Home Screenwriting Products Screenwriter Community Screenwriting Store
ScriptBuddy - Screenwriting Software for the Web

Screenwriter Community

Back to List of Published Screenplays
View/Leave Feedback

Badder Day Saints
by Gavin Eddings (gtagavin@gmail.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ****
A tale of Mormon missionary Shaun just trying to make it even though all odds are against him! Yes, I am still working on this screenplay. It is not finished yet.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



BADDER DAY SAINTS

FADE IN:

INT. SHAUN'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN'S ROOM
                                                            
Enter a moderate size bedroom. A small television is sitting
on one the dressers, a poster of Batman decorates the wall,
and a computer is stashed neatly in the corner of the room
next to the bed. SHAUN is opening one of the drawers and
taking out some clothes.
                                                            
SHAUN is of average build with sandy blonde hair. He has a
visible scar above his left eyebrow. SHAUN is 19 years old.
SHAUN puts his clothes in a suitcase that is laid open on
his bed. He puts a white button up dress shirt in the
suitcase and rubs his hand over it getting out any wrinkles.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
So here it is, 19 years old and
Mormon. You know what that means:
Mission time! Now for those of you
not familiar with Mormonism, here
is a rundown.
                                                            
EXT. VERMONT HILLS - 1823 - DAY
                                                            
Joseph Smith, the founder and first prophet of the Mormon
church, is searching in the hills. He digs into the soil and
lifts the gold plates. He flips through the thin plates of
gold and breathes a sigh of relief.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
So Joseph Smith gets a vision from
God that leads him to these gold
plates. Some angels appear to him
and he translates them into the
Book of Mormon. One hundred plus
years of Mormon history summarized
into one wonderfully vague
sentence. I'm like Cliff's Notes,
only shorter, less informative,
and more attractive.
                                                            
INT. SHAUN'S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN opens up some of his drawers and puts some of his
dress pant's into a different suitcase which he has laid
out.
                                                            

2.

                       SHAUN (V.O.)
      (sarcastically)
Anyway, part of our church duties
is that when us spry young men hit
19 we must serve a mission.
Honestly the only reason I am
doing this is because of what an
old ex-girlfriend told me.
                                                            
EXT. SHAUN'S PORCH - TWO YEARS EARLIER - NIGHT
                                                            
SHAUN sits on his front porch on a blue porch swing. The
porch is fairly small with two steps leading to the sidewalk
below. On the porch swing SHAUN is sitting next to TARA, his
girlfriend.
                                                            
TARA is a fairly small compared to SHAUN and has reddish
blonde hair. She is 17 in this flashback. SHAUN and TARA are
holding hands.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
You know, I really don't know if I
want to go on a mission or not.
                                                            
TARA pulls back away from SHAUN a bit.
                                                            
                       TARA
Well if you don't go on a mission
no girl will ever want to marry
you.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
But what if I do go on a mission
and still don't get married?
                                                            
                       TARA
Well then you just suck as a
person.
                                                            
INT. SHAUN'S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN goes over to his closet and grabs his backpack. He
puts it next to his suitcases on his bed.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
So after she said that I was
determined to not "suck as a
person." Anyway I have decided to
go on a mission as becoming a nun
is pretty much out and becoming
Jewish might conflict with some of
the things I believe.
                                                            

3.

SHAUN closes up his suitcase and turns to the camera.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
This is my tale, a tale of a
"Badder Day Saint."
                                                            
 
INT. SHAUN'S KITCHEN - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN comes down the stairs with suitcase in hand. He enters
a small kitchen where his mother, SHERYL GRIMSKY aka MRS.
GRIMSKY is cooking breakfast. His father, Mark Grimsky aka
MR. GRIMSKY sits reading the paper. Both of his parents are
in their mid to late 40's.
                                                            
Kitchen cabinets surround most of the counters in the
kitchen. A stove is tucked away in the left hand corner. The
refrigerator is directly across from the stove.
                                                            
MR. GRIMSKY looks up from his paper.
                                                            
                       MR. GRIMSKY
So you about ready to go?
                                                            
SHAUN sits his suitcase next to the door and walks over to
the table and sits down.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Not really, but I guess I don't
have a choice now.
                                                            
MRS. GRIMSKY walks over to the table and places a plate of
eggs in front of SHAUN.
                                                            
                       MRS. GRIMSKY
Well eat up. This might be the
last good meal you have for a
while.
                                                            
                       MR. GRIMSKY
He'll have plenty of good meals
while he is out there. I would
have killed for some Ramen noodles
when I was on my mission.
                                                            
MR. GRIMSKY puts down his paper.
                                                            
                       MR. GRIMSKY (con't)
Reminds me of when I was on my
mission. It felt like I was going
to starve at times.
                                                            
SHAUN takes a bite of food.
                                                            

4.

                       SHAUN
Wait, you didn't almost starve.
You went to Las Vegas on your
mission.
                                                            
                       MR. GRIMSKY
That's beside the point.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
What is your point?
                                                            
MR. GRIMSKY turns his attention back to his paper.
                                                            
                       MR. GRIMSKY
I'm jealous of you having Ramen...
                                                            
                       SHAUN
How was the Vegas mission anyway?
                                                            
MRS. GRIMSKY walks over to the table and sits down with
plate in hand.
                                                            
                       MRS. GRIMSKY
Oh no, you shouldn't have asked
him that...
                                                            
                       MR. GRIMSKY
I baptized a few people during my
stay in Vegas. Mainly showgirls
and those old ladies with the lung
cancer who never leave the slots.
But we almost had Seigfreid
converted. It all fell through
though when his tiger opposed the
idea...
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Is "tiger" codename for "Roy?"
                                                            
                       MR. GRIMSKY
I cannot disclose such information
at this time.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (confused)
Wait a second, you went on your
mission back in like, what? The
70's? Was Siegfreid even popular
back then?
                                                            
                       MR. GRIMSKY
This was before he became famous.
                                                            

5.

                       SHAUN
Now if for some strange reason, I
decide to look into this, will
your story hold true?
                                                            
                       MR. GRIMSKY
      (frantic)
Well look at the time. We better
get going if we want to catch that
plane.
                                                            
SHAUN gets up and puts his dish in the sink. His mother gets
up and hugs him goodbye. He then gets his suitcase and heads
out the door.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Wait, many of you must be thinking
to yourselves, "where is he going
on his mission?" Gatling, Nebraska
maybe?
                                                            
EXT. CORNFIELD - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN stands alone in a cornfield witha farmhouse in the
background. He is tackled by children who are led by a tall
red headed child.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
No, thankfully I am not getting
sent to convert any members of a
cornfield cult. I am getting sent
to a place far worse. Much, much
worse...
                                                            
 
INT. UTAH AIRPORT - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN gets off the plane and proceeds to get his luggage. He
then looks for a cab to take him to the Missionary Training
Center or MTC for short.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
No, I haven't been sent to Utah.
Actually I have been sent to Utah
but only temporarily. I must first
be trained in the fine art of
knocking on doors and the bitter
taste of defeat as most of those
doors will slam in my face. After
my training I will be sent to the
hellish place known as..
                                                            
A montage of Skee-Ball machines and boardwalks.
                                                            

6.

                       SHAUN (V.O.)
New Jersey.
                                                            
EXT. MTC - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN gets out of his taxi and pays for his ride. He
proceeds to go inside the double doors of the building.
                                                            
INT. MTC - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN proceeds to the main check in desk. The RECEPTIONIST
looks up from his computer.
                                                            
                       RECEPTIONIST
And you are?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Elder Shaun Grimsky.
                                                            
                       RECEPTIONIST
Grimsky
      (sarcastic)
That's friendly. Well your name is
lovely and all but do you have
your forms?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Oh yeah, my bad. Sorry.
                                                            
SHAUN reaches around and takes his backpack off of his
shoulder. He unzips it and begins digging in it. After a few
moments he produces his crumpled paperwork.
                                                            
                       RECEPTIONIST
One moment please.

Ok, here is your schedule.
                                                            
The RECEPTIONIST finishes up his computer work and hands
SHAUN his schedule of events that he will need to complete
his MTC training.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Thank you.
                                                            
SHAUN begins to walk off but something on his schedule
catches his eye. SHAUN walks back to the sign in desk.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Umm, I think you made a mistake on
my schedule. You have me down for
foreign language classes. I'm not
leaving the country.
                                                            

7.

                       RECEPTIONIST
No, but your going to Jersey,
that's foreign enough.
                                                            
 
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN walks into the room and finds a desk towards the back
and sits down. There is a chalk board towards the front of
the room. There are about 10 other people sitting at their
desks also.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Now I thought they were joking
when they said I had to take a
foreign language class for a
mission to Jersey but alas they
were serious. So here I am sitting
here waiting to learn the language
of the land in that far away land
known as New Jersey.
                                                            
STEVE SKYLARK aka MR.SKYLARK enters the room and heads
toward the front. He is the teacher for the foreign language
class. He is fairly tall with black hair with patches of
gray. He is about 50 years old.
                                                            
                       MR. SKYLARK
      (setting up)
Hello and welcome to "US Foreign
Language and Culture 101." I will
be your teacher Mr. Skylark. You
can call me Brother Skylark but I
must say I prefer Mr. It makes me
feel young and rebellious.
                                                            
A STUDENT raises his hand.
                                                            
                       MR. SKYLARK
      (pointing to
       STUDENT 1)
Yes, you have a question.
                                                            
                       STUDENT 1
Mmm, yeah, this class is a joke
right? I mean, where we're going,
there aren't many foreign speaking
people.
                                                            
                       MR. SKYLARK
This sir, is no joke. This is not
only a language class but a
culture class as well. Some of
            (MORE)

8.

                       MR. SKYLARK (cont'd)
these tips may wind up saving your
life. I was asked to teach this
class specifically for those
people going on New England
missions.
                                                            
                       STUDENT 1
Wait, save our lives?
                                                            
                       MR. SKYLARK
Yes, save your life. Please turn
your eyes to the projection
screens so we can get started.
                                                            
MR.SKYLARK moves the projector forward and turns it on. A
image of a corner hotdog vendor is projected onto the
screen. The hotdog cart has the words "Action Hot Dogs"
spread across the side of it.
                                                            
                       MR. SKYLARK
Now this hotdog vendor looks nice
enough right?
                                                            
Class nods in agreement
                                                            
                       MR. SKYLARK
And see this is where I am going
to save your life. This hotdog
vendor was not friendly at all. He
wasn't even selling hotdogs. He
instead was selling rolled up
bologna that a nearby gorcery
store had thrown out. He rolled
the ends off and sold them like
that.
                                                            
Various class members put their hands over their mouths and
gasp.
                                                            
                       MR. SKYLARK
How many of you like mustard on
your hotdogs?
                                                            
SHAUN and a select few of brave others raise their hands
                                                            
                       MR. SKYLARK
Well you wouldn't want the mustard
at this guys stand. You know why?
It wasn't mustard at all but
yellow paint.
                                                            
One student runs out of the room covering his mouth so not
to throw up on the floor.
                                                            

9.

                       MR. SKYLARK
This class is not for the weak.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Wow, I didn't know evil could
present itself in the form of a
hotdog. Learn something new
everyday, yet I must wonder if
yellow paint tastes like mustard
though.
                                                            
An hour goes by and MR.SKYLARK begins to lecture on his next
topic.
                                                            
                       MR. SKYLARK
Now we are going to move onto our
foreign language portion of the
class. Now while people in New
York, New Jersey, or Rhode Island
do speak English, it is a
different type of English.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
What do you mean, "different kind
of English?"
                                                            
                       MR. SKYLARK
When trying to speak in their
native tongue, you must pretend
that you just bit your tongue
while being punched in the
stomach.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
You have got to be kidding me.
                                                            
                       MR. SKYLARK
Ok Mr. Skeptic, try it for
yourself. Hit yourself in the
stomach, bite down on your tongue,
and say the oh so popular phrase
"forget about it."
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Fine, I will.
                                                            
SHAUN hits himself in the stomach and bites down on his
tongue.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Fuhgettaboutit.
                                                            

10.

                       MR. SKYLARK
PERFECT!
                                                            
                       STUDENT 1
Thats amazing!
                                                            
                       STUDENT 2
We are not worthy!
                                                            
                       MR. SKYLARK
Well I think that about wraps it
up for todays class. Feel free to
try what Shaun did in your free
time. Have a good rest of the day.
                                                            
The class gets up and heads to the door. As they leave many
students hit themself in the stomach, bite down on their
tongue, and try to say various things.
                                                            
 
INT. MTC HALLWAY - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN walks out into the hallway and see's a fellow
classmate. The hallway is lined with doors to different
classrooms with a entrance to the cafeteria at the end of
the hall. He walks over to STEVE SHWAY aka STEVE.
                                                            
STEVE is quite attractive. He is tall and built fairly well.
He has blonde hair and is the same age as SHAUN.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Hey, you just come from the US
Foreign language class?
                                                            
                       STEVE
Yeah, why?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Mmmm, I'm not good at making
conversation.
                                                            
SHAUN puts his hand out.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Hi, I'm Shaun.
                                                            
                       STEVE
      (confused)
Are you...are you coming on to me?
                                                            
SHAUN withdraws his hand slowly.
                                                            

11.

                       SHAUN
Mmm...no. I just wanted to talk to
someone and you seemed pretty
cool.
                                                            
                       STEVE
      (arrogant)
I am pretty cool looking, aren't
I?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (confused)
I guess..
                                                            
                       STEVE
Are you sure you aren't coming on
to me?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Yeah I'm sure. I am "Napoleon
Dynamite was the most pointless
movie ever made" sure.
                                                            
                       STEVE
Wow, that's pretty sure.
                                                            
STEVE puts his hand out.
                                                            
                       STEVE
I'm Steve.
                                                            
SHAUN reaches out and shakes STEVE's hand.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Shaun.
                                                            
SHAUN and STEVE begin walking down the hall.
                                                            
                       STEVE
So where you headed to on this fun
path of being a missionary?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Trenton, New Jersey. You?
                                                            
                       STEVE
Manhatten. At least I know not to
buy any hotdogs now.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
That was pretty screwed up. Let me
ask you this: you ever question
going on a mission at all?
                                                            

12.

                       STEVE
Yeah I did some, why?
                                                            
Upon walking down the hall MAX STEAMS aka MAX over hears
STEVE and SHAUN's conversation.
                                                            
MAX is short and pudgy with big thick black glasses.
                                                            
                       MAX
Why would you question something
as wonderful as going on a
mission?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (to Max)
And you would be who? The annoying
voice of reason maybe?
                                                            
                       MAX
That has offended me! Actually, I
am Max Steams or Elder Steams if
you will. I have been called to
the Salt Lake City, Utah mission.
                                                            
                       STEVE
      (sarcastically)
Not too many Mormons there...
                                                            
                       MAX
Your sarcasm is not appreciated.
                                                            
SHAUN and STEVE turn their attention away from MAX and
continue talking to each other.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (pointing at MAX)
This guy reminds me of Sherman
from the American Pie movies.
                                                            
MAX gasps and butts back into the conversation.
                                                            
                       MAX
American Pie was an R rated movie
with sexually explicit humor. What
are you doing watching a movie
like that? I bet you listen to the
radio too.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Yeah I listen to the radio.
                                                            
                       STEVE
Yeah, so do I.
                                                            

13.

MAX takes a step back and points his finger at STEVE and
SHAUN.
                                                            
                       MAX
SINNERS!
                                                            
MAX runs down the hall waving his arms and screaming. He
runs into a girl who is holding a box of papers. He knocks
her over as papers fall all over the ground.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I bet he listens to Creed....
                                                            
 
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN and STEVE walk into the cafeteria. They walk over to
the lunch line where there are four people in front of them.
To their left there are circular tables with four chairs
each.
                                                            
SHAUN and STEVE both grab a lunchtray.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
So what do you think you will miss
most when you are out in the
field?
                                                            
                       STEVE
I dunno really. I guess movies,
music, and probably most of all,
the ladies.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Ahh yes, the ladies. Now I, like
all men, love the ladies. We will
make ourselves look like complete
morons if we know it will get a
chuckle from that girl we have had
our eye on. However my luck with
the ladies hasn't been so good.
This is usually my approach.
                                                            
INT. PARTY - NIGHT
                                                            
SHAUN is at a dance party. People are dancing and having a
fun time as techno music plays. SHAUN approaches an
attractive REDHEAD with a rag in his hand.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (to REDHEAD)
Excuse me, does this rag smell
like chloroform to you?
                                                            

14.

The attractive REDHEAD kicks SHAUN in the crotch and walks
away. SHAUN falls down.
                                                            
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (to STEVE)
Yeah, I'll miss the ladies too.
                                                            
SHAUN and STEVE move forward in the lunchline.
                                                            
                       STEVE
So do you have a girl waiting for
you back home?
                                                            
SHAUN places a carton of chocolate milk on his lunchtray.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
No, I haven't had a steady
girlfriend for about a year and a
half. You have someone waiting for
you at home?
                                                            
STEVE places some food on his tray.
                                                            
                       STEVE
Yeah, I do.
                                                            
SHAUN and STEVE reach the end of the lunchline. STEVE gets
his wallet out in preparation of paying. He pulls out a
picture of a attractive blonde.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
That your girlfriend?
                                                            
                       STEVE
Yep. Her name's Lindsay. We've
been together for about two years.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
That's sweet. I hope you two work
out better than my ex and I did.
Hope no permanent injury comes
from your relationship.
                                                            
SHAUN and STEVE pay for their food and sit down at a table
next to a window.
                                                            
STEVE takes a bite of food.
                                                            
                       STEVE
Wait, what do you mean permanent
injury?
                                                            

15.

                       SHAUN
Well if you say the wrong thing to
your girlfriend be prepared.
                                                            
                       STEVE
Be prepared for?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Projectile weapons.
                                                            
                       STEVE
      (confused)
Be prepared for projectile
weapons?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Yep. Projectile weapons. If need
be women will throw the most
harmless things at you. However
they make them harmful. Take for
instance the story of how I got
the scar above my left eyebrow on
my forehead.
                                                            
SHAUN points to the scar on his forehead.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (cont'd)
About three years ago me and my ex
Amanda had been arguing. We went
to the mall and this girl I knew
walked by so I gave a second
glance but the girl I knew didn't
notice me. So we get back to her
house and she confronts me about
it.
                                                            
INT. KITCHEN - THREE YEARS EARLIER - NIGHT
                                                            
SHAUN is in the kitchen of his girlfriend AMANDA's kitchen.
It is a fairly small kitchen with cabinets and such and a
fairly small stove. There is a small kitchen island in the
middle of the room. There is a chair in the corner of the
room that SHAUN has placed his coat on.
                                                            
AMANDA is tall and slender with dark black hair. She is 16
in this flashback.
                                                            
AMANDA paces back and forth around the kitchen, stops, and
confronts SHAUN.
                                                            
                       AMANDA
I saw you looking at her!
                                                            

16.

                       SHAUN
I knew her from school! She didn't
notice me though.
                                                            
                       AMANDA
That is a bunch of crap and you
know it! What is it? Is she more
attractive than me?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Of course not and you know it. I
care for you a lot Amanda. Why
would I throw that all away for
somebody else?
                                                            
                       AMANDA
Ok, ok. Let me ask you this, if I
was her and she was me, would you
take a second look at her?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Wait, what? That didn't make any
sense.
                                                            
                       AMANDA
You saying I don't make any sense
now, is that it? I bet you think
the girl at the mall makes more
sense than me, is that what you
think?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
No. Aren't you blowing this out of
proportion a bit?
                                                            
                       AMANDA
Now I'm blowing things out of
proportion? What do you want from
me?
                                                            
SHAUN walks over to the chair that his coat is resting on.
He puts his coat on and grabs his car keys from the table.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I'm gonna leave now. I'll come
back when you aren't so...well I
don't know what you are right now
but I'll come back when you aren't
it.
                                                            
SHAUN turns his back to AMANDA and begins to walk away.
                                                            

17.

                       AMANDA
      (under breath)
I'll teach him not to look at
other girls.
      (normal voice)
Oh Shaun, you forgot something.
                                                            
SHAUN turns back towards AMANDA.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
What now?
                                                            
AMANDA grabs a can of pepper from the counter top and hurls
it at SHAUN. The corner of the can pelts SHAUN in the
forehead. SHAUN falls down as blood comes out of his wound.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
It is...so....over
                                                            
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
                                                            
STEVE has his mouth open in shock of what he just heard.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I had to get two stitches. I lied
at the hospital about how it
happened.
                                                            
STEVE is holding back laughter.
                                                            
                       STEVE
Did you...did you tell the people
at the hospital you "fell into a
doorknob?"
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Man, aren't you just a comedian?
Anyway, I suspect many more were
pelted by various objects from
that girl. Know what really sucked
about that whole situation?
                                                            
                       STEVE
I can't begin to guess.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
She played softball.
                                                            
                       STEVE
Wait, how did that make it suck
worse?
                                                            

18.

                       SHAUN
She was the pitcher.
                                                            
                       STEVE
Dude, that's harsh.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Really? You think so?
                                                            
                       STEVE
So I take it you two broke up
shortly after?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Were you not listening? She pelted
me in the head with a pepper can!
Of course I broke up with her.
                                                            
                       STEVE
So what ever happened to her?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I dunno really. I think she joined
the army after graduation.
                                                            
                       STEVE
Why did she do that?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Well for one they knew she could
throw things. She also got this
crazy obsession with the movie
G.I. Jane shortly after we broke
up. I dunno what that means.
                                                            
                       STEVE
I know what that means...
                                                            
                       SHAUN
What does it mean?
                                                            
STEVE pats SHAUN on the back.
                                                            
                       STEVE
I'll tell you when you're older.
                                                            
SHAUN and STEVE get up from the table and put their food in
the dishwashing window. They exit through the main doors.
                                                            
 

19.

INT. MTC- TWO WEEKS LATER - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN is heading out to a taxi with luggage in hand. As he
is getting ready to leave for the airport he spots STEVE and
walks over to him.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Hey Steve!
                                                            
STEVE turns his attention to SHAUN.
                                                            
                       STEVE
Oh hey Shaun, you heading out?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Yeah.
                                                            
                       STEVE
Same here.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Couldn't leave though without
saying goodbye to the one person
that made this stay bearable.
                                                            
                       STEVE
Ditto to that. I know I am going
to tell everyone I know I met a
guy who got the crap kicked out of
him by a can of pepper.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Yeah...well I guess this is
goodbye.
                                                            
                       STEVE
This isn't a romantic comedy
Shaun. Don't say crap like that.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (manly)
Well, I guess I shall be leaving
your presence now.
                                                            
                       STEVE
Much better.
                                                            
STEVE high fives SHAUN and gives him a quick one arm hug.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Are you sure you aren't coming on
to me?
                                                            

20.

                       STEVE
Well that came back and bit me on
the ass, didn't it?
                                                            
MAX walks by and hears what STEVE said.
                                                            
                       MAX
You said a profane word. I am
highly offended! I guess that's
one of those words you picked up
watching the Music Television!
                                                            
                       STEVE
God, just go away.
                                                            
                       MAX
Your sinning makes my soul hurt.
                                                            
                       STEVE
Would it hurt less if I hit you in
the face?
                                                            
                       MAX
Are you on drugs?
                                                            
                       STEVE
What? No, why?
                                                            
                       MAX
You are showing the same symptoms
of people who use the drug Exodus!
                                                            
SHAUN places his hand on his forehead.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
You have got to be kidding me.
                                                            
                       STEVE
Don't you mean ecstasy?
                                                            
                       MAX
Well only a drug addict would know
the difference.
                                                            
                       STEVE
Or a moron wouldn't.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Can I get in on that offer to hit
him?
                                                            

21.

                       MAX
Well I no longer feel welcome
here. Goodbye and may God have
mercy on the people who you will
be trying to convert.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Coincidentally, I was hoping God
would have mercy on them also.
                                                            
EXT. NEW JERSEY AIRPORT - DAY
                                                            
A plane lands on the runway.
                                                            
 
INT. NEW JERSEY AIRPORT - DAY
                                                            
SHAWN walks off of the plane and into the main lobby of the
airport. SHAUN looks around the airport and then at his
watch.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
And I have landed...in New Jersey.
Not exactly Mars but it might as
well be. So I guess I'm setting up
camp here for the next two years.
God, why do I have the sudden
desire to succeed at skee-ball?
                                                            
A man approaches SHAUN. He has dark hair and is in fairly
good shape. He is in his early to mid 40's.
                                                            
                       MAN
Elder Grimsky?
                                                            
SHAUN turns around.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Hmm?
                                                            
                       MAN
Elder Shaun Grimsky?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Oh, you mean me. Not use to people
calling me "elder."
                                                            
                       MAN
Ahh well, I am Brother Rick Timms
from the Trenton branch of the
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter
Day Saints.
                                                            

22.

                       SHAUN
You mean the Mormon church?
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
      (confused)
Ummm yes, why?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Oh, you think I'm Mormon?
      (laughing)
That's funny.
      (serious)
Actually I'm a Baptist missionary.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
      (confused)
But your nametag says "Church of
Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints"
on it.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I know.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
Well how do you explain that?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Misprint. Apparently somebody
forgot to run...a...church check
on the computer.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
Church check?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Yeah. See a lot of churches buy
name tags from the same
distributor and in order not to
mix up the orders they run church
check. Church check makes sure
that the right nametag goes to the
right person in the right church.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
I see. So why didn't you send
yours back to get it fixed?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I'm lazy. I blame it on having a
broken motivator.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
A broken what?
                                                            

23.

                       SHAUN
A broken motivator.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
What is that?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
You've seen the original Star Wars
haven't you?
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
Yes, but what does that have to do
with anything?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
You know the red droid that Uncle
Owen buys from the Jawa's?
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
Right after Luke whined about
Tashi Station and getting power
converters?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Yeah. Well that red droid broke
down because it had a broken
motivator.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
And that's what you have?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Yep. Shame really.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
I'm sorry if I have offended you.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
You haven't. Would you look over
their for a minute?
                                                            
SHAUN points at a black tinted window.
                                                            
BRO. TIMMS looks over at the window.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
Why?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Because you are on our hidden
camera show "Naive Adults!"
                                                            

24.

                       BRO. TIMMS
Really?!
                                                            
                       SHAUN
No, not really. But I am actually
Mormon. So you ready to go?
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
But what about your broken
motivator?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
That's not a real condition.
However if it was, I'd most likely
have it.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
Well I'll take you to the church
on one condition.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
And that is?
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
We never speak of this again.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Fine by me.
                                                            
SHAUN and BRO. TIMMS walk over to the luggage claim. They
pass by various airport patrons before reaching the claim.
They stand in line for a few moments before SHAUN's luggage
passes by. SHAUN grabs his suitcase and slings his backpack
over his shoulder. They then walk out the main door of the
airport and out to the parking lot.
                                                            
EXT. AIRPORT PARKING LOT - DAY
                                                            
                       SHAUN
So where is your car?
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
That's it over there.
                                                            
BRO. TIMMS points to a red sportscar.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Wow, nice car.
                                                            
The red sportscar pulls out revealing a station wagon with
wooden side panels parked beside it.
                                                            

25.

                       BRO. TIMMS
Thanks, nobody has said that about
the "Shaggin Wagon" for a long
time.
                                                            
SHAUN and BRO. TIMMS get into the car and pull out of the
lot. The car speeds down the highway.
                                                            
INT. CAR - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN squirms uncomfortably in the passanger side seat.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
If you had asked me a year ago
what I would be doing today, I
would not have answered "getting
into a Mormons self proclaimed
'Shaggin Wagon'." I don't think
anything could make this any more
awkward.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
Hey Elder Grimsky, do you like
Creed?
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Nevermind.
                                                            
 
EXT. CHURCH - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN and BRO. TIMMS pull up to the church in the "Shaggin
Wagon." SHAUN steps opens his car door and the song "With
Arms Wide Open" pours out of the car. BRO. TIMMS turns off
the ignition of the car and steps out as well. They move to
the drivers side of the car and lounge against the side of
it.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
Well here we are. You should be
getting a companion as soon as
they get here.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
He makes it sound like I ordered a
bride off the internet.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Any idea who the person is?
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
No idea. I know he will be a guy
and 19 though.
                                                            

26.

                       SHAUN
Aren't you just a never ending
pool of information and
intelligence?
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
I can't give you a hard time? You
had me convinced you were baptist.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Once again I state your level of
never ending information and
intelligence.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
You really should have a better
attitude about being a missionary.
You are doing the Lord's work. It
is a blessing.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I suppose. Are mission costs tax
refundable?
                                                            
A car pulls into the parking lot of the church.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
Ahh, here they are.
                                                            
Two men get out of the car. They are KYLE ARNOT aka KYLE and
BRO. CARDUL. KYLE is 19 and has brown hair. He has a
muscular build. BRO. CARDUL is 54 and has white hair. He is
fairly short and chubby.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
Let's go meet your new companion.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.0.)
Again with the making it sound
like a mail order bride.
                                                            
BRO. TIMMS and SHAUN walk over to the two men.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
How are you today Bro. Cardul?
                                                            
BRO. CARDUL and BRO. TIMMS shake hands.
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
I'm doing just fine.
      (looks at SHAUN)
So is this your piece of fresh
meat?
            (MORE)

27.

                       BRO. CARDUL (cont'd)
      (to SHAUN)
You must be Elder Grimsky. I love
seeing new Mormon missionary's
eager to do the Lord's work.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Actually I'm bapt-
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
      (butting in)
Yes he's Elder Grimsky.
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
Well Elder Grimsky this is your
partner, Elder Kyle Arnot.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Or not what?
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
Arnot.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Or not what?
                                                            
                       KYLE
That's my last name, Arnot.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Oh ok, sorry.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Don't worry about it. It happens
to me more than you think.
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
Well let's go inside and get the
paper work taken care of so
tomorrow you can go out and start
knocking on doors. So good to see
you boys doing the Lords work.
                                                            
SHAUN, KYLE, BRO. TIMMS, and BRO. CARDUL walk towards the
church. They enter the single set of double doors.
                                                            
INT. CHURCH - DAY
                                                            
We enter the church to see a row of hallways leading to
different classrooms. In the center of the building there is
a gym and a chapel. The men walk down the hallway until they
arrive at a office.
                                                            

28.

                       BRO. TIMMS
We'll just be a few minutes and we
should have you two set up in your
apartment.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Sounds good.
                                                            
BRO. TIMMS and BRO. CARDUL walk into the office. SHAUN and
KYLE walk to the sitting area and sit on the couch.
                                                            
                       KYLE
They shouldn't be too long.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Now see there are just some things
you just don't say in the Mormon
church. One of those things is the
phrase "This shouldn't take too
long." It's suicide. I am sure
those two will get off topic and
talk about how the church was back
when they had to walk two miles to
get there. We could be here a
while.
                                                            
A montage of SHAUN and KYLE squirming on the couch begins.
                                                            
TWO HOURS LATER
                                                            
BRO. TIMMS and BRO. CARDUL walk out into the area where
SHAUN and KYLE are. We see that SHAUN is sitting on the
couch upside down and KYLE is laying face down on the floor.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
Can we ask you Elders something?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Ok.
                                                            
                       KYLE
      (muffled by floor)
Sure.
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
Ok, are you ready for this? It's a
doozie of a question and Bro.
Timms and I can't seem to agree on
it. Ready?
                                                            
SHAUN sits upright.
                                                            

29.

                       SHAUN
Yes, just ask it.
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
Pirate's or Ninja's?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Please tell me you haven't been
arguing about this for the past
two hours.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
      (laughing)
Of course not.
      (serious)
We spent the first ten filling out
your papers.
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
Well which is it?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (same time with
       KYLE)
Ninja's.
                                                            
                       KYLE
      (same time with
       SHAUN)
Ninja's.
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
I told you Ninja's were better.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
In no way shape or form are
Ninja's better than Pirate's.
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
Well apparently two other people
agree with me. I win.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Ok, ok, we all agree Pirates suck.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
Don't speak for me!
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Whatever, can we please just go to
the apartment now?
                                                            

30.

                       BRO. CARDUL
He's right, we should go.
                                                            
The men exit the church and head to their cars. BRO. TIMMS
steps into his car. Before closing his door he turns the
ignition and the same song starts playing again.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Bro. Cardul, can I ride with you?
                                                            
 
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - NIGHT
                                                            
The cars pull up to a apartment complex. The apartments are
fairly new. There are two apartments on the bottom and a
staircase leading to two more apartments on the top.
                                                            
The men step out of the cars.
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
Well your apartment is number 2887
up top.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
It doesn't look too bad I guess. I
had imagined worse.
                                                            
EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
                                                            
A dank warehouse in a bad part of town. Broken windows and
graffitti on the sides of the building.
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
Well here is your place. It's a
Missionary Factory. It's where
missionary's are built. Say good
bye to your free will.
                                                            
INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
                                                            
A medical lab with many supplies. Various machines making
different beeps and blurps. SHAUN is sitting on a operating
table and doctors are attaching a fake arm with a Book of
Mormon attached to SHAUN.
                                                            
SHAUN steps off of the table and stands before BRO. CARDUL.
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
Ahh yes, rise my creation!
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (robotic)
Hello, I am Elder Grimsky of the
            (MORE)

31.

                       SHAUN (cont'd)
Church of Jesus Chirst of Latter
Day Saint's, can we rule the
world, I mean have a minute of
your time?
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
I need to fix that glitch...
                                                            
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - NIGHT
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Actually it's not that much
different..
                                                            
                       KYLE
Look's good.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Yeah.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
Well let's move inside shall we?
                                                            
They proceed up the stairs to the apartment. BRO. TIMMS puts
the key in the lock and turns it. The doors opens and they
walk in.
                                                            
INT. APARTMENT 2887 - DUSK
                                                            
The apartment is of moderate size. There are two bedrooms in
the back, a bathroom to the right, a kitchen to the left,
and a living room towards the front.
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
Well here it is, your home for the
next two years.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
Let's show you the bedrooms.
                                                            
The men move past the living room and down the hallway to
the first bedroom.
                                                            
BEDROOM
                                                            
This bedroom is very small with a single bed in the corner.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
This will be Elder Grimsky's room.
                                                            
SHAUN sits down on the single bed and promptly stands back
up.
                                                            

32.

                       SHAUN
Is there a reason the bed is wet?
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
Funny story actually, the last
missionary who slept here still
kinda..
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Kinda what?
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
Well he still wet the bed.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Still wet the bed?!
                                                            
                       KYLE
I thought that was a requirement
when filling out mission papers.
Wasn't there a question like: "You
don't still wet the bed, do you?"
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
Well it is on the new forms. This
missionary went on his mission
before the church leaders raised
the bar on requirements.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Wait, you mean the old
requirements didn't require you to
not wet the bed?
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
Not really. We never thought it
would be a problem.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
Don't worry Elder Grimsky, a new
mattress should be here tomorrow.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Tomorrow?! What I am supposed to
do until then?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Well you could endure the great
torture device known as the comfy
chair.
                                                            

33.

                       SHAUN
      (to Kyle)
Not helping.
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
I suppose you could endure the wet
mattress or sleep on the couch.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I'll take couch I guess.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Can I see my room now?
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
Sure thing.
                                                            
They all leave the first bedroom and move down the hall to
the second one.
                                                            
BEDROOM 2
                                                            
This bedroom is much larger with a queen size bed in the
middle of the room and a walk in closet in the corner.
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
Now I hope the bed isn't too large
for you Elder Arnot.
                                                            
                       KYLE
I think I'll manage ok.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Wait, he gets a queen size bed and
I get the freshly moist mattress?
Maybe it's just me but that
doesn't seem right.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
We honestly knew this would be a
point of contention so we flipped
a coin to see who would get which
room.
                                                            
                       KYLE
I don't see a problem with the way
they picked.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (to Kyle)
Well that's easy for you to say,
you're not the one stuck with the
yellow pool of slumber.
                                                            

34.

                       BRO. CARDUL
Elder Grimsky, are we forgetting
the scripture about "enduring to
the end?"
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Enduring is one thing, sleeping on
a bed that somebody relieved
themself in is something
different.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
Attitude, Elder Grimsky.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Sorry, but it doesn't seem right.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
It's only for one night. It's not
the end of the world.
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
With that said, I think we should
let these Elders get some sleep.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
Indeed. Well have a wonderful
night gentlemen.
                                                            
                       KYLE
You too.
                                                            
BRO. CARDUL and BRO. TIMMS leave through the front door.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Well I'm going to bed. See you
tomorrow.
                                                            
KYLE walks into his bedroom.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (to himself)
That's easy for you to say.
                                                            
SHAUN gets a blanket and pillow from the hallway closet and
sets up a pallet on the couch. He takes his church clothes
off and puts his watch on top of the sofa.
                                                            
SHAUN lays down on the couch.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
This is going to be fun.
                                                            

35.

A montage of SHAUN tossing and turning begins.
                                                            
INT. APARTMENT 2887 - MORNING
                                                            
SHAUN is awoken by a knock at the door. He gets up and makes
his way over to the door. He opens the door. A delivery man
stands in the doorway.
                                                            
                       DELIVERY MAN
You Shaun Grimsky?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (groggy)
Yeah, why?
                                                            
                       DELIVERY MAN
Well we have a matress delivery
for a Shaun Grimsky.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Oh ok great. Let me get my
roommate to come and help.
                                                            
SHAUN walks over to KYLE's bedroom door.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Kyle, the delivery guy is here
with my mattress. Can you maybe
get up and help?
                                                            
                       KYLE (O.S.)
Fine, I'm coming.
                                                            
SHAUN walks back over to the door and see the DELIVERY MAN
unloading the matress off of the truck. SHAUN goes out and
helps him move the mattress up the apartment stairs.
                                                            
KYLE exits his bedroom.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Sheesh, can't he do anything on
his own?
                                                            
SHAUN and the DELIVERY MAN move the mattress into the house.
On the way, they bump the couch and knock SHAUN's watch off
the top of the couch and into the cushions. KYLE watches the
watch fall into the cushions and walks over to the couch.
SHAUN and the DELIVERY MAN move the mattress into the
bedroom and set it down.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Whoo, that's heavy.
                                                            

36.

                       DELIVERY MAN
      (sarcastic)
I wouldn't know heavy, I'm just a
delivery guy..
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Well the church should have paid
you in advance so have a nice day.
                                                            
                       DELIVERY MAN
      (under breathe)
I'm so unwanted...
                                                            
The DELIVERY MAN leaves.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Hey Shaun, your watch fell into
the couch.
                                                            
SHAUN walks towards the kitchen.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Could you get it out for me
please?
                                                            
                       KYLE
I guess.
                                                            
KYLE pushes back the blanket, removes the cushions from the
couch, and grabs the watch. He notices a handle under where
the cushions used to be.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Hey, Shaun.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (O.S.)
Yeah?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Did you know this couch turns into
a bed?
                                                            
SHAUN puts his head down on the kitchen counter.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
God is mocking me.
                                                            
KYLE walks over to SHAUN and hands him his watch.
                                                            

37.

                       KYLE
Cheer up, he's not mocking you, he
is simply making you look
completely retarded for the
amusement of others.
                                                            
SHAUN picks his head up off of the counter.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
What's the difference?
                                                            
KYLE reaches into the cabinet and grabs the cereal box.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Well the difference is simple.
What you said makes it seem like
God is only making your life hard
for his own amusement. Mine
however says that God is doing it
for the amusement of others. Mine
makes more sense because God is a
giving person. Seriously though,
why would God mock you for his own
amusement? He has better things to
do. However humanity doesn't and
thus the reason we get to witness
you looking completely retarded.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
So in other words I am being
mocked for your amusement?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Did I not just say that?
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Stupid companion and his stupid
ability to use logic...
                                                            
 
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
                                                            
KYLE and SHAUN are in a sun filled neighborhood. Houses line
both sides of the street. KYLE and SHAUN are wearing their
church clothes and are both carrying Books of Mormon.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
This is the third block we have
been to today. Can you guess what
has been happening to us?
                                                            
EXT. HOUSE - DAY
                                                            

38.

SHAUN and KYLE stand outside a modest sized house. An
ELDERLY WOMAN looks out the window suspiciously as they
knock on the door.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Ma'am, we promise we aren't Grim
Reapers!
                                                            
EXT. MANSION - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE stand outsidde the gate of a large MANSION.
They are next to the intercom.
                                                            
                       KYLE
No sir, we aren't here to leech
off of your wealth. We also aren't
here to repot you.
                                                            
                       MAN
      (from Intercom)
Are you wearing pants?
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE look at each other briefly before bolting off
the property.
                                                            
MONTAGE
                                                            
1)3 doors slam in the face of SHAUN and KYLE in quick
succession.
                                                            
END MONTAGE
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Oh yeah, lot's of door slamming.
However I am starting to like the
"woosh" sound the door makes as it
is slamming. The breeze is nice
too. The few houses we did go in
though weren't much better though.
                                                            
INT. HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE sit on the couch in a young WOMANS's home.
She sits across from them in a nice armchair. There is a
fireplace to the left of the men and the door is across the
room in front of them.
                                                            
                       KYLE
So now that you know where we come
from and who we are associated
with, we would like to know if you
have any questions for us.
                                                            

39.

                       WOMAN
Well I do have a few.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Please feel free to ask.
                                                            
                       WOMAN
Well who did Jesus hang out with?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
An odd question but I think Elder
Arnot can anwser that for you.
                                                            
                       KYLE
I can?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Yes, yes you can.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
That'll teach him to mock me when
I am talking about somebody
mocking me.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Well Jesus had his disciples and
his Apostles if that is what you
mean.
                                                            
                       WOMAN
That's helpful but who did Jesus
teach and stuff like that.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Well, despite popular belief,
Jesus didn't usually "hang" with
the religious people. He was
usually seen teaching people who
were outcast.
                                                            
                       WOMAN
Outkast? He taught Outkast?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Yes, yes he did.
                                                            
                       WOMAN
That makes sense. No wonder their
music is so good, they've had
since Jesus' time to get good.
                                                            

40.

                       SHAUN
      (under breathe)
Oh my God..
                                                            
                       WOMAN
I now know why Andre 3000 puts the
number at the end of his name.
It's not just some random number,
it's his age!
                                                            
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE approach another house. A MAN in his early
20's answers the door.
                                                            
                       MAN
Hey, like, can I help you guys?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Yes, we're from the Church of
Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
Can we have a minute of your time?
                                                            
                       MAN
Man, you from a church, that's
crazy. I was just thinking about
church.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
That's cool. So what made you
decide to look into religion?
                                                            
                       MAN
Well see my buddy, he's had a gun
shop. Anyway man, somebody came in
and shot him. So it got me like
thinking and stuff about what
happens when you die.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
A gun shop owner shot. Irony in
it's purest form.
                                                            
                       MAN
Naw man, that's not irony.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Yeah it is. Like when something
bad happens to somebody who
usually does the same thing for a
living or something, that's irony.
                                                            

41.

                       MAN
Naw man, you got it all wrong.
Irony is when you get the clothes
out of the dryer and you get done
ironing them and you know, your
clothes are all irony and stuff.
                                                            
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE walk down the street.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
It's so much fun when people think
rappers were taught by Jesus and
confuse words of the English
language with doing their
laundry.. I'd say this can't get
any worse but I have a feeling it
probably will.
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE approach a blue house with white shutters.
They step up on the porch and ring the doorbell.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Wonder if anyone is home.
                                                            
KYLE looks around the side of the house. A red car is parked
in the driveway.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Looks like their car is here.
                                                            
An attractive woman answers the door. Her name is STEVIE and
she is really attractive. She is about average size, skinny,
and has beautiful blonde hair. She is 23 years old.
                                                            
                       STEVIE
Can I help you?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Yes, we are from the Church of
Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
We were wondering if we could have
a minute of your time?
                                                            
                       STEVIE
Oh, I know who you guys are,
please come on in.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Thanks.
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE move forward and enter STEVIE's house.
                                                            
 

42.

INT. STEVIE'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE enter the living room and sit down on the
couch. There are paintings on the wall and a nice rug on the
floor. STEVIE sits down across from them in a arm chair.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Thanks for having us in.
                                                            
                       STEVIE
Not a problem. I'm Stevie by the
way.
                                                            
SHAUN shakes STEVIES hand.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I'm Sha.. I mean Elder Grimsky.
                                                            
KYLE shakes STEVIE's hand.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Elder Arnot. Nice to meet you.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
You mentioned you knew who we
were, how did you know that?
                                                            
                       STEVIE
Well some missionary's came by
once, and I was interested, but
they never came back for some
reason.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Oh I see.
                                                            
                       STEVIE
I am still interested and I don't
know why.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Well the seeds of the truth have
been planted and we are here to
make sure it grows.
                                                            

43.

                       SHAUN
Or another example could be that
your interest is like a flower. A
beautiful flower that has not yet
grown because it hasn't been
pollinated yet. However I am a
missionary, or in this case a bee,
and I have come to polli....teach
you.
                                                            
A confused look sprawls across STEVIE's face.
                                                            
                       STEVIE
Did we just do what I think we did
in that example? Did we just
meta-fornicate?
                                                            
                       KYLE
I guarantee that's not what he
meant. I mean just look at him.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (distracted)
Hmmmm? What?
                                                            
                       KYLE
See?
                                                            
                       STEVIE
That makes me feel better.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Well we actually have to go to
more houses but is there someway
we could make an appointment to
maybe come back tomorrow?
                                                            
                       STEVIE
That'd be fine. Is it ok if I
bring somebody else who may be
interested?
                                                            
                       KYLE
That'd be great. The more people
we can talk to the better.
                                                            
                       STEVIE
Ok, well is 3 o' clock tomorrow
ok?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
That'd be fine.
                                                            

44.

                       KYLE
Well we better get going.
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE get up and take turns shaking STEVIE's hand
before heading out the door.
                                                            
INT. APARTMENT 2887 - NIGHT
                                                            
At the apartment, SHAUN is lounging on the couch. KYLE
enters the room and hangs up the phone. KYLE walks over and
sits down on the couch.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Well, I just got off the phone
with Bro. Cardul.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
About what?
                                                            
                       KYLE
About you being a horrible person.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I'm sure he could have figured
that one out on his own.
Reassurance is always good though.
What were you really talking about
though?
                                                            
                       KYLE
I just told him about the
appointment we have with Stevie
tomorrow.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
What'd he say?
                                                            
                       KYLE
He wished us the best and so on.
You think we can convert her?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Probably. That's not a bad thing
since she wasn't too hard on the
eyes.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Hey, don't try to convert her just
so you can go out with her.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I wouldn't think of it.
                                                            

45.

                       KYLE
Good. Speaking of girls, you got a
special lady waiting for you at
home?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
My mom.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Awww, that's really sweet and mind
blowingly creepy at the same time.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I try. What about you, you got a
girl?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Nah.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Well then let me ask you this
then, one single guy to another
single guy, what is one of the
most unattractive things you find
in a girl?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Marching band.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Marching band?
                                                            
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY
                                                            
A marching band is playing on the field wearing their
complete uniforms. A lone obnoxious girl can be seen toting
a tuba.
                                                            
INT. APARTMENT 2887 - NIGHT
                                                            
                       KYLE
Just something about those fuzzy
hypnotic uniforms. Some kind of
black magic has to be involved
when creating those unifroms.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
The uniforms always bothered me,
too.
                                                            
                       KYLE
What about you, what's your big
turn off?
                                                            

46.

                       SHAUN
You know girls who really like to
write notes and stuff like that?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Yeah, what about it?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Well girls who write notes don't
bother me. However, girls who
write notes in perfect handwriting
bother me.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Why does that bother you?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I wasn't finished. Girls who write
in perfect handwriting but can't
spell worth crap bother me.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Have an example?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Actually I do. Let me go get it.
                                                            
SHAUN goes into his bedroom for a moment. Shuffling of
things is heard before SHAUN comes out of his room and sits
back on the couch.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I was looking through my backpack
the other day and found I had left
this old note in my backpack from
high school. My ex-girlfriend Tara
wrote it to me Junior year.
                                                            
SHAUN unfolds the note.
                                                            
The note is written in perfect handwriting and says:

"Dear Shaun,
Why did'nt you kiss me the other nite? We went out to diner
and evarything. I don't have kooties or anething. I whish
you would tell me what has ben bothering you. Aneway I gota
go for now.

Sinsurly,
Tara"
                                                            
KYLE is in disbelief.
                                                            

47.

                       KYLE
Did she really spell "cooties"
with a K?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
She spelled everything with a K.
We had to do this paper on the
Civil War Junior year and she kept
spelling "combat" with a K.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Why?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
We went to an arcade the weekend
before and she saw the machine for
Mortal Kombat and thought that was
the correct spelling. I honestly
don't think that girl could spell
check an M&M.
                                                            
                       KYLE
That's pretty harsh.
                                                            
SHAUN gets up and stretches.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I'm going to bed. Gotta get up
nice and early tomorrow.
                                                            
                       KYLE
That sounds pretty good to me.
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE go to their seperate rooms.
                                                            
 
EXT. STEVIE'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE are walking down the street and about to
approach STEVIE's porch.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Our first real appointment. Maybe
being a missionary won't be that
bad after all.
                                                            
KYLE rings the doorbell and STEVIE answers.
                                                            
                       STEVIE
Right on time guys, come on in.
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE walk into the house.
                                                            

48.

INT. STEVIE'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
KYLE and SHAUN enter and sit down on the couch.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
So, where is the person you were
telling us about?
                                                            
                       STEVIE
He is in the bathroom.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Uh-oh, she said he.
                                                            
                       KYLE
So how do you know him?
                                                            
                       STEVIE
He's my boyfriend.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
She said boyfriend, this can't end
well..
                                                            
MARK comes out of the bathroom. MARK is quite large and
muscular and is 24 years old. He walks over and sits next to
STEVIE on the loveseat.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (to Mark)
Hello, I'm Elder Grimsky.
                                                            
                       KYLE
      (to Mark)
And I'm Elder Arnot.
                                                            
                       MARK
Grimsky, eh?
      (sarcastic)
That's friendly....
                                                            
                       STEVIE
Be nice Mark, these are the men
who are going to teach me the
gospel, or as Elder Grimsky put
it, pollinate the beautiful flower
of faith inside of me.
                                                            
                       MARK
      (standing up)
Did you say you were going to
pollinate my girlfriend?
                                                            

49.

                       SHAUN
      (nervous)
Umm yes but...umm...if you sit in
maybe we could pollinate you too.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Oh God...
                                                            
                       MARK
What did you say to me?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (nervous)
Or maybe we could all pollinate
each other..
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Oh God. Lips please stop moving.
                                                            
                       MARK
You sick little pervert.
                                                            
                       STEVIE
NO MARK!
                                                            
MARK pulls his arm back and his fist begins to go towards
SHAUN's face.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
This is gonna suck....
                                                            
MARK's fist connects with SHAUN's face and knocks SHAUN off
the couch. SHAUN blacks out.
                                                            
 
INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
SHAUN awakens on a hospital bed in the Emergency Room. He
has a large lump on his head. KYLE is standing next to him.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Where..where am I?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Shaun, and this may come as a
shock, but you have been in a coma
for the past six years.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Like in The Dead Zone?
                                                            

50.

                       KYLE
Just like that. You should try out
you powers.
                                                            
A young NURSE enters the room and walks over to SHAUN's bed.
                                                            
                       NURSE
Finally awake are we?
                                                            
SHAUN lunges overand grabs the NURSE's arm.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
There is going to be a fire and
your daughter may be harmed.
                                                            
                       NURSE
What are you talking about? I
don't have a daughter.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I meant your son may be harmed..
                                                            
                       NURSE
I don't have any kids.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Then your husband is in...
                                                            
                       NURSE
      (interrupting)
I'm single.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (smooth)
Really?
                                                            
The NURSE looks SHAUN up and down.
                                                            
                       NURSE
Single, yes. With you, no. Your
powers should have told you that.
                                                            
The NURSE leaves the room.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Kyle, was I really in a coma for
six years?
                                                            
                       KYLE
If by "six years" you mean "an
hour and a half" then yes, you've
been in a coma for six years.
                                                            

51.

                       SHAUN
What happened? Where is Stevie? Is
she safe?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Yeah, she's fine. However her
boyfriend punched you in his
anger..
                                                            
SHAUN sits up on his bed and throws his arms out.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Nooooooo!
                                                            
SHAUN puts his arms back down and lays back down.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (con't)
No, wait, that sounds about right.
So what happened after I fell into
the large boyfriends fist?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Well he left and Stevie explained
to me that you are not the first
missionary he has punched.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
That would explain why they never
come back.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Yep.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
So I guess this is one of those
"take it with a grain of salt and
keep going" experiences isn't it?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Seems like it. C'mon, let's go.
Doctor said we could go as soon as
you came to. He already did tests
and said there was no further
brain damage.
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE exit the room and head to the desk where they
sign out. The young NURSE passes by them.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Your dog may be in danger!
                                                            
                       NURSE
I'm allergic you moron.
                                                            

52.

INT. APARTMENT 2887 - MORNING
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
So how many of you think me
getting hit in the face after a
metaphor gone wrong is my rock
bottom? Knowing my life, it will
be the high point of my entire
mission.
                                                            
SHAUN is sitting at the table in the kitchen finishing up
his cereal. KYLE enters from his bedroom.
                                                            
                       KYLE
C'mon Shaun, we are already
behind.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
The problem being?
                                                            
                       KYLE
The problem being we are gonna get
chewed out for slacking off. Hurry
up so we can go.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Fine. Let's go.
                                                            
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
                                                            
KYLE and SHAUN approach a house. They knock on the door and
wait fora response. A rough looking MAN answers the door.
                                                            
                       MAN
Can I help you?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Yes we are from the Church of
Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
and we were wondering if we could
have a moment of your time.
                                                            
                       MAN
Church of Jesus Christ, that's
religious right?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Mmmm, yes, yes it is.
                                                            
                       MAN
Ok, so tell me something you might
"teach" me.
                                                            

53.

                       SHAUN
Well we teach the plan of
Salvation.
                                                            
                       MAN
Not interested already. I donate
something to them each Christmas,
you ain't getting anything else
from me.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Sir, you are thinking of the
"Salvation Army." We don't do the
bell ringing thing.
                                                            
                       MAN
Oh, so what does yours mean?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
"Our" plan of Salvation means that
you can have eternal life after
you die.
                                                            
                       MAN
      (laughing)
Oh you silly little men with
matching clothes, people don't
die..
      (serious)
unless I kill em'.
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE bolt of the porch and down the street.
                                                            
                       MAN
Yeah that usually get's rid of
em'.
                                                            
KYLE and SHAUN run down the block a bit more before
stopping.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
This is what I was rushed out of
the house for?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Oh Shaun, I'm sure that guy
doesn't really kill people.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Thanks Kyle, I feel a lot better
after knowing that there may be a
small chance that the man we just
talked to, does in fact, not kill
            (MORE)

54.

                       SHAUN (cont'd)
people. Apparently he read the
article where I said "killing
people" was one of my turn-offs.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Once again I have to remind you
that we have to keep going.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (sarcastic)
Let us march onward then.
                                                            
Montage of three doors slamming in KYLE and SHAUN's face
                                                            
                       SHAUN (VO)
Oh goodie, it's back to the
addicting "whoosh" sound again.
                                                            
KYLE and SHAUN walk off the porch of the last door that
slammed in their faces.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
That's it, I swear the next door
that slams in my face, I am going
to go FedEX on the owner.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Come again?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Going FedEx, it's like going
postal, only faster.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Doesn't the shipping cost more
though?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Yeah but you only have to pay for
the first fist....
      (realizing KYLE
       was being
       sarcastic)
SHUT UP!
                                                            
 
EXT. COUNTRY CLUB - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE are at a golf course and they are talking
with a man. His name is CHRIS ANDERSON aka CHRIS. CHRIS is
in his 50's and it shows. He is balding and a bit
overweight.
                                                            

55.

He is getting ready to swing his 3 wood at the golf ball
that is on the tee.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Now some of you may be wondering
why we are at a golf course and
why we are talking to this man.
Well like everything there is a
story behind it.
                                                            
EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE are walking down the street and they notice
the COUNTRY CLUB.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Naturally, Kyle felt ambitious and
wanted to go exploring our new
discovery.
                                                            
                       KYLE
I need to use the bathroom.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
What? It was sort of ambitious.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Well maybe we can use the bathroom
in that country club up there.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Genious, pure genious.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Uhh huh.
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE approach the COUNTRY CLUB doors and enter.
                                                            
INT. COUNTRY CLUB MAIN HALL - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE enter the COUNTRY CLUB and see a stone
fountain flowing clear blue water out of it's top. To the
right of them is the bar and restaraunt area of the club and
to the left is the hallway to various athletic activities.
The first door on the left in that hallway leads to the
tennis courts as we can see and hear two men playing tennis.
To door on the left leads to the 18 hole golf course
outside. Straight ahead are the restrooms.
                                                            
                       KYLE
I'll be right back.
                                                            

56.

                       SHAUN
Ok.
                                                            
KYLE heads towards the restrooms.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (to himself)
Just play it cool Shaun. Don't let
them know you don't have a
membership. Just be
yourself...errr somebody else
would probably be a safer bet.
                                                            
A waitress walks by carrying a tray of assorted cheeses.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
CHEESE!
                                                            
SHAUN grabs a large handful of cheese.
                                                            
                       WAITRESS
Mmmm sir, are you new here?
                                                            
INT. COUNTRY CLUB BATHROOM - DAY
                                                            
KYLE is standing at a urinal relieving himself. A MAN walks
in and stands in the urinal next to him.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Nice weather we're having, eh?
                                                            
                       MAN
It's alright I guess.
                                                            
                       KYLE
So what are you here for?
                                                            
                       MAN
I'm here meeting some very
powerful buisnessmen actually.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Oh, that's interesting.
                                                            
                       MAN
You talk to people often in public
restrooms?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Not really why?
                                                            

57.

                       MAN
To be quite honest your funeral
director like appearence is
creeping me out to the point where
I cannot relieve myself. I must
say that is quite ominuous.
                                                            
KYLE zips up, walks over the sink, washes his hands, and
gets ready to dry them off. However a attendant comes over
and dry's his hands for him.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Wow, that was nice.
                                                            
KYLE leaves the restroom.
                                                            
INT. COUNTRY CLUB MAIN HALL - DAY
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Am I new here? I'm insulted!
                                                            
SHAUN points to his nametag but covers up the church
information with his hand.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (con't)
You see this? This says "Elder
Grimsky." I am part of the
exclusive Elders club of this
place.
                                                            
SHAUN's outburst draws the attention of two Italian men
sitting in the restaurant.
                                                            
                       WAITRESS
      (confused)
I don't think we have a "Elders"
club.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Well you do and I am one of
the...uhhh...Eldest Elders. Yeah,
so you shouldn't question me when
I take cheese.
                                                            
The two Italian men get up from the table and proceed to
move towards SHAUN. The men are SILVIO DANANO aka SILVIO and
LEO BANANDO aka LEO.

LEO is dressed in a nice suit and has his hair slicked back.
His use of hair gel is evident. He has a muscualr build and
has black hair. He is 42 years old.


58.

SILVIO is also dressed in a nice suit. His hair is also
combed back. He is also of a muscular build and has white
hair. He is 46 years old.
                                                            
                       LEO
      (to WAITRESS)
Run along, honey.
                                                            
The WAITRESS walks away.
                                                            
                       WAITRESS
Yes, Mr. Banando.
                                                            
                       SILVIO
That's what we like to hear.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Can I help you guys?
                                                            
                       SILVIO
In a matter of fact you can. But
first let me ask you something,
when'd you get out of the pen?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Come again?
                                                            
KYLE steps out of the bathroom and heads towards the
fountain before seeing SHAUN, LEO, and SILVIO talking.
                                                            
                       KYLE
      (to himself)
Oh mother of God.
                                                            
SHAUN stands completly numb, realizing what he may have
gotten himself into.
                                                            
                       LEO
When did you get out of prison?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (nervous)
I've never been in prison.
                                                            
                       SILVIO
Man this kid must be good then.
Never going to prison but still
getting Elder status.
                                                            
                       LEO
So young to. You musta started
young
                                                            
LEO looks at SHAUN's nametag.
                                                            

59.

                       LEO (con't)
Elder Grimsky.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
At this point I have no idea what
is going on so I say the first
thing that pops into my mind.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Oh yeah, I learned to ride a bike
when I was six.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Something tells me that's not what
they meant.
                                                            
                       LEO
      (Laughing)
I love this kid.
      (serious)
So how much do you charge?
                                                            
SHAUN begins to shake.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Well when I mowed lawns I usually
charged twenty..sometimes more
depending on the size of the lawn.
                                                            
SILVIO grabs SHAUN by the collar.
                                                            
                       SILVIO
Ok wiseguy, I've had about enough
of you and your jokes. Now your
status of Elder means you are a
pretty successful hitman and I
need somebody whacked. Now how
much do you charge?
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Now I was honestly about to
urinate myself but I held back.
Why you ask? Not because it would
make me lose the last shred of
dignity I may have had left but
rather because this is the only
suit I have for the rest of my
mission.
                                                            
KYLE runs over to assist SHAUN.
                                                            

60.

                       KYLE
Whoa, whoa, whoa guys, calm down.
He's not worth it.
                                                            
SILVIO releases his hands from SHAUN.
                                                            
                       LEO
Don't worry, everything is cool
here.
                                                            
                       SILVIO
Yo Leo look, he's an Elder too.
                                                            
                       LEO
He must be the brains behind the
operation.
                                                            
                       SILVIO
So how much you charge for a
garbage removal?
                                                            
CHRIS approaches.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Do these men really look like they
are garbage men? I think it's time
you guys run along.
                                                            
                       LEO
Yeah, I think you're right. Sorry
to disturb these gentlemen.
                                                            
SILVIO and LEO go back to their table and begin eating their
meals again.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Something tells me you guys aren't
hitmen.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
You're not wrong. We aren't hitmen
but we are a force to be reckoned
with.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Actually we're Mormon.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
I know, I just wanted to see how
far your 'Tonto' over here would
blow it out of proportion.
                                                            

61.

                       SHAUN
Hey, that's not cool. I do not
deserve to be compared to the dog
from 'Johnny Quest.'
                                                            
 
EXT. COUNTRY CLUB - DAY
                                                            
                       SHAUN (VO)
Now that we have the much needed
backstory and how we got here,
let's see what happens from here
shall we?
                                                            
CHRIS pulls back his club and swings. The ball goes straight
down the fairway.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Nice shot. Now may I ask who those
guys were, and more importantly,
who you are?
                                                            
                       CHRIS
I'm Chris Anderson, F.B.I. I play
golf here and your friends over
there run the place. They are the
mob if you haven't caught on by
now. I'm speaking to your friend
over there.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Hey!
                                                            
                       KYLE
Anyway how did you know who we
were?
                                                            
                       CHRIS
My oldest daughter joined your
church about a year and a half
ago.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
That's pretty cool. Where does she
live at?
                                                            

62.

                       CHRIS
Montana. She lives there with her
husband who is also a member. He
actually was the one that got her
into the church. I myself have
been slightly interested but never
felt really inclined to research
her new religion.
                                                            
KYLE, SHAUN, and CHRIS walk down the fairway to retrieve
CHRIS's ball.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Well would you be willing to learn
about her religion?
                                                            
                       CHRIS
I suppose it couldn't hurt
anything.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Well can we have your phone number
so we could maybe set up an
appointment?
                                                            
                       CHRIS
      (uncomfortably)
Are you sure you want my number?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Yes, why would we not want it two
seconds after asking for it?
                                                            
                       CHRIS
As funny as it seems, I am kind of
embarrassed by my phone number.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Trust me we've had stranger things
happen to us.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I got hit in the face after a
wayward metaphor, it can't be much
worse than that.
                                                            
                       KYLE
      (getting pen and
       paper out)
He did get hit in the face. So
come on, what's your number?
                                                            

63.

                       CHRIS
      (under breath)
867-5309
                                                            
                       KYLE
Come again?
                                                            
                       CHRIS
867-5309
                                                            
                       SHAUN
That's your phone number?! Was
your maiden name 'Tutone?'
                                                            
                       KYLE
Seriously Shaun, grow up.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
What? He made fun of me and called
me the dog from 'Johnny Quest.'
                                                            
                       CHRIS
No I didn't, I called you 'Tonto.'
                                                            
                       SHAUN
The dog from 'Johnny Quest.' See
you admit it.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Shaun shut up. 'Tonto' was the
'Lone Rangers' horse. 'Bandit' was
'Johnny Quests' dog. Did he call
you 'Bandit?'
                                                            
                       SHAUN
No.
                                                            
                       KYLE
So drop it. And God help me if you
say "like it's hot."
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Like it's...not.
                                                            
                       KYLE
I do so very much not like you.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Aren't missionary companions
supposed to be like great friends?
Like the kind of "take a bullet
for you" kind of friends?
                                                            

64.

                       KYLE
Please, I'll be the one shooting
at him.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
We actually aren't always like
this. We do get along most of the
time.
                                                            
                       KYLE
I must admit we do get along when
you aren't getting the Mafia
angry.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Not getting the Mafia angry is a
plus.
      (pulling pen and
       paper out)
What was your number again?
                                                            
                       CHRIS
867-5309.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Well I got your number.
      (singing)
I got it, I got your number on the
wall.
                                                            
 
INT. APARTMENT 2887 - NIGHT
                                                            
SHUAN and KYLE are sitting at the kitchen table eating Ramen
noodles.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
My dad would be so jealous right
now.
                                                            
                       KYLE
What?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Oh nothing, just thinking out
loud.
                                                            
                       KYLE
You tend to do that a lot.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Yes I do.
                                                            

65.

SHAUN takes a bite of food.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (con't)
So when is Chris' appointment set
up for?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Tomorrow afternoon. Hey Shaun,
does it bother you that in the
entire eight month period we have
been out, we haven't challenged
anybody to join the church or even
come to church for that matter?
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Have we really been out eight
months already? Only feels like we
have been out for about 45
minutes, an hour tops. That's odd.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Not really. I was going to give a
Book of Mormon to that one lady at
the park though.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Why didn't you?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Well she was old so I decided I
would place the Book of Mormon
inside her purse so that she
didn't have to strain herself. I
reach for her purse, she hits me
with something, and starts
screaming. So I run.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Where was I during this time?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I think you were buying us lunch.
                                                            
SHAUN turns his focus to the meal in front of him.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Oh yeah, that was the day I got us
hotdogs from that vendor in the
park.
                                                            
SHAUN becomes alert.
                                                            

66.

                       SHAUN
What did you just say?
                                                            
                       KYLE
What? I just said "that was the
day I bought us hot dogs in the
park from that vendor." What's
wrong with that? You had me go and
get you like three of them when
you finished the first. I believe
you said, and I quote, "This is
the best hotdog I have ever had in
my life." I think you also went on
to say, and again I quote, "Grey
Poupon ain't got nothin' on this
mustard."
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (on edge)
What was the name of the vendor
you bought from?
                                                            
                       KYLE
I dunno. I think it was something
like "Faction"...."Maction"....
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Please don't say "Action."
                                                            
                       KYLE
Oh I remember now, it was "Action
Hotdogs."
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Figures.
                                                            
SHAUN gets up and runs towards the bathroom. The bathroom
door slams shut and SHAUN begin to gag.
                                                            
                       KYLE
      (to himself)
Maybe the hotdogs are catching up
with him. He may have loved it but
personally I thought the mustard
tasted like a thing of paint I ate
in Kindergarten.
                                                            
KYLE continues eating. After a short period of time SHAUN
comes out of the bathroom. SHAUN goes back over to the table
and sits down.
                                                            
                       KYLE
What was that about?
                                                            

67.

                       SHAUN
      (sickly)
Oh nothing. You didn't take "US
Foreign Language and Culture 101"
at the MTC did you?
                                                            
                       KYLE
No, actually for some reason they
didn't have me take it.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Oh, would you like to know what
was in your hotdog?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Do I want to know?
                                                            
SHAUN leans forward and whispers something into KYLE's ear.
KYLE's face becomes glum and SHAUN stops whispering and
leans back.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Oh God.
                                                            
KYLE get's up from the table and runs towards the bathroom.
We hear the door slam again and hear KYLE starting to vomit.
                                                            
15 MINUTES LATER
                                                            
KYLE is still throwing up in the bathroom.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Now you may have noticed that Kyle
has been in the bathroom throwing
up twice as long as I did and for
that there is a perfect
explanation. I told him that his
hotdog

was made of people.
                                                            
EXT. APARTMENT 2887 - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE come out of the front door. KYLE pulls some
keys out of his pocket and locks the door. He shakes the
knob making sure that the door is locked. SHAUN and KYLE
make their way out to the sidewalk.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (walking)
Now when is Chris' appointment?
                                                            

68.

                       KYLE
Will you stop asking that? It's at
3:30pm.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
What time is it now?
                                                            
                       KYLE
I dunno, like 8 something.
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE proceed to go around the block. They then
cross the street into a different NEIGHBORHOOD.
                                                            
EXT.NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
And so begins another day.
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE approach a yellow house with black shutters.
                                                            
SHAUN scans the house up and down.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
They live in a bee.
                                                            
                       KYLE
That's one of those things you
should probably keep to yourself.
                                                            
KYLE and SHAUN step onto the porch. SHAUN knocks on the
door.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Remember Shaun, bee comments to
yourself.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Ok, ok.
                                                            
A mexican WOMAN answers the door.
                                                            
                       WOMAN
      (in Spanish)
Can I help you?
                                                            
                       SHAUN (VO)
Uh-oh.
                                                            
                       KYLE
      (whispering to
       SHAUN)
I'm going to assume you don't
speak Spanish.
                                                            

69.

                       SHAUN
      (whispering to
       KYLE)
That would be a fair assumption. I
have an idea.
                                                            
                       KYLE
      (whispering to
       SHAUN)
This won't end well.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (whispering to
       KYLE)
Probably not, but hear me out.
                                                            
SHAUN turns to the Mexican WOMAN.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Can you give us a second?
                                                            
Mexican WOMAN stares blankly at SHAUN.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Thanks.
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE take a step back off of the porch. The
Mexican WOMAN looks onward.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Now what is your great plan?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I am going to assume she doesn't
have the translator chip from
Farscape implanted in her.
However, we are going to take a
page from another great Sci-Fi
franchise.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Please don't say Star Wars, please
don't say Star Wars. I drew the
line when you showed me your
Photoshopped pics of you as a
Jedi.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Hey, those were awesome! And
haven't you heard? The geeks shall
inherit the Earth.
                                                            

70.

                       KYLE
And if the geeks don't inherit the
Earth, then what?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Then I am going to be majorly
pissed for giving my life to a
lost cause. Anyway, I am taking
hints from Star Wars. You know how
everyone could communicate with
Chewie without ever speaking
wookiee?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Yeah, so what?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Well for some reason everyone
could understand him and he could
understand them. So what I propose
is this; We speak to her in
English and hope she understands.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Whatever.
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE approach the WOMAN again.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (yelling)
Hello, we are from the Church of
Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints!
Can we have a moment of your
time?!
                                                            
                       KYLE
Shaun,
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (yelling)
We have a wonderful message for
you!
                                                            
                       WOMAN
      (in Spanish)
What are you saying?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (yelling)
Yes, yes, a wonderful message!
                                                            

71.

                       KYLE
      (yelling)
SHAUN!!!
                                                            
                       WOMAN
      (in Spanish)
Why are they both yelling?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (to KYLE)
What?
                                                            
                       KYLE
You can stop yelling at her. She's
Spanish, not deaf.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (to Kyle)
Good point.
      (to WOMAN)
Would you like to hear our
message?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Let me try to talk to her in
Spanish.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Go for it.
                                                            
                       KYLE
      (in Spanish)
Good afternoon ma'am. We would
like to share with you the message
that your house looks like a bee.
                                                            
                       WOMAN
      (in Spanish)
Well I never!
                                                            
The Mexican WOMAN slaps KYLE and slams the door.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Nice job. You just entered my
world. Welcome.
                                                            
KYLE rubs his face.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Thanks.
                                                            

72.

                       SHAUN
What are the chances that you
would say the exact thing we were
trying to avoid, and in Spanish no
less?
                                                            
LATER THAT DAY
                                                            
 
EXT. CHRIS' NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
                                                            
SHAUN and CHRIS walk down the street in the upper class
neighborhood that CHRIS lives in. They approach his house
which is the one that is painted white. There is a nice
metal fench covering the yard. SHAUN and KYLE are greeted as
they enter the yard by CHRIS' pet PUG. They step onto the
porch and knock.
                                                            
CHRIS answers the door and the two missionaries enter the
home.
                                                            
INT. CHRIS' HOUSE
                                                            
CHRIS' house is quite large. The living room walls are
littered with various FBI awards and medals. There is also
various pieces of art on the wall. There are stairs towards
the door that lead to the upstairs part of the home.
Straight ahead is the entrance to the kitchen and to the
left is the bathroom. SHAUN and KYLE sit on the leather sofa
as CHRIS sit's across from them on the matching leather
loveseat.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
So Chris, you excited about today?
                                                            
                       CHRIS
I suppose.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Well today we are just going to
give you a quick briefing, if you
will, of the church.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Well I am going to assume that you
know who Joseph Smith is. Despite
what you may have heard, we do not
worship, pray to, or sacrifice
furry animals to Joseph Smith. He
is simply our founder and the
first prophet of the church.
                                                            

73.

                       CHRIS
Wait, people said you sacrificed
small animals to him?!
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Well...uh...some people said that.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Way to go Shaun.
      (to CHRIS)
We don't sacrifice small animals
to anything or anyone.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Well that's good. I don't condone
animal sacrifice.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Good, because we don't either.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Anyway, Joseph Smith recieved a
vison from God and was then visted
by an angel. This angel told him
where to find the plates that
would later be translated into the
Book of Mormon.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Wait, I have a question.
                                                            
                       KYLE
By all means please ask. That is
why we are here.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Well these plates weren't in
English right?
                                                            
                       KYLE
That's correct. He actually had to
translate them from a form of old
Egyptian.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Well how did he translate them
then? I'm not saying Joseph Smith
wasn't educated, but how did he
learn to translate old Egyptian
into English?
                                                            

74.

                       SHAUN
Well he actually had the help of
two translator stones. They were
called the Urim and Thummin.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Wait, am I actually starting to
act and talk like a missionary?
                                                            
                       CHRIS
The Urim and Thummin? He used
'Monopoly' pieces to translate the
Book of Mormon?
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
I spoke to soon.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Excuse me?
                                                            
                       CHRIS
The Thummin is a Monopoly piece.
It's the piece that is based off
of a piece of sewing equiptment.
                                                            
                       KYLE
No, I think you have that confused
with a "thimble." A thimble is the
sewing piece that helps protect
you from pricking your finger.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Is that what that is called? I
never knew since I usually use the
little dog when I play the game.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Really? I have always been a fan
of the car myself.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
      (sarcastic)
That figures...
                                                            
                       KYLE
What's that supposed to mean?
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Nothing.
                                                            
                       KYLE
No seriously, what's that supposed
to mean?
                                                            

75.

                       CHRIS
It just means that, well, you look
like that kind of guy who would
use the car.
                                                            
                       KYLE
If by that you mean "only real men
use the car," then you would be
right.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
That's hardly what I meant. Only
little girls use the car.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I like the iron!
                                                            
                       KYLE
      (same time as
       CHRIS)
SHUT UP!
                                                            
                       CHRIS
      (same time as KYLE)
SHUT UP!
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Sheese, just showing some love to
the iron.
                                                            
                       KYLE
What is "girly" about the car
Chris?
                                                            
                       CHRIS
I dunno, maybe just...I dunno,
EVERYTHING!
                                                            
                       KYLE
Well who honestly thinks a
yorkshire terrier can own
property?
                                                            
TWO HOURS LATER
                                                            
KYLE has set up a dry erase board in the middle of the room.
On the board are the words "Pros and Cons of Monopoly
Pieces."
                                                            
                       KYLE
Ok, what are the pro's and con's
of the dog?
                                                            

76.

                       CHRIS
Well the pro's are obvious. The
dog can protect your property from
burglars and those with "get out
of jail free" cards.
                                                            
KYLE writes what CHRIS said on the board.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Yeah but the dog is not without
it's flaws. It might have trouble
convincing the bank to sell it
property because, you know, it is
a dog.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Shaun has a point.
                                                            
KYLE writes what SHAUN said on the board under the "Cons"
heading.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Well, and I highly doubt there are
any, but what are some Pro's of
the iron?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
It can iron your money and keep
them bills crisp.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Ok, that is stupid to begin with.
Plus I am taking point's off for
you saying "them bills."
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Well I think we know what the
con's of the iron are.
                                                            
                       KYLE
And those would be?
                                                            
                       CHRIS
IT'S A DAMN IRON!
                                                            
SHAUN leaps up from his seat and starts to head towards the
door.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
That's it, we're leaving. I don't
deserve this.
                                                            

77.

                       KYLE
Well despite Shaun's moronic
reasoning, we do need to be going.
This visit has been interesting to
say the least.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
I want you guys to come back. I
like you guys, you have
personality. I've been approached
by missionaries before but none of
them have been like you.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Thanks, I guess.
                                                            
                       KYLE
We'd be more than happy to come
back.
                                                            
 
INT. CHURCH - DAY
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Now we have been out about a year
and you have yet to see us in our
natural habitat of church. Well
here's your chance. Look's like a
good line up of people too. Should
be interesting.
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE enter the main chapel of the church. There
are three sections of seats with about five sets of pews
each. In the front is a podium and next to it is chairs
where the Bishop and his counselours sit. Behind the podium
is a section of seating reserved for the choir. To the right
of the podium is a section that is reserved for the Aaronic
Priesthood who bless the sacrament. In front of the
sacrament table six young members of the Aaronic Priesthood
sit. As KYLE and SHAUN look for a seat we see BRO. TIMMS as
KYLE and SHAUN pass the rows of pews. We also see BRO.
CARDUL seated up front as he is the Bishop of this ward.
KYLE and SHAUN finally sit down towards the front of the
middle row.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Let's skip forward a bit as this
part isn't the most fun.
                                                            
A SHORT TIME LATER
                                                            
BRO. CARDUL gets up and approaches the microphone on the
podium.
                                                            

78.

                       BRO. CARDUL
We'd like to offer a vote of
thanks to the Aaronic Priesthood
for their work preparing the
sacrament. You may now sit with
your families, if they let you.
                                                            
The congregation chuckles as the boys get up.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Hilarious...
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
We would now like to invite our
Youth Speakers to come up. Please
remember that we like to end the
meeting at about ten after. Thank
you.
                                                            
BRO. CARDUL sits down.
                                                            
A young man appraoches the microphone.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Man, I love Youth Speakers.
                                                            
                       KYLE
So do I. They offer such a breathe
of fresh air to the church.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Ok, let's be quiet so we can
listen.
                                                            
ONE HOUR LATER
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE are both asleep in their seats. The women of
the church begin filing out. The men move forward to the
front of the chapel and fill in the first few rows. BRO.
TIMM's notices SHAUN and KYLE sleeping and approaches them.
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
Guys, wake up! What kind example
are you guys setting?
                                                            
SHAUN turns over and wakes up halfway.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
It put's the lotion on the counter
and pays for it using a small
Indian man...
                                                            

79.

                       BRO. TIMMS
What? That didn't make any sense.
                                                            
KYLE wakes up, stretches, and yawns.
                                                            
                       KYLE
By the look on your face, I'm
going to assume Shaun said the
lotion thing?
                                                            
                       BRO. TIMMS
Yeah, how'd you know?
                                                            
                       KYLE
He just kinda say's that when you
try to wake him up. Creeped me out
the first time too.
                                                            
SHAUN wakes up and notices the strange look still on BRO.
TIMMS face.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I said the lotion thing, didn't I?
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE get up and move forward to the first few rows
of pews and sit down.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Mmmm, you feel that? That's
Priesthood Meeting goodness you
are feeling. This is when the men
get together and discuss the
buisness of the priesthood
quorums. We then do manly things
like eat red meat, go fishing, or
build things out of wood.
                                                            
BRO. CARDUL stands at the podium.
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
Welcome brethren to Priesthood
meeting. Our first order of
buisness concerns our resident
missionaries of Elder Grimsky and
Elder Arnot. We recieved a
shipment of Book of Mormons but
there was a issue with the
shipment. But don't worry, we got
our Book of Mormons though.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
What's the catch?
                                                            

80.

                       BRO. CARDUL
Well, they seem to have shipped us
the large print, hard cover
edition of the Book of Mormon.
                                                            
BRO. CARDUL points to two men sitting nearest to the front.
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL (con't)
Will you two brethren go to my
office and get the large box?
                                                            
The two men agree and exit to retrieve the books.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Wait, did you say large print hard
cover edition?
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
Why am I so concerned you ask?
                                                            
INT. ARENA - DAY
                                                            
A weightlifting competitor stands waiting to lift an award
winning amount of weight. The weight he must lift consists
of four large print hard cover Book of Mormons.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
You see that guy there? He can
probably lift anything in the
world. I bet he could even lift an
Xbox, but today I think he has met
his match.
                                                            
The weightlifter gets ready, takes a step forward, bends
over, and lifts the weight in front of him. He gets it about
a foot high and see and hear his back snap. He falls to the
floor in agony.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
He'll be lucky if he can still
blink after that one. Anyway this
version of the Book of Mormon is
what we like to call a "spiritual
cinder block."
                                                            
INT. CHURCH - DAY
                                                            
The two men re-enter carrying a large box. They are
straining and using every bit of strength they have to carry
this box. They set it down in front of the podium.
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
Thank you gentlemen.
                                                            

81.

                       SHAUN
      (nervous)
How many?
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
How many what?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
How many Book of Mormons are
there?
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
I think there are ten.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Don't worry sir, we'll take them
and get them out there.
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
Thank you, Elder Arnot.
                                                            
A smirk slowly crawls across SHAUN's face.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (V.O.)
This might be so bad after all.
Ten "cinder blocks of faith." I'm
sure we can come up with
something.
                                                            
 
INT. APARTMENT 2887 - DAY
                                                            
KYLE emerges from his room still tired. He goes over and
knocks on SHAUN'S door.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Shaun, get up, we gotta get going.
We have ten of those things to
place today.
                                                            
                       SHAUN (O.S.)
I'm up. Don't worry about those
things, I have an idea.
                                                            
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
                                                            
A row of ten cars are parked sideways on the street. Eight
of them have broken windshield wipers and a Book of Mormon
on them. SHAUN has one of the large Book of Mormons and is
about to place it on a car as KYLE walks over.
                                                            

82.

                       KYLE
I can't believe you talked me into
this.
                                                            
SHAUN places the Book of Mormon under the windshield wiper.
The windshield wiper breaks off with a snap.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Crap, that's like the sixth one to
break off.
                                                            
                       KYLE
I told you this was a bad idea.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
It may be a bad idea but we only
have one left.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Why didn't we just put them in the
mailbox?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Because that would be a federal
offense.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Just place the last one so we can
get out of here.
                                                            
SHAUN walks over to a brand new sports car.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Somebody who has this nice of a
car deserves the gospel.
                                                            
SHAUN places the Book of Mormon on the windshield gently. It
sits there nice and calm before abruptly busting through the
windshield. A man can be seen looking out the window with a
look of horror on his face.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I think we should leave now.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Good idea.
                                                            
INT. APARTMENT 2887 - NIGHT
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE are lounging around the living room. The
curtains are pulled back and moonlight pours into the room.
                                                            

83.

                       SHAUN
Hey Kyle, why don't you have a
girl waiting for you at home? You
seem like a nice enough guy and
you do put up with me.
                                                            
                       KYLE
I think I might be too nice or
something.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Too nice? I said you were nice, by
no means are you too nice.
                                                            
                       KYLE
I dunno. Maybe I come on too
strong or something.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Example?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Well I had met this girl at a
church activity and we clicked.
Problem was she was from a
different ward so we mainly only
talked online. Well we finally did
go out and the night started off
pretty good. Then I made a
mistake.
                                                            
INT. RESTAURANT - THREE YEARS EARLIER - NIGHT
                                                            
KYLE is sitting a the dinner table inside of a nice
restaurant with CARLA. CARLA is a thin brunnette with a cute
face. She is 17 in this flashback.
                                                            
CARLA and KYLE are eating dinner and having a generally good
time.
                                                            
                       KYLE
So I thought you might like a
picture of me because you
mentioned one night while we were
talking that your friends are
always asking what I look like.
                                                            
                       CARLA
Oh thanks Kyle. That makes me feel
good that you would remember
something like that.
                                                            

84.

                       KYLE
You know, if you really like that
picture, you could use it as your
buddy icon.
                                                            
CARLA drops her fork onto her plate and stops eating.
                                                            
                       CARLA
What did you say?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Nothing, I just said you could use
it as your buddy icon if you
wanted.
                                                            
KYLE lets out a slight chuckle as he finishes his sentence.
                                                            
                       CARLA
Why would you say that?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Say what?
                                                            
                       CARLA
The thing about the buddy icon.
                                                            
                       KYLE
It was a joke.
                                                            
                       CARLA
I don't think it was. Are you that
into yourself?
                                                            
                       KYLE
I'm not into myself.
                                                            
                       CARLA
Or maybe you think I am your
property and you want me to show
off my owner. Well buddy, that's
just moving a little too fast for
me. Sheese, putting your picture
as my icon? I don't do that until
I get a ring! What kind of girl do
I look like? This date, and
realationship, is over!
                                                            
CARLA stands up and slams her napkin down on the table
before walking off.
                                                            
 

85.

INT. APARTMENT 2887 - DAY
                                                            
                       KYLE
I stand a firm believer in nice
guys finish last.
                                                            
SHAUN begins to get up.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Well if nice guys are finishing
last, maybe you are running in the
wrong race.
                                                            
SHAUN pats KYLE on the back as he walks towards the kitchen.
He grabs a bag of chips and starts eating them.
                                                            
KYLE turns towards SHAUN.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Wow Shaun, that was actually a
really cool thing to say. Thanks
man.
                                                            
SHAUN grabs a handful of chips and puts them in his mouth.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Well, when you throw as much crap
at a wall as me, something is
bound to stick.
                                                            
SHAUN looks over at the window and notices the curtains are
open.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Hey Kyle, why are the curtains
open?
                                                            
                       KYLE
I dunno.
                                                            
SHAUN puts the bag of chips down and walks over to the
window.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Kyle,
                                                            
                       KYLE
Yeah?
                                                            

86.

                       SHAUN (con't)
you might want to duck as there is
a guy standing across the way with
a pissed off look on his face and
something in his hand.
                                                            
The MAN standing across the way raises his arm and aims it
at SHAUN.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Get down!
                                                            
SHAUN and KYLE hit the ground as a hail of bullets fly
through the window. Glass shatters as each round passes
through. The bullet's aren't sticking in the wall though.
They are just denting the wall and bouncing off.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
What is he shooting at us!? They
aren't bullets!
                                                            
KYLE crawls over to the wall that the bullets have collected
under. He picks one up and examine's it.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
What is it?
                                                            
                       KYLE
I dunno. Wait, is this what I
think it is?
                                                            
KYLE pops the small round object into his mouth. He bites
down and promptly spits it back out.
                                                            
                       KYLE (con't)
Ow, this guy is firing frozen Milk
Dud's out of a paintball gun at
us.
                                                            
The firing stops.
                                                            
                       MAN (O.S.)
You guys want to explain something
to me!? What do I want you to
explain you are wondering? How
about what happened to my car!? I
got like four boxes of these
things frozen out here! I'm in no
hurry!
                                                            
The MAN reloads and begins firing again.
                                                            

87.

                       SHAUN
What are we going to do!?
                                                            
                       KYLE
I dunno. Let's wave a white flag
or something.
                                                            
KYLE crawls over to a pile of Joseph Smith pamphlets that
have been knocked over. He grabs one, unfolds it ,and heads
to the window.
                                                            
KYLE begins waving the pamphlete wildly.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Stop, stop, stop!
                                                            
The fire stops again.
                                                            
                       MAN
What are you waving at me?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Uhh, it's a Joseph Smith pamphlet.
                                                            
                       MAN
Don't try to force your religion
on me!
                                                            
KYLE dives behind the couch as the MAN begins firing wildly
again.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Well, so much for that plan. I
think we are going to have to
fight frozen with frozen on this
one.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I got ya Kyle. I'm on it.
                                                            
SHAUN crawls over to the refrigerator and opens up the
freezer. He grabs a tub of ice cream.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I knew this would come in handy
eventually. This tub of ice cream
has been in the fridge since the
beginning of our mission.
                                                            

88.

SHAUN crawls back over to the window as the man stops firing
and empties another box of Milk Dud's into his paintball
gun. SHAUN stands up and hurls the ice cream as hard as he
can at the MAN. It connects with his chest and the MAN falls
down.
                                                            
KYLE stands up slowly.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Nice shot Shaun. I'll go call the
police now.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Good idea.
                                                            
15 MINUTES LATER
                                                            
The flashing lights of police cars are pouring through the
windows. A POLICE OFFICER is seen putting handcuffs on the
MAN who attacked the apartment. BRO. CARDUL's car pulls into
the lot as SHAUN and KYLE are being questioned in the
apartment by POLICE OFFICER 2.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER 2
Now tell me exactly what happened.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
We were inside just hanging out. I
noticed the curtains were open,
and when I went to close them,
this guy opened fire on us.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER 2
Why is this man saying you broke
his car windshield with a quote
                                                            
POLICE OFFCIER 2 thumbs through his notepad
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER 2
"large brick like book?"
                                                            
BRO. CARDUL steps out of the car and approaches the men.
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
Yes Elder Grimsky, why is he
saying that?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
He is obviously insane. I mean
come on, who fires candy at a
house?
                                                            

89.

                       KYLE
Shaun is right. He is clearly
insane.
                                                            
The POLICE OFFICER walks over to the men.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Let's roll partner, that guy is
clearly insane.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Told you.
                                                            
                       BRO. CARDUL
That may be, but I am watching you
two from now on. I'll have the
church replace the window. For
tonight though, just board it up
and we'll deal with getting it
fixed in the morning.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Alright sir. Thanks for coming
out.
                                                            
BRO. CARDUL walks over to his car, get's in, slowly starts
the engine and drives off. The POLICE OFFICER is excorting
the MAN into the car. He forgets to duck his head and bumps
his head into the top of the car.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Sorry, I'm kinda new.
                                                            
POLICE OFFICER puts the MAN in correctly, closes the door,
and gets in the front seat.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER 2
You two stay out of trouble now.
We'll make sure this guy gets
whats coming. Sick guy. Today it's
Milk Duds, tomorrow it could be
Skittles, or God forbid, coffee.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
What? How is he going to fire
coffee out of a paintball gun?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER 2
I don't know. Well regardless, our
job is done here.
                                                            
POLICE OFFICER 2 gets in the passenger side of the squad
car. The engine starts and they drive off into the night.
                                                            

90.

                       KYLE
What was that about?
                                                            
SHAUN walks over and sits back down on the couch.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
What was what about?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Was it me or did you seem really
weird around those cops?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Oh that?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Yes that.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Oh that's simple; I just don't
like cops.
                                                            
                       KYLE
You don't like cops?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Well I don't hate them or
anything. Just haven't been fond
of them since about two years ago.
                                                            
                       KYLE
What happened two years ago?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
You best sit down for this one.
                                                            
KYLE sits down.
                                                            
                       KYLE
I'm not fond of things that start
out like this.
                                                            
INT. CAR - TWO YEARS EALIER - NIGHT
                                                            
SHAUN is driving down the highway. He looks down and see's
he is going about 65 MPH. As he looks up he sees the yellow
light turning red, unable to stop, he goes through the now
red light. Sirens suddenly blair from behind SHAUN's car. He
looks back to see a POLICE OFFICER waving him to pull over.
SHAUN obey's and pulls over.
                                                            

91.

                       SHAUN (V.O.)
      (to KYLE)
It was literally about a week
before I left to come out here on
my mission. At the church they
were throwing me a going away
party and I was running late. I
went through a freshly changed red
light and got pulled over.
                                                            
The POLICE OFFICER pulls over behind SHAUN. He steps out of
his car and begins walking towards SHAUN. He taps on SHAUN
window with his flashlight.
                                                            
SHAUN begins to roll down his window.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Is there a problem officer?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
You damn right there's a problem,
boy. You just went through that
there red light.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I know but that light seriously
just changed.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
      (sarcastic)
Oh, it seriously just changed. As
opposed to what? It jokingly just
changed?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
What? That didn't make any sense.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
You sassin' me, boy? I'll take you
in right now if you decide to sass
me.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (nervous)
No sir. There is no sass coming
from me.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Good. License and registration
please.
                                                            
SHAUN reaches over to the glove box and pulls out the
requested papers. He hands the papers to the OFFICER.
                                                            

92.

                       SHAUN
Here you go.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Thank you. I'm gonna go run these
in my car. Don't you go no where
now.
                                                            
The OFFICER proceeds back to his car and runs the papers.
After a short period of time he comes back to SHAUN's car.
                                                            
The OFFICER hands the papers back to SHAUN.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Fine, your papers check out.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Thank you.
                                                            
The OFFICER sniffs the night air.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
You been drinking boy?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
What? No, I haven't been drinking.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Oh I get it, not into the drinking
are ya? What am I smelling then?
Am I smelling weed, boy?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (confused)
No, no you are not smelling weed.
It could be the cologne I put on
earlier.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Oh, cologne. I wasn't aware
cologne came in a weed flavor
though.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
It doesn't come in that. And what
in God's name is a cologne flavor?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
I told you not to sass me, boy.
Step out of the car please.
                                                            

93.

SHAUN steps out of the car. The POLICE OFFICER walks over to
his car and grabs a breathalizer test out of the front seat
before walking back over to SHAUN.
                                                            
The OFFICER hands SHAUN the device.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Breathe into this.
                                                            
SHAUN breathes into the device. The device beeps. Upon
hearing this the OFFICER thinks it registered something. He
points and smirks mockingly at SHAUN. Realizing it didn't
register anything, SHAUN does the same back to the OFFICER.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Fine, step back into your car
please.
                                                            
SHAUN steps back into this car.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
You can go, but let me ask you
this first; How old are you?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
19, why?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Just wondering. Turns out you're a
little bit younger than my oldest
daughter.
                                                            
SHAUN smirks.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (smooth)
Really? How old's your daughter?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
In my entire 17 year career on the
force, I have never had to shoot
anyone. Do you want to risk being
my first for this information?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
      (smooth)
Well that depends.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Depends on what?
                                                            

94.

                       SHAUN
      (smooth)
It depend on how hot she is.
                                                            
POLICE OFFICER unclips gun holster.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
We wouldn't of worked out anyway.
Have a nice day.
                                                            
SHAUN speeds off down the highway.
                                                            
 
INT. APARTMENT 2887 - PRESENT - DAY
                                                            
                       KYLE
Shaun, I honestly fear for your
life when we go our seperate ways.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I often fear for my life when I
think of going out on my own.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Well we only have to put up with
each other for about another 4
months, then it's good bye New
Jersey, hello home.
Speaking of which, what are you
going to do when you leave?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
You mean like what am I going to
do after this?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Yeah, I mean like what are you
going to do with your life?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I actually plan on moving to Salt
Lake City. Gonna start a buisness.
                                                            
                       KYLE
That's ambitious of you. You don't
strike me as the "self employed
buisness owner" type. What kind of
buisness do you want to start in
Salt Lake City?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
A coffee franchise.
                                                            

95.

KYLE bangs his head against the arm of the couch. He then
rests it on the arm.
                                                            
                       KYLE
      (muffled)
Shaun, do you ever take anything
seriously?
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Not really, but as of late I seem
to be taking things more
seriously. I think I am, what do
they call it? Oh yeah, "growing as
a person." Anyway, since my plans
aren't up to your standards, what
do you plan on doing that is so
great?
                                                            
KYLE lifts his head up off of the arm of the couch.
                                                            
                       KYLE
I'm not going to tell you.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Why not?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Because you just make fun of
everything. You won't take it
seriously.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Try me.
                                                            
                       KYLE
I want to break into the breath
mint industry.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
The...breath mint industry?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Yeah, but see I would put my
special spin on it.
                                                            
SHAUN sits up anxiously.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
What would be your spin?
                                                            
                       KYLE
I would specifically target people
of the church.
                                                            

96.

                       SHAUN
And that would help how?
                                                            
                       KYLE
Because of what they would be
called.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
What are you going to call these
church goer mints?
                                                            
KYLE looks side to side as to see if anyone is spying.
                                                            
                       KYLE
....."Mor-mints."
                                                            
                       SHAUN
'Mor-mints?' As in "mints for
Mormons."
                                                            
                       KYLE
Yeah. I am telling you, they could
be the next "Choose the Right"
ring.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
Whoa Kyle, let's not get too
crazy.
                                                            
SHAUN stands up, stretches, and yawns.
                                                            
                       SHAUN
I'm going to bed. Between the
drive-by, cop stories and your
just flat out crazy talk, I've had
enough excitement for the day.
                                                            
                       KYLE
Crazy talk?