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Tuxedo Brothers: Episode 1 - Security Reasons
by Chris (thehappyteacake@gmail.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***
In this pilot episode of Tuxedo Brothers: two University graduates get a phone call from a mysterious voice about robbing a house where the reward is becoming a secret agent.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author and The Happy Teacake Inc (www.thehappyteacake.com) 2005. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



INT. SECRET AGENT HQ (OUTSIDE MEETING ROOM) - DAY
                                                            
Ozzy and Chris are sat at a bench looking restless. They
look over to a big steel door. At that point, Chris stands
up.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
I’m not going to sit here like a
lemon while some guys in suits in
there decide if we get to live or
die. To quote Adolf Hitler at the
Munich Putsch, “I’m getting the
fuck out of here!”
                                                            
Chris begins to run away. Ozzy stands up.
                                                            
                       OZZY
Wait!!!
                                                            
Chris turns around.
                                                            
                       OZZY
To quote Marie Antoinette, “Let
them eat cake!”
                                                            
Ozzy and Chris proceed to run away from the scene. About
five seconds later, a bearded guy in a suit walks out. This
guy is called Agent Smith (no Matrix jokes please).
                                                            
                       SMITH
Good news guys…
                                                            
Smith sees the vacancy of the room. He quickly picks up his
walkie-talkie and speaks into it.
                                                            
                       SMITH
Johnson, they’ve ran away. We’re
on red alert! We must get them
before they escape.
                                                            
                       JOHNSON
      (On walkie-talkie)
Can we make it blue alert? Red
lights make the test monkeys
hyper.
                                                            
 
INT. SECRET AGENT HQ (CORRIDOR) - DAY
                                                            
Ozzy and Chris run down a corridor as the sirens begin to
sound. They run some more until they abruptly stop. The

2.

reason for them stopping: three secret agents in front of
them with machine guns.

The screen suddenly freezes.
                                                            
                       CHRIS (V.O.)
So you’re wondering how we got
into this position. It’s a long
story. A very long story with more
twists than a… Hey… Wait a minute…
Doesn’t this remind you of the
beginning of every Cockney
gangster film? We’re at the near
end of the story, and the main
characters are narrating! What the
hell?
                                                            
                       OZZY (V.O.)
Maybe it is! We must follow the
codes and conventions of this.
                                                            
                       CHRIS (V.O.)
How do we do that?
                                                            
                       OZZY (V.O.)
Allow me. I’ll work my Cockney
magic.
(Coughs; Cockney voice)
The facking rozzers were onto our
facking drug factory, so we kicked
their facking poof arses!
(Normal)
There… That should do it…
(Cockney voice)
Facking canty bollocky arse!
                                                            
 
EXT. FLUNK UNIVERSITY - DAY
                                                            
TITLE CARD: “110678400 SECONDS EARLIER… (6 MONTHS EARLIER)”
                                                            
It is the big graduation day at Flunk University. Many
parents, lecturers and members of the university’s committee
board are sat in their seats. They are watching the young
looking, white skinned Dean Dean gives a speech on stage in
front of thousands of seated students.
                                                            

3.

                       DEAN DEAN
And so, ladies and gentleman of
the audience, that is why more
white men should be persecuted
over black men because that’s how
Jesus Christ intended it. Can I
get a hallelujah my brothers?
                                                            
Silence.
                                                            
                       DEAN DEAN
      (Grumbling to self)
I knew I shouldn’t have asked
Spike Lee to write this.
                                                            
Meanwhile, in the crowd of graduates, a guy called Chris
looks into the distance reminiscing. Chris is a twenty-one
year old with a slightly unshaven look along with shoulder
length brown hair.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Ahhh… What a long way we’ve come
here at Flunk University ey Ozzy?
From our early days of swilling
beer, to our last days of chugging
beer. What do you think Ozzy…? Oz?
                                                            
He turns around to see the guy known as Ozzy. The same age
as Chris, he is clean shaven with average length hair. Ozzy
is fast asleep.
                                                            
                       OZZY
      (Sleep talking)
Come on Britney, you deep throated
the whipped cream, why are…
                                                            
                       CHRIS
      (Nudging Ozzy)
Oz!
                                                            
Ozzy wakes up, making groaning noises as he does.
                                                            
                       OZZY
Where am I?
                                                            
                       CHRIS
We’re at the graduation. You are
about to get your diploma!
                                                            
                       OZZY
My dip… Oh no! I’m in one of those
dreams where I end up in my
underwear!
                                                            

4.

                       CHRIS
      (Looking towards
       stage)
If we’re in a dream, it’s not
yours.
                                                            
Suddenly, there’s uproar of laughter as on the stage, a guy
in his underwear is given his diploma from Dean Dean. The
guy looks down after suspecting something and runs away
embarrassed.
                                                            
                       OZZY
Phew… Glad that wasn’t me… That
would’ve hindered the chances of a
religion based upon myself
forming.
                                                            
Back at the stage…
                                                            
                       DEAN DEAN
That was hilarious! I hope the
tabloids got a picture of that
one. Anyway, the next graduate to
receive his diploma is Pau…
                                                            
                       OZZY (O.C.)
Don’t you dare!
                                                            
Long pause.
                                                            
                       DEAN DEAN
Fine. The next graduate to receive
his diploma is…
(Mockingly)
Ozzy!
                                                            
Ozzy gets out of his seat. Chris looks on clapping. He
miserably grumbles though, bored out of his mind. He gets
his notepad and pen that is conceived under his mortar
board. On a new page, he writes: “Hit Mum for marrying guy
with W surname…”
                                                            
 
EXT. FLUNK UNIVERSITY - DAY
                                                            
It is post-graduation. Everybody is stood around chatting
and drinking cheap wine. Chris and Ozzy are stood in the
middle of this celebration.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
I can’t believe it. This
graduation was incident free…
                                                            

5.

Dean Dean walks up to Chris angrily.
                                                            
                       DEAN DEAN
I swear Chris, if I ever see you
walking in the middle of the road
while I’m driving, I won’t brake!
                                                            
Dean Dean storms away.
                                                            
                       OZZY
What the…?
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Ah yeah. While getting my diploma,
I pointed out how I was the one
who laced his tea with laxatives
at that mime convention last year.
                                                            
                       OZZY
Oh… Um…
(Looks around)
Hey Anty, get over here you crazy
reindeer!
                                                            
Anty, a crazy cigar smoking, sunglasses wearing, Martini
drinking reindeer who can speak walks up to them hesitantly.
                                                            
                       ANTY
Ozzy, my name is Karl; it has and
always will be Karl. This “Anty”
name is gay and for four years you
have called me it again and again.
Do you mind?
                                                            
Silence.
                                                            
                       OZZY
Hey Anty, do you want to reminisce
about how much we partied?
                                                            
                       ANTY
No! Goodbye! I hope to never see
you again, you incredibly annoying
piece of crap!
                                                            
Anty places a cigar in his mouth and lights it while he
walks away from the duo.
                                                            
                       OZZY
      (Oblivious)
What a nice guy!
                                                            

6.

                       CHRIS
Indeed. But we must put people
like that behind us. We’re now off
into the employment world to begin
working in lower management and
work up to lower-middle
management!
                                                            
                       OZZY
Wooo! I can’t wait!
                                                            
 
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
                                                            
TITLE CARD: “182 DAYS LATER… (5 MONTHS AND 30 DAYS LATER)”
                                                            
Chris and Ozzy are sat on their settee. Both of them now
have long hair and look rather scruffy. Ozzy wears a T-Shirt
saying: “My other T-Shirt is employed” while playing on the
Playstation 2. Meanwhile, Chris is calculating something.
                                                            
Cut to the television. As a rendition of Megadeth’s “Crush
‘Em” plays, the words: “MEGA DEAF” pop up on the screen. It
then cuts to a scene with two people.
                                                            
                       PERSON #1
      (Mumbling)
Mhmmph mhphm mhph?
                                                            
                       PERSON #2
What???
                                                            
Then on the screen, it says: “MISSION 1: FIND HEARING AID”!

Back to Chris, he types something on the calculator and
presses the equals button. He pulls a face.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Oz, we’re not gonna be able to pay
the rent. We’ll have to blackmail
the landlord with a photo of him
making a pass at David Hasslehoff
again.
                                                            
                       CPU GAME NARRATOR (V.O.)
Professor Eliminate makes the
whole world deaf! You lose!
                                                            
Ozzy puts the computer control down and stands up.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Where are you going?
                                                            

7.

                       OZZY
To get a job. We need to pay the
rent you know. I’ve got a wide
range of jobs I can go for with my
Astrophysics degree…
                                                            
 
EXT. MCDONALDS - DAY
                                                            
Ozzy walks up to McDonald’s and enters. On the side of the
restaurant, it says: “Now hiring McFailures ©.”
                                                            
 
INT. MCDONALDS STAFF ROOM - DAY
                                                            
A makeshift interview space has been set up. Ozzy (with his
beard now cut and hair shorter) looks nervous as the
interviewer; a middle-aged woman looks at him.

                                                            
                       INTERVIEWER
Now Ozzy, we don’t want you to
worry during this process. At
McDonald’s, we think
qualifications do not mean squat,
unless they’re – of course -
McQualifications. What we care
about is your McPersonality. Now
tell us, what do you think is good
about your McPersonality.
                                                            
                       OZZY
      (Struggling)
I… I like working, I guess… Also,
I like football and tennis!
                                                            
                       INTERVIEWER
Oookkay… How about the bad things
about your McPersonality?
                                                            
                       OZZY
Oh, that’s easy. I’m incompetent,
a future mean drunk, lazy,
selfish, sex driven rat bastard
who is aggressive and likes to
take free samples from stores if
you get my drift!
                                                            
The interviewer looks shocked at him.
                                                            
 

8.

EXT. MCDONALDS - DAY
                                                            
Ozzy walks out of the store looking a bit upset – his
interview obviously didn’t go well. He takes a few steps
forward before looking around. Then he sneakily grabs a Big
Mac from his jacket pocket.
                                                            
                       OZZY
Hehehe…
                                                            
 
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
Chris is playing on the PS2 while Ozzy is pacing back and
forth like a mental patient.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
You told them you take free
samples? Geez I wonder why they
didn’t you.
                                                            
                       CPU GAME NARRATOR (V.O.)
Professor Eliminate is deaf.
(Dramatically)
Oh the irony!
                                                            
Chris puts the controller down and stands up.
                                                            
                       OZZY
Well I don’t see you getting a
job.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
I can’t. A diploma in: “Crap” is
worth nothing these days.
                                                            
                       OZZY
You didn’t take crap!
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Yeah I did!
                                                            
Cut over to the wall where it has Chris' framed diploma in
it. It says: “Chris Wilson: Cool McDude: BA Hons in
Poology”, with the "Chris Wilson" crossed out and "Cool
McDude" written in scruffily.
                                                            
                       OZZY
So what do we do now? I say we
dress you up as Brad Pitt, take a
picture of you having sex with a
pillow and sell it off to The Sun.
                                                            

9.

                       CHRIS
Hey! I would never downgrade my
looks, not even for millions of
pounds!
                                                            
Suddenly, the telephone rings. Chris walks up to the phone
on the wall and answers it.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Hola!
                                                            
                       MYSTERY VOICE
      (On phone)
Hello Agent Ramsbottom. Tonight,
you will go on your secret
mission, which will determine
whether or not you become a secret
agent.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
What the hell? I think you’ve got
the wro…
                                                            
                       MYSTERY VOICE
      (On phone)
If you succeed, you become a
secret agent. But, if you fail,
you will be killed for security
reasons. Are you up for this task?
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Um… Hang on…
(To Ozzy)
Hey Ozzy, do you want to be killed
for security reasons?
                                                            
                       OZZY
Sure!
                                                            
                       CHRIS
      (Into phone)
Yep, what’s the task?
                                                            
                       MYSTERY VOICE
      (On phone)
Tonight, you must go to The Happy
Street. At 3am, a large limousine
will hand you items to use and
further instructions. Good luck…
                                                            
The mystery voice then hangs up. Chris looks confused at the
phone before putting it back on the hook. He turns around to
Ozzy.
                                                            

10.

                       OZZY
What was that all about?
                                                            
                       CHRIS
      (Confused)
Apparently, we must go to The
Happy Street at 3am to do a top
secret mission. And if we succeed,
we become secret agents.
                                                            
                       OZZY
Must be a practical joke, surely!
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Yeah I guess you’re right.
                                                            
                       OZZY
Oh well… I’m off to bed in order
to become vulnerable to dream
eating demons, vampires and John
Barnes’ rapping. Night!
                                                            
Ozzy exits the room. Chris leans back against the wall
thinking.
                                                            
 
INT. APARTMENT (CHRIS' ROOM) - NIGHT
                                                            
In the dark, Chris is sat up. He is thinking about several
things. With some slight hesitation, he gets out of bed. As
he climbs out of bed, it is revealed that he went to bed
wearing burglar black clothes on.
                                                            
 
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
Chris walks through the room and picks up his framed
diploma. He goes over to a window, opens it and throws the
diploma away like a Frisbee. You can hear the diploma crash
land and set off a car alarm. Then Towser goes to the front
door and exits.

Little does Chris realise that there is a note on the door.
It reads: “Gone to buy cheap crack from Happy Street –
Ozzy”.
                                                            
 
EXT. HAPPY STREET - NIGHT
                                                            
Chris is in the nearby alleyway. He pops his head out into
the street, looks left and right before tip-toeing into the
street.

11.


Meanwhile, Ozzy is leant against a lamppost trying to look
cool. Suddenly, he bumps into Chris, who isn’t watching
where he is going.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Ooph!
(Sees Ozzy)
Oz, what are you doing here?
                                                            
                       OZZY
Went to get cheap crack.
Unfortunately, the drug dealer is
currently doing life in jail for
going one mile over the speed
limit. You?
                                                            
                       CHRIS
I realised that I went to Uni for
four years on a course about
manure!
                                                            
                       OZZY
You should’ve done a course like I
did: astrophysics!
                                                            
                       CHRIS
You should’ve done English
instead. Your course was actually
on Aero-chocolate.
                                                            
Quick pause.
                                                            
                       OZZY
Well at least I know why my course
had emphasis on bubble technology
now.
                                                            
Suddenly, a large black limousine pulls up. Chris and Oz
look intrigued as the window of the back door opens. Chris
looks in, only to be hit in the head by a briefcase that
flies out of the window. The limousine drives away after
that. Ozzy walks up to the briefcase and opens it. He looks
inside and shows amazement on his face.
                                                            
                       OZZY
Whoa! I can’t believe it!
                                                            
Chris staggers up to Ozzy. He has a bloody nose.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Is it a First Aid kit? That’d be
conveniently great!
                                                            

12.

Inside the briefcase, there are several hi-tech gadgets and
an envelope. Ozzy picks up the envelope, tears and opens it
before reading it.
                                                            
                       OZZY
Agent Ramsbottom, your mission is
to break into Hyde Mansion at the
edge of town. After breaking in,
you must retrieve the stolen
diamond worth a million pounds
without getting caught. You then
must leave the premises in order
to get picked up by Agent Smith.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Sounds simple enough.
                                                            
                       OZZY
      (Mr T impression)
Let’s get robbin’, FOOL!
                                                            
 
EXT. HYDE MANSION - NIGHT
                                                            
Chris and Ozzy tip-toe slowly to the side of the mansion. As
soon as they get there, they hide beneath the window. Ozzy
undoes the briefcase and grabs some of the contents out of
it.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Alright Ozzy, I want us to
synchronise watches in three, two,
one, now!
                                                            
Chris presses his watch. He then looks over to Oz, who seems
preoccupied with the equipment. Chris nudges him, making him
look up.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Oz... Did you synchronise watches
with me?
                                                            
                       OZZY
No.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Why?
                                                            
                       OZZY
Coz I can't tell time.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Good point! Let’s go!
                                                            

13.

                       OZZY
Wait! You need to take equipment
from the briefcase. You’ll need
the thermal transferor so cameras
are incapable of detecting one’s
body heat, the elongated
trigger-rope to ascend walls and
for emergencies: a laser
bombarding mobile phone.
Questions?
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Yeah. You can’t read time but yet
you can use big words. What’s up
with that?
                                                            
 
INT. HYDE MANSION - NIGHT
                                                            
The scene inside looks dark. Despite this, you can see there
are many posh things (most probably very valuable) in there.
Ozzy and Chris are still on the outside, looking through the
window.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Stand back!
                                                            
Chris puts a machine with suction cups onto the window. He
then presses a button. The machine makes a large screeching
noise that makes Oz and Chris cringe. Suddenly, the machine
falls off the window.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Damn it!
                                                            
Oz looks at the window. He grabs the handle, twists it. The
window opens! Ozzy looks at Chris, who looks annoyed.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
The machine weakened it you know!
                                                            
 
INT. HYDE MANSION - NIGHT
                                                            
A few minutes later from the last scene. Ozzy and Chris both
have torches in their hands, searching around the room.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Can you see anybody?
                                                            
                       OZZY
No… Unless a raccoon counts as
somebody.
                                                            

14.

                       CHRIS
It doesn’t.
                                                            
                       OZZY
Then definitely no.
                                                            
Chris grabs some goggles from his pocket.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
I better look for the diamond on
these hi-tech capitalist detector
goggles thingies.
                                                            
He presses the button and begins to scan around.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Bloody hell! Ozzy, you’re in luck!
There IS a Wimpy Restaurant here.
                                                            
                       OZZY
I haven’t mentioned anything at
any point tonight about Wimpy.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Shame… It would’ve been a perfect
set up for a gag.
(Points)
The diamond’s over there so let’s
go rob this guy, go home and watch
GMTV.
                                                            
                       OZZY
Hooray!
                                                            
 
INT. HYDE MANSION - NIGHT
                                                            
About two minutes later from the last scene. Chris and Ozzy
are in the same room as the diamond. The diamond is in a
glass container, resting on a scarlet red cushion with a
light from the ceiling illuminating it. Surrounding this
container are many, many red lasers.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Okay Ozzy, we…
                                                            
                       OZZY
Run up to it, set off the lasers,
get caught and then go to jail?
                                                            
Long pause.
                                                            

15.

                       CHRIS
No… That’s plan B. We’ll have to
go to the floor above, cut a hole
in the floor and one of us will
have to abseil down. Now… How many
beers have you had tonight Oz?
                                                            
                       OZZY
Sixteen.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
I’ll abseil down then.
                                                            
Both of them walk towards the stairs. When they reach the
first step, both stop.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Sixteen cans of beers? Shouldn’t
you have alcohol poisoning?
                                                            
                       OZZY
Cans? I thought you meant crates!
                                                            
Ozzy walks on. Chris raises an eyebrow.
                                                            
 
INT. HYDE MANSION - NIGHT
                                                            
Back in the diamond room. Ozzy and Chris look through the
hole to see the fallen ground has fallen right on top of the
glass container instead of onto the lasers.
                                                            
                       OZZY
That’s lucky.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
That’s more than lucky. Now lower
me down before we use more
insurance ad gags!
                                                            
                       OZZY
Fine, but this lowering sequence
has been done on a Directline ad
before too.
                                                            
Chris climbs through the hole. He is quickly lowered,
Mission Impossible style, towards the diamond. He looks
nervous as he gets closer to his destination.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
      (To himself)
Easy does it.
                                                            

16.

He gets down to just above the container. Chris gets out a
laser pen from his pocket and aims the light at the top of
the glass. Slowly, he cuts out a circular shape out of the
glass, a shape that caves in. Chris stretches his arm, but
his arm can’t reach.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Oz. Lower!
                                                            
                       OZZY
Yeah, that’s what you said to that
Frenchman that time!
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Feck off!
                                                            
Without thinking, Chris looks up at Ozzy, causing the laser
pen to aim up as well. The laser hits Ozzy right between the
eyes. Oz flinches back and crashes into the bed.
                                                            
                       OZZY
Argh! My beautiful corneas!
(Long pause)
Oh… Hello you lovely yet extremely
pissed off owners of this
particular mansion.
                                                            
There is a clicking sound. This sets off loud alarms and red
flashing lights throughout the whole mansion. Chris looks
around nervously. He fiddles around with his harness and
gets released from it. It causes him to go right through the
glass container. Making a mess, he lands on the ground,
conveniently next to the diamond. He grabs it, stands up
and runs like hell.
                                                            
 
EXT. HYDE MANSION - NIGHT
                                                            
Chris runs out of the mansion with the diamond in his arms.
He then looks around.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Ozzy?
                                                            
Suddenly, Ozzy comes crashing through the window on the
second storey. He screams whilst doing so. He somehow lands
safely in a huge bush. Chris rushes up to him.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Oz, are you alright?
                                                            

17.

                       OZZY
      (Standing up)
Better than the cat I just landed
on.
                                                            
Ozzy climbs out of the bush. He brushes himself down as
police sirens can be heard in the distance. Chris looks left
and right urgently.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Quick! Before the cops capture us
and convert us into Christians!
                                                            
They run for it. Dashing across the large garden, they end
up at a large row of hedges. They struggle, trying to think
of a way around them. Ozzy takes a step back before charging
into the hedge. It causes a large space to climb through.
                                                            
 
EXT. OUTSIDE HYDE MANSION - NIGHT
                                                            
Chris escapes, meeting Ozzy (who is on the ground) at the
otherside. Ozzy stands and they begin to quickly dash down
the road, trying not to drop the diamond.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Well… Tonight can’t get anymore
interesting…
                                                            
Suddenly, a black limousine drives up to them. A large black
sleeved arm grabs Chris and tries to tug him in. Chris grabs
onto Ozzy for leverage. One last tug and Chris ends up in
the limo, along with Ozzy.

The limousine quickly drives away.
                                                            
 
INT. LIMOUSINE - NIGHT
                                                            
Ozzy and Chris look across slightly confused at a straight
haired, bearded man wearing sunglasses called Agent Smith.
Agent Smith sighs.
                                                            
                       SMITH
Ramsbottom, whichever he is out of
you two, why did you bring someone
along with you?
                                                            
                       OZZY
Uhm… Both of us… We kinda… We
kinda aren’t Ramsbottom.
                                                            

18.

                       CHRIS
Yeah, we got a call earlier this
evening about this robbery thing
and thought it sounded like a
hoot.
                                                            
                       SMITH
Oh. Well I hope you realise that
if one of you were Ramsbottom and
he did bring someone else along, I
would’ve killed the someone else
for security reasons.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Which means…?
                                                            
                       SMITH
For security reasons, you two will
be killed.
                                                            
A very long awkward silence happens as Chris and Ozzy look
shocked.
                                                            
                       OZZY
      (Dramatically)
Dun-dun-dun-dun!!!
                                                            
                       CHRIS
B-B-But… But you can’t kill us for
your errors! We should’ve never
got that call.
                                                            
                       SMITH
Yours and Agent Ramsbottom’s
number is probably almost the
same.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Our phone number is 872010.
                                                            
                       SMITH
Yes, see… That’s only ten
thousand, nine hundred and forty
eight numbers higher than his
number.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
I don’t wanna die. I wanna live to
see Michael Jackson sent to jail.
Why can’t we be secret agents
anyway? We just successfully stole
this diamond for you without any
sort of damage done…
                                                            

19.

                       OZZY
Yeah! Co-incidentally, a friend of
mine wants to know whether or not
it’s a good idea to send a muffin
basket to a family with a hole in
their floor and a squashed pet
cat?
                                                            
                       SMITH
Listen. You may live. It’s not up
to me though; it’s up a bunch of
other people at HQ! If you don’t
do anything stupid while we’re
there, we’ll be fine.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
      (To himself)
Easier said than done.
                                                            
 
EXT. SECRET AGENT HQ - NIGHT
                                                            
The limousine pulls up to the massive and beautiful looking
silvery/grey skyscraper of the secret agent HQ. Ozzy, Chris
and Agent Smith get out and begin to walk on the stairs up
to the building. Whilst doing so, Ozzy trips over and bangs
his knee.
                                                            
                       OZZY
      ((William Shatner
       dramatic))
Ow! My knee! I shall… Never… Walk
again!
(Normally)
Hello lawsuit.
                                                            
Ozzy grabs out a piece of paper and a pen. He writes on a
list titled: “My Upcoming Lawsuits”! Chris and Smith, who
were looking to Ozzy turn to each other.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
I want to be trialled separately.
                                                            
 
INT. SECRET AGENT HQ (MAIN ENTRANCE) - NIGHT
                                                            
A few minutes later. Ozzy and Chris are being guided forward
by Agent Smith. Ozzy and Chris admire the view, a
high-budgeted design that puts the Scottish Parliament to
shame.
                                                            

20.

                       SMITH
Say… Would you guys like a guided
tour?
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Yeah sure thing. Seeing as we’re
going to die anyway.
                                                            
                       SMITH
Okay. We’ll start by going to the
room on the left… The Spaniards
call this room: “El Sexual
Ten-cion Ravamory!”
                                                            
After hearing the word “sex” among the sentence, Ozzy and
Chris walk quickly towards the room.
                                                            
 
INT. SECRET AGENT HQ (OUTSIDE MEETING ROOM) - NIGHT
                                                            
Ozzy and Chris dash into the room just to see a cold,
concrete room with a bench by the side of a dull window with
a pattern that makes it hard to see the outside world. Agent
Smith follows behind them.
                                                            
                       OZZY
What the…?
                                                            
                       SMITH
This is a bench. You sit on it
while your fate is decided!
                                                            
Agent Smith walks across the room and into another room.
Ozzy and Chris stand there looking a bit confused.
                                                            
                       OZZY
You must admit, that’s one
fiiiiine looking bench!
                                                            
 
INT. SECRET AGENT HQ (MEETING ROOM) - DAY
                                                            
Agent Smith stands up and closes the blinds, stopping the
morning sunshine from coming in. He is in the same room as
two other agents who are in the sunglasses and suit wearing
category. These are Agent Thomas and Agent Johnson.
                                                            

21.

                       THOMAS
Do they seem like good agents?
We’re getting short on them you
know ever since Blair cut 250 jobs
in our department in order to hand
more “friendly” terrorist
operations over to Bush.
                                                            
                       SMITH
I don’t know Agent Thomas. They
are good. They got the diamond
back and…
                                                            
                       JOHNSON
What’s the problem then?
                                                            
                       SMITH
If you meet them for just a
minute, you know how easily
distracted they can be…
                                                            
 
INT. SECRET AGENT HQ (OUTSIDE MEETING ROOM) - DAY
                                                            
Ozzy and Chris are sat on the bench looking worried.
                                                            
                       OZZY
We’re gonna die… We’re gonna die…
(Looks across)
Oh! A penny!
                                                            
                       CHRIS
It’s my penny!
                                                            
Both of them dive towards the penny that is at the other end
of the room.
                                                            
 
INT. SECRET AGENT HQ (MEETING ROOM) - DAY
                                                            
Continue from the last scene in the meeting room. Agent
Smith is pacing back and forth.
                                                            
                       JOHNSON
What do you have to worry about?
We think they’d make great secret
agents.
                                                            
                       SMITH
But it’d put their lives in
extreme danger.
                                                            

22.

                       THOMAS
Your original proposition to me
and Johnson was to kill them for
security reasons, Smith. Your
proposition is more over the place
than Limp Bizkit lyrics.
                                                            
                       SMITH
Very good point. Maybe I’m worried
about them begin recruited to
being in my division and
completely showing their
incompetence.
                                                            
                       SMITH
Oh……… Poo!
                                                            
 
INT. SECRET AGENT HQ (OUTSIDE MEETING ROOM) - DAY
                                                            
Ozzy and Chris are sat on the bench looking restless. They
look over to the big steel door leading to the meeting room.
At that point, Chris stands up.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
I’m not going to sit here like a
lemon while some guys in suits in
there decide if we get to live or
die. To quote Adolf Hitler at the
Munich Putsch, “I’m getting the
fuck out of here!”
                                                            
Chris begins to run away. Ozzy stands up.
                                                            
                       OZZY
Wait!!!
                                                            
Chris turns around.
                                                            
                       OZZY
To quote Marie Antoinette, “Let
them eat cake!”
                                                            
Ozzy and Chris proceed to run away from the scene. About
five seconds later, Agent Smith walks out of the room.
                                                            
                       SMITH
Good news guys…
                                                            
Smith sees the vacancy of the room. He quickly picks up his
walkie-talkie and speaks into it.
                                                            

23.

                       SMITH
Johnson, they’ve ran away. We’re
on red alert! We must get them
before they escape.
                                                            
                       JOHNSON
      (On walkie-talkie)
Can we make it blue alert? Red
lights make the test monkeys
hyper.
                                                            
 
INT. SECRET AGENT HQ (CORRIDOR) - DAY
                                                            
Ozzy and Chris run down a corridor as the sirens begin to
sound. They run some more until they abruptly stop. The
reason for them stopping: three secret agents in front of
them with machine guns.

The screen suddenly freezes.
                                                            
                       CHRIS (V.O.)
So you’re wondering how we got
into this position. It’s a long
story. A very long story with more
twists than a…
                                                            
                       OZZY (V.O.)
We’re on the second time around
man, we don’t do this narrator
thing again.
                                                            
                       CHRIS (V.O.)
Oh… Right… Sorry…
                                                            
The screen goes back to normal. Ozzy and Chris take a step
back looking afraid.
                                                            
                       OZZY
I’ve got an idea Chris. You run
forward, screaming your arse off.
While they shoot you, I escape and
move to Frankenstein’s shack in
Transylvania!
                                                            
                       CHRIS
No, I’ve got a better idea!
                                                            
Chris stamps one of the agents in the foot. The agent yells
in pain, holding his foot whilst hopping up and down.
                                                            

24.

                       CHRIS
Time to eat fist you…
                                                            
With that, Agent Smith walks into the scene behind the three
gunmen.
                                                            
                       SMITH
Guys! Stop! You’re not in trouble,
in fact you’re now secret agents;
just we didn’t want you to escape
for…
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Don’t tell me… Security reasons?
                                                            
                       SMITH
Correct!
                                                            
                       OZZY
Christ, always with the security
reasons. If this was a TV show,
the episode title would be called:
“Security Reasons”.
                                                            
 
INT. SECRET AGENT HQ (MEETING ROOM) - DAY
                                                            
Agent Smith is sat in the room, opposite from Ozzy and
Chris.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
I’ve got an interesting question.
I imagine that these other
pretty-boy agents went to secret
agent school that had semesters on
martini sipping and how to sound
very British. So why did you
decide us two were up to the job?
                                                            
                       SMITH
You took a lead on something, went
with it and did a job
successfully. Why not?
                                                            
                       OZZY
Because I couldn’t even get a job
at McDonalds?
                                                            
                       SMITH
I wouldn’t worry about that.
McDonalds has been stricter on who
to hire ever since Saddam Hussein
fitted the McPersonality persona.
                                                            

25.

                       CHRIS
A fascist who’d spit in every
third burger?
                                                            
                       SMITH
Exactly.
                                                            
Suddenly, there is a buzzing sound, which makes a red light
on the top of the meeting room door flash. The three of them
turn around to the door.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Is that the steak and kidney pie I
ordered?
                                                            
                       SMITH
No… We decided to bring you your
tuxedos here while your sleeping
quarters are being arranged.
(Excitedly)
I hope you like rich looking
clothing.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
No we don’t!
                                                            
With that, a figure enters, hidden behind two beautiful
looking tuxedos.
                                                            
                       GUY
Here are your tuxedos gentlem…
                                                            
                       OZZY
Wait a minute…
(Excitedly)
Anty!!!
                                                            
With that, we get a shot of Anty, who reveals himself from
within the tuxedos. He looks dismayed at the sight of Ozzy
and Chris.
                                                            
                       ANTY
Oh……… Buggery!
                                                            


THE END


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From Paul Shannon Date 7/27/2005 ***
good, put a little more realism into it and it would nice to watch. As is, it seems way to fantasy.


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