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Unmotivated Speaker
by joe donahue (gruvnor@yahoo.com)

Rated: PG   Genre: Comedy   User Review: **1/2
A police comedy that has as many twist as a licorice whip. Short but sweet.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


The back alley entrance of Ricco's Restaurante is typical of
any mafia crime scene. It is surrounded on both sides by two
rain soaked, red brick buildings. The dumpster is covered
with spray painted gang grafitti. There is a never ending
surge of steam coming from the manhole cover.

A heavy set woman in full clown garb exits Ricco's back
entrance. The woman's face is covered in white and red make
up with a large red plastic nose. She wears an oversized
multi-colored blouse with matching pants and her feet are
submerged in largely oversized red clown shoes.

The woman proceeds to her polka-dot mini car. As she clicks
the remote to unlock the doors, a well-built and muscular
man wearing a ski mask approaches. He aims his black 9mm
weapon at the woman. She screams in horror and runs a few
feet before her giant shoes trip up, and she falls. The
masked man walks up, points the gun at her head and pulls
the trigger. BOOM. He then puts his cell phone to his ear.
                       MASKED MAN
      (In an Irish
It's done.
The flash of a circa 1950's camera eluminates the murder
scene. Detective JOHN LYMAN of the Chicago Police Department
stands over the sheet covered body of the clown the night
before. He stands with in an authoritative way with his arms
crossed at the chest. John is a big man in stature and
intuitivness. He is the best murder detective on the force
today. He speaks in an authoritative manor, naturally
projecting his voice for all to hear.
A uniformed detective hands John a multi-colored make-up
case. He looks at intently, pondering what happening here
last night.
Hey, Surion, have you ever one of
these before?


John tosses the make-up case to his longtime assistant
detective, Surion.
No, never. What is it?
It's a clown's make-up case. I've
only read about them in books.
That's quite a find we have here.
Surion hands off the makeup case to a nearby officer.
Put this in evidence and check it
for prints.
John turns and looks directly into the camera for his
This isn't any other Circus
related murder. Looks like the
Clown family got what was coming
to them. The victim's name is
LESLIE ANCALIME, long time boss of
that family.
John looks down at the corpse and stares at the fat body.
All the while, the action of the scene continues behind him.
A detective in a long grey trenchcoat questions a
handcuffed, burly, musclebound man.
                       JOHN (Con't)
We know it was the Irish Strong
Man family. They've become the
most mafia family in the circus.
Overtaking the Swedish Tight Rope
Walkers. This is just the
beginning of mob wars.
John doesn't notice that Surion has brought MICK O'SULLIVAN
up for questioning.
John, Mr. O'Sullivan says he saw
everything. Do you want me to
bring downtown or???
John cuts off Surion.


I'll take him.
Surion steps inside of Ricco's Restaurante.
What Surion didn't tell John is that Mick speaks very
slowly. He has a hard time putting together sentences
quickly. He takes a few seconds, or more, between words.
I am going to record your answers.
Is that alright?
Mick nods in agreement. John presses record on his micro
cassett recorder.
What did you see here last night?
      (In an Irish
Well.. sir, first... I... have
to... tell... you... that I...
have lived... in... this...
neighborhood... a long... time. I
have... seen... many... things...
                       POLICEMAN 1
Crispy Cream's here. Come and get
Doughnuts. I want one.
John calls Surion over. Mick continues talking in the slow
paced manor telling the story of what happened the previous
Find a place to put this while I
get a doughnut.
Is he gonna keep talking?
The thing is recording, dumbass.


John walks off to get a doughnut. John looks around the
alley for a place to put down the recorder. He tries the
dumpster, but the recorder keeps slipping down the grimey
plastic cover. So he bends down, unties and unlaces the shoe
of Lesile the murder victim. He ties the shoelace around the
recorder and places over Mick's head and around his neck.

As Surion walks off, John returns doughnut and coffee in
                       MICK (Con't)
There... was... a masked...
person... with...
As Mick slowly continues his story, the suspect being
questioned behind John runs off. The questioning detective
and Surion run after him. The suspect runs past John and
Mick, screaming his innocence in a heavy Irish accent. John
hardly notices the suspect, due to his boredom, and
continues listening to Mick, though he is starting to lose
a gun... He was... a... big...
Surion walks past, retreating back in to Ricco's.
We got him. They are bringing him
back now.
Great, that's neat.
Neat? Neat? Really? What is this
What? It's not 1952. Oh crap...
Pandemoneum ensues as everyone realizes that it's not 1952.
Policeman scramble around and run out of the alley. John
panics and runs out of the alley to his unmarked car, Surion
follows. Mick continues his story of last nights events. As
the entire alley clears out, the suspect Patrick McLennan
walks up next to Mick.
      (In Irish accent)
Hey, have you ever seen the movie
Stakeout 2?


Well, there is a scene where Rosie
O'Donnell is taking a bath, it's
so hot.
Yeah... it's... too bad... she's
What do you mean she's gay? I love
her? I can't this anymore.
With the horrible Rosie news pearcing Patricks head, he runs
off crying, still in hand cuffs.
Surion runs behind Mick screaming.
My computer. My computer.
Now Mick stands in the alley alone, not a soul around. He
finally has the chance to get what he's done off his chest.
Yeah... I killed the Clown family
boss. I killed her real good. You
see, I couldn't allow her to lead
the revolt against the Strong Man
family. She was too powerful.
With that said, John looks around slowly and walks out of
the alley.
Now the alley lay bare, except for the sheet covered body of
Leslie the Clown mob boss. After more than a few moments of
quite and being alone, Leslie stands up from under the
sheet, fixes her makeup and walks off.
John and Surion return to the crime scene befudled by the
missing body.
Man, we lost another one. What are
we gonna do?


I don't know, Surion. I don't
know, but CAPTAIN MANNIX is going
to be pissed.
The two detectives enter Ricco's for a drink to ponder the
days events.
After a few moments, Surion returns to the alleyway and
beings screaming again.
My computer. My computer.
Surion stands alone for a moment, then realizes that there
is a free drink waiting for him at the bar. He again enters
the Ricco's, leaving the alley deserted and desolate.


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From Bradley Ferguson Date 2/5/2005 **1/2
Nothing funnier than a fat woman in a clown suit, and her tripping on her big feet is hilarious. I would like to see that scene. Other than that your script is wordy and confusing.

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