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by MARK HOLLEY (success91344@yahoo.com)
Rated: 
Genre: Comedy
User Review: 
A short spoof screenplay of a Trojan Latex Condom Commercial. Originally written as a comedic skit. Just ONE of many...
This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.
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SHOWCASE (EPISODE X) 'PROBIN MAN'
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EXT. OCEANFRONT BLUFF - NIGHT |
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The SUN is barely visible over the ocean's horizon and gives
off an orange glow. |
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MAN & WOMAN stroll -arms locked together- near the edge of
the OCEANFRONT BLUFF. |
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Seagulls squawk in the distance. |
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Waves crash and bubble onto the jagged rocks below. |
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A complete picnic set-up is splayed out on a checkered
picnic blanket before the MAN & WOMAN. |
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The WOMAN sees the picnic set-up. Looks surprised. Smiles.
Hugs the MAN with glee. |
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The MAN extends his hand motioning for the WOMAN to sit on
the picnic blanket. |
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She sits. |
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He then sits next to her... smiling as he does so... |
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Crickets CHIRP. |
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Man & WOMAN smile at each other. They slowly and coy-ishly
begin to move closer to one another. They giggle and flirt. |
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WOMAN
(to MAN)
This...
(takes in the
scene)
...is...
(sighs)
-This is SO romantic...! |
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She gives a girlish giggle and hunches her shoulders. |
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2.
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MAN
(to WOMAN)
Anything... for you...
(grins)
sweetie....
(raises left
eyebrow)
Wine...?! |
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He reaches over the WOMAN. Grabs a bottle of Merlot. Pauses.
Grins at the WOMAN. |
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The WOMAN bats her eyes at the MAN. |
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They giggle and gaze into each others eyes. |
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WOMAN
(hand to chest)
Oh, yes...! A full glass, please. |
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They lean towards one another -preparing to kiss... |
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THUNDER & LIGHTNING!! |
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A HORSE whines!! |
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CHORUS bellows out PROBIN' Man's theme song O. C. |
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CHORUS (O.C.)
(singing aloud)
"PROBIN' MAN!!" "PROBIN' MAN!!" |
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MAN & WOMAN jump back from each other in shock. They search
around feverishly for the source of the voices. |
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CHORUS (O.C.)
(singing aloud)
"PROBIN' MAN!!" "PROBIN' MAN!!" |
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PROBIN' MAN enters. Only his left hand and forearm are
visible. He is wearing a tattered yellow glove that extends
the length of his arm to his shoulder. |
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CHORUS HUM O.C. |
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3.
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CHORUS (0.C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hm. Hmmmm!" "Hm. Hmm. Hmmmm!" |
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The MAN & WOMAN stare WIDE EYED towards PROBIN' MAN. |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hmm. Hmmm!" "Hmm. Hmm. Hmmm!" |
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PROBIN' MAN moves towards the MAN & WOMAN. |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(to MAN)
"Pouring drinks that are fruity...
to get that booty...?! Probin'
Man's here to fulfill that duty!!" |
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THUNDER & LIGHTNING!! |
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A HORSE whines!! |
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CHORUS bellows out PROBIN' Man's theme song O. C. |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(singing aloud)
"PROBIN' MAN!!" "PROBIN' MAN!!" |
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MAN & WOMAN search around for the source of the voices. |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(singing aloud)
"PROBIN' MAN!!" "PROBIN' MAN!!" |
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A seagull SQUAWKS! |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hm. Hmmm!!" "Hm. Hmm. Hmmm!!" |
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The WOMAN looks in PROBIN' Man's direction. |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hm. Hmmm!!" "Hm. Hmm. Hmmm!!" |
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4.
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WOMAN
(excited)
Wow! It's... Probin' Man! |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hm. Hmmm!!" "Hm. Hmm. Hmmm!!" |
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The MAN blinks and smiles as if he's in a Colgate
commercial. |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hmm. Hmmm!" "Hmm. Hmm. Hmmm!" |
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MAN
(excited)
Wow! You- You're HERE...! You're
really HERE!! |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(to MAN)
"-Yes! -...And not a moment too
soon...! You were about to dive
naked... up in that 'poon'...!" |
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THUNDER & LIGHTNING!! |
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A HORSE whines!! |
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CHORUS bellows out PROBIN' Man's theme song O. C. |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(singing aloud)
"PROBIN' MAN!!" "PROBIN' MAN!!" |
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MAN & WOMAN bow their heads in shame. |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(singing aloud)
"PROBIN' MAN!!" "PROBIN' MAN!!" |
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PROBIN' MAN shakes his pointer finger at the MAN & WOMAN. |
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5.
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hm. Hmmm!!" "Hm. Hmm. Hmmm!!" |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(to MAN)
"-Fear not young buck...! She'll
be satisfied...!
(whips out a
condom)
This magic condom is for HER
pleasure! Now... step aside! |
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THUNDER & LIGHTNING!! |
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A HORSE whines! |
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CHORUS (O. C)
(singing aloud)
"PROBIN MAN!!" "PROBIN' MAN!!" |
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PROBIN' MAN grabs the MAN by the face. |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(singing aloud)
"PROBIN' MAN!!" "PROBIN' MAN!!" |
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WOMAN
(surprised)
-Oh...?! |
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The MAN looks confused. He flails his arms about... trying
to maintain his balance. |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(to MAN)
Come on... make it easy on
yourself, pal! |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hmm. Hmmm!" "Hmm. Hmm. Hmmm!" |
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6.
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MAN
(to PROBIN' MAN)
Hey! Wha- What are you doing...?! |
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PROBIN' MAN pushes the MAN to the ground. |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(grunts)
There...!! |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hm. Hmmm!" "Hm. Hmm. Hmmm!" |
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WOMAN
(shocked)
Oh, MY...! |
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The MAN falls near the bluff edge. He looks behind and over
the edge of the bluff. He then scurries away from the
dangerous bluff edge and back towards the picnic blanket. |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hm. Hmmm!" "Hm. Hmm. Hmmm!" |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(to WOMAN)
That's right, baby! You need a
REAL man! |
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WOMAN
(hand to mouth)
Oh?! |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hm. Hmmm!" "Hm. Hmm. Hmmm!" |
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The MAN -dazed and confused- goes over towards PROBIN' MAN. |
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MAN
(to PROBIN' MAN)
But...-
(gasps for air)
-But, Probin' Man... I don't-...
(MORE)
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7.
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MAN (cont'd)
(breathes heavily)
-I don't understand! What's going
on here...?! |
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PROBIN' MAN gestures with his fist as if welcoming the MAN
to a fight. |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hm. Hmmm!" "Hm. Hmm. Hmmm!" |
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WOMAN
(hand to mouth)
Oh, my...! |
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MAN
(to PROBIN' MAN)
This never happens in the
commercials...- |
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The MAN shakily outstretches his palms and with a NIXON sign
of peace he shields himself. |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(solemnly to man)
Son... this is the part of the
commercials that they DON'T
show...! |
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WOMAN
(hands to chest)
-Oh...?! |
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PROBIN' MAN unzips his pants fly. |
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THUNDER & LIGHTNING!! |
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The WOMAN looks down towards PROBIN' Man's crotch. Her eyes
widen. |
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A HORSE whines!! |
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The MAN looks over to see what PROBIN' MAN is showing the
WOMAN. His eyes widen. |
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8.
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CHORUS bellows out PROBIN' Man's theme song O. C. |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(singing aloud)
"PROBIN' MAN!!" "PROBIN' MAN!!" |
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The WOMAN blushes. |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(singing aloud)
"PROBIN' MAN!!" "PROBIN' MAN!!" |
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She licks her lips. |
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PROBIN' MAN moves towards the WOMAN. His arm (still holding
the condom) goes downwards. |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hm. Hmmm!" "Hm. Hmm. Hmmm!" |
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The WOMAN looks down. Eyes widen. Smiles. Looks upwards
towards PROBIN' Man's eye line. |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(chuckles)
Hey, hey...! That's right, baby! |
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He motions as if he's placing on the condom. |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hm. Hmmm!" "Hm. Hmm. Hmmm!" |
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PROBIN' MAN slowly begins to caress the Woman's face. |
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9.
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The WOMAN lowers her head out of camera shot. |
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PROBIN' MAN motions for the CAMERAMAN to go away. |
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the CAMERAMAN does so reluctantly. Panning back ever so
often to a now blurred out shot of the WOMAN and PROBIN' MAN
doing who knows what. |
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(b. g. - 70's PORN MUSIC) |
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PROBIN' MAN & the WOMAN make sensual sounds O. C. |
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EXT. - OCEANFRONT BLUFF - 15 MINUTES LATER |
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The waves crash and bubble against the jagged rocks below. |
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The WOMAN preps her hair. |
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PROBIN' MAN makes a muscle. A cigarette burns between his
fingers. |
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The WOMAN strokes PROBIN' Man's bicep. |
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PROBIN' MAN FLICKS the cigarette O. C. Expels smoke. Points
to the WOMAN with his pointer finger. |
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WOMAN
(smiles)
Oh! Mmm. -Hmph! Hmm! Hmm! |
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PROBIN' MAN gives the WOMAN a thumbs UP. TING! |
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She giggles. |
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The MAN is SL of PROBIN' MAN & the WOMAN. On the grass.
Shivering. Curled into a fetal position. Clutching a corner
of the picnic blanket. Rubbing his face. Looking -eyes wide
open- blankly towards PROBIN' MAN & the WOMAN. Mumbling to
himself while rocking back and forth... |
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MAN
(to self)
"I'm in MY happy place." "I'm in
my HAPPY place." |
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PROBIN' MAN strokes the Woman's hair. |
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10.
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MAN
(to self)
"I'm in my happy PLACE!" "I'm IN
my happy place." |
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The WOMAN giggles. |
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PROBIN' MAN motions for the WOMAN to wait... |
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The WOMAN looks up towards PROBIN' Man's eye line. She then
turns and looks at the MAN. |
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PROBIN' MAN goes over to the MAN. |
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(b. g. - JAWS THEME MUSIC) |
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The MAN braces his entire body and squeezes his eyes shut.
He shivers and chants LOUDER... |
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MAN
(to self)
"I'M in my happy place." |
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PROBIN' MAN gets CLOSER... |
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(b. g. - JAWS THEME MUSIC FASTER) |
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MAN
(louder)
"I'm IN MY happy place!" |
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PROBIN' MAN gets CLOSER... |
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(b. g. - JAWS THEME MUSIC FASTER) |
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MAN
(louder)
"I'M IN my HAPPY place!" |
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PROBIN' MAN gets CLOSER... |
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(b. g. - JAWS THEME MUSIC CRESCENDO) |
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MAN
(faster)
"I'M IN MY happy PLACE!" |
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11.
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PROBIN' MAN is next to the MAN. |
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The MAN screams out at the top of his lungs in sheer
TERROR... |
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MAN
(screaming)
"I'M IN MY HAPPY PLACE!!" "-MY
HAPPY PLACE!!" Aaaarrggh!! |
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(b. g. - PSYCHO THEME MUSIC CRESCENDO) |
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(b. g. - MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) |
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Nothing happens. |
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Only the Man's girlish screams is heard... |
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MAN
(screaming)
Aaarrrggghhh... |
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Even the seagulls and crickets quiet. |
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The MAN SCREAMS out like a little girl... |
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MAN
(continued)
...aaarrggghhh... |
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The wine glasses SHATTER. |
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The WOMAN starts to feel embarrassed for the MAN. |
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MAN
(continued)
...aaarrrggghhh... |
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The WOMAN looks around in embarrassment. |
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MAN
(continued)
...aaarrrggghhh... |
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PROBIN' MAN clenches and unclench-es his fingers out of
irritation. |
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12.
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The MAN continues to scream out like a little girl... |
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The bottle of MERLOT SHATTERS. |
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PROBIN' MAN puts his arm down. Lifts up his arm to reveal
that he is now wearing a watch over his glove. |
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The MAN continues to scream out like a little girl... |
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MAN
(continued)
...aaarrrggghhh... |
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PROBIN' MAN looks at his watch. Throws his hand up as if
annoyed with the MAN. |
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MAN
(continued)
...aaarrrggghhh... |
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The WOMAN shakes her head in disappointment. |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(to MAN)
-A-hem...?! |
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MAN
(continued)
...aaarrrggghhh... |
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PROBIN' MAN throws his hand UP. |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(louder)
Ahem?! |
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The MAN continues to scream like a little "girlie-man"... |
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MAN
(crying out)
...aaarrrggghhh... |
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13.
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(to self)
"Oy Vey!"
(to MAN)
HEY?! |
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The MAN abruptly stops screaming. Maintains his SCREAM face.
Mouth ajar. Peeks through his left eye. Looks up towards
PROBIN' Man's eye line. Pauses. |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(to self)
Geez.... |
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The WOMAN hunches her shoulders and rolls her eyes as if to
say "Oy Vey...?". |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(to MAN)
Look here pal... Don't cry. |
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The MAN closes his mouth and relaxes his body slightly. |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(to MAN)
Understand... -I ALWAYS go first.
It's in my contract. |
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He reaches out to the MAN. |
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The MAN cringes and jumps back in fear. |
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PROBIN' MAN pats the MAN on the shoulder. |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(to MAN)
Do you really think that I came
here just to help YOU get
action...?
(chuckles)
"Keep it REAL"! |
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The MAN joins in with a nervous laughter... |
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14.
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MAN
(laughing)
Aha. Aha -ha. Aha! Aha! Ha -ha! |
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PROBIN' MAN stops laughing. |
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The MAN stops laughing. |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(to MAN)
Look pal... I've been breaking in
these hoes since the Roman
Empire... |
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The WOMAN turns towards PROBIN' MAN as if shocked. |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(to MAN)
Now stop crying and get ready! |
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The MAN sniffles. |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(to MAN)
The cameras are about to come back
on... |
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THUNDER & LIGHTNING!! |
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A HORSE whines! |
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CHORUS bellows out PROBIN' Man's theme song O. C. |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(singing aloud)
"PROBIN' MAN!!" "PROBIN' MAN!!" |
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PROBIN' MAN gives the MAN a thumbs UP. Notices his watch is
in the camera shot. Quickly lowers his arm. Raises his arm
to reveal that he is no longer wearing the watch but now has
a blurred out used condom containing semen. |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(singing aloud)
"PROBIN' MAN!!" "PROBIN' MAN!!" |
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15.
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The MAN & WOMAN search around for the source of the singing
voices. |
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The CHORUS hum PROBIN' MAN theme song O. C. |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hm. Hmmm!" "Hm. Hmm. Hmmm!" |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(to camera)
"Try PROBIN' LATEX CONDOMS"! |
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Waves the blurred out used condom around. It makes a
SWISHING sound. |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hm. Hmmm!" "Hm. Hmm. Hmmm!" |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(to camera)
-"For the times when you REALLY
mean to...- |
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The WOMAN follows the path of the flailing blurred out
condom. |
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WOMAN
Ha, ha! -Wha- Whoa!! |
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The blurred out used condom makes a SWISHING sound as
PROBIN' MAN dangles it about. SWISH!! |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(to camera)
-GET IT ON..."! |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hm. Hmmm!" "Hm. Hmm. Hmmm!" |
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PROBIN' MAN motions to the WOMAN. |
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The blurred out used condom makes a SWISHING sound. |
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16.
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(to self)
"I know I did!"
(to camera)
-"And so should YOU!" |
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The WOMAN blushes. |
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PROBIN' MAN TOSSES the blurred out used condom to the MAN. |
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SPLAT! |
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The blurred out used condom SMACKS onto the right side of
the Man's face. |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(to MAN)
You might want to wash that out
before you use it! |
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The blurred out used condom slides down the right side of
the Man's face. It makes a slimy wet SLIDING noise as it
does. |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(to MAN)
I know I'M done with it...! |
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The MAN smiles with excitement. |
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The blurred out used condom dangles and SWISHES about on his
chin. |
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MAN
(to PROBIN' MAN)
Gee, thanks PROBIN' MAN! You're
swell! |
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He gives a COLGATE smile. A sparkle twinkles from his teeth.
ZING! |
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He grabs the blurred out used condom. Puts his hands down.
Looks down. Unzips his pants fly... |
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17.
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The MAN then motions as if he's places the blurred out used
condom on himself. |
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(b. g. - SLIMY -FITTING- NOISE) |
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PROBIN' MAN gives the MAN a thumbs UP. TING! |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(to MAN)
Just... doing my job, kid! -Just
doing my job. |
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The MAN eagerly moves towards the WOMAN. |
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The WOMAN smiles at the MAN. |
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PROBIN' MAN starts to exit. |
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WOMAN
(to MAN)
Wow! He was as BIG as his- |
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THUNDER & LIGHTNING!! |
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WOMAN
(aloud)
-As TALL as his horse! |
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A HORSE whines! |
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CHORUS bellows out PROBIN' Man's theme song O. C. |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(singing aloud)
"PROBIN' MAN!!" "PROBIN' MAN!!" |
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The MAN & WOMAN embrace each other. |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(singing aloud)
"PROBIN MAN!!' "PROBIN' MAN!!" |
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18.
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The MAN & WOMAN hungrily kiss and grope each other. |
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PROBIN MAN (V. O.)
(to self)
"Kids.... Ha, ha, ha!" |
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He exits. |
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The CHORUS continue to hum PROBIN' Man's theme song O. C. |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hmm. Hmm Hmmm!" "Hmm. Hmm. Hmmm!" |
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The MAN & WOMAN grope each other and kiss while slowly
undressing each other and pulling the picnic blanket over
their heads. They lie down. |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hm. Hmmm!" "Hm. Hmm. Hmmm!" |
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EXT. - SKY - NIGHT |
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The last GLINT of the sun disappear behind the ocean's
horizon. |
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The MAN & WOMAN are heard groping, giggling, kissing and
laughing. |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hm. Hmmm!" "Hm. Hmm. Hmmm!" |
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The ANNOUNCER hastily reads words as they scroll across the
screen... |
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ANNOUNCER (O. C.)
(reading)
"Probin' Man and Probin' Latex
Condoms are registered trademarks
of the We're In More Ass Agency
and its' corporate affiliates." |
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(b. g. - MAN & WOMAN ARE HEARD GIGGLING AND KISSING) |
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19.
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hm. Hmmm!" "Hm. Hmm. Hmmm!" |
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ANNOUNCER (O. C.)
(reading)
We DO NOT claim responsibility for
any and/or every sexually
transmitted disease...- |
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(b. g. - MAN & WOMAN GIGGLE) |
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ANNOUNCER (O. C.)
(reading)
-pregnancy...- |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hm. Hmmm!" "Hm. Hmm. Hmmm!" |
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ANNOUNCER (O. C.)
(reading)
-and/or paternity test(s) set
forth against...- |
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(b. g. - MAN & WOMAN MOAN) |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hm. Hmmm!" "Hm. Hmm. Hmmm!" |
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ANNOUNCER (O. C.)
(humming)
-and/or caused "ALLEGEDLY" by
Probin' Man. If questioned of
events of the nature as such as
ANY of the above...- |
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(b. g. - MAN & WOMAN MOAN LOUDER) |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hm. Hmmm!" "Hm. Hmm. Hmmm!" |
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20.
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ANNOUNCER (O. C.)
(reading)
-WE... the We're In More Ass
Agency... AND our Corporate
affiliates... INDEFINITELY... and
UNEQUIVOCALLY... plead the fifth! |
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(b. g. - MAN & WOMAN CLIMAX TOGETHER) |
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CHORUS (O. C.)
(humming)
"Hm. Hm. Hmmm!" "Hm. Hmm. Hmmm!" |
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ANNOUNCER (O. C.)
(to camera)
Thank you!
(sharply)
BUY PROBIN'!! |
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(b. g. - DIAL TONE) |
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THE END |
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