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by Josh Doty & Joe Doty (blues_cards@hotmail.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review: **
A comedy based on the stuggles of life, involving death, narcoleptic dogs, a sexually aggressive octagenerian, and vulgar humor.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


A 1980 Chevy Citation pulls up to the back of a restaurant.
Two people get out.
SUPER: "7:00 A.M."
The driver is a man in his mid-to-late twenties. His
passenger, also his brother, is a little younger and of the
same average height and build.

The driver is Ed. His passenger, Tom.

They both slam their doors. Tom's door pops back open. Ed
makes his way to the restaurant door while Tom keeps
slamming his car door. Ed puts the key in the door and
tries turning it, but nothing happens. In the background,
Tom is getting irritated with his door and slamming it
progressively harder.

Ed tries the key again. Still no luck. He then starts
getting irritated. They both slam on their respective doors
as hard as they can. Ed stops and looks back at Tom. Tom
is still furiously slamming his door. Finally, Tom kicks
the door, it shuts hard shattering the window. He looks
back at Ed.
SUPER: "7:30 A.M."
Inside a kitchen clearly not up to code stand the two men.
There's dishes in the sink and dirty pots and pans skewed
about around the small kitchen. The back door is broken off
of it's hinges and lies on the floor. Tom and Ed stand over
a few freshly made meals.
Who's eggs?
Officer Petty
Fucking cops.
Tom spits on the eggs and generously spreads it around.


What about the pancakes and
Oh, uh I think that's Mrs.
When I was in third grade, that
bitch yelled at me for drawing on
my desk.
Tom once again spreads his spit around on the order.
You can't stop an artist's
And, Who gets the the biscuits and
That priest from that church.
What religion?
Catholic I think.
      (With a sinister
I had a friend once who was an
Tom congers up all the mucus he can and spits the biggest
loogey anyone has ever seen in the salad.
God bless you.


Ed is standing at the register eagerly awaiting another
customer when a tall, skinny man with obviously bad hygeine
walks in the restaurant. This is Stoner. His name says
everything about him.
Congratulations Stoner, your only
4 hours late today.
Whatever just don't tell the boss.
I am the boss, dumbshit.
Stoner laughs stupidly.
Tom walks in from the back.
What's so funny?
He just said he was boss dumbshit.
Just get to work, asshole.
Yes sir Mr. dumbshit.
Ed deposits money in the register and goes back to the
kitchen. Stoner goes to the register as a customer walks
up. The customer is a very conservative looking woman in
her early forties.
Welcome to McDonalds, do you wanna
get high.
Stoner laughs for an uncomfortably long time as the customer
stares at him angrily.
                       ED (o.s.)
Knock that shit off, and for the
last fucking time this isn't
The customer looks surprised and even mored disgusted at
Ed's comments.


Ed walks out and notices the expression on her face. He
realizes this was his doing.
      (to customer)
What? You try putting up with
his shit all the time.
She looks at him with awe. She then slowly, as if she's
just been violated, walks out the front door.
The entire time this is going on stoner has a big grin on
his face.
Ed, with a depressed demeanor, looks over at stoner who is
still smiling and looking out the door.
      (half chuckling)
Good times!
Tom walks around the back to throw garbage into the
dumpster. As he starts to put the trash in he notices a
piece of paper lying at the bottom. He investigates and
learns the piece of paper is a note. A note not addressed
to anyone in particular. The note reads:

If you want to get rich, you son of a bitch,
I'll tell you what to do:
Never sit down with a tear or a frown,
And paddle your own canoe.
Tom tosses the note aside, choosing to ignore it. As he
tosses it in, out of nowhere stoner jumps completely in the
dumpster after it.
      (looking down)
What're you doing stoner?
Stoner comes out of the dumpster with the note in his hand
and a pile of trash on top of his head including a used
condom attached to the corner of his mouth.

He wipes the condom off his mouth. He cleans the trash out
of his hair.
It's my lunch break and I was
bored. Who gave you this note?


Nobody. I found it in the
      (looking at the
Yeah, well, he's calling you a son
of a bitch. You wan't me to kick
his ass?
Just put it back and get inside.
Your lunch break was over an hour
Tight ass.
I'm not a tight ass.
They both walk back inside.
There are two men sitting at one of the tables eating their
food. We come in mid-discussion.
So then he finished third in
In the whole league?
Yeah, in the whole fucking league.
Hey, let me ask you something.
This isn't a fast food restaurant,
but we have to get our own food.
What is that?
I don't know. The owners probably
don't make enough to hire waiters.
Tom and Stoner come out of the kitchen sword fighting with


Wait a second.
      (coming to a
This is a shitty restaurant.
Stoner and Tom are in serious combat. They come around next
to the tables. The only people in the restaurant are the
two criticizing the place they have frequented for lunch.
Got anymore Stillman stories up
your sleeve?
Yeah. There was this one time his
rookie year in Calgary that he-
- You mean St. Louis.
      (leaving the story)
No, I meant what I said. Stillman
started in Calgary.
Stoner and Tom are at the climax of their battle. Tom
swings his broomstick and breaks Stoner's in half. Stoner
throws it down and charges Tom, but to no avail, as Tom
trips him and stands over the fallen Stoner.
You were a worthy foe, but thoust
time has cometh.
Tom raises his broomstick for the final blow when Ed comes
out of the back.
Tom looks over and sees that Ed is yelling at the two
restaurant patrons who are themselves rolling around the
ground in an epic battle.
He runs over to them and breaks them up.
What the fuck are you two fighting


For some stupid reason he thinks
Cory Stillman started with St.
Louis, when everyone knows he
started with Calgary.
      (to Bill)
It's true, he did.
Everyone knows that.
They have a small two bedroom appartment. It's the best
they can get with their wages. They have old sports
memorablilia hanging on the wall of their living room.
Both of them are sitting on their couch in front of their
television. They're watching a hockey game while they eat.
Aren't you kind of sick of this
      (Mouth full of
It was just a bad call. We'll
kill it off.
No, I meant our lifestyle. We run
a piece of shit restaurant, we
live in a piece of shit
On the t.v. the opposition scored a goal.
We have a piece of shit goalie.
Do you mind, I'm trying put some
perspective on our crappy lives.
Do you have to do it out loud?


Fuck it. Nevermind.
Oh come on. I was just kidding
sweetheart. Tell me how bad our
lives are.
I was just saying, you know. We
live are lives in squalor for no
reason. I mean why can't we find
a way to get money. People do it
all the time by inventing some
machine no one really needs, or
suing a company for something that
really wasn't the company's fault.
The opposition scores again.
      (yelling at the
Can we sue this damn team for
being so fucking bad?
Do you mind? I'm working on a
revalation here.

See, what I'm getting at is that
all these people make their money
by having no moral value.
So you want to turn evil and sell
all the ignorant, good people bad
Not necessarily sell them bad
stuff, but do something
dehuminizing to trick them into
giving us their money.
You have a beautiful soul.
So what do you think?
Ed opens a beer.


If it gets me out of this hellhole
I like it.
The camera pans across the room and stops at a table upon
which the note from the dumpster lies.
Tom and Ed unlock the restaurant and go inside.
Tom and Ed get the place ready for business. Ed turns on the
Ah, another day of killing people
slowly with our healthy food.
You know you complain more than
That's because Stoner doesn't know
where he is half of the time.

Yesterday he actually asked me why
people keep asking him for food.
Tom looks over towards the tables and notices that Stoner is
asleep in one of the booths.

Tom walks over and shakes him.
What the hell are you doing here?
      (Still tired)
I thought my shift started so I
broke in and got ready for work.
Do you understand what's wrong
with what you just said.


What? Do I not work here?
Just get behind the register.
                       ED (o.s.)
For future reference Stoner, when
you have to break into the place
it's probably not time for your
Tom looks to the right and notices a broken window. Ed
walks up next to him noticing the same thing.
      (To Stoner)
That's definitely coming out of
your paycheck.
It's about noon and the lunch crowd hits the restaurant. All
three of the employees are working non-stop. Tom is working
the register. A young woman is next in line. She walks up
to the register.
Hi, how may I help you today.
I'll take a chesseburger with no
A hamburger.
--And an iced-tea.
If you wouldn't mind could I ask
you a question?
Sure, I guess.
If you needed a lot money, how
would you go about making it?


Uhh.. I guess you could go to
school and earn a degree in--
No. No. That's not what I meant.
I mean make a lot of money quick,
not in a few years.
You could invest money in the
stock market.
No. I mean how do you make money
without working for it, or already
having it.
You mean just instantly getting a
bunch of money for nothing.
Yeah. Exactly
You can't, or else we'd all be
Alright. Thanks. You were a big
Hey! Don't just dismiss me like
that. You asked an impossible
Sure. Whatever. Just take your
food and leave.
Seriously, how'd you expect me to
answer something like that?
With an answer that could somehow
be construed as something helpful.


You know what, Fuck you! Don't
blame me for not giving you an
excuse to get out of your pathetic
life. You don't need money, you
need help. Try going to a
therapist the next time you decide
to ask a question that can't be
The woman storms out the door. Ed walks up to the register
to see what the noise was about.
That woman was seriously insecure.
Ed nodds his head.
Tom and Ed have just locked up the restaurant and are about
to get into the car. Ed gets in the drivers side and Tom who
is too busy thinking of a get rich quick scheme gets into
the backseat of the car and closes the door. Ed pulls out of
the parking lot and heads down the road.
      (Impersonating Cab
So, Where you headed?
Tom looks around and notices he is in the backseat.
What the hell?
So, got something on your mind or
have you been hanging out with
Stoner too much?


      (Trying to talk
       and think at the
       same time)
I was just thinking ... Actually
you gave me an idea... Drugs! We
can use drugs to make money!
Fuck you, I'm not pushing
No, not selling drugs. Using
Yep, you've been spending to much
time with Stoner allright. You've
caught hash fever.
No, not using them to get high.
Are you sure you know what drugs
Yes, asshole, I know what drugs
are. What I'm saying is that we
can use the drugs to make people
give us money.
I'm not sure yet.
You can see Ed playing a video game in the foreground. In
the background Tom is studying, trying to figure out a way
to use drugs for his scheme.


Why are you so bent on getting
money? Why can't you live a
hapless existence like everyone
I don't know for some reason I'm
full of ambition.
And the only thing you can think
to do with that ambition is use it
to rip people off?
There is a knock at the door.
Who is it?
Their neighbor BROOKE KAUFMAN answers and Tom tells her to
come in.
She walks in.
She sits next to Tom. Brooke is a very attractive young
woman who shares in the same poverty that the guys do. She
is going to school to become a lawyer. She is criticized
often by Tom and Ed for this.
Ed gets up and goes to the kitchen. The camera then focuses
on Tom and brooke.
      (To Tom)
What're you doing?
I'm trying to find a drug that I
can use to trick people out of
their money.
                       ED (o.s..)
Do you thnk that's illegal?
Ed walks into the room and hands Brooke and Tom a beer. He
then leans against a wall near them.


      (To Ed)
You're in on this too?
I'm just playing the role of
supportive older brother.
Plus I also want money.
You both are idiots.
I'd like to refer you to the case
of Fuck vs. You.
Brooke scoffs at Ed as he returns to his video game. She
then puts her full attention on Tom.
Why do you want to trick people
out of thier money?
I figure it's easier than actually
having to work for it. Plus it's
probably a hell of a lot more fun.
So you would rather do this than
going to school and actually
making something out of yourself.
If you and Ed put your heads
together you could probably turn
the restaurant into a successful
Again, that takes too much work.
Like any good slacker, we're just
trying to find the easy way out.
So are you just going to sit
there, or are you going to act
like a lawyer and help us fuck
people out of their money.
I'm not a lawyer yet, so I'm going
to do the right thing and leave.


Brooke leaves and Ed walks over and sits next to Tom.
Sooner or later we're going to
break her ethical spirit.
And then she'll blossom into the
great, hot ass lawyer she was
destined to be.
It's about 9:00 in the morning and the breakfast crowd is
surging through the restaurant.
Ed and Tom are working their asses off because once again
Stoner wasn't on time and they were swamped. Stoner finally
walks in around 10:30 and takes over the register. This is
after the big crowd, so Tom and Ed decide to let Stoner take
control of the place while they go to get breakfast at
The brothers are head toward an actual restaurant to get
some real food for lunch.
I hate vegans.
Where is this coming from?
I had one try to order breakfast
this morning--
--Anyway, he asked me if we had
vegitarian sausage on the menu. I
said 'Why the hell would we have
vegitarian sausage on the menu?'
Then he asked to speak to the
manager. I told him that was me.
And then he proceeded to tell me
that he was a veegan and that we
should respect his kind and make a


                       TOM (cont'd)
menu that would accomodate their
And that's when I got pissed off.
I said 'wait a fuckin second
hippie. In what fucked up
universe would your stupid ass
beliefs be construed as needs?
Just because you cant eat
something that had a face, we're
supposed to figure out how to make
sausage out of fuckin plants. I'm
lazy and that's not how I plan to
spend my time'.
That's brilliant.
Fuckin A.
They pull into the drive through of a Mcdonald's type
restaurant. Ed marvels at the sight at such a successful
restaurant. They drive up to the intercom.
You know what hits me as strange?
The vegan Tom was talking about slowly approaches the
register which is being manned by Stoner.
What's that?
The Vegan holds up a can of paint and snarles at Stoner.
      (to vegan)


They pull up to the drive through speaker.
The intercom speaks in an indecipherable language as they
Yeah. We'll take two number 4's
and a batch of your finest chili
Anyway, I was talking about
You find him strange?
The intercom spues out some more incomprehensible language.
No. What I find strange is that
we havn't fired him yet.

He's practically lost us almost
all of our business, but we still
keep him around.
What d'ya want? There's only three
of us. If there was anymore
business we wouldn't have a
business, we'd have nothing. We'd
probably be working regular jobs
making no money at all and living
in a shitty apartment.
Sounds like a stretch.
Yeah, but we wouldn't have a funny
stoner running around doing stupid
shit... he's a lovable little


They drive up and get their food. Then, they start to drive
I guess.

But I swear if he kills someone,
he's gonna at least get suspended.
Ed and Tom walk in and find the place completely covered in
red paint. They look around and walk up to the counter.
There they discover Stoner covered in red paint.
Welcome to Mcdonald's.
What the hell happened?!
Hey, I think we're out of Vegan
He really is a lovable retard.
You see the guys cleaning up the restaurant through the
front door which has the closed sign on it. All three are
in a bad mood and no one is talking.
Tom after having a bad day went to sleep early leaving Ed by

Ed is drinking what is left of a beer. After finishing he
looks in the refrigerator for more. There is none.
Ed, clearly innebriated, walks down the hall and up the
stairs, tripping and falling a number of times. He comes to
Brooke's apartment.


      (drunk and
       knocking at air)
Knock. Knock.
      (Immitating Brooke)
Who's there?
It's me, Ed.
Come in. I'm naked and lonely.
Ed laughs and then opens the unlocked door and walks inside.
Ed, without even looking, walks straight to Brooke's
refrigerator and fishes for a beer.

Brooke comes out of her bedroom in nothing but a T-shirt and
white cotton panties.
      (Tired and upset)
What are you doing?
Ed turns around and notices what she is wearing. He then
proceeds to stare at her panties.
Panties are awesome!
Seriously, what the hell are you
doing here.
I was... I was... Those are nice.
Ed points to Brooke's panties. She, being embarassed, pulls
her shirt down over them.
You were saying?


      (In a drunken
I was just trying to say that you
look hot in your little panties
Not that, about why your'e in my
apartment at 3 in the morning.
I was just drinking and I realized
that you had beer and I didn't so
I came up here and knocked on your
door and you told me to come in
and that your'e naked and lonely,
so I came in and grabbed a beer.
What are you talking about? I
Ed falls to the floor.
      (About to passout)
Now get out of my apartment.
Ed passes out.

Brooke looks at him for a second and the goes back to bed
leaving Ed on the kitchen floor.
It's the next morning. Tom is up and eating his breakfast
while watching television. Ed comes in hungover. He sits
next to Tom on the couch.
      (mouth full of
Where have you been sunshine?
Brooke's floor.
What happened?


I can't remember. All I remember
is saying somethin about how
awesome her panties are, or
something like that.
You've always been a charming
So how exactly did you see her in
her panties.
I don't know. Maybe she was so
overtaken by my charm that her
pants just fell off in front of

Even though I was drunk, I was
still sexy as hell.
Brooke storms in and throws a pair of pants on ed's head. Ed
looks down and notices he's pantless and wearing a pair of
Listen casanova, if you ever break
into my appartment and steal my
underwear again, I swear I'll
shove a bat so far up your ass
that you'll be shitting splinters
for weeks. Got me asshole.
      (Still groggy)
Sure, but I have to say, these
panties are pretty damned

Not to mention elegant and naughty
all at the same time.
shouldn't you guys be at work or


We own the joint. We can come in
a little late if we want to.
What about that stoner guy.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about it.
It's only 10. He won't be making
it into work for at least another
couple of hours.
I've got a class now, but I'll be
at the restaurant for lunch and
everything I order better be
comped for what this jerkoff did
last night.
Whatever, your meals are always
comped anyway.
I know, but your poor so I can't
really take anything of value for
my revenge, so we're just going to
pretend as if it pisses you off.
Oh it really burns my bottom.
What a bitch.
Brooke glances angrily over at Ed.
      (As she is leaving)
I'll see you later.
Tom notices Ed looking distraught towards the panties he is
I think they look better on her.


Ed and Tom get out of the car and walk up to the restaurant.
Stoner is there and looks displeased.
Where have you guys been. You're
running a business here. You
can't just come along anytime you

Now hurry up and unlock the door.
I'm freezing my ass off.
First of all, fuck you. Second of
all, you have your own set of keys
numb nuts.
That's not the point.
Tom unlocks the door and they all go inside.
It's the lunch shift at the restaurant, but today there
isn't much business. Tom walks over to Ed at the register.
He's holding some sort of vile in his hand.
I've finally got it man.
Good, now we can put it passed us
and get on with our lives.
I've got the answers to our
problems. Look I got this from
He holds out a vile that is marked DK57.


Didn't you pay attention in
school. Tom, drugs are not the
No. This is what we've been
waiting for.

All we have to do is slip this in
some of our more financially
endowed customer's food, and it
knocks them unconscious within an
hour or two.
How does that help us?
We put it in some rich housewive's
order, then we follow her home and
when she's passed out we take her
Ed hesitates for a while.
Alright I like it.
I knew you would.
So how exactly did you manage to
get this from Stoner without him
knowing what it was for.
That's easy I just walked up to
him and said, 'Man I need some
shit that will really fuck someone
up. I mean knock them unconscious
it's so fuckin' good'.

And he went along with and said
his Mom makes some shit just like
His Mom?


How do you know that the victim
won't kill themself trying to
drive home that high.
It's fine. He went into specifics
on the drug and told me how it
doesn't really make you high. It
just knocks you out after a while
and when you wake up, you feel
like you just got fucked up.

So we just talk to the prospective
victim and find out their plans
for the next few hours. When we
find out that they're going home
right after they eat, we slip them
the drug.
Wow, stoner's are really getting
lazy these days. Pretty soon
they'll just start beating each
other in the head with a hammer or
I want to test it out first
though. We have to find someone
to give it to.
Just as he says that Brooke walks in the door. She
confidently walks up to the register.
      (to Brooke)
You'll do.
She looks at him confused.
What do you want. You know,
besides our respect.
I'll take what I usually get.


But, he already gave you an
unwanted dose of sarcasm.
Brooke just smiles at him as Ed goes to make her usual meal.
So what do you plan on doing after
partaking in the great feast we
are about to provide for you.
Just go home and study before my
next class, like I always do.
Are you sure?

Why are you planning something?
Ed comes back and sets the meal on the counter. Brooke
starts eating it, still intrigued by Tom's answer. She
decides not to pursue an explanation.
So, any headway on the great
scheme you plan to pull off?
We'll see shortly.
Your weird.

So, why is it that you need to do
Haven't we been over this before?

I don't know. I think I was just
searching for some deeper reason


                       BROOKE (cont'd)
than to just make an assload of
So what, you want me to say
something like 'My father worked
hard his whole miserable life at
this place and barely made it by.
And me, I'm not going to let that
That would've worked.
It's all kind of cliche don't you
Not to me.
Brooke finished her meal. You can see Ed in the background
peeking around a corner nervously waiting for her to leave.
Well, I've got to go hit the books
so I can get good grades and try
to be successful in a male
dominated industry and in turn
become what my mother and her
mother before her didn't have the
oppurtunity to do.

How do you like that for a cliche?
Brooke leaves. As soon as the door closes behind her Ed
runs up to Tom.
Alright! Hurry up we have to
follow her.
We know where she lives.
Besides, we have to wait a while
for the drug to kick in.


What are we supposed to do until
then? I don't feel like working.
Neither do I.
      (to stoner)
Lately your work ethic has been
suffering so as a punishment
you're going to have to work
your'e entire shift, while we
leave early. We're going to take
the rest of the afternoon off, so
your in charge for a while.
Your'e fired.
Not that kind of "in charge".
An old man walks by on his way out of the restaurant.
      (to old man)
Get the fuck out of my restaurant!
The man gets pissed off and just leaves.
Stoner, the customers are in
charge. Just do what they say.
Tom and Ed leave.
Brooke is passed out on her couch in front of a bunch of
books. Tom and Ed quietly sneak in.
I can't believe it actually
He says this to Ed who has a stupid grin.


Ed points to Brooke who is lying on the couch in her
panties. There is a pair of pants that is visibly stained
with whatever Brooke was drinking lying on the arm of her
We should just do this everyday.
It's later in the day and Tom and Ed are looking for their
first real victim. It's a Sunday so all the old people are
eating their dinners because it's about 4 o'clock.
      (Pointing to an
       old lady)
What about her?
Too decrepit.
      (Confused by his
Too decrepit?
Your right. You don't want to rob
a little old lady, you know,
because they're so crafty.
What the hell was I thinking?
No, smart ass, not decrepit as in
she's hard to rob, but decrepit as
in it's pretty fucked up that were
going to rob a ninety year old
Morals? You're thinking about
morals? We're going to drug
people and then wait till they
pass out at home and then we're
going to rob them. This whole
thing is immoral. You can't just
pussy out because you feel sorry
for the poor people.


      (Giving up)
I guess your right.
I know I'm right. Easy money
doesn't go to good people, it goes
to heartless bastards.
So, how are we supposed to find
out what she's doing later.
We could always ask Stoner.
All right, lets ask Stoner.
Tom looks around and notices he can't find Stoner.
Where the hell is he?
Ed stops a YOUNG WOMAN who is getting ready to leave.
      (Towards younger
Excuse me, have you by any chance
seen the skeevy stoner who served
                       YOUNG WOMAN
You mean the guy who always refers
to this place as McDonalds?
Wow, you've been here more than
once... I mean yeah, him.
                       YOUNG WOMAN
Yeah, right after he gave me my
food he walked out the door saying
'I'm on mushrooms, I'm on bad
All right, thanks.
                       YOUNG WOMAN
No problem.


The young woman walks out the door.
      (To Tom)
Why does he always have so to get
so high before he comes to work.
I don't know.
The young women walks back in.
                       YOUNG WOMAN
      (To Ed)
You know that guy you were asking
me about?
                       YOUNG WOMAN
He's kinda passed out on the hood
of my car.
Tom, ED, and the young woman look out the door and see
Stoner laying on the hood of the young woman's car.
Tom walks over to the car that Stoner is passed out on.

He stares at him trying to think how to wake him up. After
a couple of seconds Tom slaps Stoner hard across his cheek.

Nothing happens.

Tom looks at him befuddled.

Tom reaches back and slaps him even harder than before.

What the hell?
Tom starts to slap Stoner in the face rapidly, but still
nothing happens.

Tom stops for a second. Then he grabs Stoner's head and
starts beating it against the hood of the car.


                       YOUNG WOMAN
My car!
Ed looks out the window and sees Tom repeatedly throwing
Stoner's head into the hood of the car.
      (Under his breath)
Ed walks for the door, but before he can reach it the young
woman interupts him.
                       YOUNG WOMAN
Is he hurting the poor little
Apparently not.
Watch the register.
Ed walks out the door.
Ed walks over to the car and Tom stops what he's doing.
The head doesn't work.
Ed punches Stoner in the stomach and he instantly wakes up.
I'll be damned.
      (To Stoner)
Come on, we need your help.
Tom and Ed are trying to figure out how to get Stoner to get
the old lady's plans without telling him about their plan.


We have to figure out some way to
get stoner to find out the old
lady's plans without him knowing
In the background Stoner is nonchalantly eating all of the
food. Completely aware that Tom and Ed are looking at him.
It's so easy it's hard.
Hey Stoner come here for a second.
Stoner walks up to them with a completely blank look on his
See that woman right there?
Who, that wrinkly chick?

Listen, we think that she might be
a spy from the FDA. And given the
shape this place is in, especially
with your hygiene, we're not
really in position for a surprise

So what I need you to do is to get
to know her. You know do whatever
it takes to get her off our backs.
Like what?
You know just talk her up a little
bit. Be the sweetheart we all
know you can be.

Talk to her about her plans for
the rest of the day. You know
just whatever you can do to get
her to change her mind about us.


Yeah just find out her plans for
Tom gives Ed a look of caution.

Stoner just stares at her for a while and then he starts
grinning stupidly.
Yeah, I think I know what you guys
are getting at.
Stoner walks over to the old lady and wraps his arm around
her shoulder. They both have their backs turned against the

All the guys can see is stoner gesturing a lot. They hear
the old woman giggle. Then as they look on impatiently they
see Stoner's arm gradually descend from the woman's shoulder
down to inside the back of her pant's. Both of their eyes
shoot wide open.
      (In disbelief)
They stare on with disbelief as Stoner keeps talking and the
woman keeps giggling. The woman then reaches inside her
purse and writes something down on a piece of paper. She
hands the paper to Stoner with a wide grin still on her

Stoner removes his hand from her pants and walks over to the
guys while the woman is collecting herself.
Don't worry boys, everything is
taken care of.
What'd you say?


All the things she wanted to hear.

Don't worry about the inspection.
She's just going to eat a meal and
then go home and take a nap.
      (to Ed)
You know to prepare for tonight.
      (Still awestruck)
What's tonight?
That's none of your business.
The old woman walks up to the register waiting to be served.
Ed takes care of it as Tom pulls Stoner aside.
Listen man, that's not what we
wanted you to do.
No that's what I wanted to do.

Hey, I'm going to take off a
little early if that's okay. I
want to look my best for tonight.
Stoner looks back at the woman and sighs.
She's an octogenarian goddess.
The brothers are outside on their first victim's front step.
They are both sort of nervous and they are both covered in
black clothing.
Here we go.
Ed picks the lock.


How do you know how to do that?
      (not surprised)
Of course.
Ed successfully picks the lock and slowly opens the door.
It's a cozy little home. It's obviously decorated by an old
lady because it's full of knick knacks and tacky crap. The
entire house doesn't match itself. There are certain things
that catch the eye like expensive jewelry and fancy
So, exactly what are we looking
I don't know, just grab anything
that looks valuable.
They both move in a little further.
      (normal voice)
      (whispering loudly)
This doesn't make any fuckin'
What doesn't?


Why are we taking valuables?
Because I think as robbers we're
morally obligated. Now shut up
and start looking.
No, seriously. I mean we're doing
this to make money, so what the
fuck are we gonna do with shit
like this?
Ed points to a crystal clown sitting on a shelf.
I don't know, sell it on the black
Do you even know where the black
market is?
I don't really think it's an "is".
I think it's more of a "who" type
of thing.
What the fuck are you talking
The black market. I think it's
more of a connections thing then
an actual place, like a store or
Either way, do you know how to
access the black market.


No. Do you?
Well maybe we should just stick to
money then.
Sounds good.
All right, all right. So now that
we know what we're here to steal
let's get our asses in gear.
As soon as Tom finishes that sentence, the lights come on
and the old lady they are there to rob is standing in the
hall looking confused as to what is going on.
Good evening, ma'am. Where here
with the department of sanitation.
See we were making our nightly
rounds, as we do, and we noticed
that your backyard...
Tom stops speaking when he sees that the old women has
opened her closet door and was reaching for a shotgun
leaning against it's wall.
      (to Ed)
Let's get the fuck out of here!
Tom turns around and notices that the door is already wide
open. He also sees that Ed is already running down the
street. He looks back and sees the old lady as she pumps
the shot gun. After seeing that, whitout hesitation, Tom
runs out the door and down the street.


After Tom runs out, the old woman puts the shotgun back in
the closet and closes it. Just then Stoner walks out to see
what's going on. He's completely naked.
What the hell was that noise?
Nothing to worry about.
Well, I'm ready again.
It's about fucking time.
Both of them walk back into the bedroom.
Tom and Ed burst into the appartment. They're out of breath
and start to regroup.
That geriatric bitch was
surprisingly prepared. Not to
mention alert.
Yeah, it was pretty impressive.
You'd think you'd be able to sneak
up on the elderly a lot easier
than that.
Brooke pops out of Ed's bedroom.
Why are you sneaking up on elderly
The brothers jump at the sound of her voice.
What the hell were you doing in my
Were you sniffing my underwear?


I can't find a pair of my favorite
panties. I figured you might have
snatched them as a souvenier or
How'd you get in?
I have my ways.

So what's the sneaking up on old
women all about?
She owed us money. And we figured
we'd better collect before she up
and dies on us.
We were trying to break into her
house after we knocked her
unconscious and steal all of her
      (in awe)
You're kidding right.
No. But if used properly it would
make for a funny joke.
You do realize I'm trying to
become someone who rids the world
of people who do things like this.
No. You're trying to become
someone who helps people who do
things like this escape from the
You don't really understand morals
do you?



                       BROOKE (cont'd)
You're breaking the law. And now
that I know that, I'm an
Don't worry we'll probably get
killed before we actually pull
anything off.
Ed chuckles.
This isn't funny this is serious.
You really could get hurt.
      (still chuckling)
Tell me about it.
You know just fuck you both. You
obviously don't care about
anything but yourselves. Your
jeopardizing my career and your
future just because your too
fucking lazy to actually earn
money. This is rediculous. When
are you two going to learn to grow
Take it easy. It's not that big
of a deal. Nobody is going to get
hurt and nobody is going to lose
their career before they achieve
It just baffles me how you can't
understand what's actually going
on here. Its not just about my
morals or your poverty, its about
your lives. You just committed a
felony. You can go to jail for
There's nothing to be upset about.
She's too old to remember what we
look like. And even if she did,
we didn't get to take anything.
She had her gun pointed at us


                       ED (cont'd)
before any real crime took place.
      (with a smile)
Besides if she does decide to do
anything, we'll just snub the old
Brookes eyes widen even further.
      (giving up)
Brooke storms out of the room shaking her head.
      (To Brooke)
My favorite pair of boxers better
be in there or there'll be hell to
      (To Tom)
You don't think she actually
thinks we would kill a person do
I don't know, maybe.
Whatever, we'll figure it out
Ed walks to his bedroom and closes the door. Tom visibly is
hesitating about something as he's looking at the front

We follow Tom as he walk out into the hallway. He starts
walking down the hall. Once he reaches the end he walks up
a flight of stairs and into another hallway full of doors.
He walks up to appartment 19 and knocks.
Leave me alone.
He opens the door and walks in.
Tom walks in and sees Brooke banging things around in the
kitchen angrily. She looks at him maliciously.


Listen, Brooke...
Before he can finish his sentence a pot flies across the
room and hits him in the head. He is knocked out cold.
                       ED (V.O.)
He walked into your apartment, so
you killed him?
                       BROOKE (V.O.)
No, don't say that. He walked in
and I was upset so I through a pot
at him.
                       ED (V.O.)
How big was the pot?
                       BROOKE (V.O.)
      (still worried)
I don't know... a 2 quart I think.
Ed walks over to Tom and kicks him in the stomach.
Wake up you pussy. There's no
fuckin way she killed you with a 2
quart pot.
I said don't fuckin say that, I
didn't kill him.
Tom wakes up unaware of where he is.
Ed, I thought I told you to knock
that shit off. Immitating
Brooke's voice when you masterbate
is fuckin sick.
Brooke looks up at Ed with a pissed off look in her eye.
      (joking to Brooke)
Well, I wouldn't have to do it if
you were there.


                       ED (cont'd)
Oh, by the way partner, that
wasn't me, we're in her apartment
right now.
What happened?
She was pissed, so she tried to
murder you.
Brooke punches Ed in the arm. Ed, with a hurt look on his
face, shuts up.
I accidentally threw a pot at you
and knocked you unconscious.
It's ok it happens all the time.

I thought you were mad because you
thought I might get hurt.
I was.
So why'd you have to hurt me?
I told you it was an accident.
Brooke hugs Tom. Ed is still sitting there with a hurt
I'm going home.
Ed exits.
      (still hugging)
I though I might of actually
killed you.
They release and stand up.
I live with Ed and work with
Stoner. I've come a lot closer to
death than that.


As he says this a little dog comes running into the room.
Before the dog can make it to either of them, he falls flat
on his face and slides into the next room. You hear a loud
What was that.
That was my new puppy. He's kind
of narcoleptic.
Cute. What's his name.
I haven't named him yet. I figure
since he's going to live a
semi-tortured existence, that I'm
obligated to give him an above
average name.
It's probably the right thing to
I don't even remember why I came
in here in the first place.
I think you were trying to console

You know how you need my support
so much that you couldn't just let
me leave being all upset.
You're probably right.

Now that everything is square with
you, I have to go home and try to
console Ed.
You haven't squared anything with
me. I still don't like what your
If anything happens to you, I
swear I'm going to kill you.


Tom leaves.

The dog walks back into the room with mashed dog food all
over it's face.
Tom walks in and Ed is sitting on the couch eating cereal
and watching the morning news.
A 2-quart pan.
Hey, at least she was paying
attention to me.
Hey, I'm...
Tom points to the t.v. set on which, is a story about an old
lady named Roselyn McShire who was robbed the night before.
                       T.V. REPORTER
      (on t.v.)
This is the house where last night
two unidentified robbers tried to
rob a little old lady.
Unfortunately for them this
widower wasn't having it. Her
name is Roselyn McShire and last
night she stopped those two
robbers by pulling a shotgun out
and threatining to shoot them.
      (on t.v.)
Before I could even point the gun
at them they were out the door.
                       T.V. REPORTER
So far the police have no
suspects. However when they
arrived they had to run down a
young man they thought was
suspicious. He turned out to be
Ms. McShire's 24 year old
boyfriend Thomas Hector Colvone...


      (on t.v. yelling
       in the background)
T.H.C., T.H.C.!!
                       T.V. REPORTER
      (on t.v.)
apparently he thought he was on
the police show cops.
On the screen Stoner appears and the sub-heading reads:
Thomas Hector Colvone.
      (On screen)
How long is this going to take, I
got to get ready for my shift at
Son of a bitch.
Ed turns off the t.v.
Ed takes a bite of cereal.
      (with a mouthfull
       of cereal)
Who's our next target?
Brooke enters. The restaurant is bare with no sign of
anyone being there. She looks around and then approaches
the counter.
Guys? Is anyone here?
As soon as she says this Ed and Stoner burst in from the
back swordfighting with broomsticks.

Ed notices Brooke and starts toward her. Just then, Stoner
smokes him in the back of the head with his broomstick. Ed
retalliates with his broomstick hitting Stoner in the
crotch. Stoner grabs himself and then slowly falls over.


What's up?
Where's Tom?
He's in the bathroom. Why?
Stoner gathers himself and slowly gets up.

Brooke looks at him suspiciously.
                       BROOKE (cont'd)
Just tell him I need to meet you
two in my apartment.
      (Still cautious of
I have an idea for you guys to
Ed and Stoner,who is now standing next to Ed, look confused.
                       ED AND STONER
      (in unison)
what the hell are you talking
Ed looks at stoner and then turns his attention back to
You know that thing....the thing
where you do the stuff.
                       ED AND STONER
      (in unison)
      (to stoner)
What're you ohing about?
I don't know.
Okay. Just don't forget.


                       ED AND STONER
      (in unison)
Again Ed glares back at Stoner who is still clueless.

Brooke leaves.
Stoner slyly picks up his broom. He is just about to make
his move when Ed slaps him.
      (As to a dog)
Tom walks out of the bathroom.
Who was that?
what's it to you?
Stoner knocks him down with his broomstick before he can
explain himself.

Ed jumps back up and him and Stoner get into another broom

Tom just dismisses the situation.
Brooke is sitting on her couch reading a book when someone
knocks at the door.
Who is it?
Without replying, Ed walks in.
You know 'who is it?' isn't a
rhetorical question.
You and your crazy law terms.
      (Ed laughs)


Ed sits in a chair next to the couch.
Don't act dumb, you know what
rhetorical means.
First of all, yeah I do. Secondly
I wasn't being dumb, I was being
It's supposed to be cute that I
have to correct you?
Yeah, I like it when you get all
school teacher on me. Be the
ignorant bitch teacher ready to
lesson me.
That's not the way you use the
word "ignorant". I hate when
people do that. It's a lack of
knowledge not an attitude. It's
ironic how the people who use
"ignorant" like that are actually
That's right, correct the shit out
of me.
Brooke scoffs.
I hear you have a retarded dog.
He's not retarded. He's
With what?
Brooke looks at him puzzled.
Ed is about to yell for the dog but stops.


What's his name.
He doesn't have one yet. His
personality is hard to judge.
What's so hard to judge about his
personality? He has sex with dead
Brooke smiles.
Are you one of those people who
think that your pet is like one of
your children?
There's nothing wrong with
thinking that an animal is part of
your family.
So all you need is a guy and a dog
and your ready to live happily
ever after?
It's a start.
The dog appears around the corner.
Come here, Ed jr.
Brooke looks at Ed.
What, Brooke's a girl's name.
The dog runs halfway across the floor towards Ed, but then
passes out and slides face down a couple of feet.


Well, no family's perfect.
      (changing the
So, why did you need to see us?
I'm gonna help you guys perfect
your little scheme.

Speaking of 'us', where's Tom?
I threw a ladle at him so he
should be out for a couple of
Tom walks in.
      (without diverting
       his attention)
He must of just gained
The dog gains consciousness and jumps into Ed's lap, hurting
Where have you been?
Were you expecting me?
      (Facing Ed)
You didn't tell him?
I thought we could use a little
"us" time.
Tell me what?
I'm going to attribute to your
incessant law breaking.


Tom leans down and pets the dog.
How you plannin' to do that.
I have an asshole professor.
Professor Lee. He's constantly
hitting on me.
      (staring at her
Who would find you attractive?
The dog barks angrily at Ed.
Fuck you.
Anyway, he's rich so he'd be a
good target.
Rich from being a professor?
No, rich from an inheritance.
Then why is he a professor?
To get him some prime college girl
Allright. Are you going to lure
him to our restaurant?
No, I'll just slip some of your
magic juice into his drink when he
invites me into his office


How do you know he's gonna do
Because he does it everyday. After
I turn him down he usually goes
home dissapointed, but tomorrow
I'll actually go to his office
before I turn him down.
I thought you were concerned about
our safety.
With him I wouldn't even have to
worry about it. He's a wormy
little guy. If he does happen to
wake up, it's no problem.
What if he recognizes us.
I'll just threaten him with his
sexual harassment.
Just make sure you look extra
saucy tomorrow.
Ed walks in. Tom is at the register writing on a piece of
paper. Stoner is again nowhere to be found.
What're you writing?
I thought that we should write a
note to professor asswad, letting
him know our feelings about the
Brooke situation.


Good idea.
Stoner comes walking in with a silly grin on his face.
How was your date with grandma
last night?
Insane. When I got there she was
all passed out and shit. At first
I thought she was dead. But after
I screamed at her for a while, she
finally woke up. That's when the
real shit started goin down. I'd
tell you two all about it, but
your too innocent for something
that fucked up.
I heard you were on the news last
Yeah, supposidely some dudes tried
to break into her place. She
stopped them. I would of but I
was kinda worn out.
If your done reminiscing about
your disgusting tryst, could you
get to work.
Stoner walks to the kitchen.
So we'll just leave this note with
Professor Lee when we're done with
his place tomorrow.
You think she'll actually do it?
Why not? He deserves it. It's
her way of getting back at him.


I know. I just hope she remembers
We go into the classroom just as the class is ending. Brooke
pretends to be busy putting her stuff away when really she
is just waiting for the classroom to clear out so she can be
alone with the professor.
Brooke gets up and heads for the door knowing that she
wouldn't make it. As anticipated Professor Lee stops her
before she leaves.
                       PROFESSOR LEE
So, how'd you like class today.
Per Ed's advise, Brooke wasn't wearing much clothing. And
being the horny man that Professor Lee was he couldn't stop
staring at Brooke's breasts.
                       PROFESSOR LEE
I hope you took sufficient notes.
You know those are very important
for the test.
I think they're pretty good.
Lee takes his eyes off Brooke's breast long enough to look
at her notes.
                       PROFESSOR LEE
These look allright, but there's
only a couple pages here. You
should have around 6 pages or so.
What she had was sufficient.
                       PROFESSOR LEE
I have some stuff I have to do in
my office right now, but if you
come with me I'm sure I can manage
some time to help you with your
Sounds harmless enough.


                       PROFESSOR LEE
I assure you it is.
Lee walks in and takes a seat behind his desk and gestures
for Brooke to sit in one of the chairs in front of it.
                       PROFESSOR LEE
If you could just wait a second, I
have to make a phone call.
Lee picks up the phone and dials seven random numbers,
trying to make it look like he actually needed to call
The phone rings and someone answers. The guy who picks up
has no idea who's calling.
                       PROFESSOR LEE
Hello, this Professor Lee over at
the university. I was wondering
if you had the tests ready yet?
                       GUY ON OTHER END (Telephone Voice)
Who the fuck is this?
                       PROFESSOR LEE
Oh, you do. That's fantastic.
When do you think I could get
The man hangs up.
                       PROFESSOR LEE
Sounds good, sounds good.
You can hear the dial tone.
Lee hangs up.
                       PROFESSOR LEE
      (to Brooke)
Heh. Teacher stuff. You know how
it goes.


Lee stares at Brooke.
                       PROFESSOR LEE
Oh, right. Your notes. Well, let
me see if I can find my...
Lee searches around his desktop for his notes.
                       PROFESSOR LEE
Ah, here we go. These are the
notes I had prepared, if you just
want to take a look.
Brooke stands up and stretches her body across his desk. Her
breasts are just about popping out and so are Lee's eyes.
While he's staring at her breasts, she slips a little vile
out of her pocket and slips it into his drink.
Wow, these look much better than
mine. Do you mind if I just take
Brooke rips the page out of the notebook and slides back in
front of the desk.
Thanks a lot.
Brooke leaves. Lee is still in awe at what he saw.
                       PROFESSOR LEE
Holy shit.
Brooke is on her couch. She picks up the phone and calls
down a floor below her. Her dog is passed out in front of
the door, having fallen asleep when greeting Brooke when she
came home.
I slipped him the stuff.
                       TOM (Phone voice)
What should we do now?
                       ED (Phone voice)
      (in the background)
Who are you talking to?


I think you guys should come up
here so we can go over the plan.
                       TOM (Phone voice)
Allright sounds good..
                       ED (Phone voice)
      (in the background)
If it's that prostitue, tell him
that he doesn't get paid unless he
gets us both off.
Brooke laughs.
We'll be up in a couple of
Brooke hangs up the phone. The dog wakes up and looks
around not knowing where he's at.
Hey, I'm over here.
The dog looks at Brooke then looks at the door for a couple
of seconds then looks back at Brooke and cocks his head.
Tom hangs up the phone. Ed is on the couch watching t.v.
and eating a bowl of cereal.
That WAS Brooke, right?
He fixes his hair in a mirror.
We need to go up there.
Ed goes to eat another bite of his cereal, but drops the
contents of the spoon on his shirt.


Lee is tutoring a young woman from one of his creative
writing classes. They are sitting at his dining room table.
There are empty glasses and plates of half eaten food
signifying that they had already been there a while.
Lee is sitting very close to her, a little too close for
Are you sure this is a better idea
than studying at the library?
                       PROFESSOR LEE
Oh, yeah. I feel much more
comfortable in my home than in a
crowded library.
Lee looks into her eyes.
                       PROFESSOR LEE
Listen Jen...
      (with a grin)
I'm not going to rape you.
I didn't say you were.
                       PROFESSOR LEE
      (pointing to a
       bottle of wine)
Can I get you something more to
No thanks, some more water would
be fine.
Slightly discouraged, lee takes her glass and walks into the
                       PROFESSOR LEE (o.s.)
Could you read that ending again?


" she knew that his doings were
wrong, but for some uncontrolable
reason she still loved him. It
was this love that forced her to
do something she did not want to
do. Turn him in to the police."
Lee comes back in and sets the glass in front of her.

He then sits down next to her.
What do you think?
                       PROFESSOR LEE
      (not believing
It's good, it's good...
It's shit isn't it.
                       PROFESSOR LEE
I wouldn't call it shit,but...
Listen, the first trick to writing
is to write what you know. Do you
know any schitzophrenic lawyers?
Uh, no.
                       PROFESSOR LEE
Ok. I suggest you re-write this
paper and this time try a subject
your'e familiar with.
Jen stands up and and grabs her books.
Allright. Thanks for your help
Professor Lee. I gotta go now,
I'm supposed to be at my parents
house for dinner.
Jen starts heading for the door.
                       PROFESSOR LEE
Jen turns around to see what he wants.


                       PROFESSOR LEE
Don't you want to know what the
other tricks are?
what are you talking about?
                       PROFESSOR LEE
I said the first trick is to write
what you know. Don't you wanna
know what the other tricks are.
Sure, I guess.
Lee gets up and walks over to Jen.
                       PROFESSOR LEE
There are three different ways to
get a good grade on a paper. The
first, of course, is...
To write what you know.
                       PROFESSOR LEE
Right. The second, and I'm going
to be honest with you, is to steal
someonelse's work and turn it into
your own.
And the third?
                       PROFESSOR LEE
The third is to, well, fuck your
Jen slaps Lee across the face and goes for the door. On her
way she accidently knocks a stack of magazines on the floor.
She notices that the magazine on top of the stack was a
Newsweek and all the rest are porn. She looks at him and
scoffs. Then she start throwing everything she can grab on
the floor.


Jen walks furiously towards her car. She's mumbling curse
words under her breath.

Lee pops out onto his porch. His facial expression is a
confident one showing that he is not worried about just
having assaulted a student. He knows with his donations to
the school that they have no choice but look the other way
on the matter.
                       PROFESSOR LEE
You know you don't have to fuck
me. I'll give you a B if you blow
Jen is about to get into her car, but stops to yell at Lee.
I know the school won't do
anything to you because of your
donations, but I'm sure the police
aren't going to look the other way
on sexual harassment.
                       PROFESSOR LEE
      (to himself)
Shit, I didn't think of that.
Lee starts running towards the car.
                       PROFESSOR LEE
It's too late. The car pulls out and races down the road.
Lee walks back inside and slips on one of the fallen porn
magazines. He slides across the room onto a decrative wall
candle with spikes around the base just long enough to
pierce through Lee's eye and into his brain.

He slowly slides off the spike and falls lifelessly into a
chair that is facing the door.


Ed's car pulls up Lee's long driveway. It parks in front of
the stairs. Tom and Ed get out and stealthily walk to the
front door. They prepare themselves for the break in. And
just as Ed's hand reaches the door Stoner appears along side
What the hell are you doing here?
I overheard you to talking about
this gig. I figured I could cash
in on your score. If I'm rich I
could get some pussy.
      (quickly changing
Hey, I got a gun.
We don't use guns. There's no
point. It defeats the purpose of
using the drug.
      (Not paying
It's a 9mm. It holds like 10
It's like he doesn't even know
we're here.
Ed slowly opens the door. He walks in followed by an eager
Stoner and then Tom.
They notice the magazines strewn about the ground. Ed picks
one up and starts looking at it. Tom flips the light switch
revealing a dead Professor Lee in a chair. Stoner,
frightened, starts shooting the dead body.
What the fuck's wrong with you.
What? Our cover was blown.


The asshole was already dead,
Don't yell at me for covering our
Ed walks over and examines Lee's many wounds.
Are you serious!
He's definitely not going to try
anything now.
What's the problem he was already
dead...I just made him deader.
The problem is that now it looks
like he was murdered.
So, we just fuckin drugged him and
broke into his fucking house. Who
do you think they're going to
Who cares? The point is that he's
That's not the fucking point!
Oh yeah.
                       TOM (continous)
All we wanted to do was rip off
this perverted mother fucker. Now
we have to worry about being
accused of taking his fucking


Tom paces around for a while with his face in his hands.
Stoner leans against the wall and plays with his gun. Ed
continues to look at one magazine after another.
Ed puts the magazine down. Stoner playfully points the gun
at Ed. He brushes it away and shakes his head.
Ed looks at the body again and sighs.
We have to go. Someone might of
heard the shots.
They drive for a while in silence. Ed is driving, Tom is in
the passenger seat staring blankly out the windshield, we
see Stoner in the back smiling.
      (to tom)
Don't worry about it man. They'll
see that he was already dead. They
won't go to great lengths to find
out who was stupid enough to put
some post mortem gun shots into
Tom doesn't answer.
Ed goes back to paying attention to the road. Tom just
keeps staring out the window.
Ed and Tom are hung over from the events that happened the
night before. Stoner, who is actually there, is going along
as if nothing had happened.
Brooke storms in the restaurant. She angrily throws down a
newspaper. It's heading read: Local Professor Found Dead
in His Home.
What's this? It says they found
gun shot wounds. I wanted him
robbed not dead.
It's not what you think. He was
already dead.


It's all over the news. They
already know it wasn't murder.
They said they suspect that he was
shot during an attempted robbery,
after he was already dead.
Which is true.
      (calming down)
Who shot him?
Ed points to Stoner who has his hands full and is bobbing
for fries.
You let him have a gun?
We didn't let him have anything.
He kind of already had one with
And you didn't take it away from
him when you found out?
He...had a gun.
You better watch yourselves, the
cops are probably going to try to
find who shot him.
who cares we're not guilty of
doing anything wrong.
You broke into his house and tried
to rob him.
What's your point?
Brooke lets out an aggravated semi-scream and walks towards
the door.


It's late and there is only one person left in the
restaurant. She gets up from her booth and leaves. Tom
sarts to clean the tables. Ed helps. Stoner, in the
background, is sitting on the counter in his own world.
      (to tom)
Have any other jobs we can fuck
Not yet. but I'm sure another
chance to fail miserably will
present itself soon enough.
Stoner pulls out the gun he shot Lee with. For some reason
he looks surprised that he has it. He starts pointing the
gun around acting like he's picking off bad guys. Ed and
Tom are talking to each other, so they do not see Stoner
playing with his gun.
Plus that last one wasn't our
fault. How the hell were we
supposed to know that the guy was
already dead?
Stoner is mimicking action heros by rolling in and out of
the shot and popping up and waving his gun around.
Yeah, well the asshole deserved
death. Taking advantage of his
students like that. That's got to
be some kind of rape.
Stoner tires of rolling around, so he sits back on the
counter. He begins to twirl the gun around his index finger
like they do in the movies.
It's kinda ironic that a porn
magazine ended his life.
Who's gonna clean that table?
Tom points to the table that was previously vacated by the
last customer of the day.
Stoner is still spinning the gun around his finger.


He can do it.
Without looking Ed points towards Stoner. The instant that
he does this, the gun goes off killing Stoner. He slips off
onto the other side of the counter.
Tom and Ed are just staring at each other in shock by what
they just heard.

They slowly look over to see that stoner isn't on the
counter anymore.
The restaurant is swarming with police and an ambulance.
Stoner's dead body lies in a zipped up body bag. Tom and Ed
look on with disbelief. A police officer approaches them.
                       OFFICER PETTY
How you two doin?
      (with a fake smile)
Great. How about you?

What do you want?
                       OFFICER PETTY
Well, it turns out this stoner
fuck is the one who shot professor
Lee's dead body.
Good for him.
How do you know that?
                       OFFICER PETTY
We're just speculating, but he has
the same caliber gun.
That doesn't mean he shot Lee.
                       OFFICER PETTY
Well, that is true, but we also
happened to find one of Lee's
personalized pens on his person.


Why would he steal one of his
                       OFFICER PETTY
It seems to be that the late
Stoner thought he might fashion it
into a marijuana smoking device.
That still doesn't mean he shot
                       OFFICER PETTY
No, no it doesn't. But we'll just
run a few ballisticks tests and
I'm sure that will determine
stoner to be the culprit.

Now why do you think this stoner
asshole would shoot a dead body?
I don't know.
I think he might have been on
                       OFFICER PETTY
I think that might be a good
assumption. I'll talk to you two
He joins his fellow police officers. Everyone finishes what
they were doing and they drive away. Stoner and all.

Some of the neighborhood people gather around the restaurant
door. Ed and Tom push their way through. They dismiss the
people asking questions and eventually enter the restaurant.
Ed and Tom enter in a somber mood. They walk around for a
bit. Then they converge at the spot where Stoner
accidentally committed suicide. They stare at it for a

After a moment of nothing, they start to clean again. They
are visibly choked up.


Business is back to running mode again. It's just Ed and
Tom working. The place is crowded. It's mainly full of
elderly men and fat women. There is a normal family
consisting of a man, his wife, and their infant son sitting
at the booth next to the door.
Tom is at the register taking orders. Ed is in the kitchen
making the food. They are behind schedule and moving as
fast as they can.
A customer approaches.
Hi, how may I help you?
                       CUSTOMER #2
Hi, I'll take a caeser salad and a
diet coke.
You know it's really tragic what
happened to that poor boy who used
to work here.
Tom relays the order back to Ed.
It sure is.
                       CUSTOMER #2
I'm so sorry for your loss. Some
people just aren't meant to lead
long lives, I guess.
                       CUSTOMER #2
It just breaks your heart to hear
something like that happening to
such a young man.
                       CUSTOMER #2
A life like that ending so soon.
It just makes you wonder where
everthing's going.


Tom is getting very irritated. He keeps trying to move the
customer along so he can get to the next person in line.
                       CUSTOMER #2
Such a young man. It's just a
terrible thing. But if it's your
time than it's your time. It kind
reminds me of this boy I once
knew. He was just the sweetest
boy you'd ever want to meet. One
day he was driving along and....
Would you shut the fuck up. I
don't know if you noticed or not
but half the fucking town is in
line behind you. Not to mention,
you won't shut the hell up about a
tragedy that just happened to a
long time employee and a good
friend of mine. Save your pity
for someone who actually wants it.
Go get your order and get the
fuck out of my face.
She gives him a sigh that's full of pity. Then she puts her
hand on his shoulder and smiles at him.
                       CUSTOMER #2
I know. I know.
She pays him. She then takes her order and walks to a
booth. Tom looks down and notices she well overpaid. He
looks at her and she gives him the signal to forget about
The next customer walks up.
The man flashes a sympathetic smile at Tom.
How can I help you?
                       CUSTOMER #3
I know how I can help you.
He slips a fifty dollar bill into Tom's shirt pocket.
Really....you don't have....


                       CUSTOMER #3
It's quite alright. I have plenty
and I know you could use some.
Given the recent events and all.

I'll have a cheesburger and a
Ed walks up to Tom. Tom hands him the order. Ed notices
the extra money in Tom's hands.
What's this? Have you been
turning tricks again.
The customer steps aside and the next one walks up.
                       TOM (continous)
It's unbelievable. People keep
giving me money. They say it's
for our recent tragedy.
Really? it's about time that
fucker made us some money. A few
more weeks of this and he might
acutally pull even.
How dare you. How dare you two
make jokes at time like this. This
world just lost an angel. An
angel of love.
They notice the next customer in line is Roselyn McShire.
They quiver at the idea of her and her love angel.
We're sorry. We didn't mean
anything by it. Maybe we were
just venting our hurt through
I should hope so. A man like that
doesn't come along very often. He
was just so giving and an
incredible lover. He gave me
pleasure like no one ever could.


Whoa! That's enough. Just tell
me what you want. Save those
stories for your grandchildren.
Ed gives the previous customer his meal and retreats back to
the kitchen.
I'm not here to eat. How could I
eat. I'm here to pay respect for
the man I loved. I'm suggesting
we make a shrine in his honor. A
shrine so great that he would come
down from heaven and give me some
more lovin.
I don't think a shrine is a good
idea. You can immortalize him
however you want at home. For now
just move and let the next
customer ahead.
She moves aside. She walks over to the family in the booth
next to the door and sits down.
Tom's attention reverts to the customer in line.
Can I take your order.
                       ROSELYN (o.s.)
He made me feel fifty years
                       CUSTOMER #4 (continuous)
I'll just have an order of fries.

Is she talking about that guy that
killed himself here?
Unfortunately. He didn't kill
himself. It was an accident.
                       CUSTOMER #4
Sorry. So she was really in it
with him wasn't she?
I guess.


She looks at Roselyn.
                       CUSTOMER #4
That's really disgusting.
She takes her order and sits as far away from Roselyn as
The crowd has died down. Tom looks as Roselyn is seated
with another couple, loudly rambling on about Stoner. Ed
clears the table next to Roselyn's and hesitates about
asking her to move. He just leaves it alone and walks back
towards the kitchen.
As Tom is walking towards the kitchen Ed comes up next to
him. In the distance you can see Brooke who has taken
Stoner's job until the brothers can find a new employee.
Hey, what the hell is Roselyn
doing hanging around here like
I don't know, I guess it's some
wierd kind of closure.
I've been thinking. Maybe we
shouldn't try to rob anymore
people. Something bad always
seems to happen. Plus we don't
really have to worry about money
right now with all these people
throwing cash at us.
Yeah, that sounds about right.

Do you...
Brooke walks up to them with a semi-worried look on her
You guys should probably see this.
Brooke points in front of the register where Roselyn has


concocted some kind of shrine for Stoner made out of burning
napkins, a picture of Stoner, and various drug paraphanalia
that probably belonged to Stoner.
Ah, what the hell are we going to
do with her?
      (after thinking
       for a second)
You could call the cops and see if
they'll come down here and ask her
to leave.
Ed is staring at her breast once again, so he does not hear
anything she just said.
      (not focusing)
You would've heard me if you
concentrating so hard on my
I heard what you said. I'll go
call them.
Tom walks to the back to call the police
Ed sees an opportunity.
      (trying to be
So, now that we're alone...
Brooke punches Ed in the stomach hard enough to make him
wince a little bit and goes back to bussing tables.
We can see a police car pull up to the parking lot of the
restaurant and park in a handicap spot, even though there
are plenty of other spots available.
Officer Petty gets out of the driver side grinning. Another
cop steps out of the passenger side. He is older and
visually superior. This is officer Jim Scranton.


They look around the almost empty parking lot. Scranton
sees Roselyn through the window. She is making a scene.
Scranton and Petty reluctantly walk inside.
The officers walk in and observe Miss McShire. She's
talking to another annoyed couple. In the corner of the
store the shrine to her beloved Stoner, which has gained
momentum, still burns strong.
Scranton, trying to hold back a smile, approaches Ed, Tom,
and Brooke as they watch Roselyn.
I see you have quite a problem
She keeps bothering the customers.
We tried everthing to get her
out, but she just won't go.
Officer Petty goes over and listens in on Roselyn's ranting
and raving. He sits in the booth with the couple she's
bothering and starts to laugh at her ridiculous stories.
Well, even with my training and
years of experience on the force,
I don't think I'm equipped to
handle a case like this.
Just get rid of her.
You know, this has to be
approached delicately. I'd like
it if you didn't rush me in such a
time of crisis.
He walks over to join Petty. Once he reaches the table she
immediately stops talking.


                       OFFICER PETTY
      (to Scranton)
She won't quit talking about her
boyfriend. That douchebag that
killed himself in here about a
week ago.
He was not a douche.....
I'm sure he wasn't. Miss, it
would be real nice if you could
vacate this restaurant. You see
these two guys that run this
joint, well they're afraid of you
and appearantly they needed people
with guns to remove you.
He unsnaps the button on his holster and gestures towards
his piece.
                       SCRANTON (continued)
So like I said, if you would be so
nice and leave, that would help us
a lot. Okay? Okay.
Roselyn walks offscreen towards the door. Scranton walks
towards the guys. Petty follows him like a lapdog.
Well, that was pretty tough guys.
I'm sure glad you called us. Trust
me it wasn't a waste of our time
at all.
                       OFFICER PETTY
      (clueless and
       trying to act
Guess what, pretty boy...
Petty pulls out his night stick and pokes Ed in the chest.
                       OFFICER PETTY (cont.)
He wasn't serious. It wasn't
tough and it WAS a big waste of
our time, asshole. So next time
there's an old lady harassing you
maybe you should not call us.


Wow, you're really one with words
aren't you.
As this is going on we see Roselyn outside the window get
into the backseat of her car, which is parked right next to
the police car. She comes out with her shotgun and proceeds
to the front of the cruiser. She perfectly adjusts the
shotgun on her shoulder and takes her time as she places her
shot, even though it is only a couple of feet away. She
shoots the windshield, then proceeds to take out all the
other windows with the rear window being last.

As soon as the first shot is fired, Petty and Scranton
scramble out the door.
By the time they reach their cruiser Roselyn is on her way
running down the street.

As Petty is fumbling around with his keys to get the door
open, Scranton looks into the restaurant and sees Ed,
Brooke, and Tom mockingly applauding.

Scranton lifts the lock manually through the broken driver's
side window.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
They drive off with their siren blaring.
Ed stands at Brooke's door equipped with a back pack and a
fake look of depression.

He knocks. Brooke answers the door.


Tom's doing something with the
restaurant and I don't really have
anybody else.......do you want to
get drunk?
Ed shakes the backpack to reveal the familiar sound of
clanking beer bottles.

Brooke smiles and lets Ed in.
Brooke is sitting on her couch and Ed is sitting in the
armchair across from it. Brooke is giggling loudly, not
making her inebriation candid. Ed is giggling along with
her, only his drunk giggle is nowhere near as convincing.
Hey, you know when me and Tom and
I get drunk, I always do a
stiptease right in front of
him.....it's really funny.
Brooke sits with a puzzled look on her face. After a long
delay she gets it.
Hey, We're drunk!
You know, I think you're right.
should we?
      (too excited)
Brooke adjusts herself on the couch awaiting the show.
As she does this, Ed quickly begins plotting.
Allright, I'll be Tom and You be
Ed and I'll be Tom.
Since I'm Ed does that mean I do
the striptease?


That's usually what he does.
Brooke gets in the stance, which she does not know well, and
starts a drunken stumble of a dance.

She stops in her tracks and hesitates.
Wait! How is this funny?
What the hell are you talking
You said when Ed does it in front
of Tom it's funny. How is it
Oh, you'll see when it's over.
Brooke Starts fumbling with the button on her blouse,
showing the true novice stripper she is.
Ed starts with his pants.
She casually works her way down to her pants.
Ed is becoming overwhelmed with excitement, when something
clicks in his head. Without ever taking his eyes off of
Brooke he reaches into his bag and pulls out a handheld
video camera.
Hey I found a camera.
Brooke, who's fondeling with her zipper, looks up.
Nothing. It's a camera, keep
      (quickly sobering
You brought a camera?


Ed usually doesn't talk.
      (growing angry)
You planned this didn't you, you
No. This is completely
The word is spontaneous you
You hear muffled yelling, things breaking, and a dog
barking. It goes on for quite a while when, all of a
sudden, Ed's camera burst through the apartment window.
People on the street outside the apartment scatter. Ed
looks out the window down at his camera.
The restaurant is half packed. The only person working is
Tom, and he obviously isn't happy about it.

Brooke walks in hungover. She wearily approaches Tom at the
You look like shit.
Sorry I'm late. Ed tried getting
me drunk so he could see me naked.
Brooke walks around the counter and puts on an apron. She
then reluctantly gets to work, cleaning the counter top.
Was he successfull?


Was who successfull?
      (trying to be cool)
Ed, at getting you naked.
No. He even lost a camera out of
Tom hesitates.
Wait, we don't have any money.
Where the hell did Ed get a
Ed is walking down a sidewalk eating a burrito when he
notices a fat man filming some kind of documentary. The
obese man is shooting some kind of political figure. His
camera is on a tri-pod.
                       OBESE DOCUMENTARIAN
The gadfly fat man walks over to the politcal figure
carrying a script. Ed watches, eating his burrito, from a
few feet away from the camera.
                       OBESE DOCUMENTARIAN
      (to political
That was good and all, and believe
me I respect your political views,
but it's not strong enough.
The man hands the political figure his script. Ed is still
watching them not sure at what is going on.
                       OBESE DOCUMENTARIAN (cont.)
So, if you could just read this.
The political figure takes the script that is only a couple
of pages long and looks over it.


                       POLITICAL FIGURE
This isn't like anything I've been
saying. I can't say this.
                       OBESE DOCUMENTARIAN
I know it's not like what you've
been saying, but...
                       POLITICAL FIGURE
      (getting extremely
It's all made up!
                       OBESE DOCUMENTARIAN
Listen, there's nothing wrong with
imbelishing the truth a little
                       POLITICAL FIGURE
How can you make a documentary
when most of your information is
made up?
Ed stops paying attention to them and notices the large
man's camera sitting on it's tri-pod.
Ed walks toward the camera chewing on his burrito. He looks
over at the two arguing.
                       OBESE DOCUMENTARIAN
      (to p.f.)
Listen, I just wan't to win an
oscar, Dammit!
Ed stops right next to the camera. He looks at the two,
then at the camera, then at the two again, then at his

Ed then tosses his burrito into some nearby bushes. He
picks up the camera and starts to walk away. The two people
are still arguing in the background.
Ed walks in from the back. Brooke immediatley starts
swinging at him with a broom. Ed scurries and finds shelter
behind Tom, deterring her.


      (over his shoulder)
Where did you get a camera?
I stole it from attention hungry,
fat man trying to shoot some
what was it about?
Brooke swings around Tom, desperately trying to pay Ed some
additional revenge.
I don't know. Some propaganda
Brooke swings and successfully stikes Ed in his knee. He
screams and comes out of his cover. Brooke reaches back and
swings again knocking Ed to the floor. She throws the broom
down on him and resumes her work.

Ed gets up and wipes himself off.
You know, at least I was
successful at stealing something.
And this time it didn't lead to
death or disgusting elderly love.
It just kept someone from making a
bad film. At least I'm ambitious.
You almost got me to strip for
Brooke takes another mighty swing at Ed with the broom. Ed
quickly catches the broom in his hands. Amazed by his own
quickness, he didn't see brooke's knee on it's course to his
crotch. Ed falls over grabbing himself.
How about aiming that ambition
towards our purpose.
Ed doesn't answer.


Is he o.k.?
Brooke gives him a light kick. He moans painfully.
He'll be alright.
      (To Ed on the
You know, you should listen to
him. It wouldn't hurt you
planning out something productive.
Ed gets up slowly, still gripping the source of his pain.
Are you saying what I planned to
do to you wasn't productive.
Brooke leaves with a scowl aimed at Ed.
Ed and Tom walk down the sidewalk outside their apartment.
It's a quiet night, with only them in visible sight of their
apartment building.
      (to ed)
I don't care as long as you keep
it to yourself.
I couldn't imagine it any other
      (grabbing his
Man, for a little Woman, she sure
can do a number on a dude's junk.
I wish that were a euphemism
Unknown to them, a police cruiser slowly stalks them. It's
Ed, looking at his crotch, runs into a trash can knocking
him and the can down.


In an instant the cruiser's lights come on it's siren starts

Tom and Ed stare as the cruiser rushes to where they are
standing. Scranton jumps out of the car and runs at the
guys with his gun drawn.
What the hell are you doing?
The can had it coming. He was in
my way.
That right there emphasizes my
reasoning for what?
      (pointing his
We didn't...
They quickly get in the back of his cruiser.
Inside the cruiser they notice that all the windows are gone
with only shards of glass left behind. They find it
amusing, but are still concerned with the situation at hand.
Scranton opens the driver's side door and gets in. He
messes with switches until the siren is off. He lets out a
sigh and sits back without saying anything.
What exactly is going on?
You two are under arrest.


for what?
Scranton looks at him in the rearview mirror.
For public drunkeness.
We're not drunk.
Well, let's go to the breathalizer
to prove your innocence.
      (gesturing towards
We'll start with you.
Scranton opens the glove compartment and extracts a bottle
of Jack Daniels. He pops the top off and takes a drink. He
then gets out the breathalizer and blows on it. He brings
the device eye level and examines it's reading.
Your'e blowing in way above the
And now for the slightly more
incompetent one.
He does the process over again.
You too. It looks like I'll have
to take you both in.
What the fuck.
The car starts moving.
Tom sits back pissed. Ed examines the windows.
I could easily escape.
I wouldn't.


The fat man is driving in his car talking on his cell-phone.
                       OBESE DOCUMENTARIAN
... Yeah, but he wouldn't read my
The fat-ass adjusts his glasses while he gets inaudibly
yelled at by his producers.
                       OBESE DOCUMENTARIAN
... Yeah, well honestly I think
it's brilliant... Well, maybe not
brilliant but it's what people
want to...
The big man sees something and stops his car.
                       OBESE DOCUMENTARIAN
Can you hold on for a second.
The tubby man gets out of his car, leaving his door open,
and walks over to a camera lying on the sidewalk with
shattered glass around it. He picks up the camera and takes
the tape out of it.

He looks up wondering where the camera came from. He puts
his cellphone back up to his ear.
                       OBESE DOCUMENTARIAN
Allright, I'm back...wait, why are
you yelling...I'll send you in
what I have right away.
The pot-bellied man hangs up and puts his phone away. He
looks at the tape in his hand.
                       OBESE DOCUMENTARIAN
That was close.
As soon as he finishes his sentences a car slams into the
back of his as he watches from the sidewalk. The car is
shot out into the intersection and hit in the side by
another car.
                       OBESE DOCUMENTARIAN
      (To himself)
Well, at least I'm undeservingly


Ed furiously pounds on the holding cell door. On the
sidewall Tom is lying on a bench with his face in his hands.
There is a man sitting on a toilet a few feet behind Ed.
Scranton is sitting at a desk not paying attention to Ed's
      (Pounding the cage)
Mother Fucker!
      (Stops punishing
       the enclosement)
I can't believe this. This
asshole is going to get away with
this. An actual dirty cop. What
the fuck.
      (Only loud enough
       for his cellmates
       to hear.)
We should rob him.
The other detainee stands unfinished and very enthusiastic.
                       ENTHUSED DETAINEE
Ed turns around and stares at the man. The man still has
his arms raised in excitement.

The man realizes that that statement wasn't meant for him.
His arms slowly decline and he returns to his business.

Ed turns and faces out of the cell once again and continues
his anarchtic plea.
I mean it. This Son of a Bitch
has it coming.
      (with his face
       still in his
He was already embarassed by
Roselyn. Do you really think
stealing his spare nightstick is
even going to make him blush.
It will if I shove that nightstick
up his ass.


Their cellmate jumps up again with excitement.
                       ENTHUSED DETAINEE
Ed slowly turns around and gives the fellow detainee another
cautious look.
      (to detainee)
Seriously, what the hell?
Officer Petty walks in the room. Petty notices the guys in
the cell.
                       OFFICER PETTY
      (to Scranton)
What the hell are they doin' here.
                       ENTHUSED DETAINEE
All I was doing was pissin' on the
sidewalk and apparently "officer
Scranton" thinks that was an
arrestable offense.
      (to detainee)
I just threw them in there for the
hell of it. I'll probably let 'em
out at the end of the day.
                       OFFICER PETTY
I'll watch over 'em for a while.
You can go get something to eat...
                       ED (o.s.)
      (still yelling)
My ass is right here!
                       OFFICER PETTY
... or whatever.
Scranton gets up and leaves and as soon as the door closes a
shoe smacks against it.
Petty jumps up and pulls his gun on the one-shoed Ed. All
three guys are stunned that there is actually a gun pointed
at them.


                       ENTHUSED DETAINEE
      (only loud enough
       for his cellmates
       to hear)
We should rob him.
The guys leave the police station, Ed still fired up.
Those fuckers... those fag-fucking
cock-suckers. Fuck 'em!
Ed picks up a rock and blindly hurls toward the police
station shattering a window. This surprises the brothers.
Oh, shit!
Both brothers tear ass down the street.
There are three men sitting around a table trying to stay
awake while watching the obese documentarian's documentary.
Producer #1 tries to keep his head up, but it proves too
much for him so his head slams against the table. He's
awake after that.
                       PRODUCER #1
This is horse-shit.
                       PRODUCER #2
It's actually prety good. He
knows how to keep people
interested in current politics...
only most of it is made up and
it's complete horse-shit.
                       PRODUCER #3
We're scrapping it, right?


                       PRODUCER #2
I think it's the only fair thing
to do.
We have to protect the people of
America from this shit.
Ed's car drives down the street with it's lights off and He
parks it across the street from their mark. Ed and Tom exit
the car and make their way towards the house. They are both
dressed in black from head to toe once again.
Ed and Tom slowly creep from their car to the house.
Tom stops. Only halfway to their destination. He sits down
on the sidwalk and leans against the lightpost.
This is fucking stupid. What the
hell is he going to have in that
piece of shit?
It doesn't matter. He's a corrupt
cop. It's not about getting rich,
it's about getting even.
But really. What are we doing?
We're going to commit a crime
that's completely
counterproductive just because he
pissed us off. What if we get
caught? We might go to jail for
revenge. And it's not like he's
not going to know who did it. It
doesn't make any sense.
Why do you always have to think
about things? Just do it pussy.
I'm a pussy because I think? We
don't even have a plan. We're
setting ourselves up. We haven't
tried thinking any of these
robberies out.


Just stop talking. I'm sick of
you over analyzing everything.
You're like an... overanalyzer.
Intelligent wording.
You think because you use big
words that your somekind of
literate demigod. Fuck you!

Yeah, demigod. I use big words!
Ed punches Tom in the face and the two begin an epic
quarrel. They rustle around fighting all the way up to
Scranton's house. Tom grabs Ed's head and smashes it
through a front window. They wrestle around some more.

A light comes on inside the house. On the porch Ed punches
Tom and knocks him down. Just then Scranton comes out with
a six-shooter in his hand.
Tom stands up next to Ed.
Just what in the hell is going on
Scranton notices their all black outfits.
We're you two going to rob me?
I was going to, but I think he's
having second thoughts.
Ed touches one of the wounds he received from his head going
through a window. He looks at his hand with some blood on
Am I bleeding?
The brothers are both sitting on the bench. Ed's head is
leaned back on the wall with an ice pack applied. Tom leans
forward with his bruised and battered face buried in his


hands as he solemnly stares at the ground.

Across the Cell, on the adjacent bench, the enthused
detainee also solemnly stares at the floor.

A moment of silence passes, when the enthused detainee looks
up at the brothers.
                       ENTHUSED DETAINEE
      (not so enthused)
You're better than this.
Tom looks up at the detainee.
The producer's are still watching The documentarian's tape.
They're all visibly bored.

Just when everyone is about to fall asleep, Brooke pops up
on the screen doing her striptease. It gets everyone's
attention. They glance around at each other for a moment,
then excitedly return to watching the screen.
The documentarian rushes down the hallway, exicitedly
anticipating the producer's reaction to his latest gem.

As he reaches the office he hears abrupt laughter. Confused
he hurries into the office.
The documentarian enters the room and automatically notices
the screen.

On the screen Brooke is screaming and throwing things at
                       BROOKE (on t.v.)
You're fucking disgusting! I knew
you were trying to get me drunk
for a reason.


Caught up in all the emotion, Brooke's dog barks ferociously
at Ed.

Brooke continues her throwing and yelling. The dog tries to
become more of a threat and jumps on the couch. Still
barking he climbs to the top of the couch, when he all of a
sudden falls off sleeping.
                       ED (on t.v.)
Hey! Hey!
It's kinda sweet if you think
about it.
The dog jumps back up on the couch and continues barking at
The three procucers are all laughing their asses off. The
fat man looks discouraged, wondering why they aren't talking
about his latest masterpiece.
                       PRODUCER #3
This is the funniest fucking thing
i've ever seen.
                       PRODUCER #1
It's brilliant. That dog is
                       PRODUCER #2
I think it's narcoleptic.
On the T.V. the dog takes another charge which is cut short
when he falls asleep again.
The producers notice the documentarian at the door. He
stands there solemnly with a tear rolling down his cheek. He
slowly, sadly leaves.
                       PRODUCER #1
Fuck that piece of shit
documentary, find out where he
shot this. We have to get this
Brooke sits on her couch making baby sounds at her dog who
stares blankly from the floor.

She pauses.


Not deterred by her dogs lack of enthusiasm, she resumes
making noise, trying to get a reaction. She gets in
peek-a-boo stance and when the lets out her surprise
peek-a-boo from behind her hands, the dog falls over
You have to be the strangest dog
who's ever lived.
She picks him up and lays him in a doggy bed that sits next
to the couch.

She walks in the kitchen.

There is a knock at the door.
                       BROOKE (o.s.)
Just a second.
Brooke emerges from the kitchen and heads towards the door.

She opens the door to reveal a man wearing a suit and a
Can I help you?
                       SUIT WEARING MAN
Hello. Sorry to bother you m'am,
but I have a proposition for you
and your dog.
Petty and scranton sit at their desks, which are isolated
from everyone else's. All the other officers are keeping a
distance from them, which seems like a daily occurence.

Brooke walks in with a confident stride. She walks right up
to Scranton's desk and slams a tape on it.

Scranton doesn't budge.
What do you want?


Let 'em go.
Petty approaches. He looks brooke up and down.

She keeps her eyes fixated on Scranton.
                       OFFICER PETTY
Is there a problem?
Brooke shoves Petty. He falls back on his desk and tries to
grip his chair for stability, but the chair doesn't hold and
shoots out from under him sending him to the floor.
Scranton finally looks up.
Is there a point behind all this?
Yes there is.
      (lowering her
You let them go or I'll show all
your close cop friends here what's
on this tape.
Look, your friends broke the law
and they're going to be punished
for it. And what a tape? Like I
did something incriminating in
front of a camera. I'd like to
think that if I did commit a
crime, which I haven't, I would be
more careful than that.
She picks up the tape and walks over to a t.v., which is
hung in the corner behind Scranton's desk. She puts the
tape in and hits play. It starts with the dog barking at
the camera. She fastforwards the movie until the view where
it smashes out the window. As it crashes against the ground
it zooms in as far as it can. In the middle of the screen
is Scranton in a car parked behind a shed having sex with a


Scranton's face goes cold.

She runs the tape up further showing Scranton pay the woman
money. She stops the tape and looks at Scranton.
Scranton, ashamed, looks behind him to find that none of his
co-workers caught the tape. He is slightly relieved.
Lucky for you, none of your fellow
police officers caught this
screening, but they might get
another chance.
Ed, Tom, and Brooke walk towards Brooke's car in the parking
lot. Tom and Ed have a jubilant demeanor, while Brooke's is
Holy shit. A hooker? I didn't
even know we had hookers around
Was she hot? You know for a
Couldn't he have just bribed her
or something? He is a cop. And
that's against the law.
I don't know. I think they had
some sort of special relationship.
The way that Petty's always up his
ass, you'd think they had the
special relationship.
They reach the car. Tom opens the passenger side door and
Ed opens the rear passenger side door. The start to get in.
Oh, by the way, I'm rich now.


They both look at her surprised.
-- The dog is staring in his own movie "Luther the
Handicapable Canine Detective"

Super "The movie grossed over 600 million dollars."

-- Show the dog on almost every magazine cover.

-- Show the dog's clothing line for little kids and little

The restaurant has drastically changed. It's much bigger,
it's completely packed and there is a human size statue
standing beside it. The statue is a replica of Stoner. The
statue is holding a Roselyn McShire statue in it's arms.
Tom, Ed and Brooke walk out of the restaurant and start
walking down the street.
      (to Brooke)
So, you named the dog Luther?
Well, Martin Luther was considered
a hero by a lot of people and the
dog is kind of hero to us.
I know, where would we be if the
dog didn't decide to invest in our
      (to Brooke)
Do you take all of Luther's money,
or does he get a cut.


I treat him good, he gets a lot of
You said he was like your child.
If I were him I would get
Brooke shoves him playfully.
He gets just about anything he
Does he get any striptease dances
like I got that one time?
      (to Brooke)
You stripped for him?
Yeah, you should of seen it. It
was great.
I think I have it on tape


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From Larry Boodry Date 9/8/2005 **
Funnier than I thought it would be, but then I have a demented sense of humor...Needs a new title.

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