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The Three Brits
by Jeremy (theturkishzoo@gmail.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***
Three Britishmen partake in porridge while discussing the many matters they are facing while trying to consume yon porridge.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



THE THREE BRITS

FADE IN:

INT. CAFE - DAY
                                                            
It is mid-morning in jolly old England. Sir Johnston is in a
local cafe sitting at a table with two other chairs. He
looks impatiantly at his watch and glances over at the door.
As he does this, Sir Wellsington and Sir Charlesworth enter
the door and notice Sir Johnston.
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
Ah, Sir Johnston! Hope we're not
too late.
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
Ah, Sir Wellsington, Sir
Charlesworth! Not at all! Sit
gentlemen.
                                                            
Sir Wellsington and Sir Charlesworth each sit down at the
same table at Sir Johnston.
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
I've taken the liberty of ordering
us all some porridge!
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
Porridge you say?
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
Indeed!
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
Ah, most excellent!
                                                            
The waiter exits from the kitchen carrying a cart with three
silver plates on it, covered over, and brings it to the
table where the three men are sitting.
                                                            
                       WAITER
Here you are sir's.
                                                            
The waiter takes each meal and places it in front of each
man.
                                                            
                       WAITER
Enjoy your meal.
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
Indeed we shall!
                                                            

2.

The waiter takes the cart and leaves back into the kitchen
from whence he came.
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
Ah, do you smell that gentlemen?
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
Indeed I do Sir Johnston! It is
the smell of porridge!
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
Truely?
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
Indeed!
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
Pip pip then old chaps!
                                                            
Sir Johnston removes the lid from the plate, revealing a
bowl of porridge underneith. He excitedly picks up his
spoon, and scoops up a small spoonfull. As he puts it in his
mouth, his expression turns to that of pain, as he grabs his
glass of water and drinks it down.
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
What's the matter good sir?
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
Why, this porridge is too hot!
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
Truely?
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
Indeed! What about yours Sir
Wellsington?
                                                            
Sir Wellsington removes the cover off of his porridge, and
takes a spoonful in his mouth. His expression changes to
that of disgust.
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
My lord, this porridge is too
cold!
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
Too cold you say?
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
Indeed!
                                                            

3.

                       SIR JOHNSTON
This is indeed the work of heresy!
What about yours Sir Charlesworth?
                                                            
Sir Charlesworth removes the lid off his porridge, only to
see a severed head in it. He becomes frightened.
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
By the mercy of the queen, there's
a head in my porridge!
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
A head?!
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
Indeed!
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
What's even more amazing is that
it's YOUR head Sir Charlesworth!
                                                            
Sir Charlesworth becomes confused.
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
I don't think it is.
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
And why not?
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
Well for one, my body still has
it's head attached!
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
Truely?
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
Indeed!
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
Well you could have lost your head
before and stolen another one!
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
If I lost my head before, how
would I be able to steal another
one, let alone live?
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
He has a point Sir Johnston, if
you lose your head, you usually
die.
                                                            

4.

                       SIR JOHNSTON
Nonsense!
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
Let us not fuss about this any
longer, I shall remove the head
and continue to eat my porridge.
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
Very well then Sir Charlesworth!
                                                            
Sir Charlesworth removes the head from his porridge and
tosses it aside. He goes to get another spoonfull when he
notices something else in the porridge.
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
What's the matter Sir
Charlesworth? Your porridge too
cold?
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
Is it too hot?
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
Nay kind sir's, there appears to
be a syringe in my porridge!
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
What?! A syringe??
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
Most correct Sir Wellsington!
                                                            
Sir Charlesworth picks out the syringe from his porridge and
examines it.
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
My lord, it IS a syringe!
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
What heresy is this?!
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
I don't think it's heresy at all
Sir Wellsington!
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
Truely?
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
Indeed!
                                                            

5.

                       SIR JOHNSTON
Well there could only be one
explination for this.
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
And what would that be Sir
Johnston?
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
The syringe contains...a genie!
                                                            
Sir Charlesworth and Sir Wellsington gasp in amazement.
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
A genie you say?!
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
Indeed!
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
I think you've gone off your
rocker Sir Johnston, genie's live
in lamps!
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
No they don't, I found one last
year in a syringe!
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
No you didn't, that was heroine!
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
Truely?
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
Indeed, it was heroine!
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
Well I thought it was a lousy
genie, didn't grant any wish I
asked it!
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
So that's what you were doing, we
thought you'd lost your mind!
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
You did? Well that's quite silly!
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
Indeed!
                                                            
The three men have a hearty laugh.
                                                            

6.

                       SIR JOHNSTON
Give the syringe to me! I'll see
whether or not a genie dwells
within!
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
Very well Sir Johnston!
                                                            
Sir Charlesworth goes to give the syringe to Sir Johnston,
but it falls out of his hand and smashes on the floor.
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
My lord, you've killed it!
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
Killed what!? There was no genie
within it!
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
Well now we'll never know that,
will we!?
                                                            
Just as Sir Johnston says that, a genie rises from behind
the table. The three men becomes surprized and nearly fall
out of their seats.
                                                            
                       GENIE
I am Kal'Thata! You have freed me
from my magical prison and for
this, I shall grant each of you
one wish!
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
One wish each? How exciting!
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
Truely?
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
Indeed!
                                                            
                       GENIE
What are your wishes?
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
Oh oh oh! I wish that my porridge
wouldn't be so hot.
                                                            
                       GENIE
Granted!
                                                            

7.

The genie claps his hands together twice. Sir Johnston
slowly grabs a spoonfull of porridge and eats it. He becomes
delighted.
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
Most excellent, my porridge is not
as hot anymore!
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
Truely?
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
Truely!
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
Oh oh, Mr. Genie! Make my porridge
a little warmer please!
                                                            
                       GENIE
Granted!
                                                            
The genie claps his hands togeter twice. Sir Wellsington
grabs a spoonfull of porridge and eats it. He also becomes
delighted.
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
Excellent, my porridge is at just
the right temperature!
                                                            
                       GENIE
What about you there?
                                                            
The genie looks at Sir Charlesworth, awaiting a reply. Sir
Charlesworth thinks for a moment, and then gets a
mischievious grin on his face.
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
I'm brilliant! I wish...for a
thousand wishes!
                                                            
                       GENIE
Excuse me? You greedy englishman,
for that you get no wish!
                                                            
The genie slaps Sir Charlesworth and storms out of the cafe
in a rage.
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
Good job there Sir Charlesworth,
you've insulted the genie!
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
I didn't mean to!
                                                            

8.

                       SIR WELLSINGTON
Truely?
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
Stop all this bickering then,
let's just eat our porridge!
                                                            
Sir Johnston and Sir Wellsington begin to eat their
porridge. Sir Charlesworth grabs a spoonfull and looks at
his spoon startled.
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
My lord, my porridge is nothing
but pills upon pills!
                                                            
                       SIR WELLSINGTON
Oh shut up and eat it Sir
Charlesworth, you've done nothing
but complain since we arrived!
                                                            
                       SIR JOHNSTON
Indeed! He has a point!
                                                            
                       SIR CHARLESWORTH
Very well then.
                                                            
The three men begin to eat their porridge. As they are
eating, a man walks out and takes center stage.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR
And so, as the men ate their
porridge, what did they learn
today? Well, they learned that
people cannot live without heads.
Being headless brings about death,
so it is best to keep your head.
Genie's, although easily offended,
CAN live in syringes and that
porridge, although delicious, can
be deadly.
                                                            
As the three men eat their porridge, Sir Charlesworth falls
out of his chair onto the floor and starts seizing. The
other two men jumps out of their chair and try to assist
him.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR
And with that, the men ate their
porridge down with delight and
lived happily ever after...except
Sir Charlesworth, who died of a
drug overdose.
                                                            


THE END


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From Ryan Moran Date 9/15/2005 ***
This very funny and Monty Python like! I like it!


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