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Blade of the Maple Leaf: Tales of The Last Canadian Samurai
by Justin Eisenstadt (cheesemaster605@yahoo.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***1/2
The Last Canadian Samurai is what I like to call a


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

EXT. WAR-TORN BATTLEGROUND - DAY
                                                            
The camera shows a wide shot of a scorched and pock-marked
battlefield. The sky above is a terrible black. All is
silent.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR (vo)
In the future, there will be
robots.
                                                            
Camera pans to show an army of fierce-looking robotic
soldiers closing in on a rag-tag group of men that is all
that remains of humanity's last defense against the robot
menace. The humans, with desperation and fear etched upon
their faces, futilely attempt to fight off their attackers.
The silence is broken as the sounds of battle erupt from
everywhere - gunfire, men screaming, bombs exploding, and
the constant whirring and buzzing of complicated machinery.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR (vo)
Well, that's another story.
                                                            
 
EXT. SMALL CANADIAN TOWN - DAY
                                                            
An ESTABLISHING SHOT of a peaceful-looking Canadian mountain
town.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR (vo)
For now, we look at a mountain
town in southern Canada. A town
not too unlike your own, and yet,
this town holds a secret from the
rest of the world. This town is
the home of the venerable order of
Canadian samurai. Unbeknownst to
outsiders, these guardians of
peace and justice have been
secretly protecting Canada long
after their Japanese counterparts
died out. But on this day,
something terrible will happen
which will call these warriors to
battle for the first time in 120
years...
                                                            
 

2.

EXT. SECRET MILITARY BASE - DAY
                                                            
The camera shows a bird's-eye view of a small inconspicuous
building hidden away on a mountain side.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR (vo)
We now view a U.S. military base,
hidden from prying eyes in the
Rocky Mts.
                                                            
ROOM INSIDE THE BASE.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR (vo)
Here, a lone security guard keeps
a silent vigil. It's silent, but
deadly.
                                                            
A bored-looking security guard sits in a small room in front
of a glowing panel covered in switches, buttons and screens.
The guard's eyes slowly begin to close, and he slowly falls
forward onto the panel. His face lands on a button marked
"Tactical Strike." Dramatic music flares up, then stops. He
then rolls onto a button marked "Apocalypse". The music
plays again, and stops once more. Then, he rolls onto a
button marked "Killtacular", and this time the dramatic
music keeps on playing.
                                                            
OUTSIDE THE BASE
                                                            
Hundreds of missiles launch from the mountainside. They
ascend into the blue sky.
                                                            
Cut to a SERIES OF SHOTS depicting the military leaders of
other nations panicking at the sight of the U.S. missiles.
Nations all over the world respond by launching their own
defense systems.

M.O.S. The missiles from the different nations actually pass
each other in the air before hitting their targets. Huge
mushroom clouds erupt into the sky all over the world.
                                                            
 
EXT. BARREN WASTELAND - DAY
                                                            
We see a desolate land devoid of all life and color. The
scene is very similar in appearance to any of the "Mad Max"
movies.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR (vo)
The world, as we know it, is gone.
Destroyed by one man who decided
to sleep his life away. The lands
we once called home are now
            (MORE)

3.

                       NARRATOR (cont'd)
rubble-strewn wastes home to the
few survivors.
                                                            
 
EXT. SMALL CANADIAN TOWN - DAY
                                                            
                       NARRATOR (vo)
The only land to survive was
Canada, because no one bothered to
launch missiles at them. Now it is
the Promised Land, the last refuge
of free people. But its people
are...changed. The ancient order
of noble warriors who have long
protected them are about to
experience the greatest battle of
their time. Prepare to
experience...The Last Canadian
Samurai.
                                                            
INSIDE THE CANADIAN SAMURAI STRONGHOLD
                                                            
The Canadian samurai are all in a large room, suiting up and
preparing for battle. The armor they wear is traditional
Japanese samurai armor with huge maple leaves emblazoned on
them.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR (vo)
Only two years after the accident,
an ambitious warlord known only as
MR. BOJANGLES controlled the
entire world outside of Canada.
                                                            
THE CANADIAN BORDER
                                                            
A man who looks like an old-fashioned southern dandy marches
at the head of a huge army. This is Mr. Bojangles. His
facial features resemble Col. Sanders, with a white beard
and mustache. His eyes, though, look sinister and fierce.
His army is equally mean-looking.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR (vo)
He was the only individual strong
and ruthless enough to unite the
rag-tag bands of wandering nomads
into a single army. The only thing
standing between him and complete
world domination was the resilient
and fertile land of Canada.
                                                            
An impressive looking samurai leads a considerable smaller
force towards the invading army.
                                                            

4.

                       NARRATOR (vo)
One leader, HONDA, the
Second-to-Last Canadian Samurai,
was able to hold him back. For the
first time, French and British
Canadians united under the same
banner.
                                                            
The two armies meet and wage a huge battle. The Canadian
samurai cut through their undisciplined enemies with their
katanas. The Canadian "soldiers" are armed only with rocks
or pitchforks, yet they maintain perfect ranks and march in
unison. Mr. Bojangles' soldiers are wild and wield
everything from clubs to firearms.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR (vo)
His premier team consisted of Team
Boo-Yah!
                                                            
As the narrator describes each character, a brief shot of
them fighting is shown.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR (vo)
It consisted of his son,
MITSUBISHI, the Last Canadian
Samurai. THE VIGILANT SWORD, a
lone warrior of justice. SUSHI X,
the invisible chef. SIX-GUN SAM,
gunslinger. SENSEI, teacher of
Canadian samurai for six
generations, as well his male
nurse, er, sorry, "attendant",
PATSY.
                                                            
SAMURAI DOJO
                                                            
                       NARRATOR (vo)
As was the Canadian samurai
tradition, the leaders of the two
armies faced off in one-on-one
combat.
                                                            
Honda and Mr. Bojangles face off in a Canadian dojo. They
trade blows until Mr. Bojangles finally ends the fight by
running Honda through.
                                                            

5.

                       NARRATOR (vo)
Mr. Bojangles defeated Honda in
battle and spared his foe no
mercy. Mitsubishi was considered
unattractive and a bad
conversationalist by most women
and thus became the last of his
father's line.
                                                            
Upon realizing that their leader has fallen, the Canadian
army begins to retreat. Bojangles' forces advance after
them. The remaining Canadian samurai stay back to cover
their companions' escape, and are cut down where they stand.
Only the main characters and about half of the Canadian
soldiers manage to flee to the safety of their capital.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR (vo)
And so, it seemed that Canada had
fallen into the hands of a
sadistic madman. Only two days
after his epic victory, however,
Mr. Bojangles died from a
mysterious accident.
                                                            
Mr. Bojangles walks through a weapon lab, inspecting his
newest weapon. The camera shows Mr. Bojangles but not the
weapon.
                                                            
                       MR. BOJANGLES
I do declare, it seems my ultimate
weapon is ready for its final
testing. Now, I say, now barring
some unfortunate accident, I will
finally have a weapon so kick-ass
that God himself will tremble
should I point it at the sky!
                                                            
Suddenly, for no apparent reason, the weapon explodes
violently, enveloping everyone near it in burning flames.
                                                            
                       MR. BOJANGLES
      (rolling on the
       ground)
I do declare, I appear to be
burning alive. This is most
unfortunate!
                                                            
                       NARRATOR (vo)
Without the firm leadership of Mr.
Bojangles, the invading army fell
apart and was easily driven out of
Canada. Canada was free once more,
but it would be forever weakened.
            (MORE)

6.

                       NARRATOR (cont'd)
Now, four years later, Bojangles'
son, MR. DIABLO, prepares to make
his emergence.
                                                            
 
INT. INTERNET CAFE - DAY
                                                            
Scene opens on a small Internet café. Inside, people can be
seen sitting at computers, chatting, and drinking coffee.
Close up on the Vigilant Sword, dressed in full costume and
sitting at the computer. The Vigilant Sword wears a long
black trenchcoat over his chain armor. His long black hair
is unkempt and falls over his red headband into his dark
eyes. Besides his bastard sword, the hilt of which extends
above his shoulders, he also carries multiple firearms in
his trenchcoat.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
      (typing on the
       keyboard)
Hmm...what to type next? Oh, I
know! "LOL". That way, people will
know that I'm laughing! Enter!
                                                            
At that moment, the door is smashed in. About 20 henchmen
burst through carrying sub-machine guns. Each one is dressed
in a red and black jumpsuit wit a big red "D" emblazoned on
the front.
                                                            
                       LEAD HENCHMAN
Everyone on the ground! Don't
anyone dare move!
      (Shoots gun wildly
       in the air)
Tear this place apart boys! Don't
stop until you find the Vigilant
Sword!
                                                            
The henchman proceed to smash everything in sight, breaking
computers and flipping tables. The Vigilant Sword stands
dumbfounded in plain view, while the henchmen seem to be
oblivious to his presence. One of the henchman stops to
order a cup of coffee.
                                                            
                       HENCHMAN #1
Yeah, I'd like a tall mocha latte,
please.
      (Smiles at girl
       behind counter)
So, what's your name?
                                                            

7.

                       HENCHMAN #2
Henchman #1! What the hell are you
doing?
                                                            
                       HENCHMAN #1
      (busy getting the
       girl's phone
       number)
Oh, sorry! Hey, I'll call you.
                                                            
As the dust settles and everything breakable is already
smashed, the leader finally notices the Vigilant Sword
standing right in the middle of the room.
                                                            
                       LEAD HENCHMAN
Hey, wait a second!
                                                            
He pulls out a picture of the Vigilant Sword. He glances at
it and then back at Vigilant Sword. He does this twice more.
                                                            
                       LEAD HENCHMAN
It's him! Get him!
                                                            
Several henchmen rush forward. They stop as Vigilant Sword
performs a dazzling feat of kung-fu.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
You want some? Come and get it!
                                                            
He draws his sword and twirls it back and forth. Action
music starts playing. The henchmen look at each other
nervously. Abruptly, the music cuts off as one of the
henchmen walks up behind Vigilant Sword and bashes him in
the back of the head with a coffee mug.
                                                            
                       HENCHMAN #1
Well, that was easy.
                                                            
                       LEAD HENCHMAN
Alright, see what kind of gear
he's got on him.
                                                            
                       HENCHMAN #2
      (rifles through
       Vigilant Sword's
       gear)
Let's see...bastard sword, two
Uzis, two nickel-plated Desert
Eagles, some pipe bombs, a quantum
interface bomb, frag grenades, a
thermal detonator, a broken
lightsaber, and the best of Donna
Summer.
                                                            

8.

                       LEAD HENCHMAN
      (grabs CD)
Uh...I'll take that one.
                                                            
                       HENCHMAN #2
What should we do with the rest of
the stuff?
                                                            
                       LEAD HENCHMAN
Oh, I don't see any harm in
letting him keep his massive
arsenal of weaponry. Now load him
in the back of the van and let's
move out.
                                                            
Two henchmen move forward to grab Vigilant Sword while the
rest head outside and get back in their black vans.
                                                            
 
INT. SMALL PRISON CELL - DAY
                                                            
Scene opens on a small prison cell. The walls are rough
stone and the cell bars are rusty iron. The Vigilant Sword
lies unconscious in the middle of his cell. 5 henchmen stand
guard outside the cell. Laser beams criss-cross the floor
directly in front of his cell.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
      (wakes up with a
       groan)
Oh...my head. Where am I?
                                                            
                       LEAD HENCHMAN
So, you've woken up. I am correct
in assuming that you are Craig
"Vigilant Sword" McGanskie?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
What? No one has called me Craig
ever since...the incident.
                                                            
The air starts to distort, as if going into a flashback.
Instead of a repressed memory, however, there is only a
dancing monkey.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Ooh! Dancing monkey!
                                                            
After about 15 more seconds, the image disappears.
                                                            
                       LEAD HENCHMAN
...That made no sense whatsoever.
                                                            

9.

                       VIGILANT SWORD
No, but it was rather amusing.
                                                            
                       LEAD HENCHMAN
Yeah, that's true...
      (shakes head)
But that's not important! What is
important is that you are now the
prisoner of Mr. Diablo, and I am
going to make your life a living
hell. Mwah hah hah!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
"Mwah hah hah"? What the hell kind
of evil laugh is that?
                                                            
                       LEAD HENCHMAN
Hey, I have been practicing, but -
you know what, just shut up. Just
shut up! I'm not worried about you
because you can't escape. The bars
are solid titanium, the walls are
3 feet of stone, and you're
surrounded by a laser defense
grid. That's right, LASERS!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Okay, lasers, I got it.
                                                            
                       LEAD HENCHMAN
No, no, LASERS!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Yeah, lasers, right.
                                                            
                       LEAD HENCHMAN
No, you're not saying it right.
LASERS!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Okay, fine.
      (beat)
LASERS!
                                                            
                       LEAD HENCHMAN
Good. Now, my men and I are going
to leave you unattended for about
30 minutes, just enough time for
you to make a daring escape.
Except you're not going to.
Remember - LASERS!
                                                            

10.

The henchmen walk away, arguing about whether they should go
get bagels or coffee.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Alright, now how to escape? I
can't get past those LASERS! I'm
going to need help. I've got to
send a telepathic message to
Mitsubishi.
                                                            
He places his fingers on his forehead, closes his eyes and
begins to concentrate.

                                                            
MITSUBISHI'S LIVING ROOM
                                                            
Mitsubishi is sitting on a couch playing Halo on his Xbox.
He is furiously mashing buttons, and it is obvious his ass
is getting kicked.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
      (clutches his
       forehead)
What's this? A telepathic message
from the Vigilant Sword?
      (holds hand up to
       his head like a
       telephone)
Hello?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD (vo)
Mitsubishi, this is the Vigilant
Sword.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Oh, hey VS! How's it going?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD (vo)
I've been captured by Mr. Diablo's
henchmen and am being held in a
small cell. Trace this telepathic
message back to my location and
come set me free.
                                                            
SMALL PRISON CELL
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI (vo)
Oh, well, I'm kind of busy right
now, VS. I'm...uh...I'm fighting
evil.
                                                            

11.

Mitsubishi's extremely loud button mashing can be heard from
the other side.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Oh...I see. Get over here as soon
as you -
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI (vo)
Oh God! Oh God, there's too many
of them! They've surrounded me! Oh
no, I'm out of grenades! AAAH!
Take this, you bastards! AAAH!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Fight well, my friend. Oh,
Mitsubishi, one more thing.
                                                            
MITSUBISHI'S LIVING ROOM
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Yes, my friend?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD (vo)
Don't worry about the small Flood.
The big ones are the only ones
that matter. Oh, and the shotgun
is a lot better for that level
than the assault rifle.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Thanks, man.
      (Keeps playing for
       several seconds,
       then stops.)
Damn it!
                                                            
SMALL PRISON CELL
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
      (sighs)
He's not coming. Looks like I'll
have to get of here on my own.
Maybe there's a weak spot in this
wall I can bust through.
                                                            
He begins pushing against the rear wall of his cell, looking
for a weak spot. Suddenly, the entire wall simply falls
over. Vigilant Sword is now actually looking off-set.
Cameramen can be seen filming his look of surprise. Doors to
sets four and five are nearby. Right in front of Vigilant
Sword, one of the film crew sits at a table eating
doughnuts.
                                                            

12.

                       FILM CREWMAN
You moron! Do you have any idea
how long it took to put that set
together? The director's going to
be pissed!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Uh...okay. Look, just tell me how
to get out of here.
                                                            
                       FILM CREWMAN
Well, you can't leave the lot, if
that's what you mean. But the
henchmen can't follow you into the
next scene.
                                                            
Vigilant Sword begins to walk over to the door to scene
four.
                                                            
                       FILM CREWMAN
Hey! You can't go in there! You're
not in that scene, man - you'll
mess up the whole movie!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
...Alright.
                                                            
He starts to walk over to the door to scene five.
                                                            
                       FILM CREWMAN
Hey, you can't go to scene five
yet! Scene four hasn't even
started. Besides, that door's
locked anyway.
                                                            
He holds up a key. Vigilant Sword sighs, draws his sword,
and runs the guy through. He then grabs the key and walks
over to the door. Before going through it, he first walks
back to the table and grabs a doughnut to take with him.
                                                            
 
EXT. THE MONASTERY - DAY
                                                            
Scene begins with a shot of the monastery from the outside.
Water gardens and other beautiful decorations are scattered
throughout the well-kept greens that surround it. Tranquil
music plays in the b.g.
                                                            
INSIDE THE MONASTERY
                                                            
The scene moves inside the monastery, and the music changes
to "Welcome to the Jungle". Monks wearing traditional

13.

Buddhist robes are working out with weights or are boxing
with one another. Scene moves into a room in which Sensei
and his servant Patsy are meditating. Sensei is an extremely
old man in a wheelchair. He has the typical long white beard
and wears a simple cloth robe. Patsy is a huge muscular man
with long black hair wearing similarly simple clothing.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Ah, all is quiet, all is tranquil.
I am at harmony with the world
around me. Patsy, prepare to
transcend upon the path to
nirvana.
      (Breathes deeply)
Mmmmmm...
                                                            
                       PATSY
Ahhhhh!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
No, no, no! Not "ahhhh", "mmmmm".
                                                            
                       PATSY
Ahhhhh!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
No, mmmmm. Like this; mmmmmm.
                                                            
                       PATSY
Ahhhh!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Mmmmm.
                                                            
                       PATSY
Mehhhhh!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Close enough. Now, together -
mmmmmm.
                                                            
They both hum together for several seconds. Suddenly,
Mitsubishi barges in through the door, slamming it against
the wall loudly. Mitsubishi is tall, heavyset, and has curly
red hair.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Hey Master! Hey Sensei! It's me!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
      (nearly falling
       off chair)
Arggh! I was just about to achieve
enlightenment, fool!
                                                            

14.

                       MITSUBISHI
      (stops, grins
       sheepishly)
Oh...well, uh...sorry.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
What did I tell you about
disturbing my meditation?
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Uhh...
      (scratches head)
...not to do it?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Bingo, numbnuts! You scared me so
bad I just filled my diaper.
                                                            
                       PATSY
You want I should change the
diaper?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Yes, my Russian friend, right
away. Now, what is it that was so
important that you had to disturb
me?
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Ohh...uh...now, let's see...oh
yeah!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Well, what is it?
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Yeah, I was walking outside when
I...uh...yeah, I saw something
shiny on the ground, and I picked
it up, and I decided to show it to
you.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Look, my young student, you don't
have to show me every shiny thing
you find.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Yeah, but this is
extra-super-special shiny.
                                                            

15.

                       SENSEI
      (sighs)
Fine, let me see it.
                                                            
Mitsubishi hands Sensei an amulet with some strange markings
on it.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
An amulet, hmmm. Wait, I recognize
these markings.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
They're very shiny.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
This is the mark of the Wu-Tang
Clan!
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
The Wu-Tang Clan?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Yes, the Wu-Tang Clan. They are a
clan of assassins, skilled in the
arts of combat and hip-hop.
Through mysterious, unknown
techniques, they have perfected
their style and truly rock da'
hizzouse.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
I've never heard of them, master.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
What?! They're the shiznit! You
don't know the Wu-Tang Clan? You
know, diversify your bonds and all
that?
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Uh...no?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Ah,y'all don't know good muzak!
You'd best be wary of them, my
son, for the Wu-Tang Clan ain't
nothin' to mess with. Now, leave
me - I must ponder this strange
omen.
                                                            
Mitsubishi walks back outside.
                                                            

16.

                       PATSY
Master! Medication time!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
      (chucks amulet
       aside)
Medication? Ooh, gimme, gimme,
gimme!
                                                            
Sensei frantically wheels over to Patsy and gulps down
several pills at once.
                                                            
                       PATSY
      (nods, then looks
       down at pill
       bottle)
Wait a second, this not arthritis
medication, it...Viagra? Oh shit,
what I done?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
      (thrusts himself
       out of his
       wheelchair)
Boo yah!!
                                                            
                       PATSY
Master, stop! What are you doink?
                                                            
Sensei tears off his robe and begins running around crazily.
He comes up behind a meditating monk and begins to thrust
wildly at him.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
What's a matter, baldy? Am I
psyching you out? Huh, huh, am I?
                                                            
The monk screams and runs away. Sensei cackles maniacally
and runs to the front door.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Hey everybody! Look at the
one-eyed monster! Oh yeah!
                                                            
He begins thrusting wildly. The sounds of people screaming
are heard in the b.g.
                                                            
                       PATSY
Master, stop! Your brittle bones
are not to be handlink such
activity!
                                                            

17.

                       SENSEI
Nonsense! I feel as young as a -
      (clutches back
       suddenly)
Oh, my back. Patsy, bring me my
wheelchair now.
                                                            
                       PATSY
Yes, I take you wheelchair now!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Oh...I'm so stiff.
                                                            
Suddenly, the sounds of fighting are heard from outside.
There is a frightened scream, and then all grows quiet.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI (os)
Master, master, I killed an
assassin! There was an assassin,
and he came up to me, but I
chopped him in half. Did you hear
me, I killed an assassin!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
      (shakes head)
No you didn't.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI (os)
Y - yes I did.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Did you just kill another postman?
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI (os)
Uhh...maybe?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
      (sighs)
Throw him in the corpse pile with
the others. Now, I want you to add
another code to the Law of the
Samurai: "I shall not chop things
in half for no reason."
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI (os)
...Duly noted. It is fun though,
eh?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Now, if someone comes, ask them to
state their name and business.
I'll tell you if you can chop them
in half.
                                                            

18.

                       MITSUBISHI (os)
Okey-dokey.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
      (settles back into
       wheelchair)
Now, it is time for my sponge
bath. Then, a massage with hot
oils. And after that, bingo.
                                                            
                       PATSY
      (shudders)
Very well, I make you hot bath,
comrade.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI (os)
Hey Sensei! There's someone else
to see you here.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Who is it?
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI (os)
He's tall and dressed in black and
carries a big scythe. He says his
name is Death and he's here for
the reaping.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Tell him I'm not dead yet!
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI (os)
He disagrees. He says your heart
isn't even beating right now.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
      (glances around
       nervously)
Uh...you have my permission to
chop him in half.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI (os)
Sweet!!
                                                            
 

19.

EXT. MR. DIABLO'S FORTRESS - DAY
                                                            
Mr. Diablo's "impenetrable" fortress is a massive austere
metal behemoth that looms over a bleak and barren landscape
devoid of anything but gray. It is a single tower that
extends about 100 feet into the air. It is also surrounded
by a stone wall dotted with patrolling sentries and gun
turrets. Guards patrol the grounds between the wall and the
tower.
                                                            
INSIDE THE FORTRESS - DIABLO'S INNER SANCTUM
                                                            
Mr. Diablo's personal office/study is very neat and
professional. The villain stands on a high-backed leather
chair facing the window so that he is not visible to the
camera. About four other henchmen stand in the room with
him. The chair turns around, revealing Mr. Diablo. He is
young, handsome man with long, unkempt blond hair and a
piercing gaze.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
So...how are we doing with "the
plan"?
                                                            
As he says "the plan", he holds his hands up in the form of
quotation marks.
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Very good, sir, but he asks if
there could be cinnamon scented
candles rather than rose scented -
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
SHHH! No one is supposed to know
about George and me! I mean the
other plan!
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Ohhh...that plan. Yes, well...the
thing is...he -
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Did you bump off the Canadians or
not?
                                                            
                       2 6/8
The...uh...he saw us coming
sir...PLEASE DON'T FIRE ME!
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Sorry, but...YOU'RE FIRED, BITCH!
                                                            

20.

Mr. Diablo presses a button marked "FIRED" on his desk.
Three guards suddenly enter the room and drag 2 6/8 into the
next room. Several gun shots are heard, followed by silence.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Well, now that that's dealt with.
      (points to a
       random henchman)
You! You're my new number two and
six eigths!
                                                            
                       2 6/8
      (reluctantly
       shuffles over)
Kay...
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Now, I -
                                                            
                       FORMER 2 6/8 (os)
Ughhhh...
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Umm...so, I -
                                                            
                       FORMER 2 6/8 (os)
Wha...what...why am I covered in
blood?
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
As I was saying -
                                                            
                       FORMER 2 6/8
AAAHHH! OH MY GOD! MY LEGS! I
CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS! OH SWEET
JESUS! AAHHH!
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Alright, THAT'S IT! Cletus! Please
finish him off!
                                                            
A very tall, toothless, barefoot red neck wearing overalls
walks in the room. The banjo music from "Deliverance" plays
in the b.g. He is holding a large board with a nail through
it.
                                                            
                       CLETUS
EEEEAAAAAAEEEEE!
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Yes, yes, eeeaaaaeee! Just get the
job done!
                                                            

21.

Cletus walks into the room wear the former 2 6/8 is.
                                                            
                       FORMER 2 6/8
Thank God you're here you need to
help - wait...why do you have that
board? Why are you walking toward
me? No! No! NOOOO!
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Sir, now that he's dead, what are
we going to do with the body?
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
      (grins)
That's the great thing about
rednecks...they stuff everything
they kill.
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Right...
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Now back to my plan...the plan is
simple. First, we killed the
government officials of Canada and
replaced them with clones, right?
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Umm...we couldn't quite get the
cloning technology.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Then what did you get with the 5
million dollars I gave you?
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Thirty two thousand shares of
Badger Badger Badger.com.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Shit! Very well...we did get the
prime minister to give us the
access codes to their nuclear
weaponry, right?
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Sorry, sir, but Canada doesn't
really have nuclear weaponry.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Did we get anything?!
                                                            

22.

                       2 6/8
Well, we did get the key to a tool
shed where the Mounties keep all
their weapons.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
And?
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Three pointed sticks, a sack of
rocks, four daisy air rifles, and
a stick of dynamite.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Double shit! Well, please tell me
you managed to brainwash the
Mounties into doing my bidding!
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Uh...not quite...we had to shoot
them.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
SHOOT THEM?!
                                                            
                       2 6/8
We tried to seduce them with Wayne
Gretzky, but they knew it was just
a picture! They started to throw
rocks! So...many...rocks...anyway,
we had to shoot them.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! Did anything go
right with my plan?
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Well, we did get three assassins
to hunt down the Canadian samurai.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Marvelous!
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Yeah, but they are charging 23.5
million. And they want their own
jet...
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Very well...
                                                            

23.

                       2 6/8
...With pink interior and seats
that say "girls rule" on them.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
NOOOOOO!!!
                                                            
 
INT. THE MONASTERY - NIGHT
                                                            
Scene begins inside the monastery during the early evening.
Mitsubishi is sitting on the floor of the large living room
playing with letter blocks, attempting to spell words that
Sensei gives him. Patsy is attempting to feed Sensei in the
same way that one would a stubborn infant.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Now, my son, spell "cat".
                                                            
                       PATSY
Open mouth, old fool. Comink in is
the plane!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
I don't want to. Leave me alone!
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
      (displays three
       blocks spelling
       "cot")
Look, Sensei! Is this it?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
No, that spells "cot".
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
...Oh.
                                                            
                       PATSY
Give him easier one.
                                                            
Patsy attempts to shove the spoon in Sensei's mouth, but
succeeds only in smearing apple sauce all over his mouth and
chest.
                                                            
                       PATSY
Oh, you want I should make you
wear bib?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
I'm not hungry! Mitsubishi, here's
an easy one. Spell "maim".
                                                            

24.

Mitsubishi spells it perfectly.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Alright...now spell "eviscerate".
                                                            
Mitsubishi again spells the word perfectly.
                                                            
                       PATSY
      (wiping Sensei's
       mouth)
Looks like someone askink for IV
hamburger, then.
                                                            
At that moment, Vigilant Sword bursts into the room, out of
breath. Sensei, Patsy, and Mitsubishi stop what they're
doing and look up at him.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Oh...hey, Vigilant Sword, looks
like you got out of that one
alright...heh heh?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Yeah, no thanks to you, you dumb
bastard! I should kill you...but
right now we have more important
things to deal with.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Such as?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Our sworn nemesis, Mr. Diablo, has
decided to come out of hiding.
He's growing bolder. I must tell
you what happened.
                                                            
FADE OUT
                                                            
FADE IN
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
...And that's what happened.
                                                            
                       PATSY
What? All you did was fade out and
then back in.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Wha - but that always...ok, fine.
I was at an internet café chatting
away with my friends. Suddenly,
these henchmen burst through the
            (MORE)

25.

                       VIGILANT SWORD (cont'd)
door and ransacked the place. Then
they took me captive and brought
me to their hideout. I think they
were working for Mr. Diablo. My
guess is they were going to
interrogate me for the location of
this base, but I managed to
escape.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
But that's impossible! I thought
we killed Mr. Diablo two years
ago.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Yeah, he's been dead ever
since...the incident.
                                                            
Scene starts to distort as if going into a flashback, until
Sensei cuts in.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
We don't have time for a flashback
now. If Mr. Diablo is indeed alive
and making a comeback, then you
know what we have to do.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Assemble...Team Boo Ya!
                                                            
MONASTERY - THE WAR ROOM
                                                            
All the members of Team Boo Ya are sitting around a large
circular table. The war room is brightly lit and filled with
maps, charts, equipment, etc.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
...And that's how it goes.
                                                            
The others nod in understanding.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
How come it works when he does it?
                                                            
                       DAVE
How come I know what happened even
though you didn't say anything?
This makes no sense!
                                                            
Cut to a shot of Dave being thrown off a tall bridge.
                                                            

26.

                       SENSEI
We cannot allow Mr. Diablo to
threaten the free world as his
father did. We must stop him
before he can act.
                                                            
                       SIX-GUN SAM
Yeehaw! I reckon, I reckon!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Considering how dumb his henchmen
are, it's quite likely they don't
even know I've escaped yet.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
That means we'll have the element
of surprise if we strike quickly.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Precisely. Vigilant Sword, I want
you and Sushi X to pay a little
visit to the Diablo Industries
headquarters and see if you can
determine the location of his
fortress.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
What about me? Can I go with them?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Uh...no, you have to stay here and
"train" some more.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Why can't I go? You never let me
do anything fun!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Why can't you go? Because you're
an idiot, that's why!
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
      (runs off crying
       like a girl)
I hate you! I'm never speaking to
you again! Waah!
                                                            
                       PATSY
What a little bitch.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Agreed.
                                                            

27.

                       SIX-GUN SAM
I reckon.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Well then, I have nothing further
to say. the sooner you two leave,
the better.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Hey, Sensei - do you still have
that old van? You know, the
"Danger Machine"?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Oh, that old thing? Yeah, you can
take it. I was going to give it to
Mitsubishi, but the odds of him
driving are pretty slim.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Alright, man. We're off.
                                                            
OUTSIDE THE MONASTERY
                                                            
The Danger Machine pulls out of a garage and drives away.
The Danger Machine is your typical hippie van; painted
tye-dye, and covered with pictures and "groovy" expressions.
                                                            
MONASTERY - THE WAR ROOM
                                                            
Mitsubishi comes walking back into the room sheepishly.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
What are you doing now?
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Patsy, could you please tell
Sensei that I'm not speaking to
him?
                                                            
                       PATSY
No. Tell him yourself, crybaby.
                                                            
Mitsubishi shakes his head, crosses his arm over his chest,
ands starts pouting.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
God damn it, stop being a little
baby!
      (sighs)
You want Patsy to make you
cookies?
                                                            

28.

                       MITSUBISHI
      (considers this
       for a few
       moments, then
       stops pouting)
...Okaaay.
                                                            
 
EXT. DIABLO INDUSTRIES HEADQUARTERS - DAY
                                                            
Scene opens on Vigilant Sword and Sushi X, both wearing
business suits, with Dave walking close behind. With Sushi
X, only the suit itself is visible. The three are
approaching the sliding doors to a huge modern-looking
office building. "DIABLO INDUSTRIES" is engraved above the
door. It is a busy day on a busy city street.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Hey, you don't suppose "Diablo
Industries" is actually a front
for Mr. Diablo, do you?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Possible, but rather unlikely.
There's no way an innocent company
like Diablo Industries that deals
in oil, credit cards, and
Starbucks could represent an evil
man like Mr. Diablo.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (slaps his
       forehead)
You two are just a pair of
friggin' geniuses, aren't you?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Thanks for the compliment, Dan.
                                                            
                       DAVE
It's Dave.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Shh. We're entering the lobby.
Everyone act natural.
                                                            
The three step into the spacious lobby. It is very
professional and boring, with small plants, mild lighting,
and a fish pond in the center. Four stern GUARDS are on
duty. A beautiful SECRETARY stands behind a desk, and looks
up as they approach. No one seems affected by the floating
suit that is Sushi X.
                                                            

29.

                       SUSHI X
Hello, we made a 4:30 appointment
here? By the way, you're not
actually a front for Mr. Diablo,
are you?
                                                            
                       SECRETARY
No, of course not. I assume you
three are Mr. Sword, Mr. X,
and...Dan?
                                                            
                       DAVE
My name is Dave! Why can't anyone
in this stupid movie get my name
right?!
                                                            
                       SECRETARY
Sure it is...Dave.
                                                            
She gestures to one of the guards. Dave is thrown off a
bridge.
                                                            
                       SECRETARY
Now, one of our assass - er,
representatives waits in the
conference room on the 33rd floor.
Please proceed, and do enjoy your
stay here Diablo Industries!
                                                            
Vigilant Sword and Sushi X walk into the elevator and wait
for it to reach the 33rd floor.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
So, tell me again why we're here.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Like I said, this is a
multi-national corporation. They
must have vital info on Mr.
Diablo. Credit card reports, a
personal bio, anything. We're also
supposed to obtain a copy of their
directory.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Oh...okay. But why couldn't we
just do that over the Internet?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Because then there's no way they
could lay a clever trap for us,
thus eliminating the possibility
of an exciting action scene.
                                                            

30.

                       SUSHI X
Oh...so that's why you told me to
wear my battle gear under this
suit.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
What do you mean? You never take
it off.
                                                            
There is a DING as the doors open. They find the door marked
"Conference Room 33". Under that is a sign that says
"Filming in Progress". Under that is one that says "[Your
Product Name Here]".
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Here we go.
                                                            
They step into the room. Instead of a corporate conference
room, however, they are in what looks like some lazy college
kid's dorm room. Clothes are strewn everywhere, the walls
are covered with posters, and everything is a mess.
Visibility is low because the blinds are down and the room
is filled with smoke. On the couch, a GUY slouches with a
joint in hand watching TV. He has long shaggy hair and his
clothes are dirty. Beer cans are scattered at his feet.
                                                            
                       SLACKER
      (Looks up)
Oh, hey dudes. Welcome to my lair.
      (coughs)
I'm supposed to read this to you
when you enter.
      (picks up a piece
       of paper)
"Dear Morons: It seems you have
stumbled into my clever trap. I'd
like you to meet my assassin, the
Slacker." Uh, that's me, by the
way. "He has no weapons, no
powers, and worst of all - no work
ethic." Pause for dramatic effect.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
No! Vile hippie! You will die!!
                                                            
                       SLACKER
"Oh, did I mention that he's
impervious to pain?"
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Now it's personal!
                                                            

31.

                       SLACKER
"Have fun. Your friend, Mr.
Diablo, Lord of the Universe."
                                                            
Vigilant Sword and Sushi X throw off their suits. They draw
their weapons and assume a defensive posture. However, the
Slacker does not move from the couch.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Um...aren't you going to, you
know, fight us?
                                                            
                       SLACKER
Uh, no. I'm watching Super
Troopers. That movie rocks.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Yeah, it does. But still, you're
the laziest assassin ever. You're
such a...well, a slacker.
                                                            
                       SLACKER
Actually, you know what, Mr. D did
promise me a whole bunch of pot
and Funyuns, so I guess I'll kill
your asses. But it better not take
long.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Have at ye!
                                                            
He rushes forward and drives his sword through the Slacker's
chest. In response, the Slacker takes a draw from his joint
and launches Vigilant Sword across the room, almost hitting
Sushi X.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Now it's my turn!
                                                            
He dashes across the room and two meat cleavers suddenly
appear in the Slacker's neck, and then Sushi X is also
thrown across the room.
                                                            
The three continue to battle, with Vigilant Sword and Sushi
X getting their asses kicked. They unleash everything
they've got, including guns, grenades, and poison-tipped
chopsticks, but nothing works. Finally, the two retreat to
the other side of the room and huddle. The Slacker simply
sinks back onto the couch to smoke and eat Funyuns.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
It's no use my friend! He's just
too strong!
                                                            

32.

                       SUSHI X
No...he's not. I've noticed
something; before every attack, he
takes a huge draw from his joint.
He's not impervious to pain - he
just smokes a lot of reefer!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Alright, I've got an idea.
                                                            
The two lean in and whisper. Occasional statements like "Oh
yeah" and "That's good" can be heard. They end the huddle
with a cry of "Break!"
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
      (walks over to the
       Slacker and puts
       down his sword)
So, Slacker...are you going to
pass that shit or what?
                                                            
                       SLACKER
Yeah, man! Why didn't you ask?
                                                            
The Slacker hands the joint over to the Vigilant Sword.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
      (takes a draw)
Whoa, man! This is good stuff.
                                                            
                       SLACKER
You know it. Hey, does everything
taste really loud to you?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Yeah...I know what you mean.
                                                            
He stumbles and almost trips.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
      (in slow motion)
And the air...it's so heavy, you
know? It's like...Jell-O.
                                                            
Meanwhile, as the Vigilant Sword continues to smoke, Sushi X
sneaks around and carries the Slacker's entire stash of
marijuana over to a window. At the sound of breaking glass,
the Slacker turns.
                                                            
                       SLACKER
Hey man! What are you doing?
That's my stash!
                                                            

33.

                       SUSHI X
Say good bye to your grass,
Slacker.
                                                            
Sushi X tosses the bags of weed out the window. The Slacker
howls in rage.
                                                            
                       SLACKER
You just chucked $600 worth of pot
out the window, man! That's not
cool! I...I need that! All I've
got left is one little joint -
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Which Vigilant Sword is currently
smoking! Hah!
                                                            
SLOW MOTION
                                                            
ECU - VIGILANT SWORD'S FACE
                                                            
The last remaining ashes of the joint fall to the ground.

The Slacker begins to shake.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Vigilant Sword! Now's your chance!
FINISH HIM!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
I could really go for a Hot Pocket
right now.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
      (sighs)
Oh, fine, I'll do it myself.
                                                            
Sushi X screams, and the Slacker is caught up in a whirlwind
of flashing blades. The camera pans over so that the action
is off-screen. Vigilant Sword watches the display with a
goofy grin. The camera pans back to show Sushi X holding a
cutting board with what looks like sushi on it. He grins and
gives the thumbs up.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Whoa...that was awesome! Could you
do that again?
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
C'mon! We've got to find those
data files!
                                                            

34.

                       VIGILANT SWORD
Can I bring the Funyuns?
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Yes, you can bring the Funyuns!
Now let's just go!
                                                            
 
INT. THE MONASTERY - NIGHT
                                                            
It is early evening, and all the heroes, except for Vigilant
Sword and Sushi X, are sitting around a card table in the
large common room playing cards.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Hey, Patsy! Got any threes?
                                                            
                       PATSY
Moron! We are playink gin rummy.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
I guess that's a "Go fish", then?
                                                            
                       PATSY
Who invited him to join us?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Sure wasn't me.
                                                            
                       SIX-GUN SAM
This town ain't big enough for the
both of us.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
I didn't invite him to play, but I
need to keep my eye on him so he
doesn't wander off and cause
trouble. I've already lost too
many mail men this week.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Hey, that's not fair. I thought he
was brandishing a weapon!
                                                            
                       PATSY
He was handink you a clipboard,
dumbass.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Everyone's against me! Waah!
                                                            

35.

                       DAVE
Damn, for a samurai, you sure are
whiny. Oh, I forgot - you're not a
samurai!
                                                            
Dave gets thrown off a bridge.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
      (glances at Dave's
       cards)
Ooh! Dan's got a three! Boo ya!
                                                            
Sensei and Patsy shake their heads. At that moment, Vigilant
Sword and Sushi X enter the room.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Sensei, we have returned. We have
quite an extensive report.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
      (listens to the
       monks chanting)
Dude! Where's that awesome music
coming from? It's like...tranquil
and shit.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Yeah...but why are you talking
like that?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
And why do you smell like
marijuana smoke?
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Uh...well, that's part of our
story. But first, maybe we should
wait for Vigilant Sword to come
down off his high.
                                                            
                       PATSY
As a Russian, you can believe me
when I say, "That guy is stoned."
                                                            
                       SIX-GUN SAM
Yeehaw!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
I don't have time to wait. I know
of an ancient technique used to
cure someone when they are in a
state of delirium or mind control.
                                                            

36.

Sensei wheels over to Vigilant Sword, who is standing there
swaying. Sensei begins slapping him in the face repeatedly.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
      (slap)
Stop!
      (slap)
Being!
      (slap)
High!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Jeez, mellow out man!
                                                            
Sensei slaps him once more. Vigilant Sword shakes his head
in confusion.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
My God, what happened? Where am I?
Man, for a while there, everything
seemed funny even when it wasn't.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
You were completely baked, man.
You smoked the Slacker's pot,
remember? I had to complete
mission and drag you back here
myself.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
My apologies, friend, for being a
burden to you.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
      (snorts)
I'm just glad that's over with.
You spent ten whole minutes
talking about how "cool" your name
is.
                                                            
                       PATSY
      (sighs)
...I wish my name were cool.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
My name is the name of a car
company. Isn't that weird?
                                                            
                       SIX-GUN SAM
I reckon.
                                                            

37.

                       SENSEI
Enough! Just tell me what you have
to report.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Well, Mr. Diablo knows Vigilant
Sword escaped. He laid a trap for
us, in the form of an assassin
named "The Slacker", at the Diablo
Industries Headquarters.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
By the way, they are indeed a
front for Mr. Diablo.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Yeah, and you wouldn't believe the
stuff they had in their database.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Doughnuts?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
...Yes, Mitsubishi; all kinds of
doughnuts.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
We succeeded in locating Mr.
Diablo's fortress.
                                                            
                       PATSY
And?
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
It's right smack in the middle of
North Dakota.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Why North Dakota?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Hey, they should be glad they got
mentioned in our movie. North
Dakota never gets noticed for
anything.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Man that must really piss off
South Dakota.
                                                            
Patsy smacks him upside the head.
                                                            

38.

                       PATSY
So what is plan, Master?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Well, first of all, we've got to
Assemble...Team -
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
We're all here, dipshit.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
      (looks downcast)
...Oh.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
The plan is this: first, we stock
up on weapons and SURGE! That will
keep us focused and energetic.
Then we all drive to Mr. Diablo's
fortress. Vigilant Sword, Sushi X,
Sam, and Mitsubishi will take the
Danger Machine. Patsy and I will
take my Ford Model T. Then, we
knock on the door. When they let
us in, we kill everything that
moves.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Including friendly forest animals?
                                                            
                       SIX-GUN SAM
Yeehaw!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Uh...sure. After we kill all his
henchmen, we go face Mr. Diablo in
a climactic battle that will take
all our combined powers. Then we
dramatically escape from the
fortress in the nick of time as it
explodes for no reason. Then we
all go to Baskin Robbins to
celebrate. Any questions?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
That's a vague plan.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
      (strokes chin)
Yes...just vague enought to work.
Patsy, it's time for my sponge
bath. The rest of you, I suggest
you prepare for the trials ahead.
                                                            

39.

                       SUSHI X
Hey, what about Dan?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Dan cannot join us. He died in the
line of duty, defending this base
from Diablo's spies.
                                                            
                       PATSY
Uh...actually, Mitsubishi threw
him off bridge. Will probably
return in next scene.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
He will not be forgotten.
                                                            
 
INT. THE MONASTERY - DAY
                                                            
Team Boo Ya is hanging out in the common room, preparing for
their mission. Mitsubishi is teaching Sushi X some sword
techniques. Vigilant Sword is surfing the Internet. Everyone
else is just sitting around.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Now, this is a sword, you hold it
like this...
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Hey, I said I was a little rusty,
not retarded!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Hey guys! Come take a look at
this!
                                                            
Everyone huddles around Vigilant Sword and the computer.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
It says there is one
Dew...Mountain Dew that is...that
is said to hold a mystic
power...like a dark force or
something...
                                                            
                       SENSEI
One dew to bind them all...
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Uh...isn't one RING to bind them
all?
                                                            

40.

                       SENSEI
SHH! Damn! Do you want to get
sued?
                                                            
                       SIX-GUN SAM
I reckon this town ain't big
enough for the both of us.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Anyway...it's damn near impossible
to get to this temple it's in.
                                                            
                       PATSY
When in doubt, Map Quest.com!
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Let's do that Dew!
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Wow, that's got to be the dumbest
one liner I've ever heard. I mean,
seriously! I could have eaten
alphabet soup and shit out a
better line!
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Allright, you've made your point!
Let's just go!
                                                            
THE TEMPLE OF THE MYSTIC DEW
                                                            
The Danger Machine pulls up at the foot of the steps leading
up to the temple, which is similar to The Monastery in
appearance. The characters all get out. They nod to each
other, and then dash straight up the steps and right through
the front door.
                                                            
WITHIN THE TEMPLE
                                                            
The characters are alone as they "sneak" through hallway
after hallway. Vigilant Sword steps on a floor panel, and
several spikes shoot out after he is already 10 feet ahead.
Finally, the characters come to a large doorway leading into
the chamber containing the Mystic Dew. Suddenly, three
random ninjas descend from above. Team Boo Ya fights the
ninjas and wins. They proceed into the chamber, where theire
prize sits on an altar surrounded by glowing light.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
      (whispering)
The Mystic Dew...
                                                            

41.

Vigilant Sword apprehensively approaches the altar. He wipes
sweat from his forehead, holds his breath, and quickly
replaces the bottle of Mystic Dew with a bottle of Mello
Yello. He sighs. Just then, an alarm goes off.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Cheese it! It's the fuzz!
                                                            
The team runs like hell out of the chamber and back the way
they came. Just as they exit the temple, the door all the
way back in the altar chamber slams shut and poison gas
fills the now-empty room. When they reach the Danger
Machine, everyone breathes a sigh of relief and Vigilant
Sword puts down the Dew.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Just think - we have the very
thing that could mean Mr. Diablo's
defeat!
                                                            
Everyone turns to the Mystic Dew to see Patsy drinking the
entire bottle.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
SON OF A BITCH! Patsy!!
                                                            
                       PATSY
      (wipes mouth)
Very good Dew! Yes!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Now we don't have the Mystic Dew!
                                                            
                       PATSY
OHHHH! So...want I should not
drink the Dew? So sorry!
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
C'mon guys, let's go...looks like
we'll just have to find another
temple to break into...god, what a
dumbass.
                                                            
                       PATSY (os)
Is not so bad, da? At least was
tastetink good.
                                                            
The sound of Patsy being smacked by several people is heard
off-screen.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X (os)
...dumbass...
                                                            

42.

                       SIX-GUN SAM (os)
Yeehaw!
                                                            
 
EXT. THE MONASTERY - DAY
                                                            
Mitsubishi, Vigilant Sword, and Sushi X are out in the
garage prepping the Danger Machine. Mitsubishi and Vigilant
Sword are checking the last-minute equipment.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Silly string.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Check!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Rope with pointy thing.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Check!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Danger Machine.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Check!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Excellent. Now that everybody and
everything are accounted for,
there's only one thing we have to
do...
                                                            
THE MONASTERY - THE COMMON ROOM
                                                            
A large CROWD of people stand in a circle around Mitsubishi,
who is "chugging" a huge bottle of Mountain Dew.
                                                            
                       CROWD
      (continously)
Chug! Chug! Chug!
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
      (takes his face
       from the bottle)
I can't do it! Ugggh...so...much
soda...
                                                            
OUTSIDE THE MONASTERY
                                                            

43.

Vigilant Sword, Sushi X, and Mitsubishi get into the Danger
Machine and pull out of the garage. Soon they are on the
open road. There is silence for a good minute.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
So...uh...yeah. Hey, how about a
game! Okay, I'm thinking of
someone who is mysterious...he's
invisible...
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
It's me. Now it's my turn. I'm
thinking of someone is extremely
idiotic and is getting really
annoying with his retarded games.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
My games may be retarded, but at
least I'm not a stupid butt face!
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
You're the butt face...BUTT FACE!
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
NUH UH! You are!
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
You are!
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
You are!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Ladies, please! You're both butt
faces! Now let's just put on some
music. I brought this special tape
for such an occasion.
                                                            
Vigilant Sword puts in his tape. It turns out to be Boy
George's "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?" Mitsubishi stops
the tape and throws it out the window. He holds up his own
tape.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Let's use my tape.
                                                            
Mitsubishi puts in his tape of Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant
Song". The four of them sing along to it as they speed
along. Once the song ends, everyone laughs.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Now what?
                                                            

44.

                       MITSUBISHI
Let's play a game!
                                                            
The camera shows the back of the van as it screeches to a
halt. When the dust clears, Mitsubishi is standing in the
middle of the road as the Danger Machine keeps driving.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Oh yeah? Well...I'm gonna get my
own Danger Machine! With
blackjack...and - and hookers!
Awwwh...taxi!
                                                            
 
INT. MR. DIABLO'S FORTRESS - DAY
                                                            
Mr. Diablo sits at his desk in his Inner Sanctum playing
with his Game Boy Advance. Henchmen are hustling and
bustling about, trying to look busy.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Damn it! Get in the damn Pokeball,
you little bitch!
                                                            
As he struggles, #2 6/8 walks briskly into the room carrying
a spiffy looking folder.
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Mr. Diablo, sir, I have extremely
important information for you
regarding our enemy.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
      (throws down Game
       Boy in disgust)
Damn it all to Hell! I simply
cannot "Catch 'em all!" 2 6/8, I
demand that the makers of this
game be brought before me and
executed in the most gruesome way
possible.
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Uh...yes, I will see to that right
away. But right now, I think you
should listen to what I have.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Fine...just let me save my game.
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Sir, "Team Boo Ya", as they call
themselves, is preparing an
            (MORE)

45.

                       2 6/8 (cont'd)
all-out assault on this fortress.
It seems they know about your
extremely clever and original plan
for world domination.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
What?! How did you find this out?
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Why, it's all right here in the
script, sir.
                                                            
#2 6/8 shows Mr. Diablo a copy of the script. The villain
reads a portion of it and bursts out laughing.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Hah hah hah! Tha Mitsubishi is
hilarious...er, I mean, I look
forward to making a delightfully
bloody mess out of that samurai
and the rest of his stupid
friends!
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Frankly sir, if you don't get your
shit together, they'll be making a
bloody mess out of us. Fortress
security is lower than ever.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
How can that be? What about all
those informational pamphlets and
those posters with all the safety
tips on them?
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Well, since you never wanted to
cough up the cash to teach them,
none of the henchmen ever learned
to read or write.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Whatever, as long as they can
handle a firearm, it's fine with
me.
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Well, actually -
                                                            

46.

                       MR. DIABLO
Okay, I get it. It's not my fault.
Diablo Industries just isn't
raking in the dough like it used
to.
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Actually, sir, business is
booming. You just never choose to
spend the money on anything
worthwhile.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Look, let's not get into a huge
debate over who squandered what or
who lost how much at whichever
race, okay? Right now we need to
focus on how we're going to defend
this fortress.
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Glad you should ask, because I've
already come up with several
ideas.
      (pulls out a giant
       map)
First, we post road blocks here
and here. We're going to fill the
moat with water and put piranhas
in the water. Got it so far?
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
A moat...filled with water? That's
genius!
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Yeah, right. We place mine fields
here and here, and stationary guns
in these spots. If those don't
work, we turn the sprinklers on
them.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Sounds good. Hey, what about that
thing marked "Secret Entrance"?
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Oh, that? Well, I figure they'll
leave it alone since there's a
sign on it that says "Please Use
Other Door". I mean, they'll have
to listen to that, right?
                                                            

47.

                       MR. DIABLO
I would. Now what if they make it
inside?
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Oh, well...that's what the
henchmen are for. I figure our
superior number of untrained,
poorly equipped guards will crush
them.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Now, 2 6/8, what if - and this is
just hypothetical - what if they
actually make it to my Inner
Sanctum?
                                                            
                       2 6/8
I plan on rigging your Inner
Sanctum with all kinds of
elaborate traps. As for fighting
them...well, I have a little
surprise for you.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
A surprise! Awesome! What kind of
surprise?
                                                            
#2 6/8 pulls out a small white box with a red button on it.
It has a clip on the back of it to hook on to a belt.
                                                            
                       2 6/8
The guys down in R&D cooked this
up. They call it a "Force Field".
Apparently, it will deflect all
outside physical attacks, as well
as shield you from harmful energy
or radiation. Short of a nuclear
warhead, you're theoretically
impervious.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Oh, sweetness! How does it work?
                                                            
                       2 6/8
I'm not sure. All I know is that
it's similar in design to the
LASER in that it has a really cool
name.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
FORCE FIELD! Yeah, it does. 2 6/8,
you've made me so happy today!
                                                            

48.

                       2 6/8
Sir, your happiness is all the
reward I need. Well, that and a
promotion.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Yes...so happy I could kill you.
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Wha - ?
                                                            
Mr. Diablo pushes a button on his desk. This causes a panel
in the wall to slide up. A henchman in a suit steps out and
guns down #2 6/8 with a machine gun. He nods to Diablo, who
nods back, and steps back into the alcove. The panel slides
down.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Man, I love this job.
                                                            
 
EXT. HIGHWAY IN NORTH DAKOTA - DAY
                                                            
Scene begins as camera pans across an empty, dusty stretch
of highway through the plain, boring lands of North Dakota.
Three vehicles are riding caravan; the Danger Machine,
Sensei's Ford Model T, and Dave's Honda Civic.
                                                            
INTERIOR OF THE DANGER MACHINE
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Are we there yet?
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
No.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
We would be if Sensei didn't drive
like an old man. God, he must be
going 30 miles per hour in a
75-mile zone!
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Why isn't Patsy driving?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
He's Russian.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Oh...that makes sense...I think.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
I have to go to the bathroom!
                                                            

49.

                       VIGILANT SWORD
Shut your trap!
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
But Vigilant Sword!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Don't make me come back there!
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Damn, we better stop. He's going
to piss his pants, I just know it.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
      (sighs)
Fine. God damn you, Mitsubishi.
      (picks up CB radio)
Hey, this is Vigilant Sword, over.
                                                            
                       PATSY (vo)
We read you Vigilant Sword. What
is it, over?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Mitsubishi's gotta go. We gotta
stop somewhere, over.
                                                            
                       SENSEI (vo)
What the hell?! He's as bad as me!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Sensei, you forgot to say "over",
over.
                                                            
                       SENSEI (vo)
Oh, sorry, over.
                                                            
                       SIX-GUN SAM (vo)
I reckon, I reckon
reckon..yeehaw!...over.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Dan, did you get that, over?
                                                            
                       DAVE (vo)
      (through static)
My...is Dave...CB malfunctioning!
Plot...no sense...mongoose...in
middle of road...AAAH...over!
                                                            
Dave swerves and drives right off a bridge.
                                                            

50.

                       MITSUBISHI
Oh my God...what's a mongoose
doing in North Dakota...over?
                                                            
                       SENSEI (vo)
Beat's me, over.
                                                            
                       PATSY (vo)
Look, place for to be stoppink
just ahead!
                                                            
Just ahead is a gas station on the side of the road. There
is a tall sign in front that says:
Carl's Garage
Gas, Munchies, and Auto Repair
Evildoers not Welcome!
There are no other vehicles in sight.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Allright! A gas station! Do you
still have to go?
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
...Yes!
                                                            
The two vehicles pull into the parking lot and everyone gets
out. Mitsubishi begins stretching and groaning loudly.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Finally, we get to stop! We've
been driving for like, 6 hours!
                                                            
                       PATSY
It's only been hour and half.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Oh God, Sushi, I can't feel my
legs. I can't feel my legs!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Let's go ask the proprietor of
this gas station if you can use
the bathroom.
                                                            
At that moment, a nearby garage opens up and CARL himself
walks out, drying his oil-stained hands on an equally
oil-stained rag. He is tall, very wide, and quite hairy. He
also has a bald head and a thick mustache.
                                                            
                       CARL
Eh, what brings you'se guys to my,
uh, humble abode?
                                                            

51.

                       MITSUBISHI
I HAVE TO GO PEE-PEE!
                                                            
                       CARL
Eh, big guy, don't get ya panties
in a bunch. There's a bathroom
round back.
      (tosses him a key)
Use this to, you know, get in.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Oh, thanks, mister.
                                                            
He sprints off to the bathroom.
                                                            
                       CARL
Now don't you be making a mess in
there, y'hear? Bad things are
gonna happen if you do, ya know
what I mean? Ah, forget about it.
                                                            
Carl turns to face the others, who stand there looking at
the mechanic strangely.
                                                            
                       CARL
The rest of you'se guys, how's
about you come inside, have a bite
to eat and drink. Must have been
traveling a while. Ya look like
the inside of my ass, ya know what
I mean?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
No, I don't think I do.
                                                            
                       CARL
Eh, you want me to a do a little,
uh, maintenance on your rides
there? That Ford looks older than
dirt, probably drives like dirt,
too.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Don't you come near my Model T,
you loud-mouthed, sweaty -
                                                            
                       CARL
Eh, forget about it, allrighty?
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
I think we should go on inside.
I'm kind of hungry, myself.
                                                            

52.

They begin to walk inside.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Hey, would you happen to have any
of those, uh...what do you call
'em, Moon Pies?
                                                            
                       CARL
Sure do. Breakfast of Champions!
                                                            
As they all walk into the store, the camera pans up to
reveal one of Mr. Diablo's assassins perched on a buildboard
across the road. He watches the exchange below through his
binoculars. Once the parking lot is clear, he grins and puts
them down. He then quickly picks up a hand-held rocket
launcher. Sighting carefully, he launches an RPG at the
parking lot. All the heroes and Carl come running outside as
the flaming debris, all that's left of the Danger Machine
and the Model T, come crashing down on the pavement.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Holy shit! What happened?!
                                                            
                       PATSY
This is doink of Diablo, I know
it!
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
What do we do now? The Danger
Machine is totalled! We're
screwed!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
I suppose we're close enough to
the fortress to walk there, but I
don't know how we're getting back.
                                                            
                       CARL
Meh, I can fix that.
                                                            
                       SIX-GUN SAM
I reckon?!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
There's nothing left of them!
                                                            
                       CARL
Piece of cake. Two days, tops.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
You must be some sort of dark
magician.
                                                            

53.

                       CARL
You know it. Carl's got the magic
fingers, baby.
                                                            
At that moment, Mitsubishi returns from the bathroom.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Ah man, that feels better! I -
      (he surveys the
       wreckage)
WHAT THE FUDGENUGGET?!
                                                            
                       CARL
F-fudgenugget? That...word.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
What? Sensei would kill me if I
dropped an f-bomb.
                                                            
Suddenly, Carl falls to his knees clutching his head. He
lets out a painful moan. After a few seconds, his head snaps
up. His eyes have a wild, deranged look on them.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Dude, are you alright?
                                                            
Carl runs back into the store.
                                                            
                       PATSY
Where are you goink?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Whavever you're doing, it better
have something to do with fixing
our rides!
                                                            
INSIDE THE STORE
                                                            
They follow Carl into his store, no different than any 7-11.
Suddenly, out of nearby closet, jumps Carl, dressed as
Batman. The suit was obviously meant for someone half his
size; his gut hangs out exposed over his utility belt and
his disturbingly tight pants. He takes a heroic pose.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
What strange devilry is this? What
kind of mechanic are you?
                                                            
                       CARL
No mechanic am I, good sir! I'M
BATMAN!
                                                            

54.

                       MITSUBISHI
Really? Awesome!
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
He's not Batman.
                                                            
                       SIX-GUN SAM
I reckon.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
We don't have time for these
stupid games. You're supposed to
be fixing our ruined vehicles!
                                                            
                       CARL
What? You think Batman would stoop
to a task as low as auto repair?
At this very moment, the Joker or
Twoface are no doubt plotting some
dastardly deeds. The Dark Knight
cannot spare a single moment
chatting with the likes of you!
                                                            
Carl then begins running around, collecting "equipment".
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
We need him to fix our rides! Now
what do we do?
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Hey guys, look at this!
                                                            
He stands in front of a glass panel on the wall covering a
large button. Under the panel is a notice that says "In case
of Batman, break glass." Mitsubishi smashes the glass and
pushes the button.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Did it do anything?
                                                            
At that moment, two men dressed in white uniforms, like
those worn by caretakers at a mentaly institution, come
rushing into the store.
                                                            
                       CARETAKER #1
Oh, not again!
                                                            
                       CARETAKER #2
I've got the straitjacket ready.
                                                            

55.

                       CARL
So once again, the Joker has sent
his minions after me. Well, it'll
take more than two to stop Batman!
                                                            
The two caretakers begin to chase Carl around the room, with
no success.
                                                            
                       CARETAKER #2
Do we have to go through this
every time?
                                                            
                       CARETAKER #1
      (to Mitsubishi and
       Vigilant Sword)
You two, block the doors!
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Is this a common occurence here?
                                                            
                       CARETAKER #1
We thought he was cured!
                                                            
                       CARETAKER #2
I knew it was a bad idea to take
him off the medication.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Medication time? Ooh gimme gimme!
                                                            
                       PATSY
Not for you, old man.
                                                            
                       CARETAKER #2
Oh shit, he's going for the
window!
                                                            
                       CARL
Batman, away!
                                                            
He leaps through a nearby window, just barely fitting
through.
                                                            
                       CARETAKER #1
Everyone after him!
                                                            
OUTSIDE THE STORE
                                                            
They all rush outside to see Carl picking himself up off the
ground.
                                                            
                       CARL
To the Batmobile!
                                                            

56.

Carl runs to the garage, but stops short as Six-Gun Sam
steps in front of him, hands near his guns like he's ready
for a shootout.
                                                            
                       SIX-GUN SAM
This town ain't big enough for the
both of us...I reckon.
                                                            
                       CARL
Another enemy prepared to test
Batman's mettle? But wait...is
that kryptonite I sense? Oh no!
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Uh, that's Superman, dipshit.
                                                            
                       CARL
Don't tell Batman what Batman
don't know. Now stand aside, or I
shall have to disarm you.
                                                            
                       SIX-GUN SAM
      (grits teeth,
       spits)
Yeehaw...
                                                            
At that moment, the caretakers tackle Carl from behind. Sam
just shrugs, still posing. Caretaker #2 struggles to put a
straitjacket on him while #1 pulls out a syringe and
prepares it.
                                                            
                       CARETAKER #1
Keep him steady so I can inject
it!
                                                            
                       CARETAKER #2
C'mon Batman, just hold still.
                                                            
Caretaker #1 manages to stick Carl with the needle, who
immediately starts twitching.
                                                            
                       CARL
You win this time Joker...this
time!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Is he going to be okay?
                                                            
                       CARETAKER #2
Oh yeah, he'll wake up in about 30
minutes with no memory of being
Batman. This is routine procedure.
                                                            

57.

Then, without another word or even a goodbye, the caretakers
leave as suddenly as they appeared.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
So...what? Do we just leave him?
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
I'm going to get a hot dog!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Me two!
                                                            
                       PATSY
Patsy love hot dog!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Feed me, Patsy! Feed me!
                                                            
The heroes all walk back into the store while Carl lies on
the ground, twitching.
                                                            
 
EXT. HIGHWAY IN NORTH DAKOTA - DAY
                                                            
Team Boo Ya has left Carl's Garage and is en route to Mr.
Diablo's Fortress. The sun is beating down on them as they
walk (or wheel) in silence. They wear looks of boredom and
discomfort. Occasionally, one of the characters will sigh or
wipe their foreheads. Suddenly, Patsy begins talking.
                                                            
                       PATSY
You know, I have been thinking.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
What, Patsy?
                                                            
                       PATSY
I think I have figured out true
villain behind evil plot.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
      (sighs)
Who, Patsy? If not Mr. Diablo,
then who is behind this nefarious
scheme to take over Canada? Who is
ruthless and evil enough to carry
out the mass extermination of an
entire people just to suit his own
selfish goals?
                                                            
                       PATSY
...It's moose and squirrel!
                                                            

58.

All are silent for a good twenty seconds.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
...Shut the hell up, Patsy.
                                                            
                       PATSY
What? They are very dangerous! I
lose many comrades to them!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Shut the hell up, Patsy!
                                                            
                       PATSY
There was this one time that Boris
and Natasha made this death ray...
                                                            
                       ALL
Shut the hell up, Patsy!
                                                            
                       PATSY
      (mutters to self)
...you know it didn't really work
to well, it ended up blowing up in
their faces and then moose and
squirrel got away and then there
was a commercial, and then...
                                                            
                       SENSEI
      (smacks Patsy)
Look Patsy, if you don't shut up,
I'm going to blow you up with my
mind. Do you want me to blow you
up with my mind?
                                                            
                       PATSY
Fine! You no want my opinion, I no
give it to you. See if I
care...bitches.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
      (starts to draw
       sword)
What did you say?
                                                            
                       PATSY
Oh, what, you want I should kick
your ass? Bring it on, dickhead!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Oh, it's on now!
                                                            

59.

                       SUSHI X
I think we should kick him out of
the cast!
                                                            
                       PATSY
You going to kick me out of the
cast? This movie suck balls
anyway. I mean, Canadian samurai?
Give me a break! Who wrote this
shit?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
      (raises hand)
All of you, stop bickering. Look
up ahead!
                                                            
Ahead is a large road block. About 20 heavily armed guards
stand in front of it. Mounted machine guns sit in
emplacements on the side of the road. There are even men
with RPGs.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Oh, fudgenuggets!
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
What do we do now, Sensei?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Our enemy has left an obstacle for
us. This will require careful
planning and strategy. All of you,
I need time to meditate on this
situation and find a solution.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Oh look, there's a McDonalds!
Let's go get some McNuggets!
                                                            
Mitsubishi, Vigilant Sword, and Sushi X head over to the
McDonald's.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Hmm...what would Yoda do?
                                                            
                       PATSY
Hey, master, I have idea!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Not now, Patsy. This will require
all my power to get us through.
                                                            

60.

                       PATSY
I have powers too, master. You
want I should show them?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Maybe later.
                                                            
                       PATSY
Please?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Fine...show me your full power.
                                                            
                       PATSY
Okey-dokey. Here goes nothing.
                                                            
Patsy assumes a stance of pure concentration. He stands,
face bunched up like he's taking a shit, for several
minutes. Sensei checks his watch. Suddenly Patsy lets out a
loud yell. Cut to a scene from Dragonball Z with one of the
characters performing their apocalyptic death attack. Then,
cut to stock footage of a mushroom cloud. The road block is
completely obliterated.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
      (stares
       slack-jawed in
       awe)
...What the hell was that?
                                                            
                       PATSY
Oh, you want I should not have
blown up bad guys?
                                                            
Sensei shakes his head in disbelief as the others come
running back from the McDonald's.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
That was the shiznit! How did you
do that?
                                                            
                       PATSY
      (scratches head)
Hmm...must be Mountain Dew I
drank.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
The Mystic Dew...
                                                            
                       PATSY
Oh, yeah, yeah, the Mystic Dew.
                                                            

61.

                       SENSEI
Could...could you do that again?
                                                            
                       PATSY
I don't know...maybe.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Hey...could you nuke the Vigilant
Sword? No one likes him anyway.
                                                            
This is met with cheers of agreement, even from Vigilant
Sword.
                                                            
                       PATSY
Okay, I try.
                                                            
Once again, he assumes the pose and concentrates hard on
Vigilant Sword. After a minute or so, he finally farts,
rather loudly. A dumb grin crosses his face.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
      (clutches nose)
Patsy, you sick bastard! What did
you eat?
                                                            
                       PATSY
Oopskabibbles!
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
That is the foulest stench I have
ever smelled! I should kill you!
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Yeah, plus Vigilant Sword isn't
dead!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
You suck, Patsy!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Hmm...it would seem all of the
concentrated Dew energy was
released in that single blast.
Does anyone else have any Mystic
Dew?
                                                            
Everyone shakes their head.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
I've got some Mystic Toilet Water.
That might work.
                                                            

62.

                       PATSY
      (thinks for a
       moment)
...Okay, I try that.
                                                            
Mitsubishi hands over a bottle of toilet water which Patsy
then quaffs. After a few seconds, he spits it out in
disgust.
                                                            
                       PATSY
Blecch! That tastes worse than
Sprite Remix! It wasn't even
magical!
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
      (laughing
       hysterically)
Oh my God! You are the dumbest son
of bitch I've ever seen!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Hey folks, the evil forces aren't
going to thwart themselves. Let's
get moving.
                                                            
 
EXT. MR. DIABLO'S FORTRESS - DAY
                                                            
About an hour after passing the roadblock, Team Boo Ya
finally arrives in front of Mr. Diablo's fortress. Having
just breached a hill, the towering fortress looms above
them. About half a mile farther lie the main gates. The
characters look weary but determined now that they have
reached their destination.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Man, that's a big tower!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
We stand on the doorstep of our
enemy. Let's go introduce
ourselves; we wouldn't want to be
rude guests.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
No doubt he will have left a trap
for us. This very field is
probably riddled with land mines.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I propose we leave before we die.
                                                            

63.

                       SENSEI
Dan, the path to redemption leads
through hell.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Redemption? What the hell are you
talking about?
                                                            
                       PATSY
Is sayink that you are to run
through mine field.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Yeah, uh, how about no?
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
C'mon Dan! You're the only one who
can do it! Mines are deadly to us!
                                                            
                       DAVE
You're all deranged! Why don't you
send the friggin' cowboy?! He's
barely got three lines!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Look Dan, I know you're afraid,
but sometimes facing our fears is
the only way to -
                                                            
Vigilant Sword is cut off by a loud gunshot. A bullet hole
appears in the ground an inch from Dave's foot. They look
over to see Six-Gun Sam holding a smoking gun. He shrugs,
and begins shooting wildly at Dave's feet, forcing him to
run.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (eyes clamped shut
       as he runs)
Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh God, I'm
gonna die! This really sucks! I'm-
                                                            
Dave is cut off as he runs face first into the iron gate.
Dazed, he climbs back to his feet holding his head. The
others have walked across the field to stand by the gate as
well.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Oh...my face.
      (looks behind him)
Hey, what gives? How come I'm not
a pile of charred flesh?
                                                            

64.

                       MITSUBISHI
C'mon Dan - do you really think
we'd suffer a death as lame as
this? That we'd all be blown to
hell and that would be the end of
the...uh...adventure?
                                                            
                       DAVE
So, wait - it's okay for me to
fall off a bridge repeatedly, but
not okay to be blown up by mines?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Careful - you're just asking to be
thrown off a bridge.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
So how do we get past this gate?
                                                            
As if in response, the gate swings silently open. The
characters shrug and walk into the courtyard in front of the
entrance to the fortress proper. All is eerily quiet.
Abruptly, Mr. Diablo's voice cuts in over an intercom.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO (vo)
I see you all have finally made it
to my fortress of evil.
Impressive, no? I hope for you all
to introduce yourselves in person.
But now, let me introduce some of
my friends.
                                                            
The doors to the fortress swing open, and a swarming mass of
henchmen pour out of it. They stop ten feet from the heroes,
weapons at the ready. They do not utter a single word.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Mitsubishi, are you thinking what
I'm thinking?
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Yeah, I have an odd craving for
bubble gum, but seeing as I have
none on my person, let's just kick
some ass!
                                                            
Mitsubishi runs straight at a henchman. The poor guy pauses,
gulps, and tries to defend himself at the last minute as
Mitsubishi jumps over him, draws his sword in mid-air, and
slices him in two on the way down. Immediately, the rest of
the henchmen charge into battle.
                                                            

65.

                       SENSEI
Excellent work. Of course, in the
grand scheme of things, killing
one henchman doesn't really make a
dent. You have to do something
like this! Patsy, attend to me!
                                                            
Patsy wheels Sensei into the mass of cannon fodder. Sensei
performs exotic trips with his staff, felling all of them.
He then proceeds to wheel over their spines. The other
heroes are also getting into it...
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Die scum!
      (cleaves one from
       shoulder to hip)
Taste my fury!
                                                            
Vigilant Sword backflips off a henchman's chest, leaving him
to take a bullet. He then throws his sword into the gut of
another. Pulling out his twin nickel-plated .45's, he blows
out the kneecaps of another dozen, leaving them to be
crushed by Sensei.
                                                            
                       SIX-GUN SAM
YEEHAW, I reckon!
                                                            
He shoots wildly into the air, missing all of them. However,
as several henchmen wielding katanas charge him, they step
on a land mine which was accidentally placed in the
courtyard. Debris and body parts rain down around Six-Gun
Sam as he attempts to twirl his guns.
                                                            
                       SIX-GUN SAM
This town wasn't big enough for
the...twelve of us.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Time to kick it up a notch.
                                                            
A number of henchmen are "mysteriously" disarmed, slammed
into each other, and cut into assorted bite-size pieces. A
few are kneed in the crotch, becoming more victims of
Sensei.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Damn! Too bad he's invisible, I
would have loved to see how
he...oh! That had to hurt!
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
That's not right...
                                                            

66.

                       PATSY
Am not thinkink is possible by
laws of nature, but hey, how much
else makes sense?
                                                            
                       DAVE
THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING! WHY
DOESN'T HE GET THROWN OFF A
BRIDGE!
                                                            
Dave gets thrown off a bridge.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Nice work, Patsy, that's some
Class-A chucking.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Alright, time to finish this.
                                                            
Mitsubishi's fighting intesifies. He disarms a henchman with
a spinning kick, and then plants his sword into his face. He
then throws the corpse off his sword into two other
henchmen, flips over their heads, and detaches their spines
with a swift backslash. He then finds himself surrounded by
ten henchmen pointing Thompson's at him. Mitsubishi smiles,
and then simply sinks to the floor in a split as they
proceed to gun each other down, their trigger fingers stuck
in death.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
That was pretty sweet!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Yes, but was it worth the price?
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
      (grabbing crotch)
No...ah...ooh...
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Dude, that must be painful.
                                                            
                       PATSY
Ha-ha, silly stunt is doink
Nutcracker in pants. Gettink it,
Nutcracker? Ha ha ha...oh, am
killink myself.
                                                            
The triumphant Team Boo Ya enters the fortress.
                                                            
 

67.

INT. MR. DIABLO'S FORTRESS - DAY
                                                            
Inside the fortress, the heroes find themselves with no
further resistance. Puzzled they proceed through the lobby
and get in the elevator. Vigilant Sword presses the button
for the top floor, but the lift automatically stops at the
next one.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO (vo)
It's time for the next test.
                                                            
The door opens and the heroes find themselves in a large
room made up to look like a desert. There are even fake
cacti as well as "graves" in several spots in the room. The
tombstone above one of them reads "Six-Gun Sam".
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO (vo)
Welcome to the first death room!
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
What's your game, Mr. Diablo?
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO (vo)
A game? How quaint...you are all
going to die. I've hired
specialized assassins for you,
each, like you, each, against you.
They are your opposites in every
moral aspect and your betters in
every martial one. Now please
meet...Eight-Gun Eddie.
                                                            
A man walks out. He is dressed all in black, like a cheesy
Western villain. He even has a curly moustache.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO (vo)
He has a better gun, better
wardrobe, and...better one-liners
than you, Samuel. All he has to do
is outlast you.
                                                            
                       EIGHT-GUN EDDIE
Just try and stop me, Six-Gun Sam!
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Are you sure you want to fight
him, Sam?
                                                            

68.

                       SIX-GUN SAM
      (with a glint in
       his eye)
I reckon...I reckon I reckon,
yeehaw, I reckon, I reckon reckon
reckon...I RECKON!
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
That was so beautiful...
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
We can't let his sacrifice be in
vain. Let's go!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
He was a hero to the last. We need
to stop this madness, and by God
we will!
                                                            
The rest of the heroes get back into the elevator.
                                                            
                       EIGHT-GUN EDDIE
Muahaha, you have no chance!
                                                            
                       SIX-GUN SAM
This town ain't big enough for the
both of us.
                                                            
                       EIGHT-GUN EDDIE
Just try and stop me, Six-Gun Sam!
                                                            
                       SIX-GUN SAM
Yeehaw, I reckon.
                                                            
INSIDE THE ELEVATOR
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Poor guy, I liked his upbeat
approach to life, eh?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Don't worry, that idiot won't get
killed.
                                                            
                       PATSY
Ah, you be knowink sometink, you
kaputnick old bastard?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Diablo wants Eight-Gun to win by
having two more bullets in his
gun. What he forgot is, the
showdown of the villain and hero
            (MORE)

69.

                       SENSEI (cont'd)
in a Western is a quick-draw,
after a long staredown.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO (vo)
Oh, crap...
                                                            
THE DESERT ROOM
                                                            
                       SIX-GUN SAM
I reckon this town ain't big
enough for the both of us...
                                                            
                       EIGHT-GUN EDDIE
Muahaha, you have no chance! Just
try and stop me, Six-Gun Sam!
                                                            
They stare each other down. Eight-Gun continously twirls his
moustache and spits tobacco. Six-Gun flares his nostrils and
grits his teeth. After a minute, Mr. Diablo cuts in.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO (vo)
Hurry it up! We've got other
scenes to shoot!
                                                            
The two finally draw their guns and go into "bullet time".
They each shoot six shots and hit each other once before
collapsing to their knees.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO (vo)
Ha, shows you, old fool! Quick,
finish him off!
                                                            
Just then, a fake cactus, shot by Six-Gun Sam, collapses on
Eight-Gun, knocking him into a grave marked "Eight-Gun
Eddie". Sam then shoots the cactus into the grave with him,
blows on his gun, and falls to the floor, dead.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO (vo)
Oh, for the love of all things
evil...
                                                            
 
INT. MR. DIABLO'S FORTRESS - DAY
                                                            
Team Boo Ya waits in the elevator to reach the next floor.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO (vo)
I'll admit, your idiot friend
Six-Gun Sam was clever, though
that didn't help him. Seriously,
was he insane? There're cures for
those things, I know.
                                                            

70.

                       VIGILANT SWORD
More like you wouldn't know! You
know, because you're crazy?
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO (vo)
Now, now, don't worry. There will
be plenty of chances for your
comrades to die, Vigilant Dork.
Why don't you step into the next
room? I think you'll find it quite
to your...tastes?
                                                            
The door opens, and the heroes move into the next room,
which is built like the Iron Chef arena. A short Asian man
stands by a table.
                                                            
                       TEMPURA Z
Hello there.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
So, who are you supposed to kill?
                                                            
                       TEMPURA Z
      (points to thin
       air)
That one.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
No way, he can see me!
                                                            
                       TEMPURA Z
More accurately, I can't see
anything. I am...Tempura Z!
                                                            
This is followed a mad bass riff, and a mysterious voice
that whispers "Tempura ZZZzzzz..."
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Tempura? That stuff isn't even
close to the caliber of sushi!
It's not even authentic!
                                                            
                       TEMPURA Z
Maybe you should expand your
tastes, ahah, ahah. But now, we
must do battle!
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Ha, you can't see, how are you
supposed to win?
                                                            

71.

                       TEMPURA Z
Fool. I just told you, seeing
doesn't matter to me!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Wow, I didn't think Diablo would
be idiotic enough to send a blind
man to fight someone!
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO (vo)
You'll see...soon enough.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Whatever, now die!
                                                            
He charges at Tempura Z, who promptly hits him with a frying
pan.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Damn it!
                                                            
                       TEMPURA Z
I don't need sight. My other
senses are strong now. Including
my sense of taste and smell,
making me twice the chef you are!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
He's got a point. That deep-fried
shrimp looks awful tempting.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
      (kicks Vigilant
       Sword)
Shut up, damn you! If it's a cook
of you want, it's a cook-off
you'll get!
                                                            
                       TEMPURA Z
But I didn't -
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Yeah, a cook-off! I finally get to
eat something! I'll judge!
                                                            
                       DAVE
Shoot me right now.
                                                            
                       PATSY
Is not so simple, friend.
                                                            
Dave gets thrown off a bridge.

72.


Mitsubishi walks over to a table with a large box on it. He
proceeds to remove items from the box.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Today's secret ingredients
are...poisonous mushrooms!
Poisonous blowfish! Poisonous
poison-dart frog! Marshmallow
fluff!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
You'll kill us all!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Dear lord, no...
                                                            
                       PATSY
Marshmallow fluff!
                                                            
A cooking montage begins showing Sushi X and Tempura Z
preparing their dishes. The montage ends 5 seconds later.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Ah, the hour just flew by.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
It's only been 5 seconds.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Time's up!
                                                            
The two contestants bring out their trays. Mitsubisi sniffs
them and begins to eat.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Mmmfh, yeah, poisonous, poisonous,
fluffy, dangerously cheesy, a
party in my mouth, deadly
toxicity, and...bleaugh!
                                                            
Mitsubishi collapses to the floor.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Whose dish was he eating?
                                                            
                       PATSY
Poison dart frog wrapped in green
sprigs, wit blowfish fillet on
side, and mushroom base, topped by
heaping pile of fluff...is Sushi
X's!
                                                            

73.

                       SENSEI
The winner, by knockout, Sushi X!
                                                            
                       TEMPURA Z
No! I put all the poisons in
there! How could I fail?
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
You shunned the righteous path of
sushido. To retain any honor, you
know what you must do...
                                                            
                       TEMPURA Z
Yes, sushiku, the sacred
suicide...Oww! That really hurt!
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
You don't usually use a cheese
grater for sushiku.
                                                            
                       TEMPURA Z
Aaah!
                                                            
He runs wildly, trips, and falls into a giant deep-fryer.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO (vo)
Damn you to the bowels of bloody
hell! I mean, well done. But let's
see how you fare against me!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
I thought you had an assassin for
each of us.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO (vo)
Yeah, well...shut up!
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
      (wakes up)
Did I miss anything, guys?
                                                            
 
INT. MR. DIABLO'S FORTRESS - DAY
                                                            
The elevator finally stops at the top floor. The heroes come
out in a short hallway that leads to a staircase leading up.
On the walls are portraits of Mr. Diablo or his father, Mr.
Bojangles. They are met with no further resistence as they
dash up the stairs and find themselves in Diablo's Inner
Sanctum. It is a large chamber with stone pillars along the
sides and bookcases along the walls. At the other end of the
room is a tall cathedral window with a desk in front of it.
Mr. Diablo himself stands there, looking out the window.
                                                            

74.

                       MR. DIABLO
      (turns around)
Could you guys be any louder? I
mean, geez, for a bunch of ninja
samurai people, you would expect a
bit more...oh, I don't
know...stealth? Let's just make
this quick, I have a headache.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Oh, well I've got some aspirin in
my samurai pouch.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Mitsubishi...that's a fanny pack.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
No...it's a samur -
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Fanny pack.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Fine, we'll compromise...it's a
fanny pouch.
                                                            
Vigilant Sword slaps Mitsubishi in the back of the head.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Ow! Damn it!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Diablo, we've had enough of your
demagogue ruling! Count the
shells!
                                                            
Vigilant Sword draws his pistols and empties two whole
clips. The bullets seem to ricochet a foot away from Mr.
Diablo.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Oh, did I forget to mention - I
have a LASER defense field...of
force.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
What is it with the whole LASER
thing? I ran into one of your
henchmen a while ago who did the
same thing!
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
What thing?
                                                            

75.

                       VIGILANT SWORD
You know...
      (sighs)
...LASERS!
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
I don't know what you're talking
about.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Forget about it.
                                                            
                       DAVE
A force field? That's original.
You couldn't think of something
better? You can't fight us without
having us a foot away? You are the
gayest villain ever. I...
                                                            
Dave realizes that everyone is staring at him.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I am such an idiot...
                                                            
Dave gets thrown off a bridge.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Now...count my shells, BITCH!
                                                            
Mr. Diablo whips out two automatic pistols and starts firing
with wild abandon. The heroes break formation and scatter.
Patsy hides behind Diablo's desk, leaving Sensei where he
his. Vigilant Sword rolls behind a pillar. Mitsubishi draws
his sword and begins blocking and evading the bullets.
Diablo realizes that Mitsubishi has backed into a corner by
mistake. He flips the desk, revealing Patsy lying in the
fetal position, and pushes it toward Mitsubishi, trapping
him. The others watch helplessly as Diablo walks towards
Mitsubishi, raises his gun, and fires.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Your firepower will not hurt my
apprentice!
                                                            
Sensei is holding up his hand, and the bullet is suspended
motionless in the air.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
How did you stop that bullet?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
I don't know! I'm not doing it! My
arm is having a spasm!
                                                            

76.

                       SUSHI X
It's my fault. Sorry everybody! I
saw this "stop time" switch...
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Hey, don't touch that!
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Okay, just let me flip this...
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Sushi! No!
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
It's okay. My head's out of the
way.
                                                            
Sushi flips the switch. The bullet hits the wall.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
I don't have time for this! If you
want to fight for real, meet me in
my special battle room in the
basement. Hasta luego!
                                                            
Mr. Diablo spins around shooting at the floor, attempting to
"cut out" a circular section (just like in Underworld). When
he stops, nothing happens.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
      (jumping up and
       down)
Come on...COME ON! COME ON DAMN
IT!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Well, uh...we'll just show
ourselves out...I guess.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
      (stops and turns
       to them)
Would you? This is so embarassing.
                                                            
Team Boo Ya files out the door and comes back down the
stairs. Before they reach the elevator, Mitsubishi stops and
holds up a bottle of aspirin.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Hey guys, I found the aspirin.
                                                            
The circular piece of ceiling that Mr. Diablo shot falls on
top of Mitsubishi.
                                                            
 

77.

INT. MR. DIABLO'S FORTRESS - DAY
                                                            
Team Boo Ya finds themselves in the elevator once again,
this time heading for the basement where the climactic
battle against Mr. Diablo is to take place.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
You know, I'm getting really
friggin' tired of riding this
elevator back and forth.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
You could always take the stairs.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
The stairs? Now who's the idiot?
                                                            
They all laugh at this. Finally, the elevator reaches the
basement level. The heroes step out into Mr. Diablo's Battle
Room. It is decorated like a traditional dojo. Waiting for
them is another group of henchmen, albeit a much smaller
one.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
These guys never learn, do they?
                                                            
The heroes dispatch the henchmen in less than a minute. As
the last henchman falls, Mr. Diablo appears on a balcony
overlooking the entire room. He is dressed in samurai gear
similar to Mitsubishi's, only...evil. A long sword is
sheathed on his side.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Oh, how impressive. But you know
what it's missing?
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Oh, I know - a giant spider!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
      (points his gun at
       Mitsubishi)
I swear to God Mitsubishi, say one
more stupid thing. DO IT! I will
kill you myself!
      (turns his head to
       face Diablo)
Alright, Mr. Diablo. You brought
us down here, let's have it.
                                                            
Mitsubishi sidesteps out of the path of Vigilant Sword's
gun.
                                                            

78.

                       MITSUBISHI
Snoochie-Bootchies!
                                                            
Vigilant Sword fires but misses Mitsubishi.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
This party is missing a worthy
adversary, and I know just the
remedy.
                                                            
Mr. Diablo somersaults off the balcony and lands on his
feet.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Does this place seem familiar to
you, Mitsubishi? It's an exact
replica of the dojo where I
watched my father whip your
father's ass! And now, it's time
for history to repeat itself!
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
      (steps forward)
He's mine, guys! I've got a score
to settle! Just don't cry when I
cut off your foot and shove it up
your ass, Diablo!
                                                            
The others move to the side of the room. Mitsubishi and Mr.
Diablo face each other and bow. They unsheathe their swords.
Circling each other, they make quick jabs at the other, so
as to test their enemy's defense. Growing impatient,
Mitsubishi finally decides to launch an all-out attack.
Diablo parries each one deftly, and when Mitsubishi brings
his blade down in an overhead chop, they lock blades
briefly.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
You need more training!
                                                            
Mr. Diablo hurls Mitsubishi to the ground, who rolls to the
right just in time to avoid being impaled. He leaps to his
feet and presses his attack with renewed vigor. Mr. Diablo
begins to toy with Mitsubishi, whipping him in the ass with
his sword and tripping him up with his foot. Finally, Diablo
grabs Mitsubishi by the throat and holds him aloft
victoriously.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
You know, I am feeling merciless
today. You will not die by my
blade but by sharks with LASERS
attached to their heads.
                                                            

79.

Mr. Diablo throws him to the ground, then backs up a good
twenty feet. He produces a remote from his pocket and
presses a button. The dojo floor opens up, revealing a
large, empty pool of water.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Wait. Where are my damn sharks?
                                                            
                       2 6/8
      (appears on the
       balcony)
Sorry, sir, but it seems that joke
has already been used. Therefore
making it not funny.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
Damn...well, do we have anything?
                                                            
                       2 6/8
We do have a flusher.
                                                            
                       MR. DIABLO
A flusher?
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Yes, observe.
                                                            
2 6/8 walks to the wall and presses a button marked
"Man-Handling Guards". A group of guards appear and
"man-handle" Team Boo Ya. They throw the team into the empty
tank. 2 6/8 then presses another button and a flume ride car
falls into the tank from the ceiling. The heroes shrug and
stare at it inquisitively. Several seconds go by.
                                                            
                       2 6/8
Oh, I forgot.
                                                            
2 6/8 presses another button and a soothing electronic
woman's voice is heard over the intercom.
                                                            
                       SOOTHING VOICE (vo)
Please step inside the car in an
orderly fashion.
                                                            
The heroes shrug again and climb inside.
                                                            
                       SOOTHING VOICE
Wait for a guard to help you
fasten your seatbelt.
                                                            
Four guards come over to the tank and check the seatbelts.
                                                            

80.

                       MITSUBISHI
Wait! I can't do mine!
                                                            
A guard sighs and comes over to help.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
I need an adult! This guard just
touched my who-who dillie!
                                                            
                       GUARD
Well, I am a "man-handling" guard.
                                                            
                       SOOTHING VOICE
Now that everyone is safely
buckled, we shall proceed. Keep
your hands, feet, and other
objects in the car at all times.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Ha ha! That means you, Sensei!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Quiet, pansy! At least I have one!
                                                            
A drain opens in the tank and the car is launched onto a
water track. They are twisted around fast and vigorously.
The flume ride spirals out through the sublevels of the
fortress, the heroes laughing all the way (or cowering in
Patsy's case). Eventually, the track begins to incline. With
a rush, the car plummets over the huge drop.
                                                            
                       ALL
SWEEEEEEEET!!!
                                                            
Near the bottom of the descent, a flash from a camera
brightens the dark tunnel. The scene freezes momentarily to
show the snapshot; Vigilant Sword is screaming wildly,
Sensei is asleep, Mitsubishi and Patsy are holding each
other, and Sushi X is invisible. The action continues, and
instead of stopping like most flume rides, the car continues
forward and is jettisoned out of the fortress. The car
travels a good half-mile through the air and lands safely on
the side of the road. The heroes get out of the car
silently, and after a couple seconds, they burst out
laughing. They do not notice the drifter with a guitar
standing nearby.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Dude, we should try to break in
again just to do that!
                                                            

81.

                       SENSEI
Yes, but we really must return to
the monastery and recover from
this defeat.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Yeah, I wasn't expecting to get my
ass kicked so easily. If only I
knew Diablo's one weakness...oh
well, let's go get burritos!
                                                            
                       WALTER
Did you say...
      (strums guitar)
Diablo?
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
...No, I'm pretty sure I said
      (strums air guitar)
burritos
                                                            
                       WALTER
Well, yes, but you did say Diablo.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
I'm positive I said burritos.
                                                            
                       WALTER
Yes, but before that! Didn't you
say Diablo?
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Oh...well, yeah!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Wait...who the hell are you?
                                                            
                       WALTER
I am called...Walter! I have some
infomation you might want about
that over-grown leech Diablo.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Okay...Mitsubishi, step away from
the crazy man.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Wait, I think this guy's serious!
                                                            
                       WALTER
      (breaks into song)
Your enemy is very bad, and he's
planning something worse. He's
            (MORE)

82.

                       WALTER (cont'd)
gonna go down to Hell and put the
world into a curse.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Wait, why'd you stop?
                                                            
Walter shakes a can with the words "Feed Me" on it.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
      (sighs)
Everyone empty your pockets!
                                                            
The team comes up with nothing. They all turn to Sensei.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
I don't have any cash! I'm old!
                                                            
                       PATSY
Yeah, and you pick people's
pockets, you lying bastard!
                                                            
Patsy turns Sensei upside down. Approximately two and a half
shitloads of cash flow out of his robe.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Is that enough?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
      (muttering)
Russian dickwad...
                                                            
Walter starts playing again. However, a Western voice
narrates over him.
                                                            
                       WESTERN VOICE (vo)
Well, faster than you can say
"shallow grave", the drifter told
them that the only weapon that
could harm Mr. Diablo was the
magical Blade of the Maple Leaf.
He also explained how to enter the
fortress with a little more
stealth. Ahh, that Team Boo Ya...
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Hey, who is that?
      (points at camera)
Was it you?
                                                            
                       WESTERN VOICE (vo)
      (masks voice)
Uhh...no it was him.
                                                            

83.

An arm appears in front of the camera pointing in the other
direction.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
      (looks where he's
       pointing)
Where?
                                                            
                       WESTERN VOICE (vo)
      (Three Stooges
       style)
Ah whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Let's go before this gets weirder.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Yeah...
                                                            
 
INT. THE MONASTERY - DAY
                                                            
The heroes are resting in the common room, recovering from
their defeat at Diablo's fortress. Mitsubishi sits on the
couch watching TV. Dave is on a recliner drinking a beer.
Vigilant Sword is on the computer. Sensei is receiving a
back massage from Patsy.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Aw yeah, baby...work it. Just like
that.
                                                            
                       PATSY
You don't pay me enough for this,
horny old man.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Hey, shut up! I'm trying to watch
Sesame Street! They're explaining
the number 9!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Man, I can't believe we got beat
that easily.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Yeah, and how the hell are we
going to find this "Blade of the
Maple Leaf"?
                                                            

84.

                       SENSEI
      (clears throat)
Uh, Mitsubishi? You already have
it.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
      (pulls out sword)
Wow, that's pretty sweet! Look,
there's a maple leaf on one side
and a cherry blossom on the other!
And it's so shiny! Wait...if I had
the Blade of the Maple Leaf all
along, how come I lost to Diablo?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Because you suck. Killing mailmen
is one thing, but fighting an
actual villain is another.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Will you ever shut up about that?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
No. And furthermore -
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
      (enters room)
Hey guys! I've got very important
news to share with you all.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
What's up, Sushi?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Mitsubishi, turn down the TV.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Well, although Patsy drank most of
it, there were a few drops of the
Mystic Dew left in the bottle. So,
at Sensei's request, I used my mad
skillz to analyze the ingredients.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
And?
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Regular Mountain Dew, lots of
cocaine...and nutmeg.
                                                            
                       PATSY
Oh yes! You can really be tastink
the nutmeg!
                                                            

85.

                       DAVE
What is this, a commercial for
Mountain Dew? It's not even that
great! Mello Yellow's better.
                                                            
Dave gets thrown off a bridge.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
So, what does this mean?
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
It means we can make as much
Mystic Dew as we want! You all saw
what it's capable of! If we all
had some, Diablo wouldn't stand a
chance!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
I don't think so.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
What do you mean?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Well, I went to www.mysticdew.com
and did a little research.
Apparently, it's incredibly toxic
to about 99% of the population. A
rare 1%, namely angry Russian male
nurses, have the unique genetic
ability to convert the poison into
raw energy.
                                                            
                       PATSY
Sweetness!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Yes, and there's more. It seems
different kinds of Dew confer
different powers. Regular Dew
let's him spit acid. Code Red lets
him throw fireballs. Livewire lets
him launch electricity. Blue Shock
allows him to freeze people. And
Pitch Black...allows him to vomit.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
This is great! Now Patsy can
actually fight rather than just
whining and complaining!
                                                            

86.

                       SENSEI
Right, here's the plan. Vigilant
Sword, you go to the grocery store
and get as much Mountain Dew and
cocaine as you can. Mitsubishi,
you go with him. Sushi X, start
prepping the kitchen. And Patsy,
you go make me a nice warm bubble
bath. Go!
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Wait, where am I going to get
nutmeg?
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
      (raises hand
       nervously)
Um...
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Mitsubishi! What the hell are you
doing with nutmeg?!
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Uh...it's not mine! I'm just
holding it for a friend!
                                                            
Mitsubishi wipes his mouth self-consciously.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Whatever, at least I don't have to
use my own stash...I mean, you
should be ashamed of yourself!
                                                            
The characters leave to see to their appointed tasks. Sensei
is the only one in the room. Glancing around, he stealthily
wheels over to the TV, turns on the Xbox, and starts
playing.
                                                            
 
EXT. THE MONASTERY - NIGHT
                                                            
It is early evening. Scene begins outside the Monastery as a
black van pulls up in front of the gates and stops. Three
women in stealth suits step out of the van. After posing
dramatically, they begin to unload equipment. The leader is
thin and athletic looking, with shoulder-length purple hair.
The second one is of similar build, with dark blonde hair
that falls just past her shoulders. The third one is a
hulking behometh, a full seven and a half feet tall and
wider than the first two put together. She has light blonde
hair tied back in a ponytail.
                                                            

87.

                       DEMON 1
      (pulls out a crate
       of explosives)
So, tell me again why we're called
Gerald's Demons?
                                                            
                       LEAD DEMON
      (slips a pair of
       daggers into her
       belt)
Well, we're basically the opposite
of Charlie's Angels. We kick ass,
but for all the wrong reasons.
                                                            
                       DEMON 1
      (straps on a brace
       of throwing
       knives)
Actually, I knew that. But the
audience didn't.
                                                            
                       DEMON 2
      (checking a
       big-ass machine
       gun)
Me go kill soon?
                                                            
                       LEAD DEMON
Yes, very soon. But this is a
stealth mission. You know what
that means, right? You have to use
your nap-time voice.
                                                            
                       DEMON 2
      (whispers)
Oh, ok.
                                                            
She walks off to examine the gate.
                                                            
                       DEMON 1
Why do we keep her around?
                                                            
They both look over to see Demon 2 tearing the gate off its
hinges like the Hulk and tossing it aside.
                                                            
                       LEAD DEMON
That's why.
                                                            
The three assassins stealthily creep through the gardens and
into the monastery itself. They stop in the large prayer
chamber, a large, mostly empty room with a huge statue of
Buddha at one end. 20 monks sit here praying or meditating.
                                                            

88.

                       LEAD DEMON
      (turns to Demon 2)
It's extremely important that you
be extra-super quiet. We can't let
them hear us at all.
                                                            
                       DEMON 2
Me be quiet as a moose.
                                                            
They creep around the outside of the room towards another
door, the monks completely oblivious to their presence.
Suddenly, Demon 2 lets out a terrific belch. All the monks
look up and see the Three Demons, standing there in broad
daylight.
                                                            
                       DEMON 2
Oopsies!
                                                            
                       MONK
Intruders! Get them!
                                                            
The monks surge forward to attack. Demon 1's arm becomes a
blur and five monks go down with throwing knives in them.
The Lead Demon draws her twin daggers and whirls like a
dervish, slashing and stabbing. Demon 2 grabs the two
nearest monks and bashes their heads together. Then a third
monk leaps at her, and she grabs his neck in mid-air and
choke slams him to the ground. Within minutes, the three
assassins have dispensed with all 20 of them.
                                                            
                       DEMON 1
      (fixes her hair)
Well, that was easy.
                                                            
                       LEAD DEMON
      (sheathes daggers)
This whole job is too easy. The
secret base has no outside
surveillance and is guarded by a
handful of pansy Buddhists. Diablo
is wasting our time.
                                                            
                       DEMON 2
Me want smash more!
                                                            
                       DEMON 1
Oh, we'll be doing more than
smashing. We're going to blow this
place straight to Hell!
                                                            
                       LEAD DEMON
Once we're inside. Stay alert. The
actual base might be better
            (MORE)

89.

                       LEAD DEMON (cont'd)
defended. Plus, our real enemies
might still be here.
                                                            
                       LEAD DEMON
      (pulls out paper)
Well, if the map from the website
is correct, we split up at this
junction here. One of us goes left
and the other two go right. We've
got to plant explosives in the
kitchen and the boiler room. We
set the timers for 10 minutes and
run like hell back to the van.
When those idiots return, they'll
find nothing but a pile of rubble.
                                                            
The three women head through the common room and into what
appears to be a storage closet. The Lead Demon presses a
secret button on the wall, causing the wall to slide up and
reveal an elevator. They ride they elevator to the main base
itself. There are signs leading to the Training Rooms,
Armory, Infirmary, War Room, Laboratory, Maintenance, and
War Room. Lead Demon and Demon 2 head towards Maintenance,
while Demon 1 heads to the Laboratory. The camera follows
Demon 1 as she follows several hallways, easily evading
primitive traps like a pit and wall spikes. Finally, she
comes to Sushi X's kitchen.
                                                            
                       DEMON 1
      (looking around as
       she sets the bomb)
Damn! They must really like
Mountain Dew! There must be like
30 cases here.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
There are 35 cases to be exact.
                                                            
Demon 1 whirls around to see Sensei sitting in the doorway.
                                                            
                       DEMON 1
Well, I didn't know I'd have to
kill an old man.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
I didn't know I'd have to kill a
woman.
                                                            
Demon 1 grins fiercely and launches two knives at Sensei
with blinding speed. Just as fast, Sensei's hands whip out
and catch the knives in the air.
                                                            

90.

                       DEMON 1
I don't have time for this.
                                                            
She leaps forward and rolls as Sensei's staff passes
harmlessly over her head. She comes up to her feet and with
a shriek, plunges her hand into Sensei's chest. She pulls
out his shriveled heart, which is not even beating.
                                                            
                       DEMON 1
What the hell is this? A prune?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Hah! That thing stopped beating
when George Bush, Sr. was in
office!
      (he laughs)
Pacemaker, bitch!
                                                            
As Demon 1 stands dumbfounded, Sensei reaches up and snaps
her neck in one quick motion.
                                                            
                       DEMON 1
      (with dying breath)
You're too late...I already set us
up the bomb...Screw...you...ugh...
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Nice one, Sensei!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
How long have you been there?!
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
The whole time. We should probably
run like hell now.
                                                            
                       PATSY
      (walks into room)
Master, bubble bath is ready,
so...
      (stops as he sees
       the body)
What the fudgenuggets?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
No time to explain! We've got to
get out of here! This place is
gonna blow!
                                                            

91.

Cue exciting music as Patsy pushes Sensei as fast as he can,
with Sushi X right behind. The action slows as the three of
them emerge from the monastery just as the bombs detonate. A
massive explosion throws them all forward. Patsy and Sushi X
sit up as flaming debris rains down around them.
                                                            
                       PATSY
      (helps Sensei back
       into his
       wheelchair)
Our base! Our home! They have
destroyed it! Patsy will be makink
with the vengeance soon enough!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
That female assassin must have
been working for Mr. Diablo. I
swear he will pay for this.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
What do we do now?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
First, we wait for Vigilant Sword
and Mitsubishi to return from the
grocery store and Dave to make a
mysteriously quick recovery. Then
we go see the set people and ask
them to build us a new base. We
should have a new one by tomorrow.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Well, with the facilities gone, we
can't make any more Mystic Dew. I
think there were still a few cases
in the Danger Machine, but we'll
have to conserve it.
                                                            
                       PATSY
Patsy will be unleashing hell on
the ones who did this!
                                                            
INSIDE THE THREE DEMONS' VAN
                                                            
                       DEMON 2
Wait, weren't there...
      (holds up five
       fingers)
three of us?
                                                            
                       LEAD DEMON
      (sighs)
She didn't make it. I always
            (MORE)

92.

                       LEAD DEMON (cont'd)
thought you would be the first to
die.
      (wipes a tear from
       her eye)
Well, at least we accomplished our
mission. Let's return to Diablo to
claim our reward.
                                                            
                       DEMON 2
We get cookies now?
                                                            
                       LEAD DEMON
Yes, lots of cookies. Too bad
that...someone...won't get to
enjoy them.
                                                            
 
INT. INTERIOR OF THE DANGER MACHINE - NIGHT
                                                            
Vigilant Sword and Mitsubishi are in the Danger Machine,
returning from the grocery store. Behind them lie case after
case of Mountain Dew, as well as plain brown boxes marked
only with "Cocaine".
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
So...Vigilant Sword...whatcha
thinkin' about?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Who cares what I'm thinking about?
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Okay. (beat) Hey, Vigilant Sword,
do you think I'll ever be rich and
famous?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Hey, do you think you'll ever
learn how to stop talking?
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Sorry. (beat) Hey, Vigilant Sword,
where do babies come from?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
...You know what, I'm sure you'll
be rich and famous eventually.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
You didn't answer my other
question.
                                                            

93.

                       VIGILANT SWORD
Well, right now I'm thinking that
I'd like you to shut the hell up.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
No, the other question.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
What other question? I didn't hear
any other question!
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Yeah, I asked where do babies -
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Say, Mitsubishi, I'm kinda
thirsty. How about handing me a
Dew from the back seat?
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Sure thing.
                                                            
He reaches back to get one.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Oh thank God.
                                                            
Shortly thereafter, they pull onto the dirt path that leads
to the monastery. Immediately they are greeted by the
terrible sight of flaming ruins.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Holy shit! What happened here?!
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
What?
      (looks up)
Oh...well, that's not good, is it?
                                                            
Vigilant Sword glances at Mitsubishi incredulously, then
speeds up the path to the parking lot where the rest of the
group is. The Danger Machine screeches to a stop. Vigilant
Sword and Mitsubishi jump out.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Sensei, what happened here? Our
home...there's nothing left!
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (mutters to self)
It's not my home.
                                                            

94.

                       MITSUBISHI
MY XBOX!!! NOOOOOO!!!
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Don't worry, man. I saved it.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
      (clutches the Xbox
       to his chest)
Oh, thank you God! My baby! I
promise I'll never take you for
granted again!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Whatever. Sensei, how did this
happen? Was it a grease fire,
because I swear to God, Sushi X,
I'll kill you!
                                                            
                       PATSY
No, no, was work of evil bastard!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
It's true. Mr. Diablo sent three
of his hoes to ride on us. They
literally rocked our hizzouse.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
I will not stand for this!
      (takes a bullet
       from his belt)
You see this bullet? The next time
I see that son of a bitch, it's
going right in his head!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Vigilant Sword, do not let your
anger consume you! This is a time
for mourning.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
No, this is definitely a time for
anger. Lots and lots of anger.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Sensei, what do we do now? I mean,
what can we do?
                                                            
                       SENSEI
      (sighs)
My children, in dark times such as
these, there is only one thing we
can do...
                                                            

95.

Out of nowhere, Sensei reveals a boom box and hits PLAY.
                                                            
                       STEREO
EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!
                                                            
Sensei actually stands up out of his wheelchair and begins
dancing.
                                                            
                       DAVE
HUH?!?!
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
I...I think I understand.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Yeah, me too.
                                                            
The rest of the heroes, sans Dave, begin dancing along with
Sensei. Somehow, their dance is expertly choreographed and
perfectly synchronized.
                                                            
                       STEREO
EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!
                                                            
Now, Six-Gun Sam and the 20 monks from the last scene join
the dance routine. They also dance perfectly.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Stop the music! STOP THE GOD
DAMNED MUSIC!
                                                            
The music cuts off suddenly. All the dancers stop in
mid-step.
                                                            
                       DAVE
What the hell is going on here?
Why is a 180 year old man gettin'
jiggy with it? And why do the rest
of you somehow accept this as
normal? AND WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO
DO WITH ANYTHING?!
      (sighs)
You know what, screw it. I'll
throw myself off this time.
                                                            
Dave throws himself off a bridge.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
PUMP UP THE VOLUME, PUMP UP THE
VOLUME!
                                                            

96.

The music comes back on. The dancers are now joined by all
the villains; Mr. Diablo, 2 6/8, the Three Demons, the
henchmen, even Eight-Gun Eddie.
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR
      (walks onto the
       scene)
FREESTYLIN'!!!
                                                            
The rest of the behind the scenes people, such as camera
men, stage hands, make-up artists, etc. come out and form a
circle. The director calls each of the main characters'
names one after the other. Upon being called, each of the
characters steps into the circle and does their own unique
30-second dance sequence. Sensei is the last to be called,
and his dance is a full minute.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Whoo! Go Sensei! Go Sensei!
                                                            
The main characters rejoin the other dancers. They dance for
the duration of the song, and then the routine ends as
dramatically as possible. As soon as the music cuts off, the
other dancers immediately become self-conscious and run off
the scene.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
      (panting, leaning
       on staff)
Oh dear, oh Patsy, help me back to
my chair.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Great job guys! I knew those
rehearsals would pay off!
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
That was fun! Let's do it again!
                                                            
                       SENSEI
No my son...now is not the time
for elaborately choreographed
dance sequences. Now...we must
rebuild.
                                                            
 

97.

EXT. THE MONASTERY - DAY
                                                            
As soon as the previous scene ends, Vigilant Sword,
Mitsubish, Sushi X, and Dave go into a montage. Various
shots show them working hard on rebuilding the monastery.
"Taking Care of Business" plays in the background. Suddenly,
the montage stops as Sensei wheels over and turns off the
music.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Sensei, no! You interrupted our
montage! No we actually have to
work for real! Do you realize how
much time building an ancient
Buddhist temple actually takes in
real time?! Oy vey!
                                                            
                       PATSY
Well, wishink I could help you,
but old man requires constant
attention. For once, actually okay
with having to see him naked.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
Don't you have a colostomy bag to
change?
                                                            
Patsy gives him the finger and starts to wheel Sensei away.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Hold it, Patsy! I interrupted
their montage for a reason.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
It better be good. I'm not looking
forward to the endless hours of
backbreaking labor.
                                                            
                       SENSEI
Well...um...all our food got
burned up in the explosion. I was
hoping you'd go to the grocery
store.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
What? We just went there last
night! Gas isn't cheap, you know.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Hey, it's better than this. Let's
just go.
                                                            

98.

                       SENSEI
Yes, you and Mitsubishi go back
there. I have a shopping list.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
I have to stay and do this all by
myself? That's so unfair.
                                                            
Dave clears his throat loudly. They look over to see him
doing all the work. His shirt is off, revealing his muscular
body.
                                                            
                       SUSHI X
I'm sorry, do you need a throat
lozenge, Dan?
                                                            
Dave drops the board he was carrying and stomps off,
grumbling.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Look, Sushi, we'll only be gone an
hour. Try to get the montage
started again. Come on, let's go.
                                                            
Vigilant Sword and Mitsubishi get in the Danger Machine and
drive away.
                                                            
 
INT. LOCAL SUPERMARKET - DAY
                                                            
Vigilant Sword and Mitsubishi are pushing a shopping cart
through the grocery store grabbing items from the list.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
      (looks at list)
Alright, let's see what we have so
far. Bran cereal, flavorless
oatmeal, vitamin supplements,
Depends...wait a second, we're
shopping for an old man! Screw
this, we're doing the shopping,
we'll get what we want!
                                                            
He crumples the shopping list and throws it away, then dumps
out the current contents of the cart. Mitsubishi walks up
carrying about ten boxes of Hot Pockets.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Hey, I got Hot Pockets!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Mitsubishi, what the hell are you
doing with all those?
                                                            

99.

                       MITSUBISHI
They're on sale, man! Three for
five dollars. Can I get them?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Okay, fine. Come on. Next item on
my list: a whole shitload of Snack
Packs.
                                                            
We now move over one aisle to see none other than the two
remaining Demons doing their own grocery shopping.
                                                            
                       LEAD DEMON
Let's see...Lucky Charms, Cinnamon
Toast Crunch, check. Eye of the
round steaks, chicken breast,
check. Okay, check, check, check,
check, and check. And...
                                                            
                       DEMON 2
COOKIES?
                                                            
                       LEAD DEMON
Damn it, stop getting cookies! We
have plenty! Put them down!
                                                            
                       DEMON 2
Aww! COOKIES!
                                                            
She stomps her feet down, causing the ground to shake.
Several jars fall off the shelves and shatter.
                                                            
                       LEAD DEMON
Oh, shit! Look what you did! Let's
get out of this aisle before we
have to pay for that.
                                                            
BACK TO VIGILANT SWORD AND MITSUBISHI
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Alright, we've got our dairy group
covered; Cheez Whiz, cheese
spread, nacho cheese dip, and
pretzels filled with cheese.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Isn't Patsy lactose intolerant?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
...Screw him.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Ooh, how about some Uncrustables?
                                                            

100.

                       VIGILANT SWORD
Sure, put them in here.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Sweet.
                                                            
He balances them carefully atop the already huge pile that
extends a full foot above the edge of the cart.
                                                            
BACK TO THE TWO DEMONS
                                                            
                       LEAD DEMON
Well, looks like we're pretty much
done here.
                                                            
She turns to see Demon 2 eating an entire bag of M&M's.
                                                            
                       LEAD DEMON
How many of those have you eaten?
                                                            
                       DEMON 2
Duh...eleventy-three and a half.
                                                            
                       LEAD DEMON
You're hopeless. Your whole diet
can't just consist of cookies and
candy. You gotta have fruits, and
vegetables,and other healthy shit
like that.
                                                            
A banner scrolls across the screen that reads "This message
brought to you by the good people at Giant."
                                                            
                       DEMON 2
Ooh! Public service announcement!
                                                            
BACK TO VIGILANT SWORD AND MITSUBISHI
                                                            
Vigilant Sword and Mitsubishi stand in the check out line. A
huge line has formed behind them.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
Hey, can I get one of these
newspapers?
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
No man, those are tabloids. It's
just a bunch of made-up bullshit.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
But look at these headlines! How
about "Jesus Wins Dance Dance
Revolution Contest"? Or "Help! My
            (MORE)

101.

                       MITSUBISHI (cont'd)
Pancakes are Sending Me Homicidal
Messages!" I just gotta buy one!
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
...Fine. But that's the last thing
I'm getting for you.
                                                            
BACK TO THE TWO DEMONS
                                                            
The two Demons stand one checkout line over.
                                                            
                       DEMON 2
Mmm...chocolate.
                                                            
                       LEAD DEMON
      (reading Archie
       Comic Digest)
Oh, Jughead, what have you gotten
yourself into this time?
                                                            
                       CASHIER
Miss, will that be cash or credit?
                                                            
                       LEAD DEMON
Hmm...how about...neither.
                                                            
She swiftly draws one of her daggers and guts the cashier
where he stands.
                                                            
OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET
                                                            
Both groups walk out at the same time. Oblivous to each
other, they walk to their respective vehicles, load their
groceries, and get in. Simultaneously, they start their
ignitions, and start to back out. Both vans come to a
screeching halt. The doors fly open and all four characters
leap out, weapons drawn.
                                                            
                       VIGILANT SWORD
Minions of Diablo! You will die!
                                                            
                       LEAD DEMON
Canadians! Taste my steel!
                                                            
Vigilant Sword unloads his .45's. The Lead Demon nimbly
cartwheels and dodges.
                                                            
                       MITSUBISHI
LAST CANADIAN SAMURAI!!!