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Family Guy--The Prom (spec script)
by Rhonda Omberg (goingpostal39@gmail.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Animation   User Review: ***
Spec script for Family Guy.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FAMILY GUY--THE PROM (SPEC SCRIPT)

FADE IN:

INT. GRIFFIN HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
PETER, BRIAN, CHRIS, and STEWIE are on the sofa, watching
the TV.
                                                            
ON TV: CHANNEL 5 anchors TOM TUCKER and DIANE SIMMONS are
talking about the topic of the day.
                                                            
                       TOM
      (on TV)
Diane, the news for those men who
use Viagra or Cialis is not good.
Apparently some of those drugs'
long-term users have reported
incidents of blindness.
                                                            
                       DIANE
      (on TV)
That's true, Tom. Some men who use
the drug for erectile dysfunction
report that they have seen
flashing lights and then suffer
eventual complete blindness.
                                                            
Camera goes back to a 2-shot as TOM looks a little sheepish.
An awkward pause as DIANE waits for him to go into the next
story, and then the ANCHOR DESK begins to lift off the
ground, as if it is being magically levitated.
                                                            
                       PETER
Holy crap!
                                                            
                       CHRIS
The news is haunted!
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Looks like Tom has a woody that
would make Pinocchio jealous.
                                                            
CUT TO: TV SET. The camera shows only the tops of the
anchor's heads as the DESK continues to hover.
                                                            
                       DIANE
      (on TV)
Oh, Tom, is "Mini Me" trying to
give a first-person report?
                                                            

2.

                       TOM
Not at all, Diane. Now would
someone please show me a picture
of my wife? Actually, Diane, could
you move a little to the left? And
stop fading in and out.
                                                            
                       STEWIE
My God. How wonderful. I need to
obtain a levitation device of my
own if I am to control the world.
                                                            
BRIAN picks STEWIE up, raising him high into the air.
                                                            
                       STEWIE
Augh! Put me down, dog!
                                                            
                       BRIAN
I'm just showing you the power of
my own levitation device. Weeee!
      (tosses STEWIE in
       the air)
                                                            
                       STEWIE
      (as he is being
       tossed)
Aaaaa!
I...hope....you...burn...in....HELL!
                                                            
ROLL INTRO, CREDITS.
                                                            
EXT--JAMES WOODS HIGH SCHOOL--DAY
                                                            
LOIS pulls in front of the school, greeted by the excited
MEG.
                                                            
                       LOIS
Hi, honey. Get in and tell me
about your day.
                                                            
MEG can barely contain the excitement of her news and bashes
her HEAD up against the top of the CAR DOOR as she enters.
She barely notices.
                                                            
                       MEG
Ow. Guess what? Guess what?
                                                            
                       LOIS
Meg, are you okay?
                                                            
LOIS, the consummate suburban mom, takes out a HANDKERCHIEF,
licks it, and places it on the now-sizable BUMP on MEG'S
HEAD.
                                                            

3.

                       MEG
I'm great! Guess what? You're not
guessing.
                                                            
The BUMP has miraculously gone down after just a few dabs
with the HANDKERCHIEF.
                                                            
                       MEG
      (feeling her HEAD)
Hey! I don't feel anything there
anymore. What did you do?
                                                            
                       LOIS
Mom spit. It cures everything.
Except for malaria and Lou
Gehrig's Disease.
                                                            
CUT TO: B/W SEQUENCE--LOU GEHRIG'S HOUSE. An OLD WOMAN has a
giant SPONGE in her HAND, dabbing at the FACE of LOU GEHRIG,
inside his YANKEES UNIFORM. GEHRIG winces in an "aw, mom"
pose as his "mother" begins to hock up a big loogey into the
SPONGE.
                                                            
CUT TO: EXT--LOIS'S CAR OUTSIDE OF JAMES WOODS HIGH--DAY
                                                            
LOIS starts the car and moves away from the SCHOOL. The two
are in a two-shot in full frame as they DRIVE.
                                                            
                       LOIS
Now, what's your news?
                                                            
                       MEG
Oh, yeah! Billy Anderson asked me
out to the senior prom! Isn't that
great?
                                                            
                       LOIS
But you're just a sophomore. I'll
have to consult with your father
first.
                                                            
                       MEG
Oh, but Mom! I just have to go!
                                                            
                       LOIS
We'll ask your father. He's always
had a special place in his heart
for his little girl.
                                                            

4.

FLASHBACK SEQUENCE: PETER AND MEG THROUGH THE YEARS.
                                                            
A young PETER lifts MEG out of her BABY STROLLER, holding an
ICE CREAM in the other hand. The STROLLER begins to roll out
of frame, and PETER has a decision to make. He can't drop
the baby or the ice cream, so he does neither. The STROLLER
rolls to the bottom of a HILL, and stops. PETER flashes a
smile of relief, and then is taken aback as the stroller
gets STRUCK by an EIGHTEEN-WHEELER. Then, the stroller is
hit by an even larger eighteen-wheeler. A few seconds later,
PETER has a mixed reaction as the stroller is struck by a
TOUR BUS that reads "THE JUDDS" on the side.
                                                            
                       PETER
      (observing the
       wreckage)
From ruin to conversation piece,
from conversation piece to
potential profit-making
opportunity.
      (to MEG)
The Judds are gonna pay for your
college, honey!
                                                            
PETER walks with toddler MEG on his shoulders in the PARK.
He spots a giant BIRD, who takes a CRAP on one of PETER'S
SHOES. Losing focus, PETER takes MEG off his shoulders and
takes off her DIAPER, throwing it at the BIRD. The BIRD
squawks and falls off the TREE. PETER places the darling and
naked MEG back on his shoulders and whistles off merrily.
                                                            
                       PETER
      (looking back at
       the dazed bird)
Crap on me, will you? Crap on you!
                                                            
PETER'S POV as he watches a PRE-TEEN MEG at her first
BOY-GIRL BIRTHDAY PARTY. A BOY makes his way over to MEG,
and plants a kiss on her CHEEK. MEG turns RED and disappears
O.S., as PETER, tears in his eyes, slyly goes up to the BOY
and slips him FIVE DOLLARS.
                                                            
CUT TO: INT--STEWIE'S ROOM--DAY
                                                            
STEWIE is inside his CRIB, plotting world domination with
his TEDDY BEAR, RUPERT.
                                                            
                       STEWIE
Oh, Rupert. I must find the secret
of levitation. If I can do that,
imagine what kind of command I
would have over the world.
                                                            

5.

FANTASY SEQUENCE
                                                            
STEWIE is walking past the WHITE HOUSE. He turns and points
both ARMS at it, lifting the entire building off it's
foundation, allowing it to hover as people inside scream and
fall out of it. He smiles to himself, and then throws it
into the WASHINGTON MONUMENT.
                                                            
                       STEWIE
      (to HIMSELF,
       announcer voice)
Looks like Stewie Griffin has
bowled another strike.
                                                            
INT--GRIFFIN LIVING ROOM--DAY
                                                            
MEG and LOIS enter through the FRONT DOOR as PETER and BRIAN
are on the SOFA, watching TV.
                                                            
                       MEG
      (breathless)

Daddy-can-I-go-to-the-prom-pretty-please?
                                                            
                       LOIS
Peter, your SOPHOMORE daughter
wants to go to the SENIOR prom
with a boy THREE YEARS older than
she is. What do you say to that?
                                                            
                       PETER
      (not getting the
       hint)
Yeah, sure. It's every man's dream
to go out with a younger woman.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
But this is your own daughter,
Peter. And might I add, your ONLY
daughter.
                                                            
                       PETER
      (wheels are
       turning)
That's true......
                                                            
                       LOIS
      (through clenched
       teeth)
You do remember what you did at
YOUR PROM, don't you, Peter?
                                                            

6.

FLASHBACK SEQUENCE:
                                                            
PETER is sitting at a TABLE with his DATE in a fugly
POWDER-BLUE TUX. He has about a dozen PLATES that once held
food piled up in front of him. His DATE looks off, bored.
PETER has loosened his CUMBER-BUN, and takes off one of his
VANS (SHOES). A C.U. of the shoe reveals a cap on the heel.
PETER loosens the cap and takes a drink from his SHOE FLASK.
                                                            
                       PETER
      (BELCHES)
Maxwell Smart's got nuthin' on me!
Man, I am stuffed.
      (to DATE)
So, "Agent 99", wanna go to
Makeout Hill later?
                                                            
DATE slaps him and walks off, disgusted.
                                                            
CUT TO: PRESENT DAY.
                                                            
                       PETER
If my little girl wants to go to
the prom, then she can go.
      (to MEG)
Just remember, honey--if push
comes to shove--stab the guy in
the jewels with the salad fork.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Yes, because using the shrimp fork
would create a disturbance.
                                                            
MEG runs over to PETER, placing her arms around his neck.
                                                            
                       MEG
Thank you, daddy.
Thankyou-thankyou-thankyou! You
won't regret it!
                                                            
MEG runs O.S.
                                                            
                       LOIS
Thanks a LOT, Peter.
      (to HERSELF,
       walking O.S.)
Useless, I swear to God.
                                                            
                       PETER
      (waving)
You're welcome, honey. Just let me
know when dinner is ready.
                                                            

7.

                       LOIS
      (from O.S.)
Here's your damned dinner!
                                                            
BRIAN, well-familiar with the routine, ducks out of frame. A
PLATE comes flying from O.S., hitting the side of PETER'S
HEAD. FOOD covers most of the side of his FACE. He doesn't
react for a few beats, and then sticks his tongue out,
moving it to the side of his face where the food has stuck
and has begun to drip. It appears to be red SPAGHETTI SAUCE.
                                                            
                       PETER
      (smacks his lips)
Mmmm...ravioli?
                                                            
INT--MEG'S ROOM--DAY
                                                            
MEG is talking into her pink PRINCESS PHONE.
                                                            
                       MEG
      (into PHONE)
I am telling you, Marlee, my dad
is wicked-cool. He is letting me
go with Billy Anderson to the high
school prom!
                                                            
STEWIE enters the ROOM. The top of his HEAD can be seen. MEG
continues to chat on the phone, unaware of his presence.
                                                            
                       STEWIE
      (whispering)
Continue your carping. I won't be
long.
                                                            
                       MEG
      (into PHONE)
No, he didn't ask me if I put out.
                                                            
STEWIE has a modified BLOW DRYER in his hand. Moving fully
into screen, he raises it and points it directly at MEG.
Turning it on full power, a WAVE is emitted, shaking some
BOOK SHELVES above MEG'S BED. She continues talking as BOOKS
start falling off the side of the shelves onto the floor.
                                                            
                       STEWIE
      (looks at the BLOW
       DRYER)
Before I make MacGyver one of my
slave drones, I intend to ask him
how it is that he managed to make
a bazooka out of a plastic bottle,
a safety pin, and two rubber
bands.
      (walking O.S.)
            (MORE)

8.

                       STEWIE (cont'd)
Back to the drawing board!
      (thinks better of
       it; turns around
       towards MEG)
Oh, and victory is mine! Blah,
blah, blah. Is anyone listening
any more?
                                                            
                       MEG
      (into PHONE)
Yeah, he has a car...Hey, did we
have an earthquake or something?
                                                            
EXT--SPOONER STREET--DAY
                                                            
PETER, QUAGMIRE, CLEVELAND, and JOE are standing (or in
JOE'S case, sitting) in a row near the curb in front of
PETER'S HOUSE, "King of the Hill"-style. They are having a
typical guy's moment--staring into space and drinking
PAWTUCKET PAT BEER.
                                                            
                       PETER
Yep.
                                                            
                       CLEVELAND
Yeah.
                                                            
                       JOE
Yep.
                                                            
                       QUAGMIRE
Diggety-diggety!
                                                            
                       PETER
Brian and Lois are mad at me for
allowing Meg to go to the prom.
                                                            
                       QUAGMIRE
I can understand that. My high
school prom was a drunken
score-a-palooza. Ho!
                                                            
                       CLEVELAND
Oh, Quagmire. I never get tired of
your tales of youthful conquest.
                                                            
                       JOE
We'll keep close tabs on the
couple, Peter. There's laws
against statutory rape in this
state.
                                                            

9.

                       PETER
Yeah, I mean, I trust my little
girl and I just want to make her
happy. But then again, Lois isn't
going to be showing any wifely
affection for awhile if I let her
go.
      (a beat)
Gentlemen, I think I might have to
admit that I may have made an
error in judgment.
                                                            
                       CLEVELAND
Did you hear that?
                                                            
PETER, QUAGMIRE, and JOE shake their heads and reply "No".
                                                            
                       CLEVELAND
That was the sound of Hell
freezing over. Ha, ha, ha!
                                                            
                       PETER
What? You think I can't admit when
I'm wrong?
                                                            
                       QUAGMIRE
      (Laughing)
Peter, you don't even admit it
when you dial a wrong number.
                                                            
CUT TO: PETER on a PAY PHONE.
                                                            
                       PETER
No, not Leeesa...Looois. Yeah,
right. Okay, whatever you say,
crazy lady. I know you have Lois
there and if it's the last thing I
do, I'm going to rescue her from
your evil clutches!
      (hangs up, looking
       around leeringly)
I can't go back home. They'll be
expecting that...
                                                            
CUT TO: EXT--SPOONER STREET--DAY
                                                            
                       PETER
Okay, I admit I might be wrong.
Maybe.
      (sighs)
I sure hate to break the news to
Meg, though.
                                                            

10.

                       CLEVELAND
Loretta is a substitute teacher
there. I'm sure she can act as a
chaperon at the prom to deter
hijinks and mischief.
                                                            
                       JOE
I'll run a background check on the
boy and his family.
                                                            
                       QUAGMIRE
And I'll make sure all the girls
without dates are properly
escorted....allllll riiiight.
                                                            
                       PETER
This is great. See? This is what
Hillary was talking about when her
ghostwriter wrote "It Takes a
Village"...it's about neighbours
helping each other out in times
like these...wait...
      (interrupts
       himself, looks
       behind his back)
Okay, who was the bastard that
threw all these beer bottles in my
yard?
                                                            
INT--JAMES WOODS HIGH SCHOOL--DAY
                                                            
BILLY ANDERSON is holding court in front of his LOCKER. He
is wearing a BASEBALL CAP, and A HEAVILY-ADORNED LETTERMAN'S
JACKET. His friends---two boys and two girls--are in
conversation with him.
                                                            
                       BILLY
I got myself a date for the prom.
Shoot and score.
                                                            
                       ROD
Yeah, I heard, dude. I guess
you're going through with this Meg
Griffin Experiment.
                                                            
                       CONNIE
Yeah, Billy. Experiment is right.
The lab rats in Mr. Buckley's
science class have more fashion
sense.
                                                            
CUT TO: Three WHITE RATS inside a cage, sniffing the air.
The rats are wearing assorted DESIGNER CLOTHES. One of them

11.

stands up on two legs and admires herself in a MIRROR while
wearing a PINK MINISKIRT. She squeaks to her two friends.
CG: "Does my ass look fat in this?"
                                                            
                       BILLY
I think you're wrong, Connie. I
think with a little positive
reinforcement, she can look pretty
hot.
                                                            
                       CONNIE
And from which Movie of the Week
did you get that notion from?
                                                            
                       ROD
Actually it was an after school
special.
                                                            
                       SANDY
Hmmph. More like Discovery Channel
if you ask me.
                                                            
CUT TO: The opening of TV show on DISCOVERY CHANNEL. Several
APES are mugging for a camera. One is attempting to put on a
TUXEDO but gets frustrated and tears the suit instead.
                                                            
VO: And now, the Discovery Channel is proud to present it's
5000th reality show, and all commercial-free: "Dr. Jane
Goodall's Prom Story".
                                                            
                       CONNIE
      (with sarcasm)
Well, Billy. I can't wait to see
you there. I'm sure you will be
King and Queen.
      (more to herself)
As a matter of fact, I'm counting
on it.
                                                            
CONNIE'S EYES narrow into two evil slits.
                                                            
INT: DRESS SHOP--DAY
                                                            
MEG tries on PROM DRESSES, as LOIS agonizes over the
concept. STEWIE is inside a bassinet, casually observing the
scene.
                                                            
                       MEG
      (emerges from
       dressing room)
Mom! I love this one!
                                                            

12.

LOIS covers her face. MEG is wearing a DARK BLUE SATIN
number, with a slit right up the front and too much showing
in the bust area.
                                                            
                       LOIS
      (barely containing
       her angst)
Sure, that would be great...if you
were going to Paris Hilton's prom.
      (grabbing another
       dress from off
       the rack)
Here, honey...try this one. It has
ruffles.
                                                            
MEG takes the DRESS from her mother. It is a PINK RUFFLED
nightmare. She makes a face, but takes it back inside the
DRESSING ROOM.
                                                            
                       LOIS
      (shouting after
       MEG)
You'll thank me when Billy is too
tired and too drunk to fight
through all that lace.
                                                            
                       STEWIE
Be quiet, woman. I'm trying to
have an important conversation.
      (SIGHS, TALKS INTO
       HIS TOY CELL
       PHONE)
I was up too late last night,
Rupert. What is it you were
blabbering on about, anyway? Oh,
well, you can't cry over spilled
milk. Let's face facts: Demi
married the pool boy. He'll fetch
her drinks at the Beverly Hills
Country Club and rub lotion on her
back one minute and in the next
she'll become Gloria Swanson in
"Sunset Boulevard"---What's that?
A three-way conversation? Oh,
Rupert! You have such a way with
the double entendre!
      (glances O.S.)
Wait a moment, Rupert. The
pubescent trollop has emerged from
changing and...oh, dear God...it
looks like a flamingo has exploded
all over her.
      (evil snicker)
                                                            

13.

MEG--or someone who appears to be MEG--has come out of the
CHANGING ROOM. She is covered head-to-toe in PINK CHIFFON
and LACE. The top of her HEAD can barely be seen. O.S.:
STEWIE continues to laugh uproariously.
                                                            
                       MEG
      (muffled)
Mom, do I have to?
                                                            
                       LOIS
I guess not. Let's go for
something a little less
marshmallow cloud.
                                                            
                       STEWIE
Yes, you look like one of the
Lucky Charms. Looks like the only
man after you will be a
leprechaun. Ha! Ha-ha-ha!
      (into CELL PHONE)
What's the difference between a
leprechaun and an elf? I swear,
Rupert, I don't know how you made
it out of Princeton.
                                                            
INT: GRIFFIN HOUSE---NIGHT
                                                            
"Operation Meg" is ongoing in the GRIFFIN'S BASEMENT. PETER
is poring over papers with JOE, while CLEVELAND, BRIAN, and
QUAGMIRE are working the PHONES. Their BASEMENT looks much
like the headquarters of a deep-undercover spy operation,
with a bank of flashing lights on one wall, and a MEGA
COMPUTER with a large DIGITAL SCREEN on the other. All the
men (and dog) are wearing black.
                                                            
                       JOE
      (to PETER)
I've looked over all the family
driving records, their property
history, and I've gone through
court documents. The boy checks
out clean, Peter.
                                                            
                       PETER
Yeah...what does his dad do again?
                                                            
                       JOE
He works in the New England
Patriots front office.
                                                            

14.

                       PETER
Hell, as far as I'm concerned, he
can marry her! Season tickets for
life!
                                                            
                       BRIAN
      (off the phone)
Peter, shouldn't you be more
concerned about your daughter's
happiness?
                                                            
                       PETER
Of course I am. I just want what's
best for this family, and what's
best for this family is for Meg to
marry a boy who has connections to
the Patriots so that we can all
enjoy football the way it is meant
to be enjoyed...from the front row
of the press box...with Paula Zahn
and Katie Couric...in cheerleader
outfits.
                                                            
                       CLEVELAND
      (off the PHONE)
Peter, there's a problem.
                                                            
                       PETER
Oh, crap. What is it? Does it mean
no Patriots tickets?
                                                            
                       CLEVELAND
Uh, I don't know. I was just
checking with a neighbour of this
Anderson kid, and she says he
overheard him talking to some of
his friends. They're using Meg as
a tool to win a bet.
                                                            
                       PETER
      (processing the
       information)
A bet on the Patriots?
                                                            
                       BRIAN
No, Peter. They are taking the
homely girl and trying to turn her
into Eliza Doolittle.
                                                            
                       PETER
      (not getting the
       picture)
Look, I don't know who this
Doolittle woman is, but she better
            (MORE)

15.

                       PETER (cont'd)
not get her hands on my season
tickets!
                                                            
                       JOE
It's not that bad. He's a good kid
who's trying to show everyone that
Meg can be a stunner.
                                                            
                       CLEVELAND
Perhaps, Joe. But using the girl
for wagering purposes is low.
                                                            
                       QUAGMIRE
I once bet a guy that I could get
a girl to limbo naked. All I can
say is...how low can you go?
Diggety-diggety!
                                                            
                       JOE
      (to PETER)
It's up to you, Peter, but I think
you better take this up with Meg
and let her make up her own mind
about the boy.
                                                            
                       PETER
Yeah, I guess you're right. She
deserves to know the truth. Man,
doing the right thing sucks.
                                                            
                       QUAGMIRE
I try to do the right thing all
the time, if by the "right thing"
you mean two chicks at once. Ho!
                                                            
                       BRIAN
And yet women are considered the
fairer sex.
                                                            
CUT TO: INT.---JAMES WOODS HIGH SCHOOL, DAY.
                                                            
CONNIE and SANDY are inside the gym, preparing PROM
DECORATIONS.
                                                            
                       SANDY
      (mocking)
So, Connie, are you still mad
about Meg Griffin going to the
prom with Billy?
                                                            

16.

                       CONNIE
Not at all. I could care less
about his charity case. Here he
comes now with the little darling.
                                                            
ENTER BILLY and MEG. The transition has already begun. MEG
is wearing a preppy-like pullover sweater and skirt, with
necklace, and is without her usual wool cap. She is wearing
a smaller and more attractive pair of glasses.
                                                            
                       CONNIE
      (fake pleasantry)
Oh, HELLO, Meg. Hey, Billy.
                                                            
                       BILLY
We thought we'd help out. Meg is
going to do an article about the
preparations for the school paper.
                                                            
BILLY walks over to a table and starts to assemble some
decorations.
                                                            
                       MEG
Yeah, Connie. It's great what
you've done so far. I love the
colors.
                                                            
                       SANDY
So glad you approve. Are you and
Billy planning to become King and
Queen?
                                                            
                       MEG
      (embarrassed)
We just want to go and have a good
time. I haven't even thought about
the king and queen thing yet.
                                                            
ENTER NEIL, waving a piece of paper and panting hard.
                                                            
                       NEIL
Meg, I finished your prom queen
speech just a few minutes ago!
                                                            
                       MEG
      (makes "shooing"
       gesture)
Go away, Neil.
                                                            
                       NEIL
Okay, but you know where to find
me, my little prom princess.
                                                            

17.

EXIT NEIL.
                                                            
                       MEG
Ugh.
                                                            
                       CONNIE
Yeah. So, what does your dress
look like, Meg?
                                                            
                       MEG
It's blue, with ruffles on the
front and a lace bodice....
                                                            
                       SANDY
So you didn't get anything that
shows off your rack?
                                                            
                       MEG
I tried. Mom wouldn't let me.
                                                            
                       CONNIE
That's too bad. I love having
divorced parents. If mom doesn't
let me have something, I just run
to Daddy and he produces a credit
card. Instant bling.
                                                            
                       MEG
I wish my parents were divorced,
but they're so in love. It's
gross.
                                                            
                       SANDY
Yeah, old people still macking on
each other is disgusting.
                                                            
CUT TO: JAMES WOODS HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM. MEG continues to
talk to SANDY while BILLY is literally wrestling with some
particularly cumbersome crepe paper streamers that have
somehow begun to tie themselves around his neck like a boa
constrictor. In the meantime, CONNIE has excused herself and
is in the background, using a ROPE to raise a BUCKET to the
rafters of the roof.
                                                            
                       CONNIE
      (to HERSELF)
Don't worry about a thing, Meg.
You will be prom queen, and then
you'll really get your just
desserts.
                                                            
BILLY manages to take a knife and cut himself out of the
crepe paper after being taken down to the floor by it.
                                                            

18.

                       BILLY
      (panting and
       red-faced)
Hey, Sandy! I think you guys
should rethink the decorations
this year.
                                                            
INT.--GRIFFIN HOUSE--NIGHT
                                                            
PETER is pacing the floor of the LIVING ROOM, attempting to
resolve his own moral dilemma. MEG enters the FRONT DOOR.
                                                            
                       MEG
Hi, Dad! You have made me sooooo
happy! I'm going to love you
forever, even after you're old and
useless! I'm going to my room to
admire my dress again. See you
later!
                                                            
EXIT MEG.
                                                            
                       PETER
Uhhhh...okay. I guess that's a
good sign.
                                                            
ENTER BRIAN with a MARTINI GLASS in one paw.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
You didn't tell Meg, did you?
                                                            
                       PETER
Oh, Brian. I can't do it.I don't
want to burst her bubble.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Let's face it, Peter. It wouldn't
be the first time you've burst a
teenager-in-love's bubble.
                                                            
CUT TO: A TEEN PETER is standing outside the GIANT PLASTIC
HOUSE for "THE BOY IN THE PLASTIC BUBBLE".
                                                            
                       PETER
Hey, Bubble Boy. You want--you
want some cake? You got like a
food vent or somethin', or do you
eat out of a pouch like the
astronauts?
                                                            
PETER takes a plastic knife and begins to cut a slice of
CAKE. The KNIFE slips and accidentally cuts open the PLASTIC
BUBBLE.
                                                            

19.

                       PETER
Oops. Sorry. Uhhh...enjoy the
cake.
                                                            
PETER runs off as there are sounds of someone hacking and
wheezing OS.
                                                            
CUT TO: INT--GRIFFIN HOUSE--NIGHT.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Let me put it to you like this,
Peter...do you want Meg to know
the truth from you, or do you want
her to find out the hard way?
                                                            
                       PETER
Yeah, you're right, Brian. I'll go
and tell her the truth. She
deserves it.
                                                            
INT.--JAMES WOODS HIGH SCHOOL--MORNING
                                                            
SHADOWS are seen moving about inside the GYMNASIUM. A TRAP
of some sort is being set.
                                                            
                       CONNIE
Are you sure this is going to
work?
                                                            
                       ROD
I guarantee it. They'll never
suspect a thing.
                                                            
                       SANDY
Where did you get the idea for
this, Rod? More Discovery Channel?
                                                            
                       ROD
Watching that old movie "Carrie".
Sissy Spacek gets drenched with
pig blood at her prom.
                                                            
                       CONNIE
Ewwww...glad we didn't have to use
pig blood.
                                                            
                       ROD
No, this is MUCH better.
                                                            

20.

INT.--GRIFFIN HOME LIVING ROOM--EVENING
                                                            
It is PROM NIGHT. BILLY ANDERSON, PETER, LOIS, CHRIS, BRIAN,
and STEWIE, all await MEG'S descent down the stairs. CHRIS
is snapping PICTURES.
                                                            
                       LOIS
Chris, get a picture of Billy and
the limo outside.
                                                            
EXIT LOIS, CHRIS, BILLY, and STEWIE, who is in LOIS'S arms.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
      (TO PETER)
You didn't tell Meg, did you?
                                                            
                       PETER
I tried, Brian, and I couldn't do
it.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
It's all right. Cleveland, Joe,
and Quagmire are going to be
there. I'm sure that will make the
prom world safe for one night at
least.
                                                            
                       PETER
I'll be there, too, Brian.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Really. You're going to spy on
your daughter at her prom?
                                                            
                       PETER
I am the master of disguise,
Brian. Trust me.
                                                            
PETER produces a Fu-Manchu style MOUSTACHE and puts it on
his lip.
                                                            
                       PETER
I give you: Mi Pee Wong, a Chinese
exchange student.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Wow. I am fooled. This is much
better than the fetch-the-stick
trick where you only pretend to
throw it...not that I'm bitter.
                                                            

21.

                       LOIS (OS)
Chris, take a picture of me. Hey,
is this a real moonroof? Wooooooo!
                                                            
                       CHRIS (OS)
Mom! You're freaking me out!
                                                            
MEG descends down the stairs. She looks attractive, but
seems a little unbalanced.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Peter, I'll go and watch out for
her...but if the punch gets
spiked, don't automatically assume
it was me.
                                                            
INT.--JAMES WOODS HIGH SCHOOL--NIGHT
                                                            
TRISHA TAKINAWA is standing in the foyer of the SCHOOL as
PROM ATTENDEES pass by.
                                                            
                       ASIAN REPORTER TRISHA TAKINAWA
Tonight, Quahog is celebrating its
best and brightest as prom night
begins, and in nine months,
several bastard children will
enter the world.
                                                            
ENTER actor JAMES WOODS
                                                            
                       ASIAN REPORTER TRISHA TAKINAWA
Well, this is indeed a surprise.
Actor and high school namesake
James Woods has entered the
building. Tell me, Mr. Woods, are
you here at the prom unescorted?
                                                            
                       JAMES WOODS
That's none of your f***kin'
business. Where's the booze?
                                                            
                       ASIAN REPORTER TRISHA TAKINAWA
Mr. Woods, do you have a new
project to tell us about?
                                                            
                       JAMES WOODS
Yeah, I'm producing a sure-fire
hit for television. It's going to
be called "Wrestling with the
Stars". We've already shot one
episode with Queen Latifah.
                                                            

22.

CUT TO: QUEEN LATIFAH is standing next to MORT COLEMAN on a
dance floor. She is wearing a low-cut ball gown, and Mort is
in a tuxedo.
                                                            
                       MORT
It's an honor to meet you,
Latifah. Or should I say queen?
                                                            
                       QUEEN LATIFAH
Who you callin' bitch?
                                                            
LATIFAH grabs MORT and throws him down on the floor. She
throws her massive breasts into his face.
                                                            
                       MORT
      (muffled)
No! Stop! Well...no, that's
okay...continue...
                                                            
INT--JAMES WOODS HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM---NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)
                                                            
PETER, BRIAN, CLEVELAND, QUAGMIRE, and JOE are standing in
the back of the GYM, observing the scene. They are all
drinking punch. Several GIRLS pass by.
                                                            
                       QUAGMIRE
GIDDETY-GIDDETY-GIDDETY!
                                                            
                       CLEVELAND
Yep.
                                                            
                       PETER
Yeah.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Oh, really. Get original.
                                                            
MEG passes by with BILLY in tow without noticing the
"chaperons". BRIAN notices THREE TEENAGERS towards the front
of the stage, snickering at the couple. BRIAN wordlessly
exits from view.
                                                            
                       PETER
      (looking around)
Where'd Brian go? I need a refill
on my punch and he's got the
flask.
                                                            
Out of nowhere, ten hands produce flasks of all different
shapes and sizes in front of PETER'S face. His eyes widen
even more when after a moment someone produces a smoke-laden
bong.
                                                            

23.

                       PETER
Uh, thanks fellas. I don't suppose
you work in the fast food
industry, do you? Because I just
can't get this kind of service
anywhere else.
                                                            
PETER grabs a flask but JOE snatches it out of his hand.
                                                            
                       JOE
      (pouring the booze
       out onto the
       floor)
Peter, you DO know that we are
supposed to be chaperoning, right?
And you DO remember that I am a
cop, right?
                                                            
A quick TILT down reveals that an ATHLETIC BOY in a black
tux has gotten down on his knees behind an unwitting JOE,
gulping down the booze out of the flask.
                                                            
                       PETER
      (pointing down)
Gee, Joe, it's not ME who is
contributing to the delinquency of
a minor.
                                                            
                       JOE
      (glancing behind
       him)
Yikes! I'm a bad man! Don't look
at me! Avert your eyes from the
fugitive!
                                                            
JOE rolls quickly out-of-frame, embarrassed. The TEEN BOYS
behind him laugh and exchange high-fives.
                                                            
                       CLEVELAND
Poor Joe. He is now in what they
call a moral quandry.
                                                            
                       QUAGMIRE
He's probably trying to get his
wife to put the cuffs on him right
now...oh, wait...alllllll
riiiiight!
                                                            
The room darkens as the first dance begins. MEG and BILLY
begin dancing under a spotlight.
                                                            

24.

                       PETER
Aw, look at my little girl,
Cleveland. She seems so happy.
(SIGHS) I guess I just need to
resign myself to the fact that
she's growing up and she doesn't
need daddy around to bail her out
of trouble...
      (does a double
       take)
Hey, is that guy feeling her up?
                                                            
PETER rolls up a sleeve and starts to move over to the dance
floor when he is interrupted by a breathless BRIAN.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Peter! I just found out that some
of those girls over there are
planning on dumping something on
Meg when she goes onstage.
                                                            
                       CLEVELAND
Like confetti?
                                                            
                       BRIAN
No, like...well, I don't know.
                                                            
                       QUAGMIRE
Balloons? Condoms?
                                                            
                       BRIAN
I told you, I don't know.
                                                            
                       PETER
Gosh, Brian. I thought dogs had
like instincts or super X-Ray
vision or something.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
I must have left that in my other
suit.
                                                            
CUT TO: the STAGE on the opposite end of the gym. CONNIE
enters to applause.
                                                            
                       CONNIE
Thank you, Quahog. I'd like to
thank so many people for making
this a memorable year.
                                                            
                       PETER
Blah, blah. Man, can this girl
yap. Get to the point.
                                                            

25.

                       BRIAN
Don't you think we need to get
backstage and see what they're up
to?
                                                            
                       PETER
You're right. Cleveland, Quagmire,
you guys cover me. (Shatner
dramatic) I'm...going in.
                                                            
PETER moves to the right of stage, followed quickly by
CLEVELAND, BRIAN, and QUAGMIRE. CUT TO: STAGE, where CONNIE
continues her speech.
                                                            
                       CONNIE
I'd also like to thank Mayor West,
who's been nothing if not
supportive of our efforts here at
J.W.H.S.
                                                            
CUT TO: MAYOR WEST, munching on a brownie from off a
refreshment table. He waves. A TILT DOWN reveals that WEST
is wearing an expensive tuxedo with a sash that says
"MAYOR"...with no pants.
                                                            
                       MAYOR
The cleaners were closed today.
Damn private enterprise.
                                                            
                       CONNIE
And now the moment you've all been
waiting for, the announcement of
King and Queen of your prom!
                                                            
Applause as PETER, BRIAN, CLEVELAND, and QUAGMIRE creep
close to the stage. PETER gives an Army Ranger-like signal,
which no one else understands. PETER gives up, frustrated,
and disappears around the back of the stage. There, he
discovers JAMES WOODS and TRISHA making out.
                                                            
                       PETER
What the hell?
                                                            
                       CONNIE
      (from off-screen)
And the winner of the King and
Queen of the Prom for James Woods
High School, school year 2006-2007
is....
                                                            
BILLY and MEG cross their fingers. CLEVELAND and QUAGMIRE
are embraced, crossing their fingers. BRIAN pants.
                                                            

26.

                       CONNIE
James Woods and Asian Reporter
Trisha Takinawa!!
                                                            
SILENCE, then scattered APPLAUSE. A pan around the room
reveals shocked faces. JAMES WOODS and TRISHA TAKINAWA
stumble onto the stage, their own faces revealing surprise.
CROWNS are placed on their heads, and ROBES are placed
around their neck TRISHA receives a bouquet of flowers.
                                                            
                       ASIAN REPORTER TRISHA TAKINAWA
      (into microphone)
Diane Sawyer, eat your heart out!
                                                            
                       JAMES WOODS
All I can say is...it's good to be
the king! Good night and good
luck.
                                                            
JAMES WOODS and TRISHA turn to leave. A ton of SUPERBALLS
suddenly start dropping on their heads. They run for cover
to laughter and pointing from the audience, including MAYOR
WEST, who is in the corner, shaving his legs.
                                                            
                       MAYOR
I wonder if these leg pimples are
noticable?
                                                            
                       BRIAN
      (laughing)
That's what it was, Superballs?
                                                            
                       CLEVELAND
Your assumption that they are
harmless fun is incorrect, Brian.
Those things will bounce
forever...no one is safe from
their awesome power.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
It's like some kind of red
bouncing plague! Let's get out of
here.
                                                            
                       QUAGMIRE
I just like saying "Super Balls".
And by that, I mean...diggety!
                                                            
CONNIE, JAMES WOODS, and TRISHA TAKINAWA are huddled in a
corner as the SUPERBALLS bounce everywhere, hitting
everything in its path, causing people to trip and fall. MEG
and BILLY huddle under the stage, with PETER moving in
behind them.
                                                            

27.

                       PETER
Bet this wasn't how you expected
this night to end, huh?
                                                            
                       MEG
      (surprised)
Dad!
                                                            
                       PETER
Yeah, it's me. Sorry I crashed
your party but I was worried when
I heard that there was a plot to
embarrass you.
                                                            
                       BILLY
I'm sorry, too, Meg. I didn't want
to get involved, especially after
I found out what a really cool
chick you were.
                                                            
                       PETER
Billy's the one who switched the
buckets from fish guts to
Superballs.
                                                            
                       MEG
They were going to dump fish guts
on us!? Gross!
                                                            
                       BILLY
Yeah. How do you think I felt?
This tux is a rental.
                                                            
                       PETER
And he was the one who fixed it so
James Woods and Asian Reporter
Trisha Takinawa would win Prom
King and Queen.
                                                            
                       MEG
      (to Billy)
You did all that for us? That's so
sweet!
      (grabs BILLY'S
       hand)
                                                            
                       PETER
And he enjoys the poems of James
Joyce.
      (MEG and BILLY
       turn to look at
       PETER)
Hey, I checked out his MySpace. So
            (MORE)

28.

                       PETER (cont'd)
sue me.
                                                            
ENTER STEWIE through the GYM DOOR. The SUPERBALLS have taken
over, bouncing so erratically that no one is safe. Everyone
has taken a defensive position. STEWIE calmly enters the
gym, producing his further-moderated hair dryer and points
it at the balls randomly, emitting a wave that suspends them
in mid-air.
                                                            
                       STEWIE
My experiment is a success! My
first step towards world
domination! I guess this means I
better file my patent on Monday
morning.
                                                            
The GYM suddenly empties in a rush, knocking STEWIE'S
wave-emitting device to the ground. STEWIE is struck by tons
of SUPERBALLS, knocking him to the ground as he reaches for
his device.
                                                            
CUT TO: PETER, BILLY, and MEG walking away. PETER places his
arm around each of them.
                                                            
                       PETER
So, Billy. Uh, Bill. I can call
you Bill, right?
                                                            
                       BILLY
Sure, that's fine.
                                                            
                       PETER
Your dad, uh, still work in the
Patriots front office?
                                                            
                       MEG
      (annoyed)
Dad!
                                                            
                       BILLY
Yeah, he does.
                                                            
                       PETER
Just askin'. Bill, do you know
what a "dowry" is?
                                                            
                       MEG
Daaad!
                                                            
CUT TO: JAMES WOODS HIGH SCHOOL GYM. STEWIE'S "device" lies
several feet away from him, broken in pieces.
                                                            

29.

                       STEWIE
Rosebud! Rosebud! Noooooooo!!
                                                            
More SUPERBALLS tumble onto Stewie, as CREDITS ROLL.
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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From Mandey Date 10/2/2006 ***1/2
I thought it was really good. It seemed almost exactl ylike the real deal. The best parts were like Mom spit and Stweie's Lucky Charms joke and...well, it was just good. Ended a bit oddly, though.

From Drew Johnson Date 8/3/2006 ***1/2
Wow, good job, some stuff seemed like it was what the real writters of Family Guy would have put in. Real funny too. I can't wait to see when it's complete. 3.5 Stars!

From Kai Date 2/5/2006 **1/2
lol that wasnt horrible, i love the new broadcast by the asian reporter, oh and the wrestling with the stars. you definetly have some family guy material in there, well done


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