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Cashier Comedy (a work in progress)
by Heather Acord (heathyr1159@aol.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***1/2
A comedy about a young woman having a quarter-life crisis. Or something like that.... Currently a work in progress.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.

BURLINSON'S is your average neighborhood grocery
store...seeming as though it is frozen in a permanent state
of 1973 with a lime green color for the primer paint and
deeply degraded floor tiles with a speckled design. A
classic-looking, perfectly coifed OLD LADY carrying a gold
lamel purse enters the crickety automatic doors.

CLOSE ON HER HAND as she grabs a shopping cart. She places
the guady purse into the child-seat and smiles at the bored
cashier (RHIANNON). The clerk is in her mid-twenties and she
casually leafs through the latest tabloid magazine. She
fingers her dark-red dyed hair as a Kenny G like version of
"BASKETCASE" by Green Day plays over the PA system. The
nametag pinned to her maroon polo shirt reads "#1 Cashier."
They are the only two in the store. The SQUEAK of the cart
is extremely loud.
                       OLD LADY
      (to cashier)
Well, hello there, dearie!
      (looks up from
Well....hey Mrs. Smith.
      (brow furrows)
Where's the hubby today?
                       OLD LADY
Oh, he's at home hammering away at
something or other. I'm just here
to pick up a few things.
OK....well, I'll be up here when
you're ready.
Rhiannon returns her attention to her magazine as the old
lady pushes her cart around the store. She stops in the
dairy aisle to pick up a dozen eggs and a half gallon of 2%
milk. She cirlces around the store and debates over loaves
of bread. She then stops in the Health and Beauty aisle to
pick up some magnum condoms before making her way to the


      (looks at
Mrs. Smith! Are we getting some
      (raises eyebrows)
                       OLD LADY
Well, you never know, now do you?
RHIANNON rings up the purchases and the total of $52.69
appears on the REGISTER MONITOR.
$52.69 is your total.
Cut to close on OLD LADY'S FACE as the color drains from it
and she becomes very white.
                       OLD LADY
There's NO WAY in hell that could
be right!
      (becomes enraged)
There must be SOME mistake...
      (slightly annoyed)
No....that's correct. There's
nothing wrong with the register, I
can assure you.

Would you like me to print you
itemized list?
                       OLD LADY
      (really ticked off
No, I don't want a fuckin'
itemized list, you condescending
little shit!
      (starts pounding
       fist on the
       register belt,
       emphasizing each
I KNOW how much I spend....I
ALWAYS spend the same amount
EVERYTIME. I'm right,
damnit....the CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS


Close on RHIANNON'S SHOCKED FACE as she reacts to the OLD
LADY'S tirade. She gathers her composure and flashes the old
lady with her best fake, yet slightly crazed smile.
Of course....how could I be so
stupid to think that you could be
wrong? Afterall....the customer is
NEVER wrong. Although that ugly
gold lamel jacket you are wearing
is wrong on MANY levels...make no
mention of your gaudy jewelry from
the Carter administration OR your
blue hair....
                       OLD LADY
      (clutches her
Well, I never! I have never been
treated poorly at this store
before! I've been shopping here
since Burlison's first opened in
1967, and let me tell you, young
people knew to treat their elders
with respect!
RHIANNON rolls her eyes and blows a strand of maroon hair
out of her eyes.
                       OLD LADY
Nowadays, you kids are all alike!
Rude, spoiled-assed-rotten,
tattooed, satan-worshiping
heathens bent on making lives a
living hell for everyone else!
The OLD LADY starts to breathe heavily as though she is
about to have a heart attack. Rhiannon lets out a sigh and
folds her arms across her chest.
      (very annoyed)
Look, are you going to pay me or
just stand there sucking air?
Because it's about time for me to
go to break.
As the anger boils in side her, the OLD LADY turns DEEPLY


                       OLD LADY
      (through clenched
Look, you little bitch...I've had
just about enough of you. I DEMAND
RHIANNON smiles and reaches for the TELEPHONE RECIEVER.
      (fake pleasantly)
Oh, that's no problem, Mrs.
Smith...just a sec.
      (over the PA
I need a manager to the front
please! Manager to the front!
She smiles at the Old Lady, who is still seething with
anger. Rhiannon looks around as though expecting to see
someone come from around the corner, then suddenly
disappears underneath the register, leaving the Old Lady
dumbfounded. She emerges some seconds later with a
Louisville Slugger baseball bat in had.
      (slapping bat
       against hand)
Mrs. Smith...this is the manager.
      (holds bat up to
I'm sorry, what was that? Oh, he
says that we've changed our policy
here at Burlison's.....now the
customer is ALWAYS WRONG!
Rhiannon leaps across the register and attacks the rabid Old
Lady with the bat. The struggle is out of our view, but the
obscenites yelled by the clerk and the blood-curdling
screams of the Old Lady are heard. Gradually, these sounds
are replaced by the sounds of an alarm clock and the screen
fades to BLACK.
Close on an ALARM CLOCK blaring and flashing 8 AM. Close on
Rhiannon's WALL which is covered with pictures of her
friends, art work and various magazine clippings of
celebrities (including Jude Law's head pasted to a naked
body on a bearskin rug). Close on the BED, where all that
can be made out is a pile of blankets. Slowly, a HAND


reaches out from under the covers and fumbles toward the
alarm clock on the nightstand. The hand turns into a fist
and punches the clock. The alarm ceases and SNORING begins.
The struggle between the clerk and the old lady is still out
of our view, but the Old Lady's SCREAMS and the clerk's
CUSSING can still be heard. Blood splatters onto the
register screen and the screams STOP. Rhiannon stands up,
blood on her face and blows a strand of hair out of her
face. She smooths the wrinkles out of her uniform and
straightens out her nametag. Swinging the blood-covered
baseball bat up to her shoulder, she walks around back to
her post, all the while humming along to the music playing
on the PA system. She tucks the bat back underneath the
register and then picks up her magazine, careful to flick
off the brain matter from the pages.
      (mumbling to
Whoa....Affleck wears a toupee?
Hmph. I always knew it...
      (continues to flip
       through the pages)
The screen again fades to BLACK with the TITLE. After the
credits, the BUZZING of the alarm clock starts again.
Close on the ALARM CLOCK which is now flashing 8:05 AM.
Rhiannon flips the blanket from over her head and glares
toward the clock's direction.
      (smacks alarm
Just...five more...


She rolls over on her side, and throws the blanket back over
her head. A few seconds later, the sound of AC/DC's "Back in
Black" can be heard. Rhiannon rolls over, aggravated, and
reaches down into her purse by the bed, pulling out her cell
phone. As she flips it over to answer, the screen SPLITS to
reveal JACKIE calling from her job at PUSS N' BOOTS, the
local adult bookstore. Behind her, a large sign reads "$1.00
Browsing Fee."
Good morning, my little cabbage!
Rise and shine!
While she is talking on the phone, Jackie tests out
vibrators, each making a buzz as she turns them on.
It's too damn early to be alive.
Jackie beats a stubborn vibrator on the counter and as it a
springs to life, a smile creeps to her face.
Well, for your information, I've
been peddling porn for nearly an
hour now, so you need to get your
ass out of bed.
      (throws blanket
       over her head)
But I don't wanna...
Jackie is holding a particularly large vibrator at the
moment and is shaking it in order to get her point across.
      (somewhat annoyed)
Fine. Stay in bed all day. Don't
go to your MANDATORY meeting you
have at 9 o'clock...
Rhiannon sits straight up in her bed at the sound of the
words "mandatory meeting." The look on her face leads us to
believe that she had forgotten all about it.


...get FIRED from your job, get
your cell phone turned off because
you CAN'T PAY for it and leaving
me to make up your half of the
rent because you're a FUCKIN LAZY
Jackie SLAMS the vibrator onto the counter and the batteries
go flying out, hitting an overtly curious customer.
                       PORN GUY
HEY! Watch where you're pointing
that thing!
Shit...I made the Vibemaster 5000
ejaculate it's batteries...
      (to the PORN GUY)
Sorry about that....guess it just
got excited.
      (oblivious to
I completely forgot about that
damn meeting. I still have to take
a shower...get dressed...drive
over there...
All the more reason to get
Allright....allright...I'm going.
Hey...are we still on for tonight?
Oh yeah....after eight more hours
of the way this day is going? I'm
gonna need some liquor.
Great....I'll see you tonight


Later, dude.
      (hangs up)
Rhiannon flips her cell phone SHUT and the screen goes back
to full on Rhiannon's room. She stands up out of bed and
stretches. She's wearing nondescript sleeppants and a cotton
camisole. Her curly dark-red hair is in disarray. The camera
follows her as she stumbles toward the doorway and turns a
corner. A light is switched on in another room. We hear the
sounds of water going into a glass. Leaving the light on in
the BATHROOM, Ree walks back into her room and sets down the
glass on a small TV. She picks up a prescription bottle and
pops one pill into her hand puts it into her mouth. She
immediately downs the entire glass of water in one
continuous gulp. The sound of a RUNNING SHOWER is heard
shortly after.
CLOSE on the doorknob of a maroon door as it turns to open.
Ree comes out, seen only from the waist to her shoulders.
She's wearing a black overcoat with a green and blue striped
scarf. She pats her pockets and leans back in to grab her
keys, sticking them in her left pocket.

As the SHOT WIDENS, we see that the apartment is part of a
horse shoe arrangement of a bigger complex. There are
buildings on each side with a parking lot in the middle.

Ree makes her way to her 1994 BLUE-GREEN FORD TEMPO. CLOSE
on the driver side door lock as she inserts the key,
jiggling it in a meticulous manner. A CLOSE ON HER FACE
reveals her grimacing as though she is attempting to make
the door open through pure telekinesis, but failing
miserably. Finally, the stubborn door gives and she climbs
POV from the passenger side as the automatic seatbelt makes
it way up around Ree's shoulder. She starts the car and
flips down her visor, revealing an assortment of CDs. She
purses her lips and taps them with her finger, contemplating
what sound will best accompany her drive to work. She makes
a selection and pops it into her Discman. The beginning
beats of JAY-Z'S "DIRT OFF YOUR SHOULDER" come through the
stereo system as she backs out of her parking space.


As she gets onto the exit to the expressway, the CD starts
to skip ("GetGetGetGetGetThaThaThaThaTha").
She smacks the CD player sharply, resulting in more skipping
("Dirt of yo, Dirt off yo, Dirt of yo, Dirt of yo").
      (driving to drive
       and mess with the
       CD player at the
       same time)
Goddamn....piece of crap...
Ree swearves into traffic, garnering honks from her fellow
drivers. She waves a sorry and throws the CD player into the
passenger seat.
POV from the passenger side window shows the sights of a
midsize, southwestern Indiana town...the local college
basketball colesium with a sign flashing the that Fleetwood
Mac is coming to town in about six weeks. A CUT to Ree's
expression shows that she is not the biggest fan of "The
CLOSE on the Burlinson's sign, a giant monstrosity
reminiscent of something you might find on a Vegas strip and
obviously out of place on this midwestern city street. With
busted bulbs and pigeons nesting in the letters, teh sign
clearly has not recieved any maintinance since the Regan

The shot moves down to show the store is located in a most
difficult to reach location--at the corner of a busy
intersection. There is only limited parking space in the
front of the store.

Ree manuvers her Tempo into a parking space, resulting in
annoyed honks from a fellow driver. As she gets out, she
lets the disguntleed honker know how she feels by flipping
him the bird.
Fuck you!


She walks up to the entrance and raps on the glass door. A
few seconds later, a MANAGER appears to let her inside as
the store is not open for business yet.
CLOSE on a door that reads "EMPLOYEES ONLY." Ree's hand
appears and pushes the door open. We see only see her back
as she enters and the door swings shut.
Ree walks down a dimly lit hallway. With walls consisting of
gritty -looking cinder blocks, it feels more like we are
descending into the basement of a horror film. To her right
is a BILLBOARD that the camera STOPS ON as Ree walks on by.
CLOSE ON a diagram that explains the proper way to
efficiently bag groceries.

CLOSE ON a glass framed picture entitled "EMPLOYEE OF THE
MONTH." Pictures of the previous recipients are arranged in
smaller circles around a larger circle for the recent
honoree. Rhiannon smiles a forced smile, her hair a lighter
shade of brown. She obviously rules the roost in this neck
of the woods.
From Ree's POV, a shadowy figure can be seen approaching. As
he enters the light, we see that he is a wiry-looking man
(KEVIN) in his mid-forties with thining blonde hair and
glasses. A broad smile comes across his face and he stops
Ree in her tracks to greet her.
      (in a singsong
Oh, Reeeeeee!
Kevin holds his fist up to his mouth as if he were holding a
microphone. He gyrates his hips in his best Elvis


                       KEVIN (cont'd)
Ree's going to the meeting!
Oh! Oh!
Ree's going to the meeting!
Oh! Oh!
Ree's going to the meeting in the
break rooooooom!
Ree, obviously used to this strange greeting, stops to chat
with her boss.
Morning, Kevin.
      (looks at watch)
You're still a little early, but
you can go on back...make a pot of
Joe, whatever. I've gotta make a
couple of calls...Let everyone
know we'll start in about 15
minutes, ok?
The lounge is better lit than the hallway, but still every
bit as grimy. The walls are yellowed from years of cigarette
smoke and the coffee maker is of the 1972 model. A table
that has seen better days is situated in the center of the
room with ten chairs placed around it.
Ree is one of the first to arrive and makes a beeline to the
coffee maker to conjure up a pot.

After pouring herself a cup (hefty on the cream and sugar)
she takes takes off her coat, leaving her scarf on, and
takes a seat near the head of the table. She covers her
mouth as she yawns deeply.

Her fellow employees slowly stumble in. All exude the
impression that it is in fact too early to be alive.

JANICE, a tired looking middle aged woman, sits down beside
Ree and lights a cigarette.


      (sighs deeply)
So! This is the big one, eh?
Whaddya mean?
Janice looks around, leans in close and lowers her voice as
if though worrying that some greater power might hear their
Well....the word from the little
bird on the grapevine is that now
that Old Man Burlison is six feet
under, his kids aren't interested
in keeping us open...
      (processing what
       she just heard)
You mean...
      (cigarette hanging
       from her mouth)
Mmmhmmm....it's all down hill from
She takes the cigarette from her mouth and drags her fingers
across the throat, signaling that the worst is yet to come.
Janice smiles to herself. Janice is obviously just talking
crazy again.
I don't know, Jan. I mean, if we
were going to get closed down,
Kevin would know.
Jan throws Ree a skeptical look, but Ree stays optimistic.
                       RHIANNON (cont'd)
And if Kevin knew, he'd be like he
gets when he's stressed out.....A
stuttering, flustering mess.
At that moment, Kevin bursts into the room, looking
flustered and worried. Everyone turns to look at him,. He
gives them a half-hearted smile.


Morning, all.
A CLOSE on Ree. She looks a bit scared. Janice raises her
eyebrows and blows smoke out the side of her mouth as if to
say "I told you so!"
Kevin pours himself a cup of coffee, splattering a good
amount onto the floor. As he goes to to take a drink, he has
trouble bringing the cup to his lips as he is visibly
      (kind of high
Is this everybody?
Ree and her fellow employees nod, with a look of fear in
their eyes.
Allright, let's get started then.
He pushes the brim of his glasses up his nose and runs his
fingers through his thinning blonde hair.
Hands clenched on her steering wheel, Ree has a look of
anger and betrayal on her face. She turns on the radio, but
there is a commercial on.
      (muttering to
Has to be something on the
She pushes a button, only to hear Nelly and Tim McGraw. She
pushes another button, and it's the same song, except at a
different point. She presses a third button, only to get the
same result.
      (blood curdling
In a sweeping motion, she punches the radio off, pulls over


to the side of the road and parks. As the traffic sweeps by,
she bangs her head against the steering wheel repeatedly.
She stops and looks up, hair in disarray.
She reaches down into her pocket, pulling out her cell
phone. She flips it open, CLOSE on PHONE'S SCREEN as she
flips through her phone book. She makes her selection and
puts the phone up to her ear.
Hey, it's me.
Yeah, the meeting went great...

Well, it started out with Kevin
EXTREME CLOSE on KEVIN'S MOUTH as he forms his words. The
sound is slowed down creating great emphasis.
Burlison's is closing.
The camera ZOOMS OUT from Kevin's mouth as he continues to
speak, through the smoke of Janice's cigarette to reveal the
feeling of dread that is coming over the room. A younger BAG
BOY fiddgets in his seat. An older PRODUCE MANAGER fingers
what hair remains on his head. JANICE takes a hit from her
cigarette more frequently.
Ree looks down the table towards the her three fellow female
cashiers, all of whom are still in high school. From her
POV, they seem totally uninterested in the meeting--CASHIER
#1 checks for split ends, CASHIER #2 isn't even trying to
hide the fact that she's texting on her cell phone while
CASHIER #3 is sleeping where she sits. She flashes them a
look of disgust.
                       KEVIN (cont'd)
I just got the call from the
Burlison family a few moments ago.
They're terminating their lease.
Said we haven't been doing enough
      (clears his throat)
We'll be closing on the the
fifteenth. Now, what wil have to


                       KEVIN (cont'd)
be done in the days leading up to
Kevin's voice gradually FADES OUT as the camera FOCUSES on
Ree who is slowly sinking down in her seat and looks as
though she is contemplating hanging herself with her scarf.
With one hand covering her face, Ree continues her cell
phone conversation.
Yeah...yeah, I know. Uh huh.
Well, I'm gonna go pick up some
applications. I'll let you go.
See you at home.
She snaps her phone shut and places it back in her coat.
After a deep sigh, she starts the car and drives back into
So what are you getting?
      (picking a DVD off
       the shelf)
How about this?
CLOSE UP on the box. It's "The Pianist."
Yeah, Sure. Allright. We can get
that. And after we watch it, we
can blow our brains out with a
sawed off shot gun.
She grabs the box from Ree's hand and puts it back on the
C'mon. Are you not already
depressed enough? Let's leave the
drama behind, shall we?


She walks to the back wall, looking at the new releases.
Suddenly, a guy jumps down from the celiling, landing right
next to her. She gaspps in shock and watches in confusion as
he brushes himself off, shurgs his shoulders at her and runs
I'm gonna kick that guy's...
      (trails off)
She turns and looks at Ree who is three rows back and looks
just as confused. She watches as Kyle stalks over to the
counter where CHRIS is on the phone. He quickly hangs up the
phone and ducks underneath the counter.
Ree and Jackie sit on their couch in their PJs watching
movie. Looking cozy with their fleece blanket, they munch on
a giant bowl of microwave popcorn between them. They're
watching 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL.'
There! That's what I was telling
you about!
      (caught up in the
What? What?
Well, it's OVER now.
Where's the remote? I'll rewind it
They both look around, feeling underneath the blanket and in
between the cushions of the couch. Neither one is willing to
leave the comfort of the davenport.
There! It's over by you. On the
      (looking down)
Where? I don't see it.
Down there, at the end of the
coffee table.


A CLOSE on the DVD REMOTE that is half hidden underneath
Ree's fuzzy slippers. From her sitting position on the couch
she moves to her knees and leans forward, walking her hands
along the gloor until she is straight out in a push-up
stance. She goes down on her elbows and reaches forward and
grabs the remote and throws it up on the couch. She shifts
it into reverse and gets back into her sitting position on
the couch, face flushed from being upside down for so long.
Allright....pay attention!
ANGLE on the televison as Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan move in
extreme reverse. A PLAY icon appears in the corner and the
movie resumes normal speed.
      (Tom Hanks)
No one is allowed to work in his
department who doesn't have a
Ph.D. in children's literature.
      (Meg Ryan)
I love daises.
      (Tom Hanks)
You told me.
A pause icon appears in the corner of the screen as the
angle goes back to Ree and Jackie. Ree has a triumphant look
on her face while Jackie is just flabbergasted.
I'd never noticed before!
He tells her, but she's to sick to
Good thing, too...would have
ruined the ending.
Ree presses play and the movie resumes.
A beat as Jackie takes a handful of popcorn.
Is it strange that I find Tom
Hanks alluring?


      (mouthful of
Naw...he's hot.
It just feel so wrong....he's old
enough to be my dad.
Doesn't matter. I'd still bang
Ree smirks at Jackie and throws popcorn at her. Jackie picks
up the pieces and pops them in her mouth.
My pleasure.
A beat as they continue to munch popcorn.
I lost all respect for Meg Ryan
after that whole Russell Crowe
fiasco, though.
Oh, I know. I know. What was she
thinking? I mean, the man NEVER
Yeah, always so dirty and grimy
and ugh!
But he sure was delicious in
Ah yes. BUT! Not as fine as my
baby's daddy, Joaquin.
      (bites her lip)
Oh, the nasty things I would do to


Angle on the TV as the movie is now at the point where Tom
Hanks is giving his "If I hadn't been Fox Books..." speech.
Shot goes back to the couch to show the girls' reaction:
near tears and longing a man like Tom Hanks.
      (rubbing her eyes)
Oh my god! It gets me everytime.
Every time!
Shhh! It's the best part.
                       TELEVISON (O.C.)
      (Tom Hanks)
Yeah, yeah. I would've asked for
your number. And I wouldn't have
been able to wait 24 hours before
calling you up and saying, Hey,
how about... oh, how about some
coffee, or drinks, or dinner, or a
movie... or as long as we both
shall live?
Both of the girls clutch their fists to their chests in
pain. The saccharine sweetness is getting to them something
fierce. Ree is doubled over and down for the count.
      (muffled through
       the throw)
Oh! It hurts. It HURTS!
      (Tom Hanks)
How come you'll forgive him for
standing you up and you won't
forgive me for a little tiny thing
like putting you out of business?
Oh, how I wish you would.
Ree yells in pain and falls over onto Jackie's shoulder.
It's killling me. KILL. ING. ME!
Jackie pushes her back to her respective side of the couch.
She gives Ree a look of disgust.
Grow a backbone, you wuss.


Ree takes some tissue from the box on the coffee table and
offers the box to Jackie, who takes around ten sheets. Their
eyes are glued to the TV as the movie nears the end.
"Somewhere Over the Rainbow" echos through the apartment.
ANGLE on the TV as Meg and Tom meet in Central Park.
      (Tom Hanks)
Dont cry, ShopGirl. Don't cry.
      (Meg Ryan)
I wanted it to be you. I wanted it
to be you so badly.
The movie fades to the credits. ANGLE is back on the couch.
Ree is blowing her nose while Jackie is quietly sobbing. Ree
throws her a smug look.
Who's the wuss now, huh?
She throws her used tissue at Jackie, who in turn tosses the
wad across the room as though it carries the plague.
Really, Ree...that's just gross.
As Jackie wipes away her tears, Ree leans back on the couch
and looks up at the ceiling. A beat.
Y'know...it's movies like this
that have totally warped the
qualities I look for in a man.
      (nodding in
Yeah, that whole thing about
having a soul mate...that there's
this perfect man out there just
waiting for you.
The only hard part is that you
have to find him.
She looks under her blanket.
You there soul mate?
Jackie peeks beneath the couch.


He's not under here, either.
He's probably out there,
...but he's a paraplegic...
...or in a coma...
...in Madagascar.
Ree sighs. She leaves the comfort of her couch and heads
toward the darkness of the kitchen. The sound of the
refrigerator opening and shutting followed by the clinking
of ice in a glass and pouring of liquid follows. Jackie
turns toward the sound and raises a suspicious eyebrow.
Is that vodka I hear you pouring?
      (holds a hand up
       to her ear)
Are you drinking? You shouldn't be
                       RHIANNON (O.C.)
      (in the kitchen)
Is that so? And what if I was.
Well, if you WERE making a
screwdriver, I would have to give
you a long and drawn out speech in
which I chastise you about the
dangers of mixing your medication
with alcohol. Then I would have to
confiscate that drink.
Ree walks back into the living room with a drink in each
Good thing I made two, then.
She offers a glass to Jackie who smiles as she takes it.
In that case, I'll forgive this


                       JACKIE (cont'd)

Anyways, you deserve it....crappy
day and all.
Uhgh....don't remind me.
Ree comandeers the popcorn bowl while Jackie stretches out
on the couch, her feet nearly touching Ree's thigh. Ree
looks down at the feet disapprovingly.
You know, you're lucky you're my
best friend...there aren't many
people whose feet I'd let get that
close to me.
I feel so honored.
Ree finishes off her drink and slams it down on the coffee
table with purpose.
I have news!
Jackie follows suit with the slamming glass gesture.
As do I!
Really? What?
      (taking a drink)
No, no...you first.
Ree straightens up in her seat, looking rather proud of
You know how I but in applications
all over town, right?
Jackie nods as she takes a drink from her screwdriver.
The past couple of days, my phone
has been ringing, and I have three
interviews set up this week!


Allright! That's fantastic. Where
Red Carpet Videos, Nadie's and
Stewart Wilson's.
Oooh. Stewart Wilson's, huh?
That's fancy. So, are you nervous?
More anxious, really. I'm ready to
have something to do.
And more importantly, something to
put some money in my pocket, you
know what I mean?
Ree chuckles as she stretches out her legs and props them up
on her table. She spreads her toes out, thinking that she is
in dire need of a pedicure.
Allright, your turn. What's your
big news, hmm?
She eases back in her seat, exuding confidnece. She does a
"breathe on the nails, rub them on her shirt" gesture.
                       JACKIE (cont'd)
...I have a hot date on Wednesday.
Really? Fantastic! With who?
      (speaking into her
A guy I met at work.
      (less than
      (putting up a


                       JACKIE (cont'd)
Now, before you go off on me, let
me just say this: He's not a
regular. He came in with his
roommates to find some gag gifts
for his friend's twenty-first
birthday, that's all.
      (as an
And he's cute.
You don't have to defend your
reasons to me. It's a free
country. You can date whomever
you're heart desires.
Ree reaches into the bowl of popcorn and grabs a handful.
      (muttering as she
       puts the popcorn
       in her mouth)
Just don't come crying to me when
you find out he's a pervert who
just wants to give it to you up
the ass.
Jackie kicks her hard in the thigh and throws popcorn in to
her hair. Ree laughs.
Don't be jealous just because I'm
going to be getting some booty.
Yeah, up the booty.
You have no tact at all, do you?
ANGLE on the TV as the DVD screensaver has come on.
Are we going to watch this thing
bouce around all night, or are you
going to put the next DVD in.


Whaddya want to watch?
She holds up the boxes.
"Steel Magnolias" or
Does it really matter? They're
both going to rip my heart out of
my chest and stomp up and down
repeatedly on it.
"Philadelphia," then. At least it
      (puts on a
       hispanic accent)
Antonio Banderas. Quite the sexy
hombre, huh?
From this, we go into the REE LOOKS FOR A JOB/INTERVIEWS
Ree stands at the mirror, applying teeth whitening strips,
somewhat awkwardly. She keeps trying to get it to go onto
her teeth, but it refuses to leave her finger. She tries
biting the strip and pulling it with her teeth. After a few
seconds of struggle, the strip comes off the finger, but it
now attached to her lip.
Ree is sitting in an office lobby of a HIGH END DEPARTMENT
STORE. It is well lit and impeccably clean. SHe looks
somewhat out of place with her maroon hair and chunky shoes.

A WOMAN in her forties with platinum blonde hair enters the
lobby. Her lips seems to be too big for her face while her
smile seems to be frozen in place. A look of repulsion comes
over Ree's face, but she quickly hides it.
Hello, there! I'm Alice.


Ree stands up and walks over to shake Alice's hand.
My! That's a nice firm handshake
you've got there! Almost man-like!
Ree's not really sure how to take that statement, but she
forces a smile.
Standing in front of her closet, Ree analyzes potential
interview tops. None of them seem to strike her fancy as she
throws them, hanger and all, behind her. Too low cut, too
summer, too out of season, not even sure how to put that on,
etc, etc.
Ree is sitting at a two person table in the bar area of a
NICE RESTAURANT twiddling her thumbs and waiting. "THE GIRL
FROM IPANEMA" plays softly in the background.

THE MANAGER walks up to the table, carrying a ledger. He
wears a crisp linen shirt and has an earpiece with a
microphone attached. He swiftly smacks the ledger on the
table and sighs deeply as he sits down.
                       RESTAURANT MANAGER
Hey! Sorry about the wait. Things
have just gotten a little crazy
here, and we're REALLY short
Thus the interview. But anyway,
let's get started, shall we?
He offers his hands, but just as Ree reaches out to shake
it, he pulls back quickly and presses his fingers to the
                       RESTAURANT MANAGER
Ree jumps in her chair.
                       RESTAURANT MANAGER
      (respondig to the
Jesus Christ! Well tell the flat


                       RESTAURANT MANAGER (cont'd)
chested bimbo to get her ass in
gear and get the food out there
and do her fucking job! C'mon,
Bill...you gotta help me out here?
      (listens, getting
       more annoyed)
Fine. Fine! FINE! I'll be back
there in a minute. GOD!
      (to Ree, sweetly)
Sorry, there's something I have to
take care of. I'll be right back.
He takes off, yelling obscenities into his headpiece as he
leaves. Ree is left wide eyed and wondering what the fuck
just happened.
Trying to pull on some pants that really don't fit. She
jumps up and down, and they inch slowly up her thighs.
Finally, she gets them all the way up...only to find that
they won't button.
I don't (uhgh) remember (emph)
these being (oh) so (uh) tight!
She flops on the bed, sucks in her gut and pulls the zipper
up slowly and after much grunting and groaning, gets the
pants to button. SHe lifts herself up off the bed, looking
really uncomfortable. She walks over to her full-length
mirror and checks herself out, not at all happy with what
she sees.
No, Definitely not. I have such a
bad case of camel toe.
She unbuttons the pants, but now the zipper is stuck.
Aww....c'mon now...
Alice and Ree are walking down a hallway.


That's an....interesting...hair
color you've got going on there.
Ree unconciously touches her hair and blushes slightly.
You young kids these days...
the things you do to stand out!
      (shakes head)
Why, I remember the days when
rebelling meant wearing a
two-piece bathing suit or a skirt
that stopped above the knee!
Ree tries to mentally calculate exactly how old this woman
could possibly be.
Still in pajamas, digging around her drawers and through her
laundry basket, trying to find an outfit but having no luck.
Don't I have ANYTHING CLEAN??!!?
REE'S POV Checking herself out in the rearview mirror,
looking and feeling confident. She flares her nostrils,
making sure that there are no wayward particles hiding up
Allright. Ready to go!
Just then HUGE MONSOONLIKE RAIN begins to pour down from the
      (in quiet
You've got to be kidding me.
A thunderclap seems to respond "no."


POV from front of car. She sighs, shifts in her seat and
begins to sift through the backseat of the car. Cups, candy
wrappers and receipts come flying towards the front of the
Of course I don't have a frickin
umbrella in here...
Finally, she reemerges from the back with a section of the
local newspaper. She unfolds it and holds it above her head.
taking a deep breath, she opens the door and is greeted by
Why did I have to wear sandals?
POV from passenger seat as she gets out and slams the door.
She makes a mad dash for RED CARPET VIDEOS. A gust of wind
blows the newspaper out of her hands. Ree screams out of
frustration and runs even more quickly toward the entrance.
Still struggling with the zipper.
Gonna need the frickin jaws of
She walks over to her dresser and sifts through a drawer,
pulling out a pair of scissors. Being careful not to poke
herself, she cuts at the waist of the pants and down the
left leg. She breathes a sigh of relief as she is released
from her restraint. She stops right above the knee.
Aw, fuck it.
She rips the rest of the pantsleg completely and then pulls
the pants off all together.
Squishy footsteps are heard. Ree's wet, sandaled feet come
into the frame. The camera PANS UP revealing pants that are
soaked to up to the knee. A fist grasping a crumpled piece
of newspaper. A blue blouse that has become slightly
transparent revealing a black bra underneath. She tries to


hide this by crossing her arms over her chest. A little bit
of mascara runs down her face. Hair is completely drenched.
Teeth are chattering from the cold rain. She is utterly
A high school employee at the counter looks as though he has
encountered his ultimate fantasy. From his POV, Ree walks
toward him sexily, making come hither glances, running her
hands though her hair, etc, etc.
Hi...I have an interview at 3:30?
SNAPPED BACK TO REALITY, High School's jaw snaps shut and he
blinks rapidly.
                       HIGH SCHOOL
Yeah...yes. He's waiting for you
in the back.
He comes around the counter and heads toward the back of the
store. As Ree follows him, so does the squish squash of her
There's a loud crash that comes from the direction of the
kitchen. Indistinct yelling follows. A girl comes running
out, tears streaming down her face. She walks past Ree, who
looks on in horror as the girl walks out the door. More
crashing and screaming comes from the kitchen. The screaming
voice of the Manager becomes more distinct. Ree considers
things for a minute and then quickly gathers her things and
makes an exit from the restaurant.
CLOSE on door knob as it is jingled by the key from the
other side. Whoever is trying to open it is obviously having
a tough time. The door finally gives, and Ree nearly falls
face first into the doorway. She gathers her bearings,
closes the door and locks it.


The apartment is still dark. She walks over to the middle of
the living room, stands there for a minute, and then moves
quickly to the floor and lies face down. MUch like a murder
vctim waiting for a chalk outline.

A few moments later, the door opens again (with just as much
difficulty) and Jackie walks in. She turns on the light and
stops when she sees Ree on the floor. She sighs and then
walks over to the couch near Ree and flops down.
Interview didn't go so well, I
take it?
      (muffled by the
Any of them?
No. None.
She sighs as she rolls over onto her back and stares at the
I'm not sadomasochitsic enough to
be a waitress and I'm not pretty
OR anorexic enough to cell
ridiculously expensive hand bags
to women who don't know the first
thing about working a real job.
A beat as she puts her fingers to her temples and closes her
                       RHIANNON (cont'd)
And the only job that I reallly
wanted? The one job I was SURE I'd
be fabulous and perfect
for...working at the video store?
I arrived looking like I just got
out of a wet t-shirt contest.
A beat. Then Jackie busts out laughing.
Did you say "wet t-shirt contest"?


This rain just popped up out of
nowhere and I was drenched.
      (arches toward
And there was this kid workng
there and he was just staring at
my chest...
      (starts to laugh)
I swear that there was this stream
of spit just hanging from the edge
of his mouth.
Sounds like my date.
What the wet t-shirt contest?
Jackie throws her a dirty look.
No, the drool.
      (she sighs and
       rolls over to her
He just stared at
me...cannibalistically, almost.
      (a beat)
...and he wanted to fuck me in the
Oh. I'm sorry.
I'm never going to find a good guy
while I'm working at the store, am
Don't be like that. You're gonna
find a good guy.
But what?
Go on, say it. I know you want to.


What? I'm not saying anything.
What do you think I'm going to
You know what you want to say.
Ree throws her hands up, her face in a state of confusion.
"I told you so."
You said it, not me.
Jackie groans, takes off one of her shoes, and throws it at
Ree. it lands right next to her face and she retches at the
What? Are you trying to kill me
with your skanky feet?
Ree grabs the shoe and throws it behind her head.
Have you heard back from any place
Nope, nope.
I'm either incredibly under
qualified or embarassingly
overqualified. I'm just not meant
to have a job. I am officially
unfit for the working world.
She points a finger at Jackie, who is about to issue a
                       RHIANNON (cont'd)
That's a rhetorical insult, by the
way, and it is not open to debate.
Jackie sits up straight on the couch and runs her hands
through her hair.


That's it. I'm not going to sit
around here the rest of the night
feeling depressed.
      (she stands up)
Get up, we're going out.
I was hoping you'd say that.
Jackie and Ree sit at a table in the Horse and Hound, and
higher end bar. The place is rather packed for a Wednesday
night. A lot of college students are there - guys in trucker
hats and polos, girls in skimpy shirts and smaller skirts.
So, this guy comes into work last
night, drunk as hell. Walks right
past the counter.
A waitress stops at their table, setting down their drinks.
A Long Beach Iced Tea for Jackie, a Jack and Coke for Ree.
      (to waitress)
Thank you.
      (to Ree)
OK...where was I?
      (like she's
       feeding her lines)
Drunk guy...
He comes staggering in, and
doesn't pay the browsing fee! It
irks me to no end when people do
that..and then they look at me
like I'm some complete asshole.
And it's not even my policy! I'm
just the messenger.
Ree nods. She's heard this rant before, but Jackie never
grows tired of telling it.
But it only makes sense, otherwise
I'd have people in and out all


                       JACKIE (cont'd)
day, looking at the magazines and
then going out to their cars to
pull on their monster. The store
provides a service and it only
makes sense that a price be put on
this service. And they get their
dollar back, so I don't know what
the big deal is. All they have to
do is buy Hustler or something.
The issue this month has this
great cartoon with Pete Townshend
and that song I hate.
      (points her finger
       at Ree)
Don't you even start singing it.
Ree considers this, and then throws her hand up and shakes
her head, reassuring Jackie.
I'll have to show it to you the
next time you come by. It's
A long pause.
So...what happened with the drunk
Oh! Yeah! The drunk. Well, he
turned back toward the door and
gave me a dirty look. I thought he
was going to say something like "I
ain't payin' no damn browsin'
fee!" or something like that, but
he didn't...he just kept going
toward the door. So as he left I
said "And you have a nice day,
sir!" You know, kinda
Did he say anything back?
Yeah, you know what he said?
      (pauses for
       dramatic effect)
He turned and he yelled "Nice


Jackie chuckles. Ree has a screwed up look of confusion on
her face.
"Nice nose?"
      (tilts head to
That has to be the lamest retort
I've ever heard.
I know!
      (thinks about it)
But you know, my nose IS crooked.
      (not even looking
       at Jackie)
Your nose is not crooked.
It is so!
      (leans forward)
Look at it!
Ree squints. CLOSE on Jackie's nose. There is no visible
I don't see it.
It's there. My nose is crooked.
That's why I never look at anyone
straight on. My head's always
slightly tilted to the side.
I still don't see it. Where is it
I don't know. It's just crooked.
Ree closes her eyes, rests her head on her hand and rubs her
right temple with her index and middle fingers.
This is ridiculous. Your nose
CAN'T be crooked if you don't know
HOW it's crooked.


It just IS, ok? My mom says that
my nose is crooked and now this
drunk guy..
      (into her glass as
       she takes a drink)
He sounds like such a reliable
                       RHIANNON (cont'd)
      (ignoring her)
...he makes this comment about my
nose. It just can't be
      (covers her face
       with her hands)
Don't look at me...I'm hideous!
Ree smiles and shakes her head. She caasually looks to her
left, and the table across the room comes INTO FOCUS,
revealing a handsome young man who is looking back. Their
eyes meet, and Ree quickly looks away, blushing with
What, are you too ashamed to be
seen in public with my horrribly
disfigured nose?
God! Will you just drop that
Don't look, but I think that
there's this guy looking at me.
Jackie raises her eyebrows and smiles mischeviously.
Really? Where?
Ree is making and overzealous attempt not to look across the
room, looking the other way and sheilding her eyes.
At the table directly across the
room from us.
Jackie immediately looks in that direction.


      (hissing whisper)
I told you not to look!
Sorry! Sorry!
      (a beat)
Striped dress shirt or black
Black sweater.
Uh huh. Uh huh. Ok, so what I'm
going to do is nonchalantly lean
over and pick my purse up off the
floor. Perfectly natural.
She leans over, slowly, sifts through her purse for a moment
and looks up at the table where the guy is sitting. She sits
back up, bringing her purse with her.
Yep, he's definitely checking you
Really? Like "oooh, yeah!" or
oooh, gross!"?
Shot starts on a clear night sky as the opening chords of
"Also Sprach Zarathustra" begin. Stars are shining, the sky
is midnight blue. The camera pans down to reveal the modern
day monolith, Al's Mart. The camera ZOOMS OUT and REE and
JACKIE are seen from the back. They look up in the building
in awe, look at each other, and then make their way to the
entrance of the store.
Al's Mart is abuzz with the beeps of registers, the creaking
wheels of carts and the ever present sound of the music
being piped in over the PA system.
      (in awe)


      (feeling blue)
I still can't get over it, you
She holds up a yellow overcoat to herself and gets a
thoughtful look on her face.
      (to Jackie)
What do you think of this yellow
I don't like bees.
Heh...I crack myself up.
Jackie suddenly perks up as she sees as sign marking a sale.
Oooh...a bra sale!
Ree rolls her eyes and smirks. As they turn the corner into
the lingerie section, Ree happens to look up and immediately
covers her mouth. She turns to Jackie to confirm what she
has just seen.
Is that....what...I think it is?
      (eyes wide)
Yes....it is...
                       REE AND JACKIE
      (in unison)
A waterfall of underwear.
Camera PANS UP to reveal a gigantic cascade of granny
panties coming from the celing. Cut to a look on Ree and
Jackie's faces that conveys "What the fuck?"
You could apply for a job here...
Ree stops dead in her tracks.


      (pauses, and then
       shakes her head)
No. No, no, no NO!
Jackie stops and leans forward on her cart.
Why not? You're a fantastic
      (raises an eyebrow)
Hell, compared to the geniuses
they got in there now, you'd be a
God amongst mortals.
Standing at her register, we see REE, checking out a
seemingly neverending line of customers. Her sponsor,
NADINE, stands close by with her butchered black and blue
locks wrapped in a tattered do-rag. Popping her gum loudly,
she peers over Ree's shoulder as if waiting for her to screw
Here's your reciept and have a
good day!
Nadine leans forward, right in Ree's ear.
      (hissing whisper)
Say "thanks for shopping at Al's
Ree narrows her eyes at Nadine, but her attention is focused
on the sliding door as an attractive man enters and makes
his way to the produce section. Ree cannot help but to
follow him with her eyes.


      (in awe)
WHO is that?
The loud pop of Nadine's gum proceeds her reply.
Only the sexiest man ever to grace
this store with his presence!
      (bites her lip)
Time seems to slow down as A CLOSE on the ATTRACTIVE MAN
reveals rippling muscles underneath a well-fitting polo
shirt, a strong chin, meticulously sculpted hair and
piercing blue eyes. Time seems to slow down as he picks up a
lime and inspects it for imperfections. We hear the refrain
of "Do You Think I'm Sexy?"

From Ree's POV, it seems as if the Man looks directly at her
and smiles (think Han Solo).

CLOSE on Ree as she unconciously fans herself.
                       ANNOYED CUSTOMER (O.C.)
Excuse me?
CUT to ATTRACTIVE MAN smelling a lemon. CLOSE on Ree's mouth
as she licks her lips.
                       ANNOYED CUSTOMER (O.C.)
      (getting angry)
EXCUSE me??!!?
Suddenly, Rod Stweart comes to a SCREECHING HALT and REALITY
CRASHES DOWN. Ree shakes herself out of her daze.
                       ANNOYED CUSTOMER
Hey! I've been standing in line
for twenty minutes, now. What the
fuck is the hold up?
Nadine grabs the phone at the register and then turns to the
Annoyed Customer.
I'm sorry, sir. We have a
situation here. It'll be just a


Annoyed Customer exhales sharply, but folds his arm across
his chest in defeat. Nadine presses a button to activate the
PA system.
      (booms on PA)
Code 9 in Produce! I repeat, Code
9 in Produce!
                       ANNOYED CUSTOMER
      (to his wife)
What in the hell is a "Code 9?"
A ditzy blonde bops up beside Nadine and joins in the
oogling. The other cashiers refer to her as "Tiny Bubbles"
(aka: T.B.).
I'm sorry, company policy prevents
us from revealing our codes.
The CAMERA whips by OVERHEAD as the constant beeping of the
registers comes to a halt and cashiers in every aisle stick
their heads up in response to the page. Ree hears the finger
tapping of the Annoyed Customer and gets back to scanning
the items.
Man, I'm hungry!
      (not really paying
I thought you just got back from
your break...
Yeah...but I'm hungry...for some
IHoP, if you know what I mean!
T.B. elbows Nadine jokingly, but Nadine's expression reveals
that she has no idea what the girl is refering to.
You know!
Nadine looks at her blankly and shakes her head.


                       T.B. (cont'd)
IHoP?!!? It means "Incredible
Hottie on Premises"! Everyone
calls it that.
No. No one calls it that.
She turns to T.B. and smiles wickedly.
                       NADINE (cont'd)
Just you.
T.B. continues to smile brightly, oblivious to Nadine's jab.
Ree runs the Annoyed Customer's credit card through and
turns to the duo.
So, uh....what's the deal with
this guy?
Nadine rolls her eyes over toward Ree.
Well, aside from being insanely
HOT....he comes in her every
Tuesday and Friday, and he only
buys lemons and limes....so...
T.B. cuts in.
He's called the Lemons and Limes
How original.
He must get them for his spring
T.B. smiles, shrugs and walks off. Both Ree and Nadine flash
her a "you must be retarded" look.


I think she was born with the cord
wrapped around her neck.
LEMONS AND LIMES GUY gathers his meticulously picked parcel
and heads toward the registers. The female (and the gay
male) cashiers sigh and swooon as he walks by. He finally
makes his way to Ree's line as she finishes totaling up
Annoyed Customer's order.
Ohmigod, you lucky bitch! I'm SO
CLOSE on the abnormally large pile of lemons and limes that
is making it's way down the belt to the register. Ree looks
up at L&LG nervously, but he's preoccupied with his cell
                       LEMONS AND LIMES GUY
      (into his phone)
Yeah....yeah....uh huh....I
Ree carefully counts the pieces of produce, careful not to
harm any one piece of fruit. The sound of Nadine's popping
and chewing reaches and abnormal rate.
So, that's fifteen lemons and
twenty limes, sir?
Still on the phone, L&LG nods. Ree types in the proper code
and places the items in a bag. He hands Ree his credit card.
CLOSE on the card as their fingers briefly touch and a surge
Credit or debit?
Annoyed, L&LG cups his hand over the his phone.
                       LEMONS AND LIMES GUY
Ree fumbles the card briefly, smiles timidly and runs the
card through her register. After a few short seconds, the
terminal signals that the transaction has been approved.


If you could just sign on the
screen there, please...
L&LG props the phone in between his shoulder and ear. The
register spits out a reciept.
There you are, sir. Have a great
Still on the phone, L&LG grabs his reciept, gives Ree a nod
and walks off. Looking down, Ree notices that he has left
his bag. She grabs it and takes off after him. She reaches
him as soon as he is about to step through the doors. After
a tap on the shoulder, he turns around.
                       LEMONS AND LIMES GUY
Being in such close proximity to a perfect male specimen,
Ree is momentarily rendered speechless. L&LG flashes her a
look that says "Well?!!?" and she comes to her senses.
Your bag...
      (swallows hard)
You forgot your bag.
A look of realization passes over L&LG's face and gives way
to a dazzling white smile.
                       LEMONS AND LIMES GUY
Thanks! I appreciate it.
He turns and walks through the automatic doors. As they
slide shut, Ree remembers her training.
Thanks for shopping at Al's Mart!
Walking back to her register, Ree has the biggest shiteating
grin on her face. She notices that her light has been turned
out and there is no one in her line. She looks at Nadine


Time for a break. I need a smoke.
And a clean pair of panties.
Ree busts out laughing as the two head toward the back of
the store.
REE and NADINE enter the room and are immediately met by a
cloud of smoke. The walls are yellowed from the tobacco and
the tables are littered with ash.
You smoke?
After today, I just might start.
They each pull up a chair at a table where two elderly women
are sitting.
Later in her shift, Ree is finally on her own. Business has
slowed down a little and she finds herself without a
customer. She takes a slow look around while simultaneously
reaching underneath her register and pulling out a magazine.
Keeping it at waist level, she leafs through it,
ocassionally looking up to see if anyone has caught her.
                       MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Are you open?
Ree quickly scrambles to throw the magazine underneath the
register and turns on her belt. She turns towards the voice.
      (not really
       looking up to see
       the customer)
Hello. How are you doing today?


She looks up and smiles at her customer. Her brow wrinkles
slightly. He looks rather familiar.

How are you doing...
      (looks at her
Oh...can't complain.
      (looks up at the
I get off in...approximately 2
hours and 23 minutes.
Ree makes a "yes!" gesture and starts to scan the customer's
You don't remember me, do you?
She looks up and tries to place him. She can't make a
connection. Graham tries to jog her memory.
I'm Graham.
Her look says that she has no idea what he is talking about.
We met...
      (he reconsiders
       this statement)
...kind of...a couple of weeks
Rhiannon scoffs at the notion that she has a photographic
memory. If only!
Sorry, you're gonna have to be
more specific.
I don't remember what I did
yesterday....let alone two weeks
It was at Charlie T's...
      (wanting to jog


                       GRAHAM (cont'd)
       her memory but
       not offend)
You...uhm...spilled your drink on
...on accident.
The memory of her previous bumbling causes Ree to smack her
left forearm into a the metal apparatus that holds the
plastic bags. She winces in pain and instinctively holds her
arm close.
      (in pain)
Oh...I remember now.
That hurt?
No...no, doesn't hurt at all.
With a frown, she rubs her arm then inspects it closely. It
is turning red, probably the first sign of a bruise, she
She puts his items in a bag and closes the transaction. She
give him his change. He lingers at the register for a good
thirty seconds, just looking at her.
If I were to keep talking to
you...Are you going to get in
trouble or something...?
I...I could...I could meet you
when you get off work or
Ree nearly drops the plastic bags that she is placing in his
      (makes the
Oh...yeah...well, I guess. Sure.
Graham smiles and glances up at the clock.



So...I'll see you in 2 hours and 2
hours and 20 minutes, eh?
      (not knowing what
       to say)
Looking rather pleased with himself, he pushes his cart away
toward the exit. Ree watches him leave, confused by the
events that have just occurred. What was with that guy? she
wonders. She rubs the welt on her arm and pulls her magazine
back out.
Rhiannon, dressed for the brisk cold of the autumn, step
through the automatic doors. She looks around to see if this
guy is really going to show up. Her breath condenses in the
air. She looks to the right to see Graham sitting on a
bench, legs crossed, casually smoking a cigarette.
Ree smiles and walks toward him. He gives her a nod of the
head as he exhales the smoke through his nose. She sits on
the bench beside him.
A smoker, eh?
He nods an affirmative. Her nose wrinkles in disgust.
Those things will kill you, you
Graham smiles devilishly and blows smoke rings into the air.
So I've heard.
He drops the cigarette down to the ground and stamps it out.


There is a brief pause as neither party is sure as to what
to say. Ree finally breaks the silence.
Are you a stalker?
      (caught off guard)
Are you?
      (brief pause)
Or are you a homicidal maniac? Be
honest...you're going to take me
out to some cornfield and chop me
up into a million pieces, aren't
Graham exhales sharply through his nose.
Yeah, that's exactly what's going
on. As a matter of fact, I keep a
bottle of chloroform in my pocket
in case a situation like this
They look at each other and then bust out laughing.
      (clears throat)
Sorry about...that drink spilling
I didn't like that shirt anyway.
Was it really that bad? Did I ruin
No! No...I was just messing with
Ree punches him in the arm.


      (angry but
      (thinks about it a
As I recall, it was your fault I
spilled the drink in the first
Graham tires to repress a grin.
      (on a roll now)
Yeah! It was your fault. Not even
paying attention to where you were
going! And that Cosmo cost me six
dollars, mind you! SIX DOLLARS!
Graham smiles and raises his arms in defeat.
Fine! Fine. I'll buy you another
      (looks at watch)
What are you doing now?
Ree is taken aback. She'd love a drink after the day she's
had, but she's still in her work clothes.
Right now?
No time like the present.
She tilts her head to one side and considers the situation.
After a moment, she turns to him and smiles.
Will you have....expectations?
      (raises an eyebrow)
I'll take that as a 'yes.'
CLOSE on a BARTENDER'S HANDS as he mixes a Long Island Ice


TeaAn average run of the mill sports bar. It isn't full as
it is a weekday night. A karaoke machine is set up in the
corner and an intoxicated older gentleman who cannot carry a
tune (DRUNK KARAOKE GUY) is singing "Tracks of My Tears"
rather badly.

On a big screen TV, Indiana University is playing Iowa at
home. They're being pummeled. Ree wrinkles her nose in
disgust and takes a sip of her drink.
It pains me....absolutely PAINS ME
to watch this.
You a big basketball fan?
Ree nods an affirmative.
Yeah I was basically raised on
I probably bleed cream and
Graham looks uneasily at his drink.
I'm from West Lafayette.
Ree's mouth falls open in mock disbelief.
      (shakes her fist
       at him)
You had me fooled...I would have
never taken you for a Boilermaker.
Graham raises his eyebrows and makes a swordlike gesture and
thrust his hand forward.
Ree swirls her drink around in her glass. She smiles


Well, this means that we can never
be together.
Graham pouts in jest.
I suppose we could be star-crossed
Ah, like Romeo and Juliet.
A brief pause as they consider this situation.
Only, you know, without the double
suicide and all that mess.
Ree nods her agreement and finishes of her drink. Meanwhile,
the DRUNK KARAOKE GUY is puking his guts out on stage. A
murmur of disgust ripples through the room. Ree and Graham
make eye contact and laugh.
I'd say that's our cue to leave,
wouldn't you?
Yes. Yeah. Let's go.
As they go to leave, Drunk Karaoke Singer's buddies are
dragging him out the door as well. Suddenly, he pukes right
in the doorway. Ree and Graham don't know whether to be
disgusted or just bust out laughing at the guy.

They go out the door, stepping over the vomit. Graham steps
back in and leans down next to Drunk Karaoke Guy.
      (rather loudly)
SHOT of Drunk Karaoke as a trail of slobber runs down from
the side of his mouth. He looks a mess.
Ree and Graham walk down the sidewalk of the downtown area.
They each have their hands in their pockets, merely


strolling along. The distance between them is one
acquaintances would share.

There are a few other people out, but are too busy engaging
in public displays of affection to pay any attention to
them. Ree is still in stitches about what transpired in the
I've never seen anyone throw up
that much.

I didn't think it was humanly
Yeah, that was certainly a sight
to behold...one I'd rather not
They both laugh about it again. There's a brief pause as
niether one is quite sure what to say in order to carry on
the conversation. Finally, Ree takes a stab at it.
      (mock disbelief)
I still can't believe you're from
Graham rolls his eyes and shakes his head.
It's not really that big of a
He sighs deeply and prepares to disclose his dark
                       GRAHAM (cont'd)
To be honest with you....I really
don't like basketball all that
Ree gasps in mock horror. She covers her mouth and points at
Graham accusingly.
What? I can't be born in Indiana
and not love basketball?


They are stopped in the street now, having a sorta argument
that is more of teasing/flirting.
You're just in denial if your true
Graham sticks his tongue in his cheek and smiles.
Shut up!
Ree laughs. They pick up walking again.
                       GRAHAM (cont'd)
No, no. Seriously. I'm not in
She looks up into his eyes.
You really aren't, are you?
      (takes on a more
       serious tone)
So, what's the deal?
There's really not much to tell,
you know.
      (scratches head)
It just was never my thing.
Graham holds up his hand as though hoping to pull the words
out of the cool air.
My parents....more like my dad,
really...always tried to get me
involved with sports.
But I was never much of an
athlete. Luckily, my younger
brother filled in those shoes.
So you were more of the brains.
Yeah...yeah, something like that.


As they walk on, the distance between them decreases. They
turn a corner. Their respective cars are parked down the
      (out of the blue)
You wanna get some coffee?
Ree is somewhat take aback by this abrupt change in subject.
      (looks at her
      (a little too
'Cause there's this place nearby
that has the most excellent
      (raises his right
I swear by it.
Unless you need to go home....
No pressure or anything
Ree smiles at his sudden nervousness.
Hmmm....I don't know...
Graham's seems to shrink a couple of inches in defeat.
Does this fabulous diner of yours
have ice cream?
Graham brightens somewhat. Ree puts her hand on his back and
makes a forward gesture with her opposite hand.
      (gesturing forward)
Lead the way, then, good sir.


CLOSE on a bowl of coffee creamer as REE'S FINGERS rearrange
them into a sort of creamer pyramid. As the last creamer is
placed on top, the camera PANS UP to Ree's satisfied face.
She leans back in her booth seat and grins across the table.
Are you from around here?
      (in between
No...no. I'm from up north. 'Bout
an hour north of Indy.
Just then, a WAITER walks up with a giant sized strawberry
sundae complete with whipped cream, nuts and a cherry on top
and a steaming mug of coffee.
Wow, that looks fantastic. Thanks
so much.
She takes the cherry off the top and places on the plate
underneath the sundae dish.
Does this place you are from have
a name?
Ree pokes at her sundae, reluctant to say the name.
      (muttering quietly)
Kokomo? Like that song?
      (starts singing)
"Aruba. Jamacia, oooh I wanna take
Ree glares at him. If looks could kill, Graham wouldn't have
a prayer. She violently scoops a hunk of sundae up and
shoves it into her mouth.
      (talking with
       mouth full)
Godddamn Beach Boys and their
goddamn song. Can't even tell


                       RHIANNON (cont'd)
anyone where I'm from without them
mentioning that damn song.
She sticks the spoon back into the sundae, making a loud
clank against the glass.
                       RHIANNON (cont'd)
      (getting really
And Kokomo is really nothing like
that...It's nowhere near the
Florida Keys...There's no "steel
drum band" or "bodies in the sand.
Hell, the only thing they got
right was that you CAN get there
fast and then take it slow...but
only because there are stoplights
every five feet!
Seems as though my preconceived
notions about Kokomo are
Ree nods an affirmative as she scraps the bottom of her
sundae glass.
So what's it really like?
      (licking her spoon)
What? Kokomo?
      (tilts head to
Like I said, there are waaaay too
many stoplights.
Uh huh.
Lots of used car lots, too...
      (a beat)
....and gas stations.
      (thinks about it)


                       RHIANNON (cont'd)
They kinda go hand in hand...buy a
used car, fill it up with gas.
She plays with her spoon as she thinks of more interesting
aspects of her hometown. After a few seconds, her eyes light
Not sure where this fits, but I thought it was funny.
I worked my fingers to the bone!
I've never really been impressed
by that pharse.
She looks at her fingers, touching each one to her thumb.
                       RHIANNON (cont'd)
I mean, if you think about it,
there really isn't all that much
to go through on a finger to get
to the bone. Hell, I could
probably work mine to the bone and
not break a sweat. Rub 'em on a
rough surface for awhile...that
would take care of it.
Graham looks at her, mouth hanging open. A beat.
You know it's just a figure of
speech, right?
      (ignoring him)
Now, working your finger to the
elbow, THAT'S impressive.
She holds her arm up in front of her face.
                       RHIANNON (cont'd)
'Cause that's a long way. If
someone were to say "Whew! I
worked my fingers to the elbow
today!" They must have worked
pretty damn hard, ya know?
Graham pulls a pillow out from behind his head and smacks
Ree playfully in the face with it.


It's me.
Do you know what time it is?
Shit, I forgot about the time
difference. Sorry.
Time difference?
Where are you?
..I kinda cleaned out my bank
account, hopped on a plane and
flew to London.
Jackie is wide awake now.
You did what?
I made a huge mistake. I should
have been there for him, you know?
Becasue I know what it's like...to
have another person who even has
the slightest idea of what you're
But I was scared. I was a coward
and I pushed him away and it was
the most horrible decision I ever
made. I need to tell him that.
Jackie shakes her husband awake and makes some motions to


An long hallway of apartments. Ree walks down until she
reaches a door at the end. She looks at the card and she
looks at the door. 712. They match. She hesitates before
knocking, but finally raps rather loudly on the door.
                       FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
      (hint of a British
C'mon in! It's open!
Ree cringes slightly, not wanting to have to play the part
of the ex and really not wanting to meet the new girlfriend.
With her hand on the doorknob, she takes a deep breath,
opens the door and steps in.
Ree steps inside and sees no one. She walks down the hallway
into an open area. A giant landscape windows overlook the
London cityscape. She looks out in awe, walking further into
the room. Graham's leather coat is lying on the couch. On
the coffee table in front of the couch, pictures lie strewn
about...a young boy that Ree assumes is Graham as a child.
                       FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Ree turns in the direction of the voice. It's the same girl
from the cafe, but she's even more stunning up
close...blonde hair straight out a Pantene commercial,
dazzling white teeth, perfect make-up. Ree hates her
                       SARA (cont'd)
You must be Rhiannon. I'm Sara.
She holds out her hand and Ree shakes it, noticing a very
nice shiny rock on her ringfinger.
Wonderful to meet you. Graham's
told me all about you.
I'm sure he has, is the thought that goes through her mind.
A tightlipped smile covers her clenched teeth.
There is an extended silence as neither woman is sure what
to say. Sara breaks the silence.


So....you're from Indiana, huh?
Uh huh.
So...what's it like? I've never
been there, actually.
Well, it's Indiana, you know?
      (A beat)
Frickin' Indians everywhere, man.
Tomahawks flying though the air.
And it's impossible to watch a
movie with those giant
headdresses, you can't even see
the screen. And they throw these
big bonfires and no one tries to
scalp them for fear of being
scalped alive!
It's insanity, really.
Sara gives her a look of complete confusion and disbelief.
After a lengthy silence.
I'm kidding. Very few Indians in
Indiana, really. The name's a lie,
come to think of it.


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From adrian watts Date 10/18/2008 ***
Read some of this, quite funny, but your also doing the directors job, just do your job and be a screenwriter.

From Kamuizot Date 8/24/2006 ****
I read this screenplay last week. I'm only now getting to write a review. I really liked this. In fact it is the best piece I have read on Scriptbuddy to date. The dialog was fresh and hip. It reminded me of Alley McBeal meets Kevin Smith. Openly assertive sexual humor delivered by female charaters is novel and fun. The story is in pieces but even in unfinished form I can see the plot is resonablly solid. Plotting romantic comidy shouldn't be over complicated but the dialog and interactions should be. Well done and keep up the good work. By the way. Your work also reminded me of my favorate on-line comic QuestionableContent.com Check it out. The only critical things I have is the "You've got Mail" scene is too long. You've Got Mail is a remake of an other older film about pen pals. I'd rather see you use the origonal over the remake. Remakes bother me. Otherwise that scene could be split into two scenes. It would remind us of Riannon and Jackie's friendship and tie other scenes together. The other issue you might have is the lemon and lime guy. It will be very diffecult to cast a man that is ultra sexy to all women, however I should be available Monday's and Friday's if you ever start shooting. :) Good luck and keep writing. P.S. do me a favor and check out my Work in Progress "CALIBER" on this site. Thanks.

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