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Mr. Eastwood and The Three Monkeyteers
by JB Dyer (jb_dyer@yahoo.com)

Rated: G   Genre: Comedy   User Review:

What happens when three cartoon monkeys hear of a plot to kill the president?! You will find out in this amazingly funny screenplay written for a television pilot.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


Shadrack leans into Boss' window.
Oilcan eavesdrops from the door.
                       BOSS (To his assisstant)
This is great this is fantastic
the president of the United States
has chosen us here at California
Jungle to host the State of the
Union address. This says it will
be in three days and the Secret
Service is coming in tomorrow to
set up security and then the
television networks will be here .
This is too good ... a dream come
Oilcan runs around the corner and grabs his cell phone and
punches a speed dial.
                       OILCAN (To Nelson on the cell phone)
Hey nelson.
Guess what, you ain't gonna
believe this in a million years,
come on guess.
                       NELSON (To Oilcan on the phone)
Alright, I give up, Oilcan, what?
                       OILCAN (To Nelson)
No you gotta guess
                       NELSON (To Oilcan)
Alright, I just won the lottery.
                       OILCAN (To Nelson)
No, guess again.


                       NELSON (To Oilcan)
Oilcan, either tell me or it will
be kaboom right on the schnazola
the next time I get my hands on
                       OILCAN (To Nelson)
It's the president he's coming to
                       NELSON (To Oilcan)
Alright you ding dong when is he
coming and what is he going to do,
stop by Tacos and More and run for
the border?
                       OILCAN (To Nelson)
No, No, No, he is coming to the
zoo, and is going to address the
whole world, with tv and
                       NELSON (To Oilcan Sarcastically)
I give up, what do you want?
                       OILCAN (To Nelson)
No he really is coming, I heard
the zoo boss talking about it just
while ago. Gee Nelson, now you can
get out your space decoder ring
and your nuclear extra high
powered CB radio and comunicate
with Captain Kirk and make him
hold up his end of the deal.
                       NELSON (To Oilcan)
You nincompoop, its a space warp
communicator and I'll be talking
to the Big Hula Hula of Galaxy 7x.
Listen Oilcan I gotta go I got
plans to make, I will be the
president of the United States.
Nelson hangs up the phone and begins to think


                       NELSON (To Himself)
All I have to do is get in to
amphitheater where the president
will be, and since the Secret
Service already know me, they will
not pay any attention to me, and
then I will utilize the invisible
radon laser, zap the president and
the world will be mine! All mine!
Laughter of a loud sinister nature rings out as the scene
Shadrack has just overheard the conversation between Oilcan
and Nelson.
                       SHADRACK (Outloud to everyone)
Oh No!
                       MESHACK (To Shadrack, bored)
      (Laying lazily on
       a tree branch)
What now? Have you been
eavesdropping on the Playboy
channel in the employee's lounge
                       SHADRACK (To Meshack)
      (Turns to Meshack
       and hangs from
       two tree branches)
No, Meshack, your not going to
believe this!
                       MESHACK (To Shadrack)
Alright, alright, what is it?
                       SHADRACK (To Meshack)
      (Flips himself up
       onto one of the


                       SHADRACK (cont'd)
The president of the United States
is coming here to California
Jungle, and he is going to be here
in three days!
                       MESHACK (To Shadrak)
      (Turns his head
       away and closes
       his eyes)
Yeah, right.
                       SHADRACK (To Meshack pleading)
No, really! I heard the zoo boss
reading the fax to his assistant!
                       MESHACK (To Shadrack)
You have too much time on your
hands, you need to get a haircut
and get a job!
                       SHADRACK (To Meshack)
Alright then come here.
      (Points to the fax
See that paper with the eagle on
the top? Now read it.
                       MESHACK (To Shadrack)
      (Zooms in and
       reads the paper
       and his jaw drops)
You weren't kidding, President
Costello is coming here.
Boy he must've had a deprived
childhood to want to come to this
                       SHADRACK (To Meshack)
That isn't all. You know that
creepy little guy with the greasy
hair that cleans our cages?
                       MESHACK (To Shadrack)
Yeah, what about him?


                       SHADRACK (To Meshack)
He got on the phone and called
somebody, and they are going to
try and kill the President!
                       MESHACK (To Shadrack)
Come on Shadrack, why would our
version of rainman talk about
killing the President?
                       SHADRACK (To Meshack)
No I'm serious! He called somebody
named Nelson and talked about some
space dude giving the order. We
have to do something!
Billy Gote climbs into the area
                       BILLY GOTé (In a thick southern drawl)
I'm your huckleberry.
                       SHADRACK (To Billy Gote)
Give it up we are serious here!
Somebody's trying to kill the
president and we have to do
                       BILLY GOTé (In the same southern drawl)
I'm your huckleberry
      (In a John Wayne
I'm here to tell you Pilgrim, I'll
send you to your maker before you
can clear leather.
Enough! Billy this is serious, you
aren't John Wayne, you aren't Doc
Holliday, all you do is spit
bananas at flies and just happen
to be good at it.
                       BILLY GOTé (To Meshack)
Let me tell you something Pal I
can knock out a fly's eye at 50
yards and put him back 50 feet.


                       SHADRACK (To Meshack, interuppting Billy Gote)
We've got to do something, but
                       BILLY GOTé (To All)
I know just the person to call!
Humor us oh great one of the wild
west. Who?
                       BILLY GOTé (Happily Yelling)
                       MESHACK AND SHADRACK
Oh no, no way!
The scene fades to Billy Gote convincing Meshak and Shadrack
why they should call Clint Eastwood.
Meshack Shadrack and Billy Goté slip out of their cage and
make their way into Boss' office, where Billy Goté picks up
the phone.
Billy Goté punches 411 on the dialing pad of the phone.
                       BILLY GOTé (into the phone)
Hello? Hello?
                       OPERATOR (To Billy Goté in a nasal tone)
Can I help you? What city
                       BILLY GOTé (To Meshack and Shadrack)
      (Covers up the
Where does Clint Easwood live?
                       SHADRACK (To Billy Goté)
Carmen by the Sea.
                       BILLY GOTé (To Operator)
Carmen By The Sea.


                       OPERATOR (To Billy Goté)
Okay sir, what listing?
                       BILLY GOTé (To Operator)
Clint Eastwood.
                       OPERATOR (to Billy Goté)
Please Hold.
      (An automated
       voice speaks to
       Billy Goté.)
555 555 6423
                       BILLY GOTé (To operator)
Thanks punk.
Billy Goté hangs up the phone, and picks it back up and
dials Clint Eastwoods number.
The phone is answered by a female voice.
                       FEMALE (To Billy Goté)
Hello? Eastwood Residence.
                       BILLY GOTé (To Female)
This is Billy, I've done a couple
films with him.
One moment please.
Clint Eastwood comes to the phone.
                       CLINT EASTWOOD
Meshack and Shadrack listen, very wide eyed
                       BILLY GOTé (To Clint Eastwood)
Mr. Eastwood, we need your help.
                       CLINT EASTWOOD (To the phone..not necessarily to Billy Goté)
Uh Huh, I know what you're
thinking will he make just one
more movie?
      (Long Pause)


                       CLINT EASTWOOD (cont'd)
To tell you the truth I kind of
lost track myself, so you got to
ask yourself a question.
      (Another Pause)
Where was I? What do you want
                       BILLY GOTé (To Clint Eastwood)
It's punk Mr. Eastwood.
                       CLINT EASTWOOD (To Billy Goté)
That's what I said. What do you
want skunk?
                       BILLY GOTé (To Clint Eastwood)
Mr. Eastwood, me and my posse have
just learned that the President of
the United States is coming to
California Jungle to do a speech,
and there is a plot to kill him.
You are the only person we knew of
who could help.
                       CLINT EASTWOOD (To the phone again)
A man has got to know his
                       BILLY GOTé (To Clint Eastwood)
Limitations, Mr. Eastwood.
                       CLINT EASTWOOD (To Billy Goté)
Thats what I said skunk. Anyways,
I'm retired kid, I'm too old for
this kind of stuff.
                       BILLY GOTé (To Clint Eastwood)
You were Inspector Harry Callahan
in four movies, he feared no one,
he got the job done and took no
prisoners. Come on, please?
Think, what would Dirty Harry do?
                       CLINT EASTWOOD
Yeah kid you have a point,
Callahan would point his derringer
at the bad guy and say This is a


                       CLINT EASTWOOD (cont'd)
44, 45, 46, or something handgun
and can, well do something
                       BILLY GOTé (To Clint Eastwood)
That's the spirit!
                       CLINT EASTWOOD (To Billy Goté)
And can blow your dead clean off.
All monkeys chuckle and shake their heads.
                       CLINT EASTWOOD (To Billy Goté)
Ok dunk, when and where?
                       BILLY GOTé (To Clint Eastwood)
California Jungle zoo in three
days, be on the look out for
Oilcan Swartz he will be the geeky
nerdy looking dude, we will help
you spot them.
                       CLINT EASTWOOD (To Blilly Got)
How will I know it's you?
                       BILLY GOTé (To CLint Eastwood)
Codeword: Punkadelphia.
                       CLINT EASTWOOD (To Billy Goté)
Yeah that reminds me of a movie I
made once, no that was Decimal
Washington. You skunks meet me at
the front gate this Thursday,
10AM. I'll be the cool dude with
the 1960s sunglasses.
                       BILLY GOTé (To Clint Eastwood)
Remember Codeword: Punkadelphia.
                       CLINT EASTWOOD (To Billy Goté)
Gotcha punk, Codeword: Funkadelic
                       MESHACK (To Billy Goté and Shadrack)
Okay monkeyteers lets get ready!


                       SHADRACK (To all)
Yeah lets like suit up.
                       MESHACK (Billy Goté)
Billy, Clints not on the phone
anymore, put it down and lets go.
                       BILLY GOTé (To Meshack)
      (Hangs up the
All the monkeys walk toward the door.
                       MESHACK (Whispering to all)
Everyone hide! Boss is back!
Billy Goté climbs up the wall and hides on the ceiling fan,
Shadrack hides under Boss' desk, and Meshack jumps onto the
coat rack and hides under Boss' coat.
                       BOSS (To Oilcan, outside the door)
Oilcan get back to work, and stop
asking me about he president.
                       BILLY GOTé (To Himself)
Ahhh, finnaly, i can get back to
my break.
      (Pulls out a
       sandwich and a
       magazine and
       leans back in his
       chair, putting
       his feet on the
       desk and reads
       the magazine and
       takes a bite of
       his sandwich)
                       BILLY GOTé (Thinking to himself)
      (spinning on the
       cieling fan
       getting dizzy)
Maybe I can figure something out.
      (Sees the window
       behind the boss


                       BILLY GOTé (cont'd)
       is open, loses
       his grip and
       flies out the
Billy Goté, now outside the window realizes he has to create
a distraction to get Shadrack and Meshack out, so he finds a
banana, loads up and lets it fly, right to the back of the
Boss' head. Boss jumps up and looks out the window and
Shadrack and Meshack make a clean break out of the office.
They meet up with Billy Goté just inside their display.
                       SHADRACK (To Billy Goté)
Thanks man, I owe you one.
                       MESHACK (To Billy Goté)
Yeah, if it wasn't for you we'd be
in a real pickle.
                       BILLY GOTé (To all)
I had to ask my self a question.
Did I feel lucky? Well did I punk.
Alright, alright, we have work to
do. Tomorrow morning, Meshack,
you get up in the tree and look
into Boss' office and see if you
can read the fax that will be
coming in later tonight. I' ll be
with you and see what I can hear.
Billy Goté load up some magnum
force bananas.
                       BILLY GOTé (In a John Wayne swaggar)
Bein' this is a 44 magnum banana
the most powerful banana on the
planet and can blow your head
clean off...
                       MESHACK AND SHADRACK (To Billy Goté)
Billy Goté!


                       BILLY GOTé (To Meshack and Shadrak)
                       BILLY GOTé (To Meshack and Shadrack)
Sorry but a man has got to know
                       MESHACK AND SHADRACK (To Billy Goté)
Billy Goté!!!
      (Talking on his
       cell phone to the
       "alien cia agent"
       which is an
       automated voice
       saying "if you
       would like to
       make a call
       please hang up
       and try dialing
       the number again")
Yessir, he is going to be at the
California Jungle Zoo. Im having
my agent get the details tonight.
Yessir, ill charge up the ray gun
      (Does his evil
       chipmunk like
                       NELSON (Talking to himself)
      (Goes over to his
       couch and pulls
       the sheet off of
Now, i will charge up the gun.
      (Starts to push
       imaginary buttons
       on his couch and
       makes noises liek
       a machine
       starting up)


                       NELSON (cont'd)
Yes, yes my beautiful ray gun we
are finnaly going to get that man,
Irving costello!
Nelson continues talking to himself and powering up his ray
gun, and there is a knock at the door
      (Hurredly covers
       the couch and
       goes to the door)
Who is it?
                       OILCAN (To the voice on the other side of the door)
Its' me sir, Oilcan.
      (Opens the door
       letting Oilcan in
       and closes it and
       locks it back)
                       OILCAN (To Nelson)
I'm here sir, reporting for duty.
                       NELSON (To Oilcan)
Good boy, Oilcan, I need you to
sneak into the Zoo bosses office
and read the fax tonight and give
me the details on the presidents
                       OILCAN (To Nelson)
Sir...isn't it illeagal to sneak
into Boss' office at night?
                       NELSON (To Oilcan)
Yes you idiot! Now go do it!
                       OILCAN (To Nelson)
Oilcan runs into the door trying to leave and then unlocks
the door and leaves, running down the hall and to his car.


Oilcan arrives at the zoo.
                       OILCAN (To Gate Guard)
      (Walks to the
       front gate)
Guard I need back in I've
forgotten something.
                       GUARD (To Oilcan)
      (Opens the gate
       and lets oilcan
                       OILCAN (To Gate Guard)
      (Laughing to
OK, thanks.
Oilcan proceeds inside and to Boss' office
                       OILCAN (To Himself)
      (Takes out the key
       and opens the
That was easier than I thought,
now i just gotta go in and read
the fax.
      (Walking in and
       over to the fax
       machine and reads
       the top fax
       labeled "Parrot
This isn't about the president.
Oilcan leaves with the fax to show to Nelson.
Oilcan arrives back at the apartment.


                       OILCAN (To Nelson)
      (Hands the fax to
There was no fax about the
president Nelson. This was the
only one.
                       NELSON (To Oilcan)
      (Reads the fax)
You idiot! This fax is about the
president, it's just codenamed!
                       OILCAN (To Nelson)
The secret service is covering the California Jungle like a
blanket, admission security very secure.

Oilcan has entered the warehouse area and is waiting by the
shipping dock.

Nelson is in the VIP line waiting clearance with his forged
VIP pass.

Meshack is perched high in his display area, Billy with

Shadrack is near the exhibition door with his ear pressed to

Nelson approaches the Secret Service agent at the gate
                       NELSON (To SS Agent)
Do you know who I am?
                       SS AGENT (To Nelson)
No sir, who are you?


                       NELSON (to SS Agent)
I am Nelson T. Bernardi, former
candidate for the Presidency of
the United States and I have a VIP
Nelson hands the pass to the agent, it is reviewed and he is
allowed to pass.
Nelson then begins to look for Oilcan

In the meantime Clint Eastwood arrives at the gate

Clint Eastwood enters the VIP line
                       CLINT EASTWOOD (To SS Agent)
I'm here to see the president
                       SS AGENT (To Clint Eastwood)
Look old man, you and your bad
Dirty Harry Impression isn't going
to make me think your Clint
                       CLINT EASTWOOD (To SS Agent)
You know something skunk, the
three of us aren't just going to
stand here and let you deny me the
opportunity to save the President
of the United States.
                       SS AGENT (To Clint Eastwood)
Three of you?
                       CLINT EASTWOOD (To SS Agent)
Yeah skunk, Me, Ben, and Gay.
With an eruption of laughter Clint Eastwood is waived on


                       SHADRACK (To Meshack)
Hey, Meshack, Eastwood is here and
he is just inside the front gate
wandering around, and you aren't
going to belive this Oilcan and
some dude are at the shipping
dock, and the dude has this thing
in his hand that looks like a
crystal ball with a pistol handle
on it.
Somehow we have to get the three
of them together or the president
may be in danger. I know, I'll
slip out, get over to the loading
dock, and tell the guy and Oilcan
there has been a change of
location and get them to the area
of the president's speech.
Shadrack you be on the lookout for
my signal, then you will get Mr.
Eastwood in the same area.
Meshack then ventures to the shipping area. From a distance
he confronts Nelson and Oilcan and points them in the right
direction. Meshak then signals to Shadrack.
Shadrack keeps Meshack in sight as he makes his way through
the crowd and gets behind Clint Eatwood.
Shadrack continues to follow Mr. Eastwood through the crowd.
Mr. Eastwood keeps mumbling something about Sandra
                       CLINT EASTWOOD (To Shadrack)
      (He suddenly turns
       aroud and spots
       Shadrack right
       behind him)
Clyde I didn't think I 'd see you
again after those two movies.
Remember, Right Turn Clyde.


                       SHADRACK (To Clint Eastwood)
      (Motions for Clint
       to get down to
       whisper in his
                       CLINT EASTWOOD (To Shadrack)
So it was you Clyde!
                       SHADRACK (To Clint Eastwood)
No, I'm not Clyde, my name is
Shadrack, me and my two homies
found out about a plot to kill the
president and you were the only
one we could turn to.
                       CLINT EASTWOOD (To Shadrack, with doubt in his voice)
I don't know skunk, I've been
retired for a while now, I'm not
in the shape I used to be in, and
my pistol don't work anymore.
                       SHADRACK (To Clint Eastwood)
Don't you worry, we'll get you
there and you create a diversion
and we can handle the rest.
Shadrack and Clint Eastwood continue to walk through the
Suddenly there is a disturbance in front of the speakers'
                       NELSON (To all, screaming)
The presidency is rughtfully mine!
Mine I say, and I am here to claim
it, by order of the Great Mystic
and Powerful Grand Poo Poo Bear!
Nelson reaches into his jacket and pulls out his defacto
neuralizer pre-ban model(the ball with the pistol handle)
and points towards the president.
Clint Eastwood springs into action with Shadrack right
behind him.


                       CLINT EASTWOOD (To Nelson)
Listen skunk, put it down and walk
away, crying, I mean dying ain't
much of a way to be living skunk.
                       NELSON (To Clint Eastwood)
Hey Old man, it's Punk and soon to
be President Punk to you.
Oilcan stands in Clint Eastwoods way.
Clint Eastwood grabs Oilcan by the front of the shirt and
pulls him up face to face.
                       CLINT EASTWOOD (To Oilcan)
Punk you know what you are, well
what are you skunk, is it seems I
have gotten my wires crossed and I
don't know exactly what I'm going
to say but it will blow your, well
something clean, anyway, beat it
Clint Eastwood rushes over to Nelson, who is pointing his
defacto neuralizer at the President.
                       CLINT EASTWOOD (To Nelson)
Over here skunk...I'm the one you
                       NELSON (To all)
It's too late, I'm here to destroy
the president and the world will
be mine, so sayeth the Grand
Mystic and Great Poo Poo Bear of
the CIA outer space fleet!
                       CLINT EASTWOOD (To Nelson)
You don't think we are just going
to let you take over the United
States and the world just like
that do you?
                       NELSON (To Clint Eastwood)
What do you mean WE old man?


                       CLINT EASTWOOD (To Nelson)
Me, WD, and 40.
Nelson points the neuralizer directly at the president and
begins to pull the trigger.
Clint Eastwood reaches into his jacket and pulls out a dark
water pistol.
Meshack sees the folly and immediately sights in Billy
Goté's powerful lips.
                       MESHACK (To himself and Billy Goté)
Lower to the right ... there it
is. Blow Billy Blow!
Billy Goté puckers and blows with all his might and a hollow
point magnum banana suddenly splatters on Nelson's hand
forcing him to drop the neuralizer.
                       NELSON (To all)
I'm not ready to give up just yet.
Clint Eastwood pulls his water pistol upward as though there
were recoil.
                       MESHACK (To Billy Goté)
Higher to the left Billy.
Again with a mighty pucker a hollow point magnum banana
strikes Nelson in the chest knocking him to the ground.
Oilcan realizes the trouble he's in and starts to run.
                       CLINT EASTWOOD (To Oilcan)
Uh Huh.
      (Oilcan stops)
I know what you're thinking, did
he fire six shots or only five, or
four, or three...Anyway being as
this is a banana firing magnum
force water pistol and can blow
your head clean off you've got to
ask yourself a question, Do I feel
spunky? Well do ya skunk?


About that time the Secret Service agents arrive and take
Oilcan and Nelson into custody. They begin to look for the
old man who they thought did a bad Clint Clint Eastwood
impersonation. They find him at the monkey exhibit with the
three monkeyteers.
                       SPECIAL SS AGENT (Clint Eastwood)
Sir, I don't know what we would
have done without you, we thought
that old dude was a lunatic.
                       CLINT EASTWOOD (To Special SS Agent)
No thanks necessary, a man has got
to know his imitations.
                       BILLY GOTé (To Clint Eastwood)
It's limitations Clint.
                       CLINT EASTWOOD (To Billy Goté)
Yeah those too skunk.


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