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Action Jackson
by Garrett (gspfilms@aol.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Action/Adventure   User Review: **
He always dreamed of becoming an Action Hero, but when he is given the chance, does he have what it takes?

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



The scene starts with a few shots of suburban streets.
Quiet, peaceful. Everything is dark. It is late at night. A
shot of the sky reveals a bright moon. Another shot of a
street, and somebody quickly runs by, quietly.
A change in camera view and we are now following the man as
he is running down a street, He is dressed in all black with
dark tennis shoes on. His face is covered by a dark
ski-mask, and in his hand is a large sack with a "$" sign on
The camera follows the man as he approaches a fence. With
one swift movement he pulls himself up and over. As he does,
an object falls out of his front pocket. The camera catches
up with him on the other side of the fence. He continues
running. Over another fence, and he is standing in front of
a house with its lights out.
The man takes out a rather large flashlight. He snoops
around the house, looking at the doors and windows. As he
inspects one window the camera gets a glipse of a gun in his
back pocket. Soon the robber finds what he is looking for, a
box with all the electronics controlling the security
system. However, the ROBBER suddenly notices he's missing
My screw driver! Where's my
This loud, unprofessional outburst turns on a
noise-activated light. The ROBBER quickly ducks into a bush
as he is frightened by the light. He emerges from the bush
with a screwdriver in his hand.
Now that's lucky!
The robber pries open the electronics box, and fiddles with
some wires. Soon, one of the green LEDs inside the box goes
out. He closes the box, and walks to a window. Using the
screwdriver he is able to pry it open. He squrims through
the opening into the house.


Once inside the house, he takes a moment to look around.
Then he sees it. A giant gem in a glass case on top of a
viewing stand. He starts to walk towards it, but notices
that there are lasers guarding it that sense movement.
      (surprised but
Lasers that sense movement! Damn!
The ROBBER takes a step forward again, but the lasers start
to move.
      (surprised but
Oh man!
He gets a sense of the rhythm and then does several arobic
moves to dodge the lasers. Soon he is at the display case.
He calmly takes off the glass incasing, and replaces the gem
with a bag of sand. He reverses his moves and comes out of
the lasers with the gem in the hand.
That was too easy...hmmmm?
The ROBBER turns around and as he does someone comes down
the stairs, and turns the light on. It is a man in his
                       MAN IN PAJAMAS
      (sees what robber
       is doing)
Hey what are you doin'!
The ROBBER quickly whips out his gun and with a bang the MAN
IN PAJAMAS is on the floor grasping his bloody leg.
                       MAN IN PAJAMAS
      (in pain)
Oh no! I'm shot! Who will save me
and my riches?
      (exiting through
No one! Ha ha ha!
Suddenly, the ROBBER is pulled back through the window. He
lands at the feet of JACKSON.


                       JACK JACKSON
      (macho voice)
Not so fast!
The ROBBER tries to run away, but JACKSON catches his arm.
                       JACK JACKSON
      (pointing to gem)
Return the stolen good!
      (to MAN IN PAJAMAS)
Quick. Call the police. This man
has commited a serious crime.
The MAN IN PAJAMAS is apparently okay now with no trace of
injury whatsoever.
                       MAN IN PAJAMAS
      (running to phone)
Yes sir, Mr. Action Jackson. Right
Quickly, the ROBBER tosses the gem into the air and whips
out his gun. JACKSON grabs the man's arm holding the gun and
points it up. A shot rings out. JACKSON knees the man in the
gut but the gun flies away. They both fall to the floor to
try and get the gun first. Suddenly, JACKSON appears with
the gun in his hand.
                       JACK JACKSON
      (pointing gun at
Freeze! Petty thief!
      (confused at
       Jackson's speed)
MAN IN PAJAMAS returns, pointing at the gem which is somehow
still flying through the air.
                       MAN IN PAJAMAS
The gem! Get it!
JACKSON quickly runs towards the falling gem. He dives to
save it from shattering upon the floor.
                       JACK JACKSON
      (slow motion,


Jackson catches the gem in his hands, and quickly gets up to
find the ROBBER gone.
                       MAN IN PAJAMAS
Oh no! He's getting away!
JACKSON turns to see the ROBBER squeeze back out the window.
Calmly, JACKSON hands the gem to the MAN IN PAJAMAS.
                       JACK JACKSON
      (handing gem back)
Don't worry about it, I set a bear
trap up outside the window.
There is a loud snap, then a scream.
                       JACK JACKSON
      (macho voice)
Well, its about time I meander my
way outta here...
JACKSON exits out the front door, only to find several
reporters with cameras awaiting him. He smiles and waves at
a group pf groupies. A REPORTER approaches him.
       microphone up to
Roy Peters here from channel 9
news, you've done it again. You've
helped stop a crime in progress.
What do you have to say?
                       JACK JACKSON
      (into microphone)
Well Roy, I'd like to thank all my
supporters. Kids stay in school,
don't do drugs. Stealing is wrong,
and that's my motivator. Stealin's
for wussies.
Strong words from Haverenton's
strongest hero. Back to Jake in
our studios.
The flashes of camera reflect off of JACKSON's face. A
groupie runs up to JACKSON with a piece of paper and a pen.


Mr. Jackson, can I have your
autograph? You're awesome!
                       JACK JACKSON
      (taking pen and
You sure can kiddo, but remember
what I always say?
Stealin's for wussies!
                       JACK JACKSON
      (signing paper)
That's right. Here you go.
The GROUPIE looks at the paper with admiration.
Oh thank's Mr. Jackson! You're the
greatest!. I wish I could be like
you! So strong, so smart. You're
my hero!
JACKSON just keeps smiling and waving.
Suddenly JACKSON wakes up in his bed. It was all a dream.
Lazily, he looks at his alarm clock. It reads 7:58 AM.
JACKSON lays in bed awhile, then finally realizes what time
it is. He leaps out of bed.
                       JACK JACKSON
Crap! I'm late!
The camera gets a few slices of JACKSON during his morning
routine; getting dressed, taking a shower, eating breakfast,
brushing his teeth. When JACKSON is trying to make a lunch
for work, the doorbell rings. He walks to the front door. As
he is walking the doorbell keeps ringing.
                       JACK JACKSON
      (walking to front
All right! All right! I'm coming,


JACKSON opens the front door. It is his slightly geeky but
very annoying neighbor, EDWARD GOOGLEBOP.
                       EDWARD GOOGLEBOP
      (naisily voice)
Uh...hey there neighbor. Got a
little time to spare? Huh?
                       JACK JACKSON
      (trying to button
Not exactly, I'm late.
                       EDWARD GOOGLEBOP
      (lets himself
No matter. This, uh, sneak preview
if you may, will only take a mere
five minutes of your time. Surely
you have-
                       JACK JACKSON
Sorry Edward, I got to go.
                       EDWARD GOOGLEBOP
      (getting desperate)
This invention of mine is truely
great, even you'll agree I think.
EDWARD pushes his way through the door and reveals what
looks like a bottle of oil. The label reads NOX Fuel.
                       EDWARD GOOGLEBOP
You see, huh? I've, uh, fused the
nitrous oxide molecules with those
of common ethanol in a simple
biparamidal complex ion I call
noxenol. When this noxenol
undergoes its exothermic reduction
                       JACK JACKSON
Okay! Okay! Give it to me! I'll
try it. Just GO AWAY!


                       EDWARD GOOGLEBOP
Ha ha! Success! My first customer!
That'll, uh, be twenty one fifty.
I take cash, checks or-
JACKSON proceeds to push EDWARD out the door, while taking
his newest invention.
                       JACK JACKSON
I'm not paying for nuthin'. How do
I know its safe? Have you even
tested it?
                       EDWARD GOOGLEBOP
      (pushing back
       through door)
Its safe, I promise. I promise!
Or, or...or your money back! Yes!
Great promotional strategy Edward!
                       JACK JACKSON
      (pushing back)
                       EDWARD GOOGLEBOP
Why that's a valid point, I don't
want you dying since you're my
principle, uh, only
JACKSON finally pushes his neighbor out the front door, and
closes it fast.
                       JACK JACKSON
      (locking door)
Goodbye Edward!
                       EDWARD GOOGLEBOP
I'm sure if we signed some sort of
contract of liability I won't be
held liabile for a thing. But as
to where we can, uh, aquire these
forms I am not aware. Now what do
you have to say about that, huh?
EDWARD looks up to see that JACKSON is gone and he is
standing alone on the front porch.


                       EDWARD GOOGLEBOP
Alright fine, no agreement. But
just in case I'll check back in
half an hour...Jack?
Feeling rejected, EDWARD leaves.
The scene opens in a desolate suburban street. The camera
changes views and is now infront of a house. A car zooms
onscreen and comes to a quick halt infront of the house.
This car is JACKSON's and he is waiting for his carpool
buddy, Andrew. JACKSON blares the horn.
ANDREW comes running out of the house. He is not in his work
clothes. He is wearing a Star-Trek shirt. He gets halfway to
the car parked in the street before he notices the door is
open. He turns around and walks back up to the door, making
sure to lock it this time. He returns to the car, and gets
into the passenger's seat. He pulls two tickets out of his
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Guess what today is! Guess!
                       JACK JACKSON
The Star Trek convention. You're
not skipping work again, are you?
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Yeah. So are you! I got us both
tickets. And I already called us
in absent.
                       JACK JACKSON
What! Ahhhhhhhhh! I'm surrounded
by geeks!
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
I prefer the term science guru.
                       JACK JACKSON
Ahhh! There are times that you
frustrate me Andrew. NOW IS ONE OF


                       ANDREW ROBINSON
I'm soooooo hyper! I can't wait,
can you? It's like in Episode 36
when that planet is having that
bidimensional rift? Remember?
ANDREW starts bouncing as JACKSON starts the car.
                       JACK JACKSON
Stop bouncing! You're like a
freakin' kid.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
No, I'm a Tribble.
JACKSON stops the car.
                       JACK JACKSON
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Alright geeze. Someone woke up on
the wrong side of the Quisar
Nebula today.
JACKSON continues driving.
                       JACK JACKSON
      (to himself)
The things I put up with...
The camera watches as the car drives away.
The scene starts with s shot of JACKSON's car driving on a
remote roadway. Buildings are few and far between. JACKSON
looks lost. ANDREW is trying to read a map.
                       JACK JACKSON
      (not excited at
I think we made a wrong turn.
Thank goodness for that.


                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (looking at map)
Shhh! I'm trying to use my Glymar
Reasoning technique to figure this
JACKSON looks at the map and then takes it from ANDREW'S
hands and flips it over.
                       JACK JACKSON
Well, for one thing Captain
Picard, you've got the map upside
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
So that's why the town names were
                       JACK JACKSON (surprised)
      (to ANDREW)
It's a map. Duh!
ANDREW looks in the review mirror, he sees a car
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Hey, here comes another car. Maybe
they could help us...
JACKSON just stares at ANDREW.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
JACKSON continues to stare.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Aren't you gonna go?
                       JACK JACKSON
It's your thing man!
Reluctantly ANDREW exits the car and tries to flag down the
approaching car, but it doesn't slow.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
They're not slowing down. Maybe
they don't see us. Pull the car
into the street a little!
                       JACK JACKSON
Are you crazy?


                       ANDREW ROBINSON
He won't hit you. I give you my
Klingon Loyalty Oath.
ANDREW makes a gesture, and JACKSON inches the car into the
middle of the road. The oncoming car doesn't slow.
                       JACK JACKSON
Oh crap!
At the last minute, JACKSON tries to put the car into
reverse but instead it gets stuck in neutral. The oncoming
car swerves a bit and nips the end of JACKSON's car, making
JACKSON shake a little.
                       JACK JACKSON
Did he just hit me?
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (looking down the
He should stop.
The car doesn't stop.
                       JACK JACKSON
Quick Andrew. Get in! We're gonna
follow this jerk.
ANDREW clumsily gets into the car, hitting his head on the
way in. JACKSON starts after the other car. ANDREW attempts
to put his seat belt on, but he keeps missing the clip.
ANDREW becomes frustrated and afraid.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Ahhhhhh! I'm not wearing a
seatbelt! Stop the car!
                       JACK JACKSON
You think I'm stupid? You'll fly
through the windshield!
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
                       JACK JACKSON
Then I might loose 'em.
JACKSON drives faster.


                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Did you hear anything I just said?
JACKSON quickly applies his brakes. ANDREW slides forward
and collides with the dashboard.
                       JACK JACKSON
Oh sorry, I thought you would have
figured out something as simple as
ANDREW peels himself off the dash and gets back into his
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Shut up! You're lucky I don't sue
you! Why didn't you slow down! We
could've been killed!
JACKSON pauses as he takes a second to determine whether or
not he should continue his pursuit.
                       JACK JACKSON
Do you want some cheese to go with
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
JACKSON makes up his mind and slams the accelerator.
                       JACK JACKSON
Buckle up! Now!
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
I hate you Jackson!
ANDREW quickly follows orders and JACKSON continues driving
after the mysterious runnaway.
JACKSON is now driving into a neighborhood, following the
mysterious car at a safe distance. ANDREW is still in the
passenger seat, somewhat more relaxed now.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
We've been following this guy for
20 minutes! We're gonna miss
William Shatner's autograph


                       JACK JACKSON
Boo hoo! There's always next year.
JACKSON spots the mysterious car pulling over to the side of
a road in front of a house. JACKSON slows down, and parks on
the same side of the street about a block away.
                       JACK JACKSON
      (parking car)
Look! The car is stopping infront
of that house. Stay here.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
What! You got us lost on the way
to the convention and you want me
to stay in the car? That's not
                       JACK JACKSON
      (getting out of
       the car)
Okay, fine. But be quiet. Not a
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Ay ay, Captain!
JACKSON kicks ANDREW in the shin.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (in pain)
Ahhh! Why'd you do that for?
                       JACK JACKSON
You only seem to listen when pain
is inflicted against you.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Okay, I get it. You think I'm
annoying? Right?
                       JACK JACKSON
JACKSON locks the car and the two friends start walking
towards the house that the mysterious car was parked in
front of.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
If I could I'd vaporize you! Si'
tok ank ootn!


                       JACK JACKSON
Oh no! I've been insulted in
Klingon. I feel so hurt.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
                       JACK JACKSON
JACKSON stops in front of the house. He pauses to think.
                       JACK JACKSON
Should we ring the bell?
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Are you kidding? Do you want to
get shot?
ANDREW sees a side gate open.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (pointing at gate)
Look. We can sneak in back. Maybe
we can get a look at what these
people look like so we can
describe 'em to the cops.
                       JACK JACKSON
Why don't we just call the cops
now and report a hit-and-run?
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Wow, that makes a lot more sense.
You should join the Federation
Logic club!
                       JACK JACKSON
I'll pass. Let me have your cell.
ANDREW hands JACKSON his cell phone. JACKSON dials the
police and gets an automated voice.
                       AUTOMATED POLICE VOICE
Thank you for calling the
Haverenton Police station where
our slogan is "We Don't Have the
Time So Please list Your Crime".
Using your touch-tone phone please
describe the nature of your


                       AUTOMATED POLICE VOICE (cont'd)
emergency so we can transfer you
the the right department.
JACKSON gives the "thumbs up" sign to ANDREW.
                       AUTOMATED POLICE VOICE
Please press 1 now if you have
commited murder. Press 2 now if
you have commited suicide. Press 3
now if you have less than 5
minutes to live. Press 4 now if
you robbed a bank. Press 5 now if
you'd like to report a traffic
violation. Press 6 now if you have
violated international copyright
JACKSON quickly presses 5.
                       AUTOMATED POLICE VOICE
You will be transferred to the
Department for Trafic Violations.
Please wait.
A really lame song comes can be heard while JACKSON is being
placed on hold. Suddenly the music stops, and JACKSON looks
at the phone to see if it is working. As he pulls the phone
away from his ear, the music starts again. He places the
phone back against his ear, and the music stops. Once again
he looks at the phone, and the music starts again. He gets
angry and decides to live without music.
                       AUTOMATED POLICE VOICE
Thank you for waiting on hold. We
apoligize for any out-of-style
songs or folk music. You are being
connected now to a investigator.
Please wait.
There is a loud beeping sound, than a click.
                       POLICE PHONE OPERATOR (not enthused)
      (audio only)
Hello, Officer Watson speaking.
How may I help you?
                       JACK JACKSON
I'd like to report a hit-and-run.
                       POLICE PHONE OPERATOR
Alright sir. Do you have the
license plate number?


                       JACK JACKSON
Yes, it was 511-98K.
                       POLICE PHONE OPERATOR
Okay sir. I'm going to need a
description of the driver.
                       JACK JACKSON
What? Why? I don't know. Can't you
just look up the license plate
                       POLICE PHONE OPERATOR
Sorry sir. We don't know if the
person driving the vehicle at the
time of the accident was the owner
of the car. We don't want to
accuse innocent people, now do we?
                       JACK JACKSON
      (getting angry)
That's the most ludicrous thing
I've ever heard.
                       AUTOMATED POLICE VOICE
Please sir, don't raise your tone
of voice. I'm only trying to help.
                       JACK JACKSON
No you're not! Youu haven't even
asked me my name yet. What kind of
police officer are you?
                       POLICE PHONE OPERATOR
A lazy one. Call back when you
really have something of
importance to report.
With that, the phone call ends with a click. ANDREW looks at
                       JACK JACKSON
Looks like we'll have to do our
own dirty work.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
You mean a Delta Attack Formation
like in Episode 20?


                       JACK JACKSON
I have no idea what you're talking
about. Just go and ring the
doorbell. I'll sneak in back. Keep
them occupied.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Yes sir!
ANDREW skips off in the direction of the front door.
                       JACK JACKSON
What a fruit!
JACKSON quickly runs to the open side gate. He enters the
backyard, but pauses, and waits for ANDREW to ring the door.
                       JACK JACKSON
Ring the doorbell moron!
ANDREW comes running back to JACKSON.
                       JACK JACKSON
What the heck are you doing?
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
I thought you were giving me the
signal to abandon ship. But there
was no ship to abandon so I ...
                       JACK JACKSON
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Okay, yes sir! But what's the
signal if thay stop being
                       JACK JACKSON
Just ring the doorbell again or
something. I don't know.
ANDREW runs back to the door. He presses the doorbell and as
the door opens, waves to JACKSON while smiling. JACKSON
ducks out of view, while cursing. JACKSON enters the
backyard. He sees the backdoor, and walks over to it. He
sees two men inside. They both go towards the front door.
JACKSON finds the back door unlocked.


                       JACK JACKSON
      (to himself)
Hmmmm. That's lucky.
Jackson snoops around in the house until he is out of view.
The scene starts with a shot of JACKSON coming out of the
bathroom. Suddenly, the doorbell rings again, signalling
that ANDREW has not kept the house's occupants distracted.
Quickly JACKSON ducks into what he thinks is a closet. A
HENCHMAN walks by, unsuspecting to answer the door again.
                       HENCHMAN #1
      (answering door)
Now what?
JACKSON turns around to see that he is not hiding in a
closet, but the stairs to the basement. He follows them down
into the dark basement. He turns on a light and is astounded
by what he finds: a pile of stolen goods and petty cash.
                       JACK JACKSON
JACKSON quickly notices his mistake of talking too loud, and
covers his mouth. Unknowingly to JACKSON, the other
inhabitance of the house hear his shout. Luckily they do not
know where it came from.
Upstairs, SYLVESTER and one of his henchmen are washing the
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
      (to HENCHMAN #2)
Did you just say, "wicked"?
                       HENCHMAN #2
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Yes you did! I heard it.
                       HENCHMAN #2
I didn't Mr. Slick, I didn't!


                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Well somebody did. Who says
"wicked" anyway? Its horribly
                       HENCHMAN #2
Yes sir. I agree.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
You agree with everything I say,
don't you?
                       HENCHMAN #2
Yes sir!
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
That's the problem with you
henchmen! You never have any
individuality. Its always yes sir
this or yes sir that. How can you
call yourself a person if you
don't act like an individual?
                       HENCHMAN #2
Well sir, I don't even have a
name. I'm just "henchman" or
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
You know! I think you're right. If
we are more supportive of
eachother's individuality, then we
might get things done quicker.
From now on, you are "Hank".
                       HENCHMAN #2
I don't know if I can get used to
that sir!
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
You're supposed to agree with me,
                       HENCHMAN #2
Right, sorry. Yes sir, from now on
I am Henry.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
It's Hank.
                       HENCHMAN #2


HENCHMAN #1 returns from answering the door the second time.
                       HENCHMAN #1
Its just that damn kid again sir.
Its as if he's trying to distract
us or something.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Right! Go check on the goods, I've
got a feeling you will arrive at a
convinient time.
HENCHMEN #1 exits down the stairs.
                       HENCHMAN #2
      (washing dishes
What about me?
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
What about you?
                       HENCHMAN #2
How can I ever reach my full
potential washing dishes?
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Beats me, but somebody's got to do
the dirty work.
BRENT enters.
                       BRENT BOONE
Sylvester, there's someone on the
phone for you.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Thank you. I'll take it in my
BRENT leads SYLVESTER away to his office.
                       HENCHMAN #2
Awww man! This sucks.
JACKSON is now hiding from the henchman who has now entered
the basement.
                       JACK JACKSON
How convinient.


The HENCHMEN sits down and begins checking over the stolen
goods. He begins counting the money.
                       HENCHMAN #1
      (counting money)
One, two, three, four, five, six,
uh.........seven, eight, nine...
JACKSON in his hiding place tries to get comfortable. As he
does, SYLVESTER comes down the stairs.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Well, is it all accounted for?
                       HENCHMAN #1
I think so, I'm counting the money
now. Where was I? Oh yes,
thirteen, fourteen....
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Yes, exquisite. Hahaha! I'm so
evil! I see my triumph. My
The HENCHMAN raises his hand.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
                       HENCHMAN #1
      (staring into
Oh sorry, I forgot my question.
The HENCHMAN goes back to counting the money, then raises
his hand again.
                       HENCHMAN #1
Oh! Oh! I've got a question Mr.
Slick. What are you gonna do with
all the money?
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Well, since nobody else seems to
be here I'll tell you. With this
money, I plan to buy an atomic
bomb! Yes! Exquisite! With this
bomb I can force the government to
give me even more money! Hahahaha!
I can't lose. Evil is good...and
good is BAD!
JACKSON gets a surprised look on his face.


                       JACK JACKSON
So that's what's going down. Its a
good thing I was here at this
exact moment.
SYLVESTER continues to talk.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
I can see it now! Yes when I go
see Abba Gabba in Seria! That will
be my shining moment. My shining
moment. My shining moment. My
Shining moment...
                       ABBA GABBA
      (middle eastern
Praise Allah that you have safely
completed your journey to my
humble home in the great nation of
Syria. I am at your service. How
may I help you?
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Well oh great Abba Gabba. I heard
you were in the business of
selling weapons of mass
destruction. I'm currently in the
business of purchasing weapons of
mass destruction.
ABBA GABBA seems to have become offended.
                       ABBA GABBA
Shhhhh! Don't mutter those words.
They are like poison to my ears.
Mention those words and it is
likely that you will be arrested!
We use Boom Booms instead.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
      (thinking ABBA is
Okaaaaaaaaaay. I'm here to buy
some boom booms.
                       ABBA GABBA
Well, why didn't you say so? We've
got good deals for you! In fact
we're having a sale on all
plutonium! Two for the price of


                       ABBA GABBA (cont'd)
one! Or how about some anthrax! It
may have beeen that agent of
choice a decade ago, but it is
still good. Money back guarantee!
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
I want the biggest boom boom
you've got!
                       ABBA GABBA
Ah yes! The man knows what he
wants! That is good. Very good. It
will cost you 12 million. No
checks. We accept Visa or
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
      (handing over a
       credit card)
Charge it my good friend!
                       ABBA GABBA
Paper or plastic?
ABBA GABBA lifts up a box that says: "ATOM BOMB FRAGILE" and
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Plastic! Exquisite! Yes? Hahahaha!
Hahahaha! Hahaha!
                       ABBA GABBA
      (pointing to a
Sorry sir! No evil laughing
allowed. Didn't you read the sign?
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
      (repeating ABBA's
       last line as the
       scene transitions)
...sign, sign, sign, sign, sign.
                       HENCHMAN #1
Why are you repeating "sign"?
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
It was a transition from my
conscious. Its too complicated for
you. Just keep counting.


                       HENCHMAN #1
Okay. What's after seventy-four?
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Seventy five.
                       HENCHMAN #1
Oh yeah!
SYLVESTER is silent for a few seconds while he thinks to
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
      (to himself)
It would sure suck if I lost all
this money!
                       HENCHMAN #1
Are you talkin' to me sir?
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
SYLVESTER's last lines give JACKSON an idea.
                       JACK JACKSON
That's it! I'll steal the money
and bring it to the police! Then
they'll have to investigate!
Slowly JACKSON creeps closer to the pile of money behind the
HENCHMAN. SYLVESTER seems occupied by something as he is
hunched over, away from JACKSON.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
      (playing gameboy)
Wow! I'm really distracted by this
miniature gaming device!
Quickly, JACKSON snags two bags of cash and bolts up the
stairs as fast as he can go. SYLVESTER is too late to take
action. The HENCHMEN continues to count money as if nothing
is happening.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
      (with gameboy)
Ahhh! Save quickly! Save! Stupid
thing! Hey you!
                       HENCHMAN #1
      (pointing to


                       SYLVESTER SLICK
After him!
                       HENCHMAN #1
Yes sir! But I'm counting money.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
The HENCHMEN follows JACKSON up the stairs, but JACKSON is
already gone. JACKSON runs by the HENCHMEN washing dishes
and right through the front door. JACKSON screams at ANDREW,
who is trying to get his foot unstuck from a fencepost.
                       JACK JACKSON
Get in the car now!
JACKSON and ANDREW approach the car, as they do, a shot is
heard. JACKSON ducks behind the car. He sees BRENT on the
front porch with a gun.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
JACKSON unlocks the car and gets in. ANDREW is close behind,
dashing into the rear seat. JACKSON starts the car, and they
are off. BRENT gets in another car, and follows them as they
attempt to flee the area.
JACKSON's car zooms past the camera. Close behind is BRENT,
driving to catch up. He has a gun pointed out the window.
JACKSON has given ANDREW the sacks of money.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
                       JACK JACKSON
It was a stupid decision. I admit.
But hey, we wanted a little
excitement, right?
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (angry and scared)
Next time you want to get shot at
voluntarily, make sure its okay
with me first.


                       JACK JACKSON
I forgot you're an easy target
with that big mouth!
ANDREW throws one of the money bags into the front seat.
JACKSON jumps a little.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Stop! Let me out.
                       JACK JACKSON
Are you crazy? I think I can lose
this guy.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
                       JACK JACKSON
I'm gonna need your help.
JACK tosses ANDREW the bottle of NOX fuel. ANDREW looks at
it, confused.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
This is your plan! How the heck am
I going to get it into the tank?
                       JACK JACKSON
Open the door and climb onto the
trunk! You can do it!
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
I'll get shot! This is illogical.
                       JACK JACKSON
Illogical! The needs of the many
outweigh the needs of the
individual. I thought Spock said
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
What? You don't hold the majority.
There is no "many".
                       JACK JACKSON
You do want to get away, don't
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (to himself)
I hate you Spock!


ANDREW opens the door, and scrambles onto the trunk. BRENT
fires a shot at him, but misses. Holding on tightly, ANDREW
unscrews the cap of the NOX fuel slowly.
                       JACK JACKSON
Hurry up!
JACKSON bends down and pushes the button that opens the gas
cap. As he does, the car hits a manhole cover and ANDREW
almost loses his balance and the bottle in his hand. Some of
the fuel comes out.
                       AWWW GEEZE MAN
      (getting sprayed
       with fuel as car
       drives by)
Awwwww geeeze!
                       JACK JACKSON
Do it now!
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (afraid for dear
ANDREW unscrews the fuel cap and pours in the fuel. As he
does, the car starts to speed up.
                       BRENT BOONE
What the heck?
                       JACK JACKSON
Get in here now!
ANDREW quickly climbs back into the car. With a puff of
smoke, the car takes off. The smoke is so thick that BRENT
has to slow down to get through it. When he does get all the
way through it, JACKSON is gone, no where to be seen. BRENT
continues to drive down the street at the same speed. Once
he is out of sight, JACKSON's car can be seen hiding behind
a large truck on the side of the road. JACKSON's car passes
the camera going the opposite way of BRENT.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
That was the quickest parallel
parking job I've ever seen.


                       JACK JACKSON
Yeah man, I gots the skillz. Did
you see yourself man? You were
       ANDREW'S facial
That was awesome!
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
You are crazy. Next time I drive.
                       JACK JACKSON
Yeah right. In your dreams.
Anyway, lets go home.
The car drives offscreen.
The scene opens with a shot of JACKSON parking his car in
front of his house. He gets out, ANDREW gets out too.
JACKSON starts to head over to his neighbor's house.
                       JACK JACKSON
I'll be right back. Hang tight.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Don't be too long. I've got to get
home before Enterprise at 3:00.
JACKSON rings the door of his neighbor's house. Nobody
answers. JACKSON tries again. No answer. He looks in the
window. Nobody home. There is a light on though. He looks in
the window for a while longer and sees someone scurry past
in a hallway.
                       JACK JACKSON
Hey Edward! Its me Jack. Open the
There is a silence, then some mumbling can be heard.
                       EDWARD GOOGLEBOP
I'm not home. Go away!
                       JACK JACKSON
Come one Edward open the door!


                       EDWARD GOOGLEBOP
I don't think you, uh, posses the
correct information to reasonably
asess my current situation.
EDWARD seems to have influenced the word "situation".
                       JACK JACKSON
What's wrong?
Suddenly, ANDREW comes running up, shouting.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (gasping and
Over there!
                       JACK JACKSON
Wow, you really get out of breath
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (pointing and
Just look!
JACKSON turns around to see BRENT's car parked in front of
EDWARD's house.
                       JACK JACKSON
Holy shiznicks! How'd he get here
so fast?
Suddenly, BRENT bursts through the front door with EDWARD
all tied up. He is leading EDWARD through the door with his
                       BRENT BOONE
Good question. But I did! Hahahah!
Now let me pass with him and
nobody gets hurt.
BRENT points to the driveway.
                       BRENT BOONE
      (to ANDREW)
You! Get down on the ground over


                       BRENT BOONE (cont'd)
      (to JACKSON)
You too! Go!
ANDREW and JACKSON follow their orders. BRENT leads EDWARD
to his car, and puts him in the front seat. He handcuffs him
to the door.
                       JACK JACKSON
      (to BRENT)
What does Edward have to do with
                       BRENT BOONE
You took something of ours, now
we'll take something of yours.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Technically Edward isn't ours. We
don't own him.
                       BRENT BOONE
Shut it techno nerd!
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
I'm just pointing out the flaws in
your little attempt to connect
                       BRENT BOONE
Do you want a bullet in your face
to straighten YOU out?
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
I fail to see how a bullet in-
                       JACK JACKSON
Shhhhhh! You'll get us killed. All
he wants is the money.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Yeah! We'll give you the money
right now.
                       BRENT BOONE
No can do smarty smarts. As long
as I got a hostage, the police
can't shoot at me! We'll talk
later. Wait for a phone call if
you ever want to see your friend
again. NO POLICE!


BRENT is about to get in his car when ANDREW asks another
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Can we get off the ground now? The
dust is agrrevating my alergies.
                       BRENT BOONE
Boo-freaking-hoo. Stay down until
I'm out-of-sight!
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
One more question, how did you
know to kidnap Edward?
BRENT doesn't answer, instead, he gets in the car and drives
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Do you think he took a wild guess?
                       JACK JACKSON
Yes he did, now shut up.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (thinking aloud)
Or did he?
                       JACK JACKSON
I said yes!
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
He couldn't have, could he?
                       JACK JACKSON
Quiet. Now!
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
I don't think he guessed. Or did
JACKSON gets off the ground and heads for EDWARD'S house.
ANDREW follows.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Come on, I want to hear what you
ANDREW's whiny voice fades out.


The scene opens in EDWARD'S house. JACKSON is sitting at the
dining room table staring at a phone. ANDREW rushes in from
the family room.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Awww man! You just missed the best
episode ever!
                       JACK JACKSON
      (not excited)
You say that about every episode.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (talking really
No no no! The Enterprise like
crashed on this planet with these
Ritask Metal people and they
helped fix the ship and then this
evil overloard guy comes and he's
like," Get back to work" and then
the Enterprise crew helps these
people escape from their Gabbat,
which was the slave overlord guy.
Its kind of like-
                       JACK JACKSON
I have no idea what you are
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Whatever. Your just sorry that you
missed it. The phone is not going
to ring while you look at it
                       JACK JACKSON
That's just an urban myth-
JACKSON is interrupted by the phone ringing.
                       JACK JACKSON
Ha ha! Success!
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
You're so lucky. I'm going to the
bathroom. Have fun talking to your
ANDREW leaves, and JACKSON answers the phone.


                       JACK JACKSON
      (talking on phone)
                       BRENT BOONE
      (creepy voice)
Hello Claurice.
                       JACK JACKSON
My name's Jack. Jack Jackson.
                       BRENT BOONE
Oh, how original.
                       JACK JACKSON
I suppose your name rhymes with
the word "action" better?
                       BRENT BOONE
Shut it Jack, if that is your real
name, we've got some business to
talk about.
                       JACK JACKSON
What business would that be?
                       BRENT BOONE
Stop playing retard dude. You know
what I'm talking about.
                       JACK JACKSON
Sorry, just trying to sound tough.
                       BRENT BOONE
Anyway, I want to meet for an
exchange. The money plus you for
your annoying little neighbor. Is
that a deal?
                       JACK JACKSON
What! That's not fair. Not fair at
                       BRENT BOONE
Then the deal is off. You won't be
seeing your little friend again.
All of a sudden there is a loud drilling noise on Brent's
side of the phone, from a power drill. Then someone's
screaming can be heard. Then what sounds like a drill
entering a skull, and the scream gets louder.


                       JACK JACKSON
No! Don't! What the heck is that
The camera changes to BRENT's point of view. He is on the
phone in a dentist office. In the background is one patient
sitting in a chair, and a dentist using a dentist drill on a
patient. The patient is screaming.
                       BRENT BOONE
      (to dentist)
What the? I'm on the phone, do you
      (thick Hungarian
Oh sorry Mr. Boone.
      (to patient)
Sir, we'll have to use the gas if
you continue to scream.
                       AWWW GEEZE MAN
      (as patient)
Awwww geese!
                       BRENT BOONE
Sorry about that Jack, but no deal
unless you meet our terms.
                       JACK JACKSON
      (thinking aloud)
The toilet flushes and ANDREW comes out of the bathroom,
holding what looks to be a rocket launcher.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Look what I found in the bathroom!
                       JACK JACKSON
      (thinking aloud)
That gives me an idea....
Suddenly, JACKSON is in a field. SYLVESTER is a hundred


yards in front of him, surrounded by henchmen. In
SYLVESTER's arms is EDWARD. JACKSON pulls the rocket
launcher out of his pocket.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
      (pointing at
After him boys!
All of the henchmen come running towards JACKSON. JACKSON
opens fire. There are several shots of the henchmen being
blown up. Soon, all the henchmen are dead. SYLVESTER is
alone in the middle of the field with EDWARD. He leaves
EDWARD and starts to run away in fear. JACKSON tries to
fire, but he happens to be out of ammo.
                       JACK JACKSON
Well that sucks.
Suddenly, a shot rings out, and SYLVESTER is lying on the
ground dead. JACKSON turns around to see ANDREW with a
sniper. JACKSON gives ASNDREW the thumbs up sign while
smiling. ANDREW gives him the same back.
                       JACK JACKSON
      (to ANDREW)
Right on time.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Like always.
                       BRENT BOONE
Jack? Jack? Are you there Jack?
Sounds like you were dreaming or
something. Are you gonna take my
deal or not.
JACKSON looks at EDWARD, and smiles.
                       JACK JACKSON
Yes, I'll take your deal. I'll
meet you at your place, tomorrow.
                       BRENT BOONE
At what o'clock?
                       JACK JACKSON
The tenth.


                       BRENT BOONE
Okay, but remember. No police. See
ya sucker.
JACKSON turns the phone off, and gets up to pat ANDREW on
the back
                       JACK JACKSON
      (patting ANDREW on
Right on time buddy. Right on
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (holding up rocket
Isn't this thing sweet! I bet he's
got more. Come help me look!
ANDREW runs off screen as the scene ends.
The scene opens much in the same way as scene 2. JACKSON
gets out of bed and sees the clock. It reads 9:59. JACKSON
then continues through his regular routine. Instead of
EDWARD ringing the doorbell, it is ANDREW.
                       JACK JACKSON
      (eating breakfast,
       hearing doorbell)
Alright, alright! I'm coming. I'm
JACKSON answers the door.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Hey there buddy! Are you ready for
today? Too bad I'll miss
Enterprise though.
JACKSON walks away.
                       JACK JACKSON
I've got to finish eating, go get
everything ready.
JACKSON returns to eating. ANDREW waits, expecting


                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Can I have the keys so I can put
the stuff in the car, or do you
want me to beam it there?
JACKSON tosses ANDREW the keys.
                       JACK JACKSON
      (points to pile of
       weapons and
       everything else)
There it is. Leave me my stuff.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Okay. But are you sure you can
handle the minigun AND the rocket
launcher? That's a lot of fire
power for someone who hasn't ever
fired a gun before.
                       JACK JACKSON
YES! Now leave me alone while I
As JACKSON eats, we can see ANDREW in the background, with a
pile of stuff in his hands attempting to exit.
Unfortunately, he bumps into everything and almost trips.
There is a loud noise as he fumbles through the door.
JACKSON seems uninterrupted. Then there is silence that he
has left. He returns with another loud noise, and carries
more stuff to the car.
The camera changes to show several quick shots of JACKSON
getting ready. He is loading guns, strapping on various
belts and holsters, loading the rocket launcher, putting on
a jacket, putting on bullet-proof padding, etc.
                       JACK JACKSON (cooly)
      (finished and all
       suited up)
I'm ready, let's roll!
There is a quick shot of the car traveling down a road at
breakneck speed.
The scene starts out with a shot of ANDREW crouching in the
weeds looking towards SYLVESTER'S house from a safe
distance. He turns around and nods at JACKSON, who is hiding
behind a tree. JACKSON nods back. The plan is under way.


                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (talking to
       himself in weeds)
Stardate the 23rd of July. The
plan is set, I'm ready to move
out. I find myself wondering if
its the best plan, but there is
someone in need. We're the only
ones who can help. Just like the
Zargons of planet Zargopolis we go
in disguise. The area looks clear.
I'm going in.
ANDREW nods at JACKSON. ANDREW then turns around and puts a
wig on, and a dress, and picks up a basket full of girl
scout cookies.
                       JACK JACKSON
Move out, go!
ANDREW nods and walks to the front door disguised as a girl
scout. In the background we can see JACKSON rolling around
and eventually hop over the fence. ANDREW approaches the
doorbell, and rings it. HENCHMAN #1 answers it.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Hello mister. Would you like to
sample a girlscout cookie?
                       HENCHMAN #1
Hey boss! Girl scout cookies!
SYLVESTER runs to the door.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Ooooh! I love girl scout cookies!
They're so addicting.
Hey other various henchmen! Girl
scout cookies.
HENCHMAN #2 comes running over. All of the men start eating
the cookies with an avid hunger. SYLVESTER is basically
shoving them in his mouth as fast as possible.
                       HENCHMAN #2
Cool beans!


                       HENCHMAN #1 (eating cookie)
      (to Sylvester)
Hey boss! Aren'ts we supposed to
be watchin' the hostage?
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
      (mouth full of
He's tied to a chair. There's no
way he can escape.
JACKSON is untying EDWARD from a chair. JACKSON un-gags him
first. Little does he know, but he is being watched by
                       JACK JACKSON
Good thing it was so easy for you
to escape!
                       EDWARD GOOGLEBOP
      (freeded from
Hmmm, yes. A little, uh, too easy
as you people are used to saying.
                       JACK JACKSON
Hey you're right! This IS too
                       EDWARD GOOGLEBOP
You didn't bring along the hostage
exchanging tokens did you?
                       JACK JACKSON
The money? It's in the car so we
can go straight to the police
                       EDWARD GOOGLEBOP
Hmmmm, I'm not totally convinced
that that was the most appropriate
course of action for this given
                       JACK JACKSON
Let's get out of here.
EDWARD and JACK exit up the steps and out the back door.
BRENT steps out of the shadows.


                       BRENT BOONE
      (to himself)
So that's whats going on.
SYLVESTER and his gang are still eating cookies. ANDREW
looks afraid as they are starting to get to the bottom of
the dish. BRENT approaches SYLVESTER.
                       BRENT BOONE
Boss, that hostage has escaped.
And the money is outside in Jack's
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
I'm totally not in the mood for
that crap right now. Can't you see
I'm eating cookies for the love of
SYLVESTER pauses to eat more cookies.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
      (mouth full of
I'm so distracted by this constant
gorging of these dilectable sugar
cookies that I'm really quite
vulnerable. A grenade could go off
and I would be unable to do a
thing. Its a pitty really.
BRENT takes one cookie and puts it in his mouth to taste it.
He spits it out.
                       BRENT BOONE
Pbbbbbth! These aren't girl scout
cookies! They're some type of
cheap nock-off. They're boy scout
                       HENCHMAN #2
      (notices what he
       is eating)
Hey! He's right! Look!
ANDREW drops the basket.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Sorry! Gotta go!


As ANDREW drops the basket, it pulls the pin of a grenade
out on the bottom of the basket.
                       BRENT BOONE
      (pointing at
After him! Now!
HENCHMEN #1 starts running after ANDREW. The grenade goes
off behind them. After the smoke clears, SYLVESTER and BRENT
are still somehow alive. The other henchman is dying with
his guts in his hands.
                       HENCHMAN #2
      (holding guts)
Did someone loose, what is this? A
liver? .....Oh its mine, I see.
HENCHMEN #2 dies.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Wow. We got really lucky.
                       BRENT BOONE
No time to lose! Get in your car!
Let's follow this guy!
SYLVESTER and BRENT run off to get in their cars to chase
ANDREW reaches JACKSON's car. JACKSON and EDWARD are inside.
JACKSON tosses ANDREW a gun.
                       JACK JACKSON
Let's split up! Keep running on
foot! Meet up at the Pine Woods
park, got it?
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Aww man! But I've got asthma!
                       JACK JACKSON
You've also got someone on your
tail! Move!
A shot whizzes over ANDREW's head. ANDREW hits the ground.
JACKSON sees BRENT and SYLVESTER coming, and drives away.
ANDREW returns fire without looking then gets up again.


                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (continues running)
For the love of Athkbar!
The scene continues with ANDREW jumping over a fence, trying
to escape the HENCHMAN who is in close pursuit. Both
SYLVESTER and BRENT are after JACKSON in their cars.
After jumping over two faces and running full-speed through
someone's back yard, ANDREW is stops to turn around and see
how far behind him the HENCHMAN is. The HENCHMAN is running
as fast as he can, but is still trying to finish eating his
cookies. He stops to rest and finish his cookies while
ANDREW rests a few hundred feet infront of him.
                       HENCHMAN #1
      (eating cookie)
Do you happen to have any milk?
I'm really thirsty after all those
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (catching breath)
Nope. Haha! Sucker!
                       HENCHMAN #1
Awww man! You're not going to make
me run after you again are you?
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
You've got a gun, right?
                       HENCHMAN #1
      (searching for gun)
Hmmmm, let me see...
While the HENCHMAN searches for a gun, ANDREW takes off and
jumps over the next fence. He finds himself in the middle of
a street. Suddenly, a car horn is heard. It gets louder and
louder. ANDREW turns around just in time to see SYLVESTER in
his car. SYLVESTER doesn't slow down in time, and nearly
hits ANDREW, but ANDREW jumps up and rolls out of the way a
split second before becoming a pancake.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Wow, that was a close encounter of
the fourth kind; death!
SYLVESTER stops his pursuit to see if the person he almost
hit is okay.


                       SYLVESTER SLICK
      (stopping car, and
       getting out)
Damn girl scouts! Never watch
where they are going!
ANDREW notices what is happening, and bolts off as fast as
he can to find an escape route. SYLVESTER gets to the back
of his car and sees nobody.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
What? I could've sworn I hit
On the sidewalk a kid approaches with a scooter. ANDREW
quickly runs up to the kid and takes the scooter and rolls
off down the street after JACKSON.
                       AWWW GEEZE MAN
      (after scooter is
Awwww geeze!
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (rolling away from
See ya' suckers!
SYLVESTER notices ANDREW rolling away just as the HENCHMAN
that was chasing ANDREW finally makes it over the fence.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
      (pointing at
He's getting away- slowly!
      (to henchman)
Quick! Call re-enforcements!
The HENCHMAN takes out his cell phone and calls for
re-enforcements. Almost as soon as the phone call has ended,
a minivan speeds up behind SYLVESTER and slams on its
breaks. The sliding door opens and out come a bunch of
henchmen dressed in black with scooters and various other
weapons. The passenger's side window opens and SYLVESTER
                       VAN DRIVER
      (yelling at
Excuse me sir, did you order


                       VAN DRIVER
Okay sir, I need you to fill out
this paper work...
The VAN DRIVER hands SYLVESTER a clip board with a bunch of
papers clipped to it. The DRIVER then hands SYLVESTER a pen.
                       VAN DRIVER
      (pointing at paper)
Sign here, here, and here.
SYLVESTER does as asked.
                       VAN DRIVER
Would you like to purchase
liability insurance?
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Yes, I feel like I'll need it.
                       VAN DRIVER
Okay, that's another twenty
dollars up front. Sign here.
SYLVESTER signs the papers and hands over some money.
                       VAN DRIVER
Thank you for doing business sir.
They're due back by noon tomarrow.
The DRIVER quickly takes the papers from the clipboard and
using a lighter, lights them on fire, then drops them in the
middle of the street.
                       VAN DRIVER
I can assure you, all business
interations are done in secrecy.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Thank you!
The van speeds away.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
      (pointing at
Hey! New henchmen! After him!
The new re-enforcements start rolling towards ANDREW on
their scooters.


                       HENCHMAN #1
Hey boss! I think we've got a
defective re-enforcement!
SYLVESTER looks up to see one of the re-enforcements riding
his scooter in a circle and laughing hysterically.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Aahhhh! Just my luck! Okay, get
him in the van, we've got to find
The HENCHMEN carries the defective re-enforcement into the
van, then gets in, the van starts and drives away. ANDREW,
down the street a ways, glances backwards on his scooter to
see the mob of re-enforcements after him.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
By the moons of Glycar! Just my
ANDREW concentrates on going faster, but when he turns
around, the re-enforcements are right on his tail. ANDREW
tries to speed up, but when he turns around again the
re-enforcements are even closer.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
NOW is a good time to beam me up
One of the re-enforcements is close enough to grab ANDREW's
handlebars. ANDREW tries to get his scooter free from the
other man's grip, but can't. ANDREW glances up to see the
two scooters heading straight for a mailbox.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
                       RE-ENFORCEMENT #1
      (to ANDREW)
Got enough postage buddy? 'Cause
I'm sending you back to the first
grade! HAHAHAH!
ANDREW panics and tries again to untighten the man's grip,
but can't. Suddenly, seconds before collision, ANDREW grabs
the man's neck.


                       ANDREW ROBINSON
       #1's neck)
Vulcan neck pinch!
The man faints, and lets go of the scooter. ANDREW is able
to steer away at the last moment to avoid the collision.
RE-ENFORCEMENT #1 collides with the mailbox.
ANDREW turns around to see another Re-ENFORCEMENT on his
tail. This time, RE-ENFORCEMENT #2 jumps on ANDREW's
scooter. The man reveals a string from his pocket and tries
to choke ANDREW. ANDREW has a hard time breathing.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Oww! That hurts!
                       RE-ENFORCEMENT #2
Good! Its supposed to.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Don't try this at home kiddies!
                       RE-ENFORCEMENT #2
Suddenly, ANDREW kicks the man in the crotch, and he flies
off the scooter into the middle of the street.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Did that hurt?
ANDREW continues to roll on, and comes to a street. ANDREW
speeds up and nearly is hit by a car. The remaining
Re-ENFORCEMENTS are forced to stop and let the car pass.
Once it is gone, they continue their pursuit.
ANDREW looks over his shoulder to see the group approaching.
ANDREW slams on his brakes and now finds himself behind the
group. After losing sight of ANDREW, the Re-ENFORCEMENTS
stop and turn around.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Wow, that was stupid.
ANDREW pauses, then quickly points at something behind the


                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Look! It's the borg!
The small group of Re-ENFORCEMENTS turn around to look at
what ANDREW was pointing at. As they do, ANDREW continues
past them. Only one of the Re-ENFORCEMENTS notices ANDREW's
trickery and continues pursuit of ANDREW while the others
are still searching the sky.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (speeding by)
As ANDREW distances himself from where he stopped, he looks
back to see the single RE-ENFORCEMENT following him.
Ironically, this man looks just like ANDREW except he has a
moustache and a unibrow. ANDREW is confused.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
What the heck? It's like my evil
twin that I never knew about...
JACKSON's car zooms by the camera, followed by BRENT's.
JACKSON, while driving, pauses to look into his rearview
                       JACK JACKSON
Ahhh! I can't lose this guy!
JACKSON continues to ponder while he thinks and looks at
                       JACK JACKSON
Got any good ideas?
EDWARD grabs what looks like a canister of gas.
                       EDWARD GOOGLEBOP
We could, um, poison him with
air-borne chemical agents.
                       JACK JACKSON
Then we need to get that into his
car; too difficult.
EDWARD holds up the rocket launcher.


                       JACK JACKSON
Good thinking. Here, you drive,
I'll shoot.
EDWARD and JACK switch positions while the car is still
moving. First EDWARD takes the wheel, then JACK slides into
the passenger seat. JACKSON grabs the rocket launcher, and
gets it ready.
                       JACK JACKSON
Okay, you'll have to slow down so
that I canjump out safely to use
the rocket launcher without
blowing us up in the process.
EDWARD nods in understanding. At a stop sign, the car slows
enough to allow JACK to open the door and roll out of the
car. JACK finds himself in the middle of the street. He
stands up slowly as BRENT approaches in his car. BRENT
notices the rocket launcher.
                       BRENT BOONE
      (slamming on
Oh crap!
BRENT jumps out of his vehicle just as the rocket slams into
it and destroys it. BRENT escapes with minor burns. He draws
his gun. JACK notices this and starts to run back towards
EDWARD. JACK manages to pull open the car door and put his
rocket launcher back in just as BRENt fires his first shot.
JACK ducks behind the open door for cover and yells at
                       JACK JACKSON
      (to EDWARD)
Get down! Now!
Bullets hit the door, and EDWARD ducks down. Calmly, JACKSON
reaches into the car for a gun, he finds his minigun by
                       JACK JACKSON
That's lucky.
JACKSON rises slowly with the minigun. He flips a switch and
the barrel starts turning. With one swift motion and one
loud noise, JACKSON fires a strem of bullets towards BRENT.
BRENT manages to dive into some bushes, but is hit in the
                       BRENT BOONE
Ahhhhh! My arm!


JACKSON now is covered in sweat for some reason.
                       JACK JACKSON
      (talking about
This thing's hurting my arm too,
you don't see me complaining!
BRENT smiles because he is not really injured, but just
faking. Through the bushes, he sees JACKSON approaching to
finish him off. As he raises his arm to fire his gun, he is
blasted backwards by a shotgun blast. Both JACKSON and BRENT
(with his last ounce of strength) turn to see EDWARD holding
a smoking shotgun.
                       EDWARD GOOGLEBOP
You, uh, fell for the oldest trick
in the book! Don't believe his
cries for mercy when you lack the
information neccesary to judge his
condition properly.
                       JACK JACKSON
Hey! You're right. Thanks buddy.
Suddenly a phone rings; its BRENT'S. BRENT answers it with
what is his last strength.
                       BRENT BOONE
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
      (on other end of
Hey! It's Sylvester. Where are
you, I lost you?
                       BRENT BOONE
I'm dying near Pine Woods Park.
Can you send an ambulance?
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Are you kidding? This phone call
now is costing a lot and we're
only a block away. Imagine how
much a call to the hospital will
cost me! My wireless plan won't
allow for it.


                       BRENT BOONE
Okay, fine. I understand. Bye.
BRENT dies, as JACKSON and EDWARD get back into the car and
drive away.
ANDREW looks down ahead of him to see that the hill he was
rolling down is now ending, and the street now is starting
to go uphill.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (seeing hill end)
Dang, looks like my free ride is
                       ANDREW'S EVIL TWIN
Hahaha! You're going down punk!
Just like the empire!
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (to himself)
Awww man! He's a Star Wars nerd.
Looks like I'll be having to set
him right!
ANDREW starts going up the hill, but his momentum only
carries him so far. Soon he has to use his feet to keep
going up hill. After only a few tries, ANDREW is tired and
gets off the scooter, throwing it onto the sidewalk.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
It's not even worth it anymore.
      (to EVIL TWIN)
Okay Star Wars dweeb. Come n' get
The EVIL TWIN stops, and pulls out a lead pipe from his
pocket, making a lightsaber sound.
                       ANDREW'S EVIL TWIN
Hahaha! You think your Romulan
Battle tactics are any match
against a lightsaber? Think again!
ANDREW looks around for something to fight with. He sees a
stick on the ground and quickly runs to it to pick it up.
The EVIL TWIN follows.


                       ANDREW'S EVIL TWIN
You can't escape the force and
thus your destiny! Join me and we
shall rule the galaxy together!
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (loud with anger)
                       ANDREW'S EVIL TWIN
Than you shall die!
The EVIL TWIN lunges at ANDREW, who quickly ducks behind a
tree. The lead pipe hits the tree only a few inches from
ANDREW's head.
                       ANDREW'S EVIL TWIN
You are weak! Just like I was
before I joined the dark side!
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
The dark side of Remus? What are
you talking about?
ANDREW falls backwards, and his EVIL TWIN gets ready to
strike the final blow.
                       ANDREW'S EVIL TWIN
Before you die, I wanted to tell
you. Andrew, I am your.....clone!
ANDREW rolls aside as the EVIL TWIN strikes downward at
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
It's like Captain Picard's clone
in NEMISIS! No wonder you are so
screwed up! You need my blood to
live, don't you?
                       ANDREW'S EVIL TWIN
Actually no. I'm just doing my
Suddenly, JACKSON approaches in his car, the window is
rolled down. JACKSON yells at ANDREW.
                       JACK JACKSON
JACKSON quickly pulls out a shot gun and throws it out the


car window towards ANDREW. Without looking, ANDREW cocks the
gun and fires before the EVIL TWIN has time to respond. The
EVIL TWIN falls backwards, dying.
                       ANDREW'S EVIL TWIN
I seem to have underestimated my
foe. Come closer my son, I want to
get a look at you with my own
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (doesn't seem to
Hey buddy, haven't you ever see
Return of the JEDI? You fell for
the oldest trick in the Star Wars
saga! Sucker!
ANDREW runs to the car and gets in the back seat.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (to JACKSON)
You were right on time, as always.
                       EDWARD GOOGLEBOP
      (to camera)
Its a little, uh, ironic as you
might say, huh?
JACKSON looks in the rearview mirror to see SYLVESTER
                       JACK JACKSON
Buckle up. We've got to go, we're
still being followed.
JACKSON drives away as SYLVESTER follows.
The scene opens with a few shots of SYLVESTER still
following JACKSON in his car. Sooner or later, JACKSON
decides to head into the mountains in order to try and loose
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (noticing where
       JACKSON is
Where are you going?


                       JACK JACKSON
I'm heading away from the city. I
just got a full tank of gas before
we left this morning. I'm sure we
can outlast him up here where
there are no gas stations.
JACKSON looks in the rearview mirror to see SYLVESTER
gaining on him.
                       EDWARD GOOGLEBOP
He's, uh, approaching our rear
flanks at an increasing velocity.
                       JACK JACKSON
I know. We've got to speed up
SYLVESTER is driving, HENCHMAN #1 is in the passenger seat
and the DEFECTIVE RE-ENFORCEMENT is in the backseat.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
      (to HENCHMAN)
It'd be a shame if we ran out of
gas! We need to do something now
to ensure that this doesn't
happen! Any ideas?
The DEFECTIVE Re-ENFORCEMENT mumbles something that is not
understandable at all.
                       DEFECTIVE RE-ENFORCEMENT
Eat ice cream with shrimp.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
What did he just say?
HENCHMAN #1 shrugs.
                       HENCHMAN #1
Why do 't we try to shoot the
tires out?
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Good idea, but I'm trying to drive
and he's mentally incapable.


                       DEFECTIVE RE-ENFORCEMENT
I'm mentally incapable!
HENCHMAN #1 grabs a gun and dips out of the passenger side
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Don't blow the damned thing up!
We've got to get all that money
back in one piece.
The HENCHMAN fires a shot but it hits the road.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
He's shooting at us!
                       JACK JACKSON
Well, shoot back!
EDWARD hands ANDREW the rocket launcher.
                       EDWARD GOOGLEBOP
Here. This should be of sufficient
ANDREW opens the rear door and prepares to fire. As he does,
there is a clicking sound.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
You forgot to reload it!
                       JACK JACKSON
Sorry! Use something else!
EDWARD hands ANDREW the minigun. ANDREW sets up, ready to
fire, but JACK spots something on the road ahead.
                       JACK JACKSON
Oh crap!
JACKSON hits the breaks in order to make it around a turn,
and the minigun flies out of ANDREW's hands onto the road.
SYLVESTER swerves around the gun, but isn't quick enough to
dodge oncoming traffic in the other lane. He swerves back
and is going way too fast around the corner. SYLVESTER hits
JACKSON and both cars are driven off the road by the
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
We lost the minigun!


                       JACK JACKSON
Thank you Captain Obvious.
JACKSON tries to start the car, but it won't start.
                       JACK JACKSON
The car won't start! Just my luck!
Everyone out we're running from
here on! Edward, grab the money.
JACKSON grabs his shotgun, and ANDREW grabs the rocket
launcher. EDWARD takes the money and jumps out of the car
running into the woods. ANDREW and JACKSON follow, fleeing
from SYLVESTER, who is just now waking up after hitting his
head and going unconscious.
                       HENCHMAN #1
      (getting out of
       car with gun)
They're getting away boss! C'mon!
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Ow! My head. I don't think I can
go. I need to rest a moment.
                       HENCHMAN #1
But sir! They're loading the
rocket launcher and preparing to
fire. We've got to go now!
                       DEFECTIVE RE-ENFORCEMENT
I've got to go now too. Where's
the poddy?
Up on the hill a ways from the two cars on the side of the
road, ANDREW is loading the rocket launcher, and getting set
to fire.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (loading rocket)
Captain! This is our last photon
torpedo, er...rocket. You sure you
don't want to save it?
                       JACK JACKSON
No fire now!
SYLVESTER sees what is happening on the hill.


                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Ahhh! I can't make decisions! Its
my fatal flaw! What would Abba
Gabba do?..do?..do?,,do?
                       ABBA GABBA
      (in dream)
After many many weeks of
meditation, with the help of Alah,
ABBA GABBA says you must run if
you stil value your life. Thank
you, come again...
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
again,...again,...,again. Wow that
was simple. I'm surprised I didn't
think of that.
                       HENCHMAN #1
Why were you repeating words
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
      (getting out of
I told you, I was transitioning
from my conscience. Can't you
figure out anything for yourself?
                       HENCHMAN #1
Yes. Hang on a second, let me
think. Hmmmm...
                       DEFECTIVE RE-ENFORCEMENT
Ohhh! Rocket!
While the HENCHMAN stops to think, the rocket hurdles itself
into the side of the car. SYLVESTER dives out of the way of
the explosion just in time.
                       JACK JACKSON
Yesss! Good shot. Now lets run.
SYLVESTER walks over to the HENCHMAN's body and takes his


                       SYLVESTER SLICK
I never knew that thinking too
much could kill a man.
Suddenly the DEFECTIVE RE-ENFORCEMENT is somehow alive
again, running around in the background.
                       DEFECTIVE RE-ENFORCEMENT
I don't think at all, and I'm not
dead! Wooo-hoooo!
SYLVESTER takes off after JACKSON and his two friends.
The camera shows several shots of the mountains and JACKSON
and EDWARD and ANDREW as they attempt to escape from
SYLVESTER as if their exodus has been going on for hours.
ANDREW collaspes to the ground from exhaustion from what
appears was long run.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (collapsing to
I'm too tired to go on. Go on with
out me. I'm just holding you back.
                       JACK JACKSON
Are you kidding me? We've gone
like ten feet.
ANDREW turns around. The spot where he launched the rocket
launcher is only a few feet away.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
Oh. I see. Those cutscenes really
make it look like we've been
running for hours.
                       JACK JACKSON
You need to get some excercise
more often or something. Because
this is really sad.
A bullet flies by ANDREW's head.
                       JACK JACKSON
He's shooting at us! You two go
on. I'll try to slow him down.
Give me the cash.
EDWARD hands JACK the money then runs off after ANDREW into
the woods.


                       SYLVESTER SLICK
      (to JACK)
So you're the infamous "ACTION
JACKSON", right?
                       JACK JACKSON
Lets get right to the business
slimeball. You want the money I
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Yep, and you're not gonna give it
up for free I assume.
                       JACK JACKSON
You are correct in your
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
As are you. What do you want.
                       JACK JACKSON
I give you the money back, and you
give it back to the people you
stole it from. Then I won't call
the cops, and you'll be free.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
What makes you think I'll do that?
                       JACK JACKSON
If you don't, I'll destroy the
money right now...
JACKSON shows SYLVESTER the grenade in his hand.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Ahhhh! I hate making decisions.
                       JACK JACKSON
Well, choose. Now.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
Okay. How 'bout you give me the
cash, or I'll shoot you dead and
then kill yer friends?
                       JACK JACKSON
That might work, but...
JACKSON gives a slight nod.


                       SYLVESTER SLICK
SYLVESTER turns around to find himself face-to-face with
ANDREW, who quickly kicks SYLVESTER's gun away.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
I learned that from whats his
name? Uh, Captain Kirk.
ANDREW then does the vulcan neck pinch on SYLVESTER.
SYLVESTER falls over unconscious.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
...and that from that elf freak,
JACKSON twirls the shotgun around in his hands, and ends up
with the barrel pointed at SYLVESTER's face. Slowly
SYLVESTER wakes up and sees the guns aimed at his face.
                       SYLVESTER SLICK
How'd he get behind me?
                       JACK JACKSON
I don't know, but I do know that
stealing's for wussies, punk.
ANDREW quickly ties SYLVESTER up with some rope. EDWARD
joins them.
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
We're gonna go visit our friends
at the police station. Wink wink,
nudge nudge.
ANDREW and JACKSON lead SYLVESTER towards the car at
                       JACK JACKSON
      (to ANDREW)
You were right on time again.
How'd you get behind him anyway?
Suddenly, EDWARD takes JACKSON's shot gun and cocks it.
                       JACK JACKSON
What are you doing EDWARD! STOP!
                       EDWARD GOOGLEBOP
He's not ANDREW! He's a clone.


EDWARD fires and the clone is dead. ANDREW appears behind
                       ANDREW ROBINSON
      (doesn't notice
       what happened)
What's up guys?
                       JACK JACKSON
I'm so confused!
The scene opens with a picture back at JACKSON's house.
Inside, he is sitting at his table being interviewed.
      (talking to camera)
Well, you heard it here first.
This local man, JACK JACKSON has
thwarted a terrorist plan to
purchase an atomic bomb. An
amazing story about an amazing
person. Any last remarks JACK?
                       JACK JACKSON
Yes. To all you thieves,
murderers, rapists, illegal movie
downloaders, food poison
manufacturers, strategic bananna
peel placers, drug dealers,
copyright infringement
specialists, brick hurlers, and
anyone else who makes life
miserable by disobeying the law
and hurting people; watch out.
I've got my eye on you. Stealin's
for wussies, and don't do drugs!


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From Jeffrey Date 6/5/2007 **
I don't know if you remember, but there is an old movie with Carl Weathers called Action Jackson. Certain titles can't be used again, and that's one of them. Action flicks are more about special effects than acting. I didn't see that in this script. Is this supposed to be a cartoon or just animated characters.

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