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Cult Fiction
by Joseph R. Casper and Samuel L. Jackson (Buzzspendus1@hotmail.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***1/2
An evil cult invades a small town, and three unsuspecting boys along with an absent minded detective need to stop them.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

EXT. QUIET TOWN - DAY
                                                            
Fade into a normal American town; typical surburbia. People
walk busily down sidewalks, cars stop and go at
streetlights, children play in a park, etc. and so on. The
atmosphere is very bright and tranquil.
                                                            
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
                                                            
Cut to the interior of a high school classroom, to a
blackboard that says “BFG” in big white letters. Pan out on
the blackboard to two men dressed very sophisticated,
standing directly across from the students of the classroom,
right in front of the blackboard. One of the men turns to
the class and smiles.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1 (in a sly tone)
How would you kids like to be part
of a really cool club?
                                                            
In the other part of the classroom, students sit at their
desks acting like normal students: they are not impressed.
Sam and Joe, apathetic unmotivated best friends are playing
video games in the back, while Rob, thier friend, is sitting
up front. One kid falls asleep and drops his head down on
his desk with a loud bang.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 2
Now, we’re talking about something
big here; really big.
                                                            
A student raises his hand.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Yes, you. The one with the funny
haircut.
                                                            
                       GARY
How big? Are we talking like,
“Shrinky Dinks” big, or “Pet Rock”
big?
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Exactly what John Lennon said;
it’s “Bigger than Jesus” big.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 2
Now, some of you are probably
thinking, “Clubs aren’t cool. I
don’t want to find myself in
            (MORE)

2.

                       BFG SPEAKER 2 (cont'd)
stupid little club. I’d rather be
bitten to death by ravenous
nuclear monster snakes then be
part of some frat.” Well that’s
where you’re wrong. My friend and
I are part of one of the coolest
clubs on the entire planet, and
now we’re giving you the
opportunity to be a member as
well.
                                                            
                       GARY
Is it a book club?
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
No, it’s not a book club. It’s
even better.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 2
What would you say if we told you
that you could be part of a club
where every day is a holiday, and
you never had to go to school ever
again?
                                                            
All the kids’ heads slowly rise from the desks.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 2
That's right. We're giving you the
opportunity to have complete
individual freedom all day and
every day.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
For example, tomorrow is…
                                                            
BFG Speaker 1 pulls out a calendar. He clearly makes up what
he's saying as he goes.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Let’s see…the fifteenth of
June…that would
be…Rocksheranamonon!
                                                            
                       GARY
What’s Rocksheranamonon?
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Uh…I think the term is Egyptian
and roughly translates
to…slaughter day.
                                                            

3.

                       BFG SPEAKER 2
But that doesn’t matter. What does
matter is the fact that you can
shirk all of your responsibilities
all day, every day. All you need
to give us is one hour of your
time every morning for a simple
meeting. That’s all we ask. After
that, you’re free to do whatever
you want.
                                                            
A nerdy kid sitting up front raises his hand.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Yes, you. The one with the
magnifying glasses attached to his
face.
                                                            
                       NERD
Your offer of no school and all
play is good and all, but isn’t it
completely irresponsible and
unhealthy?
                                                            
There is a short pause, then everybody throws paper balls at
the kid. After the onslaught of paper, he gets hit by a
calculator right in the head.
                                                            
                       TEACHER
You know, I think Smarty McNerd
Pants here is right. It isn’t very
healthy to just drop all your
responsibilities and do what you
want.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 2
Oh yeah? Well who’s to say what’s
healthy and isn’t healthy?
                                                            
                       TEACHER
Uh…doctors?
                                                            
Speaker 1 whispers into Speaker 2’s ear. Speaker 2 nods his
head.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
      (turns to teacher)
You know Rick-can I call you Rick?
                                                            
                       TEACHER
My name’s Steve.
                                                            
Speaker 1 raises the teacher from his desk.
                                                            

4.

                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Sure thing, Rick. I think you need
to take a brief walk with my
friend here. He can explain
everything to you in excruciating
detail.
                                                            
Speaker 2 shows the teacher out the door and walks out with
him. Speaker 1 turns back to the classroom.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
      (turns to students)
Now, all we ask is for a tiny bit
of commitment from all the
enthusiastic youths of your
community. Now let’s see-by a show
of hands, who is thinking about
attending our short orientation
meeting tomorrow morning.
                                                            
The entire class groans. “Oh man! Tomorrow’s Saturday!” is
yelled out of the crowd.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Okay, okay. You kids push a hard
bargain. Well what would you do if
I told you there would be free
candy and ice cream at this
meeting?
                                                            
Speaker 1 unveils a cart full of ice cream and candy in the
front of the class. All the hands in the classroom
immediately go up, except for Joe and Sam’s. They’re still
playing video games. The camera pans through the hands up to
the speaker at the front. He notices Joe and Sam’s hands
aren’t up.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Uh excuse me, you two there in the
back? You boys don’t look too
enthusiastic about the BFG.
                                                            
                       JOE
Can’t talk.
                                                            
                       SAM
Mario time.
                                                            
The speaker begins to walk through the isles to Joe and Sam.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
I see…let me just ask you a simple
question my friends: can this
            (MORE)

5.

                       BFG SPEAKER 1 (cont'd)
Mario guy give you everything that
you’ve ever desired throughout
your entire life, and more?
                                                            
Joe slowly puts his Nintendo DS down.
                                                            
                       JOE
Look, first of all-his name is
Super Mario. And second of
all-yes. Yes he can.
                                                            
                       SAM
      (to speaker)
Indeed. Now let me ask you a
simple question: how many goombas
did you kill today?
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
…I…I didn’t kill any.
                                                            
                       SAM
Oh. That’s interesting, because,
you know, Mario’s killed like,
what, twelve?
                                                            
                       JOE
I think it’s thirteen.
                                                            
                       SAM
Yeah, thirteen now.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
But I’m not-
                                                            
                       SAM
And on that note, I bid you good
day.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
But I-
                                                            
                       SAM
I SAID “I bid you good day”. This
is second period. That is Mario
time.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
But you-
                                                            
                       SAM
Ehem!
                                                            
Joe taps on his watch.
                                                            

6.

                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Ah yes…I see how this is going be.
                                                            
The man begins walking to the front of the classroom once
more. The camera slowly follows him.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
See? Now this is the problem I
present before you. Do you really
want to be one of these “garage
band” youths, worshiping a false
idol? This, Super Mario?
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah, that sounds pretty good to
me.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Well, if I can’t convince you then
perhaps your teacher can.
                                                            
The door of the classroom opens and the teacher walks in
with a large scar on his head with blood trickling from it.
Speaker 2 shows him into the room and stands him next to
Speaker 1.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 2
I think Rick here has something
important to say to all of you.
                                                            
                       TEACHER
They’re right children. Life is so
much easier when you have no
responsibilities, and you share
your thoughts with a higher being.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
See? If your teacher was easily
swayed then surly your young
impressionable can be as well. Now
I have a sign in sheet here. I’d
like all of you to sign your names
and arrive at our simple no
commitment one hour orientation
meeting tomorrow morning at 8 AM.
And remember, being part of the
BFG means being part of a bigger
thing, and not having any
homework.
                                                            
The entire class applauds, gets out of their seats, and
lines up by the sign in. Joe and Sam continue to play video
games. Rob walks over to them.
                                                            

7.

                       ROB
So are you guys going tomorrow?
                                                            
Sam looks up.
                                                            
                       SAM
Going where?
                                                            
A whirring sound comes from Sam's game.
                                                            
                       JOE
Yes! I totally beat you.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
      (angry sigh)
See? Look what you made me do. You
just made me die. Now I’m
definitely not going to whatever
that thing was that you just said.
                                                            
                       ROB
You mean you guys weren’t
listening? They just gave us a
twenty minute presentation on the
BFG.
                                                            
                       JOE
The BFG?
                                                            
                       SAM
Rob, I'm pretty sure you just made
that up.
                                                            
                       ROB
Sam, you’re so ignorant. If you
just keep playing video games all
day, then you’re never going to be
part of a bigger thing.
                                                            
                       SAM
Rob, we don’t play all day. We
sleep.
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah. And breathe too.
                                                            
                       SAM
Yeah. We breathe.
                                                            
                       ROB
Okay fine. Don’t go. But you won’t
get any free ice cream.
                                                            

8.

                       JOE
You know this all sounds kinda
stupid when you think about it. I
mean, do you really believe that
they’re going to deliver all that
stuff that they’re promising you?
                                                            
Gary walks over holding a bowl of ice cream.
                                                            
                       GARY
Dude! They’re already giving out
the free ice cream!
                                                            
                       ROB
See? We’ve already been given
instant rewards.
                                                            
Rob starts to walk away.
                                                            
                       JOE
That’s what the Nazis said!
                                                            
Rob stops, rolls his eyes, and continues walking.
                                                            
 
EXT. OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL - DAY
                                                            
Joe and Sam are walking down the sidewalk, still playing DS.
                                                            
                       SAM
Dude, I wouldn’t be caught dead at
that orientation meeting tomorrow.
                                                            
                       JOE
I know...but the temptation of
free ice cream is quite
suspicious.
                                                            
                       SAM
How so?
                                                            
                       JOE
Think about it, Sam. Think about
any time that anyone’s offered you
free ice cream.
                                                            
                       SAM
Hmmm…
                                                            
Fade into Sam walking down the street happily whistling. A
man dressed in a black overcoat jumps out of the bushes.
                                                            

9.

                       STRANGER
Hey kid, want some free ice cream?
                                                            
                       SAM
…you got any Breyers?
                                                            
                       STRANGER
No…actually, no I don’t. All I
have is Edeys.
                                                            
                       SAM
No deal then, good strangman!
                                                            
Sam then walks past the stranger. Cut back to Joe and Sam
walking down the street.
                                                            
                       SAM
Hmmm…you’re right. Free ice cream
never comes without a hitch.
                                                            
                       JOE
Exactly. I mean, they had every
flavor. You know something’s up.
That BFG’s gotta be up to someth-
                                                            
Before Joe can finish his sentence, an older boy jumps out
of the bushes and collides with Joe and Sam. All three of
them fall over onto the ground. The whirring noise comes
from Sam’s game once again.
                                                            
                       SAM
Dude! What’s your problem?!
                                                            
                       NEWKID
They’re here! They’re here! I saw
them!
                                                            
                       JOE
Who’s what now?
                                                            
                       NEWKID
The van outside your school-I saw
it! I know they’re here! Get out
of here! Run!
                                                            
                       JOE
Hold on-what the hell are you
talking about? Who are-
                                                            
                       SAM
No, Joe. This kid made me die.
That’s twice today I’ve been
interrupted and killed on the
            (MORE)

10.

                       SAM (cont'd)
spot. I can’t let it go this time.
That’s it. What’s your name? Huh?
What’s your name? Give me your
phone number.
                                                            
                       JOE
Whoa Sam, easy. It’s not his fault
he’s got Turrets.
                                                            
                       SAM
Forget about Turrets! He looks
completely crazy to me.
                                                            
The kid gets up and begins to yell at Joe and Sam.
                                                            
                       NEWKID
Get out of here! Both of you! Get
as far away from this town as you
can! What are you two doing just
sitting there?!
                                                            
                       SAM
I still have one life left.
                                                            
                       JOE
Get up you idiot.
                                                            
Joe helps Sam off the ground.
                                                            
                       JOE
      (to NEWKID)
Okay, now calm down. Take a deep
breath, and explain that again to
the people here who aren’t fluent
in “completely crazy”.
                                                            
                       NEWKID
It’s the BFG! They’re here!
They’ve finally arrived in your
town!
                                                            
                       JOE
The BFG?
                                                            
                       SAM
Oh no, not this crap again.
                                                            
The new kid grabs Sam by the collar and lifts him up.
                                                            
                       NEWKID
Wait a minute-you’re not one of
them…are you?
                                                            

11.

                       SAM
…no…you’re not crazy…are you?
                                                            
                       NEWKID
Oh thank God, I almost lost it
there for a second!
                                                            
The new kid releases the grip he has on Sam.
                                                            
                       SAM
Yeah…almost.
                                                            
                       JOE
The BFG? They wanted to take away
Mario.
                                                            
                       SAM
And that spells “bad people” in my
book. B-A-D-Underscore-P-E-
                                                            
                       NEWKID
-wait-you mean…they haven’t swayed
you two yet?
                                                            
                       JOE
What, us?
                                                            
                       SAM
Yeah, we can only be swayed by
mindless corporations and flashy
advertising.
                                                            
                       JOE
And Mario.
                                                            
                       SAM
Yeah, and Mario.
                                                            
                       NEWKID
Then run! Run while you still have
the chance! Get the hell out of
here!
                                                            
The new kid runs past Joe and Sam, then stops dead in his
tracks. His eyes widen as he sees two BFG members going door
to door. He turns around and runs back towards Joe and Sam.
                                                            
                       NEWKID
Head for the hills! Head for the
hills! The BFG are here! Get out
of here! Pack your-
                                                            

12.

Joe and Sam hold out their arms and catch the new kid as he
runs in between them. He falls on the ground onto his back.
Joe and Sam look down at him.
                                                            
                       JOE
Look, if you’re trying to hide
from these guys, running around
screaming their name isn’t going
to help.
                                                            
                       SAM
Unless they’re looking for sane
people. Then you’ll blend right
in.
                                                            
INT. INSIDE JOE'S BASEMENT - DAY
                                                            
Cut to the new kid rubbing his face up against Joe’s fish
tank. He rubs it with his hand.
                                                            
                       NEWKID (luciously)
Ooohh…
                                                            
                       SAM
So…what’s your name?
                                                            
                       NEWKID
Jeff…no…Steve? Jake? Wait, let me
think…Pigskin!
                                                            
                       JOE
…I got nothin’.
                                                            
                       SAM
Uh…let’s just call you “NewKid”.
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah…that’s slightly less awkward.
                                                            
                       NEWKID
I wish I could remember my real
name…but they took it. They took
everything from me.
                                                            
                       SAM
…this guy just keeps getting
weirder and weirder.
                                                            
                       JOE
Who took it from you?
                                                            

13.

                       NEWKID
The BFG, you fools! They’re
infiltrating our-
                                                            
                       SAM
Not this crap again!
                                                            
                       JOE
And he’s off, folks. Here we go.
                                                            
                       NEWKID
They’re like a virus…LOCUSTS….they
go from town to town…they’re
motive isn’t known…they’ve wiped
my mind too many times for me to
have any clear memories but fear…
                                                            
                       SAM
Jeez…that’s a bitch.
                                                            
                       NEWKID
They’ve brought me under their
power before…their hypnosis…many
times…but I got away…every time I
escaped they found me…here
there…everywhere! They’re looking
for me! They’re after me! They’re
coming!
                                                            
The doorbell rings. (ding dong!)
                                                            
                       NEWKID
They’re here!
                                                            
                       SAM
That’s not the BFG, they’re not at
the door, and they’re not out to
get you. You’re just paranoid,
that’s all.
                                                            
                       NEWKID
I need to get out!
                                                            
Joe holds down NewKid. The doorbell keeps ringing.
                                                            
                       SAM
Joe, you take care of him, I’ll
get the door.
                                                            
Sam walks up the basement stairs.
                                                            
INT. JOE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
                                                            

14.

Sam walks through Joe's living room and opens the door. Two
men in black suits and sunglasses are standing there.
                                                            
                       SAM
…can I help you?
                                                            
                       BFG MEMBER 1
Yes. We’re in the neighborhood
looking for a certain…dangerous
individual.
                                                            
The other man holds up a picture of NewKid.
                                                            
                       BFG MEMBER 1
Have you seen this individual?
                                                            
                       SAM
Yes. NO! I mean-no! Wait, who’s
asking?
                                                            
                       BFG MEMBER 2
Wait…why did you say ‘yes’ before
saying no?
                                                            
                       SAM
…I didn’t understand the question.
                                                            
                       BFG MEMBER 1
Yes…why, we’re just two local
milkmen out looking for a lost
child.
                                                            
                       SAM
Oh! Like on the back of the milk
cartons, right?
                                                            
                       BFG MEMBER 2
…yes. Let’s go with that.
                                                            
                       BFG MEMBER 1
Have you seen him?
                                                            
                       SAM
Oh yeah! He’s right down in the
basement.
                                                            
Sam leans in to BFG Member 1.
                                                            
                       SAM
Oh, and for your own safety, I
think he might be crazy.
                                                            
INT. JOE'S BASEMENT - DAY
                                                            

15.

Cut to the basement where NewKid is passed out. Sam walks
down the stairs.
                                                            
                       JOE
All I could find were dog
tranquilizers.
                                                            
                       SAM
What, like the ones they use in
the vet?
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah, why?
                                                            
                       SAM
Don’t you think they’re a little
strong?
                                                            
                       JOE
I think he needed it. He's
sleeping like a baby now.
                                                            
                       SAM
Well let’s drag him upstairs. The
milkman is here and he’s looking
for him.
                                                            
                       JOE
Milkman?
                                                            
                       SAM
You know, like on the back of the
cartons?
                                                            
                       JOE
Oh yeah!
                                                            
                       SAM
And it’ll get him out of our face,
too.
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah, he was starting to creep me
out too.
                                                            
INT. JOE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Cut to upstairs, where Joe and Sam drag New Kid’s body to
the door where the two men are.
                                                            
                       SAM
Here he is.
                                                            

16.

                       BFG MEMBER 2
…what did you do to him?
                                                            
                       JOE
Let’s just say it will be easier
to get him out of here.
                                                            
                       BFG MEMBER 1
Very good. Then our job is done
here.
                                                            
                       BFG MEMBER 2
Thank you very much.
                                                            
                       BFG MEMBER 1
We’ll be in the neighborhood for a
long time.
                                                            
                       BFG MEMBER 2
See you soon.
                                                            
The two men drag New Kid out of the house.
                                                            
                       SAM
Nice guys.
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah. Hey, did they leave any
milk? I usually buy my milk at the
supermarket.
                                                            
                       SAM
Yeah…now that I think about it, I
was under the impression milkmen
didn’t exist anymore.
                                                            
                       JOE
Must be making a comeback.
                                                            
 
INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY
                                                            
Fade into an auditorium filled with noisy talkative people.
BFG Speaker 1 is up at a podium on a stage. He raises his
hands, then slowly lowers them signaling the crowd to be
quiet. After they hush, he begins to speak.
                                                            

17.

                       BFG SPEAKER 1
First off, I'd like to thank all
of you for coming out here so
early. We will begin our initial
presentation shortly, but first
we'll open up the floor to any
questions you might have.
                                                            
Gary raises his hand in the crowd.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Yes, you up front there.
                                                            
                       GARY
Yes, I was just wondering if we'd
get more candy and ice cream this
morning?
                                                            
The BFG Speaker's attitude changes drastically.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Uh...just what do you think you're
doing?
                                                            
                       GARY
I was just wondering if-
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
You had an independent thought.
                                                            
                       GARY
But I just thought-
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Enough! Horace, take him away!
                                                            
A large man walks over and drags Gary out of his seat. Gary
screams as the large man drages him out the doors of the
auditorium. The entire crowd watches as Gary is dragged out.
The doors slam close, and there is silence. All the heads in
the audience slowly turn toward the speaker.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Does anybody else have any
questions?
                                                            
Nobody moves.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Just as I thought. Now, you will
all be silent, and we will begin.
                                                            

18.

The camera pans out of the room. The doors slam shut,
locking everybody inside.
                                                            
INT. JOE'S BASEMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
Cut to Joe's basement, where Sam is watching a TV Newsman on
Joe's TV.
                                                            
                       NEWSMAN
...and the little puppy made it
out okay. Little trouper. In other
news this evening, last night was
the fourth night in a row that
local citizens have reported
seeing strange lights in the sky.
Reports began flooding in exactly
three days ago, and have not
stopped since...
                                                            
Joe walks down the stairs and sees what Sam is watching.
                                                            
                       JOE
Don't even tell me you're actually
watching this garbage.
                                                            
                       SAM
...the news?
                                                            
                       JOE
Sam, this is FOX News.
Technically, it has the
information level of a comic book.
                                                            
                       SAM
Joe, they're called 'graphic
novels'.
                                                            
                       NEWSMAN
Our cameras have yet to record the
mystery, and there has only been
speculation as to what the cause
of the phenomenon could be. Due to
accumulating numbers of reports,
local researchers have been sent
out into the field to investigate
the origin of these mysterious
lights. Could they be ominous
crafts from another world, or
simply a rare geological
phenomenon? More at eleven.
                                                            
Joe turns off the TV.
                                                            

19.

                       SAM
Hey! I was watching that!
                                                            
                       JOE
...you don't actually believe this
stuff, do you?
                                                            
                       SAM
Of course I do! The TV said it.
                                                            
                       JOE
That doesn't constitue the report
being true.
                                                            
                       SAM
Joe, are you implying that TV
creates a false reality that
demeans the standards of actual
human existance?
                                                            
                       JOE
Dude, you watch 'The OC' every
Thursday night. nothing creates a
false reality and demeans the
standards of actual human
existance more than that.
                                                            
                       SAM
I can name at least three things
on that show that I do every day.
                                                            
                       JOE
What, wake up, eat and go to bed?
                                                            
                       SAM
...no...
                                                            
                       JOE
You've been sitting here all night
watching TV, did Rob ever show up?
He was supposed to be here at
7:30. He usually likes bashing
popular tripe with us like this.
                                                            
                       SAM
He's still at that orientation
meeting.
                                                            
                       JOE
Still? I thought that it was only
this morning.
                                                            

20.

                       SAM
Nope. My parents called and said
that they would be there all day,
and all night if they have to be.
                                                            
                       JOE
Your parents went to that thing
too?
                                                            
                       SAM
Yeah man. Everybody went to that
damn thing. They must be giving
out a hell of a lot of candy and
ice cream if my parents stayed all
day. What about yours?
                                                            
                       JOE
My parents are out. I don't know
where they are.
                                                            
                       SAM
...you never know where they are.
                                                            
INT. AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
                                                            
Cut to the inside of the auditorium. The crowd that was once
laid back is now uniform in stature. The BFG Speaker
continues to preech to the crowd, and he nows seems to have
them all under his control.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Your country is not important.
                                                            
The crowd repeats what he says, dazed and under his control.
                                                            
                       CROWD
Our country is not important.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Your religions are not important.
                                                            
                       CROWD
Our religions are not important.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Your families are not important.
                                                            
                       CROWD
Our families are not important.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Your bodies and souls are not
important.
                                                            

21.

                       CROWD
Our bodies and souls are not
important.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
The BFG provides all I need.
                                                            
                       CROWD
The BFG provides all we need.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Very good. your inception is now
complete. You are all now a part
of our family. Our meeting has
come to a close. Go now, brothers
and sisters, and spread the divine
word of the BFG to all you pass.
Our proliferation among humanity
will be glorious, and all who
stand in our path with join our
brotherhood in magnificent
harmony!
                                                            
The entire crowd applauds the speaker with ravenous applaus.
He raises his hands, then slowly lowers them, signaling to
be quiet. The crowd hushes to silence.
                                                            
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
And now, for our closing
statements, I present before you
our celebrated leader, Headmaster
Blaine!
                                                            
A man in a long ceremonial robe walks into the auditorium.
He slowly walks to the podium, and speaks into the
microphone.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Welcome all new members to the
BROTHERHOOD OF THE FOURTH GENESIS.
                                                            
INT. JOE'S BASEMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
Cut to Joe's basement-he is playing Halo 2 on his TV and
talking through his headset.
                                                            
                       JOE
This is bullshit! You can't just
stand there with a rocket launcher
and wait for us to walk by! Sam,
they're acting like assholes.
                                                            
INT. SAM'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            

22.

Cut to Sam in his living room, also playing Halo 2 and
talking through his headset. The scene goes back and forth
between Joe's basement and Sam's living room as they talk to
eachother through thier headsets.
                                                            
                       SAM
Welcome to Halo 2.
                                                            
INT. JOE'S BASEMENT
                                                            
                       JOE
Their entire team is just waiting
in that corner, holding a rocket
launcher at the door, and blowing
us up as we come in!
                                                            
Joe becomes frustrated with the game.
                                                            
                       JOE
I swear to God...I'm going to
write a letter to Bungie. 'Dear
Bungie. Congratulations. You
managed to create a game where
absolutely everybody acts like an
asshole.'
                                                            
INT. SAM'S LIVING ROOM
                                                            
                       SAM
We should have our own Halo party
with our own friends.
                                                            
INT. JOE'S BASEMENT
                                                            
                       JOE
Sam, that's actually a good idea.
Did you think that up just now?
                                                            
INT. SAM'S LIVING ROOM
                                                            
                       SAM
Yes I did. I figure that if our
opponents are going to act like
assholes, they might as well be
our friends...who as we know for
fact, tend to be less assholic
then the people online.
                                                            
INT. JOE'S BASEMENT
                                                            
                       JOE
I can host one next weekend. You
have any plans?
                                                            

23.

INT. SAM'S LIVING ROOM
                                                            
                       SAM
Joe, when do I ever have any
plans?
                                                            
INT. JOE'S BASEMENT
                                                            
                       JOE
Good point.
                                                            
INT. SAM'S LIVING ROOM
                                                            
                       SAM
We'll need to hand out invites all
this week.
                                                            
INT. JOE'S BASEMENT
                                                            
                       JOE
No problem. I'll make up some on
my computer...DAMN IT! I swear to
God, I will bring a flaming
halbred to this X-Box so
fast...the only reason they're
winning is because they have one
guy running around with the sword!
                                                            
INT. SAM'S LIVING ROOM
                                                            
                       SAM
WTH 2, man.
                                                            
INT. JOE'S BASEMENT
                                                            
                       JOE
WTH 2?
                                                            
INT. SAM'S LIVING ROOM
                                                            
                       SAM
Welcome To Halo 2.
                                                            
 
INT. SCHOOL - DAY
                                                            
Fade into the hallways of Joe and Sam's school. Students are
going about, in and out of classrooms. Joe and Sam are
walking through the halls looking for people to hand out
invites to. Joe has the invites and Sam has a clipboard with
a checklist on it.
                                                            

24.

                       JOE
Who's next?
                                                            
                       SAM
Rob.
                                                            
They walk over to Rob, who is now very low key.
                                                            
                       JOE
Here's an invite to our Halo party
on Saturday night.
                                                            
                       ROB
Saturday night? I don't think I
can make it.
                                                            
                       JOE
Why not?
                                                            
                       ROB
I have a date that night.
                                                            
                       JOE
With who, Erica?
                                                            
                       ROB
Erica? She's not my girlfriend
anymore. She's my sister now. I
have a date with the BFG. We're
all brothers and sisters in the
BFG, and Erica and I have taken
our relationship to the next
level.
                                                            
                       SAM
That's kinda...creepy...
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah...that's cool...in an
incestual kind of way...I
guess...well, we'll be...crossing
you off the list then.
                                                            
                       SAM
Yeah...have fun at
your...thing...there...then.
                                                            
                       ROB
I will.
                                                            
Rob walks away as Sam crosses him off the list.
                                                            

25.

                       JOE
...that was akward.
                                                            
                       SAM
Rob's absence makes four no shows
out of four.
                                                            
                       JOE
Everybody's going to this damn BFG
thing. There's going to be nobody
left to come to our party!
                                                            
                       SAM
Do you think we should still get
the chips and dip?
                                                            
                       JOE
Sam, that's a given. We both know
that if worse comes to worse,
we're going to finish it
ourselves.
                                                            
Jimmy, another of Joe and Sam's friends run up to them. He
is flustered.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Joe! Sam! Thank God I found you
guys!
                                                            
                       SAM
What is it?
                                                            
                       JOE
Is everything alright?
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Everything's fine, but there's
something wrong.
                                                            
                       SAM
...so, that would imply that
everything is in fact, not
alright.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Minor details! You know what I
mean.
                                                            
                       JOE
Jimmy, just tell us-what's wrong?
                                                            
Just then, Newkid comes up from behind Joe and Sam,
interrupts Joe, and puts his arms around them.
                                                            

26.

                       NEWKID
Joe! Sam! How have you two been?
                                                            
                       SAM
Ahhh! Don't hurt me! I'm unarmed!
                                                            
                       NEWKID
Oh Samuel! You're such a larf!
I've been reborn again!
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Oh my God, did it hurt your mom?!
                                                            
There is a beat, and everybody is silent for a moment.
                                                            
                       JOE
      (turning to sam)
I think getting these two idiots
together would be...dangerous.
                                                            
                       SAM
We need to separate them. You take
Newkid, I'll take Jimmy.
                                                            
Joe puts his arm around Newkid and moves him away from Jimmy
and Sam.
                                                            
                       JOE
Listen, Newkid...buddy...we're
having a party on Saturday night.
You good at Halo?
                                                            
                       NEWKID
      (laughs a bit)
Oh Joe! The BFG forbids such
heinous acts. Mutilation and
slaughter is never the answer.
                                                            
                       JOE
...but it's a video game.
                                                            
                       NEWKID
Nonetheless, such material
sensations are strictly forbidden
by the Brotherhood Headmasters.
                                                            
                       JOE
...you can't be serious.
                                                            
                       NEWKID
No, I am quite true to my word.
Such moronic pleasures are
forbidden from all-
                                                            

27.

                       JOE
No, not that you idiot. The BFG.
You joined them again? Not three
days ago were you running from
their very sight.
                                                            
                       NEWKID
Like I said before my friend-I've
been born again.
                                                            
                       JOE
So I take it you're not coming to
our party either?
                                                            
                       NEWKID
I'm sorry, but I cannot attend.
                                                            
                       JOE
Oh well...I guess I'll be seeing
you around then.
                                                            
                       NEWKID
Until we meet again.
                                                            
Newkid holds out his hand to shake with Joe. He holds it
there for a beat, then Joe reluctantly responds with a
shake. Newkid walks away. Joe walks back over to Sam and
Jimmy.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Who was that guy?
                                                            
                       JOE
Somebody you should never meet.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Sam was telling me about your
party.
                                                            
                       JOE
Please tell me you can make it.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Sure. I just have to run it over
with my-
                                                            
Before Jimmy can finish what he is saying, a pair of silky
hands wrap around him and embrace him. Jimmy's girlfriend,
Alex steps into the picture, hanging all over Jimmy.
                                                            
                       ALEX
Joe, Sam. The only two besides my
Jimmy to join our brotherhood.
                                                            

28.

                       JOE
Alex, don't even tell me you
joined the BFG too?
                                                            
                       SAM
Jesus, has everybody in this town
gone mad?
                                                            
                       JOE
So Jimmy, be there Saturday at 7.
We'll start off with some warm up
slayer games and then-
                                                            
                       ALEX
Saturday night? Oh no, he can't
go.
                                                            
                       JOE
Why not?
                                                            
Alex seductively hangs over Jimmy, speaking for him.
                                                            
                       ALEX
He's got a BFG meeting that night.
We may be there for a long time.
                                                            
                       SAM
Jimmy would never join that stupid
club. He's smarter than he looks.
                                                            
Joe slowly turns and looks at Sam. Jimmy stands there
stupefied as Alex hangs all over him.
                                                            
                       SAM
Okay, so maybe he isn't too
bright. He still won't join the
BFG though.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Guys, I can't come to your
party...
                                                            
                       JOE
But you just said you could!
                                                            
Alex lets go of Jimmy and begins to walk backwards. She
seductively signals Jimmy to come with her.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
I have an...appointment with
the...BFG...
                                                            

29.

                       SAM
Dude! Bros over hos! BROS OVER
HOS!
                                                            
                       JOE
It's useless Sam. That stupid
saying never works.
                                                            
                       SAM
You're right...I'm going to have
to send a very angry e-mail when I
get home.
                                                            
                       JOE
He never used to act like that
around Alex...I mean, he's an
idiot, but he's not stupid to the
point beyond words. And Alex never
such a...
                                                            
                       SAM
Slut?
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah! I was gonna say tramp, but
slut works to. And now Jimmy is
going to join the BFG with her?
                                                            
                       SAM
Joe, we've got bigger problems.
                                                            
                       JOE
What, getting our friends back to
normal?
                                                            
                       SAM
No, screw our friends! If nobody
comes to our Halo party, it's
going to be a bust!
                                                            
                       JOE
Dear God...you're right. What do
we do?
                                                            
                       SAM
I say we find these Headmasters
and have a little chat with them.
                                                            
Cut to Headmaster Jiro's office. He is sitting at his desk,
writing a paper. The paper he has says 'People To
Brainwash'. There is a long list of names, with Joe and
Sam's at the bottom. He cirlces thier names. His door busts
open as Joe and Sam walk in.
                                                            

30.

                       JOE
Headmaster Jiro?
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
Ah! Joseph R. Casper and Samuel L.
Jackson. We were just talking
about you.
                                                            
                       SAM
...we who?
                                                            
Headmaster Jiro takes a flustered beat.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
      (stuttering)
...please! Please, sit down. Make
yourselves comfortable. Here, help
yourselves to a peanut butter cup.
                                                            
                       JOE
All the peanut butter cups in the
world couldn't coax us! We've got
a bone to pick with you!
                                                            
                       SAM
Yeah! And not like those little
dogtoy bones. The big complicated
ones they hang in museums!
                                                            
                       JOE
We demand to speak with Headmaster
Blaine.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
Headmaster Blaine is
currently...unavailable. But, I am
head of personell at the BFG...I
assume you're here for admission?
                                                            
                       SAM
Admission?
                                                            
                       JOE
Think again, pal. We're here
because we know what you and your
little gang are up to!
                                                            
                       SAM
We know all about your diabolical
plots!
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
...you do?
                                                            

31.

                       JOE
That's right, buddy! And we will
not go quietly!
                                                            
                       SAM
You're not going to get away with
this. We're onto you!
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
Of course not...but, tell me...how
much do you know?
                                                            
                       SAM
We know enough to take your whole
operation down! We'll go to the
media and create a frenzy if need
be! You know the rounds-CBS, NBC,
FOX...well, CBS and NBC, but media
frenzy nonetheless!
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
Now, now. Let's not get hasty
about all this. Why don't we talk
it over? I'm sure we can reach
some sort of an agreement. Have
you ever thought of joining the
BFG...?
                                                            
                       SAM
We've heard all about your crazy
morals and beliefs.
                                                            
                       JOE
You'll never get us to join!
                                                            
Headmaster Jiro gets out of his chair and slowly makes his
way around his desk and over to Joe and Sam.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
Listen, there must be some way to
give you a taste of our instant
rewards. Why don't you two just
come to a quick orientation
meeting this Saturday night, and
we'll-
                                                            
                       JOE
Saturday night?
                                                            
                       SAM
Oh no!
                                                            

32.

                       JOE
Listen, you get out of this town
as quickly as possible, and there
won't have to be any
confrontation. I bid you good day,
sir!
                                                            
Joe and Sam storm out of Headmaster Jiro's office. They
leave and violently close the door. There is a beat, then
Sam rushes back in, knocks over a pencil holder on
Headmaster Jiro's desk, takes some peanut butter cups,
scolds at him, then leaves again. Headmaster Jiro thinks
about the confrontation that just occured.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
So...there are indeed nonbelievers
among us...
                                                            
INT. DARKENED ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Cut to a darkened room. It is daylight out, but the room
remains darkened. Headmaster Blaine is sitting in his
armchair when Headmaster Jiro enters and walks up to him.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
Headmaster Blaine...we have a
problem. There are...nonbelievers
among us. They know our secrets.
What do we do?
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Contact Headmaster Stern. We must
concieve a plan to eradicate them.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
At once, my liege.
                                                            
Headmaster Jiro exits the room.
                                                            
OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL
                                                            
Cut to Joe and Sam outside, walking down the street.
                                                            
                       JOE
Well, I think we threw around
enough bullshit back there.
                                                            
                       SAM
It's feels so much better than an
angry letter when you do it in
person!
                                                            

33.

                       JOE
If they're going to create a club
that bans video games and promotes
incestual relationships, then I
want no part of it! I mean, all we
want is to have a Halo party.
That's all.
                                                            
                       SAM
So much for morals. Are we really
going to go to the media?
                                                            
                       JOE
Listen, Sam, they don't know just
how angry the Halo community can
get.
                                                            
 
INT. BFG MEETING ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Cut to the BFG meeting room, the place where the Headmasters
conjur up thier plots and plans. The room is large, with
giant windows and a single long table in the center. The
entire room is dark accept for the table, which is
surrounded by candles. Headmaster Blaine sits at the head of
the table, while Headmasters Jiro and Stern sit opposite
from eachother at the center. Blaine is drinking out of a
large goblet, while the other headmasters have smaller cups.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER STERN
This news of nonbelievers among us
is startling. They will indeed
hinder our progress.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
Just as we have set up our
organization, there are already
those that oppose us.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER STERN
The bonds of our brotherhood must
be strengthened. We need more
members.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
The town is almost dry. There are
very few left, and almost none
oppose us. What will two do
against a thousand?
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER STERN
They are a threat nonetheless. I
suggest we eradicate them.
                                                            

34.

                       HEADMASTER JIRO
Eradication may not be the answer.
We must suade them to join us.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Headmaster Jiro may be right, but
eradictaion may be our only
solution. Two will grow into Four.
Four will grow into ten. Ten will
grow into one hundred. One hundred
will grow into a thousand, and
soon enough, our numbers will be
matched.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
My liege, I don't think these two
are capable of
such...accomplishments. They are
indeed a threat, but a minor one.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER STERN
Headmaster Blaine, I will
personally make it my duty to
eradicate the nonbelievers.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Are you sure you can accomplish
this? You have failed me in the
past Mardeo. You're the one who
got us into this mess in the first
place.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
We're so close to our goal that I
don't think giving him such an
opportunity at this point should
be an option.
                                                            
Headmaster Stern stares at Headmaster Jiro and gives him a
hateful look.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Redemption is a law of the BFG,
and as long as we're under this
roof we will obey it. Headmaster
Stern, you have my permission to
eradicate the nonbelievers. You
may use any method necessary, but
I do not want any casualties other
than those who oppose us. Can you
do this?
                                                            
Headmaster Stern stands and turns towards Headmaster Blaine.
                                                            

35.

                       HEADMASTER STERN
I can, and will my lord. You have
my word.
                                                            
Headmaster Stern exits.
                                                            
INT. JOE'S BASEMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
Cut to Joe's basement. The place is all set up for the
party, but unfortunately, nobody's shown up. The green light
on the X-Box flashes on and off. The basement is empty. Joe
is upstairs at his kitchen table writing a letter.
                                                            
                       JOE
      (writing)
Dear Bungie...Congratulations. You
managed to create a game where
absolutely everybody acts like an
asshole.
                                                            
There is a knock on Joe's door. He stops writing the letter
and goes to open the door. It's Sam.
                                                            
                       JOE
You're late. I resorted to playing
online, and I inevitably ended up
writing the letter again. It's
about time you decided to show up.
What took you so long? You're the
first one here.
                                                            
                       SAM
Joe, forget the party. Nobody's
coming.
                                                            
                       JOE
You don't know that!
                                                            
                       SAM
Joe, nobody's going to show
up-trust me, I know.
                                                            
                       JOE
...what?
                                                            
                       SAM
The entire town is empty.
                                                            
                       JOE
Bullshit. I don't believe that.
                                                            

36.

                       SAM
My parents went to the meeting
tonight, and I couldn't get a
ride, so I walked. On the way
here, I noticed there were no cars
on the road, and nobody in town.
                                                            
                       JOE
Are you serious?
                                                            
                       SAM
Either everybody's taken a
vacation, or people have once
again gone to great lengths to
avoid one of your parties.
                                                            
                       JOE
I need to see this for myself.
                                                            
EXT. TOWN OF SAYVILLE - NIGHT
                                                            
Cut to the town of Sayville. It is very quiet. The entire
town is empty. Two street lights swing in the breeze alone.
The streets are empty. There isn't a soul to be seen or
heard. Joe and Sam run into the picture. They run through
the desolate place in various shots, all of which are empty
backgrounds. They come to a stop on one corner.
                                                            
                       JOE
You're right...there's nobody.
There's nobody here.
                                                            
                       SAM
I told you.
                                                            
                       JOE
There has to be somebody
somewhere. The entire town can't
be completely empty!
                                                            
                       SAM
They're all at that meeting.
They're all in the BFG.
                                                            
                       JOE
That can't be. How can an entire
town join a single club?
                                                            
Sam grabs Joe by the shoulders.
                                                            

37.

                       SAM
Joe, you haven't figured it out
yet? It's not a club, it's a cult!
They've enslaved the entire town!
                                                            
There is a short beat, then Joe steps back.
                                                            
                       JOE
...how long has it been since you
brushed your teeth?
                                                            
                       SAM
...does that really matter right
now?
                                                            
                       JOE
You answered my question with
another question, dick!
                                                            
                       SAM
So?
                                                            
                       JOE
So you don't do that! You don't
answer other people's questions
with questions of your own, it's a
rule of-
                                                            
There is a faint yelling in the distance.
                                                            
                       SAM
Shut up-do you hear that?
                                                            
They listen as the yelling increases.
                                                            
                       SAM
It's coming from that way.
                                                            
Sam, points forward, and they run in the direction of the
yelling. They run through the empty town some more, and then
they stop for a second.
                                                            
                       JOE
...is that Jimmy?
                                                            
                       SAM
...it can't be!
                                                            
Jimmy is wandering in the middle of town, alone, carrying a
blanket and a pillow. Joe and Sam run up to him.
                                                            
                       JOE
Jimmy! What are you doing here?
                                                            

38.

                       JIMMY
Thank God you guys showed up! I
need your help.
                                                            
                       JOE
What's wrong?
                                                            
                       JIMMY
I need somebody to tuck me in!
It's way past my bedtime.
                                                            
Joe and Sam are stupefied. They are silent for a beat.
                                                            
                       SAM
      (stutters words)
I...you...I...it...you...
                                                            
Joe pulls a glass of water from off screen and splashes it
on Sam.
                                                            
                       SAM
Thank you, I needed that. Joe, do
you want to field this one?
                                                            
                       JOE
Jimmy, the entire town is missing,
and your wandering around looking
for somebody to tuck you in?
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Joe, you know as well as anybody.
I can't fall asleep until somebody
tucks me in!
                                                            
                       SAM
Then do it yourself!
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Sam, the sheer idea of that is
laughable. My parents haven't been
home all weekend, and without my
nightly monster check, I'm as good
as dead.
                                                            
                       SAM
You know, now that I think about
it, with that monster loose, there
would be much more at stake than
Jimmy's bedtime.
                                                            

39.

                       JOE
Wait a minute. Jimmy, you said
that they haven't been home all
weekend?
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Yep.
                                                            
                       JOE
...then where are they?
                                                            
                       JIMMY
They went to a BFG meeting and
never came back.
                                                            
                       SAM
Wait, I thought you were going to
join the BFG too.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
I did...for a little while. Then I
left.
                                                            
                       SAM
So wait-you mean to tell me that
you just...left? You walked out
under your own free will?
                                                            
                       JOE
You weren't brainwashed by the BFG
like the rest of the town?
                                                            
                       JIMMY
They tried. They really tried, but
they said I was a lost cause. Ohh!
A penny!!
                                                            
Jimmy dives to the ground.
                                                            
                       SAM
How could he not have been
affected by them? If everybody
else in town is gone, then what
makes Jimmy so special?
                                                            
Jimmy is still on the ground, off camera.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
It's a vintage one! Circa 1943!
Good shape, too!
                                                            

40.

                       JOE
It's not too hard to figure out,
Sam. Look at him. He's an idiot.
They couldn't brainwash him if
they tried.
                                                            
Jimmy jumps back up from off the ground. He tries to show
Joe and Sam the penny he just found.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
You guys gotta take a look at this
one. Look at the craftsmanship on
it...and there's even some gum
stuck on the Lincoln side! See? It
makes his hair look all green and
sticky!
                                                            
Jim sticks his finger in his mouth, then pulls it back out
again.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Ohh! Minty, too! I didn't know
Lincoln's hair tasted like
spearmint.
                                                            
 
INT. JOE'S KITCHEN - NIGHT
                                                            
Joe, Sam, and Jimmy are sitting at Joe's kitchen table.
Jimmy is eating eggo waffles.
                                                            
                       SAM
...how can you eat that? It's one
o'clock in the morning.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Leggo my eggo!
                                                            
                       SAM
Jimmy, first of all, I don't want
your uncooked eggo. Second of all,
that's not syrup, it's salsa. I
could give you a power point
presentation about how I want to
leggo those eggos. First of all,
you haven't actually cooked said
eggo. Second of all, that's not
syrup. That's salsa. Third of all-
                                                            
                       JOE
Sam, shut up. There are bigger
things happening here. The entire
town's been abducted by an evil
            (MORE)

41.

                       JOE (cont'd)
cult, and you can just sit here
and argue about waffles?
                                                            
There is a short beat. Sam looks at Joe, then back to Jimmy.
                                                            
                       SAM
Point three-
                                                            
Joe flips out and throws the plate on the ground.
                                                            
                       JOE

Noonewantsyourgoddameggoitsgoddamdisgusting!!
                                                            
                       SAM
Leggo the attitude, Joe. Leggo the
attitude.
                                                            
                       JOE
I'm sorry I flew off the handle
bars like that...it's just
that...I really want to play Halo,
and it's starting to get to me.
                                                            
                       SAM
Well then we have to figure out
what to do about the BFG. We need
to put our heads together. I mean,
we're all smart here.
                                                            
Beat. Pan to Jimmy who is scraping the eggo off the floor.
                                                            
                       SAM
Okay, two-thirds of us here are
smart. I'm sure we can come up
with something.
                                                            
                       JOE
It was just a meeting. It should
have ended at one point. What
could they still be doing there?
                                                            
Jimmy comes back up from the floor and puts the dish back on
the table.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
It wasn't a normal meeting
tonight. It was more of
a...ceremony. The entire town was
there.
                                                            
                       SAM
A ceremony? A ceremony for what?
                                                            

42.

                       JIMMY
The complete inception of the
entire town.
                                                            
                       SAM
Nice SAT word.
                                                            
                       JOE
Was Rob there? He said he was
going, but we haven't seen him all
week.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
No, he wasn't.
                                                            
                       JOE
Have you seen him lately?
                                                            
                       JIMMY
He's been to some meetings, but
not lately. Some of the people who
were at the early meetings have
gone missing. The Headmasters said
to think nothing of it.
                                                            
                       JOE
The Headmasters...they're the ones
behind this whole thing?
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Yep. Where they came from is a
mystery, but they said they
created the BFG to unify us all as
brothers and sisters.
                                                            
                       SAM
Wait a minute-how do you know
this? You don't know anything.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
All the other members in the BFG
seem to forget the major details
after meetings for some reason.
It's weird, I know. I usually
forget stuff like this on a
regular basis.
                                                            

43.

                       JOE
No, it's not weird at all. It's
actually really simple. They
didn't brainwash you, Jimmy.
That's why you're able to retain
all of this stuff after you hear
it.
                                                            
                       SAM
So basically, you're saying is
that he's too stupid to be
brainwashed, but not too stupid to
remember all the secrets of a
major organization?
                                                            
Jimmy continues to eat his eggo.
                                                            
                       JOE
Exactly.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
The Headmasters kicked me out
after they realized that I
couldn't be brainwashed.
                                                            
                       SAM
They didn't want you to learn more
of thier secrets, so they just
gave you the boot.
                                                            
                       JOE
The Headmasters...Jiro and
Blaine...they're the only ones,
right?
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Stern.
                                                            
                       SAM
Excuse me?
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Stern.
                                                            
                       SAM
What about Howard Stern?
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Not Howard Stern, you dolt.
Headmaster Stern. He's the third
Headmaster. He's the
disciplinarian of the group.
                                                            

44.

                       JOE
So there are three Headmasters?
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Yes. Kyros Blaine, Nyeki Jiro, and
Mardeo Stern. They're the ones
that started this whole mess.
                                                            
                       JOE
We already talked to Jiro...we
were under the assumption that
there were only two.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Nope. There are three of them.
                                                            
                       SAM
If Rob's in there, we need to get
him out.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Rob's been missing for days, along
with a couple other members. The
Headmasters said to make nothing
of it.
                                                            
                       JOE
They're up to something.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
That guy I met ther other day went
missing too...you know, that new
kid.
                                                            
                       SAM
Newkid's missing too? If all these
people are regular members, then
what's happening to them?
                                                            
                       JOE
They're up to no good, that's
what.
                                                            
                       SAM
You think, Joe? They enslaved the
entire town, and God knows what
else they're doing to these people
behind closed doors. You know what
Joe, they're probably just a
charity. We should probably give
up now.
                                                            

45.

                       JIMMY
Alex has changed since she
joined...she never used to be such
a-
                                                            
                       JOE
Slut?
                                                            
                       SAM
Tramp?
                                                            
                       JOE
Hobag?
                                                            
                       SAM
Skank?
                                                            
                       JOE
Hussie?
                                                            
                       SAM
Concubine?
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Okay guys, that's enough.
                                                            
Sam is holding the dictionary and has reading glasses on.
                                                            
                       SAM
One who is considered sexually
promiscuous?
                                                            
                       JOE
Strumpet?
                                                            
                       SAM
Adultress?
                                                            
                       JOE
Whore?
                                                            
                       SAM
Harlot?
                                                            
                       JOE
Trollop?
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Okay guys, that's enough, I get
the picture...guys? You can stop.
                                                            
Joe and Sam continue to rattle off words.
                                                            

46.

                       SAM
Seductive mistress of passion and
temptation?
                                                            
                       JOE
Tart?
                                                            
                       SAM
Working girl?
                                                            
                       JOE
Town bicycle?
                                                            
Jimmy gets frustratingly angry.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Okay guys, you can stop now...
                                                            
                       JOE
Woman of the street?
                                                            
                       JOE
One who-
                                                            
                       JIMMY
OKAY!! STOP IT!!
                                                            
Joe and Sam shut up.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
I was going to say mindless slave
and puppet...but I think you guys
just beat it to death. Now c'mon!
Weren't we going to do some sort
of plan thing or something?
                                                            
                       SAM
He's right...for once. We have to
find Rob and get him out of there
before something bad...er...worse
happens.
                                                            
                       JOE
Well what about the rest of the
town?
                                                            
                       SAM
...you know Joe...I'm not too fond
of the rest of the town.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Well, we need to find Rob first
before we can rescue him.
                                                            

47.

                       JOE
Find him? Oh, finding him's not a
problem. Getting him out is.
                                                            
                       SAM
Joe, do you remember what happened
last time we tried to find a
missing person? I ended up nailing
myself to a telephone pole. Let's
let the milkman handle this one.
                                                            
                       JOE
Sam, the milkmen are long extinct.
We need to move up to something
more...professional.
                                                            
INT. BFG MEETING ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Fade out on Joe, Sam and Jimmy. Fade into the BFG Meeting
Room, at night. Blaine and Jiro are sitting at the head of
the long table, along with Rob and Newkid. Blaine and Jiro
stand up.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Brothers...you are all here
because you have been chosen. Your
loyalty to the BFG is stronger
than all the rest, and now your
hard work will all be paid off.
                                                            
Blaine raises his goblet, followed by Jiro raising his
glass. Pan down the table. Rob and Newkid stand up and raise
thier glasses as well.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
To everlasting life, and a future
Headmaster.
                                                            
 
INT. JACK ROCKWELL'S OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
The scene fades out from the BFG meeting room to the office
of Jack Rockwell, private eye. Everything is in black and
white, like an old film noir movie. Jack Rockwell is sitting
in his chair with his feet up on his desk, and puts a
cigarette out in an ashtray. He begins to talk through
narration.
                                                            
                       JACK
      (through narration)
It was like any other day. I had
just put out another
cigarette...which is odd, because
            (MORE)

48.

                       JACK (cont'd)
I don't smoke. Business was slow
that week...but then again, when
you don't advertise, business is
always slow.
                                                            
Joe and Sam walk into the room.
                                                            
                       JOE
Mr. Rockwell, I presume?
                                                            
                       JACK
      (through narration)
It was just then that she walked
into my office.
                                                            
Joe and Sam hear Jack's narration and look around, trying to
find where the voice is coming from.
                                                            
                       JACK
      (through narration)
She was a beautiful dame. I could
tell she was in trouble, and
needed my help.
                                                            
                       SAM
...excuse me?
                                                            
Jack comes out of his narration and notices Joe and Sam.
                                                            
                       JACK
Oh! I didn't notice you there.
Sorry about that. It's just...so
many helpless dames walk into my
office every day, I've kind of
gotten into a routine.
                                                            
Jack stands up and extends his hand to Joe and Sam.
                                                            
                       JACK
Jack Rockwell, Private Eye at your
service.
                                                            
Jack shakes hands with Joe and Sam.
                                                            
                       JACK
Now what seems to be the problem
here?
                                                            
                       JOE
We need you to help us find a
missing person.
                                                            
Jack stops, thinks, and sits back down in his chair.
                                                            

49.

                       JACK
      (through narration)
Ah yes...the whole 'missing person
gig. I've done it before. But
never very well.
                                                            
Joe and Sam look around Jack's office, then look at
eachother and shrug. Jack continues his narration.
                                                            
                       JACK
      (through narration)
People usually come to me to find
other people who are missing. It
gets kind of annoying after a
while...sometimes I feel like I
need to branch out into different
markets, you know, get off of this
one trick pony. I probably
shouldn't even have become a
private eye in the first place. I
mean, I've had A.D.D. all my life,
and can never stay on one topic at
a time. Speaking of time, you know
what I've actually been thinking
about going into? Politics. You
know, the whole beaurocrat thing.
It seems interesting, but a man's
gotta make a living...even if that
means going from paycheck to
paycheck living on boos and
spaghettiOs. Speaking of
beaurocrats, I should get a cat.
They seem like nice company. I
know I could use some company
around the office. That, or a nice
woman. Yeah. Women. They're cool.
Speaking of cool, remember that
movie, Cool Runnings? Yeah, that
was a cool movie. Pun intended.
You know, I think that quite
possibly could have been John
Candy's best movie. Candy.
Mmmmm...candy. I could go for some
of that right now...
                                                            
                       JOE
Uh, Mr. Rockwell? Are you there?
Hello?
                                                            
Joe waves his hand in Jack's face. Jack jumps in his chair
as if he had just come out of a trance.
                                                            

50.

                       JACK
What? Who? Oh, you guys. That's
right, the ugly looking chicks.
                                                            
                       SAM
We're not helpless dames.
                                                            
                       JACK
Oh yeah...sorry about that.
Routine, you know.
                                                            
                       JOE
Listen, we need you to help us
find our friend.
                                                            
                       JACK
No can do, buddy. I've gone out of
business. Thinkin' about goin'
into politics now.
                                                            
                       SAM
How did you go out of business?
                                                            
                       JACK
Well, when an entire town vanishes
out of nowhere, business slows
down to nearly nothing.
                                                            
Jack turns in his chair and begins to speak in narration
again.
                                                            
                       JACK
      (through narration)
Hmmm...a whole town gone missing.
You know, now that I think about
it, being a private eye, I
probably should have done
something about this a long time
ago...
                                                            
                       SAM
Uh...you know we can hear you,
right?
                                                            
                       JACK
Huh? Oh, yes of course. Wait, are
you sure?
                                                            
                       SAM
Yeah, pretty sure. It's filling
the entire room.
                                                            

51.

                       JACK
Oh...I didn't say anything dirty,
did I?
                                                            
                       SAM
...I don't think so.
                                                            
                       JACK
Good. I've been known to repeat
things I read in magazines
sometimes... But wait, what did I
exactly did I say then?
                                                            
                       SAM
Something about the entire town
missing and you doing nothing
about it.
                                                            
                       JACK
Oh yeah! I remember that. That was
cool.
                                                            
Jack turns and goes into narration again.
                                                            
                       JACK
      (through narration)
Yep...I remember the last time I
went into narration. I remember it
like it was yesterday...yeah, that
was cool. Speaking of cool,
remember that movie, Cool
Runnings? John Candy's awesome. I
wish I had some candy. But I have
no money. I wish people would come
in here and ask me for work. If
only the entire town didn't go
missing, then I'd have work. From
the work, I would get money. I
would take the money, and then
exchange it for goods and
services. Preferrably candy, which
I have a hankerin' for right now.
Yeah, candy is cool. Hey, remember
that movie, Cool Runnings?
                                                            
Joe gets pissed, interrupts him, and throws a stapler at
him.
                                                            
                       JOE
Just stop it already!
                                                            

52.

                       JACK
What? Huh? You guys? Oh yeah, the
ugly lookin' chicks.
                                                            
                       JOE
Listen, our friend joined the BFG,
and hasn't been seen since. Even
other members don't know where he
is. We think he's in trouble. You
are the only person left in town.
We need your help.
                                                            
                       JACK
So wait a minute, let me get this
straight here: you want me to find
a missing person in a town of
missing people?
                                                            
                       SAM
Yes.
                                                            
                       JACK
      (through narration)
The offer of work was good, and
God knows that I needed the money.
But I didn't know if I could take
the case...I was just going to
screw everything up and put these
kids into a hole deeper than
they're already in. I mean,
couldn't just sit here and tell
them I can't do it.
                                                            
                       JACK
I can't do it. Look guys, to be
honest with you, I wouldn't be
able to find a missing person if
he were standing right in front of
my face whistling the Chips theme
song.
                                                            
Jack holds up a bag of chips to Joe and Sam.
                                                            
                       JACK
Chips? They're good. I've got dip
in the back.
                                                            
Joe and Sam take a beat. Jack gets up and starts to go into
the back to get the dip.
                                                            
                       JOE
Let's get out of here, Sam. This
guy's useless.
                                                            

53.

                       SAM
Yeah, and he smells bad, too.
                                                            
                       JACK
Hey, you'd smell bad too if you
were up all night drinking hard
liquor and looking after circus
elephants.
                                                            
                       SAM
I don't even want to know what he
means by that.
                                                            
Joe and Sam leave Jack's office. They close the door behind
them and start walking down the block. Everything is in
color again.
                                                            
                       JOE
...you know, I think I just
realized something.
                                                            
                       SAM
What?
                                                            
                       JOE
Well, if the BFG recruited every
single person in town, what makes
Jack so special?
                                                            
                       SAM
Maybe he's like Jimmy. You know,
playing the whole 'stupid person'
card.
                                                            
                       JOE
Sam...I think that's his entire
deck.
                                                            
                       SAM
You know, I think you're right.
They probably came to his office,
found out he's not the deadliest
bullet in the gun, then just left
him there and went home.
                                                            
Cut back to Jack's office. There is a knock at the door.
Jack goes to open it. There are two BFG members standing
there.
                                                            
                       JACK
Yes, can I help you?
                                                            

54.

                       BFG MEMBER 1
Sir, have you found the right
religion?
                                                            
                       JACK
Wait a minute, you two aren't
helpless dames...is this some kind
of a joke?
                                                            
                       BFG MEMBER 1
Joke? Not at all.
                                                            
                       BFG MEMBER 2
We're here to invite you into
our...select club.
                                                            
                       JACK
A club, huh? You know, I've always
wanted to be part of the in crowd.
                                                            
Jack turns and goes into narration.
                                                            
                       JACK
      (through narration)
Yeah...the in crowd. I was never
part of the in crowd when I was
younger. Maybe its because I never
wore cool clothes like everybody
else. You know, Old Navy has some
cool clothes. I like Old Navy. Old
Navy sells all kinds of stuff. The
only thing better than Old Navy is
Old Spice. Old Spice not only
makes you smell clean and new, but
refreshed as well. It's like a bar
of soap that doesn't need water to
make you clean. It's like magic!
Oh man, magic is cool. I was at
this party once, and they had this
magician, and he was doing all
these cool tricks and stuff. It
was so cool. He was like, making
birds fly out of his hat, and
pulling money from behind people's
ears! Seriously, how you can you
go poor if you can take money from
behind people's ears. It's magic!
I swear, I can't tell how they do
those complicated tricks. Like
skateboarders. Skateboarders do
all sorts of crazy tricks. I could
never be a skateboarder, though.
Maybe that's because I was never
            (MORE)

55.

                       JACK (cont'd)
in the in crowd. Man I wish I was
in a cool club. Maybe I should
join the club these guys come
from. Yes! That's a great idea!
That's what I'll do! I'll join
thier club!
                                                            
During Jack's narration, the two BFG members try to get him
out of it.
                                                            
                       BFG MEMBER 1
Hello? Hello?
                                                            
                       BFG MEMBER 2
Anybody there? Hello?
                                                            
They try to wave and get his attention, but Jack doesn't
stop.
                                                            
                       BFG MEMBER 1
You know, do we really want
somebody like this back at
headquarters?
                                                            
                       BFG MEMBER 2
Yeah, you're probably right. Let's
just leave him here.
                                                            
                       BFG MEMBER 1
What do we tell the Headmasters?
                                                            
                       BFG MEMBER 2
Let's just say there was nobody
home.
                                                            
The two BFG members walk out of Jack's office. When they
leave, Jack comes out of his narration.
                                                            
                       JACK
Sure I'll join your club! Hello?
Hello?
                                                            
EXT. STREET - DAY
                                                            
Cut back to Joe and Sam walking down the street.
                                                            
                       JOE
We should have compromised with
him. He's the only person left in
town to help us.
                                                            
Jack runs around the corner behind Joe and Sam. He holds his
hat as he runs, and makes his way to Joe and Sam.
                                                            

56.

                       JACK
Wait! Wait, come back! Hold on!
                                                            
He runs up in between Joe and Sam.
                                                            
                       SAM
Oh good, he's following us.
                                                            
                       JACK
Listen, I thought about what you
guys said, and I want to help you.
                                                            
                       JOE
Why?
                                                            
                       JACK
Let's be honest here: you two
can't do this on your own, and I
need the money.
                                                            
                       JOE
Okay...we'll do it under one
condition.
                                                            
Joe and Sam look at eachother, then to Jack.
                                                            
                       SAM
NO MORE NARRATION.
                                                            
                       JACK
Sure thing, whatever you say.
                                                            
                       JOE
Ok then. You solve the case and
find out what's going on, and then
you get paid. It's a fair
proposition.
                                                            
                       JACK
Don't worry. Jack Rockwell Private
Eye is on board. We'll have this
whole thing settled in no time.
                                                            
 
INT. BFG MEETING ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Cut to the BFG Meeting room at night. Headmaster Stern is
addressing a group of BFG members. He paces back and forth.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER STERN
I've called you all here because
we have a problem. There are
nonbelievers among us. They are a
            (MORE)

57.

                       HEADMASTER STERN (cont'd)
threat, and as so, need to be
eliminated. You have all been
chosen to assist me on this
campaign. You have all been hand
chosen because you have previous
knowledge of the nonbelievers. You
were all once thier friends.
Friends mean nothing to you now.
You know who they are. You know
where they live. You will hunt
them down and destroy them. Now
go. Bring them back to me dead or
alive.
                                                            
The BFG members march out of a room like a hoard of
braindead slobs.
                                                            
INT. JOE'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Fade out from the BFG Meeting room to Joe's house. Sam and
Joe walk in the front door, with Jack following behind. They
walk into Joe's kitchen and find Jimmy cooking something on
the stove in a small pot.
                                                            
                       SAM
Oh great, he's cooking.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Don't worry Sam, it's just soup.
What could possibly happen?
                                                            
The soup explodes out of the pot and flies onto Jimmy's
face.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Anybody up for some face soup?
                                                            
Joe throws Jimmy a towel to clean up his face.
                                                            
                       JOE
Jimmy, two things: clean up your
face, and never ever use my stove
again. As a matter of fact, never
come within 10 feet of an open
flame.
                                                            
Jimmy wipes his face with the towel. Jack dips his finger in
the soup pot and tastes the soup.
                                                            
                       JACK
This soup is ice cold.
                                                            

58.

                       JIMMY
You know what else is cold? Snow.
                                                            
Jimmy turns to Joe and Sam.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Oh man, do you guys remember when
we were in the Snow Wars?
                                                            
Jimmy turns to Jack.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Rob shot a guy in the head!
                                                            
                       JACK
Oh man, really? That's awesome! I
have a gun. Here, check it out!
                                                            
Jack pulls out his pistol.
                                                            
                       JACK
It's fully loaded, too. A private
eye always needs a gun. Not only
because you never know when you're
going to need one, but also
because guns are really cool!
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Yeah, guns are cool. Oh man, have
you ever seen that movie, Cool
Runnings?
                                                            
                       JACK
Have I! Wasn't John Candy awesome?
It was quite possibly his best
movie.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Candy! Oh man, I love candy! You
don't have any, do you?
                                                            
                       JACK
Sorry man, I'm poor. I haven't had
work in a long time. Thinkin'
about goin' into politics now.
                                                            
Joe and Sam stand and watch Jack and Jimmy ramble on to
eachother.
                                                            
                       SAM
Aw, look. The idiots are bonding.
                                                            

59.

                       JOE
Sam, I don't think we should ever
let these two be alone together.
The consequences would be
devastating. I would never be able
to forgive myself for anything
that happens.
                                                            
                       SAM
You're right.
                                                            
Sam walks up in between Jimmy and Jack and pries them apart.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Hey, I know you.
                                                            
                       SAM
Yeah, that's great Jimmy. Look at
that mirror over there.
                                                            
Jimmy turns and looks in the mirror.
                                                            
                       SAM
Jack, listen. Aren't you supposed
to be solving our case?
                                                            
                       JACK
I will, I will! I'm on it, don't
worry. I just need to wait for my
partner to get back, and then
we'll be on this case like a ham
sandwich on a hobo.
                                                            
                       SAM
I think you-
                                                            
Joe puts his hand out and stops Sam from finishing his
sentence.
                                                            
                       JOE
Jack, you never told us you had a
partner.
                                                            
                       JACK
Of course I have a partner! Do you
think I would be able to solve
tough cases on my own? Or for that
matter, cases in general?
                                                            
                       JOE
This isn't going to cost more
money, is it?
                                                            

60.

                       JACK
Not at all! ...unless you think I
can get away with it.
                                                            
                       SAM
Not anymore you can't.
                                                            
                       JACK
Oh. Then in that case, Jack
Rockwell works for one fee, and
one fee only.
                                                            
                       JOE
When is your partner going to be
back?
                                                            
                       JACK
Oh, he's POW.
                                                            
                       SAM
...you mean MIA?
                                                            
                       JACK
No, POW.
                                                            
                       SAM
So, basically, what you're telling
me, is that your partner is a
prisoner of war out in some
Vietnamese Ghetto?
                                                            
                       JACK
What? No, what are you talking
about? He's in school out in
Pennsylvania.
                                                            
                       SAM
Then why did you say he was POW?
                                                            
                       JACK
POW? I never said that. You're
crazy.
                                                            
Sam becomes frustrated.
                                                            
                       SAM
Jack...my hatred for you is both
deep set, and true.
                                                            
                       JACK
Ha ha! Sam, you rhymed!
                                                            

61.

                       SAM
...I'm going to go look in the
mirror with Jimmy. Jack, I can't
stand you anymore.
                                                            
Jack puts his arm around Sam.
                                                            
                       JACK
Don't worry, Sam! That's what all
my clients say!
                                                            
 
INT. BFG MEETING ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Fade out on Jack, Sam, Joe and Jim, and fade into the BFG
Meeting room at night. Headmaster Stern is talking with Rob.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER STERN
I have a small band of followers
at your command. I have already
sent them out to gather
information, so they will be two
steps ahead of you.
                                                            
                       ROB
Very good, my liege.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER STERN
The other headmasters are counting
on you. Prime may aid you himself,
if he feels that it is necessary,
and if you succeed, Prime will
initiate you to our brotherhood
himself.
                                                            
                       ROB
I will not fail you, my master.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER STERN
Kill the nonbelievers. Bring thier
heads to me.
                                                            
                       ROB
They are as good as dead.
                                                            
Rob bows to Headmaster Stern and exits.
                                                            
INT. JOE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
Fade out on the BFG Meeting Room. Fade into Joe's house.
Jack's partner walks up the steps to his porch, goes to the
door, and rings the doorbell. He is holding a lot of

62.

luggage. Across the street, the BFG members that Headmaster
Stern sent out to kill Joe and Sam are hiding behind bushes,
spying on Joe's house. The are dressed in all black. One
covers his face with a black ninja mask. They fall back into
the shadows. Cut to Joe's kitchen. Jimmy is cooking again,
standing over a pot, stirring soup. Sam is sitting at the
kitchen table, and Jack is sitting across from him, holding
a hand of cards.
                                                            
                       JACK
Well Sam, I've got five of a kind.
You know what that means. Lost the
shirt.
                                                            
                       SAM
Jack, a couple of things: first of
all, we're not playing poker. I'm
playing solitare.
                                                            
Pan down to Sam's cards. He is in fact playing solitare.
                                                            
                       SAM
Second of all, I'm not stripping.
I don't have a hand to beat.
Furthermore, I would never play
strip poker with you, because what
possible reward would I obtain?
                                                            
                       JACK
Well played Jackson. Well played.
I fold...this round.
                                                            
                       SAM
Yeah, you do that.
                                                            
The doorbell rings.
                                                            
                       JOE
There's somebody at the door.
                                                            
                       JACK
That must be Pigfeed.
                                                            
                       SAM
Pigfeed?
                                                            
                       JOE
Don't ask.
                                                            
JOE'S FRONT PORCH
                                                            
They open the door. Jack's partner, Pigfeed, is standing
there holding his luggage.
                                                            

63.

                       PIGFEED
This had better be good, Jack. I
have finals this week.
                                                            
                       JACK
Oh, it's worth it Pigfeed. Imagine
if you will, the largest case
we've ever taken.
                                                            
                       JOE
You're Jack's partner I assume?
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
Yes. Nice to meet you.
                                                            
Joe and Pigfeed shake hands.
                                                            
                       JOE
I'm Joseph R. Casper, and this is
Samuel L. Jackson.
                                                            
                       SAM
The L stands for Lewis.
                                                            
Jimmy walks over with a bowl of soup in his hand. He slurps
it up with a spoon.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
That's his full name, honest to
God.
                                                            
                       JOE
This our friend, Jimmy. He's a
uh...um...special.
                                                            
                       SAM
He's...well, he's not really
anything, I guess. But together we
are the last five people left in
town.
                                                            
EXT. ACROSS THE STREET FROM JOE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
Cut to across the street. The BFG cronies creep across the
street while Joe, Sam, Jimmy, Jack and Pigfeed talk in the
doorway.
                                                            
JOE'S FRONT PORCH
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
Jack, I leave you for two months
and the entire town goes missing.
                                                            

64.

                       SAM
Believe it or not, it wasn't his
fault.
                                                            
                       JOE
You look a little tired. Come
inside, we'll discuss our case
over dinner.
                                                            
JOE'S KITCHEN
                                                            
They walk inside to Joe's kitchen.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
I cooked! Save all compliments for
after the meal, please.
                                                            
                       SAM
Yep. Jimmy cooked. He's
made...well, I dunno what he's
made, but it's a liquid, so grab a
spoon.
                                                            
JOE'S HOUSE EXTERIOR
                                                            
As soon as the coast is clear, the BFG cronies creep out of
the shadows and make their way around Joe's house.
                                                            
JOE'S KITCHEN
                                                            
Inside, Joe, Sam and Pigfeed sit down at the kitchen table.
Jimmy serves them three bowls of his soup.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
I hope you guys like it. It did
take a while to cook.
                                                            
Jimmy then sits down at a smaller kiddie table with Jack.
Joe takes a taste of the soup, and nods his head in
approval.
                                                            
                       JOE
It's pretty good Jimmy. Good job.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
He doesn't cook often?
                                                            
                       SAM
We don't often trust Jimmy around
open flames.
                                                            

65.

                       JOE
What's the matter, Sam? You're not
going to eat it?
                                                            
                       SAM
You know Joe, on second thought, I
really don't trust this. I'm not
one-hundred percent sure that all
these ingredients are non-toxic.
                                                            
JOE'S HOUSE EXTERIOR
                                                            
Cut to outside. The BFG members look through the window into
the scene inside. One member signals to the others, and they
run offscreen.
                                                            
JOE'S KITCHEN
                                                            
Cut back into Joe's kitchen where Joe, Sam, Jimmy, Jack, and
Pigfeed are still conversing. Jimmy is slurping his soup.
                                                            
                       JACK
Pigfeed, we need to get on this
case as soon as possible. The
sooner we solve this case, the
sooner I can go into politics.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
Jack, I don't think anyone in
their right mind would ever vote
for you.
                                                            
                       JACK
With an attitude like that, you're
never going to be my running mate
Pigfeed.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
He's got my vote!
                                                            
                       SAM
If that isn't a clear example of
your justification Pigfeed, I
don't know what is.
                                                            
                       JOE
So why does Jack call you Pigfeed?
Is it a nickname of some sort? I'm
sure it isn't your real name, but
it's all that Jack has been
calling you since he mentioned he
had a partner.
                                                            

66.

                       PIGFEED
Oh of course it's not my real
name. My parents don't hate me
that much.
                                                            
                       JACK
You don't actually expect me to
pronounce your real name, do you?
I mean, it's harder to pronounce
than...well, it's just really hard
to pronounce.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
Rick? Rick is too hard to
pronounce? Rick Stevens. Jack,
you're not that stupid.
                                                            
                       JACK
It's all clicks and whistles to
me.
                                                            
                       SAM
Then where did Pigfeed come from?
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
I'm a college boy. Where do you
think it came from?
                                                            
JOE'S HOUSE EXTERIOR
                                                            
Cut to outside. The BFG cronies tiptoe up Joe's back porch.
One tries to open the back door, but it is locked. He
signals to the others, and they creep into the shadows.
                                                            
JOE'S KITCHEN
                                                            
Cut back to inside Joe's kitchen. The real meat of the
conversation now begins.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
So what about this case of ours?
All I know so far is that you two
are our clients, the entire town
has gone missing, and you've hired
us to find all of the missing
people?
                                                            
                       JOE
Actually, we just need you two to
help us find our friend.
                                                            

67.

                       SAM
We could care less about the rest
of the town.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
And what about Jimmy?
                                                            
                       JOE
Jimmy's girlfriend has fallen in
with the rest of the town, and he
insists on helping us get her
back.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
But what exactly happened? I was
home for spring break a month ago.
Everything was fine, and now
everything has gone to shit? How
can an entire town go missing?
                                                            
                       JOE
They're called the BFG. They came
into town a couple of weeks ago
and quickly infested everybody's
minds with promises of lies and
false idols.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
The BFG. They're a group of some
sort?
                                                            
                       SAM
Yes. They say they're an exclusive
club, but we know that they're
really a cult up to no good. They
brainwashed everybody. We're the
only ones left!
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
Well, if the entire town fell to
this cult, then why didn't you
guys?
                                                            
                       JOE
Like all the other youths in
America, Sam and I can only by
suade by greedy corporations and
flashy advertising.
                                                            
                       SAM
And Jimmy simply isn't too bright.
The BFG tried, but he's literally
too stupid to be brainwashed. But
            (MORE)

68.

                       SAM (cont'd)
it also goes without saying: you
need a brain to be brianwashed.
                                                            
                       JOE
And Jack...
                                                            
Joe, Sam and Pigfeed look over to Jack, who is blowing
bubbles in his soup.
                                                            
                       JOE
Well, Jack isn't exactly playing
with a full deck either.
                                                            
                       SAM
The only reason we hired him was
because he was the only person
left in town.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
Don't worry. You'll find that when
Jack is on the case, he's a
genius. We'll find your missing
friend.
                                                            
                       JOE
Our friend Rob joined the BFG some
time ago, then went missing. The
BFG Headmasters said to make
nothing of it, so we think they're
up to no good.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
Don't worry. We handle this kind
of thing all the time. Missing
people are our specialty.
                                                            
                       JOE
Track down the BFG. If you find
them, you'll find Rob.
                                                            
Pigfeed gets up. Joe and Sam follow.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
C'mon Jack. We've got a job to do.
                                                            
                       JACK
Well, thanks for the soup. It was
excellent. We'll have this whole
thing settled in no time.
                                                            
                       SAM
And yet, for some reason, I have
an uneasy feeling about all this.
                                                            

69.

                       PIGFEED
We'll be back as soon as possible.
You don't mind if I leave my stuff
here, do you?
                                                            
                       JOE
Not at all. Just find our friend.
We were supposed to have this Halo
party, and now everything's gone
to hell.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
Don't worry. We'll have your case
settled in no time.
                                                            
Jack and Pigfeed leave. They walk out the front door and
down Joe's walkway. Joe and Sam walk back inside. They walk
back into the kitchen, where one of the BFG cronies is
holding Jimmy by the neck with a gun to his head.
                                                            
                       SAM
...hey Joe, did you always have a
ninja in your kitchen?
                                                            
                       JOE
...not to my knowledge.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Guys, I think this guy means
business. His gun is loaded and
he's threatening to kill me.
                                                            
                       SAM
Why is the ninja holding a gun?
                                                            
                       JOE
You know, I don't know. I didn't
think ninjas usually used guns.
                                                            
                       SAM
Don't they use like, swords and
parrots and stuff?
                                                            
                       JOE
No dude, you're thinking of
pirates.
                                                            
                       SAM
Oh yeah, that's right. But wait,
if this guy's a ninja, why does he
have a patch over his eye?
                                                            

70.

                       JOE
Maybe he's a mixture of both.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
You know guys, for a gun toting
ninja threatening to end my life,
you're taking this way too well.
                                                            
                       JOE
Well, to be honest Jimmy, we've
seen a lot of weird stuff in the
past. Gun toting ninja...not too
high on the weird scale.
                                                            
                       SAM
Yes, but very high on the
dangerous scale.
                                                            
The ninja holds up a piece of paper and offers it to Joe and
Sam.
                                                            
                       JOE
I think he wants us to take the
piece of paper. Take it.
                                                            
Sam grabs the piece of paper from the ninja. The ninja lets
Jimmy go, pushes him to Joe and Sam, looks around, and
throws a smoke bomb down. It fails to go off. There is a
short, awkward beat. Ninja-pirate points out the window.
                                                            
                       NINJA-PIRATE
Bird!
                                                            
Joe, Sam and Jimmy look where ninja-pirate pointed. As
they're looking, the ninja-pirate gets away.
                                                            
                       SAM
That ninja's a damn liar! There's
no bird there at all!
                                                            
                       JIMMY
I think I can see it! If you guys
squint real hard, you can see it!
It's like one of those 3-D
puzzles! You know, magic eye!
                                                            
Joe looks up where the ninja used to be.
                                                            
                       JOE
Hey...he got away!
                                                            

71.

                       JIMMY
But how? We were standing right
here!
                                                            
                       JOE
Shut up Jimmy. Sam, what does that
paper say?
                                                            
Sam opens the paper and looks it over.
                                                            
                       SAM
It's a ransom note...from the BFG.
                                                            
 
EXT. BFG HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
                                                            
Fade out on Joe, Sam, and Jimmy. Fade in to the BFG
Headquarters building. Jack and Pigfeed sneak up at a safe
distance. Jack kneels down and takes the backpack off his
back. He searches through it and pulls out a pair of
binoculars. He holds them up to his face and looks through.
                                                            
                       JACK
That's the BFG HQ alright. You can
see inside. Everybody's in there.
                                                            
Jack hands the binoculars over to Pigfeed. Pigfeed holds
them up to his face, squints his eyes, and looks through.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
How can they fit the entire town
in there? If what you say is true,
and the BFG does have the entire
town under their influence, then
this one building certainly isn't
capable of holding that many
people.
                                                            
                       JACK
They're not in the building,
they're under it.
                                                            
Pigfeed lowers the binoculars.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
Hmmm....that would explain how so
many people can fit inside...
                                                            
                       JACK
Underground tunnels. The only
place they have to go is
down...unless they have an
invisible tower.
                                                            

72.

                       PIGFEED
Jack, I seriously doubt that.
                                                            
                       JACK
Naysayer.
                                                            
Jack looks into the binoculars then points ahead.
                                                            
                       JACK
Look, somebody's coming out.
                                                            
Pigfeed lifts the binoculars to his face and looks through.
The doors of the compound open, and Headmaster Stern, Jiro,
and Blaine exit. Pigfeed passes the binoculars over to Jack.
He looks through. Rob is walking out with the Headmasters.
                                                            
                       JACK
There's our payday.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
That's him?
                                                            
                       JACK
That's him alright. The
Headmasters are taking him
somewhere.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
Let's follow.
                                                            
Jack shoves the binoculars into the backpack and gets up.
Him and Pigfeed walk off.
                                                            
INT. JOE'S KITCHEN - NIGHT
                                                            
Cut back to Joe's kitchen. Joe, Sam and Jimmy are trying to
figure out what to do with the ransom note.
                                                            
                       SAM
Who has a ninja deliver a letter?
                                                            
                       JOE
It's not just a letter, it's a
ransom note. I think that makes it
a little more important.
                                                            
                       SAM
Seriously though: a ninja! I bet
he feels his abilities are being
widely misused.
                                                            

73.

                       JIMMY
Sam, it was a ninja-pirate.
Remember the eye patch?
                                                            
                       JOE
It wasn't a ninja, and it wasn't a
pirate. It was just another cronie
sent out by the BFG and trained to
kill. All he lacked was the
ability to choose the right style.
                                                            
                       SAM
So what are we going to do about
this ransom? It might be the only
way to get Rob back.
                                                            
                       JOE
Well, they basically said that
they're going to kill him if we
don't join the BFG. The question
is, do we join so they don't kill
Rob, or do we call their bluff?
                                                            
                       JIMMY
I say we pay the money.
                                                            
                       JOE
Shut up, Jimmy.
                                                            
                       SAM
We should atleast meet with them
to see if they're bluffing or not.
                                                            
                       JOE
And if they're not?
                                                            
                       SAM
Then we go wth Plan B.
                                                            
EXT. FOREST - NIGHT
                                                            
Cut to the inside of a darkened forest at night. Jack and
Pigfeed quickly run past bushes and trees. Jack stops for a
second and holds his hand out in front of Pigfeed to get him
to stop as well.
                                                            
                       JACK
Whoa, wait a second...there's a
light up ahead.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
That must be where they went.
                                                            

74.

The continue running, but only a short distance, they stop
and hide behind nearby trees.
                                                            
                       JACK
Get your gun out, just in case.
                                                            
Ahead of them is a small clearing in the trees. In the
clearing, there is a circle of stones with a campire in the
center. The Headmasters, wearing long hooded robes, sit
around the fire. Rob is still with them. He is wearing a
long hooded robe as well, just like the other three
Headmasters.
                                                            
                       JACK
That's our boy. Get the camera
out. I want to document this.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
They don't even know we're here.
                                                            
Pigfeed takes out a small camera and starts taking pictures.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
They're doing something...
                                                            
Inside the circle, the Headmasters stand up, while Rob
remains sitting.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
My brothers...we have traveled
here to initiate a new member into
our brotherhood. Rise, young one.
                                                            
Rob stands up.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
You will now become one of us. You
will know our true secrets, and
learn all there is to know about
the BFG.
                                                            
Jack is still hiding behind the tree, writing down
everything.
                                                            
                       JACK
Oh man, this is good stuff...
                                                            
Back in the circle, Headmaster Blaine changes the
conversation.
                                                            

75.

                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Before we initiate our newest
Headmaster, how is the hunt for
the nonbelievers going?
                                                            
Pigfeed turns to Jack, still maintaining his voice to a
whisper.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
Newest Headmaster?
                                                            
In the circle, Headmaster Stern stands up.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER STERN
Very good. They are being lured
into our hands as we speak. They
cannot escape our influence
forever. They will soon be ours.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Very good.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER STERN
Prime is going to personally see
to it that they become part of our
brotherhood. He was right from the
beginning. They've always been a
threat.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Excellent. Very good. Very good...
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER STERN
I promised I would not fail you,
my master. I have succeeded.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
You haven't succeeded yet, Stern.
The nonbelievers are still out
there.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER STERN
Thier capture is an inevitability.
It will be done.
                                                            
Headmaster Jiro gives Headmaster Stern a hateful look.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Let us not quarrel over the
blemish upon our society any
longer. This is supposed to be a
joyous occasion. Our next
Headmaster awaits his title.
                                                            

76.

Headmaster Blaine walks over to Rob and puts his hand on his
shoulder.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Are you ready, my son?
                                                            
                       ROB
I am, my liege.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Up until now, we were distant. Now
we will be true brothers.
                                                            
Back in the forest, Pigfeed continues snapping pictures. He
stops and turns to Jack.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
You know, something just hit me.
If all the Headmasters are here,
then who's back at the
headquarters? Write that down.
                                                            
Jack scribbles on his notepad.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
Do you think we've overstayed our
welcome?
                                                            
                       JACK
A little. Let's just stay a little
while longer. I want to hear more
about what they have to say about
the BFG.
                                                            
Back in the circle, Headmaster Blaine walks back to his
seat. He raises his hands, then lowers them, signaling the
others to sit down. Headmaster Blaine remains standing.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
From this point on, you will be
known as Headmaster Janus.
                                                            
                       ROB
Thank you, my masters.
                                                            
Rob gets up and bows to the three Headmasters.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Now for the final phase of your
induction. You will now see our
true faces.
                                                            

77.

                       HEADMASTER JIRO
We are not who you think we are to
be.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER STERN
Forever we have hidden among you.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
You have shown such dedication and
strength, we can trust you with
our deepest secrets. You are one
of us.
                                                            
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Now, Headmaster Janus, you will
see who we truly are.
                                                            
Headmaster Blaine slowly removes his hood. The shot is from
behind, and pans in to Rob's face. His eyes open. In the
forest, Jack drops his notepad, and Pigfeed lowers his
camera. They both look in awe with thier jaws dropped.
                                                            
                       JACK
Get the fuck out of here.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
I don't believe what I'm seeing.
                                                            
                       JACK
Get the camera! Get the camera! We
need to document this.
                                                            
Pigfeed raises the camera and begins furiously snapping
pictures.
                                                            
                       JACK
Those kids do not know what
they're in for.
                                                            
 
INT. JOE'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Cut immediately from the forest to Joe's kitchen. Jack
throws the pictures they took onto the table.
                                                            
                       JACK
Case closed.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
We got everything. Thier
background, thier plans, and thier
real objective.
                                                            

78.

Sam picks up the pictures and begins looking through them.
Joe and Jimmy look as well.
                                                            
                       JOE
Did you find Rob?
                                                            
                       JACK
We found him, too.
                                                            
                       SAM
These pictures can't be real. You
faked these.
                                                            
                       JACK
Oh, they're the real deal.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
They call themselves The
Brotherhood Of The Fourth Genesis.
They came to town a month ago, and
have been setting up thier
operation this whole time.
                                                            
                       JACK
But here's the clincher: the
Headmasters are not people.
They're aliens.
                                                            
Joe looks up at Jack.
                                                            
                       JOE
Wait, what did you say?
                                                            
                       JACK
Aliens. Beings from another
planet. Creatures from beyond the
moon. E.T., Mork, The Men In
Black, Chewbacca...I can keep
going on like this.
                                                            
                       JOE
First of all, the Men In Black
were human beings. Second of all,
they were from Earth. Third of
all, I don't believe any of this.
                                                            
                       JACK
Believe it, buddy. We saw them
with our own two eyes.
                                                            

79.

                       PIGFEED
It was like something out of a
movie. They took thier faces off
right in front of us.
                                                            
                       JACK
And those pictures prove it.
                                                            
                       SAM
If they're aliens, why are they
brainwashing everybody in town?
                                                            
                       JIMMY
It's like that movie, Invasion Of
The Body Snatchers.
                                                            
                       JOE
Well what do they want our minds
for? Are they looking for
something in us? Are they trying
to create an army of somekind
using human beings?
                                                            
                       JACK
Sit down, we can explain
everything.
                                                            
Joe, Sam and Jimmy all take seats at the kitchen table. Jack
and Pigfeed stand before them. Jimmy takes the pictures and
looks at them. They are indeed of alien beings.
                                                            
                       JACK
We followed them from their
Headquarters. They took your
friend out into the woods and had
a small initiation ceremony with
him.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
Your friend Rob is a Headmaster
with them now. They called him
Headmaster Janus.
                                                            
                       JACK
And believe it or not, they've
been around since the thirties.
                                                            
                       SAM
They've been here since the
1930's?
                                                            

80.

                       JACK
Yes. From what we gathered,
Headmasters Blaine, Jiro, and
Stern crashed in Europe just
before World War II.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
They stayed there and tried to get
out, but thier space vehicle was
beyond human repair. They didn't
have the technology back then.
                                                            
                       SAM
Wait a minute, how do you know all
this?
                                                            
                       JACK
When they initiated your friend,
they told him everything about the
BFG, and everything about
themselves.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
Back then, they tried to fit in
with human society, but with the
impending war, they couldn't
survive, so they had to adapt.
                                                            
                       JACK
During the war, as Hitler swept
Europe, they did what they could
to fit in without getting killed;
they became Nazis.
                                                            
                       SAM
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute
here: are you saying that they're
Nazi...aliens?
                                                            
Jack and Pigfeed look between one another. At the same time,
they both give a chirpy "yep" to Sam and nod thier heads.
                                                            
                       SAM
No...no, no, no. That's just too
outlandish to be true. It's too
crazy to be true.
                                                            
                       JOE
I thought Nazis were extinct.
Like, you know...those guys that
used to live in the arctic...
                                                            

81.

                       SAM
Eskimos?
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah, eskimos.
                                                            
                       JACK
We wish we were lying, but it
seems that we're telling the
truth.
                                                            
                       JOE
But why our town? Why didn't they
just stay in Europe?
                                                            
                       JACK
They only came here recently, and
when they did, they began the
Fourth Genesis.
                                                            
                       SAM
What does that even mean? See, you
have to explain things when you
say them. I mean, Nazi-aliens are
pretty much self explanitory.
They're aliens and they don't like
the jews. That's comprehendable.
But the Fourth Genesis? C'mon, we
don't have the cult dictionary
here. That is a new term to me.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
Think about it: they absorbed Nazi
culture when they first landed
here. That was the Third Reich.
When they came to America, they
brought the Nazi beliefs with
them. But, since time has changed,
they added thier own rules and
guidelines. Thus, the Fourth
Genesis is born.
                                                            
                       JACK
They call themselves the
Brotherhood because all members
are equal.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
So, Rob is a leading member of a
group run by...Nazi-aliens?
                                                            
                       JACK
Yep. That pretty much sums it up.
                                                            

82.

                       JOE
And why are they brainwashing
people?
                                                            
                       JACK
Ah, here's the real meat of thier
scheme. This is where it starts to
get a little unbelievable.
                                                            
                       SAM
Too late.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
They need the thoughts of human
beings. After they turn a person
into a mindless slave, they can
take thier thoughts and memories
and fabricate them.
                                                            
                       JACK
And they're using these fabricated
human thoughts as fuel to get back
home.
                                                            
                       SAM
Obviously. I mean, what else would
they use? Gas prices are
astronomical these days.
                                                            
                       JACK
I don't think they use petrol to
power thier craft.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
Exactly. Unfortunately, they need
most of the town to make the trip
back.
                                                            
                       SAM
See, what seems really
unbelievable to me, is that you
guys pretty much summed up the
entire history of Nazi-aliens in a
couple of sentences.
                                                            
                       JOE
Yes...that was rather quick.
                                                            
                       JACK
We just deliver it as we hear it.
                                                            

83.

                       PIGFEED
So all the thoughts and memories
of everybody in your town are
going to be wiped out so these
guys can hitch a ride home.
                                                            
                       JOE
Is it too late?
                                                            
                       JACK
It may be. That we didn't find
out. All they said was that
they're close to thier quota.
                                                            
                       SAM
As unbelievable as your story is,
we've got something equally as
unbelievable. Last night, after
you guys left, a ninja-
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Ninja-pirate.
                                                            
                       SAM
...a ninja-pirate delievered a
ransom note to us saying that the
BFG Headmasters are going to kill
Rob unless we join them.
                                                            
                       JOE
They want us to meet them at the
arboretum at sunset today. If we
don't show, he dies.
                                                            
                       JACK
That can't be true.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
He's too valuable to them.
                                                            
                       SAM
Since when is anything too
valuable to a Nazi?
                                                            
                       JACK
It's gotta be a trap.
                                                            
                       JOE
Nonetheless, we need to stop them.
We've decided that we're going to
go meet them and finish this once
and for all.
                                                            

84.

Sam and Jimmy slowly turn and look at Joe.
                                                            
                       JOE
...what?
                                                            
                       SAM
Joe, that was last night when we
were dealing with the
ninja-pirates. I think Nazi-aliens
cross the line a bit.
                                                            
                       JOE
Well we need to do something about
them.
                                                            
                       JACK
Whoa, whoa, what do you mean we?
Me and Pigfeed are outta here.
                                                            
                       JOE
What do you mean? Jack, you've got
to stay and help us.
                                                            
                       JACK
No can do, buddy. The deal was for
me and Pigfeed to find your
missing friend, and we did. Now
our job is done.
                                                            
                       JOE
We can't do this on our own, Jack.
                                                            
                       JACK
Sorry, Joe. There's really nothing
more we can do. I don't want to
risk my neck more than I already
have.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
I wish we could help, but...Jack's
the one that calls the shots here,
and I need to get back to school.
Personally...what happens in this
town doesn't really affect me.
                                                            
                       JACK
Just send our check in the mail.
That's the last thing we need from
you guys.
                                                            

85.

                       JOE
Fine, run away. But we have balls.
Big balls. And we're going after
these Nazis.
                                                            
JOE'S BASEMENT
                                                            
Cut to Joe's basement. Sam is loading a suitcase. He unzips
it and throws his clothes in.
                                                            
                       JOE
...what the hell are you doing?
                                                            
                       SAM
Well, it's been fun, Joe. I
suggest we skip town. Let's just
get the hell out of here, and wait
for this whole thing to blow over.
                                                            
                       JOE
Sam, Nazis don't just 'blow over'.
You know how they are. They need
to be taught a lesson.
                                                            
                       SAM
You're right. I do know how Nazis
are, and they do need to be taught
a lesson. But just what do you
propose we do about them,
professor?
                                                            
                       JOE
Well, we need a plan.
                                                            
A large thump is heard in the background. Joe and Sam turn
to where the noise came from.
                                                            
                       SAM
What the hell was that?
                                                            
                       JOE
It sounded like a loud thump.
                                                            
                       SAM
Yes, I know what the sound was.
But what what made the sound?
                                                            
                       JOE
OH! I dunno. But, it didn't sound
friendly whatever it was. Let's go
check it out.
                                                            
Joe and Sam walk up the basement stairs.
                                                            

86.

JOE'S KITCHEN
                                                            
Joe slowly opens the door to his kitchen. He sticks his head
out the door and peaks through.
                                                            
                       JOE
Hello?
                                                            
Joe and Sam slowly walk into the kitchen.
                                                            
                       JOE
Jimmy, was that you?
                                                            
                       SAM
Ninja-pirate, did you come back?
                                                            
Joe slowly tiptoes around his kitchen. He looks right, then
looks left. He turns a corner into another room, and Newkid
pops out from below him and screams. Then Joe screams. Then
Sam screams. Then Jimmy comes out of nowhere and screams.
                                                            
                       NEWKID
Augh!
                                                            
                       SAM
Don't sneak up on people like
that!
                                                            
                       JOE
What the hell are you doing here?
How the hell did you even get into
my house?
                                                            
                       NEWKID
All the doors were locked, so I
had to break in through one of the
windows!
                                                            
                       JOE
Why the hell are you here?
                                                            
                       NEWKID
I escaped! I escaped again! I got
away from them! I got away from
them for good this time!
                                                            
                       SAM
Yeah, we know. You have a knack
for that...wait a minute, I
thought you were reborn.
                                                            
                       NEWKID
That was for the last time.
                                                            

87.

                       SAM
Good, I'm glad you think so. We
were just packing. We're going to
skip town. You can come with us if
you promise not to be a freak.
                                                            
                       JOE
Sam, first of all, that's
something that he can never
promise. Second of all, we are not
skipping town. We're going to save
our friend.
                                                            
Joe turns to Newkid.
                                                            
                       JOE
We got a ransom note from the BFG
saying that if we don't join them,
they're going to kill our best
friend.
                                                            
                       NEWKID
Those bastards!
                                                            
                       JOE
Exactly. We're going to meet them
and rescue him ourselves. We need
all the help we can get. You can
come along if you wish.
                                                            
                       NEWKID
I will risk getting caught again,
but if it means taking down some
of those slimy sons'a
bitches...then I'm in!
                                                            
                       JOE
Awesome! We're in business.
                                                            
Jimmy walks into the kitchen with his luggage.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Okay guys, I'm ready to go.
                                                            
                       SAM
Unpack your stuff Jimmy, we're not
skipping town. Joe decided that we
all have to commit suicide.
                                                            
                       JOE
We're not going to get killed.
We'll be fine. Trust me.
                                                            
 

88.

EXT. ARBORETUM - DAY
                                                            
Fade out on Joe, Sam, Jimmy and Newkid. Fade into the
arboretum at sunset. It is very quiet. There is nobody to be
seen. Joe, Sam, Jimmy and Newkid walk down a path in a
wooded area. Newkid is wearing a backpack.
                                                            
                       SAM
We need a back up plan. This isn't
going to work. They're going to
capture us and force us to join
them.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Stop worrying, Sam. If things get
violent, I'll open a can of
whoop-ass on those mindless
freaks.
                                                            
                       SAM
Jimmy, you couldn't open up a can
of beans.
                                                            
ARBORETUM CLEARING
                                                            
Cut to a clearing in the arboretum with a large tree. A
small band of BFG members have gathered in a section of open
woods. A BFG member walks up to Rob, who is tied to a tree.
                                                            
                       BFG HOODLUM
Now remember, don't escape. That
will only encourage them.
                                                            
                       ROB
I have my orders from Headmaster
Stern. I will do what I must.
                                                            
ARBORETUM FOREST
                                                            
Joe, Sam, Jimmy and Newkid continue to make thier way
through the wooded area. Joe stops for a second.
                                                            
                       JOE
Wait a second...there's somebody
up ahead.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Who?
                                                            
                       JOE
I don't know.
                                                            

89.

                       NEWKID
They're very close...I can smell
them.
                                                            
ARBORETUM CLEARING
                                                            
Up ahead, the BFG member who was talking to Rob turns his
head.
                                                            
                       BFG HOODLUM
They're coming...okay everybody,
hide.
                                                            
The BFG members hide behind bushes and trees. The BFG
hoodlum gives ROB one last direction.
                                                            
                       BFG HOODLUM
We'll handle them after they're
captured. Stern may want them
dead, but Prime wants them alive.
Remember that.
                                                            
The BFG hoodlum runs and hides behind a bush.
                                                            
ARBORETUM FOREST
                                                            
Joe, Sam, Jimmy and Newkid come to a break in the forest and
stop.
                                                            
                       SAM
There's Rob.
                                                            
                       JOE
Let's go.
                                                            
ARBORETUM CLEARING
                                                            
Joe, Sam and Newkid run out into the clearing to Rob, who is
still tied to the tree.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
Why would they tie him to a tree?
                                                            
Jimmy then runs out into the clearing as well. Joe, Sam, and
Newkid run up to Rob.
                                                            
                       JOE
We've been looking all over for
you!
                                                            

90.

                       ROB
They're watching us. Don't try to
get me out of here. Save
yourselves!
                                                            
                       JOE
Bullshit. We're getting you out of
here. Newkid, the knife.
                                                            
Newkid goes into his backpack and pulls out a large knife.
He hands it to Joe. Joe begins to cut the ropes.
                                                            
                       SAM
Why did we even trust him with a
knife?
                                                            
Jimmy catches up and runs to them.
                                                            
                       ROB
You shouldn't have come!
                                                            
                       BFG HOODLUM
Oh, but I think they should have.
                                                            
The BFG hoodlum walks out from behind the bush.
                                                            
                       BFG HOODLUM
Nice try, but he is ours, as you
soon will be as well.
                                                            
From behind the BFG hoodlum, all the other members come out
from behind bushes and trees. Six in all, including the
hoodlum.
                                                            
                       BFG HOODLUM
As you can see, you are quite
outnumbered.
                                                            
                       SAM
Joe, I think we should get out of
here.
                                                            
                       NEWKID
No! I want my revenge!
                                                            
Joe cuts the ropes, and Rob is freed.
                                                            
                       JOE
There, now let's get the hell out
of here!
                                                            

91.

                       BFG HOODLUM
I don't think so. We have direct
orders from the Headmasters to
take you in alive.
                                                            
The BFG members begin to circle Joe, Sam, Jimmy, Rob, and
Newkid.
                                                            
                       BFG HOODLUM
You can come peacefully, and
nobody will get hurt.
                                                            
                       ROB
I suggest we listen to them, guys.
Let's just give ourselves in.
                                                            
                       JOE
Give ourselves in? Are you crazy?
We've come so far! C'mon, we're
doing a good rescue job.
                                                            
The BFG members close in on Joe, Sam, Rob, Jimmy and Newkid.
They all raise different weapons. One is holding a large bo
staff, two are holding baseball bats, two are holding
knives, and the hoodlum is unarmed.
                                                            
                       JOE
Well, I mean...we were until these
guys showed up.
                                                            
                       SAM
Got any plans?
                                                            
                       JOE
...piss our pants and run away?
                                                            
                       SAM
Sounds good to me.
                                                            
                       BFG HOODLUM
Now! Take them now!
                                                            
The member with the bo staff runs to Joe and Sam, but before
he can attack, Jimmy runs in front of him and punches him in
the face. The member falls to the ground. Jimmy picks up the
bo staff and twirls it around his body. The other BFG
members stop and slowly back away. They look at eachother as
if asking themselves if it is safe to approach.
                                                            
                       JOE
Whoa!
                                                            

92.

                       SAM
Where the hell did that come from?
                                                            
                       JIMMY
I was a five year martial arts
student; 3rd level brown belt.
                                                            
                       BFG HOODLUM
Well? What are you waiting for?
Attack! Bring them down!
                                                            
The two BFG members with the baseball bats go to attack
Jimmy. He fends them off using his bo staff. They try to
knock him out, but he blocks each hit.
                                                            
                       BFG HOODLUM
You two! Bring Janus to me!
                                                            
The two BFG members with the knives run to Rob and throw a
rope around him. They pull the rope up and he falls to the
ground. Newkid runs up to the hoodlum and roundhouses him.
The hoodlum falls to the ground.
                                                            
                       BFG HOODLUM
Me taken down? This wasn't part of
our plan!
                                                            
The two members with the knives begin to drag Rob off. Joe
points to them.
                                                            
                       JOE
They're trying to get away!
                                                            
The two members with the knives drag Rob behind a tree.
                                                            
                       ROB
I'll be fine here. Kill the
nonbelievers.
                                                            
Rob undoes the ropes and runs away. The two members with the
knives run back to Joe, Sam and Jimmy. Jimmy has the two
members with the baseball bats locked together. He's holding
his bo staff up, and the two members have thier baseball
bats locked parallel with his staff. One of the members with
the knives runs up to him and jabs him in the arm. He
screams and drops the staff. The members with the baseball
bats hit him at the same time. One hits him in the stomach,
knocking the wind out of him, and the other knocks him in
the head. Jimmy falls to the ground and blacks out.
                                                            
                       SAM
Jimmy!
                                                            

93.

The two members with the baseball bats and the one member
with the knife encircle Joe and Sam.
                                                            
                       BFG HOODLUM
It's over. You are unarmed. Give
yourselves to us. We promise it
will be painless.
                                                            
                       SAM
Maybe we should have run away when
we had the chance.
                                                            
                       JOE
Well, I already pissed my pants,
so I'm halfway there.
                                                            
The member with the knife pushes Newkid into the circle.
                                                            
                       JOE
Newkid! C'mon! What happened to
your revenge? You're so close!
                                                            
                       BFG HOODLUM
It's too late for him.
                                                            
                       JOE
It's not over yet!
                                                            
                       NEWKID
My friends...I'm afraid it is.
                                                            
The member with the baseball bat hands the bat to Newkid. He
raises it and hits Joe and Sam in the back of the head with
one swipe. Everything goes black.
                                                            
 
INT. DARKENED ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Fade in to a darkened room. Joe, Sam, Jimmy and Newkid are
tied up to chairs back to back. There is an awkward pause as
soon as the scene sets in.
                                                            
                       SAM
I blame Jimmy.
                                                            
                       JOE
I blame Jimmy, too.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
But I almost saved us!
                                                            

94.

                       SAM
Yeah, almost doesn't save our
asses, Jimmy.
                                                            
                       JOE
The last thing that I remember was
that Jimmy was knocked out on the
ground, and then everything went
black.
                                                            
                       SAM
Same here.
                                                            
                       JOE
Newkid, what happened when after
we blacked out?
                                                            
                       NEWKID
I was so close...I was so close to
my revenge...I almost had it. They
took me down before I could fight
back. The next thing I knew, I was
here.
                                                            
                       SAM
We need a plan to get out of here.
                                                            
                       JOE
Anybody have a match?
                                                            
                       SAM
Joe, did you not see Indiana Jones
3? They almost burned to death
like this, and I don't all four of
us combined have have the
inginuity to get out of a burning
room tied to chairs, or tied to
chairs at all.
                                                            
A door opens and two BFG members enter. They walk over to
Newkid and grab ahold of his chair. They begin to drag him
out.
                                                            
                       NEWKID
No, no! You can't take me! Not
again! I can't take it anymore!
Not again! Not again!
                                                            
They drag Newkid out the door screaming.
                                                            
                       SAM
...and then there were three.
                                                            

95.

                       JOE
Oh man, we're probably next.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
This sucks.
                                                            
                       SAM
Well, if we had skipped town like
I wanted, then we wouldn't be in
this mess!
                                                            
                       JOE
We don't even know where we are.
How are we going to get out of
here? We could be miles from home!
                                                            
                       SAM
Well, let's think: Joe, we've seen
enough movies, how would somebody
get out of a mess like this?
                                                            
                       JOE
Well, there's no guard. That's a
plus.
                                                            
                       SAM
And the walls aren't coming
together to squish us. That's
cool.
                                                            
                       JOE
Well, these are all good things,
but they aren't going to help us
get out of here. Does anybody have
a cell phone?
                                                            
                       JIMMY
I have one, but I'm not making a
call now.
                                                            
                       JOE
Why not?
                                                            
                       JIMMY
During peak hours?! Are you mad?!
                                                            
                       SAM
Jimmy, if we get out of here
alive, I will destroy you and your
family if you don't call for help.
                                                            

96.

                       JIMMY
Get out of here alive? You two are
going to be brainwashed! I'm too
stupid, remember? They can't
brainwash me!
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah, they'll probably just kill
you.
                                                            
                       SAM
HA HA! You're gonna' die!
                                                            
A window is broken in the background.
                                                            
                       JOE
What was that?
                                                            
                       SAM
It sounded like glass breaking.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
IT'S THEM! THEY'RE COMING! THEY'RE
COMING TO KILL ME! JOE! JOE! DON'T
LET THEM KILL ME! DON'T LET THEM
CUT ME UP!
                                                            
Jack runs up to Jimmy and puts his hand over his mouth.
                                                            
                       JACK
Are you mad, you idiot? You'll get
us all killed!
                                                            
                       JOE
Jack! You came back!
                                                            
Jack walks over to Joe and begins to untie him.
                                                            
                       JACK
I couldn't just sit here and let
you two get yourselves killed.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
What about me? I would've gotten
killed, too.
                                                            
                       JACK
I was talking about Sam. Pigfeed,
untie Jimmy.
                                                            
Pigfeed runs over and begins to untie Jimmy's chair. Jack
finishes and Joe gets up.
                                                            

97.

                       SAM
Hey, what about me?
                                                            
                       JACK
Sam, I'm sorry, but there's no
time. We'll have to leave you
here.
                                                            
                       SAM
What?! That's bull!
                                                            
Pigfeed finishes untieing Jimmy's chair and moves over to
Sam.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
Don't listen to him. He's lucky we
got in here alive.
                                                            
                       JOE
Speaking of here, where exactly
are we? We were knocked out when
they took us in here.
                                                            
                       JACK
We're deep in enemy territory. The
BFG Headquarters.
                                                            
                       PIGFEED
And if you guys want to get out of
here alive, you're going to need
weapons.
                                                            
                       JACK
I brought all of you guns. You
know how to use them, right?
                                                            
Jack hands out guns to Jimmy, Joe, then Sam. Sam grabs his
out of Jack's hand.
                                                            
                       SAM
Do I know how to use them? Ha!
Joe, how many times did we beat
Halo on Legendary?
                                                            
                       JOE
Twenty two and a half.
                                                            
                       SAM
Yep, twenty two and a half.
                                                            
                       JACK
Good, then we can just get the
hell out of here.
                                                            

98.

                       JOE
What? No, we can't leave. We need
to rescue our friends.
                                                            
                       JIMMY
And I need to find Alex!
                                                            
                       JACK
Do you really think we'll make it
out of here alive if we look for
them?