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James Bonding 007.142987 in Licence To Drive
by Garrett Perno (pernog580@aol.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: 0 stars
An abbreviated spoof on the world of James Bond.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.

The scene opens when the iris of the sniper barrel opens.
The music starts and it sweeps across a white room. Then
James strolls across the screen. He stops in the middle,
turns and points his gun at the iris. He trys to fire his
gun but a little flag pops out of it that says "bang". James
looks at his gun when a shotgun comes from behind the
camera, cocks, then fires through the iris opening. James
falls to the floor. The iris closes and fades into the
The scene opens on a street. A man is standing on the
sidewalk which is on the curb of the street. A car is seen
coming down the road. It slows down then stops near the man
on the sidewalk. The window rolls down and a man with one
eye pokes his head out of the window.
      (Poking head out
       of the window)
Is it done? Did you do your job?
                       HANCHMAN #1
      (standing on
Yes master, everything is set up.
Just give me the code and the
money is ours. I've developed the
best program yet!
Excellent, when can I expect the
                       HANCHMAN #1
Two weeks after I have done the
What did you say?


                       HANCHMAN #1
Two weeks sir.
How dare you say that number to my
face! Are you trying to poke fun
at me?
                       HANCHMAN #1
No sir, just telling the truth.
The truth that I don't have two
                       HANCHMAN #1
No, no sir.
The truth that I am a freak? That
I'm developmentally challenged? Is
that it?
                       HANCHMAN #1
No sir, only that there is a two
week period after you give me the
code until you get the money.
You said it again!
                       HANCHMAN #1
I'm really sorry.
Sorry about what? My deformality?
My inability to live life as a
normal human being?
                       HANCHMAN #1
No, just that-


      (Interrupting the
-you think I would be better off
in the circus?
                       HANCHMAN #1
Never sir. You are too evil to
join the circus.
What did you say? Did you say it
                       HANCHMAN #1
No, no, no. I said too. Spelled
t-o-o, not two t-w-o.
You just did it again! And you
spelled it in my face. Is that
because you didn't think you were
getting through to me?
                       HANCHMAN #1
No sir. Never
You'll pay for this! Here's the
code. I want my money ASAP! It's
not cheap funding Mr. Bigg's
world-domination plans.
Omnieye hands the henchman a slip of paper, then drives
away. The camera view changes to a totally unrelated scene.
James is crouching behind something and is looking like he
is spying on the henchman.
I wonder what this world
domination plan is? I better
intercept that code by doing a lot
of action shots that involve my
stunt double in clothes that are
made by our sponsers.


The camera view changes back to the scene with the henchman.
James' stunt double runs onto the scene wearing brand name
clothing. The henchman looks surprised, and starts running
when he sees the stunt double.
      (Stunt double)
Give me the code!
                       HANCHMAN #1
      (Running from
       stunt double)
The henchman continues to run. James' stunt double grabs a
pebble from the ground and throws it at the henchman. He
falls like he was hit by a boulder. James catches up and
then with fake sounds punches the henchman until he can't
move any more. James steals the piece of paper from the
henchman's hand and then exits the scene. The scene ends.
The screen shows a picture of the outside of the British
Secret Service HQ. Then the scene changes to the inside. M&M
is sitting at her desk. James runs in with the peice of
paper in his hand.
      (running in room)
M&M! I've thwarted another plan
for world-domination for the time
being. I've intercepted this code
which someone was going to use to
hack into a site and steal money
to fund some kind of world
domination plan.
That's very good James, but your
missing the big picture. Which web
site is it? We can't use the code
without knowing the website its


      (stops running
       infront of M&M's
But I've stopped world domination
for now! It was hard work getting
this slip of paper. You just
ruined my perfectly good day!
Well, I'm sorry James. You should
have been more of a help.
But that's what you said last
time! And I did help. Without me
intercepting this code, someone
would be stealing someone's money
right now and you wouldn't know a
thing about it!
Mr. Funnymoney walks in.
                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
Hello (snort) James.
Um, hi.
                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
Did you get that message
I sent for you? I wanted to play
Dungeons & Dragons with you.
Well, Mr. Funnymoney, some of us
actually do something in this
phoney government agency. I have a
job, and get paid. You were fired,
and do not have a job, and do not
get paid. Is that a good enough
answer for you?
                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
Sure. I was overhearing your
conversation. If you want me to do
something, I'll find out how and


                       MR. FUNNYMONEY (cont'd)
where that code was supposed to be
That'd be great! But how would you
find out which site that code is
                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
Let's just say (snort) I have a
lot of time on my hands.
James hands Mr. Funnymoney the slip of paper. Mr. Funnymoney
turns to leave but trips and falls to the ground.
                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
Aaaaaa! I've broken my arm.
The camera sees a severed arm on the floor next to Mr.
Funnymoney who now has only one arm.
Oh don't worry about that. I've
been shot once in the leg and this
is nothing compared to that. Here
let me help you pop that back in.
James grabs the arm from the floor and tries to stuff it
back into the socket. After a few failed attempts James
hands the arm to Mr. Funnymoney, who accepts it with his
Maybe you should get that looked
                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
Don't worry, this won't effect my
work progress.
I should think not! James, help
Mr. Funnymoney take his severed
limb to his car because I don't
want any more accidents. Got it?


Mr. Funneymoney hands James his arm and then they both leave
the room. The scene ends.
The scene opens witha picture of a parking lot. James is
holding Mr. Funnymoney's limb. They near a car parked that a
viewer can assume to be Mr. Funnymoney's.
                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
Well, here's my car. You can just
put that arm in the trunk, that
way I'm not distracted to wave at
people I don't know with it while
Mr. Funnymoney opens the trunk and James places the limb
Well, is that all you need help
with? Do you need anything else?
                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
Well, I could use a band-aid.
Sure, I always keep one in my
pocket incase I get shot in some
mansion and don't want to bleed on
the white carpet.
James takes a bandaid and gives it to Mr. Funnymoney. After
fumbling with it for a while, James helps him. While trying
to get it off his forehead because James has bad hand-eye
coordination, Mr. Funnymoney is pulled behind a bush.
Hey! Mr. Funnymoney? Where'd you
go? Why did you dissapear?


                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
      (can't be seen)
I'm being kidnapped! Help!
      (pulling out his
Oh no!
Suddenly a car (the same one in scene 2) peels out and
speeds down the parking lot. The window opens up and a
letter flys out.
      (firing shots at
       car with gun)
If only I had my Licence to Drive
I could chase them to see where
they were going!
James walks over to the letter. He picks it up then walks
off screen at a jog to go tell M&M.
The camera shows James entering the scene he left in scene
3. M&M is still at her desk. He runs in and stops at her
M&M! Mr. Funnymoney has been
Whose money's been stolen?
No! Mr. Funnymoney. He's been
stolen. He's been kidnapped.
But he's not a kid!


That doesn't matter! He's been
Don't you have to be a kid to be
      (getting angry)
Are you sure?
      (More angry)
Are you positive?
Absolutely positive?
Are you absolutely positively
Of course.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how
absolutely positively sure are


So your not all the way sure?
I am very sure.
So you are in fact quite sure
about this?
      (ready to burst
       with angst)
Yes! I'm quite sure that Mr.
Funnymoney doesn't have to be a
kid to be kidnapped.
Who doesn't have to be a kid to be
Can you prove this?
Yes! Mr. Funnymoney has been
Who has been kidnapped?
Mr. Funnymoney.
Never heard of her.
I give up! You are impossible.
Here read this. I found it at the
scene of the kidnapping. It's a
ransom note.


So someone's been kidnapped, eh?
Yes! They want the code in
exchange for Mr. Funnymoney.
James hands M&M the letter. The camera view changes to look
at it. It says:
"The Top 10 Ways To Get Back Your Friend From Being
10. Send us a meat grinder and we'll send you a box of meat.
9. Pay our tab at the bar.
8. Buy a coffin from us and we'll send you the filling for
7. Win a Darwin award.
6. Make a movie about us.
5. Build a intergalactic space station for us to spend the
rest of our lives in.
4. Make Lethal Weapon 5.
3. Send us 3,092,461 Yo-Mamma jokes.
2. Shoot us, then take the hostage.
1. Give us the code to the website we need.
So, someone's being kidnapped?
Yes! Mr. Funnymoney was kidnapped.
Oh, I see. Go see Q&U and see what
new inventions they have for you.
Come back here and I'll have your
mission ready.
Forget that! Let me go get him
now. He could be dead by the time
I get there if I have to get some
inventions from Q&U!
Sorry James. We can't afford a car
for you at this moment so you
won't get there any faster.


I'll use Mr. Funnymoney's!
We can't let you drive until you
have your license.
      (Suddenly dressed
       like a farmer)
Boy, stop joking around and go
change out of that ridiculous spy
outfit. We're going turkey pokin'.
James leaves the scene as it ends.
The scene opens with James walking into a garage. There is a
desk in the middle. The camera view changes showing Q&U the
siamese twins joined at the elbow walking toward the desk.
      (only Q)
Hello James. How's M&M today?
Same as always. He still has a
hard shell.
                       Q&U (REMEMBER, U IS CRAZY IN THE HEAD)
      (Only U)
I have a turtle shell.
      (Only Q)
That's right U! Your shell is as
thick as they come! Remember what
to do when you get too annoying


                       Q&U (cont'd)
and I have work to do?
      (Only U)
Oh yeah. Whamo blamo.
U picks a frying pan off the floor and hits himself in the
head. He blacks out and falls to the floor. Q bends down so
that the entire weight of U's body isn't on his attached
      (grabbing a
       rolling chair
       from the desk)
You'll have to excuse me James.
Q puts U on the chair, then pushes his knees to his chin. He
grabs some duct tape and wraps it around U so that U won't
fall out of the chair. He places the tape back on the desk.
Now whenever Q walks, U follows behind rolling in the chair.
      (Only Q)
Okay James, sorry about that. U's
been having difficulty pointing at
objects that his bleak vocabulary
can't name, so I had to help him
before you came. Sorry I didn't
knock him out before you came.
That's okay. I'm in no rush.
      (Only Q)
Great. Follow me please.
Q walks, U rolls, over to a table. On top of it is a set of
car keys.
      (Only Q)
These are my latest creation. They
look like ordinary car keys,
(pauses) and they are. Now what do


                       Q&U (cont'd)
you think they're for?
My own car! I'm going to have my
own spy car?
      (Only Q)
No, not exactly. M&M was very
strict about not giving you a car
untill you get your licence to
drive. So, with these keys you can
look like you are about to get
into a car, that way if people
think that you don't have a
licence to drive, you can look
like you are getting into your own
car, which would mean that you
would have to have a licence! Its
ingenious. My best invention yet.
I'm not so sure.
      (Only Q)
You're not? Well, here you can
test it. Just walk up to a car
with your keys showing and I'll
tell you if it looks like you are
getting into a car! Let me open
the doors to the testing range.
The garage doors open and a car is sitting in the middle of
the training area. James walks out and acts like he is
getting into the car by using the keys.
      (Only Q)
Wow James, I didn't know you had a
car and a licence.
      (returning to Q)
I don't.


      (Only Q)
But you looked so convincing with
those keys. Who gave them to you?
You did.
      (Only Q)
I don't remember giving you those
keys. You must be joking with me.
You have got to have your own car.
Please kill him in the next movie.
Please kill him in the next movie.
      (Only Q)
Well, moving right along...
Q walks, U rolls, to what looks like a skateboard on the
      (Only Q)
This is the Skateboard Of Death.
Simply toss its lightweight
titanium body at your foe, and it
will knock them out or even kill
them. But be careful and don't
kill yourself by falling off of it
skating to the bad guy lair. Got
Sure. Can I test it?
      (Only Q)
Sure. Just a second.
Q reaches into his pocket and pulls out a walkie-talkie.


                       Q&U (TALKING INTO WALKIE TALKIE)
      (Q only)
Test slave 1. Please come to the
testing area.
A man walks onto the testing area. James picks up the
skateboard, then walks over to the man. He swings the
skateboard hard and hits the test slave. The man's head
rolls off. James heads back to Q.
      (Only Q)
Highly effective. Right James?
Yeah, but this skateboard isn't
made out of titanium.
      (Only Q)
Hey! Your right. That guy down at
the lumbar mill must have ripped
me off. I wondered why it was easy
to carve. Anyway, come this way.
My next invention is a keeper.
Q walks, U rolls, to a roll of fishing line on the floor.
      (Only Q)
This is silicon dicarbonate high
density choking string. With it
you can easily choke your enemies
t death. But, they can also choke
you to death. So be careful and
don't let this fall into the hands
of the enemy. Any questions?
Nope. That's all I need. Thanks, I
      (Only Q)
Sure. Any time. (looks at watch)
Well, I have to go. U here needs a
catscan. The doctor thinks the


                       Q&U (cont'd)
frying pan system is damaging his
head. Oh well.
Q leaves. James gathers all the gadgets then leaves.
James enters the same scene as he did in scene 3. M&M is
sitting at his desk. James walks up and stops infront of it.
You do understand all the
inventions Q&U gave you don't you?
We don't want you forgetting how
to use them in the mission.
I think that they are kind of
Well, it wouldn't hurt to put the
directions on the back. Anyway
James, I have figured out your
mission. James your mission is to
go save Mr. Funnymoney. Bring him
back here, then he can finish his
work finding the web site. But, if
something comes up during this
mission, like you overhear a
conversation about
world-domination, then forget
about Mr. Funnymoney and just save
the world. Oh, and when your done
you have to do my taxes for me. I
don't want any mistakes like last
time. Now go. We have a location
of where Mr. Funnymoney is being
kept, so your plane is leaving
tomarrow. You are going to Sweden.
James leaves the room and the scene ends.


The scene starts with a shot of an airplane flying by. Then
James is shown walking on a busy street. He enters a small
cafe. Inside, people are busily eating. He walks to the
                       CAFE WORKER
Can I help you sir?
Yes, I'd like to see Mr. Voochka
                       CAFE WORKER
And I'd like to see some
James pulls out a cassette tape of Friday Never Dies, and
points to himself on the front.
See, that's me right there.
                       CAFE WORKER
Oh! You are a movie star.
That's right.
                       CAFE WORKER
I am so happy. I could kiss you
right now I'm so happy. We don't
have many movie stars here in
I think I figured out why.
                       CAFE WORKER
Why is that?


Nevermind. Just bring me to Mr.
                       CAFE WORKER
I'll bring you to Mr. Voochka when
you bring me some ID.
I just did.
                       CAFE WORKER
No you didn't. I have no clue who
you are.
James shows the Cafe Worker the tape again.
                       CAFE WORKER
Oh, so you are a movie star.
Errrrrrrrrrrrrr! Just take me to
                       CAFE WORKER
Take you to who now?
Mr. Voochka.
                       CAFE WORKER
Fine. Follow me.
The worker takes James to a room in the back of the Cafe. He
leads him through the door. Inside the room is a desk with a
man sleeping on it. The Cafe Worker wakes him up.
                       CAFE WORKER
Mr. Voochka, someone is here to
see you.
                       MR. VOOCHKA
Vat? Who iz it?


It's me James. James Bonding. I'm
here from M16 London.
                       MR. VOOCHKA
Ohhhh. Dat's all nice n' dandy
like a wee child playin' poker,
but vat do you vant vith me?
I want to know about a kidnapping.
A kidnapping of one of my
                       MR. VOOCHKA
Which von?
A mister Funnymoney.
                       MR. VOOCHKA
Funny who?
Money. Funnymoney.
                       MR. VOOCHKA
Money? Vat money?
No! His name is Mister Funnymoney.
                       MR. VOOCHKA
Who's name?
The one that got kidnapped. He's
the one that's been kidnapped.
                       MR. VOOCHKA
Kidnapped? You can't prove I did
I never said you did do it!


                       MR. VOOCHKA
Zen, vhy are you here?
To find information about this
                       MR. VOOCHKA
Oh yes, yes. Mista Funnymoney. I
heard uv him. He's at my house
tied up in da basement.
So you did kidnap him. Didn't you?
                       MR. VOOCHKA
I am innocent. I assure you.
Then why is he in your house?
                       MR. VOOCHKA
I don't know.
You must know something!
                       MR. VOOCHKA
Oh vight, vight. I remember now. I
did help kidnap him. I'm just
holding him untill za guy comes
back to get him.
Which guy?
                       MR. VOOCHKA
Ze guy vith un eye. Omnieye.
Thanks for the information,
luckily I know where you live and
don't have to ask more questions.


                       MR. VOOCHKA
Vait vun second mista Bonding. I
have to kill you now. You, vorker
boy, fetch me my gun.
                       CAFE WORKER
You're going to kill a movie star!
Today's my lucky day!
                       MR. VOOCHKA
Ze gun please.
                       CAFE WORKER
Just think! I'll be a part of
history forever. Kids will have to
memorize tests about me in school!
My name will be known world wide!
                       MR. VOOCHKA
(sigh) Mista Bonding, please hand
me ze gun. Vorkerboy iz no help to
I'd be glad to.
James picks up a gun from a nearby table.
Hey! Is the safety on? Let's see.
James pulls the trigger and Mr. Voochka gets shot. He falls
to the floor and dies.
                       CAFE WORKER
In a stunning turn of events, the
movie star kills my own boss! Who
knew? I could make a broadway
musical about this!
James shoots the worker dead.


      (to himself)
He should put that in his play
James leaves the room, and the scene ends.
The camera shows James sneaking into Mr. Voochka's backyard.
He looks through one of the windows then ducks underneath
Crikey. Someone's home. Wait a
minute! I have an idea.
James takes the Skateboard of death out of his overcoat
(somehow it fit under it.) He walks around to the front of
the house, and rings the doorbell. One of Mr. Voochka's
henchmen open the door.
                       HENCHMAN #2
      (opens door)
Yes? What do you want?
Hi, I'm selling skateboards. Would
you care to buy one?
                       HENCHMAN #2
Alright, I've had it with these
door-to-door skateboard salesmen.
Two of your coworkers already
stopped by today. I'll tell you
what I told them. No thank you,
and get a real job.
Oh, I have a real job all right.


                       HENCHMAN #2
Hey bud, news flash. A real job
pays more then 9 euros an hour.
Well then, tell me what you do and
I'll decide if it's a real job.
                       HENCHMAN #2
Just a second, let me remember.
The henchman scratches his head and looks blankly ahead for
a while.
                       HENCHMAN #2
      (scratching head)
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. What is
my job? what is my job?
James uses the skateboard and beats the henchmen to the
      (walking into the
Decent jobs shouldn't make you
think too much.
James walks into the house. He walks around awhile, uses the
bathroom, orders a pizza, then goes down into the basement.
Hey Mr. Funnymoney are you down
Two voices answer "yes".
Wait a minute. There aren't two
Mr. Funnymoney's are there?
Two voices answer "no".
Stop it! Mr. Funnymoney. Are you
down here or not?


Two voices answer "yes".
Fine! I'll rescue both of you.
Two voices answer "good". James turns the light on. Mr.
Funnymoney is tied to a chair (without his arm). James
quickly unties him.
I heard two voices. Who else is
down here?
                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
No one else is down here. No one
else is down here.
Oh I see. You are just saying
everything twice so it sounds like
there is someone else down here.
Why are you doing that?
                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
No reason. No reason.
Tell me! Or you're not going home.
                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
Fine. Fine. I was loney. I was
lonely. I was lonely. So. So. I
made a split personality. Split
You forgot to say, "I made a"
                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
No I didn't.
What? You stopped talking double.
What happened to your other


                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
What split personality?
The one. You were bored! Remember?
                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
James I don't remember any split
      (Fed up with
Fine. Lets's go.
                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
No wait. Okay, I was crawling up
through the walls to find spiders
to eat, when I overheard them
talking. They said something about
world domination and a big machine
or something. I couldn't
understand exactly what they were
saying because I had drywall in my
ears but they did say something
about the world's biggest virus.
You know what. I didn't hear any
part of that.
                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
Were'nt you listening?
Oh yes. But M&M said that if I
heard anything about world
domination I was to investigate. I
don't feel like investigating
right now.
                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
You don't want to save the world
because you're too lazy?


Yeah. Something like that.
                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
      (interrupted by
But James, you-
-could lose my job! I never saw it
that way. What was I thinking?
                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
James! Let's just get out of here.
Agreed. Let's go get a good
night's rest and then come back
fully charged.
                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
Sounds good to me. Come on.
James and Mr. Funnymoney leave the basement as the scene
The scene starts with a shot of James leaving a hotel. He
walks across the street. Suddenly Omnieye's car drives by.
He quickly calls a taxi and orders it to follow that car.
The taxi follows the car to the gates of a mountain mansion.
Omnieye's car goes through the gates. James gets out and
pays the driver and quickly runs through the gate before it
closes. He hides behind a bush and pulls out his binoculars
and looks at a statue a while before figuring out his
mistake and looks at the mansion.
I wonder what's going on up on
there. Uh oh. I heard a noise.
James turns his binoculars and sees a man jogging right
toward his bush.


Wait! I know what I can do.
James takes out his fishing line and ties it to the trunck
of a tree about 3 inches above the ground. James holds on to
the other end and hides behind his bush. The man jogs right
between the tree and bush and trips on the fishing line.
James hops out and pulls his gun on the man.
Tell me what the man with one eye
is doing. Tell me or I'll shoot
                       HENCHMAN #3
Well obviously.
      (pointing gun at
       henchman 3)
Just tell me.
                       HENCHMAN #3
Why should I tell you?
Because I'll kill you if you
                       HENCHMAN #3
If I don't do what?
Tell me what the man with one eye
is doing!
                       HENCHMAN #3
His name is Omnieye.
Tell me! Now!
                       HENCHMAN #3
Why don't you just tell him


James looks up and sees Omnieye and two other henchmen
pointing guns at him.
And who do I have the privilage of
meeting today?
Name's Bonding. James Bonding.
Well Mr. Bonding, let's go have a
chat inside. What do you say?
Free Tibet!
Excuse me?
Save the whales!
Drug free is the way to be!
Stay in school!
Anything else?
Save the rainforests!
What are you talking about?


Join the Navy!
Are you serious?
Volunteer in your community today.
Whatever. Bring him inside.
The henchmen pick up James and bring him inside. The scene
The scene starts in Omnieye's living room. Jems is tied to a
chair. There are two men pointing guns at him.
Tell me why you were here!
Tell me how you're going to take
over the world first.
Very well. I agree to your
James and Omnieye sit around looking blankly at eachother
for a few minutes.
Excuse me, but what was our
I'll tell you my world domination
plans after you tell me what you
were doing here.


Okay. But how about you tell me
your world domination plans then I
will tell you what I was doing
No. The deal was that you'd tell
me what you were doing here and
then I'll tell you my world
domination plans.
What if I give you a dollar? Then
will you tell me your world
domination plans first?
Make it five.
One fifty?
Two and a half.
Four halves.
                       HENCHMAN #3
      (Whispers in
       Omnieye's ear)
Um, sir. Two and a half is more
than four halves.
You have a deal Mr. Omnieye. Two
dollars it is.
      (Walks over
       infront of James)
What did you say?


I agree on giving you two dollars
as part of our deal.
No. You were making fun of me!
No I wasn't.
Yes you were. You think I'm a
freak don't you?
No. No. I think you are normal.
Normal in a freak show!
Just stop it. I wasn't
disrespecting you!
You weren't respecting me either.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about you thinking I'm
weird. You deserve to feel pain!
Quick question; who will be
dealing out this pain I have the
right to feel?
My good friend Mr. Pain.
Who is Mr. Pain?


A friend of mine who is good at
giving you pain.
Well then, just untie me from
these ropes and I'll be on my way
to Mr. Pain.
All right. Boys untie Mr. Bonding.
Two henchmen untie James. Once out of the chair, James
straightens his suit.
Thank you. I'm sure I'll be sore
Just make sure you bring back the
receipt so you don't have to pay
for the entire thing.
James leaves the house and begins to walk fast to the gate.
When he gets outside the gate he starts running.
      (To himself)
The camera view changes back to inside the house. Omnieye
scatches his head then says his line.
      (pointing to
       henchmen #3 and
Quick. You two he's getting away.
Kill him!
Henchman #3 grabs his gun and leaves. Henchman #4 grabs a
spoon and leaves. A few seconds later he returns and grabs
his gun. He sees Omnieye looking at him.


                       HENCHMAN #4
Sorry sir. I forgot my killing
utensil. You said kill I heard
spoon. No big deal.
Just get out there you bafoon!
                       HENCHMAN #4
It'll never happen again.
Henchman #4 leaves. The camera view changes back to the
street outside the mansion. James is running from Henchman
#3. Henchman #4 is close on persuit. James stops and takes
out his fake keys and acts like he is getting in one of the
parked cars. Henchman #3 stops running. Henchman #4 soon
catches up and stops with henchman #3.
                       HENCHMAN #4
Why are you stopping?
                       HENCHMAN #3
It's not James.
                       HENCHMAN #4
How can you tell?
                       HENCHMAN #3
He's using keys to get into that
car. James doesn't have a license
to drive so he can't be getting
into a car. It can't be him.
                       HENCHMAN #4
You're right. Let's go look in the
river incase he drowned.
The henchman leave. James leaves when the henchmen can no
longer see him anymore. The scene ends.
The scene starts out with a shot of a conference room. There
are people around a long table. Mr. Biggs is at the head of
the table. Omnieye is to the right of him. Mr. Biggs is a


fat man in his 50's always dressed in a suit and ready to do
anything for money.
                       MR. BIGGS
      (Stands up)
Now, I've brought you all here to
tell you my plan. My plan for
world domination!
Mr. Biggs starts laughing an evil laugh. Everyone else joins
in except for one man.
                       MR. BIGGS
Joe! You're not joining in the
evil laugh? Why not?
                       JOE DOE
I just don't find it funny. I
mean, if you're going to laugh at
something it better be funny.
                       MR. BIGGS
No. You've got it all wrong.
You're supposed to laugh at
something because it is evil. You
are evil right?
                       JOE DOE
No, not really. You know, I'm just
getting tired of people thinking
I'm evil just because I buy evil
stocks with my loads of evil
                       MR. BIGGS
What stocks did you buy?
                       JOE DOE
Well I bought stock in Microsoft,
Starbucks, McDonalds. You know,
all the greedy companies.
                       MR. BIGGS
There evil because they're greedy?


                       JOE DOE
Yes. All greedy people are evil. I
mean look at yourself.
                       MR. BIGGS
Well I am evil. And I am greedy.
                       JOE DOE
See. All I'm saying is that I'm
not evil like you guys just
because I am investing in evil
                       MR. BIGGS
But you are investing in my evil
plan to take over the world. I'm
lost. How are you not evil by
doing this?
                       JOE DOE
I'm also investing in a plan to
save the world's rainforests. I
think the two kind of cancel
eachother out. Don't you?
                       MR. BIGGS
Can't you just be evil around me?
So that I don't have to kill you
and your family?
                       JOE DOE
I don't know. That's a big choice.
                       MR. BIGGS
C'mon. Do it for me.
Joe thinks about it for awhile.
                       JOE DOE
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I don't know.
Okay. Fine. I'll be "evil" around
you. Just so you don't have to go
out of your way to kill me and my
family. I'd hate to see that suit
of yours stained with my blood.
Remember, I'm doing this for you.


                       MR. BIGGS
Thank you Joe. I'm glad you made
that sacrafice for me.
                       JOE DOE
It's the least I could do.
                       MR. BIGGS
Alright then. Let's hear that evil
Joe laughs an evil laugh.
                       MR. BIGGS
Good job. You're a born natural.
Now lets all open our notebooks
and take notes on my plan, okay? I
don't want anyone to mess up like
last time. Got it? I want good
notes from all of you. There might
be a quiz next week.
                       JOE DOE
Excuse me, but what happens if we
fail this quiz?
                       MR. BIGGS
I'll kill you and your family.
                       JOE DOE
Okay. And say we pass the quiz but
screw up the plan in real life.
Then what would happen?
                       MR. BIGGS
I'll kill you and your family.
                       JOE DOE
Okay great. Now what happens if we
either fail the quiz, or screw up
in real life and then you are
unable to kill me and my family?
                       MR. BIGGS
I'll hunt you down, then kill you
and your family.


                       MR. BIGGS
Super. Now say we are unable to
take this quiz next week. Are
there any days that we can retake
it or do we have to take the
failing grade which whould result
in what?
                       MR. BIGGS
There are no days to redo the test
on and a failing grade reslts in
me killing you and your family.
                       JOE DOE
Okay. When you say killing me and
my family, is it just my close
family or my extended family with
cousins, nephews, aunts, and
things like that?
                       MR. BIGGS
It's your entire extended family.
Are there any more questions
before we start?
                       JOE DOE
Yes, one more. When you are
killing our extended families
because we either failed the test,
screwed up in real life, or were
unable to retake the test because
we were absent, what do you do if
that certain family member is
already dead or soon going to be
                       MR. BIGGS
In that case we'd forget them. Is
that the last question before we
                       JOE DOE
Sorry, one more. When you're
killing our family because we
either failed the test, screwed up
in real life, or were unable to
take the test because of an


                       JOE DOE (cont'd)
absense, what do you do with the
family members who you think might
be dieing but could pull through
or those family members already
dead that come back to life
because of a curse or some other
form of witchcraft?
                       MR. BIGGS
We'll kill them if they are alive
or about to die, leave them if
they are dead. ANy more questions?
EVeryone looks angrily at Joe.
                       MR. BIGGS
Great! We can start. I've decided
to infect everycomputer on the
face of the earth with a giant
computer virus. Only I have the
key to getting rid of it, a
program that will have millions
kneeling at my knees as soon as
the virus starts. You see. No work
can be done. No wars can be faught
without computers. All of my
computers have the program
installed, so they won't be
effected by the virus. I will
force people to bow down to me. I
will have nukes at my fingertips
just waiting to launch if someone
doesn't comply! Don't you see! My
plan is fool proof. Now the way we
start the virus is by uploading it
to a special website that everyone
will be connected to and they
won't know it! Omnieye here has
just given us the codes, so we can
start the construction of this
website immediately!
Everyone laughs an evil laugh.


                       MR. BIGGS
Just one more thing. Omnieye has
warned me about a James Bonding.
He's trying to stop us. Kill him
quick. Any questions?
                       JOE DOE
Yeah, when are we supposed to kill
this James Bonding. Before or
after the website construction?
                       MR. BIGGS
                       JOE DOE
      (Taking notes)

Got it. Okay. I can do that easily
you know.
                       MR. BIGGS
How? You don't have any armies or
gang members.
                       JOE DOE
No. I've got these hippies that I
pay to save the rainforest. They
double as really weird bounty
                       MR. BIGGS
That's handy. It's your job then.
Kill Bonding.
                       JOE DOE
Okay. They won't let you down.
Everyone leaves the room, and the scene ends.


The scene starts with a shot of James walking down the
street. The camera then changes and shows him sneaking into
a warehouse. He hides behind some crates. In the warehouse,
there are men working on computers.
Good thing I already read the
script and figured out what Mr.
Bigg's world domination plans are.
Now I don't have to pump anyone
else for information. Now, all I
have to do is stop the website
from being constructed. That's why
I'm here.
Some hippie assasins walk up behind James as he is talking
to himself. They point their guns at him.
                       HIPPIE ASSASIN #1
Yeah. Dude, we're here to blow
your brains out. It's beautiful
James stand up and faces the Hippie assasins. He drops his
gun, and puts his hands up.
Fine, but by doing that you
wouldn't be very peaceful.
                       HIPPIE ASSASIN #2
Whoa man. He's right. We're
hippies and we don't like to shoot
people. Far out man.
                       HIPPIE ASSASIN #1
I got it dudes. Let's get another
square to kill him for us. Ya.
                       HIPPIE ASSASIN #1
Good idea man. Your brains working
good today dude. It's like,


                       HIPPIE ASSASIN #2
But what square is going to shoot
him, dude?
                       HIPPIE ASSASIN #2
I'm sure one of those computer
geeks would love to do it man. You
know, I love love, dude.
                       HIPPIE ASSASIN #1
Totally man. After all, they are
on our side dude.
The two hippie assasins look up. Then they look all around,
but can't find James. He left when they were deciding what
to do.
                       HIPPIE ASSASIN #1
I can't believe it dude. He like,
gave us the slip.
                       HIPPIE ASSASIN #2
Ah purple peas man. Very purple
The two hippies split up to look for James. The scene ends.
The scene starts with a shot of James sneaking around the
warehouse. He hides behind another set of crates. He sees
the hippies looking for him. One of the computer scientists
walks by James. James stays low and follows him into the
bathroom. There are some punching and kicking sounds. Then
James comes out wearing the scientist's robe so the hippies
won't recognize him. He walks out of the bathroom and
continues looking around the warehouse. Then, across the
room he sees an elevator door with two guards standing next
to it. A scientist walks up to the guard and shows him a ID
card. Then the guards let him go in. James looks around for
a card. He takes a quick look at one that another scientist
is wearing. It has the scientist's picture on it.


If I ever want to get in there to
destroy the disc where the virus
is on, I'll need something with my
picture on it so I can cut it out
and put it on one of those ID
cards. I've got an idea!
The camera shows James leaving the warehouse. He then walks
down the street and sees a DMV. He goes into the DMV. A few
minutes later he comes back out with a driving permit. He
goes back into the warehouse. As a scientist walks by he
quickly snaches the ID card from the scientist's pocket. The
scientist stops, turns around and looks at James.
                       SCIENTIST #1
Excuse me sir. But I think you
have something of mine.
James quickly says, "Yo no talko ingles," and runs away. He
hides behind a crate.
Now I need a Swiss army knife.
James turns around and looks at the crate. It says, "Swedish
Army Knives." He opens the crate and inside are a bunch of
Swiss army knife ripoffs. James takes one and tries to open
it to use the knife, but it doesn't open. He throws it
behind him. He grabs another, but the same thing happens. He
throws it behind him. Finally he finds one that opens and
uses it to take the picture off his Driving Permit and trade
it with the one on the ID card.
Now I need some glue. Hmmmmmm.


Suddenly a tanker truck pulls into the Warehouse. On the
side it reads, "Elmo's Knockoff Glue". As soon as the truck
stops, the driver gets out and talks to one of the
scientists. James sneaks up next to it and uses his swedish
army knife to puncture a hole in the side of the tanker.
Glue starts pouring out. Soon their is a huge puddle of it
on the floor. James uses his knife to spread a little bit on
the ID card. Then he sticks his picture on it. He turns to
leave, but his foot is stuck in the glue.
For crying out loud!
James tugs on his leg, but it doesn't come lose. He tugs on
it some more and then just gives up and takes his shoe off.
He walks away from the mess, and makes his way to the
elevator. The scene ends.
The scene starts with a shot of James in a scientist's suit,
walking up to the elevator. He shows the guards his ID, and
they let him in. When he gets into the elevator, another
scientist comes in with him. The elevator starts moving, not
upward but downward. This surprises James and he decides to
ask the other scientist about it.
Say, how many floors down does
this elevator go?
                       SCIENTIST #2
You should know, you do work here.
Actually I don't.
                       SCIENTIST #2
What are you talking about? How'd
you get into the elevator then?
Fine. I'll tell you. If you must
know, I am a british secret agent,
and got on the elevator with a
faulty ID card in order to stop


                       JAMES (cont'd)
Mr. Biggs' world domination plans.
                       SCIENTIST #2
Yeah right. And I'm Bob Dole.
You're Bob Dole!
                       SCIENTIST #2
No. It's just an expression.
An expression, huh?
Before the scientist can answer, the scientist exits the
elevator and James follows. The scene ends.
The scene starts with a shot of James exiting the elevator.
He enters a huge room filled with tanks, cars, guns, ammo,
missles, and bombs. James walks around for a while. Next he
is shown out of breath from all the looking around. Finally
he rests against a missle rack. He sneezes and the missle
rack topples over, and all the missles scatter on the floor.
Everyone else stops working and looks at James. It's very
My bad. Sorry. I'll pick them all
up. I promise.
Everyone starts working again. James struggles to put the
missles back on the rack, but they are too heavy. He looks
around for a fork lift, and sees one across the room. He
walks over to it, but someone is using it. He walks up to
the driver.
Hey, Mr. Can I use that fork lift
after you? I had a little missle
spillage over there. I'm unable to
lift them back on the rack by


                       FORK LIFT DRIVER
Okay, but a, what's your name?
I'm Bob Dole.
                       FORK LIFT DRIVER
Sure you are. And I'm Gary
You're Gary Coleman!
                       FORK LIFT DRIVER
No, it's just an expression.
      (Not hearing the
       Driver's last
Wow! There's lots of famous people
The man finishes using the forklift, and he gives it to
James. James climbs in, and trys to drive it, but ends up
crashing into ammo containers and crashing into tanks.
Finally, he crashes into a wall, and just gives up. Two of
Mr. Bigg's guards approach James.
                       BIGG'S GUARD #1
Boss wants to see you. He says
you're causing too much damage to
be any help to him.
                       BIGG'S GUARD #2
Yeah, he wants to see you. He says
you're causing too much damage to
be doing any good.
                       BIGG'S GUARD #1
Hey, dude. I just said that. You
don't need to say it again.
                       BIGG'S GUARD #2
Stop arguing. Just grab him. Let's


The two guards grab James and drag him by the camera. The
scene ends.
The scene starts with the two guards throwing James into an
office. They shut the door and stand infront of it,
preventing any escape. Mr. Biggs is sitting at a desk in the
center of the room.
                       MR. BIGGS
Take a seat, please.
James sits in a chair in the office.
                       MR. BIGGS
Now. Who are you?
I'm Tom Cruise.
                       MR. BIGGS
You're Tom Cruise!
No, it's just an expression. I'm
Bonding. James Bonding.
                       MR. BIGGS
We'll have I got a surprise for
you. You're supposed to be dead.
I am?
                       MR. BIGGS
Okay, whatever.
Mr. Biggs walks over to a safe, and turns the dial to the
right combonation. It opens, and he takes out a disk. He
then closes the safe.


                       MR. BIGGS
In my hand, I hold the key to our
future. This computer virus will
render all computers useless. All
computers except mine. That'll
give me the edge to-
      (interrupting Mr.
-take over the world. Yes, yes. I
know. I already read the script.
                       MR. BIGGS
Then in that case, guards, take
him out back and shoot him.
The guards grab James' arms.
                       BIGG'S GUARD #1
You're coming with us.
                       BIGG'S GUARD #2
Yeah, you're coming with us.
                       BIGG'S GUARD #1
I already said that! Stop copying
                       BIGG'S GUARD #2
Stop copying me. Stop copying me.
STop copying me.
                       BIGG'S GUARD #1
Mr. Biggs!
                       MR. BIGGS
You two better get along or I'll
shoot both of you.
                       MR. BIGGS
You two better get along or I'll
shoot both of you.


                       MR. BIGGS
You two better get along or I'll
shoot both of you.
                       BIGG'S GUARD #2
Yeah, he'll shoot both of us.
                       BIGG'S GUARD #1
I already knew that. Stop copying
                       BIGG'S GUARD #2
Stop copying everyone. Stop
copying everyone. Stop copying
                       MR. BIGGS
Alright, that's it. You two, come
with me out back. I can't stand it
Mr. Biggs sets the disk on the desk, and grabs a gun. He
grabs the two guards and starts to leave the room with them.
Hey, wait a minute. What are you
going to do with me?
                       MR. BIGGS
Oh right. Can't you just go kill
yourself out back? I'm kind of
busy here.
Mr. Biggs and the guards leave the room. James grabs the
That was easy. Now I've got to get
out of here safely. I told Mr.
Funnymoney to drive his car over
here to pick me up. I hope he's
waiting for me out back where I
told him to.


James leaves the room with the disk as the scene ends.
The scene starts with a shot of James running out of the
warehouse. He walks around back. Mr. Funnymoney is inside of
his car looking very sad. Mr. Biggs and the two bodyguards
are a few feet infront of the car arguing. James gets in the
What's wrong Mr. Funnymoney?
                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
I hit two people on the way over
here! I still only have one arm,
so I couldn't honk the horn in
time. I'm going to jail!
Don't feel so bad. I got the disk,
so you helped me save the world.
The judges will take that into
account I'm sure.
                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
I don't know. I still feel guilty.
And I still killed two people.
You'll feel better in a couple of
days. Let's go.
Mr. Funnymoney starts the car. Then it starts moving
Watch out! You're about to hit
those battling gang members!
It's too late, before Mr. Funnymoney has time to react, the
car runs over Mr. Biggs and his two guards.


                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
I did it again! The count is up to
five. Five innocent souls I've
killed! I'm going away for life!
James gets out of the car, and looks at the bodies. He gets
back into the car.
Those weren't gang members
battling behing our speeding car!
That was Mr. Biggs and his two
guards. You killed them.
                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
Hey! That's two good people I've
killed and three evil. Two cancel
eachother out. That means I'm good
again! I killed an evil guy! I'm
not going to jail.
That's fantastic, but you are
going to have to back out of this
alley, because there's a brick
wall up ahead.
                       MR. FUNNYMONEY
Okay. Great.
Mr. Funnymoney backs the car up over the bodies as the scene
fades black and the credits appear.


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From Daniel Siegel Date 4/21/2013 0 stars
Short, very poor writing and how could you spoof James Bond.

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