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Hot Date
by K Meeks (Rocker.Chestwell@gmail.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***1/2
A date that goes bad. Real bad!


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



HOT DATE

FADE IN:

INT. DUMPY APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - DAY
                                                            
The place is littered with empty pizza boxes and beer cans.
Laundry is piled on the floor.

EDDY (21), sits on a small rugged sofa staring blankly at
the World Poker Tour on a small TV perched on a makeshift
entertainment center.

The show cuts to a commercial. Eddy absently gazes around
the room.

Eddy stands up, tugs at his baggy sweat pants. He staggers
toward a closed door.

INT. DUMPY APARTMENT BEDROOM - CONTINUES

Sid is on top of SARA (22) humping vigorously. The small
bed SQUEAKS loudly.

The door opens, Eddy sticks his head into the room.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Hey Sid, you seen my bong?
                                                            
Sid continues to hump Sara.
                                                            
                       SID
I'm sort of busy here E.
                                                            
                       SARA
Get the fuck out you prick!
                                                            
Sid stops humping.
                                                            
                       SID
Hey you don't have to be rude.
                                                            
                       SARA
What? Are you serous?
                                                            

2.

                       SID
I already finished anyway. I'll
help you find your bong E.
                                                            
                       SARA
Are you kidding me! You finished!
                                                            
                       SID
I'll be right back. I'll do that
thing you like. You know... with
the...
                                                            
Sid smiles at Sara.

Sara pushes Sid off of her.
                                                            
                       SARA
Forget it!
                                                            
                       SID
I'll be there in a minute E.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Oh uh ok. I'll just wait out here.
                                                            
DUMPY APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
                                                            
Eddy walks around the room, looks underneath a pile of
clothes.

Sid walks into the room wearing only a pair of boxer shorts.
He has an obvious erection.

Eddy turns, faces Sid. Puts his hands up to his face to
hide his eyes.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Oh god man! You might want let
that thing deflate first.
                                                            
Sid looks down.
                                                            

3.

                       SID
Oh yeah sorry man. I need to take
a leak.
                                                            
INT. DUMPY APARTMENT BATHROOM - CONTINUES
                                                            
Sid walks in, sees a large bong sitting next to the toilet.
                                                            
                       SID
There you are.
                                                            
Sid bends down, picks up the bong.
                                                            
INT. DUMPY APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - CONTINUES

Eddy stands in front of the TV.

Sid walks into the room holding the bong.
                                                            
                       SID
Eddy... Have you been hitin' the
bong while on the crapper again?
                                                            
                       EDDY
Oh yeah I forgot all about that.
                                                            
                       SID
I told ya man you gotta cut that
out. That's just gross.
                                                            
                       EDDY
I'm sorry man. Thanks for finding
her.
                                                            
Eddy takes the bong from Sid, cradles it in his arms like a
baby.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Look Sid I need you're advice. You
know that older chick Lisa I
started seeing. Well I don't know
what to do to impress her. Cuz
she's older and it's just--
                                                            

4.

                       SID
E man I got your back don't sweat
it. Sit down and I'll think of
something.
                                                            
Eddy sits on the couch. Sid sits next to him, and puts his
hand to his chin in contemplation.

Eddy takes takes a bong hit.
                                                            
                       SID
What have you two been doing so
far?
                                                            
                       EDDY
I've been taking her to
restaurants. You know sit down
restaurants. It's killing me too
man I'm almost broke.
                                                            
                       SID
I got it man! Instead of taking
her out you tell you're going to
go over to her place and fix her
dinner. That will impress the
shit out of her!
                                                            
Eddy look up from his bong.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Problem Sid you know I can't cook.
                                                            
                       SID
You don't have to. You just get
the shit already made go into the
kitchen bang some pots and pans
around and then serve dinner.
                                                            
Eddy nods his head.
                                                            
                       SID
Just get some cheap shit from
Herbert's Grocery store they
cater.
                                                            

5.

                       EDDY
Yeah I think I can handle that.
I'm going to call her and set it
up.
                                                            
Sid high fives Eddy.
                                                            
                       SID
That's my man!
                                                            
Eddy looks down at a wobbly end table next to the couch. The
base of a cordless phone sits on the table, the receiver is
gone.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Shit! Where's the phone?
                                                            
Sid looks toward the bathroom.

Eddy LAUGHS and nods his head.

INT. DUMPY APARTMENT BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Eddy sits on the toilet, phone to his ear.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Hey it's me Eddy. Instead of
taking you out tonight I thought
I'd come over to your place and
fix you dinner.
(beat)
Oh yeah I'm one heck of a cook.
I'll be over there around seven.
                                                            
Eddy lets out a huge FART.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Oh uh that was my room mate. He's
got gas. Anyhow I'll see you
tonight.
                                                            
Eddy hangs up and dials the phone again.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Uh yeah can you connect me to
Herbert's Grocery on Vine street.
                                                            

6.

Eddy lets out a series of thunderous FARTS.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Thank you.
(beat)
Yeah I need some food catered.
I'll pick it up if you could just
have it ready for me.
                                                            
Eddy lets out more FARTS.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Why the deli? I don't want ham
and shit I want something like
chicken and some mashed potatoes.
(beat)
And hot sauce lots of hot sauce.
Oh and maybe some broccoli.
                                                            
INT. LISA'S APRARTMENT - LATER
                                                            
LISA (30), sits in a big comfy chair reading a book. She
glances at her watch.

The doorbell RINGS.

Lisa stands up, goes to the door.

Eddy stands at the door with a big brown paper grocery bag
in his arm. He wears his best polo shirt.
                                                            
                       EDDY
I hope you're ready for a treat.
                                                            
                       LISA
Yeah come on in.
                                                            
Eddy walks into the room.
                                                            
                       LISA
The Kitchen is this way.
                                                            
INT. LISA'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Eddy sits the bag down on the counter.

Lisa gives Eddy a big hug.
                                                            

7.

                       LISA
Well are you ready to get started.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Yeah I'm good. Just tell me where
the pans and pots and all that
shit's at.
                                                            
Lisa LAUGHS.
                                                            
                       LISA
Ok silly. The pots are in that
cabinet right next to the stove.
                                                            
Lisa points to a cabinet above.
                                                            
                       LISA
Plates are in there. Oh and
utensils are in the top drawer.
                                                            
                       EDDY
We'll I'm set. You just go relax
and I'll take care of everything.
                                                            
                       LISA
Ok you big sweetie. I'm going to
go in the living room and read.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Studying for something?
                                                            
                       LISA
No just reading.
                                                            
Eddy looks puzzled.
                                                            
                       EDDY
For fun?
                                                            
                       LISA
Yes. Something wrong with that?
                                                            

8.

                       EDDY
Oh uh no not at all. You go read
your book and I'll get to work.
                                                            
Lisa GIGGLES, walks out of the room.

Eddy reaches into the paper bag, pulls out a pack of frozen
chicken.
                                                            
                       EDDY
What the fuck!?
                                                            
Eddy pulls out a small bag of potatoes, a bag of broccoli.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Oh no! Shit!
                                                            
Eddy opens the cabinet next to the stove, fumbles around and
takes out three pots. He places the pots on the stove.

Eddy opens the package of frozen chicken, dumps it into one
of the pans. He opens the broccoli and places it in another
pan. He studies the knobs on the stove, turns them.

Eddy opens the bag of potatoes, dumps them on the counter.
He begins randomly opening draws, stops when he finds a
knife.
                                                            
                       LISA (O.S.)
Everything ok in there?
                                                            
                       EDDY
Yeah everything's fine. Just
peeling some potato's.
                                                            

9.

Eddy begins to peel potatoes, he puts them in the empty pot.

Eddy reaches into the paper bag and pulls out a bottle of
hot sauce.

INSERT HOT SAUCE LABEL READING: "Liquid Death"

Eddy opens the bottle, douses the chicken. He looks at the
potatoes for a moment. He begins to douse them with the hot
sauce and then spills it all over.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Shit!
                                                            
Eddy looks around the room grabs a roll of paper towels and
begins to wipe up hot sauce.

INT. LISA'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

Lisa sits in her chair reading her book.

Eddy walks into the room.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Hey uh where's your bathroom?
                                                            
Lisa looks up from her book, points to a hallway.
                                                            
                       LISA
First door on your left.
                                                            
INT. LISA'S KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Eddy walks back into the kitchen. He opens a drawer, takes
out a wooden spoon and begins to stir his concoctions.

Eddy's face turns red. He squeezes his legs together and
starts bouncing around.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Oh shit! Hot!
                                                            
INT. LISA'S APARTMENT - CONTINUES

Eddy hurries into the room, heads toward the bathroom.

10.


Lisa looks up from her book.
                                                            
                       LISA
Bathroom again?
                                                            
                       EDDY
Uh yeah I had a couple of 40's on
the way over and my bladder's the
size of a fuckin' pea.
                                                            
INT. LISA'S BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Eddy stands at the sink. He stares at his beat red
complexion in the mirror as he splashes water onto his
crotch.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Ahhh, much better.
                                                            
INT. LISA'S KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Eddy takes plates from a cabinet. Using the wooden spoon he
places half cooked blazing hot sauce chicken onto a plate.

Eddy's eyes begin to water, he starts jumping around.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Shit!
                                                            
Eddy rolls his eyes.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Christ why is this still burning!
                                                            
Eddy's cell phone RINGS. He takes it out of his pocket and
answers.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Hello?
                                                            
                       SID (V.O.)
E man, just thought I'd call and
see how dinner was going.
                                                            

11.

                       EDDY
      (almost crying)
They fucked it all up man. They
didn't give me cooked food.
                                                            
                       SID (V.O.)
Calm down Eddy. Are you crying?
                                                            
                       EDDY
Yeah but not because of that. I
got hot sauce on my dick!
                                                            
                       SID (V.O.)
I've met some freaky girls before
but--
                                                            
                       EDDY
No I went to piss I must of had it
on my hands. It's burning like
hell Sid what do I do?
                                                            
                       SID (V.O.)
Just go in the bathroom and splash
some cold water on it.
                                                            
                       EDDY
I can't man I've done been to the
bathroom twice. I mean she's
gonna think I have something wrong
with me.
                                                            
                       SID (V.O.)
Ok calm down. The freezer. Find
something in the freezer to put on
it.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Uh ok good idea man. I'll talk to
you later.
                                                            
                       SID (V.O.)
Ok, good luck.
                                                            

12.

Eddy peeps into the living room, sees Lisa in the chair
still occupied by her book.

Eddy opens the freezer. He takes out a roll of frozen
sausage and shoves it down his pants.

INT. LISA'S APARTMENT - CONTINUES

Lisa turns a page in her book.

The phone RINGS. Lisa sets the book down and answers.
                                                            
                       LISA
Hello?
                                                            
                       MARGRET (V.O.)
So is he there?
                                                            
                       LISA
Yeah it's so cute. He's in there
fixing dinner now.
                                                            
                       MARGRET (V.O.)
What's he making.
                                                            
                       LISA
I don't know but it smells like
he's burning the god damn house
down.
                                                            
                       MARGRET (V.O.)
Let me know how it goes.
                                                            
                       LISA
Ok Margaret. I'm going to check
on him now. By.
                                                            
INT. LISA'S KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Lisa enters the room. She looks down at the bulge in Eddy's
pants, her eyes widen.

Eddy quickly turns around.
                                                            

13.

                       EDDY
Ok uh everything's almost ready.
                                                            
                       LISA
It smells delicious. I'll set the
table.
                                                            
Lisa begins to set place settings on the table.

Eddy quickly pulls the roll of frozen sausage out of his
pants.

Lisa turns, faces Eddy. He quickly hides the sausage behind
his back.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Uh, I think it's done.
                                                            
INT. DUMPY APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - CONTINUES

Sid sits on the couch, flips through channels on the TV.

Sid cocks his head to the side.
                                                            
                       SID
120 channels and not one thing
worth watching.
                                                            
Sid flips the channel, a cooking show is on the TV.

Sid shakes his head.
                                                            
                       SID
Poor Eddy. If his brain was only
as big as his heart.
                                                            
INT. LISA'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Lisa and Eddy sit at a small kitchen table. A plate of what
Eddy prepared sits in front of each of them
                                                            
                       EDDY
You first.
                                                            

14.

Eddy's hands go to his crotch, he bounces his leg up and
down. He clinches his teeth and forces a smile.

Lisa pops a bite of chicken into her mouth, chews and
swallows.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Well, how is it?
                                                            
Lisa's face begins to turn red, her eyes tear up.
                                                            
                       LISA
Holy shit! Hh, hh, hh, hhot!
                                                            
Lisa picks up a glass of wine that sits in front of her and
guzzles it.
                                                            
                       EDDY
Well uh yeah it's a little spicy.
                                                            
Lisa fans her mouth.
                                                            
                       LISA
Spicy. I think it was spawned in
hell!
                                                            
Lisa stands up, turns and walks toward the refrigerator.
                                                            
                       EDDY
      (mumbles to
       himself)
Why is it still burning.
                                                            
Eddy fidgets, rubs his crotch. He begins to breath hard.

Lisa returns from the refrigerator with two bowls and a
gallon of vanilla ice cream.
                                                            
                       LISA
I have to cool my mouth down.
Christ how much hot sauce did you
use?
                                                            

15.

Lisa sits down, opens the ice cream and scopes out two
bowls. She sits a bowl in front of Eddy.
                                                            
                       LISA
Why are you breathing so heavy?
                                                            
                       EDDY
I can't take it anymore!
                                                            
Eddy quickly stands up, unzips his pants and grabs the bowl
of ice cream. He turns away from Lisa.

Lisa looks at Eddy astonished as she sees the bowl of ice
cream at his crotch.
                                                            
                       LISA
What the hell are you doing!
                                                            
Eddy sighs in relief.
                                                            
                       LISA
Get the hell out of here you
pervert!
                                                            
INT. DUMPY APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - LATER

Sid sits on the couch leaning forward staring intently at
the cooking show on TV.

Eddy walks into the apartment.

Sid looks up from the TV.
                                                            
                       SID
Hey E. How did the date go?
                                                            
                       EDDY
I don't think it went too bad Sid.

                                                            
Eddy sits on the couch next to Sid.
                                                            

16.

                       EDDY
Hey Sid you seen my bong?
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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From Andrew Date 5/16/2005 ***1/2
I really enjoyed reading this, it was creative and funny. Great job.


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