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The Lord of the Things: The Two Hours of Footage That You Don't Want to Watch But You Have to Watch Anyways, So Sit Down Bitch
by Alan Rodgers (tucool4u70@hotmail.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***1/2
The sequel to the first one.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


The Camera is circling a mountain. The opening credits are
playing as it circles. As it goes past the mountain a beam
of fire shoots out and kills a bird thats been flying around
the mountain. The camera enters the hole. Gandoof is
fighting the Balrog.
You shall not pass...bitch.
Gandoof pounds the ground with his staff and the bridge
breaks. The Balrog falls down the hole. Gandoof slips a
little but he's okay.
I'm okay.
Suddenly, a bird comes out of no where and hits Gandoof in
the face.
You'll have to do alot more than
that to make me fall off this
Hundreds of birds come out of nowhere and knock him off the
bridge. Gandoof is falling down the hole.
You god damn birds!
Gandoof dives down the hole after the Balrog. The crazy guy
is still falling down the hole.
                       CRAZY GUY
I've been shot in the eye! Now I
can see the future!
Gandoof punches the crazy guy and keeps going towards the
Balrog. Gandoof raises his sword and cuts at the Balrog's
legs. The Balrog howls.
Oh, sorry Wiggles. I just have to
make this look realistic.


Gandoof pats the Balrog on the head and gives it a cookie.
Now, lets fly away before we
impact the water and die.
Gandoof gets on the Balrog's back and they fly around
looking for an exit. The Balrog flies under a stalactite and
it smacks Gandoof in the head. Gandoof falls off the Balrog
and plummets towards the water below.
Son of a bi...
Gandoof hits the water.
Sam and Frodo are sleeping. Frodo wakes up suddenly.
Spam is holding onto Frodo's hand. Frodo smacks Spam in the
Damn it Spam! I told you not to
hold my hand while I'm sleeping.
Sorry, Mr. Frodo. Reflex.
Frodo and Spam are walking around a big rock. There is an
indentation in the ground since they've walked there so
much. As they go past one part, Spam always trips.
Wait a minute. I've seen this rock
before. I think we're going in
Maybe we should go right.
Now that's just crazy. Let's keep
Frodo and Spam keep walking.


It's getting dark. We'd better go
to bed.
You can sleep Mr. Frodo. I'm just
gonna...take pictures of the
You don't have a camera.
There is an awkward scilence. Frodo looks pissed.
Well this is awkward...
Some rocks above them shake and fall.
I don't think we're alone.
Frodo and Spam are sleeping. A strange mangled creature
comes up and stands over them.
Frodo and Spam jump up with their swords out and grab the
strange creature. They put a blanket over it and start
stabbing it. Frodo takes off the blanket.
Was it Gollum?
Nope. Whitney Huston.
Frodo puts the blanket back over her. Suddenly, Gollum pops
up from behind them and jumps on Spam. Spam elbows Gollum in
the stomac and flips him on his back. Gollum gets up and
jumps backwards mimiking "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon".
Spam does the same thing. They bounce off rocks and attack
eachother in the air. Spam and Gollum land on tree top
branches and jump to the top. They jump at eachother and
start fighting. While they're fighting in the air, Frodo
throws a rock at Gollum and knocks him out of the sky.
Gollum lands next to Frodo. Spam hovers downward and lands.


What should we do with him?
Hmm...Are you thinking what I'm
I think so...
A thought bubble appears above Spam's head. Spam is at a
rodeo. A buzzer rings. The gate opens and Spam is riding on
top of Gollum. Gollum is bucking and trying to knock Spam
off. Spam is holding onto Gollum tightly. The buzzer rings
again and Spam jumps off. He stands in the center of the
arena and waves at the crowd as they cheer. In the
background, the rodeo clowns are tazering Gollum. End of
Spam's thoughts.
Stupid question.
Frodo walks up to Gollum. Gollum is scratching his head.
Why dids you hits gollum with the
rockses? Now we can'ts do simple
math, precious.
Do you know the way into Mordor?
Can you take us there?
Frodo pulls down a map.
Can you show me the exact location
of Atlantis?
Where is it then?


Gollum points to an area on the map.
That's Kentucky. But close enough.
You will be our guide to Mordor.
Why shoulds I?
Well, we're in the middle of
no-where, we hate you and there is
no law against killing disfigured
creatures in this country.
Good pointses precious.
Good, now let's roll!
Gollum and Spam stare at Frodo.
Let's just go.
The Uruk-Hai are jogging through a canyon. The one in the
front stops and sniffs the air.
What is it? What do you smell?
                       DORK #2
Someone stepped in dog shit. Check
your shoes!
All the Dorks check their feet. Merry and Pippin wake up.
Pippin, are you okay?
WEEEEE! I'm riding a giant furbee!
                       DORK #2
Let's just keep moving.
The Dorks keep running. Merry rips the broach off his cloak
and drops it on the ground.


Aragorn is listening to a rock.
They're moving again. We must
continue on.
Legolas and Gimly are running behind him. Legolas tries to
say something but Gimly cuts him off.
No time for talking Legolas. I'm
sure whatever you have to say can
wait t'ill later.
The camera shows all of Legolas' body. There's an arrow
stuck in his back and a knife through his leg. Legolas takes
the knife and the arrow out. All 3 of them start running
after the Uruk-Hai.
Aragorn, Legolas and Gimly are running through the same
canyon as the Uruk-Hai were running through before. Then
they're running through another part of Rohan. Then they're
running past the Iffle Tower. Then they're running accros
the yellow brick road and cut off Dorthy. Toto bites Gimly's
leg and won't let go. Then they're running through a
volcano. Then they're running past a sleeping Mexican in a
Theoden is sitting on his throne. He looks really ugly,
because he is possessed. Eomer comes in carrying the body of
Theodred, the king's son.
My lord, your son has been killed.
And Rohan is being invaded.
And someone keyed your Cadillac.


Why are you here? Shouldn't you be
somewhere killing yourself?
Wormtongue steps out of the shadows.
Piss off, you stupid douche.
Don't call me a douche, ass hole!
You are a douche.
My mom says I'm not a douche.
Well, your mom is a douche too.
Thats it! Get outta here! If you
come back to Rohan, I'm gonna
shoot you!
Uncle Theoden, you can't let him
do this!
Eomer is escorted out by two big guys. Eowyn walks in.
My lord, I finnished scrubbing the
royal bedday.
Can you say anything other than


The Uruk-Hai stop running.
My feet hurt. I'm not running
until I get a pedicure.
The guys from Queer Eye For The Straight Guy come out of
                       THE "QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY" GUY
Not only will you get a pedicure,
but a complete makeover! FABULOUS!
The "Queer Eye" guys pick up the Dork and take him away.
Pippin and Merry are dropped on the ground. Sounds are
coming from the forest.
Whats that Merry? Is it Jesus?
No. Did you ever hear the stories
back in the Shire how trees could
talk to each other? I think thats
whats going on in there.
Camerea goes to two trees.
                       TREE #1
Jeff, that fucking squirrle is in
my hair again.
                       TREE #2
Just ignore it, it'll leave.
                       TREE #1
But it's chewing on my nuts.
Camera goes back to Uruk-Hai.
Damn it, I'm hungry. Why don't we
eat the midgets?


                       DORK #2
No, we can't eat the midgets. If
we do, the wizard is going to kill
Can't we eat their legs? They
don't need those.
                       DORK #2
We can't hurt them you puss
spewing sack of crap.
Shut up you crap munching... ass
Dork #2 cuts off Dork #1's head.
Can we eat him?
                       DORK #2
Go for it.
All the Dorks start eating the dead Dork. Suddenly, a bunch
of guys on horses come out of no where and spear the Dorks.
One of the Dorks dies right in front of Merry and Pippin.
Maby we should leave.
Merry and Pippin get up and start running. Pippin trips and
rolls on his back. A horse is right overtop of him.
Hi horsey!
The horses legs come down on the camera and it cuts out.
Aragorn, Gimly and Legolas are running accross the fields
(how the hell aren't they dead from running all night!?).
Legolas stops. He tries to say something but is cut out by
Legolas! Get your ass in gear! We
don't have time to stop!


They keep running. They reach the top of a hill and Gimly
looks down.
Hey! there's some riders of Rohan!
Let's yell at them and see if they
The riders run past.
Hey ass holes! Come here!
Aragorn slaps his hand on his own face.
Gimly, you are such a dumb ass.
The riders run up and surround them. They point their spears
at them. One of the riders comes towards them. Have I used
the word "Them" enough?
Who the hell are you?
Who the hell are you?
I asked you first.
I asked you first.
Are you just repeating what I'm
Legolas smacks Gimly in the head.
I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn.
This is Gimly, son of Groin and
Legolas...no one knows who his
papa is.


I am Eomer, son of some guy you
guys'll forget the name of in
about 3 minuts. I am loyal to
Rohan and so we...
Ya that's great, buddy. Did'ja see
a bunch of Dorks run by here with
a couple midgets?
We saw some Dorks but we didn't
see any midgets. We probably
killed 'em. Sorry. Were they your
There is a long sad scilence. One of the riders farts.
We burned the bodies if that makes
you feel any better.
Everyone looks at him.
No...no of course it
doesn't...Here, take these horses.
You'll get around faster with
them. (long pause) Okay, bye bye.
The riders leave. Aragorn, Gimly and Legolas get on the two
horses (Gimly and Legolas share a horse). They ride to a
pile of dead Dorks. They get off their horses. Gimly jumps
into the pile looking for the Slobbits. Aragorn and Legolas
are standing outside the pile looking at Gimly. Gimly pokes
his head out. Then he pokes his hand out and he's holding a
Slobbit belt.
Goddamn son of a bitch! We're too
late! (he looks over at Legolas) I
told you you shouldn't have
stopped for a hair cut!
Legolas puts his head down in shame. They begin to walk away
when suddenly, Aragorn grabs his head and falls to the
ground. He has a flashback of scenes from the battle.
Augh! My head! I'm seeing the
past! Ugh! They are running...


Flashback: Merry and Pippin are running away from the
battle. Pippin falls over and the horse is over top of him.
Pippin: Hi horsey!
Merry pulls Pippin out of the way just in time when the
hoves of the horse come down. They get back up and keep
Their bonds were cut...
Flashback: Merry falls over and finds an axe. He cuts his
arm bonds with it. Then he unties Pippin's binds. They both
start running.
They were followed...
Flashback: Merry and Pippin are being chased by Micheal
                       MICHEAL JACKSON
Come back kiddies! I have Jesus
Merry and Pippin run into the forest and Micheal Jackson
follows them.
And into Fangorn Forest...
How did you do that?
Aragorn puts up his finger and starts flexing it.
Redrum. Redrum.
I see.
Merry and Pippin are running through the forest.
      (breathing heavily)
I think we lost him.
Micheal Jackson comes out behind some trees.


                       MICHEAL JACKSON
Come on kids, come to Neverland
with me! Running away is ignorant!
Merry and Pippin start running again.
Quick! Up this tree!
Merry and Pippin climb up a tree. Micheal Jackson comes out
from behind some bushes. He looks around and sees the
Slobbits. Suddenly, a tiger comes out and eats him.
Well, that was unexpected. But I
guess everything in this movie is.
I can't taste wood.
Merry looks pissed. Suddenly, the tree that they're sitting
on opens it's eyes. It looks at them.
      (Italian Mobster
What the hell? You goddamn
squirrels! I told you to stay the
hell off me while I'm sleepin!
Merry, the tree is talking.
Oh for god sakes, Pippin! Take
your medica... holey crap that
tree is talking.
Tree? I ain't no tree. I'm
Treebutt! Leader of the Ents.
What the hell is an Ent?
Well, we ain't exactly trees,
ain't exactly Elves, but we make
our own drugs.
What does that even mean?


Ya know what? I'm not sure. But
that's not the point. You damn
squirrels shouldn't be playin' on
me, eh? So I'm gonna make you an
offer you can't refuse. I'm gonna
take you to the white wizard and
he's gonna tell me what I'm gonna
do with you.
Yay! We're going for a ride! Can
we stop at McDonalds?
Treebutt drops Merry and Pippin on the ground infront of the
feet of the white wizard.
Oh my god!
Dog ho ym!
Frodo, Spam and Gollum come out from behind some rocks.
There, precious. The passage
through the marshes. They are
ugly, they are stinky and they are
big and round; like the fat
Spam smacks Gollum accross the head. The blow knocks down
Come Spam. Come Gollum. We must be
on our way.
Gollum is leading the Slobbits through the marshes.
These mashes is where the great
battle of Middle Earth was fought.
Elvses and Dorkses and stinky
Menses. Don't follow the lights or
you will go down with the dead.


AWW! This was an awful time to
wear sandals.
The camera moves down to Spams sandals. They're pink and the
sraps are covered in flowers.
They continue walking. Frodo looks at one of the dead people
under water. It opens it's eyes and gets up.
Holey crap, did I over sleep!
Christ, I have to get back to the
Betty Ford Clinic.
The man gets up and walks away.
I said don'ts look at the lights!
Gollum turns around and starts mumbling curses. They keep
walking and they hear a screech overhead.
Albino black riders! Run!
Quick! Under that shrub! It won't
be able to see us if we hide under
The camera moves to a small stick. A small piece of it
breaks off.
Or, we could hide under that big
tree over there.
The Slobbits and Gollum run and hide under the tree. The
Albino Black Rider gets closer.
                       ALBINO BLACK RIDER
Damn it. Why did I accept swamp
duty? *Sigh* Sure, Frank gets the
day off 'cuz he calls in sick!
He's not sick! He's at home
playing "HALO" with Pete. Son of a
Suddenly, a tank runs over the tree that the Slobbits and
Gollum are under. The Slobbits and Gollum get out of the way


just in time. The tank's gun aims upwards and fires a shell
at the Albino Black Rider. The A.B.R. explodes and falls to
the ground.
                       ALBINO BLACK RIDER
Aww, I'm so bad at this.
The tank's hatch opens up and George W. Bush pops his head
                       GEORGE W. BUSH
Come on, boys! I know there's oil
around here somewhere!
Peter Jackson and Micheal Moore come up to the tank. Micheal
Moore throws a grenade down the hatch and Peter Jackson
pushes Bush down and locks the hatch down.
                       PETER JACKSON
Not in my movie, buddy!
Peter Jackson and Michael Moore stare at each other for a
couple seconds. The love music starts playing and the screen
waves into a new scene. Michael Moore and Peter Jackson are
running through a field full of flowers togethor. Then
they're walking through a park. A bunch of kids are playing
with a soccer ball.
                       MICHAEL MOORE
Children, did you know the profits
from the soccer ball go to fund
terrorism and that President Bush
is allowing this to happen. So by
playing soccer, you are a
Peter Jackson shoots off his shotgun into the air. All the
kids run away screaming. Michael Moore and Peter Jackson
laugh and keep walking. Then Michael Moore is feeding a
hotdog to Peter Jackson. Some of the ketchup from the hotdog
comes out and falls on Peter jackson's crotch. They both
look down and then up at each other. Michael Moore opens his
mouth and starts moving downward. Scene cut back to the
marshes. Just in time, thank god.
What the hell are they doing?
      (with lisp)
They are so gay.
Gollum and Frodo look at Spam.


Let's just get out of here.
Spam and Frodo are lying down. Spam is sleeping but Frodo is
groaping the ring.
My precious... so small, so
beautiful... we wants to make
loves to the precious.
Frodo gets up and sees Gollum squatting next to the water.
He gets up and goes to Gollum.
I know you're just after the ring.
But I beleive you are good inside
and I'm going to try and help you.
No, we don'ts needs help. GOLLUM
You wern't so different from a
Slobbit once were you...
That was your name once.
My name... Smeagol...SMEAGOL!
Spam throws a boot at Gollum/Smeagol and knocks him into the
Aragorn, Legolas and Gimly are walking through the forest.
The woods are making noises. Gimly takes out his axe.


The woods are making noises.
What's going on?
Gimly, put down your axe! Your
scaring the trees.
Screw the trees!
A branch comes down and smacks Gimly in the face. Gimly puts
away his axe.
                       TREE #1
                       TREE #2
I just had to do that.
Legolas stops.
Whats wrong, Legolas?
Legolas tries to say something but is cut off.
Legolas, I think we're being
followed. The white wizar is
behind us. We must be swift. NOW!
Aragorn, Gimly and Legolas turn around. Legolas fires an
arrow, Gimly throws an axe and Aragorn takes out his sword.
The arrow just misses the white wizzard and the hilt of the
axe smacks the wizard in the forehead. Aragorn runs toward
                       WHITE WIZARD
NO! Don't attack! Owwww! My head!
Light is covering the wizards face.
Where are Merry and Pippin?
                       WHITE WIZARD
They passed here, the day before
yesterday. Does that make you
Who are you?


The light dimms and theres a paper bag on the head of the
Take that bag off your head.
The wizard takes the bag off his head and under the bag
there's a bear mask.
Now take off the mask.
He takes off the mask and the wizard is Gandoof.
Gandoof! How did you survive the
Well, that's a long story...
Gandoof and the Balrog are walking through a shopping mall.
Gandoof has a bandaid on his head from when he got smacked
in the head with the stalactite. They walk through the mall
and go to the salon. The "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy"
music is playing. At the salon, Gandoof gets his hair turned
white and is cleaned up. The stylist touches the Balrog and
burns her hand. She screams and runs away. They leave the
salon and go to the GAP. Gandoof comes out of the dressing
room. He's wearing jeans and a buttoned up white shirt. The
Balrog shakes it's head. Gandoof comes out again wearing a
dress. The Balrog shakes his head. Gandoof comes out wearing
a white robe. The Balrog nods his head. They leave the mall
with a bunch of shopping bags.
But I can tell you that it was
gruesome and heart wrenching.
Listen, we better get to Rohan.
Sauron's gonna attack them at any
time. We have to speak to Theoden.
Okay, lets go.


Gandoof, Aragorn, Gimly and Legolas come out of the forest.
Gandoof start whistling a tune. Suddenly a horse rides up to
Wow, Gandoof. You have that horse
trained to come to you when you
Then why did it come to you?
I dunno. But I don't care, now I
don't have to share a horse with
Aragorn. I mean for god sakes take
a bath, man.
Aragorn puts his head down in shame. They all get on their
horses and head for Edoras.
Merry and Pippin are sitting ontop of Treebutt.
      (Italian Mobster
I told Gandoof I'd keep you two
safe. So thats what I'm gonna do,
see? My padd is on the other side
of the forest. But you shouldn't
go too far from it. The trees, ya
see, they don't like ya. So
they're gonna try anytime they can
to whack ya, got it? Good.
I'm not allowed near children.
Frodo, Spam and Gollum jump behind a rock. They are
breathing heavily.
Nice going, Gollum. Just as we
were about to get through, you


                       SPAM (cont'd)
push me down the hill. If it
wasn't for Frodo they would've
found us.
Why does the fat one accuses us?
Spam, they did find us. Don't you
remember? We've been running away
from them for the last ten
minutes! And besides, it wasn't
Smeagol here who pushed you, you
just fell.
Oh ya? Well why was he throwing
rocks at us while you were trying
to save me?
He was throwing them at the Dorks
who were trying to attack us. He
just has bad aim.
Well, why was he laughing at us
and leading the Dorks to us?
Spam, I'm sick of having to
explain everything to you. Figure
it out yourself.
How abouts we shows the Slobbits
another way into Mordor? Would
thats makes it good?
Oh, alright Smeagol. Just because
you're so cute.
Don't listen to him, Mr. Frodo.
He's lying. Don't trust him.
Aww, come on. He wouldn't lie to
us. He's so cute I mean just look
at him.


The camera moves over to Smeagol. He's slobering everywhere,
there's dirt on his face, his hairs are tangled and uneven
and he's chewing on a dead rabbit.
Let's buy him a present.
Eowyn comes out of the main temple. She looks out to the
mountains. The wind is blowing hard. Its blowing her hair
and dress back. A bunch of stuff comes flying past. A
newspaper flies into her face. She pushes it away. A cow
comes flying in and smokes her. She gets back up and the
wind dies down. She looks down at the gates and sees
Aragorn, Gandoof, Gimly and Legolas coming up towards
The scene cuts to Aragorn and the other dumbasses. Aragorn
is riding his horse up to Edoras. He looks up at the main
temple where Eowyn is. He sees her. He looks away then looks
back. She's gone. He looks away and looks up again. The
crazy guy has taken her place.
                       CRAZY GUY
I can't find my baby!
Gandoof, Aragorn, Gimly and Legolas arrive at the main
temple. Everyone is looking at them.
This place is less cheerful than
when I went to Vatican City.
Gimly is sitting at a big table with a bunch of priests.
So this priest is at a little
league game...
All the priest are glaring at him.
Gandoof, Aragorn, Gimly and Legolas walk up to the main
temple. A man walks up to them.
I'm sorry, Before you see the
king, we need to take your wepons.


Aragorn, Legolas and Gimly hand over a bunch of different
wepons. Arnold Schwartzenegger hand over a sub machine gun
and a rocket launcher to the guard.
                       ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER
Augh. I am no longer a man.
They begin to walk through but the man stops Gandoof.
I'll need to take your staff too.
How 'bout no?
Okay. Go right ahead.
Gandoof, Aragorn, Gimly and Legolas enter the building. They
walk up to the king. Wormtongue is sitting next to him.
My lord, it's Gandoof the gay. We
don't like him.
Oh no, the king has been possesed
by Sauruspam. We need to exorcise
Richard Simmons comes running in. He tries to say something
but he's cut off by Gandoof.
I said exorcise not exercise. Ya
know, like how wee need to get the
demond out of him?
                       RICHARD SIMMONS
You mean the fat demond?
Aragorn turns him around and kicks him in the ass.
Thank you Aragorn, now can we get
a priest in here?
A priest comes in the side door of the temple. He opens his
bible and looks over at Gimly. He opens his mouth in shock
then becomes red with anger.


Oh god! Not again!
Gimly starts running away. The priest chases after him.
Great, I have to do this myself.
Gandoof looks over at Theoden.
King Theoden, Lord of Rohan, I
sense and evil presence in you. I
am here to exorcise it from you.
We don't want what your selling,
ass hole! Right, King Theoden?
Get out of here you douche!
Goddamn it! I'm not a douche!
Muahahahahahaha! AHAHAHAHAHA!
Everyone looks up at Theoden.
You'll never get me out of
Theoden! Rohan is mine!
Oh really?
A bright light comes from Gandoof. He takes off his cloak.
Theoden is taken back.Gandoof is naked. You can only see his


Gandoof, put your cloack back on.
Gandoof puts his cloack back on and takes out his staff.
Saruspam! I cast you out!
The staff! I told you to take his
staff! Goddamn it you dumbasses!
A bunch of people attack Aragorn, Gimly and Legolas. They
get in a big brawl.
Saruspam! You will not harm
Theoden and you will leave
If I'm going down, Theoden dies
with me!
No you won't! Now get the hell
Gandoof smacks Theoden in the nuts with the staff. He falls
on the ground. Scene cuts to Sauruspam in his tower. He
flies backwards and hits the wall.
Son of a bitch!
Scene cuts back to Edoras. Eowyn comes in and sees him. She
runs up to Theoden and helps him up. As he gets up, his face
changes and he seems alot younger.
What the hell? Where am I? Eowyn?
Whats going on?
Theoden looks over at Wormtoungue. He is cowering in a
corner. Theoden looks pissed.
Scene cuts to outside the main temple. Wormtongue is thrown
out the doors.


Holey crap!
He falls down the stairs and lands at the bottom. Theoden
comes out with his sword. He starts walking down the stairs
towards Wormtongue.
You little douche! You tried to
control me! Who knows what you did
while I was under Saruspam's
spell! I'm gonna kick your ass!
Theoden is standing over Wormtongue and lifts his sword as
if to strike. Aragorn runs up and stops Theoden before he
can kill Wormtongue.
No, Theoden! NO!
Why shouldn't I kill him?
Because if you let him go, he'll
tell Saruspam about us and he'll
send thousands more like him. So
we can kill all of them.
      (In whiney voice)
But I want to kill him now!
Do you want to kill one now, or a
thousand later?
Theoden looks at Aragorn, then Wormtongue. Then Aragorn,
then Wormtongue again. He puts down his sword. Wormtongue
gets up. While he's trying to get up, Theoden kicks him in
the ass and knocks him down again. Wormtongue cheeses it out
of Edoras and steals a horse. As he's riding away, Gimly
chucks a rock at his head and knocks him off his horse.
Bull's eye!
Legolas gives Gimly a high five.
Now, where's my son?


He's dead.
Oh... well that sucks... but I
guess I can always make more.
Gandoof, Theoden, Aragorn, Gimly and Legolas are sitting
around a table making fun of "That 70's Show". They are all
So, what should I do about the
whole "invincible armada of Dorks
running around Rohan destroying
everything in their path" thing?
The camera swivles to Aragorn.
You got, like, 2000 of your dudes
headin' north. Maby you should
send somebody to get 'em.
The camera swivles back to Theoden.
Naa. I'm to lazy.
The camera swivles to Gandoof.
How 'bout I go? I can get them
with my new horse.
The camera swivles to Theoden.
Alright. But don't take too long.
The camera swivles to Gandoof
Don't worry, I should be back in
about five days with your army.
The camera swivles to Theoden.


Good, but what should I do with my
The camera swivles to Aragorn.
We could give 'em chips and beer!
What do you think, Gimly?
The camera swivles to Gimly. He's staring at his hands.
My fingers are plotting against
me. I can hear you, you little
The camera swivles to Legolas. He tries to say something but
Gimly cuts him off.
I know what you're going to do so
stop talking to eachother! No...
Now don't you give me any lip! If
you keep talking I'll dip you in
hot water!
The camera swivles to Aragorn.
Ya know what? I havn't had a
twinkie in a long time.
The camera swivles to Theoden.
Getting back to the whole
"protecting my people" part...
The camera swivles to Gandoof.
Right. You should bring them to
Helm's Deep. They'll be safe
Camera swivles to the crazy guy.
                       CRAZY GUY
I can't feel my pockets!
The camera swivles back to Gandoof.


Ya... I still don't see why you
invited him...
The camera swivles to Theoden.
Meh. It seemed like a good idea at
the time. Well, it's settled.
We're going to Helm's Deep!
The camera swivles to Aragorn. He's finnishing of a bag of
What was that? Sorry, I wasn't
The camera swivles to Gimly. He's smashing his fingers with
a hammer.
I'll smash you good! Say things
behind my back, will ya?
The camera swivles back to Aragron.
Whoah dude, you're trippin'.
Eowyn is packing her things into a big bag. She pulls out a
sword and starts slicing the air. As she slices behind her,
she kills a stage hand.
Oh... um...sorry.
You are good with a sword.
Eowyn turns around to see Aragorn. She's slightly
What do you want?


A piece of ass.
Excuse me?
Uh... nothing. I just wanted to
know why you were slicing stuff.
Such as the stage hands.
I'm practicing. I know that I must
fight in the battle to come.
Well if you need something to
practice on, you can use my stage
No, don't worry. I don't need...
A small, weak and nerdy stage hand comes up holding a tray
with coffee.
                       NATHAN THE STAGE HAND
Yes sir. I have your coffee here,
Aragorn takes a coffee off the tray and takes a sip. He
spits it onto the ground.
Aragorn flips the coffee out of the stage hand's hands and
dumps it all over him. It starts burning him.
                       NATHAN THE STAGE HAND
The stage hand runs away.
Aw well. So, are you afraid of
dying in this war?


No, I am not.
Then, what are you afraid of?
A cage. So that I can never be
Un-hun. Well then, maby you should
take a look at... THIS!
Aragorn whips out a bird cage. Eowyn screams and runs away.
Aragorn falls on the ground laughing.
Frodo and Spam are walking along a river. Gollum is ahead of
them, trying to catch a fish.
Hey, Stinker! Don't go too far
Why do you always tease him like
The scene cuts to Spam holding a fish and dangling it in
front of Gollum's face. When Gollum tries to get it, Spam
pulls it away and laughs. Spam throws the fish off a cliff
and Gollum jumps off after it. The camera shows from far
away Gollum falling off the cliff. He falls for ten seconds
straight. Gollum hits the ground with a thump and a cloud of
dust is kicked up. Scene cuts back to Frodo and Spam.
Isn't it obvious? It's damn funny!
Who doesn't like seeing an evil,
mangled creature get screwed up
even more?
Well, I do! I want to help him and
all you can do is treat him like
crap. If you can't help me then
you can go to hell!
There's a long scilence.


I'm sorry Spam. I don't know why I
said that.
I do. It's the ring. It's taking
control of you. It's changing you
into another Gollum.
Don't tell me what's going on. I
know what's going on. Fo shizzle.
You don't know fo shizzle. You
think you all dat but chew ain't
G. That bizzatch ring got you
trippin, Boo.
Na, brotha. You be trippin. Dis
bling be ma probono. You ain't got
no say in ma shit. Now how yall
gonna act?
Spam keeps walking down the river.
'Got not right preechin' to me.
Jesus is ma homeboy. This is ma
Frodo and Spam are sleeping. Spam's hand starts moving
towards Frodo's hand. Frodo slaps his hand. The camera moves
over to Smeagol; sitting on a rock. Everytime it switches
between Gollm and Smeagol, the camera moves over.
The precious. We wants the
precious. Filthy hobbitses. They
stoles it froms us, they did.
Curse thems. CURSE THEMS!
No. The master is goods to us.
He's our friend.
You don't have any friends. Nobody
likes you. You're smelly, ugly,
and you hates everyone.


No. They likes me. But they hates
you. You are the ass holses.
Don't be means to us, precious. We
saved us. We woulds be dead
without us.
We don't needs you anymore. Master
protects us now.
Leaves us alone!
Smeagol is punched in the face by a random fist.
Now youses punching? Well takes
a foot smacks Gollum in the face. Then a chair is broken
over Smegols head. Then Gollum is beaten down with a
baseball bat. Smeagol lifts the bat the stops. He looks
around and doesn't see Gollum anywhere.
He's gone, precious. Weses free...
weses free? WESES FREE...
Shut up, goddamn it!
A boot is thrown at Smeagol and knocks him out.


Frodo is resting next to a tree. Spam is looking around the
area. Smeagol comes running up to Frodo carrying two dead
Look, master! Look! I caughts us
some rabbits. Eats them! Eats
them! They are fats. They are
No thanks, Smeagol. I...
Smeagol starts shoving the rabbits down Frodo's throat. Spam
runs up and pulls him off.
You stupid, mangled piece of crap.
You're gonna kill him. There's
only one way to cook a rabbit.
Spam takes the rabbits and puts them on the grill.
Who wants bunny burgers?
NOOOOO! What are you doing to
thems? Stupid, fat, ugly, fat,
annoying, fat hobbit!
My cooking isn't that bad.
Gives us fish, precious. Theyses
Hello? Do you see a river around
here? The last river we were at is
five miles away.
While Spam and Smeagol are arguing, Frodo hears a bird call.
He gets up. Then he hears another bird call. Then he heard a
monkey. Then he hears a lion call. Frodo starts walking
towards the sound of the noises. He walks through a bunch of
bushes. He sees two birds, a monkey and a lion. The lion
jumps on the monkey and eats it. Frodo hears another bird
call and moves towardsthe sound again. He comes out of the
forest to see a canyon with a bunch of Dorks walking through
it. Spam and Smeagol come up behind him.


Mr. Frodo? What's...
Frodo pulls him down and tells him to shush. Smeagol lies
down beside them. They watch the Dorks walk by.
We should get out of here before
they find us. Common.
Wait, Mr. Frodo! Look!
Some Oliphaunts come out from behind some trees. They are
walking down the canyon. One random Dork is stepped on by
the oliphaunt.
                       RETARDED DORK
Aww, this always happens.
My old Gaffer is never going to
beleive this!
Your olds WHAT? Jesus, what the
hell is a Gaffer?
Ya know what, Smeagol? You can
shut the hell up and fall off a
cliff again.
Smeagol runs away, crying. Frodo hears the bird calls again.
Suddenly, a bunch of arrows come out of the bushes and waste
a bunch of Dorks. The arrows fire at the oliphaunts and they
become scared and confused. The driver of one of the
oliphaunts steers towards the Slobbits. Frodo and Spam move
out of the way as he oliphaunt hits a tree and falls over.
The Dork whose driving it is lying on his back on the
ground. He looks up and sees that the oliphaunt is leaking
gas and a small fire starts.
The dork gets up and starts running in slow mo'. The
oliphaunt explodes and the dork goes flying. Spam and Frodo
are watching this from a distance.
Wait, I'm confused...


A pair of hands come out of the bushes behind them and grab
them. They turn around to see some Gondor men aiming at them
with bows and arrows.
Oh, shit.
Well, well, well. What do we have
here? Some Dork spies?
Oh, for god sakes this is starting
to piss me off. We arn't Dorks!
We're Slobbits! Just look, Dork...
Frodo points at the dead Dork that got exploded.
Frodo points at himself.
Frodo points at the same dead Dork.
Frodo points at himself.
One is a race of sick, disgusting
mutant creatures, the other is a
race of sick disgusting MIDGET
mutant creatures with big feet.
Who cares, we're still taking you
Farmer-Mir's men blindfold, gag and bind Frodo and Spam.
They start walking away with the Slobbits prisoner.
oOOo! Kinky!
Oh shut the fuck up, Spam.


Gimly and Eowyn are sitting on two horses next to eachother.
Aragorn is riding a horse in the back.
You know, alot of people haven't
seen any dwarf women. I've never
seen one myself. I think they're
actually just midgets but I'm not
What the hell are you talking
about? We were just talking about
how Legolas never says anything
and you just randomly brought that
Legolas rides up on a horse next to them. He tries to say
something but is cut off by Eowyn.
See? Not a word. Is he mute?
Naa, just stupid.
Legolas punches Gimly in the face and knocks him off his
Oh, thats it. It's on now, pretty
Legolas jumps off his horse and onto Gimly. He kneels on him
and starts punching him in the face. Gimly flips him over
and gets up. While Legolas is getting up, Gimly kicks him in
the face. Legolas takes out Gimly's legs with a roundhouse
kick. Gimly gets up and jumps on Legolas' face. Legolas
tries to get Gimly off but he can't. A crowd gathers around
                       MAN #1
I'm taking bets here!
                       MAN #2
$50 on Legolas!
Man #2 hands Man #1 $50.
                       MAN #1
Thanks, dumb ass!


Man #1 runs away. Man #2 chases after him.
Gimly crawls down Legolas' shirt. Legolas starts punching
himself. A bulge starts pulsing out of Legolas' chest. Gimly
rips out of Legolas' shirt immitating "Alien". Gimly jumps
out and Legolas falls over. Legolas gets up and jumps on
Gimly. They start punching and kicking eachother. A random
Leprechaun jumps into the fight. Finnaly, Aragorn breaks up
the fight.
Alright, stop fighting.
Ay, ya wanna go for another round,
ya wee bastard!?
Bring it on, ya green prick!
Legolas tries to say something but is cut off by Gimly.
Don't think I've forgotten about
you, princess!
That's it! I'm gonna kick all your
asses if ya don't shut up!
Ya want a fight too, don't cha?
Ay, ay. Well tall, dark and
stinky, get ready for the green
The leprechaun jumps on Aragorn and they all get into a
fight. A guy in the crowd punches another guy and everyone
gets into a fight. A random spear is thrown and kills a guy.
Aragorn is sitting on his horse with a cast on his arm.
Eowyn is riding on a horse next to him.
Where did you get that?


Oh, the scar? I got that in 'Nam.
I was in second platoon, 49th
No, that necklace.
Oh, uhh... she was an Elf.
Aragorn is lying down with his head on Arwen's lap.
Ahh... Life is so great. I have a
nice home in Livinhell, a
beautiful wife and I repaid my
college loans. Too bad I have to
go on a suicide mission to Mordor
with 4 midgets, a geezer, a crazy
pedophile, a retarded dwarf and a
transvestite elf.
Before you go, I want to tell you
that I decided to make you the
Evenslar as a tolkin of my love to
The camera goes to Aragorn's view, listening to Arwen.
........I want to...... make
.....love to you.
Arwen hands Aragorn the Evenslar. They have a long kiss. The
crazy guy runs in.
                       CRAZY GUY
My shirt is made of kangaroos!
Arwen and Aragorn kep kissing but are watching the crazy guy
run around. They look pissed.


Can you hold on for a sec'?
The crazy guy is running around them. Aragorn picks up a
baseball bat and brings it up. Just as the crazy guy runs
by, Aragorn smacks him in the face and knocks him out. He
drops the baseball bat and turns to Arwen.
Now, where were we?
Arwen and Aragorn start kissing again. Another bird explodes
in the background.
Aragorn and Eowyn are riding on horses next to eachother.
Where is she now?
Aragorn looks up at the sky.
The friendship are just about to leave on their journey.
Arwen and Aragorn are talking.
Arwen, we knew this relationship
would never work. Your an elf, I'm
a man. You like the New York
Yankees, I like the Boston Red
Socks. You like Pepsi, I like
Coke. This could never work.
Aragorn holds Arwens hand and gives her back the Evenslar.
Arwen hands it back to him.
Keep it. I can give it to whoever
I want and I want you to have it.
Well, I could always use some new
Aragorn opens up his shirt to reveal lots of bling; a clock,
a dollar sign, and a bunch of other random crap. He puts on
the Evenslar.


Aragorn! Get your bony ass out
here and help me saddle up the
I'll see you soon.
Good bye, my love.
Aragorn and Eowyn are riding horses next to eachother...
She's crossing the great sea to
the never dying lands so she can
live in peace for all eternity...
or something like that.
Theres a long scilence. A rock hits the back of Aragorn's
Nice shot, Legolas. I guess I owe
you five bucks.
Two men are looking at Legolas.
                       MAN #1
Hey, isn't that Orlando Bloom?
                       MAN #2
I think it is. I wonder what he
looks like without makeup?
Hes looking at himself in the mirror. He's a hideously
disfigured creature. He picks up a spray can and sprays his
face. He looks like the normal Orlando Bloom.
                       ORLANDO BLOOM
      (Strange, retarded
Okay, thats looks good now. Oops,
I forgot my voicebox.
Orlando Bloom puts a small box onto one of his back teeth.


Orlando Bloom is holding Helen of Troy.
                       ORLANDO BLOOM
You are so beautiful.
Bloom and Helen kiss. They stop kissing and the voice box
falls into Helen's mouth.
                       ORLANDO BLOOM
      (Strange, retarded
I will love you forever and
                       HELEN OF TROY
      (sounding like
       Orlando Bloom)
Cut! I got his voice box in my
Wormtongue and Saruspam are sitting in his room plotting.
Theoden will move his peopel to
Helm's Deep. He beleives they will
be safe inside the strongholds
walls. The only way to defeat them
is to get them before they can get
to Helm's Deep. They will have
women and children. You should
send some ferocious beasts to
attack them.
Hmm... I think I know where to get
Saruspam and Wormtongue come in. Wormtongue trips in the
doorway and hits his head on a desk and passes out. A pool
of blood grows around his head. Saruspam walks over him and
goes inside. He walks up to the counter.
Hello, welcome to Steve's House of
Evil Pets. What can I do for you?


I need to get some evil, ferocious
beast to kill a village of
Well, we have some nice blood
sucking rabbits in stalk.
Naa. I'm looking for something
How 'bout some demonic jackals?
Ooo.. Tempting, but I think I need
something bigger.
Alright, how 'bout some Wargs?
Hmm... What are these "Wargs"?
Evil wolves, of course.
That'll be $12 000.
Saruspam reaches into his pocket.
I see. Let me just check my...
Saruspam throws dirt into the man's eyes. The man screams
and clutches his eyes. Saruspam smacks him in the head with
his staff and knocks him out.
Come, Wormtongue. Let's go around
back and get the Wargs.
Wormtongue lifts his head and looks at Saruspam and passes
out again. Saruspam walks up to him and pokes him with his


The Rohirim and the three other assholes are going to Helm's
Deep. Aragorn is riding on his horse beside an sick old lady
whose walking.
                       OLD LADY
Excuse me, sonny. Can I maby ride
on your horse with you? I've been
walking for two days straight and
I'm awfully tired.
No, fuck you.
Two Rohirim on horses ride up ahead of the group as scouts.
They pass some rocks and start looking around.
                       MAN #1
Oh, man. I havn't craped in two
days. Jesus Christ I have to go.
                       MAN #2
Well, go behind some trees.
                       MAN #1
Hello? Do you have any idea where
we are? For god sakes theres not a
tree for miles! Your not a very
good scout.
                       MAN #2
Well your a jerk.
                       MAN #1
Oh, let's not start this again.
                       MAN #2
Just go behind that rock.
Man #1 goes behind a rock and starts taking a crap (It
doesn't show). A warg and it's Dork rider are watching the
other guy as he sits on his horse and looks around. It jumps
down and lands in front of the rider on the horse.
                       MAN #2
Holey shit!


                       MAN #1
                       MAN #2
Not you, theres an huge, hairy
wolf thing right infront of me!
Man #1 comes out from behind the rocks and sees Man #2
fending off the warg and the Dork on his horse. he has a
piece of toilet paper stuck to his shoe.
                       MAN #2
Little help?
                       MAN #1
I'm coming.
Man #1 takes out his sword and stabs the warg. The warg
falls over and the Dork falls off. Man #2 takes out a spear
and chucks it at the Dork. It gets the Dork in the chest and
kills it. Man #1 gets on his horse and they ride back to the
group. They ride up to Eowyn.
                       MAN #1
Hetres a chnub fo korsd nad graws
Okay, think before you say things.
Breath... okay. What do you want
to tell us?
                       MAN #1
Theres a bunch of Dorks and wargs
coming! Run! Get your pesant asses
in gear!
All the people start screaming and run away.
All riders! We must protect the
people! We must fight the wargs!
Eowyn, I need you to lead the
people to Helm's Deep. GO!
Aragorn rides away on his horse and kocks over the old lady.
As Aragorn rides away, he looks over and sees Eowyn looking
for him. Their eyes meet and Aragorn rides off.
Legolas is on the hill looking out. He sees all the wargs
coming at them. He starts firing arrows at them. One of the
arrows his a warg and it falls over. Another arrow hits the


Dork on a different warg. He fires another and it hits a
warg and knocks it on it's side. Another warg runs into it
and they cause a firey explosion. Car wreck sounds are made
as they hit eachother. The horses come up behind Legolas. He
turns around to try and get onto one but is run over by it.
All the horses by it run over him too. One misses him, turns
around, goes back and runs him over. The riders and the
wargs get into a huge battle. Random fights break out. A
random kid is in the middle of the fight. He throws a rock
at one of the Dorks and knocks him off the warg. Two cowboys
are shooting at eachother from behind some barrles. Arnold
Schwartzenneger is holding up a weak litle Dork and is
punching it in the face.
                       ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER
Augh! Puny creature!! Who is your
daddy and what does he do?
Aragorn is on a horse charging at a Dork on a warg. His
horse turns just before they hit and Aragorn goes flying
off. He lands on the warg and is sitting in front of the
Aragorn punches the Dork in the face.
Is that all you got?
Aragorn punches the Dork in the stomac and the head.
Is that all you got?
Aragorn punches him again.
Is that all you got?
Aragorn punches him again.
      (even woozier)
Is that... Is that all you got?
Aragorn punches him again.
Is... Is that... Is that all... Is
that all you got?


Aragorn punches him again and finnaly knocks him out. The
Dork falls off the warg. Aragorn turns around on the warg to
see it's heading straight for a cliff.
Oh, shit. I hope my insurance
covers this.
The warg tries to stop but falls off the edge. Aragorn has a
random cowboy hat. He takes it off and waves it in the wind
as he falls.
Before he hits, the camera turns to the ending battle.
Theoden takes his sword out of a Dork. It falls to the
ground and dies. Gimly nad Legolas are walking side by side.
Gimly lifts up a dead warg and looks under it. theres a
badly wounded person there.
Gimly puts the warg back down on the badly hurt guy. He
walks towards the cliff.
The Dork Aragorn was fighting is laughing at Gimly.
Whats so damn funny?
Hehehe. That Elf guy is wearing a
Gimly and the Dork look over at Legolas and start laughing.


Hehehe. He is wearing a skirt. Did
you see a man come by here? He's
tall, has stubble and stinks like
Oh yeah. He fell off the cliff.
Gimly runs to the cliff. Legolas and Theoden follow him.
They all stand on the edge of the cliff. Below the cliff
there's a river.
At least now he's taken a bath.
Gimly and Theoden leave. Legolas stays and keeps looking. He
turns around and sees the Evenslar on the ground. He picks
it up, looks at it and runs after Gimly and Theoden.
Eowyn and the people are walking over a hill.
Look! It's Helm's Deep!
All the people start running. The old lady falls over. While
they're running down the hill, a random land mine goes off
and blows up a guy. They run up to the gate. Theres a guy on
top of the wall.
New England Clam Chowder.
The doors open for the people and they walk in. There's
already a bunch of villagers inside. They're all sitting
next to the walls. The camera goes by them one by one. One
of the people is a buffalo. One of the pesants is the crazy
                       CRAZY GUY
I am the lord of Mongolia!
The camera passes him.
The scene cuts to outside the walls as the riders are coming
back from the warg fight. They ride up to the door.


Damn. I always forget this. Uh...
Chimpanzee Spit! No... that was
last month's... Crap! They never
tell me this stuff! Okay. Chicken
Noodle Soup?
Listen here! I am the king of
You may be thie king of Rohan, but
I'm the king at yo mama's house!
You son of a bitch!
Theoden picks up a rock and chucks it at the man. It hits
him in the head and he makes a girlish scream. He falls off
the wall and lands infront of Theoden. The doors open.
Theoden kicks the man in the ribs and walks in. The rest of
the riders come in as well. Eowyn runs up and hugs Theoden.
So few of you have returned. What
Such as?
Very much.
Eowyn runs up to Gimly.
Wheres Aragorn?
...He fell...Literally.


There is a long sad scilence. A bird craps on Gimly's
Saruspam and Wormtongue are sitting in a room, plotting.
DAMN! My wargs almost killed all
those bastards! I would've gotten
away with it if it wern't for
those meddling Rohirim.
Yes, master.
now what we need is something that
can break through their walls. But
WHAT? I know!
Saruspam walks towards the center of the room. He uses his
powers and a bunch of pieces of metal form togethor to make
a bomb. Wormtongue walks up to the bomb and looks intot he
holw in the top where Saruspam is pouring gun powder into.
Wormtongue is holding a candle.
What sort of devilry is this, my
lord? What could rock and ash
create that could break the great
Wormtongue puts the flame near the gun powder. Saruspam
looks over and sees Wormtongue poking the gun powder with
the candle.
No you dumb ass!
The scene cuts to outside Isenguard. A big explosion breaks
out on the side of the tower. The scene cuts back to
Saruspam and Wormtongue. They are both black and charred.
Wormtongue coughs up black smoke.
Well, I guess I'll have to use
this huge invasion force to take
Helm's Deep.
Saruspam and Wormtongue look outside to see thousands of
Dorks in groups wating outside to attack Helm's Deep.


Alright all you Dorks! Go to
Helm's Deep and kill everyone in
All the Dorks cheer. They start marching out of Isenguard.
When they all leave, a random Dork comes out of the bathroom
to realize he is all alone. There's a piece of toilet paper
on his shoe.
                       RETARDED DORK
Hello? HELLO? Oh for god sakes it
doesn't stink that bad.
Aragorn washes up on a shore. A bright light surrounds him.
Arwen comes down from the sky and kisses Aragorn on the
lips. She slaps him in the face.
Aragorn wakes up. Arwen dissapears. He looks over and sees
his horse looking at him.
Hey! Horse! Come here!
The horse looks at him and farts. Aragorn gets up and gets
on the horse. He rides away on it.
Arwen is sitting in her room. Elrond walks in and stands
next to her.
Father, I have decided. I will
stay here and support Aragorn.
I see. But I must first tell you
the horrifying truth... Arwen?
Arwen is reading a Cozmo Girl magazine and is listening to
some music on an I-Pod. Elrond grabbs them and throws them


I don't care if you want to hear
it or not you have to listen.
Wheather by the sword or time,
Aragorn will eventually die.
Arwen is standing over the body of and old Aragorn. She is
crying. All the people are walking by looking sad. The scene
changes and Aragorn is a statue. Arwen is still standing
And what if everything you want
comes true and evil is vanquished
forever? Then what? Will you just
live forever watching all your
loved ones die?
Arwen is walking through an empty forest and looks really
And for the rest of time, your
life will be filled with shadow.
The scene cuts back to Livinhell. Arwen is crying.
Now do you see? There is nothing
left here for us. You must go on
the boats and cross the sea to the
never dying lands.
No. I will still stay here mand
support Aragorn.
Goddamn it Arwen, you get on that
I hate you!
Arwen runs upstairs crying. Elrond is looking up at the
ceiling and Arwen is playing very loud music. Elrond grabs a
broom and starts tapping on the ceiling with it.
Arwen! Turn that crap down! You
call that music?


Elrond walks out and goes into his room and looks out the
window. Galadriel's voice is in Elrond's head.
Elrond... You know you shouldn't
have said that. You know how this
will end. You also know what the
quest will do to Frodo. The quest
will claim his life and all you
can do is sit on your ass watching
yourself in "The Matrix".
Elrond looks over and sees his TV is on and "The Matrix" is
playing. Elrond puts his head down in shame and looks out
the window again. The scene cuts toGaladriel looking out her
And what do we do about the men?
In this whole damn movie, only one
Elf is acctually TRYING to save
Middle Earth. The rest are
watching it like a sit-com.
Galadriel looks behind herself and sees three Elves watching
a TV. A big battle between some men and Dorks is happening.
It is a gruesome, bloody battle. The Elves start laughing
everytime someone dies.
                       ELF #1
Hey, pass the popcorn.
                       ELF #2
No, get your own.
The two Elves get in a slapping fight.
Hey! Shut up back there!
Galadriel looks out the window again. The scene cuts to
Elrond looking out his window again. The camera starts
moving into Elronds face.
So what do we do about them? Do we
let them die? Do we let them stand
Long pause.


Spam and Frodo are sitting on the ground; blindfolded and
bound. There are a bunch of men walking around in the
background. Two of them take the blindfolds off the
Slobbits. Farmer-Mir walks up to the Slobbits.
Now we'll get some answers. Who
are you?
I am Frodo Baggins and this is
Spam Gamgee.
Who are you, his bodyguard?
His love slave.
Frodo smacks Spam in the head.
What was that strange mangled
creature we saw you with?
Who, Gollum?
Frodo smacks Spam in the head again.
I didn't see a mangled creature
with us. Unless Michael Jackson is
following us again.
They look over outside the cave. Michael Jackson is behind a
rock, hiding. Osama Bin Ladden pokes his head out aswell.
                       OSAMA BIN LADDEN
Did they see us?
The Slobbits and Farmer-Mir look back at eachother.
Do you have any weed?
All the men look at the Slobbits with hope in their eyes.


All the men look disapointed.
What are you doing near Mordor?
We're on vacation. Club Med was
filled up.
Frodo smacks Spam in the head again.
We left from Livinhell with nine.
Two other Slobbits, a wizard, an
Elf, a Dwarf and two men; Aragorn
son of some guy and Boromir son of
another guy.
Farmer-Mir looks shocked.
Then you will be sad to hear
Boromir is dead.
Dead? Oh my god. How?
He was killed by Dorks in a
Theres a long pause.
He was my brother.
You don't look like him.
He got the looks.
Theres a long pause.
All right. Take them to the
We don't have a dungeon.
What do we have?


A wine cellar.
The Slobbits smile.
Take them to the wine cellar!
The Slobbits smile as they are taken away.
The scene cuts to Farmer-Mir and some old guy looking at a
The Dorks are preparing an
invasion point outside
Osgilliath.. It has already been
evacuated and our soldiers have
taken strategic points here and
here, though they may need
reinforcements in the next few
Hmm... I see.
More Dorks are coming out of
Mordor from the black gates. In
one week, they wil be in
Osgilliath and the city will be
taken and then they will try to
take Minas Tirith.
Hmm... Okay.
You're not even listening, are
Didn't hear a word.
The man sighs.
Frodo and Spam are sooooooooo freakin' drunk. They're both
lying on the ground with empty bottles of wine lying around


Oh man. It's so quiet in here. I
could drop... drop a pin and we
could hear it.
I know. I mean, jeez. What year is
this bottle?
      (picking up the
Theres no number like that.
The door opens and a guy walks in.
How'd you get in here?
The door was unlocked.
Frodo and Spam look at eachother and start laughing.
Hey, is there any good alcohol in
Not anymore.
Ya know what, Spam? You're drunk.
Gimme your car keys.
What car keyes? Oh, you mean these
Spam takes out some car keys.
Hey you little bastard! Those are
What kinda car?
Mesadese Benz.


Bull shit.
Fine. It's a Pinto.
Spam and Frodo start laughing. The man leaves and Farmer-Mir
comes in.
You (Frodo). Come with me.
No, I don't wanna go.
Farmer-Mir picks him up and brings him out. The scene cuts
to outside the cave. Frodo is walking behind Farmer-Mir.
Farmer-Mir moves ahead and along a cliff wall. He stops,
looks down, and points. He looks up and Frodo and signals
him to come here. Frodo walks up to the edge and looks down.
Smeagol is swimming under a waterfall. He comes out with a
Entering the forbidden pool bears
a penalty of death.
Because that's where Helga gives
me a sponge bath.
Frodo looks behind himself. He sees this creepy, fat
romainian chick with a mole waving at him with a sponge.
Frodo does his stare thing.
I have my snipers ready. Shall I
he camera cuts to a bunch of guys aiming their arrows at
Smeagol. One of the snipers has a real sniper riffle. The
camera cuts down to Smeagol whacking the fish on a rock and
singing. The fish flips out of his hands and flips away. A
bullet goes through the fishes head. Smeagol picks it up and
starts eating it. The sniper mouths the words "Son of a
bitch! I missed". Farmer-Mir raises his hand. Frodo keeps
looking down.


Wait! He's our guide. I'll get
The scene cuts to the forbidden pool. Smeagol is eating the
fish. He stops, moves his tongue around in his mouth and
spits out a bullet. Frodo comes out from behind some bushes.
Hey Smeagol! Common we're going!
We don'ts wants to go! We wants to
eat our fishes.
Get your ass over here Smeagol!
Aw, screw this.
Frodo picks up a rock and hurls it at Smeagol's head. The
blow knocks out Smeagol. A bunch of men come over and pick
up Smeagol. The scene cuts to inside the cave. The men throw
Smeagol into a corner. Smeagol curls into a corner and
starts crying. Farmer-Mir walks up.
Smeagol? Why are you crying,
Nasty master throws a rockses at
I tolds you he was tricksy. I told
you he was false.
What do you mean, tricksy? He
throws a rock at us!
Filthy, little theives! They
stoles it from us!
What? What did they steal from


A man hits Gollum in the head with a golf club.
Why did you do that?
I dunno. It was funny.
Hehe. Ya, I guess it was.
The scene cuts to the wine cellar. Frodo is back in the wine
cellar with Spam.
So ya got him right in the head?
HA! That stupid little bastard!
Frodo and Spam start laughing. Farmer-Mir comes in the door
with his sword out. He points the sword at Frodo and pulls
the one ring out of Frodo's shirt with the sword. Frodo
pushes the sword away.
Don't you point that thing at me!
Jeez, I thought I would only have
to say that to Spam.
I now have in my possesion the one
No, not just the one ring. The one
Frodo and Spam start laughing.
I could use this as a wepon
against Mordor. Gondor will be the
most powerful country in the


Ya, sure, you're gonna beat the
U.S., who has like 2600 nukes,
with a ring? Good luck! Besides,
we have to go destroy this ring so
we'll just be leaving now. See ya
Farmer-Mir blocks them from getting out.
I don't think so.
A man comes running up to Farmer-Mir.
Osgilliath is under attack. They
need backup.
Farmer-Mir thinks for a couple seconds.
The ring will come to Osgilliath.
Sweet! Road trip! Shotty not the
desegnated driver!
Spam chugs the last of some wine and passes out.
Aragorn is riding on his horse. He looks tired. He's riding
through a bunch of different fields. He comes over a hill
and sees a massive army of Dorks heading for Helm's Deep.
Hmm... There's something bad
here... But I'm too tired to
realize what. Hmm... I know! That
rock looks like Abe Lincon! That's
it! Hehehe... No, no it isn't... I
know! It's that huge army of blood
thirsty Dorks heading straight for
Helm's Deep! Naa... I know! It's
that a pile of dog shit is infront
of me but there's no dog! That's
Aragorn starts riding fast towards Helm's Deep. He reaches
it and stands at the gate.


What's the password?
Screw you! Let me in!
WRONG! Piss off!
Let me in you bastard!
NO! You need to know the password!
Aragorn picks up a rock and hurls it at the guy on the wall.
The man is hit in the head and falls off.
Not again!
The man falls on the ground in front of Aragorn. Aragorn
kicks him in the ribs. He rides in and goes up to the main
building. He jumps off his horse and walks up to the
buliding. As he's walking up the stairs, he trips and falls
on his face. He get's back up and keeps walking. Eowyn is
talking to another girl. She turns around and sees Aragorn
walking up to the main buliding. She starts running towards
him but stops when Legolas is standing in front of the door
and Aragorn starts talking to him. Legolas tries to say
something but is cut off by Aragorn.
Noo need to tell me, Legolas. I
know your mom's sexy.
Legolas looks pissed. He gives Aragorn the Evenslar. Aragorn
looks down at it. He looks up at Legolas. They have a hug.
Legolas tries to breath through his nose but starts gagging.
Eowyn looks over and turns back to talking to the girl.
Aragorn walks through a pair of big doors. Theoden is
sitting on his throne, talking on the phone. Aragorn runs up
to him.
My lord! A large army of Dorks is
Theoden gives him the sign of shut the hell up. Ya know, the
one where you wave your hand at the guy in a violent


Yep... No, I already told you I
want pepperoni pizza... I don't
care if you don't sell pizza! I
want a pepperoni pizza with extra
cheese!... Good.
Theoden hangs up.
Now, what were you going to say?
The phone rings again. Theoden picks it up.
Hello?... Yeah, John, I already
ordered the pizza...
Aragorn looks pissed.
Merry and Pippin are riding on Treebutt.
Treebutt, we need to go help our
friends. Do you know anyone who
can help us?
      (Italian Mobster
Well, theres a couple-a guys who
can help ya. We're pretty close to
'em, too. There, that rock over
there is where we'll meet.
Treebutt walks up to a rock in the middle of a clearing.
      (Italian Mobster
Hey! Georgeo! Pico! Vinny! Get ova
Three Ents come out of the woods into the clearing.


      (Italian Mobster
Hey! Treebutt! What cha doin'?
Man, I was with ma lady! Dis had
better be good.
      (Italian Mobster
Yeah. I was taking a snooz. What's
      (Italian Mobster
These two guys say deys need help
savin' deys compadres.
It'll be easier if we speak in our
own language 'ere, ay?
Se lei può capire che dico, poi
lei può parlare l'italiano.
(If you can understand what I'm
saying, then you can speak
Odio il francese, dovrebbero tutte
il mangia le scorreggie.
(I hate the french, we would all
have to eat the scorregie.)
Ho guidato la mia casa a
(I drove my house to Newfoundland)
Sono l'un che ha girato i gatti ed
i cani contro l'un l'altro.
(I am the one that turned cats and
dogs against each other)
Pippin, I didn't know you spoke
I don't.


All the villagers are walking into the caves.
All villagers, into the caves! All
men who can wield a sword, report
to the armory! This song is going
out to Jessica from Chuck.
The song: "I Just Called to Say I Love You" by Stevie Wonder
starts playing on a random intercom. A guy tries to not go
into the caves. A guard shocks him with a caddle prod. They
all move into the caves. The scene keeps cutting to
different soldiers taking away men to serve as soldiers. Two
of the soldiers are taking away the crazy guy.
                       CRAZY GUY
I killed J.F.K. with a felt pen!
The two soldiers stop and look at eachother. They throw the
crazy guy back.
The scene cuts to the armory where Aragorn, Gimly and
Legolas are getting wepons with a bunch of other men. Arnold
Schwartzenegger is looking at all the wepons. He decides to
take a big freakin' gun out of the pile. He smiles as he
takes it.
Aww, he took the good one.
The scene cuts to Theoden in his chamber with his guard
standing behind him.
Hamling, was I a good king?
The camera focuses on the man's face.
FLASH BACK: Theoden is standing in front of a group of
People of Edoras! I have a royal
decree! You all suck! I have sold
your children to the chinese for
slave labour!
Yes, sir. The best there was.


Did I treat the villagers fairly?
Theoden is standing in the street. He's pushing over a
random guy and laughing at him.
Sire, I swear, I'll pay my taxes
when I have the money! I'm so
Oh, this isn't about the money...
Theoden puts his hand out of the camera view and comes back
out with a baseball bat. He prings up the bat as if to swing
...But now it is.
Theoden swings the bat. End of FLASH BACK.
Yes, sir, my liege.
Hamling, get my armour. *Sigh*
It's so sad that these dreadful
days should be ours.
Theoden looks up away from the camera dramatically. The man
comes back with Theoden's armour and begins putting it on.
Where is the horse and the rider?
Where are the brave who we've
taken for granted? And where's my
damn coffee? NATHAN!
A whimpy stage hand comes into the scene.
                       NATHAN THE STAGE HAND
      (In wimpy voice)
Yes, sir. I have your coffee here.
Theoden takes a sip of coffee and spit it out.
Goddamn it, Nahtan! I asked for a
triple thick mocha latte!


                       NATHAN THE STAGE HAND
I'm sorry sir! I swear I didn't
mean to.
Theoden flips the coffee out of Nathan's hands. The coffee
lands on Nathan and severly burns him. Nathan screams in
pain and runs out.
A horn suddenly sounds outside. Theoden and the man look at
where the sound is coming from. The scene cuts to Aragorn,
Gimly and Legolas. Legolas and Gimly are fighting. They stop
and look up at where the sound is coming from.
That's no Dorkish horn...
Aragorn, Gimly and Legolas run out of the room and run onto
the wall and look down. Theoden appears next to them.
Whoah! How'd you get here?
I'm very very sneaky, sir.
Adam Sandler comes into the scene.
                       ADAM SANDLER
Hey! You stole my joke!
Peter Jackson comes into the scene with a shotgun and a
hotdog in his mouth. He shoots Adam Sandler.
                       PETER JACKSON
Get out of my movie, ass hole!
Aragorn looks down at the gate and looks happy.
Open the gate! NOW!
Aragorn boots it down the stairs and to the gate. The horn
outside is flaring. He opens the gate. A nerdy teenaged
pizza boy is standing there holding a pizza and blowing a
horn. He keeps bowing it in Aragorn's face. Aragorn shoves a
rock into the horn. The horn makes a wierd sound and the
pizza boy chockes on the air. He drops the horn and looks at
      (In wimpy voice)
Delivery for Mr. Theoden.


Ya, I'm Mr. Theoden.
                       PIZZA BOY
That'll be $10.99.
Uh, hang on. I think I have some
money inside.
Aragorn walks inside and closes the gate. You can hear a
locking sound from inside.
                       PIZZA BOY
Aww. Why do they always do that
Theoden walks up to Aragorn who's holding the pizza
greedily. Aragorn looks up at Theoden and puts the pizza
behind his back.
Who was that?
There's a knock at the door.
Let me get that.
Aragorn takes out his sword. He walks to the door and opens
it. That Elf guy (I forgot his name.... Haldir! That's it)
and an army of Elves are standing there.
Hello, Aragorn.
What do you want?
We have come to help you fight the
war. Can you let us in?
Okay... but promise not to track
in mud. It took me three hours to
get rid of the mud last time.


I promise NOTHING!
Okay, come in anyway.
All the Elves walk in. They stop in front of Theoden and
turn as one. They all have these big friggin' bows. One of
the Elves is Prince. Prince grabs the ass of the Elf next to
him. The Elf's eyes widen and he looks over at Prince.
Theoden walks down the steps and looks around at the army of
Meh. It'll do.
The scene cuts to later that night. All the warriors are
standing on the wall. They are watching as the Dorks
approach. The scene cuts to the cave. All the people look
scared. The scene cuts back to the wall. The camera is going
past all the Elves. It goes past the bufallo again. Prince
is standing next to Aragorn. Prince grabs Aragorn's ass and
Aragorn flips him off the wall. The camera keeps going.
The scene cuts to the Dorks who are approaching Helm's Deep.
One of the Dorks is squinting to look at the people on the
wall. He nudges the Dork beside him.
Hey, Jeff, I think that guy is
looking at me.
The camera cuts to the Dork's view and the guy whos looking
at him. The camera cuts back.
                       DORK #2
Oh yeah... I see him.
What do you think he's thinking?
The scene cuts to the guy who's staring at the Dork. He's
just blankly staring at the Dork.
Jeez, I havn't had peanut butter
in a long time.
The Dorks get close to the wall and stop. One of the Dorks
falls over and gets back up. Aragorn starts walking up and
down the lines of Men and Elves.


Show no mercy! You shall recieve
none! Give them the most painful
death you can deliver!
All the men and Elves go "Hou-Rah!" (like the marine corps).
A Dork is walking along the frontline of Dorks.
Destroy them all! Leave none
alive! We will hollow their skulls
and drink their blood from them!
All the Dorks let out a big grunt.
A random little league soccer team is standing on the edge
of the battle field. The coach is walking infront of them.
                       SOCCER COACH
Alright, kids! We're going to do
our best and have some fun!
All the kids cheer.
All the Elves and Men take out an arrow from their quiver
and put it next to their bow.
The Elves and Men pull back their bow with the arrow on it.
Aragorn raises his sword.
The scene cuts to a fat guy sitting on his couch watching
"The Lord Of The Things: The Two Hours Of Footage That You
Don't Want To Watch But... this movie".
                       FAT GUY
OH I GET IT! There as an Albino
Black Rider. But he's called a
black rider, which means he's
black, but he's albino so that
means he's white! Oh my god! That
is so funny!
The scene cuts back to Helm's Deep.
Aragorn swings down his sword. The Dorks run at Helm's Deep.


A barrage of arrows come down on the Dorks. The whole front
row of them go down at once. Some of them reach the wall and
start bringing up latters. There's one big Dork on each of
the latters. The latters start going up and the first one
hits the wall. The Dork jumps off the latter. One of the men
drive a spear right through it as it comes down. They push
the latter over and it falls back down on a bunch of Dorks.
Another latter goes up and the Dork jumps off. He slashes
the Elf in front of him and kills him. Another Elf kicks the
Dork in the crotch. The Dork falls off the wall and lands on
a little tiny Dork. Gimly is fighting aDork on the wall. He
cuts it's chest with a hatchet and kills it. Legolas runs up
to Gimly and takes out his knife. He stabs just above
Gimly's head. There's a Dork right behind Gimly and it dies
from the stabbing.
The bloody battle continues with the camera going past
random battles. A clown runs into the scene and starts
honking his horn and dancing. He gets his head cut off by a
man. Arnold Schwartzenneger is standing in a corner with two
ingrams. He's shooting at a bunch of Dorks that are heading
towards him.
                       ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER
Augh! You son of a bitch!
Aragorn is on a flight of stairs and above him, a bunch of
Dorks are coming down. He's cutting at them and killing
them. He ducks down and flips a Dork over his head and down
a flight of stairs. Some random Dork comes out of a hole
under the wall.
Hey look! I found a way in! Cool!
The Dirk that fell down the stairs lands on the Dork who dug
through and kills them both.
Theoden is standing on the highest point in Helm's Deep
(what a pussy). He's watching the battle go on. The camera
is showing Theoden and some guy behind him.
This is boring. Where's my clown?
The guy looks down at the wall and sees the clown's body.
*Cough* Umm... I'm not sure sir.


Theoden puts his head down in sadness.
The Ents are still talking... bitch. Merry and Pippin are
sitting next to a tree. Pippin is playing a Game Boy. The
sound of some one losing a game comes from the game boy.
I think Mario wants to fall down
those holes.
This is taking forever. If we wait
any longer, they're all going to
Merry walks up to Treebutt who's stil talking with the other
Amo il pollo, amo la miscela di
miscela di meow di meow di fegato
consegna per favore.
(I love chicken, I love liver,
meow mix, meow mix please deliver)
Il Pico è un tricheco grasso che
ama mangiare le lingue di girraf.
(Pico is a fat Walrus who like to
eat the tongues of Girraffes.)
Il mio criceto odora come una
capra decapitato.
(My hamster smells like a
decapitaded goat)
Treebutt, you need to decide now!
Our friends are in danger!
Aren't we your friends?
Shut up and decide!
You must realise, master Merry. To
speak Italian you need to


                       TREEBUTT (cont'd)
pronounciate, and that takes a
very very wong time.
You mean "wrong time"?
Well... uhh... Shut up and wait,
this is going to take a little
while longer.
Merry sighs and walks back to the tree and sits down. Pippin
is gone.
Pippin falls out of a tree and lands on his neck. He rolls
over and picks up his game boy. It's broken in half.
Son of a bitch.
The camera moves up to the trees.
                       TREE #1
Ha! Nice one, Jim. I think ya
smacked him up a bit too much.
                       TREE #2
Naa. He was retarded before I
picked him up.
The battle of Helm's Deep continues. The camera goes past a
bunch of random battles. Chewbacca is in the middle of it
for some reason. He lets out a big Wookie yell thing that he
does in Star Wars. Theoden is looking down at the crowd of
Dorks around the wall. The Dorks bring up three big catapult
thingies that shoot hooks. They fire them at the wall and
they attach. Three big latters covered in Dorks are hoised
up to the wall. They pour on to the wall and start attacking
people. Legolas kills three of them and fires an arrow at
one of the chains on the latter. The latter starts falling
backwards. The Dorks start screaming in terror.
Who would have though a chain as
thick as a twig was supporting
this 10 tonne laaaaaatteeeeeerrrr?


The latter hits and kills all the Dorks underneath it.
Theoden is still looking out at the crowd of Dorks. He sees
a path being made and one Dork holding a button in his hand.
The Dork is running straight towards the wall.
The "Chariots of Fire" music starts playing. The Dork is
running and rips off his shirt. 30 pounds of C-4 is attached
to his body. Aragorn sees the Dork running at the wall.
Legolas! Take him down!
Legolas looks at the Dork who's running at the wall. He
flips a different Dork down to the ground. The kamakazi Dork
jumps over him. Legolas starts tossing Dorks over the wall
and in front of the kamakazi one. The kamakazi Dork jumps
over all the Dorks. He jumps at the wall and presses the
The Dork explodes and blows up the wall. Aragorn is on top
of the wall and goes flying off, as do 4 other men and Elves
and 7 Dorks. One of the Dorks flies into the crowd of Dorks.
I regret nothiiiinnnngggg!
The Dorks start swarming around the hole in the wall. They
all start running in. Aragorn comes out of a puddle on the
side of the wall that the Dorks are heading at. He looks up
and sees the Dorks heading straight for him. Aragorn puts
his hands up in front of his face (palms facing the Dorks)
and screams like a little girl. As the Dorks are about to
cut Aragorn. Gimly jumps down and decapitates them. He
starts hacking away at the Dorks that are coming for them.
Aragorn gets up. He looks behind himself and sees the Elves
standing behind him with their bows out.
Gimly! Duck!
Duck down!
There's no duck down there.
Get your head down you dumb ass!


Gimly ducks (I mean that he puts his head down, not the type
of bird in the joke that we just implied). A barrage of
arrows flies over them and hits the Dorks. The first four
rows of Dorks that came through drop dead. Aragorn gets back
up and picks up his sword. Gimly gets up and picks up his
axe. A pimp gets up and picks up a Smith and Wesson 10mm.
The Elves drop their bows and take out these big friggin'
swords. The pimp cocks his gun (hehe, cocks).
      (sounds like Snoop)
Let's get it on, bitch.
All the Elves, Gimly, Aragorn and the pimp run at the Dorks.
The pimp starts shooting off the Smith and Wesson. They get
into the big fight.
The scene cuts to Haldir and Legolas fighting side by side.
They are fighting back a hord of Dorks.
Brother, if I die today promise me
one thing.
Legolas tries to say something but is cut off by Haldir.
Make sure your mom comes to my
funeral. She's damn hot.
Legolas looks pissed. He jumps away and stabs a Dork next to
the stairs. He jumps on the Dorks shield and rides it down
the stairs. He starts shooting arrows at the Dorks. He slips
off the shield and falls down the stairs. The shield goes
flying and it slices off the heads of a row of Dorks.
Legolas falls 10 feet off the stairs and lands in the mud.
One retarded Dork is standing next to him. It points and
laughs at Legolas.
                       RETARDED DORK
fell off the stairs! (breath)
Legolas stabs the Dork.


Merry and Pippin are sitting next to the same tree. Pippin
is lying on his stomac. He has his palm on the ground and
his fingers spread. He has a knife in the other hand. He
tries to stab the knife between his fingers but stabs his
figers repeatedly.
The camera cuts to Treebutt and the other Ents talking.
      (Italian Mobster
Chi ha messo i biscotti nel vaso
di biscotto? Non me. Poi chi?
(Who put the cookies in the cookie
jar? Not me. Then who?)
      (Italian Mobster
Questo film intero fa nessuno
senso e tutti che è guardato è
diventato leggeramente più
(This who film makes no sense and
all that is made fun of makes it
even more stupid.)
Treebutt walks up to the Slobbits. Both Merry and Pippin get
Us Ents here, we just decided.
There's nothing in it for us, ya
know? So, no dice.
How can you say that? You're part
of this world! If you don't help
us, then you are no better than
the Dorks!
Maby, but we still needs to get
paid. Don't worry, my midget
compadres. I'll bring ya home. We
leave in 15 minutes. I'm sorry.
Merry and Pippin look sad.


Are we going on another road trip?
Yes, Pip. The last one we'll ever
There's a long scilence.
YAY! Road trip! I need to pack my
The battle continues. Random battles are still happening.
The camera shows a bunch of Dorks heading straight for the
door. They have their shields on their backs. The men start
throwing rocks but it doesn't do anything. Theoden sees them
Aragorn looks over and sees the Dorks heading towards the
door. He yells. The Elves look at him and he points to the
Dorks and mouths the words "shoot them" (because it's too
loud for the Elves delicate ears to hear Aragorn. The Elves
shrug. Aragorn points at the Dorks and mouths "shoot them"
again. The Elves look at eachother and shrug. Aragorn slaps
his palm on his face. He puts three of his fingers up. He
makes the sign for "first word".
                       ELF #1
Okay first word...
Aragorn makes the sign of shooting off a bow.
                       ELF #1
...Bow? Bow and arrow?
                       ELF #2
No, no. It's pull stupid, pull.
                       ELF #1
How 'bout shoot?
                       ELF #2
Okay. (yelling) Aragorn, is it


Aragorn nods his head. Then he makes the sign for second
                       ELF #2
Okay, second word...
Aragorn puts his shoulders up against the sides of his head.
He puts his jaw and the teeth on his jaw in front of his top
teeth and makes a mean face.
                       ELF #1
Beast? Monster?
                       ELF #2
Umm... Rubben Studdard?
                       ELF #1
Dork? Is it Dork?
Aragorn nods his head. He makes the sign for Third word.
                       ELF #1
Okay last word...
Aragorn makes the sign of opening a door.
                       ELF #1
                       ELF #2
How the hell is that box, you dumb
                       ELF #1
It could be box. What do you know?
You're the one who dropped out of
the fifth grade.
                       ELF #2
Shut up!
Elf #2 pushes Elf #1.
                       ELF #1
You shut up!
Elf #1 pushes Elf #2. The two Elves get in a fight. The
other Elves standing around them start cheering. Meanwhile,
the battle is still being fough behind them. Aragorn takes
out his own bow and shoots at the Dorks at the door. The
arrow hits the lead Dork in the head. The Elves look over.


                       ELF #1
OoooOOOOOooooo. That's what he
The Elves take out their bows and start shooting at the
Dorks. They kill a bunch of them but they already get to the
door and start ramming it. They pick up one of the Dorks and
use him as a bashing device. They smash his face against the
door and it does nothing. The password guy sticks his head
out from the top of the wall. He has two bandages on his
Umm... Cheeze Wiz?
Yes, sir.
That Dork starts walking away. He puts his head down in
shame. The other Dorks continue to attack the door.Theoden
looks over at Aragorn.
Aragorn! Retreat! Get out of
Aragorn looks over at Haldir.
Haldir! Get out of there!
Haldir turns around to look at Aragorn. A Dork comes up
behind him and cuts him down the back. Haldir turns around
and cuts the Dork in half. Another Dork comes up behind
Haldir and stabs him through the back. Haldir turns around
and cuts the Dorks head off. Another Dork cuts off Haldir's
left arm. Haldir turn's around and kills the Dork. Aragorn
is watching this.
Oh, not this again.
Another Dork comes up in front of Haldir and cuts off his


Aragorn, Legolas, Gimly and the other men and Elves boot it
inside. Theoden and a bunch of other men are putting more
wood against the door. Aragorn runs up. A man comes up
behind him with a 2X4. He puts it next to the door.
Aragorn, I need you to buy us some
time. Get out there and kill more
Aragorn and Gimly walk down a hallway and see two doors.
They open the first door. They end up on the set of a porno
movie. A girl is sitting on the couch and a UPS guy is
standing above her (they still have clothes on).
                       PORN GIRL
What cha got for me today, stud? A
BIG package, maby?
                       UPS GUY
Oh, yeah. This package is huge.
The UPS guy undoes the top button of his shirt.
Sorry. Wrong set. Common, Gimly.
Gimly is wearing 3D glasses.
Shh! I want to see how this ends.
Aragorn grabs Gimly and takes him too the second door. They
open it and end up outside. They turn a corner and see all
the Dorks trying to bust through the door.
Damn, that's a long jump.
Really?...*sigh*... Toss me.
I can't jump the distance you'll
have to toss me.
Aragorn starts laughing.


Just do it, ya bastard.
Aragorn picks up Gimly and tosses him accross (hehe, Dwarf
tossing. That's funny). Gimly land on 3 of them and the
Dorks fall off the side. Gimly starts hacking away at the
Dorks that are coming towards the door. Aragorn jumps
accross and lands at the door. They both start fighting the
Dorks as they come. Theoden and the men are putting up
boards along the door to strengthen it.
Aragorn! Get out of there!
I dunno. That's not my job.
Theoden puts the last piece of wood on the door.
I really, really, REALLY hate that
son of a bitch.
A rope is lowered just behind Aragorn and Gimly. Aragorn
looks at it and looks up. Legolas and another two men are
holding the other end of the rope. Aragorn grabs on and
Gimly grabs onto Aragorn's leg. Kirstie Alley grabs onto
Aragorn's other leg. He looks like he's in pain and I don't
blame him, would you like it if a whale woman was hanging
onto your leg? Aragorn kicks her off. Legolas and the other
two men hoist them up. When they get to the top, the men and
Legolas look tired.
Christ, you guys have to lose some
Shut up.
Common guys, we need to get out of
here. They'll break through that
door at any time! Let's go.
Aragorn, Gimly, the men and the transvestite Elf all start


running to the interior of Helm's Deep. The camera shows
from inside the door. The door is broken down and the Dorks
come through. One of the Dorks trips and is trampled. They
all run up the long road to the door to the interior of
Helm's Deep. The Dorks reach the door and stop. There's a
sign on the door that says "Do not disturb. That means you,
Dorks!". The Dorks look disapointed.
Merry and Pippin are sitting on Treebutt. Treebutt is
walking along. Pippin looks sad but then looks up and seems
Wait! Turn around! We need to go
      (Italian Mobster
SOUTH!? But that would lead yous
past... Isenguard.
Pippin, I knew you were retarded,
but for god sakes even a monkey
whose head has been smashed in
knows that that's stupid.
But Isenguard is empty, right?
Then we can sneak past unoticed!
Pippin, are such an idiot! The
Shire is north! So if we go south,
then we'll be going away from it!
God, you are such a dumb ass!


      (whispering to
But if we go south, Treebutt will
see the dead trees and will go
crazy and help us.
Pippin, you're scaring me. Why are
you smart all of a sudden?
I can't read so I don't get
Alphabet soup.
Never mind.
Aight, Slobbits. We're going
south. But be careful, in the
south deys de natives. They don't
like you walking on their land. K?
Treebutt starts walking south. He walks past a bunch of
natives. They are glaring at the Slobbits. Pippin is
drinking a can of Pepsi. He throws the can on the ground.
One of the natives picks it up and a tear comes down his
These natives have such respect
for the land.
                       NATIVE GUY
He didn't leave any for me.
The native guy starts crying hard and another native guy
hugs him and pats him on the back.
Frodo and Spam are being led by the men and Farmer-Mir to
Osgiliath (some crappy city thats about to get exploded).
Frodo stops and looks up at Farmer-Mir.
If you bring us here and the ring
is taken then the world is doomed.
The only good part will be that
there'll be no more Mary Kate and
Ashley movies.


(of course, we know that the world won't end in their
lifetime and that Mary Kate and Ashley will continue to make
crappy movies, only the new crappy movies will be pornos)
Enough of your lies, Slobbit!
We'll take you were we want!
Hehe. Ya know it's funny. You
scream my name just like that in
my dreams.
The men and Frodo stop and look at Spam. Spam looks around
at them.
Umm... Psyke?
The men look at eachother and shrug. They continue walking.
Ya know what really doesn't make
sense? Why didn't they just kill
us and take the ring instead of
taking us with them? I mean, it's
just so
The scene cuts to the inside of Osgiliath. The men are
leading the Slobbits through a war zone. They are walking
casually as a bunch of men are shooting at Dorks who are
shooting back at them with big stones. One of the stones
takes out the man in front of Frodo and Spam. The man is
crippled and bleeding on the ground.
Holey shit! Are you okay?
Keep moving Slobbits.
The men and the Slobbits continue on and walk up to a
general guy. The camera goes behind the general guy and
three jet fighters fly over him and drop napalm on an army
of Dorks.
                       GENERAL GUY
I love the smell of napalm in the


A man walks up to the general holding a hotdog.
Here's you hotdog, sir.
                       GENERAL GUY
I love the smell of hotdogs in the
The general guy starts eating the hotdog.
Sir, I have captured these two
Slobbits. With them, a wepon of
great power that will help us win
this war.
                       GENERAL GUY
Really? We'll I hope it does, cuz
our army really sucks.
The camera cuts to two men who are shooting at some Dorks.
An arrow flies past one of them.
                       MAN #1
      (with lisp)
Oh my god! He almost hit me!
What's his problem? Jeez, what did
I do to him!?
                       MAN #2
      (with lisp)
Oh my god! That's just soo mean!
Aww, are you okay, sweetums?
                       MAN #1
I'm okay, but I could use a hug.
                       MAN #2
Aww, come here, cutie!
Man #2 hugs Man #1. An arrow flies and hits Man #2 in the
                       MAN #2
Oww! That really hurt!
                       MAN #1
Jesus Christ, what a bitch! Is
there anything I could do to make
you feel better?


                       MAN #2
Well, I could use some strappy
                       MAN #1
Oh, alright. I'll get you some
                       MAN #2
And some pumps?
                       MAN #1
We'll see.
Ther camera moves back to the general guy and Farmer-Mir.
Wow, they really do suck.
Treebutt is carrying Merry and Pippin out of Fangorn Forest.
He is looking at them.
      (Italian Mobster
...And that's why I'll never be on
the Conan O'Brian show... Oh!
Treebutt sees all the trees that have been cut down. He
looks sad.
Most of these trees were ma
friends. I knew them scince they
were fresh off the branch. I knew
I shouldn't have let that family
of bevers move in!
Treebutt, Merry and Pippin look over and see a couple Dorks
cutting down a tree and a Dork supervising.
Alright! Go faster! We need to get
these trees back to Saruspam so he
can turn them into axe handles and
kindling so we can cut down more
trees and work through the night
with fire.
Treebutt kneels down and picks up a branch.


Charlie! What did they do to you?
                       TREE #1
I'm sorry, Treebutt. They were too
powerful. I'll save you a spot in
The tree branch dies. Treebutt drops it on the ground. The
camera shows his face. His facial expression goes from sad
to mad to extremely and utterly pissed. He looks up and sees
Isenguard not so far off. The camera goes above his head and
Treebutt lifts his arms in the air and yells into the sky.
Treebutt gets up.
I'm sorry, Treebutt. I feel for
There is only one phrase that can
describe this kind of evil. That
guy is one bad ass motha fuckin'
Hundreads of Ents start coming out of the forest. They see
all the dead trees and are all sad. Treebutt points to
Isenguard and starts walking towards it. All the Ents start
following him.
Now, I see eye to eye with you
Slobbits. Now, we fight the Dorks
and Saruspam and we will crush
them under our roots. Of course, I
know how hard it is to get Dork
guts out from between your toes.
Now, Ents, TO WAAAAAR!
All the Ents continue walking to Isenguard.
I beat up babies to take their


Farmer-Mir and a bunch of men are taking Spam and Frodo away
somewhere. Frodo looks really wierd.
Mr. Frodo? Are you okay?
Frodo goes deaf. You can see Spam talking to him. He's
mothing the words: "I think your really hot, Mr. Frodo".
(But you can't hear it and unless you can read lips and if
you can't you're just wasting your time, like I've wasting
your time with the last two scripts.Yep.) Some man walks up
and looks at Frodo. Farmer-Mir comes up behind him.
Hey, midget, your friend looks
retarded. Is he okay?
The camera zooms in on Frodo's face. His eyes roll into the
back of his head.
They are here. They have come.
A big screech can be heard. All the men look into the air.
An Albino Black Rider comes down on one of those flying
dragon things and crashes into a tower. He is knocked off
and starts falling to the ground.
                       ALBINO BLACK RIDER
Aww, I'm so bad at this.
The black rider hits the ground.
Another Black rider starts flying around. The Men start
shooting arros at it.
Aragorn, Legolas, Gimly, Theoden and all the men are
standing around, looking sad. Aragorn looks at the door. A
loud booming comes from outside the door. The camera cuts to
outside the door. The Dorks aresmashing their heads on the
door. One of them passes out. Another Dork takes his place.
Another Dork passes out. John Travolta takes his place.
Peter Jackson comes up and shoots him with an AK47.


                       PETER JACKSON
Get out of my movie, ass whipe!
The camera cuts back to the inside.
How could these beast be so evil?
They're like hundreds of little
David Spades. Oh, Aragorn. If only
your father, the great tactitian
was here...
My father wasn't a great
tactitian. He was a violent drunk
who went to bars and strip clubs
every night and left me and my mom
alone at home.
The scene cuts to a strip club. Aragorn's dad is sitting at
a table drinking a beer. He looks really drunk. His friend
is sitting next to him. They're watching a girl dance.
Unfortunatley, all you can see is the girls legs.
      (Aragorn's dad's
Hey, I can't drink anymore. Do you
want the rest of my beer?
                       ARAGORN'S DAD
      (In raspy voice)
Aragorn's dad punches his friend in the face and knocks him
out. The scene cuts back to Helm's Deep.
He had such bad brain damage from
the booze that he pronounced U's
as A's.
Aragorn looks up at the window. A bright light starts
shining through it.
Jeez. Why don't the Dorks just
come through the window? What a
bunch of... Wait a minute.
The words of Gandoof echo through his head.


Don't worry, I should be back in
about five days with your army.
Theoden! I have an idea! Let's go
outside on our horses and beat the
crap out of any Dorks we can see!
Why? What's the point?
Cuz then, if we die, we can take a
bunch of those bastards with us.
Okay, sounds good. ALL MEN! GET A
Do we have to take names because I
don't have a pen and paper.
Aww, crap.
Aragorn, Gimly, Legolas, Theoden and all the men get on
their horses. Two men open the doors and the Men and Dwarf
and transvestite Elf rush out of the room and out onto the
courtyard. They start running over all the Dorks in their
The Mel Gibson from "Brave Heart" is riding one of the
                       MEL GIBSON
      (Scottish accent)
The peeps reach the outside gate and break through and knock


off a bunch of Dorks. They start cutting at all the Dorks
they come by. They break through the huge group of a
thousand Dorks and start cutting at them while on their
horses. Suddenly, a bright light flashes down from the
mountain side. All the Dorks and the peeps look up there.
Gandoof is up there on his horse. He raises his staff in the
air and Eomer comes our from behind him on his horse.
Thousands of Rohan guys come up from behind them. One of
them has a bow and arrow. He fires the arrow into the crowd.
It hits one of the Dorks and kills it.
                       DORK #2
All the Dorks start backing away from the Rohirim. Theoden
looks at Eomer and Gandoof and smiles. The Rohan guys and
Gandoof start rushing down the mountain side with their
swords out. One of the men is in an El Camino down the
mountain. He honks his horn and it sounds like "La
Cukaracha". Just as they reach the Dorks, a bright light
blinds them and they all cover their eyes.
The Ents are breaking apart Isenguard. They step on Dorks
and destroy walls. Two of the Dorks climb a tree.
Hehe. They'll never find us up
The tree's eyes open up and it ends up being an Ent. It
grabs them both and looks at them angrilly.
                       DORK #2
Fuck, we're dumb asses.
The Ent smashes their heads togethor. One of the Ents is
hoding a Dork up like a football kick. Another Ent comes up
and kicks the Dork. It goes flying. Saruspam comes out onto
the balcony of his tower. The Dork smacks into the wall next
to him.


The Dork slides off the wall and falls to the ground.
Saruspam looks down at the Ents attacking him. A rock is
thrown at his head and knocks him out. The camera cuts down
to Merry and Pippin.
Nice shot, Pip.
I was the best pitcher in women's
soft ball.
One of the Dorks puts his hands against his face and screams
like from the movie "Home Alone". He gets stepped on by an
Ent. The scene cuts to the dam above Isenguard. A couple
Ents are up there. They start breaking apart the dam. The
water pours down the side of the mountain and enters
      (Italian Mobster
Take that, bitches! You like that?
All the Ents brace themselves and the water comes over them.
One of the Ents has his head on fire. He puts his head under
Hold on 'dere, Slobbits!
The water hits Treebutt. It barely phases him. The water
goes down a hole. The bridges and constructions under ground
are destroyed. A retarded Dork is being sweapt away.
                       RETARDED DORK
Weeee! This is like when my mom
released me into the rapids 'cuz
she said she couldn't handle me
Frodo, Spam and Smeagol are being taken to a remote
location. Farmer-Mir is taking them there.
Stay here and don't move!
Spam looks down at Smeagol.


Hey, where were you this whole
Us, precious? Wes were...umm...
The scene cuts to an airplane. Smeagol is in it with a
parachute on and a parachuting instructer next to him. The
hatch is open on the side of the plane.
                       PARACHUTE INSTRUCTOR
Alright, when you reach 20,000
feet, open up your chute. Ready?
I don'ts know, precious. This is
too dangerouses for us...
                       PARACHUTE INSTRUCTOR
Too late. GO GO GO!
The parachute instructor pushes Smeagol out the hatch.
Smeagol starts falling. He screams as he falls. The camera
is above him as he falls.
The scene cuts back to Osgiliath.
Frodo looks wierd again. He starts walking off. Spam looks
over at him.
Mr. Frodo? Where are you going?
Frodo walks up a flight of stairs. Spam follows him.
Farmer-Mir looks over and sees them walking away. Frodo
comes onto a bridge. He looks out at the city. The Albino
Black Rider flies up to him on his dragon thingy. Frod takes
out the ring and presents it in front of him. The Alabino
Black rider takes out a ring on his finger. It looks
suspiciously like the ring from Super Friends that those
twins use.. Ya know the one, where they're like "*Something*
twin powers, ACTIVATE! Form of *something*!". He points it
at Frodo.
The scene cuts to Sauron watching this on his crystal ball.
He smacks himself in the face.


Goddamn it! I told him not to use
that thing. It doesn't even work.
God! He watches "Super Friends way
too much. JIMMY!
A Dork runs up to him.
Remind me to fire that Black
The scene cuts back to Osgiliath. Spam gets to the top of
the stairs and sees Frodo trying to give the ring to the
Albino Black Rider. The A.B.R. tries to grab the ring but
Spam jumps up and tackles Frodo. At the same time,
Farmer-Mir fires an arrow at the dragon thing. It screatches
and flies off. Frodo and Spam fall down the stairs on the
other side of the bridge. Frodo takes out his sword and puts
it to Spam's throat. Frodo looks pissed. There's a long
Holey crap. Your rough with me
today, Mr. Frodo. Don't you know
me anymore? Frodo? I'm your
Frodo gets off Spam.
I can't do this Spam.
      (I decided to keep
       this cuz I like
       this part in the
I know. It's all wrong. By rights
we shouldn't even be here. But we
are. It's like in the great
stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that
really mattered. Full of darkness
and danger, they were. And
sometimes you didn't want to know
the end. Because how could the end
be happy? How could the world go
back to the way it was when so
much bad had happened? But in the
end, it's only a passing thing,
this shadow. Even darkness must
pass. A new day will come. And
when the sun shines it will shine


                       SPAM (cont'd)
out the clearer. Those were the
stories that stayed with you. That
meant something, even if you were
too small to understand why. But I
think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand.
I know now. Folk in those stories
had lots of chances of turning
back, only they didn't. They kept
going. Because they were holding
on to something.
As he's talking, the scene cuts to Helm's Deep. The Rohirim
are coming down at the Dorks and attack them. Heroic music
is playing in the background. They totaly blow the shit out
of the first, like, 7 rows of Dorks. The El Camiono runs
over a bunch. Theoden raises his sword in triumph. The scene
cuts to Isenguard. The Ents are breaking apart the place.
The Ents raise their arms in triumph. A Dork is comforting a
Dork thats crying cuz they lost and they suck. The scene
cuts to the Special Olympics. A bunch of guys in wheelchairs
are racing down a track. The one in the front breaks through
the yellow ribbon and raises his arms in triumph. The scene
cuts back to Osgiliath as his speech ends.
What are we holding onto Spam?
      (Whispering to
My ass, hopefully.