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America - The Comedy
by Joe H (nagyovafan@gmail.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***1/2
A political, social, and cultural satire that takes place in the year 2036 and revolves around the death of a famous actress.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



AMERICA - THE COMEDY

EXT. DRIVEWAY - DAY
                                                            
Andrew, Jonathan, Heather, and Robert are all playing
basketball.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
      (voice over)
Basketball. One of America's
age-old sports. A sport that will
not die. A sport that presents a
good excuse to not do homework.
This is my friend Robert. You'll
see a lot of him in this movie.
                                                            
Robert takes a shot and makes it.
                                                            
                       ANDREW
Nice shot, man.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
      (voice over)
That would be Andrew Hensley. He's
been mine and Robert's friend
since first grade. That's his
little sister, Heather Hensley.
She's just always hung out with
us. And that's me, Jonathan
Neimeyer.
                                                            
 
INT. ROBERT'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Robert and Jonathan are both sitting around a table, trying
to force themselves to do their homework. Jonathan looks at
his problem. 4x + 9 = 2x - 3. He stares at it for a few
seconds and then drops his head to the table and bangs his
head against the table repeatedly.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
      (voice over)
Ah, homework. Loathed by many
students, homework has been
medically proven to increase the
risk of cancer. Okay, I'm just
kidding. My teacher didn't think
it was funny, though. Something
about his mom having cancer. I
dunno.
                                                            
Robert is sitting next to Jonathan looking at his pen.
                                                            

2.

                       JONATHAN
      (voice over)
Robert Clifford... I, uh, I think
he's borderline retarded. He won't
get tested. He's crazy, though.
You'll find that out soon enough.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
How's your homework going?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Good, I guess. I really don't feel
like thinking though.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
I know the perfect solution. I use
it every day.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
What drug do you take?
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Depends, I mean... wait. I don't
take any drugs!
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
I know, I know. What's your
perfect solution?
                                                            
                       ROBERT
      (trying to sounds
       smart)
Don't think.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Good idea. I'm not sure it'll work
for me, though.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
I think you should try.
                                                            
All the sudden they hear a loud banging noise from the floor
below them. It sounds as if someone is beating a drum.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
What's that?
                                                            
 

3.

INT. ROBERT'S BASEMENT - DAY
                                                            
Jonathan is slowly walking down into the basement with
Robert close behind him. They hear the noise again. They
walk towards the noise. Again, the noise, even louder. They
slowly follow the noise.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Hello?
                                                            
They find the room it's from. They stand in front of it for
a few seconds. They hear the noise again. Jonathan opens the
door. A blinding light overcomes them. Opening credits roll.
                                                            
 
INT. ROBERT'S BASEMENT - DAY
                                                            
It's 30 years later, but Jonathan and Robert do not know
this. they are both lying in Robert's basement, knocked out.
Robert slowly starts waking up. He looks around,
dumbfounded.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
What in the world just happened?
                                                            
Robert looks over and sees Jonathan, still knocked out. He
crawls over and sits by him for a few seconds.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Jonathan? Jonathan, come on. Wake
up, Jonathan. Come on, Jonathan.
Hello? Helololololo? Ugh, God...
                                                            
Robert gets up and walks over to a sink. He pours a bunch of
water into a small cup. Jonathan is just waking up. He looks
around. Blink. Blink. Robert walks over with the cup of
water in his hand.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Robert, what ha-
                                                            
Robert dumps the water into Jonathan's face and then
realizes that Jonathan was already awake.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
      (angry)
Dude!
                                                            
                       ROBERT
I'm so sorry, man.
                                                            
Jonathan gets up, goes into the bathroom and starts drying
his face off.
                                                            

4.

                       JONATHAN
Dude, what happened?
                                                            
                       ROBERT
I don't know, there was just a...
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
-a light.
                                                            
Jonathan finishes drying off his face. He walks out of the
bathroom and heads for the stairs. Robert follows him,
talking.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Yeah. And that's the last thing
that I remember.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Me too.
                                                            
 
INT. ROBERT'S KITCHEN - DAY
                                                            
Jonathan and Robert are coming up from the basement.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Isn't your mom home?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Yeah.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
      (loud)
Hello? Mrs. Neimeyer?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Dude, you don't have to shout.
Mom?
                                                            
They walk down the hall.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
We were apparently knocked out for
a while, your mom isn't home.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Let's just, like, go find Andrew
or Heather.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Alright.
                                                            
 

5.

EXT. OUTSIDE ANDREW'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Jonathan and Robert go to the porch and ring the doorbell. A
little girl answers the door.
                                                            
                       GIRL ANSWERING DOOR
Hey, what's up.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Is Andrew here?
                                                            
                       GIRL ANSWERING DOOR
No, he's at school. Why would you
want him anyway?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Uh, cause he's our friend. Dur.
                                                            
                       GIRL ANSWERING DOOR
Yeah... you're weird.
                                                            
The girl closes the door on them. They both walk away.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Who was that?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Uh, a rude little brat. You wanna
just walk up to school? There's
nothing really else to do.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Yeah, sure.
                                                            
 
EXT. OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL - DAY
                                                            
Jonathan and Robert both walk up to the school.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
At least this is the same.
                                                            
 
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
                                                            
Jonathan and Robert walk into the hallway. They look around
a bit.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
I don't recognize a single person.
                                                            

6.

                       ROBERT
Eh, there's a lot of people in
this school.... Hey, look, they
got new benches.... and repainted
this hallway.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
How long do you think we were
knocked out? Do you think it was
more than a day?
                                                            
                       ROBERT
I don't know. Ask someone what the
date is.
                                                            
Jonathan goes up to a random person. He is probably two
years older than Jonathan.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Excuse me, I'm sorry. What's the
date today?
                                                            
                       GUY IN HALLWAY
It's March 5th, 2036.
                                                            
Jonathan walks back over to Robert.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
It's March 5th, 2036.
                                                            
Jonathan realizes what he just said. He runs back to the
guy.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Wait... did you say 2036?
                                                            
                       GUY IN HALLWAY
Yeah... duh.
                                                            
Jonathan turns around and walks back to Robert, eyes wide.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Robert, I think we, like,
travelled thirty years into the
future.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Dude, there's no way that's true.
He's probably just trying to freak
you out. Ask somebody else.
                                                            
Jonathan walks up to another random guy. He is around
Jonathan's age. He is reading over a few papers.
                                                            

7.

                       JONATHAN
Excuse me, what year is it?
                                                            
                       GUY # 2 IN HALLWAY
It's 2036, are you retarded?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
No, I just forgot.
                                                            
                       GUY # 2 IN HALLWAY
Right.
                                                            
Jonathan walks back over to Robert. He is in a state of
panic.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Robert, it's 2036.
                                                            
Jonathan goes over to a bench and sits on it. He buries his
face in his hands. He's obviously in a state of shock and
disbelief. Robert comes over and sits next to him. There's a
long silence. Robert looks over at Jonathan. They meet eyes
and both look away. More silence...
                                                            
                       ROBERT
I.... there's just.... I mean....
                                                            
More silence. Jonathan looks up.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Maybe... Maybe it's all a dream.
                                                            
Robert pinches Jonathan. Jonathan starts to cry.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
      (in between cries)
Robert, it's 2036. I can't believe
it.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
It just... it can't be.
                                                            
A man walks over. He is an older person, around 55.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Is everything okay? Do you guys
need any help?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
No, everything is not okay.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Do you need some help?
                                                            

8.

                       ROBERT
That would be nice, thanks...
what's your name?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Wesley Montague, but you can call
me Wesley.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Wesley, cool. My name's Jonathan.
But Montague, that sounds
familiar.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
It's probably because we just read
Fahrenheit 451... or, we did 30
years ago.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Yeah, that's probably it.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Wait, what'd you say about 30
years ago?
                                                            
                       ROBERT
You won't believe us.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Never say never.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
I didn't say never.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Wesley, we're from 2006.
                                                            
Jonathan and Robert wait for a reaction. They get none from
him, so Robert continues.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
It's 2036, right?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
That's correct.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
I don't, or we don't know what
happened... but there was a flash
of light and then we got knocked
out. We woke up and it was 2036.
                                                            

9.

                       WESLEY
How long has it been since you
guys... woke up?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Less than an hour.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Ok, let's go down to the
cafeteria. You guys need to be
filled in on everything that's
happened in the last thirty years.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
      (can't believe it)
Wait, so you believe us?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
But that's, like, crazy! Nobody in
their right mind would believe
that? I'm not saying that we're
lying to you, but seriously, Wes.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
I believe you.
                                                            
 
INT. CAFETERIA ANNEX - DAY
                                                            
The cafeteria annex is empty. Jonathan and Robert walk in,
followed by Wesley. They choose a table. Wesley sits across
from them.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
I don't know where to start. So
much has happened... so many
things have changed.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Just start with 2006.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Okay, um, in 2007, George W. Bush
actually takes over Afghanistan
and Iraq and makes them part of
the U.S.A.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
No, no way.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
I wish I were lying. After George
W. Bush invaded Korea, it was time
            (MORE)

10.

                       WESLEY (cont'd)
for another election. George F.
Allen, who was a Republican,
became president. He continued
what Bush had started and took
over Korea, along with Spain and
Britian.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Are you serious?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Yeah, a lot of Republicans got
mad. In 2012, John Edwards ran for
the Democrats and got elected. The
Green Party got more votes than
the Republicans in this election.
Anyway, Edwards didn't invade any
more countries. But there was a
big controversy. He pulled a
Clinton and wasn't reelected.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Oh?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Anyway, at your time, pop culture
is consistently growing, right?
                                                            
                       ROBERT
I would say so, yeah.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Well, while all this political
stuff is going on, the pop culture
is growing and growing and
growing. In the 2012 election, a
celebrity named John DuFraine ran
for president. He got fourth place
behind Allen, who reran.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Go on.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Anyway, pop culture kept on
growing and growing. In 2016,
Paris Hilton ran for president.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
No way.
                                                            

11.

                       ROBERT
That's a large-scale publicity
stunt.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
What party did she run for? The
Talentless Rich Party?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Actually, she had put out a bunch
of successful albums and had had a
few hit movies at this point. But
yeah, she ran under the Heiress
Party.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
You're kidding.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Here's the kicker : she won the
election.
                                                            
Robert and Jonathan sit open jawed for a few seconds.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Would you please repeat, I think
my ear took a shot of crazy.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Paris Hilton won the presidential
election. She was President from
2016 to 2024.
                                                            
Another long silence and then suddenly Robert laughs.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
That's funny. How badly did she
screw up America?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
She really didn't technically
screw up America. She is actually
considered one of the better
presidents.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
      (doesn't believe
       him)
Really?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Seriously. Her biggest
accomplishment was defeating
            (MORE)

12.

                       WESLEY (cont'd)
poverty, believe it or not. She
just thought, one day; well, what
if we just created millions of
extra dollars to help rebuild the
sick and poor communities and
didn't throw that extra money into
price inflation? So they produced
millions and millions of more
money and, for the most part,
poverty became a non-issue.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
That's actually smart. And there
was no price inflation?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
None whatsoever.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Which one of her advisors thought
of that?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Actually, it was supposedly her
idea.... But, that's no important.
When Paris Hilton became
president, pop culture took over
America, as did the youth.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
What do you mean?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Well, in 2012, a bunch of laws
were passed that allowed younger
people to do stuff. You could
drive at 13, get a job at 11, sex
became legal for 16 and under.
Don't you notice how the athletes
and celebrities were becoming
younger and younger? The youth
were slowly taking over the
popular culture.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
So when the popular culture took
over America, so did the youth.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Exactly. People started going back
to school when they were 45, and
went for 5 to 10 years in the mid
2010s. Classes became less and
            (MORE)

13.

                       WESLEY (cont'd)
less complicated. The amount of
people under 18 going to school
was dropping at a landslide. I
mean, they could go to school when
they were older.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
That's crazy.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Yeah. Eventually, 70% of high
positions in corporate businesses
were filled in by people under the
age of 18. They learned to read
and write when they were
toddlers... and they just picked
up on business stuff from their
parents.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
All because Paris Hilton was
president.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
It wasn't her fault, per se, but
she was a big factor in pop
culture taking over America.
Dakota Fanning is the main reason
youth took over pop culture. And a
lot of it was sports, too.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
What do you mean?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Well, you could see with, like,
athletes in the Olympics and
tennis and soccer. Freddy Adu, I
think is his name.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Yeah, seemed like half the people
in the Olympics this year were
teenagers.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
What's the popular music now?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Well, rap died out by 2010 when
the 5-8 years old demographic
picked up on the whole gansgter
movement.
                                                            
 

14.

EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY
                                                            
Two very young boys are dresses as gangsta-rappers. They
have durags, jerseys, baggy pants, everything.
                                                            
                       5 YEAR OLD GANGSTER # 1
Guess who I be pimpin' on now?
                                                            
                       5 YEAR OLD GANGSTER # 2
Who?
                                                            
                       5 YEAR OLD GANGSTER # 1
That slut Sally.
                                                            
                       5 YEAR OLD GANGSTER # 2
Shiiiit, dawg!
                                                            
They high five each other.
                                                            
 
INT. CAFETERIA ANNEX - DAY
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Yeah, I can definitely see that
happening.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Nowadays, the popular music is
just, like, pop music. I mean, if
POP culture takes over, then POP
music is going to, too.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Who are the big stars nowadays?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
The biggest actress, as of now, is
Heather Hensley-Pollack.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Wait, Heather Hensley? She's,
like, one of our best friends...
from 2006, that is. How old is
Heather Hensley-Pollack?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
14, I think. She's had so many big
movies. She's considered the best
actress ever. Or, at least, by
today's standards.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Better than Julia Roberts was?
                                                            

15.

                       WESLEY
Supposedly.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
I hate Julia Roberts. Her lips,
like, have their own zip code.
                                                            
There is a pause. Robert and Wesley just look at Jonathan
for a few seconds.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
What?
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Anyway, who else is big?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Well, anymore, the biggest
celebrities are between 10 and 18.
If you are a celebrity and you're
25, then you must be good. 25 is
the new 40.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Who's the oldest celebrity?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Mandy Moore's over 50. She's
slowly losing her star power
though.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
What happend to, like, Lindsay
Lohan and Hilary Duff?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Lindsay Lohan was pretty big for a
while. Then she got into drugs and
screwed her career.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Oooh, anorexia and a pot addiction
don't mix well.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
And Hilary Duff was assassinated
by a group of people who were
tired of her making crap movies
and crap music.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Thank God.
                                                            

16.

                       WESLEY
That was like 5 or 6 years ago.
Charges weren't even pressed.
Murder has become more and more
common. Murder rates have grown so
much that charges are rarely
pressed anymore.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Wow.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
So what happened after Paris
Hilton was president?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
She was re-elected in 2020. In
2024, the democratic candidate,
Michael Reading won the election.
This was mainly because pop
culture tends to be liberal.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Did he mess anything up?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
No. He had a very smooth
presidential run. He ran again and
lost to the Heiress Party's
candidate.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Who was that?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
It was a socialite heiress named
Lana Barger, grand-daughter of the
President of JetBlue Airlines.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Was she hot?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
You have to be to run for the
Heiress Party. She did a pretty
good job, until a mass terrorist
attack led by a group of rebels
from Mexico killed 5,000 people.
She didn't declare war, and the
people were upset.
                                                            

17.

                       ROBERT
What's wrong with not going to
war?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Well, enough people thought that
we were not showing enough
strength as a country to hunt down
this terrorist rebel group. Enough
people to get Miss Barger out of
the office. The next president,
democrat Grant Arlinghaus,
declared war and the people were
happy. Let's see... that was 2032.
He killed a man in 2034, and was
impeached. Re-elections were held
and then the Green Party got into
office.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Are you serious?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Yep. The vice president to Grant
wasn't going to be elected after
being associated with a murderer.
And the republican party has died
out by now.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
So the Green Party was the next
liberal party?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Yeah. Tons of celebrities got
behind Landon Behr, who is the
current president. The Ozone
Depletion and all that environment
stuff was a major issue. Actually,
nowadays, you can vote at 12,
drink at 15, have sex at 13, that
law was changed again, and drive
at 13.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
What celebrities supported Landon
Behr?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Umm, Paris Hilton's daughter,
Paris Hilton, The now over 40
years old Dakota Fanning, Heather
Hensley-Pollack, Gina-
                                                            

18.

                       JONATHAN
Tell us more about Heather
Hensley.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Heather Hensley-Pollack? I'm a big
fan, actually. I've got some DVDs
in my locker. Do you wanna see
some of her movies?
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Sure. It'll be interesting to see
what's happened to movies.
                                                            
 
INT. 3RD FLOOR HALLWAY - DAY
                                                            
Jonathan, Robert, and Wesley are walking down the hallway.
Wesley goes to a locker, while Jonathan and Robert watch a
class in progress.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Dude, we have to be, like,
dreaming or something.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
I know... this is really weird.
It's weird seing an old guy going
through his locker.
                                                            
                       CLASS
... indivisible, with liberty and
justice for all. That's hot.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
What?
                                                            
Welsey comes up behind him with a few DVD cases.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Yeah. When Paris Hilton became
president she added "That's hot"
to the end of the pledge
allegiance. It just... kind of
stuck.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
That's crazy. How old is that
teacher?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Probably 14 or 15.
                                                            

19.

                       ROBERT
That's hot.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
What'd you just say?
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Well, Paris Hilton is going to
become the president. I think we
should embrace the phrase.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
      (weirded, turns to
       Wesley)
What kind of classes are there?
                                                            
Wesley starts walking while he talks. Robert and Jonathan
follow.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Well, it depends. They have
Algebra classes. Everyone was
taught English since they were
born, so educators believe that
it's pointless to go so in depth
when you already know how to speak
and write it. There are Writing
classes, though.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Is it pretty much the same as our
old schools from 2006?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
No, it's very different. There are
other classes like 21st Century
History.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Is that how you know all this?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Yeah. I take 21st Century History
Honors. There's also classes like
Movie Studies, Music Studies, and
Computer Processing.
                                                            
Wesley leads them into a classroom.
                                                            
 

20.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
                                                            
Wesley walks into a room and turns on the TV. A commercial
is showing for a cologne by Hans Reizoll.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
What's this?
                                                            
On the TV : The commercial is black and white. First a
closeup of Hans's eyes. Next his mouth. A bass line plays in
the background. A closeup of his pecs. An upper-body shot.
                                                            
                       HANS REIZOLL
      (on the tv)
Do you want to smell sexy?
                                                            
A closeup shot of a bottle of cologne. Hans sprays some of
it on him. A closeup of his face.
                                                            
                       HANS REIZOLL
It smells so sexy. Try new
cologne, Manndirne by Hans
Reizoll.
                                                            
A shot of the bottle with the words :
Manndirne by Hans Reizoll.
It smells so sexy.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
      (sarcastic)
Wow. He's straight.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Yep. Abercrombie & Fitch models
kept on getting gayer and gayer
and gayer, until finally, it was
pretty much a rule that you had to
be gay to be a male model. Some
people would pretend to be
straight, but they were caught.
                                                            
 
INT. ROOM - DAY
                                                            
In a room, there is a line of attractive teens. An older
teen in really high shorts and a wife beater walks down the
row. He's like a drill sargeantm, only gayer. He has a
clipboard and a whistle. Every boy seems fine, except for
one, who appears nervous. The drill sargeant talks in a very
high pitched voice.
                                                            

21.

                       GAY DRILL SARGEANT
Thson, iths there a problem with
thsomething?
                                                            
                       STRAIGHT BOY
      (stuttering)
No, sir.
                                                            
                       GAY DRILL SARGEANT
You thsound thstraight.
                                                            
                       STRAIGHT BOY
I'm not, sir.
                                                            
                       GAY DRILL SARGEANT
Fine, then kithss thiths nithce
little hunk of meat over here.
                                                            
The straight boy waits a few seconds and then starts crying.
                                                            
                       STRAIGHT BOY
I just wanted to be a model!
                                                            
                       GAY DRILL SARGEANT
Thsorry, thson. You need to get
your little hiney out of here.
                                                            
The boy walks away, crying.
                                                            
 
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
                                                            
Wesley walks over to the DVD player and puts in a disc.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
For the most part, movies are
absolute crap anymore. Notice how
movies just got dumber and dumber?
Well it just continues to be
dumber and dumber. Anyway, Heather
Hensley-Pollack, for the most
part, puts out good movies that
aren't stupid ones. Every now and
then she'll bow down to sell-outs,
because they make money.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Yeah, movies are just getting
worse and worse.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Ooh, this is the trailer for her
new movie.
                                                            
 

22.

INT. THE TRAILER - DAY
                                                            
                       NARRATOR
For Evan Merrimont, things were
going perfectly.
                                                            
                       EVAN
Get those papers back to me by
2:30 at the latest.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR
Until he met Lucy London.
                                                            
                       LUCY
      (on the phone)
I found your watch and saw the
posters, so I called.
                                                            
                       EVAN
Well, could you drop it off?
                                                            
                       LUCY
Um, can't... I'm busy.
                                                            
                       EVAN
Well, when are you free?
                                                            
                       LUCY
Lunches.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR
But there was something he didn't
know.
                                                            
LUCY is talking to EVAN, and she suddenly starts drifting
off, looking at things behind him.
                                                            
                       LUCY
And... then.... what was I talking
about again?
                                                            
                       EVAN
      (weirded)
Your friend.
                                                            
                       LUCY
Oh yeah. Olivia, that silly
little...
                                                            
They're out at dinner.
                                                            
                       EVAN
Lucy, you're all that I need.
                                                            

23.

Lucy was drifting off.
                                                            
                       LUCY
What? No, Evan, I do not smoke
weed.
                                                            
Evan is talking to his friend George.
                                                            
                       EVAN
She's great, man. But there's,
like, this thing with her...
                                                            
Back to their dinner.
                                                            
                       LUCY
Wait, what was that? Sorry, I lost
my train of thought.
                                                            
Back to Evan and George.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Maybe she's an alcoholic.
                                                            
Back to their dinner.
                                                            
                       EVAN
Are you an alcoholic?
                                                            
                       LUCY
      (after a long
       pause)
What? Sorry, I wasn't paying
attention.
                                                            
                       EVAN
Are you an alcoholic?
                                                            
                       LUCY
No, of course not. What were we
talking about again?
                                                            
                       EVAN
I can't handle this.
                                                            
Evan gets up and leaves.
                                                            
                       LUCY
Wait, Evan, wait! I can explain!
                                                            
Evan stops.
                                                            
                       EVAN
Try me.
                                                            

24.

                       LUCY
I have A.D.D.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR
In this summer's most anticipated
romantic comedy, we will all learn
how to get the attention of those
we care for.
                                                            
Evan and Lucy are walking.
                                                            
                       EVAN
Did you remember to take your
medication?
                                                            
                       LUCY
Yes, wait... yes.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR
Heather Hensley-Pollack
                                                            
                       LUCY
I mean, isn't that just a bit
suggestive? I mean, you aren't
gay right?
                                                            
                       NARRATOR
Devan Porter
                                                            
Evan is talking to Lucy.
                                                            
                       EVAN
No matter where I look, I can't
find the right person. Lucy,
you.... LUCY, PAY ATTENTION!
                                                            
                       NARRATOR
With Henry Tompson.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
I don't know, try searching her
pockets.
                                                            
                       EVAN
No way, George.
                                                            
                       NARRATOR
Ritalin Love. Coming May 19th.
                                                            
 

25.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Oh my God, I hate Romantic
Comedies.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Oh my God, that's the spitting
image of Heather.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Oh my God, you're right.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Oh my God, we have to go find
Heather.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Can we stop saying "Oh my God"?
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Yeah, sure.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
How well did you know Heather
Hensley-Pollack's mom?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
She was, like, one of our best
friends.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
In 2006, that is.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
This is her movie called "The Lies
Beneath". It's a drama movie. One
of my favorites.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Alright.
                                                            
 
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
                                                            
They're midway through the movie. On the screen, Heather's
character, Betsy is being confronted by her husband, Bob.
Both characters have southern accents.
                                                            
                       BETSY
Bob, don't say those kind of
things.
                                                            

26.

                       BOB
Betsy, who am I supposed to
believe? Everyone in town is
telling me things.
                                                            
                       BETSY
      (near tears)
I can't believe you would doubt
me.
                                                            
                       BOB
Did you or did you not cheat on
me?
                                                            
                       BETSY
I did not.
                                                            
Betsy sniffles. Jonathan looks over to Robert. They nod at
each other.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Betsy's lying. She was totally
getting jiggy with the other
hillbillies.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
How'd you know? They didn't even
hint that she did.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Well, we found through playing
poker with Heather Hensley... no
Pollack, that she sniffles when
she's lying.
                                                            
 
INT. POKER TABLE - DAY
                                                            
Heather, Andrew, Jonathan, and Robert are playing poker.
It's a montage of Heather lying.
                                                            
                       HEATHER
I'm going to raise it, uh...
three.
                                                            
She sniffles. In a new shot, she throws more in. Again, a
sniffle. Next is Heather looking over her cards. She
carefully contemplates it for a few seconds.
                                                            
                       HEATHER
I'm going all in.
                                                            

27.

She sniffles. Jonathan looks at his cards for a few seconds.
He shakes his head and...
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
I fold. What was your hand? It had
to be awesome.
                                                            
                       HEATHER
Eh, it wasn't anything. I was
lying the whole time. I guess I'm
a good actress.
                                                            
                       ANDREW
Are you serious?
                                                            
                       HEATHER
Yep. I have to go to the bathroom.
                                                            
Heather gets up.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Did you guys notice that she
sniffed everytime she raised and
when she went all in?
                                                            
 
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
                                                            
The movie's over. Wesley goes to the DVD player and ejects
the disc. Robert and Jonathan are just sitting there,
thinking.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
What'd you guys think of the
movie?
                                                            
                       ROBERT
It was weird... cause it was like
watching one of our best friends
in a big movie... and that's
weird.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Drama isn't my cup of tea... but
Heather's daughter looks exactly
like Heather.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
I have to get to a class in 10
minutes. Any other questions?
                                                            
                       ROBERT
What about TV?
                                                            

28.

                       WESLEY
Well technology has advanced, so,
anymore, there is no censorship.
You can use the f-word, c-word,
s-word on TV. It's the parents
stupid fault if they let there
kids watch the programs with those
words in it. And that's because
they have different ratings for
shows, but it's more secure.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
What about nudity?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Nudity is no longer taboo.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Dude, Jonathan, let's buy a TV.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
What shows are popular now?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Nowadays, there are 11 CSI shows
and 13 Law and Order shows.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Really? Those dynasties are still
alive?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Yep, they still bring in the
ratings. Other than that, TV has
stayed pretty much the same.
There's still sitcoms, SciFi
shows, animated shows. For the
most part, TV hasn't succumb to
stupidity.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
How advanced is technology?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
The future, for you, isn't like in
the old movies. We don't fly in
our cars or have cities in the
air. It's very similar to 30 years
ago, with the basic technological
advances.
                                                            

29.

                       ROBERT
Sweet. How high are gas prices?
Cause in 2006, they were having a
fit.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
It's around 12 or 13 dollars a
gallon, normally.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
That is insane. Is the price
inflation that bad?
                                                            
                       WESLEY
Well, yeah. But if you charge
more, then you make more as well.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
I guess.
                                                            
                       WESLEY
I have to get off to my classes.
Good luck with your.... situation.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Thank you so much, Wesley.
                                                            
 
INT. LIBRARY - DAY
                                                            
Jonathan and Robert are looking through books in the
library.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
      (voice over)
Now, believe it or not, we were
having trouble believing that
Paris Hilton became president. So,
Robert and I hit the shelves to
verify this information.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Alright, I've got a book on the
2010s. What've you got?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
21st Century History: 2001-2031.
                                                            
They both walk over to the table and look through their
books.
                                                            

30.

                       JONATHAN
      (voice over)
It's not that we were disappointed
to hear of Miss Hilton's
presidency, we were just....
shocked.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
It says it right here : "In 2016,
socialite, singer, and actress
Paris Hilton ran for the
presidency under the newly created
Heiress Party.... She won the
election by a margin of 11 million
votes over the democratic..." blah
blah blah.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Yeah, my book says : "Running a
fierce campaign with the
ever-creative slogan 'That's hot.
Vote Paris', Paris Hilton gained
the presidential position in a
surprising result that took the
country through a U-turn and then
some."
                                                            
                       ROBERT
This is absolutely crazy.
                                                            
 
EXT. OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL - DAY
                                                            
Jonathan and Robert are sitting on a ledge outside of the
school talking.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Didn't we come here to talk to
Andrew?
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Yeah. The person who answered his
door said that he was at school.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Weird.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Yeah. Do you wanna try and find
him?
                                                            

31.

                       JONATHAN
It's probably not this school
anyway. I don't think he would go
here twice. I'm hungry, though.
                                                            
 
INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
                                                            
Jonathan and Robert have their drinks. A waitress walks up.
                                                            
                       WAITRESS
Are you guys ready to order?
                                                            
Robert is blatantly checking the waitress. He even leans
back to check out her hind-quarters.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Why, yes I am.
                                                            
                       WAITRESS
      (angry)
What do you want?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
I'm so sorry. He's a total idiot.
Um, I'll have a personal pizza
thing. Pepperoni, please.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
I'll have what he's having,
please.
                                                            
                       WAITRESS
That'll be out in a minute.
                                                            
The waitress angrily grabs Robert's menu. Jonathan gently
hands his menu to the waiter, half shielding himself from
her wrath. When the waitress walks away, Jonathan shakes his
head and laughs to himself.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Nice, Robert. Smooth as always.
Plus, you're like 20 years older
than her.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Doesn't mean we can't have a 2036
hook-up. It's legal now.
                                                            
A man turns on the radio close to them. Robert and Jonathan
listen to it.
                                                            

32.

                       RADIO ANNOUNCER
      (on radio)
.... man, Scott Hickey, was
arrested today. The Anderson
Township resident was accused of
molesting 10 goats at 4 different
locations. He was caught on video
at a petting zoo. Also, an
incident one year ago was brought
back into light.
                                                            
                       SCOTT HICKEY
They can't prove that the goat
looks like me!
                                                            
                       RADIO ANNOUNCER
Officials say he could face three
to five years in... Oh my God.
This just came in. Reportedly,
seconds ago, Heather
Hensley-Pollack was shot and
murdered at a press conference in
Los Angeles. Ladies and gentlemen,
this is... I'm at a loss for
words.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Oh my God, did you hear that?
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Yeah.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
      (voice over)
And then we did what anyone else
would do if they traveled in the
future and found that their best
friend from the past's daughter
had been murdered... okay, now
that I think about it, there isn't
really a stereotypical setup for
this situation.
                                                            
 
INT. MALL - DAY
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
      (voice over)
We stole money out of a lady who
was in the bathroom's purse at the
restaurant and headed off for the
mall to buy new clothes. Insert
shopping spree montage here.
                                                            

33.

In fast motion, you see Jonathan and Robert shopping for
clothes. They strike poses, try on crazy outfits, you know
the whole deal. As they're walking out of the store :
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Who leaves five hundred dollars in
their purse anyway?
                                                            
                       ROBERT
I know.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
      (voice over)
After spending 200 dollars on
clothes, we put 200 dollars into a
big poker game.
                                                            
 
INT. SIDE HALLWAY AT MALL - DAY
                                                            
Jonathan and Robert are playing poker in a group in a side
hallway at the mall.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
I'm going all in.
                                                            
Jonathan lays down his cards. Robert and him get up and
shout in excitement.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
      (voice over)
We won two thousand dollars and
decided that we were going to head
off to Los Angeles to find out
more about Heather Hensley-Pollack
and possibly find Heather Hensley.
                                                            
 
EXT. LOS ANGELES STREET - DAY
                                                            
Robert and Jonathan are walking down the streets of L.A.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Wesley knew all of that info so
well.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
I know! It was almost as if he was
reading it from a script or
something.
                                                            
 

34.

INT. SMALL RESTAURANT - DAY
                                                            
Robert and Jonathan walk into the small restaurant. They sit
down at the bar and start talking.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
What I don't understand is...
                                                            
We now get all of our attention on Alicia Newman, sitting at
a piano in the corner of the restaurant playing a song. She
is very soulful, she has a great voice, and she represents
everything that is good about music.
                                                            
                       ALICIA
(insert lyrics here - song not yet
written or chosen)
                                                            
While Alicia is playing the song, Jonathan and Robert notice
her. when the song is over, Jonathan and Robert clap
especially loud.
                                                            
                       ALICIA
Thank you. That's actually all of
my set. Thank you guys for
listening.
                                                            
Alicia gets up from the piano and starts packing things
away. While she is doing this, Robert and Jonathan are
making plans for their infultration of Hollywood.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
What we need to do is find some
sort of A-list commemerative
ceremony or mass or something.
We'll find people who knew Heather
Hensley-Pollack...
                                                            
                       ROBERT
      (continuing
       Jonathan's
       sentence)
... and then we can find Heather
Hensley. Are you sure this is a
good idea?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
I don't know. We're in the future.
We might as well find out what
happens to us and our friends,
too.
                                                            

35.

                       ROBERT
I guess. How are we going to find
out when there will be a
memorial... thing?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
We need to find someone in the
business.
                                                            
Alicia Newman sits down at a chair behind them, her back to
them. Jonathan turns around and makes gestures at Alicia.
Robert doesn't know what he's trying to say. Jonathan rolls
his eyes, gets up and walks over to Alicia's table.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Hi. I thought you were great.
                                                            
                       ALICIA
Thanks. I wish my record label
thought the same.
                                                            
Robert sits down, too.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Hi. My name's Robert.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
I'm Jonathan.
                                                            
                       ALICIA
What's up. My name's Alicia. Why
did you come and sit at my table?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
You said you were signed on to a
record label?
                                                            
                       ALICIA
I can't get you a deal, if that's
what you want. Sorry.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Oh, oh, no... NO.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Why would we want that?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Okay, this is gonna sound weird,
so bear with me here.
                                                            

36.

                       ALICIA
      (amused)
Go on.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Okay, so, you know those, like,
frozen thingies where they freeze
you up for a long period of
time... like in Austin Powers?
                                                            
                       ALICIA
Who's Austin Powers?
                                                            
                       ROBERT
You've never heard of Austin-
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
-that's not the point. Do you know
what I'm talking about?
                                                            
                       ALICIA
Yeah, I've heard of that.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Well, me and Robert were both
frozen for 30 years because our
parents didn't love us, so they
used us as guinea pigs.
                                                            
Robert looks at Jonathan weirdly, and then realizes what
he's saying and nods his head in agreement. Alicia raises
one eyebrow. She finally chuckles.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
      (softly, to
       himself)
My parents loved me.
                                                            
                       ALICIA
      (amused, still)
Go on.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
We knew Heather Hensley-Pollack's
mom. Now that Heather
Hensley-Pollack is dead, we're
trying to find Heather Hensley
and, like, find her.
                                                            
                       ALICIA
Like, find her. Huh.
                                                            

37.

Alicia sits in silence for a couple of minutes, looking at
Jonathan and Robert. She finally laughs to herself.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Well...?
                                                            
                       ALICIA
What do you want me to do?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
I don't know. There has to be a
way that you can help us.
                                                            
                       ALICIA
Believe it or not, just because I
have a record contract doesn't
mean I know everyone in Hollywood.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
We're not stupid.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Now I wouldn't go as far as saying
that, Jonathan.
                                                            
                       ALICIA
I'm sorry, I can't help you. Good
luck, though, with the whole
frozen thing.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Cold, hard...
                                                            
Robert gets up from the table and walks to the bar. Jonathan
rolls his eyes and throws a very fake smile at Alicia.
                                                            
 
EXT. STREET - DAY
                                                            
Jonathan and Robert are walking. They come across a flyer in
the street that says "Heather Hensley-Pollack Memorial
Service".
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Bingo!
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Take it. When is it?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
It's in one hour.
                                                            

38.

                       ROBERT
Dude, we have to hurry up.
                                                            
 
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF THEATRE - DAY
                                                            
Jonathan and Robert come running down the hallway. They are
stopped by a guard.
                                                            
                       GUARD
Slow down!
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Yeah, whatever. Is this the
Heather Hensley-Pollack memorial
service thing?
                                                            
                       GUARD
Yeah, where's your ticket?
                                                            
A look of suprise hits Jonathan and Roberts' faces. Quickly,
though, Jonathan recovers.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Dang it, Robert. We left it in the
car.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
      (fake sounding)
Yeah.
                                                            
                       GUARD
Well, you can't get in without a
ticket.
                                                            
Jonathan and Robert slowly start walking away. They soon
find a side door, unblocked and unlocked. Robert opens it.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
How stupid do they think we are?
                                                            
 
INT. THEATRE - DAY
                                                            
The theatre is very crowded. The stage has a table with
pictures of Heather. Someone is talking. Jonathan and Robert
look around to try and find a place with two empty seats.
They find it. The sit down next to a young blond girl. She
looks over at them for a few seconds, smiles, and then looks
back at the stage.
                                                            

39.

                       JONATHAN
      (flirting)
Hi.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
Hello.
                                                            
Robert's looking around to find people he recognizes. He
first spots Hans Reizoll, who is sitting in the front of the
theatre.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
      (to Jonathan)
Look, it's than Hans guy from the
cologne commercial.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Cool.
                                                            
Robert looks around some more. He suddenly freezes. Then
squints. Then becomes overcome with anger. His jaw drops as
we see Alicia Newman sitting a few rows in front of them.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
That cold... hard...
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
What?
                                                            
                       ROBERT
It's that Alicia singer girl from
the restaurant. That lying skank.
(imitating) "I don't know anyone
in the business. Myeh myeh myeh,
whiney whiney woo"
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
I had a feeling she was lying.
                                                            
Alicia Newman looks back and makes eye contact with Robert.
She pauses and now her jaw drops. Robert glares at her,
Jonathan does a fake happy wave.
                                                            
 
INT. OUTSIDE OF THEATRE - DAY
                                                            
The service is over and everyone is leaving the theatre. The
blond girl is surrounded by a small group of people asking
for her autograph. She seems less than thrilled. Jonathan
and Robert, who are sitting down close to her, notice.
                                                            

40.

                       JONATHAN
Hey, that's the girl that totally
digged me.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Right. You tell yourself that.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
      (flatly to herself)
I didn't know 5 people knew who I
was.
                                                            
Alicia walks out of the theatre now. A few people ask for
autographs but she blows them off.
                                                            
                       ALICIA
      (while walking)
I came here to honor a friend, not
sign autographs.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Wow.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Cold... hard...
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
I think she's right.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
What about that one Russian model,
Hans Reizoll or whatever.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Yeah, I was suprised to see him
there. I think we should follow
Alicia. She might be able to help
us.
                                                            
 
EXT. STREET - DAY
                                                            
Alicia is walking down the street with her hood up and
sunglasses on. Behind her by ten paces are Robert and
Jonathan. Robert finally speeds up and grabs Alicia's
shoulder.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Gotcha!
                                                            
                       ALICIA
Oh, God, you.
                                                            

41.

Jonathan catches up with Robert and Alicia.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Yeah, you lied.
                                                            
                       ALICIA
I know. I didn't think you would
find me again.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
That's such a justified reason,
too. We just wanted help. Cold...
hard...
                                                            
                       ALICIA
Alright, I'll help you. What do
you want help with?
                                                            
The three of them sit down on a bench.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
We need to find Heather
Hensley-Pollack's mom. We knew her
before in 2006.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Before we were frozen.
                                                            
                       ALICIA
I'm sorry, but I'm not buying the
whole frozen for 30 years thing.
Why do you want to see Heather's
mom?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Have you met Heather Hensley?
                                                            
                       ALICIA
Is that her mom's name?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Yes.
                                                            
                       ALICIA
Then no, I haven't.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Ok... then how did you know
Heather Hensley-Pollack?
                                                            
                       ALICIA
I barely did. I met her once at a
night club and we became
            (MORE)

42.

                       ALICIA (cont'd)
acquiantances. It wasn't a
friendship. If we saw each other
at an award show or something, we
would say Hello to each other. In
fact, she was kind of stuck up.
She knew she was good, she knew
she was famous... but I respected
her work and wanted to honor her
at this memorial service. And
that's not a lie.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Fair enough.
                                                            
                       ALICIA
Anything else you want to know?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
What's the deal with your record
label?
                                                            
                       ALICIA
I got a record deal with Columbia
Records. The only reason I got it
is because I'm Alicia Keys's
granddaughter.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
      (surprised)
What?
                                                            
                       ALICIA
That was enough to get me a record
deal... but I had no artistic
freedom. I had one bugglegum pop
piece of crap hit. I made a second
CD that had actual music, soul,
like you heard earlier today.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
How'd that do?
                                                            
                       ALICIA
It only sold 20,000 copies opening
week. The lead single got no
promotion. I have one more chance
to make a CD or else my record
label will drop me.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
That sucks.
                                                            

43.

                       ALICIA
Tell me about it.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
What has happened to the music
industry?
                                                            
                       ALICIA
Crappy music took over. Real soul
music, music that the atrists
wrote, real, emotional music has
been eliminated from the
spotlight. It's still alive, but I
would barely even call it that.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Well, some people like pop music
because that's their cup of tea.
There's no such thing as
technically bad music... except
for Ashlee Simpson.
                                                            
                       ALICIA
God, Ashlee Simpson's a curse word
in the music business. No, but
when Paris Hilton became
president, her kind of music took
over. She put out quite a few
really successful CDs. "Paris is
Burning" is considered a classic
nowadays.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Wow. That's crazy.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
How does Hans Reizoll know Heather
Hensley-Pollack?
                                                            
                       ALICIA
Most likely, he doesn't. He was
probably only up there to promote
his fashion show which is coming
up tonight.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
At the same theatre?
                                                            
                       ALICIA
Yeah.
                                                            
Robert and Jonathan make eye contact. They both know what
the other is thinking.
                                                            
 

44.

INT. BACKSTAGE AT THE THEATRE - DAY
                                                            
Hans Reizoll is sitting backstage with a Russian-English
translator in a chair. In the back of the stage, Jonathan
and Robert are being confronted by the guard.
                                                            
                       GUARD
You guys again?
                                                            
Jonathan and Robert are pretending to be gay hair stylists.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
What are you talking about? We're
Hanths's hair thstylists.
                                                            
                       GUARD
Hans, are these your hair
stylists?
                                                            
                       HANS REIZOLL
Yes, and they are late.
                                                            
                       GUARD
Fine, go through.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
We're thsorry that we're late,
Hansth.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
You look thsuper hott today.
                                                            
                       HANS REIZOLL
Yes, I know.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Thso, how do you want your hair
done?
                                                            
                       HANS REIZOLL
Like it's always done.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Oh, of course... th.
                                                            
Jonathan just starts playing around with Hans's hair. Every
now and then he'll spray it with water or put gel in it.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Thso, were you at the Heather
Hensthley-Pollack memorial service
today?
                                                            

45.

                       HANS REIZOLL
Yes, I was.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Oh, thso you knew Heather?
                                                            
                       HANS REIZOLL
No, I was actually going after her
brother. He is one hot piece of a-
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Oh, I know.
                                                            
Jonathan signals that he is going to puke to Robert. Robert
nods.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Did you ever meet Heather?
                                                            
                       HANS REIZOLL
Maybe once. She was nice, but I'm
not into girls.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
I'm with you there, boy.
                                                            
Robert stares at Jonathan with his jaw dropped. Jonathan
shrugs and continues on with Hans's hair.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
What's her brother's name again?
                                                            
                       HANS REIZOLL
Landon. He's so sexy, but he keeps
resiting me. Something about
liking girls and not interested. I
will get him, though.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
You dethserve him. Thso, what
country are you from?
                                                            
                       HANS REIZOLL
I am from Russia, but my family is
from Germany and Scotland also.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
That's thsexy.
                                                            
                       HANS REIZOLL
I'm not stupid, like the tabloids
say. I speak four languages
fluently.
                                                            

46.

                       JONATHAN
What languages do you thspeak,
besides English, Russian, and
German?
                                                            
                       HANS REIZOLL
Latvian.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Latvia has a language?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Well, there's your hair.
                                                            
Hans gets a mirror after first checking out his hair, he
starts checking out his abs and then his butt. Robert and
Jonathan look at him strangely.
                                                            
                       HANS REIZOLL
I look so sexy. Ugh, I don't have
my checkbook on me. Here, just
take 4,000 dollars out of my
purse. I have to go.
                                                            
Robert and Jonathan stand there in shock while Hans leaves.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
That dude has to be loaded.
                                                            
 
INT. CATWALK - DAY
                                                            
This is a montage of Hans working the runway. He first comes
out in really tight jeans and a tie. No shirt. He works the
runway while people snap his photo. He stops and pops a hip.
                                                            
                       HANS REIZOLL
I'm so sexy.
                                                            
He turns around and walks off. The next shot is of him in a
button up shirt, but it isn't buttoned. He's wearing cargo
shorts and a white undershirt. He stops, spanks himself,
pops a hip, and then turns around.

Next, he comes out wearing a vintage tee, trucker hat, and
jeans. After that (if the actor obliges) he comes out in
boxer-briefs. In the back, Jonathan and Robert are watching.
Jonathan is staring. Robert hits him and walks away.
                                                            
 

47.

INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY
                                                            
Robert and Jonathan are looking at the magazine rack in the
supermarket. In the next aisle over, the blond girl (named
Jessica Hill) is shopping. She walks out of the aisle and
passes Jonathan and Robert. Jonathan looks over.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Hey, you're the girl that sat next
to me at the memorial yesterday.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
Yeah.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
My name's Jonathan. And you
are...?
                                                            
                       JESSICA
Jessica Hill.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
You were signing autographs? What
part of the industry are you in?
                                                            
                       JESSICA
I'm an actress. I'm not famous
though. My last movie only grossed
100 million dollars at the box
office.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
What? 100 million's awesome.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
No, that's pretty far below
average.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
      (quietly, to
       Robert)
Price inflation.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Oh, yeah.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
So, how'd you guys know Heather?
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Umm, we actually know almost
nothing about her. We were trying
to find out more.
                                                            

48.

                       JESSICA
I'll tell you this much; her new
movie is going to be insanely
huge.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Ritalin Love?
                                                            
                       JESSICA
Yeah. It was the last movie that
she made before she died. It's
going to make Devan Porter huge,
too. He was going to be anyway,
with Desperate Housewives.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
They're remaking Desperate
Housewives?
                                                            
INT. TRAILER - DAY

This is the trailer for the new remake of Desperate
Housewives. First, there is a shot of a nice little street,
Wisteria Lane. Mary-Alice narrates the trailer.
                                                            
                       MARY ALICE
      (voice over)
Wisteria Lane. The poster card of
Suburbia.
                                                            
We go into a house, where Mary Alice is holding a gun to her
head. next to her is a note that says, "I know what you did,
It makes me sick, I'm going to tell".
                                                            
                       MARY ALICE
      (voice over)
In fact, it's the street on which
I killed myself.
                                                            
Mary Alice pulls the trigger. We now go to a table, where
Bree, Susan, Gabrielle, and Lynette are sitting.
                                                            
                       GABRIELLE
I just don't understand... Mary
Alice always seemed so happy.
                                                            
                       BREE
Sometimes, the people who appear
the happiest are actually the most
miserable.
                                                            

49.

                       MARY ALICE
Meet Susan. A successful
illustrator, she's getting over
her divorce.
                                                            
Susan is walking down the street.
                                                            
                       SUSAN
Yeah, I have a date with Mike. We
kissed - F.Y.I.
                                                            
Susan is sitting at the table, talking to Lynette.
                                                            
                       SUSAN
I'm trying so hard to find a
reason to not like him. It's like
he doesn't even know I exist.
                                                            
                       MARY ALICE
And Bree. To everyone else, she
seems so perfect...
                                                            
Rex and Bree are sitting at their couch.
                                                            
                       REX
I just wish you could be a bit
more supportive.
                                                            
                       BREE
What do you want me to say? My
husband loves to wear clamps
around his nipples. Hooray?
                                                            
Bree is sitting around the table with the other Desperate
Housewives.
                                                            
                       BREE
Rex cries when he ejaculates.
                                                            
                       MARY ALICE
Lynette Scavo wants to be back in
the corporate business, but she's
stuck as a stay-at-home mom.
                                                            
Lynette is sitting on the couch, talking to her husband.
                                                            
                       LYNETTE
I miss the competetiveness, I miss
having mature conversations.
                                                            
Lynette is sitting in her car.
                                                            

50.

                       LYNETTE
Are you saying that I'm a bad
mother? I have no help, my husband
is always away on business. I
haven't slept a full night in
three years, and you stand there
and judge me!
                                                            
                       MARY ALICE
Gabrielle Solis was never anything
more than a grave digger.
                                                            
Gabrielle is sitting on her bed, talking on the phone.
                                                            
                       GABRIELLE
I married Carlos because he had
everything I wanted. He had wealth
and power. But it turns out I
wanted all the wrong things.
                                                            
Gabrielle is talking to Susan.
                                                            
                       GABRIELLE
I cheated on Carlos because I
didn't want to wake up and have
the sudden urge to blow my brains
out. Not that I don't love Carlos.
                                                            
                       MARY ALICE
And meet Edie. The neighborhood
bike.... Everyone's had a ride.
                                                            
Susan and Edie are sitting on a porch, talking.
                                                            
                       SUSAN
Do you believe in evil?
                                                            
                       EDIE
Of course I believe in evil - I
work in real estate.
                                                            
Edie is standing in the street, talking to Bree, who is in
her car.
                                                            
                       EDIE
Well, you know me, a couple
tequilas and my bra unhooks
itself.
                                                            

51.

                       MARY ALICE
      (voice over)
Mandy Hopkins, Emma Reid, Sydney
Wilkins, Felicia Kennedy, Cynthia
Lopez. With Devan Porter.
                                                            
Rex is in the hospital.
                                                            
                       REX
I can't believe you tried to kill
me.
                                                            
                       BREE
Yes, well I do feel badly about
that.
                                                            
                       MARY ALICE
      (voice over)
Desperate Housewives. Coming this
September.
                                                            
INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY
                                                            
                       JESSICA
      (flirty)
So, what are you two doing
tonight?
                                                            
                       ROBERT
      (stuttered)
Us, well, um, I mean, uh...
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
      (smoothly)
We were going to go clubbing. I
haven't been to American clubs
yet. Could you maybe help us pick
the right one?
                                                            
                       JESSICA
You haven't been clubbing? Wow,
um, clubbing's a pretty common
thing among people our age.
                                                            
Jessica's cell phone starts going off.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
One second, please.
                                                            
Jessica answers the phone.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
Hello?
                                                            

52.

                       PHIL
Jess, this is Phil.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
What's up, Phil?
                                                            
                       PHIL
Not much, um, we got an offer for
a new movie.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
What's it about?
                                                            
                       PHIL
It's about a girl who falls in
love with her brother's best
friend. It's a comedy. They're
offering you the female lead.
Devan Porter has already signed on
as the brother.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
Okay. That's a pro. What's the
con?
                                                            
                       PHIL
      (tenatative)
Um, well, there's nudity.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
Nudity?
                                                            
Robert and Jonathan both perk up and listen.
                                                            
                       PHIL
Jessica, this movie will be huge.
It could be your big break.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
Phil, we've been over this. I'm
not one of those skanks that will
sell their body for fame.
                                                            
                       PHIL
Will you think about it?
                                                            

53.

                       JESSICA
Can they rewrite those scenes? You
know that I will do anything
except nudity. I will do any movie
that will get me big. I don't care
if it's smart or not. I want to be
famous, but I do not want to be a
whore.
                                                            
                       PHIL
Jessica, please?
                                                            
                       JESSICA
I'm hanging up, Phil.
                                                            
                       PHIL
Jessica, you'll never be
successful if you-
                                                            
Jessica hangs up on him.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Umm...
                                                            
                       JESSICA
      (annoyed)
What?
                                                            
Jonathan and Robert both jump.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
Sorry, my manager wants me to take
this role, but... you probably
heard.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
I, personally, think you should
take the role.
                                                            
Jessica is at first mad, but she knows (or hopes, for that
matter) that Robert is kidding.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
Shut up! What were we talking
about again?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Umm... clubbing?
                                                            
                       JESSICA
Oh yeah. Don't go to, like, normal
people clubs. All it is is a bunch
of people grinding, and drugs, and
            (MORE)

54.

                       JESSICA (cont'd)
drunk people, and basically
clothed orgies. It's just not
safe.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Where else are we supposed to go
then?
                                                            
                       JESSICA
Hollywood parties. Celebrity
parties. There's at least ten
every night in this town.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
      (sarcastic)
Oh, and we are A-list celebrities.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
I'll let you in, you could be my
date for tonight.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
      (offended)
What about me?
                                                            
                       JESSICA
You could be my assistant for the
night.
                                                            
Robert is less than thrilled, but he pretends to be excited.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Really? I could be your assistant?
I've, I've dreamed of this my
whole life!
                                                            
Jessica rolls her eyes.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
Where are you guys staying anyway?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
A hotel.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
Alright, you can stay in the guest
bedrooms at my house.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Really? You haven't even, like,
met us yet.
                                                            

55.

                       JESSICA
I'll have my security guard search
you and your bags, don't worry.
                                                            
 
INT. GUEST ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Jonathan is finished putting on his clothes for the red
carpet. While he is buttoning up his shirt, he talks to
Jessica, who is standing outside the room.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Do I have to walk the red carpet?
                                                            
                       JESSICA
Of course, it's a celebrity party.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Alright, I'm finished.
                                                            
Jessica walks in. Jonathan stands there, normal. Jessica
observes him from top to the bottom. She holds out a pair of
sunglasses.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
Good, just wear these.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
I'm really fine, actually. I've
never-
                                                            
                       JESSICA
      (defiant)
Wear them!
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Okay, fine.
                                                            
 
INT. NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT
                                                            
Jonathan, Jessica, and Robert are sitting at the bar,
drinking and talking.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
How come you guys have never been
clubbing?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Have a couple more drinks and
we'll tell you.
                                                            

56.

                       JESSICA
No, tell me!
                                                            
                       ROBERT
You won't believe us.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
I will, too. I trust you guys!
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Okay, what year is it?
                                                            
                       JESSICA
2036, duh.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Okay, thirty years ago, we were
sent into the future.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
We still don't know how it
happened, but it did... and we've
been in the future for 4 days now.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
Huh.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
You don't believe us.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
Did anyone offer you pixie sticks
in the bathroom, because they're
not pixie sticks.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
No, we're not on drugs.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
Are you sure? Cause that's a
pretty weird story.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Well, my shot had a bit of a weird
taste to it. Not that I would know
the taste of alcohol. Or, not that
I would know the taste of alcohol
from 2006. Thirty years ago...
                                                            
Jessica and Jonathan both give Robert weird looks. Then a
new song comes on. Jessica immediately starts bopping her
head to it. It's really bouncy pop-dance song.
                                                            

57.

                       JONATHAN
Is this the popular music? Eww.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
I love this song! It's Alicia
Newman. She was at the memorial
yesterday.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
This is Alicia?
                                                            
                       JESSICA
Yeah, you know her or something?
                                                            
While she's talking, she's digging the song. She closes her
eyes and bobs her head, feeling the music.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Yeah, we met her yesterday. She's
a really good singer, but this
song is just...
                                                            
                       JESSICA
Awesome! What happened to her
though?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
She wanted to stop making this
crap and start making real music.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
This is good music!
                                                            
                       ROBERT
My God, you've been brainwashed by
pop culture.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
No, I haven't. Just enjoy the
music, you're too uptight!
                                                            
 
INT. BASEMENT - DAY
                                                            
Jonathan and Robert are lying there. Suddenly, Jonathan
wakes up. He looks around. Robert gets up, too.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
It was all a dream.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
      (confused)
What was all a dream?
                                                            

58.

                       JONATHAN
      (voice over)
I'm just kidding! I would not do
that to you. Or would I? (pause)
No, seriously I wouldn't. That's
such a crappy way to end a movie.
God, I wouldn't be able to live
with myself if I did that.
                                                            
 
INT. GUEST ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Jonathan is lying on the bed, reading a magazine. Robert
knocks on the door.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Hello?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Come in.
                                                            
Robert walks in, he holds his head.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
So, how's YOUR first hangover?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Not bad, because I controlled my
drinking, unlike another
first-time drinker. I think this
gives a look into your future.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Shut up. I was thinking, when I
was drunk... How are we going to
get back to 2006?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
I really don't know. I didn't
think about that.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Are we just going to, like, stay
here in the future?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Well, it's really the present.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Don't get deep on me, I don't feel
like thinking right now.
                                                            

59.

                       JONATHAN
Didn't you say that you never
thought anyway?
                                                            
                       ROBERT
True.... I'm just... getting
homesick, I miss 2006, as weird as
that sounds.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
      (after a pause)
That does sound pretty weird.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
I mean, what did we come here for
anyway?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Umm... well, I always wanted to go
to L.A.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
See, this was all pretty stupid.
This is our fifth day in the
future and we have no clue why
we're in Hollywood.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Who really cares? We're playing
house with a really hot, wealthy
actress. That's good enough of an
accomplishment for the rest of my
life. For me, I've reached my
peak.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Way to aim high.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Where's Jessica anyway?
                                                            
 
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
                                                            
Robert and Jonathan are walking down a hallway. All of a
sudden, they hear the noise they heard in the basement in
the beginning. Jonathan and Robert make eye contact and keep
walking. It's behind the next door. Robert slowly reaches
out and opens the door. A blinding light overcomes them.
                                                            
 

60.

INT. JESSICA'S KITCHEN - DAY
                                                            
NOTE : The following is an alternate scene to "INT. HALLWAY
- DAY" above.

Robert and Jonathan walk into the kitchen. Robert goes
straight to the refrigerator. Jonathan stops dead in his
tracks. In the other room, a man with a gun is walking
slowly towards Jonathan.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Wasn't she just at the grocery
store?
                                                            
When Jonathan does't answer, Robert looks and sees the man.
He gasps.
                                                            
                       ARMED MAN
If either one of you says a word,
I'll cap you in heartbeat. Where's
Jessica?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
I don't know. We were trying to
find her.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
      (screaming)
JESSICA! SOMEONE'S IN YOUR HOUSE!
                                                            
The armed man shoots Robert, who falls to the ground.
Jessica comes running down the stairs.
                                                            
                       JESSICA
Oh my God, what's going on?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Jessica, no!
                                                            
The armed man shoots Jonathan now. He falls down.
                                                            
 
INT. BASEMENT - DAY
                                                            
NOTE : The following seen will be revised if the alternate
scene in the kitchen is chosen.

In the basement by the bar are Robert and Jonathan lying
there. Robert slowly wakes up. He stretches, looks around,
realizes where he is, and runs over to Jonathan.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Jonathan!
                                                            

61.

Jonathan slowly wakes up.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Are we in 2006?
                                                            
                       ROBERT
You had the same dream?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
I don't think it was a dream,
Robert.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Okay, did you meet Alicia Newman
in your dream?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
And Jessica Hill. We also met a
man named Wesley who told us
that...
                                                            
                       ROBERT
... Paris Hilton was president in
2016. Oh my God, did we really
travel into the future?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
I think we did.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
No way... How is it possible?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
I don't know. I think we should
check to see if it's not 2036.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Your basement looks the same.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN'S MOM
      (off screen)
Jonathan? Are you down there?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Mom?
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Mrs. Neimeyer? Oh, thank God!
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
      (sarcastic)
We're back from the future.
                                                            
 

62.

INT. COMPUTER ROOM - DAY
                                                            
While Jonathan narrates, Robert tinks out "Chopsticks" or
any other little melody on the piano next to the computer.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
      (voice over)
Robert and I agreed that we would
never tell anyone about what
happened during our little trip to
the future. I like to consider it
one of my best vacations yet.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Robert, look at this.
                                                            
Robert gets up from the piano and walks over to the
computer.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
What is it?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
      (voice over)
We did find out something
interesting.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
It's on MSNBC.com. It says,
"Wesley Montague, a young Science
major at the University of
Cincinnati, stated that he
successfully sent two boys 30
years into the future. Police are
investigating the situation..."
blah, blah, blah.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Oh my God, are you serious?
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Yeah.... wow.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Hey, check that news on Paris
Hilton under "In Other News".
                                                            
 
EXT. DECK - DAY
                                                            
                       ANDREW
So, what'd you guys do yesterday?
                                                            

63.

                       ROBERT
Uhmmm... we....
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
We hung out and did homework.
                                                            
                       HEATHER
Fun.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
So... did you hear Paris Hilton
just signed on to a new movie?
                                                            
                       HEATHER
      (sarcastic)
Ooh, I can't wait.
                                                            
                       ANDREW
Who cares anyway? Paris Hilton's
fifteen minutes of fame should be
long over. I don't know how she
still gets attention.
                                                            
                       ROBERT
Yeah....
                                                            


THE END


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From Quinn Souther Date 10/22/2005 ***1/2
I liked it. It's an old plotline, but it made me laugh a few times, and made me think what the future would really be like. Although this isn't what it's going to be like, I like thinking that things will change, even somewhat for the worse


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