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Seinfeld-"The Rangers Game"
by Joe Chialastri (jg.chialastri@comcast.net)

Rated: PG   Genre: Comedy   User Review: **1/2
An episode of Seinfeld that I wrote. The gang goes to a New York Rangers game where Jerry encounters a rude fan, George gets stuck at the snack bar, Elaine suffers a mistaken identity mishap, and Kramer disrupts a business deal.

Characters are registered trademarks of Sony Pictures, Castle Rock Entertainment, and NBC. Created by Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David.


Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer are all dressed up and
ready for a New York Rangers game. They all have various
types of Rangers gear on except George who, for some reason,
is wearing an Islanders jersey.
Ok, got the tickets, got my
jersey. We are set to go.
Jerry, are you sure that people
won't care that I'm wearing an
Islanders jersey?
No. Why would anyone care? They're
both New York teams.
You don't understand. Once I wore
a Yankees hat to Shea Stadium. I
got hit with one of those cheese
cups for pretzels.
Elaine,this is the first hockey
game you've been to since that
Devils game right?
Yep. I don't know why I'm going. I
don't see the appeal of hockey.
All these names you can't
Ok, come on. We going or what. We
gotta get there early to see if
they use that version of the
Canadian national anthem with
those weird words in it.
You mean French?
No, the weird words that they use
in Montreal.


Jerry gives an "I can't believe this" look.
They speak French in Montreal. Its
the second largest French speaking
city in the world.
Whats the largest?
Alright, geography Jim, take a
guess. I'll give you a hint even.
Its in France.
Very good.
Not comfortable. I'm not
comfortable. Jerry, please tell me
you have a spare shirt. I can't
wear this jersey. I'm gonna get
hit with something that'll leave a
stain. Maybe one of those frozen
coffee things.
You ever had a frozen coffee?
No, but based on what I've seen,
they seem refreshing. I mean,
they've had mottos like "collapse
into cool". Whatever happened to
that ad campaign?
I'll tell you later.
Alright. Lockout is over, the
Rangers are taking the ice once
more, lets get moving. We gotta
catch the next subway to the
We're taking the subway? Why can't
we take a cab?


Because, traffic is brutal when
there's a game. Plus, there's a
train station at the arena. Its
Hey Jerry, you ever go to that
Irish bar near the Garden. I think
it was called Tir Na Nog or
Once, there were all these people
in there wearing red and yelling
about some bird not dying or
something. It was a fire hazard
waiting to happen.
Alright, maybe we'll stop there
after the game. See if there are
any dead birds around. Ok, now
lets get moving.
The four then leave the apartment.
Alright. Check these tickets out.
Second row off the ice.
Jerry, I knew I shouldn't have
worn this jersey. People are
giving me dirty looks. Its not
like I punched a guy in a
wheelchair, its just an Islanders


Maybe its because your giving off
this oder of nervousness. See,
people can sense when someone is
nervous and they immediatly seek
to make him more uncomfortable.
So, buck up and look confident
buddy. Thats what I did at Fenway
that one time I was in Boston.
Why, did you have Yankees gear on?
Jerry motions the group towards their section.
Who are the Rangers even playing
The Philadelphia Flyers. An old
Atlantic division rival. See,
George, I'd be nervous if you had
a Flyers jersey on.
Why should I be nervous? There's
Flyers fans everywhere! Its like a
Halloween party in here.
Because of their colors. Black and
orange? Like Halloween...you don't
get it. Why do I bother.
Come on, the anthem is almost
Hey, did they do the Canadian one
I don't know. Lets go.


The four are seen sitting in their seats. They are watching
the game intently.
Now, if he passes from there,
thats a two line pass. You can't
do that.
You can't pass across those two
lines but you can smash someone
into the glass? Thats a stupid
Man, I really want a pretzel.
So go get one.
In the row in front of them, a man wearing a Jeremy Roenick
jersey sits in front of them. He starts acting obnoxious by
banging the glass and yelling.
                       FLYERS FAN
Lets go Flyers! Hit him, Primeau,
you bum! Come on that was high
sticking! Open your eyes you
Look at this guy. This is just
great, he's one of those annoying
Philadelphia fans.
Ok, I'm going to the snack bar.
You guys want anything?
Yeah, get me a bottle of water.
Bottle of water. What a scam that
is. Hey, lets all pay for water. I
can get clean water from my sink,
you gotta get a bottle of it for
three dollars.


George, I'm just asking you to get
me a bottle of water. Here, heres
some money for it. I want change!
What do you want change for?
You're not getting it. Why can't I
keep the change? It'll just be
coins anyway.
Fine, keep the damn change. I
gotta go to the bathroom anyway.
Hey, buddy. I'm gonna take a walk
around. I might get one of those
big foam fingers.
      (He gets up to
Oh, and George. Get me one of
those really big hotdogs. You
know, like a foot long or
something. And I want it
completely slathered in mustard.
Thanks buddy.
Kramer, Elaine, and George all head to their respective
                       FLYERS FAN
      (To Jerry)
You know, the Rangers suck.
They're gonna lose this by at
least three goals.
What? What the hell are you
talking about?
                       FLYERS FAN
You heard me. The Rangers suck.
George is waiting in line at the snack bar. He scans the
list of items deciding what he wants. There is one more
person in front of him, who steps up to the counter.
What can I get you, sir?


                       SNACK BAR GUY
      (Staring at the
Hmmmmmmm. Lets see. I think I'll
have...hmmmmm. What comes on one
of those chicken sandwiches?
George is seen getting impatient behind him.
It comes with lettuce, tomato, and
onion with French fries.
                       SNACK BAR GUY
I don't know. I don't really like
Hey come on, lets move it here.
You can order it without onions,
pal. Now can we hurry it up?
                       SNACK BAR GUY
      (To George)
Excuse me, but I'm trying to
      (Back to the
Now, if I order a soda, will it
come in one of those big plastic
collectible cups. I like those
collectible cups.
It can. But it'll cost an extra
thirty cents.
      (To himself)
Oh, boy. This guy is gonna be here
Elaine is standing outside the womens bathroom. There is a
huge line. She clearly can't wait long.
Oh, this is great. Why did every
woman in this building decide to
go to the bathroom at the same


                       ELAINE (cont'd)
time. Dammit, I really have to go.
Why is there no line for the mens
room. Its not halftime, thats why.
Maybe I should just go there
instead. No, I'll get caught.
Elaine stands and looks more uncomfortable. She appears to
reconsider her earlier thought.
Oh, this is unbelieveable. Oh,
what the hell. I'll just use the
mens room.
Kramer has somehow made his way into the area with the
luxury boxes. He clearly is on the scent of something.
Ohh, cigars.
He opens one of the doors and goes in.
Elaine is seen leaving one of the stalls. As she is leaving,
a man enters and sees her. He gets this look of disgust on
his face.
Jerry and the Flyers fan are still arguing.
What have the Flyers done in the
last ten years? I ask you, please
indulge me.
                       FLYERS FAN
They've been in the playoffs
consistently. Unlike the Rangers,
who've sat and watched the
playoffs consistently.
Yes, but the Rangers have actually
won a Stanley Cup in the last
fifteen years.


                       FLYERS FAN
Yeah, what eleven years ago? All
those guys are all retired now
aren't they?
As retired as the guys who were in
Philadelphia the last time the
Flyers won. What was that, around
1974? I wouldn't talk about
championships in your city if I
were you.
                       FLYERS FAN
Say that to me next year when the
Eagles win the Superbowl, pal.
Yeah, I'm sure that'll happen.
Jerry gives that wide eyed look he does when he says
something insincere.
                       FLYERS FAN
At least the Flyers play in a
nicer arena than this.
Now, you've truly gone mental.
That dump has had three different
names since it opened. And when
was the last time the pope was
                       FLYERS FAN
Yeah, well. Do any musicians have
their names in the rafters because
of how many times they've played
Why, who has their name in the
rafters there?
                       FLYERS FAN
Bruce Springsteen.
The boss? That's not bad.
                       FLYERS FAN
And New York's own...Mr. Billy


The piano man too? Alright, so
you've got that one on the Garden
but I believe that Springsteen
played a ten night set of concerts
here. And it was the perfect nest
for Godzilla.
                       FLYERS FAN
Godzilla? That movie sucked. Just
like the Rangers.
Elaine returns to her seat.
Hey, Jerry. Where's George? I want
my bottle of water.
I don't know, he hasn't come back.
Kramer is trying to mingle among the business people there.
                       EXEC 1
Alright, we ready to do this?
                       EXEC 2
Yep. Lets do this.
Kramer barges in between them.
Hey, whats going on? Yo guys
having a bachelor party?
                       EXEC 1
Who the hell are you?
Cosmo Kramer.
                       EXEC 2
Well, Cosmo. Can you please get
out of here? We're in the middle
of a business meeting here.
What kind of business?


                       EXEC 1
We're working on the merger of
USAir and America West airlines.
USAir? You know, I gotta tell you,
I love that USAir club at the
airport. One time, I met Cady
Huffman there. She played Ulla in
"The Producers" you know. She gave
me tickets to the show. Then her
husband came over and told me to
stop bothering her. But, have you
seen "The Producers"? Its a
                       EXEC 2
You better believe it.
                       EXEC 1
Thats nice. Can we get back to
business. If we don't do this by
nine, the deal is off.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. One time,
I got kicked off a plane for
trying to get back 240 dollars
from this guy I hadn't seen in
like twenty years.
The two execs are now clearly listening to Kramer's tales.
The camera shows the time is 8:47 P.M.
The man is still trying to decide what to order. George
looks incredibly flustered.
                       SNACK BAR GUY
Ok, so lets say I want to get a
chicken sandwich. Now, do I have
to have the onions and lettuce. Or
can I just drop one.
Look, they can make it any way you
want. If you don't want onions,
don't get onions. Now, for the


                       GEORGE (cont'd)
love of God, please order
      (A siren sounds
       and the crowd
Oh, man. I missed a goal. I swear,
if that was Jagr, I'll take the
onions and shove them down your
                       SNACK BAR GUY
What do you care? You have an
Islanders jersey on. Now,
regarding my order.
George is ready to lose it.
Jerry and the Flyers fan are still talking. Elaine has moved
on to flirting with a guy next to her.
Well, how about these Rangers?
Yeah, they're something.You a fan?
Well, a casual fan. I had a bad
experience with a Devils fan. He
painted his face.
Ha. Thats good. Damn Devils
fans.I'm Scott.
I'm Elaine.
Back to Jerry and his coversation.
Look, there's a reason why they
call it Filthy-delphia. These are
the people who booed Santa Claus.


                       FLYERS FAN
If thats the case, why is New York
always getting trashed in disaster
Because disasters are attracted to
cities people will recognize.
                       FLYERS FAN
Well, bully for New York. You
realize, twice in 1998, the
Chrysler Building was destroyed?
Yeah, and both of those movies
                       FLYERS FAN
Are you saying Armageddon sucked?
Yes I am.
Oh, thank God for Bruce Willis and
Ben Affleck. Lets have oil
drillers save earth from an
impossibly large space rock.
                       FLYERS FAN
Thats what makes it good. Common
men save the earth.
Back to Elaine and Scott.
So, Elaine. Are you busy after the
game? Wanna go get some coffee and
a piece of crumb cake?
Sure. That sounds like fun.
At this point, the man who saw Elaine in the mens room comes
down the stairs. He apparantly knows Scott.
      (To Scott)
Aw man, what are you doing?
      (To the man)


The man whispers something to Scott. Elaine struggles to
hear. Scott suddenly gets this disgusted look on his face.
      (To Elaine)
Listen, you're really nice and all
but I gotta go. Sorry, call me
But you never gave me your number.
Scott ignores this and walks off.
Kramer is telling stories to the executives. He is puffing
on a cigar.
So, he's yelling at me because
this runner is late for this race.
But I wasn't the one who blew the
fuses in the building.
Kramer takes a drag of is cigar.
Another time, I was out in the
Hamptons. I found this rope
leading into the sea. Turns out,
it was a commercial lobster trap
and you can't take those. I spent
the next few days picking trash
off the side of the highway.
                       EXEC 1
Oh, Mr. Kramer. You are a riot.
                       EXEC 2
Oh man. I can't believe you
actually shaved with butter
You better believe I did.


Kramer raises his hand up and bangs it into a tray behind
him. He does a typical Kramer take.
So, another time me and this guy
George were in a liquor store...
Kramer continues with his story. The clock is shown: the
time is shown to be 9:23.
The guy is still deciding. George clearly can't take it any
      (Trying to be nice)
Alright pal, look. Why don't you
just close your eyes and point to
the board. Or better yet, write
down whats on the menu, go decide
over there and come back. Can you
do something.
                       SNACK BAR GUY
No, I can't.
Damn you snack bar guy! I just
want to get a pretzel, a hotdog,
and a bottle of water and you are
holding up the line because you
can't decide what you want to get!
Well, you figure out what you want
and get the hell out of here. I
want to watch hockey but instead I
have to stare at your bald spot!
If I want to stare at a bald spot,
I'll look in the mirror! Now order
                       SNACK BAR GUY
Alright, I'll have a hotdog,
French fries, and a soda in one of
those big plastic cups.
Thank you. Thank God. He finally
decided. Praise the lord, he
finally decided.


The man leaves the snack bar. George finally gets his turn.
Finally, I can get my pretzel with
the cheese cup. And a bottle of
Jerry and the Flyers fan are still arguing. Elaine is
sitting, bored, watching the game.
Damn Rangers. Can't score a goal.
                       FLYERS FAN
Hahahaha. Thats what I said. The
Rangers suck. You only got six
more minutes to try and win, pal.
Why do people insist on calling
complete strangers pal? Just
because you have a run in with
someone doesn't mean your their
pal. I don't like you, you don't
like me. Why do we have to have
these formalities with the pal and
the buddy and all that.
                       FLYERS FAN
Sorry pal, next time come to
Philly and we'll see who has the
better team. I'm outta here. I
gotta hop the next Acela back to
Philly. And always remember that
the Rangers suck! Hahahahahaha.
The Flyers fan leaves, as are other people because the game
is almost over.
Man, what was his problem?
What did that guy say to Scott to
make him leave? I really wanted to
get a piece of crumb cake.
What do you think he could have
said to him?


I don't know. I basically been
here the entire time. And I've
never seen that guy before. All I
did was I.....Ohhhhhhhhh.
Well, when I went to the bathroom,
the line was really long. So I
Oh boy!
He must have seen me in the mens
room! Oh no, he told Scott I was a
man! Oh Jerry, now there's a guy
out there who thinks I'm a man.
You went into the mens room?
Now, how come if I were to enter
the forbidden temple of the womens
room, I would get yelled at as if
I were trying to steal some
national secret. I know what women
have down there. Its nothing new
to me. I've seen many women
without any sort of covering. But
I go in there and I get screamed
at. Meanwhile, you go into the
mens room, no one says a thing.
Why is that, I ask you, why?
Because it wasn't halftime, thats


Oh. Thats a good point.
      (Looking around)
Where the hell are George and
Kramer? How long does it take to
get something at the snack bar?
I know, I want my bottle of water.
George is probably trying to come
up with some way to get out of
giving me my change. Why does he
want to keep coins?
Well, he might go to the arcade
Maybe he's one of those people who
keeps coins in a jar and then
takes them to those free coin
counting machines in the bank.
Yeah, I couldn't do that. You feel
like such a cheap bastard.
Well, George is a cheap bastard.
Yes, in all his cheap base
bastardy. One day he will stand up
and cry "stand up for the cheap
They better get back soon. This
game is over. Stupid Rangers.
Kramer is getting ready to leave the box.
Ok guys. You've been great. I
gotta get going.


                       EXEC 1
Take care Mr. Kramer.
                       EXEC 2
Boy, he was fun.
                       EXEC 1
Ok, lets get that deal sealed up.
They look over at the clock. The clock reads 9:34 P.M.
                       EXEC 2
Oh no!
                       EXEC 1
Oh my God!
George is carrying his purchases back to the seats. Two
tough looking guys spot him and confront him.
                       TOUGH GUY 1
Hey, you there in the Islanders
                       TOUGH GUY 2
Yeah you. You think you can come
into the Garden and flaunt your
fancy Islanders jersey? You think
the Islanders are better than the
Rangers? You think just because
the Islanders made the playoffs,
that they are better?
                       TOUGH GUY 1
Come on island boy. Spit it out.
What, its the only New York hockey
thing I own.
                       TOUGH GUY 2
      (Mock sincerity)
Oh, well that fixes everything
                       TOUGH GUY 1
Lets get him and send him back to
the island the hard way.


Now come on guys, I can get you
free Yankees tickets. I used to
work for them. You wanna meet
A-Rod? I could maybe set something
                       TOUGH GUY 1
We're Mets fans.
                       TOUGH GUY 2
Yeah, you seem like the kind of
guy who would wear a Yankees hat
to Shea.
Please, don't hurt me. I hate the
Islanders. I love the Rangers. Go
Rangers, beat the Maple Leafs and
the Canadiens and all them.
Please, just don't hurt me. I hope
the Mets win their division. Just
don't hurt me.
                       TOUGH GUY 1
Lets get him.
The camera uses one of those outward pans to establish how
loud his yell is.
Jerry and Elaine are getting ready to leave. Kramer is
coming towards them.
      (To Kramer)
Where the hell have you been?
I was having a great time in a
luxury box with these great guys
from some airlines. You know, they
get their own pizza up there? Its
wonderful. Jerry, next time we
gotta get a luxury box.


Yeah, we'll all have a luxury box.
Get a luxury box. What kind of
stupid statement is that?
They have their own bathroom as
George is shown coming towards the group and showing what
happened in his recent skirmish. His pretzel is mashed into
his head as is his cheese cup. Elaine's water bottle is
sticking out of his pants which has a huge water stain on
the front. He doesn't look happy.
What happened to you?
I told you I shouldn't have worn
this jersey. You couldn't lend me
a shirt. You had to say nothing
would happen. Now, I'm standing
We going? Stupid Rangers can't win
a game.
They lost? Oh ho, this is
wonderful. This is almost as bad
as that time when I lost my
bathing suit at the water park.
Can I have my change?
Here. Take your damn change. Its
only two quarters anyway.
George throws the quarters down angrily.
The gang is waiting for their train. George hasn't cleaned
himself off.


Well, that night was a complete
Jerry, are you sure that we should
be at this platform?
Yes. And George, will you clean
yourself off? You smell like a
bowl of reheated macaroni and
Shut up.
Elaine sees Scott at the other platform.
Scott! Wait, I'm not a man!
Scott just gets on his train and ignores Elaine.
Scott! The ladies room had a long
line! I want that crumb cake! Oh,
he's gone.
Well, its gonna be one interesting
hockey season.
Oh man, I never got my big foam
The train arrives and the gang gets on.
Well, the nights not a total loss.
There's a new SNL on tonight.
Who's the musical guest?
Some musician I never heard of.
Oh, he's good.


The next day. Jerry is watching Sportscenter on ESPN.
                       VOICE ON TV
      (On TV)
Rangers, Flyers. First game on ice
at the Garden in a long while.
First period, Keith Primeau.
Slides it past the goalie. Fly
boys up early.
Man, how could he not stop that?
Kramer comes in.
Hey buddy. You got any Honeycomb
You watching Sportcenter? They do
the Top Ten yet?
No, they're still on highlights
from the game.
                       VOICE ON TV
      (On TV)
After the game, there was an
interesting scene outside the
Shown on TV.
                       FLYERS FAN
      (On TV)
Go Flyers. Rangers suck. I'll get
all of you to admit it. Come to
Philly and say that pal.
Jerry and Kramer are watching. Jerryis laughing to himself.


At least that jerk got what was
coming to him. Saying the Garden
sucked. Spend a night in jail and
then say that.
Jerry changes the channel to the news. The newscaster is
talking about the failed airline merger.
      (On TV)
USAir and America West failed to
meet the 9:00 deadline last night
meaning the two airlines will not
merge together.
The two executives are shown.
                       EXEC 1
      (On TV)
Its not our fault. We were all set
to close the deal.
                       EXEC 1
      (On TV)
Yeah, it was that damn Kramer.
Jerry is now giving Kramer a look.
Hey, those are the guys from the
You disrupted a merger between two
What possessed you to talk to
these people?
Free airline travel
possibility...and cigars.
Did you get any of those things?


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From Nick Hanks Date 3/8/2008 **
I think the word Rhonda pionted out, "typical", describes this treatment perfectly but I thought there were some very funny moments.

From Rhonda Omberg Date 5/30/2005 **1/2
You have the characters down perfectly; the jokes were good, but the whole George-in-line thing has been done to death. Kramer's misadventure was entertaining and typical of Seinfeld, but the whole thing got lost during the ending--the dialogue tended to meander a little. You got some good stuff here, though. Did you send the spec out?

From Jim Snaza Date 5/19/2005 ***
Made me laugh constantly, but many things that the characters say would not be said in the actual scripts. Gets too far into hockey players and sports. I love sports, but Seinfeld doesn't get in depth about ESPN and Sportscenter. It was pretty good though, I'm not going to lie.

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