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Bros Before Hoes
by Adam Ross (aross@email.arizona.edu)

Rated: R   Genre: Teen Movies   User Review: **1/2
This is a Teen Movie/Comedy. It is based on a true story of a group of 5 friends in high school who tended to date the same girls. Things like this that tend to break up friends and is usually a cardnal rule between friends left this group of friends unbroken.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


The sun is rising over the city of Las Vegas, NV. The focus
is not however on the resorts, casinos, or any other
luxurious aspect of the city. We pass over the strip to four
homes of our five characters as they prepare for the biggest
days in the lives so far. First we get to Colin's house.

Colin is lying in bed asleep. He is underneath his covers
and they are moving up and down as though he is
masturbating. He wakes up as he orgasms.
UGHHHH!!! OHH!!!....What the fuck?
The frame freezes and the word "Colin" appears in the center
of the screen.

The frame unfreezes.
      (Realizing what
       just happened as
       he lifts up the
       covers and peers
Ahhh, god damn it. (To his penis)
You dick! I swear, you couldnt
wait 5 more minutes for me to wake
up! You know I would have hooked
you up man, I always do......
Ahh, I need to get a towel.
Colin gets up and you get the view of his ass with his pants
around his ankles as he waddles ever so carefully to his
The camera leaves Colin to clean up as it makes its way over
to Mack's house. He is asleep as well. It cuts to his dream
Mack is with several super models on the back of the Titanic
as it is making its way across the Atlantic.
                       SUPER MODEL #1
      (Rubbing Mack's


                       SUPER MODEL #1 (cont'd)
Ohh Mack Daddy. You are the
sexiest man I have ever met.
                       SUPER MODEL #2
Yes Mack. You turn me on. Your
balls are so big.
                       SUPER MODEL #3
Fuck us all now Mack.
The four begin kissing and gropping and that sort of stuff.
Just then there is a big crash.
                       SUPER MODEL #1
Mack you rock my world.
                       GUY ON TITANIC
We hit an iceberg!!! We are going
The titanic begins to go down. It is upright heading down
with Mack and the supermodels having sex on the back. The
cook who is also riding the Titanic down is masturbating
next to them.
The Titanic makes it into the water and as soon as everyone
is under the water, Mack wakes up.
      (Sitting up
Freeze frame with "Mack" center screen.

Unfreeze frame.
At this point we leave Mack and head over to J.D.'s place.
He is sitting Indian style in front of his t.v. playing
video games. It is a football video game.
The phone rings and J.D. leaves the game and picks it up.
      (Only hearing his
       side of the
Hello. Hey whats up baby. No, I
woke up a few minutes ago, just
been playing Madden. Yeah, I know.
I'm gonna get dressed and we are


                       J.D. (cont'd)
gonna come get you in like 30
minutes okay? Alright baby Ill see
you in a few. I love you. No I
love you more. No I love you that
times infinity. Okay. Bye....No
you hang up first. No you hang up.
Okay we will do it on three. One.
Two. Three. You didn't hang up. I
know I didn't because I wanted to
see if you would. I can't hang up
first. (laughs). Alright Ill call
you when I am on my way. Bye baby.
J.D. begins making kissy sounds into the phone.

Freeze frame with "J.D." center screen.

Unfreeze frame.
Cut away from J.D. and we head over to the final house.
Eddie is in the kitchen baking and watching The View.
      (To himself.)
I don't care what anyone says, I
like Starr Jones.
Freeze frame with "Eddie" center screen.

Unfreeze frame.
      (Yelling across
       the house.)
Joey, I made some pancakes, come
and get some.
Cut across to the bedroom in Eddie's house to see Joey on
his bed with a picture crying. Cut back and forth from the
picture of an attractive asian girl. Joey is sobbing.
Sometimes to the point where he can't breath. (Remember like
when you were a little kid and got hurt. That first part
when you couldn't breath. Like that.)
Eddie comes in with his pink apron on.
Good god man, you gotta stop
crying over her. Just forget about
it. I mean you act like this now,
how are you gonna act when you
have to watch her give her speech
today. Now we don't have anymore


                       EDDIE (cont'd)
pancakes because I ate them all on
the way to our room.
      (Whipping away
Dude, that is like 10 feet.
Don't question me. Now you gotta
get dressed. We are leaving in a
                       E AND J'S DAD
      (From off screen.)
Joey rolls his eyes.

Freeze frame with "Joey" center screen.

Unfreeze frame.
      (Leaving the room.)
You're on your own.
Eddie and Joey's dad enters the room as Eddie is leaving
wearing only his stained tighty whities. He is holding a
piece of paper in his hand.
                       E AND J'S DAD
Joey you dumbfuck. I just got your
report card today.
Dad, nows not a good time.
                       E AND J'S DAD
Maybe if you didn't spend all your
time fucking around with your
loser friends you wouldn't have
these grades. You are neve going
to amount to anything.
Go to hell dad.
                       E AND J'S DAD
You know what your punishment is
going to be for these grades.


I am not doing that dad.
                       E AND J'S DAD
Oh yes you will. You are going to
wash my balls.
You're sick.
                       E AND J'S DAD
I'll yell for you when then need a
washing, until then I am going to
put this report card up so
everyone can see what a dumbfuck
you are.
Cut to a closeup of a little league baseball trophy in the
middle of the dining room table. The report card is stuck
threw the little baseball guy on top to reveal 3 B's, 1 C,
and 2 D's. The words "DUMBFUCK JOEY" are written at the top.
We now cut away and back to each one of the guys in order
putting on their caps and gowns, except for Joey who is
putting on a suit and tie.

Cut to Ross in his cap and gown in his bare room. He is
zipping up his suitcase and stacking a bunch of luggage new
his door.

Cut to Mack doing his hair with his robe on. He then puts
his cap on tilted back so that it doesn't mess his hair up.

Cut to J.D. with his cap and gown on tieing his tie.

Cut to Eddie in the bathroom with everything on spritzing
(yes, I said spritzing) himself with a fragrance (yes, I
said fragrance) of some sort.

Cut to Joey struggling to button the pants of his suit.
We then cut to the ceremony.
The four guys all walk up from different sides
simultaneously and handshakes are exchanged.
Let's go graduate boys.
The four walk down the tunnel into the auditorium.


      (To the guys.)
I jerked off in my sleep again
last night.
There is then music playing as the ceremony commences.
The priciple is speaking. Cut to the four guys sitting in
the graduation row. Mack and Eddie are in the first row and
Colin and J.D. are right behind them. Cut to an attractive
asian girl reading a speech. Cut then to Joey up in the
stands crying uncontrollable. Cut back to the four guys
standing up. The music then dies down to a low volume so we
can here the announcer call out the guys' names.
                       GRADUATION ANNOUNCER
Edward Solomon Argueta.
Eddie walks across the stage and gets his diploma.
                       GRADUATION ANNOUNCER
Justin Ward McEnroe.
Mack walks across the stage and gets his diploma.
                       GRADUATION ANNOUNCER
Jacob David Rogers.
J.D. walks across the stage and gets his diploma.
                       GRADUATION ANNOUNCER
Colin Ross Adams.
Colin walks across the stage and gets his diploma.
Cut then to the principle at the podium.
                       GRADUATION ANNOUNCER
Congratulations class of 2001!!
Hats go flying in the air and the four are all yelling and
screaming. Cut to Joey in the stands clapping and blowing
his nose (because he was crying).
The doors crash open and a large amount of graduates come
running out. There are manny large groups hugging and taking
pictures together. Joey and Eddie then walk up to J.D.


      (Giving J.D. a
       half handshake,
       half hug)
Alright ya homo. Joey and I are
takin off. What are we doing
I just saw Baker a little bit ago.
He is throwing another "Baker
Bash" tonight. We were all gonna
check that out.
Sounds good man.
      (To Joey)
You coming too Joey?
Hell yeah. I'll be there.
You need a ride?
I'll give you a call when we head
out. I'm driving my dad's jeep.
Alright guys, well I'll see ya in
a little bit then.
Eddie and Joey take off with there parents.
      (With Mack.
       Talking to J.D.)
Alright bro, we're out like reebok
The three exchange handshakes.


We're gonna fuckin blow up tonight
boys. I swear to go if I don't get
laid tonight I am going to chop
off my dick and donate it to
All I gotta say is that I'm gonna
get drunk, take my pants off, sing
a rap song, and fuck an inanimate
object or two. That is a
successful night for me.
Yeah, we gotta do it up for your
last night in town. What time do
you take off tomorrow?
Real early, like 7. I gotta check
into the dorms tomorrow and its
about 6 hours town to Tucson.
I hear U of A has some fine ass
      (To Mack)
I'll let ya know.
      (To J.D.)
But hey man, I'll see ya at
Baker's later on.
Later guys
Mack and Colin take off and the camera pulls away from J.D.
J.D., Eddie, and Joey pull up to a house in a car. The car
turns off and before Joey can get out of the drivers seat
Colin's bare ass is pressed against the window.


      (Surprised and
God damn it...ya know I knew the
night would not be complete until
I saw your ass.
      (Who was next to
Alright gentlemen. Let's get in
there. I hear the women calling my
      (Puts hand up to
       ear and says in a
Pussy King. Pussy King. Where are
Pussy King? Are you saying you are
the biggest pussy in all the land?
Fuck you.
Maybe I will. I like to fuck
So you are saying you want to fuck
Mack? You are so gay.
Walking towards the party
      (Points to car)
I'm gonna fuck that.
      (Points to tree)
I'm gonna fuck that.
      (Points to fire
       hydrant but Joey
       walks in front of
       it at the last
Gonna fuck that...(pause)...Eh,
What the hell are you doing?


Don't worry about it.
Still walking
So what's the plan for tonight.
Well you, are going to eat a giant
meatball hoagie while masturbating
in the corner crying. We on the
other hand, are going to try and
get laid... Except for J.D. though
of course. Beause he is gay.
Totally gay.
Fuck you. I'm not gay. Eddie is
the gay one.
      (To Joey)
Who the fuck invited you anyway?
You did.
Shut up.
All arrive at the door and walk in. Baker answers the door
in an oversized penguin costume with a big orange hat, clear
sungleasses, a supersoaker in one hand, and a cigar in the
      (Extremely excited
       to see everyone.
       Leaning back and
       raising his arms
       in the air.)
      (Hugging the group)
I fucking love you guys man.
Thanks for coming.
      (Calmly as if
       nothing is out of
       the ordinary)
What's happenin man.


Oh man. Alright guys we got the
open bar in the kitchen as usual
and the kegs are in the back.
Thanks a lot buddy.
The group walks into a large party with load music.
Let's go hit up that keg.
      (Walking off)
I'll be back. I'm gonna go make a
strawberry daquiri.
And you call me the gay one?
That's bullshit.
All but Eddie get to the keg and pour themselves beers.
There is so much fine ass in the
      (To Joey)
You should be able to clean up
tonight bro. Chicks dig guys on
the rebound.
No, its too early man I can't do
it. I gotta let it heal.
Eddie returns from making his daquiri.
Hey I just saw Laura over by the
      (Hitting Eddie in
       the arm.)
You fat fuck. We weren't supposed
to say her name. Now Baby Huey
over here won't be able to stop
crying like a little bitch for


      (Holding back
Fuck you man. I fucking love her.
She is going to take me back. I
can't believe she does this shit
to me after everything I have
fucking done.
Joey starts crying. All start consoling him.
Don't worry about it man. You'll
find another chick.
Yeah dude, I mean you could hook
up with...
      (Looks around then
       points to a
       unattractive girl
       with mangled
With that snaggle toothed bitch
over there.
Mack flitches after he says this for a reason we will find
out later.
I appriciate it, but it's just
gonna take some time.
Its no big deal man, we have all
had women we have had to get over.
Hell, Mack and I both dated Laura
even. Fat Joe, You just gotta move
on. There is no better way to get
over one girl than with another
      (Coming to a
Ya know man, you're right. Excuse
me gentlemen. I gotta go make
someone jealous.
Joey leaves to go talk with women.


Not exactly what I was thinking,
but whatever.
That's right. I forgot you both
went out with Laura too.
Hell yeah. I fucked her one time
while the Titanic was going down.
It was awesome. She orgasmed like
10 times.
Dude, the Titanic snak like 70
years before you were born. So
even if I did believe that you
fucked her, which I don't, It
would have been impossible for you
to have done so on the Titanic.
Fuck that.
Eddie is just upset because that
is his favorite movie.
At least I don't have a boner for
Leo like you.
A bit of a pause while J.D. shrugs off the gay comment.
You dated her first right Colin?
Yeah. She was actually my first
real girlfriend. I dated her at
the beginning of freshmen year.
Freshman year was good times.
Remember that shit.
Hell yeah. I remember the first
day of high school.


Colin is sleeping on the couch at his house. It is the
morning before the first day of high school.
                       COLIN'S MOM
      (Shaking Colin
       speaking in a
       high pitched
Come on Precious. You gotta get
Colin rolls off the couch onto the floor. He gets up and
walks into the bathroom to shower still very groggy. He
closes the door and immediatley lies down on the ground of
the bathroom and begins sleeping.
Colin's Sister Eileen, his ride to school exits a bedroom
and walks to the bathroom door.
      (Pounding on the
Wake the fuck up bitch. I swear to
god I will leave your ass if you
aren't in the car in 5 minutes.
Is Mack here yet?
Camera cuts to Mack walking out the door of his house. He
walks about two house down the street and up the walk way to
Colin's house. He gets to the door and doesn't knock. He
just walks in. He sees Colin's Mom on the couch drinking
coffee and runs into Eileen as she is walking out the door.
                       COLIN'S MOM
Hi Justin.
      (Walking out the
Tell your fuck up of a friend that
if he is not in the car in the
next 2 minutes I am leaving you
Mack looks confused and doesn't know what to do. He looks
over at Colin's Mom.


                       COLIN'S MOM
Mack runs into the bathroom to see Colin still sleeping on
the floor of the bathroom. He picks him up and dresses him
completely by himself while Colin is asleep. He puts his
pants on, shoes, socks, shirt. He combs his hair and brushes
his teeth. All while Colin is lifelessly asleep.
      (Lightly slapping
       Colin in the
Come on motherfucker. Your sister
is leaving us.
Colin comes to, and both run for the door. Colin grabs his
      (Running out the
See you later mom.
                       COLIN'S MOM
Have a good day at school my
precious angel. Be safe.
The two make it to the car and jump through the passenger
side front and back windows as the car is leaving. The car
then speeds off.
The car pulls into a high school parking lot. The two get
out of the car and see J.D. and Eddie at the steps before
the entrance. Colin, the Narrator for this flahsback, speaks
over the action.
                       NARRATOR (Colin)
I remember pulling up in my
sisters car and we all met up at
the front
What's up you ambiguously gay duo.
You ready to do this shit boys.
Sho Nuff.


                       NARRATOR (Colin)
The school didn't even know what
hit them. I remember we were the
Let's go.
The 4 begin walking up the steps to the entrance with upbeat
music playing in background.
Boom! The camera cuts to double doors of the high school
flying open with a bright shining light in the background as
the 4 guys start a slow pimped out walk. They walk to the
music with a lot of pointing, winking, blowing kissses,
dancing, and making the gun guesture with the hands.
The music is cut abruptley as Mack is shoulder to the
      (Helping Mack up
       and petting his
       head in a loving
Awww. Come here my baby boy. My
little baby.
      (Angrily brushing
       away Colin's
This is bullshit bro. Dont these
high school kids know I was the
shit in Junior High.
The 4 continue walking. This time without the pointing and
Dude, you were a fucking merit
scholar and the class president.
That's not cool. You can't expect
to come in here the first day of
freshman year and have every guys
       starring at girls
       asses who have
       already passed.)
You may be right, but I'm not


                       MACK (cont'd)
worried about the guys right now.
(Pause). We are going to get so
much pussy here it is going to be
crazy. Look around.
      (To an attractive
       girl walking by.)
Hey pretty pretty. Come on pretty
      (Disgusted look
       from girl. She
       continues to
Hey lucky lady, you wanna kick it
      (No response. Mack
       turns around to
       and is talking to
       himself looking
       at the girl who
       has already
7? No, 7 is no good for me. I'm a
major athlete here at the school
and after practice I need to
shower and everything.
      (Continued silence)
Okay 8 sounds good. I'll pick you
up at your place. How do I get
       silence. Girl is
       farther away now
       so Mack begins
       yelling across
       the hall.)
It's cool. Ill find it. Don't
worry... I'll bring the Lube.
      (Onlookers become
Mack turns around and the 4 begin walking again.
Dude, you are not a major athlete.
We play fucking tennis.
She doesn't know that though.
You never cease to amaze me Mack.


      (Pulling out his
       waist line.)
Fuck. These means I gotta shave my
pubes tonight.
J.D. who is next to Mack begins a starring very intently at
Mack's crotch. His stare is unwavering. He does not blink,
he does not say anything. He never looks up for the rest of
the scene.
Dude, I didn't know you had pubes
already. I wanna see 'em.
      (Macking hand
       gestures around
       his crotch.)
Well, not so much over here, but I
got it coming in over here pretty
Well if you don't have so much,
then why are you taking about
shaving it.
Because my oversized friend,
chicks dont wanna blow a guy with
a lot of jungle down there, girls
dont like having to pick pubes out
of their teeth. It isnt cool. This
way she will think that I am
considerate. Considerate enough
for her to be fooled into fucking
The bell rings and the guys walk out of the scene.
There is just simply a Graphic. Black background with White
lettering that says "Laura." It looks kind of like the way
it does in Kill Bill when it is setting up the different


It goes back to the four at the party. At this point they
are playing beer pong. Colin and Mack are on one side and
Eddie and J.D. are on the other side.
Did you meet Laura on the first
day of school?
Naw, it was sometime in the fall
      (Takes a shot and
       makes it.)
Drink it!.
      (Colin and Mack
       high five.)
I dated her after you started
dating Lilia. At first I just
talked to her online because I was
too shy.
You? Shy? I have seen your ass
half a dozen times today.
I know right.
Camera fades to Laura flashback I while Ross is still
Colin and Laura are sitting next to eachother in class and
talking and laughing. Colin is narrarating over so you don't
hear what they are saying.
                       NARRATOR (Colin)
But eventually I started talking
and hanging out with her more.
Camera cuts to Colin and Laura walking down the hall.


                       NARRATOR (Colin)
Eventually I mustered up the
strength to hold her hand.
      (Colin reaches out
       and holds Laura's
       hand. They smile
       at eachother.)
After that things were good.
Camera cuts to Colin and Laura slow dancing to Bump and
Grind at a school dance.
                       NARRATOR (Colin)
She was my first kiss too. At the
Homecoming dance.
Colin and Laura kiss.
                       NARRATOR (Colin)
We broke up after a few months,
but it was a good start for me.
The four are still playing beer pong.
At the time I thought...
      (Eddie and J.D.
       make a cup.)
That's you.
      (Picks up the cup
       and chugs beer.)
At the time I thought that the
kiss was a big deal for both of
us. But now after hearing this
      (Elbowing Mack.)
And Joey talk I get the feeling
she is a little more freaky than I
Fuck yeah she was freaky.
Camera cuts to Mack's Laura flashback.


Mack and Laura are standing outside of a medium-sized party.
                       NARRATOR (Mack)
I rememeber It was like the end of
Sophmore year and we were dancing
at Matt's party. Remember that?
That's when I first hooked up with
      (Wiping face down.)
Holy shit is it hot in there.
      (Fanning face.)
I know. I need some fresh air.
The two sit down on a bench outside and Mack slyly puts his
arm around Laura.
      (Saying so out of
       the blue.)
Mack, I'm not wearing any
Mack is taking a drink of his beer at this time and once he
hears this he does a spit take. He then gets up and throws
his beer as far as he can, picks up Laura and puts her over
his shoulder. Running inside to a bedroom.
Camera cuts to Laura lying on bed moaning.
                       NARRATOR (Mack)
She let me go down on her. She was
looovvving it.
Then Mack undoes his pants.
                       NARRATOR (Mack)
Then she gave me head. I think she
was pretty impressed.
Mack's pants come all the way down.
      (Mouth agape and
Oh My God! Those are the biggest
balls I have ever seen!


Laura looks up at Mack and then goes for it.

Camera cuts back to Mack at Baker Bash.
Still playing beer pong. Each team is down to their last
      (Aside to Eddie)
It's hard to tell what if he's
telling the truth or not.
      (To Mack)
Well, did you guys even date at
all or did you just hook up with
      (Takes a shot.
We dated for a little bit. But not
as long as She and Joey dated. How
long was it Eddie like a year and
a half?
How should I know?
You're his brother you fat fuck.
      (Makes the final
       beer pong shot.)
Game bitches.
Thats right!
      (Mack and Colin
       high five.)
Joey seems to be doing pretty
well. I think I saw him talking to
Nancy earlier. They took off into
the bedroom down the hall.
Nice. She has a hot body. I'd like
ta take a bite outta her butt.


Just then the bedroom door swings open and this girl Nancy
storms out with Joey following sobbing like a little bitch
and holding several tissues.
      (Angry and Walking
God damn it. I was trying to give
you a courtesy fuck because I know
you are a good guy and everything
and I think its fucked up that
Laura broke up with you like she
did, but I don't wanna hear you
cry about it all night.
The four guys simultaneously slap their foreheads.
I'm sorry!
The four guys head over and grab Joey and start leading him
to the kitchen.
We gotta get him out of here
before Laura sees this. She will
eat this up.
We gotta get him drunk is what we
need to do.
Cuts to Mack and J.D. holding Joey's legs while he is doing
a keg stand. There is slow counting in the background.
How the fuck did she break up with
him anyway?
I think it is because she is
leaving for college and he is
staying here for his senior year.
I don't think she wanted to do a
long distance relationship.
Camera cuts to the final Laura flashback.


Laura and Joey and sitting in a car in front of Laura's
house. Laura is crying and Joey is also crying as usual.
I can't believe you are doing
I am sorry Joey. It is not that I
don't love you. I do. I appriciate
everything you do for me. It is
tough though. My parents have very
strict rules for me and they have
very high expectations. They
wanted me to be valedictorian and
I did. Now the bar is raised even
higher for when I go to college.
Stanford is a tough school and I
don't know if I am going to be
able to handle that and a long
distance relationship. I just
can't, and this is something that
is very important to me, so as
much as it pains me I have to end
things with you Joey. I am so
      (Kisses Joey on
       the cheek.)
I love you baby.
Laura gets out of the car and walks up to her door. Joey is
speechless for a long period.
      (Yelling as if he
       couldn't think of
       anything else to
Realizing that was pretty lame, Joey hits his head a few
times on the steering wheel, puts the car in drive, and
takes off.
The camera stays in one place as you see the car drive off.
It then cuts back to Baker Bash.


The group except for Colin is sitting around a table.
Colin walks up with a bottle of Jaegermister and 5 shot
      (Pouring shots and
       passing out
Alright boys its that time. let's
do it.
All raise their shot glasses.
They all hit their glasses together and take the shot.
And to Joey not acting like a
pussy anymore.
Go fuck yourself.
       throwing hand
       down pants and
God damn it you nasty bastard.
Colin stops and all laugh. They take a seat again. Colin
pulls a deck of cards from his back pocket.
Let's play some cards boys.
      (Grabbing the deck
       from Colin)
Fuck you. You aren't shuffling
after you just had your hand on
your dick.


The same graphic appears but this time it says "Lilia."
Indicating we are done with the Laura storyline and will
begin talking about another girl.
The 5 are sitting around a table playing Kings Cup.
Joey pulls a card.
What does a Queen mean.
Questions baby!
Basically you start off by looking
at someone and asking a question.
That person has to, without
answering that question, look at
someone else and ask a totally
unrelated question. The idea is to
say totally fucked up shit to
screw the person up. If you either
laugh or take too long you have to
I just gotta ask a question?
      (To J.D.
umm..umm.. What's your favorite
      (To Mack)
Did you steal my K.O. Pectate?
      (To Colin)
Why do you fuck down syndrome


      (To Eddie)
Why do I like to suck off Dr.
Martin Luther King?
      (To Joey)
Why do I want to fuck your dad?
Dude that is fucked up! Thats your
dad too!
Haha! Drink!
      (Taking a drink)
That's fucked up.
      (While Mack is
       pulling a card)
You can't fuck with us in
questions. That is one thing we
are good at.
      (Pulling an 8.)
8. Social
      (Rasing their cans
       to the center)
Social. Cho Cho.
      (Hesitating to
       pull his card.)
There is only one king left right?
Yup. You get the 4th king you
drink the Kings cup.
      (Standing up and
       yelling loudly)
J.D. pulls the fourth king.


All yell, celebrate, and exhcange high fives.
J.D. picks up the oversized kings cup and chugs it down.
Ya know guys, after talking about
the whole Laura sitaution, it got
me thinking....We have all been
with a lot of the same girls. Its
actually kinda fucked up once you
look at it. You remember Lilia?
      (Finishing his cup)
That's right you and Mack dated
her. And you liked her for a while
right Colin?
Yeah, I tried twice to get her.
Both times these assholes got her.
After Mack dated her I sort of
gave up on the whole thing.
      (Patting both Mack
       and Eddie on the
It's all good though I still love
you guys. You won her fair and
square anyway.
Yeah, I remember it was one of the
first days of school freshman year
and we saw her and sat on both
sides of her simultaneously
hitting on her.
Camera cuts to Flashback
Mack and Colin are all walking into a classroom. We join
them in the middle of their conversation.
....Yeah, So its called a a
steaming dragon. Becuase when you
Karate chop them in the neck it
comes out of their nose, and...


      (Interrupting Mack)
Hold that thought Pussy King. I
found her. My beautiful Mexican
She looks Cuban B.
It doesn't matter.
      (After Lilia moves
       slightly for Ross
       to see Eddie is
       sitting next to
       her. J.D. is next
       to Eddie.)
Ah, damn, Eddie is already talking
to her. Well fuck it. He can put
his dick back in it's holster. I
got it covered.
      (Pats Mack on the
       back and sits
       next to Lilia.
       Mack sits next to
      (To Lilia.)
Hello my beautiful sunset. I am
Eddie. That is a lovely fragrance
you are wearing is it...???
Its Calvin Klien. Thanks. I am
Lilia. Nice to meet you.
       Saying very
       slowly and
Ya know,...(sigh)...I can stick my
whole fist in my mouth.
Colin slowly and sensually sticks his fist in his mouth.
Lilia is strangely amused and laughs.
That's nice


                       LILIA (cont'd)
      (Extending hand
       for handshake)
I'm Lilia.
      (With fist still
       in mouth)
I'm Colin (mumbled)
      (Takes hand out of
       mouth, shakes
       Lilia's hand with
       his saliva soaked
       hand, and
I'm Colin
Lilia has a disgusted look on her face as she wipes her hand
off on her pants. Eddie begins talking again.
Ma Lady. may I take a look at your
schedule. (Takes schedule) Oh my
it appears that we have 3 classes
together. We will become such good
friends. We could study together
at eachothers houses and
everything. (Bell Rings) Come, we
have first period together. Let me
carry your books.
      (Getting up and
       leaving with
Alright. (To Colin). Nice meeting
you Ross. I'll see you later.
J.D. gets up and moves over next to Colin.
      (With a shocked
God damn. How does he get away
with that game. He sounds like
fucking medevil guy.
I know dude, if I were her I
wouldn't fuck Eddie for practice.
      (Not looking at
       either of the


                       MACK (cont'd)
       two. Just blowing
       kisses and
       winking across
       the room)
Is J.D. talking about fucking guys
I mean how does that sweet talk
work so well, and sticking your
fist in your mouth doesn't impress
her at all.
      (Still blowing
Is J.D. taking about fisting and
sticking things in his mouth
God damn it! I can't win!
The three get up and start walking out of the classroom.
Don't worry about it, there are
plenty other fine ass bitches here
that you could hump instead of
that Cuban broad.
      (Passing very
       unattractive girl
       with mangled
Like this snaggle-toothed bitch.
Snaggle Tooth gets up and swings Mack by the arm into the
chalkboard as if it were a wrestler swinging an opponent
into the ropes.
      (Checking face for
What the fuck lady! Don't get
pissed at me because I won't let
you fuck me. I bet your vertical


                       MACK (cont'd)
smile looks like your horizontal
Snaggle tooth takes a few steps back. Puts finger in mouth
checking the wind and field goal kicks Mack in the nuts.
Colin helps Mack up similar to the way he did earlier.
      (Lovingly petting
       Mack's head)
You're okay. You're okay buddy.
That's it.
The 5 guys are still playing cards.
We only dated for a couple months.
Mack picked up on my sloppy
Bullshit. You didn't even do
anything with her.
I wasn't even trying to date her.
It was over the summer and Colin
was talking to her online and over
the phone a lot.
Yeah, by the time I finally asked
her out she said she liked Mack.
It was bullshit I think on her
part to lead me on like that. But
I can't really blame Mack for
going for it. She had some tig ol'
Camera cuts to Mack flashback.


Shows a short montage of boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. Them
holding hands, kissing, laughing together, posing for
homecoming picture, etc.
                       NARRATOR (Mack)
Yeah, that was true, she did have
a huge rack. We didn't really seem
to date all that long either. I
know I started dating her at the
beginning of Sophmore year, I took
her to the Homecoming dance, and
after that we broke up. Don't feel
bad though Colin, Eddie didn't get
any from her, and I didn't even
get to appriciate those funbags of
hers. You weren't missing out on
Camera cuts abruptly to Eddie at the party.
Still playing cards.
Whoa. Whao. Whao. Hold up there
turbo. Don't you remember the
summer before Junior year?
Oh shit, thats right. You sick
What happened?
Dude, you don't remember. She came
over to my old place and Eddie
went down on her in the jacuzzi.
Thats right. I remember you
telling us about it.


Lilia is in a bathing suit sitting on the edge of jacuzzi
moaning while Eddie is in between her legs.
                       NARRATOR (Eddie)
Yeah, J.D. and I talked her in to
coming over to go hot tubbin' and
eventually I had to kick J.D. out
of his own jacuzzi to do my thing.
Cut back to party.
I didn't ever go back in that
jacuzzi. I am afraid of what
juices are still in there.
Dude, the hot water would kill any
Did she give you head afterwards?
      (Cutting in.)
Dude, you know better than that.
It is a common fact that Eddie
goes down on chicks and then
afterwards they are don't feel
like giving him head. He never
gets oral sex. Common fact.
Suck my balls.
Ya know if it weren't for my huge
cock I would have been the first
to lose their virginity.
But instead you are still a virgin
and even I beat you.
Yeah thats fucked up. You younger
brother fucked Laura and you are
still a virgin.


Fuck you both. She wanted to. We
rented a hotel room and everything
for both of us to lose our
virginity, but it wouldn't fit.
      (In a very mocking
Fuck that. I don't buy it that you
have a magical dick that is to
large for the vagina. I just think
she was bored after you went down
on her and wasn't into it. Ya
Yeah bro, if I were you I wouldn't
have given up so easily I would
have tried harder.
Camer cuts to final Lilia flashback.
Eddie and Lilia are at the front desk of a hotel checking
into a room.
Alright Sir you are in Room 1154.
Enjoy your stay.
Thanks a lot.
The two begin walking as Eddie narrates over it.
                       NARRATOR (Eddie)
Yeah, she called me up the night
before and was telling me about
how it was time to lose our
virginity and that I was one of
her first boyfriends, and she
trusted me, blah blah blah. So she
wanted to do it with me. I was
pretty stoked. Half becuase I was
going to have sex, and have
becuase I would shut you assholes
up who say I would be the last to
have sex. I bought the hotel room
and we got the key and we made it
up to the hotel room. We fooled


                       NARRATOR (cont'd)
around a little bit and then it
Cut to Eddie lying over Lilia sweating profusely and with a
troubled look on his face.
It....It doesn't fit. I cant....
      (Reaching down
       squinting one
Let me see. It doesn't seem.
It seems kinda dry down there.
Ya know, you're right...
      (Rolling over.)
Oh well. We can give it a shot
Eddie still on his hands and knees has a shocked look on his
                       NARRATOR (Eddie)
We didn't try again. She never
gave me another chance. It was
Cut back to party.
Playing cards.
Cock tease.
The best part about that story is
what we did to your car.
What did you guys do?
We shoe polished the fuck out of
his car because we thought he was
going to get laid. Ya know how


                       MACK (cont'd)
people do that shit on birthday's
where they write happy birthday
and shit on your car in shoe
polish. We did it for him losing
his virginity, or so we thought.
That's right I remember seeing
that. That was funny shit.
Cut to the picture of the back of an SUV. It says "Have You
Seen My Virginity?" on the back Window.

Cut to the driver side. It says " Popped My Cherry" on the
side windows.

Cut to the passanger side. It says "No More V-Card."

Cut to Front Window. There are baloons tied to the antenna.
It has a big circle around where the drivers head should be
with an arrow pointing to it. It says, "Just Had Sex."
You fucking assholes. I had to
drive her home in that car after
we didn't have sex. It was
Cut breifly to the two drivng along in the car. The view is
from outside the windshielf so you can see the writing on
it. They are sitting in complete silence.

Cut back to party.
Maybe if you weren't such a fat
ass you wouldn't be going to
college a virgin.
Screw you Fat Joe, you are fatter
than I am. Besides, I'd rather be
the last to lose my virginity than
the first to lose it but have to
lose it to a lesbian who looks
like a 13 year old boy.
      (Slamming cards on
       the table.)
God damn it. Why the hell do we
gotta bring this shit up


That was the original Baker Bash
right? That was a fucking crazy
Cut to Original Baker Bash Flashback.
J.D. and Eddie are walking up to a large party with a lot of
music and noise. Near the walkway Mack is on a bench with a
girl on his lap until he throws up to the side. The girl
gets up and leaves. J.D. narrates the action.
                       NARRATOR (J.D.)
Eddie and I showed up a little
late. Once we got there it was
crazy. We walked up on Mack right
away, and we were shocked to see a
girl on his lap. That didn't last
long though.
Mack throws up. Girl leaves.
Oh, come on ba...
Mack throws up again. J.D. chimes back in as narrator.
                       NARRATOR (J.D.)
We made it up to the front to see
Baker in his usual party atire.
Baker answered the door as he did earlier with the penguin
outfit, hat, glasses, supersoaker, and cigar.
      (Hugging Eddie and
Boys, Boys. Welcome to Baker Bash.
You know the drill. Head on in.
Thanks a lot Baker.
Eddie and J.D. walk into the party.


Once we made it in we were able to
see that Colin was in his element.
J.D. and Eddie see a crowd surrounding Colin. He is
shirtless and taking his pants off singing the lyrics to
Back That Azz Up. J.D. and Eddie laugh.
Cut back to the present day party.
No more cards. Mack is pouring 5 more shots of Jaeger.
I don't know what the fuck I was
thinking, and I don't know how the
fuck it happened.
All 5 grab their shot glasses and clink them together.
The guys take their shots. Joey is noticabely drunk at this

Cut to back to OBB flahsback.
Mack is having sex in the missionary position. Camera shows
his face as if it were through the lesbians eyes. Mack
narrates over the action.
                       NARRATOR (Mack)
Ya know when you are really horny
and you would fuck anything. Then
you do something dumb and once you
have gotten the demons out of your
system you start to think more
clearly? Well that is what
happened here. I was so eager to
have sex that I would have fucked
anything. She was for some reason
willing so I went for it. Then
when I finished the deed. I
started thinking....
Mack orgasms. Looks down
What the fuck is the matter with


Mack rolls over. Cut to Mack walking down the hall way back
to the party. Colin sees him.
      (Running up to
       Mack and putting
       his arm around
       him. In a drunken
Heeyyy motherfucker. Where the
fuck have you been?
I fucked a lesbian
I fucked a lesbian
That's fucking awesome man. You
are the first to lose your
virginity and to a lesbian. You
fucking pimp!
Lesbian comes out of the room and stands looking through the
crowd for someone.
No man. It is not fucking awesome.
That is the lesbian I fucked.
      (Points to lesbian)
      (Looking squinty
I don't see her. Is she behind
that 13 year old boy over there.
      (Reall upset)
Dude, the 13 year old boy IS the
lesbian man.


Dude, that doesn't make any
fucking sen...
      (Realizing what it
       is going on. Eyes
       wide open.)
Ohhhh.....(pause) Fuck (scatching
head). Alright man.
      (Puts arm around
       Mack and they
       begin to walk.)
Let's go get you another drink.
Cut back to Baker Bash
Mack and J.D. are playing quarters at this point while the
others are drinking beers. Again, Joey is noticabley drunk.
Isn't that when you invented your
trademark move?
Shut the fuck up.
                       ALL (Except Mack and Joey)
      (Making the Swirly
       hand guesture.
       Two fingers on
       each hand spread
       apart swirling
(High Pitched Voice) SWIRLY!
Okay. I got a few things to say
about that. 1. There is no way
that that actually happened. There
is no way you can "swirly" some
girl who is a virgin. 2. I think
you are a sick fuck to even think
of doing something like that. I
mean come on that has to be one
gian pussy.
Even a bigger pussy than you.


Shut up J.D. you are gay.
Yeah, I can admit that was a bad
lie. And a disguting one at that.
But I've done better since then. I
have dated a lot of good looking
Yeah. You came around and got up
all my seconds.
Fuck you fattie. You weren't going
to do anything with them but watch
Beaches, braid their hair, and
talk about feelings. They need an
actual man after you.
He's right.
We've dated a lot of the same
girls. It is actually pretty
Cut to Mack and Eddie montage.
There is a montage of about 6-7 different girls. First you
see them with Eddie, then the next seen you see them with
Mack. Mack and Eddie list off the names of the girls as they
There was Valarie
And Terri
And Rebekah
Then there was Jen.
And Kelly too.


And you dated Chivon too right.
Cut back to the party.
You guys are a bunch of man
I'm gonna go have a smoke...anyone
Sure, why not.
I'm comin'
Let's go Eddie. We aren't going to
leave you in here by yourself.
Let's go smoke.
      (Getting up.)
I'm not gonna smoke, but I'll
watch you guys.
All walk outside.
The same graphic appears this time saying Diana. Telling the
audience that focus is being shifted to a new girl.
J.D., Colin, Mack, and Joey are outside smoking cigarettes
with Eddie talking with them.
Diana was another complicated


No kiddin' To tell that story you
probablly gotta back up to went I
was dating Adrienne.
Cut to Adrienne flashback.
Several different clips of Colin and Adrienne doing
different stuff relating to band. Watching performance from
the stands. Playing saxophone. Other stuff like that. Colin
                       NARRATOR (Colin)
We were in band together and it
wasn't until Sophmore year that I
finally asked her out. My second
real girlfriend If you're keeping
count. Anyway we broke up after
about 3 or 4 months becuase she
was kinda shy and we couldn't
really go out to parties or
When it starts talking about breaking up the two are
obviously arguing about something. Colin is standing in the
doorway of her room, Adrienne is on the bed. Once the dialog
of the narrator stops Colin closes the door and leaves.
You are kinda shy and we can't go
out to parties or anything!
Cut back to the three guys outside.
I thought we were talking about
We are. Diana comes in after Mack
and I went after her and she
realized he is a man whore and
dated me instead.
Yeah, you were a dick of a
boyfriend to her though. I


                       COLIN (cont'd)
remember you bought Joey chicken
nuggets because he talked her into
blowing you.
Cut to Diana flashback
Colin, Joey, J.D. and Diana are sitting in the living room
of Eddie and Joey's house.
      (To Diana)
I think you should just do it. You
are going to have to do it
eventually, plus I get chicken
nuggets out if it if you do.
You are so easily bribed.
      (Standing up and
       giving in.)
Alright fine. I need a hair tie.
Joey gets up and runs to find a rubberband while J.D. has a
excited look on his face.
Joey comes back with the rubberband and hands it off to
Diana. She puts her hair up and leads J.D. by the hand into
the other room.
Come on lets go.
Colin and Joey excitedly jump up and down.
The door shuts and Colin and Joey run up and put their ears
against the door to hear what is happening.
This is awesome man.
I know dude, I get chicken
No you fatass. That someone is
getting a blowjob. He is going to
be the second one of us.


      (Licking his
       chops, obviously
       thinking about
       chicken nuggets)
Changes to the view inside the room. J.D. is sitting on the
bed. Diana is on her knees at the foot of the bed.
I'm not really sure how to do
I not sure either, regardless of
what the other guys have told you.
      (Takes his pants
Just give it a shot.
Cut to several minutes later when the door swings open
dropping Joey and Colin to the floor who were still
listening inside. J.D. comes out very proudly
      (Raising his fist
       into the air)
Come on, we are going to
      (Getting up
Kick ass.
Cut to Colin and Diana at a table studying.
                       NARRATOR (J.D.)
Okay, I can admit it that that was
pretty fucked up and I was kind of
a dick to her, but Colin was even
a bigger dick.
                       NARRATOR (Eddie)
Yeah, but not to her.
                       NARRATOR (Colin)
No, No, No, he's right man. What I
did was totally fucked up.


      (Looking up from
       his book
This project is a pain in the
fucking ass.
Hey, are you sure J.D. doesn't
mind us doing this project
Ya know I don't really care what
he thinks. He has been mean to me
lately. I mean today is
Valentine's Day and he doesn't
come to school, he doesn't call
me, he doesn't get me anything. I
just doesn't seem to care about me
at all.
That sucks.
What about you? Where is your
Well ever since Adrienne and I
broke up a couple months ago I
haven't had that much luck with
the ladies.
What happened with you two anyway?
Well she was just a little too shy
and she always seemed upset and
uncomfortable. I need a girl who
is more sociable and more
independent. I need a girl kinda
like you I think.
Uncomfortable laughing on both parts.


Ya know it's funny. I am in kind
of a dilemna too.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, you see I got this boyfriend
and he doesn't treat me so well.
And he has this cute friend who is
really nice to me.
Yeah, and I think I would rather
have him be my boyfriend.
That is a dilemna.
      (Leaning in.)
The two kiss and then it cuts back to Baker Bash.
The five are now at the table inside with dice playing the
drinking game three man.
You ARE a dick.
I know, I know. I was a complete
asshole. After she broke up with
you that night We dated secretly
for like 3 months before prom came
up and I told you I was taking


Yeah, I didn't really care that
you were dating her, but it was
when it was your 6 months
anniversery and I did the math of
how long ago 6 months was I was
fucking furious. You are both
fucking morons for not picking a
different date.
What are ya gonna do. I remember
our drunken conversation the night
you figured it out though.
Cut to J.D.'s realization flashback.
There is a small get together in an apartment. Everyone is
obviously drunk. J.D. is sitting on the couch and Colin is
standing up, he doesn't have a shirt on.
Colin heads over to the couch were J.D. is sitting.
(As a note all conversation in this scene is in a drunken
What the fuck are you doing over
here by yourself man...
Not much man, just sitting.
Well no shit man, but what ARE you
Jshust kickin it, ya know
(unintelligble mumbling)
I'm fucking glad I decided to come
tonight. I was just gonna go home
after I dropped Diana off after
      (Suddenly alert.)
HEY!...I did the math!


What the fuck are you talking
You fucking know I did it. I
figured it out.
I am not understanding a one word
you are saying.
I know when your anniversery was.
It was Valentines day you cock. I
      (Noticably upset)
Holy shit dude. Dude I am fucking
sorry man.
Naw, naw, naw, its okay man I dont
care now.
Dude, It was totally fucked up
what we did. I should have said
something. I should have told you.
Naw, its okay. I was pissed off
when I figured it out at work, but
now i understand.
I was an asshole, you two are
better for eachother anyway. I am
happy for you.
Colin hugs J.D.
I can't believe you man. I was a
total dick to you... You are a
good man, man.


You're my boy. Ya know I could
tell she liked you from the
beginning anyway. Its okay.
Wow. You are incredible. I fucking
love you bro.
Bros before Hoes baby.
Cut back to the party.
Still playing three man.
I can't even tell you enough man,
you are an incredible dude for not
killing me dead for that shit. I
really appriciate you
No problem man.
Boo Hoo Hoo. Blah Blah Blah. How
the fuck am I supposed to get over
a girlfriend sitting here talking
with you guys.
Remember, you already tried that
and you couldnt keep the water
works under control.
Well fuck it. I have had some
drinks. I am feeling much better
now. I am going to the dance
Joey gets up and leaves. Mack stands up also.
Ya know, Im gonna go be his
wingman. He can't do this alone,
he'll embarrass himself.


      (Looking very
Dude, thats fucked up. I thought I
was your wingman.
      (Pointing to
Best friend. Right here.
I just gotta help him out. He is
really fucked up. You know I love
you buddy. I made that card for
you remember? the one made out of
construction paper with sparkles
that said "heterosexual life
partners forever" on it. I gave it
to you when you were upset becuase
you accidentally sat on a pickle
and thought that you had to be
gay. Remember?
Yeah, I remember. That was nice.
But if I see Joey with a sparkly
card, Im gonna be super pissed
      (Patting Colin on
       the back.)
Alright buddy.
Mack leaves.
There is a bit of silence.
Anyway. But yeah after you found
out about the two of us shit got a
little crazy though.
      (To J.D.)
Yup, You and Addriene.
Cut back to another flashback.


Diana and Adrienne are running cross country together and
talking as J.D. narrates over.
                       NARRATOR (J.D.)
Yup, It got crazy once I started
dating Adrienne. It was like a
fucking girlfriend swap.
I think that is so cute that you
and J.D. are dating now.
Yeah, he is really sweet. Not like
when you two were dating.
Yeah, I noticed that. He must like
you a lot more than he liked me.
Actually, I get the feeling that
he still likes you. He talks about
you all time. It kinda sucks.
What? I don't think so. We are
just friends now. It's great.
Cut back to the party.
The three are standing on one side of a table filing up
plastic cups with beer.
Shit got bad though evetually, As
you know. She was too damn clingy.
Cut to Diana Clingy Montage
There are several shots of Colin doing things with Diana
just a step behind. Colin is noticably more annoyed with
every passing scene. Colin narrates over the first few


                       NARRATOR (Colin)
It was fucking crazy man. I saw
her when we first got to school.
      (Colin and Diana
       meet at the
       stairs of the
We had first period together.
      (Colin is sitting
       in a chair taking
       notes while Diana
       sits next to him
       longingly at him.)
We walked to second period
      (Colin and Diana
       holding hands
       walking through
       the halls as
       Colin talks with
       the other guys.)
We had third period together
      (Colin is again
       sitting as Diana
       scoots her chair
       over and hold
       Colin around the
       bicep and leans
       her head on his
We had lunch together.
      (Colin is eating
       lunch while Diana
       is talking to
       Colin's friends.)
I had 5th and 6th periods
      (Quick shots of
       the two sitting
       together in two
       more classes.)
Then should would come over after
school to hang out with us.
      (Colin, J.D.,
       Mack, and Joey
       are playing video
       games with Diana
       cheering in the
       background. All
       look annoyed.)
Then after everyone would leave,
she would stay until 10pm when I


                       NARRATOR (cont'd)
would take her home.
      (Show the two in
       the car and Diana
       sadly kisses
       Colin goodbye and
       gets out of the
       car. Colin lets
       out a big sigh
       when she gets
Cut back to the party.
The three are standing at the table still with one hand
behind their back and the other on the table.
Jesus Christ dude, I didn't
realize it was that bad.
A bottle cap is tossed into the air and it (in slow motion)
drops to the table.
      (To Eddie)
Eddie begins chugging his beer.
Yeah dude, it was pretty
disgusting to watch all that shit.
Eddie begins trying to flip his cup over.
Yeah man, thats what led to the
breakup. I couldn't fucking
breathe. She would get pissed if I
wanted to spend time with you
guys. She demanded 100% of my
attention. I need my space
man....But you made out pretty
well you fucking cassanova.
Eddie flips his cup successfully and Colin begins chugging
his beer.


Yeah dude, how long did you even
wait after they broke up before
you asked her out again.
Colin finishes his cup and begins flipping.
It was only like a day or two.
Cut to J.D. and Diana flashback.
J.D. is consoling a crying Diana at her house.
      (Giving Diana a
It's okay. It will be okay.
Sometimes it may seem like your
life is over, but you just gotta
move on.
I can't. I love him so much. He is
my world. I don't know what to do.
Look I know Colin is a good guy,
but there are others. You are a
pretty girl, you won't have any
problem.I mean it has been over a
month now. It is not healthy to
still be this broken up about it.
I just don't know what to do.
You know what, I wasn't going to
say anything, but I can't help
myself....I love you.
You what?
I do. I know I was a terrible
boyfriend to you. I stole your
innocence. I was a total dick. I


                       J.D. (cont'd)
know that. But I have spent
everyday since we broke up
regretting the way I acted. I cant
blame you for leaving me. I can't
blame Colin for stealing you away
from me. You deserve to be treated
better. I want to spend every day
making that up to you. I want you
to be me girl again.
J.D. I dont know. I am still
completely and totally infatuated
with Colin.
I know that, all I want is another
chance. If at any time you want
out you can get out. If Colin ever
wants to take you back you can go
back to him. But I think that we
have something and I think that if
you give me one more chance you
will see that it was me that was
the one for you all along.
...If he ever wants to take me
back I will go back to him.
That's okay. That's a start. Come
on now. Wipe those tears.
Cut back to the Baker Bash.
Colin just flips his cup over.
J.D. begins chugging his beer.
      (To Eddie)
Yeah, I can't really blame him. I
did worse. Its all good. Where is
she though? I thought she was
gonna head over here tonight.


J.D. flips his cup over and immediately takes his fist and
smashes the plastic cup.
      (With Authority)
The three begin celebrating. Jumping up and down and hugging
and yelling. J.D. is uncomfortably touchy with the other two
and the celebration soon ends abruptly.
Dude, you are fucking gay. How do
you have a girlfriend?
      (From offscreen)
Cut to Diana running frantically to the group of guys. SHe
jumps and J.D. and wraps both legs around his waist and
kisses him several times on the face.
Did you win honey?
Hell yeah we won.
      (Getting off of
Hey guys.
Hey Diana.
      (To J.D.)
Hey honey, Susie and I just came
by to say hi. We are going to head
over to another party to meet up
with some other friends. okay?
Thats fine honey. Ill see you
tomorrow. I am gonna head over to
your place after we see Colin off
Okay baby. Ill see you then
      (Kisses J.D.


                       DIANA (cont'd)
       goodbye. Goes and
       gives Colin a big
EEEEHHHHH!!!! You have a great
time in college okay? You'll do
great things, I know it.
You got it. You take care of this
guy while I'm gone alright.
Of course I will.
      (She gives a less
       enthusiastic hug
       to Eddie)
Ill see you later right? when do
you leave?
I'm here all summer so Im sure Ill
see you around.
Where is Joey and Mack? Did they
not come?
Yeah, they came. Joey drove us.
They took off somewhere.
We then cut quickly to check in on Mack and Joey.
Mack and Joey are surrounded by a large crowd of people
Chugging and unknown alcoholic drink from a plastic cup. The
crowd is chanting "Go, Go, Go!" as the two finish and slam
their cups on the ground.
Cut back to the other guys.
Joey drove you? Has he been
Hell yeah. He is hammered.
Cut back to Joey


Joey is now sitting down with Baker in his penguin outfit
talking philosphy.
      (Very drunkenly.)
You see to understand the meaning
of our existence of life in the
solar system you first gotta
understand why we even exist in
the first place. Logically its
like you look at the stars and
stuff and you think god could be
thinking "Lets put people there or
lets just exist people on planet
earth." Therefore its like you
reason that god wants me to be
happy and live life here. And if
he didn't want me to live the
happy life than he wouldn't have
had Laura break up with me, but he
did so that means that he does
want me to be happy other than the
way I thought he was thinking of
me to be happy. Because god is
like the man and he could do
whatever he wanted to do. I mean
he didn't even need to take a
break after six days of making
planets. He could have not taken a
break and like made some new
animals and shit, but he was like
naw, thats good so far and ill
just leave the stars up there and
planets to be in the sky and there
doesnt have to be people to live
on there and live the meaning of
life. I can just put them there so
Joey can look at them, ya know?
Cut back to the other guys.
Ham boned.
Well how do you geniuses plan on
getting home then.
Good point.


What about Mack, has he been
Cut to Mack.
There are many people dancing on a dance floor dancing.
There is music playing.

The music cuts abruptly and the crowd splits in half. Mack
comes skipping through the middle naked singing Biz Markie's
"You Got What I Need"
      (Making his way
       through the
      (now heading out
       the door)
Cut back, once again, to the other guys.
Eh. We'll figure it out. We'll
walk or something. It is not that
far and It'll sober us up.
Be careful.
Don't worry, we'll be fine.
Alright...well Ill see you boys
later. Bye Baby.
Diana skips off. Colin, J.D., and Eddie begin heading back


Ya see. How the fuck does that
work. I stop dating her and she
gets all independent all of a
I don't know what to tell ya.
I gotta say it is great not having
a girlfriend. Having the
opportunity to hook up with
whoever I want is an amazing
Yeah but you don't get the
consistent sex. That is big.
That is also true, but I'll tell
you this. For every hot girl out
there, there is a guy who is tired
of fucking her. I do miss the sex
whenever I wanted it, but I enjoy
the freedom more.
Fuck you guys.
Ahh...Eddie, don't be upset.
You'll get there buddy. Just
because your younger brother beat
you to the promise land is no
reason to beat yourself up.
Fuck you. Mack beat all of us. How
about that.
We all know that Mack's sitation
in losing his virginity first was
strickly a technicality. Everyone
knows that the consumation of mine
and Diana's relationship was the
first real sex of our group.
Cut to Colin and Diana sex flashback.


Colin and Diana are lying in the grass of a park at night.
Colin is on top of Diana and they are making out heavily.
J.D. and Mack are in the somewhat distant backround throwing
a football around.
I am so pissed of that hotel room
thing fell through. I really want
to do it.
      (Looking down at
       Colin's crotch.)
I can tell....I don't really want
it to be planned though I just
want it to happen.
      (The two begin
       kissing agin for
       a brief
       moment.Diana then
       pulls back very
       worked up.)
Mmmm....I would probablly do it
right now if we had a condom...
      (Wide Eyed and
      (Reaching into his
       back pocket for
       his wallet)
Well....It just so happens....That
I have one in my wallet.
Really? Hmmm....Well, what about
      (Points to Mack
       and J.D. in the


      (Getting up.)
Don't worry Ill take care of
Colin runs franticly over to the two playing catch and
arrives out of breath.
You guys.....hey...
Whats up dude.
Can....you..guys do me a favor...
What's up bro.
Give me 30 mintutes...can you take
off for 30 minutes?
      (Realizing the
Right....Yeah, we'll take off.
Thanks guys...30 minutes can you
come back and pick us up?
You sure you need that long??
Proablly not, but just in case.
      (Shaking Colin's
Alright bro, Good luck. See ya in
a few.
Mack and J.D. walk to Mack's car, get in and drive off.
Colin runs franticly again back to Diana.
      (Out of Breath.)
Alright, Let's do it.


Alright, where do you wanna do it.
Well its darker over there you
wanna go there?
The two walk over to a darker corner of the empty park and
the two lay down and begin kissing. Diana's shirt comes off
followed by the bra. Colin takes his own shirt off and lays
it down for Diana to lay on.
Here you go...
Both pants begin to get unbuckled. Colin grabs his wallet as
he takes his pants off and takes out the condom.
      (Pulling out the
You ready?
The condom wrapper is worn as if it had been in his wallet
since he learned about sex.
      (Reaching down as
       a "guide" for
Insertion occurs. We have close ups of both faces. Diana's
face is a cross between pain and surprise. Colin has a
shit-eating grin on his face as he begins pumping.
      (Within the first
       few seconds.)
Is that...I mean are we...
      (Begins frantacly
       pumping again and


                       COLIN (cont'd)
Im just kidding. I just wanted to
see what you would do...
Only you would be making jokes
during this.
      (Still pumping.)
Sex with me is like an adventure.
It is more than just pleasure, it
is entertainment.
Diana laughs.
What the hell is that...
      (Puts finger to
       her lips.)
Shhh!! I am making animal love
making sounds...
I love you baby, but you are
Yeah, I know...
Cut to the two lying down.
How was it?
It was different than I thought it
was going to be. I kinda hurt.


I hear it doesn't hurt as much the
more you do it.
Soo....I mean just for your
sake...becuase I don't want you to
feel pain...I mean we should
probablly do this a lot then...
Yup...I guess so...
Car lights off in the distance.
      (Putting on his
Alright baby, they are back...
Diana is starring off into space...
Diana! You ready? You gotta put
your clothes on.
      (Coming to. Then
       putting clothes
       back on.)
I am sorry. I'm just kinda out of
I have been told I have that
      (Slapping him in
       the arm.)
Shut up...
Cut to a view from the car of the two walking up. Colin has
another shit-eating grin on his face and the two walk hand
in hand and get in the car.
Cut back to the Party.
Same graphic appears with the name Eileen on it.


The three are outside now just standing as Mack comes
running up with a case of beers and a couple roles of duct
      (Slurring his
Hey guys. I got game.
No you don't.
I got A game.
Dude, we have already played every
game imaginable already.
Not this one dude.
Where is Joey?
He went to another room with some
other chick. Cindy, on the JV
cheer squad. Very choice.
Cut to Joey. He is dancing like an idiot on the dance floor.
He goes up to a girl and without words the two begin
      (Smacking her on
       the ass.)
You dirty bitch!
      (Turning around
Excuse me...
      (Recognizes Joey.)


Oh my god, you look like hell.
Listen, I heard about Laura and
everything. I'm sorry.
How are you taking it? Is there
anything I could....um...do...for
Joey doesn't really respond. He just just drunkenly sways.
Cindy grabs him by his hand and leads him off the dance
Cut back the the guys outside.
What happened to you man? I
thought you were Joey's wingman.
Where is your chick?
I started hooking up with some
Bosnian chick, but then she took
      (Under his breath)
How the fuck do you even know what
Bosnian looks like?
Just fucking hold this.
      (Gives Colin the
       case of beer. He
       pulls out four
       beers and hands
       them to J.D. and
       begins duct
       taping them as
       the 3 continue


J.D., how does it make you feel
that your girlfriend lost her
virginity to Colin? I mean its
seems like it doesn't even bother
you to hear about it.
Its no big deal. I mean I fucked
his sister.
You motherfucker. I should have
been the one to have sex with her.
Dude, you can't have sex. I have
come to that conclusion that you
are incapable....Okay, there is
one way. You could possibly get
laid if we were to get a willing
girl to take her clothes off.
Strip you down and physically push
your ass. That would be the only
Screw you.
      (Continuing with
       his tape job.)
I could have hooked up with her.
Dude, we already established that
you couldn't with your stupid bet.
Remember you bet us all 10 bucks
that you could hook up with her
last summer and you didn't.
Fuck that. I would have hooked up
with her if you hadn't told her
about the damn thing.
Dude, she is like your sister. No
way she would hook up with you.


Like I said man, I got jipped. I
was the first to date her and I
barely got anything.
Cut to Eileen/Eddie Flashback.
Colin and J.D. are walking down the hall of school when
Eddie runs up suddenly.
Hey Colin, I gotta ask you
What's up bro.
Dude, you know I have been talking
to your sister lately and I think
we have made a connection? I get
your permission to ask her out.
Now I know she is your sister
Yeah dude. Its fine.
Are you sure dude, I mean I will
treat her good and everything.
I don't give a shit man. You need
to get laid. I am sure she would
like a boyfriend. Its all good. Go
for it.
Most guys are protective of their
Cut then from school to Eileen and Eddie sitting in the


living room of Colin and Eileen's house at night with Colin
and his mom sitting across from them. Eddie and Eileen look
like they are in trouble. Colin's Mom looks upset and Colin
is laughing hysterically.
                       COLIN'S MOM
Okay guys. What time is curfew?
                       COLIN'S MOM
And what time is it now?
Its 3am.
                       COLIN'S MOM
Would either of you like to give
me an explanation?
God damn it mom, I fucking already
told you we were in the car and we
both just fell asleep.
You must really suck at this sex
thing if she is falling asleep.
You shut the fuck up Colin. We
didn't even do anything....Fuck
this, Im not even talking to you
two anymore.
Eileen gets up and storms out.
                       COLIN'S MOM
      (Following her
       out. Crying.)
Come back here young lady. I am
your mother and you are going to
have to listen to me.
Colin and Eddie are the last two sitting.
      (Getting up and
       putting his arm
       around Eddie.)
Come on buddy, Ill walk you out to
your car. They will be at it for
at least a week.


The two get up and start walking out.
Cut back to Baker Bash.
You see a shot of the Colin, J.D., and Eddie from the chest
up with Mack going back and forth between the 3 doing
something below the view of the audience. You hear the sound
of duct tape ripping.
Yeah, that was funny. Probablly
the best part of that relationship
was being able to make fun of you
for always having to give and
never being about to receive.
      (Off screen)
Yeah you pussy.
      (Slapping Mack in
       the nuts.)
Fuck you.
Cut to Eddie getting none flashback.
Eddie and Eileen are lying in bed and talking.
      (Kissing her neck.)
Ya know....I was wondering....If
maybe I could get a blowjob from
Yeah? Well, how about you go down
on me first and then afterwards I
will take care of you...
      (Kissing down her
Alright, Alright.


Cut away on some object or area of the room as we hear
moaning, and louder moaning signifying an orgasm.

Cut back to Eddie sticking his head up. His cheecks are
flushed and his hair is crazy.
Not bad?
Mmm, Mmmm. Not bad at all. Now I
think that it is someone elses
The two switch positions with Eddie lying down. Eileen
begins to go down as her phone rings.
Hold on just a sec.
Eileen runs and gets her phone and answers as Eddie has a
extremely "What the fuck" kinda look on his face.
Hello?...Oh hey Desiree...Hold on
just a sec....
      (To Eddie)
I gotta take this one. Maybe put
your clothes back on and Ill take
you home when Im done.
Eileen leaves the room and shuts the door behind her.
      (Louder than he
       expected to say.)
      (From off screen.)
Nothing my angel pudding cup.
Cut to a little montage of Eddie coming up as he did earlier
from oral sex with a lot of moaning accompying it. After a
few times Eddie is rubbing his jaw and other stuff like

Cut then to another day when the two are lying in bed.


      (Out of the blue.)
Ya know. I have been thinking. I
have been a little selfish.
Yeah. I haven't been giving you
No honey, it doesn't matter. I
just want you to be happy. If you
want me to go down on you ten
times in a row without anything
for me than that is what I will do
to make you happy.
      (Rolling her eyes)
Just shut the fuck up and take
your pants off.
Cut to Eddie's face as he is receiving oral sex. He is
giving her his "O" face.
      (Breifly popping
       her head up.)
Now I want you to tell me before
you go. I don't want to get it in
my mouth.
Okay...I mean Okay...Its going...
Eileen pops her head up. Just then there is a 'Thwuup' sound
and she is hit in the face with a large wad of semen, and
she falls over.
Oh my god...I am so sorry...You
see if you don't get any for a
little bit and then it happens, it
is sort of...


      (Brining a towel
       away from her
       face as though
       she just got done
       cleaning herself
Oh my god.
Well you shouldn't get in the way
of the Volcano when it is
       regreting his
No...I didnt mean it...I am sorry
My Rose Meadow...
Eileen has a crazy pissed off look in her face. She gets up.
Slaps Eddie in the face and leaves...
Cut back to the party.
Same view as before of the 3 guys above the torso with Mack
fumbling below.
Yeah, well at least I got a little
bit before we broke up.
I am finished!!!
The camera pulls back to see the guys full bodies. The four
guys have four beers each duct taped together and that is
ducted taped to their hands completely covering any skin on
the hand or wrist.
So what the fuck. I got beers duct
taped to my hands what the fuck am
I supposed to do now.
I found this game online. It is
called Diffuse the Bomb.


I think I heard about this.
Yeah. Don't you think that those
beers ducted taped together looks
like a bomb?
Well, it is a bomb, dick. And you
have this bomb duct taped to your
hands and you gotta diffuse it by
drinking the beers.
Couldnt we just do this without
the duct tape on the hands.
No dude, then you wouldnt be
forced to diffuse it we could
throw it somewhere or something...
This is stupid. It is not even a
game. It is just fucking
stupid....So how do we do it.
Okay. You gotta pop the beers with
your teeth and chug them. The
timer on the bomb is ten minutes,
so you gotta chug the 4 beers in
10 minutes to save the world.
      (Jumping up and
       down very
This is gonna be fucking awesome.


Alright I gotta an alarm set on my
phone for ten minutes.
      (Mack mashes his
       face into his
       phone lying face
       up on a table
Okay. Now let's pop our first
The four pop their first beers cans with their teeth. J.D.
begins talking with Eddie since the other two are way to
excited to be playing this game.
Yeah, well it was a good thing for
me that you broke up or else it
would have been you that lost your
virginity to her instead of me...
The four begin chugging their first beer simutaneously.

Cut then to the Eddie/Eileen breakup flashback.
Eddie and Eileen walk into a party. It is a graduation
      (From off screen)
Hey, congratulations Eileen.
So how does it feel now to be out
of high school?
Its pretty good, I am excited to
head off to college though and
start my writing career.


Yeah, but what are we going to do?
I mean you are leaving and
everything. I don't know what I am
going to do.
      (Rolling her eyes)
I don't fucking know. I got better
things to worry about than you. I
can't stand you being over my back
all the time. We are done.
Eileen storms off and Eddie is left teary eyed.

Cut back to Baker Bash.
Mack and Colin are in the process of chugging their "bomb."
J.D. and Eddie are taking, what looks to be, a well needed
No one ever said that she was
tactful, thats for sure.
Like I said though, it worked out
well for me. We started dating the
summer after that.
Colin finishes his first beer of the four.
thought you were so damn slick,
but I am too smmmarrrttt for you.
I figured it out that one night
you stayed over.
Mack finishes his second beer.
      (Exhausted and
2 down...
Cut to Colin's realization flashback.


Colin is lying on the couch of his living room asleep. He
wakes up and begins walking to the bathroom still very
groggy. He gets to the bathroom when the door next to it
opens (Eileen's room) and J.D. exits.
      (Surprised to see
Oh...hey buddy.
Hey dude, everything okay in
ummm... yeah. got confused. I
thought that was the bathroom.
Colin enters the bathroom and closes the door. J.D. is left
in the hallway.
Cut to another similar scene. Colin is on the phone in the
living room of his house.
Yeah...alright, well call me later
than. Alright, later.
Colin hangs up and walks over to Eileens door.
      (Opening the door.)
Hey, I just got off the phone
Colin sees J.D. quickly climb off of his sister and both
look extremely surprised.
Colin looks surprised for a moment. Then he puts his head to
the door and begins laughing.


AHAHHAA...I fucking knew it. I
knew it!
What did you know.
Oh don't play dumb. I knew you two
were hooking up. I saw J.D. come
out of your room in the middle of
the night the other night.
Damn it. I didn't even think you
understood what was going on.
Naw, I figured it out. You don't
have to keep a secret from me. I
don't even care.
Cut abruptly to Colin walking through his front door with
Eileen and J.D. sitting on the couch. Colin walks by them.
Hey Eileen, Hey dude.
There is a bit of a pause while J.D. and Eileen sort of
converse about something.
Hey dude, I fucked your sister.
      (Not really
       that it acutally
      (After a slight
       pause he looks
What...You guys really had sex?
Yeah dude, we just got done a few
minutes ago.


Dude, I don't care, but I also
don't wanna know the details.
My bad.
Good. Well at least you beat Eddie
to it.
He is going to be a virgin
Cut back to the party.
Still working on diffusing the bomb.
Fuck you man.
Mack finishes his 4th beer.
Mack ripps the beers and duct tape off of his hands and
spikes it on the ground.
      (Heading over to
       check his phone
       for the time.)
Hurry the fuck up fuckers, time is
almost up.
      (Checking his
You got one minute. Go!!!!
Colin immediatley goes for it chugging what is left of his
last beer spilling a good majority on his shirt.


      (Jumping up and
Colin and Mack do a chest bump.
Come on you guys the world will
Eddie and J.D. give in and begin chugging. Eddie pops his
last beer and J.D. is still a full one away plus a little
J.D. finishes his little bit and pops his final can.
J.D. pulls away and begins throwing up to the side.
Eddie finishes his beer and lets out the biggest burp you
have ever heard.

thats right.
TIME!!!, J.D. you asshole, you
blew up the solar system
      (wiping his mouth.)
I'm alright.
It's alright, Gays have never been
known for their ability to drink
Fuck you man, you were drinking a
strawberry daquiri earlier.
Yeah, and I still beat you.


I hate you.
Eddie and J.D. begin ripping their duct tape off.
God damn this shit hurts to ripe
Hey, what hell ever happened to
Joey...I might go start to look...
      (From off screen.)
What the fuck!?!
The four rush into the part to see what it going on. A girl
exits from a bedroom and is wiping down her skirt.
That fatass fucking puked on
The four look at eachother is if they know it is Joey in the

Sure enough. Joey comes stumbling out of the bedroom.
Dude what the hell did you do?
Hey... guys...
You puked on her?
What the hell were you doing?
I was going down on her...


Eddie and J.D. looks shocked. Mack's mouth is agape and he
covers it with his hand. Colin starts laughing hysterically
and falls on the floor.
Dude, you puked on her while you
were going down on her?
Like on her....on her.. her...
That smell is dizzying.
Oh my god we gotta get the fuck
outta here.
Just then the door is kicked open and two police officers
come through.
                       PARTY COP #1
And there is our que.
Baker in his penguin outfit comes running into the picture.
Baker runs full speed into the two policemen in the doorway
shooting them with his supersoaker.

He knocks them both over and contines running.

We then have an elevated shot from the middle of the street
with a guy in a giant penguin suit running down the street.
Cut back to inside the party. It is chaos everyone is
running everwhere.
Let's get the hell outta here.
Cut away as the four guys run out the back.


The five guys are walking down the street in the middle of
the night. Well, actually Mack is being carried by Colin and
Eddie because he is passed out. In the corner of the screen
it shows the time. 2:36.
God damn this asshole is
heavy...Joey take over for a
little bit. I've been carrying him
since he passed out.
No dude, I'm fat. I got enough
weight to carry around.
Then screw it. I am setting him
Colin and Eddie set Mack down on the lawn of a house they
are passing by. All but Joey sit down next to him.
Man am I going to be tired
tomorrow...I'm just going to sleep
the whole car ride.
What time is it anyway?
      (Looking at his
It's like 2:30.
Are we even close to your house
Yeah, its like another 5 or 10
Well lets get the hell out of
here. I don't wanna sit in
someone's lawn all night.


Hey, take a break Colin. I'll take
over for a little bit.
J.D. and Eddie each grab one of Mack's arms and begin trying
to lift him up.
Alruight...1....2....3, Lift!
The two begin lifting. They get Mack slightly off the ground
before they give up and drop him back to the ground.
Damn it.
I told you man.
Let's just leave him.
Naw, fuck that. We aren't leaving
Nope. We aren't going to leave
him. I have a better idea.
Eddie pulls a couple of sharpies out of his pocket. Everyone
gets big smiles on his face.
I gotta piss
Cut to the street light just about the guys. It flickers and
then goes out.
Somebody gonna get they ass
It is now pitch black and all we hear is commotion. We hear
mumbling, the sound of someone pissing, and laughing.

Then while this is happening, cut to the flashing lights on
top of a police car. Then cut back to the area where the
guys are, still pitch black. Then the headlights of the
police car are flashed on to reveal what the guys are doing.


Mack is lying on his side facing the cop car on the lawn.
Colin is on his far left by his head drawing a swastika
covering his entire face. J.D. is behind him next to Colin
with his testicles out and they are resting on Mack's head.
Eddie is next the J.D., behind Mack around his stomach and
chest area. Mack's shirt is off and Eddie has written in
sharpie all over his chest and stomach. It says things like
"Tiny Penis" with an arrow pointing down, and other
embarrasing phrases. Joey is to the far right by Mack's
feet. He is just in front of him with his back facing the
cop car. He is urinating on Macks legs.

When all realize that the cop car sees them they freeze and
stop doing what they are doing for a few seconds except for
Joey. He glances back, laughs a little bit, and continues
Oh fuck...
Just then one of the police officers gets out of the car and
walks toward the guys. You can't see him at first until he
gets into the light. It is an african american officer who
is large and muscular. He looks confused. The camera then
zooms in on the swastika on Mack's face. Then it pans over
to Ross.
Oh fuck...
Cut back to the cop.
                       BLACK COP
Oh hell no...Hey come check this
out Officer Weinberg.
                       JEWISH COP
What is it?
The other cop gets out of the car, who is also muscular and
large, and walks into the light. It is a sterotypical Jewish
guy with a the curly locks of hair down the sides of his
face and and yamaca and the whole bit. He sqints his eyes to
look at Mack's face.
Oh fuck...
Camera cuts to the five guys in the back of the squad car.
Mack is now awake, but groggy.


Well at least the bright side is
that we might find a boyfriend for
All but J.D. laugh.
I hate you guys so much.
The cop car drives off.
This scene begins with the 5 guys standing side by side with
a sad look on their face. The bars to the drunk tank cell is
slammed shut in front of them.
The 5 then begin to take their seats.
I didn't know that you could be
put in the drunk tank before you
were even old enough to be drunk.
You learn something new everyday.
      (Over by the sink
       scrubing his
You guys are assholes.
As a note. For the rest of the movie you are able to faintly
see the swastika still on Mack's face.
Screw you man we were getting
heavy and we needed to get home.
      (Looking around
       the cell.)
Yeah, that seemed to work out real
well for all of us.
I am so fucked. I gotta leave for
college in like 3 hours.


Don't we get a phone call or
      (Getting up.)
Cut to 2 officers just outside the cell.
                       PARTY COP #1
Alright, Paper Rock Scissors to
see who sprays down the kid that
got pissed on.
                       PARTY COP #2
Okay. 2 out of 3.
The put out their hands. One hand flat, palm up, and the
other in a fist on top. Ready for Paper Rock Scissors.
                       PARTY COP #2
One, Two, Three, Shoot.
Cop #1 wins, Paper over Rock.
                       PARTY COP #2
One, Two, Three, Shoot.
Cop #2 wins, Rock over Scissors.
                       PARTY COP #2
One, Two, Three, Shoot.
Cop #2 wins the same way, Rock over Scissors.
                       PARTY COP #1
You son of a bitch. How am I
supposed to win if you only pick
                       PARTY COP #2
Pick Paper then.
                       PARTY COP #1
Yeah, but then you'll switch.
                       PARTY COP #2
It's a game of pyschology my
friend. I am in your head.
Cut over to Ross at the bars of the cell.


      (Motioning the
       officers to come
Excuse me, officers...
The officers walk over.
I was wondering a couple things.
How long are we going to be here?
I mean I am sorry for our behavior
and everything, but I am leaving
for college tomorrow and I am
going to be a dead man if I am in
jail when I am supposed to be
packing up the car to leave. Don't
we have a phone call or something
to get someone to pick us up?
                       PARTY COP #1
Well boys, this is how it is going
to work. We picked you all up for
Drunk in Public, Minor in
Consumption of Alcohol, and I got
      (Looking at Joey)
For urinating in public. I will
give the group of ya, one phone
call. Call one person that can
pick you up. The catch is that you
dont get that phone call until we
feel that you are no longer
intoxicated. It is...
      (Looking at his
3:11....If you can not piss on
eachother or do anything stupid
for the next...oh let's say...3
hours I will let you make your
phone call, and we can get college
boy over here on the road.
Okay sir. 6:11. I appriciate it.
                       PARTY COP #2
Alright boys, be good. We will be
checking on you.
Three hours?


Alright guys. Three hours of no
stupid stuff. Please...
Dude, do you know what you are
We haven't gone 5 minutes without
doing something stupid.
Let's just give it a shot.
Don't worry bro. We'll get outta
here in time.
Colin sits down and the camera pulls back. From here we keep
cutting to the guys every 45 minutes or so.
Cut to them with "4:00" in the lower right hand corner.

Cut to the guys with "4:50" in the lower right hand corner.

Cut the the guys at "5:30" jumping in the middle of the
...And then J.D. put his dick on
the cinnamon rolls.
All laugh.
And then we mailed them to his
All laugh.
That is funny shit.
Yep, that was probablly the
weidest place I have ever put my
Except for when you took your trip
to Burning Man...


      (Slamming his
       fists on the
       bench he is
       sitting on.)
God damn it. That's it. These gay
jokes gotta stop.
Take it easy J.D., he's just
It doesn't make any sense. I am
the only one of us with a
girlfriend and you call me gay. I
don't even do anything that is
remotely gay.
No, No, No. You know why we call
you gay. You remember what you
Okay! Okay! Fine. I kissed Colin
one time...
Cut to Colin shaking his head.
It was harmless.
Cut the J.D. is Gay flashback.
All but Eddie are in the living room of Eddie and Joey's
house. J.D. is holding a football.
Alright are we gonna do this.
Yeah, but 2 on 2 is going to suck.
We don't have enough receivers. Go
grab Eddie so we can have and "All
Time Quarterback."


Alright, you guys head out and
J.D. and I will try and convince
his lazy ass.
Alright, but we gotta hurry, I got
a date with a gymnist.
Mack and Joey walk out the door while J.D. and Colin walk
into Eddie bedroom to find him sitting on his computer
scratching his balls.
Hey dude, we are playing football.
We need you to play.
Come on dude, don't be lazy.
Screw you. I am busy.
You aren't doing shit, chatting to
chicks you are never gonna hook up
Yeah dude, let's go you can do
your computer shit later.
I said no.
Dude, you need exercise.
You aren't helping your cause.
Fine. We are just going to keep
bugging you until you play.


      (Fed up.)
Alright fine. Ya wanna know how
you can get me to play? You kiss
Colin on the lips and then I'll
play football with you guys.
Without hesitation. J.D. reaches over with both hands and
grabs an unsuspecting Colin behind his head and plants a
giant kiss on his lips and pulls away. Colin looks shocked.
Let's go.
Eddie begins laughing hysterically. Colin has a continued
shocked look on his face.
      (Getting up and
       still laughing.)
Well, I guess I gotta get my shoes
I am not sure I wanna play a
contact sport with you anymore.
What? I like football.
Cut back to the guys in the drunk tank.
The guys are sitting the same way they were before we left
for the flashback and all but J.D. are laughing.
Okay. I admit it. But that doesn't
mean I am gay. It just means that
I love football.
You are still gay.
You are so gayer than me. At least
I have had sex with a girl.
Yeah, but you kissing a guy
cancels that out.


Ahh... You're not mad are you
Naw, I can't stay mad at you guys.
You are my best friends.
Fuck yeah man. You see that's what
I love about this group.
Yup. We can just fuck around and
never be mad at eachother.
I think we proved it tonight. With
all that reminising of our high
school experience.
Very true.
It's funny ya know, because any
time I have ever told anyone our
story about how we can date the
same girls they look at me like I
am crazy. Like how can you do that
and still be friends.
I know what you mean man. It's
like most groups of friends outlaw
ex's and siblings from their
friends. It is like cardal rule
that they are off limits.
Ya know why, its because a lot of
friendships are just not as strong
as ours is. We know that if one of
us starts dating someones
exgirlfriend that they are not
doing it to make us jealous or
anything other than they just
plain like that girl.


Or that we just really wanna get
laid, right Eddie?
Fuck you...But I agree we have
built such a strong bond based on
dick and gay jokes and having fun.
It is impossible for a girl to
come in between us and that is
probablly the thing I will take
away from high school. That I have
made some of the best friends in
my life and that my brother and I
have become more than that. We are
like buddies now.


I hear ya man. I mean I haven't
been quite as invovled in this
whole girlfriend swapping thing as
you guys have, aside from Laura,
but I feel that you guys are some
of the greatest friends ever and
even though you give me shit for
being fat, you give Eddie shit for
being girly and never getting any,
and J.D. for being gay, and Mack
for lying all the damn time, and
Colin for being the horniest guy
on the planet. I know that when it
comes down to it we are a tight
group and any of you guys would do
anything it took to help me out. I
mean look at tonight. I was having
a rough time getting over a
relationship and you all made it
your duty to help me get over
that, and I appriciate it. And the
thing is I would do the same for
you, and I think you guys know
that. I know I haven't been in the
group quite as long as you all
have, but even before I started
hanging out with you all the time
I could tell that you guys were
tight. I have never seen a closer
group of guys in my life and I
knew I wanted that for myself. I
thank you Eddie for not thinking
of me as just your little brother
and for accepting me as a friend.
I also thank you guys for being
such good friends to me.
Jesus dude, you are going to make
Eddie cry talking like that. But
you're right. I love you guys. You
are my boys and even though Colin
is leaving tomorrow and soon we
are all going our different ways I
am positive that when we come back
from break and everything that
things are just going to fall back
into place and we can just pick up
where we left off.


Hell yeah. Lets get a break on
this shit.
All the guys stand up and put their hands in the center.
There is a slow clap coming from off screen. All the guys
look over. One of the cops is standing there.
                       PARTY COP #2
      (Still doing his
       slow clap.)
Very touching boys. Very touching.
Now I believe it is about that
time, so if one of you would like
to make a phone call we can get
you out of here.
Actually J.D. would like to stay
for a little longer. He didn't get
the chance to drop the soap yet.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who the hell are we going to call
Call your mom dude, we are going
to your house right?
Fuck that I am not calling my mom
a hour before we are going to
leave to take me to college to
have her pick me up from jail.
Good point. Well we aren't calling
my parents they will castrate me.
      (To Eddie and Joey)
Let's call your dad. It's perfect


                       J.D. (cont'd)
he hates us all anyway so it
doesn't matter if he is upset.
Yeah, thats a good idea. Even if
he gets pissed we can just tell
our mom about that time he ripped
off that Vietnamese hooker by
giving her monopoly money.
Done. Go call him Eddie.
The officer lets Eddie out of the cell to call his dad.

Cut then all the guys sitting in the cell waiting for Eddie
and Joey's dad.
The guys are sitting looking very tired. The clock at the
bottom of the screen says 6:15.
                       E AND J'S DAD
      (From off screen.)
Here we go.
                       E AND J'S DAD
      (Entering the
       scene wearing,
       again, only his
       skidmarked tighty
       Accompanied by a
Let's go you retards.
The cop opens the door and the five guys walk out afraid to
say anything.
                       E AND J'S DAD
I am going to make you all wash my
Go damn it dad.


Dad we need you to drop us off at
Colin's house. He needs to get
home becuase he is leaving for
college in like 45 minutes.
At this point they are all walking out the door.
                       E AND J'S DAD
                       E AND J'S DAD
Dad, it's on the way to our house.
                       E AND J'S DAD
Alright, but I'm not stopping, you
gotta jump out while the car is
Cut away.
A car is driving down the road as the passanger and back
seat doors open and all five guys jump out as the car is
The guys all roll on the ground and get up.
Alright guys. Just wait here I am
going to grab all my crap and tell
my mom I am here and ready to go.
Cut to a suitcase being placed in a trunk of a car and the
trunk closes. Cut then to Colin standing by the car with the
                       COLIN'S MOM
      (From offscreen.)
Colin did you say goodbye to your
sister and grandpa?
Yeah I said bye inside. Just give
me a sec and then we can take off.
This is rough man.


Yeah, I know. It's just not going
to be the same.
      (To Eddie. Giving
       him a hug.)
You take care buddy. Have fun in
Santa Barbara and try to get
yourself laid huh..
Well, no shit what the hell do you
think I've been doing.
Yeah, I know.
You keep your clothes on and try
not to masturbate so much. You
might weird out your roomate.
Come on man, you know I can't do
Yeah, I know. Good luck man.
You too man.
      (To Joey.)
God damn its gonna suck for you
next year without us.
No Shit.
Just kiddin' bro. Hey man, think
about Arizona for college. I could
use a buddy down there.
We'll see.
Well, I'll see ya for Thanksgiving
and you better be with another
hotter chick.


                       JOEY (cont'd)
      (Mockingly wiping
       Joey's face.)
No more tears. No more tears.
      (Laughing and
       swatting away
       Colin's hand.)
Shut up.
The two hug.
      (To J.D.)
You. My girlfriend swapping
partner. I'll miss you man.
Yeah, I don't know what I'll do
without you to steal my
girlfriends from me.
Yeah, but it all worked out for
you. You got her. Take care of her
alright buddy.
You know it.
Alright bro. Stay gay, stay proud.
Fuck off.
The two hug.
Colin walks over to Mack.
Holy shit bro. This is like the
end of an era.
You are like my left tittie dog. I
don't know what I am going to do
without my wingman in college.
I know. You are my best friend
bro. It's like I am at 150% with
you by my side. I mean I have had


                       MACK (cont'd)
you just down the street from me
our whole lives and now thats
Yeah, It's not gonna be the same,
but I'll still talk to ya. Hey,
take care brother. I'll miss ya.
The have a long hug.
I love ya bro.
I love ya too buddy.
The guys break from the hug and Colin backs up to the
passanger door or the car.
Alright guys. This is it. Til next
Go get 'em.
Later brothers.
Colin gets in the car and it starts to take off. He looks
back to see all the guys mooning him. The camera moves along
the line in order. Eddie's hairy ass, then over to Joey's
fat ass, to J.D.'s pale ass, and finally we get to Mack's
bare ass that has an arrow pointing to his ass crack. It has
the words, "Insert Penis Here" next to it (from the sharpie
incident earlier). Cut then to Colin in the car. He turns
around and laughs to himself. Cut back to the guys pulling
up their pants.
I think that was a fitting send of
for him.
Yeah, he deserved the five ass
Yeah, we had to do that, even
though I was a little afraid of
dropping my pants in J.D.'s


Like I didn't see that one coming.
Come on guys. I got my car over at
my house. I'll take you home.
The guys walk off with Mack with the occasional wave to
Colin's car getting further away.
Cut back to Colin in the car laughing. He narrates over a
close up of him laughing.
                       NARRATOR (Colin)
Some people say that High School
is the best time of your
life...and it was for us. Mack,
Eddie, and J.D. left for college
soon after I did, and Joey made it
through his senior year. We are
still best friends and whenever we
all get back into town we just
pick up where we left off. We
never really have the chance to
date anymore of the same girls
becuase we are all in different
cities, but we still think about
those times and laugh. It is
pretty funny that we made it
through that with our friendships
still in tact. We are probablly a
rare case. I love those guys. I am
proud to call them my brothers. I
could never ask for a better group
of friends....Even though one of
them did kiss me.....
Cut to an elevated shot of the middle of the street with
Colin's car driving off. The words "The End" appear on the


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From Larry Boodry Date 9/9/2005 *
I like demented humor as much as the next guy, but this was disguting...The mental image I have of these guys will probably cause me to wake up screaming in the middle of the night, and I'll have no choice but to stumble to the fridge for a beer...I gave you one star because at least your writing looks professional.

From S.M. McNair Date 1/24/2005 ****
I like this one but I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because for once, a writer can tell a story and leave it unhinged from your imagination. Good character development, and one of the best provocotive titles of 2005. "Bros Before Hos" stands out from the crowd and delivers a powerful upbeat message: Damn, we've got a story here! Like what I'm reading.

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