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by Blake (mrshadyvale@mad.scientist.com)

Rated:

Genre: Comedy User Review:

Drunk white guy saves the world. (work in progress)

CHRONICLES OF CARL

INT. NERD BEDROOM - NIGHT

A teenage boy sits in front of a computer in his room. The
light from the monitor drapes the room in a soft blue glow.
The room is silent, except for the variant tapping on the
keyboard. The room is decorated with posters from various
films like Star Wars and The Xena Movie. The typing stops.
The teenage boy leans into the computer to read what's on
the screen.

NERD
(reading)
Do I have a webcam?

The nerd sits up. A grin spreads wide across his face. He
starts to bounce in his seat with uncontrolled joy. He
begins to mumble to himself as he bounces in his seat.

NERD
(mumbling)
She wants to see me? What do I do?
How do I do this?

There is the familiar CHIME noise, indicating the person he
was talking to has sent him a message. He quickly leans in
to read. The screen says, "Please, baby."

NERD
(astounded)
Baby?

He suddenly explodes with movement. His arms flail through
the air as he almost thorws his computer off of the desk. He
moves briskly, trying to get all of the cables in order
behind the desk. He finally pops up into his seat. He is
suddenly peaceful. His hands move up to the top of the
compuer monitor to grab the webcam and adjust the picture.
He brings his hands up over his hair and parts it back
behind his ears. He leans forward and types, "You show
yours... then I'll show mine." The CHIME goes off again. She
writes back, "Okay, lover." The NERD once again smiles.
Beads of nervous sweat are rolling over down the bridge of
his nose. The computer CHIMES again. This time, it reads,
"Ready." He leans forward. The CHIME goes off once again. It
reads, "Set." A bead of sweat runs down his lips as he licks
them intently. This time, as the CHIME goes off, a window
pops up on his monitor. The window is displaying a very dark
room.

NERD
(impatient)
Where are you?

On the screen, a VIXEN strolls out from the darkness. The
light from her computer monitor bathes the room in a soft
blue glow. Her face is hidden inthe shadows above as she
approaches the webcam. Right as the bottom of her head
becomes illuminated, her face is cut off at the top of the
screen. The computer CHIMES again. The NERD leans in to
read.

The screen says, "Now, I want to see you."

NERD
See me? Okay.

The NERD slowly reaches up to his webcam and switches it on.
The green LED light on the top lights up as he sits back. He
takes a deep breath and waits for a response. His computer
CHIMES. He leans in to read it.

The line says, "Your hot." The NERD smiles. He types
franticly, "So are you." He waits patiently. Sweat begins to
roll down his brow. His computer CHIMES again.

The type reads, "Do you want to see my tits?" The NERD
gulps. His eyes widen to the size of glof balls as he
watches the screen unblinking. The VIXEN tilts her body
forward, causing her chest to fill the entire screen. The
NERD's jaw slowly opens. His face resembles that of a
zombie. On screen, the VIXEN pulls her shirt down enought to
display that she's not wearing a bra.

NERD
(wantingly)
Mommy.

The computer CHIMES again. This time it reads, "Do you want
to see more?"

The NERD leans in and types slowly. When he leans back
proudly, his screen says, "Yef." The VIXEN leans back a
little, exposing the upper half of hr fisique. She grabs the
shoulders of her shirt and pulls them down. She slowly
shimmys the shirt down right above her breasts when she
leans in once again to type.

The computer CHIMES. It reads, "I havea question, and I want
you to be honest." The NERD'S face is drenched in sweat. The
computer CHIMES again. It reads, "Honesty is very sexy."

The NERD waits silently. His computer CHIMES again. It
reads, "Have you ever been with a woman?" The NERD tightens
in anxiety. He slowly leans forward to type. When he leans
back, the screen reads, "I've been saving myself for someone
special."

The NERD waits. The girl leans forward once more to type.
The computer CHIMES again. It reads, "I want to show you
something."

The VIXEN takes a few steps back and stands for a moment.
Her hands reach down her belly, touching the top of her
pants. She slowly unbuttons the top fastener and slowly
unzips her pants. The NERD starts to tear up. He almost
starts crying when the computer CHIMES.

It reads, "Is your blood boiling?"

NERD
Oh yeah.

The computer CHIMES. It reads, "Good."

NERD
(perplexed)
Huh?

The computer CHIMES. It reads, "It tastes better that way."

The NERD's face turns into confusion. Behind him, a figure
leans in. Right as the NERD gets up to grab the webcam, the
figure grabs his neck and plunges his teeth into the NERD.
The NERD screms in terror for only a split second before the
figure thrusts his hand over his mouth. He screams into the
attacker's hand as the sound of CHIMES rings thorugh the
room. The camera pans away to the computer, where the
dialogue box fills with remarks from the VIXEN. The remarks
continue to roll down, "Go baby!","I knew you had it in
you!","Go!","Save some for me!","Oh lord! This is what I
want!"

The suckling sound finishes, and a spray of blood splatters
onto the computer monitor. The blood drips down the screen
slowly as the last CHIME goes off.

The screen reads, "It has begun."

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS

INT. NOTHINGNESS - NIGHT

The image stays in darkness as a voice breaks the silence.

NARRATOR
As far back as recorded history
can tell, a war has raged between
good and evil. The forces of
heaven and hell have fought for
millenia for the souls of the
human race.

As the narrator speaks, images of Christian heaven and hell
appear. These images continue to fade into one and other as
the narrator continues.

NARRATOR (cont)
The forces of evil have used the
tools of hatred and violence to
try and condemn the human race to
an eternity of darkness. This evil
comes in many forms...

The images of heavenly battles change to classic renderings
of some of the evils known to man.

NARRATOR (cont)
...Beast...

a picture of a viscious snake-like creature appears
onscreen.

NARRATOR (cont)
...demon...

The picture of a horned devil appears.

NARRATOR (cont)
...the undead...

The picture of a vampire appears onscreen.

NARRATOR (cont)
...and even man himself has become
a bitter foe of the forces of
good...

A charcoal rendered picture of Carrot Top (the comedian)
flashes.

NARRATOR (cont)
...the armies of good have marched
against the forces of evil many
times, but too often...

Rendered pictures of famous battles flash onscreen. First
the crusades, then the mongols of China, then the beaches of
Normandy during World War II.

NARRATOR (cont)
...the forces of evil...

A charcoal rendered picture of the gates to Euro-Disney.

NARRATOR (cont)
...have triumphed.

The screen fades back to black.

NARRATOR (cont)
Though evil has always been more
powerful in it's numbers...

Charcoal rendering of a massive army in pith helmets.

NARRATOR (cont)
...with an arsenal of potent
weapons...

Charcoal rendering of a Michael Bolton CD.

NARRATOR (cont)
...the forces of good have held on
to the balance.

The screen goes black once again.

NARRATOR (cont)
Legends from cultures around the
world speak of generations of men
who have fought for what is
right...

Charcoal pictures of men in various forms of dress through
the ages. Each man looks like the cross between a holy man
and a warrior. First there is a man in Greek atire. The man
holds a plaque with what looks like a snake with a dagger
through the body.

NARRATOR (cont)
...men who have laid down their
lives in the name of man's good
soul...

The picture fades into a man dressed in medival knight
attire. The man holds a shield with a more detailed version
of the snake and dagger. The dagger looks more like a sword,
and flames appear to be escaping from the snake.

NARRATOR (cont)
...these men have been the only
force holding the minions of evil
at bay...

A picture of a man in Victorian era clothing is holding a
cross. He wears an armband with a crest. The crest has the
snake and sword emblem on it.

NARRATOR (cont)
...now...

The screen fades into darkness.

NARRATOR (cont)
...only one of the chosen warriors
remains...

The snake and sword crest starts to rise up in the darkness,
pushing very slowly towards the camera.

NARRATOR (cont)
...and he is the only one who
stands between the world we know,
and total destruction.

The crest dulls slighty in it's color as it comes full
screen.

NARRATOR (cont)
To some, he is known as the chosen
one... to evil, he is known as the
enemy, the world knows him as...

The darkness around the crest fades into a shelf of beer
bottles. The crest itself, is the symbol on a bottle of beer
called "Savior Ale." There is a sharp crackling before a
voice over a loudspeaker bellows.

MANAGER (cont)
(blandly)
Carl.

INT. LIQUER STORE - NIGHT

The manager's voice booms over the loud speaker. The shelves
are lined with exotic beers of all shapes and sizes.

MANAGER
Carl Hurley, front register.

CARL suddenly pops into frame from below. He has a crazed
look in his eye. He brings a beer to his lips and tips it as
his head lenas back. His tongue searches for the last drop
of alcohol. He looks around, in search of someone watching
over him.

            MANAGER
      (with a little
       feeling)
Carl... get your ass up front...
now.

Carl puts the beer back on the shelf in the only empty spot.
The beer hides him from view, but his distorted form is seen
leaving frame through the brown tinted glass.

Carl gets to his feet with a slight wobble in his hips. He
is clearly a little tipsy. His polo shirt is unbuttoned, and
the collar is pulled up on one side. He stands tall to gain
his composure. After taking a few stumbled steps, he adjusts
his collar, and buttons his shirt.

CARL moves almost gracefully now. His composure has been
gathered, and like a well trained drunk, is able t hide his
inhebration in his steps. He walks with a sense of honor
down the middle aisle of the store. As he approaches the
register, a man in his late forties stands with his arms
crossed. The man is in the middle of the aisle, waiting for
CARL to arrive to his called destination.

CARL stops about six feet from the man. The distance he has
left is an obvious attempt to hide whatever stench might be
on CARL's breath. The manager just stands there, waiting for
CARL to make the remainder of the trip.

CARL stares back at the man, knowing what he has to do. CARL
takes on thoughtful step formward and waits. The manager
gives him an eyebrow flicker, signaling that he must do
better than that. CARL hesitates for a few beats once again,
but slowly takes another step closer. The MANAGER pulls his
lips in tight, like he is hiding a sadistic smile. CARLs
face drops. CARL takes one more step in an abrupt motion.

CARL smiles at the MANAGER. The manager stares back at him
before speaking.

MANAGER
Carl.

The manager stops there. CARL looks around, slightly
confused as how to respond.

            CARL
      (with questionable
       tone)
Mr. Pacitti?

The manager smiles, then pulls his lips back once again.

MANAGER
Carl. Has your team leader spoken
with you about section seven of
the Beer-n-go associate handbook?

CARL
Um... no.

MANAGER
How about your department head?

CARL
Well... I don't think so.

MANAGER
How about your assistant manager?

CARL
No, not really.

MANAGER
And certainly not the operations
director?

CARL
I don't think I've ever met him.

The manager is now slightly upset at the comment. He quickly
hides it though behind his tightly pressed lips. He
approaches CARL and gestures for him to follow to the front
of the store. The manager continue as they walk. The manager
stays about six inches in front of CARL, making it difficult
for him to make eye contact.

MANAGER
Now, Carl, I think you should know
that the title of director does
not immediately denote that a man
holds the position.

The MANAGER stops abruptly and spins around toward CARL.
CARL is startled as he almost runs into him.

MANAGER
Beer-n-go is known for having one
of the highest growing numbers in
(MORE)

MANAGER (cont'd)
regards to women in operational
management in the industry of
alcoholic super centers under
three thousand square feet. You do
understand this, right?

CARL is without words.

MANAGER
Carl. You seem to be an inteligent
young man. Can you tell me what is
wrong with us having this
conversation?

CARL
No sir.

The MANAGER begins to walk again. CARL tries to catch up
once again.

MANAGER
This conversation is the product
of a breakdown in the
communication chain held in our
wonderful company.

CARL stops.

CARL
Sir, I don't understand what your
trying to tell me.

The MANAGER stops and spins once again.

MANAGER
Carl, today you violated section
seven of the Beer-n-go's associate
guidelines. When I passed by you
this morning, I noticed the
violation. I informed the
operational director, whom
informed your assistant manager,
whom told your department head of
the violation. The department head
asked your team leader to speak
with you about it...

The MANAGER stares into CARL intently. He presses his lips
in once again.

MANAGER
Now... I learned a few moments ago
that your team leader did not
(MORE)

10.

MANAGER (cont'd)
speak with you about the
violation. Now I must inform you
of the violation, which becomes a
burden on the entire system of
communication. Do you understand?

The MANAGER stands in front of CARL with a fake grin. CARL
tries to smile back, but his smile only comes out as a
smirk.

CARL
No.

The MANAGER is very thrown aback.

MANAGER
Well... I'll make a copy of the
associate guide and make sure it
gets down to you.

The alcohol takes over, and CARL starts to show some
backbone.

CARL
Hey, what was my violation?

The MANAGER is once again stunned. He gathers his composure
slightly.

MANAGER
I explained it to you, Mr. Hurley.
You were in violation of section
seven--

CARL
(interupting)
I don't know what section seven
is.

MANAGER
I will be sure to make sure the
guide gets to you so you can
review the rules. It is clear you
need to bone up on what it means
to be a Beer-n-Go associate.

The MANAGER walks past CARL, heading back to his office at
the rear of the store.

CARL
(playfully)
Was my cock hanging out of my
pants?

11.

The MANAGER stops dead in his tracks. He stands three feet
away from CARL. His back remains to CARL.

CARL
I mean, sometimes, when I go take
a leak, I forget to hoist the
zipper. A couple of times, here in
the store, I noticed a little
breeze down in the crotchal area.

The MANAGER slowly turns towards CARL. He has a look of
dissappointment in his eyes.

CARL
There were a couple of times,
where I was leaning down to stock
the wine shelves, and I felt my
wang tap against some of the Le
Blanc.

The MANAGER shakes his head.

MANAGER
Mr. Hurley, you are dismissed.
Please leave, you can come back to
work after I review this incident
and find an appropriate--

CARL
(interupting)
Shut the fuck up ass lick. Why
don't you go back to your little
office and jerk your spunk onto
your little certificate of
completetion for management
training.

MANAGER
On second thought, Carl, you are
fired.

CARL
(with joy)
Fan-fucking-tastic. For a parting
gift, I would like you to know
that for the past eight weeks, I
have been drinking profits by the
six-pack.

CARL starts to approach the MANAGER.

12.

CARL (cont)
... because getting drunk has been
the only way I can handle your
jibber jabber about how much your
dick doesn't smell like donkey
ass. So, take this down in a store
memo; wrap your lips around my
fire helmet and blow. You
corporate fuck stick.

CARL turns and storms for the front door. Before he exits,
he turns back inside.

CARL
Actually, on second thought, maybe
I should ask my team leader to
pass it along the chain of fucking
communications, because I want to
make sure you get that message.
Hey, team leader, did you get
that?

One of the CASHIERS nods.

CARL slams the door behind him. The MANAGER stands in
silence, a look of horror on his face.

The two cashiers look at one and other.

CASHIER 1
Your the team leader, what was it
you were suppossed to tell him?

CASHIER 2
To tuck in his shirt.

The MANAGER remains in a silent stance. He blinks as his
lips loosen.

EXT. OUTSIDE BEER-N-GO - NIGHT

CARL is standing in front of the liquer store. He reaches
into his pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He puts
one to his mouth gingerly and lights it with a match. He
takes a long drag and holds it in for a beat. He exhales and
smiles.

CARL
(narrating)
You know you've wanted to do it
too. In fact, some of you have.

13.

CARL walks through the parking lot, his hand continues to
hold the smoke near his mouth as he walks.

CARL
(narrating)
Despite what you may have heard
about me, I'm not special.

CARL reaches his car. It's a white Ford Focus. He leaves his
cigarette in his mouth as he fumbles through his pockets for
his keys.

CARL
(narrating)
You may think this was some
amazing breakthrough for the
working class man.

CARL finds the keys and places one in the door lock.

CARL
(narrating)
If there is two things that don't
describe me, it's working, and
class.

CARL opens the door and throws his ciggarettes on his
passenger seat before sitting down.

CARL
(narrating)
Tonight is just another part of a
long list of failed attempts to be
a positive part of the economy.

CARL reaches for the name tag on his shirt. He reaches over
and opens his glove compartment. The compartment is full of
two dozen other name tags of various colors and sizes.

CARL
(narrating)
I have a badge of dishonor for
every attempt I made at becoming a
dough earning individual.

He throws the new tag in with the others.

CARL
(narrating)
But I have graciously rejected
each attempt at labor.

14.

CUT TO:
A CU of CARL'S shirt, with a name tag that reads "Mr. Chans
Real Italian."

CARL
(OS)
Fuck you!

He rips the tag off of his shirt.

CUT TO:
CU of another shirt on CARL, this time he wears a name tag
that says, "Martin Cinema 35"

CARL
(OS)
Fuck off!

He rips that name tag off of his shirt.

CUT TO:
Another shirt, another name tag reading "Hexetrol Gas
Station"

CARL
(OS)
Go Fuck Yourself!

CARL rips the tag off of his shirt.

CUT TO:
Another shirt, another tag that reads "Builder's Depot."

CARL
(OS)
Go finger fuck your cat you
fucking chunky bitch bulldyke!

CARL rips that tag off as well.

CUT TO:
CU of CARL shutting the glove compartment.

CARL
(narration)
It's been one hell of a year.

CARL puts his key in the ignition. He starts the car and
puts it into gear.

            CARL
      (narration)
Yeah, your probably flabergasted
            (MORE)

15.

CARL (cont'd)
at the fact that I'm driving while
under the influence of alcohol.

CARL drives his way out of the parking lot. As he drives by
the store, the manager watches him through the front glass
window. He gives the manager the finger as he drives by.

CARL
(narrating)
But get this through your head:
I'm not your fucking savior. I'm
just a twenty something white guy
who can't keep a job worth shit.

CARL pulls into traffic.

CARL
(narrating)
Someone probably told you that I'm
the one person who has the divine
power to save the human race from
complete anhialation.

CARL stops at a light. He pulls out another ciggarette and
lights up.

CARL
(narrating)
Someone probably said something
like, "He is the only one who
stands between the world we know
and total destruction."

The light turns green, CARL drives on.

CARL
(narrating)
That's bullshit. I don't know a
damn thing about fighting the
forces of evil.

CARL takes another drag from his cigarette.

CARL
(narrating)
As far as evil goes, there is only
one force of complete terror I
have had to combat every day.

INT. CARL'S HOUSE - NIGHT

ECU on a woman's mouth as she yells.

16.

THE GIRLFRIEND
(screaming)
God damn it!

The GIRLFRIEND is standing in the middle of the living room.
CARL is sitting on the couch. He opens a beer and sips it
with pleasure on his face.

THE GIRLFRIEND
(angry as hell)
You are fucking worthless! You
swore up and down that this job
would stick. You said working with
alcohol was your calling!

CARL
(narration)
No, I think I might have said
drinking alcohol was my calling.

THE GIRLFRIEND
Ever the fucking comedian, Carl.
What the hell did I say would
happen if you quit this job?

CARL
You would grab my love stick and
play firehose?

THE GIRLFRIEND
Get the fuck out of my house!
Don't you even think about coming
back until you have another job!

CARL
Okay.

CARL stands and grabs his car keys off of a stand. He heads
for the door.

THE GIRLFRIEND
I mean it, Carl! This is the very
last time! Don't you dare come
back here without a god damned
job!

CARL opens the door and stops before exiting.

CARL
I love you, pookie.

THE GIRLFRIEND
Bite me!

17.

CARL exits and closes the door behind him.

EXT. OUTSIDE CARL'S HOUSE - NIGHT

As CARL walks arounf the corner to his car, he takes his
cell phone out of his pocket. He lights up another
ciggarette as he punches in a number. He stands outside his
car for a moment before speaking.

CARL
(to the phone)
Dude, it's me. Cool if I come over
and crash?... cool... late.

CARL gets into his car and starts it up. He turns the radio
on full blast. He backs his car out and pulls out of the
driveway. He drives out of frame, right as he throws a lit
cigarette out his window. The cigarette bounces on the
ground and rolls toward the camera.

EXT. QUIET NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT

CARL pulls into a vacant parking spot on the street. He
exits his car and lights up another cigarette. As he walks
down the sidewalk, he hears a woman SCREAM. He quickly turns
to see what direction it's coming from. He hears the SCREAM
again. He quickly turns in the direction of a side alley in
the nieghborhood.

CARL walks slowly in the direction of the noise. As he
rounds a corner he can see what looks like a young woman
being assaulted.

EXT. DARK ALLEY - NIGHT

The young woman is pinned up against a wall at the end of
the alley. A man dressed in black is holding the woman
firmly in place. Her mouth is now being covered by the man's
mouth.

CARL looks at the situation. He ducks his head back out of
view and sighs.

CARL
(to himself)
It figures.

CARL peeks back around the corner at the assault. The man in
black now has the woman on the ground. CARL ducks back
around the corner.

18.

CARL
(to himself)
Well, look on the bright side, at
least you get to punch somebody.

As the man in black lowers his body on top of the woman,
CARL comes down the alley. CARL is back lit, his sillouette
is only detailed by the orange cherry on the end of his
cigarette. The man in black sees CARL and quickly turns his
upper body to face him. With his hand still on the woman's
mouth, the man in black waits silent and still as CARL
approaches.

CARL
I'm sorry, did I interupt your
little date?

CARL continues to move forward.

CARL
You know what's worse than being
someone who's jobless, homeless,
tired, and a little drunk?

The man in black stands. The woman doesn't make a sound.
Instead, the woman shuffles herself up against the wall and
cowers into herself. The man in black stands his ground as
CARL approaches.

CARL
Being the guy who runs in to that
drunk in a dark alley.

The man in black suddenyl puts his hands up in a kung fu
type position. CARL doesn't even flinch at the movement.

CARL moves closer to the man in black.

The man in black switches fighting positions once again. His
movement is abrupt and powerful. CARL does not deviate from
his path, he just moves forward.

Once CARL gets within four feet of the man in black, he
looks down at the woman and smiles with the cigarette in his
mouth.

CARL
(to the woman)
You wanna see something funny?

In one fluid motion, CARL grabs the lit cigarette from his
mouth and flicks it at the man in black. The cigarette hits

19.

the man in the chest, causing the orange embers to spread
all over his torso. The man in black quickly moves his hands
out of their defensive position to brush the hot embers off
of his chest. Not one split second after his hands have
moved away from his face, CARL lunges forward fist first.
CARL's fist plants firmly into the man's face. CARL
continues his momentum forward as the man goes down.

The man's body hits the ground like a sack of wet meat.

CARL just stands over the body, looking. His hand reaches
into his poket and takes out his pack of cigarettes. The
woman just watches, her mouth wide open in awe.

CARL extends his hand down to the girl. She takes his hand.
He pulls her to her feet.

She stands there next to him, in shock over what just
happened. CARL continues to fumble through his pocket for a
lighter now. He looks at the woman and smiles as he extends
the pack of cigatettes toward her. She shakes her head
slowly, declining the invitation for a smoke.

CARL shrugs and puts the pack back in his pocket after
putting a smoke in his mouth. He brings the lighter up to
the tip and lights it. He takes one drag, smiles, then tips
an imaginary cap to the woman.

CARL turns around and starts to walk back out of the alley.
As he walks away, the woman stands and watches.

Without turning, CARL speaks to the woman.

CARL
You should kick him, keep him
down. I'm not coming back to crap
on him again.

As CARL continues to walk down the alley, the woman suddenly
starts kicking the downed man in black. His weak cries can
be heard as she continually knocks the wind out of him.

After CARL rounds the corner, the woman comes running behind
him.

LINDA
(out of breath)
Please wait!

CARL
(to himself)
Fuck me.

CARL stops. The woman catches up behind him.

20.

LINDA
Please, just a minute. I don't
know how to thank you for that.

CARL turns around to face her.

CARL
Well, a blow job is customary, but
I'll have to decline. Thank you
for the offer though. If my
girlfriend were to find out I was
out saving chicks in alleys to get
my monkey wet she would lay me out
like...

CARL points his cigarette to the fallen man in black.

CARL (cont)
...well, like that guy probably.
No thank you neccessary, just do
me a favor and stay the hell away
from dark alleys.

The woman runs in front of CARL and stops him by grabbing
his forearm.

LINDA
Please, I don't man to ask more of
you, but I don't feel safe out
here all alone. Do you have a
phone I could use?

CARL reaches into his pocket and takes out his cell phone.
He opens it up and looks at the screen. He sighs.

CARL
Well, unless you have a head full
of metal, you wont be able to get
any reception in this
neighborhood. Not on my cheap ass
phone.

The woman looks up at CARL with puppy dog eyes. She looks
like she's almost about to cry. He rolls his eyes and
relents to her.

CARL
Alright, look, I was on the way to
my friends house before kung fu
grip over there slowed me down.
The guy is right down the street,
and I'm sure he'll let you use his
phone.

21.

The woman smiles and higs CARL. He takes the cigarette out
of his mouth and pats her on the back awkwardly.

LINDA
Thank you so much.

CARL
(with feeling)
Don't mention it.

CARL takes the lead and the woman hangs on to his arm. CARL
stops for a brief moment and looks back towards the alley.

CARL
You think you stopped shadow back
there, or is he gonna spring up
and start shit again?

LINDA
No, don't worry about him. He's a
lightweight. He'll wake up in a
bit and wonder home a few blocks
away.

CARL
So you know ninja guiden over
there? Ex boyfriend?

LINDA
God no. He's part of this group of
guys who enjoy trying to make my
life a living hell.

CARL
Your goodies are sweet enough not
just for one stalker, but many?

LINDA
Goodies? I wouldn't put it that
way. They're these assholes that I
knew... we went to school
together. Our group of friends
didn't get along with them, so now
they target me.

CARL
I had people I didn't get along
with in high school, I called them
"everyone else."

CARL stops walking in front of a house.

22.

CARL
Well, except Dean. He was always
my compadre. That reminds me, this
is Dean's house.

CARL points to the house behind them.

CARL
Now, Dean is a little...
eccentric. Don't let him bother
you, he's quite harmless.

They start walking up the house's front path.

LINDA
I've known my share of eccentrics.

CARL
Okay. Just, whatever you do, don't
eat or drink anything you find
inside.

LINDA
How bad could it be?

Suddenly the front door swings open and DEAN pops his head
out into the outside world.

DEAN
The gravy man! Hurry, come inside!

The two move inside quickly. Dean steps outside for a brief
moment onto the porch. He looks onto his lawn and sees a
Lawn Gnome. Dean SCREAMS at the gnome.

DEAN
I'm on to you tiny santa man!

Dean quickly darts back inside the house and slams the door
shut.

EXT. WOODED AREA - NIGHT

The air is thick withan offshore type of mist. The sky is
perfectly clear, showing an eerie backdrop od moon and stars
through the trees. As the camera approches, a pick up truck
can be seen parked in a clearing at the top. In the bed of
the truck, two figures can be seen making out. There is the
soft audible sound of a mna and women kissing in lustful
abandon,

23.

HORNY MAN
God damn it girl, you are so
fucking hot.

HORNY CHICK
(out of breath)
Jesus Christ! I need it now!

As the view becomes a little bit clearer, the outline of the
man removeing the woman'shirt can be seen.

HORNY MAN
How badly do you want me, baby?

Without a verbal response, the woman abrubtly grabs the
man's shirt and rips it into two clear pieces. She attacks
him aggresively as she throws the two separate pieces onto
the ground near the back of the truck. The camera comes down
to the ground, and instead of focusing in on the bed of the
truck, tracks in on the torn pieces of shirt. The truck
begins to rock.

HORNY MAN
Do you want it now?

The truck starts to creak and rock slightly. The sounds of a
not so gentle approach into seduction can be heard.

HORNY CHICK
No. Not there, that's not it.

HORNY MAN
How 'bout--

HORNY CHICK
(interupting)
Shit. Stop, let me do it.

There are some minor grumbling noises. It sounds more like
the woman is trying to change an air filter, rather than
instigate penetration. Finally after a little trouble, the
noise stops.

HORNY MAN
Oh yeah, baby! You feel so...

The man trails off. The truck suddenly starts to rock with
verdant enthusiasm. Both the man and woman growl and groan.
They are not aking the sexy, sensual noises usually
associated with fantasy sex. They sound more like a terrible
tug-of-war between two weak opponents. The moans quickly
escelate, and the woman can be heard louder and louder as
the movement progresses.

24.

HORNY CHICK
Oh big papa!

HORNY MAN
(with hesitation)
Not yet, baby!

HORNY CHICK
(orgasmic)
OH GOOD SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS!

The rocking abrubtly stops. The camera pulls back.

HORNY MAN
(dissappointed)
Oh, baby. Too soon.

The camera is now back enough to where we can see the bed of
the truck. There is the shocking realization on screen that
the couple is no longer alone. Two dark figures stand on
each side of the bed next tothe wheel wells. The figures
stand motionless. Suddenly, the woman sits up with the man.
She turns her head back quickly to look at the figure right
behind her.

HORNY CHICK
What the fuck! Get the fuck out of
here!

HORNY MAN
God damn it! You fucking--

The man is cut off as the two dark figures each rush in on
their respective prey. They grabs their heads with great
force and snap their necks in unison. Both of the bodies
fall lifeless into the bed of the truck where they lay just
moments before.

FADE OUT.

Feedback

From Andrew S. Daurelle	Date 8/13/2005
Not bad. Carl reminds me of Constantine. I also like, Dean, aswell. I'd like to see more. Oh, yeah. The insults are killers. Really original. I like 'em.

From JARROD MARTIN	Date 3/2/2005
GREAT BEGINNING. CARL IS A GREAT CHARACTER. YOU CAN TAKE HIM ANYWHERE AND HE'LL BE ENTERTAINING. I LAUGHED OUT LOUD. GREAT!

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