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Cult Fiction
by Joseph R. Casper and Samuel L. Jackson (Buzzspendus1@hotmail.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***1/2
An evil cult invades a small town, and three unsuspecting boys along with an absent minded detective need to stop them.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


Fade into a normal American town; typical surburbia. People
walk busily down sidewalks, cars stop and go at
streetlights, children play in a park, etc. and so on. The
atmosphere is very bright and tranquil.
Cut to the interior of a high school classroom, to a
blackboard that says “BFG” in big white letters. Pan out on
the blackboard to two men dressed very sophisticated,
standing directly across from the students of the classroom,
right in front of the blackboard. One of the men turns to
the class and smiles.
                       BFG SPEAKER 1 (in a sly tone)
How would you kids like to be part
of a really cool club?
In the other part of the classroom, students sit at their
desks acting like normal students: they are not impressed.
Sam and Joe, apathetic unmotivated best friends are playing
video games in the back, while Rob, thier friend, is sitting
up front. One kid falls asleep and drops his head down on
his desk with a loud bang.
                       BFG SPEAKER 2
Now, we’re talking about something
big here; really big.
A student raises his hand.
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Yes, you. The one with the funny
How big? Are we talking like,
“Shrinky Dinks” big, or “Pet Rock”
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Exactly what John Lennon said;
it’s “Bigger than Jesus” big.
                       BFG SPEAKER 2
Now, some of you are probably
thinking, “Clubs aren’t cool. I
don’t want to find myself in


                       BFG SPEAKER 2 (cont'd)
stupid little club. I’d rather be
bitten to death by ravenous
nuclear monster snakes then be
part of some frat.” Well that’s
where you’re wrong. My friend and
I are part of one of the coolest
clubs on the entire planet, and
now we’re giving you the
opportunity to be a member as
Is it a book club?
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
No, it’s not a book club. It’s
even better.
                       BFG SPEAKER 2
What would you say if we told you
that you could be part of a club
where every day is a holiday, and
you never had to go to school ever
All the kids’ heads slowly rise from the desks.
                       BFG SPEAKER 2
That's right. We're giving you the
opportunity to have complete
individual freedom all day and
every day.
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
For example, tomorrow is…
BFG Speaker 1 pulls out a calendar. He clearly makes up what
he's saying as he goes.
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Let’s see…the fifteenth of
June…that would
What’s Rocksheranamonon?
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Uh…I think the term is Egyptian
and roughly translates
to…slaughter day.


                       BFG SPEAKER 2
But that doesn’t matter. What does
matter is the fact that you can
shirk all of your responsibilities
all day, every day. All you need
to give us is one hour of your
time every morning for a simple
meeting. That’s all we ask. After
that, you’re free to do whatever
you want.
A nerdy kid sitting up front raises his hand.
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Yes, you. The one with the
magnifying glasses attached to his
Your offer of no school and all
play is good and all, but isn’t it
completely irresponsible and
There is a short pause, then everybody throws paper balls at
the kid. After the onslaught of paper, he gets hit by a
calculator right in the head.
You know, I think Smarty McNerd
Pants here is right. It isn’t very
healthy to just drop all your
responsibilities and do what you
                       BFG SPEAKER 2
Oh yeah? Well who’s to say what’s
healthy and isn’t healthy?
Speaker 1 whispers into Speaker 2’s ear. Speaker 2 nods his
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
      (turns to teacher)
You know Rick-can I call you Rick?
My name’s Steve.
Speaker 1 raises the teacher from his desk.


                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Sure thing, Rick. I think you need
to take a brief walk with my
friend here. He can explain
everything to you in excruciating
Speaker 2 shows the teacher out the door and walks out with
him. Speaker 1 turns back to the classroom.
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
      (turns to students)
Now, all we ask is for a tiny bit
of commitment from all the
enthusiastic youths of your
community. Now let’s see-by a show
of hands, who is thinking about
attending our short orientation
meeting tomorrow morning.
The entire class groans. “Oh man! Tomorrow’s Saturday!” is
yelled out of the crowd.
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Okay, okay. You kids push a hard
bargain. Well what would you do if
I told you there would be free
candy and ice cream at this
Speaker 1 unveils a cart full of ice cream and candy in the
front of the class. All the hands in the classroom
immediately go up, except for Joe and Sam’s. They’re still
playing video games. The camera pans through the hands up to
the speaker at the front. He notices Joe and Sam’s hands
aren’t up.
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Uh excuse me, you two there in the
back? You boys don’t look too
enthusiastic about the BFG.
Can’t talk.
Mario time.
The speaker begins to walk through the isles to Joe and Sam.
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
I see…let me just ask you a simple
question my friends: can this


                       BFG SPEAKER 1 (cont'd)
Mario guy give you everything that
you’ve ever desired throughout
your entire life, and more?
Joe slowly puts his Nintendo DS down.
Look, first of all-his name is
Super Mario. And second of
all-yes. Yes he can.
      (to speaker)
Indeed. Now let me ask you a
simple question: how many goombas
did you kill today?
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
…I…I didn’t kill any.
Oh. That’s interesting, because,
you know, Mario’s killed like,
what, twelve?
I think it’s thirteen.
Yeah, thirteen now.
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
But I’m not-
And on that note, I bid you good
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
But I-
I SAID “I bid you good day”. This
is second period. That is Mario
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
But you-
Joe taps on his watch.


                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Ah yes…I see how this is going be.
The man begins walking to the front of the classroom once
more. The camera slowly follows him.
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
See? Now this is the problem I
present before you. Do you really
want to be one of these “garage
band” youths, worshiping a false
idol? This, Super Mario?
Yeah, that sounds pretty good to
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Well, if I can’t convince you then
perhaps your teacher can.
The door of the classroom opens and the teacher walks in
with a large scar on his head with blood trickling from it.
Speaker 2 shows him into the room and stands him next to
Speaker 1.
                       BFG SPEAKER 2
I think Rick here has something
important to say to all of you.
They’re right children. Life is so
much easier when you have no
responsibilities, and you share
your thoughts with a higher being.
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
See? If your teacher was easily
swayed then surly your young
impressionable can be as well. Now
I have a sign in sheet here. I’d
like all of you to sign your names
and arrive at our simple no
commitment one hour orientation
meeting tomorrow morning at 8 AM.
And remember, being part of the
BFG means being part of a bigger
thing, and not having any
The entire class applauds, gets out of their seats, and
lines up by the sign in. Joe and Sam continue to play video
games. Rob walks over to them.


So are you guys going tomorrow?
Sam looks up.
Going where?
A whirring sound comes from Sam's game.
Yes! I totally beat you.
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
      (angry sigh)
See? Look what you made me do. You
just made me die. Now I’m
definitely not going to whatever
that thing was that you just said.
You mean you guys weren’t
listening? They just gave us a
twenty minute presentation on the
The BFG?
Rob, I'm pretty sure you just made
that up.
Sam, you’re so ignorant. If you
just keep playing video games all
day, then you’re never going to be
part of a bigger thing.
Rob, we don’t play all day. We
Yeah. And breathe too.
Yeah. We breathe.
Okay fine. Don’t go. But you won’t
get any free ice cream.


You know this all sounds kinda
stupid when you think about it. I
mean, do you really believe that
they’re going to deliver all that
stuff that they’re promising you?
Gary walks over holding a bowl of ice cream.
Dude! They’re already giving out
the free ice cream!
See? We’ve already been given
instant rewards.
Rob starts to walk away.
That’s what the Nazis said!
Rob stops, rolls his eyes, and continues walking.
Joe and Sam are walking down the sidewalk, still playing DS.
Dude, I wouldn’t be caught dead at
that orientation meeting tomorrow.
I know...but the temptation of
free ice cream is quite
How so?
Think about it, Sam. Think about
any time that anyone’s offered you
free ice cream.
Fade into Sam walking down the street happily whistling. A
man dressed in a black overcoat jumps out of the bushes.


Hey kid, want some free ice cream?
…you got any Breyers?
No…actually, no I don’t. All I
have is Edeys.
No deal then, good strangman!
Sam then walks past the stranger. Cut back to Joe and Sam
walking down the street.
Hmmm…you’re right. Free ice cream
never comes without a hitch.
Exactly. I mean, they had every
flavor. You know something’s up.
That BFG’s gotta be up to someth-
Before Joe can finish his sentence, an older boy jumps out
of the bushes and collides with Joe and Sam. All three of
them fall over onto the ground. The whirring noise comes
from Sam’s game once again.
Dude! What’s your problem?!
They’re here! They’re here! I saw
Who’s what now?
The van outside your school-I saw
it! I know they’re here! Get out
of here! Run!
Hold on-what the hell are you
talking about? Who are-
No, Joe. This kid made me die.
That’s twice today I’ve been
interrupted and killed on the


                       SAM (cont'd)
spot. I can’t let it go this time.
That’s it. What’s your name? Huh?
What’s your name? Give me your
phone number.
Whoa Sam, easy. It’s not his fault
he’s got Turrets.
Forget about Turrets! He looks
completely crazy to me.
The kid gets up and begins to yell at Joe and Sam.
Get out of here! Both of you! Get
as far away from this town as you
can! What are you two doing just
sitting there?!
I still have one life left.
Get up you idiot.
Joe helps Sam off the ground.
      (to NEWKID)
Okay, now calm down. Take a deep
breath, and explain that again to
the people here who aren’t fluent
in “completely crazy”.
It’s the BFG! They’re here!
They’ve finally arrived in your
The BFG?
Oh no, not this crap again.
The new kid grabs Sam by the collar and lifts him up.
Wait a minute-you’re not one of
them…are you?


…no…you’re not crazy…are you?
Oh thank God, I almost lost it
there for a second!
The new kid releases the grip he has on Sam.
The BFG? They wanted to take away
And that spells “bad people” in my
book. B-A-D-Underscore-P-E-
-wait-you mean…they haven’t swayed
you two yet?
What, us?
Yeah, we can only be swayed by
mindless corporations and flashy
And Mario.
Yeah, and Mario.
Then run! Run while you still have
the chance! Get the hell out of
The new kid runs past Joe and Sam, then stops dead in his
tracks. His eyes widen as he sees two BFG members going door
to door. He turns around and runs back towards Joe and Sam.
Head for the hills! Head for the
hills! The BFG are here! Get out
of here! Pack your-


Joe and Sam hold out their arms and catch the new kid as he
runs in between them. He falls on the ground onto his back.
Joe and Sam look down at him.
Look, if you’re trying to hide
from these guys, running around
screaming their name isn’t going
to help.
Unless they’re looking for sane
people. Then you’ll blend right
Cut to the new kid rubbing his face up against Joe’s fish
tank. He rubs it with his hand.
                       NEWKID (luciously)
So…what’s your name?
Jeff…no…Steve? Jake? Wait, let me
…I got nothin’.
Uh…let’s just call you “NewKid”.
Yeah…that’s slightly less awkward.
I wish I could remember my real
name…but they took it. They took
everything from me.
…this guy just keeps getting
weirder and weirder.
Who took it from you?


The BFG, you fools! They’re
infiltrating our-
Not this crap again!
And he’s off, folks. Here we go.
They’re like a virus…LOCUSTS….they
go from town to town…they’re
motive isn’t known…they’ve wiped
my mind too many times for me to
have any clear memories but fear…
Jeez…that’s a bitch.
They’ve brought me under their
power before…their hypnosis…many
times…but I got away…every time I
escaped they found me…here
there…everywhere! They’re looking
for me! They’re after me! They’re
The doorbell rings. (ding dong!)
They’re here!
That’s not the BFG, they’re not at
the door, and they’re not out to
get you. You’re just paranoid,
that’s all.
I need to get out!
Joe holds down NewKid. The doorbell keeps ringing.
Joe, you take care of him, I’ll
get the door.
Sam walks up the basement stairs.


Sam walks through Joe's living room and opens the door. Two
men in black suits and sunglasses are standing there.
…can I help you?
                       BFG MEMBER 1
Yes. We’re in the neighborhood
looking for a certain…dangerous
The other man holds up a picture of NewKid.
                       BFG MEMBER 1
Have you seen this individual?
Yes. NO! I mean-no! Wait, who’s
                       BFG MEMBER 2
Wait…why did you say ‘yes’ before
saying no?
…I didn’t understand the question.
                       BFG MEMBER 1
Yes…why, we’re just two local
milkmen out looking for a lost
Oh! Like on the back of the milk
cartons, right?
                       BFG MEMBER 2
…yes. Let’s go with that.
                       BFG MEMBER 1
Have you seen him?
Oh yeah! He’s right down in the
Sam leans in to BFG Member 1.
Oh, and for your own safety, I
think he might be crazy.


Cut to the basement where NewKid is passed out. Sam walks
down the stairs.
All I could find were dog
What, like the ones they use in
the vet?
Yeah, why?
Don’t you think they’re a little
I think he needed it. He's
sleeping like a baby now.
Well let’s drag him upstairs. The
milkman is here and he’s looking
for him.
You know, like on the back of the
Oh yeah!
And it’ll get him out of our face,
Yeah, he was starting to creep me
out too.
Cut to upstairs, where Joe and Sam drag New Kid’s body to
the door where the two men are.
Here he is.


                       BFG MEMBER 2
…what did you do to him?
Let’s just say it will be easier
to get him out of here.
                       BFG MEMBER 1
Very good. Then our job is done
                       BFG MEMBER 2
Thank you very much.
                       BFG MEMBER 1
We’ll be in the neighborhood for a
long time.
                       BFG MEMBER 2
See you soon.
The two men drag New Kid out of the house.
Nice guys.
Yeah. Hey, did they leave any
milk? I usually buy my milk at the
Yeah…now that I think about it, I
was under the impression milkmen
didn’t exist anymore.
Must be making a comeback.
Fade into an auditorium filled with noisy talkative people.
BFG Speaker 1 is up at a podium on a stage. He raises his
hands, then slowly lowers them signaling the crowd to be
quiet. After they hush, he begins to speak.


                       BFG SPEAKER 1
First off, I'd like to thank all
of you for coming out here so
early. We will begin our initial
presentation shortly, but first
we'll open up the floor to any
questions you might have.
Gary raises his hand in the crowd.
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Yes, you up front there.
Yes, I was just wondering if we'd
get more candy and ice cream this
The BFG Speaker's attitude changes drastically.
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Uh...just what do you think you're
I was just wondering if-
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
You had an independent thought.
But I just thought-
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Enough! Horace, take him away!
A large man walks over and drags Gary out of his seat. Gary
screams as the large man drages him out the doors of the
auditorium. The entire crowd watches as Gary is dragged out.
The doors slam close, and there is silence. All the heads in
the audience slowly turn toward the speaker.
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Does anybody else have any
Nobody moves.
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Just as I thought. Now, you will
all be silent, and we will begin.


The camera pans out of the room. The doors slam shut,
locking everybody inside.
Cut to Joe's basement, where Sam is watching a TV Newsman on
Joe's TV.
...and the little puppy made it
out okay. Little trouper. In other
news this evening, last night was
the fourth night in a row that
local citizens have reported
seeing strange lights in the sky.
Reports began flooding in exactly
three days ago, and have not
stopped since...
Joe walks down the stairs and sees what Sam is watching.
Don't even tell me you're actually
watching this garbage.
...the news?
Sam, this is FOX News.
Technically, it has the
information level of a comic book.
Joe, they're called 'graphic
Our cameras have yet to record the
mystery, and there has only been
speculation as to what the cause
of the phenomenon could be. Due to
accumulating numbers of reports,
local researchers have been sent
out into the field to investigate
the origin of these mysterious
lights. Could they be ominous
crafts from another world, or
simply a rare geological
phenomenon? More at eleven.
Joe turns off the TV.


Hey! I was watching that!
...you don't actually believe this
stuff, do you?
Of course I do! The TV said it.
That doesn't constitue the report
being true.
Joe, are you implying that TV
creates a false reality that
demeans the standards of actual
human existance?
Dude, you watch 'The OC' every
Thursday night. nothing creates a
false reality and demeans the
standards of actual human
existance more than that.
I can name at least three things
on that show that I do every day.
What, wake up, eat and go to bed?
You've been sitting here all night
watching TV, did Rob ever show up?
He was supposed to be here at
7:30. He usually likes bashing
popular tripe with us like this.
He's still at that orientation
Still? I thought that it was only
this morning.


Nope. My parents called and said
that they would be there all day,
and all night if they have to be.
Your parents went to that thing
Yeah man. Everybody went to that
damn thing. They must be giving
out a hell of a lot of candy and
ice cream if my parents stayed all
day. What about yours?
My parents are out. I don't know
where they are.
...you never know where they are.
Cut to the inside of the auditorium. The crowd that was once
laid back is now uniform in stature. The BFG Speaker
continues to preech to the crowd, and he nows seems to have
them all under his control.
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Your country is not important.
The crowd repeats what he says, dazed and under his control.
Our country is not important.
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Your religions are not important.
Our religions are not important.
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Your families are not important.
Our families are not important.
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Your bodies and souls are not


Our bodies and souls are not
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
The BFG provides all I need.
The BFG provides all we need.
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
Very good. your inception is now
complete. You are all now a part
of our family. Our meeting has
come to a close. Go now, brothers
and sisters, and spread the divine
word of the BFG to all you pass.
Our proliferation among humanity
will be glorious, and all who
stand in our path with join our
brotherhood in magnificent
The entire crowd applauds the speaker with ravenous applaus.
He raises his hands, then slowly lowers them, signaling to
be quiet. The crowd hushes to silence.
                       BFG SPEAKER 1
And now, for our closing
statements, I present before you
our celebrated leader, Headmaster
A man in a long ceremonial robe walks into the auditorium.
He slowly walks to the podium, and speaks into the
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Welcome all new members to the
Cut to Joe's basement-he is playing Halo 2 on his TV and
talking through his headset.
This is bullshit! You can't just
stand there with a rocket launcher
and wait for us to walk by! Sam,
they're acting like assholes.


Cut to Sam in his living room, also playing Halo 2 and
talking through his headset. The scene goes back and forth
between Joe's basement and Sam's living room as they talk to
eachother through thier headsets.
Welcome to Halo 2.
Their entire team is just waiting
in that corner, holding a rocket
launcher at the door, and blowing
us up as we come in!
Joe becomes frustrated with the game.
I swear to God...I'm going to
write a letter to Bungie. 'Dear
Bungie. Congratulations. You
managed to create a game where
absolutely everybody acts like an
We should have our own Halo party
with our own friends.
Sam, that's actually a good idea.
Did you think that up just now?
Yes I did. I figure that if our
opponents are going to act like
assholes, they might as well be
our friends...who as we know for
fact, tend to be less assholic
then the people online.
I can host one next weekend. You
have any plans?


Joe, when do I ever have any
Good point.
We'll need to hand out invites all
this week.
No problem. I'll make up some on
my computer...DAMN IT! I swear to
God, I will bring a flaming
halbred to this X-Box so
fast...the only reason they're
winning is because they have one
guy running around with the sword!
WTH 2, man.
WTH 2?
Welcome To Halo 2.
Fade into the hallways of Joe and Sam's school. Students are
going about, in and out of classrooms. Joe and Sam are
walking through the halls looking for people to hand out
invites to. Joe has the invites and Sam has a clipboard with
a checklist on it.


Who's next?
They walk over to Rob, who is now very low key.
Here's an invite to our Halo party
on Saturday night.
Saturday night? I don't think I
can make it.
Why not?
I have a date that night.
With who, Erica?
Erica? She's not my girlfriend
anymore. She's my sister now. I
have a date with the BFG. We're
all brothers and sisters in the
BFG, and Erica and I have taken
our relationship to the next
That's kinda...creepy...
Yeah...that's cool...in an
incestual kind of way...I
guess...well, we'll be...crossing
you off the list then.
Yeah...have fun at
I will.
Rob walks away as Sam crosses him off the list.


...that was akward.
Rob's absence makes four no shows
out of four.
Everybody's going to this damn BFG
thing. There's going to be nobody
left to come to our party!
Do you think we should still get
the chips and dip?
Sam, that's a given. We both know
that if worse comes to worse,
we're going to finish it
Jimmy, another of Joe and Sam's friends run up to them. He
is flustered.
Joe! Sam! Thank God I found you
What is it?
Is everything alright?
Everything's fine, but there's
something wrong.
...so, that would imply that
everything is in fact, not
Minor details! You know what I
Jimmy, just tell us-what's wrong?
Just then, Newkid comes up from behind Joe and Sam,
interrupts Joe, and puts his arms around them.


Joe! Sam! How have you two been?
Ahhh! Don't hurt me! I'm unarmed!
Oh Samuel! You're such a larf!
I've been reborn again!
Oh my God, did it hurt your mom?!
There is a beat, and everybody is silent for a moment.
      (turning to sam)
I think getting these two idiots
together would be...dangerous.
We need to separate them. You take
Newkid, I'll take Jimmy.
Joe puts his arm around Newkid and moves him away from Jimmy
and Sam.
Listen, Newkid...buddy...we're
having a party on Saturday night.
You good at Halo?
      (laughs a bit)
Oh Joe! The BFG forbids such
heinous acts. Mutilation and
slaughter is never the answer.
...but it's a video game.
Nonetheless, such material
sensations are strictly forbidden
by the Brotherhood Headmasters.
...you can't be serious.
No, I am quite true to my word.
Such moronic pleasures are
forbidden from all-


No, not that you idiot. The BFG.
You joined them again? Not three
days ago were you running from
their very sight.
Like I said before my friend-I've
been born again.
So I take it you're not coming to
our party either?
I'm sorry, but I cannot attend.
Oh well...I guess I'll be seeing
you around then.
Until we meet again.
Newkid holds out his hand to shake with Joe. He holds it
there for a beat, then Joe reluctantly responds with a
shake. Newkid walks away. Joe walks back over to Sam and
Who was that guy?
Somebody you should never meet.
Sam was telling me about your
Please tell me you can make it.
Sure. I just have to run it over
with my-
Before Jimmy can finish what he is saying, a pair of silky
hands wrap around him and embrace him. Jimmy's girlfriend,
Alex steps into the picture, hanging all over Jimmy.
Joe, Sam. The only two besides my
Jimmy to join our brotherhood.


Alex, don't even tell me you
joined the BFG too?
Jesus, has everybody in this town
gone mad?
So Jimmy, be there Saturday at 7.
We'll start off with some warm up
slayer games and then-
Saturday night? Oh no, he can't
Why not?
Alex seductively hangs over Jimmy, speaking for him.
He's got a BFG meeting that night.
We may be there for a long time.
Jimmy would never join that stupid
club. He's smarter than he looks.
Joe slowly turns and looks at Sam. Jimmy stands there
stupefied as Alex hangs all over him.
Okay, so maybe he isn't too
bright. He still won't join the
BFG though.
Guys, I can't come to your
But you just said you could!
Alex lets go of Jimmy and begins to walk backwards. She
seductively signals Jimmy to come with her.
I have an...appointment with


Dude! Bros over hos! BROS OVER
It's useless Sam. That stupid
saying never works.
You're right...I'm going to have
to send a very angry e-mail when I
get home.
He never used to act like that
around Alex...I mean, he's an
idiot, but he's not stupid to the
point beyond words. And Alex never
such a...
Yeah! I was gonna say tramp, but
slut works to. And now Jimmy is
going to join the BFG with her?
Joe, we've got bigger problems.
What, getting our friends back to
No, screw our friends! If nobody
comes to our Halo party, it's
going to be a bust!
Dear God...you're right. What do
we do?
I say we find these Headmasters
and have a little chat with them.
Cut to Headmaster Jiro's office. He is sitting at his desk,
writing a paper. The paper he has says 'People To
Brainwash'. There is a long list of names, with Joe and
Sam's at the bottom. He cirlces thier names. His door busts
open as Joe and Sam walk in.


Headmaster Jiro?
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
Ah! Joseph R. Casper and Samuel L.
Jackson. We were just talking
about you.
...we who?
Headmaster Jiro takes a flustered beat.
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
...please! Please, sit down. Make
yourselves comfortable. Here, help
yourselves to a peanut butter cup.
All the peanut butter cups in the
world couldn't coax us! We've got
a bone to pick with you!
Yeah! And not like those little
dogtoy bones. The big complicated
ones they hang in museums!
We demand to speak with Headmaster
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
Headmaster Blaine is
currently...unavailable. But, I am
head of personell at the BFG...I
assume you're here for admission?
Think again, pal. We're here
because we know what you and your
little gang are up to!
We know all about your diabolical
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
...you do?


That's right, buddy! And we will
not go quietly!
You're not going to get away with
this. We're onto you!
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
Of course not...but, tell me...how
much do you know?
We know enough to take your whole
operation down! We'll go to the
media and create a frenzy if need
be! You know the rounds-CBS, NBC,
FOX...well, CBS and NBC, but media
frenzy nonetheless!
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
Now, now. Let's not get hasty
about all this. Why don't we talk
it over? I'm sure we can reach
some sort of an agreement. Have
you ever thought of joining the
We've heard all about your crazy
morals and beliefs.
You'll never get us to join!
Headmaster Jiro gets out of his chair and slowly makes his
way around his desk and over to Joe and Sam.
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
Listen, there must be some way to
give you a taste of our instant
rewards. Why don't you two just
come to a quick orientation
meeting this Saturday night, and
Saturday night?
Oh no!


Listen, you get out of this town
as quickly as possible, and there
won't have to be any
confrontation. I bid you good day,
Joe and Sam storm out of Headmaster Jiro's office. They
leave and violently close the door. There is a beat, then
Sam rushes back in, knocks over a pencil holder on
Headmaster Jiro's desk, takes some peanut butter cups,
scolds at him, then leaves again. Headmaster Jiro thinks
about the confrontation that just occured.
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
So...there are indeed nonbelievers
among us...
Cut to a darkened room. It is daylight out, but the room
remains darkened. Headmaster Blaine is sitting in his
armchair when Headmaster Jiro enters and walks up to him.
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
Headmaster Blaine...we have a
problem. There are...nonbelievers
among us. They know our secrets.
What do we do?
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Contact Headmaster Stern. We must
concieve a plan to eradicate them.
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
At once, my liege.
Headmaster Jiro exits the room.
Cut to Joe and Sam outside, walking down the street.
Well, I think we threw around
enough bullshit back there.
It's feels so much better than an
angry letter when you do it in


If they're going to create a club
that bans video games and promotes
incestual relationships, then I
want no part of it! I mean, all we
want is to have a Halo party.
That's all.
So much for morals. Are we really
going to go to the media?
Listen, Sam, they don't know just
how angry the Halo community can
Cut to the BFG meeting room, the place where the Headmasters
conjur up thier plots and plans. The room is large, with
giant windows and a single long table in the center. The
entire room is dark accept for the table, which is
surrounded by candles. Headmaster Blaine sits at the head of
the table, while Headmasters Jiro and Stern sit opposite
from eachother at the center. Blaine is drinking out of a
large goblet, while the other headmasters have smaller cups.
                       HEADMASTER STERN
This news of nonbelievers among us
is startling. They will indeed
hinder our progress.
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
Just as we have set up our
organization, there are already
those that oppose us.
                       HEADMASTER STERN
The bonds of our brotherhood must
be strengthened. We need more
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
The town is almost dry. There are
very few left, and almost none
oppose us. What will two do
against a thousand?
                       HEADMASTER STERN
They are a threat nonetheless. I
suggest we eradicate them.


                       HEADMASTER JIRO
Eradication may not be the answer.
We must suade them to join us.
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Headmaster Jiro may be right, but
eradictaion may be our only
solution. Two will grow into Four.
Four will grow into ten. Ten will
grow into one hundred. One hundred
will grow into a thousand, and
soon enough, our numbers will be
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
My liege, I don't think these two
are capable of
such...accomplishments. They are
indeed a threat, but a minor one.
                       HEADMASTER STERN
Headmaster Blaine, I will
personally make it my duty to
eradicate the nonbelievers.
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Are you sure you can accomplish
this? You have failed me in the
past Mardeo. You're the one who
got us into this mess in the first
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
We're so close to our goal that I
don't think giving him such an
opportunity at this point should
be an option.
Headmaster Stern stares at Headmaster Jiro and gives him a
hateful look.
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Redemption is a law of the BFG,
and as long as we're under this
roof we will obey it. Headmaster
Stern, you have my permission to
eradicate the nonbelievers. You
may use any method necessary, but
I do not want any casualties other
than those who oppose us. Can you
do this?
Headmaster Stern stands and turns towards Headmaster Blaine.


                       HEADMASTER STERN
I can, and will my lord. You have
my word.
Headmaster Stern exits.
Cut to Joe's basement. The place is all set up for the
party, but unfortunately, nobody's shown up. The green light
on the X-Box flashes on and off. The basement is empty. Joe
is upstairs at his kitchen table writing a letter.
Dear Bungie...Congratulations. You
managed to create a game where
absolutely everybody acts like an
There is a knock on Joe's door. He stops writing the letter
and goes to open the door. It's Sam.
You're late. I resorted to playing
online, and I inevitably ended up
writing the letter again. It's
about time you decided to show up.
What took you so long? You're the
first one here.
Joe, forget the party. Nobody's
You don't know that!
Joe, nobody's going to show
up-trust me, I know.
The entire town is empty.
Bullshit. I don't believe that.


My parents went to the meeting
tonight, and I couldn't get a
ride, so I walked. On the way
here, I noticed there were no cars
on the road, and nobody in town.
Are you serious?
Either everybody's taken a
vacation, or people have once
again gone to great lengths to
avoid one of your parties.
I need to see this for myself.
Cut to the town of Sayville. It is very quiet. The entire
town is empty. Two street lights swing in the breeze alone.
The streets are empty. There isn't a soul to be seen or
heard. Joe and Sam run into the picture. They run through
the desolate place in various shots, all of which are empty
backgrounds. They come to a stop on one corner.
You're right...there's nobody.
There's nobody here.
I told you.
There has to be somebody
somewhere. The entire town can't
be completely empty!
They're all at that meeting.
They're all in the BFG.
That can't be. How can an entire
town join a single club?
Sam grabs Joe by the shoulders.


Joe, you haven't figured it out
yet? It's not a club, it's a cult!
They've enslaved the entire town!
There is a short beat, then Joe steps back.
...how long has it been since you
brushed your teeth?
...does that really matter right
You answered my question with
another question, dick!
So you don't do that! You don't
answer other people's questions
with questions of your own, it's a
rule of-
There is a faint yelling in the distance.
Shut up-do you hear that?
They listen as the yelling increases.
It's coming from that way.
Sam, points forward, and they run in the direction of the
yelling. They run through the empty town some more, and then
they stop for a second.
...is that Jimmy?
...it can't be!
Jimmy is wandering in the middle of town, alone, carrying a
blanket and a pillow. Joe and Sam run up to him.
Jimmy! What are you doing here?


Thank God you guys showed up! I
need your help.
What's wrong?
I need somebody to tuck me in!
It's way past my bedtime.
Joe and Sam are stupefied. They are silent for a beat.
      (stutters words)
Joe pulls a glass of water from off screen and splashes it
on Sam.
Thank you, I needed that. Joe, do
you want to field this one?
Jimmy, the entire town is missing,
and your wandering around looking
for somebody to tuck you in?
Joe, you know as well as anybody.
I can't fall asleep until somebody
tucks me in!
Then do it yourself!
Sam, the sheer idea of that is
laughable. My parents haven't been
home all weekend, and without my
nightly monster check, I'm as good
as dead.
You know, now that I think about
it, with that monster loose, there
would be much more at stake than
Jimmy's bedtime.


Wait a minute. Jimmy, you said
that they haven't been home all
...then where are they?
They went to a BFG meeting and
never came back.
Wait, I thought you were going to
join the BFG too.
I did...for a little while. Then I
So wait-you mean to tell me that
you just...left? You walked out
under your own free will?
You weren't brainwashed by the BFG
like the rest of the town?
They tried. They really tried, but
they said I was a lost cause. Ohh!
A penny!!
Jimmy dives to the ground.
How could he not have been
affected by them? If everybody
else in town is gone, then what
makes Jimmy so special?
Jimmy is still on the ground, off camera.
It's a vintage one! Circa 1943!
Good shape, too!


It's not too hard to figure out,
Sam. Look at him. He's an idiot.
They couldn't brainwash him if
they tried.
Jimmy jumps back up from off the ground. He tries to show
Joe and Sam the penny he just found.
You guys gotta take a look at this
one. Look at the craftsmanship on
it...and there's even some gum
stuck on the Lincoln side! See? It
makes his hair look all green and
Jim sticks his finger in his mouth, then pulls it back out
Ohh! Minty, too! I didn't know
Lincoln's hair tasted like
Joe, Sam, and Jimmy are sitting at Joe's kitchen table.
Jimmy is eating eggo waffles.
...how can you eat that? It's one
o'clock in the morning.
Leggo my eggo!
Jimmy, first of all, I don't want
your uncooked eggo. Second of all,
that's not syrup, it's salsa. I
could give you a power point
presentation about how I want to
leggo those eggos. First of all,
you haven't actually cooked said
eggo. Second of all, that's not
syrup. That's salsa. Third of all-
Sam, shut up. There are bigger
things happening here. The entire
town's been abducted by an evil


                       JOE (cont'd)
cult, and you can just sit here
and argue about waffles?
There is a short beat. Sam looks at Joe, then back to Jimmy.
Point three-
Joe flips out and throws the plate on the ground.

Leggo the attitude, Joe. Leggo the
I'm sorry I flew off the handle
bars like that...it's just
that...I really want to play Halo,
and it's starting to get to me.
Well then we have to figure out
what to do about the BFG. We need
to put our heads together. I mean,
we're all smart here.
Beat. Pan to Jimmy who is scraping the eggo off the floor.
Okay, two-thirds of us here are
smart. I'm sure we can come up
with something.
It was just a meeting. It should
have ended at one point. What
could they still be doing there?
Jimmy comes back up from the floor and puts the dish back on
the table.
It wasn't a normal meeting
tonight. It was more of
a...ceremony. The entire town was
A ceremony? A ceremony for what?


The complete inception of the
entire town.
Nice SAT word.
Was Rob there? He said he was
going, but we haven't seen him all
No, he wasn't.
Have you seen him lately?
He's been to some meetings, but
not lately. Some of the people who
were at the early meetings have
gone missing. The Headmasters said
to think nothing of it.
The Headmasters...they're the ones
behind this whole thing?
Yep. Where they came from is a
mystery, but they said they
created the BFG to unify us all as
brothers and sisters.
Wait a minute-how do you know
this? You don't know anything.
All the other members in the BFG
seem to forget the major details
after meetings for some reason.
It's weird, I know. I usually
forget stuff like this on a
regular basis.


No, it's not weird at all. It's
actually really simple. They
didn't brainwash you, Jimmy.
That's why you're able to retain
all of this stuff after you hear
So basically, you're saying is
that he's too stupid to be
brainwashed, but not too stupid to
remember all the secrets of a
major organization?
Jimmy continues to eat his eggo.
The Headmasters kicked me out
after they realized that I
couldn't be brainwashed.
They didn't want you to learn more
of thier secrets, so they just
gave you the boot.
The Headmasters...Jiro and
Blaine...they're the only ones,
Excuse me?
What about Howard Stern?
Not Howard Stern, you dolt.
Headmaster Stern. He's the third
Headmaster. He's the
disciplinarian of the group.


So there are three Headmasters?
Yes. Kyros Blaine, Nyeki Jiro, and
Mardeo Stern. They're the ones
that started this whole mess.
We already talked to Jiro...we
were under the assumption that
there were only two.
Nope. There are three of them.
If Rob's in there, we need to get
him out.
Rob's been missing for days, along
with a couple other members. The
Headmasters said to make nothing
of it.
They're up to something.
That guy I met ther other day went
missing too...you know, that new
Newkid's missing too? If all these
people are regular members, then
what's happening to them?
They're up to no good, that's
You think, Joe? They enslaved the
entire town, and God knows what
else they're doing to these people
behind closed doors. You know what
Joe, they're probably just a
charity. We should probably give
up now.


Alex has changed since she
joined...she never used to be such
Okay guys, that's enough.
Sam is holding the dictionary and has reading glasses on.
One who is considered sexually
Okay guys, that's enough, I get
the picture...guys? You can stop.
Joe and Sam continue to rattle off words.


Seductive mistress of passion and
Working girl?
Town bicycle?
Jimmy gets frustratingly angry.
Okay guys, you can stop now...
Woman of the street?
One who-
Joe and Sam shut up.
I was going to say mindless slave
and puppet...but I think you guys
just beat it to death. Now c'mon!
Weren't we going to do some sort
of plan thing or something?
He's right...for once. We have to
find Rob and get him out of there
before something bad...er...worse
Well what about the rest of the
...you know Joe...I'm not too fond
of the rest of the town.
Well, we need to find Rob first
before we can rescue him.


Find him? Oh, finding him's not a
problem. Getting him out is.
Joe, do you remember what happened
last time we tried to find a
missing person? I ended up nailing
myself to a telephone pole. Let's
let the milkman handle this one.
Sam, the milkmen are long extinct.
We need to move up to something
Fade out on Joe, Sam and Jimmy. Fade into the BFG Meeting
Room, at night. Blaine and Jiro are sitting at the head of
the long table, along with Rob and Newkid. Blaine and Jiro
stand up.
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Brothers...you are all here
because you have been chosen. Your
loyalty to the BFG is stronger
than all the rest, and now your
hard work will all be paid off.
Blaine raises his goblet, followed by Jiro raising his
glass. Pan down the table. Rob and Newkid stand up and raise
thier glasses as well.
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
To everlasting life, and a future
The scene fades out from the BFG meeting room to the office
of Jack Rockwell, private eye. Everything is in black and
white, like an old film noir movie. Jack Rockwell is sitting
in his chair with his feet up on his desk, and puts a
cigarette out in an ashtray. He begins to talk through
      (through narration)
It was like any other day. I had
just put out another
cigarette...which is odd, because


                       JACK (cont'd)
I don't smoke. Business was slow
that week...but then again, when
you don't advertise, business is
always slow.
Joe and Sam walk into the room.
Mr. Rockwell, I presume?
      (through narration)
It was just then that she walked
into my office.
Joe and Sam hear Jack's narration and look around, trying to
find where the voice is coming from.
      (through narration)
She was a beautiful dame. I could
tell she was in trouble, and
needed my help.
...excuse me?
Jack comes out of his narration and notices Joe and Sam.
Oh! I didn't notice you there.
Sorry about that. It's just...so
many helpless dames walk into my
office every day, I've kind of
gotten into a routine.
Jack stands up and extends his hand to Joe and Sam.
Jack Rockwell, Private Eye at your
Jack shakes hands with Joe and Sam.
Now what seems to be the problem
We need you to help us find a
missing person.
Jack stops, thinks, and sits back down in his chair.


      (through narration)
Ah yes...the whole 'missing person
gig. I've done it before. But
never very well.
Joe and Sam look around Jack's office, then look at
eachother and shrug. Jack continues his narration.
      (through narration)
People usually come to me to find
other people who are missing. It
gets kind of annoying after a
while...sometimes I feel like I
need to branch out into different
markets, you know, get off of this
one trick pony. I probably
shouldn't even have become a
private eye in the first place. I
mean, I've had A.D.D. all my life,
and can never stay on one topic at
a time. Speaking of time, you know
what I've actually been thinking
about going into? Politics. You
know, the whole beaurocrat thing.
It seems interesting, but a man's
gotta make a living...even if that
means going from paycheck to
paycheck living on boos and
spaghettiOs. Speaking of
beaurocrats, I should get a cat.
They seem like nice company. I
know I could use some company
around the office. That, or a nice
woman. Yeah. Women. They're cool.
Speaking of cool, remember that
movie, Cool Runnings? Yeah, that
was a cool movie. Pun intended.
You know, I think that quite
possibly could have been John
Candy's best movie. Candy.
Mmmmm...candy. I could go for some
of that right now...
Uh, Mr. Rockwell? Are you there?
Joe waves his hand in Jack's face. Jack jumps in his chair
as if he had just come out of a trance.


What? Who? Oh, you guys. That's
right, the ugly looking chicks.
We're not helpless dames.
Oh yeah...sorry about that.
Routine, you know.
Listen, we need you to help us
find our friend.
No can do, buddy. I've gone out of
business. Thinkin' about goin'
into politics now.
How did you go out of business?
Well, when an entire town vanishes
out of nowhere, business slows
down to nearly nothing.
Jack turns in his chair and begins to speak in narration
      (through narration)
Hmmm...a whole town gone missing.
You know, now that I think about
it, being a private eye, I
probably should have done
something about this a long time
Uh...you know we can hear you,
Huh? Oh, yes of course. Wait, are
you sure?
Yeah, pretty sure. It's filling
the entire room.


Oh...I didn't say anything dirty,
did I?
...I don't think so.
Good. I've been known to repeat
things I read in magazines
sometimes... But wait, what did I
exactly did I say then?
Something about the entire town
missing and you doing nothing
about it.
Oh yeah! I remember that. That was
Jack turns and goes into narration again.
      (through narration)
Yep...I remember the last time I
went into narration. I remember it
like it was yesterday...yeah, that
was cool. Speaking of cool,
remember that movie, Cool
Runnings? John Candy's awesome. I
wish I had some candy. But I have
no money. I wish people would come
in here and ask me for work. If
only the entire town didn't go
missing, then I'd have work. From
the work, I would get money. I
would take the money, and then
exchange it for goods and
services. Preferrably candy, which
I have a hankerin' for right now.
Yeah, candy is cool. Hey, remember
that movie, Cool Runnings?
Joe gets pissed, interrupts him, and throws a stapler at
Just stop it already!


What? Huh? You guys? Oh yeah, the
ugly lookin' chicks.
Listen, our friend joined the BFG,
and hasn't been seen since. Even
other members don't know where he
is. We think he's in trouble. You
are the only person left in town.
We need your help.
So wait a minute, let me get this
straight here: you want me to find
a missing person in a town of
missing people?
      (through narration)
The offer of work was good, and
God knows that I needed the money.
But I didn't know if I could take
the case...I was just going to
screw everything up and put these
kids into a hole deeper than
they're already in. I mean,
couldn't just sit here and tell
them I can't do it.
I can't do it. Look guys, to be
honest with you, I wouldn't be
able to find a missing person if
he were standing right in front of
my face whistling the Chips theme
Jack holds up a bag of chips to Joe and Sam.
Chips? They're good. I've got dip
in the back.
Joe and Sam take a beat. Jack gets up and starts to go into
the back to get the dip.
Let's get out of here, Sam. This
guy's useless.


Yeah, and he smells bad, too.
Hey, you'd smell bad too if you
were up all night drinking hard
liquor and looking after circus
I don't even want to know what he
means by that.
Joe and Sam leave Jack's office. They close the door behind
them and start walking down the block. Everything is in
color again.
...you know, I think I just
realized something.
Well, if the BFG recruited every
single person in town, what makes
Jack so special?
Maybe he's like Jimmy. You know,
playing the whole 'stupid person'
Sam...I think that's his entire
You know, I think you're right.
They probably came to his office,
found out he's not the deadliest
bullet in the gun, then just left
him there and went home.
Cut back to Jack's office. There is a knock at the door.
Jack goes to open it. There are two BFG members standing
Yes, can I help you?


                       BFG MEMBER 1
Sir, have you found the right
Wait a minute, you two aren't
helpless dames...is this some kind
of a joke?
                       BFG MEMBER 1
Joke? Not at all.
                       BFG MEMBER 2
We're here to invite you into
our...select club.
A club, huh? You know, I've always
wanted to be part of the in crowd.
Jack turns and goes into narration.
      (through narration)
Yeah...the in crowd. I was never
part of the in crowd when I was
younger. Maybe its because I never
wore cool clothes like everybody
else. You know, Old Navy has some
cool clothes. I like Old Navy. Old
Navy sells all kinds of stuff. The
only thing better than Old Navy is
Old Spice. Old Spice not only
makes you smell clean and new, but
refreshed as well. It's like a bar
of soap that doesn't need water to
make you clean. It's like magic!
Oh man, magic is cool. I was at
this party once, and they had this
magician, and he was doing all
these cool tricks and stuff. It
was so cool. He was like, making
birds fly out of his hat, and
pulling money from behind people's
ears! Seriously, how you can you
go poor if you can take money from
behind people's ears. It's magic!
I swear, I can't tell how they do
those complicated tricks. Like
skateboarders. Skateboarders do
all sorts of crazy tricks. I could
never be a skateboarder, though.
Maybe that's because I was never


                       JACK (cont'd)
in the in crowd. Man I wish I was
in a cool club. Maybe I should
join the club these guys come
from. Yes! That's a great idea!
That's what I'll do! I'll join
thier club!
During Jack's narration, the two BFG members try to get him
out of it.
                       BFG MEMBER 1
Hello? Hello?
                       BFG MEMBER 2
Anybody there? Hello?
They try to wave and get his attention, but Jack doesn't
                       BFG MEMBER 1
You know, do we really want
somebody like this back at
                       BFG MEMBER 2
Yeah, you're probably right. Let's
just leave him here.
                       BFG MEMBER 1
What do we tell the Headmasters?
                       BFG MEMBER 2
Let's just say there was nobody
The two BFG members walk out of Jack's office. When they
leave, Jack comes out of his narration.
Sure I'll join your club! Hello?
Cut back to Joe and Sam walking down the street.
We should have compromised with
him. He's the only person left in
town to help us.
Jack runs around the corner behind Joe and Sam. He holds his
hat as he runs, and makes his way to Joe and Sam.


Wait! Wait, come back! Hold on!
He runs up in between Joe and Sam.
Oh good, he's following us.
Listen, I thought about what you
guys said, and I want to help you.
Let's be honest here: you two
can't do this on your own, and I
need the money.
Okay...we'll do it under one
Joe and Sam look at eachother, then to Jack.
Sure thing, whatever you say.
Ok then. You solve the case and
find out what's going on, and then
you get paid. It's a fair
Don't worry. Jack Rockwell Private
Eye is on board. We'll have this
whole thing settled in no time.
Cut to the BFG Meeting room at night. Headmaster Stern is
addressing a group of BFG members. He paces back and forth.
                       HEADMASTER STERN
I've called you all here because
we have a problem. There are
nonbelievers among us. They are a


                       HEADMASTER STERN (cont'd)
threat, and as so, need to be
eliminated. You have all been
chosen to assist me on this
campaign. You have all been hand
chosen because you have previous
knowledge of the nonbelievers. You
were all once thier friends.
Friends mean nothing to you now.
You know who they are. You know
where they live. You will hunt
them down and destroy them. Now
go. Bring them back to me dead or
The BFG members march out of a room like a hoard of
braindead slobs.
Fade out from the BFG Meeting room to Joe's house. Sam and
Joe walk in the front door, with Jack following behind. They
walk into Joe's kitchen and find Jimmy cooking something on
the stove in a small pot.
Oh great, he's cooking.
Don't worry Sam, it's just soup.
What could possibly happen?
The soup explodes out of the pot and flies onto Jimmy's
Anybody up for some face soup?
Joe throws Jimmy a towel to clean up his face.
Jimmy, two things: clean up your
face, and never ever use my stove
again. As a matter of fact, never
come within 10 feet of an open
Jimmy wipes his face with the towel. Jack dips his finger in
the soup pot and tastes the soup.
This soup is ice cold.


You know what else is cold? Snow.
Jimmy turns to Joe and Sam.
Oh man, do you guys remember when
we were in the Snow Wars?
Jimmy turns to Jack.
Rob shot a guy in the head!
Oh man, really? That's awesome! I
have a gun. Here, check it out!
Jack pulls out his pistol.
It's fully loaded, too. A private
eye always needs a gun. Not only
because you never know when you're
going to need one, but also
because guns are really cool!
Yeah, guns are cool. Oh man, have
you ever seen that movie, Cool
Have I! Wasn't John Candy awesome?
It was quite possibly his best
Candy! Oh man, I love candy! You
don't have any, do you?
Sorry man, I'm poor. I haven't had
work in a long time. Thinkin'
about goin' into politics now.
Joe and Sam stand and watch Jack and Jimmy ramble on to
Aw, look. The idiots are bonding.


Sam, I don't think we should ever
let these two be alone together.
The consequences would be
devastating. I would never be able
to forgive myself for anything
that happens.
You're right.
Sam walks up in between Jimmy and Jack and pries them apart.
Hey, I know you.
Yeah, that's great Jimmy. Look at
that mirror over there.
Jimmy turns and looks in the mirror.
Jack, listen. Aren't you supposed
to be solving our case?
I will, I will! I'm on it, don't
worry. I just need to wait for my
partner to get back, and then
we'll be on this case like a ham
sandwich on a hobo.
I think you-
Joe puts his hand out and stops Sam from finishing his
Jack, you never told us you had a
Of course I have a partner! Do you
think I would be able to solve
tough cases on my own? Or for that
matter, cases in general?
This isn't going to cost more
money, is it?


Not at all! ...unless you think I
can get away with it.
Not anymore you can't.
Oh. Then in that case, Jack
Rockwell works for one fee, and
one fee only.
When is your partner going to be
Oh, he's POW.
...you mean MIA?
No, POW.
So, basically, what you're telling
me, is that your partner is a
prisoner of war out in some
Vietnamese Ghetto?
What? No, what are you talking
about? He's in school out in
Then why did you say he was POW?
POW? I never said that. You're
Sam becomes frustrated.
Jack...my hatred for you is both
deep set, and true.
Ha ha! Sam, you rhymed!


...I'm going to go look in the
mirror with Jimmy. Jack, I can't
stand you anymore.
Jack puts his arm around Sam.
Don't worry, Sam! That's what all
my clients say!
Fade out on Jack, Sam, Joe and Jim, and fade into the BFG
Meeting room at night. Headmaster Stern is talking with Rob.
                       HEADMASTER STERN
I have a small band of followers
at your command. I have already
sent them out to gather
information, so they will be two
steps ahead of you.
Very good, my liege.
                       HEADMASTER STERN
The other headmasters are counting
on you. Prime may aid you himself,
if he feels that it is necessary,
and if you succeed, Prime will
initiate you to our brotherhood
I will not fail you, my master.
                       HEADMASTER STERN
Kill the nonbelievers. Bring thier
heads to me.
They are as good as dead.
Rob bows to Headmaster Stern and exits.
Fade out on the BFG Meeting Room. Fade into Joe's house.
Jack's partner walks up the steps to his porch, goes to the
door, and rings the doorbell. He is holding a lot of


luggage. Across the street, the BFG members that Headmaster
Stern sent out to kill Joe and Sam are hiding behind bushes,
spying on Joe's house. The are dressed in all black. One
covers his face with a black ninja mask. They fall back into
the shadows. Cut to Joe's kitchen. Jimmy is cooking again,
standing over a pot, stirring soup. Sam is sitting at the
kitchen table, and Jack is sitting across from him, holding
a hand of cards.
Well Sam, I've got five of a kind.
You know what that means. Lost the
Jack, a couple of things: first of
all, we're not playing poker. I'm
playing solitare.
Pan down to Sam's cards. He is in fact playing solitare.
Second of all, I'm not stripping.
I don't have a hand to beat.
Furthermore, I would never play
strip poker with you, because what
possible reward would I obtain?
Well played Jackson. Well played.
I fold...this round.
Yeah, you do that.
The doorbell rings.
There's somebody at the door.
That must be Pigfeed.
Don't ask.
They open the door. Jack's partner, Pigfeed, is standing
there holding his luggage.


This had better be good, Jack. I
have finals this week.
Oh, it's worth it Pigfeed. Imagine
if you will, the largest case
we've ever taken.
You're Jack's partner I assume?
Yes. Nice to meet you.
Joe and Pigfeed shake hands.
I'm Joseph R. Casper, and this is
Samuel L. Jackson.
The L stands for Lewis.
Jimmy walks over with a bowl of soup in his hand. He slurps
it up with a spoon.
That's his full name, honest to
This our friend, Jimmy. He's a
He's...well, he's not really
anything, I guess. But together we
are the last five people left in
Cut to across the street. The BFG cronies creep across the
street while Joe, Sam, Jimmy, Jack and Pigfeed talk in the
Jack, I leave you for two months
and the entire town goes missing.


Believe it or not, it wasn't his
You look a little tired. Come
inside, we'll discuss our case
over dinner.
They walk inside to Joe's kitchen.
I cooked! Save all compliments for
after the meal, please.
Yep. Jimmy cooked. He's
made...well, I dunno what he's
made, but it's a liquid, so grab a
As soon as the coast is clear, the BFG cronies creep out of
the shadows and make their way around Joe's house.
Inside, Joe, Sam and Pigfeed sit down at the kitchen table.
Jimmy serves them three bowls of his soup.
I hope you guys like it. It did
take a while to cook.
Jimmy then sits down at a smaller kiddie table with Jack.
Joe takes a taste of the soup, and nods his head in
It's pretty good Jimmy. Good job.
He doesn't cook often?
We don't often trust Jimmy around
open flames.


What's the matter, Sam? You're not
going to eat it?
You know Joe, on second thought, I
really don't trust this. I'm not
one-hundred percent sure that all
these ingredients are non-toxic.
Cut to outside. The BFG members look through the window into
the scene inside. One member signals to the others, and they
run offscreen.
Cut back into Joe's kitchen where Joe, Sam, Jimmy, Jack, and
Pigfeed are still conversing. Jimmy is slurping his soup.
Pigfeed, we need to get on this
case as soon as possible. The
sooner we solve this case, the
sooner I can go into politics.
Jack, I don't think anyone in
their right mind would ever vote
for you.
With an attitude like that, you're
never going to be my running mate
He's got my vote!
If that isn't a clear example of
your justification Pigfeed, I
don't know what is.
So why does Jack call you Pigfeed?
Is it a nickname of some sort? I'm
sure it isn't your real name, but
it's all that Jack has been
calling you since he mentioned he
had a partner.


Oh of course it's not my real
name. My parents don't hate me
that much.
You don't actually expect me to
pronounce your real name, do you?
I mean, it's harder to pronounce
than...well, it's just really hard
to pronounce.
Rick? Rick is too hard to
pronounce? Rick Stevens. Jack,
you're not that stupid.
It's all clicks and whistles to
Then where did Pigfeed come from?
I'm a college boy. Where do you
think it came from?
Cut to outside. The BFG cronies tiptoe up Joe's back porch.
One tries to open the back door, but it is locked. He
signals to the others, and they creep into the shadows.
Cut back to inside Joe's kitchen. The real meat of the
conversation now begins.
So what about this case of ours?
All I know so far is that you two
are our clients, the entire town
has gone missing, and you've hired
us to find all of the missing
Actually, we just need you two to
help us find our friend.


We could care less about the rest
of the town.
And what about Jimmy?
Jimmy's girlfriend has fallen in
with the rest of the town, and he
insists on helping us get her
But what exactly happened? I was
home for spring break a month ago.
Everything was fine, and now
everything has gone to shit? How
can an entire town go missing?
They're called the BFG. They came
into town a couple of weeks ago
and quickly infested everybody's
minds with promises of lies and
false idols.
The BFG. They're a group of some
Yes. They say they're an exclusive
club, but we know that they're
really a cult up to no good. They
brainwashed everybody. We're the
only ones left!
Well, if the entire town fell to
this cult, then why didn't you
Like all the other youths in
America, Sam and I can only by
suade by greedy corporations and
flashy advertising.
And Jimmy simply isn't too bright.
The BFG tried, but he's literally
too stupid to be brainwashed. But


                       SAM (cont'd)
it also goes without saying: you
need a brain to be brianwashed.
And Jack...
Joe, Sam and Pigfeed look over to Jack, who is blowing
bubbles in his soup.
Well, Jack isn't exactly playing
with a full deck either.
The only reason we hired him was
because he was the only person
left in town.
Don't worry. You'll find that when
Jack is on the case, he's a
genius. We'll find your missing
Our friend Rob joined the BFG some
time ago, then went missing. The
BFG Headmasters said to make
nothing of it, so we think they're
up to no good.
Don't worry. We handle this kind
of thing all the time. Missing
people are our specialty.
Track down the BFG. If you find
them, you'll find Rob.
Pigfeed gets up. Joe and Sam follow.
C'mon Jack. We've got a job to do.
Well, thanks for the soup. It was
excellent. We'll have this whole
thing settled in no time.
And yet, for some reason, I have
an uneasy feeling about all this.


We'll be back as soon as possible.
You don't mind if I leave my stuff
here, do you?
Not at all. Just find our friend.
We were supposed to have this Halo
party, and now everything's gone
to hell.
Don't worry. We'll have your case
settled in no time.
Jack and Pigfeed leave. They walk out the front door and
down Joe's walkway. Joe and Sam walk back inside. They walk
back into the kitchen, where one of the BFG cronies is
holding Jimmy by the neck with a gun to his head.
...hey Joe, did you always have a
ninja in your kitchen?
...not to my knowledge.
Guys, I think this guy means
business. His gun is loaded and
he's threatening to kill me.
Why is the ninja holding a gun?
You know, I don't know. I didn't
think ninjas usually used guns.
Don't they use like, swords and
parrots and stuff?
No dude, you're thinking of
Oh yeah, that's right. But wait,
if this guy's a ninja, why does he
have a patch over his eye?


Maybe he's a mixture of both.
You know guys, for a gun toting
ninja threatening to end my life,
you're taking this way too well.
Well, to be honest Jimmy, we've
seen a lot of weird stuff in the
past. Gun toting ninja...not too
high on the weird scale.
Yes, but very high on the
dangerous scale.
The ninja holds up a piece of paper and offers it to Joe and
I think he wants us to take the
piece of paper. Take it.
Sam grabs the piece of paper from the ninja. The ninja lets
Jimmy go, pushes him to Joe and Sam, looks around, and
throws a smoke bomb down. It fails to go off. There is a
short, awkward beat. Ninja-pirate points out the window.
Joe, Sam and Jimmy look where ninja-pirate pointed. As
they're looking, the ninja-pirate gets away.
That ninja's a damn liar! There's
no bird there at all!
I think I can see it! If you guys
squint real hard, you can see it!
It's like one of those 3-D
puzzles! You know, magic eye!
Joe looks up where the ninja used to be.
Hey...he got away!


But how? We were standing right
Shut up Jimmy. Sam, what does that
paper say?
Sam opens the paper and looks it over.
It's a ransom note...from the BFG.
Fade out on Joe, Sam, and Jimmy. Fade in to the BFG
Headquarters building. Jack and Pigfeed sneak up at a safe
distance. Jack kneels down and takes the backpack off his
back. He searches through it and pulls out a pair of
binoculars. He holds them up to his face and looks through.
That's the BFG HQ alright. You can
see inside. Everybody's in there.
Jack hands the binoculars over to Pigfeed. Pigfeed holds
them up to his face, squints his eyes, and looks through.
How can they fit the entire town
in there? If what you say is true,
and the BFG does have the entire
town under their influence, then
this one building certainly isn't
capable of holding that many
They're not in the building,
they're under it.
Pigfeed lowers the binoculars.
Hmmm....that would explain how so
many people can fit inside...
Underground tunnels. The only
place they have to go is
down...unless they have an
invisible tower.


Jack, I seriously doubt that.
Jack looks into the binoculars then points ahead.
Look, somebody's coming out.
Pigfeed lifts the binoculars to his face and looks through.
The doors of the compound open, and Headmaster Stern, Jiro,
and Blaine exit. Pigfeed passes the binoculars over to Jack.
He looks through. Rob is walking out with the Headmasters.
There's our payday.
That's him?
That's him alright. The
Headmasters are taking him
Let's follow.
Jack shoves the binoculars into the backpack and gets up.
Him and Pigfeed walk off.
Cut back to Joe's kitchen. Joe, Sam and Jimmy are trying to
figure out what to do with the ransom note.
Who has a ninja deliver a letter?
It's not just a letter, it's a
ransom note. I think that makes it
a little more important.
Seriously though: a ninja! I bet
he feels his abilities are being
widely misused.


Sam, it was a ninja-pirate.
Remember the eye patch?
It wasn't a ninja, and it wasn't a
pirate. It was just another cronie
sent out by the BFG and trained to
kill. All he lacked was the
ability to choose the right style.
So what are we going to do about
this ransom? It might be the only
way to get Rob back.
Well, they basically said that
they're going to kill him if we
don't join the BFG. The question
is, do we join so they don't kill
Rob, or do we call their bluff?
I say we pay the money.
Shut up, Jimmy.
We should atleast meet with them
to see if they're bluffing or not.
And if they're not?
Then we go wth Plan B.
Cut to the inside of a darkened forest at night. Jack and
Pigfeed quickly run past bushes and trees. Jack stops for a
second and holds his hand out in front of Pigfeed to get him
to stop as well.
Whoa, wait a second...there's a
light up ahead.
That must be where they went.


The continue running, but only a short distance, they stop
and hide behind nearby trees.
Get your gun out, just in case.
Ahead of them is a small clearing in the trees. In the
clearing, there is a circle of stones with a campire in the
center. The Headmasters, wearing long hooded robes, sit
around the fire. Rob is still with them. He is wearing a
long hooded robe as well, just like the other three
That's our boy. Get the camera
out. I want to document this.
They don't even know we're here.
Pigfeed takes out a small camera and starts taking pictures.
They're doing something...
Inside the circle, the Headmasters stand up, while Rob
remains sitting.
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
My brothers...we have traveled
here to initiate a new member into
our brotherhood. Rise, young one.
Rob stands up.
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
You will now become one of us. You
will know our true secrets, and
learn all there is to know about
the BFG.
Jack is still hiding behind the tree, writing down
Oh man, this is good stuff...
Back in the circle, Headmaster Blaine changes the


                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Before we initiate our newest
Headmaster, how is the hunt for
the nonbelievers going?
Pigfeed turns to Jack, still maintaining his voice to a
Newest Headmaster?
In the circle, Headmaster Stern stands up.
                       HEADMASTER STERN
Very good. They are being lured
into our hands as we speak. They
cannot escape our influence
forever. They will soon be ours.
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Very good.
                       HEADMASTER STERN
Prime is going to personally see
to it that they become part of our
brotherhood. He was right from the
beginning. They've always been a
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Excellent. Very good. Very good...
                       HEADMASTER STERN
I promised I would not fail you,
my master. I have succeeded.
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
You haven't succeeded yet, Stern.
The nonbelievers are still out
                       HEADMASTER STERN
Thier capture is an inevitability.
It will be done.
Headmaster Jiro gives Headmaster Stern a hateful look.
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Let us not quarrel over the
blemish upon our society any
longer. This is supposed to be a
joyous occasion. Our next
Headmaster awaits his title.


Headmaster Blaine walks over to Rob and puts his hand on his
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Are you ready, my son?
I am, my liege.
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Up until now, we were distant. Now
we will be true brothers.
Back in the forest, Pigfeed continues snapping pictures. He
stops and turns to Jack.
You know, something just hit me.
If all the Headmasters are here,
then who's back at the
headquarters? Write that down.
Jack scribbles on his notepad.
Do you think we've overstayed our
A little. Let's just stay a little
while longer. I want to hear more
about what they have to say about
the BFG.
Back in the circle, Headmaster Blaine walks back to his
seat. He raises his hands, then lowers them, signaling the
others to sit down. Headmaster Blaine remains standing.
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
From this point on, you will be
known as Headmaster Janus.
Thank you, my masters.
Rob gets up and bows to the three Headmasters.
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Now for the final phase of your
induction. You will now see our
true faces.


                       HEADMASTER JIRO
We are not who you think we are to
                       HEADMASTER STERN
Forever we have hidden among you.
                       HEADMASTER JIRO
You have shown such dedication and
strength, we can trust you with
our deepest secrets. You are one
of us.
                       HEADMASTER BLAINE
Now, Headmaster Janus, you will
see who we truly are.
Headmaster Blaine slowly removes his hood. The shot is from
behind, and pans in to Rob's face. His eyes open. In the
forest, Jack drops his notepad, and Pigfeed lowers his
camera. They both look in awe with thier jaws dropped.
Get the fuck out of here.
I don't believe what I'm seeing.
Get the camera! Get the camera! We
need to document this.
Pigfeed raises the camera and begins furiously snapping
Those kids do not know what
they're in for.
Cut immediately from the forest to Joe's kitchen. Jack
throws the pictures they took onto the table.
Case closed.
We got everything. Thier
background, thier plans, and thier
real objective.


Sam picks up the pictures and begins looking through them.
Joe and Jimmy look as well.
Did you find Rob?
We found him, too.
These pictures can't be real. You
faked these.
Oh, they're the real deal.
They call themselves The
Brotherhood Of The Fourth Genesis.
They came to town a month ago, and
have been setting up thier
operation this whole time.
But here's the clincher: the
Headmasters are not people.
They're aliens.
Joe looks up at Jack.
Wait, what did you say?
Aliens. Beings from another
planet. Creatures from beyond the
moon. E.T., Mork, The Men In
Black, Chewbacca...I can keep
going on like this.
First of all, the Men In Black
were human beings. Second of all,
they were from Earth. Third of
all, I don't believe any of this.
Believe it, buddy. We saw them
with our own two eyes.


It was like something out of a
movie. They took thier faces off
right in front of us.
And those pictures prove it.
If they're aliens, why are they
brainwashing everybody in town?
It's like that movie, Invasion Of
The Body Snatchers.
Well what do they want our minds
for? Are they looking for
something in us? Are they trying
to create an army of somekind
using human beings?
Sit down, we can explain
Joe, Sam and Jimmy all take seats at the kitchen table. Jack
and Pigfeed stand before them. Jimmy takes the pictures and
looks at them. They are indeed of alien beings.
We followed them from their
Headquarters. They took your
friend out into the woods and had
a small initiation ceremony with
Your friend Rob is a Headmaster
with them now. They called him
Headmaster Janus.
And believe it or not, they've
been around since the thirties.
They've been here since the


Yes. From what we gathered,
Headmasters Blaine, Jiro, and
Stern crashed in Europe just
before World War II.
They stayed there and tried to get
out, but thier space vehicle was
beyond human repair. They didn't
have the technology back then.
Wait a minute, how do you know all
When they initiated your friend,
they told him everything about the
BFG, and everything about
Back then, they tried to fit in
with human society, but with the
impending war, they couldn't
survive, so they had to adapt.
During the war, as Hitler swept
Europe, they did what they could
to fit in without getting killed;
they became Nazis.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute
here: are you saying that they're
Jack and Pigfeed look between one another. At the same time,
they both give a chirpy "yep" to Sam and nod thier heads.
No...no, no, no. That's just too
outlandish to be true. It's too
crazy to be true.
I thought Nazis were extinct.
Like, you know...those guys that
used to live in the arctic...


Yeah, eskimos.
We wish we were lying, but it
seems that we're telling the
But why our town? Why didn't they
just stay in Europe?
They only came here recently, and
when they did, they began the
Fourth Genesis.
What does that even mean? See, you
have to explain things when you
say them. I mean, Nazi-aliens are
pretty much self explanitory.
They're aliens and they don't like
the jews. That's comprehendable.
But the Fourth Genesis? C'mon, we
don't have the cult dictionary
here. That is a new term to me.
Think about it: they absorbed Nazi
culture when they first landed
here. That was the Third Reich.
When they came to America, they
brought the Nazi beliefs with
them. But, since time has changed,
they added thier own rules and
guidelines. Thus, the Fourth
Genesis is born.
They call themselves the
Brotherhood because all members
are equal.
So, Rob is a leading member of a
group run by...Nazi-aliens?
Yep. That pretty much sums it up.


And why are they brainwashing
Ah, here's the real meat of thier
scheme. This is where it starts to
get a little unbelievable.
Too late.
They need the thoughts of human
beings. After they turn a person
into a mindless slave, they can
take thier thoughts and memories
and fabricate them.
And they're using these fabricated
human thoughts as fuel to get back
Obviously. I mean, what else would
they use? Gas prices are
astronomical these days.
I don't think they use petrol to
power thier craft.
Exactly. Unfortunately, they need
most of the town to make the trip
See, what seems really
unbelievable to me, is that you
guys pretty much summed up the
entire history of Nazi-aliens in a
couple of sentences.
Yes...that was rather quick.
We just deliver it as we hear it.


So all the thoughts and memories
of everybody in your town are
going to be wiped out so these
guys can hitch a ride home.
Is it too late?
It may be. That we didn't find
out. All they said was that
they're close to thier quota.
As unbelievable as your story is,
we've got something equally as
unbelievable. Last night, after
you guys left, a ninja-
...a ninja-pirate delievered a
ransom note to us saying that the
BFG Headmasters are going to kill
Rob unless we join them.
They want us to meet them at the
arboretum at sunset today. If we
don't show, he dies.
That can't be true.
He's too valuable to them.
Since when is anything too
valuable to a Nazi?
It's gotta be a trap.
Nonetheless, we need to stop them.
We've decided that we're going to
go meet them and finish this once
and for all.


Sam and Jimmy slowly turn and look at Joe.
Joe, that was last night when we
were dealing with the
ninja-pirates. I think Nazi-aliens
cross the line a bit.
Well we need to do something about
Whoa, whoa, what do you mean we?
Me and Pigfeed are outta here.
What do you mean? Jack, you've got
to stay and help us.
No can do, buddy. The deal was for
me and Pigfeed to find your
missing friend, and we did. Now
our job is done.
We can't do this on our own, Jack.
Sorry, Joe. There's really nothing
more we can do. I don't want to
risk my neck more than I already
I wish we could help, but...Jack's
the one that calls the shots here,
and I need to get back to school.
Personally...what happens in this
town doesn't really affect me.
Just send our check in the mail.
That's the last thing we need from
you guys.


Fine, run away. But we have balls.
Big balls. And we're going after
these Nazis.
Cut to Joe's basement. Sam is loading a suitcase. He unzips
it and throws his clothes in.
...what the hell are you doing?
Well, it's been fun, Joe. I
suggest we skip town. Let's just
get the hell out of here, and wait
for this whole thing to blow over.
Sam, Nazis don't just 'blow over'.
You know how they are. They need
to be taught a lesson.
You're right. I do know how Nazis
are, and they do need to be taught
a lesson. But just what do you
propose we do about them,
Well, we need a plan.
A large thump is heard in the background. Joe and Sam turn
to where the noise came from.
What the hell was that?
It sounded like a loud thump.
Yes, I know what the sound was.
But what what made the sound?
OH! I dunno. But, it didn't sound
friendly whatever it was. Let's go
check it out.
Joe and Sam walk up the basement stairs.


Joe slowly opens the door to his kitchen. He sticks his head
out the door and peaks through.
Joe and Sam slowly walk into the kitchen.
Jimmy, was that you?
Ninja-pirate, did you come back?
Joe slowly tiptoes around his kitchen. He looks right, then
looks left. He turns a corner into another room, and Newkid
pops out from below him and screams. Then Joe screams. Then
Sam screams. Then Jimmy comes out of nowhere and screams.
Don't sneak up on people like
What the hell are you doing here?
How the hell did you even get into
my house?
All the doors were locked, so I
had to break in through one of the
Why the hell are you here?
I escaped! I escaped again! I got
away from them! I got away from
them for good this time!
Yeah, we know. You have a knack
for that...wait a minute, I
thought you were reborn.
That was for the last time.


Good, I'm glad you think so. We
were just packing. We're going to
skip town. You can come with us if
you promise not to be a freak.
Sam, first of all, that's
something that he can never
promise. Second of all, we are not
skipping town. We're going to save
our friend.
Joe turns to Newkid.
We got a ransom note from the BFG
saying that if we don't join them,
they're going to kill our best
Those bastards!
Exactly. We're going to meet them
and rescue him ourselves. We need
all the help we can get. You can
come along if you wish.
I will risk getting caught again,
but if it means taking down some
of those slimy sons'a
bitches...then I'm in!
Awesome! We're in business.
Jimmy walks into the kitchen with his luggage.
Okay guys, I'm ready to go.
Unpack your stuff Jimmy, we're not
skipping town. Joe decided that we
all have to commit suicide.
We're not going to get killed.
We'll be fine. Trust me.


Fade out on Joe, Sam, Jimmy and Newkid. Fade into the
arboretum at sunset. It is very quiet. There is nobody to be
seen. Joe, Sam, Jimmy and Newkid walk down a path in a
wooded area. Newkid is wearing a backpack.
We need a back up plan. This isn't
going to work. They're going to
capture us and force us to join
Stop worrying, Sam. If things get
violent, I'll open a can of
whoop-ass on those mindless
Jimmy, you couldn't open up a can
of beans.
Cut to a clearing in the arboretum with a large tree. A
small band of BFG members have gathered in a section of open
woods. A BFG member walks up to Rob, who is tied to a tree.
                       BFG HOODLUM
Now remember, don't escape. That
will only encourage them.
I have my orders from Headmaster
Stern. I will do what I must.
Joe, Sam, Jimmy and Newkid continue to make thier way
through the wooded area. Joe stops for a second.
Wait a second...there's somebody
up ahead.
I don't know.


They're very close...I can smell
Up ahead, the BFG member who was talking to Rob turns his
                       BFG HOODLUM
They're coming...okay everybody,
The BFG members hide behind bushes and trees. The BFG
hoodlum gives ROB one last direction.
                       BFG HOODLUM
We'll handle them after they're
captured. Stern may want them
dead, but Prime wants them alive.
Remember that.
The BFG hoodlum runs and hides behind a bush.
Joe, Sam, Jimmy and Newkid come to a break in the forest and
There's Rob.
Let's go.
Joe, Sam and Newkid run out into the clearing to Rob, who is
still tied to the tree.
Why would they tie him to a tree?
Jimmy then runs out into the clearing as well. Joe, Sam, and
Newkid run up to Rob.
We've been looking all over for


They're watching us. Don't try to
get me out of here. Save
Bullshit. We're getting you out of
here. Newkid, the knife.
Newkid goes into his backpack and pulls out a large knife.
He hands it to Joe. Joe begins to cut the ropes.
Why did we even trust him with a
Jimmy catches up and runs to them.
You shouldn't have come!
                       BFG HOODLUM
Oh, but I think they should have.
The BFG hoodlum walks out from behind the bush.
                       BFG HOODLUM
Nice try, but he is ours, as you
soon will be as well.
From behind the BFG hoodlum, all the other members come out
from behind bushes and trees. Six in all, including the
                       BFG HOODLUM
As you can see, you are quite
Joe, I think we should get out of
No! I want my revenge!
Joe cuts the ropes, and Rob is freed.
There, now let's get the hell out
of here!


                       BFG HOODLUM
I don't think so. We have direct
orders from the Headmasters to
take you in alive.
The BFG members begin to circle Joe, Sam, Jimmy, Rob, and
                       BFG HOODLUM
You can come peacefully, and
nobody will get hurt.
I suggest we listen to them, guys.
Let's just give ourselves in.
Give ourselves in? Are you crazy?
We've come so far! C'mon, we're
doing a good rescue job.
The BFG members close in on Joe, Sam, Rob, Jimmy and Newkid.
They all raise different weapons. One is holding a large bo
staff, two are holding baseball bats, two are holding
knives, and the hoodlum is unarmed.
Well, I mean...we were until these
guys showed up.
Got any plans?
...piss our pants and run away?
Sounds good to me.
                       BFG HOODLUM
Now! Take them now!
The member with the bo staff runs to Joe and Sam, but before
he can attack, Jimmy runs in front of him and punches him in
the face. The member falls to the ground. Jimmy picks up the
bo staff and twirls it around his body. The other BFG
members stop and slowly back away. They look at eachother as
if asking themselves if it is safe to approach.


Where the hell did that come from?
I was a five year martial arts
student; 3rd level brown belt.
                       BFG HOODLUM
Well? What are you waiting for?
Attack! Bring them down!
The two BFG members with the baseball bats go to attack
Jimmy. He fends them off using his bo staff. They try to
knock him out, but he blocks each hit.
                       BFG HOODLUM
You two! Bring Janus to me!
The two BFG members with the knives run to Rob and throw a
rope around him. They pull the rope up and he falls to the
ground. Newkid runs up to the hoodlum and roundhouses him.
The hoodlum falls to the ground.
                       BFG HOODLUM
Me taken down? This wasn't part of
our plan!
The two members with the knives begin to drag Rob off. Joe
points to them.
They're trying to get away!
The two members with the knives drag Rob behind a tree.
I'll be fine here. Kill the
Rob undoes the ropes and runs away. The two members with the
knives run back to Joe, Sam and Jimmy. Jimmy has the two
members with the baseball bats locked together. He's holding
his bo staff up, and the two members have thier baseball
bats locked parallel with his staff. One of the members with
the knives runs up to him and jabs him in the arm. He
screams and drops the staff. The members with the baseball
bats hit him at the same time. One hits him in the stomach,
knocking the wind out of him, and the other knocks him in
the head. Jimmy falls to the ground and blacks out.


The two members with the baseball bats and the one member
with the knife encircle Joe and Sam.
                       BFG HOODLUM
It's over. You are unarmed. Give
yourselves to us. We promise it
will be painless.
Maybe we should have run away when
we had the chance.
Well, I already pissed my pants,
so I'm halfway there.
The member with the knife pushes Newkid into the circle.
Newkid! C'mon! What happened to
your revenge? You're so close!
                       BFG HOODLUM
It's too late for him.
It's not over yet!
My friends...I'm afraid it is.
The member with the baseball bat hands the bat to Newkid. He
raises it and hits Joe and Sam in the back of the head with
one swipe. Everything goes black.
Fade in to a darkened room. Joe, Sam, Jimmy and Newkid are
tied up to chairs back to back. There is an awkward pause as
soon as the scene sets in.
I blame Jimmy.
I blame Jimmy, too.
But I almost saved us!


Yeah, almost doesn't save our
asses, Jimmy.
The last thing that I remember was
that Jimmy was knocked out on the
ground, and then everything went
Same here.
Newkid, what happened when after
we blacked out?
I was so close...I was so close to
my revenge...I almost had it. They
took me down before I could fight
back. The next thing I knew, I was
We need a plan to get out of here.
Anybody have a match?
Joe, did you not see Indiana Jones
3? They almost burned to death
like this, and I don't all four of
us combined have have the
inginuity to get out of a burning
room tied to chairs, or tied to
chairs at all.
A door opens and two BFG members enter. They walk over to
Newkid and grab ahold of his chair. They begin to drag him
No, no! You can't take me! Not
again! I can't take it anymore!
Not again! Not again!
They drag Newkid out the door screaming.
...and then there were three.


Oh man, we're probably next.
This sucks.
Well, if we had skipped town like
I wanted, then we wouldn't be in
this mess!
We don't even know where we are.
How are we going to get out of
here? We could be miles from home!
Well, let's think: Joe, we've seen
enough movies, how would somebody
get out of a mess like this?
Well, there's no guard. That's a
And the walls aren't coming
together to squish us. That's
Well, these are all good things,
but they aren't going to help us
get out of here. Does anybody have
a cell phone?
I have one, but I'm not making a
call now.
Why not?
During peak hours?! Are you mad?!
Jimmy, if we get out of here
alive, I will destroy you and your
family if you don't call for help.


Get out of here alive? You two are
going to be brainwashed! I'm too
stupid, remember? They can't
brainwash me!
Yeah, they'll probably just kill
HA HA! You're gonna' die!
A window is broken in the background.
What was that?
It sounded like glass breaking.
Jack runs up to Jimmy and puts his hand over his mouth.
Are you mad, you idiot? You'll get
us all killed!
Jack! You came back!
Jack walks over to Joe and begins to untie him.
I couldn't just sit here and let
you two get yourselves killed.
What about me? I would've gotten
killed, too.
I was talking about Sam. Pigfeed,
untie Jimmy.
Pigfeed runs over and begins to untie Jimmy's chair. Jack
finishes and Joe gets up.


Hey, what about me?
Sam, I'm sorry, but there's no
time. We'll have to leave you
What?! That's bull!
Pigfeed finishes untieing Jimmy's chair and moves over to
Don't listen to him. He's lucky we
got in here alive.
Speaking of here, where exactly
are we? We were knocked out when
they took us in here.
We're deep in enemy territory. The
BFG Headquarters.
And if you guys want to get out of
here alive, you're going to need
I brought all of you guns. You
know how to use them, right?
Jack hands out guns to Jimmy, Joe, then Sam. Sam grabs his
out of Jack's hand.
Do I know how to use them? Ha!
Joe, how many times did we beat
Halo on Legendary?
Twenty two and a half.
Yep, twenty two and a half.
Good, then we can just get the
hell out of here.


What? No, we can't leave. We need
to rescue our friends.
And I need to find Alex!
Do you really think we'll make it
out of here alive if we look for
We don't have a choice.