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Great Gnome Caper
by Derek James Hauk (misterhauk@gmail.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***
A WIP stageplay. Dark comedy utilizing a fairly standard caper movie plot.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



GREAT GNOME CAPER

INT. ACT 1, SCENE 1 - DAY
                                                            
The curtain opens and the lights slowly come up on the
stage. We are looking into the living room of a small
apartment. There are three doors: one coming in from the
hallway, one going out to another room of the apartment, and
a closet door. There is a sofa in the middle of the room
with large pillows. A throw rug is on the floor in front of
the couch. There is a table in the back with a phone and a
lamp with large shade. LARSON enters from the hallway
cautiously.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Lily? Honey?
                                                            
Larson makes a quick sweep of the room, then comes back
towards the hallway.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Alright guys. Coast is clear.
                                                            
SETH enters nervously.
                                                            
                       SETH
Are you sure? Negative on the
Lilith?
                                                            
                       LARSON
She must be asleep.
                                                            
                       SETH
Good.
                                                            
                       LARSON
No, not good. I mean, it's good
for us, as a collective, but it's
bad for me. She doesn't like to go
to bed alone.
                                                            
                       SETH
Sucks to be you, Larson.
                                                            
JOHNNY enters nonchalantly.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
S'all right?
                                                            
                       SETH
S'all right.
                                                            

2.

                       JOHNNY
What's that?
                                                            
                       LARSON
What's what?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
That smell.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't smell anything.
                                                            
                       SETH
No, there's definitely an aroma.
It's not unpleasant.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Description?
                                                            
                       SETH
It kind of smells like a field on
a warm summer's day.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
It smells like happiness.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I think you're sniffing my linens.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Where can I get some of these
wondrously fragrant linens?
                                                            
                       LARSON
You have to move in with a girl.
As soon as you do, all of your
sheets and towels are magically
transformed.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
How?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't know. Magic, fabric-loving
pixies.
                                                            
                       SETH
I don't trust fabric-loving
pixies.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You're impist.
                                                            

3.

                       SETH
What?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You have an unfounded prejudice
against small, magical creatures.
Impist.
                                                            
                       SETH
Even pretending that's a real
word, I am not an impist.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Are you a nudist?
                                                            
                       LARSON
An artist?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
A Marxist?
                                                            
                       SETH
      (confused)
I'm not...I wasn't...I don't even
remember what I'm defending myself
against.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What's taking so long? Seth, go
get the slackers.
                                                            
                       SETH
How come I always got to go get
the slackers?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Because you always go get the
slackers. If you didn't always go
get the slackers, then you
wouldn't always have to go get the
slackers.
                                                            
                       SETH
I think you just blew one of the
synapses in my brain.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Dammit, Johnny, don't give Seth an
aneuryism. He still owes me five
dollars.
                                                            

4.

                       SETH
      (hand to head)
I can feel parts of my brain dying
as we speak. I just forgot how to
ride a bike.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Stop whining and go get the
slackers.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (as he leaves)
Fine. I'll go get the slackers.
But next time, Johnny gets the
slackers. I will meanwhile be busy
having a seizure.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Where is the Lilith?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Asleep. It's late. Normal people
go to sleep when it's late.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I've always wondered what it would
be like to be normal.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I've tried it. It's boring. Very
boring.
                                                            
DALE and Seth enter. Seth is still nervous, which annoys
Dale to no end.
                                                            
                       DALE
Yo, someone tell Seth to simmer
the hell down. He's like a Jewish
mother over here.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Did you just say "yo"?
                                                            
                       DALE
Yes, yes I did. Problem?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Boy, I haven't heard a good "yo"
since, well, I don't know when.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Maybe that's for the best.
                                                            

5.

                       SETH
What do you mean I'm like a Jewish
mother?
                                                            
                       DALE
You're just all whiny and you keep
worrying about stuff, and you're
just really being a downer.
                                                            
                       SETH
Do you have any Jewish friends?
Have you ever met a Jewish mother?
                                                            
                       DALE
      (defensively)
I saw a Neil Diamond play.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Simon, Dale.
                                                            
                       DALE
Pardon?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Neil Simon. You said Neil Diamond,
you meant Neil Simon.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (singing)
Me and Julio down by the
schoolyard.
                                                            
                       LARSON
That's Paul Simon. Neil Simon is
the playwright. Trust me, I did a
term paper on him.
                                                            
                       SETH
How did you do?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't want to talk about it.
Suffice to say, there's a reason I
dropped my English minor.
                                                            
                       DALE
Well, I suppose that's better than
me dropping my English MAJOR.
                                                            

6.

                       LARSON
You know, if you can't tell the
difference between Neil Diamond
and Neil Simon, maybe you should
drop your English major.
                                                            
                       DALE
Yeah, I kind of picked that one at
random.
                                                            
                       SETH
That's how my brother became
pre-law.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Hey, where's Ashley?
                                                            
                       SETH
I couldn't find her.
                                                            
                       DALE
She went out for a smoke.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (worried)
She's outside?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Hey, I don't allow smoking in my
apartment, okay? It makes Lily all
phlegmy.
                                                            
                       DALE
That's disgusting. Please don't
mention that ever again.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I am simply stating a basic
medical fact. There's not much I
can do about it. If I am to love
Lilith, then I am to also love her
allergies.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
That's pretty kinky.
                                                            
                       SETH
Ashley's going to get caught.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I'm pretty sure she's allowed to
smoke in front of the building.
                                                            

7.

                       SETH
Not for smoking, spacewaster. She
has the product.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (snapping)
You let her go outside with the
product?
                                                            
                       DALE
      (apologetically)
It's in a bag. You can't really
tell what it is unless you get up
close.
                                                            
                       LARSON
See, cops usually get up close,
Dale.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Cops can get as close as they
want. And you can't give them any
lip. They don't take kindly to
insult.
                                                            
                       LARSON
They have a limited appreciation
of satire as well. And forget
about sarcasm.
                                                            
                       SETH
She's gonna get caught and we're
all going down.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Down where, exactly?
                                                            
                       SETH
You know. Down.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Is there a certain distance down
that we'll be going? Or a specific
location?
                                                            
                       DALE
And is it down? Or is it south?
And if we look at the map from the
side, will we be going west?
                                                            
                       SETH
I'm serious, guys.
                                                            

8.

                       LARSON
So are we, Seth. Semantics are no
laughing manner.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
It's like a George Carlin bit.
                                                            
                       DALE
Only with a lot less cussing.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Well, we don't need to work blue,
now do we?
                                                            
                       SETH
I think you've forgotten about our
dilemma. Ashley is...
                                                            
ASHLEY enters carrying a large sack or backpack.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Ashley is what?
                                                            
                       SETH
Ashley is right here.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Good smoke?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Below average. I think I might
need to quit for awhile.
                                                            
                       DALE
Seventeenth times a charm.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I didn't get a chance to really
enjoy it. I had to get the
evidence away from public view.
                                                            
                       LARSON
See? Ash is responsible.
                                                            
                       SETH
I never said she wasn't.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Oh yeah, Seth was harsh. He does
not trust your stealth skills at
all.
                                                            

9.

                       ASHLEY
You can't question my skills. I'm
like a ninja. A nicotine-addicted
ninja.
                                                            
                       DALE
Preaching to the choir. But Seth
thought you were going to get us
sent up the river.
                                                            
                       LARSON
No, we were going down, not up.
                                                            
                       DALE
Down the river?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
There was no river, just a
direction.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Well, we're not going in any
direction. We'll be staying away
from all bodies of water. We're
good.
                                                            
                       DALE
So Seth can finally relax?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Seth will never be able to relax.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You know, stress can cause ulcers,
among other health problems.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Don't tell him that. It'll just
make him worry more.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Yeah, and then his hair will fall
out.
                                                            
                       SETH
My hair?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Oh yeah, stress can cause your
hair to go grey, or even to fall
out.
                                                            

10.

                       SETH
I hate you people. I really,
really hate you people.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Alright, as much fun as it is to
see Seth squirm, and it is very
fun indeed, let's see the product.
                                                            
                       DALE
I think it's our biggest score
yet.
                                                            
                       SETH
It's more of an ideological
victory than anything else.
                                                            
                       DALE
Ida what?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Ideological. Adjective form of the
noun ideology: The body of ideas
reflecting the social needs and
aspirations of an individual,
group, class, or culture.
                                                            
                       DALE
Ever since you won the spelling
bee.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I can't believe you tried to
memorize the dictionary just to
win a spelling bee.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I was always an overachiever.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I wanna see it!
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (sage-like)
Patience, young Jonathon. All will
be revealed in time.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Can I get a drumroll?
                                                            
                       DALE
No.
                                                            

11.

                       ASHLEY
Just a little one?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
No drumroll.
                                                            
                       LARSON
It would be rather hollow, seeing
as how we already know what's in
the bag.
                                                            
                       SETH
How about instead of a drumroll,
we all just ooh and ah?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Sounds fair.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Alright. Prepare to be dazzled.
                                                            
Ashley puts the bag on the table and pulls it down,
revealing a garden gnome statue. The guys all fake
amazement, with oohs and ahs. They grow silent for a beat.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
It looked bigger in the garden.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Well, to be fair, it was next to a
very tiny flower.
                                                            
                       DALE
Yeah, that's a good point.
                                                            
Dale pulls a Pez dispenser out of his pocket and puts it
next to the gnome.
                                                            
                       DALE
Better?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yeah, that's much better.
                                                            
                       SETH
You had Pez?
                                                            
                       DALE
Yeah.
                                                            
                       SETH
Why didn't you share?
                                                            

12.

                       LARSON
The bogarding of Pez is a capital
offense, Dale.
                                                            
                       SETH
What flavor?
                                                            
                       DALE
Why do you care?
                                                            
                       SETH
What flavor?
                                                            
                       DALE
Lemon. I didn't figure anyone else
liked it.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Doesn't mean you shouldn't offer.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
It's an issue of common courtesy.
                                                            
                       DALE
Well, so any of you like lemon?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
No.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Too tart.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I've always been partial to grape.
                                                            
                       DALE
Seth, do you want some lemon Pez?
                                                            
                       SETH
No, I hate lemon.
                                                            
                       DALE
See!
                                                            
                       LILITH (O.S.)
      (sleepy)
Larson? Is that you?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Dammit! You woke up Lily!
                                                            
                       DALE
I didn't.
                                                            

13.

                       LARSON
Yes you did. She's up. Are you
deaf?
                                                            
                       DALE
Seth was at least three times as
loud as I was.
                                                            
                       SETH
I was not being loud. I am always
considerate of my volume around
sleeping people.
                                                            
                       LILITH (O.S.)
Larson? What are you doing?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Nothing, honey. Go on back to bed.
                                                            
                       SETH
Why do I get blamed for
everything?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Somebody cover the gnome.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Not it.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Ash?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Dale's closer.
                                                            
                       DALE
I'm busy.
                                                            
                       SETH
Busy trying to get me in trouble.
                                                            
                       DALE
Why does everything have to be
about you?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Cover the gnome!
                                                            
Lilith comes onstage in a robe.
                                                            
                       LILITH
What's everybody doing? Don't you
know what time it is?
                                                            

14.

                       JOHNNY
My watch broke yesterday. Thanks
for bringing it up.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson, what's going on?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Nothing, honey
                                                            
                       LILITH
Where have you been all night?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I was, I was doing stuff. Night
stuff.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Like what?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Like feeding raccoons.
                                                            
                       DALE
Feeding raccoons?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah, feeding raccoons. You were
there.
                                                            
                       DALE
Oh, those raccoons.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Well, I have to work tomorrow.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I know you do. I was just about to
send everyone home.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Okay. Send them all home and then
come to bed.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'll be there in a minute.
                                                            
Lilith turns around and walks offstage.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Close call.
                                                            

15.

                       SETH
Sleepy people don't see too good.
                                                            
Lilith storms back onstage, more awake.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Where did that gnome come from?
                                                            
                       LARSON
What gnome?
                                                            
Lilith glares at Larson.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Oh, that gnome.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
We're borrowing it.
                                                            
                       DALE
From my uncle.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
For important reasons.
                                                            
                       SETH
Top secret reasons.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
We'd tell you more, but you know
how the government gets.
                                                            
                       LARSON
So just go on back to bed, Lil.
We'll be done in a minute.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson, you know I don't like your
friends hanging around the
apartment all night.
                                                            
                       SETH
We don't hang around here all
night.
                                                            
                       LILITH
You hang around for the part of it
that matters.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Not always. Tonight we went out.
                                                            

16.

                       LILITH
      (points at gnome)
I can see that.
                                                            
                       DALE
I told you, it's my uncle's.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I didn't know we were hitting your
Uncle's house!
                                                            
                       DALE
I hate you, Johnny.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Why did you bring that here,
Larson? You told me that you could
seperate your friends from your
home life.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I can. I will. From now on, never
shall the twain meet.
                                                            
                       SETH
Twain?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Twain, middle English form of two,
from the Old English twegen.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (impressed)
Huh.
                                                            
                       LARSON
As of this moment, friends and
homelife are completely different
entities.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Good.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Um..Larson?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Oh yeah. Johnny needs to crash on
the sofa tonight.
                                                            
Lilith sighs in exasperation.
                                                            

17.

                       LARSON
Just for the night.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Can we have a moment alone,
Larson?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Sure, babe. Let me just debrief
the troops.
                                                            
                       DALE
Can we keep our pants?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Debrief: to summarize crucial
information and swear involved
parties to secrecy.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (to Ashley)
That's why you don't have a
boyfriend.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Why is my love life of any concern
to you?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Alright, guys, I'll call you
tomorrow.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (exiting)
Later, Lars.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (calling after
       Seth)
You're secretely in love with me,
aren't you?
                                                            
Ashley stomps out of the apartment after Seth. Johnny starts
to follow, then stops and addresses Larson.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
So can I crash here or not?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Can you really say no to that
face, Lil?
                                                            

18.

                       LILITH
Easily.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Why don't you wait outside,
Johnny, and I'll see what I can
do, okay?
                                                            
                       DALE
See you in the AM, Lars.
                                                            
                       LILITH
It already IS the AM, Dale.
                                                            
                       DALE
      (confused)
Right. Then I guess I'll see
you...um...yeah.
                                                            
Dale exits, Johnny follows behind him. Lilith sits down on
the couch. Both Lilith and Larson stare at the floor in
silence for a beat.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm sorry we woke you up.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I was half-awake already.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (gesturing to
       gnome)
We...um...we were going to repaint
it.
                                                            
                       LILITH
That's nice.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I was thinking you could help. You
took those art classes, and all.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Only for a month.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I was thinking maybe it would look
nice painted gold.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (looks at gnome)
That would look terrible.
                                                            

19.

                       LARSON
See? You have a better artistic
sense than me. You should help
paint the gnome.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson...
                                                            
                       LARSON
Then we can all hang out and do
something together. You, me, and
Ashley and the guys
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson, if you stay out late every
night, then you won't get any
sleep.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'd say that's a pretty valid
assumption.
                                                            
                       LILITH
And if you don't get any sleep,
then you'll be tired and cranky in
the morning.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Again, a very keen observation. I
love you because you're pretty AND
smart.
                                                            
                       LILITH
And if you're always tired and
cranky, then you'll never get
anywhere at the office.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You're assuming that there is a
hierarchy of copy boys.
                                                            
                       LILITH
All I'm suggesting is that maybe
if you were more professional, you
wouldn't have to be just a copy
boy.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Maybe I could get promoted to
caffiene distribution. Oh rapture!
                                                            

20.

                       LILITH
I'm serious, Larson. You're so
close to an actual desk, I just
know it.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Again, assuming I would want a
desk.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Well, what do you want Larson?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I want to go to bed.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson...
                                                            
                       LARSON
What? That's what I want. I want
to go to bed.
                                                            
Lilith walks past Larson towards the bedroom. She stops in
the doorway and sighs.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Johnny can sleep on the couch.
We'll all go to bed. Then we'll
all wake up and go to work. Then
we'll repeat that pattern until we
all die.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Johnny doesn't have a job, honey.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I know, Larson. Good night.
                                                            
Lilith exits. Larson starts fuming quietly as he walks
towards the hallway door.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Stupid...stupid...gah...
                                                            
He opens the door and Johnny slowly rambles in.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Everything cool?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Nothing's cool.
                                                            

21.

                       JOHNNY
The Flaming Lips are cool.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Well, obviously.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Samuel L. Jackson's cool.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I mean, nothing's cool in here. At
this moment. Domestically.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Can I still crash?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Go ahead. Couch is all yours. Me
and Lil have to work in the
morning, though, so you can't hang
around.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I'll be fine. Maybe I'll even make
breakfast. How early do you have
to leave?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Around seven.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Oh. Yeah, I can't do that.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I figured as much. Just lock the
door on your way out, all right?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
What were you guys fighting about?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Oh, something stupid.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Affairs of the heart are never
stupid, Lars.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I heard that on a Lifetime movie.
                                                            

22.

                       LARSON
Go to bed Johnny.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Can I have a glass of water?
                                                            
                       LARSON
You want me to get you a
nightlight while I'm at it?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Sarcasm cuts me.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Then I'll get you a bandaid. Good
night, Johnny.
                                                            
Larson exits.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Seriously, can I have a
nightlight?
                                                            
END SCENE 1
                                                            
 
INT. ACT 1, SCENE 2 - DAY
                                                            
Curtain opens. Johnny is sitting on the couch with a cereal
bowl. There is some mail on the desk. Larson enters from the
hallway.
                                                            
                       LARSON
One of these days, that place is
going up in flames.
                                                            
Larson removes his coat and starts going through the mail.
                                                            
                       LARSON
C'mon...where is...dammit!
                                                            
Larson throws the mail on the floor and sits on the couch
with his head in his hands. Johnny doesn't look at him.
Slowly, Larson realizes Johnny's on the couch.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Have you been here all day?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Maybe.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Didn't I tell you go home?
                                                            

23.

                       JOHNNY
Nope.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What did I say?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
To lock the door.
                                                            
                       LARSON
On your way out.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yeah.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Doesn't that imply that you're
supposed to leave?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Eventually.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What have you been doing all day?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I sorted the mail.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Is that all the mail?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
No...wait...yeah.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Did you do anything else today?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yeah...wait...no.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I see. Were you planning on going
home anytime soon?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Eventually.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I love your sense of symmetry.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
What?
                                                            

24.

                       LARSON
Your symm...never mind.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
When does Lilith get home?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Usually an hour after I do.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
So what do you do for an hour?
                                                            
                       LARSON
What have you been doing all day?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Nothing.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Precisely.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
What was supposed to be in the
mail?
                                                            
                       LARSON
What?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
The mail. You were looking for
something in the mail.
                                                            
                       LARSON
No, I wasn't.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yeah, you were. You were totally
expecting something in the mail.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Nothing important.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Everything's important to
somebody, Larson.
                                                            
Long pause.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You watch too much TV.
                                                            

25.

                       JOHNNY
So what were you guys fighting
about last night?
                                                            
                       LARSON
We weren't fighting last night.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Well, what were you guys fighting
about this morning?
                                                            
                       LARSON
We weren't fighting this morning.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Alright.
                                                            
Larson lets out a long sigh and puts his head in his hands.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (looking at bowl)
You guys need to buy more Froot
Loops.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You a fan of existensialism,
Johnny?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Is that like Techno?
                                                            
                       LARSON
It's a philosophy term, Johnny.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Then...no.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah, I didn't figure.
                                                            
Johnny gets up off the couch.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You going home?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Naw, just to the bathroom.
                                                            
Johnny walks out of the room, then comes back after a beat.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Um...
                                                            

26.

                       LARSON
Second door on the right.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Thanks.
                                                            
Johnny exits. Larson gets off the couch and walks over to
the gnome.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You're a very chipper little
fellow, aren't you? All smiles and
rainbows over in this part of the
room, huh? I'll bet even you have
your dirty little secrets.
                                                            
Johnny comes back in.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Are you talking to the gnome?
                                                            
                       LARSON
No.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yes, you were.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I was soul-searching.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Existensialism?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Did you wash your hands?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yes.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Good. I don't need your germs on
everything.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
My germs are lovely, and well
behaved. You should politely ask
me to put my germs on everything.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah, don't see that happening.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Oh, everyone's on their way over.
                                                            

27.

                       LARSON
Everyone?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yeah.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Why?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Just cos.
                                                            
                       LARSON
But I haven't had my nothing time
yet.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Tell it to the gnome.
                                                            
                       LARSON
When is everyone getting here?
                                                            
There's a knock on the door.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
My guess? Now.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Come on in, door's unlocked.
                                                            
Ashley and Dale enter.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Where's Seth?
                                                            
                       DALE
Parking the car.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Seth got a car?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
He's borrowing his dad's SUV.
                                                            
                       DALE
Yeah, and he can't figure out how
to park the stupid thing.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
It's very amusing.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I need to see this.
                                                            

28.

Johnny runs out of the apartment.
                                                            
                       DALE
You wanna come watch, Lars?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I just got home. I haven't even
had a chance to take my shoes off
yet.
                                                            
                       DALE
So...you wanna come watch, Lars?
                                                            
                       LARSON
No. I just want to sit down and
relax for a moment. And do
nothing.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Tough day?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Every day is a tough day.
                                                            
                       DALE
I thought you were just an office
boy.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Your point?
                                                            
                       DALE
Do you really have stressful days?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yes. Mediocrity is quite
stressful, indeed.
                                                            
Ashley notices the pile of mail on the floor.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Ah, I see Johnny was in charge of
sorting the mail.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Oh. Could you pick that up? Just
put it next to Stumpy.
                                                            
                       DALE
You already named the gnome?
That's what we were coming over to
do. We had a whole ceremony
planned out and everything.
                                                            

29.

                       LARSON
It's not official.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Good, because I've been looking
forward to the naming ceremony all
day.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I know for a fact that you don't
even wake up until the afternoon.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Well, I've been looking forward to
it for the past few hours.
                                                            
                       DALE
And we've spent said hours
planning this ceremony. That will
commence as soon as Seth parks the
car.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Well, then, I guess I have time to
at least wash up a little.
                                                            
Larson exits.
                                                            
                       DALE
I thought he'd be more excited. He
usually loves ceremonies.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I think Larson's a little
preoccupied today. Lilith didn't
look too happy last night.
                                                            
                       DALE
This morning.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
If it happened before I went to
sleep, then it happened last
night.
                                                            
                       DALE
We should have a painting ceremony
tomorrow.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Before we have a painting
ceremonry, we need to have a gnome
bathing ceremony.
                                                            

30.

                       DALE
Bathing?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
No use painting a dirty gnome.
                                                            
Dale lays down on the couch and rests his feet on the
armrest.
                                                            
                       DALE
I think I might grow a beard. Like
a Grizzly Adams beard.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
If you grow it, I'll braid it.
                                                            
                       DALE
You'll braid my beard?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I did it for my brother.
                                                            
                       DALE
You braided your brother's beard?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I braided my brother Bradley's
beard.
                                                            
                       DALE
Was he burly?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
A little bit, I guess.
                                                            
                       DALE
So he was barely burly?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Bring it on home.
                                                            
                       DALE
You braided your barely burly
brother Bradley's beard.
                                                            
They high five.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Nice.
                                                            
                       DALE
I do love me a good
tongue-twister.
                                                            

31.

Larson enters.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (disappointed)
Aw, did I miss the tongue twister
game?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Yeah, and it was a real beauty
this time.
                                                            
Larson notices Dale's feet. He begins to gesture wildly.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Feet! Feet!
                                                            
                       DALE
I think he's trying to
communicate.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Off! Feet off!
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Water, Helen!
                                                            
                       LARSON
Get your feet off of the couch!
                                                            
Dale quickly removes his feet and sits up straight. Larson
inspects the couch carefully.
                                                            
                       DALE
What's the malfunction?
                                                            
                       LARSON
This is Edna's couch!
                                                            
                       DALE
The mother of the Lilith?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah.
                                                            
                       DALE
So we're not allowed to lounge on
the couch?
                                                            
                       LARSON
You're not allowed to have shoes
on the couch. It's a basic rule, I
thought it was universal.
                                                            

32.

                       ASHLEY
Is this like the coaster incident?
                                                            
                       DALE
The coaster incident?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Johnny forgot to use a coaster.
                                                            
                       LARSON
And? Don't forget the 'and'.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
And it left a big ring on the
Lilith Mother's table. So Larson
threw it out.
                                                            
                       DALE
Why didn't you just refinish it?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Because Edna would be able to
tell.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
So he just told her that it was
stolen.
                                                            
                       DALE
Yeah, they walked right past the
TV, left the stereo alone, and
stole the table.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Let's have a moment of silence for
the coffee table that no longer
supports beverages.
                                                            
Larson, Ashley, and Dale lower their heads. Seth and Johnny
enter.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
That might have been the funniest
thing I have ever seen in my life.
                                                            
                       SETH
Just drop it, alright?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Over two curbs.
                                                            
                       SETH
Drop it.
                                                            

33.

                       JOHNNY
Almost hit a blind guy.
                                                            
                       SETH
Drop.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
The triple donut was a classic.
                                                            
                       SETH
This conversation is over.
                                                            
                       DALE
You guys are ruining the moment of
silence!
                                                            
                       SETH
Sorry.
                                                            
They all lower their heads and stand in silence for a beat.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Um...who died?
                                                            
                       LARSON
My coffee table.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Oh, okay.
                                                            
Another beat of silence.
                                                            
                       SETH
Moment over?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Let it linger...okay, it's over.
                                                            
                       DALE
Time for the ceremony!
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Ceremony time!
                                                            
                       LARSON
Woot.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Do we have a song?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Nope. Didn't have enough time.
                                                            

34.

                       SETH
A ceremony without a song?
                                                            
                       DALE
Hey, we only had a few hours to
plan this, lay off.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Do we have a dance?
                                                            
                       DALE
Again, very little time.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Hey, Ash? What's existensialism?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Existensialism. A philosophy
extolling the uniqueness and
isolation of the individual in an
indifferent universe and stressing
the freedom of choice.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Oh.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (to Johnny)
How in the world would you come
into contact with existensialism?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Larson brought it up.
                                                            
                       DALE
Are you having a long dark night
of the soul, Lars?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Afternoon. Long dark afternoon of
the soul.
                                                            
                       DALE
      (to Johnny)
I despise you with a hatred that
could fuel a million suns.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm just having a small personal
crisis, is all.
                                                            
                       SETH
About what?
                                                            

35.

                       LARSON
See, I can't really explain it to
you guys.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (grabbing gnome)
Why not?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Because you have no jobs. You just
hang around all day.
                                                            
                       DALE
Larson, sloth is what sets us
apart from the animals. Well,
except for sloths.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What it comes down to is, my life
lacks direction. I don't like my
job.
                                                            
                       SETH
Then quit.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Problem solved!
                                                            
                       DALE
I think I know what you're really
looking for, Larson.
                                                            
                       LARSON
This should be priceless.
                                                            
                       DALE
You need to come out with us
tonite and nab another gnome.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Nabbing gnomes at night is nice.
                                                            
                       SETH
Oh, I'm never any good at this.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You never nab nice gnomes at night
with your neighbor's neice Nancy.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm staying in tonight, guys.
                                                            
Ashley puts the gnome down in the middle of the room.
                                                            

36.

                       ASHLEY
You got any paper, Lars?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I think I saw a notebook in the
kitchen.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Could you get me a soda while
you're in there?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
No.
                                                            
Ashley exits.
                                                            
                       SETH
Ashley looks nice today.
                                                            
                       DALE
We've gone over this, Seth.
                                                            
                       SETH
What? All I said was that she
looked nice.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You have to consider what's best
for the collective.
                                                            
                       SETH
All I said...
                                                            
                       LARSON
Besides, I'm pretty sure she hates
you.
                                                            
                       SETH
I think that's what attracts me to
her.
                                                            
                       DALE
Seth, you crush easy.
                                                            
                       SETH
I have no idea what that's
supposed to mean.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You are easily infatuated.
                                                            
                       SETH
Again, no idea.
                                                            

37.

                       JOHNNY
You have a crush on every girl you
see.
                                                            
                       SETH
That's not true.
                                                            
                       LARSON
It's not far from the truth. Hell,
you've had a crush on every Bond
girl after 1985.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You have a crush on the
weathergirl.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You had a crush on nearly all of
your female teachers.
                                                            
                       DALE
You had a crush on Lilith.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah, you...what?
                                                            
                       SETH
I didn't! I did not have a crush
on your girl, Lars.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Seth, I'm going to let this slide
since we've been friends so long.
But just remember: I can and will
gouge your eyes out.
                                                            
Ashley comes back on stage carrying a handful of scrap paper
and some pencils. She hands them out to the guys.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Alright people, here's the setup.
                                                            
                       DALE
Everyone write down some potential
names...
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You are violating the sanctity of
Rock Paper Scissors.
                                                            
                       DALE
Sorry.
                                                            

38.

                       ASHLEY
Everyone write down some potential
names for the gnome.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
No one else write down Chomsky. I
already called it.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Then we'll circle the gnome and
throw the names into the air. We
keep the names that stick to the
gnome and discard the rest. Then
we repeat the process until only
one remains.
                                                            
                       SETH
We should chant while we do it.
                                                            
                       DALE
Alright, we'll chant...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I am the Lorax, I speak for the
trees!
                                                            
                       LARSON
Strangely enough, I think that'll
work.
                                                            
Everyone hurriedly scribbles names on their papers. Johnny
leans over and looks at Seth's paper. Seth slaps him.
                                                            
                       DALE
Everyone ready? Form the circle.
                                                            
Everyone walks in a circle around the gnome, chanting "I am
the Lorax I speak for the trees" and throwing their paper
into the air. When all the paper is thrown, they look down
at the mess on the floor.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Let's just pick up a piece of
paper and that will be the gnome's
name.
                                                            
                       SETH
Who wants to pick up the slip?
                                                            
They all look at each other and instinctively start playing
Rock Paper Scissors. Johnny wins.
                                                            

39.

                       JOHNNY
Alright! What do I win?
                                                            
                       LARSON
You get to pick up a piece of
paper and name the gnome.
                                                            
Johnny picks up a slip and carefully reads it to himself.
The others wait anxiously.
                                                            
                       DALE
Well?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Well, what?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Read the name, Johnny.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
It says Gob.
                                                            
                       DALE
Who wrote down Gob?
                                                            
They all look at Seth.
                                                            
                       SETH
What? Gob is the King of the
Gnomes.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Is there any job that will require
a Mythological Studies minor?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Every job requires a Mythological
Studies minor.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Except for the jobs that don't.
                                                            
                       SETH
Why did I even go to school?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm taking classes again.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Where?
                                                            
                       LARSON
The Internet.
                                                            

40.

                       JOHNNY
Where's that?
                                                            
                       SETH
The Internet, Johnny. The computer
Internet.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm supposed to be getting my
first set of grades this week, and
I need to pick them up before
Lilith sees them.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Are they bad?
                                                            
                       LARSON
No, see, I haven't told her yet...
                                                            
Lilith enters.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Haven't told me what?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I haven't told you that I love
you. Not since this morning,
anyway.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (sees mess)
Did we have a party?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
We named the gnome.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Oh. I see. Another one of those
ceremonies.
                                                            
                       DALE
Seth! Stop crushing on the Lilith!
                                                            
                       SETH
I wasn't!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You totally look like a little
lost puppy.
                                                            
                       LARSON
We named it Gob.
                                                            

41.

                       LILITH
The King of Gnomes?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Uh-oh. She knows mythology, too. I
think the crush has reached
critical mass.
                                                            
                       SETH
I will tie cement blocks to your
legs and toss you off of a bridge.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Can you get this cleaned up,
honey? I need to change contacts.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Of course.
                                                            
                       LILITH
All day long, it's felt like
jagged little pieces of glass in
my eyes.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Taking a bath, too?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Later. Right now, my only concern
is corrective lense removal.
                                                            
Lilith exits the stage. Larson starts picking up paper and
straightening up the room.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Owned.
                                                            
                       LARSON
It's what you do when you become a
mature, responsible adult in a
mature, adult coupling.
                                                            
                       SETH
Whatever she tells you?
                                                            
                       DALE
So are you coming along tonight or
not?
                                                            
                       LARSON
The prospect of another gnome
isn't very enticing.
                                                            

42.

                       JOHNNY
You know, Lars is right. We need
to keep moving forward. On to
bigger things. We should steal a
mailbox.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Or one of those big pieces of
driftwood.
                                                            
                       DALE
I say we go case the neighborhood
for some big lawn ornamentation.
                                                            
                       SETH
I'll start the car.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
And if watching you pull out if
half as classic as watching you
pull in...
                                                            
                       SETH
Drop it, Johnny.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
That poor doggy...
                                                            
Seth and Johnny exit.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You gonna pull through, Champ?
                                                            
                       DALE
Yeah, I'm good.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I was asking Larson.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'll be fine. Not like I've never
had a philosophical crisis in my
life before.
                                                            
Lilith enters with a bottle and two glasses.
                                                            
                       DALE
If you come to your senses
sometime soon, give me a call.
We'll have something big planned.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Later, guys.
                                                            

43.

                       ASHLEY
Bye, Lars. Bye, Lily.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Bye.
                                                            
Ashley and Dale exit. Lilith sits down on the couch and
pours two drinks.
                                                            
                       LILITH
So...are you going out tonight?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't think so.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Good. I was hoping we could have a
nice night together.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Sounds good. Did you rush through
your paperwork to get home early?
                                                            
                       LILITH
I just pawned it off another
another girl.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Tricky.
                                                            
                       LILITH
And how was your day?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Same as yesterday, and the day
before that.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson...are you unhappy?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Not all the time.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Why are you unhappy?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Is this some sort of psychological
examination?
                                                            

44.

                       LILITH
No, I'm sorry. I just get used to
phrasing things a certain way at
the clinic.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Well, to answer your question, I
am unhappy because I feel like I'm
stuck.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Oh...
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (scrambling to
       cover)
Not with you. I didn't mean it
like that. This is great. Well,
except for the shadow.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Are you still pushing the Shadow
of Edna theory?
                                                            
                       LARSON
She owns us.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Well, as soon as you get that
promotion, and if I get more hours
at the clinic, then we can start
paying for everything ourselves.
                                                            
                       LARSON
So you work yourself to death, and
I make my up through the ladder
until maybe someday I'll finally
be a yes man.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Then what do you want to do,
Larson? What do you really want to
do?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't know.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Do you just want to lounge around
all day with your friends?
                                                            
                       LARSON
No.
                                                            

45.

                       LILITH
I don't dislike your friends,
Larson.
                                                            
                       LARSON
They know you don't.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I just think that there's a time
to grow up, you know? I don't want
to come off like some sort of
authority figure, but it's just a
basic fact. You can't be a
teenager when you're facing
thirty.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You're right.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I think it's time we all grow up a
little.
                                                            
There's a long pause as Larson and Lilith sip their drinks.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm taking some classes online.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Really? For what?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Technology and stuff.
                                                            
                       LILITH
That's great, honey! I'm so proud
of you.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I haven't finished them yet.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I'm proud that you're taking an
initiative. What will you do after
your classes are finished?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Get a better job. Something that's
not just being a whipping boy.
                                                            
                       LILITH
You know what this means, Larson?
                                                            

46.

                       LARSON
We both get to call in sick
tomorrow?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Now that you're a mature adult, no
more capering.
                                                            
                       LARSON
None at all?
                                                            
                       LILITH
You can't spend your nights
stealing things out of yards. Not
if you're serious about changing
your life.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I suppose that makes sense.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Besides, I'm sure that a mature
adult can find a better way to
spend an evening. Especially if
said mature adult has a ravishing,
intelligent woman who loves him.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah, I need to find me one of
those.
                                                            
Lilith takes a pillow off the couch and playfully hits
Larson in the face. They laugh and wrestle as the lights
come down.
                                                            
END SCENE
                                                            
 
INT. ACT 1, SCENE 3 - DAY
                                                            
The next day. Larson and Lilith are sitting on the couch,
reading. They don't look at each other during the following
exchange.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Hmm...
                                                            
                       LILITH
What?
                                                            
                       LARSON
What?
                                                            

47.

                       LILITH
You said 'Hmm...'
                                                            
                       LARSON
Did I?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Yes, you did.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Hmm...
                                                            
                       LILITH
Like that.
                                                            
                       LARSON
So?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Usually you only make that noise
when you read something
interesting.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I do?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Yes, you do. You read something
interesting, you say 'Hmm...' and
then you tell me what you just
read.
                                                            
                       LARSON
That sounds about right.
                                                            
                       LILITH
So I was simply trying to see what
was so interesting.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Oh. Well, I don't really remember
anymore. My attention moved to
this conversation, and I don't
remember what I just read.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Then I guess it wasn't that
interesting after all.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Must not have been.
                                                            
They continue reading, still not looking at each other.
                                                            

48.

                       LILITH
Hm...
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yes?
                                                            
                       LILITH
I was just wondering...
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yes?
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (putting down book)
If I went bald, would you still
love me?
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (not looking up)
If you what?
                                                            
                       LILITH
If I went bald.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Bald?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Yes. Would you still love me if I
was bald?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Through genetic predisposition?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Doesn't matter. Genetics,
radiation, salon mishap. Would you
still love me?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Of course I would.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (goes back to
       reading)
Good.
                                                            
                       LARSON
And I'd love your wig, too.
                                                            
Lilith smiles but continues reading. There's a knock at the
door. Larson and Lilith continue reading. There's another
knock.
                                                            

49.

                       LILITH
Who do you think that is?
                                                            
                       LARSON
We both know who that is.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Well, are you going to answer the
door?
                                                            
There's another knock.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Should I?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Well, do they already know we're
home?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I didn't tell them I was.
                                                            
                       DALE (O.S.)
We know you're home, Lars!
                                                            
                       ASHLEY (O.S.)
We can hear you breathing!
                                                            
                       LARSON
Am I a loud breather?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Not especially.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I breath loudly?
                                                            
                       LILITH
I think it's cute.
                                                            
Larson closes his book and gets up off the couch. He slowly
makes his way to the hallway door.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY (O.S.)
Come on, Larson. I'm scared of
your hallway. That guy two doors
down looks like a child molester.
                                                            
                       SETH (O.S.)
Oh, hey, Mr. Pinato! Lovely day,
huh?
                                                            

50.

                       JOHNNY (O.S.)
You look like a child molester!
                                                            
Larson opens the door. Ashley and Dale tumble to the floor.
Seth steps over them. Seth wears a backpack. They get up and
brush themselves off. Everybody steps back. Johnny runs into
the apartment.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
What did I say?
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (leaning out door)
Sorry, Mr. Pinato. You look very
lovely...today.
                                                            
Larson slams the door shut.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Great. Now my neighbor thinks I
was coming on to him.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Aw, that's sweet.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Where were you last night?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Here.
                                                            
                       DALE
Why?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Because this is were I live.
                                                            
                       SETH
Why didn't you come out?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I told you I wasn't going out. And
I'm not going out.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
What do you mean you're not going
out?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Guys, I'm hanging up my spurs. I
will go riding no more.
                                                            

51.

                       SETH
You have spurs?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I told you Lilith was kinky.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm refocusing my life. And...
                                                            
                       DALE
And?
                                                            
                       SETH
I don't like where this is going.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't want to caper anymore.
                                                            
Ashley, Dale, Johnny, and Seth all scream "What?" This
surprises Larson. He falls down.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Why would you do that?
                                                            
                       DALE
That's a horrible idea.
                                                            
                       SETH
Are you feeling okay?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Do you have a fever?
                                                            
                       SETH
We should call a doctor.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You can't die on me, Larson!
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (standing up)
I'm feeling fine, guys. It's
just...I've been feeling really
wierd lately and now I know why. I
needed to change my life.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Well, this is a bad change!
                                                            
                       LILITH
You guys can still come over.
Maybe we could have a movie night
this weekend.
                                                            

52.

                       DALE
Sorry, Lilith. But you don't
understand. This is more than just
diminished social time. This is
about tradition.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Tradition?
                                                            
                       DALE
And this is about honor.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Honor?
                                                            
                       DALE
And this is about...um...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Tradition.
                                                            
                       DALE
Yeah.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (leaning in
       towards Dale)
You said tradition twice.
                                                            
                       DALE
Did I?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Yeah, you said tradition twice.
                                                            
                       DALE
Tradition's important!
                                                            
                       LARSON
And this is about becoming more
mature, Dale.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Is it your birthday?
                                                            
                       DALE
      (to Johnny)
What? No.
                                                            
                       LILITH
We're trying to really start
living on own.
                                                            

53.

                       LARSON
Yeah. I'm going to get a better
job, and then we can stop
depending on the Shadow to take
care of rent.
                                                            
                       SETH
The Shadow?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
The mother.
                                                            
                       SETH
Oh, the Lilith Mother.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (getting off couch)
Does anyone want coffee?
                                                            
The all look at her.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Or tea?
                                                            
More silence.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Juice?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'll have some coffee, honey. I
don't think anybody else wants a
drink.
                                                            
                       SETH
You got scotch?
                                                            
                       LARSON
No.
                                                            
                       SETH
Whiskey?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Do you often drink hard liqour in
the afternoon, Seth?
                                                            
                       SETH
I'm emotionally devestated right
now.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I'll find something.
                                                            

54.

Lilith exits. Seth watches her leave. Johnny smacks him on
the back of the head.
                                                            
                       SETH
Ow!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Stop crushing!
                                                            
                       DALE
You don't want to skip out on us
now, Lars.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm not skipping out on you. I'm
just gonna be spending more time
at home.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
We're planning big things now.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
That's right. The gnome was just
the beginning.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What did you guys steal last
night?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Nothing. We planned.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You planned what?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Big things.
                                                            
                       SETH
You already said we were planning
big things, Johnny.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I think Lars wants specifics.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Generally when describing a plan,
specific is good.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Dale?
                                                            

55.

                       DALE
Alright, so here's the deal. We've
nabbed mostly little things up
until now. Things with little
emotional value. Nothing that
anyone's been attached to. I mean,
who really loves their garden
gnome?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Oh god. You want to steal a baby.
                                                            
                       DALE
What? No.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Can we name it Johnny Junior?
                                                            
                       SETH
We're not stealing a baby, Johnny.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I know, but...can we name it
Johnny Junior?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Go on, Dale.
                                                            
                       DALE
More importantly, the monetary
value of our swag has been rather
minimal.
                                                            
                       SETH
Swag?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Swag. Valuable goods. Also, goods
obtained illegally. Possibly
coming from Australia, where swag
is a sort of pack.
                                                            
                       SETH
Why do you do that?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
It makes you want me, doesn't it?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Go on.
                                                            

56.

                       DALE
It's about time we really set our
sights high.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Planning something big.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Count me out, guys.
                                                            
                       SETH
You don't even know what it is
yet!
                                                            
                       LARSON
I promised Lil...
                                                            
Lilith enters with a bottle and some paper cups.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Promised me that he would stay in
at night so he could focus on his
schoolwork.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
School work?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah, it's really cool. I hop
online and I download my
assignments, and there are
simulators and stuff.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Like a flight sim?
                                                            
                       LARSON
No, like a computer simulator.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Why do you need a computer
simulator, when you already have a
computer?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Because if I do something wrong in
the simulator, nothing bad will
happen.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Why are you taking classes? I
thought you were finally done with
school.
                                                            

57.

Lilith has poured drinks for everyone.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Who needs happy juice?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Oo! Oo! Me!
                                                            
                       SETH
I am feeling rather parched.
                                                            
                       DALE
Hit me.
                                                            
Johnny smacks Dale in the head.
                                                            
                       DALE
Johnny...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I know, you hate me.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson and I are focusing on our
careers so that we can stop having
to rely on my mother for financial
support.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah, if I had a computer degree I
would have much better prospects.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Ash?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Prospects. Expectations of
financial success. Possibilities.
Also, the probable location of
mineral deposits.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I love that.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Oh, Lil. Did you get my coffee?
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (holding up hands)
Count them.
                                                            

58.

                       LARSON
      (smiling)
No rush.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Sugars? Creams? Spit?
                                                            
                       LARSON
First two, please.
                                                            
Lilith and Larson share a quick kiss on her way out. Ashley
and the guys sip their drinks and glare at Larson. A long
silence.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What?
                                                            
Silence.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't know any other way I can
explain this. I am done going out
with you guys. We can still be
friends, but don't count on me to
be part of your new, more illegal
activities.
                                                            
                       SETH
Larson. This isn't like you. You
love capering. You're just letting
yourself be influenced by some big
eyes, and tight shirts, and nice
legs, and...I'm making this worse,
aren't I?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Wait, Lars. What if you could give
Lily everything she wanted?
                                                            
                       LARSON
That would be nice.
                                                            
                       DALE
      (to Ashley)
Good angle.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
We're talking money here, Lars
                                                            
                       LARSON
Somebody else's money.
                                                            

59.

                       ASHLEY
But money that's not actually
theirs.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Monopoly money?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I call the thimble!
                                                            
                       DALE
How often do you read the paper,
Larson?
                                                            
                       SETH
How often do you read the paper,
Dale?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
He's got a point.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You're supposed to be detailing
your amazing plan.
                                                            
                       DALE
Did you read about Alice Clark?
                                                            
Lilith enters with a mug and hands it to Larson. Ashley and
the guys act nonchalant.
                                                            
                       LILITH
The rich lady?
                                                            
                       SETH
Well, newly rich.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Sounds vaguely familiar. Give me a
refresher course.
                                                            
                       LILITH
This lady has lived in the suburbs
her entire life. Real John
Mellencamp, Pink Houses type
stuff.
                                                            
                       LARSON
John Mellencamp is more rural than
suburban.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I meant rural.
                                                            

60.

                       ASHLEY
I don't believe the suburbs have a
true voice.
                                                            
                       SETH
Such a shame.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Anyway, out of nowhere, she learns
that she was an illegimate child.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
A sordid tale of sex and intrigue.
                                                            
                       LILITH
What he said. Her mother had an
affair, and no one had ever told
the girl that her father wasn't
actually her father.
                                                            
                       SETH
It's like a made-for-TV movie.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Her real father was a wealthy
industrialist.
                                                            
                       LARSON
There are still wealthy
industrialists? I thought they had
been replaced by white collar
criminals.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
And he never sired any other
children. So she received an
enormous inheritance.
                                                            
                       SETH
Scratch TV movie. It's like a
Fairy Tale.
                                                            
                       LARSON
So she's moved into a large
mansion?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
It's not finished yet.
                                                            
                       LARSON
So she's living in an unfinished
mansion?
                                                            

61.

                       SETH
Yeah. And here's the wierd part.
Her mother was really into bucking
the system and distrusting
authority. So she doesn't want to
keep the money in the bank.
                                                            
                       LARSON
That's slightly wacky. She keeps
all the money in her home?
                                                            
                       DALE
Yeah. She admits that's it pretty
much out in the open.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Why would you admit to the
newspaper that you keep a fortune
just laying around your house?
You're pretty much just asking for
someone to steal it.
                                                            
                       DALE
      (smiling at Larson)
Yeah, I know.
                                                            
Larson starts to realize what the plan is. He looks at
Lilith and then back at the guys.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You know what, Lil? I think maybe
the guys would like to try some of
your cookies.
                                                            
                       SETH
You have cookies?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson and I called in sick this
morning, and I made cookies.
                                                            
                       SETH
I would love some of your cookies,
Lilith.
                                                            
                       DALE
      (grabbing Seth's
       ear)
Quit it!
                                                            
Lilith looks at Dale and Seth strangely for a second, then
exits to the kitchen.
                                                            

62.

                       ASHLEY
So Mr. Serious About His Career
called in sick today?
                                                            
                       LARSON
To celebrate my new seriousness,
of course.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (looks at Dale)
That really hurt.
                                                            
                       DALE
It's called aversion therapy. Go
rent Clockwork Orange.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Are you guys seriously
contemplating breaking into a
woman's home and stealing money?
                                                            
                       SETH
Not all of it.
                                                            
                       LARSON
This is quite a large step up from
lawn ornaments.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Told you.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Do you really think you're ready?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
We spent all last night planning
it.
                                                            
                       LARSON
That's all well and good, but...
                                                            
                       SETH
It's a lot of money, Lars.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
How many hours a week does Lilith
work?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Over forty.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
And she's thinking of taking more?
                                                            

63.

                       LARSON
Her mother gives us money...
                                                            
                       SETH
She won't need to.
                                                            
                       DALE
We split it evenly. And your share
will be more than enough to pay
for rent for quite some time.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You guys seem rather morally
assured.
                                                            
                       SETH
We figure she has more than
enough. Plus, it's not like she
worked for it.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
We've managed to rationalize it.
                                                            
                       LARSON
But how would I explain it to
Lilith?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Explain what?
                                                            
                       LARSON
The sudden appearance of money.
                                                            
                       DALE
A Christmas miracle.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Oh, yeah. She'd believe that. No
problem.
                                                            
Lilith enters with a plate of cookies.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (taking a cookie)
These things are great, you guys.
Try one.
                                                            
Everyone bites into a cookie.
                                                            
                       SETH
Oh my.
                                                            

64.

                       DALE
It's like my tastebuds are having
an orgy.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Lilith, I might have to go gay for
you.
                                                            
                       LARSON
See?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Well, Larson helped. In his own
way.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (explaining)
I didn't touch anything.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (cuddling)
Well, that's not totally true.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Clarification: I didn't touch any
inanimate object involved in the
preparation of the cookies.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I'm feeling suddenly
uncomfortable.
                                                            
Ashley finishes her cookie and starts devouring another and
another.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
So good!
                                                            
                       DALE
The secret ingredient is love.
                                                            
                       SETH
And I detect a hint of cinnamon.
                                                            
                       LILITH
We should bake more often.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm not a machine, woman.
                                                            
Lilith starts playfully poking Larson in the side and they
engage in a tickle fight. The others huddle near the
cookies.
                                                            

65.

                       JOHNNY
      (to Dale)
Do you think he's in or not?
                                                            
                       DALE
I'm not sure. We'll have to drag
him away from the Lilith.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (listening in)
That might be impossible.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You're doing it, again.
                                                            
                       SETH
Doing what?
                                                            
                       DALE
Just admit that you have a crush
on Lilith.
                                                            
                       SETH
I do not.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I got crumbs on my fingers. My
fingers are delicious!
                                                            
                       DALE
I think we've got him hooked. Now
to just reel him in.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Like a boot.
                                                            
                       SETH
A boot?
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (to Larson)
So I was thinking that this
weekend we might go look for some
new furniture.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What's wrong with the old
furniture?
                                                            
                       LILITH
It's old.
                                                            

66.

                       LARSON
Can't argue with that.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Of course you can't.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Can we keep the gnome?
                                                            
                       LILITH
We'll see. Whose Pez dispenser?
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (picking it up)
Dale?
                                                            
                       DALE
      (holding hand up)
Open.
                                                            
Larson tosses the Pez to Dale. Johnny intercepts it, causing
Dale to wrestle him to the ground.
                                                            
                       SETH
Such violence.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Guys, seriously. Grow up.
                                                            
                       DALE
      (still wrestling)
Let go!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Never!
                                                            
                       LARSON
Be careful!
                                                            
Dale and Johnny's wrestling match gets too close to the
table, and they knock the plate of cookies to the floor.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Stop!
                                                            
Dale and Johnny stop fighting and look at Lilith.
                                                            
                       LILITH
We spent all morning cleaning.
                                                            
                       SETH
Nice going, guys.
                                                            

67.

                       ASHLEY
      (lamenting cookies)
No!
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (sighing)
I'll go get the broom.
                                                            
Lilith exits the room. Dale and Johnny get back up quickly.
                                                            
                       DALE
Alright, where were we?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I do believe you were making a
mess on the floor.
                                                            
                       DALE
No, before that.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (staring at
       cookies)
They were so young. They had their
whole future ahead of them. Why
not me, Lord?
                                                            
                       SETH
Yes, why not her, Lord?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Can't you see I'm in grief?
                                                            
                       DALE
Are you in?
                                                            
                       LARSON
In grief?
                                                            
                       SETH
Are you going to come on the heist
with us?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
It's a heist, now?
                                                            
                       SETH
I believe the term applies.
Ashley?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Not now! Just let me mourn.
                                                            

68.

                       LARSON
I can't go out tonight. I have
another online assignment to do.
                                                            
                       SETH
Aren't you always bragging about
how awesome your wireless card is?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yeah, it's time to put your money
where your mouth is. Or somebody
else's money where your mouth is.
                                                            
                       LARSON
How are you getting in?
                                                            
                       DALE
Ah ha. Seth?
                                                            
Seth takes off his backpack and carefully places it on the
floor. He unzips it and ceremoniously removes a case.
                                                            
                       LARSON
A box?
                                                            
                       SETH
A case.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Well, I'm convinced. Great plan.
                                                            
                       DALE
Open the case, Seth.
                                                            
Seth opens the case and shows it to Larson.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What am I ogling here?
                                                            
                       SETH
It's a lockpicking kit.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Where did you get a lockpicking
kit?
                                                            
                       DALE
Johnny's house.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
We collect stuff.
                                                            

69.

                       LARSON
What about the alarm system?
                                                            
                       DALE
Seth?
                                                            
                       SETH
We cut the power.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Cut the power?
                                                            
                       DALE
Cut the power.
                                                            
Larson thinks about this for a moment while Dale, Seth, and
Johnny all nod approvingly.
                                                            
                       LARSON
The power?
                                                            
                       SETH
Cut it.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Cut it.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
The power.
                                                            
                       DALE
Cut the power.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Cut the power.
                                                            
                       LARSON
How?
                                                            
                       DALE
Seth?
                                                            
                       SETH
Not sure.
                                                            
                       DALE
Not sure.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Not sure how to cut the power?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Not sure.
                                                            

70.

Lilith enters with a broom and dust bin. Seth quickly shuts
the case.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Oh, don't mind me.
                                                            
                       SETH
Need any help?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Thank you, Seth.
                                                            
Lilith holds out the dust pan. Seth shoves the case into
Johnny's arms and takes the pan eagerly. Lilith sweeps as
she talks.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I know it's hard to explain when
you don't have your own place. But
even a small mess drives me crazy.
You can ask Larson, I'm not a neat
freak. But it's the front room.
You need to keep the front room
clean. You have to keep up
appearances.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I have trouble keeping up my
pants. It's why I wear a belt.
                                                            
Lilith takes the dust pan from Seth and starts to exit.
                                                            
                       LILITH
God forbid my Mother come by and
see that we're making a mess in
HER apartment.
                                                            
Lilith exits.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
It could be YOUR apartment, Lars.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
The term caper still applies to
the current activity.
                                                            
                       SETH
What?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You asked if heist applied to this
plan, and I'm telling you that
caper still applies. A caper can
            (MORE)

71.

                       ASHLEY (cont'd)
range from frivilous pranks to
major illegal activity,
particularly if it involves theft.
                                                            
                       SETH
Delayed reaction.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (punches Seth)
Instant gratification.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm still not sure about this.
                                                            
                       DALE
      (dramatic)
Come on, Larson. This is a
defining moment. The kind of
moment that only comes along once
in a lifetime. This is your
opportunity to seize the brass
ring, to grab the Holy Grail.
      (stands on the
       couch)
This is when you stand up for
yourself...
                                                            
                       LARSON
Feet off!
                                                            
                       DALE
      (hopping to floor)
When you stand up for yourself and
look into the cold unfeeling abyss
above and scream "I control my own
fate! My name is Larson and I am
significant!" So lift your skinny
fists like antennas to heaven,
Larson, and grab on to your
destiny!
                                                            
There is silence. Dale struggles to catch his breath. Larson
appears to be deep in thought, then he shrugs.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Now I have to go, if only to
justify that performance.
                                                            
                       SETH
That a boy, Larson!
                                                            
                       LARSON
Besides, it should be a good show.
                                                            

72.

                       JOHNNY
We should wear masks!
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
We'll meet back here in 0400
hours.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
What?
                                                            
                       SETH
Four hours, Johnny. We're coming
back in four hours to get ready.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Four hundred equals four?
                                                            
                       DALE
I'll explain later, Johnny.
                                                            
Seth, Johnny, Dale, and Ashley start to exit as Lilith
enters.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
See you in four hundred hours,
Larson.
                                                            
They exit.
                                                            
                       LILITH
So...what's up?
                                                            
                       LARSON
The guys are really taking it
hard, and they feel like they need
to go out drinking tonight. So I'm
going to chaperone.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (throwing arms
       around his neck)
Hmm. I love it when you act all
responsible.
                                                            
                       LARSON
But for the next four hours, I'm
all yours.
                                                            
                       LILITH
How generous of you.
                                                            

73.

                       LARSON
Why don't you go soak for a while,
and I'll make pasta?
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (saluting)
Yes, sir.
                                                            
Lilith starts to exit.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Lily?
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (in doorway)
Yes?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I love you.
                                                            
Lilith smiles and blows Larson a kiss, then ducks into the
doorway. Larson stands alone in the middle of the room then
looks up at the sky.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I am significant.
                                                            
END SCENE
                                                            
 
INT. ACT 1, SCENE 4 - NIGHT
                                                            
The stage is dark. We are inside the residence of Ms. Clark.
Since we are in dark, furniture just needs to be moved
slightly to imply a new location. Dale carefully opens the
door and enters the room, followed by the rest of the gang.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You know what would suck right
now? Guard dogs.
                                                            
                       SETH
Or if Ms. Clark was an insomniac
with a gun fetish.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Keep on moving, guys. We look a
little conspicuous right now.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Congrats on cutting the power,
Seth.
                                                            

74.

                       SETH
I was quite proud of myself.
                                                            
Dale tumbles over the couch.
                                                            
                       DALE
Good lord!
                                                            
                       LARSON
You okay, Dale?
                                                            
                       DALE
I found furniture.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Good for you.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Is there money on the couch?
                                                            
                       DALE
I doubt it.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Check under the cushions.
                                                            
                       DALE
I'm not going to look for money
under the sofa cushions.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Check.
                                                            
                       DALE
There is no money in the couch.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Just check.
                                                            
Dale reaches under the couch cushion.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Well?
                                                            
                       DALE
Hm. You were right, Johnny. I
found a quarter.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Oh! Check what state it is.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Are you serious?
                                                            

75.

                       ASHLEY
My mom collects the state
quarters.
                                                            
                       SETH
Do you really think they'll be
worth anything?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Not at all.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
How can you be so sure?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
It's like collecting comic books.
The only books that are worth
money are the books that no one
has.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't think that was a proper
sentence, Johnny.
                                                            
                       SETH
Is this really the time and place
to discuss supply and demand?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Seth, there's always time to
celebrate the tenants of
capitalism. Why, capitalism is why
we're here right now.
                                                            
                       DALE
Now, if I were a slightly damaged
heiress, where would I keep my
money?
                                                            
There's a beat of silence.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I give up. Where?
                                                            
                       DALE
From now on, everytime you say
something stupid, your share of
the loot goes down.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Can I at least have the quarter?
                                                            
Dale tosses the quarter to Johnny. He doesn't catch it.
                                                            

76.

                       JOHNNY
      (disappointed)
Oh...
                                                            
Larson finds an empty spot to sit and turns on his laptop,
illuminating his face. The others slowly make their way
through the room, touching everything.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You guys let me know if you find
something. I need to make some
headway on this assignment.
                                                            
                       SETH
Maybe it's in a desk drawer.
                                                            
                       DALE
Okay, somebody find a desk.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Check over there.
                                                            
                       DALE
Where?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (pointing)
Over there.
                                                            
                       DALE
Are you pointing, Johnny?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yeah.
                                                            
                       DALE
It's pitch dark, Johnny. I can't
see anything.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Well, don't see anything over
there.
                                                            
                       DALE
Just lost some cash, Johnny.
                                                            
                       SETH
I think I found something similar
to a desk.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Does it have drawers?
                                                            

77.

                       SETH
I do believe so. It's not a
cabinet.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Maybe it's a dry sink.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
A what?
                                                            
                       DALE
Ash?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You're on your own on this one.
                                                            
                       LARSON
A dry sink. It's like a cabinet
but it has a space for a basin.
Instead of having a flat surface,
there's this kind of, how do I
explain it, like an indention.
                                                            
                       DALE
How the heck do you know what a
dry sink is?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Flea markets.
                                                            
                       SETH
That girl is ruining you, Lars.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm going to use part of my share
to buy her an engagement ring.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Seriously? Not a topic I'm
interested in right now.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Lilith likes you guys, she really
does.
                                                            
                       SETH
Okay, there is definitely no money
in this thing. Whatever it is.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Somebody just touched my butt.
                                                            

78.

                       LARSON
Are you sure?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Positive. Who touched my butt?
                                                            
                       SETH
You know, there are people in this
world who don't want to touch your
butt.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Those people are insane, because
my butt is a work of art. Chairs
thank me.
                                                            
                       SETH
I hate talking chairs.
                                                            
                       DALE
I think I found a safe!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
This is a good thing.
                                                            
                       DALE
Oh, pennies from heaven!
                                                            
                       SETH
Open it!
                                                            
Dale makes a few struggling noises.
                                                            
                       DALE
Okay, problem.
                                                            
                       SETH
We'll have to crack it.
                                                            
                       DALE
I don't know how to crack a safe.
                                                            
They all sit in a disappointed silence while Larson types
away at his machine. A solution slowly dawns on Johnny.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Larson! Google!
                                                            
                       LARSON
Pardon?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Safe-cracking.
                                                            

79.

                       LARSON
Do you realize how pathetic that
is?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yes. Now get Googling.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm not going to Google for
safecracking.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Then Ask Jeeves.
                                                            
                       SETH
Come on, Larson. We need you on
this one.
                                                            
Larson sighs and types in the search.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Hmm. How 'bout that? Safecracking.
                                                            
Dale grabs the computer.
                                                            
                       LARSON
My baby!
                                                            
                       DALE
Your baby's going to teach me how
to open a safe.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Damn, Lars, your baby is ugly.
                                                            
                       DALE
Alright, Seth, man the knob.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (kneeling down)
Knob is manned.
                                                            
                       DALE
      (reading)
Alright...thank you for your
interest in safecracking, a
long-forgotten artform...I hate
long introductions....wait, here's
something...wheel pack.
                                                            
                       SETH
What's a wheel pack?
                                                            

80.

                       LARSON
It's like a dog pack.
                                                            
                       DALE
When the knob turns, it moves the
wheels inside the lock until they
hit some sort of triggery thingy.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
That's what we want to do. Does
anyone have a stethoscope?
                                                            
                       LARSON
This really isn't the time for
playing doctor, Johnny.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
No, in the movies, the safecracker
always has a stethoscope. You have
to listen to how the wheel clicks.
                                                            
                       DALE
I'm getting to that part.
Something about contact points.
Turn the knob until you hear a
click, Seth. That will tell us
where the contact point is.
                                                            
                       SETH
Then what?
                                                            
                       DALE
Okay, now turn the knob to its
polar opposite and let it set
here. You just parked the wheel.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Parking the wheel. I feel like a
professional criminal now.
                                                            
                       SETH
A professional criminal with a
great butt.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Well, that goes without saying.
                                                            
                       DALE
Now turn the wheel slowly to the
right and listen for more clicks.
The number of clicks corresponds
to the numbers in the combination.
                                                            

81.

                       SETH
Four.
                                                            
                       DALE
Okay, now reset the lock by
turning it to the right a few
times.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Now what?
                                                            
                       DALE
Now we just have to repeat the
process going left, map out the
contact points, make a few graphs
to determine the numbers in the
combination, then try variations
of that number series until we
find the combination.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
18-40-25-10.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What makes you think that, Johnny?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
This piece of paper I found on
that table.
                                                            
                       DALE
Just now?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
A couple minutes ago.
                                                            
Seth and Dale get up and look at Johnny. Larson walks over
and takes his laptop back.
                                                            
                       SETH
You found that piece of paper
before we found the safe.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yeah.
                                                            
                       DALE
And were holding on to said piece
of paper while we were going about
the elaborate task of cracking the
said safe.
                                                            

82.

                       JOHNNY
Yes.
                                                            
                       DALE
      (taking paper)
Give me that!
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Hooray for Johnny!
                                                            
Dale opens the safe.
                                                            
                       DALE
I once was lost but now am found.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
They're so beautiful.
                                                            
                       SETH
Shush. They're sleeping.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (picking a dollar
       out of the safe)
I'm going to name this one
Jebediah.
                                                            
Seth opens his backpack and they start moving money from the
safe into the pack. While they are doing this, Ms. Clark has
entered the room to see what's happening. She doesn't make a
sound.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Alright, let's look for other
valuables. Seth, check that side
of the room.
                                                            
While the others finish putting money into the bag, Seth
starts feeling around the room. He ends up putting his hands
on Ms.Clark's chest. He stops.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Find anything, Seth?
                                                            
                       SETH
Um...yeah.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Is it treasure?
                                                            
                       SETH
You could say that.
                                                            

83.

                       MS.CLARK
Well, hello to you too.
                                                            
                       DALE
Cheese it!
                                                            
                       SETH
      (removing hands)
Ma'am.
                                                            
Everyone packs up and takes off out the front door.
                                                            
END SCENE
                                                            
 
INT. ACT 1, SCENE 5 - NIGHT
                                                            
We are back at the apartment. The lights slowly come on as
the gang sneaks in to the front room. Johnny is carrying the
backpack, and Larson has his laptop. They are feeling rather
pleased with themselves.
                                                            
                       DALE
People! People! Peeps!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (like a baby chick)
Peep, peep, peep.
                                                            
                       DALE
I think we can all agree that this
was a great victory
over...something.
                                                            
                       SETH
The aristocracy!
                                                            
                       LARSON
And boredom!
                                                            
                       DALE
And we should all be commended for
our valor and our lack of fear and
our gumption and our ingenuity and
our..valor.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Valor twice.
                                                            
                       DALE
Valor's important!
                                                            

84.

                       JOHNNY
      (still like a
       chick)
Peeeeeeeep.
                                                            
                       SETH
We all played our parts in this
drama. We all combined our talents
and did something grand.
                                                            
                       LARSON
And Seth technically got to second
base.
                                                            
                       DALE
I wouldn't count that. In this day
and age, that doesn't count for
second base.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Who died and made you umpire?
                                                            
                       LARSON
The fact remains, that we aimed
high and we scored big.
                                                            
                       DALE
And you didn't want to go capering
tonight.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I love money. I liked the gnome,
but I love money.
                                                            
                       SETH
It's pretty nice. Should we go
ahead and divvy it up tonight?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
We should at least get an accurate
count, then we can apply the ratio
tomorrow.
                                                            
                       LARSON
That's not too hard. Five-way
split into a couple thousand.
                                                            
                       SETH
I would dare say a couple hundred
thousand.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Still, easily divisible by five.
                                                            

85.

                       JOHNNY
Wait, I thought I lost some
shares.
                                                            
                       DALE
That's right, you did. I was
keeping a running tally. Up here.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Well, I thought we were splitting
evenly. Where does Johnny's runoff
go?
                                                            
                       DALE
Well, I was going to run this by
you all, but I figured since it
was my plan, then I would take the
extra that Johnny lost.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't really think that's going
to work, Dale. You said we all got
even shares. That seems to be set
in stone.
                                                            
                       DALE
I was only throwing it out as a
suggestion. We can worry about
this later, let's not..let's not
cheapen what we accomplished here.
                                                            
                       SETH
Right. You know, I'm actually a
little rundown. I don't know if I
could really take an hour or two
of counting. What say we reconvene
and finish this post-nappage?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I could go for a nap. Larson?
                                                            
                       LARSON
What?
                                                            
Johnny stares at Larson for a beat.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Oh, yeah, you can take the couch.
                                                            

86.

                       SETH
      (reaching towards
       Johnny)
Well, then I'll just take the
bag..
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Hold it.
                                                            
                       SETH
What?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You can't just take it home.
                                                            
                       SETH
Yes, I can. It's my backpack. My
name's on it.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You write your name on your
backpack?
                                                            
                       SETH
This backpack's been with me for a
while. I have an emotional
attachment. Which is why it should
come home with me.
                                                            
                       DALE
With all the money inside.
                                                            
                       SETH
Are you saying something? Because
it sounds like, and this could
just be my mistake, but it sounds
like you're saying that I can't be
trusted.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (holding backpack
       by armstrap)
Yeah, I heard that, too. I don't
think you were mistaken.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (grabbing backpack)
I'd like to think that after all
we've been through over the years,
you would know me well enough to
trust me.
                                                            

87.

                       DALE
      (grabbing bag)
You ordered candy from yourself to
win first place in the junior high
fundraising drive.
                                                            
                       SETH
I can't believe you would bring
that up!
                                                            
                       DALE
Just establishing a pattern of
criminal behavior.
                                                            
                       SETH
Criminal behavior? This heist was
your idea in the first place!
                                                            
                       DALE
Which is exactly why I should be
in charge of keeping the money.
Because this is all my idea.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (grabbing bag)
And you've already tried to steal
Johnny's money. What about equal
shares?
                                                            
                       DALE
Forget equal shares. The money
will now be awarded by merit. And
I'm in charge here, so if I were
you, I'd hold my tongue before I
talked all my money away!
                                                            
On each of the following, the speaker tries to draw the bag
towards them.
                                                            
                       SETH
It's my bag!
                                                            
                       DALE
It was my idea!
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
It was my newspaper!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
My hands stuck in the loop!
                                                            

88.

                       LARSON
      (grabbing bag)
Guys! This is stupid and useless!
There is an easy and logical way
to resolve this.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Right. Put the bag on the floor
and see who it comes to.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Let's stop and think for a moment.
Where is the safest place to keep
a bagful of money?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (after a
       thoughtful pause)
The moon.
                                                            
                       DALE
What?
                                                            
                       LARSON
You may be overthinking this,
Johnny.
                                                            
                       SETH
I'd keep it safe.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Doesn't your dad perform random
property searches?
                                                            
                       DALE
That's right. It's too risky.
                                                            
                       SETH
He hasn't done that for years.
                                                            
                       DALE
Well, then tomorrow would be the
perfect time to spring one on you.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Right. And Ashley can't keep it,
because her sister can smell
money.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
And Johnny can't keep it
because...well...because he's
Johnny.
                                                            

89.

                       JOHNNY
That is true. I am Johnny.
                                                            
                       DALE
Then I guess I'll keep it.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Actually, I was thinking I would
keep it. Since I am the only
person here who has their own
home.
                                                            
                       DALE
I don't think that's fair.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'll have Johnny here to keep me
in line.
                                                            
                       SETH
That's true.
                                                            
                       DALE
      (reaching for bag)
Let me count it, for continuity's
sake.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (pulling back)
Hey, who's the most responsible
person in this room, huh? Who's
the only one with a job?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Give it a rest, Dale. You can't
control everything.
                                                            
                       DALE
      (exasperated)
Fine. The bag stays here. Lars and
Johnny can watch over the damn
thing. I'm fine with that.
                                                            
                       SETH
You are so obviously not fine with
that.
                                                            
                       DALE
      (punching Seth in
       the arm)
Shut up.
                                                            

90.

                       SETH
Ow! You are a horrible human
being!
                                                            
Larson takes the bag over by the gnome. Lilith enters in
bathrobe.
                                                            
                       LILITH
What are you people doing here?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
We're just dropping Larson off.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
We were his designated drinkers.
                                                            
                       LILITH
And how are you getting home?
                                                            
                       SETH
You know, I'm beginning to see a
flaw in this plan.
                                                            
                       DALE
Um...taxi.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Yes. Taxi.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I was just going to crash on the
couch.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Johnny's scared of taxis.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
They're dirty and they smell like
people parts.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Can't force a guy to inhale people
part stench.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Fine. Johnny, couch. Larson, bed.
The rest of you, gone.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
That's a great robe.
                                                            

91.

Lilith stares at Ashley.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
So hey, I gotta get going.
                                                            
                       SETH
Yeah, yeah. Taxi.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (to Larson)
I'm going back to bed. You are
more than welcome to join me.
                                                            
Lilith begins to walk off stage, then stops and looks back
at Larson.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Mother is coming this weekend. I
suggest you hide your gnome.
                                                            
Lilith turns again to leave, then stops and looks at the
rest of the gang.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Good night.
                                                            
Lilith exits the stage.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Crap. The Shadow.
                                                            
                       SETH
Tough break, Lars. Hey, don't let
her touch my backpack, okay?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Alright, we'll see you tomorrow,
okay?
                                                            
                       LARSON
What? Oh, yeah. Tomorrow. Or later
today. Or whatever.
                                                            
                       DALE
Johnny, don't let Lars touch that
money, hear me?
                                                            
                       SETH
When did you become such a tough
gangster?
                                                            

92.

                       DALE
Gangsta, baby. I roll on the
streets.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (like it's cute)
You're so stupid when you're
drunk.
                                                            
Seth, Dale, and Ashley exit. Larson starts to leave in the
other direction, Johnny follows.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Did we forget where the couch is,
buddy?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I need a drink of water before I
go to bed.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Oh, that's so sweet. Do you need a
bedtime story?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You know I do.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Come on, you big lug. Let's get
you something to drink.
                                                            
Johnny exits, followed by Larson. There's a moment of peace,
then Dale sneaks back into the room and starts towards the
bag.
                                                            
                       DALE
      (mocking)
"I'm the only one with a job."
Ungrateful. Busting in there was
my idea.
                                                            
Dale stops and addresses the gnome directly.
                                                            
                       DALE
Just like you. Who scoped out the
neighborhood to find the one
perfect specimen of gnomedom? Who
mapped out the yard to ensure
efficient grabbing and dashing? It
wasn't Larson, and it sure as hell
wasn't that overbearing fashion
accessory on his arm.
                                                            

93.

Dale reaches down and picks up the bag. Just then, Larson
enters. He's walking backwards.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't care about your depth
perception, Johnny. When you spill
something, you have to clean it
up. Mop's in the closet.
                                                            
Larson spins around in time to see Dale trying to sneak out
with the money. They share an awkward pause.
                                                            
                       DALE
Hey, buddy.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I thought you were calling a taxi.
                                                            
                       DALE
I'm giving Ashley and Seth some
alone time. Let them work out
their relationship. Those crazy
kids.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I..um...I can't help but notice
you're holding the backpack there,
Dale.
                                                            
                       DALE
So I am.
                                                            
                       LARSON
And I also notice you were heading
towards the door.
                                                            
                       DALE
Well, that is an eerie
co-inky-dink.
                                                            
                       LARSON
That surely is. What exactly were
you planning?
                                                            
                       DALE
Well, I figured since the
Lilith-Mother was coming into
town, maybe it would be for the
best if I kept the money with me.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Mighty noble of you.
                                                            

94.

                       DALE
I was just going to go ahead and
divvy up the shares and all that
so you wouldn't have to worry
about a thing.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Wow, great. Did you run this plan
by Seth and Ash?
                                                            
                       DALE
Yeah.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Really?
                                                            
                       DALE
No.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Why don't you just put the bag
over by the gnome, Dale?
                                                            
                       DALE
I'm not going to do that, Lars.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Don't make me say 'please' here.
                                                            
                       DALE
Larson, would you say that our
group dynamic is founded on the
conjugation of our various roles?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm pretty sure that's an
incorrect use of the word.
                                                            
                       DALE
Regardless, we each have a certain
obligation to fulfill the role of
a certain stereotype.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I would call that
oversimplification.
                                                            
                       DALE
No, think about it. Seth is
usually the careful one and Ashley
is the smart one.
                                                            

95.

                       LARSON
Alright, I'm following you here.
Johnny is the goofy one, and
you're the ambitious one.
                                                            
                       DALE
And what role do you play, Lars?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't know, I never really
thought about it. I always kind of
pictured myself as the loveable
one.
                                                            
                       DALE
Some would say that you're the
leader.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Huh. That sort of makes sense.
                                                            
                       DALE
But why? What makes you so
important, Larson? What do you do
that no one else can do?
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (pauses)
I can roll my tongue into a
U-shape.
                                                            
                       DALE
I don't really think it's fair
that you get to play the big boss
when I'm the one with all the
ideas. If it wasn't for me, we
wouldn't even have this money.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Oh, grow up. So you don't get the
adoration you think you deserve.
Don't you believe in personal
victories, Dale? Internal rewards?
                                                            
                       DALE
Yeah, I don't follow that hippie
crap.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Fair play.
                                                            

96.

                       DALE
I should tell you right now that I
do plan on taking the bulk of this
money. I feel that since I am owed
a great deal more respect than I
have ever received, this money
will have to fill the void. I will
be awarding the rest of the money
based on a merit system I devised
earlier this evening.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Merit system?
                                                            
                       DALE
Everyone receives money equal to
their usefulness in the
acquisition of the money. I'll
give a tiny bit to Johnny for
finding the combination, and a
larger portion to Seth for
disabling the alarm system. As for
Ashley, I don't really recall her
doing anything of use during the
crime, so no money for her. And
now that I think about it, you
were a bit useless in that whole
operation as well. You get a
little bit for the laptop thing.
But that's about all I can give to
you in good conscience.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't see that happening, Dale.
The rest of us aren't going to let
you do that. We're splitting it
evenly.
                                                            
                       DALE
      (turning from
       Larson)
Well, I see this happening one of
two ways, Larson. Either you
accept that this is the way things
are going down, and take your
share of the money and keep quiet,
or you try to make a stand, and I
will systematically destroy you.
You see, Larson, I'll just pin the
crime on you, and you'll get taken
away. After all, everyone knows
that you're the leader of this
operation, right? So I would say
            (MORE)

97.

                       DALE (cont'd)
goodbye to the little lady, and by
the way, when her mother gets
here, let her know that her
apartment is a crime scene, and
that you and Lily are going to be
going far away.
                                                            
During this rant, Larson has scanned the room for some sort
of blunt object, finally settling on the gnome. He sneaks
behind Dale and raises the gnome above his head.
                                                            
                       DALE
At least you'll be able to
entertain yourself with thoughts
of Lilith in a sort of Caged Heat
situation. I'm sure that will be
comforting in its own way. Hey,
who knows, she might just like...
                                                            
The lights go out. A thud and muffled grunt are heard in the
darkness. When the lights come back on, Larson is standing
over Dale's limp body, holding the gnome.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Dammit, Dale. Dammit! This was
supposed to be so easy. You said
this would be so easy. We would
just go in, get the money, and
split it five ways. You said we'd
split it five ways, Dale! And now
look at us. Fighting over money.
What about friendship, Dale? Is a
larger cut really worth it? Look
at where we are now. I'm going to
have to repaint this gnome now.
I'm going to have to mop the
floor. I'm going to have to burn
these clothes. And the worst part
is that you're not even listening
to me, are you, Dale?
                                                            
Larson sets the gnome down and checks Dale's vital signs. He
stands back up.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (chuckling)
Wow. When it rains...
                                                            
Larson casually picks up the gnome and the bag of money and
take them back to the table.
                                                            

98.

                       LARSON
Stolen gnome, stolen money, and
now a corpse. I have had a busy
week.
                                                            
Larson walks over to Dale's body.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I should probably find some place
to put this.
                                                            
Larson scans the room. His eyes rest on the closet door.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Bingo bongo!
                                                            
Larson drags Dale over to the closet,opens the door, and
shoves him in there.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (addressing corpse)
Now, stay!
                                                            
Larson closes the door. He moves the throw rug to behind the
couch, in hopes of covering any evidence of Dale's body.
Johnny enters, toothbrush in mouth.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You brought a toothbrush?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (takes it out)
Nope.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Well, there's two things for
tomorrow's To-Do list.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
What was the first one?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Just some spring cleaning that
needs to get done.
                                                            
Larson walks past Johnny to exit.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You heading to bed?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah. I'm heading to bed.
                                                            

99.

                       JOHNNY
Me too.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Hey, Johnny? Would you say that
I'm a leader?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I'd follow you.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah, but I've seen you follow
butterflies.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I do enjoy me a good butterfly
chase.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah, well, goodnight, Johnny.
Watch out for the dead guy in the
closet.
                                                            
Johnny sits down on the couch.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Great. How can I sleep with that
on my mind?
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (first time unsure)
I don't know. I guess just try not
to think about it.
                                                            
Larson exits. Johnny looks at the closet then turns towards
the exit.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Can I sleep with you guys tonight?
                                                            
                       LARSON (O.S.)
No.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (laying down on
       couch)
I could really use that nightlight
right about now...
                                                            
END ACT 1
                                                            
 

100.

INT. ACT 2, SCENE 1 - DAY
                                                            
Johnny is sprawled out on the couch, one foot on the floor.
Lilith is feverishly dusting around the room.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Must clean everything, must clean
everything. Mother is coming, must
clean everything.
                                                            
Larson enters, eating a bag of chips. Lilith doesn't notice.
                                                            
                       LILITH
This is bad, this is very bad. I
slept too late, there's no more
time. There's no more time.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Note to self: Buy Lilith a French
Maid costume.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I know what she's going to do.
She's going to come in here and
touch everything. She can sense
dirt. And she'll say I don't
deserve this apartment if I'm not
going to take care of it.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Definitely a maid costume...
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (looking up)
Larson?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm sorry, I was lost in a
thought. When is your mother
getting here?
                                                            
                       LILITH
I don't know. Soon.
                                                            
                       LARSON
How soon?
                                                            
                       LILITH
I don't know. Why?
                                                            

101.

                       LARSON
Because I have a certain mental
image that I should really get rid
of before your mother gets here.
                                                            
Lilith looks at Larson for a beat, then checks Johnny's
watch.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (throwing duster)
You're on the clock, mister.
                                                            
Larson puts the chips on the floor next to the couch as
Lilith runs past him. He follows right behind her. Johnny
starts to wake up. He sees the chips.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Did I lose a tooth?
                                                            
He checks his mouth.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Nope. Must be Christmas.
                                                            
He picks up the bag and starts eating chips.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I always feel lonely around the
holidays.
                                                            
There's a knock at the door.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
It's a Christmas miracle!
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (outside door)
Open up!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Larson!
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (muffled offstage)
Dammit...
                                                            
Larson pokes his head out the door.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What, Johnny?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Ashley's at the door.
                                                            

102.

                       LARSON
Then let her in.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
But it's your door, Lars.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Johnny, I hereby grant you all
door opening privelages. Hurrah.
                                                            
Larson ducks back out the door. Johnny goes over and lets
Ashley in.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Door privelages? Way to be,
Johnny.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Maybe soon I'll be able to open
windows, too.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Don't get your hopes up. Where's
Lars?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Him and Lily are getting
everything ready for the Mother.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Oh. Hey, chips.
                                                            
Ashley sits down on the couch and starts eating the chips.
Johnny sits down next to her.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
So Seth totally wants me.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yeah, I know.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
It be funny if it weren't so
wrong. It's like interoffice
romance, you're just not supposed
to do it.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I don't really know what you just
said, but I'm sure I agree with
it.
                                                            

103.

                       ASHLEY
I can't help being hot.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
It's the cross you must bear.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I don't hate the guy, don't get me
wrong. He's sort of cute, I guess.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I wouldn't know.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
But it's a sort of unwritten rule
that you don't shtup someone in
your social circle. It makes
things too awkward.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
No shtupping.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Any sign of Dale today?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Oh, I'm sure he's around here
somewhere.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Maybe he's hiding in the closet.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Or in the TV.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I don't think Dale can fit in the
television, Johnny. He needs to
get over here, I'm starting to get
antsy.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
They have tropical cream for that.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Topical, Johnny. Topical cream.
And shut up.
                                                            
There's a knock at the door.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I'm on it.
                                                            

104.

Johnny gets up and opens the door. Seth walks in.
                                                            
                       SETH
Hey, Lars. Wait, Johnny opened the
door?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
He's been given privelages.
                                                            
                       SETH
I'm still not allowed to open the
door. Hey, chips.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Larson!
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (muffled, offstage)
Oh, you have to be kidding me.
                                                            
Larson pops his head onstage.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Seth.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Hey, Seth. I'll be out in a few,
alright?
                                                            
Larson ducks back out.
                                                            
                       SETH
So, are we doing the money thing
today?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I think we're waiting for Dale.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Do we have a ceremony?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I tried to come up with one, but
there really wasn't anything that
seemed appropriate.
                                                            
                       SETH
Just as long as nothing happened
to my bag.
                                                            

105.

                       JOHNNY
No, it's still by the gnome.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (checking it out)
Alright, it's still in one piece.
Hm..the gnome has a spot on it.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
We still need to have that
painting ceremony.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
We need to have a dance party.
                                                            
                       SETH
Dance party?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I've just always wanted to be
invited to a dance party.
                                                            
                       SETH
Hey, Larson? Can we have a dance
party?
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (muffled, offstage)
This is ridiculous.
                                                            
Lilith pops her head in onstage. She is wearing a bedsheet.
                                                            
                       LILITH
He's busy!
                                                            
Lilith ducks out.
                                                            
                       SETH
Was that....
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yeah.
                                                            
                       SETH
In a...
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Yeah.
                                                            
                       SETH
I am so glad I skipped lunch to
come over here.
                                                            

106.

Johnny slaps Seth on the back of the head.
                                                            
                       SETH
What was that for?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I just thought, "What would Dale
do?"
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (getting up)
That wasn't a hard enough slap to
do Dale justice. Here, let me try.
                                                            
Ashley starts to stalk Seth around the room.
                                                            
                       SETH
Leave me alone, psycho!
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I'm trying to prove a point, stand
still.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Let her hit you.
                                                            
                       SETH
No!
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
The longer you put it off, the
worse it's going to be.
                                                            
Johnny catches Seth and puts him in a full nelson.
                                                            
                       SETH
What is the purpose of this?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Aversion therapy. We're trying to
train you to associate crushing on
Lilith with crippling pain.
                                                            
                       SETH
I'm not crushing, I'm being
crushed!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (letting go)
Sorry.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
No, Johnny, it's a trick!
                                                            

107.

Seth takes off running out the front door.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
How come he never ran that fast
when he was on the track team?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
My fist is a great motivator.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You should be a coach.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I would be a great coach.
                                                            
                       SETH (O.S.)
I hate you!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
He says that, but he doesn't mean
it.
                                                            
Larson enters the front room. He is feeling rather proud of
himself until he sees that during their horseplay, the guys
have dumped chips on the floor.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Hey, chips.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (waving)
Hey, chips.
                                                            
                       LARSON
No, you guys made a mess on the
floor.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
That's what happens when you leave
us unsupervised.
                                                            
                       LARSON
It's a small price to pay. Johnny?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Present.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Go get a broom. Seth, get back in
here.
                                                            
                       SETH (O.S.)
No, I'm good.
                                                            

108.

                       LARSON
What's up with Seth?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
He's afraid of motivation.
                                                            
                       LARSON
It's okay, Seth. I won't let mean
old Ashley beat you down.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
My beatdowns are a wonder to
behold. They're like tiny Noh
dramas.
                                                            
                       SETH (O.S.)
I don't want anything to do with
you and your ancient Japanese
theater.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Just get in here.
                                                            
Seth comes in slowly.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You will feel my wrath.
                                                            
                       SETH
I've been feeling your wrath for
the better part of a decade.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You're in love with my wrath and
you know it.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Come on, kids, we have chips to
clean up. If I know Lily...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
And we all know you do...
                                                            
                       LARSON
She won't be fully active for
another minute. I need a broom and
dustpan, STAT.
                                                            
Johnny exits.
                                                            
                       SETH
Hey, shouldn't we move the gnome?
                                                            

109.

                       LARSON
Why? What's wrong with the gnome?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
For the Shadow.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Oh, right. Yeah, we should find
somewhere.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (picking up gnome)
Poor Gob. Hasn't been liberated
for more than a fortnight, and
we're already forcing him
underground again.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Do you even know how long a
fortnight is?
                                                            
                       SETH
A weekend?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
A fortnight is a period of two
weeks. It comes from an old
English term for fourteen nights.
                                                            
                       SETH
Learn something new everyday.
                                                            
                       LARSON
If you're lucky.
                                                            
                       SETH
I'm just gonna stick Gob in the
closet..
                                                            
Seth starts to carry the gnome across the room. Larson
shoots a look towards the closet door and starts to panic.
                                                            
                       LARSON
There's no room!
                                                            
                       SETH
I can make room. I was a Tetris
master.
                                                            

110.

                       LARSON
No, we don't have time to
rearrange the whole closet. Why
don't you just put the gnome back
in the bedroom?
                                                            
                       SETH
Don't think so. I don't want Gob
to see all that.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Tell me about it. I wasn't even in
the room and I feel dirty.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'll find a place for him in a
minute. Just put him back on the
table.
                                                            
                       SETH
I'm telling you, Lars, I could fit
Andre the Giant into a Geo Metro.
I'm that good.
                                                            
Larson forceably removes the gnome from Seth's hands.
                                                            
                       LARSON
And I'm telling you that I'll find
a place for him in a minute, Seth.
                                                            
Johnny comes back into the room with a broom and a frying
pan. Larson puts the gnome back in its place.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Um..Johnny?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yeah?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Dust pan.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Right back at you.
                                                            
                       SETH
Dude, that's a new low.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
A dust pan is not the same thing
as a frying pan. I know they both
have pan in the name, but
sometimes that doesn't mean much.
                                                            

111.

                       JOHNNY
Pan.
                                                            
                       SETH
Frying pan.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (pause)
But....pan.
                                                            
                       SETH
What goes on in that head of
yours, Johnny?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Apparently right now they're
taking a cooking class.
                                                            
Lilith enters.
                                                            
                       LILITH
What are you doing with the
cookware?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Broom and pan.
                                                            
                       LARSON
We are witnessing the Johnny
moment to end all Johnny moments.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You would think that by now,
nothing he did would surprise me.
                                                            
                       SETH
I will fetch the appropriate
recepticle.
                                                            
Seth takes the frying pan and exits.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Why do we need a recepticle?
                                                            
Larson points at the mess as he takes the broom out of
Johnny's hands.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Hey!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Chips.
                                                            

112.

                       LARSON
We left the children unattended
for a moment.
                                                            
Larson starts sweeping up the chips.
                                                            
                       LILITH
What were you doing?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I was trying to hit Seth.
                                                            
                       LILITH
You were throwing chips at Seth?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
No, I was going to punch him.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Why?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Because he has a crush on you.
                                                            
                       LILITH
What?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Yeah.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Really?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Totally.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Why?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Because you're the greatest girl
ever. Duh.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
It doesn't really mean anything.
He has crushes on just about every
girl.
                                                            
Seth returns with the dustpan. Everyone turns and looks at
him.
                                                            
                       SETH
Um..pan?
                                                            

113.

                       LARSON
Awkward.
                                                            
Lilith takes the pan out of Seth's hands.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (sultry)
Thank you, Seth. I really
appreciate your help.
                                                            
Lilith goes over to help clean up the chips. She makes point
to keep her butt in Seth's view while bending down.
                                                            
                       SETH
You told her.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I wish you would have told me
earlier, Seth. I always thought
you were cute. We could have run
away together.
                                                            
                       SETH
Why can't we run away now?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Well, I have to be here when
mother comes.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
And Seth strikes out hard.
                                                            
                       SETH
I will not attend any of your
funerals.
                                                            
Lilith stands up, dust pan full of chips. She starts towards
the door.
                                                            
                       LILITH
It's okay, Seth. It's sort of like
being paid a compliment. A really,
really creepy compliment.
                                                            
There's a knock at the door.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Lilith, dear?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Crap, she's early!
                                                            

114.

                       EDNA (O.S.)
Lilith?
                                                            
                       SETH
Gnome!
                                                            
                       LARSON
We'll just tell her it's
decorative.
                                                            
                       EDNA (O.S.)
Dear? This bag is very heavy.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Door opener to the rescuer!
                                                            
                       LILITH
Johnny can open the door now?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I had to grant him the power when
I was otherwise occupied. You were
there.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Oh, yeah.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (pointing to
       dustpan)
Hey...
                                                            
                       LILITH
Chips!
                                                            
Lilith hands the dustpan over to Ashley and wipes off her
hands on her legs while Johnny opens the door. EDNA enters
with a small travel bag. She stares at Johnny for a moment.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Who are you?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Johnny.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Oh.
                                                            
Ashley dumps the dustpan back into the bag of chips. No one
notices.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Can I take your bag, Edna?
                                                            

115.

                       EDNA
Just a moment.
                                                            
Edna opens the bag and rummages through it for a moment.
                                                            
                       EDNA

Hairbrush...lipstick...checkbook...five
checks left...forty six
dollars...thirty cents...okay,
here you go.
                                                            
She hands the bag to Larson.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Glad we're building trust here.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Where's my baby?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Hi, Mom.
                                                            
They hug.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
That's so sweet.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Um..mother?
                                                            
                       EDNA
Yes, dear?
                                                            
                       LILITH
You're crushing me.
                                                            
They stop hugging.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (putting bag down
       by gnome)
So what brings you by, Edna?
                                                            
Edna starts inspecting Lilith's arm.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Can't a mother come by and see how
her daughter is doing?
                                                            
                       LILITH
I'm fine.
                                                            

116.

                       EDNA
I worry about you, dear.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I know.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Out in the big city, all alone.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I have Larson with me.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Well, thank God for small favors.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Woo, somebody open a window. The
condenscension is getting to me.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Sorry, I don't have clearance to
open windows.
                                                            
                       EDNA
How is the office, Larson? Well, I
suppose you would have to be in
the office to know...
                                                            
                       LARSON
Hey, I'm in the office. Then I'm
down in the mailroom. Then I'm at
the cafe on 3rd street. But then,
I'm back at the office. Because
they need their afternoon lattes.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Well, I'm sure you're only five or
ten years away from an actual
career.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson's taking online classes.
                                                            
                       EDNA
They offer office-boy refresher
courses?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
He's learning about computers.
                                                            
                       SETH
He's going to be raking in huge
money. Someday.
                                                            

117.

                       EDNA
That's great. It almost makes up
for the three years of leeching
off of my daughter.
                                                            
There's an awkward silence.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (spiteful)
Would you care for some chips,
Edna?
                                                            
                       EDNA
No thank you.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Are you sure? They're great.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Is that how you've gone about
fattening up my daughter?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Fattening me up?
                                                            
                       EDNA
It's not your fault, dear. I've
read that stress causes fat to
accumulate more rapidly. And you
must be so stressed having to take
care of your boyfriend and his
fellow moochers.
                                                            
                       SETH
Moochers, I say we wait outside
for a while.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Good idea. I'm choking on a little
bit of hate.
                                                            
Seth and Ashley walk out of the room, stopping to grab
Johnny and drag him out with them.
                                                            
                       LARSON
And I'm going to get the chips out
of everyone's sight before we all
end up fat.
                                                            
Larson takes the bag of chips and goes into the kitchen.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Oh, that man.
                                                            

118.

                       LILITH
I'm surprised, Mother. You're
usually able to at least pretend
to be human for the first hour or
so.
                                                            
                       EDNA
I'm sorry, dear. It's just..I
worry about you, and I want to
know that you'll be provided for
when I'm..
                                                            
                       LILITH
Oh, god..are you dying?
                                                            
                       EDNA
No, no. Your mother isn't going
anywhere just yet.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson is a great guy. And after
he finishes these courses, we're
going to turn our lives around.
And you can finally take your name
off of the rental contract.
                                                            
                       EDNA
I need some fresh air.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Alright, we'll walk down to that
grocery store you like. The one
with the ethnic checkout boys.
                                                            
                       EDNA
I'll grab my bag.
                                                            
Edna walks over and grabs her bag. She stops and looks at
the gnome.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Where did this come from?
                                                            
                       LILITH
It's for the holidays.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Which holiday, dear?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Whichever one's closest.
                                                            
Lilith holds the door open for her mother.
                                                            

119.

                       LILITH
Larson! We're going for a walk!
                                                            
                       LARSON (O.S.)
Alright, I'll just stay here and
figure out new ways to mooch off
of you.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Love you.
                                                            
Lilith closes the door. After a pause, Seth enters and grabs
the gnome.
                                                            
                       SETH
I will make this thing fit. I have
to make this thing fit. My
reputation depends on it.
                                                            
Seth opens the closet, sees Dale, and closes the door. He
calmly places the gnome on the couch. He walks back to the
closet and opens it again. Dale almost falls out. Seth
pushes him back in and closes it again. Lilith and Larson
both re-enter.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Mother won't let me leave without
the whistle.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Need the tazer, too?
                                                            
They share a quick peck as they pass by each other.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I think the whistle will be
sufficient.
                                                            
Lilith exits.
                                                            
                       SETH
Hey, Larson?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah?
                                                            
                       SETH
There's a...there's a body in your
closet.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Body?
                                                            

120.

                       SETH
Dead one. A dead body.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Dead body, dead body...oh, right,
the dead body. Thanks for
reminding me.
                                                            
                       SETH
What is he doing in the closet?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Nothing. He's dead.
                                                            
                       SETH
Why is there a body in the closet?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm not keeping him there. I've
just been real busy this morning.
                                                            
                       SETH
What are you going to do with it?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't know. Maybe put a funny
hat on him.
                                                            
                       SETH
A hat?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Maybe put some shades on him and
drive around town. You know, like
Weekend at Bernie's.
                                                            
                       SETH
I hated Weekend at Bernie's.
                                                            
                       LARSON
How do you feel about Weekend at
Bernie's 2?
                                                            
Seth opens the closet again.
                                                            
                       SETH
I'm pretty sure I know that guy.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah, it's Dale.
                                                            

121.

                       SETH
      (shocked)
What?
                                                            
Lilith enters the room. The guys slam the door shut and
stand in front of it.
                                                            
                       LILITH
You boys look like you have some
sort of dirty little secret.
                                                            
                       SETH
We don't want you to see...the
stuff.. for your surprise party.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Surprise party?
                                                            
                       SETH
For your birthday.
                                                            
                       LILITH
But my birthday isn't for five
months.
                                                            
                       SETH
That's part of the suprise.
                                                            
                       LARSON
But you can't peek, alright?
Because it's a surprise.
                                                            
                       SETH
For a party.
                                                            
                       LARSON
For you.
                                                            
                       SETH
For your birthday.
                                                            
                       LARSON
That's occuring at a later date.
                                                            
                       SETH
Yeah.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (exiting)
You guys are so sweet. Okay, I'll
leave you alone. But the suspense
is going to kill me.
                                                            

122.

                       LARSON
Great. Now I have to start
planning a surprise party.
                                                            
                       SETH
Why did you kill Dale?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Why did you wear that shirt this
morning?
                                                            
                       SETH
Well, I thought it went well with
my eyes.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Stand back.
                                                            
Seth takes a step back and Larson checks him out for a
moment.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Okay, yeah, I can see that. Yeah,
that's a really good color for
you.
                                                            
                       SETH
I thought so...wait...Dale!
                                                            
                       LARSON
He wanted to steal the money. I
caught him last night trying to
sneak off with the bag. Where were
you and Ashley?
                                                            
                       SETH
Smoke break.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You don't smoke!
                                                            
                       SETH
Not technically.
                                                            
                       LARSON
It begs the question: is cancer a
small price to pay for nookie?
                                                            
                       SETH
It wasn't even close to nookie.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Okay, that's a little pathetic.
                                                            

123.

                       SETH
Stop changing subjects! Dale!
                                                            
                       LARSON
Dead. Ashley?
                                                            
                       SETH
Alright, I admit it, I have a
silly little boy-crush on Ashley.
What are we doing with the body?
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (shrugs)
Dumping it.
                                                            
                       SETH
Where?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Dunno.
                                                            
                       SETH
So he was trying to steal my bag?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I swear. I saw him with the bag in
hand, and he said that he was
going to take the money to
compensate for his low self-worth.
                                                            
                       SETH
So you killed him?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Not on purpose. I just wanted to
knock him out. I guess the gnome's
a little bit more heavy than I had
originally thought.
                                                            
                       SETH
You beat him with the gnome?
                                                            
                       LARSON
It was close. I was improvising.
                                                            
Larson picks up the gnome and takes it back over to the
table.
                                                            
                       SETH
This isn't right, man. This
just...this just isn't right.
                                                            

124.

                       LARSON
      (forceful)
You think I don't know that, Seth?
You think I like having my dead
friend's body in the closet? I
didn't mean to kill him, but I
did. And I really need to know
that you're not going to wig out
and rat, Seth.
                                                            
                       SETH
I don't rat. I won't rat.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm serious on this, Seth. I need
some time to fix this, and you
have to be my wingman. Are you my
wingman, Seth?
                                                            
                       SETH
I don't think that term applies to
this situation.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Are you my wingman?
                                                            
                       SETH
Yes!
                                                            
Larson suddenly embraces Seth.
                                                            
                       LARSON
That's my boy.
                                                            
                       SETH
Um...Lars?
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (cradling Seth's
       head)
Shush...it's all going to be okay.
                                                            
Larson starts singing a soothing tune on an 'Ah'.
                                                            
                       SETH
You have no idea how uncomfortable
I am with this.
                                                            
Johnny enters.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Oh, man, Larson! You should have
been outside, there was this bird
            (MORE)

125.

                       JOHNNY (cont'd)
and it was totally attacking this
old woman and...
                                                            
Johnny sees that Larson is hugging Seth. There's a long,
awkward silence.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I'll just...I'll tell you later..
                                                            
Johnny slowly backs out of the room.
                                                            
END SCENE
                                                            
 
INT. ACT 2, SCENE 2 - DAY
                                                            
We open up in the office of Detective Lawrence. It is a
simple setup, similar to an old film-noir set. A desk is in
the middle of the stage with assorted trinkets and pictures.
There is a bookcase on the side and maybe a small table.
OFFICER JOHNSON is sitting in a chair at the desk, reading a
sleazy pulp novel.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Don't open that door, lady.
There's a man with a gun in there.
      (turns page)
And now you've been
pistol-whipped. Congrats.
                                                            
DETECTIVE LAWRENCE enters the scene. Officer Johnson does
not notice the detective at first.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
And....car chase!
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Can I help you?
                                                            
Officer Johnson leaps out of the chair.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
I didn't hear you come in.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
You weren't supposed to.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
You're the Detective?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Bingo, bongo, give the man a
prize.
                                                            

126.

                       POLICE OFFICER
I'm Officer Johnson. I've been
assigned to this case by the
department.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Right. I remember that. Hold your
hands up.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Why?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Hold your hands up.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
I don't know why...
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
      (forceful)
This is going to be a long
investigation if we don't learn to
trust each other, Officer Johnson,
now hold up your hands.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
      (holding up hands)
There, hands up.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Good. Now put them back down.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
      (hands down)
Why did I have to...
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Trust. When your hands are up, you
leave your body vulnerable to
attack. Also, you have restricted
access to your gun. You have to
trust me enough to know that I
won't take a shot at you while
you're in that position. And I
have to trust you enough to know
that you'd put yourself into that
position if I asked.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Huh.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
And I was checking something else.
                                                            

127.

                       POLICE OFFICER
What?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Your fly is open.
                                                            
Officer Johnson turns around quickly to fix the problem.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
So, you're here to keep tabs on me
for your superiors?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
I really don't know, Detective...
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Lawrence.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Detective Lawrence. I'm just sort
of here to act as the liaison for
the department.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
They want you to keep an eye on
me. They say I'm...dangerous.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
I haven't heard anybody say that.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
They say I'm a loose cannon. That
I was kicked off the force for
stepping over the line a few too
many times.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Again, never heard that.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Maybe they're right. Maybe I did
lose sight of why I became a cop.
And now look at me. A hired gun,
selling my services to any Tom,
Dick, or Harry who has a dirty
deed to be done.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Do you need a moment? Or some
water? Breath mint? I got breath
mints, citrus-flavored and
everything.
                                                            

128.

                       DETECTIVE
Have you ever shot a man, Johnson?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Not a real man.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
You're still young. There's plenty
of time.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
I'm sure there is.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
So, what does the department want
me to know?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Well, we received a call from Ms.
Clark at approximately 9:15 am on
Sunday morning. A full
investigation of the house was
underway well before 10 am of that
same morning. We found that the
house's electrical system was
tampered with, probably in an
attempt to knock out the security
system.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Bagels.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Bagels, Detective Lawrence?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
I forgot to put bagels on my
grocery list this morning. I was
simply making a mental note.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Okay. The lock on the door was
picked, but we don't think it was
a professional job.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Of course it wasn't a professional
job.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
The safe was opened without
violence.
                                                            

129.

                       DETECTIVE
Did anyone on the department speak
with Ms. Clark?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
She called us tools of the state
and kicked Officer Mitchum in the
ankle.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Saucy.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
We collected a few fingerprints
but as of this morning, there were
no positive IDs.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
What about other evidence?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
There was no...to my knowledge,
there was no other evidence found
that morning.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
So what do you make of the case,
Johnson?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
      (sitting in chair)
To be honest, Detective Lawrence,
I am not too shaken by it. This is
a woman who doesn't really need
this money, has a flimsy claim to
this money, and while it is
unfortunate, I think she will
survive.
                                                            
Detective Lawrence nods silently for a moment, then picks up
a photo of the desk and holds it in Officer Johnson's face.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Look at this picture.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
I see the picture.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
No, look at the picture.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
I'm looking.
                                                            

130.

                       DETECTIVE
Really look at it.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
No, I am.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Really.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
I'm, look, see me looking?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Look at it.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
I am so looking at it.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Look.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
I'm looking at it so hard,
that...that I can feel my
eyestalks withering.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
What do you see?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
People. I see people. I see happy,
jolly, shiny, happy people.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
How many?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
I see three..four..three people.
Four. Three and a half people.
Does the baby count?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Yes.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Four people.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
What else do you see?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
That's it. I see four people. Four
happy people.
                                                            

131.

                       DETECTIVE
What else?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
That's all.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
What else do you see?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
I don't see anything!
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Look harder!
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Is this one of those 3-D pictures?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Look!
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
I am!
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Harder! Look!
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
I don't know what you want.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Look!
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
I can't...
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Look!
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
I don't...
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Look!
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
      (emotional)
I am looking and I told you what I
see and now you're yelling at me
and...
                                                            

132.

                       DETECTIVE
      (yelling)
I am not yelling! LOOK!
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
I see a family of four at the
beach, they're on summer vacation,
the mother badly needs to redye
her hair, the father's trunks are
a size too small, the son's hiding
a firecracker behind his back, and
that baby desperately needs
sunscreen and a hat if she's going
to be out in that heat.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
One more thing...
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
The father...has your eyes.
                                                            
Detective Lawrence walks over to the edge of the office,
looking at the picture.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
You got a family, Johnson?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
No.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Got a woman?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Yeah, yes, she's, no, she's great,
she's wonderful. Pretty, and,
yeah, she's great.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Love her?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
No. No, not really. But she helps
with the rent, and, really, she's
just my roommate. That I
occasionally sleep with.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
I see.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Why does that matter?
                                                            

133.

                       DETECTIVE
Because it's all about family,
Johnson. This case is important
because of family. It doesn't
matter if she earned that money,
or needed that money, or even if
she wanted that money, it was her
inheritance. It was her family
legacy. I know that if some
peon...
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Peon?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Put their hands on the money I
wanted my grandchildren to have, I
would hope that they would be
hunted down and persecuted to the
fullest extent of the law.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Prosecuted.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Come again?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
You said persecuted.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
So?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
The law prosecutes. Persecuting is
bad.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
It is?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Yes. You shouldn't persecute the
peons.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Now that's just crazy talk.
                                                            
Ms. Clark enters.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Ma'am.
                                                            

134.

                       MS.CLARK
What?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Hello?
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
Oh, I'm sorry. That's just...I
thought you were going to tell me
my hair was on fire.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Your..hair?
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
Yes, the last time anyone called
me ma'am, they were pointing out
that my hair was on hair.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Does your hair often catch on
fire, Ms. Clark?
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
Not so much recently.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Ms. Clark, this is Officer
Johnson. He's my liaison to the
police department.
                                                            
Ms. Clark kicks Officer Johnson in the ankle.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
      (stinging)
Why would you do that?
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
Force of habit. I was part of a
lot of unlawful assemblies.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
That's going to bruise. I can
already feel it bruising.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Ms. Clark, I appreciate your
coming down on such short notice.
There are a few questions I need
answered.
                                                            

135.

                       MS.CLARK
It's no trouble. I just want this
dealt with as quickly as possible.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
That's why I'm here. Well, that
and an unfortunate accident that
cost me my badge. And cost my
partner his life.
                                                            
Detective Lawrence is overcome by memories and throws his
head back and screams.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Laurencio!
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
      (still rubbing
       ankle)
What kind of shoes are you
wearing?
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
      (sitting down)
I never met my father. My mother
didn't even keep pictures of him.
This money, it's the only thing I
have that reminds me of him.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
See, Johnson? It's all about
family.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
      (trying to walk it
       off)
Yeah, I think she hit bone on that
one.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
      (grabbing paper)
Ms. Clark, I need you to tell me
everything you remember about that
night.
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
I was asleep in my room. My new
room. I'm still getting used to
having so much free space. I'm
thinking about putting in hanging
plants. Everywhere, just hanging
plants in every room.
                                                            

136.

                       DETECTIVE
      (writing)
Hanging plants.
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
And it was nearly one in the
morning, I would say. I don't have
clocks in the house, but my
internal clock is pretty finely
tuned.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
You don't have any clocks?
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
The only thing a clock tells you
is how much time you don't have.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
We have one of those atomic
clocks. Most accurate in the
world.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
I've been meaning to get one of
those for the office.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
They're not too expensive anymore.
They pretty much cost the same as
any other clock.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Well, it's never been a question
of price, I just haven't gotten
around to getting one yet. You
don't actively shop for clocks.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
I'll get you one for Christmas.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Cool, cool. Ms. Clark, you were
saying?
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
It was about one in the morning,
and I heard noises downstairs.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
What kind of noises?
                                                            

137.

                       MS.CLARK
It sounded like giant squirrels.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Giant squirrels?
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
Yes.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Could you elaborate on that?
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
No.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
This is going to be a long
night...
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
It's three in the afternoon.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
This is going to be a long three
in the afternoon...
                                                            
END SCENE
                                                            
 
INT. ACT 2, SCENE 3 - DAY
                                                            
Johnny is sitting alone on the couch, remote control in
hand. He is mesmerized by whatever he is watching. He slowly
turns off the 'television'.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Huh.
                                                            
Seth enters from the kitchen, eyeing the closet nervously.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Hey, Seth?
                                                            
                       SETH
What?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
What is the nature of human
existence?
                                                            
                       SETH
The...what?
                                                            

138.

                       JOHNNY
Are we inheritantly evil or
inheritantly good?
                                                            
Seth stares at Johnny for a moment, then walks back into the
kitchen.
                                                            
                       SETH
We're trying this again.
                                                            
Seth enters the room again.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Hey, Seth?
                                                            
                       SETH
Yes?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Was the color orange invented
before the fruit?
                                                            
                       SETH
That's a little bit better.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (after a pause)
Have you excepted Jesus Christ as
your personal Lord and Savior?
                                                            
                       SETH
      (another pause)
Is it Jesus week on the History
channel again?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
It sort of puts things in a
different perspective, when you
think of the idea of some
overarching moral platitude that
governs all the world.
                                                            
                       SETH
I would be freaked out if I
thought you knew what you were
saying.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
What if all of our actions have to
be accounted for?
                                                            
                       SETH
Dunno.
                                                            

139.

                       JOHNNY
This will be keeping me up at
night.
                                                            
Ashley enters from the kitchen.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
What will?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
The moral and ethical implications
of my every thought and movement.
                                                            
                       SETH
Johnny is apparently finding the
Lord.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I still have trouble finding
Waldo.
                                                            
Larson, Lilith, and Edna enter from the hallway.
                                                            
                       LARSON
No, Edna, really, I want to hear
more about your surgery. And
please, use sound effects.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson...
                                                            
                       EDNA
Too bad there aren't any want ads
asking for you to bring your own
sarcasm.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Mother...
                                                            
                       EDNA
      (to Larson)
I don't suppose you've learned how
to cook anything in the past three
years?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson is a wonderful cook,
mother.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Are you trying to say you're
hungry? Is that it, girl? Or is
Timmy still in the well?
                                                            

140.

                       EDNA
It is just about dinner time.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Then please, make yourself
comfortable. I'll get right to
work. I don't suppose you have any
fatal allergies?
                                                            
                       LILITH
We didn't really get a chance to
go grocery shopping this week...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
He fed them all with five loaves
and two fishes.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
The plural of fish is fish.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Loaves and fishes?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
The plural of fish is fish.
                                                            
                       SETH
Johnny's found Jesus.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (exiting)
I didn't know he was hiding. Does
that mean he's it now?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I don't appreciate you mocking my
beliefs.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (to Johnny)
What's an apostle?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (drawing a blank)
Someone who likes fishes?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Fish! It's fish! For the love of
Christ!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (hugging Ashley)
A fellow believer!
                                                            

141.

Larson peeks back in on the room.
                                                            
                       LARSON
A little help in here?
                                                            
                       LILITH
I'll see what's left in the
pantry.
                                                            
                       SETH
I'll preheat the oven.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I'll gather the recipe books.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Do you need my help?
                                                            
Larson, Lilith, Seth, and Ashley look between each other,
back at Johnny, and beat a hasty retreat into the kitchen.
Johnny and Edna share an awkward silence.
                                                            
                       EDNA
So which denomination are you?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Oh, I'm a Gemini.
                                                            
                       EDNA
I see.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (long pause)
Are our souls immortal?
                                                            
                       EDNA
I like to believe so. That's why I
always strive to behave in a civil
matter at all times.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
What if we do bad things?
                                                            
                       EDNA
Well, when you commit a sin...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Ashley?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY (OS)
Sin. A transgression against an
ethical, moral, or religious
edict.
                                                            

142.

                       EDNA
Sins, like idolatry, adultery,
murder, blasphemy, theft...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Theft?
                                                            
                       EDNA
Oh yes. That's one of the
commandments: Thou shalt not
steal.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
What if they didn't really need
it?
                                                            
                       EDNA
It does not matter if they need it
or not, Mister Jonathon. Stealing
is wrong.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Are there degrees?
                                                            
                       EDNA
Well, I would suppose so. The more
you steal, the more you sin.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
How can I save my soul?
                                                            
                       EDNA
My dear, you only need to confess.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Confess?
                                                            
                       EDNA
If you are truly sorry, your sins
will be pardoned when you confess
them.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
A confession.
                                                            
Larson enters from the kitchen. He bows.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Dinner is served.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Thank you. And remember Jonathon:
Confession cleans the soul.
                                                            

143.

Edna exits. Larson looks at Johnny.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What was that all about?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I'm going to confess.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Really?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Theft is a sin, Larson. Not just a
sin. It's one of the big ones.
It's on a list and everything.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Johnny, confession is a sacrament.
It's talking to a priest.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Well, I don't know any priests. So
I'm going to confess to the
police.
                                                            
                       LARSON
But the problem with that, you see
Johnny, is that there are four of
us.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Five. You're forgetting Dale.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Whatever. See, if you confess, we
all get in trouble.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Then we should all confess.
                                                            
                       LARSON
A noble idea, but again, you're
mistaking the policeman with a
priest. See, if you confess to a
priest, then you get a clean soul,
right? But if you confess to the
police, you get thrown in jail.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (laying down)
I don't care, Lars. All I want is
to be welcomed into the next
world.
                                                            

144.

                       LARSON
Really?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Now that I've found religion, I am
no longer afraid to die.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (picking up pillow)
You sure about that?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yep. This is the happiest day of
my life. Larson?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah, Johnny?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
I love you.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You love me like I love Lily, or
you love me like I love the White
Stripes?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
White Stripes.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Oh. Then I love you too, buddy.
                                                            
Larson leaps over the back of the couch to place the pillow
on Johnny's face. The lights go out while we hear the sounds
of struggle. When they come back up, Larson is on the
ground, very winded. The pillow is over Johnny, who is
motionless.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Wow, that looks so much easier in
the movies.
                                                            
Suddenly, Seth enters.
                                                            
                       SETH
Hey, are you guys going to come in
and eat?
                                                            
                       LARSON
No, we're good.
                                                            

145.

                       SETH
      (pause)
You didn't.
                                                            
                       LARSON
He was going to turn us in, Seth.
                                                            
                       SETH
So you smothered him with a
pillow?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm resourceful.
                                                            
                       SETH
This is not a good trend.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I just want to interject that if
Johnny confessed, you, me, Ashley,
and Lilith would be following him
to jail.
                                                            
                       SETH
I see your point, and I respect
your opinion. But I don't respect
your decision.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Could you give me hand here? We
can't exactly leave him on the
couch.
                                                            
                       SETH
You want me to...touch dead
Johnny?
                                                            
                       LARSON
You know what they say, Seth.
Friends help you move furniture.
But real friends help you move
bodies.
                                                            
                       SETH
Who says these things?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Come on,I have an idea.
                                                            
The lights go out again. Johnny sneaks offstage. We can hear
the following dialogue.
                                                            

146.

                       SETH
This is really bad.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Well, you got to lift with your
legs.
                                                            
                       SETH
Not the lifting, the whole dead
Johnny thing.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Would you prefer the incarcerated
Seth thing?
                                                            
                       SETH
No, but still...it's not right.
                                                            
The lights come back up. Seth and Larson are sitting on the
couch.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You can hardly notice.
                                                            
                       SETH
I think I might be sick.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Don't blame me, you helped make
dinner.
                                                            
                       SETH
We will have to burn this couch.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Lilith did want to get some new
furniture...
                                                            
                       SETH
I want you to promise that this
was your last murder.
                                                            
                       LARSON
We both know that I can't do that.
                                                            
                       SETH
I'm getting off this couch now.
                                                            

147.

                       LARSON
      (stretching out)
Actually, I think it's even a
little bit more comfortable now. I
think because it has a more
lived-in feel to it.
                                                            
                       SETH
Do you mean died-in?
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (short beat)
I don't think so.
                                                            
Lilith enters.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Aren't you two going to eat?
                                                            
                       SETH
I've sort of lost my appetite.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I am feeling rather famished.
                                                            
Larson starts to exit, then turns back to Seth.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Don't hit on my girlfriend.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Or Larson might have to kill you.
                                                            
Seth fakes laughter, then starts sobbing. Larson pecks
Lilith on the cheek then exits.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (sitting on couch)
Hmm, does the couch feel lumpier
to you?
                                                            
                       SETH
Why would the couch be lumpier?
It's the same couch as it was
before, same as it ever was, same
as it ever was.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I suppose.
                                                            

148.

                       SETH
I mean, how does a couch suddenly
gain lumps? Not like we're hiding
anything in there. Who hides
things in a couch?
                                                            
                       LILITH
A valid argument.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (going towards
       exit)
Wow, you know what? I really need
to use the restroom. I have such a
need to vomit right now, and I
need to use the restroom.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Okay. Seth?
                                                            
                       SETH
Yes?
                                                            
                       LILITH
What are you hiding under the
couch?
                                                            
                       SETH
Johnny.
                                                            
Long pause.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (exiting)
Must vomit.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Johnny?
                                                            
Lilith looks under the couch.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (calmly)
Oh, Johnny.
                                                            
Lilith walks over to the door.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Honey? Might I speak to you for a
moment?
                                                            
Lilith calmly sits on the couch as Larson enters.
                                                            

149.

                       LARSON
Yes, dear?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Where did Johnny go?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Jogging. He went out jogging. He
found Jesus this morning, and now
he's out jogging. Jogging for
Jesus.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Really? Because I just saw Johnny.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (short pause)
You looked under the couch, didn't
you?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Yes.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Do you want me to explain?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Yes.
                                                            
                       LARSON
We stole some money. It was Dale's
idea.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Where is Dale?
                                                            
                       LARSON
He's dead, too. But that one was
an accident.
                                                            
                       LILITH
An accident?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Well, I hit him.
                                                            
                       LILITH
And he died?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah. I hit him with the gnome.
It's heavier than it looks.
                                                            

150.

                       LILITH
The gnome?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I was improvising. Dale was trying
to steal the money.
                                                            
                       LILITH
The stolen money.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Right.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I really don't know what we're
supposed to do about this.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah, I don't really have any
ideas.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Was Johnny an accident,too?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Not really. Edna told him to
confess.
                                                            
                       LILITH
So one was an accident, and one
was Mother's fault.
                                                            
                       LARSON
That's the way I'm seeing things.
                                                            
                       LILITH
That won't really keep you out of
jail, though. What are you going
to do now?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Well, first, I was going to finish
my dinner.
                                                            
Larson exits. Lilith sits on the couch in silence for a
moment. Then she screams. Edna enters.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Oh, what is the matter, honey?
                                                            
                       LILITH
I just saw a mouse.
                                                            

151.

                       EDNA
Vermin are attracted to filth. I
blame the man. You remember. The
one who can't provide for you?
                                                            
                       LILITH
There's more to Lars than you
think, mother.
                                                            
                       EDNA
I'm sure there is. All sorts of
things like satanism and
carjacking, I'm sure.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Mother, you do know that
everything you say is ridiculous,
right?
                                                            
                       EDNA
Everything everbody says is
ridiculous, honey. That's what
makes life so interesting.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Mother, Larson and I are going to
get married.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Larson!
                                                            
Larson enters holding a plate and fork.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (mumbling)
Brother just wants something to
eat...
                                                            
                       EDNA
Have you proposed to my daughter?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Like, officially?
                                                            
                       EDNA
Yes.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Not officially.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson's told me he's saving up
for a great engagement ring.
                                                            

152.

                       EDNA
Saving up?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm pretty close. I think.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Well, I look forward to seeing it
in another three years.
                                                            
                       LARSON
See, that right there? That was
harsh.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (rising)
Mother, how about some dessert?
                                                            
Lilith pushes Edna out of the room. Larson sits on the
couch. Seth enters, unseen.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Okay, Lars, let's run through
this. You have several thousand
dollars of somebody else's money
sitting in your living room.
There's one dead guy in the
closet, another under your butt.
Your best friend since childhood
is turning on you...
                                                            
Larson stands up. Seth looks around for a place to hide and,
in a panic, takes the shade off of the lamp and puts it over
his head. Larson doesn't seem to notice him.
                                                            
                       LARSON
And let us not forget the battle
axe in the other room. Seriously,
how can a great girl have such a
harpy of a mother? And to make
matters worse, you're really
hungry.
                                                            
Larson starts to exit.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I think my blood sugar is getting
low. I feel grumpy.
                                                            
Larson exits and Seth slowly takes the shade off. But Larson
quickly reenters and Seth puts it back on.
                                                            

153.

                       LARSON
And it's not like I'm a bad guy.
I'm just doing my best to get
through a wierd situation. There
was never a
'what-to-do-when-you-kill-a-friend'
song on Sesame Street. But the
single worst thing of all? The
deepest wound? My best friend
either thinks that I'm stupid or
that we've somehow been
transported into a Chuck Jones
cartoon.
                                                            
Larson turns toward Seth, who sheepishly pulls off the
shade.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (laughing
       nervously)
Umm...what's up doc?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Not too much. If you would
kindly..?
                                                            
Seth puts the shade back on the lamp.
                                                            
                       SETH
I didn't mean to eavesdrop.
                                                            
                       LARSON
That's okay.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (short pause)
Please don't kill me.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Okay. But only because you asked
so nicely.
                                                            
                       SETH
Thank you.
      (pause)
I'm going to get some fresh air.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Are you feeling alright?
                                                            
                       SETH
I just threw up.
                                                            

154.

                       LARSON
      (inspecting lamp)
Like, right now?
                                                            
                       SETH
In the bathroom. I threw up in the
bathroom, and now I need fresh
air.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't want you going out there
if you're sick...Lilith!
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (entering)
What?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I think Seth's coming down with
something. Does he feel hot to
you?
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (hand on Seth's
       head)
Hmm. He does. And he looks a
little bit flushed. Could you go
get the thermometer?
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (exiting)
Don't you die on me, Seth!
                                                            
                       SETH
Have to leave...
                                                            
                       LILITH
Babe, you're burning alive. What's
wrong?
                                                            
                       SETH
Something you need to know about
Lars. He's...
                                                            
                       LILITH
Killed Johnny and Dale. Open your
mouth, I need to see if your
glands are swollen.
                                                            
                       SETH
You know?
                                                            

155.

As he says this, Lilith puts her finger on his bottom jaw
and holds it down. She looks into his mouth.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I don't see any inflammation.
There's a little bit of
discoloration in the back there,
though...
                                                            
                       SETH
      (mouth open)
We have to get out of here...
                                                            
                       LILITH
Honey, you know I can't understand
anything just said.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (pulling back)
Your boyfriend has gone insane,
and all of our lives are in danger
if we stay in this apartment. Just
leave the money in the bag and run
away from here.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Money in the bag?
                                                            
                       SETH
All the money from the heist is in
that backpack.
                                                            
                       LILITH
The one with your name on it?
                                                            
                       SETH
I've had it for a while.
                                                            
                       LILITH
And all the money is in it?
                                                            
                       SETH
It's much more spacious than it
looks.
                                                            
Larson enters with a thermometer.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Alright, now I'm going to let you
decide how we're using this. The
way I see it, there are at least
five different places I could
stick it.
                                                            

156.

                       SETH
Trying to figure out that fifth
one is going to drive me insane.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (entering)
Is Seth sick? Do I have to nurse
him back to health?
                                                            
                       LILITH
I could loan you my nurse costume.
                                                            
                       LARSON
That was the best Halloween ever.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (moving towards
       exit)
Fresh air.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You can't run from your feelings!
                                                            
                       LARSON
Seth is intimidated by your raw
sensuality. Let alone the thought
of you in a naughty nurse costume.
                                                            
                       LILITH
The costume itself isn't all that
naughty.
                                                            
                       LARSON
That is true. It's more of the
sense memory than anything else.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I wield my hotness like a
sledgehammer.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (exiting)
Fresh air.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
That boy has intimacy issues.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Well, Seth's had a long day.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Seth? I haven't even gotten to eat
yet.
                                                            

157.

Larson starts towards the exit with Ashley close behind.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Approach carefully. I'm pretty
sure Edna could gnaw your arm off.
Hey, has anybody seen Johnny?
                                                            
Larson and Lilith look at each for a long beat.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (exiting)
Nope.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (exiting)
I'll bet you that his head is
stuck in something, right now...
                                                            
After they've left, Lilith slowly picks up the bookbag and
looks inside it. She puts it back down and smiles.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I am definitely getting some new
furniture...
                                                            
END SCENE
                                                            
 
INT. ACT 2, SCENE 4 - DAY
                                                            
We are back in the detective's office. Ms. Clark is there
along with Detective Lawrence.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Thanks for coming in on such short
notice, Ms. Clark.
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
It's okay. I wasn't busy.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
That's good.
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
I spend most of my free time
writing these days.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
What kind of writing, if you don't
mind my asking?
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
Letters.
                                                            

158.

                       DETECTIVE
Do you send a lot of letters?
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
No, I write a lot of letters.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Why don't you send them?
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
The letters I write, Detective
Lawrence, tend to get a person in
trouble.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Then why write them?
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
In case I want to get in trouble
someday.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
That just caused a lot of undue
sexual tension.
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
I'm sorry.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
I wasn't complaining, Ms. Clark.
                                                            
They stare at each other in a rather melodramatic fashion.
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
What was it you had to tell me,
Detective Lawrence?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
We have another break in your
case.
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
A what?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
A break in the case.
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
Slower.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
A break...in.. the case.
                                                            

159.

Officer Johnson enters.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
The witness is waiting outside.
                                                            
Detective Lawrence and Ms. Clark break the mood and act like
nothing wierd just happened.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
What were you doing?
                                                            
Ms. Clark and Detective Lawrence share a gaze.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Nothing at all.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Well, the witness is ready.
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
Witness?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Yeah, he's outside.
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
Slower.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
The...witness..is outside?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
      (to Ms. Clark)
Hussy.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
We've had a few people trying to
claim the reward, but I think this
guy might actually know something.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Yes, I would say so.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
You haven't met him yet.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Yes, but if I had, I would say
what you just said.
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
Can I talk to him?
                                                            

160.

                       DETECTIVE
No, madam. I would recommend you
leave this to the professionals.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
By which he means us.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Of course.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Why don't you sort of hide in the
shadows over on that side of the
room, and then we'll have you
burst out all dramatically.
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
I do enjoy dramatically bursting.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
And I think we should try the
good-cop-bad-cop approach for
this.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Agreed.
                                                            
The police office brings in Seth. Detective Lawrence moves a
chair into the middle of the room.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Get in here, scumbag.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Sit down and shut up.
                                                            
                       SETH
Thanks for seeing me, I think...
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
I'll let you know what to think.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
And when.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
And why.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
And with what internal voice.
                                                            

161.

                       DETECTIVE
So I'll bet you figure you're
pretty smart, huh?
                                                            
                       SETH
I wouldn't..
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Well, listen up and listen close,
smart guy. I know that you know
something, but you don't know how
much I know about what you know.
                                                            
                       SETH
Um...
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Where were you last night, punk?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Who were you with?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
What were you doing?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Who drove?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Did you reimburse his gas money?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
I'll bet you didn't.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
You sicken me. Always getting free
rides, never repaying the driver.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
You steal from hotel rooms, don't
you?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Why do you steal from hotel rooms?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
You steal from hotel rooms, and
now you're stealing from ladies.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
From shampoo to money. Shame.
                                                            

162.

                       DETECTIVE
You little collegiate punks think
you're above the law. Well, I am
the law. You think you're above
me?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
You think you're better than us,
kid?
                                                            
                       SETH
I was going to tell...
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
I don't want to hear your lies,
dirtbag!
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Is that your real hair color?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Who do you work for?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Where are you hiding the loot?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Have you ever been in love?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Will you show me the secret to
happiness?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Hoodlum!
                                                            
                       SETH
I've already confessed...
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Who's the ringleader?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Who was the driver?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Who was the muscle?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Who was the Beaver?
                                                            
                       SETH
The Beaver?
                                                            

163.

                       DETECTIVE
How much did you make off with?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Who's got the loot?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Do you have any fetishes?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Pervert!
                                                            
                       SETH
Jerry Mathers.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
How long have you been casing the
Clark residence?
                                                            
                       SETH
Jerry Mathers was the Beaver.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Do you enjoy making ladies cry?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Do you believe in life after love?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
After love?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
If a train left New Hampshire at
4:15 going seven-five miles per
hour, and a caribou that recently
escaped from the local zoo in
Topeka was going for a leisurely
stroll, when would they collide?
                                                            
                       SETH
      (getting upset)
That's not even a real math
problem!
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
When?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
When?
                                                            
                       SETH
I don't...
                                                            

164.

                       DETECTIVE
When?
                                                            
                       SETH
I..
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
When?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Vandal!
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Reprobate!
                                                            
Seth starts to sob.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Wait, we never established who was
going to be the good cop.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Right. We were doing
bad-cop-bad-cop. That is slightly
less effective.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Whoa, this kid's really crying.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Do you want to be good cop?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Not really.
                                                            
They rock-paper-scissors for it. The police officer loses.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Hey there, buddy. Calm down. It's
going to be alright.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Yeah. Punk.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Do you really know what happened
at the nice lady's house?
                                                            
                       SETH
Yes, sir.
                                                            

165.

                       DETECTIVE
Spill it, or I'll punch you about
the head and neck.
                                                            
                       SETH
We weren't trying to start any
trouble. We just thought it would
be fun, right? But it's not
fun.It's not fun at all. It was
Dale's idea, but Dale's dead, man.
I saw the body. He's dead. Johnny
too. Oh, sweet Johnny. He found
the combination. Johnny found the
combination, all on his own. All
the money's in a bookbag. We put
it all in there, as much as it
could hold.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
It's in a bookbag?
                                                            
                       SETH
My bookbag. It has my name on it
and everything.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
You still put your name on your
bookbag?
                                                            
                       SETH
It's an old bookbag.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
You could at least put some
patches on it, cover up the
dorkiness.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
I feel dorky even having my name
on the door.
                                                            
                       SETH
The bag isn't what's important
here!
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
No, I think it is. You obviously
have attachment issues.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Borderline obsessive. Probably a
hopeless romantic, aren't you?
                                                            

166.

                       POLICE OFFICER
Bet you listen to a lot of Elliott
Smith.
                                                            
                       SETH
Not excessively.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
How many unrequited loves have you
had in your life son?
                                                            
                       SETH
Too many.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
How many requited ones?
                                                            
                       SETH
Two. Ish.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Is she one of them?
                                                            
                       SETH
Is who what?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
The girl that helped you get the
money. Is she one of those loves?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
How do you know there's a girl?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Because there's always a girl.
                                                            
                       SETH
She's of the unrequited
persuasion.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
You thought you could impress her
by turning to a life of crime. But
you had to drag her down with you,
you make me sick.
                                                            
                       SETH
She wanted to go..she wanted to
come along.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
What happened?
                                                            

167.

                       SETH
We broke in, we had a lock picking
kit, we broke in and we found the
safe. We opened it and took the
money. That's all we did.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
His story sounds pretty tight to
me.
                                                            
                       SETH
Hey, do I still get the reward
money?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
What?
                                                            
                       SETH
There was supposed to be a reward
for any information that led to an
arrest. Do I get the reward?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
He has a point.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
But you commited the crime.
                                                            
                       SETH
But I still brought in the
information. Nobody ever said it
had to be an outside source.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Loopholes.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
You can't have the money. You did
the crime, so you're going to
jail.
                                                            
                       SETH
No, I figured I could take the
reward money and put it in a bank
account, let it accumulate
interest, and then I could take it
back out after my sentence would
end. I mean, I'm gonna get out
early, right? Because of the plea
bargain?
                                                            
The detective and police officer stare at each other and
then back at Seth.
                                                            

168.

                       SETH
I mean, that's what I'm doing
right now, right? Plea bargaining.
                                                            
The detective slowly cocks his head to the side like a
confused puppy.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
What's this about fleas?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
You want a fleece sweater?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
You want money AND a sweater?
Seems a little bit greedy.
                                                            
                       SETH
Plea bargain. I turn myself in and
cooperate with authorities so that
I get a reduced sentence. I saw it
on Law and Order.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Well, Law and Order's never
steered me wrong before. Still, I
don't trust it.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Give me a second.
                                                            
The detective pulls a book out of his desk. The officer
comes over and they both thumb through it. Seth sinks into
his chair.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
What was it called? Plea
bludgeoning?
                                                            
                       SETH
Bargaining.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
There it is, in black and white.
The justice system has let me down
again.
                                                            
The detective closes the book in disgust and throws his head
back.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Laurencio!
                                                            

169.

                       POLICE OFFICER
We still need to verify your
story, though.
                                                            
                       SETH
I was there.
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
      (dramatically
       bursting)
And so was I.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Do you recognize this man?
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
Unfortunately, no. It was too
dark.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
What about the sound of his voice?
Do you recognize that?
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
No, their voices were muffled.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
So then we have no way of checking
this kid's story.
                                                            
They all stand in silence for a moment. Suddenly, Ms. Clark
walks over to Seth, grabs his hands, and puts them on her
chest.
                                                            
                       MS.CLARK
Yeah, it's him.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Well, I guess that settles it.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Are you sure? Because I could be
him.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
I guess we have to track down
these other kids now.
                                                            
                       SETH
      (hands still up)
Marry me.
                                                            

170.

                       POLICE OFFICER
Son? We need you to finish giving
your deposition.
                                                            
                       SETH
Leave us alone!
                                                            
END SCENE 4
                                                            
 
INT. ACT2, SCENE 5 - NIGHT
                                                            
Back at the apartment, Lilith is laying on the couch. Ashley
enters from the hallway.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I love the smell of cancer in the
evening.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Ashley, you're a scholar. How long
does it take for a body to
decompose?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
What kind of body?
                                                            
                       LILITH
A person. A big person.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Andre the Giant big?
                                                            
                       LILITH
No, just the average grown-up
American male.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Well, are we talking all the way
to bones, or just enough to start
stinking?
                                                            
                       LILITH
I guess just until they start
stinking.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I'm pretty sure that if a body's
sort of left out in the open,
it'll start smelling pretty bad in
just a day or two. I know it's
horrible by day four. See, all the
bacteria inside your organs feeds
            (MORE)

171.

                       ASHLEY (cont'd)
off your tissues, because your
heart has stopped sending them
nutrients. And all your insides
turn to goo, and most of the soft
stuff in your head will ooze out,
it's pretty gross. And all this
dying tissue releases nasty gases,
and attracts lots of little
parasites and scavengers. Yeah,
death is not an attractive thing.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Huh.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Why?
                                                            
                       LILITH
There was a question on the TV. A
quiz show.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I rock so hard at quiz shows it
ceases to be funny.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Did you see Larson outside?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Nope. He's still trying to track
down Seth. We have a ceremony to
perform.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Oh, what kind of ceremony?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
The super secret kind.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Is this about the gnome?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (suspiciously)
No...
                                                            
                       LILITH
I just thought...
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Where the hell are Dale and
Johnny?
                                                            

172.

                       LILITH
Who can really say for sure? If
they're not here, they really
could be just about anywhere.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Especially Johnny. I once saw him
chase a squirrel for an hour.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Maybe he's out doing that.
                                                            
There's a slightly awkward pause. Edna enters from the
kitchen door.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Dear, I can't seem to find my
purse. Did you happen to see your
boyfriend walk off with it?
                                                            
                       LILITH
No, Mother, I did not.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Well, if he shows up, please ask
him what drug dealer he gave it
to. For me.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Do you want me to look for your
purse, mother?
                                                            
                       EDNA
If you think you can find it,
dear, then be my guest.
                                                            
Lilith gets up, goes to the door, looks at her mother and
back at Ashley, and exits.
                                                            
                       EDNA
So, Ashley, any boys in your life?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
No. Right now, I find myself
really getting into older men.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Older men?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Like eighty-year olds.
                                                            

173.

                       EDNA
Eighty? Really?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Haven't you ever heard of a sugar
daddy? Or did they not have those
in old-person times?
                                                            
                       EDNA
How about employment? Have you
found any prospects?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Nope. That's why I need the sugar
daddy.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Oh, dear.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Or there's always drug-running.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Lilith?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
See, all I have to do is swallow
these balloons filled with cocaine
rocks. Then I transfer them across
the country, and after a rather
uncomfortable process, they get
sold, and I get a portion of the
proceeds.
                                                            
Edna stares at her in shocked silence.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I saw it in a movie. Foreign
flick, you probably wouldn't like
it.
                                                            
                       EDNA
That sounds like a horrible film.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Actually it was strangely
uplifting.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Are you finished with school? I
can't remember.
                                                            

174.

                       ASHLEY
Yeah, I'm finished with school.
Had enough of that.
                                                            
                       EDNA
What did you get your degree in?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Oh, you meant graduate? No, I
didn't do that.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Ashley, dear, there are enough
uneducated people in the world.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I never said I wasn't educated. I
just never graduated. There's a
difference.
                                                            
                       EDNA
I suppose...how are your parents?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Well, I'm pretty sure they're
alive. I could be wrong, though.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Oh, you haven't been keeping in
touch.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Not since I promised my soul and
eternal devotion to the dark lord.
                                                            
                       EDNA
The...what?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
The Dark Lord of All Unholy
Things. Yeah, I promised him my
soul for help in winning a bowling
tournament. In hindsight, I should
have saved it for something
bigger.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Your soul, dear?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I figure he would get it sooner or
later, so I might as well get
something out of the deal.
                                                            

175.

                       EDNA
Lilith?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I mean, it's not the biggest
trophy I've ever seen, but it's
still pretty cool, you know? It
has the little bowler right on the
top, the sparkly stuff on the,
what do call it, the middle part?
The stand? I guess you'd call it
the stand, at least that's what I
would call it. And it has the
little plaque on the bottom, with
my name engraved on it. Yeah.
                                                            
Lilith enters with the purse.
                                                            
                       LILITH
You must have accidentally tucked
it away when you were folding up
towels, mother. It was in the
linen closet.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Linens?
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (defensive)
We have an apartment, we are
allowed to have linens.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Well, dear, you don't HAVE an
apartment. You're LIVING in an
apartment. With a deadbeat.
                                                            
Larson enters from the hallway. All the ladies look at him.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Hello.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Seth?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Missing.
                                                            
                       EDNA
See? Can't even find one person.
                                                            

176.

                       LARSON
It becomes a bit more of a chore
when there are other ones out
there, you know.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You should offer your soul for
Seth.
                                                            
                       LARSON
My soul?
                                                            
                       EDNA
To the dark lord.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I was kinda saving that for a full
run of Dr. Who.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You think you can a full run for
one soul?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Well, not yet. I'm trying to
appreciate in value. I should at
least be able to get all the Tom
Bakers.
                                                            
                       EDNA
      (to Lilith)
I didn't know I was paying for you
to live with cultists.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I do enjoy a good human sacrifice.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (exiting)
Speaking of sacrifices, I think
it's time to offer up another
little piece of lung
                                                            
                       LILITH
You just came back from a smoke
break.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (looking at Edna)
I just really need another one
right now.
                                                            
Ashley exits.
                                                            

177.

                       LARSON
So, Edna...
                                                            
                       EDNA
You are NOT dragging my Lilith
down to Hades with you and your
satanist friend.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (to Lilith)
You must have your dad's sense of
humor.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Mother, Larson and I want to talk
to you about the lease.
                                                            
                       EDNA
You need me to pay for something
else?
                                                            
                       LARSON
How about nothing?
                                                            
                       LILITH
We really think we're ready to
have the lease in our names.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Just like real big people.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Do you really think you can afford
it?
                                                            
                       LILITH
We have plenty of money saved up
now, and I'm still getting plenty
of hours. And after Larson gets
his certification..
                                                            
                       EDNA
He'll be an office boy with a
certificate.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I love this woman.
                                                            
                       EDNA
      (walking behind
       couch)
Dear, I know you think you're
adults. Living in the city, having
            (MORE)

178.

                       EDNA (cont'd)
friends over, but you're still
young. You're still immature. I
just don't think you're
responsible enough to actually
take care of this apartment. On
your own.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm right here.
                                                            
                       EDNA
When I think you're ready, then
I'll gladly let you put your name
on the lease, Lilith. But I don't
think it would be wise to do so
when there's such a high
likelihood of something happening.
Something that you wouldn't want
your name attached to. Darling,
what I'm saying is, your boyfriend
and his cohorts are accidents
waiting to happen. And when they
do happen, I don't want your life
to be ruined.
                                                            
While Edna is delivering this speech, her back is turned to
Larson and Lilith. Larson reaches over, grabs the gnome, and
begins to charge at Edna. Lilith restrains him and puts the
gnome back. He again tries to get at Edna, Lilith grapples
with him, they end up in a tight clinch.
                                                            
                       EDNA
You understand, don't you, dear?
                                                            
                       LILITH
I'm sorry, I wasn't really
listening.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (cracking a smile)
You are lucky there are people
present, little lady.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I'm so scared.
                                                            
                       EDNA
      (seeing the clinch)
Lilith!
                                                            
                       LARSON
I think you're supposed to let go
now.
                                                            

179.

                       LILITH
      (fake pout)
I don't want to.
                                                            
Ashley enters from the hallway.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
That's a sweet picture.
                                                            
                       EDNA
      (grabbing Lilith)
We are going for a walk, young
lady.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Yes, mother.
                                                            
Edna drags Lilith through the door.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't get genetics.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Yeah.
                                                            
Larson sits down on the couch.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Am I in the mood for cartoons or
Discovery Channel?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Discovery.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Course, it would help if I could
find the remote. Johnny probably
had it last.
                                                            
Ashley begins to sneak back towards the bag of cash.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Probably. Johnny certainly does
love his TV.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Well, what's not to love?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
The damage it's done to our
retinas and attention spans.
                                                            

180.

                       LARSON
That's just nitpicking. And are
you looking for something, Ash?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Not really. Just sneaking a peek
at the money.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Sneaking a peek or sneaking a
handful?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Just a peek. When did you get so
chary?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Huh?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Chary, cautious. From Old English.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Fascinating.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I guess I can get ready for the
ceremony while we wait.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Which ceremony is this?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
The money division ceremony. I
just thought of it an hour ago.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Need any help?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I need scissors and construction
paper.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Why would I have construction
paper just laying around?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
To keep Johnny entertained while
you and Lily are otherwise
occupied.
                                                            

181.

                       LARSON
Then I guess it would be in
Johnny's drawer in the kitchen.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (exiting)
Awesome.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Oh yeah, Johnny.
                                                            
Larson peeks under the couch.
                                                            
                       LARSON
How you holding up, buddy?
                                                            
Lilith enters.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Mother got caught by a
scientologist.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Come again?
                                                            
                       LILITH
She's getting an auditing session.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Why?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Because it was free.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (standing up)
That should buy us a little bit of
time, then.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (throws arms
       around his neck)
Exactly what I was thinking.
                                                            
                       LARSON
How does a visit from your mother
make you so frisky all of sudden?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Less talky.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Honey?
                                                            

182.

                       LILITH
      (inch away from
       his face)
Yes?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't want to make out in front
of the dead people.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (backs away)
Right. I almost forgot.
                                                            
Lilith starts laughing.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I forgot about the dead people.
How do you forget about the dead
people?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Are you okay, babe?
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (still laughing)
No.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Me neither.
                                                            
                       LILITH
My mother hates you. I thought she
just resented us living together
before getting married, but she
really hates you.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (animated, but not
       angry)
I've been trying to tell you that!
She hated me before we moved in. I
told you that!
                                                            
                       LILITH
I feel like such a rebel now.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You know that I find rebellion
incredibly sexy, right?
                                                            
                       LILITH
I would tackle you right now if
Johnny wasn't under that couch.
                                                            

183.

Ashley enters with scissors, a sheet of construction paper
and some paper dolls made of the same paper. She sits on the
couch.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Where's the Lilith-Mother?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Captured by Scientologists.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Oh, awesome.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (regaining
       composure)
How about drinks? Would you like
something to drink, Ashley?
Larson? Drink?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Sure, honey.
                                                            
Lilith starts to exit, then stops near Larson. There's a
slight pause. She coughs. Larson smiles and gives her a pat
on the behind. She exits.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You two are sickening, you know
that right?
                                                            
                       LARSON
So what's with the dolls?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (showing them off)
This is you, this one's Seth,
here's Johnny, Dale...
                                                            
Ashley cuts another doll from the paper.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
And me.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (Sitting down)
Okay. And what are we going to do
with these?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Well, they're visual
representations.
                                                            

184.

                       LARSON
Well, obviously.
                                                            
Lilith pops her head in.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I forgot to ask. What do you want
to drink?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I have a craving for Kool-Aid.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (popping out)
I'll see what I can do.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Sure you don't need to pat her
fanny?
                                                            
                       LARSON
So, we have our visual
representation. What next?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Well, first let's consider Dale.
He looks pretty happy, doesn't he?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Well, you drew a smiley face on
him.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
In fact, Dale's so happy that he
no longer feels the need to come
divvy up the money. So there goes
Dale.
                                                            
Ashley cuts off the doll's head.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (looking at head)
What's creepier than a severed
head? A smiling severed head.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Next we have Johnny. Sweet,
confused Johnny.
                                                            
                       LARSON
He should really have a smilie
face too.
                                                            

185.

                       ASHLEY
But really, what would Johnny even
do with all that money? It has no
meaning for him, it has no
purpose. And you know how I
despise purposelessness.It's so
desultory.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (as she cuts the
       head off)
You and your words.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Now Seth...poor Seth. Silly
romantic boy. I must admit that if
he were a little bit more
authoritative, I might be inclined
to let him date me. I'm just not
all that into the whole
inverterbrate thing.
                                                            
She cuts off another doll's head.
                                                            
                       LARSON
So Dale gets no money because he's
gone, Johnny gets no money because
he's a little bit slow, and Seth
gets no money because he's too
timid.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
So then there's just you and me,
Lars.
                                                            
                       LARSON
That does make sense. Math and
all.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
But the thing is, you don't really
need the money, do you, Lars? You
have a job, Lilith has a job,
you'll be getting a better job
soon. And until you do, the Shadow
can always bail you out on rent.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't like where this is going,
Ash.
                                                            
Ashley slowly picks up the paper doll representing Larson
and starts to cut its head off.
                                                            

186.

                       LARSON
      (standing)
How exactly are you planning on
getting out of here with the
money, Ash?
                                                            
Ashley stands up and gestures at Larson with the scissors.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Well, most people are adverse to
injury.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Are you threatening me?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Maybe.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You think you're going to make me
scared, by threatening to attack
me with scissors.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You know how violent I can get,
Lars.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Lady, I've already killed Johnny
AND Dale.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (toughness gone)
What?
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (nonchalant)
Dale was trying to run off with
the money so I killed him. Then
Johnny was going to turn us in to
the cops, so I had to take him
out, too.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I don't believe you.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Dale's in the closet and Johnny's
under the couch. Now, since I'm
obviously not going to be
intimidated by a pair of scissors,
maybe we should just sit down and
work this out in a civil manner.
                                                            

187.

Larson calmly reaches out a hand towards Ashley. She sees
this as a threat and starts to freak out and run away.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Get away from me!
                                                            
                       LARSON
Now, didn't your mother teach you
anything? Don't run with sharp
objects, you might...
                                                            
At this, Ashley takes a bad turn around the couch and falls
behind it.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (sighing)
Trip and die.
                                                            
Larson looks behind the couch.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (to sky)
Why me?
                                                            
Larson goes to the body and reaches down for the scissors.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You okay, Ash? Blink once for yes,
twice for no, and don't blink at
all if you're dead. Yeah, that's
what I thought. Damn, those are
jammed in there good. Wait,
wait...got it!
                                                            
Lilith enters as Larson stands up. She's carrying a pitcher,
he's holding the scissors.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Well, we're out of Kool-Aid, but I
found a cheap imitation, will that
work?
                                                            
Lilith notices the scene.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Ohhh no.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (sighs)
I can't leave you alone for five
minutes.
                                                            

188.

                       LARSON
Now, I know this looks bad,
particularly in light of recent
events.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson, I love you. But if you're
going to insist on killing people
all the time, this relationship is
NOT going to work.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I didn't kill this one.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I suppose she tripped and fell on
the scissors?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yes, she did.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Larson...
                                                            
                       LARSON
No, see, Ashley threatened me. She
was going to attack me. So I
casually mentioned that I had
killed two people, which made Ash
freak out and run around. And then
she tripped and fell. On these
scissors. Which I'm holding. But
that I wasn't holding at that
time. Um...yeah.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Is this how you're going to deal
with all your problems?
                                                            
                       LARSON
I didn't kill her.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Why should I believe that?
                                                            
                       LARSON
If I already told you about the
other two bodies, why would I
start lying now?
                                                            
                       LILITH
To lure me into a false sense of
security?
                                                            

189.

                       LARSON
I'm not going to kill you honey.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Okay.
                                                            
She stares at him.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (whining)
I'm not.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Promise?
                                                            
                       LARSON
This is insane.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Promise.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Fine, I promise I won't kill you.
                                                            
                       LILITH
And Ashley?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Tripped and fell.
                                                            
Lilith stares at Larson.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (sighs)
I promise I didn't kill Ashley.
Happy?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Happier. But we're running out of
places to put these.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Bathroom closet?
                                                            
                       LILITH
She won't fit.
                                                            
                       LARSON
She could.
                                                            
Lilith stares at Larson. She knows what he's thinking.
                                                            

190.

                       LARSON
If we chopped her up.
                                                            
Lilith sighs.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Into little bits.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Does this have anything to do with
the jigsaw you bought but have
never used?
                                                            
                       LARSON
It was on sale.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Well, we at least have to get her
out of the front room.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You feel like carrying an end?
                                                            
The lights go out, Ashly exits the stage. We hear the
following dialogue.
                                                            
                       LILITH
This seems like a lot of fuss to
make over one backpack.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Well, it's a pretty nice backpack.
                                                            
                       LILITH
And we can't keep the bodies here.
The apartment is going to smell
bad.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I wasn't planning on keeping them.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Good.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I must say, I do admire how calmly
you're taking this whole thing.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Thanks to the media desensitizing
me, I haven't really realized how
serious any of this is yet.
                                                            

191.

The lights come back up, Larson and Lilith are walking back
from the kitchen door.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Hooray for the media.
                                                            
The Police Officer bursts through the hallway door, followed
by the Detective.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
      (grabbing Larson)
On the ground!
                                                            
The Police Officer shoves Larson to the floor and stands
over him with gun drawn.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Okay, starting to realize it now.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
You have the right to remain
silent!
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Too soon.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
What?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
We're not arresting him yet,this
is just a search.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Oh.
                                                            
The officer sheepishly steps back and puts his gun away.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Sorry. I got a little excited,
this is my first real bust.
                                                            
                       LARSON
      (getting up)
Perfectly understandable.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Are you okay, honey?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Depends. Where's my spleen?
                                                            

192.

                       LILITH
      (pointing at his
       body)
In here. Little bit under the
ribcage, behind the stomach..right
around there.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah, he stepped on my spleen.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Are you familiar with the Clark
theft?
                                                            
Lilith and Larson look at each other.
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (with Larson)
No.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Well, we received a tip that this
location was tied to the crime.
                                                            
                       LARSON
In what way?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
In pretty much everyway. The
planning, the stashing, the
murder.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Murder?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Yes. Murder.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Can't say as I much care for
murder.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
I can't say as I'm its biggest
fan. But sometimes...
                                                            
Long pause.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Sometimes what?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Sometimes you need a snow cone.
                                                            

193.

                       LARSON
      (to Lilith)
I could be mistaken, but I think
he just said he'd kill for a sno
cone.
                                                            
                       LILITH
We have a sno cone machine.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Sir, would you like a snow cone?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
No.
      (short pause)
I lied just now. I would love a
snow cone. But I swore to
myself...never again.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I don't think this guy's a real
detective.
                                                            
                       LARSON
If I had a cool coat, I would
pretend I was a detective too.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Are you the owners of this
residence?
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (pause)
No.
                                                            
Larson looks at her.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Our names are not on the lease.
                                                            
                       LARSON
True. They definitely are not.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
So mind if we have a look around?
                                                            
                       LARSON
Go ahead, not my place.
                                                            
There's a short blackout, the lights come back on Lilith and
Larson sitting on the couch alone.
                                                            

194.

                       LARSON
You really think we're getting
away with this?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Nope.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Super. If I become somebody's wife
in prison, will you still respect
me?
                                                            
                       LILITH
      (thinks about it)
Hmmm. Nope.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Suppose I might join a gang on the
inside. Do you think I can pass as
Puerto Rican?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Not even close.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I appreciate the honesty.
                                                            
Long pause. Lilith puts her hand in Larson's.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Hey.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Yeah?
                                                            
                       LILITH
I love you.
                                                            
Larson looks at her. They smile. The Detective walks in.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
So we've located evidence of the
stolen money, and found two dead
bodies.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You mean three.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Why should there be three?
                                                            

195.

                       LARSON
      (singing)
Because three is a magic number.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
So you say that you are not the
owners of this residence?
                                                            
Edna enters from the hallway. She laughs.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Of course not. They lack the
responsibility, they lack the
character, they lack the clarity
of vision.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I don't think I much care for your
new Scientologist mother.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I know. She used to at least hide
the fact she was calling us
worthless.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Their minds are clouded by the
negative influence of their past
lives, and as such, there is no
possible way that they could be
counted on for anything. As a
newly enlightened candidate for
cleansing, it is my duty to take
full responsibility for these
poor, Thetan-encumbered souls.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
      (looking at Lilith)
Full responsibility?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Yep. She is the only one here who
has any responsibility at all, for
anything.
                                                            
                       LARSON
At all.
                                                            
                       LILITH
And I'll bet she would gladly
confess to this responsibility.
                                                            

196.

                       EDNA
I would indeed.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Ma'am, you are under arrest.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Really? For what?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
Everything that has transpired in
this apartment.
                                                            
                       EDNA
Criminal activities?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
A rather extensive list, in fact.
                                                            
                       EDNA
I wish I could say I was
surprised.
                                                            
The detective pushes Edna back out through the door, then
turns back towards Larson and Lilith.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE
We'll still need you to come down
to the station.
                                                            
The detective and Edna exit, Lilith and Larson get off the
couch and start towards the door.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You just framed your mother.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Yeah, I guess I did.
                                                            
                       LARSON
You realize, of course, that
rebellion is a major turn-on of
mine.
                                                            
                       LILITH
Of course.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Make-out in the squad car?
                                                            
                       LILITH
Race you to it.
                                                            

197.

Lilith and Larson run offstage. A few seconds later, Ashley
enters from the other side.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You would think that after living
with a nurse, he would have
learned how to check for a pulse.
                                                            
She looks under the couch.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Hey, buddy. How's tricks?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER (O.S.)
Hey!
                                                            
The police officer enters.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Who are you and what are you doing
here? This is a crime scene!
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I was just looking for my
backpack. Have you seen it? I
named it Seth.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
You must think I'm dumb. We heard
the whole story from our witness.
The owner of the backpack.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Drat. I was fairly certain he was
already dead.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Nope, he remains extant.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (intrigued)
So...do you think I'm iniquitous?
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
From the latin.For uneven or
unjust. Entered the Middle English
dialect by 1200?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
1300.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
You are positively ambrosial.
                                                            

198.

                       ASHLEY
Sweet smelling.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Divine.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I have a crazy idea.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Me too.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You go first.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
I want to quit my job, take you
and that backpack, and head
towards the border. What was your
idea?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I had the odd compulsion to turn
your shirt inside out and then sew
our sleeves together. But I'm
really starting to like your idea
better.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
You grab the bag, I'll go find
some thread.
                                                            
The police officer exits. Ashley goes back and picks up the
bag, starts rummaging through it. Lilith enters, but does
not notice her.
                                                            
                       LILITH
So I can check that off the list.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
What's left?
                                                            
                       LILITH
We still have to make out on a
carousel, a raft, and in a JC
Penny's dressing room.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I'd almost forgotten about PDA
bingo. Good times.
                                                            
Lilith finally looks at Ashley. Long pause. Scream.
                                                            

199.

                       ASHLEY
Yeah, I'd be wierded out too.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I'll have to go back over this
with Larson. Breathing equals
alive, not breathing equals dead.
                                                            
The police officer enters with shirt turned inside out.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
What was that? What's wrong?
                                                            
Larson enters, also with his shirt turned inside out.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Lily? Are you okay?
                                                            
Long awkward pause, everyone looking at everyone.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
So, um, I'm not dead.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I'm very happy for you.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
      (backing out of
       room)
I'm going to...yeah...
                                                            
                       LILITH
I need to ask you a question, just
real quick.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I fell. Own fault. Promise.
                                                            
                       LARSON
Told you.
                                                            
                       LILITH
So...what do we do now?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
50/50.
                                                            
                       LARSON
What?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
We split the money. We're going to
head south.
                                                            

200.

                       LARSON
You and the cop?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I am leaving with the gendarme,
yes. And the four of us will never
meet again.
                                                            
                       LARSON
After all the laws I've broken
this week, I'm pretty much open to
anything.
                                                            
                       LILITH
We can move out west, towards the
coast. Maybe buy our own little
place near the ocean.
                                                            
The police officer enters with a second bag. Ashley starts
moving money from the first bag.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
So are we good?
                                                            
                       LILITH
We're planning to split up stolen
money that two people have died
for, and the entire thing has been
pinned on an innocent old woman.
We are far from good.
                                                            
                       LARSON
I think innocent is a bit of a
stretch.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Hey, Lars? Can we take the gnome?
                                                            
                       LARSON
If you didn't take it, I would
have thrown it down the hallway at
you.
                                                            
Ashley hands the second bag to the police officer, he starts
to leave the room. She picks up the gnome and follows behind
him.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
It's amazing how things can come
together in the end, no matter how
improbable it seems.
                                                            

201.

                       ASHLEY
Life does not operate on
probabilities. That's what makes
it fun.
                                                            
After they exit, Lilith throws her arms around Larson.
                                                            
                       LILITH
After all that, what else can we
possibly do this afternoon?
                                                            
                       LARSON
First, I am going to go fix my
shirt. Then, I think we should go
out and buy us a getaway car.
After that, it's all open roads
and sunshine.
                                                            
Larson kisses Lilith, then exits toward the kitchen, tugging
at his shirt. Lilith stands alone for a moment, then smiles.
                                                            
                       LILITH
I am significant.
                                                            
Lights and curtain as Lilith exits.
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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From Christin Leighton Date 2/23/2006 ***
Ok I read the rest. I was about to go all the way up to 3.5 stars because I laughed out loud at the Google joke. God I love Google. But the problem is it seems the kind of comedy changes. It goes from quirky generation X-er comedy reminiscent of Reality Bites to a not so funny version of a Marx Brother's film, all the way to a complete farce similar to Naked Gun but only in small bits like the Detective’s Office scene. In some places I can almost tell exactly when you've taken a hit off of a water bong before deciding to write. And then it mellows out again. And we're at page 150 and only on Act 2 Scene 4? I stick to a point I made in a previous post. These characters are not individual enough. They don't each have their own unique voice. Some of the jokes trail on past the point of funny and lose their punch due to over explanation. But I think the storyline was mapped out fairly well even if the overly not so witty lines tend to drag it down a bit. Oh and having Dale map out which character was which stereotypical character, yeah don’t do that. If you’re going for an Airplane feel do it all the way through. If it shows up sporadically it’s not going to work. Actually I would steer away from that completely. I’m an airplane fan I love all kinds of comedy, this particular brand might not be for you to try just yet. My English Professor once told me you have to know all the rules before you can break them. I think this is very true with farce. Stick to quirky. You do it B+-ish. I think with a little work and some editing you’ll have it dead on.


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