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by Ashby (devalus@gmail.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: *
Young Eric and Ian have been rivals for the longest time. But when a new student comes in to steal their thunder, it's up to the two to form an unlikely alliance to overcome this greater evil.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


The alarm clock goes off at 7:00 AM. ERIC, typical tired
teenager, grumbles as he struggles to turn it off, then
quickly ends up unplugging the clock. He covers up in his
blanket again and attempts falling asleep. A second alarm
clock goes off, and causes ERIC to slump out of bed and
shove the clock off the desk.
                       ERIC (v.o.)
If anyone should die a slow and
gruesome death, it's the guy who
decided school should start at 8
in the morning.
ERIC sighs and gathers clean clothes. He goes into the
hallway, but hears the second alarm go off again. With a
heavy groan, he runs back into his room and unplugs the
second clock.
ERIC exits his house, and adjusts his backpack. He stretches
and yawns, then proceeds to walk along the sidewalk to the
bus stop. As ERIC whistles to himself with hands in his
pockets, a tall and very energetic boy, IAN, runs past ERIC,
smacking him on the back.
      (while running by)
Loser buys lunch today!
ERIC chases after IAN as they race along the sidewalk.
                       ERIC (v.o.)
That's Ian. He's, well...an idiot.
But, we've known each other a
really long time, so I guess we
could be considered really good


      (still running)
I'm gonna kill you, numbnuts!
ERIC and IAN end in a tie for their race. They are greeted
by MELVIN (child genius).
Ah, the "Dynamic Duo" almost
misses the bus yet again.
      (looks at watch)
Less than a minute...
      (puts arms around
Melvin...buddy...my man...my -
No, you can't copy my math
Ha! You didn't do the math?
Bernhart's gonna kill you!
Yeah, I was too busy actually
TALKING with girls! Think I've got
a date on Wednesday!
With who, the cafeteria lady?
Honestly, you've got the charm of
a llama turd.


I swear, the rivalry that you two
share. To think I'm stuck in the
middle of it...
      (struggles against
       IAN's poking)
No, you can't copy my homework!
The bus arrives and comes to a stop. The doors open.
ERIC and IAN place their books on their desks and sit down.
A male student whispers to ERIC and IAN.
                       MALE STUDENT
There's some new kid here today.
All I heard was the name Chris.
You guys hear anything?
Chris? Sounds like some fat guy
that lives for attention and
Burger King.
                       MR. BERNHART
      (opens the door
       and walks into
Mornin', idiots... I'd like to
introduce a new kid. A pretty one,
so treat her nice or I'll whack ya
faster than you can say, "common
denominator". Christine, but you
all can call her Chris. Get in


A stunningly beautiful, blonde female enters the room in
seemingly slow motion. She flashes a stunning smile and ERIC
is dumbfounded. IAN smirks and motions her to an empty seat
next to him. She rolls her eyes and sits in another seat.
IAN can't believe this and ERIC is barely able to contain
his laughter.
       clenching fist)
This means war!
                       MR. BERNHART
Hey, Dumb and Dumber! Do I have to
come back there and pop a decimal
point into your sorry asses!? Cut
the giggling, fist-clenching crap!
      (the class laughs)
Anyways, now we'll be moving on to
Chapter 13...
MR. BERNHART continues incoherently as the class continues.
ERIC and IAN attempt to answer questions, but CHRISTINE
quickly calls out the answer and solves the problem on the
board. MR. BERNHART nods and claps, patting her on the back.
ERIC and IAN hang their heads in shame.
ERIC pours pepper all over CHRISTINE's food tray. He turns
around to see a large bully staring him down.
ERIC now hangs on a locker from his shirt as CHRISTINE and
the bully high-five each other.
IAN pours a chemical into CHRISTINE's beaker. He snickers
and returns to his table. Soon afterwards, the teacher
laughs and pats CHRISTINE on the back. IAN looks confused,
and then his beaker explodes. CHRSTINE looks back to him
with a diabolical grin. IAN appears frightened as the
teacher starts yelling at him.


ERIC and IAN cross paths and grab each other's arms with
widened eyes.
She's a demon!
That's too nice, man! She's the
I'll totally get her back. You
just wait!
Not before I do, punk!
ERIC and IAN simply cannot thwart CHRISTINE and, by the end
of the day, they are completely humiliated. As they enter
the bus to go home, a group of kids along with CHRISTINE are
laughing at them.
ERIC, IAN, and MELVIN sit together. MELVIN sits in the
middle calmly, while ERIC and IAN appear exhausted, sweaty
and dirty.
                       ERIC & IAN
I give up!
Look, if you guys are gonna get so
worked up over pranking some girl,
you should at least work together!
      (points to IAN)
With him? He'd just get in the
way! Screw things up like he
always does!


Oh yeah, I'm the guy who broke the
Nintendo the week after we saved
up to buy one!
Hey, why don't you just -
Guys, guys, come on! Need I remind
you of how you guys met me? You
both teamed up to save me from
those bullies! You remember. You
both couldn't stand those guys
beating me up. You guys, don't you
As ERIC and IAN pause to consider, the bus comes to a sudden
stop and the doors open. Students begin exiting the bus.
      (grabs backpack)
I'm going home. See ya.
Yeah, get outta here. I'll walk
you home, Mel. C'mon.
      (adjusts glasses)
Melvin! My name is Melvin! Most
stubborn people ever...
ERIC lies back in his chair watching television. He is also
flipping through a gaming magazine.
                       ERIC (v.o.)
I have to admit, Melvin had a
point...but I absolutely couldn't
allow my pride to be damaged by
working together with the llama


The television suddenly changes into the news channel and a
reporter begins to speak.
                       NEWS REPORTER (on TV)
We interrupt this special program
to inform you that Eric Young
sucks and he fails at life!
      (shuts magazine)
What the!?
CHRISTINE's high-pitched laughter is heard coming from the
television. ERIC looks absolutely terrified.
                       NEWS REPORTER (on TV)
We've also received word that
lovely, perfect Christine has
taken over the video game industry
and is discontinuing the popular
franchise! There will be more on
this later as -
ERIC screams and drops his magazine frantically as he runs
IAN lies on his bed, talking on the phone.
So, are we still on for Wednesday?
...why not? ...you're going to the
mall with that witch!? How can -
The girl hangs up on him and IAN slaps his forehead in
frustration. IAN proceeds to hang up his phone. He looks
around his room at the various posters he has of
scantily-clad women. They all seem to speak to him.
                       POSTER GIRL #1
You could be with me on the beach
right now, but I guess you're
doomed to be a loser forever, hmm?


                       POSTER GIRL #2
Why make out with you, when I can
just make your life miserable?
Isn't that right, Chris?
CHRISTINE appears in the poster and laughs at IAN. She takes
both POSTER GIRL #1 and POSTER GIRL #2 arm in arm, and walks
                       CHRISTINE (o.s.)
Have fun dating the chubby,
pimple-infested, ugly girls! You
and little Eric have SO much to
look forward to!
IAN screams and stumbles off the bed. He quickly gets up,
shakes his head, and quickly picks up the phone and dials.
                       ERIC (on phone)
I had ... the most frightening
                       ERIC (on phone)
It can't be worse than mine! She
destroyed video games and any hope
I had of doing well in life! What
did you see?
Well, she ... well ...
She was a lesbian!
                       ERIC (on phone)
What!? Ian, here I am scared out
of my skull, and you're talking
about girls -


Never mind! W-we gotta do
something about Chris and fast!
I'll do anything at this point!
Meet you tomorrow at the bus stop,
see ya!
IAN runs out the door into the hallway where he quickly
stops to look at a framed picture on the wall. It shows a
younger ERIC and IAN together at an amusement park with
smiling faces.
Alright, little buddy, we're gonna
make this girl wish she never
attempted stealing my dream
celebrities! There'll be BLOOD to
                       IAN'S MOM (o.s.)
I'll spill YOUR blood if you don't
go back to bed! Do I have to walk
over there and PUT you to sleep?
Ah, yeah...my bad.
                       ERIC (v.o.)
Our roles were set. This would be
a day long remembered. Ian and I
teamed up to form the perfect
ERIC approaches CHRISTINE in the hallway alone.
What do YOU want?
Hey, uh, Chris... I, uh, I really
think we started off badly, and I
just wanted to apologize for being
an idiot...


Ah...so after having your pranks
thrown back in your face
repeatedly, you finally give up?
Really, I'm sorry about all that.
I was just trying to get Ian's
attention. I've always wanted to
be better than him, you know?
So that's why, huh? I always
thought you two had a crush on
each other or something. So now
that you've apologized, can you
Actually, I wanted to ask if you
wanted to come over to my house
after school.
Where do you live, behind a
dumpster? I don't have time for
That's too bad. You could've gone
to the movies with me and Brad...
      (nearly drops
Brad!? Brad Burman!? You-you're
friends with him? Really?
We go way back. We were gonna
study a bit, then maybe catch a


I'll come over after school! You
better not be lying or I'll beat
you to the point of no return!
ERIC approaches BRAD (popular, tan-skinned and bleach-haired
boy) who is sitting on the couch.
Now remember, dude, I'm only doing
this so I can copy your science
homework for the rest of the year.
I can't stand that girl.
Just play it cool. It's all part
of the master plan!
The doorbell rings.
Alright! Go, Brad. Show off your
      (walks towards
Man, oh man.
BRAD opens the door and CHRISTINE is dressed very nicely.
She shyly approaches BRAD.
Hi there, Brad! I never knew you
were friends with Eric! I'm sorry
for teasing him so much, but I'd
love to study with you and -


This is perfect! Chris won't know
what hit her! You've got the water
balloons ready, right?
Oh yeah. You've got the camera,
correct? With photos of this
humiliation, we'll get our
reputation back! Haha! Revenge is
too sweet, man!
The doorbell rings. ERIC and IAN look wide-eyed to each
BRAD opens the door to see who is at the door. MELVIN is
Um...do I have the wrong house?
Hey, it's the super dork from
school! Trying to find a new math
book to memorize?
Hey, um... he's a cousin of mine,
try not to be so -
What, you're Little Nerdy's
cousin? Hah, this is too much.
Wait until the guys hear about
ERIC is shown peeking down the stairs. He motions IAN to
stop and shakes his head.


What do you guys do, watch science
fiction all day? Haha, your
popularity has ended by admitting
HE'S your cousin.
ERIC jumps down with a water gun. CHRISTINE gasps as she
knows she's going to be humiliated. Unexpectedly, ERIC
blasts BRAD continuously with a high-powered water gun.
MELVIN moves out of the way as BRAD runs out the front door
soaking wet.
IAN's head pokes out the upstairs window and drops water
balloons filled with soda. MELVIN runs out and takes a
picture of BRAD running and screaming.
The operation was successful!
You mean, the intention wasn't to
prank me?
      (walks down the
Nope, you know what they say. If
you can't beat 'em, join 'em!
      (takes ERIC's gun
       and blasts IAN)
And you know you can't beat me.
Race you to the movies!
CHRISTINE quickly runs off laughing.
God, I love that woman. Looks like
we've got a new rival. Hey wait a
- MELVIN! Why didn't you tell us
she was your cousin?


      (adjusts glasses)
You didn't ask...
You little punk! You owe me so
much math homework, it's not even
funny! Get back here!
IAN chases after MELVIN out the door, leaving ERIC.
Oh man...
      (looking around)
Who's gonna clean all this up?
                       ERIC (v.o.)
And so, there you have it. A new
rival was brought into what was
originally two people fighting for
the most attention. And what we
originally -
                       IAN (v.o.)
Okay, you've talked long enough. I
wanna tell people how my charm is
totally getting to Chris.
                       ERIC (v.o.)
What? Go frolick somewhere, moron!
I'm busy here!
More incoherent arguing is heard as it shows the four
friends walking off through the neighborhood.


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From Sean Elwood Date 7/13/2005 0 stars
It wasn't at all funny and the ending was kind of out of left field as Joe said.

From joe Date 6/13/2005 **
Two biggest complaints: The characters all seem the same, and the surprise ending is kind of out of left field.

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