Home Screenwriting Products Screenwriter Community Screenwriting Store
ScriptBuddy - Screenwriting Software for the Web

Screenwriter Community

Back to List of Published Screenplays
View/Leave Feedback

The Lord of the Things: The Friendship of the Thing
by Mark Tardif (shortdude6240@hotmail.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***
A spoof of first lord of the rings spoofing other actors and movies. Written by one very messed up guy.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



THE LORD OF THE THINGS: THE FRIENDSHIP OF THE
THING


EXT. BATTLE FIELD - DAY
                                                            
PROLOGUE
                                                            
Galadriel is standing in the middle of a deserted battle
field.
                                                            
                       GALADRIEL
Hi, I'm Galadriel, the narrator of
this film. What you are about to
see is the movie "The Lord of the
Rings" if it were created by two
really messed up guys and another
guy who wanted to make it into a
movie. We think he's messed up to.
                                                            
Randomly, a crazy guy runs onto the set.
                                                            
                       CRAZY GUY
I lost my virginity to a tree!
                                                            
OPENING CREDITS START
                                                            
The Elves are marching accross the battle fiel towards the
Dorks. Galadriel is standing on the edge of the battle
field.
                                                            
                       GALADRIEL
The dark lord Sauron created a
bunch of rings and gave 'em to a
bunch of important Elves, Dwarves
and Men. But, another ring was
made. It was used by Sauron to
control the important people. So
pretty much, the people got pissed
off and went to war against
Sauron. The people were winning
the war and finally arrived at
Mountain Dew where the ring was
created so they could finnaly
destroy it in it's fires. So, lets
take a look at what happens at the
final battle.
                                                            
The Elves stop marching and the main Elf, Elrond, gives a
pep talk to his army.
                                                            
                       ELROND
No longer will our race be the
only race to be called sissy by
the french! We will fight and we
will kick some dork ass! Oh, and
uhh... so will the army of men
over there.
                                                            
The camera moves away from the Elven army to the army of
men. There are 3 men there. 2 of them are holding big sticks
as weapons. the 3rd is holding a crappy sword. Everything
goes silent. Coughing can be heard.
                                                            

2.

                       ELROND
riiiiiiight.... Let's go!
                                                            
The Elf and Man armies start walking towards the Dork army.
The Dork army starts walking towards the Elf and Man armies.
One of the Dorks is picking his teeth.
                                                            
                       DORK
What you doing?
                                                            
                       DORK #2
I ate a whole live chicken for
lunch and i can't get the bones
out of my teeth.
                                                            
                       DORK
Yeah, that's what I don't like
about KFC.
                                                            
The armies charge at each other. The war begins. Arnold
Schwartzeneger kills a bunch of Elves.
                                                            
                       ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGER
Augh! Take zat! And zat! I hope
you left room for my fist cause
I'm going to ram it into your
stomach!
                                                            
The war continues. Godzilla arrives randomly and starts
eating Elves.
                                                            
Two German people walk by yelling angrily at each other.
                                                            
                       GERMAN GUY #1
Sie sind eine sehr nette und ein
großer Freund. Ich denke nicht,
dass ich je mich einige Ein ebenso
nett als Sie, mein lieber alter
Freund treffen könnte.
                                                            
                       GERMAN GUY #2
Vielen Dank für das gütig bemerkt
Reinhard. Ich werde Ihre
Freundschaft ewig schätzen.
                                                            
An extremely stupid guy is standing in the middle of war
repeatedly stabbing himself in the leg.
                                                            
A mime is randomly miming in the war.
                                                            
                       ELROND
This battle is worse than Clay
Aiken's christmas album!
                                                            
Isildur, the king of Men, is killing a bunch of Dorks.
Suddenly, the war stops. Everyone clears a path for Sauron
as he comes through.
                                                            
                       SAURON
I am the dork lord Sauron. I have
the one ring... (crazy camera
close up) TO RULE THEM ALL!
                                                            

3.

                       DORK
I hope Legendary Frog doesn't sue
us.
                                                            
                       SAURON
I am looking for the one they call
Isildur.
                                                            
                       ISILDUR
I'm Isildur.
                                                            
                       SAURON
Now I must kill you.
                                                            
                       ISILDUR
Bring it on, bitch.
                                                            
Sauron hits Isildur with a big stick. Isildur flies against
a rock. Sauron advances to put the hurt on Isildur.
                                                            
                       SAURON
Any last words?
                                                            
                       ISILDUR
Umm...your pants are unzipped.
                                                            
As Sauron looks down, Isildur cuts off Saurons finger which,
by coincidence, is the finger with the ring. Sauron's body
explodes and his head falls on the ground. His mask falls
off and he ends up being George W. Bush. John Kerry comes up
and kicks the head.
                                                            
                       JOHN KERRY
Thats for molesting my wife. Dick
Cheny's daughter is gay.
                                                            
EXT. TRAIL - DAY
                                                            
Isildur is riding on his horse, admiring his new ring.
                                                            
All of a sudden, he gets shot with many arrows.
                                                            
He falls into a near lake.
                                                            
Isildur just floats in the river dead, a shark comes and
eats him whole.
                                                            
                       GALADRIEL
      (V.O)
The ring was then passed to a
mindless crazy drooling
skitzophrenic monster named
Gollum.
                                                            
INT. CAVE - NIGHT
                                                            
Gollum is slouching on a rock looking at the ring.
                                                            
                       GOLLUM
We have founds it. It is ours. We
loves the precious.
                                                            

4.

                       SMEOGLE
      (Gollum's other
       personality)
No! We hates the precious!
                                                            
                       GOLLUM
No we loves the precious. We wants
to make love to the precious.
                                                            
                       SMEOGLE
No! We wants to make love to
women.
                                                            
                       GOLLUM
No! The precious!
                                                            
The ring slips from Gollum's hand and begins to fall down a
rock cliff.
                                                            
                       GOLLUM
Son of a bitch! We losts it!
                                                            
INT. ROCK - NIGHT
                                                            
The ring is on a rock by itself.
                                                            
Bilbob arrives and picks it up.
                                                            
                       BILBOB
Hmmm.... property of Mr. T.. cool.
                                                            
                       MR. T
      (O.S)
I pity the fool who took my ring!
Give it back sucka!
                                                            
                       GOLLUM
      (O.S)
PRECIOUS!!
                                                            
                       BILBOB
Holy shit! This place is scary.
                                                            
Bilbob leaves the cave.
                                                            
EXT. BATTLE FIELD - DAY
                                                            
Galadriel is standing on an abandoned battle field.
                                                            
                       GALADRIEL
And the ring stayed with the
little Slobbit for many years.
Until Sauron recreated himself.
Don't ask how, J.R.R Tolkien never
explained it.
                                                            
 
EXT. SHIRE - DAY
                                                            
Frodo is sitting against a tree. Reading. Porn.
                                                            
                       FRODO
      (To himself)
Oh yeah Ms. Semptember.
                                                            

5.

Frodo hears a car driving.
                                                            
Frodo runs to the road and he sees Gandoof driving his
really old and crappy station wagon.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Hey Gandoof. What a shitty car you
have.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Hey! Don't be dissing the station
wagon. This is one fine machine.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Whatever. So what are you doing in
the Shire?
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
I'm robbing a bank. Nah I'm just
kidding. Get in the car.
                                                            
Frodo gets in the station wagon.
                                                            
The Station Wagon suddenly breaks down and falls into many
pieces.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
We could always walk.
                                                            
They start walking down a dirt trail.
                                                            
                       FRODO
The shire really sucks now, we
have Michael Jackson hiding around
here all the time.
                                                            
Michael Jackson can be seen hiding behind a bush.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Michael Jackson, get the hell
outta the Shire.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL JACKSON
Osama Bin Ladan is here too.
                                                            
                       OSAMA
You shut up you.
                                                            
Frodo and Gandoof keep walking.
                                                            
Some young kids start chasing them.
                                                            
                       KIDS
Gandoof! Gandoof!
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Waddya think Frodo? Should I show
them some fire works?
                                                            
                       FRODO
Sure.
                                                            
Gandoof throws dynamite at the kids by accident. It
explodes.
                                                            

6.

                       GANDOOF
Woops. Wrong type of explosives.
                                                            
Gandoof laughs.
                                                            
Frodo looks at him in fear.
                                                            
EXT. BILBOB'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Gandoof knocks on Bilbob's door.
                                                            
                       BILBOB (O.S)
      (Yelling)
You goddamn Johovas stay away from
my house!!
                                                            
Bilbob opens the door holding a shot gun. He sees Gandoof
and smiles.
                                                            
                       BILBOB
Gandoof? Gandoof Garcia Rodriguez?
Is that you? Wow the years have
been great to you. How old are you
now?
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Four thousand three hundred and
thirty eight.
                                                            
                       BILBOB
Wow you're pretty old now.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Yeah, I sat behind Jesus in third
grade.
                                                            
                       BILBOB
Come on in I'm making coffee.
                                                            
INT. BILBOB'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Gandoof and Bilbob are now in Bilbob's house.
                                                            
Gandoof walks into the chandelier.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
      (Laughing)
I better watch where I'm going.
                                                            
A bowling ball falls from a shelf and falls on Gandoof's
head.
                                                            
INT. BILBOB'S KITCHEN - DAY
                                                            
Bilbob is making coffee. Gandoof is sitting at the table.
                                                            
                       BILBOB
So what have you been doing over
the years?
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Drugs.
                                                            

7.

                       BILBOB
I see.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Yeah I do drugs with Cheech and
Chong every thursday.
                                                            
Bilbob pours coffee into a coffee cup for Gandoof. He gives
the coffee to Gandoof.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Thank you.
                                                            
Bilbob only pours a little bit of coffee in his cup.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
That's not very much coffee.
                                                            
                       BILBOB
I'm leaving room for the special
ingrediant.
                                                            
Bilbob fills the coffee to the top with whiskey.
                                                            
 
EXT. FIELD - DAY
                                                            
Gandoof and Bilbob are on a field, smoking pipe weed.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Oh my god, I am so freakin'
stoned!
                                                            
                       BILBOB
God damn pink elephants.
                                                            
Cheech and Chong are there too.
                                                            
                       CHEECH
If the sky is blue, what colour is
the ground?
                                                            
                       CHONG
Woah that's trippy man.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Hey guys, spell racecar backwards.
                                                            
                       BILBOB
(Thinking) Racecar! Woah! Are you
god?
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Yeah, but don't tell anyone.
                                                            
                       CHONG
I think I met God once.
                                                            
                       GROUP
Wow!
                                                            
                       CHEECH
Sometimes clouds speak to me.
                                                            

8.

                       BILBOB
Me too.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
I have the muchies.
                                                            
 
EXT. PARTY - NIGHT
                                                            
Hundreds of Slobbits (and Gandoof) are at Bilbob's party.
They are all really drunk.
                                                            
Merry is picking a fight with a big guy.
                                                            
                       MERRY
      (Drunk)
You think you're better than me?
Huh? Wanna fight? You've insulted
me and I'm gonna kick your ass.
                                                            
The big guy punches Merry in the face and knocks him out.
That will teach him to go to the wrong church.
                                                            
Pippin is hitting on a lamp. Yes that's right, Pippin is so
wasted he is hitting on a lamp.
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
Hey baby. You're looking awfully
hot tonight. Do I turn you on?
(laughs) Sorry that was just
awful.
                                                            
Pippin falls over.
                                                            
Frodo is sitting at the bar all alone drinking a beer. The
beer is called "Slobbits Delight".
                                                            
Spam advances him.
                                                            
                       SPAM
Mr. Frodo, there's a party in my
pants and you're invited.
                                                            
                       FRODO
For the last time Spam, I'm not
going to a party in your pants. Go
ask Rosie.
                                                            
                       SPAM
      (In disgust)
Rosie? She's a girl!
                                                            
Spam walks up to Rosie.
                                                            
                       SPAM
Wanna go to a party in my pants?
                                                            
                       ROSIE
Meh, whatever.
                                                            
A Jewish guy is standing in the middle of the party looking
pissed off.
                                                            

9.

                       JEWISH GUY
This party is horrible. The food
is awful and the music is
horrible. I am outraged. Also,
someone made a joke about a naked
priest and a jew, i meanm cummon
people stop with the jokes.
                                                            
Gandoof launches some fireworks. The crowd cheers.
                                                            
A random naked crazy guy runs across the party.
                                                            
                       CRAZY GUY
I'm streaking!
                                                            
Merry and Pippin grab a big firework. They light it off. It
is a really cool and scary dragon firework.
                                                            
Gandoof walks up to them.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
      (Angrily)
Why the hell did you do that?
                                                            
                       MERRY
Boredom.
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
What are you gonna do about it?
                                                            
Gandoof changes Pippin into a goat.
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
      (As a goat)
Son of a bitch.
                                                            
Merry laughs at him.
                                                            
Bilbob gets on a stage in front of all the party guests.
                                                            
                       BILBOB
Hello ladies and gentlemen!
                                                            
The crowd cheers.
                                                            
                       BILBOB
And lentlemen.
                                                            
Michael Jackson stands up and cheers.
                                                            
                       BILBOB
I'm so glad you could make it all
to my one hundred and eleventh
birthday! And over the years I've
gotten to know all of you in the
shire so well. I like half of you
as much as you like O.J Simpson
which one quarter divided by five
of what you deserve.
                                                            
A slobbit shrugs.
                                                            

10.

                       BILBOB
And I regret to imform you, I'm
taking a vacation. And I don't
think I shall ever return.
                                                            
Bilbob puts on the ring and disapears.
                                                            
The crowd gasps.
                                                            
                       CHONG
Am I stoned or did that dude just
dissapear?
                                                            
EXT. PATHWAY TO BILBOB'S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
Bilbob (invisible) is walking to his house. You can see his
foot steps. All of a sudden, he randomly walks into a pot
hanging from a shelf.
                                                            
 
INT. BILBOB'S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
Bilbob (invisible) walks into his house. He takes off the
ring and suddenly reappears.
                                                            
                       BILBOB
(Laughs) I scared the crap outta
those bastards.
                                                            
Gandoof appears suddenly.
                                                            
                       BILBOB
How did you get here faster than
me?
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Through the backdoor dumbass!
                                                            
                       BILBOB
Oh. Well good bye, I'm going away
forever.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Where are you going?
                                                            
                       BILBOB
A nice place called Livinhell. I
hear alot of crazy old people live
there.
                                                            
Bilbob grabs a back pack and a walking stick and his magic
ring and starts to head out the door.
                                                            
                       BILBOB
      (Cartman type
       voice)
Screw you Gandoof, I'm going to
Livinhell.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Wait (beat) drop that ring.
                                                            

11.

                       BILBOB
No! It's mine!
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Bilbob, that ring is evil, leave
it here where it will never be
found.
                                                            
Bilbob drops the ring on the ground.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
And the drugs.
                                                            
Bilbob drops many different drugs on the ground.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
And the chicken.
                                                            
A live chicken falls to the ground.
                                                            
                       BILBOB
What are you gonna do with the
ring?
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Well I was gonna sell it on Ebay
but I'll just give it to Frodo.
                                                            
                       BILBOB
Okay but I get it on weekends.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
No.
                                                            
                       BILBOB
Fine.
                                                            
Bilbob leaves.
                                                            
Gandoof slowly bends down to grab the ring.
                                                            
Sauron's evil eye suddenly appears.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Woah! That's awesome!
                                                            
Gandoof is sitting on a chair, looking at the ring, talking
to himself.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
      (To himself)
My precious. I'll be back. Luke, I
am your father. I love the smell
of napalm in the morning.
                                                            
Frodo walks into Bilbob's house.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Hey Gandoof.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
I've been waiting for you, Frodo
my boy.
                                                            

12.

                       FRODO
You're not a pedophile are you?
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
No. (beat) I have a present for
you.
                                                            
Gandoof gives him the ring.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Uh... thanks?
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
It is an evil ring created by the
dark lord Sauron and he is trying
to get it back so he can take over
middle earth and destroy it and
all races cannot fight Sauron's
huge army and it is up to you to
destroy it in the fires of
mountain Dew which is a long and
dangerous mission you are middle
earth's only hope I should really
pause occasionaly when I speak.
                                                            
                       FRODO
That's bullshit! I'm not going on
a suicidal mission.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
You will do it! Middle Earth is
depending on you to destroy that
ring.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Fine. But only this once.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
That was easy. I thought we would
argue for a very long time.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Yeah but I'm trying to keep the
movie shorter. The audience is
already beginning to leave.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
      (to audience)
Hey assholes stay there and watch
the whole movie!
                                                            
                       FRODO
That should work.
                                                            
The bushes can be seen rattling. Gandoof approaches the
bushes. He starts beating the crap out of the bushes with
his staff. Gandoof pulls the thing out of the bushes. It is
Spam with bonoculars around his neck, Gandoof pulls him in
the house.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
What are you doing!? And why are
there bonoculars around your neck?
                                                            

13.

                       FRODO
Oh don't worry, he always does
this.
                                                            
                       SPAM
I was just gardening.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
But there is no garden you idiot.
For this, you will go on a
suicidal mission with Frodo which
will take years to complete.
                                                            
                       SPAM
I'm going somewhere with Frodo for
years? Kick ass.
                                                            
EXT. RANDOM HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
A man is outside of his house.
                                                            
An Albino Black Rider on a horse approaches him.
                                                            
                       BLACK RIDER
      (Whispering
       creepily)
Baggins.
                                                            
                       MAN
Did you just call me a fag!?
That's it I'm gonna kick your ass!
                                                            
The man tries to beat up the black rider but the black rider
just decapitates him with his sword.
                                                            
EXT. FOREST - DAY
                                                            
Gandoof, Frodo and Spam are in a forest.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Now watch out for Dorcs, Goblins
and O.J. Frodo, keep that ring
hidden. And always stick to the
forest, not the road. And for
christ's sakes Spam, don't take
pictures of Frodo while he's
sleeping.
                                                            
Gandoof leaves on his horse.
                                                            
Frodo and Spam start their journey.
                                                            
 
EXT. ISENGUARD - DAY
                                                            
Gandoof is walking up to a castle in Isenguard.
                                                            
Saruspam walks out of the castle and walks towards Gandoof.
                                                            
                       SARUSPAM
Hello old friend.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Hello you stubbarn old jackass.
                                                            

14.

                       SARUSPAM
Why are you here?
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
To tell you the ring has been
passed on to a young Slobbit named
Frodo.
                                                            
                       SARUSPAM
It seems through aging you have
lost your intelligence. How could
you let this happen?
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Don't worry, I have sent him and
his homosexual friend to destroy
it the fires of Mountain Dew.
                                                            
INT- CASTLE - DAY
                                                            
Saruspam attacks Gandoof with magic.
                                                            
                       SARUSPAM
I shall now kill you, Gandoof
Garcia Rodriguez.
                                                            
Gandoof attacks Saruspam with magic.
                                                            
                       SARUSPAM
Screw this.
                                                            
He pulls out two sub machine guns and blows the crap outta
Gandoof.
                                                            
                       SARUSPAM
That's for stealing my cookie
recipee.
                                                            
 
EXT. CORN FIELD - DAY
                                                            
Spam and Frodo are walking through a corn field.
                                                            
Pippin pops out and tackless Spam, Merry pops out and tacles
Frodo.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Oh thank god it's you guys. I
thought you were the children of
the corn for a second.
                                                            
                       SPAM
Go away guys, it's suppossed to be
just me and Frodo.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Oh c'mon Spam, we need more
company anyways.
                                                            
                       MERRY
Don't worry Frodo, we'll protect
you.
                                                            
A shotgun can be heard close by.
                                                            

15.

                       MERRY
Uh-Oh! The crazy chinese farmer is
back!
                                                            
                       FARMER (O.S)
      (Yelling)
You god damn kids stay the hell
away from my garden!!
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
RUN!!!!
                                                            
The Slobbits run out of the corn field.
                                                            
                       FARMER (O.S)
      (Yelling)
Quit throwing eggs at my cows!
                                                            
EXT. MIDDLE OF ROAD - DAY
                                                            
The Slobbits are on the road.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Uh guys... Gandoof says we're not
supposed to go the road.
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
Pff! What could possible happen?
                                                            
A speeding car randomly hits Pippin.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Oh crap guys! Hide! Get off the
road!
                                                            
The Slobbits run and hide under a giant tree root. The
retarded witch king approaches. He begins to bend over where
the Slobbits are hiding. He sniffs around. Pippin's cell
phone suddenly rings.
                                                            
                       WITCH KING
That sound reminds me of a tv show
them I heard once. It all started
when I was the guitarist for the
beatles, but back then you had to
squeeze milk from sewer rats.
                                                            
The Witch King continues his incredibly retarded story while
the Slobbits casually walk away.
                                                            
EXT. FOREST - NIGHT
                                                            
The Slobbits are in a dark scary forest.
                                                            
                       FRODO
      (Whispering)
We have to be very quiet, the
Albino Black Riders are still
around.
                                                            
Pippin's cell phone goes off again.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Damn it Pippin!
                                                            

16.

A horse can be heard galloping towards them.
                                                            
                       SPAM
Run for it!
                                                            
The Slobbits start running for the ferry while the Black
Riders chase them.
                                                            
The slobbits make it onto the ferry, which happens to be a
small raft.
                                                            
Pippin hasn't made it onto the ferry.
                                                            
                       MERRY
Hurry up Pippin!
                                                            
Pippin is now walking slowly bent over, breathing heavily.
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
It's not my fault I smoke too
much!
                                                            
                       FRODO
      (To Spam)
How's it not his fault?
                                                            
Spam shrugs.
                                                            
Pippin finally makes it onto the ferry.
                                                            
EXT. FERRY (RAFT) - NIGHT
                                                            
                       MERRY
You should really stop smoking
Pippin.
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
Shutup. You're not my real mom.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Okay, if any sharks come, Pippin
can be the bait.
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
Oh boy!
                                                            
EXT. LAND - DAY
                                                            
The Slobbits dock the raff and get off it.
                                                            
Tom Bombadil approaches them.
                                                            
                       TOM BOMBADIL
Ho! I'm Tom Bombadil!
                                                            
Peter Jackson comes into the scene with a rifel and shoots
Tom Bombadil.
                                                            
                       PETER JACKSON
Not in my movie!
                                                            
 

17.

EXT. SMALL TOWN - NIGHT
                                                            
It is a dark and stormy night, the Slobbits are walking
through a small crowded town.
                                                            
A drunk walks up to them.
                                                            
                       DRUNK
What are you midgets doin' in my
town? We don't take to kindly to
your kind around here.
                                                            
The drunk stumbles over.
                                                            
The Slobbits walk over to a bar called the Rancid Pony.
                                                            
They knock on the door.
                                                            
A bouncer opens the door.
                                                            
                       BOUNCER
      (Gruff voice)
What do you guys want?
                                                            
                       FRODO
We're here to see Gandoof.
                                                            
                       BOUNCER
Oh Gandoof. He's a regular here.
But he is not here at the moment
feel free to wait for him inside.
                                                            
INT. RANCID PONY - NIGHT
                                                            
The Slobbits are sitting in the bar.
                                                            
                       BARTENDER
Waddya guys want?
                                                            
                       FRODO
Just a beer.
                                                            
                       MERRY
Beer.
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
Beer.
                                                            
                       SPAM
A Mie-Tie and a screaming orgasm
on the beach. Yum!
                                                            
Evryone in the bar stops what they're doing and stares at
Spam oddly.
                                                            
                       SPAM
      (Deepening his
       voice)
I'll have a beer.
                                                            
A Barmaid comes out of the kitchen with four beers. The
camera stops as she comes by two drunk guys.
                                                            

18.

                       DRUNK GUY #1
Ya know what, buddy? You're my
best friend.
                                                            
                       DRUNK GUY #2
Thems fightin' words!
                                                            
Drunk Guy #2 punches Drunk Guy #1 and they get in a big
fight.
                                                            
The Barmaid gives the Slobbits their drinks.
                                                            
While the Slobbits drink, a man wearing a hood can be seen
staring at Frodo.
                                                            
                       SPAM
Frodo, that man over there has
been staring at you for a while.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Oh for Christ's sakes! How come
the homosexuals always come on to
me? First you, now that creepy guy
who's staring at me, who's next
Richard Simmons?
                                                            
Richard Simmons approaches Frodo.
                                                            
                       RICHARD SIMMONS
Hey buddy, feel the burn. Woo Woo!
                                                            
Frodo gets so scared he falls off his seat onto the ground.
The ring flies in mid air and somehow lands back on his
finger. The strange hooded man grabs Frodo and drags him
into a room.
                                                            
INT. SMALL ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Frodo is on the ground looking scared like a little pussy.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Who are you?
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
I am Aragorn son of.... ah who
gives a shit. Anyways, I know you
have the one ring and I shall help
you on your journey to destroy it.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Are you gay?
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
No.
                                                            
                       FRODO
You're in.
                                                            
Spam, Merry and Pippin burst into the room.
                                                            
                       SPAM
What did you do to him!?
                                                            

19.

Spam repeatedly slaps Aragorn like a woman. Aragorn doesn't
seem to care or notice.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Don't worry, I'm here to help you
destroy the ring.
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
I'm an accused sex offender.
                                                            
Everyone looks at Pippin oddly.
                                                            
 
INT. ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Aragorn and the Slobbits are sleeping in one of the Rancid
Pony's motel rooms.
                                                            
INT. BAR - NIGHT
                                                            
The bar is dark and only the Bartender is in the bar. The
bartender is hiding behind a pillar.
                                                            
Some Black Riders begin to enter the bar.
                                                            
                       BLACK RIDER
      (Whispering)
We have to be discreet.
                                                            
The Black Riders tip toe through the bar.
                                                            
One balck rider falls.
                                                            
                       BLACK RIDER
      (Whispering)
Damn it Frank. Shut the hell up.
This is supposed to be a surprise
attack.
                                                            
INT. ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
The Black Riders enter a room they think the slobbits are
in. But they're not in that room. So these retards are just
wasting there time. Just like I'm wasting your time with
this script. Yep.
                                                            
                       BLACK RIDER
Go kill em' Frank.
                                                            
                       FRANK
Yes sir.
                                                            
Frank takes out his sword and starts stabbing pillows that
he thinks are the Slobbits.
                                                            
                       FRANK
Hey I just learned something, when
you hurt humans feathers come out
of them.
                                                            
                       BLACK RIDER
Those are pillows you idiot.
                                                            

20.

                       FRANK
Oh.
                                                            
INT. THE ROOM THEY ARE REALLY SLEEPING IN - NIGHT
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
The plan worked.
                                                            
Merry and Pippin are playing "Halo".
                                                            
                       MERRY
Whatever.
                                                            
 
EXT. FOREST - DAY
                                                            
They are walking through a forest.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
C'mon Slobbits, it's a long road
ahead.
                                                            
                       MERRY
Yeah I have a question.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Shoot.
                                                            
                       MERRY
Why don't we just drive?
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
My car's being fixed right now. I
miss my beautiful car. I call her
Linda.
                                                            
Aragorn sees something sticking out of Spam's pocket. He
grabs it. It is a picture of Frodo in a heart shaped frame.
                                                            
                       SPAM
Hey! Give that back!
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
No.
                                                            
                       SPAM
You have to or else it's a crime.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Well if curiosity is a crime, then
I am guilty of that. And if
stealing money from the next door
neighbor's safe is a crime, then I
am guilty of that. And if stealing
and old lady's car to run over
pedestrians is a crime, then I am
guilty of that too. And if-
                                                            
                       FRODO
Okay you can stop now.
                                                            

21.

                       MERRY
Hey how did you get the part of
Frodo anyways? Your not the
greatest actor.
                                                            
                       FRODO
I'm lucky I got the part. I had
some tough competition.
                                                            
INT. AUDITION ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGER
Hello I am here too audition for
zee little Slobbit.
                                                            
                       VOICE (O.S)
Okay, take it away Arnold.
                                                            
                       ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGER
Augh! Look out Spam. I will save
you from zee giant octopus. Augh!
I vill cut your head off and eat
your brains for breakfast!
                                                            
                       VOICE
That was good, but we think we're
gonna go with that other guy.
                                                            
                       ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGER
What ze fuck!
                                                            
 
EXT. FIELD - DAY
                                                            
Aragorn and the Slobbits are on a field looking at
Wheathertop Mountain.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
We will be sleeping on Wheather
top Mountain tonight.
                                                            
                       MERRY
I thought you said we were staying
at a Holiday Inn.
                                                            
                       SPAM
There better be full pool
privliledges.
                                                            
INT. STUPID GUY'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
                                                            
An extremely stupid guy is sitting on his couch wathcing
"The Lord of the Things: The Friendship of the Thing".
                                                            
                       STUPID GUY
Oh I get it! Bilbob said stupid
Johovas because Johovas always
come to your house and give you
panflets. Oh my god that is so
funny! I get it. (Laughs stupidly)
                                                            
EXT. WHEATHERTOP MOUNTAIN - DAY
                                                            
Aragorn and the Slobbits are on Wheathertop Mountain.
                                                            

22.

                       ARAGORN
You will be sleeping here tonight.
I have to go back to the field to
find the keys that I dropped.
                                                            
Aragorn leaves Wheathertop Mountain.
                                                            
After a while, Frodo says something:
                                                            
                       FRODO
It's boring without Aragorn here.
What should we do for fun?
                                                            
                       MERRY
Why don't you just bug your coffee
boy.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Hey that sounds like fun. NATHAN!!
GET THE HELL OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!!
                                                            
Nathan (Frodo's coffee boy) arrives, holding a coffee.
                                                            
                       NATHAN
      (Wimpy, Nerdy
       Voice)
Here's your coffee sir.
                                                            
Frodo examines the coffee.
                                                            
                       FRODO
What? This isn't decaf.
                                                            
                       NATHAN
I'm sorry sir. Please don't hurt
me.
                                                            
                       FRODO
      (Angrily)
I WANTED DECAF!!!
                                                            
Frodo smacks the coffee out of Nathan's hands. The coffee
spills all over Nathan giving him several severe burns.
Nathan yells in agony and runs away.
                                                            
The Slobbits all laugh.
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
What a nerd.
                                                            
EXT. FIELD - DAY
                                                            
Aragorn is looking around the field.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
I better find my car keys quickly.
This has nothing to do with the
plot. Peter Jackson is gonna kill
me.
                                                            
EXT. WHEATHERTOP MOUNTAIN - NIGHT
                                                            
The Slobbits are around a fire. Frodo is sleeping but the
rest are awake.
                                                            

23.

                       PIPPIN
Nice fire Merry.
                                                            
                       MERRY
Yeah I used a Dean Koontz book for
kindling.
                                                            
                       SPAM
Look at the sky. Isn't it
beautiful?
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
What the hell?
                                                            
                       MERRY
Spam, when are you going to come
out of the closet?
                                                            
                       SPAM
Oh I am so not gay. How could you
say something so hurtful?
                                                            
Spam starts crying. The crying wakes up Frodo.
                                                            
                       FRODO
What is that awful sound?
                                                            
                       MERRY
Just Spam being a whiny bitch
again.
                                                            
Frodo stares.
                                                            
                       FRODO
I sense danger Will Robinson.
                                                            
Yoda walks up to Frodo.
                                                            
                       YODA
Hmm... danger you sense... be
weary.
                                                            
The Black Riders arrive, again.
                                                            
One of the Black Riders kills Yoda.
                                                            
                       BLACK RIDER
Take that! Ya green bastard.
                                                            
The Black Riders do a long evil laugh.
                                                            
                       SPAM
Get back you devils!
                                                            
                       BLACK RIDER
You don't scare me Clay Aiken.
                                                            
Spam charges at the Black Riders. He repeatedly slaps one.
The Black Rider pushes Spam over.
                                                            
Merry and Pippin start throwing rocks at the Black Riders.
                                                            

24.

                       BLACK RIDER
      (Wimpily)
Ow. That hurts.
                                                            
The Black Rider pushes Merry and Pippin down.
                                                            
Frodo is now scared and completely alone and unprotected.
                                                            
                       BLACK RIDER
Now there is nothing you can do.
The one ring will once again be
Sauron's. There's so many people
to thank.
                                                            
The Black Rider pulls out glasses and a list spoofing the
oscars and other award acceptance speeches.
                                                            
                       BLACK RIDER
I'd like to thank the crew, the
wonderful crew. I'd like to thank
the dark lord Sauron. Um... my
fans, well my two fans, that crazy
old guy named John who talks to
himself all day and Mariah Carrey.
And finally my new wife, Britney
Spears, I love you baby!
                                                            
The Black Rider stabs Frodo.
                                                            
Frodo yells in a pain for a while.
                                                            
Aragorn finally arrives, he is holding a stick that is on
fire.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Leave my midgets alone.
                                                            
Aragorn burns one of the Black Riders.
                                                            
                       BLACK RIDER
OW!! THAT IS SO FREAKING HOT!!
                                                            
Aragorn burns another Black Rider. The flaming Black Rider
runs off the side of the mountain.
                                                            
Judges hold up signs judging the Black Rider's fall.
Judge #1: 8.6
Judge #2: 9.2
French Judge: 1.3
                                                            
Aragorn looks angrily at the last Black Rider.
                                                            
                       BLACK RIDER
Please don't hurt me. I have a
wife and children at home.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Fine. I'll let you go.
                                                            
                       BLACK RIDER
Sucker!
                                                            
The Black Rider runs away.
                                                            

25.

                       ARAGORN
Is everyone okay?
                                                            
                       SPAM
I think I have a bruise.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Shutup Spam.
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
Frodo got stabbed.
                                                            
Aragorn runs over to the dead looking Frodo.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Oh my god. Frodo got stabbed by an
evil poisonous sword, he might
die.
                                                            
                       SPAM
Oh no! He can't die.
                                                            
                       MERRY
Frodo, if you die, when you go to
heaven say hi to Jimi Hendrix and
Kurt Cobain for me.
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
Pff! He'll be fine.
                                                            
Frodo starts foaming from the mouth.
                                                            
 
EXT. FOREST - NIGHT
                                                            
Aragorn and the Slobbits are standing in another forest.
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
Hey I have a good idea.
                                                            
                       MERRY
What?
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
Anyone here seen Weekend at
Bernie's?
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Yes I have and no that is a
terrible idea Pippin. Okay, to
help Frodo we need to look in the
forest for a very special plant
called Marijuanna, it could save
his life.
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
No need to search the forest, I
have some marijuana with me right
now.
                                                            
Pippin gives Aragorn a bag of marijuanna.
                                                            
Aragorn rolls a joint and gives it to Frodo.
                                                            

26.

                       ARAGORN
Here Frodo, smoke this.
                                                            
Frodo smokes it.
                                                            
                       FRODO
      (Stoned)
Woah trippy man.
                                                            
frodo has a vision. He sees a bunch of hippy images like
tye-dye crap. "Dazed and Confused" by Led Zepellin can be
heard playing in the background.
                                                            
TITLE CARD: DON'T DO DRUGS KIDS.
                                                            
NAA, WE'RE JUST KIDDIN'. GO AHEAD AND GET HIGH.
                                                            
SCENE CUT BACK TO: EXT. FOREST - NIGHT
                                                            
Frodo is sitting against a tree looking stoned, well, he is
stoned.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Now we need to get him to
Livinhell. But how? We can't walk,
Frodo will eventually die.
                                                            
Arwen (the Elf Princess) shows up on a horse. "Walk This
Way" by Aerosmith is playing in the background.
                                                            
                       MERRY
Wow! Stephen Tyler's daughter!
Frodo is saved!
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
I love Aerosmith! Especially the
song Feel Like Making Love.
                                                            
                       MERRY
Feel Like Making Love is by Bad
Company not Aerosmith you moron.
                                                            
                       ARWEN
Don't worry, I'll take Frodo to
Livinhell.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Thank you Arwen. Frodo, will you
be okay?
                                                            
                       FRODO
      (still stoned)
I don't know, stuck on a horse
alone with Stephen Tyler's hott
daughter for a long period of
time, I guess I'll manage.
                                                            
Frodo gets on Arwen's horse, the two of them ride out of the
forest heading for Livinhell.
                                                            
 

27.

EXT. FIELD - DAY
                                                            
Arwen and Frodo are on their horse riding down a very long
field which seems to never end.
                                                            
                       ARWEN
Just hold on Frodo, we're almost
there.
                                                            
Some Black Riders arrive, they are chasing Arwen and Frodo
in cars.
                                                            
Black Rider #1: 1969 Camaro convertible.
Black Rider #2: A pimp mobile with hydraulics.
Black Rider #3: A really shitty Station Wagon.
                                                            
The chase continues.
                                                            
                       FRODO
When will those Black Riders die?
This is getting goddamn old.
                                                            
Arwen pulls out a gun.
                                                            
                       ARWEN
Time to die bitch.
                                                            
Arwen shoots out the Camaro's tires. It swerves off the
road. Arwen chucks a grenade at the pimp mobile, the pimp
mobile explodes. Arwen throws a cat at the station wagon,
the station wagon breaks down.
                                                            
                       ARWEN
Okay I think they're finally gone.
                                                            
They continue riding to Livinhell.
                                                            
 
EXT. SIDE OF RIVER - DAY
                                                            
Arwen and Frodo (now off the horse) are on the other side of
a river. Frodo is lying on the ground.
                                                            
                       ARWEN
I think we lost em'!
                                                            
The Black Riders show up, again.
                                                            
                       ARWEN
Oh for Chist's sakes.
                                                            
The Black Riders are on the opposite side of the river than
Frodo and Arwen are on.
                                                            
                       BLACK RIDER
We never die! Muhahaha!
                                                            
                       ARWEN
Well if you want Frodo, you're
going to have to get passed...
(crazy camera close up) The Crazy
River.
                                                            

28.

                       BLACK RIDER
We do not fear your crazy river.
                                                            
The Black Riders begin to cross the river.
                                                            
A giant wave in the form of crazy's guy's face suddenly
appears.
                                                            
                       CRAZY GUY
      (As Giant Wave)
I'm a slightly roasted chicken!
                                                            
The wave collapses on the Black Riders, the Black Riders are
dead (while they're gone for this movie at least).
                                                            
Arwen walks over to the nearly dead looking Frodo.
                                                            
                       ARWEN
Frodo, are you awake?
                                                            
Frodo foams from the mouth and makes a strange retarded
noise.
                                                            
                       ARWEN
If you wake up I'll make it worth
your while.
                                                            
Frodo wakes up. Arwen's sexual offering have woken him.
                                                            
 
INT. LIVINHELL BEDROOM - DAY
                                                            
Frodo is lying in a bed with someone else, you can only see
the body shape under the covers of the person in bed with
Frodo.
                                                            
                       FRODO
      (Referring to sex)
That was amazing.
                                                            
The covers are lifted which reveal Spam is in bed with
Frodo.
                                                            
                       SPAM
It sure was Mr. Frodo!
                                                            
Frodo yells.
                                                            
But that didn't really heppen, it was just Frodo's
nightmare.
                                                            
Frodo really wakes up this time, Gandoof is standing beside
his bed.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Gandoof! You old bastard!
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Frodo! You small faggot!
                                                            
                       FRODO
Where were you?
                                                            

29.

                       GANDOOF
Saruspam kept me on a tower.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Well how did you get here then?
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Let's just say, I got a little
help from a moth.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Yeah... that doesn't make any
sense.
                                                            
Merry and Pippin walk into the room.
                                                            
                       MERRY
Frodo! You're alive!
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
I'm hungry.
                                                            
Merry and Pippin hug Frodo.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
This better not be a Slobbit orgy.
                                                            
Aragorn walks in the room.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Good job Frodo. You have made it
to Livinhell. You can rest now.
                                                            
Spam walks into the room. Spam runs over and kisses Frodo.
                                                            
Akward silence. Everyone stares at Spam oddly.
                                                            
Elrond (King of Elves) walks in the room.
                                                            
                       ELROND
Hello Frodo, I am Elrond, the King
of Elves and the owner of
Livinhell.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Is Uncle Bilbob here?
                                                            
                       ELROND
Yes he is. Along with many other
old crazy people.
                                                            
Bob Dole and Bill Clinton walk into the room.
                                                            
                       BOB DOLE
Bob Dole is not crazy. Bob Dole
isn't old. Bob Dole is hip and
young. Bob Dole is angry at your
statement. Bob Dole should kick
your ass. Bob Dole needs his
pills. Bob Dole hungry.
                                                            
                       BILL CLINTON
Hey I'm here too. Elrond I must
say your daughter is hott.
                                                            

30.

                       ELROND
Aren't you married to Hilary
Clinton?
                                                            
                       BILL CLINTON
Yes but she's old and not here.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Man. Who wrote this script?
Monkeys with typewriters?
                                                            
SCENE CUT TO A BUNCH OF MONKEYS WITH TYPEWRITERS
                                                            
                       MONKEY #1
Okay, how about Sauron is...
George W. Bush.
                                                            
                       ALL MONKEYS
YEAH!
                                                            
                       MONKEY #2
And John Kerry comes up and kicks
him.
                                                            
All the monkeys laugh.
                                                            
 
EXT. LIVINHELL COURTYARD - DAY
                                                            
The Slobbits are walking down a courtyard.
                                                            
Bilbob can be seen reading a book at the end of the
courtyard.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Bilbob!
                                                            
Frodo runs over to Bilbob.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Uncle Bilbob!
                                                            
                       BILBOB
Frodo my boy!
                                                            
                       FRODO
What are you reading?
                                                            
                       BILBOB
      (Nervously)
Nothing.
                                                            
Bilbob is reading a magazine called "Odd Fetishes Weekly".
                                                            
                       BILBOB
Well... this is akward...
                                                            
 
INT. DARK ROOM IN LIVINHELL - DAY
                                                            
Aragorn is in a large dark room alone.
                                                            
He sees a broken sword on a display table.
                                                            

31.

                       ARAGORN
The sword my Uncle used to kill
Sauron.
                                                            
He also sees his Uncle Isildur's chia pet on the display
table.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
And his Chia Pet!
                                                            
Arwen arrives. "Sweet Emotion" by Aerosmith is playing in
the background.
                                                            
                       ARWEN
I have come to tell you
something... I love you.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Really? Kick ass!
                                                            
Aragorn's nerdy fan girl Ursula arrives out of nowhere.
                                                            
                       URSULA
I love you to Aragorn.
                                                            
                       ARWEN
Who's this?
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Look, Ursula, remember the
restraining order? You can't come
near me.
                                                            
                       URSULA
But it's meant to be.
                                                            
Aragorn picks up a Walkie-Talkie.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
      (On Walkie-Talkie)
Yeah she's back... No, not her...
yeah her... send someone in right
away... oh that sounds painful...
ok...
                                                            
Aragorn puts the Walkie-Talkie back in his pocket.
                                                            
A Security Guard comes in and tackles Ursula. They drag her
out of the room. The crazy bitch is gone.
                                                            
                       URSULA (O.S)
Aragorn I love you! It's meant to
be!
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Yeah sorry about that Arwen.
                                                            
 
EXT. GOLDEN MEADOW - DAY
                                                            
Aragorn and Arwen are standing on a bridge in the middle of
a golden meadow. The crickets are chirping.
                                                            

32.

                       ARWEN
Isn't it beautiful.
                                                            
                       CRICKET (O.S)
Fuck you.
                                                            
                       ARWEN
Well, there goes the PG-13 rating.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
I have a gift for you.
                                                            
Aragorn gives her a c.d.
                                                            
                       ARWEN
The best of Wierd Al Yankovich.
Thank you.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
And another thing.
                                                            
Aragorn gives her a neclace.
                                                            
                       ARWEN
Oh my god. It's beautiful.
                                                            
Aragorn and Arwen make out for a while. Oh yeah, he's gonna
go all the way. Hey shut the fuck up and stick to the story.
No asshole I'm the writer. Hey wanna go? Fine bring it.
                                                            
They finally stop making out.
                                                            
                       ARWEN
I want to be a mortal.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Are you sure? You won't live as
long.
                                                            
                       ARWEN
Meh. I've been so bored these past
fifteen hundred years.
                                                            
A bird randomly explodes in the background.
                                                            
 
EXT. COUNCELLING AREA - DAY
                                                            
                       ELROND
I have brought all of you here to
discuss an evil ring that a
Slobbit has. Frodo, place the ring
on the table.
                                                            
Frodo places the ring on the table in the middle of the
Council.
                                                            
                       ELROND
That ring was created by the Dark
Lord Sauron to rule Middle-Earth.
He will stop at nothing to get it.
                                                            
A studio audience laughs.
                                                            

33.

                       ELROND
Where the hell did the studio
audience come from?
                                                            
The studio audience says a very long "ahw".
                                                            
                       ELROND
Okay that's it!
                                                            
Elrond pulls out a rifle and shoots everyone in the studio
audience.
                                                            
                       ELROND
As I was saying, the ring is evil
and must be destroyed.
                                                            
                       GIMLY
I'll destroy it.
                                                            
Gimly hits the ring with his axe trying to break the ring.
It doesn't break. His axe breaks into lots of pieces.
                                                            
                       ELROND
It cannot be destroyed you fag.
                                                            
                       BOROMIR
Give it to me, so I can protect
Gondor.
                                                            
                       ELROND
No. One of you must go to the
fires of Mountain Dew and destroy
it. Who will go?
                                                            
                       GIMLY
Me.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Me.
                                                            
Legolas tries to say something but it cuts to Boromir.
                                                            
                       BOROMIR
Me.
                                                            
Everyone (except Frodo) gets out of their seats and starts
yelling at each other. A random spear is chucked across and
kills a man.
                                                            
                       FRODO
STOP!! I'll take the ring.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Frodo, you could get killed.
                                                            
                       FRODO
I don't care, the ring will be
destroyed.
                                                            
                       ELROND
Fine, the weak midget can save
Middle-Earth.
                                                            

34.

                       GIMLY
A Slobbit destroying the ring?
That's more ridiculous than Paris
Hilton buying her own sex tape.
                                                            
Spam randomly arrives.
                                                            
                       SPAM
He's not going without me. Where
ever he goes I go.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Aw crap.
                                                            
Merry and Pippin arrive to.
                                                            
                       MERRY
We're going to.
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
Yeah I love Disneyland.
                                                            
                       GIMLY
I'm coming to. Every group needs a
dwarf.
                                                            
Legolas walks over to them.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
I will protect and serve you
Frodo.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
I will lead you.
                                                            
                       BOROMIR
I will come so I can steal the
ring.
                                                            
Harry Potter shows up.
                                                            
                       HARRY POTTER
I'm Harry Potter.
                                                            
Peter Jackson shoots Harry Potter.
                                                            
                       PETER JACKSON
      (Eating dog)
STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY MOVIE
BITCH!
                                                            
                       ELROND
Then it is decided. You shall be
the Friendship of the Thing.
                                                            
                       FRODO
      (To Himself)
Aw Jesus Christ this is gonna suck
ass.
                                                            
 
INT. LIVINHELL BEDROOM - DAY
                                                            
Frodo and Bilbob are in a room.
                                                            

35.

                       BILBOB
I have a gift for you Frodo.
                                                            
Bilbob gives Frodo Mithril, a shirt made of metal.
                                                            
                       BILBOB
This is Mithril, now you can never
be stabbed.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Thanks. It looks very comfortable.
                                                            
                       BILBOB
I have another gift for you.
                                                            
Bilbob gives Frodo a sword.
                                                            
                       BILBOB
I call her Shelby. She warns you
when danger is near.
                                                            
                       SHELBY
      (Sword)
Danger Will Robinson.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Thanks Uncle Bilbob.
                                                            
Bilbob notices the ring on a neclace around Frodo's neck.
                                                            
                       BILBOB
You have my old ring.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Yep.
                                                            
Bilbob drools.
                                                            
                       BILBOB
I would like to hold it.
                                                            
                       FRODO
No ya crazy old bastard.
                                                            
Bilbob's face suddenly turns really scary and different. It
soon changes back.
                                                            
Frodo doesn't seem to be scared at all.
                                                            
                       BILBOB
Didn't that scare you?
                                                            
                       FRODO
Nope.
                                                            
Bilbob's face changes into Michael Jackson's face. Frodo is
so scared he falls of his chair.
                                                            
 
EXT. PATH - DAY
                                                            
The Friendship of the Thing are walking down a trail which
leads out of Livinhell.
                                                            

36.

                       SPAM
You're looking hott today Mr.
Frodo.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Shutup Spam.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Ya know what I hate about movies,
they use the same jokes over and
over again.
                                                            
The Crazy Guy runs by again.
                                                            
                       CRAZY GUY
I'm a reccuring character!
                                                            
INT. SOME JAPANESE FAMILY'S KITCHEN - DAY
                                                            
The Friendship somehow arrive in some Japanese family's
kitchen.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
How the hell did we get here?
                                                            
The rest of the Friendship shrugs.
                                                            
EXT. MOUNTAIN - DAY
                                                            
Slow motion: The Friendship walking along a mountain. Pippin
falls.
                                                            
They continue walking. (not slow motion anymore)
                                                            
They are now walking behind an old man driving his car very
very slowly. So they take a rest for a while.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Goddamn seniors. Okay we might as
well take a break.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
It's gonna be a rough road ahead.
                                                            
Gimly is smoking.
                                                            
Merry and Pippin are sword fighting Boromir.
                                                            
                       BOROMIR
You guys think you can take me?
                                                            
Boromir accidenly cuts Merry.
                                                            
Merry and Pippin tackle Boromir and start slapping him.
                                                            
Gandoof watches them and he's laughing his ass off.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
That's funnier than Pauly Shore
being crushed by a giant piano.
                                                            
EXT. MISTY MOUNTAINS - DAY
                                                            
The Friendship are walking up a snowy mountain.
                                                            

37.

Pippin is peeing and writing his name in the snow.
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
Look I can write my name in the
snow.
                                                            
                       MERRY
      (Muttering)
Oh goddammit Pippin.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Don't worry, we're almost past the
mountains.
                                                            
A bunch of snow falls on them.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Son of a-
                                                            
                       GIMLY
      (Interrupting
       Aragorn)
Hey! I have an idea. We could go
under the mountain, through the
mines of Moria.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Either way we're gonna die. Up
here will freeze, down there we'll
be slaughtered by hundreds of
mindless Dorcs. Let the ring
bearer decide. What should we do
Frodo?
                                                            
                       FRODO
We go through the mines of Moria.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Then so be it. We go through the
mines of Moria.
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
I'm sexually attracted to animals.
                                                            
Everyone looks at Pippin oddly.
                                                            
 
INT. CAVE WITH LAKE IN IT - NIGHT
                                                            
The friendship are in a cave with a lake in it.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Now what?
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
We go through that door which lead
to the Mines.
                                                            
Gandoof points to the door.
                                                            
The Friendship walk up to the door.
                                                            
                       GIMLY
Where's the door handle?
                                                            

38.

                       GANDOOF
There isn't one. I have to guess
what the password is.
                                                            
                       BOROMIR
Well get crackin' bitch.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Alpha. Bravo. Charlie. Delta.
Echo. Foxtrot. Golf. Hotel. India.
Juliet.
                                                            
Spam is sitting on a rock, alone.
                                                            
                       SPAM
I miss my horse Bill.
                                                            
(flashback)
                                                            
Spam and Bill the horse running through a field happily in
the summer time.
                                                            
(end of flashback)
                                                            
Spam sighs.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
January. Canada.
supercalifragilisticexpialidoceous
Butterscotch. Robituson.
                                                            
Pippin is throwing rocks in the lake.
                                                            
                       MERRY
I wouldn't do that if I were you
Pippin.
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
Why not.
                                                            
                       MERRY
Because Gandoof said there's a
crazy octopus in that lake.
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
Pff. What is an octopus gonna do?
                                                            
The octopus throws an enormous rock at Pippin.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Kinky. Matrix. Led Zeppelin.
Ghandi. Slut.
                                                            
The octopus grabs Frodo with a tentacle.
                                                            
                       FRODO
GANDOOF! HELP!
                                                            
Gandoof turns around and gasps.
                                                            
Aragorn starts cutting off the octopus' tentacles.
                                                            
Legolas shoots arrows at the Octopus.
                                                            

39.

Arnold Schwartzeneger arrives with a sub machine gun.
                                                            
                       ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGER
Asta Lavista baby.
                                                            
Arnold blows the crap out of the octopus. The octopus lives.
                                                            
                       ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGER
What ze fuck?
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Tom Hanks. Jurrasic Park. Spam and
eggs. Strawberry shortcake.
                                                            
Aragorn cuts off the tenticle that Frodo is being held in.
Frodo is released. The Friendship runs towards the door.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Ceaser salad. Feather. Volcano.
Password.
                                                            
The door opens.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
The password was password?
                                                            
                       FRODO
Who cares let's just get the hell
outta here!
                                                            
They run inside the Mines of Moria.
                                                            
 
INT. MINES OF MORIA - NIGHT
                                                            
The Friendship are walking down a dark path in the Mines of
Moria.
                                                            
                       FRODO
It's so dark in here I can't see a
thing.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Don't worry Frodo, I'll fix that.
Lumos!
                                                            
Gandoof's staff lights.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Now remember, we have to be quiet.
There are hundreds of Dorcs in
these mines.
                                                            
Pippin's cell phone rings.
                                                            
                       FRIENDSHIP
Damn it Pippin!
                                                            
 
INT. SOMEWHERE IN MINES - NIGHT
                                                            
Gandoof and Frodo are sitting on a large rock.
                                                            

40.

                       FRODO
I don't know if I can do this
Gandoof. I'm just a weak little
Slobbit from the Shire.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
But remember Frodo, with great
power, comes great responsibility.
                                                            
                       FRODO
You stole that from Spiderman.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Look, what I was trying to say
was, don't screw up.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Okay I'll try my best to get
passed thousands of blood thirtsy
Dorcs while holding an evil magic
ring.
                                                            
They hear the sound of a several pebbles falling.
                                                            
                       FRODO
What's that sound?
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
That's just Gollum. He's been
following us for days now.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Who's Gollum?
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
A crazy skitzophrenic drooling
mindless monster who wants the
ring which Bilbob took from him
which you now have.
                                                            
Frodo looks behind him and sees Gollum.
                                                            
                       GOLLUM (O.S)
PRECIOUS! WE WANTS IT BACKSES!
                                                            
                       FRODO
So where do we go from here. Door
#1 or door #2?
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Well door #1 doesn't lead anywhere
so we might as well take door #2.
                                                            
The Friendship goes through Door #2.
                                                            
 
INT. CAVE ROOM IN MORIA - NIGHT
                                                            
The Friendship are in a cave room.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
I think we're safe in here.
                                                            

41.

Pippin walks up to a well and drops 12 beer bottles down the
well, it makes a very very loud sound.
                                                            
                       FRIENDSHIP
DAMMIT PIPPIN!!
                                                            
Dorcs come bursting into the cave room.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Oh crap! This army is more massive
than Michael Moore, Kristie Allie
and Oprah Wimfrey combined.
                                                            
Aragorn starts killing Dorcs.
                                                            
Gandoof starts hitting Dorcs with his staff. He then takes
out a revolver and starts shooting Dorcs. Aren't I a clever
writer?
                                                            
You are now in my control. I have you hooked on the script.
Muhahahaha. And there's nothing you can do about it. Hey
don't leave! Come back! I was just kidding. Aw screw it.
                                                            
Boromir starts killing Dorcs too.
                                                            
                       BOROMIR
Say hello to my little friend.
                                                            
Boromir takes out a midget with a machine gun.
                                                            
Legolas is shooting Dorcs with his bow and arrow.
                                                            
Suddenly the camera cuts to two old people lawn bowling. The
camera quickly cuts back to the intense battle.
                                                            
Sean Connery arrives with a sword.
                                                            
                       SEAN CONNERY
Today's my favourite day of the
week... Thursday.
                                                            
Sean Connery kills some Dorcs. He then walks up to a really
nervous looking Dorc.
                                                            
                       SEAN CONNERY
I have a joke for ya laddy. What's
the difference between you and a
malard with a cold? One's a sick
duck, I forget how it ends but
your mother's a whore.
                                                            
Sean Connery kills the nervous Dorc.
                                                            
Gimly also kills many Dorcs.
                                                            
Merry and Pippin chuck rocks at Dorcs.
                                                            
Pauly Shore arrives.
                                                            
                       PAULY SHORE
Hey buddy. Woah this war is crazy
man. Hello mister boyardy. Woo
woo.
                                                            

42.

HUndreds of arrows are shot at Pauly Shore. Pauly Shore is
dead..... I'm so sad...... NOT!
                                                            
Frodo is hiding in a corner. What a pussy.
                                                            
Spam is slapping Dorcs.
                                                            
                       SPAM
Oh fudge, I broke a nail.
                                                            
All of a sudden, everyone stops fighting because they see a
cute little kitty cat.
                                                            
                       EVERYONE
Ahwwwwwwwww.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Why are we fighting?
                                                            
                       DORC
Let's all be friends.
                                                            
The cat meows. Ahwwww it's so cute.
                                                            
Peter Jackson shoots the cute little kitty cat.
                                                            
                       PETER JACKSON
Stay the hell away from my movie!
                                                            
Everyone starts fighting again. Stupid Peter Jackson.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Those jerks from the PETA are
gonna kill us.
                                                            
A troll enters. The troll starts killing dorcs even though
the dorcs are on his side. Stupid troll.
                                                            
                       GIMLY
Who's side is he on?
                                                            
The troll hits Gimly with a giant log.
                                                            
Aragorn starts slicing at the troll's leg.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
I will reduce his motor skills.
                                                            
Legolas shoots arrows at the troll's head, the troll makes a
strange retarded noise.
                                                            
Pippin throws a rock at the troll. The troll throws a giant
rock at Pippin.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Don't worry I will use my magic to
kill it.
                                                            
Gandoof points his staff at the troll. The troll falls over
and dies.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Well, that was easy.
                                                            

43.

Ronald Mcdonald is holding Frodo holding a gun to Frodo's
head.
                                                            
                       RONALD MCDONALD
Nobody move, or I'll kill him.
                                                            
Aragorn takes out a twelve gauge and shoots Ronald Mcdonald.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Your food tastes like crap!
                                                            
                       CHINESE MAN
Rook out! It's Godzirra!
                                                            
Godzilla shows up randomly. Dammit this script is so random.
It makes Anchorman look like a civilized movie.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Let's get out of here.
                                                            
The Friendship runs out of the cave room.
                                                            
 
INT. MINES OF MORIA - DAY
                                                            
The Friendship are running from thousands of Dorcs.
                                                            
The "Chariots of Fire" theme is playing in the background.
                                                            
The Friendship is suddenly surrounded by all of the Dorcs.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
I'll take a thousand Dorcs. Gimly
takes a thousand. Aragorn takes a
thousand. Boromir takes a
thousand. Legolas take a thousand.
The Slobbits can hide in a corner.
                                                            
The Dorcs suddenly scream and run away.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
What scared them off?
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
The Balrog. A creature so evil, it
makes Hitler look like Jesus. I
heard it kills puppies and eats
small children. Quick! To the
Bridge of Kazad-Dumb.
                                                            
They run to the nearby Bridge of Kazad-Dumb.
                                                            
 
INT. BRIDGE OF KAZAD-DUMB - DAY
                                                            
The Friendship are on the bridge.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Quick! Across the bridge!
                                                            
The Frienship runs across the bridge. A random crazy guy
does too.
                                                            

44.

                       CRAZY GUY
I JUST HIT PUBERTY! I'M A GROWN
WOMAN!
                                                            
Legolas shoots the crazy guy with an arrow. The crazy guy
falls off the bridge and dies. Finally.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Thank you Legolas, he was ruining
the entire movie.
                                                            
The Friendship get past the bridge.
                                                            
They hear a loud thud.
                                                            
They turn around. The Balrog is there. The Balrog is a giant
version of the Pilsbury Doughboy.
                                                            
                       GIMLY
Oh crap.
                                                            
Gandoof goes back on the bridge.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
You shall not pass.
                                                            
The Balrog advances. It takes out a giant fire whip and
tries to whip Gandoof but he misses.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
You shall not pass!
                                                            
The Balrog advances again. It whips at Gandoof and barely
misses.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
You shall not pass!
                                                            
The Balrog shoots fire out of it's mouth. Gandoof deflects
it with his sword. It shoots ou and hits a wall. It blows
through a wall and blows a hole all the way outside of the
mountain. You can see the blue sky on the outside.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
You shall not pass... bitch.
                                                            
Gandoof hits the bridge with his staff.The bridge somehow
breaks and the Balrog falls off. Gandoof almost falls but he
manages to get up.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
I'm okay.
                                                            
A small bird flies out of nowhere and hits Gandoof in the
face.
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
You'll have to do alot more than
that to make me fall off this
bridge.
                                                            
Hundreds of birds hit Gandoof. Gandoof falls off the bridge.
Gandoof is dead... bitch.
                                                            

45.

Frodo bursts into tears. Boromir picks him up and the
Friendship leaves Moria. The Friendship now has only 8
members.
                                                            
EXT. MOUNTAIN - DAY
                                                            
The Friendship are sitting on a mountain crying.
                                                            
                       FRODO
He was such a great wizard, I will
never forget the good times, like
when we got drunk and somehow
ended up in a cult.
                                                            
                       SPAM
He was the greatest wizard ever...
and just look at that ass.
                                                            
                       MERRY
I miss him so much.
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
I don't have a high school
education.
                                                            
                       GIMLY
He was my drinking buddy.
                                                            
Legolas tries to say something but it cuts to Aragorn.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
He was the leader of the
Friendship. We are nothing without
him.
                                                            
                       BOROMIR
And I don't give it shit!
                                                            
 
EXT. FOREST - DAY
                                                            
The Friendship is running through a forest.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
We must hurry and get to
Slothlorien.
                                                            
                       GIMLY
Why are we running?
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Because it's good for you fatass!
                                                            
EXT. SLOTHLORIEN - NIGHT
                                                            
The Friendship have arrived to Slothlorien.
                                                            
                       SPAM
We're finally here.
                                                            
Gimly can be seen looking really skinny.
                                                            

46.

                       ARAGORN
See Gimly, that worked better than
the Jenny Craig diet.
                                                            
Galadriel and some other Elves arrive.
                                                            
                       GALADRIEL
Welcome to Slothlorien, the
Middle-Earth Cancun.
                                                            
                       BOROMIR
      (Muttering)
Middle-Earth Cancun my ass.
                                                            
                       GALADRIEL
Now to stay in our amazing hotel
you will have to pay about thirty
dollars per night.
                                                            
                       FRODO
We don't have enough money.
                                                            
                       GALADRIEL
Oh. Then you will have to sleep in
our lovely forest. Look out for
bears and rapid dogs. We are not
responsible for those who are
burned, impaled, decapitaded,
mutiladed or dead.
                                                            
                       BOROMIR
Aw crap.
                                                            
 
EXT. FOREST IN SLOTHLORIEN - NIGHT
                                                            
The Friendship is sleeping in a forest in Slothlorien.
                                                            
Frodo wakes up.
                                                            
                       FRODO
I just had the craziest dream.
Peter Jackson got into a fight
with a bear and lost.
                                                            
A bear shows up.
                                                            
Peter Jackson shows up with a rifle.
                                                            
                       PETER JACKSON
      (Eating Big Mac)
TIME TO DIE!
                                                            
Peter Jackson shoots at the bear, he misses. The bear than
eats Peter Jackson whole. Finally that fat bastard dies. Or
is he dead?
                                                            
                       FRODO
God bless you.
                                                            
EXT. COURTYARD IN SLOTHLORIEN - DAY
                                                            

47.

Frodo is walking down stairs which lead to a courtyard.
Galadriel is seen on the courtyard pouring water into her
mirror fountain thing.
                                                            
                       FRODO
I couldn't sleep.
                                                            
                       GALADRIEL
Probably because of the train that
passes every fifteen minutes.
                                                            
Frodo walks up to Galadriel.
                                                            
                       FRODO
      (Seeing mirror)
What is that?
                                                            
                       GALADRIEL
It is the mirror of Galadriel.
Look into it and you will see the
future.
                                                            
Frodo looks into mirror.
                                                            
(Visions in Mirror)
                                                            
Vision #1: All of the Slobbits in the Shire being slaved by
apes spoofing "Planet of the Apes".
                                                            
Vision #2: Adolf Hitler brushing his mustache.
                                                            
Vision #3: Dharma and Greg.
                                                            
(End of Visions in Mirror)
                                                            
                       FRODO
Holy crap! The future looks awful!
                                                            
                       GALADRIEL
But you have the power to change
the future.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Am I God?
                                                            
                       GALADRIEL
No.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Am I Jesus?
                                                            
                       GALADRIEL
No.
                                                            
Jesus randomly shows up.
                                                            
                       JESUS
You're not Jesus, I am.
                                                            
The bear that ate Peter Jackson arrives too. Peter Jackson
is still alive in the bear's stomach.
                                                            

48.

                       PETER JACKSON (O.S)
      (In Bear's Stomach)
STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY MOVIE
JESUS!
                                                            
Jesus walks away. The bear also walks away. Yeah that was
really pointless and random. In fact, this whole script is
pointless and random.
                                                            
                       GALADRIEL
You have the power to destroy the
ring, that will change the course
of the future.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Why is everyone depending on me to
do this? Gimly's taller than me
for christ's sakes. I can't do
this Galadriel.
                                                            
                       GALADRIEL
      (Angrily)
YOU CAN AND YOU WILL!!!
                                                            
Galadriel completely transforms into an evil looking thing.
It kinda looks like one of those Matrix twins.
                                                            
                       GALADRIEL
      (Possessed)
You will destroy the ring! I eat
puppies and small children! Stay
tuned for an all new Will and
Grace.
                                                            
Galadriel turns normal again.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Holy crap! You looked like one of
those Matrix twins.
                                                            
Spam arrives.
                                                            
                       SPAM
Hello Sunshine. What's this?
                                                            
Spam walks up to the mirror.
                                                            
                       GALADRIEL
In that mirror, you can see the
future or what you would like the
future to be.
                                                            
Spam looks in the mirror.
                                                            
(Vision in Mirror)
                                                            
Spam kissing Rosie.
                                                            
(End of Vision)
                                                            
                       SPAM
      (Disgusted)
Ew. I'm kissing a girl.
                                                            

49.

                       GALADRIEL
That was the future. Now look
again to see what you want to
happen in the future.
                                                            
Spam looks in the mirror again.
                                                            
(Vision in Mirror)
                                                            
Spam and Frodo kissing.
                                                            
(End of Vision)
                                                            
Spam smiles, Frodo and Galadriel look at Spam oddly.
                                                            
TITLE CARD: WE APOLIGIZE IF THAT SCENE OFFENDED ANYONE.
                                                            
INT. CLAY AIKEN'S BEDROOM - DAY
                                                            
Clay Aiken is watching Lord of the Things on his couch.
                                                            
                       CLAY AIKEN
Jesus Christ, you guys are
bastards.
                                                            
 
INT. UNDERGROUND IN ISENGUARD - DAY
                                                            
Saruspam is undergound watching all his Dorcs create super
Dorcs called Uruk-Hai.
                                                            
Dorc with lisp walks up to Saruspam.
                                                            
                       DORC WITH LISP
The Uruk-Hai are completed thir.
                                                            
                       SARUSPAM
Excellant.
                                                            
Lurtz (the leader of Uruk-Hai) walks up to them. Lurtz is
holding a sword.
                                                            
                       DORC WITH LISP
Behold, the mathter of Uruk-Hai.
Lurtz.
                                                            
                       SARUSPAM
Finally, we have created Dorcs
more powerful and intelligent.
                                                            
                       DORC WITH LISP
Actually Lurtz is about ath
sthmart ath Jethica Thimpthon.
                                                            
Lurtz is stabbing himself in and out of his leg with his
sword.
                                                            
                       LURTZ
Sword goes in. Sword goes out.
                                                            
                       FARMER
Meh. As long as they kill that
damn Friendship.
                                                            

50.

Hundreds of Uruk-Hai arrive.
                                                            
                       SARUSPAM
      (Speaking to
       Uruk-Hai)
Now kill everyone in the Frienship
except the Slobbits except the
Slobbits. Bring the Slobbits to
me.
                                                            
                       DORC
What are you gonna do to em'?
                                                            
                       SARUSPAM
Anybody here seen Recevoir Dogs?
                                                            
The Dorcs and Uruk-Hai shrug.
                                                            
 
EXT. NEAR RIVER IN SLOTHLORIEN - DAY
                                                            
The Friendship and Galadriel are near a river.
                                                            
                       GALADRIEL
Well, you have to be continuing
your journey. We hope you had a
great time here in Slothlorien.
                                                            
                       BOROMIR
      (Muttering)
A good time? This place is awful
and smells like burnt hair.
                                                            
                       GALADRIEL
Frodo, I have a gift for you.
                                                            
                       FRODO
This better be good, every gift
I've gotten so far has really
sucked. An evil ring, a magic
shirt, an annoying sword. What
next?
                                                            
Galadriel gives Frodo a lightbulb.
                                                            
                       GALADRIEL
May it give you light in all dark
places.
                                                            
Frodo laughs sarcastically and mutters "bitch". Ya kno what,
I think this movie could hold a record for number of times
they say bitch.
                                                            
                       GALADRIEL
You will now take these small,
uncomfortable canoes down a long
river.
                                                            
INT. EBERT AND ROPER - DAY
                                                            
Ebert and Roper are reviewing Lord of the Things: the
Friendship of the Thing.
                                                            

51.

                       EBERT
Hi welcome back to Roger and
Ebert. Let's move on tour our next
movie.
                                                            
                       ROPER
Lord of the Things: the Friendship
of the Thing. Well I'm gonna have
to say thumbs down. This movie was
awful, i mean it wasn't even that
funny.
                                                            
                       EBERT
Thumbs down for me too. I mean
cummon, this movie had a few funny
parts but it was rude, and just
plain awful. I felt like gouging
my eyes out.
                                                            
Peter Jackson arrives with a shotgun.
                                                            
                       PETER JACKSON
Hey! Don't say those things about
my movie. This movie is great it
deserves an oscar.
                                                            
Peter Jackson shoots Ebert and Roper.
                                                            
                       PETER JACKSON
You better think twice before
giving my movie two thumbs down.
I've had it with this show, they
even gave Pootie Tang two thumbs
down. Pootie Tang was a great
movie!
                                                            
 
EXT. RIVER - DAY
                                                            
The Friendship are in seperate canoes riding down a river.
They are goin really slowly.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
My Grandma could run faster than
this with an egg balanced on her
nose. Man this is slow.
                                                            
EXT. FOREST - DAY
                                                            
Uruk-Hai are running through a forest.
                                                            
A retarded Uruk-Hai is far behind.
                                                            
                       RETARDED URUK-HAI
      (Breathing heavily)
Wait up you guys. My crippled legs
don't work as well as yours.
                                                            
EXT. RIVER - DAY
                                                            
                       PIPPIN
Is it just me or do I hear
hundreds of Uruk-Hai running
through a forest.
                                                            

52.

                       FRIENDSHIP
DAMMIT PIPPIN SHUT THE HELL UP!!
                                                            
EXT. FOREST - DAY
                                                            
Uruk-Hai are still running through the forest. The retarded
Uruk-Hai collapses.
                                                            
EXT. RIVER - DAY
                                                            
The Friendship are still floating down the river.
                                                            
Two giant Mary-Kate and Ashley statues can be seen.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Wow, I'd like to have a threesome
with them.
                                                            
                       SPAM
You disgust me Mr. Frodo.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Good, maybe now you'll stop
drooling over me.
                                                            
                       BOROMIR
Let's just stop at land. We can
walk faster than this.
                                                            
They dock the boats near land.
                                                            
EXT. LAND - DAY
                                                            
The Friendship are now on land.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Gimly, start a fire.
                                                            
                       GIMLY
What should I use for kindling?
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
The rough draft of "The Lord of
the Things: The Friendship of the
Thing" by Mark Tardif and Alan
Rodgers.
                                                            
Hey! That hurt. That was mean. This script isn't that bad.
Yes it is. Hey who said that? I did. Okay that's it pal, I'm
gonna kick your ass. Just keep doing the story. Fine.
                                                            
                       GIMLY
Or maybe we should use Bill
Clinton's book for kindling.
                                                            
Aragorn and Gimly laugh.
                                                            
An angry Lord of the Things protester walks up to them.
                                                            
                       PROTESTER
Okay that's it! I've had enough of
this awful movie! This movie is
offensive and hurtful. You attack
and make fun of my favourite
            (MORE)

53.

                       PROTESTER (cont'd)
celebrities, you swear, who wrote
this a bunch of monkeys with
typewriters?
                                                            
Aragorn takes out his sword and decapitates the protester.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
      (Pointing at
       audience)
And you at home, if you have
anything against Lord of the
Things come here and tell me, just
watch out, you could end up
looking worse than David Spade
without make up.
                                                            
                       MERRY
Where's Frodo?
                                                            
Frodo is nowhere to be seen.
                                                            
                       BOROMIR
I'll go look for him.
                                                            
                       SPAM
Me too.
                                                            
                       FRIENDSHIP
NO!!
                                                            
 
EXT. FOREST - DAY
                                                            
Frodo and Boromir are in the forest.
                                                            
                       BOROMIR
Don't you know that it's not good
to run off like that.
                                                            
                       FRODO
I'm continuing this journey on my
own.
                                                            
                       BOROMIR
I'll come with you to protect you
and your ring.
                                                            
                       FRODO
I am going by myself.
                                                            
                       BOROMIR
Give the ring to me or Gondor will
be destroyed.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Nobody gives a shit about Gondor,
I'm saving Middle-Earth, not
Gondor.
                                                            
                       BOROMIR
      (Sounding like
       Cartman)
GODDAMMIT YOU GIVE ME RING OR I'LL
KICK YOU SQARE IN THE NUTS!!
                                                            

54.

                       FRODO
Never!
                                                            
Frodo puts the ring on his finger and disappears.
                                                            
                       BOROMIR
You can't hide coward!
                                                            
Invisible Frodo kicks Boromir in his shin.
                                                            
                       BOROMIR
Ouch!
                                                            
Invisible Frodo hits Boromir with a baseball bat. Boromir
falls down.
                                                            
EXT. HILL IN FOREST - DAY
                                                            
Frodo takes off the ring he is now visible.
                                                            
Merry and Pippin run up to him.
                                                            
                       FRODO
What are you guys doing here?
                                                            
                       MERRY
You have to hide Frodo. The
Uruk-Hai are after your ring.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Guys you have to leave. I'm
continuing this journey on my own.
                                                            
Merry looks devistated, Pippin looks like his retarded self.
                                                            
                       MERRY
Okay, we'll let you go.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Remember guys, especially you
Pippin, be quiet, those Uruk-Hai
will kill you. Now leave.
                                                            
Merry nods. Merry and Pippin run down the hill. Pippin is
blowing an air horn while they are running down the hill.
                                                            
                       MERRY
      (To himself)
Damn it Pippin.
                                                            
 
EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE FOREST - DAY
                                                            
Merry and Pippin are surrounded by lots of Uruk-Hai.
                                                            
                       URUK-HAI
How do you like your Slobbits,
medium rare?
                                                            
All the Uruk-Hai laugh.
                                                            
                       URUK-HAI
Thank you I'll be here all week.
                                                            

55.

                       LURTZ
Wait. Don't kill them or eat them,
we must bring them to Saruspam
first.
                                                            
                       URUK-HAI
Fine. We take them to Saruspam...
then eat them.
                                                            
Boromir comes out of nowhere and starts killing Uruk-Hai.
                                                            
                       BOROMIR
Stay away from my midgets.
                                                            
Ashton Kutcher shows up.
                                                            
                       ASHTON KUTCHER
You've just been Punk'd!
                                                            
An Uruk-Hai decapitates Ashton Kutcher.
                                                            
Boromir continues killing Uruk-Hai. Merry and Pippin are
just sitting there watching Boromir fight the Uruk-Hai.
Pippin is eating popcorn.
                                                            
Boromir occasionally blows his horn.
                                                            
Lurtz shoots Boromir once with his bow and arrow.
                                                            
                       BOROMIR
Ouch. That kinda hurt.
                                                            
Boromir is still standing.
                                                            
Lurtz shoots Boromir with an arrow again. Boromir still
stands.
                                                            
Lurtz pulls out two sub machine guns and shoots Boromir
repeatedly. Boromir still stands.
                                                            
Pippin throws a rock at Boromir, Boromir falls to the
ground. Boromir lies on the ground barely alive. Dammit
Pippin.
                                                            
The Uruk-Hai pick up Merry and Pippin and start running
while holding Merry and Pippin.
                                                            
                       PIPPIN (O.S)
Oh boy where are we going?
                                                            
 
EXT. DRY GRASS FIELD - DAY
                                                            
Aragorn, Gimly and Legolas are fighting many Uruk-Hai.
                                                            
                       GIMLY
      (To Legolas)
Legolas, we fight side by side.
                                                            
Legolas tries to say something but it cuts to Gimly.
                                                            
                       GIMLY
      (To Legolas)
Of course I forgive you for
            (MORE)

56.

                       GIMLY (cont'd)
entering me in a Dwarf Tossing
contest as a joke.
                                                            
Gimly and Legolas kick some Uruk-Hai ass.
                                                            
Sean Connery starts shooting Uruk-Hai.
                                                            
                       SEAN CONNERY
Take that you beef witted apple
johns. Ha! The day is mine!
                                                            
They are all fighting but suddenly, a really hot girl in a
bikini walks into the scene and starts dancing to the song
"My Milkshake". All the Uruk-Hai stop and watch. Aragorn
starts stabbing Uruk-Hai as they watch her.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Quick! We must kill them now!
While they're looking at that hot
chick.
                                                            
Legolas starts stabbing the Uruk-Hai. Gimly is sitting in a
lawn chair with popcorn and 3D glasses watching the girl
dance.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Gimly!
                                                            
All the Uruk-Hai are sitting in lawn chairs around Gimly
watching the girl and wearing 3D glasses and eating popcorn.
One retarded Uruk-Hai is sitting backwards facing a
squirrle.
                                                            
                       RETARDED URUK-HAI
Nice.
                                                            
Aragorn pulls Gimly away and they start stabbing the
Uruk-Hai.
                                                            
Aragorn, Gimly and Legolas have killed all the Uruk-Hai.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
That was easy.
                                                            
 
EXT. LAKE - DAY
                                                            
Frodo is on his canoe in a lake ready to continue the
journey on his own.
                                                            
(Frodo's thoughts)
                                                            
                       GANDOOF
Don't screw up.
                                                            
                       GALADRIEL
      (Possessed)
I eat puppies and small children!
                                                            
(End of Frodo's thoughts)
                                                            
Spam can be seen walking in the lake towards Frodo's canoe.
                                                            

57.

                       FRODO
      (Yelling to Spam)
Are you stupid? You can't swim!
                                                            
Once Spam gets close to the canoe but he sinks underwater,
Frodo grabs his hand and pulls him onto the canoe.
                                                            
                       SPAM
Thank you Mr. Frodo.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Why do you want to come with me
Spam?
                                                            
                       SPAM
Because I love you.
                                                            
                       FRODO
Okay, how about for the rest of
the journey, we play the quiet
game.
                                                            
                       SPAM
Any game's fun with you Mr. Frodo.
                                                            
                       FRODO
      (To himself)
This is gonna suck more than the
time I saw Seinfeld live.
                                                            
(Flashback)
                                                            
                       SEINFELD
What's the deal with taxes?
(cheesy bass line) Does anyone
understand these things? (cheesy
bass line)
                                                            
                       FRODO
This sucks!
                                                            
(end of flashback)
                                                            
 
EXT. FOREST - DAY
                                                            
Aragorn, Gimly and Legolas are near the almost dead Boromir.
                                                            
                       GIMLY
Jeez, are you okay?
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Where are the Slobbits?
                                                            
                       BOROMIR
I scared Frodo away. Spam followed
him. And the Uruk-Hai took Merry
and Pippin. I have failed. Please
remember my accomplishments.
                                                            
                       GIMLY
What accomplishments?
                                                            

58.

                       BOROMIR
I came fourth in a hot dog eating
contest.
                                                            
                       ARAGORN
Well goodbye ya jackass. Gimly,
Legolas, we start chasing the
Uruk-Hai tommorow. Leave Spam and
Frodo. But we must save Merry and
Pippin.
                                                            
EXT. MOUNTAIN - DAY
                                                            
Frodo and Spam are on a mountain.
                                                            
                       SPAM
Isn't the view beautiful, Mr.
Frodo?
                                                            
                       FRODO
Spam, get your hand off my ass.
                                                            
                       SPAM
Sorry.
                                                            
Nathan (Frodo's coffee boy) arrives.
                                                            
                       NATHAN
Here's your coffee sir.
                                                            
                       PETER JACKSON (O.S)
Cut! There's a coffee boy in my
shot.
                                                            
Peter Jackson comes onscreen with a rifle.
                                                            
                       NATHAN
I'm sorry sir. Please don't hurt
me.
                                                            
Peter Jackson shoots Nathan.
                                                            
                       PETER JACKSON
Bitch.
                                                            
                       FRODO
This movie has sucked more than
those straight-to-video Disney
sequels.
                                                            


THE END


Back to Top of Page
Leave Feedback
Feedback
From toran Date 4/2/2006 ****
DUDE HELLA FUNNY!

From Scott Patrick Date 3/9/2006 0 stars
It isn't funny. It is way too short. A movie script must be atleast 90 pgs. I thought it had bad sequencing and plus I noticed it was all over the place. There was not really a story to the script. So I give it the poor rating.

From Amanda Date 5/18/2005 ***
This was so stupid that it was funny! (I'm pretty sure this wasn't meant to be intelligant by any means) I was curled over laughing within the first paragraph. Liked when you put random cracks at youselves and the audiance in the stage directions. Loved the gay references too! Randomness is Godly! Amanda'sVacuumBAAAAH! Good job!

From kj diagostino Date 3/27/2005 ****
This is honestly f**king hilarious man! Holy crap, ive never laughed so hard at anything on this site.

From sten2 Date 2/21/2005 ****
I loved this script! It was the funniest script that I've read on 'www.Scriptbuddy.com'. I loved all the parts with Pippin, Nathan and Spam. But you didn't put in my idea of how gandoof survives the Balrog but Pippin accedentally knockes him off the edge. Maybe you can add it later. Anyhoo, great script!!! I can wait till the second one comes out!

From Stephen Smith Date 2/12/2005 ****
All I can say is... THIS SCRIPT IS AWESOME!! I haven't read a script like this on script buddy. This is actually funnier than alot of famous parody movies. When it comes to comedy... you are a god! I love the spoofs, the celebs, the jokes EVERYTHING! I love this script much I'm gonna show it to so many ppl. I laughed so hard while reading this. This script is genuis, Nathan and Peter Jackson being my favorite joke. I wish u could get higher then 4 stars.

From Ellis Date 2/10/2005 ****
ONE OF THE BEST COMEDY SCRIPTS THAT I HAD EVER READ! Really! I just e-mailed you, asking for your "ok" for me to make this into a movie.

From Matt Date 2/8/2005 ****
Call Mel Brooks and make this into a movie. I couldn't stop reading it.....and kept laughing so hard. I can't say that about many of the scripts on here. You do parodies very well. This is much funnier than anything since probably Airplane.

From Sten Date 2/5/2005 ****
I give this script: thumbs up! It was Hilarious! Better then the return of the thing. Mark and Alan are talented writers! I especially liked the scene with Nathan!

From crazy Bob Date 2/5/2005 ****
This was So FUNNY!!! I think it was better than 'The Return of the Thing'. This is an incredibly great script. I hope you finish it!

From Patricia Merlino Date 2/4/2005 ****
that was HILARIOUS! very very very clever! how do you come up with that stuff? its so funny!

From Douglas Pennington Date 2/4/2005 **
Liked some of the humor.

From Gavin Date 2/3/2005 1/2
It made me chuckle in a few parts but that isn't saying much. Too cliche and way too short.

From S.M. Krause Date 2/3/2005 ****
THE LORD OF THE THINGS is a funny parody, especially the end, but I'd expand this and play around with it. You're in jokes of "KFC", Dick Cheny's gay daughter, Mountain Dew is just like that MasterCard commercial, priceless. A well written spoof, better than LORD OF THE THONGS.

From Bob Date 2/3/2005 **
I see you're going for the random humor. I really like that kind of stuff but this seems a little too random that it isn't really funny.


Back to Top of Page
Leave Feedback
You must be logged in to leave feedback.
Home    My Account    Products    Screenwriter Community    Screenwriter's Corner    Help
Forgot Your Password?    Privacy Policy    Copyright 2018, ScriptBuddy LLC.    Email help@scriptbuddy.com