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Great Gnome Caper
by Derek James Hauk (misterhauk@gmail.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***
A WIP stageplay. Dark comedy utilizing a fairly standard caper movie plot.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



GREAT GNOME CAPER

INT. ACT 1, SCENE 1 - DAY
                                                            
The curtain opens and the lights slowly come up on the
stage. We are looking into the living room of a small
apartment. There are three doors: one coming in from the
hallway, one going out to another room of the apartment, and
a closet door. There is a sofa in the middle of the room
with large pillows. A throw rug is on the floor in front of
the couch. There is a table in the back with a phone and a
lamp with large shade. LARSON enters from the hallway
cautiously.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Lily? Honey?
                                                            
Larson makes a quick sweep of the room, then comes back
towards the hallway.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Alright guys. Coast is clear.
                                                            
SETH enters nervously.
                                                            
                       SETH
Are you sure? Negative on the
Lilith?
                                                            
                       LARSON
She must be asleep.
                                                            
                       SETH
Good.
                                                            
                       LARSON
No, not good. I mean, it's good
for us, as a collective, but it's
bad for me. She doesn't like to go
to bed alone.
                                                            
                       SETH
Sucks to be you, Larson.
                                                            
JOHNNY enters nonchalantly.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
S'all right?
                                                            
                       SETH
S'all right.
                                                            

2.

                       JOHNNY
What's that?
                                                            
                       LARSON
What's what?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
That smell.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't smell anything.
                                                            
                       SETH
No, there's definitely an aroma.
It's not unpleasant.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Description?
                                                            
                       SETH
It kind of smells like a field on
a warm summer's day.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
It smells like happiness.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I think you're sniffing my linens.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Where can I get some of these
wondrously fragrant linens?
                                                            
                       LARSON
You have to move in with a girl.
As soon as you do, all of your
sheets and towels are magically
transformed.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
How?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't know. Magic, fabric-loving
pixies.
                                                            
                       SETH
I don't trust fabric-loving
pixies.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You're impist.
                                                            

3.

                       SETH
What?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You have an unfounded prejudice
against small, magical creatures.
Impist.
                                                            
                       SETH
Even pretending that's a real
word, I am not an impist.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Are you a nudist?
                                                            
                       LARSON
An artist?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
A Marxist?
                                                            
                       SETH
      (confused)
I'm not...I wasn't...I don't even
remember what I'm defending myself
against.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What's taking so long? Seth, go
get the slackers.
                                                            
                       SETH
How come I always got to go get
the slackers?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Because you always go get the
slackers. If you didn't always go
get the slackers, then you
wouldn't always have to go get the
slackers.
                                                            
                       SETH
I think you just blew one of the
synapses in my brain.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Dammit, Johnny, don't give Seth an
aneuryism. He still owes me five
dollars.
                                                            

4.

                       SETH
      (hand to head)
I can feel parts of my brain dying
as we speak. I just forgot how to
ride a bike.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Stop whining and go get the
slackers.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (as he leaves)
Fine. I'll go get the slackers.
But next time, Johnny gets the
slackers. I will meanwhile be busy
having a seizure.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Where is the Lilith?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Asleep. It's late. Normal people
go to sleep when it's late.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I've always wondered what it would
be like to be normal.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I've tried it. It's boring. Very
boring.
                                                            
DALE and Seth enter. Seth is still nervous, which annoys
Dale to no end.
                                                            
                       DALE
Yo, someone tell Seth to simmer
the hell down. He's like a Jewish
mother over here.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Did you just say "yo"?
                                                            
                       DALE
Yes, yes I did. Problem?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Boy, I haven't heard a good "yo"
since, well, I don't know when.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Maybe that's for the best.
                                                            

5.

                       SETH
What do you mean I'm like a Jewish
mother?
                                                            
                       DALE
You're just all whiny and you keep
worrying about stuff, and you're
just really being a downer.
                                                            
                       SETH
Do you have any Jewish friends?
Have you ever met a Jewish mother?
                                                            
                       DALE
      (defensively)
I saw a Neil Diamond play.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Simon, Dale.
                                                            
                       DALE
Pardon?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Neil Simon. You said Neil Diamond,
you meant Neil Simon.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (singing)
Me and Julio down by the
schoolyard.
                                                            
                       LARSON
That's Paul Simon. Neil Simon is
the playwright. Trust me, I did a
term paper on him.
                                                            
                       SETH
How did you do?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't want to talk about it.
Suffice to say, there's a reason I
dropped my English minor.
                                                            
                       DALE
Well, I suppose that's better than
me dropping my English MAJOR.
                                                            

6.

                       LARSON
You know, if you can't tell the
difference between Neil Diamond
and Neil Simon, maybe you should
drop your English major.
                                                            
                       DALE
Yeah, I kind of picked that one at
random.
                                                            
                       SETH
That's how my brother became
pre-law.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Hey, where's Ashley?
                                                            
                       SETH
I couldn't find her.
                                                            
                       DALE
She went out for a smoke.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (worried)
She's outside?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Hey, I don't allow smoking in my
apartment, okay? It makes Lily all
phlegmy.
                                                            
                       DALE
That's disgusting. Please don't
mention that ever again.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I am simply stating a basic
medical fact. There's not much I
can do about it. If I am to love
Lilith, then I am to also love her
allergies.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
That's pretty kinky.
                                                            
                       SETH
Ashley's going to get caught.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I'm pretty sure she's allowed to
smoke in front of the building.
                                                            

7.

                       SETH
Not for smoking, spacewaster. She
has the product.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (snapping)
You let her go outside with the
product?
                                                            
                       DALE
      (apologetically)
It's in a bag. You can't really
tell what it is unless you get up
close.
                                                            
                       LARSON
See, cops usually get up close,
Dale.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Cops can get as close as they
want. And you can't give them any
lip. They don't take kindly to
insult.
                                                            
                       LARSON
They have a limited appreciation
of satire as well. And forget
about sarcasm.
                                                            
                       SETH
She's gonna get caught and we're
all going down.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Down where, exactly?
                                                            
                       SETH
You know. Down.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Is there a certain distance down
that we'll be going? Or a specific
location?
                                                            
                       DALE
And is it down? Or is it south?
And if we look at the map from the
side, will we be going west?
                                                            
                       SETH
I'm serious, guys.
                                                            

8.

                       LARSON
So are we, Seth. Semantics are no
laughing manner.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
It's like a George Carlin bit.
                                                            
                       DALE
Only with a lot less cussing.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Well, we don't need to work blue,
now do we?
                                                            
                       SETH
I think you've forgotten about our
dilemma. Ashley is...
                                                            
ASHLEY enters carrying a large sack or backpack.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Ashley is what?
                                                            
                       SETH
Ashley is right here.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Good smoke?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Below average. I think I might
need to quit for awhile.
                                                            
                       DALE
Seventeenth times a charm.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I didn't get a chance to really
enjoy it. I had to get the
evidence away from public view.
                                                            
                       LARSON
See? Ash is responsible.
                                                            
                       SETH
I never said she wasn't.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Oh yeah, Seth was harsh. He does
not trust your stealth skills at
all.
                                                            

9.

                       ASHLEY
You can't question my skills. I'm
like a ninja. A nicotine-addicted
ninja.
                                                            
                       DALE
Preaching to the choir. But Seth
thought you were going to get us
sent up the river.
                                                            
                       LARSON
No, we were going down, not up.
                                                            
                       DALE
Down the river?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
There was no river, just a
direction.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Well, we're not going in any
direction. We'll be staying away
from all bodies of water. We're
good.
                                                            
                       DALE
So Seth can finally relax?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Seth will never be able to relax.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You know, stress can cause ulcers,
among other health problems.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Don't tell him that. It'll just
make him worry more.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Yeah, and then his hair will fall
out.
                                                            
                       SETH
My hair?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Oh yeah, stress can cause your
hair to go grey, or even to fall
out.
                                                            

10.

                       SETH
I hate you people. I really,
really hate you people.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Alright, as much fun as it is to
see Seth squirm, and it is very
fun indeed, let's see the product.
                                                            
                       DALE
I think it's our biggest score
yet.
                                                            
                       SETH
It's more of an ideological
victory than anything else.
                                                            
                       DALE
Ida what?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Ideological. Adjective form of the
noun ideology: The body of ideas
reflecting the social needs and
aspirations of an individual,
group, class, or culture.
                                                            
                       DALE
Ever since you won the spelling
bee.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I can't believe you tried to
memorize the dictionary just to
win a spelling bee.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I was always an overachiever.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I wanna see it!
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (sage-like)
Patience, young Jonathon. All will
be revealed in time.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Can I get a drumroll?
                                                            
                       DALE
No.
                                                            

11.

                       ASHLEY
Just a little one?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
No drumroll.
                                                            
                       LARSON
It would be rather hollow, seeing
as how we already know what's in
the bag.
                                                            
                       SETH
How about instead of a drumroll,
we all just ooh and ah?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Sounds fair.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Alright. Prepare to be dazzled.
                                                            
Ashley puts the bag on the table and pulls it down,
revealing a garden gnome statue. The guys all fake
amazement, with oohs and ahs. They grow silent for a beat.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
It looked bigger in the garden.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Well, to be fair, it was next to a
very tiny flower.
                                                            
                       DALE
Yeah, that's a good point.
                                                            
Dale pulls a Pez dispenser out of his pocket and puts it
next to the gnome.
                                                            
                       DALE
Better?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yeah, that's much better.
                                                            
                       SETH
You had Pez?
                                                            
                       DALE
Yeah.
                                                            
                       SETH
Why didn't you share?
                                                            

12.

                       LARSON
The bogarding of Pez is a capital
offense, Dale.
                                                            
                       SETH
What flavor?
                                                            
                       DALE
Why do you care?
                                                            
                       SETH
What flavor?
                                                            
                       DALE
Lemon. I didn't figure anyone else
liked it.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Doesn't mean you shouldn't offer.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
It's an issue of common courtesy.
                                                            
                       DALE
Well, so any of you like lemon?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
No.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Too tart.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I've always been partial to grape.
                                                            
                       DALE
Seth, do you want some lemon Pez?
                                                            
                       SETH
No, I hate lemon.
                                                            
                       DALE
See!
                                                            
                       LILITH (O.S.)
      (sleepy)
Larson? Is that you?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Dammit! You woke up Lily!
                                                            
                       DALE
I didn't.
                                                            

13.

                       LARSON
Yes you did. She's up. Are you
deaf?
                                                            
                       DALE
Seth was at least three times as
loud as I was.
                                                            
                       SETH
I was not being loud. I am always
considerate of my volume around
sleeping people.
                                                            
                       LILITH (O.S.)
Larson? What are you doing?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Nothing, honey. Go on back to bed.
                                                            
                       SETH
Why do I get blamed for
everything?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Somebody cover the gnome.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Not it.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Ash?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Dale's closer.
                                                            
                       DALE
I'm busy.
                                                            
                       SETH
Busy trying to get me in trouble.
                                                            
                       DALE
Why does everything have to be
about you?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Cover the gnome!
                                                            
Lilith comes onstage in a robe.
                                                            
                       LILITH
What's everybody doing? Don't you
know what time it is?
                                                            

14.

                       JOHNNY
My watch broke yesterday. Thanks
for bringing it up.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson, what's going on?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Nothing, honey
                                                            
                       LILITH
Where have you been all night?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I was, I was doing stuff. Night
stuff.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Like what?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Like feeding raccoons.
                                                            
                       DALE
Feeding raccoons?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah, feeding raccoons. You were
there.
                                                            
                       DALE
Oh, those raccoons.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Well, I have to work tomorrow.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I know you do. I was just about to
send everyone home.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Okay. Send them all home and then
come to bed.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'll be there in a minute.
                                                            
Lilith turns around and walks offstage.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Close call.
                                                            

15.

                       SETH
Sleepy people don't see too good.
                                                            
Lilith storms back onstage, more awake.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Where did that gnome come from?
                                                            
                       LARSON
What gnome?
                                                            
Lilith glares at Larson.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Oh, that gnome.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
We're borrowing it.
                                                            
                       DALE
From my uncle.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
For important reasons.
                                                            
                       SETH
Top secret reasons.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
We'd tell you more, but you know
how the government gets.
                                                            
                       LARSON
So just go on back to bed, Lil.
We'll be done in a minute.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson, you know I don't like your
friends hanging around the
apartment all night.
                                                            
                       SETH
We don't hang around here all
night.
                                                            
                       LILITH
You hang around for the part of it
that matters.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Not always. Tonight we went out.
                                                            

16.

                       LILITH
      (points at gnome)
I can see that.
                                                            
                       DALE
I told you, it's my uncle's.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I didn't know we were hitting your
Uncle's house!
                                                            
                       DALE
I hate you, Johnny.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Why did you bring that here,
Larson? You told me that you could
seperate your friends from your
home life.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I can. I will. From now on, never
shall the twain meet.
                                                            
                       SETH
Twain?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Twain, middle English form of two,
from the Old English twegen.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (impressed)
Huh.
                                                            
                       LARSON
As of this moment, friends and
homelife are completely different
entities.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Good.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Um..Larson?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Oh yeah. Johnny needs to crash on
the sofa tonight.
                                                            
Lilith sighs in exasperation.
                                                            

17.

                       LARSON
Just for the night.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Can we have a moment alone,
Larson?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Sure, babe. Let me just debrief
the troops.
                                                            
                       DALE
Can we keep our pants?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Debrief: to summarize crucial
information and swear involved
parties to secrecy.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (to Ashley)
That's why you don't have a
boyfriend.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Why is my love life of any concern
to you?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Alright, guys, I'll call you
tomorrow.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (exiting)
Later, Lars.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (calling after
       Seth)
You're secretely in love with me,
aren't you?
                                                            
Ashley stomps out of the apartment after Seth. Johnny starts
to follow, then stops and addresses Larson.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
So can I crash here or not?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Can you really say no to that
face, Lil?
                                                            

18.

                       LILITH
Easily.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Why don't you wait outside,
Johnny, and I'll see what I can
do, okay?
                                                            
                       DALE
See you in the AM, Lars.
                                                            
                       LILITH
It already IS the AM, Dale.
                                                            
                       DALE
      (confused)
Right. Then I guess I'll see
you...um...yeah.
                                                            
Dale exits, Johnny follows behind him. Lilith sits down on
the couch. Both Lilith and Larson stare at the floor in
silence for a beat.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm sorry we woke you up.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I was half-awake already.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (gesturing to
       gnome)
We...um...we were going to repaint
it.
                                                            
                       LILITH
That's nice.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I was thinking you could help. You
took those art classes, and all.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Only for a month.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I was thinking maybe it would look
nice painted gold.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (looks at gnome)
That would look terrible.
                                                            

19.

                       LARSON
See? You have a better artistic
sense than me. You should help
paint the gnome.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson...
                                                            
                       LARSON
Then we can all hang out and do
something together. You, me, and
Ashley and the guys
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson, if you stay out late every
night, then you won't get any
sleep.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'd say that's a pretty valid
assumption.
                                                            
                       LILITH
And if you don't get any sleep,
then you'll be tired and cranky in
the morning.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Again, a very keen observation. I
love you because you're pretty AND
smart.
                                                            
                       LILITH
And if you're always tired and
cranky, then you'll never get
anywhere at the office.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You're assuming that there is a
hierarchy of copy boys.
                                                            
                       LILITH
All I'm suggesting is that maybe
if you were more professional, you
wouldn't have to be just a copy
boy.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Maybe I could get promoted to
caffiene distribution. Oh rapture!
                                                            

20.

                       LILITH
I'm serious, Larson. You're so
close to an actual desk, I just
know it.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Again, assuming I would want a
desk.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Well, what do you want Larson?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I want to go to bed.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson...
                                                            
                       LARSON
What? That's what I want. I want
to go to bed.
                                                            
Lilith walks past Larson towards the bedroom. She stops in
the doorway and sighs.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Johnny can sleep on the couch.
We'll all go to bed. Then we'll
all wake up and go to work. Then
we'll repeat that pattern until we
all die.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Johnny doesn't have a job, honey.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I know, Larson. Good night.
                                                            
Lilith exits. Larson starts fuming quietly as he walks
towards the hallway door.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Stupid...stupid...gah...
                                                            
He opens the door and Johnny slowly rambles in.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Everything cool?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Nothing's cool.
                                                            

21.

                       JOHNNY
The Flaming Lips are cool.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Well, obviously.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Samuel L. Jackson's cool.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I mean, nothing's cool in here. At
this moment. Domestically.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Can I still crash?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Go ahead. Couch is all yours. Me
and Lil have to work in the
morning, though, so you can't hang
around.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I'll be fine. Maybe I'll even make
breakfast. How early do you have
to leave?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Around seven.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Oh. Yeah, I can't do that.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I figured as much. Just lock the
door on your way out, all right?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
What were you guys fighting about?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Oh, something stupid.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Affairs of the heart are never
stupid, Lars.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I heard that on a Lifetime movie.
                                                            

22.

                       LARSON
Go to bed Johnny.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Can I have a glass of water?
                                                            
                       LARSON
You want me to get you a
nightlight while I'm at it?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Sarcasm cuts me.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Then I'll get you a bandaid. Good
night, Johnny.
                                                            
Larson exits.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Seriously, can I have a
nightlight?
                                                            
END SCENE 1
                                                            
 
INT. ACT 1, SCENE 2 - DAY
                                                            
Curtain opens. Johnny is sitting on the couch with a cereal
bowl. There is some mail on the desk. Larson enters from the
hallway.
                                                            
                       LARSON
One of these days, that place is
going up in flames.
                                                            
Larson removes his coat and starts going through the mail.
                                                            
                       LARSON
C'mon...where is...dammit!
                                                            
Larson throws the mail on the floor and sits on the couch
with his head in his hands. Johnny doesn't look at him.
Slowly, Larson realizes Johnny's on the couch.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Have you been here all day?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Maybe.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Didn't I tell you go home?
                                                            

23.

                       JOHNNY
Nope.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What did I say?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
To lock the door.
                                                            
                       LARSON
On your way out.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yeah.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Doesn't that imply that you're
supposed to leave?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Eventually.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What have you been doing all day?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I sorted the mail.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Is that all the mail?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
No...wait...yeah.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Did you do anything else today?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yeah...wait...no.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I see. Were you planning on going
home anytime soon?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Eventually.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I love your sense of symmetry.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
What?
                                                            

24.

                       LARSON
Your symm...never mind.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
When does Lilith get home?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Usually an hour after I do.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
So what do you do for an hour?
                                                            
                       LARSON
What have you been doing all day?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Nothing.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Precisely.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
What was supposed to be in the
mail?
                                                            
                       LARSON
What?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
The mail. You were looking for
something in the mail.
                                                            
                       LARSON
No, I wasn't.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yeah, you were. You were totally
expecting something in the mail.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Nothing important.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Everything's important to
somebody, Larson.
                                                            
Long pause.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You watch too much TV.
                                                            

25.

                       JOHNNY
So what were you guys fighting
about last night?
                                                            
                       LARSON
We weren't fighting last night.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Well, what were you guys fighting
about this morning?
                                                            
                       LARSON
We weren't fighting this morning.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Alright.
                                                            
Larson lets out a long sigh and puts his head in his hands.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (looking at bowl)
You guys need to buy more Froot
Loops.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You a fan of existensialism,
Johnny?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Is that like Techno?
                                                            
                       LARSON
It's a philosophy term, Johnny.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Then...no.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah, I didn't figure.
                                                            
Johnny gets up off the couch.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You going home?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Naw, just to the bathroom.
                                                            
Johnny walks out of the room, then comes back after a beat.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Um...
                                                            

26.

                       LARSON
Second door on the right.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Thanks.
                                                            
Johnny exits. Larson gets off the couch and walks over to
the gnome.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You're a very chipper little
fellow, aren't you? All smiles and
rainbows over in this part of the
room, huh? I'll bet even you have
your dirty little secrets.
                                                            
Johnny comes back in.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Are you talking to the gnome?
                                                            
                       LARSON
No.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yes, you were.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I was soul-searching.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Existensialism?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Did you wash your hands?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yes.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Good. I don't need your germs on
everything.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
My germs are lovely, and well
behaved. You should politely ask
me to put my germs on everything.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah, don't see that happening.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Oh, everyone's on their way over.
                                                            

27.

                       LARSON
Everyone?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yeah.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Why?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Just cos.
                                                            
                       LARSON
But I haven't had my nothing time
yet.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Tell it to the gnome.
                                                            
                       LARSON
When is everyone getting here?
                                                            
There's a knock on the door.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
My guess? Now.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Come on in, door's unlocked.
                                                            
Ashley and Dale enter.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Where's Seth?
                                                            
                       DALE
Parking the car.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Seth got a car?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
He's borrowing his dad's SUV.
                                                            
                       DALE
Yeah, and he can't figure out how
to park the stupid thing.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
It's very amusing.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I need to see this.
                                                            

28.

Johnny runs out of the apartment.
                                                            
                       DALE
You wanna come watch, Lars?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I just got home. I haven't even
had a chance to take my shoes off
yet.
                                                            
                       DALE
So...you wanna come watch, Lars?
                                                            
                       LARSON
No. I just want to sit down and
relax for a moment. And do
nothing.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Tough day?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Every day is a tough day.
                                                            
                       DALE
I thought you were just an office
boy.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Your point?
                                                            
                       DALE
Do you really have stressful days?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yes. Mediocrity is quite
stressful, indeed.
                                                            
Ashley notices the pile of mail on the floor.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Ah, I see Johnny was in charge of
sorting the mail.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Oh. Could you pick that up? Just
put it next to Stumpy.
                                                            
                       DALE
You already named the gnome?
That's what we were coming over to
do. We had a whole ceremony
planned out and everything.
                                                            

29.

                       LARSON
It's not official.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Good, because I've been looking
forward to the naming ceremony all
day.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I know for a fact that you don't
even wake up until the afternoon.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Well, I've been looking forward to
it for the past few hours.
                                                            
                       DALE
And we've spent said hours
planning this ceremony. That will
commence as soon as Seth parks the
car.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Well, then, I guess I have time to
at least wash up a little.
                                                            
Larson exits.
                                                            
                       DALE
I thought he'd be more excited. He
usually loves ceremonies.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I think Larson's a little
preoccupied today. Lilith didn't
look too happy last night.
                                                            
                       DALE
This morning.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
If it happened before I went to
sleep, then it happened last
night.
                                                            
                       DALE
We should have a painting ceremony
tomorrow.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Before we have a painting
ceremonry, we need to have a gnome
bathing ceremony.
                                                            

30.

                       DALE
Bathing?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
No use painting a dirty gnome.
                                                            
Dale lays down on the couch and rests his feet on the
armrest.
                                                            
                       DALE
I think I might grow a beard. Like
a Grizzly Adams beard.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
If you grow it, I'll braid it.
                                                            
                       DALE
You'll braid my beard?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I did it for my brother.
                                                            
                       DALE
You braided your brother's beard?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I braided my brother Bradley's
beard.
                                                            
                       DALE
Was he burly?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
A little bit, I guess.
                                                            
                       DALE
So he was barely burly?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Bring it on home.
                                                            
                       DALE
You braided your barely burly
brother Bradley's beard.
                                                            
They high five.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Nice.
                                                            
                       DALE
I do love me a good
tongue-twister.
                                                            

31.

Larson enters.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (disappointed)
Aw, did I miss the tongue twister
game?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Yeah, and it was a real beauty
this time.
                                                            
Larson notices Dale's feet. He begins to gesture wildly.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Feet! Feet!
                                                            
                       DALE
I think he's trying to
communicate.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Off! Feet off!
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Water, Helen!
                                                            
                       LARSON
Get your feet off of the couch!
                                                            
Dale quickly removes his feet and sits up straight. Larson
inspects the couch carefully.
                                                            
                       DALE
What's the malfunction?
                                                            
                       LARSON
This is Edna's couch!
                                                            
                       DALE
The mother of the Lilith?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah.
                                                            
                       DALE
So we're not allowed to lounge on
the couch?
                                                            
                       LARSON
You're not allowed to have shoes
on the couch. It's a basic rule, I
thought it was universal.
                                                            

32.

                       ASHLEY
Is this like the coaster incident?
                                                            
                       DALE
The coaster incident?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Johnny forgot to use a coaster.
                                                            
                       LARSON
And? Don't forget the 'and'.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
And it left a big ring on the
Lilith Mother's table. So Larson
threw it out.
                                                            
                       DALE
Why didn't you just refinish it?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Because Edna would be able to
tell.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
So he just told her that it was
stolen.
                                                            
                       DALE
Yeah, they walked right past the
TV, left the stereo alone, and
stole the table.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Let's have a moment of silence for
the coffee table that no longer
supports beverages.
                                                            
Larson, Ashley, and Dale lower their heads. Seth and Johnny
enter.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
That might have been the funniest
thing I have ever seen in my life.
                                                            
                       SETH
Just drop it, alright?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Over two curbs.
                                                            
                       SETH
Drop it.
                                                            

33.

                       JOHNNY
Almost hit a blind guy.
                                                            
                       SETH
Drop.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
The triple donut was a classic.
                                                            
                       SETH
This conversation is over.
                                                            
                       DALE
You guys are ruining the moment of
silence!
                                                            
                       SETH
Sorry.
                                                            
They all lower their heads and stand in silence for a beat.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Um...who died?
                                                            
                       LARSON
My coffee table.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Oh, okay.
                                                            
Another beat of silence.
                                                            
                       SETH
Moment over?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Let it linger...okay, it's over.
                                                            
                       DALE
Time for the ceremony!
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Ceremony time!
                                                            
                       LARSON
Woot.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Do we have a song?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Nope. Didn't have enough time.
                                                            

34.

                       SETH
A ceremony without a song?
                                                            
                       DALE
Hey, we only had a few hours to
plan this, lay off.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Do we have a dance?
                                                            
                       DALE
Again, very little time.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Hey, Ash? What's existensialism?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Existensialism. A philosophy
extolling the uniqueness and
isolation of the individual in an
indifferent universe and stressing
the freedom of choice.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Oh.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (to Johnny)
How in the world would you come
into contact with existensialism?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Larson brought it up.
                                                            
                       DALE
Are you having a long dark night
of the soul, Lars?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Afternoon. Long dark afternoon of
the soul.
                                                            
                       DALE
      (to Johnny)
I despise you with a hatred that
could fuel a million suns.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm just having a small personal
crisis, is all.
                                                            
                       SETH
About what?
                                                            

35.

                       LARSON
See, I can't really explain it to
you guys.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (grabbing gnome)
Why not?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Because you have no jobs. You just
hang around all day.
                                                            
                       DALE
Larson, sloth is what sets us
apart from the animals. Well,
except for sloths.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What it comes down to is, my life
lacks direction. I don't like my
job.
                                                            
                       SETH
Then quit.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Problem solved!
                                                            
                       DALE
I think I know what you're really
looking for, Larson.
                                                            
                       LARSON
This should be priceless.
                                                            
                       DALE
You need to come out with us
tonite and nab another gnome.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Nabbing gnomes at night is nice.
                                                            
                       SETH
Oh, I'm never any good at this.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You never nab nice gnomes at night
with your neighbor's neice Nancy.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm staying in tonight, guys.
                                                            
Ashley puts the gnome down in the middle of the room.
                                                            

36.

                       ASHLEY
You got any paper, Lars?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I think I saw a notebook in the
kitchen.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Could you get me a soda while
you're in there?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
No.
                                                            
Ashley exits.
                                                            
                       SETH
Ashley looks nice today.
                                                            
                       DALE
We've gone over this, Seth.
                                                            
                       SETH
What? All I said was that she
looked nice.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You have to consider what's best
for the collective.
                                                            
                       SETH
All I said...
                                                            
                       LARSON
Besides, I'm pretty sure she hates
you.
                                                            
                       SETH
I think that's what attracts me to
her.
                                                            
                       DALE
Seth, you crush easy.
                                                            
                       SETH
I have no idea what that's
supposed to mean.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You are easily infatuated.
                                                            
                       SETH
Again, no idea.
                                                            

37.

                       JOHNNY
You have a crush on every girl you
see.
                                                            
                       SETH
That's not true.
                                                            
                       LARSON
It's not far from the truth. Hell,
you've had a crush on every Bond
girl after 1985.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You have a crush on the
weathergirl.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You had a crush on nearly all of
your female teachers.
                                                            
                       DALE
You had a crush on Lilith.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah, you...what?
                                                            
                       SETH
I didn't! I did not have a crush
on your girl, Lars.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Seth, I'm going to let this slide
since we've been friends so long.
But just remember: I can and will
gouge your eyes out.
                                                            
Ashley comes back on stage carrying a handful of scrap paper
and some pencils. She hands them out to the guys.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Alright people, here's the setup.
                                                            
                       DALE
Everyone write down some potential
names...
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You are violating the sanctity of
Rock Paper Scissors.
                                                            
                       DALE
Sorry.
                                                            

38.

                       ASHLEY
Everyone write down some potential
names for the gnome.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
No one else write down Chomsky. I
already called it.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Then we'll circle the gnome and
throw the names into the air. We
keep the names that stick to the
gnome and discard the rest. Then
we repeat the process until only
one remains.
                                                            
                       SETH
We should chant while we do it.
                                                            
                       DALE
Alright, we'll chant...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I am the Lorax, I speak for the
trees!
                                                            
                       LARSON
Strangely enough, I think that'll
work.
                                                            
Everyone hurriedly scribbles names on their papers. Johnny
leans over and looks at Seth's paper. Seth slaps him.
                                                            
                       DALE
Everyone ready? Form the circle.
                                                            
Everyone walks in a circle around the gnome, chanting "I am
the Lorax I speak for the trees" and throwing their paper
into the air. When all the paper is thrown, they look down
at the mess on the floor.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Let's just pick up a piece of
paper and that will be the gnome's
name.
                                                            
                       SETH
Who wants to pick up the slip?
                                                            
They all look at each other and instinctively start playing
Rock Paper Scissors. Johnny wins.
                                                            

39.

                       JOHNNY
Alright! What do I win?
                                                            
                       LARSON
You get to pick up a piece of
paper and name the gnome.
                                                            
Johnny picks up a slip and carefully reads it to himself.
The others wait anxiously.
                                                            
                       DALE
Well?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Well, what?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Read the name, Johnny.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
It says Gob.
                                                            
                       DALE
Who wrote down Gob?
                                                            
They all look at Seth.
                                                            
                       SETH
What? Gob is the King of the
Gnomes.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Is there any job that will require
a Mythological Studies minor?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Every job requires a Mythological
Studies minor.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Except for the jobs that don't.
                                                            
                       SETH
Why did I even go to school?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm taking classes again.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Where?
                                                            
                       LARSON
The Internet.
                                                            

40.

                       JOHNNY
Where's that?
                                                            
                       SETH
The Internet, Johnny. The computer
Internet.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm supposed to be getting my
first set of grades this week, and
I need to pick them up before
Lilith sees them.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Are they bad?
                                                            
                       LARSON
No, see, I haven't told her yet...
                                                            
Lilith enters.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Haven't told me what?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I haven't told you that I love
you. Not since this morning,
anyway.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (sees mess)
Did we have a party?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
We named the gnome.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Oh. I see. Another one of those
ceremonies.
                                                            
                       DALE
Seth! Stop crushing on the Lilith!
                                                            
                       SETH
I wasn't!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You totally look like a little
lost puppy.
                                                            
                       LARSON
We named it Gob.
                                                            

41.

                       LILITH
The King of Gnomes?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Uh-oh. She knows mythology, too. I
think the crush has reached
critical mass.
                                                            
                       SETH
I will tie cement blocks to your
legs and toss you off of a bridge.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Can you get this cleaned up,
honey? I need to change contacts.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Of course.
                                                            
                       LILITH
All day long, it's felt like
jagged little pieces of glass in
my eyes.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Taking a bath, too?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Later. Right now, my only concern
is corrective lense removal.
                                                            
Lilith exits the stage. Larson starts picking up paper and
straightening up the room.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Owned.
                                                            
                       LARSON
It's what you do when you become a
mature, responsible adult in a
mature, adult coupling.
                                                            
                       SETH
Whatever she tells you?
                                                            
                       DALE
So are you coming along tonight or
not?
                                                            
                       LARSON
The prospect of another gnome
isn't very enticing.
                                                            

42.

                       JOHNNY
You know, Lars is right. We need
to keep moving forward. On to
bigger things. We should steal a
mailbox.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Or one of those big pieces of
driftwood.
                                                            
                       DALE
I say we go case the neighborhood
for some big lawn ornamentation.
                                                            
                       SETH
I'll start the car.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
And if watching you pull out if
half as classic as watching you
pull in...
                                                            
                       SETH
Drop it, Johnny.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
That poor doggy...
                                                            
Seth and Johnny exit.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You gonna pull through, Champ?
                                                            
                       DALE
Yeah, I'm good.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I was asking Larson.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'll be fine. Not like I've never
had a philosophical crisis in my
life before.
                                                            
Lilith enters with a bottle and two glasses.
                                                            
                       DALE
If you come to your senses
sometime soon, give me a call.
We'll have something big planned.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Later, guys.
                                                            

43.

                       ASHLEY
Bye, Lars. Bye, Lily.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Bye.
                                                            
Ashley and Dale exit. Lilith sits down on the couch and
pours two drinks.
                                                            
                       LILITH
So...are you going out tonight?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't think so.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Good. I was hoping we could have a
nice night together.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Sounds good. Did you rush through
your paperwork to get home early?
                                                            
                       LILITH
I just pawned it off another
another girl.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Tricky.
                                                            
                       LILITH
And how was your day?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Same as yesterday, and the day
before that.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson...are you unhappy?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Not all the time.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Why are you unhappy?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Is this some sort of psychological
examination?
                                                            

44.

                       LILITH
No, I'm sorry. I just get used to
phrasing things a certain way at
the clinic.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Well, to answer your question, I
am unhappy because I feel like I'm
stuck.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Oh...
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (scrambling to
       cover)
Not with you. I didn't mean it
like that. This is great. Well,
except for the shadow.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Are you still pushing the Shadow
of Edna theory?
                                                            
                       LARSON
She owns us.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Well, as soon as you get that
promotion, and if I get more hours
at the clinic, then we can start
paying for everything ourselves.
                                                            
                       LARSON
So you work yourself to death, and
I make my up through the ladder
until maybe someday I'll finally
be a yes man.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Then what do you want to do,
Larson? What do you really want to
do?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't know.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Do you just want to lounge around
all day with your friends?
                                                            
                       LARSON
No.
                                                            

45.

                       LILITH
I don't dislike your friends,
Larson.
                                                            
                       LARSON
They know you don't.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I just think that there's a time
to grow up, you know? I don't want
to come off like some sort of
authority figure, but it's just a
basic fact. You can't be a
teenager when you're facing
thirty.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You're right.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I think it's time we all grow up a
little.
                                                            
There's a long pause as Larson and Lilith sip their drinks.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm taking some classes online.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Really? For what?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Technology and stuff.
                                                            
                       LILITH
That's great, honey! I'm so proud
of you.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I haven't finished them yet.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I'm proud that you're taking an
initiative. What will you do after
your classes are finished?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Get a better job. Something that's
not just being a whipping boy.
                                                            
                       LILITH
You know what this means, Larson?
                                                            

46.

                       LARSON
We both get to call in sick
tomorrow?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Now that you're a mature adult, no
more capering.
                                                            
                       LARSON
None at all?
                                                            
                       LILITH
You can't spend your nights
stealing things out of yards. Not
if you're serious about changing
your life.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I suppose that makes sense.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Besides, I'm sure that a mature
adult can find a better way to
spend an evening. Especially if
said mature adult has a ravishing,
intelligent woman who loves him.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah, I need to find me one of
those.
                                                            
Lilith takes a pillow off the couch and playfully hits
Larson in the face. They laugh and wrestle as the lights
come down.
                                                            
END SCENE
                                                            
 
INT. ACT 1, SCENE 3 - DAY
                                                            
The next day. Larson and Lilith are sitting on the couch,
reading. They don't look at each other during the following
exchange.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Hmm...
                                                            
                       LILITH
What?
                                                            
                       LARSON
What?
                                                            

47.

                       LILITH
You said 'Hmm...'
                                                            
                       LARSON
Did I?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Yes, you did.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Hmm...
                                                            
                       LILITH
Like that.
                                                            
                       LARSON
So?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Usually you only make that noise
when you read something
interesting.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I do?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Yes, you do. You read something
interesting, you say 'Hmm...' and
then you tell me what you just
read.
                                                            
                       LARSON
That sounds about right.
                                                            
                       LILITH
So I was simply trying to see what
was so interesting.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Oh. Well, I don't really remember
anymore. My attention moved to
this conversation, and I don't
remember what I just read.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Then I guess it wasn't that
interesting after all.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Must not have been.
                                                            
They continue reading, still not looking at each other.
                                                            

48.

                       LILITH
Hm...
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yes?
                                                            
                       LILITH
I was just wondering...
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yes?
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (putting down book)
If I went bald, would you still
love me?
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (not looking up)
If you what?
                                                            
                       LILITH
If I went bald.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Bald?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Yes. Would you still love me if I
was bald?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Through genetic predisposition?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Doesn't matter. Genetics,
radiation, salon mishap. Would you
still love me?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Of course I would.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (goes back to
       reading)
Good.
                                                            
                       LARSON
And I'd love your wig, too.
                                                            
Lilith smiles but continues reading. There's a knock at the
door. Larson and Lilith continue reading. There's another
knock.
                                                            

49.

                       LILITH
Who do you think that is?
                                                            
                       LARSON
We both know who that is.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Well, are you going to answer the
door?
                                                            
There's another knock.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Should I?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Well, do they already know we're
home?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I didn't tell them I was.
                                                            
                       DALE (O.S.)
We know you're home, Lars!
                                                            
                       ASHLEY (O.S.)
We can hear you breathing!
                                                            
                       LARSON
Am I a loud breather?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Not especially.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I breath loudly?
                                                            
                       LILITH
I think it's cute.
                                                            
Larson closes his book and gets up off the couch. He slowly
makes his way to the hallway door.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY (O.S.)
Come on, Larson. I'm scared of
your hallway. That guy two doors
down looks like a child molester.
                                                            
                       SETH (O.S.)
Oh, hey, Mr. Pinato! Lovely day,
huh?
                                                            

50.

                       JOHNNY (O.S.)
You look like a child molester!
                                                            
Larson opens the door. Ashley and Dale tumble to the floor.
Seth steps over them. Seth wears a backpack. They get up and
brush themselves off. Everybody steps back. Johnny runs into
the apartment.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
What did I say?
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (leaning out door)
Sorry, Mr. Pinato. You look very
lovely...today.
                                                            
Larson slams the door shut.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Great. Now my neighbor thinks I
was coming on to him.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Aw, that's sweet.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Where were you last night?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Here.
                                                            
                       DALE
Why?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Because this is were I live.
                                                            
                       SETH
Why didn't you come out?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I told you I wasn't going out. And
I'm not going out.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
What do you mean you're not going
out?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Guys, I'm hanging up my spurs. I
will go riding no more.
                                                            

51.

                       SETH
You have spurs?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I told you Lilith was kinky.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm refocusing my life. And...
                                                            
                       DALE
And?
                                                            
                       SETH
I don't like where this is going.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't want to caper anymore.
                                                            
Ashley, Dale, Johnny, and Seth all scream "What?" This
surprises Larson. He falls down.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Why would you do that?
                                                            
                       DALE
That's a horrible idea.
                                                            
                       SETH
Are you feeling okay?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Do you have a fever?
                                                            
                       SETH
We should call a doctor.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You can't die on me, Larson!
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (standing up)
I'm feeling fine, guys. It's
just...I've been feeling really
wierd lately and now I know why. I
needed to change my life.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Well, this is a bad change!
                                                            
                       LILITH
You guys can still come over.
Maybe we could have a movie night
this weekend.
                                                            

52.

                       DALE
Sorry, Lilith. But you don't
understand. This is more than just
diminished social time. This is
about tradition.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Tradition?
                                                            
                       DALE
And this is about honor.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Honor?
                                                            
                       DALE
And this is about...um...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Tradition.
                                                            
                       DALE
Yeah.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (leaning in
       towards Dale)
You said tradition twice.
                                                            
                       DALE
Did I?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Yeah, you said tradition twice.
                                                            
                       DALE
Tradition's important!
                                                            
                       LARSON
And this is about becoming more
mature, Dale.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Is it your birthday?
                                                            
                       DALE
      (to Johnny)
What? No.
                                                            
                       LILITH
We're trying to really start
living on own.
                                                            

53.

                       LARSON
Yeah. I'm going to get a better
job, and then we can stop
depending on the Shadow to take
care of rent.
                                                            
                       SETH
The Shadow?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
The mother.
                                                            
                       SETH
Oh, the Lilith Mother.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (getting off couch)
Does anyone want coffee?
                                                            
The all look at her.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Or tea?
                                                            
More silence.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Juice?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'll have some coffee, honey. I
don't think anybody else wants a
drink.
                                                            
                       SETH
You got scotch?
                                                            
                       LARSON
No.
                                                            
                       SETH
Whiskey?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Do you often drink hard liqour in
the afternoon, Seth?
                                                            
                       SETH
I'm emotionally devestated right
now.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I'll find something.
                                                            

54.

Lilith exits. Seth watches her leave. Johnny smacks him on
the back of the head.
                                                            
                       SETH
Ow!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Stop crushing!
                                                            
                       DALE
You don't want to skip out on us
now, Lars.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm not skipping out on you. I'm
just gonna be spending more time
at home.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
We're planning big things now.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
That's right. The gnome was just
the beginning.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What did you guys steal last
night?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Nothing. We planned.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You planned what?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Big things.
                                                            
                       SETH
You already said we were planning
big things, Johnny.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I think Lars wants specifics.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Generally when describing a plan,
specific is good.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Dale?
                                                            

55.

                       DALE
Alright, so here's the deal. We've
nabbed mostly little things up
until now. Things with little
emotional value. Nothing that
anyone's been attached to. I mean,
who really loves their garden
gnome?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Oh god. You want to steal a baby.
                                                            
                       DALE
What? No.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Can we name it Johnny Junior?
                                                            
                       SETH
We're not stealing a baby, Johnny.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I know, but...can we name it
Johnny Junior?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Go on, Dale.
                                                            
                       DALE
More importantly, the monetary
value of our swag has been rather
minimal.
                                                            
                       SETH
Swag?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Swag. Valuable goods. Also, goods
obtained illegally. Possibly
coming from Australia, where swag
is a sort of pack.
                                                            
                       SETH
Why do you do that?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
It makes you want me, doesn't it?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Go on.
                                                            

56.

                       DALE
It's about time we really set our
sights high.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Planning something big.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Count me out, guys.
                                                            
                       SETH
You don't even know what it is
yet!
                                                            
                       LARSON
I promised Lil...
                                                            
Lilith enters with a bottle and some paper cups.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Promised me that he would stay in
at night so he could focus on his
schoolwork.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
School work?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah, it's really cool. I hop
online and I download my
assignments, and there are
simulators and stuff.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Like a flight sim?
                                                            
                       LARSON
No, like a computer simulator.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Why do you need a computer
simulator, when you already have a
computer?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Because if I do something wrong in
the simulator, nothing bad will
happen.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Why are you taking classes? I
thought you were finally done with
school.
                                                            

57.

Lilith has poured drinks for everyone.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Who needs happy juice?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Oo! Oo! Me!
                                                            
                       SETH
I am feeling rather parched.
                                                            
                       DALE
Hit me.
                                                            
Johnny smacks Dale in the head.
                                                            
                       DALE
Johnny...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I know, you hate me.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson and I are focusing on our
careers so that we can stop having
to rely on my mother for financial
support.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah, if I had a computer degree I
would have much better prospects.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Ash?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Prospects. Expectations of
financial success. Possibilities.
Also, the probable location of
mineral deposits.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I love that.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Oh, Lil. Did you get my coffee?
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (holding up hands)
Count them.
                                                            

58.

                       LARSON
      (smiling)
No rush.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Sugars? Creams? Spit?
                                                            
                       LARSON
First two, please.
                                                            
Lilith and Larson share a quick kiss on her way out. Ashley
and the guys sip their drinks and glare at Larson. A long
silence.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What?
                                                            
Silence.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't know any other way I can
explain this. I am done going out
with you guys. We can still be
friends, but don't count on me to
be part of your new, more illegal
activities.
                                                            
                       SETH
Larson. This isn't like you. You
love capering. You're just letting
yourself be influenced by some big
eyes, and tight shirts, and nice
legs, and...I'm making this worse,
aren't I?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Wait, Lars. What if you could give
Lily everything she wanted?
                                                            
                       LARSON
That would be nice.
                                                            
                       DALE
      (to Ashley)
Good angle.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
We're talking money here, Lars
                                                            
                       LARSON
Somebody else's money.
                                                            

59.

                       ASHLEY
But money that's not actually
theirs.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Monopoly money?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I call the thimble!
                                                            
                       DALE
How often do you read the paper,
Larson?
                                                            
                       SETH
How often do you read the paper,
Dale?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
He's got a point.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You're supposed to be detailing
your amazing plan.
                                                            
                       DALE
Did you read about Alice Clark?
                                                            
Lilith enters with a mug and hands it to Larson. Ashley and
the guys act nonchalant.
                                                            
                       LILITH
The rich lady?
                                                            
                       SETH
Well, newly rich.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Sounds vaguely familiar. Give me a
refresher course.
                                                            
                       LILITH
This lady has lived in the suburbs
her entire life. Real John
Mellencamp, Pink Houses type
stuff.
                                                            
                       LARSON
John Mellencamp is more rural than
suburban.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I meant rural.
                                                            

60.

                       ASHLEY
I don't believe the suburbs have a
true voice.
                                                            
                       SETH
Such a shame.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Anyway, out of nowhere, she learns
that she was an illegimate child.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
A sordid tale of sex and intrigue.
                                                            
                       LILITH
What he said. Her mother had an
affair, and no one had ever told
the girl that her father wasn't
actually her father.
                                                            
                       SETH
It's like a made-for-TV movie.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Her real father was a wealthy
industrialist.
                                                            
                       LARSON
There are still wealthy
industrialists? I thought they had
been replaced by white collar
criminals.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
And he never sired any other
children. So she received an
enormous inheritance.
                                                            
                       SETH
Scratch TV movie. It's like a
Fairy Tale.
                                                            
                       LARSON
So she's moved into a large
mansion?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
It's not finished yet.
                                                            
                       LARSON
So she's living in an unfinished
mansion?
                                                            

61.

                       SETH
Yeah. And here's the wierd part.
Her mother was really into bucking
the system and distrusting
authority. So she doesn't want to
keep the money in the bank.
                                                            
                       LARSON
That's slightly wacky. She keeps
all the money in her home?
                                                            
                       DALE
Yeah. She admits that's it pretty
much out in the open.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Why would you admit to the
newspaper that you keep a fortune
just laying around your house?
You're pretty much just asking for
someone to steal it.
                                                            
                       DALE
      (smiling at Larson)
Yeah, I know.
                                                            
Larson starts to realize what the plan is. He looks at
Lilith and then back at the guys.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You know what, Lil? I think maybe
the guys would like to try some of
your cookies.
                                                            
                       SETH
You have cookies?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson and I called in sick this
morning, and I made cookies.
                                                            
                       SETH
I would love some of your cookies,
Lilith.
                                                            
                       DALE
      (grabbing Seth's
       ear)
Quit it!
                                                            
Lilith looks at Dale and Seth strangely for a second, then
exits to the kitchen.
                                                            

62.

                       ASHLEY
So Mr. Serious About His Career
called in sick today?
                                                            
                       LARSON
To celebrate my new seriousness,
of course.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (looks at Dale)
That really hurt.
                                                            
                       DALE
It's called aversion therapy. Go
rent Clockwork Orange.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Are you guys seriously
contemplating breaking into a
woman's home and stealing money?
                                                            
                       SETH
Not all of it.
                                                            
                       LARSON
This is quite a large step up from
lawn ornaments.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Told you.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Do you really think you're ready?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
We spent all last night planning
it.
                                                            
                       LARSON
That's all well and good, but...
                                                            
                       SETH
It's a lot of money, Lars.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
How many hours a week does Lilith
work?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Over forty.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
And she's thinking of taking more?
                                                            

63.

                       LARSON
Her mother gives us money...
                                                            
                       SETH
She won't need to.
                                                            
                       DALE
We split it evenly. And your share
will be more than enough to pay
for rent for quite some time.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You guys seem rather morally
assured.
                                                            
                       SETH
We figure she has more than
enough. Plus, it's not like she
worked for it.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
We've managed to rationalize it.
                                                            
                       LARSON
But how would I explain it to
Lilith?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Explain what?
                                                            
                       LARSON
The sudden appearance of money.
                                                            
                       DALE
A Christmas miracle.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Oh, yeah. She'd believe that. No
problem.
                                                            
Lilith enters with a plate of cookies.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (taking a cookie)
These things are great, you guys.
Try one.
                                                            
Everyone bites into a cookie.
                                                            
                       SETH
Oh my.
                                                            

64.

                       DALE
It's like my tastebuds are having
an orgy.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Lilith, I might have to go gay for
you.
                                                            
                       LARSON
See?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Well, Larson helped. In his own
way.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (explaining)
I didn't touch anything.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (cuddling)
Well, that's not totally true.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Clarification: I didn't touch any
inanimate object involved in the
preparation of the cookies.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I'm feeling suddenly
uncomfortable.
                                                            
Ashley finishes her cookie and starts devouring another and
another.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
So good!
                                                            
                       DALE
The secret ingredient is love.
                                                            
                       SETH
And I detect a hint of cinnamon.
                                                            
                       LILITH
We should bake more often.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm not a machine, woman.
                                                            
Lilith starts playfully poking Larson in the side and they
engage in a tickle fight. The others huddle near the
cookies.
                                                            

65.

                       JOHNNY
      (to Dale)
Do you think he's in or not?
                                                            
                       DALE
I'm not sure. We'll have to drag
him away from the Lilith.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (listening in)
That might be impossible.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You're doing it, again.
                                                            
                       SETH
Doing what?
                                                            
                       DALE
Just admit that you have a crush
on Lilith.
                                                            
                       SETH
I do not.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I got crumbs on my fingers. My
fingers are delicious!
                                                            
                       DALE
I think we've got him hooked. Now
to just reel him in.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Like a boot.
                                                            
                       SETH
A boot?
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (to Larson)
So I was thinking that this
weekend we might go look for some
new furniture.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What's wrong with the old
furniture?
                                                            
                       LILITH
It's old.
                                                            

66.

                       LARSON
Can't argue with that.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Of course you can't.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Can we keep the gnome?
                                                            
                       LILITH
We'll see. Whose Pez dispenser?
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (picking it up)
Dale?
                                                            
                       DALE
      (holding hand up)
Open.
                                                            
Larson tosses the Pez to Dale. Johnny intercepts it, causing
Dale to wrestle him to the ground.
                                                            
                       SETH
Such violence.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Guys, seriously. Grow up.
                                                            
                       DALE
      (still wrestling)
Let go!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Never!
                                                            
                       LARSON
Be careful!
                                                            
Dale and Johnny's wrestling match gets too close to the
table, and they knock the plate of cookies to the floor.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Stop!
                                                            
Dale and Johnny stop fighting and look at Lilith.
                                                            
                       LILITH
We spent all morning cleaning.
                                                            
                       SETH
Nice going, guys.
                                                            

67.

                       ASHLEY
      (lamenting cookies)
No!
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (sighing)
I'll go get the broom.
                                                            
Lilith exits the room. Dale and Johnny get back up quickly.
                                                            
                       DALE
Alright, where were we?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I do believe you were making a
mess on the floor.
                                                            
                       DALE
No, before that.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (staring at
       cookies)
They were so young. They had their
whole future ahead of them. Why
not me, Lord?
                                                            
                       SETH
Yes, why not her, Lord?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Can't you see I'm in grief?
                                                            
                       DALE
Are you in?
                                                            
                       LARSON
In grief?
                                                            
                       SETH
Are you going to come on the heist
with us?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
It's a heist, now?
                                                            
                       SETH
I believe the term applies.
Ashley?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Not now! Just let me mourn.
                                                            

68.

                       LARSON
I can't go out tonight. I have
another online assignment to do.
                                                            
                       SETH
Aren't you always bragging about
how awesome your wireless card is?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yeah, it's time to put your money
where your mouth is. Or somebody
else's money where your mouth is.
                                                            
                       LARSON
How are you getting in?
                                                            
                       DALE
Ah ha. Seth?
                                                            
Seth takes off his backpack and carefully places it on the
floor. He unzips it and ceremoniously removes a case.
                                                            
                       LARSON
A box?
                                                            
                       SETH
A case.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Well, I'm convinced. Great plan.
                                                            
                       DALE
Open the case, Seth.
                                                            
Seth opens the case and shows it to Larson.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What am I ogling here?
                                                            
                       SETH
It's a lockpicking kit.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Where did you get a lockpicking
kit?
                                                            
                       DALE
Johnny's house.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
We collect stuff.
                                                            

69.

                       LARSON
What about the alarm system?
                                                            
                       DALE
Seth?
                                                            
                       SETH
We cut the power.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Cut the power?
                                                            
                       DALE
Cut the power.
                                                            
Larson thinks about this for a moment while Dale, Seth, and
Johnny all nod approvingly.
                                                            
                       LARSON
The power?
                                                            
                       SETH
Cut it.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Cut it.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
The power.
                                                            
                       DALE
Cut the power.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Cut the power.
                                                            
                       LARSON
How?
                                                            
                       DALE
Seth?
                                                            
                       SETH
Not sure.
                                                            
                       DALE
Not sure.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Not sure how to cut the power?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Not sure.
                                                            

70.

Lilith enters with a broom and dust bin. Seth quickly shuts
the case.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Oh, don't mind me.
                                                            
                       SETH
Need any help?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Thank you, Seth.
                                                            
Lilith holds out the dust pan. Seth shoves the case into
Johnny's arms and takes the pan eagerly. Lilith sweeps as
she talks.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I know it's hard to explain when
you don't have your own place. But
even a small mess drives me crazy.
You can ask Larson, I'm not a neat
freak. But it's the front room.
You need to keep the front room
clean. You have to keep up
appearances.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I have trouble keeping up my
pants. It's why I wear a belt.
                                                            
Lilith takes the dust pan from Seth and starts to exit.
                                                            
                       LILITH
God forbid my Mother come by and
see that we're making a mess in
HER apartment.
                                                            
Lilith exits.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
It could be YOUR apartment, Lars.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
The term caper still applies to
the current activity.
                                                            
                       SETH
What?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You asked if heist applied to this
plan, and I'm telling you that
caper still applies. A caper can
            (MORE)

71.

                       ASHLEY (cont'd)
range from frivilous pranks to
major illegal activity,
particularly if it involves theft.
                                                            
                       SETH
Delayed reaction.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (punches Seth)
Instant gratification.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm still not sure about this.
                                                            
                       DALE
      (dramatic)
Come on, Larson. This is a
defining moment. The kind of
moment that only comes along once
in a lifetime. This is your
opportunity to seize the brass
ring, to grab the Holy Grail.
      (stands on the
       couch)
This is when you stand up for
yourself...
                                                            
                       LARSON
Feet off!
                                                            
                       DALE
      (hopping to floor)
When you stand up for yourself and
look into the cold unfeeling abyss
above and scream "I control my own
fate! My name is Larson and I am
significant!" So lift your skinny
fists like antennas to heaven,
Larson, and grab on to your
destiny!
                                                            
There is silence. Dale struggles to catch his breath. Larson
appears to be deep in thought, then he shrugs.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Now I have to go, if only to
justify that performance.
                                                            
                       SETH
That a boy, Larson!
                                                            
                       LARSON
Besides, it should be a good show.
                                                            

72.

                       JOHNNY
We should wear masks!
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
We'll meet back here in 0400
hours.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
What?
                                                            
                       SETH
Four hours, Johnny. We're coming
back in four hours to get ready.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Four hundred equals four?
                                                            
                       DALE
I'll explain later, Johnny.
                                                            
Seth, Johnny, Dale, and Ashley start to exit as Lilith
enters.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
See you in four hundred hours,
Larson.
                                                            
They exit.
                                                            
                       LILITH
So...what's up?
                                                            
                       LARSON
The guys are really taking it
hard, and they feel like they need
to go out drinking tonight. So I'm
going to chaperone.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (throwing arms
       around his neck)
Hmm. I love it when you act all
responsible.
                                                            
                       LARSON
But for the next four hours, I'm
all yours.
                                                            
                       LILITH
How generous of you.
                                                            

73.

                       LARSON
Why don't you go soak for a while,
and I'll make pasta?
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (saluting)
Yes, sir.
                                                            
Lilith starts to exit.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Lily?
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (in doorway)
Yes?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I love you.
                                                            
Lilith smiles and blows Larson a kiss, then ducks into the
doorway. Larson stands alone in the middle of the room then
looks up at the sky.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I am significant.
                                                            
END SCENE
                                                            
 
INT. ACT 1, SCENE 4 - NIGHT
                                                            
The stage is dark. We are inside the residence of Ms. Clark.
Since we are in dark, furniture just needs to be moved
slightly to imply a new location. Dale carefully opens the
door and enters the room, followed by the rest of the gang.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You know what would suck right
now? Guard dogs.
                                                            
                       SETH
Or if Ms. Clark was an insomniac
with a gun fetish.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Keep on moving, guys. We look a
little conspicuous right now.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Congrats on cutting the power,
Seth.
                                                            

74.

                       SETH
I was quite proud of myself.
                                                            
Dale tumbles over the couch.
                                                            
                       DALE
Good lord!
                                                            
                       LARSON
You okay, Dale?
                                                            
                       DALE
I found furniture.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Good for you.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Is there money on the couch?
                                                            
                       DALE
I doubt it.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Check under the cushions.
                                                            
                       DALE
I'm not going to look for money
under the sofa cushions.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Check.
                                                            
                       DALE
There is no money in the couch.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Just check.
                                                            
Dale reaches under the couch cushion.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Well?
                                                            
                       DALE
Hm. You were right, Johnny. I
found a quarter.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Oh! Check what state it is.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Are you serious?
                                                            

75.

                       ASHLEY
My mom collects the state
quarters.
                                                            
                       SETH
Do you really think they'll be
worth anything?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Not at all.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
How can you be so sure?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
It's like collecting comic books.
The only books that are worth
money are the books that no one
has.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't think that was a proper
sentence, Johnny.
                                                            
                       SETH
Is this really the time and place
to discuss supply and demand?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Seth, there's always time to
celebrate the tenants of
capitalism. Why, capitalism is why
we're here right now.
                                                            
                       DALE
Now, if I were a slightly damaged
heiress, where would I keep my
money?
                                                            
There's a beat of silence.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I give up. Where?
                                                            
                       DALE
From now on, everytime you say
something stupid, your share of
the loot goes down.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Can I at least have the quarter?
                                                            
Dale tosses the quarter to Johnny. He doesn't catch it.
                                                            

76.

                       JOHNNY
      (disappointed)
Oh...
                                                            
Larson finds an empty spot to sit and turns on his laptop,
illuminating his face. The others slowly make their way
through the room, touching everything.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You guys let me know if you find
something. I need to make some
headway on this assignment.
                                                            
                       SETH
Maybe it's in a desk drawer.
                                                            
                       DALE
Okay, somebody find a desk.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Check over there.
                                                            
                       DALE
Where?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (pointing)
Over there.
                                                            
                       DALE
Are you pointing, Johnny?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yeah.
                                                            
                       DALE
It's pitch dark, Johnny. I can't
see anything.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Well, don't see anything over
there.
                                                            
                       DALE
Just lost some cash, Johnny.
                                                            
                       SETH
I think I found something similar
to a desk.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Does it have drawers?
                                                            

77.

                       SETH
I do believe so. It's not a
cabinet.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Maybe it's a dry sink.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
A what?
                                                            
                       DALE
Ash?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You're on your own on this one.
                                                            
                       LARSON
A dry sink. It's like a cabinet
but it has a space for a basin.
Instead of having a flat surface,
there's this kind of, how do I
explain it, like an indention.
                                                            
                       DALE
How the heck do you know what a
dry sink is?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Flea markets.
                                                            
                       SETH
That girl is ruining you, Lars.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm going to use part of my share
to buy her an engagement ring.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Seriously? Not a topic I'm
interested in right now.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Lilith likes you guys, she really
does.
                                                            
                       SETH
Okay, there is definitely no money
in this thing. Whatever it is.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Somebody just touched my butt.
                                                            

78.

                       LARSON
Are you sure?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Positive. Who touched my butt?
                                                            
                       SETH
You know, there are people in this
world who don't want to touch your
butt.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Those people are insane, because
my butt is a work of art. Chairs
thank me.
                                                            
                       SETH
I hate talking chairs.
                                                            
                       DALE
I think I found a safe!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
This is a good thing.
                                                            
                       DALE
Oh, pennies from heaven!
                                                            
                       SETH
Open it!
                                                            
Dale makes a few struggling noises.
                                                            
                       DALE
Okay, problem.
                                                            
                       SETH
We'll have to crack it.
                                                            
                       DALE
I don't know how to crack a safe.
                                                            
They all sit in a disappointed silence while Larson types
away at his machine. A solution slowly dawns on Johnny.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Larson! Google!
                                                            
                       LARSON
Pardon?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Safe-cracking.
                                                            

79.

                       LARSON
Do you realize how pathetic that
is?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yes. Now get Googling.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm not going to Google for
safecracking.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Then Ask Jeeves.
                                                            
                       SETH
Come on, Larson. We need you on
this one.
                                                            
Larson sighs and types in the search.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Hmm. How 'bout that? Safecracking.
                                                            
Dale grabs the computer.
                                                            
                       LARSON
My baby!
                                                            
                       DALE
Your baby's going to teach me how
to open a safe.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Damn, Lars, your baby is ugly.
                                                            
                       DALE
Alright, Seth, man the knob.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (kneeling down)
Knob is manned.
                                                            
                       DALE
      (reading)
Alright...thank you for your
interest in safecracking, a
long-forgotten artform...I hate
long introductions....wait, here's
something...wheel pack.
                                                            
                       SETH
What's a wheel pack?
                                                            

80.

                       LARSON
It's like a dog pack.
                                                            
                       DALE
When the knob turns, it moves the
wheels inside the lock until they
hit some sort of triggery thingy.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
That's what we want to do. Does
anyone have a stethoscope?
                                                            
                       LARSON
This really isn't the time for
playing doctor, Johnny.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
No, in the movies, the safecracker
always has a stethoscope. You have
to listen to how the wheel clicks.
                                                            
                       DALE
I'm getting to that part.
Something about contact points.
Turn the knob until you hear a
click, Seth. That will tell us
where the contact point is.
                                                            
                       SETH
Then what?
                                                            
                       DALE
Okay, now turn the knob to its
polar opposite and let it set
here. You just parked the wheel.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Parking the wheel. I feel like a
professional criminal now.
                                                            
                       SETH
A professional criminal with a
great butt.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Well, that goes without saying.
                                                            
                       DALE
Now turn the wheel slowly to the
right and listen for more clicks.
The number of clicks corresponds
to the numbers in the combination.
                                                            

81.

                       SETH
Four.
                                                            
                       DALE
Okay, now reset the lock by
turning it to the right a few
times.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Now what?
                                                            
                       DALE
Now we just have to repeat the
process going left, map out the
contact points, make a few graphs
to determine the numbers in the
combination, then try variations
of that number series until we
find the combination.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
18-40-25-10.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What makes you think that, Johnny?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
This piece of paper I found on
that table.
                                                            
                       DALE
Just now?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
A couple minutes ago.
                                                            
Seth and Dale get up and look at Johnny. Larson walks over
and takes his laptop back.
                                                            
                       SETH
You found that piece of paper
before we found the safe.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yeah.
                                                            
                       DALE
And were holding on to said piece
of paper while we were going about
the elaborate task of cracking the
said safe.
                                                            

82.

                       JOHNNY
Yes.
                                                            
                       DALE
      (taking paper)
Give me that!
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Hooray for Johnny!
                                                            
Dale opens the safe.
                                                            
                       DALE
I once was lost but now am found.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
They're so beautiful.
                                                            
                       SETH
Shush. They're sleeping.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (picking a dollar
       out of the safe)
I'm going to name this one
Jebediah.
                                                            
Seth opens his backpack and they start moving money from the
safe into the pack. While they are doing this, Ms. Clark has
entered the room to see what's happening. She doesn't make a
sound.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Alright, let's look for other
valuables. Seth, check that side
of the room.
                                                            
While the others finish putting money into the bag, Seth
starts feeling around the room. He ends up putting his hands
on Ms.Clark's chest. He stops.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Find anything, Seth?
                                                            
                       SETH
Um...yeah.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Is it treasure?
                                                            
                       SETH
You could say that.
                                                            

83.

                       MS.CLARK
Well, hello to you too.
                                                            
                       DALE
Cheese it!
                                                            
                       SETH
      (removing hands)
Ma'am.
                                                            
Everyone packs up and takes off out the front door.
                                                            
END SCENE
                                                            
 
INT. ACT 1, SCENE 5 - NIGHT
                                                            
We are back at the apartment. The lights slowly come on as
the gang sneaks in to the front room. Johnny is carrying the
backpack, and Larson has his laptop. They are feeling rather
pleased with themselves.
                                                            
                       DALE
People! People! Peeps!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (like a baby chick)
Peep, peep, peep.
                                                            
                       DALE
I think we can all agree that this
was a great victory
over...something.
                                                            
                       SETH
The aristocracy!
                                                            
                       LARSON
And boredom!
                                                            
                       DALE
And we should all be commended for
our valor and our lack of fear and
our gumption and our ingenuity and
our..valor.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Valor twice.
                                                            
                       DALE
Valor's important!
                                                            

84.

                       JOHNNY
      (still like a
       chick)
Peeeeeeeep.
                                                            
                       SETH
We all played our parts in this
drama. We all combined our talents
and did something grand.
                                                            
                       LARSON
And Seth technically got to second
base.