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Detective Lunch
by colin (withoutmaybe2000@yahoo.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: *1/2
horrible script i wrote in about an hour for my class the next day,

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


Bobby sits on the stoop of the midtown apartment bldg.
smoking a cigarette with deep drags. He looks distressed.
There is a small black bag between his feet. Bobby is tall
and lean, with long brown hair and sunglasses. He is
dressed like a leftover rocker wannabe with torn and faded
jeans and a tight t-shirt covered with a leather jacket.
as a car passes from the left, he looks up and Hank comes
walking across the street. Hank is a carbon copy of Bobby
only exagerated more. He has longer hair, is smaller and is
dressed similar to Bobby.
Why the hell are you sitting out
on the stoop like a jackass?
Cause i locked my keys in the car
like a jackass, so i deserve
it...plus greg didnt answer the
Yeh he's probably jerking off to
Dr. Phil again.
Yeh, hes like "ohh dr. phil please
yell at me and call me names in
your sexy southern accent"
      (laughing but
       ashamed of it)
Can we just go inside? im colder
than a fat naked eskimo.
Alright Sally, dont forget your
purse there.
Hank walks up to the door and fumbles with his keys, while
bobby picks up the bag carefully and follows him inside.


The camera follows hank and bobby up the four flights of
stairs to the last apartment, #8.
INT. #8 - DAY
      (walking in the
Heeeeey asshole! wake up, its
veterans day (it is not even
close), we got work to do!
      (tiredly, from the
       other room)
I hate goddamn veterans, what'd
they ever do for me.
Greg is a big guy with a temper but also a goofy and
friendly nature, he has short brown hair and a large frame,
he is known for getting drunk and playing hockey.
      (to bobby)
Didn't his dad die in 'nam?
Bobby shrugs his shoulders.
So what're you going to do about
your keys?
Oh i just have to bust the window
on my car and tear the stereo out,
and its key city for me.
Tear the radio out?
Yeh i might as well add insurance
fraud to my list while im at it.
Hank looks at him confused.


I've got a spare set, but they're
at my mothers pad way over in
huntington....you, uh wanna swing
me by there right quick?
      (lighting a
No can do man, i gotta go pick up
renee from her little ice-skating
      (under his breath)
      (angry and
hey man, she's got a suspended
licsense, and im all she's got!
Bobby starting mocking hank with hand motions as soon as he
started speaking
Aright..man! i get it. You're
awesome, and i get it, nevermind.
      (with cigarette in
       his mouth)
Goddamn right im awesome.
Thou shalt not take the lord's
name in vain!! (he is standing
behind hank, pointing a hackey
stick at him like Moses' staff.
Hey, its not his fault you're
catholic man, get off his balls.
      (sheepishly but
       with laughter)
Sorry, you goddamn heathen.


      (pointing at greg,
       with urgency)
Where you going right now?!
Greg looks at the hockey stick, then down at the equipment
bag at his feet, then back at the stick, then back at bobby.
Im gonna go serve drinks at the
Coliseum. (enthusiastically) If
its a good night, ill cut you in
on some of the action.
Can you drop me off at my mother's
house on your way to the rink?
Yeh, its gonna be weird though,
cause we will be going in the
opposite direction and i will have
just played three twenty-minute
Hank and Greg are both ready to leave.
You coming or gonna sit here and
talk to the walls?
Yeh im coming, its my only option,
besides, maybe you'll tear your
crotch in half on a breakaway.
Doubtful man, ive been
Greg attempts to spin the stick in his hands, but loses
control and almost splits Bobby's head open, narrowly
missing him and wiping the table clean of all the bear cans
and misc.
Can we go?


(s.m.) The three men walk out, Greg is last, and as he pulls
his hockey bag through the door, it flys around and knocks
Bobby over. Bobby looks at him with disgust.
They enter a broken down old Chevy, All three of them
slamming the doors.
(music playing) Greg is in the passenger seat, Hank is
driving, and Bobby is sitting in the rear like a child who
is being punished. Greg is eating a sandwich wrapped in wax
Greg, where the hell did you get
that sandwich?
From the rink.
      (looking in the
       rearview at
       Bobby, both are
Wha...i..., ok WHEN the hell did u
get it?
      (with a mouthfull)
Yah...i got it yesterday, i had it
in my equipment bag.
      (along with Bobby)
      (while hank is
       still awwwing)
God you're worse than orson welles
Greg stops chewing, looks down at the sandwich. Shrugs his
shoulders, and throws the remainder of the sandwich out the
hank is looking at Greg like he is new.


Man, you can't do that shit, i'm
wanted by the law!
      (from off-camera)
Yeh, man, who knew it was illegal
to turn tricks at various
interstate rest areas!
Seriously, you remember that time
that i stole that iguana from the
pet-mart and i threw it -- OH SHIT
there are lights in the rear view mirror, the same type of
light found on most police vehicles.
Bobby sees the lights and shuts up, looking down at the
little black bag.
Shit man, i gotta lamb. sorry
boys... (he reaches for the the
door handle.)
      (looking around
Dont be a douchebag, man they will
tear you in half like so much
phone book. Does anybody have any
sunshine on them?
Okay, so we'll just--
Oh wait, SUNSHINE...i get it, yeh
theres also an eight ball in my
equipment bag.


Hank and Bobby are both angry and scoff at his remark.
Damn man, you hockey players are
worse than Clapton with that shit.
It dont matter man, they're gonna
be too busy laying it on me!
may..maybe i could swipe his
sidearm and take them both out
like a---
There is a loud tap on the glass with the but of a Maglight
that surprises the three, Hank turns quickly and is
startled, and rolls the window down.
What's the trouble Barney?
Now Bobby is driving, and Hank is gone, Both Bobby and Greg
look depressed and angry, music is playing. After a minute,
they pull into the parking lot of the ice rink.
Bobby and Greg enter and immediately go in opposite
directions, Greg toward the locker rooms, and Bobby toward a
pair of payphones.
Bobby wrestles a handfull of change from his coat pocket, he
sifts through it, throwing what he doesn't want over his
shoulder., he puts the change in, dials and looks around
with disgust.
C'mon, i know you got nowhere to
go--yeh hello, ma! Hey--hello,
MA!--oh hey its me Bobby, BOBBY!
you're son Bobby.
      (to himself)
Bobby who...
Bobby, you're only son Bobby, The
Only Bobby that you know...


the camera pans over and there is a man nearby looking at
Bobby with inquisition. Bobby notices him.
      (to the man)
My mother...shes drunker than
Janice Joplin.
      (back to phone)
Listen ma, i need to come over and
get my spare keys, can you not go
any where for a while or atleast
leave your door open?
Bobby listens like he is recieving instructions.
Oh god! im sorry ma, but you are,
you're drunker than hell.
No ma, Please dont, i need to get
my spare key, i've got something
big going down later...
Bobby groans with anger and smashes the handset against the
payphone with quick fury.
      (in between
       payphone hits)
Bobby stops and hangs on the phone, he looks over to the man
and he is standing with a hotdog in one hand and a bottle of
ketchup in the other, in awe at Bobby's display, Bobby
composes himself and walks over the the bleachers. He
climbs to the top even though they are completely empty, and
leans back. He sits watching the hockey action, the sound
of the ice and skates fills the air, After a moment, a young
pretty girl comes and sits next to him.
Want a hot dog?
Renee is little and pretty with long straight brown hair and
dressed in sweatpants and a windbreaker.


      (with anger)
No i dont want a f--oh Renee it's
you. (he looks back to the ice)
how's tricks?
Been better i guess, hey have you
guys seen Hank? he was supposed to
pick me up a half-hour ago.
Bobby remembers that Hank was arrested and looks away with a
cursing glance, then back at Renee.
eehhh, yah, i hate to be the one
to tell you sweetheart, but uh,
your boyfriend got on the wrong
side of the law, we got pulled
over and he told the pig to Kss
the back of his wife's head for
him when he gets home, when the
cop asked him what he meant, Hank
said "its the only part of her
I've ever seen, and it's
      (in awe)
Oh my god...
      (matter of factly)
Yeh, he's sick.
a group of young hockey players come up and sit in the first
two rows. the camera remains behind Bobby and Renee.
Looks like we're both stuck here
until stinky nuts is done playing
grab-ass. (he gestures toward the
Renee shrugs and starts telling a rambling story about what
she bought shopping the other day, Bobby listens but it is
obvious he does not care. On the ice in the distance, greg
is skating alone toward the goal and falls violently for no


      (screaming with
Ahhh, my crotch!!
Bobby and Renee do not yet notice, but the young hockey
players are all gasping and gathering around the glass as
greg cries and attempts to get up over and over again,
falling helplessly. Bobby notices
      (yelling to greg)
I knew it man...look at you ,
laying on the ice like a broad!
      (to Renee)
C'mon, you can drop me off so i
can get my key and you can hold on
to Hank's car.
      (while greg moans
       from the ice)
Oh i cant now man, its too late,
my second session starts in twenty
minutes...but Zevon could probably
give you a ride!
Who the hell is Zevon?
He's the zamboni driver.
      (stops laughing
       and is serious)
Close up of Bobby with wind blowing in his face, he is
Hey Zevon, this is a pretty nice
ride man.
Zoomout, Bobby is sitting on the side of the zamboni, which


is slowly making its way down a busy street in the city.
Zevon is driving. he is in his sixties and has white hair
all over, he is hunkered over the steering wheel and is
wearing old driving-goggles. Bobby is clutching the black
Yeh man, this bad boy can get away
from you sometimes, gotta be
Bobby nods and looks behind, the brush that wets the ice is
down and scraping against the pavement, leaving a thin trail
of ice on which cars are sliding off the road.
it is dusk, maybe one hour of light left in the day. Bobby
comes running around the corner and past the stoop of the
same apartment bldg, across the shot and off camera. Cut to
the same street, where his car is parked. He fumbles to get
into the car and start it up as if he is in a hurry. he
drives away quickly and dangerously.
      (to himself)
Gotta hurry....not much time left
(he looks at the sky)
Bobby is shown driving through different scenes, different
neighborhoods, with different people going about their
lives. Finally, he stops the car at a dead end and gets out
of the car.
Wide establishing shot of the water front, and Bobby comes
walking out of the bushes holding the small black bag, he
walks some of the length of the beach, smoking a cigarette,
and then picks a spot and sits, facing the sunset. He takes
the last drag off of the smoke and flicks it into the sand.
He grabs the small black bag and the camera cuts to a shot
of him from behind lit by the fading sunlight. He fumbles
with something in his lap and then brings the loaded .45
caliber handgun to his temple and pulls the trigger, there
is a bang, then blackness, then music.


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From ross gelman Date 2/7/2006 *1/2
Try harder and I'll think you'll do good.

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