Screenwriter Community |
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by Mason (citwall@yahoo.com)
Rated:
Genre: Drama
User Review:
This is a major work in progress. My problem is, I have a semi-storyboard, but it just feels like its almost too slow paced, and it wont keep anyones attention. So I decided to stop for now and see what people think. If it turns out to be a total dud, I'll drop it. But what I'm looking for is advice.
The script is about a college kid and the people around him caught up in nuclear tension and the fear of a man made apocalypse.
This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.
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FADE IN:
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EXT. SERENITY HILLS - DAY |
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We are looking at a road. A red car comes into view, and
approaches a gated area. The car slows, and stops in front
of it. A security guard walks out of his booth and towards
the car. |
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SCOTT
Yes, um, Scott Kline. I'm here
to, uh, move in, I guess. |
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The security guard looks over his clipboard, then looks back
at Scott. through the windows of the car, we see lots of
boxes and clothes in the passenger and back seats. |
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GUARD
And sure enough, there you are,
right on the list. Well, Mr.
Kline, let me be the first to
welcome you to Serenity Hills.
You've made a wise choice. |
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The guard walks back to his booth, and then the front gate
opens up. Scott's car drives into the town. The gate
closes behind him. |
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As Scott drives, he looks out his windows. He sees people
mowing their lawns, kids playing outside. Essentially the
perfect town. A ball rolls out of his car, and a child runs
out in front of him. He turns back around, sees the child
and slams his brakes. It stops right in front of the child.
A tall man runs out in front of the car as well, and pulls
the little girl aside. He is scolding her mildly, but we
cannot hear what he is saying. The man then walks over to
the passenger window. |
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DARREN
Sir, I'm really sorry about that.
I turned my back for one second
and I guess she got away from me. |
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SCOTT
Oh, it's really not a problem.
But, hey, do you know where I can
(MORE)
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2.
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SCOTT (cont'd)
find 1612 Jensen Street. I kind
of got off track somewhere. |
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DARREN
Oh, sure, just keep going down
this road, past the first light,
and then it'll be about your third
of fourth street on the left. |
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DARREN
Moving in to ol' Ray's house? |
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DARREN
Ray Roberts. I think it's his
house your moving into. |
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DARREN
Not many people move from this
town, and so when someone does,
everyone knows. |
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SCOTT
I see. Well, it was great meeting
you, uh... |
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DARREN
Darren. Darren Westin. |
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He puts his hand out for a handshake, and Scott obliges. |
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DARREN
Nice meetin' ya, Scott. You've
made a wise choice. |
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Scott drives off down the road, and Darren looks on before
turning around and going back to his house. |
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3.
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EXT. SCOTT'S HOUSE - DAY |
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As Scott drives down Jensen Street, his house comes into
view. It is a completely normal looking home, nothing
special about it at all. |
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INT. SCOTT'S HOUSE |
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Scott opens the door and looks inside. The house is fully
furnished, there are couches, and chairs, and all sorts of
other things. The room has a certain air about it that
makes it feel empty.
Scott walks through the entryway and into the living room.
The blinds are drawn and the room is darker than it is
outside. The front door opens. |
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FADE OUT. |
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Feedback |
From Paul Shannon |
Date 7/25/2005 |
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It is an old idea. It is also aimless. There are spell checkers out there. If it is tightened up, it might be more interesting. |
From Andrew |
Date 7/22/2005 |
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I like the idea and I think you can really expand the story and complete it. Maybe to make it more intense and to move it along more you can show scenes of the president negoitating or something like that. Also instead of making SCOTT and ASHVIN talking about how the church was packed and the bar was packed maybe you can actually show people at church and at the bar and make them act out the scene. Maybe you can even consider the bombing actually happening and showing how people react in times of panic and show how people survive after the attack or you can make like SCOTT or ASHVIN get in a situation where they can die after the attack and they have to find a way to survive. There are a lot of things you can consider but keep working on it because it is a good idea. Good work! |
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