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Spam
by Marshall Foltz (marshallfoltz@cox.net)

Rated: PG   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***
A story about a woman's past with Spam, and how she goes crazy after an incedent at a diner.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

EXT. ABOVE THE THAMES - DAY
                                                            
LONDON, ENGLAND, 2005
                                                            
We are directly above the Thames River. We can see
Parliament.
                                                            
DISSOLVE TO:
                                                            
 
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
                                                            
We see a series of apartments.
                                                            
 
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
                                                            
We see a television turn on. We pan to see an old woman and
man sitting in their living room. The man is flipping
through the channels.
                                                            
                       MR. MCKINNING
Ahh...There's nothing on the
telley!
                                                            
                       MRS. MCKINNING
      (Agitated)
Oh! Stop complaining just pick a
channel!
                                                            
He puts it on the weather channel. He watches for a second,
then turns it of.
                                                            
                       MR. MCKINNING
I'm hungry. Let's go eat.
                                                            
                       MRS. MCKINNING
Where?
                                                            
                       FANNY
How about that new restaurant Le
Spam?
                                                            
                       MRS. MCKINNING
      (Scared)
S...Spam?!
                                                            
She puts her hands over her eyes.
                                                            
CUT TO:
                                                            
 

2.

INT. BEDROOM - DAY
                                                            
LONDON, ENGLAND, 1949
                                                            
Note: Film in grainy Black and White.
                                                            
We see the young MRS. McKINNING with her hands over her
eyes. She pulls her hands down and looks around.
                                                            
 
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
                                                            
We see a close-up of a can of Spam being opened. The
silhouette of THE MOTHER plops it in a frying pan and it
begins cooking.
                                                            
 
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       MOM (O.S.)
Josephine! Your Spam is ready!
                                                            
She groans.
                                                            
                       YOUNG MRS. MCKINNING
Why can't we have something
besides Spam?
                                                            
                       MOM (O.S.)
Because...I say so. Now come and
eat! Your Spam is getting cold!
                                                            
                       YOUNG MRS. MCKINNING
...But Mom!
                                                            
                       MOM
NO BUTS!!!
                                                            
                       YOUNG MRS. MCKINNING
But all we've eaten for the past
five bleedin' weeks is Spam! We
have fried Spam! Baked Spam! Spam
soup! Steamed Spam! Roasted Spam!
Broiled Spam in Spam sauce! Spam
Meringue Pie! Spam ice cream, and
chocolate covered Spam with
whipped cream with a cherry on
top!!! We sit on cans of Spam! We
burn Spam, and I'm sick to death
of the stench of it! We even feed
the bloody cat Spam!
                                                            

3.

We hear a cat meow, and a thud. We see dead cat with Spam in
its mouth.
                                                            
                       YOUNG MRS. MCKINNING
Look! The cat's just chocked
itself to death on it! Oh!
                                                            
We see her put her hands over her eyes again.
                                                            
CUT TO:
                                                            
 
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
We see the OLD MRS. McKINNING pull her hands down. MR.
McKINNING is obviously irritated.
                                                            
                       MR. MCKINNING
Well...are you coming?
                                                            
                       MRS. MCKINNING
Where?
                                                            
                       MR. MCKINNING
I just told you five seconds ago.
To Le Spam.
                                                            
                       MRS. MCKINNING
Oh...
                                                            
The last part of dialogue gets removed when we...
                                                            
CUT TO:
                                                            
 
INT. CAR - NIGHT
                                                            
We see MR. McKINNING turn the key to start the car.
                                                            
 
EXT. DRIVEWAY - NIGHT
                                                            
The car backs out. We see a close-up of the license plate
that says "SPAMLVR".
                                                            
 
EXT. STREETS - NIGHT
                                                            
We see the car driving through random places.
                                                            
 

4.

EXT. LE SPAM - NIGHT
                                                            
Their car pulls into what looks like a fast food restaurant.
We see a sign that says "Le Spam".
                                                            
 
EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT
                                                            
We see a footman open the wooden door. We see it isn't a
fast food restaurant after all, it is a five-star,
French-style restaurant.
                                                            
 
INT. LE SPAM - NIGHT
                                                            
We move in from the front door inside. We see a MAITRE-D
standing at a podium. He has a waxed moustache and nice
clothes. He has a strong French accent.
                                                            
                       MAITRE-D
      (Ecstatic)
Bonjour, madame and monsieur!
Welcome to...Leeeee Spam.
                                                            
The MAITRE-D addresses a waiter.
                                                            
                       MAITRE-D
Eh...Gaston! A table...for ze
couple!
      (To the McKinnings)
Right this way.
                                                            
He takes them off-screen.
                                                            
 
INT. PRIVATE DINING ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
We see MR. and MRS. McKINNING led into a small private
dining room. The MAITRE-D sits them down at the table.
                                                            
                       MAITRE-D
Bon Appétit. Your waitress will be
here shortly. Au revoir!
                                                            
they begin to read their menus. A large woman with rat's
nest hair and a diner-style uniform enters.
                                                            
                       FANNY
      (Strong Cockney
       Accent)
'Allo. I'm Fanny, I'll be your
waitress this evenin'.
                                                            

5.

                       MR. MCKINNING
What's your specials?
                                                            
                       FANNY
Well...egg and Spam...egg bacon
and Spam...egg bacon sausage and
Spam...Spam bacon sausage and
Spam...Spam egg Spam Spam bacon
and Spam...Spam sausage Spam Spam
Spam bacon Spam tomato and
Spam...Spam Spam Spam egg and
Spam...Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam
baked beans and Spam Spam and
Spam...Or Swiss Souffleé puffs
with cream cheese and a Bearnaise
sauce served with cocktail
biscuits, garnished with sausage
patties, basted in Brandi, with a
fried egg on top and Spam.
                                                            
                       MRS. MCKINNING
Have you got anything without Spam
in it?
                                                            
                       FANNY
Weeeeell...there's Spam egg
sausage and Spam...that's not got
much Spam.
                                                            
                       MRS. MCKINNING
I dont want ANY Spam.
                                                            
                       MR. MCKINNING
      (Looking off menu)
Why can't she have egg bacon Spam
and sausage?
                                                            
                       MRS. MCKINNING
THAT'S got Spam in it!
                                                            
                       MR. MCKINNING
It doesn't have as much Spam as
Spam eggs sausage and Spam. Has
it?
                                                            
                       MRS. MCKINNING
Could I have egg bacon Spam and
sausage without the Spam, then?
                                                            
                       FANNY
Uuughh!
                                                            

6.

                       FANNY
What do you mean "ugh"? I don't
like Spam.
                                                            
                       FANNY
Look. You can't have egg bacon
Spam and sausage without the Spam
in it!
                                                            
                       MRS. MCKINNING
      (Angry)
WHY NOT?
                                                            
                       FANNY
Ahhh...It wouldn't be egg bacon
Spam and sausage, now would it?
                                                            
                       FANNY
      (Ear-piercing
       scream)
I DON'T LIKE SPAM!!!
                                                            
                       MR. MCKINNING
Hush, dear, don't cause a fuss.
I'll have your Spam...I love it!
I'm having Spam Spam Spam Spam
Spam Spam Spam baked beans Spam
Spam Spam and Spam!
                                                            
                       FANNY
We're out of baked beans.
                                                            
                       MR. MCKINNING
Well...could I have Spam instead
of the baked beans, then?
                                                            
                       FANNY
You mean Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam
Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam and Spam?
                                                            
the camera moves away as she continues talking.
                                                            
 
INT. CORRIDOR/ BATHROOM - DAY
                                                            
We move along a corridor and see the women's bathroom. The
door opens and we see a man sitting at a desk, as if he was
in an office, talking on his phone. There are women coming
out of the stalls and going to wash their hands.
                                                            

7.

                       ANNOUNCER
Yes...Uh huh...yes...What? Is that
possible? But I don't have any use
for a gold plated zebra! And...
                                                            
He notices the camera, and hangs up the phone and clears his
throat.
                                                            
                       ANNOUNCER
And now for something completely
different.
                                                            
 
INT. THEATRE - DAY
                                                            
                       ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
This man has a iPod lodged in his
brain.
                                                            
We see the man hold out his finger and show it to the
audience. He then proceeds to shove it up his nose. We hear
the French National Anthem, La Marseillaise, play. He pulls
his finger out and the music stops. He sticks the same
finger in his other nostril and we hear the music re-wind.
He sticks his finger in the other nostril and plays the song
again. He pulls out his finger and bows.
                                                            


THE END


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From Michaela MacKinnon Date 1/25/2010 ***1/2
So funny, the Ipod bit isn't really necessary, but if you put another Spamaphobic moment in, it'll be great!

From John Watson Date 6/9/2009 ***
The beginning has a great introduction and the flashback of Mrs. McKinning's horror experiences with Spam. The scene where the cat died from choking on Spam was one of the reason why McKinning loathed spam. (I laughted at that part, That cat should get oscar award for best performance.) The middle part where McKinning attempted to order Spam free dinner and ended up ordering spam is a surprising twisted in the story. The audience like twisted suprised. However, the last part with the guy with iPod in his brain, that part is unrelated to the previously story with Spam. It should be throwed out and make the ending funny or terrified with Spam involves. May the Spam be with you.

From Kris Shaft Date 9/19/2007 ***
WHAT THE HECK DOES IT MEAN?

From Aaron Smith Date 2/18/2005 ***
Okay...It is funny...(After all, spam is pretty funny without baked beans, sausage, bacon, or eggs, but with it, it's hilarious) but it needs more of a plot. Is this a WIP? If it is, then this is fine, but if not, it's too short, and not much characters/plot is developed yet. All in all pretty good!


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