
deserve that.
                                                            
                       JOE
I don't know. Maybe there was
something...
                                                            
Shana takes her hand off Joe's leg and looks extremely
livid.
                                                            
                       JOE
...I could have done to make her
stay. Maybe I drove her to...
                                                            

90.

                       SHANA
      (interrupts)
Listen, I don't really give a
shit, ok? I brought you in here
because I wanted some action and I
figured you'd be easy. I'm drunk,
horny, I'm pretty fucking hot, and
I'm throwing myself at you! Either
you make a move on me right now,
or I'm out of here.
                                                            
Joe looks her in the eyes for a moment and gently smiles.
                                                            
                       JOE
You remind me of how Laura used to
yell at me.
                                                            
She stands up and storms towards the door.
                                                            
                       SHANA
You're such a pussy.
                                                            
                       JOE
No wait... I'm sorry, you're
right... You're too hot to blow
off.
                                                            
The girl smiles menacingly and runs and jumps on Joe.
                                                            
 
INT. JENNY’S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
Everyone is still partying in the main area.

All of a sudden, cops barge into the house through the front
door and everyone runs in a frenzy.
                                                            
 
EXT. JENNY’S YARD - NIGHT
                                                            
Chad, Nate, and Gerry all meet outside and hide by a row of
bushes in the dark. Joe runs towards them from around the
back of the house moments later. Dan jumps out of a first
floor window several seconds later and falls hard on the
ground. He is wearing only boxer shorts.
                                                            
                       NATE
      (whispered yell)
Dan! Over here!
                                                            
Dan runs over to them and hides behind the bushes.
                                                            

91.

                       DAN
What the fuck just happened!?
                                                            
A flashlight shines on them as a cop approaches the bushes.
                                                            
                       COP
Hey! Get over here now!
                                                            
                       GERRY
Fuck!
                                                            
The guys all turn and immediately bolt down the street.
                                                            
 
EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT
                                                            
A ways down the street the guys all stop to catch their
breath.
                                                            
                       NATE
What the fuck was that?
                                                            
                       GERRY
That was insane, they just swarmed
the place.
                                                            
                       JOE
Why the fuck did the cops come?
                                                            
                       CHAD
That fucking house, man. They've
has been under drug watch for
months. Buncha idiots.
                                                            
The rest of the group pause briefly thinking about what Chad
just said.
                                                            
                       NATE
Wait, you knew them?
                                                            
                       CHAD
Well, I mean I don't know them but
I knew of them. Everyone on campus
knows that that house is the drug
capital of UMASS.
                                                            
                       DAN
You took us to a party in a
fucking crack den!?
                                                            

92.

                       CHAD
Well technically THEY took us
there... I just didn't INFORM you
that it was a crack den.
                                                            
                       JOE
That's so messed up.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I probably sat on a fucking
hypodermic needle or something!
What if I have AIDS!?
                                                            
                       CHAD
Easy! You guys said you wanted
girls. There were girls there...
they just happened to be tweakers
and meth heads. It's like they
say, if you want the DRUGS, you
have to look for the UGGS...
because they're all, they're all
girls, and Uggs are very popular
accessories for girls...
                                                            
                       DAN
      (interrupts)
I don't know what you're saying,
but does anyone have an undershirt
I can borrow? I'm fucking
freezing. My nipples could cut
diamonds.
                                                            
Joe looks down at Dan's crotch.
                                                            
                       JOE
Dude, do you still have a boner?
                                                            
Dan looks down and then back at Joe.
                                                            
                       DAN
It's dissipating.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I
left my wallet in the house!
                                                            
                       JOE
You have to be kidding me.
                                                            
                       NATE
What do we do?
                                                            

93.

                       GERRY
We have to go back and get the
thing!
                                                            
                       JOE
Are you insane?
                                                            
                       DAN
All my clothes are in there too. I
can't walk around the rest of the
night dressed like a chippendale.
                                                            
                       NATE
I left my backpack with all our
booze there too.
                                                            
                       CHAD
And I'm pretty sure I left my my
dignity somewhere in the house.
                                                            
                       JOE
So what's the plan? We go back and
ask the cops if we can search the
house real quick?
                                                            
                       NATE
We'll go back, wait for the cops
to leave, and then grab our shit.
                                                            
Dan starts walking back.
                                                            
                       DAN
Let's just go before I lose
feeling in my balls.
                                                            
 
EXT. JENNY’S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
The guys arrive back at the house and hide behind some
bushes in a neighbors yard. They watch as the police leave
the house carrying boxes of things and taking several people
out in handcuffs.

Once the cops drive off, they walk up to the back door and
knock. Nobody answers so they look through the window into
the dark house.
                                                            
                       DAN
They must've all got taken away or
something.
                                                            

94.

                       NATE
Yeah, the whole place is in
darkness.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Is it locked?
                                                            
Dan jiggles the doorknob but it doesn't turn.
                                                            
                       DAN
Locked.
                                                            
                       JOE
Maybe there's an open window or
something.
                                                            
They all step back and look around.

Dan points to a second story window that is cracked open.
                                                            
                       DAN
We can boost me up and I'll come
down and unlock the door.
                                                            
                       JOE
So now we're breaking into the
house?
                                                            
                       DAN
I'm not walking around half naked
for the rest of the night so
unless you wanna give me your
pants, I'm getting my stuff.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I had like seventy bucks and a
coupon for a free Slush Puppy in
my wallet. I'm not leaving that
here.
                                                            
                       CHAD
We have to do this quick and
quietly then. Just like sex.
                                                            
                       NATE
What?
                                                            
                       JOE
Fine. Let's just boost Dan up so
we can get out of here.
                                                            
Joe, Nate, Gerry, and Chad boost Dan up to the second floor
window and he climbs inside.
                                                            
 

95.

INT. JENNY’S HOUSE - UPSTAIRS BEDROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
The room is completely dark and he trips several times over
various objects before finding the light switch.

The room illuminates. It appears to be empty. Dan walks
towards the door but as he does we hears a thud in the
closet.

He cautiously walks over and opens the door. Steph jumps out
screaming and sprays Dan in the eyes with Lysol.
                                                            
                       STEPH
Mother fucker!
                                                            
                       DAN
Goddammit!
                                                            
As he screams, she jumps. round house kicks him in the
chest. and he falls backwards out the window.
                                                            
 
EXT. JENNY’S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
He falls to the ground, landing right in front of Joe,
Gerry, Nate, and Chad. They all remain calm as if nothing
had happened.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Did you find my wallet?
                                                            
Dan wails in pain on the ground.

Joe yells up to Steph.
                                                            
                       JOE
Hey! It's me, Joe! We left a bunch
of our shit inside. We weren't
trying to break in, we just didn't
think you guys were here anymore.
                                                            
                       STEPH
Fuck you guys! You all took off
when the cops came, you little
maggots.
                                                            
                       JOE
We didn't know what else to do!
                                                            
Dan remains on the ground, rolling around in pain.
                                                            

96.

                       DAN
Why didn't you tell us you were
crack heads!?
                                                            
Steph throws a pair of workboots out the window hitting Dan
in the stomach and groin. He screams in pain.
                                                            
                       DAN
What the fuck!?
                                                            
                       STEPH
Fuck you! Fuck all you guys! Get
the hell off my lawn.
                                                            
                       NATE
What, are you gonna call the cops
on us?
                                                            
                       STEPH
If you don't leave I'm getting my
gun.
                                                            
                       JOE
So now you're an arms dealer too!?
                                                            
Steph slams the window shut.
                                                            
The guys walk to a spot on the side of the house where Steph
can no longer see them.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Okay, I'm not leaving without my
shit.
                                                            
                       NATE
My license is in my backpack. I
don't want Officer Krupke barging
in there again for another fucking
cocaine raid and finding my
wallet. I'm not a coke head and I
don't want that shit on my record.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Alright, then YOU go in there.
                                                            
                       DAN
Maybe the Karate Kid went to bed
by now.
                                                            
                       GERRY
What?
                                                            

97.

                       DAN
What, you think I fell out the
window? No. I got inside and
fucking Chuck Norris jumped out of
the closet and roundhouse
kicked me in the dick.
                                                            
                       NATE
I'm not going up to her room
anyways. I think I have an idea.
Here help me with this.
                                                            
Nate points to the bulkhead. The guys very quietly open it.

Nate takes a deep breath, crosses himself and walks into the
darkness.
                                                            
 
INT. JENNY’S BASEMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
The basement is pitch dark and Nate uses his cell phone for
light. He turns a corner and hears a board creak near him.

A beat.
                                                            
                       NATE
Oh shit.
                                                            
Charlotte appears out of nowhere and smashes him over the
head with a glass bottle. He falls to the ground. gets up,
and runs towards the stairs.
                                                            
 
INT. JENNY’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
                                                            
Nate runs into the kitchen where Shana karate kicks him onto
a coffee table, which breaks.
                                                            
 
EXT. JENNY’S YARD - NIGHT
                                                            
Joe, Dan, Gerry, and Chad hear Nate scream from inside the
house.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Think he's okay?
                                                            
                       DAN
I think Bruce Lee just judo
chopped his dick off.
                                                            
 

98.

EXT. JENNY’S YARD - NIGHT
                                                            
A fair amount of time has passed which is evident by Dan,
Joe, Gerry, and Chad now sitting bored in the yard.
                                                            
Nate angrily walks back outside moments later, wearing only
a pair of girls underwear and his shoes. He is wearing a
HEAVY amount of face makeup like a member of Twisted Sister.
He carries his backpack and clothes.

The rest of the guys snicker at him.
                                                            
                       JOE
Hey J. Edgar Hoover, I see you got
your backpack.
                                                            
                       NATE
Don't.
                                                            
                       GERRY
You get our shit?
                                                            
                       NATE
No.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Why not?
                                                            
                       NATE
You have to go in one at a time,
and have ALL this shit done to
you.
                                                            
                       DAN
Why!?
                                                            
                       NATE
Because they're sadistic beauty
school dropouts with crack
addictions and they're bitter as
fuck.
                                                            
                       GERRY
You're being serious right now?
                                                            
                       NATE
Unless you want your I.D. returned
to you by staties, you're going in
there.
                                                            
Joe snickers.
                                                            

99.

                       JOE
That fucking blows for you guys.
                                                            
                       NATE
Oh yeah, Joe, Shana wants me to
tell you that you left your wallet
and all the pictures of you and
Laura in her room.
                                                            
                       JOE
W...
                                                            
Joe slams his hands against his pockets, feeling for his
wallet. He doesn't seem to feel anything and his face drops,
almost to the point of quivering.

Joe, Dan, Gerry, and Chad all exchange pissed and sad
glances and painfully inch towards the house.
                                                            
 
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
                                                            
All five guys walk down a street clad in heavy makeup.
                                                            
                       JOE
I have seriously had it with this
shit you guys.
                                                            
                       GERRY
If I get laid tonight it's worth
it.
                                                            
                       DAN
That's seriously the only thing
that might come close to
validating this night.
                                                            
                       NATE
I wouldn't count on it man.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Why the hell not?
                                                            
                       NATE
Because we look like a group of
mimes, Gerry.
                                                            
                       CHAD
We need to get this shit off of
us.
                                                            
                       NATE
Why did you go in there anyways?
                                                            

100.

                       CHAD
I had to get my stuff...
                                                            
                       GERRY
Yeah but you said you didn't leave
anything in there except your
dignity.
                                                            
                       DAN
So you didn't even have anything
in the house?
                                                            
                       CHAD
What? No, yeah, I had to get that
thing from inside. But now I have
it, so it's all okay.
                                                            
                       NATE
Never mind Chad being the weirdest
guy ever. We came up here for Joe,
remember?
                                                            
                       CHAD
I'm finding you a girl before the
night's over, man.
                                                            
                       JOE
I don't even want one.
                                                            
                       GERRY
What are you talking about?
                                                            
                       JOE
Look, can we just go back now? I'm
tired and I don't want this.
                                                            
                       DAN
We came up here so you could get a
rebound girl and forget about
Laura and now you're ditching us?
                                                            
Joe angrily stops walking.
                                                            
                       JOE
I don't need a rebound ok!? I
didn't fucking ask for this. This
entire night was your goddamn
idea. I don't want to fuck a
complete stranger and I don't want
to have a drunken hookup with
someone I don't know anything
about.
                                                            

101.

                       DAN
What do you want then?
                                                            
                       JOE
You can call me a pussy or
whatever but I still love Laura.
                                                            
The other guys groan negatively.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Can't you see that she was a
fucking bitch! What the hell is
wrong with you?
                                                            
                       JOE
What we had was real ok? It was
real to me at least. I put
everything I had into that girl
and look where I am. We made
plans, I mean we were supposed to
spend our lives together and I had
every fucking ounce of myself
invested in that. I don't want
someone to think of me as an
object or someone to screw and
never see again. I knew everything
there is to know about Laura.
Everything. That's what makes it
real: the fact that everything was
on the table and we weren't afraid
of that. We were out of our
comfort zones and it was scary but
whatever. That what love is. It's
accepting that fear because you
know the other person wont hurt
you or take advantage of you.
                                                            
He pauses for a brief second and the other guys stand in
silence.

Joe is starting to cry.
                                                            
                       JOE
But look at me now, right? Take a
fucking look at where that got me.
I gave her everything and she does
this to me? And I'm still in love
with her? What the hell is wrong
with me?
                                                            
Joe sniffles and wipes his eyes, smearing his makeup.
                                                            

102.

                       JOE
Ugh, great, my makeup is running.
                                                            
                       NATE
You know what? You're right ok?
You're right about love. You had
it all right. That's what love is.
It's being scared to open up but
the same time knowing you're
completely safe. It's that feeling
of being vulnerable and fucking
liking it because you know you're
protected, right?
                                                            
Joe looks at Nate without speaking and swallows.
                                                            
                       NATE
Well fucking look at you! Look at
what she did to you. Is this love
Joe? Is hurting someone in the
worst way possible love? Is taking
the best catch you could ever find
and fucking them over like this
love? Dude, I'm not the expert
with this shit. I've never been in
love. I've never had what you had
and I'm never gonna be half the
guy you are. But I know that what
she did to you is not love and
that is not someone you could
spend your life with. We didn't
take you out tonight because we
wanted you to fall in love. We
didn't bring you here to fuck the
first girl you see. We brought you
here to show you that there is
more to life than just Laura!
There are girls everywhere you
look and I guarantee you most of
them are better than her. We
brought you here so you could open
your eyes. You said you don't want
to be with someone you don't know
anything about. Well guess what?
You might not know anything now
but you have to start somewhere.
This time two years ago you didn't
know I fucking existed. We started
knowing nothing, but now you're my
best friend. The girl you're
supposed spend your life with is
out there, and the two of you
probably haven't even met yet. And
when she comes along you better
            (MORE)

103.

                       NATE (cont'd)
not shut her out because you don't
already know her like a best
friend. You're gonna miss out on a
lot if you do that. This isn't the
type of thing that you get second
chances with.
                                                            
Joe stands contemplating for a minute and then lets out a
large half laughing scream.

He laughs to himself as he wipes his eyes.
                                                            
                       JOE
Goddamn, that girl messed me up.
I'm just going for dudes from now
on. Less drama.
                                                            
                       DAN
At least that's a start.
                                                            
                       NATE
Joe, I'm not saying to get over
her right away... I'm just saying
that there is life after Laura.
                                                            
                       GERRY
That'd be a cool song title...
because of the alliteration.
                                                            
Chad's cell phone goes off, he removes it from his pocket,
and reads it.
                                                            
                       CHAD
There's another party like 2
blocks away from here if you want
to go.
                                                            
                       NATE
Whatever you want Joe. If you want
to go, we'll go, if you don't it's
fine. It's your call.
                                                            
Joe sniffles and wipes his eyes once more.
                                                            
                       JOE
Are these people on crack watch
too?
                                                            
Chad laughs.
                                                            
                       CHAD
No, I actually know these kids.
                                                            

104.

Joe sniffles again.
                                                            
                       JOE
Fuck it, let's go.
                                                            
The guys all smile and agree.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Time to PARTAY and GET LAID.
                                                            
                       GERRY
You seriously have a rhyme or like
an adage for every situation we've
been in tonight... It's baffling.
                                                            
                       JOE
Can we wash this makeup off first?
I feel like Boy George right now.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Yeah, let's go find a fountain or
something.
                                                            
 
EXT. STACY’S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
Chad, Nate, Gerry, Joe, and Dan walk up to another house
down the street. The house is well-kept with fresh paint and
a trimmed lawn. There is loud music coming from inside and
there are normal looking people standing outside talking to
each other. Overall a very friendly atmosphere.
                                                            
 
INT. STACY’S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
They enter and see an array of people; attractive but not
slutty dressed girls, typical bros, athletes, and a general
mix of normal and friendly looking people.
                                                            
                       CHAD
I think this is what we were
looking for. Normal people, no
crack.
                                                            
                       JOE
Here goes nothing.
                                                            
                       NATE
I actually hate that phrase.
                                                            
                       JOE
What? Why?
                                                            

105.

                       NATE
It's just cliche. I don't know, it
doesn't matter... Sorry I ruined
your entrance there. My bad.
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah, don't do that again.
                                                            
                       NATE
Scouts honor.
                                                            
Joe shakes his head and then all five guys walk into the
party in slow motion, led by Joe.

A party montage begins. The guys play flip cup, quarters,
beruit, beer pong, line chug, and kings. Everyone is having
a great time. The five guys all give high fives to other
people in the house. They sit on the couches with their arms
around girls.
                                                            
 
INT. STACY’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
The montage pauses for a moment.

Dan stands in the living room talking to a girl, JANICE.
                                                            
                       DAN
So what's your major?
                                                            
                       JANICE
I'm criminology with a minor in
law.
                                                            
                       DAN
No shit! I'm crim too!
                                                            
                       JANICE
No way!
                                                            
                       DAN
Yeah, you know, CSI, Law and
Order, I love all that shit.
                                                            
The montage resumes.
                                                            
 
INT. STACY’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
                                                            
The montage pauses again.
                                                            
Chad approaches a girl, MOLLY, who is pouring herself a
drink at the counter.
                                                            

106.

                       CHAD
You wanna know what the true
meaning of trust is?
                                                            
                       MOLLY
What's that?
                                                            
                       CHAD
Two cannibals giving each other
blow jobs.
                                                            
She shakes her head an walks away.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Woulda, coulda, shoulda... on to
the next one.
                                                            
The party montage resumes again for a few moments.
                                                            
 
INT. STACY’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Gerry sits on the couch next to a girl, BECCA.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I'm actually from California.
                                                            
                       BECCA
No way! What part?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Orange County.
                                                            
                       BECCA
Bullshit! There's no way you're
from the O.C.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Here take a look.
                                                            
Gerry pulls out his wallet and hands it to her, showing her
his license.
                                                            
                       BECCA
You really are from Orange
County... and you're only 5'5...
                                                            
                       GERRY
Uh... but I have a size 15 shoe!
                                                            
She looks happily surprised.
                                                            

107.

                       BECCA
Oh...
                                                            
The party montage resumes for a few moments again.
                                                            
 
INT. STACY’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
                                                            
The montage pauses again.

Nate stands in the kitchen talking to another girl, KATE.
                                                            
                       NATE
Yeah, so I'm the vice president of
the class this year and I did it
last year too.
                                                            
                       KATE
You're pretty involved huh?
                                                            
                       NATE
Yeah I guess I'm kind of into
everything.
                                                            
                       KATE
Everything?
                                                            
                       NATE
Everything.
                                                            
She laughs.
                                                            
                       KATE
You're pretty cocky, huh?
                                                            
                       NATE
In more ways than one.
                                                            
Nate holds his hands a foot apart from each other.
                                                            
                       NATE
      (mouths)
This big.
                                                            
The party montage resumes again.
                                                            
 
INT. STACY’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Dan talks to another girl, BRITTANY.
                                                            
                       DAN
So what's your major?
                                                            

108.

                       BRITTANY
I'm fine arts with a concentration
on the Renaissance period.
                                                            
                       DAN
Oh my God, I'm fine arts too!
                                                            
                       BRITTANY
No way! What's your concentration?
                                                            
                       DAN
It... uh... Galileo.
                                                            
                       BRITTANY
Wasn't he an astronom...
                                                            
                       DAN
      (interrupts)
I love your earrings, where did
you get those?
                                                            
The montage resumes once more.
                                                            
 
INT. STACY’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Joe stands talking to a girl, STACY.
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah, my friends took me up here
for the night just to kind of get
my mind off some stuff at school.
                                                            
                       STACY
Were you having a tough time?
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah, some stuff happened and I
needed to get away from it all.
                                                            
                       STACY
What happened?
                                                            
                       JOE
I had a shit week. My gir...
                                                            
Joe looks across the party to Nate who is talking in a
group. Nate slightly raises his cup to Joe.
                                                            
                       JOE
You know what? It doesn't even
matter. I'm Joe and you're really
pretty. Tell me about YOU.
                                                            

109.

She smiles at him.
                                                            
                       STACY
I'm Stacy.
                                                            
 
EXT. STACY’S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
The montage ends.

Layer in the night people no longer stand and talk outside
of Stacy's house.
                                                            
 
INT. STACY’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
The music is lower and a lot of the house has cleared out.

All of the guys sit on the couch or in chairs around a table
in the middle of them. Joe sits with his arm around Stacy on
the end of the couch.

He leans over and whispers to her.
                                                            
                       JOE
You wanna get out of here?
                                                            
                       STACY
Really?
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah, we could go outside, go for
a walk or someth...
                                                            
                       STACY
      (interrupts)
Wanna go to my room?
                                                            
Joe looks surprised.
                                                            
                       JOE
Your room? Um... yeah, absolutely.
                                                            
Stacy stands up and leads Joe by the hand to her bedroom.
                                                            
 
INT. STACY’S HOUSE - STACY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
They walk into the bedroom and Stacy pushes him down on the
bed without saying anything. She immediately jumps on top of
him and begins to make out with him. She takes her shirt off
so she's only wearing a bra.


110.

Joe seems to be half kissing back and has his eyes open the
whole time. He clearly has something else on his mind.

After several moments she abruptly stops and abruptly and
frantically puts her shirt back on. She is obviously upset.
                                                            
                       STACY
I'm sorry. I, I can't do this
right now.
                                                            
                       JOE
What? What's wrong? What did I do?
                                                            
                       STACY
I don't know what I'm doing.
Listen you seem like a really good
guy, and that's why I can't do
this, okay? This isn't right.
                                                            
                       JOE
I don't get it. What can't you do?
I...
                                                            
                       STACY
      (interrupts)
Just forget it, alright?
                                                            
                       JOE
I... I thought we were having a
good time tonight?
                                                            
                       STACY
Okay, look, I'm gonna sound like a
complete bitch right now, but I'm
using you. I don't want this.
                                                            
                       JOE
I don't... understand.
                                                            
                       STACY
I'm using you as a rebound okay? I
just got dumped. My boyfriend was
a piece of shit to me and I
just... I just wanted to do
something to try to make him
jealous... but why the fuck would
he even care. This isn't right to
do and I can't... I just thought I
could forget about him for the
night but I'm clearly not ready
for that yet. I'm sorry.
                                                            

111.

Joe looks away in disbelief and starts to laugh to himself.

Stacy gets mad.
                                                            
                       STACY
Why the hell is that so funny? You
think I'm...
                                                            
                       JOE
      (interrupts)
I'm not laughing at you I promise.
I was... It's just that I was kind
of using you too.
                                                            
                       STACY
What are you talking about?
                                                            
                       JOE
This is gonna sounds insane but I
was actually looking for the same
thing when I came up here. My
girlfriend was cheating on me and
I wanted to try to get her out of
my head.
                                                            
                       STACY
I can't tell if you're just making
fun of me or not...
                                                            
                       JOE
I'm completely serious. You
remember I told you I had an awful
week? Thats why. I didn't want it
to be like this either believe me.
It felt so forced but I was just
really hurt and I wanted to try to
make myself to move on.
                                                            
She looks relieved.
                                                            
                       STACY
This whole thing is just crazy to
me right now. I can't believe this
is happening.
                                                            
She laughs.
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah, I wasn't expecting it either
really.
                                                            
A few moments pass in silence where neither of them know
what to say.
                                                            

112.

                       JOE
So how long were you guys dating?
                                                            
                       STACY
Ugh, almost a year.
                                                            
                       JOE
You guys were pretty serious then?
                                                            
                       STACY
Yeah, I guess so. I THOUGHT we
were at least. You know I lost my
virginity to that prick because he
told me if I loved him I'd do it?
                                                            
                       JOE
Are you serious?
                                                            
                       STACY
Yup. And I did it... And here I
am... What about you? How long did
you get sucked in for?
                                                            
                       JOE
A year and like half of a month.
But she was cheating on me for
like four months so I don't really
know how that works...
mathematically. I don't know if
you like subtract it, or divide or
whatever you do to get the final
figure but it was a long ass time
either way.
                                                            
                       STACY
My ex cheated on me with five
girls in the course of six months?
                                                            
                       JOE
Welp, you win.
                                                            
                       STACY
Can you believe that? That's over
half the relationship!
                                                            
                       JOE
What an absolute prick.
                                                            
                       STACY
He only had sex with three of them
though... so I guess that's good.
                                                            

113.

                       JOE
I can't believe people can do
something like that to someone
they care about.
                                                            
                       STACY
Me either.
                                                            
                       JOE
Actually, you know why they do it?
                                                            
                       STACY
Why's that?
                                                            
                       JOE
Because they DON'T care. They're
miserable assholes who are so
unsatisfied with their own lives
that they have to do anything they
can to make themselves feel
special. You don't wanna be around
someone like that. I barely even
know you and I can tell you don't
deserve that. You can't give
yourself to someone like that. You
deserve better.
                                                            
She smiles and grabs his hand.
                                                            
                       STACY
I wish you had been around a year
ago to tell me that.
                                                            
 
INT. STACY’S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
A group of six or seven random people leave the party. The
only people who remain are Gerry, Joe, Nate, Dan, Chad, and
the girls they are with.

Lighter music plays over the scene in which any dialogue is
inaudible.
                                                            
 
INT. STACY’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
A girl falls asleep on Nate's lap and he lightly strokes her
hair.

Chad falls asleep in a recliner chair a few feet away.
                                                            
 

114.

INT. STACY’S HOUSE - STACY’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Joe and Stacy sit next to each other on the bed laughing and
talking to each other.
                                                            
 
INT. STACY’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
                                                            
Dan sits at the kitchen table with his head down, asleep.
                                                            
 
INT. STACY’S HOUSE - HALLWAY - NIGHT
                                                            
Gerry walks towards another bedroom, holding hands with a
VERY attractive girl.

He turns to the camera and winks just before he closes the
door, breaking the fourth wall.
                                                            
 
EXT. STACY’S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
The next morning.

The song "Don't Worry, Be Happy" plays and birds are
chirping.
                                                            
 
INT. STACY’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Nate and the girl he was with the night before lay spooning
together on the couch. The girl is the big spoon.

Chad is still asleep in the recliner a few feet away but he
has been completely dickfaced with red and black ink.
                                                            
 
INT. STACY’S HOUSE - SECOND BEDROOM - DAY
                                                            
Gerry slowly wakes up in bed with a BEAST who looks more man
than girl. He looks to his side to find that the girl he
hooked up with is actually not one bit attractive. He
immediately places his hand over mouth in shock.
                                                            
 
INT. STACY’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
                                                            
Dan is still sitting face down on the table just as he was
the night before, but he has been completely saran wrapped
to both the chair he is sitting in and the kitchen table. He
tries several times to wiggle himself out but can't move at
all.
                                                            
 

115.

INT. STACY’S HOUSE - STACY’S BEDROOM - DAY
                                                            
Joe wakes up with Stacy lying on his chest with his arm
around her in bed. He looks over at her still contently
sleeping. He smiles and closes his eyes again.
                                                            
The music fades out.
                                                            
 
INT. STACY'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Chad, Nate, and Gerry all meet in the living room, and
exchange the "how the hell did that happen" faces.

Shortly after, Joe walks in with Stacy.
                                                            
                       CHAD
You girls are seriously amazing. I
haven't had a night like that
since I've been here.
                                                            
                       NATE
Yeah, seriously that was amazing.
                                                            
                       STACY
It was our pleasure.
                                                            
                       GERRY
You guys should come visit us
sometime soon.
                                                            
                       STACY
We might take you up on that.
                                                            
The beast Gerry hooked up with walks in.
                                                            
                       BEAST
      (deep voice)
I can't wait to see YOU again
sugar.
                                                            
She slaps Gerry on the ass and walks out of the room.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Can't wait.
                                                            
                       DAN
      (from the kitchen)
Can someone come help me?
                                                            
They look into the kitchen where Dan is still saran wrapped
down.
                                                            

116.

                       JOE
Chad, you uh, you have something
on your face.
                                                            
                       CHAD
I do?
                                                            
Chad reaches up and wipes his cheek, smearing the sharpie
ink everywhere.
                                                            
                       CHAD
I get it?
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah, you're good.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Thanks.
                                                            
                       DAN
      (from the kitchen)
I seriously can't move you guys.
                                                            
 
EXT. STACY’S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Chad, Nate, Gerry, and Dan all walk towards the street. Joe
and Stacy stand on the front porch to talk. They speak to
each other in a very flirtatious way with a few playful
touches.
                                                            
                       STACY
So when are you coming to visit
again?
                                                            
                       JOE
I don't know. I mean last night
kinda sucked, so…
                                                            
She smacks him in the chest.
                                                            
                       STACY
Oh, shut up.
                                                            
                       JOE
No, I'm serious, last night was
incredible. You're an amazing
girl.
                                                            
                       STACY
Eh, you're alright too.
                                                            
She smiles at him and touches his arm.
                                                            

117.

                       STACY
Kidding!
                                                            
                       JOE
I really needed a night like that,
you have no idea.
                                                            
                       STACY
Me too. It's nice to know all guys
aren't complete assholes.
                                                            
                       JOE
We're a dying breed.
                                                            
                       STACY
You're such a tool! "We're a dying
breed?" That's all you could come
up with? What kind of line is
that?
                                                            
                       JOE
Give me a break, I'm still trying
to flirt... or something.
                                                            
                       STACY
Well you kind of suck at it... but
I still like you.
                                                            
She smiles and touches his arm again.
                                                            
                       JOE
We have a long weekend in two
weeks. Maybe we can hang out or
something?
                                                            
She smiles very wide.
                                                            
                       STACY
I'd like that.
                                                            
                       JOE
Really? Yeah, definitely. I'll
come visit you then.
                                                            
He pauses and smiles.
                                                            
                       JOE
I'll come visit you.
                                                            
The res of the guys still wait on the sidewalk.
                                                            
                       NATE
Joe, come on man.
                                                            

118.

                       GERRY
Yeah, we wan't breakfast.
                                                            
                       JOE
      (to the guys)
One second!
      (to Stacy)
Listen, I hafta go Stacy, but
thanks for everything. I can't
wait to see you again.
                                                            
                       STACY
Do you have a pen?
                                                            
Joe removes a sharpie from his pocket.
                                                            
                       JOE
Here. I dickfaced Chad with this
last night.
                                                            
Stacy grabs Joe's hand and writes her name and number and a
heart on it with the sharpie.
                                                            
                       STACY
Here's my number. Call me or text
me or whatever.
                                                            
Joe looks at his hand and smiles.
                                                            
                       JOE
I will.
                                                            
Stacy goes in for a kiss but Joe goes in for a hug. They
stop, giggle nervously, and then share an awkward hug.
                                                            
                       JOE
I'll, uh, I'll see you soon Stacy.
                                                            
                       STACY
I'll see you Joe.
                                                            
Joe begins to walk away.

Stacy looks disappointed in the background.

Joe stops walking for a moment, drops his things, turns
around, walks back to Stacy, and kisses her passionately for
a few moments.

From the street, the other four guys all look floored.
                                                            
                       NATE
Holy shit.
                                                            

119.

                       DAN
I honestly did not see that
coming.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Me either, I honestly thought Joe
was gay.
                                                            
Joe and Stacy stop for a moment and hold their foreheads to
each others' and keep their eyes closed for several seconds
after.
                                                            
                       STACY
I didn't think you were gonna do
it.
                                                            
                       JOE
I honestly didn't think I would
either.
                                                            
                       STACY
I'm glad you did.
                                                            
                       JOE
I'll be seeing you soon Stacy.
                                                            
                       STACY
I'll be seeing you too Joe.
                                                            
Upbeat music plays as he walks away. Joe walks back to the
other guys while looking over his shoulder several times to
make eye contact with Stacy who is smiling in a very giddy
way.

He catches up with the guys who all pat him on the back and
encourage him.

From the porch Stacy bites her lip as she smiles.

Joe excitedly runs towards and attempts to jump over a trash
can but he falls on his face.
                                                            
                       JOE
I love my life!
                                                            
 
EXT. BREAKFAST PLACE - DAY
                                                            
 

120.

INT. BREAKFAST PLACE - DAY
                                                            
All five guys sit around a table at breakfast. The Music
fades out. They are all making fun of each other but having
a lot of fun doing it.
                                                            
                       CHAD
No, no, the best part is when that
mammoth smacked Gerry on the ass
this morning.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Shut up, nothing happened.
                                                            
                       NATE
Yeah, because if you tried
anything she would have beat you.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Yeah dude she would have knocked
the living hell out of you.
                                                            
                       GERRY
At least I didn't get dickfaced
like you.
                                                            
                       CHAD
I wonder who did that anyways.
                                                            
                       NATE
Yeah, I wonder.
                                                            
Nate looks directly at Joe who takes a big sip of milk.
                                                            
                       DAN
Hey at least we did what we came
here to do. Joe had a good night.
                                                            
                       JOE
I did have a good night.
                                                            
                       NATE
You guys do the dirty?
                                                            
                       JOE
Wouldn't you like to know?
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       NATE
Yes... Yes actually I would like
to know. That's why I'm
asking you.
                                                            

121.

                       JOE
No we didn't, we just had a good
night.
                                                            
The guys scoff in anger.
                                                            
                       GERRY
That's seriously all we're getting
out of you?
                                                            
                       JOE
We had a great night, what else do
you want?
                                                            
                       DAN
You're acting like the sensitive
virgin at the ned of American Pie
right now.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Seriously, we need details!
                                                            
                       JOE
She's a great girl. She's amazing.
We just talked ALL night.
                                                            
                       NATE
You don't even know each other.
What the hell is there to talk
about!?
                                                            
                       NATE
Everything dude. You were right
what you said about Laura. That's
not love dude. I didn't know
anything about who she really was.
I know more about Stacy than I do
about her. After one night.
                                                            
                       DAN
Wait wait wait. So now you have
the L word for Stacy?
                                                            
                       NATE
I never would have given that
whole epic speech last night if I
thought you'd fall in love with
the first person you met.
                                                            
                       JOE
No dick, I'm not in love with her.
I just like her... a lot. I mean
maybe nothing will happen with it,
but that's at least the type of
            (MORE)

122.

                       JOE (cont'd)
girl I SHOULD be with. Someone who
makes me feel like that. I feel
like a different person after one
night.
                                                            
He pauses for a moment and takes a bite of bacon.
                                                            
                       JOE
I can't imagine what I'd feel like
after a year. If I spent as much
time with her as I did with Laura
I'd be shitting rainbows by now.
                                                            
The guys all pause in disbelief and exchange confused
glances.
                                                            
                       GERRY
What the fuck does that even mean?
                                                            
                       JOE
It's an expression.
                                                            
                       NATE
Shitting rainbows is an
expression?
                                                            
                       JOE
You know what I meant.
                                                            
                       DAN
Don't worry man, I get it.
                                                            
                       JOE
Thank you.
                                                            
                       DAN
In your fucked up mind, somehow
happiness translates into to
pooping out rainbows.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Whatever man, I'm happy for you.
                                                            
                       DAN
Speak for yourself, I have to
share a bathroom with the kid who
poops lucky charms.
                                                            
Nate smacks Dan in the chest.
                                                            
                       NATE
We're ALL happy for you.
                                                            

123.

                       CHAD
Yeah congrats bro. I've been here
for 2 years and those are the
first girls I've even spoken to.
                                                            
The guys all laugh but Chad nervously laughs and quietly
mumbles something to himself.

Dan stands up.
                                                            
                       DAN
Cool, well, if you'll excuse me
guys but this breakfast was
filling. I have to go drop the
kids off at the pool but I
have to warn you, I am in a pretty
good mood so make sure to watch
the bathroom for the array of
bright colors that's about to
shoot out.
                                                            
The rest of the guys don't respond.
                                                            
                       DAN
You get it? Cause we were talking
about pooping rainbows? You get
it?
                                                            
 
EXT. BREAKFAST PLACE - DAY
                                                            
The five guys stand outside the restaurant.
                                                            
                       NATE
It's been good seeing you man.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Yeah, seriously, thanks for having
us up.
                                                            
                       CHAD
No problem guys.
                                                            
                       JOE
It was nice seeing you again man.
Thanks for everything. This was
the best weekend I can remember
having.
                                                            
                       CHAD
I'm glad to hear it bro. Maybe
when I come visit you guys you can
find ME a girl.
                                                            

124.

They laugh.
                                                            
                       DAN
Absolutely man.
                                                            
Chad looks down.
                                                            
                       CHAD
      (quietly)
Cause I'm really lonely...
                                                            
The others all awkwardly look at each other. After a moment,
Chad looks back up, nervously laughs, and claps his hands.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Hey but that's neither here nor
there right? Alright, yeah, great,
well I'm glad you guys had fun.
                                                            
                       NATE
Yeah... Well we're gonna take off
now. We have a long drive and to
be honest I haven't been this
hungover in months. Gerry already
embarrassed you enough by porking
Danny Devito last night and I
don't wanna make you look any
worse by puking in the parking
lot.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I didn't pork her.
                                                            
                       DAN
But she did give you a hand job.
                                                            
                       JOE
That sucks man. Nobody likes hand
jobs.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Why not?
                                                            
                       NATE
Stick out your finger.
                                                            
Chad sticks out his finger and Nate tugs on it several
times.
                                                            
                       NATE
Does that feel good?
                                                            

125.

                       CHAD
No.
                                                            
                       NATE
That's why.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Either way, you guys can go to
hell.
                                                            
                       CHAD
      (quietly)
I would've taken a hand job.
                                                            
                       NATE
What?
                                                            
                       CHAD
What?
                                                            
                       NATE
What'd you say?
                                                            
                       CHAD
Yeah, no, I didn't say anything.
                                                            
                       DAN
Pretty sure you did.
                                                            
Chad, clearly frazzled, trips over his words.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Yeah, that was, the thing, about,
before when we were talking, so,
yeah, no, you guys need help
loading the car?
                                                            
                       JOE
I think we're all set.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Right, well you guys should get
going. You don't wanna hit any
rush hour traffic.
                                                            
                       GERRY
It's like ten thirty... on
Saturday.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Right, well I'll walk you over.
                                                            

126.

                       NATE
We should be all set man, thanks.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Alright well you guys have a good
drive back. Buckle up. Click it or
ticket right? Okay.
                                                            
                       JOE
Thanks again man.
                                                            
They all shake hands with Chad.
                                                            
                       DAN
Yeah, we really appreciate it.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Come visit us soon, alright?
                                                            
                       CHAD
Will do. Later guys.
                                                            
Joe, Nate, Dan, and Gerry all walk away while Chad remains
standing in the background looking off into the distance.
                                                            
                       JOE
Was it just me or was he way
weirder this morning than last
night?
                                                            
                       DAN
That was a very strange
interaction.
                                                            
                       NATE
Yeah, he's never staying with us.
                                                            
                       GERRY
God, no.
                                                            
 
EXT. BENAGLIA HALL - PARKING LOT - DAY
                                                            
Without speaking, the guys get out of Nate's car and walk
towards Benaglia.
                                                            
 
INT. BENAGLIA HALL - COMMON ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Joe, Nate, Gerry, and Dan all enter their respective rooms
and re-enter the common room moments later without their
bags. Silently, they each plop in a common room chair.


127.

After a few moments of silence, Brian's door opens and he
bobbles out into the common room.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
So what kinda trouble did you guys
get into last night?
                                                            
Joe, Dan, Gerry, and Nate all stand up without looking at
each other, and silently walk back into their respective
rooms, slamming the doors behind them.
                                                            
 
EXT. CAFETERIA - DAY
                                                            
 
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
                                                            
Nate, Dan, Gerry, and Joe all sit at a round table with
their plates of food in front of them. They are all laughing
and seem happy.
                                                            
                       DAN
I'm serious North Face has taken
over the world. Last week at that
after school hockey thing I coach
for one kid had a North Face
yamaka.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Seriously?
                                                            
                       DAN
Dead serious.
                                                            
Nate notices Laura walking towards their table.
                                                            
                       NATE
Uh-oh.
                                                            
                       JOE
What?
                                                            
Joe looks behind him and immediately turns around.
                                                            
                       JOE
Oh, Jesus.
                                                            
Laura walks up to the table.
                                                            
                       LAURA
Joe, can I talk to you for a
minute?
                                                            

128.

Joe sighs.
                                                            
                       JOE
What?
                                                            
                       LAURA
I said, "Can we talk?"
                                                            
                       JOE
And I said, "What." What the fuck
do you want Laura?
                                                            
                       LAURA
Can we maybe talk in PRIVATE?
                                                            
                       JOE
No. We can talk RIGHT HERE.
Anything you have to say to me you
can say in front of them.
                                                            
                       LAURA
Fine. Listen, I made a huge
mistake. Like a HUGE mistake. I've
been miserable all weekend Joe.
                                                            
Nate scoffs.
                                                            
                       NATE
Sucks.
                                                            
Laura looks angrily at Nate and then back to Joe.
                                                            
                       LAURA
Joe, I need you back. I never
realized how much I need you in my
life until I went without you. I
can't do it. You're my other half
and I need you.
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       JOE
Are you fucking kidding me?
                                                            
                       LAURA
I don't blame you for being
confused. I know I might have
given you mixed signals.
                                                            
                       JOE
Mixed signals!? You cheated on me
with Mitch the Bitch! What exactly
is mixed about that!?
                                                            

129.

                       LAURA
Joe listen. He's nothing to me. I
don't care about him. I want you.
I need you. Everywhere I went this
weekend I was reminded of you.
                                                            
Joe scoffs, shakes his head, and turns away from her. Laura
grabs his head and turns it back to her.
                                                            
                       LAURA
Literally everywhere I went I was
reminded of you. Everywhere. I
took a walk on Friday night. I
went by the clock tower and I saw
where you etched "Joe loves Laura"
into the metal. I walked by
Donahue Hill and all I could think
about is when we watched the
meteor shower and drank hot
chocolate. I went to the study
room in my dorm just to sit and
clear my head but all I could do
was think of the time you sat with
me for three hours while I cried
and you told me it was okay. Joe I
need you. Every place on this
campus reminds me of you. You are
a part of me and I can't lose you.
I know I'm a part of you too Joe.
I know I am.
                                                            
Joe swallows and holds back tears.
                                                            
                       JOE
Laura, I...
                                                            
                       LAURA
I can't throw away everything. I
can't throw away all the star
gazes and all the times you helped
me get over my family and all the
times we stayed up late watching
Nick at Nite and every time you
said you loved me... because I
love YOU Joe.
                                                            
Joe looks like he's about to lose it crying.
                                                            
                       JOE
Come here.
                                                            
They embrace.


130.

As they hug, Joe opens his eyes and notices Stacy's number
still written on his hand and the heart next to it.

He suddenly changes his face from relieved to angry and
pushes Laura away.
                                                            
                       LAURA
Joe... what are you doing?
                                                            
                       JOE
If you loved me... and if any of
those things meant anything to
you... you wouldn't have fucking
cheated on me.
                                                            
                       LAURA
Joe, please baby. Please think
this over.
                                                            
Joe smiles and shakes his head.
                                                            
                       JOE
No, you know what? I have thought
it over and I've decided....
You're a fucking whore and I hope
you rot in hell.
                                                            
Nate, Dan, and Gerry all try to hold back laughter but
eventually let go and burst out laughing.

Joe resumes casually eating his meal.

Laura remains silently stunned for several moments.
                                                            
                       LAURA
Are you fucking kidding me? Fine
Joe. FUCK YOU! I've been cheating
on you for three months anyways,
you fucking idiot! I'm glad I
cheated because you suck at being
a boyfriend anyways. You corny,
unoriginal asshole.
                                                            
Joe laughs.
                                                            
                       JOE
You want original? I can do
original. How's this?
                                                            
Joe stands up on his chair and yells to the cafeteria.
                                                            

131.

                       JOE
Excuse me everyone! Can I get
everyone's attention real quick?
                                                            
                       LAURA
Joe, what are you doing?
                                                            
                       JOE
My name is Joe Anderson, some of
you may know me, and until very
recently I was dating Laura Peek.
The reason I say "recently" is
because she has been cheating on
me and I just found out.
                                                            
                       GERRY
      (whispers to Joe)
With Mitch the Bitch.
                                                            
                       JOE
      (to Gerry)
Oh right, thanks dude.
      (to the cafeteria)
Sorry, she has been cheating on me
with Mitch the Bitch Fitzgibbons.
Yeah you know, the kid who dresses
like a female punk rocker, big
blonde Mohawk, you all know him.
Well anyways, she has been
sleeping with Boy George for about
three months now. If that isn't
embarrassing enough, I'm gonna
share some more interesting facts
about Laura with you. Up until her
senior year in high school, Laura
wore adult diapers because she had
a bad habit of having "accidents."
One time Laura didn't leave her
house for over two weeks because
Miss Cleo, the Jamaican tarot card
reader on TV, told her over the
phone that she was going to have
bad luck that month. Speaking of
phone calls, this past summer
Laura had her car keys taken away
by her parents after a certain 900
number ran up their phone bill.
Finally, the icing on the cake,
Laura has collected every toenail
clipping she has cut off since
sixth grade. She literally has a
four-pound bag of finger and
toenail clippings in her dorm
room. Boland 303, I suggest you go
            (MORE)

132.

                       JOE (cont'd)
see it.
                                                            
The crowd gives disgusted reaction.
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah, that's gross right? And
after all of this shit I have been
through, right now, Laura is
standing here asking if I will
take her back, only two days after
she left me for the bitch. Since
I'm a nice guy, I'll put it to a
vote and let you guys decide.
Option one: I take her back.
                                                            
The crowd reacts with nothing but boo's, angry shouts, and
mean comments.
                                                            
                       JOE
Alright, alright, settle down.
Option two: I tell her to fuck the
fuck off.
                                                            
The crowd goes absolutely insane with nothing but positive
cheering and applause.

Joe looks down to Laura and smiles.
                                                            
                       JOE
Well, there you go. Have a nice
life you heartless bitch.
                                                            
Laura looks around and the still cheering cafeteria and then
runs towards the exit. As she runs people yell at her.

She stops momentarily in front of a cook in a traditional
white robe and black hat who gives her the "suck it"
gesture.

Joe looks around at the still cheering crowd and takes a
bow.
                                                            
Laura looks around and the still cheering cafeteria and then
runs towards the exit. As she runs people yell at her.

She stops momentarily in front of a cook in a traditional
white robe and black hat who gives her the "suck it"
gesture.

Joe looks around at the still cheering crowd and takes a
bow.
                                                            
 

133.

EXT. CAFETERIA - DAY
                                                            
Joe, Nate, Dan, and Gerry walk out of the cafeteria.
                                                            
                       NATE
I can't believe you just did that.
                                                            
                       JOE
She needed to get brought down a
peg or two.
                                                            
                       DAN
I wouldn't be surprised if she
started wearing the adult diapers
again after that.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Or if she transferred schools.
                                                            
                       JOE
Whatever, that's the least I could
do for her.
                                                            
                       DAN
After that shit she pulled with
you I think she got off easy.
                                                            
                       GERRY
She deserves to have a swift kick
to the vagina with a steel toed
boot.
                                                            
                       NATE
Whoa guys, hold up.
                                                            
                       JOE
What is it?
                                                            
Nate looks at his cell phone.
                                                            
                       NATE
My buddy Johnny just texted me...
You guys wanna go to UMASS Lowell
tonight?
                                                            
They all look at each other with menacing grins.

They walk past the camera and the credits roll over the long
shot of the cafeteria.

THE END.
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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