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Variations on Jerry Prevo Explaining his Financial Practices
by Sam Dunham and Shawn Jefts (thegreenmercenary@gmail.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Miscellaneous   User Review: ***1/2
This is a 10 minute long movie about the financial practices of Dr. Jerry Prevo, a Falwell style evangelist preacher here in Anchorage Alaska. This guy really exists, but I don't think he'll sue, since this is clearly parody. He's a bigoted hate-pusher, so I don't feel bad at all for making fun of him.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

INT. ANCHORAGE BAPTIST TEMPLE - DAY
                                                            
Jerry PREVO, a Baptist evangilist, is preaching to a huge
congregation of at least 1,000 people.
                                                            
                       PREVO
...The homosexual agenda, the
liberal agenda, and the media
agenda are all working for Satan,
and the corruption of your soul!
It's all right here-
      (Thumps a Bible)
Yes, the book of revelation
predicted it all...Now we will
hear from the choir, but first,
let's pass the collection plate.
Please, give freely, give
generously, for your donations are
what keeps this church running,
they are what allows us here to do
God's great work.
      (Begins chuckling)
Every dime you give will be
directly invested back into the
church, back into God's word. So,
when you give your donation,
you're not just giving you money
to me...
      (Laughs
       uncontrolably,
       maniacally even)
It's like you are giving your
money directly to Jesus himself!
                                                            
 
INT. A SWANKY BALL - NIGHT
                                                            
Several aristocrats and socialites in tuxedoes and evening
dresses mingle. The women hold drinks, the men cigars. They
all speak with uppercrust Hamptons accents. PREVO speaks to
a group of them.
                                                            

2.

                       SOCIALITE #1
Come come now Prevo, you
positively must tell the others
here what you told me. He's got
the most clever financial
practices. Really now Prevo, I
absolutly insist you tell the
others what you do with all of
your churches money.
                                                            
                       SOCIALITE #2
Oh yes, please do. I'm dreadfully
curious. What ever becomes of all
that cash?
                                                            
                       PREVO
Alright, alright, if you must
know. It's really simple,
actually. You take the
donations-and let me tell you
there are a lot of them-you take
the donations and put them in a
Swiss bank account. Then you
transfer the funds to an account
in the Cayman Islands and filter
it back through the stock market.
And by the time it gets back, it's
not the church's money anymore,
it's your money.
                                                            
Everyone enjoys a good laugh at this.
                                                            
                       SOCIALITE #2
I say old man, that's devilishly
clever!
                                                            
                       SOCIALITE #1
Ripping good laugh.
                                                            
 
INT. ON A BUS - DAY
                                                            
A public bus. PREVO is talking to a whino next to him,
who's in the process of passing out. MAN #1 listens over
his shoulder.
                                                            
                       PREVO
Ya see, you gotta take the money
you get from your cans and put it
in a Swiss bank account-are you
listening? I'm trying to tell you
how to make money here. This is
just what I do with the donations
            (MORE)

3.

                       PREVO (cont'd)
I get. You put the money in a
Swiss bank account, then transfer
it to-hey, pay attention-transfer
it to the Caymans, then filter it
back in through mutual funds and
money markets, and maybe with drug
mules; becasue by the time it gets
back to this country, it's not the
churches money anymore, it's your
money.
                                                            
                       MAN #1
Holy shit! You're Jerry Prevo!
                                                            
 
EXT. DOWNTOWN ANCHORAGE - DAY
                                                            
PREVO is in a banana suit on a unicycle shouting at people
on the sidewalk.
                                                            
                       PREVO
It's all about copper! You have
to take all your money and invest
in copper! After that goes though
the roof you take your earning and
pay off any IRS agents that come
knock on your door. Everyone's
got their price. In fact, see if
you can pay them in copper. Then
that money's yours, free and
clear!
                                                            
 
INT. AT A FRAT PARTY IN BERKLEY CALIFORNIA - NIGHT
                                                            
Loud music blares, a swarm of people dance. PREVO pours a
drink and talks to FRAT GUY. He has to shout to be heard.
                                                            
                       PREVO
Here you go. What I'm gonna do,
you see, is buy up all the
phonebooks. I'm gonna stockpile
'em. Fill whole warehouses full
of phonebooks.
                                                            
Pulls a bottle of pills out of his pocket and offers one to
FRAT GUY, who takes it.
                                                            
                       PREVO
Here, take a few of these, dude.
It'll fuck you up. Anyway, once
I've stockpiled all these
phonebooks, when the shortage
            (MORE)

4.

                       PREVO (cont'd)
comes, I'll sell them at an
outrageous price! I'll make
billions!
                                                            
                       FRAT GUY
Man, what'd I just take?
                                                            
                       PREVO
They're called roofies.
                                                            
 
EXT. A SHADY STREET CORNER - NIGHT
                                                            
PREVO, with a pimpish hat and coat on over his stupid
off-white suit, is yelling at BUBBLES, a scantly clad woman
in her early 20s.
                                                            
                       PREVO
Bubbles, you better come back here
tonight with 150 dollars! Don't
you be rolling back to me like you
did last night, trying to act like
70 dollars was all you could get!
You get more than that, bitch! And
you're gonna give Prev-daddy what
you owe him! 'Cause you know what
I'm gonna do with that 150
dollars? I'm gonna split into
three groups of 50, and put one of
'em in a swiss bank account. Then
I'm gonna take it out and put in
one of the other 50's, then take
it out and put in one of the other
50's. And I'm gonna do that a
hundred times, until I don't know
which 50's which anymore. And
then it won't be the churches
money anymore, it's your money,
which is my money, bitch! You got
that Bubbles?!
                                                            
                       BUBBLES
I gotcha Prev-daddy. I getcha
your money, don't worry.
                                                            
                       PREVO
Don't make Jerry Prevo slap a
bitch.
                                                            
 

5.

EXT. IN A PARK - DAY
                                                            
Prevo sitting on a park bench, Man #1 sitting next to the
bench on a picnic blanket.
                                                            
Man #2, in an overcoat with a hat, on walks onscreen, sits
next to Prevo, puts briefcase on the ground.
                                                            
                       MAN #2
      (In thick Russian
       accent)
Comrade Prevo, the raven crows at
midnight.
                                                            
Prevo takes briefcase, exits offscreen left, Man in overcoat
exits offscreen right.
                                                            
Man #1 looks around confused.
                                                            
 
INT. A WEST HOLLYWOOD RECORDING STUDIO - DAY
                                                            
PREVO is laying down tracks with SNOOP DOGG.
                                                            
                       PREVO
Wassup y'all! I'm J to da P!
Rappin' rhymes for the J to da C!
With the motherfucking D-O-double
G!
                                                            
                       SNOOP DOGG
It's the motherfuckin' west coast
baby.
                                                            
                       PREVO
      (Accepting a joint
       from SNOOP DOGG)
I'm telling you, Snoop, take the
money you get from this album and
get it laminated. Then we
build-damn, this is good shit-then
we use glue and build it into a
tower, like cards, so when the tax
collector comes around, he's like,
what the hell are those crazy
niggaz doin'? And while he's
distracted, we pop a cap in his
ass, and it's not the church's
money any more, it's my money!
                                                            
                       SNOOP DOGG
Fo-shizzle.
                                                            
 

6.

INT. ON A ROAD - DAY
                                                            
Prevo has been pulled over by a Police Officer.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Sir, do you know how fast you were
going?
                                                            
                       PREVO
Not really, no.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
What's your hurry, Mr. Prevo?
                                                            
                       PREVO
Mr. Officer.... The best way I
can explain this to you is with a
story. Have you heard the story
about the five monkeys in the
cage?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
No, sir.
                                                            

7.

                       PREVO
There were a group of scientists
in Sub-Saharan Africa, and they
put five monkeys in a cage with a
banana in the middle of the cage.
Whenever a monkey would try to
grab the banana, one of the
scientists would spray all the
monkeys with a hose. After
awhile, whenever a monkey would
try and get the banana, the other
monkeys would just beat the living
hell out of the monkey trying to
grab the thing. After this
happened long enough, they ignored
the banana altogether. Then the
scientists took a monkey out, and
replaced him with another monkey.
Of course, the first thing this
monkey does is try to grab that
succulent piece of fruit. So the
other monkeys grab him and just
beat the piss out of him. Then
they take out another monkey and
replace it, and the cycle repeats.
They keep doing this, and
eventually, you have monkeys
beating the shit out of other
monkeys, and they have no idea
why.
                                                            
Police Officer stares blankly at Prevo.
                                                            
Prevo stares blankly at Police Officer.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Tell you what, I think I'm going
to let you off with a warning.
                                                            
Police Officer walks back to squad car.
                                                            
Banging is heard from the trunk.
                                                            
                       PREVO
      (Yelling to the
       trunk)
That was a close one, eh, Bubbles?
                                                            
 
INT. A BATHHOUSE IN SAN FRANCISCO - NIGHT
                                                            
PREVO and FRAT GUY and BUBBLES are in a paddleboat. FRAT
GUY is passed out.
                                                            

8.

                       PREVO
It's all about racial conformity.
If I can get one ethnic group to
all agree on something, I can
exploit it and make shitloads of
money! Like that Kwanza bullshit.
You think that was black folks
making that shit up? Naw, it was
the candle companies, convinced
all the black people in America
that they had a holiday, and bam!
A second Channukah for Big Candle.
So I'm thinking spicks
will...Hey, dude...
      (Nudges FRAT GUY,
       who doesn't
       respond)
Okay, Snoop, he's ready.
                                                            
Snoop Dogg appears and they begin undressing him.
                                                            
 
INT. A WAREHOUSE FULL OF PHONEBOOKS - NIGHT
                                                            
PREVO sits a table, talking on the phone. Phonebooks are
piled on either side of him, one open in front of him.
                                                            
                       PREVO
Hello, is this Maria Gonzolas of
San Diego?...Well, Mrs. Gonzo, my
name is Jerry Prevo, I'm an
evangelical minister in Anchorage
Alaska. I was wondering if you
knew about the cultural
significance lubricants have to
the Mexican people? I happen to
be selling a special product
designed especially for the latino
community, I call it 'Mexi-Lube'.
How many can I put you down
for?...Listen you lousy spick! I
need every Mexican in America to
go along with it, and I'm calling
you all personally, so buy some
damn lube you sombrero munching
amigo clipper!...Well, it's part
of a zany scheme to rob several
thousand people of charitable
donations. Can I explain it?
Sure, it's really simple...
                                                            
 

9.

INT. AT A MOVIE THEATER - DAY
                                                            
Man #2 is dressed in a uniform taking tickets to get into
the theater, with a fake nose, glasses, and mustache
disguise. Prevo is in line, with Man #1 behind him.
                                                            
Prevo steps up and gives Man #2 his ticket.
                                                            
                       MAN #2
      (In Jamaican
       accent)
Thank you, Mr. Prevo, your theater
will be on the left, in account
number 1-0-0-3-4-7-2.
                                                            
Man #1 gets shocked look on his face.
                                                            
Prevo walks away, Man #2 walks away.
                                                            
Man #1 begins to wonder what to do with his ticket.
                                                            
 
EXT. IN THE SIBERIAN TUNDRA - DAY
                                                            
Prevo is in a hunting outfit with a shotgun. Camera is
slowly panning around him.
                                                            
                       PREVO
See, you do it like this: Take
the money, parlay it to a 12 year
old Samoan boy, who deposits it in
a small local bank under his dead
mother's name. Then you transfer
that to an account in the Caymans
and use it to buy 22,369 twelve
cent stamps, no more, no less.
Then you put the rest of the money
in a box, put that box in another
box, and use the stamps to mail
that box to yourself at a P.O. Box
in upstate New York. Drive out to
the woods, dig a hole five feet,
seven inches, no more, no less,
and throw the money in. And then,
it's not your money anymore, it's
the churches!
                                                            
Prevo gets confused look on face.
                                                            
Camera finally pans around to show Snoop and Bubbles
standing behind him in the snow.
                                                            

10.

                       SNOOP DOGG
Fo-shizzle.
                                                            
 
INT. A SCIENTIFIC LAB - DAY
                                                            
A banana hangs from a string. Slowly a man in a monkey suit
crawls into view, cautiously eyeing the banana. He gingerly
gets closer, reaches his hand toward the fruit-

Suddenly another man in a monkey suit darts from offscreen
and the punches the first monkey in the face, schreeching
loudly.

The first monkey fights back. The pair is quickly joined by
a third, fourth, and fifth monkey. They slap each other
around until we get tired of it.

The camera zooms out to reveal that the men in monkey suits
are in a cage, and Prevo is watching the specticle with a
lab-coated scientist.
                                                            
                       PREVO
Yes, Yes, this is perfect! Now we
gotta get them all tuxedoes and
we'll sell tickets, tickets ya
see. We'll charge 50 bucks a
head, and people will come, oh
yeah, they'll come from miles I
tell ya! It's finally all coming
together.
                                                            
 
INT. A GAY STRIP CLUB - NIGHT
                                                            
PREVO is handing ones to the dancer on stage.
                                                            
                       PREVO
Now, make sure and wire this money
to Geneva, not Tokyo. Once it's
there I'm gonna buy a plane, and
fly my new toy all the way back to
the church that bought it for me.
                                                            
The song comes to an end.
                                                            
                       PREVO
Hey, great set son. I'm so proud
of you.
                                                            
                       STRIPPER
Thanks dad. I always appreciate
you coming out.
                                                            
 

11.

INT. A PRIVATE ROOM AT A TRENDY CLUB - NIGHT
                                                            
PREVO is doing a line o blow off of BUBBLES's ass.
                                                            
                       PREVO
...and after I sell the harvested
organs from the kidnapped
orphans-quit movin' Bubbles-I take
that cash-Bubbles quit moving-I
take that cash and buy a petting
zoo.
      (Snorts the line)
Awww, I'm high as a mother
fuck!...Snoop you gonna hit this?
                                                            
SNOOP DOGG leans in.
                                                            
                       PREVO
And then, see, I use the petting
zoo to attract more orphans, who I
kidnap and sell their organs-Stay
still for him, bitch-and then I
take that cash and buy a bigger
petting zoo. The bigger the
petting zoo, the more orphans, and
the more orphans, the bigger the
petting zoo!
                                                            
                       SNOOP DOGG
Fo-shizzle.
                                                            
 
INT. VISITING SANTA AT THE MALL - DAY
                                                            
Man #2 is in a Santa Clause suit with a glasses, fake nose,
and mustache disguise. Prevo is next in line. Behind Prevo
in line is Man #1, with his child. Little Kid is on Man
#2's lap.
                                                            
                       LITTLE KID
...and a pony.
                                                            
                       MAN #2
      (In New York
       accent)
Great, kid.
                                                            
Little Kid gets off his lap, and walks away.
                                                            
Prevo steps up and gets on Man #2's lap.
                                                            
                       MAN #2
And what do you want, little boy?
                                                            

12.

                       PREVO
Ten hundreds, five fifties,
fifteen twenties, and forty tens.
                                                            
                       MAN #2
The rooster crows at seven forty
nine PM.
                                                            
                       PREVO
Thanks, sweet cheeks.
                                                            
Man #1 grabs child and hurries him away.
                                                            
 
EXT. SKYDIVING - DAY
                                                            
PREVO jumps out of plane with BUBBLES and SNOOP DOGG.
                                                            
                       PREVO
Alright, as soon as we hit the
ground we run for cover, so the
government sattalites can't see
us. Then we're gonna set up the
giant sling-shot, and you guys
know the plan from there!
                                                            
PREVO pulls his cord, but his chute doesn't open. All three
plummet to their death.
                                                            
 
INT. HELL - NIGHT
                                                            
PREVO sits at a table, playing poker with SATAN, HITLER,
SNOOP DOG, MAN #2 in a fake nose and mustache, a bandaged
man in a monkey suit, and of course, BUBBLES.
                                                            
                       PREVO
I'm telling ya Satan, you're doing
this all wrong. You got a shit
load of souls up...sorry, down
here. That's gotta be worth
something.
                                                            
                       SATAN
I know, but I can't just sell
them. People would know, my
reputation, think about it.
                                                            
                       PREVO
I know, I know, but listen, here's
what I'm gonna do with my winnings
here, see if that will help you.
It's really simple. You take the
            (MORE)

13.

                       PREVO (cont'd)
money and put it in a Swiss bank
account. Then you transfer the
funds to an account in the Cayman
Islands and filter it back through
the stock market. And by the time
it gets back here to Hell, it's
not the church's money anymore,
it's your money.
                                                            
                       SATAN
      (Slapping PREVO on
       the back)
HA HA HA! I like your style, you
crazy fuck!
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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From Rex Macaroe Date 8/5/2005 *1/2
The banana suit/unicycle bit was funny, but the rest didn't make any sense. First let it be said that I'm agnostic, the bloodenemy of evangelism. Admittedly, I've never heard of the guy, but I have a lot of trouble buying this as a realistic character study. I think you just hate the guy and want to vilify him. That's cool, but I don't see the value of it if it's ungrounded. (PS: parody or not, you'd better hope he never finds out about this or there'll an angry mob after you)

From Sarah Nadeau Date 7/25/2005 ****
Even though I have no idea who you or Jerry Prevo are, this was totally hilarious. Good job.

From Andrew Date 4/30/2005 ****
I really really enjoyed reading this, it made me laugh and it was quite interesting. I really think it deserves 4 stars.

From Sam and Sean Date 4/17/2005 ****
It's scary how much this is like the real Jerry Prevo. I must see this movie made. See if you can get him to play himself.


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