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Mishka (New Version)
by Billy Lee Konga (mitchellaagard@hotmail.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Mockumentary   User Review:
NOT YET
RATED

About Hibbert, defected American and the news team that interviews him -- and gets in some serious trouble.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



MISHKA (NEW VERSION)

FADE IN:

EXT. RUSSIA MOUNTAINLANDS - DAY
                                                            
THERE ARE SEVERAL SMALL HOMES IN THIS RURAL RUSSIAN AREA.
                                                            
MIKE, an American newscaster, mid 40's, is giving a
dignified commentary on life in Russia.
                                                            
                       MIKE
The man Americans have loved to
hate still lives here in this
scenic rural Soviet community of
Mishka. Commrade Hibbert has been
living his life here with no
complaint since 1982. In those
seven and a half years he has
stirred American curiosities.
Finally, in the spirit of
Paristroika, Soviet officals have
allowed us two unprecidented days
of video access to the former
American and his way of life.
                                                            
 
INT. EARLY MORNING IN THE HIBBERT HUT - DAY
                                                            
Inside a cluttered one room hut HIBBERT, the ex-American --
wife, SLAVIKA and son MIKALAY, age 7, all lay on the corner
mattress like a heap of pigs -- they are still sleeping and
wearing the only clothes that we will see them in.
                                                            
Hibbert rouses, hobbling quickly, slidding out the hut, to
take a steamy piss at the corner of the house.
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
      (shaking)
That's awright, man.
                                                            
                       MIKE (OC)
He grew up in the privilaged
classes of capitalist America,
then settled here among Soviet
Communists. To observe his life
now would be to see the day in the
life of any other Russian.
                                                            
Two Russian women walk by in dismay as Hibbert zips up. He
sees them, but he's oblivious to the camera.
                                                            

2.

Hibbert grabs his crotch like Michael Jackson and begins
moon-walking back to the porch.
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
WHEE_HEEE!
                                                            
The two Russian women pick up the pace to get away from
Hibbert.
                                                            
 
INT. HIBBERTS SHACK - DAY
                                                            
Mikalay and Mike set waiting around a empty cable spool,
used as a table, waiting for breakfast. Hibbert is skinning
an animal hanging from the rafters. Slavika is poking small
logs into a stove where she cooks breakfast.
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
      (To Mikalay)
Commrade, this is the enemy.
Pig-dog American man. They come to
take away great Soviet vodka!
                                                            
Mikalay raises a knife to Mike.
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
      (laughing)
Wykta! Wykta. Joke. Commrade. This
one loves vodka, Mike.
                                                            
Slavika offers Mike a plate of hot diced potatoes.
                                                            
                       SLAVIKA
Want shit?
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
      (laughing)
Oh shit. I taught some English.
                                                            
                       MIKE
      (To Slavika)
Thank, you.
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
Slavika, it's PO-Tate-O. Potato.
(To Mike)
She don't speak Russian either.
Just English and Asian jibberish.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Slavika, where are your people
from?
                                                            

3.

                       HIBBERT
Hands off, commrade. She don't
know neither.
                                                            
 
EXT. VILLAGE OUTHOUSES - DAY
                                                            
Hibbert sets on a stack of logs to be interviewed. He has a
pump running in the outhouse to pump out the sewage. The
pump motor hums, a black hose floods the ground with sewage.
Several village children splash around in the sewage like it
is a regular mud puddle.
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
I moved up the work ladder, you
know? First I milk cows, then I
bottled vodka. And tudadah, now I
am village maintainance.
                                                            
                       MIKE
What work are you doing today?
                                                            
Hibbert is eating jerky with his dirty gloves on.
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
Today I am pumping the sewer. Over
here, this will be for skating.
Just watch 1992, Mishka will have
a skater in the Olympics.
                                                            
                       MIKE
What type of pay do you get for
your work?
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
I did meet Brezhnev in 82. Then we
get the monthly pay. Basically we
get everything we need. I mean, we
don't waste.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Don't you miss America? Disco?
Movies?
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
Bah! Disco is dead. A neighbor
told me. America is going PSSSTT,
just like disco.
                                                            
                       MIKE
What about American popular
culture. Surely, you think about
that occasionaly.
                                                            

4.

                       HIBBERT
We know about that!
(To son)
Mikalay!
                                                            
Mikalay comes over wet in sewage. Hibbert wispers in his
ear. Mikalay shakes his head NO.
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
      (Taking off belt)
Mikalay! Now!
                                                            
Mikalay reluctantly steps up to the camera.
                                                            
                       MIKALAY
      (Dancing
       Provocatively)
Like a virgin. Uuhh uuhh uuhh.
Like a virgin. Uuhh uuhh uuhh. . .
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
This one will go to the Moscow
Opera! Just watch.
Run away now!
                                                            
                       MIKE
What about where the Soviet Union
is going? Perestroika. Are you
sure there will be a Moscow Opera?
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
      (Long Pause)
What in the hell are you talking
about? The Opera is more powerful
then your CIA. It's okay. No
problems. All that is American
propaganda.
                                                            
Hibbert uses the belt to bet Mike.
                                                            
 
INT. HIBBERT'S SHACK - NIGHT
                                                            
Faint sound of polka music plays on radio. A kerosene lamp
lights the shack. Hibbert sits arm and arm with Mike. They
are both drunk. Slavika is passed out with a bottle of
Vodka.
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
We're friends again. Vodka makes
me a very nice man. So I came to
Russia to be a nicer man. We can
talk candid again. Okay, Mikey?
                                                            

5.

                       MIKE
Man, Slavika is soo beautiful.
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
Hey your camera man is passing
out. Let's throw him in bed with
Abber Lifsky. . . It's a lady.
Lifsky is a lady.
                                                            
                       CAMERAMAN
Is she hot?
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
What do you mean? In heat or
something?
                                                            
                       MIKE
I feel soo good. . . Commrade, you
are soo beautiful. I love you. I
love you like a brother. And
beautiful . . . Wow. Not in a
sexual way. But I just feel so
good about you. Like maybe we knew
each other in another life.
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
Like we have been drinking all
night. . . Let's talk politics.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Screw the USSR. Screw America. If
they could be like us, they would
see the beauty.
                                                            
Hibbert pulls away from the hug and goes sober.
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
Screw the USSR?
                                                            
                       MIKE
Yeah?
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
Out. Out.
                                                            
Hibbert walks Mike out the front door, then pokes his head
back in.
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
      (To Cameraman)
You stay here. We'll go find
Lifsky.
                                                            
 

6.

EXT. MORNING -- OUTHOUSES - DAY
                                                            
It is a frozen morning. Hibbert is hosing Mike off with cold
water in front of the outhouse.
                                                            
                       CAMERAMAN (OC)
I guess Hibbert threw Mike in the
crap hole for the night. It's our
last day here and Mike will have a
hangover all day.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Is this how you treat your guests?
I could have froze to death last
night.
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
Good thing for you I pumped the
shit out yesterday.
                                                            
                       CAMERAMAN
I had a good night.
                                                            
 
EXT. HIBBERT'S SHACK - DAY
                                                            
There is a strange man laying on the porch of Hibbert's
shack. Hibbert is brushing his clothes and rubbing his
teeth. The camera pans over the scene in a graceful, newsy
movment.
                                                            
                       MIKE (VO)
After a hard night of drinking the
citizens of Mishka look defeated.
Commrade Hibbert will be going to
Slishka to collect his monthly
payment from the Communist
government. It's a simple
existance, but seems to keep
Hibbert and associates content.
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
Too bad you'll be gone tonight,
we'll have one hell of a party
tonight.
                                                            
                       SLAVIKA
      (Mocking)
Yeah!
                                                            
                       MIKE (VO)
It is obvious that Hibbert is in
love with the communist ideal.
After returning from service in
            (MORE)

7.

                       MIKE (cont'd)
Viet Nam, he was devastated to
learn that his country did not
want him. Today he collects from
the country he wanted.
                                                            
Hibbert is cleaning out his ears with car keys.
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
Okay bigmouth. We go.
                                                            
 
INT. HIBBERT'S CAR - DAY
                                                            
Hibbert's broken down car rattles along a country back road.
Mike is waxing emotionally in the back seat.
                                                            
                       MIKE
      (Talking in mic)
The Communist party built this
nation on the backs of its
illiterate serfdom. We speed past
the down-trodden, the worn out,
and the depressed people of this
pristine land. . .
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
Okay, Mr. DeeJay, we're there.
                                                            
Hibbert gets out of the car.

Jogs into shack with CCCP symbol of door.

Returns with two cases of Vodka.

Loads trunk.

Gets into the car and starts the engine.
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
Hey, I got Vodka!
                                                            
Hibbert pulls two vodka bottles from out of his coat. He
begins drinking while he is driving. He uncorks one of the
bottles with his teeth and passes it back to Mike.
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
      (To Cameraman)
No. No. No. Not you. Your are
taking the pictures.
                                                            
                       MIKE
You bought vodka with your pay?
                                                            

8.

                       HIBBERT
No. Vodka is my pay. Today I was
paid in vodka not rubles.
                                                            
 
INT. HIBBERT'S CAR - DAY
                                                            
Inside the car Hibbert is obviously drunk, driving slowly
and wandering along the road.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Hibbert, do you want me to drive?
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
I'm okay now cuz we just ran out
of gas.
                                                            
The car shutters, coming to rest on the shoulder of the
road.
                                                            
                       MIKE
How far are we to Mishka?
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
Thirty minutes . . . if we were
driving.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Your dumb ass country pays you in
vodka. How's that help anybody.
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
Chill out, man. Some one will be
coming along. . . In the meantime,
I'm going to take a nap.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Hey, the problem is we have to be
out of the country in four hours.
Did you forget, traitor? We need
to leave Mishka in an hour!
                                                            
Hibbert pulls a gun out of his pants and points it at Mike.
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
Traitor? I went to Nam, Hippy.
                                                            
Hibbert swings the gun at Mike, blasting out the back
window.

Mike jumps on Hibbert.

They grapple. Roll out of car. Gun goes off again.
                                                            

9.

                       HIBBERT
Robho. uugh. uugh. Look, DeeJay.
See. You shot me.
                                                            
Hibbert lays on his back, blood coming out of his fat
stomache.
                                                            
                       HIBBERT
Awe, my mom's gonna be pissed.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Jones. I don't think we're getting
out of here anytime soon.
                                                            
Hibbert is not moving.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Wanna know something funny? It's
illegal to own a gun in the Soviet
Union. The authorities will think
we smuggled a gun in here and
killed a defector. This guy is
nothing. This guy is a piece and
he's going to be known all over.
We're like 120 miles in the
interior. . . SHIT!
                                                            
 
EXT. ROADSIDE BY HIBBERT'S CAR - DAY
                                                            
A young Police Officer riding a "granny" bicycle pedals down
the road. He rides his bike along side the car.

There is blood along the back of the car and into the trunk.

The police officer sees it.
                                                            
                       OFFICER
Everything okay?
                                                            
                       MIKE
Everything is fine. Just need some
gas . . . Petro.
                                                            
                       OFFICER
Americans? . . . Petro? What's in
here?
                                                            
                       MIKE
In the trunk?
                                                            

10.

                       OFFICER
Yeah, in here.
                                                            
                       CAMERAMAN
Vodka? It's vodka.
                                                            
                       OFFICER
Open this for me, please.
                                                            
Mike slowly walks around the car.

Turns the Key. Pops the trunk open.

Inside is Hibbert with a hideous look across his face. He is
obviously dead. There is a case of vodka further back.

The Officer eyes Hibbert for a beat.
                                                            
                       OFFICER
I see the vodka. Russian car use
vodka for petro.
                                                            
Officer pulls vodka case from the car.
                                                            
                       OFFICER
Okay. Give me two bottles. The
rest goes in the car.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Really.
                                                            
The officer gets back on his bike, wobbling off he hoists
one of the bottles. Then stops.
                                                            
                       OFFICER
Hey, wait a minute.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Yeah?
                                                            
                       OFFICER
Do I speak good English?
                                                            
                       MIKE
It's great.
                                                            
                       OFFICER
Thanks American.
                                                            
The Officer continues riding off.
                                                            
Mike quickly begins pulling through the case of vodka and
empties the bottles into the gas tank.

11.


Mike looks at his watch.
                                                            
                       MIKE
We're not going to make it.
                                                            
                       CAMERAMAN
Actually. I think that copper is
only giving us a head start.
                                                            
Mike gets in the car it cranks right up.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Well get in! We gotta get the hell
out of here.
                                                            
The Cameraman jumps in as the car peels off.

                                                            
 
INT. HIBBERT'S CAR - DAY
                                                            
HIBBERT'S CAR PULLING INTO MISHKA
                                                            
                       MIKE
We go in, we get our shit and
we're out of there.
                                                            
Slavika is on the porch in a sexy, American dress. Mikalay
is standing by.
                                                            
As the car pulls up, Slavika runs up to the car and throws
her bags into the trunk -- oblivious to Hibbert in the
trunk. Shuts the trunk.

Slavika trots to the car window.
                                                            
                       SLAVIKA
You take me Mikalay to Oz?
                                                            
A Police Officer walks quickly towards the car.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Oh crap. A cop. We'll take you.
GET IN.
                                                            
Hibbert's car slowly begins rolling out, obviously not
working well under the vodka combustion.
                                                            
                       MIKE
I don't wanna die in Russia. I
don't wanna die.
                                                            

12.

                       SLAVIKA
      (Grabbing GUN)
Give me dis!
                                                            
Slavika takes gun and fires at the police officer, who is
pursuing on his bike.

Car moving slowly.
                                                            
                       MIKE
We aren't going to make it. We're
not going to make it.
                                                            
The Police Officer is working his bike down the road.

He is catching up to the choking car!

The village children are keeping up with him!
                                                            
                       CHILDREN
      (Pretending to
       fight)
BANG. BANG. America!
                                                            
The Police Officer is pulling along side the car.

Police Officer is tired, starts to discard clothing.

He is close enough to hang onto car. He still is pedaling.

Slavika begins beating him with the butt of the gun.

His bike gives way.
                                                            
                       CAMERAMAN
WOW!
                                                            
He drags along side of car.

Falls under the car. BUMP-BUMP. The car bolts and drops.
                                                            
                       MIKE
DAMN!
                                                            
                       SLAVIKA
Go faster!
                                                            
                       MIKE
Yeah, right.
                                                            
The Officer rolls in a cloud of dust.


13.

The chasing group fades into the background as the children
come to the Officers aid.
                                                            
 
INT. HIBBERT'S CAR - DAY
                                                            
HIBBERT'S CAR RUMBLING THROUGH THE COUNTRY.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Hibbert is dead.
                                                            
                       SLAVIKA
I see'd . . .(long pause) . . . I
not love him. He's a mean man.
                                                            
                       CAMERAMAN
Where are we going Mike?
                                                            
                       MIKE
      (To Slavika)
Do you know how to get to Finland?
                                                            
 
EXT. OUTSIDE OF HIBBERT'S ON A HILL. - DAY
                                                            
                       MIKE
      (reporting)
We've arrived here, almost
precariously on this Soviet hill.
We know that troops will be moving
in. Hibbert's body lies in the
back of this car trunk. It is
solid evidence that the soviets to
manipulate against us. We are out
of vodka, so we wait here, knowing
that this Finnish border is
probably strongly enforced by now.
                                                            
As Mike commentates . . .
Young Mikalay is in the driver's seat in the car, pretending
to drive.

He shifts. He swerves.

Slowly the car begins rolling down the hill.
                                                            
                       CAMERAMAN
Mike. The car!
                                                            
All the adults running to the car --

Chasing the car -- Piling in.
                                                            

14.

                       MIKE
Oh Shit. Right for the border!
                                                            
Mike is pumping the brakes but the car keeps on rolling
faster and faster.
                                                            
                       SLAVIKA
No brakes, Mr. DeeJay.
                                                            
Up ahead the border shack comes into focus.

It is a small standing shack. Across the border road is a
red painted 2X4, support by sawhorses.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Get down. Hide. We'll coast
through.
                                                            
                       CAMERAMAN
They'll shoot.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Down, everybody.
                                                            
Mike slouches down just enough so that we can see where he
is steering.

The Cameraman goes down put keeps filming.

Slavika pushes Mikalay's face into seat.
                                                            
The car is barely coasting now.

There is the sound of polka music.

Camera POV of sole border gaurd, obviously drunk.

He holds a vodka bottle in one hand, and dances closely to a
dog on it's hind legs.

He seems indifferent to the car coasting through the border.

Car drifts off road and into tree on other side of the
border.

Passengers poke their heads out.
                                                            
                       MIKE
      (genuinely)
Oh thank you Lord. Thank you so
much.
                                                            

15.

                       BORDER GAURD
      (Laughing)
(In Russian) Congratulations to
you all! Drop us a line sometime.
                                                            
                       SLAVIKA
Good thing we come pay day.
                                                            
                       BORDER GAURD
AYE!
                                                            
The polka music picks up and the Gaurd begins dancing,
furiously, excitedly, quickly with the dog again.
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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