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War of the Ages: Killer Space Zombies vs. Time Traveling Pirates and Ninjas
by Garrett (gspfilms@aol.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review:
NOT YET
RATED

When Mutant Space Zombies invade Earth, it is up to a crazy French scientist and a paranoid army officer and his nutty crew to bring back Ninjas and Pirates from the past to help save Earth. Suddenly, disaster strikes when the communists, bent on recapturing the glory of the USSR, use the invasion as a distraction to inflitrate the US and try to sabatoge the plans to bring world peace.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

INT. EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM WARNING SCREEN - DAY
                                                            
Multi-color bars flash onscreen followed by the audio alarm
signalling the Emergency Broadcast Alert has been activated.
                                                            
                       VOICE OF NEWSCASTER
The emergency broadcast alert
system has been activated because
the National Weather service has
issued a severe Alien Invasion in
your area. Stay tuned for furthur
instruction...
                                                            
 
INT. PRESIDENTIAL PRESS CONFERENCE - DAY
                                                            
The screen changes to a presidential press conference. A
podium is in the middle of the room. The seal of the union
is located on the podium. There is a faint murmur of an
audience. The PRESIDENT walks in, and stands behind the
podium. He has a 'Hello my Name is: Mr. President" sticker
on his chest. Two SECURITY GUARDS stand behind the
PRESIDENT. The PRESIDENT glares at the camera.
                                                            
                       VOICE OF NEWSCASTER
Ladies and gentlemen, the
president of the United States.
                                                            
                       PRESIDENT
      (reading from
       tele-prompter)
My fellow Americans, I come before
you in a time of danger. A time of
peril. A time of uncertainty. As I
speak, the safety of this grea-
errr, decent nation is in
jeopardy. As many of you have
found out the hard way, we are
being invaded by killer mutant
space zombies...
                                                            
 
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
                                                            
...There is a quick clip of a group of people running away
and screaming from a space zombie as it comes around a
corner...
                                                            
 
INT. PRESIDENTIAL PRESS CONFERENCE - DAY
                                                            
                       PRESIDENT
      (continuing speech)
...for this reason, I have raised
the terror alert rating today from
almost certain to already in
progress...
                                                            
 

2.

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
...A quick shot inside a house. A woman is sweeping near her
front door when the doorbell rings. She puts the broom down
and walks to the door and opens it. A zombie is ringing the
doorbell. The woman screams as the zombie pulls her outside.
                                                            
                       WOMAN
      (getting pulled
       outside)
Ay Carumba!
                                                            
 
INT. PRESIDENTIAL PRESS CONFERENCE - DAY
                                                            
                       PRESIDENT
...I advise you to stay in your
houses. Lock your doors and
windows. Stock up on water and
non-parishable foods, pick up some
ammo for your 12 guage, and get
your AK-47 ready to go just in
case. Lets take out some space
junk...
                                                            
 
EXT. URBAN STREET - DAY
                                                            
...a shot of a man getting into his car parked in a street.
He gets in, shuts the door, and starts the engine. He
freezes, very afraid. He turns his head to see a space
zombie sitting in the passenger seat. He screams as the
zombie lunges towards him.
                                                            
                       MAN
Momma Mia!
                                                            
 
INT. PRESIDENTIAL PRESS CONFERENCE - DAY
                                                            
                       PRESIDENT
...sharpen your knives and swords.
let's work as a team. Everybody's
got their work cut out for them...
                                                            
 
EXT. SUBURBAN PARK - DAY
                                                            
...a clip of kids playing blind-man's bluff on playground
equiptment. One kid is walking around with his eyes closed
on the gravel. He gets near to another kid who quickly goes
down a slide. At the bottom of the slide is a zombie. The
kid screams. A quick shot of an empty swing swinging back
and forth. After eating the kid, the zombie turns around to
face a man.
                                                            
                       AWW GEESE MAN
      (Zombie comes
       after him)
Awww Geeeeeze!
                                                            
 

3.

INT. PRESIDENTIAL PRESS CONFERENCE - DAY
                                                            
                       PRESIDENT
...Some of us might not make it.
We might have to give up what
seems like an arm and a leg, but
we will persevere. Fight like
there is no tomarrow, because
there might not be. Together we
will be victorious...
                                                            
 
EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
...a quick shot of a flying saucer approaching the white
house...
                                                            
 
INT. PRESIDENTIAL PRESS CONFERENCE - DAY
                                                            
                       PRESIDENT
...in a time like this it is
important that we don't lose our
heads. Focus on the task at
hand...
                                                            
The SECURITY GUARDS looks flustered. They quickly interrupt
the PRESIDENT.
                                                            
                       PRESIDENT
      (preparing to
       leave)
Looks like they're about to drop
in on us. Well, I've got to go run
this country. Adios muchachos.
I've got less PRESSing matters to
attend to.
                                                            
The president leaves as the lights go out. There are screams
and the camera shakes. The screen flickers and then goes
completely blank. There is no sound whatsoever.
                                                            
 
EXT. BUREAUCRATS UNITED THINK TANKS INC. (BUTT INC.) - DAY
                                                            
Dramatic-action music and then there is a quick shot of the
Bureaucrats United Think Tank (BUTT) research center. Words
flow across the screen as if being typed by a type writer.
They read:

Bureaucrats United Think Tank (BUTT) Corporation
Headquarters
                                                            
 
INT. BUTT CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
                                                            
The scene changes to a conference room inside BUTT HQ. The
camera is placed so that it is looking down a long
conference table towards DR DORKENSTEIN. There are five
executives sitting at the conference table. Two on one side
of the camera, two on the other, one in front of the camera
at the head of the table. None of these executive's faces
can be seen until they shift forward to speak. The executive

4.

at the head of the table is the BUTT CEO. The room is dark.
DR DORKENSTEIN's assistant MR HANDY enters the room carrying
a stack of papers. MR HANDY trips, but the papers land on
the table.
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
      (tripping)
Glahhh! Doctor Dorkenstein, I
bring you papers like you request,
yes?
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (outrageous french
       accent)
Yez. Thank you for lending a hand
Mizter Handy.
      (starts handing
       out papers to
       executives)
Now we can get to bizness. Thiz
invazion of zombiez iz bad. It iz
so bad that all your cuztomerz
will be zombified within zeventy
-two hours unlez we act now.
                                                            
DR DORKENSTEIN pauses to look at a paper.
                                                            
                       BUTT CEO
      (grouchy voice)
If all our customers are
zombified, how will we make money?
We can't have that. No we can't.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Zis iz a queztion worth pondering,
but we have not the time now. I
have a plan to rid ze earth of ze
zombies...
                                                            
                       COLONEL MCSANDERS
      (raising hand)
Sir, I say sir! Does this plan
involve fried chicken?
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
No, I em afraid not. But zat would
be a very tazty plan, yez?
                                                            
                       COLONEL MCSANDERS
Most indubidably good sir.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Yez, my plan iz to bring back
piratez end ninjaz from ze past to
fight zees zombiez of wheech we ah
plaiged.
                                                            
                       EXECUTIVE #1
      (raising hand)
Uh, excuse me doctor. In reference
to these ninjas you are speaking
of; Will they be of the teenage
mutant turtle variety?
                                                            

5.

                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
No monsier. Zees ninjaz will be of
ze non-teenage, non-mutant,
non-turtle variety.
                                                            
                       COLONEL MCSANDERS
Shucks!
                                                            
Suddenly, a man bursts into the room. He is dressed like a
cowboy with a six-shooter in each hand. He is loud and
obnoxious.
                                                            
                       OUTLAW
      (pointing guns)
Allright you hooligans! Stick em'
up! Whoooboy! Where's the safe?
                                                            
                       BUTT CEO
I think you've got the wrong
movie.
                                                            
                       OUTLAW
      (Leaving room)
Oh sorry...
                                                            
DR DORKENSTEIN continues. He gives a paper to MR HANDY.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Here. Hand zeez illistration to ze
man.
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
      (taking paper)
I do job that you ask, yes?
                                                            
MR HANDY gives the illistration to EXECUTIVE #2. DR
DORKENSTEIN continues his speech.
                                                            
                       EXECUTIVE #1
      (seeing
       illistration)
Ah, so these ninjas will be of the
kick-ass variety.
                                                            
                       BUTT CEO
Dorkenstein, how do you plan to
control these ninjas? And the
pirates too. They must be
controlled! Right?
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Our foreign friend here will uze
hiz psychic powerz to tell ze
piratez and ninjaz what to do.
                                                            
DORKENSTEIN points to the only executive that has yet to
speak. He is actually an alien.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
What the hell? He's an alien!
                                                            

6.

                       CAPTAIN OBVIOUS (sarcastic)
      (randomly appears
       then dissapears)
Thanks for pointing that one out!
                                                            
KLUTZ pulls out his gun and points it at QUIIJO ZORT.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Earth is no place for alien scum!
You, uh....alien scum...bag!
                                                            
                       EXECUTIVE #1
      (motioning for
       KLUTZ to put his
       gun down)
Admiral, we don't even know if
this alien is of the hostile
variety.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Its a damn government conspiracy!
They're trying to turn us into
peanut butter. I know it!
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Pleeze gentlemen, theez alien iz
of no harm to you. I give you my
werd.
                                                            
                       COLONEL MCSANDERS
I bet he's made of fried chicken.
Can I eat 'em?
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
No! You muzzent eat our friend
from above. He iz a valuble part
of zeez plan to zave ze earth. We
need him.
                                                            
                       BUTT CEO
Well, Doctor. Let's hear what he's
got to say. Yes, he can speak,
right?
                                                            
Akward silence.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
It iz okay mizter Zort. Explain
yerzelf.
                                                            
                       COLONEL MCSANDERS
      (whispering to
       BUTT CEO)
Seems a little spacy to me.
                                                            
Silence.
                                                            
                       QUIIJO ZORT
      (looking at
       ceiling)
My digestive edifice is craving
peanut butter.
                                                            

7.

                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
I knew it! Did you hear that? He
likes peanut butter! Its a
conspiracy! A conspiracy!
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Pleez gentlemen. Underztand that
zeez alien will help uz.
                                                            
                       BUTT CEO
How do you know? Why should he
help us? Yes, why?
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
He happenz to like peanut butter a
lot. We give him ze peanut butter
and he will work for uz.
                                                            
                       QUIIJO ZORT (zoneing out)
      (speaking to
       himself)
In exchange for the use of my
cerebrial cortex, I am granted the
right to consume your earthly...
                                                            
QUIIJO passes out and starts snoring.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
He came all the way from another
planet and all he wants is peanut
butter? Seems suspicious...
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Yez. It iz true.
                                                            
                       BUTT CEO
Okay, fair enough, I understand
why there's an alien here, but why
is ADMIRAL KLUTZ here?
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
I plan to have Admiral Klutz here
lead zeez piratz and ninjaz into
battle.
                                                            
DORKENSTEIN points at KLUTZ.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (nodding)
Yes sir! With my training
techniques these scum bag zombies
won't know what hit em! We've got
our work cut out for us. Were
gonna blow them sky high!
                                                            
                       BUTT CEO
What do you mean?
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
We plan to uze ze piratez en
ninjaz az bait to draw them into a
nuclear miz-ile zilo which we will
zelf-deztruct in ze dezert. Klutz
haz volunteered to leed ze bait...
                                                            

8.

                       COLONEL MCSANDERS
Bait! Well I'll be! Why don't you
just use some fried chiken? It'll
work a hell of a lot better I
rekon...with that special blend of
11 herbs and spices.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Are you callin' me chicken? You
must be planin' to change us into
peanut butter...
                                                            
COLONEL MCSANDERS starts flapping his arms like a chicken in
the direction of ADMIRAL KLUTZ. ADMIRAL KLUTZ becomes very
angry.
                                                            
                       COLONEL MCSANDERS
      (taunting)
Looks like we got chicken capital
USA goin on in here.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
I'm warnin' you fly-boy.
                                                            
                       COLONEL MCSANDERS
There's chicken...and then there's
you!
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
What's wrong with you? Did the
government control your mind?
                                                            
                       COLONEL MCSANDERS
Am I too finger-lickin'-good for
you?
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (climbing onto
       table)
That's it! You and your
boarder-line copyright
infringements are goin down
McSanders!
                                                            
KLUTZ dives at MCSANDERS and they start wrestling.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (fighting)
I'll wring your scrawny little red
neck!
                                                            
                       COLONEL MCSANDERS
      (fighting)
Looks like someone ordered a
kentucky-fried ass-kickin' with a
side of mashed potoes!
                                                            
                       EXECUTIVE #1
      (trying to stop
       fighting)
Hey! This is not a club of the
fighting variety!
                                                            

9.

                       BUTT CEO
Please gentlemen, the future of
the world is at stake here.
                                                            
Suddenly, QUIIJO wakes up.
                                                            
                       QUIIJO ZORT
      (tilting head)
I reccomend you human specimens
quit your mutual violent
aggression at once.
                                                            
QUIIJO rubs his temples and MCSANDERS and KLUTZ stop
fighting. KLUTZ gets up and dusts himself off, amazed.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Sorry sir. But somebody was
getting a little too saucy.
                                                            
                       BUTT CEO
Thank you Mr. Zork. Please
continue doctor. Yes. Umhum.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Yez, With your permizon, mizter
CEO, I intend to begin ze practiz
of exporting ze piratez end ninjaz
uzing ze time machine we have
developed. I can make a hole in
time by ripping ze fabric of
zpace.
                                                            
                       BUTT CEO
Very well. BUTT will be more than
glad to lend you use of its time
hole. Yes, more than glad. Umhum.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Good, good. I will ztart right
away. Mister Handy, show zeez
perzonz where ze time hole iz
located.
                                                            
All the EXECUTIVES get up to follow MR HANDY out of the
room. MCSANDERS leaves chatting with QUIIJO.
                                                            
                       COLONEL MCSANDERS
      (approaching the
       doctor)
My good extraterrestrial, do you
have the ability to spontaneously
create fried chicken?
                                                            
QUIIJO snaps his fingers and a leg of chicken appears in
MCSANDER'S mouth.
                                                            
                       COLONEL MCSANDERS
      (getting down on
       knees)
Praise the lord! That's what I
call fast food! You are my new
hero! Move aside chick fillet cow!
                                                            
 

10.

INT. TIME MACHINE LAB - DAY
                                                            
MR HANDY leads the EXECUTIVES into an empty room with five
office chairs in it. The camera never shows the faces of the
executives.
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
      (pointing to a set
       of chairs)
Please sit. I'll signal you when
we are ready to begin operation,
yes?
                                                            
The EXECUTIVES sit down in the chair. After a few seconds of
waiting, DORKENSTEIN enters. He is carrying some type of key
pad, and is wearing goggles.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (entering room)
Mizter Handy, pleaze grab ze time
machine end bring it here.
                                                            
MR HANDY leaves the room.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Okay, I will azk you to put on
zeez pairz of glassez to shield ze
eyez from ze harmful radiazion zat
will be shooting out of ze portal.
Hopefully we won't have any
accidents like last time. Zat waz
funny but not really.
                                                            
                       BUTT CEO
Accident? Is it safe? Its got to
be safe. Yes! Uhhum.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Yez it iz safe for you. Ze problem
iz dat we did not have zufficient
time to balance ze equationz
completely. We can only tranzport
47 and one helf perzonz through ze
portal. Be careful, becauze the
machine uzes strong magnetic
fieldz to create ze vortex.
                                                            
                       BUTT CEO
Are you positive?
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Yez. Take off any jewelry pleeze.
                                                            
DORKENSTEIN brings a tray around for everyone to put jewelry
in. Each put in a couple of rings and car keys, QUIIJO puts
in a hub cap on a chain, and 8 large rings.
                                                            
                       COLONEL MCSANDERS
      (confused by
       QUIIJO's jewelry)
Great gibblet gravy!
                                                            

11.

                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Now iz ze time to put on ze
protective eyewear.
                                                            
The executives do as they are instructed.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
I muzt remind you gentlemen that
all of zeez information iz
classified. Nothing leavez zeez
room.
                                                            
MCSANDERS pulls out a note pad and is writing info down.
                                                            
                       COLONEL MCSANDERS
      (writing)

No...information....leaves....this....room.
Okay, got it. Anything else?
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Yes! Stop being such a moron!
                                                            
KLUTZ takes the pad and throws it away.
                                                            
                       COLONEL MCSANDERS
What's the matter Admiral? Got any
secret recepies you don't want me
to know?
                                                            
MR HANDY enters with a cart. On the cart is the time
machine... a bucket of fried chicken.
                                                            
                       COLONEL MCSANDERS
      (gets out of chair
       to examine bucket)
Praise the lord! Praise the lord!
                                                            
MCSANDERS picks up one of the pieces of chicken.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Mizter Handy, pleeze power up ze
time machine.
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
Of course commrade!
                                                            
MR HANDY lifts up the bucket of chicken to reveal a power
cord coming from the bucket. He plugs it into the wall.
There is a sound as the machine turns on.
                                                            
                       COLONEL MCSANDERS
A time machine consisting entirely
of fried chicken! How's it work?
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
When ze perzon teztez ze chicken,
ze cells from ze toungue make an
imprint and ze machine copies ze
DNA and zendz ze perzon'z code
through time.
                                                            
MCSANDERS takes a bite of chicken, and dissapears.
                                                            
 

12.

EXT. ANCHIENT SWAMP BEDS - DAY
                                                            
The camera changes to a scene in an ancient swamp. There are
ancient plants and animals all around. Words come across the
screen as if they are being typed:

ANCIENT SWAMP: 65 MILLION BC
                                                            
MCSANDERS suddenly appears. He stops eating his chicken to
look around a while. Suddenly, a dinosaur approaches him.
MCSANDERS glances up at it, and continues eating his chicken
nervously.
                                                            
 
INT. TIME MACHINE LAB - DAY
                                                            
Back in the lab, there is some smoke from MCSANDERS
dissapearing.
                                                            
                       BUTT CEO
What happened? Did it work? Where
are all the pirates? yes, where?
                                                            
                       QUIIJO ZORT
      (staring at floor)
Dorkenstein did not have the
proper quantity of time neccessary
to program the multi-dimensional
coordinance grid locating system
before that human specimen
foolishly consumed that biped of
chicken.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (joking)
He must have been hungry. He sure
made that chicken dissapear fast.
Hahaha!
                                                            
Nobody else laughs except QUIIJO.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
He ate so fast that he went
backwards! In time. HAHAHAHAH!
                                                            
QUIIJO laughts again, then passes out.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
He forgot to WATCH what he ate!
Hahahahah!
                                                            
Nobody laughs.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
That chicken must have been worth
the wait! Because he went back to
do it again! HAHAHAHAH!
                                                            
QUIIJO wakes up and buts in.
                                                            
                       QUIIJO ZORT
That human specimen forgot to
blortulate his zirconium
            (MORE)

13.

                       QUIIJO ZORT (cont'd)
glasposphere before he ingested
his dabblebrock! HAHAHAHAHA!
                                                            
Everybody looks at QUIIJO like he's crazy (which he is).
DORKENSTEIN decides that's enough.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Enough for now. Letz begin ze
exportazion of ze ninjaz end
piratez, okay?
                                                            
                       BUTT CEO
Yes, you've got me hooked. Let's
go.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Mizter Handy, pleaze program ze
computer for ze exportation.
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
      (moving to bucked
       of chicken)
Da commissar.
                                                            
MR HANDY flips a switch on the back of the bucket of
chicken.
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
Computer programed commissar.
                                                            
DORKENSTEIN puts on his glasses.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (signalling for
       the EXECUTIVES to
       put on their
       glasses)
Prepare for ze exportation.
                                                            
The EXECUTIVES put on their glasses. There is a faint
whining sound as the bucket of chicken begins to vibrate.
Suddenly, a pirate appears. There is a fair amount of smoke.
The whining noise stops.
                                                            
                       SCURVEY SAM
      (confused)
Yarrrr! Where be me rum?
                                                            
EXECUTIVE #1 suddenly has a bottle of rum in his hands. The
label reads, "RUM OF THE YUM VARIETY". He looks up,
surprised. SCURVEY SAM sees the rum and charges, stabbing
EXECUTIVE #1.
                                                            
                       EXECUTIVE #1
      (dying)
Ahhhh! This death is of the ironic
variety!
                                                            
KLUTZ quickly springs up and grabs SAM's sword. QUIIJO mind
controls the pirate, who stops in the middle of the room,
absolutely harmless.
                                                            

14.

                       SCURVEY SAM
      (unable to move)
I be Scurvey Sam and blast me
timbers matee. Whatcha' deserve
fer stealin' me booze.
      (to himslef)
Yarrrrr, booze and booty. Booze
and booty be the life fer me.
Yarrrr.
                                                            
                       BUTT CEO
What happened to the other
pirates? And ninjas, where are
they?
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Like I zaid mizter CEO, we
couldn't finiz ze equation zo we
couldn't get all ze piratez end
ninjaz to appear in zeez room.
We're lucky for one.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (in confusion)
Where are the rest?
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Zomewhere in ze rocky mountains.
We have ze coordinates in ze
computer. If you'll follow me, we
need to leave now. It iz time for
uz to go save ze world.
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
      (entering room)
Did someone say rule the world?
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
No, we want to zave se world.
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
      (leaves room)
Shucks!
                                                            
MISTER HANDY walks out of the room, the camera follows him.
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY (smirking)
      (plotting to
       himself)
The Rocky Mountains....excellent!
HAHAHAHAHAH!
                                                            
 

15.

EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
                                                            
The camera changes to an outdoor shot of a road in the
mountains. Text comes across the screen as if it is being
typed. It reads:

CENTRAL COLORADO

A red ninja runs onscreen. She sees a stop sign and starts
attacking it. A pirate is chasing a woman in the background.
She spreys him with pepper sprey. The pirate falls to the
ground crying.
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
      (randomly
       appearing and
       dissapearing)
This shot takes place in Central
Colorado.
                                                            
 
EXT. RUSSIAN KREMLIN - DAY
                                                            
A quick shot of the Russian Kremlin in winter. Words come
across the screen as if they are being typed:

Russian Kremlin, Moscow
                                                            
In the background infront of the Kremlin there is a sign
sprey painted "Communism Rocks", but the "Rocks" is crossed
out and replaced with "Blows" below it.
                                                            
 
INT. RUSSIAN KREMLIN - DAY
                                                            
The scene changes to the inside of the Kremlin. The camera
is in a large, lavishly decorated office. The camera slowly
moves towards the desk located in the office. On the desk is
an omnious red telephone labeled, "Omnious Red Telephone".
The name tag on the desk reads, "Trotskoli Stalinovich,
Commisar of Re-Communisimation".
                                                            
The camera never sees the man who is sitting in the chair
behind the desk, except that he is wearing a tan coat and
stroking a white cat on his lap. Suddenly, the phone rings.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (picking up phone)
Hello? How are you Mister Handy.
How's the weather. Yes, its great
here thanks for asking...
      (bipolar disorder
       kicks in)
I TOLD YOU NO MISTAKES!!! HOW DO
YOU EXPECT US TO RULE THE WORLD IF
YOU KEEP MAKING MISTAKES! @*%#!
      (calms down)
Oh. No mistakes. That's good. I'm
so sorry. Just keep up the good
work. Very good work. So the plan
is going on as....um...planned?
                                                            
A pause as MISTER HANDY explains to his boss.
                                                            

16.

                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
Yes Mister Handy you are correct.
So smart! It is time to begin plan
re-comminama, re-communarama, no,
re-communismotion, no...
      (bipolar kicking
       in)
DAMMIT!! WHO CAME UP WITH THE NAME
FOR THAT PLAN ANYWAY? IS THERE A
REASON THAT THE NAME IS SO
LONG?!?!?! ERRRRR!!
FEELING.....ANGRY!
FRUSTRATED...YERT!
      (calming down)
Sorry. So sorry. It's that one
plan where we use the zombies to
whipe out the US population so
that we can spread communism. You
know what I'm talking about,
right? That one that'll eventually
allow us to take over the world.
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
      (entering room)
Did someone say 'take over the
world'?
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (to BILL GATES)
Shhhhh! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M ON THE
BLOODY PHONE!
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
      (magically appears
       and disappears)
Remember kiddies, some of us have
yet to develope our common
sense....
                                                            
A pause.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (on phone w/
       bipolar acting up)
YES! I KNOW WE'RE NOT A COMMUNIST
STATE ANYMORE! I HAVEN'T BEEN
LIVING UNDER A ROCK ALL MY LIFE!
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO POINT THAT ONE
OUT, MORON!
                                                            
Another pause.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (recovering)
Yes, sorry, I know I'm being
contradictive. I'm just a
contadicting person. Unlike you.
You're perfect. Just get back to
work, finish the task at hand.
Don't strain yourself!
                                                            
Another pause.
                                                            

17.

                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (bipolar again)
HELL IF I KNOW! JUST GET THAT
ALIEN ON OUR SIDE! JUST DO WHAT I
SAY...DON'T ASK QUESTIONS! WHAT'S
GOTTEN IN TO YOU!?
      (pause, recovers
       again)
Oh. Sorry. You're just gonna have
to kill him or something. I really
don't know what else to tell you.
Yes! That's a brilliant idea. Now
remember Mizter Handy, the fate of
our country's future is in your
hands. Oh, and I almost forgot to
thank you for your excellent
quality of work so far. You make
an excellent mole. Yes goodbye.
Call back when you have more
fantastic news. Cheerio!
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
I hear you're in the business of
ruling the world...
                                                            
STALINOVICH hangs up the red phone, and turns his chair
towards the window, laughing hysterically in an evil way
while stroking his cat still.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
Yes, yes I am.
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
Then we can rule the world
together!
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
Yes! An ingenious idea. An
american-comunist allience to take
over America! We can't fail.
Hahahahahahahahah!
                                                            
GATES and STALINOVICH laugh their evil laughs loudly at the
same time for, like, what seems like ten minutes. The camera
uses transitions to make the laugh seem like it has been
going on for a very long time. After a while, both are
out-of breath, and just wheezing rather than laughing. They
stop to take a breath.
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
So when do I get a cat?
                                                            
 
EXT. LAKEWOOD COLORADO - DAY
                                                            
A shot of Lakewood, CO. Words come across the screen as if
typed:

LAKEWOOD, COLORADO

                                                            
 

18.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
                                                            
DORKENSTEIN is observing a regiment of pirates in formation.
He walks up and down the rows making sure his army is ready
to go. KLUTZ walks at his side.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (awaiting
       DORKENSTEIN's
       approval)
See, didn't I train them well?
They're all ready to fight to save
the world doctor! What a bunch of
fine soldiers.
                                                            
DORKENSTEIN stops walking. One of the pirates is infact
NAPOLEON.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
What iz thiz? He izn't a pirate!
He iz Nepoleon. He iz French like
me. We are too zizzy to be
piratez.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
What are you talkin' about? All he
wants to do is cut people's heads
off.
                                                            
                       NAPOLEON
      (shouting)
Off with his bloody head! Right
off with it I say!
                                                            
Dorkenstein continues walking, he pauses at another pirate,
who is actually ERNEST HEMMINGWAY.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (pointing to
       ERNEST HEMMINGWAY)
And zeez. Zeez iznt a general,
zeez iz Ernest Hemmingway, ze
writer.
                                                            
                       ERNEST HEMMINGWAY
      (drunk)
I told you (hic)....I told
you...its just a marlin
(hic)...ain't no symbol! What
is...(hic) a symbol? Are you
callin' me a symbol?...Punk?
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
What in Sam Hill happened?
                                                            
MR. HANDY comes running up with a sheet of paper in his
hands calling for DR. DORKENSTEIN.
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
Commmisar! Commisar! I point out a
mistake I found in calculations,
yes?
                                                            

19.

                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
What? Let me zee zeez paper. hand
me it pleeze.
                                                            
DORKENSTEIN looks at the paper, then looks back at KLUTZ.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Mizter Handy haz pointed out ze
problem. But I did not mezz up ze
calculationz, I'm zure of it.
Zomebody muzt have changed them
for zome reazon.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
It's that peanut-butter fanci'n
alien I say! He's been against us
all along! I knew it!
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
Da! Da! The alien did it, that
would be logical, I don't need to
point that out, its obvious, yes?
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
But why would zomebody change ze
formula, we are trying to zave ze
world.
                                                            
BILL GATES walks on screen.
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
Did someone say rule the world?
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
No, now pleeze go away mizter
Biull Gatez, we are trying to
figure out a problem.
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
      (butting in)
Really? Can I help?
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
No, zeez iz a top secret problem.
No outziderz allowed.
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
Oooooh! Top secret! Sounds
important! You sure you can't use
the help of a multi-billionare
like me?
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Did you hear the man? Get outta
here money-bags!
                                                            
                       ERNEST HEMMINGWAY (still drunk)
      (grabs BILL GATE's
       shoulder)
Hey you.....You! You (hic) still
owe me money...remember? THE bell
doesn't toll....BELLS! BELLS! STOP
THE BELLS! AHHHHH!
                                                            

20.

                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (continues
       conversation with
       DORKENSTEIN)
Seems like someone was trying to
sabatoge our plans.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Perhapz zomebody wants uz to fail
zo zat ze nation iz totally
defenceless.
                                                            
                       ERNEST HEMMINGWAY
      (still grabbing
       BILL GATES)
Across the river and into the
trees! The Trees!....(hic) you
remember don't you? Where's my
money?
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
Whoa! Take a chill pill man! I've
got no clue what you're talkin'
about!
                                                            
                       ERNEST HEMMINGWAY
      (seemingly more
       drunk than ever)
There's have or have not. Which is
it (hic) punk?....do you have it
or not? Where's my cash?
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
Dude! I don't have any cash on me.
                                                            
HEMMINGWAY produces a pistol from underneath his coat. He
aims at BILL GATES, and fires. BILL GATES just stands there,
the bullet ricochets off his glasses.
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
Wow! These bullet-proof glasses
were worth the price!
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
I know! Let's consult the oracle.
I bet she knows what happened!
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
I don't know, zat oralce lady
freakz me out a little.
                                                            
 
INT. ORACLE'S KITCHEN - DAY
                                                            
Now we are in a small kitchen. Words come across the screen
as if typed by a type writer:

THE ORACLE'S KITCHEN- SOMEWHERE IN THE MATIRIX

In the kitchen, DORKENSTEIN and the ORACLE are sitting at a
table. They are playing cards.
                                                            

21.

                       CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
      (randomly
       appearing and
       dissapearing)
This is a flashback!
                                                            
DORKENSTEIN is looking at his cards.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (thinking)
Do you have any acez?
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
No. Go fish.
                                                            
DORKENSTEIN draws some cards. It is the ORACLE's turn.
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
Do you have any fives?
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (handing the
       ORACLE two cards)
Yez, here.
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
Do you have any sevens?
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (handing cards to
       ORACLE)
Crap!
                                                            
NEO walks in the kitchen in the back ground and opens the
refridgerator.
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
      (not looking up
       from table)
Hey Neo. how's that spoon coming?
                                                            
                       NEO
      (drinking milk
       from the carton
       from the
       refridgerator)
Almost bent Miss O.
                                                            
NEO leaves the kitchen and the game continues.
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
Do you have any kings?
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN (giving cards to ORACLE)
      (angry)
Errrrr!
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
Do you have any threes?
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (handing card to
       ORACLE)
Shoot!
                                                            

22.

Upon recieving the last card, the ORACLE puts downall the
cards she has onto the table, winning the game.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (angry)
Diz iznt fair! Gaaaa!
                                                            
The ORACLE picks up a pen on the table and makes a mark on a
small slip of paper. The paper has a title, "WINS" and two
columns, "ORACLE" and "DORKENSTEIN". Under "DORKENSTEIN"
there are no marks. Under "ORACLE" there are close to a
hundred.
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
      (responding to
       DORKENSTEIN)
You're the one who wanted to play.
                                                            
 
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
                                                            
The scene shimmers out of the flashback back to where
DORKENSTEIN and KLUTZ were discussing the possibility of
attempted sabatoge.
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
      (randomly
       appearing and
       dissapearing)
Back to the present...
                                                            
Suddenly, the ORACLE comes walking by.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (sees ORACLE)
Hey! We were juzt talking about
you.
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
Yes. I know.
                                                            
                       ERNEST HEMMINGWAY
      (being annoying)
Why?
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
      (calm)
Because I'm the Oracle.
                                                            
                       ERNEST HEMMINGWAY
      (very annoying)
Why?
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
It's my job to know everything.
                                                            
                       ERNEST HEMMINGWAY
      (annoying)
Why?
                                                            

23.

                       THE ORACLE
      (starting to get
       angry)
Because I wouldn't be an Oracle if
I didn't.
                                                            
                       ERNEST HEMMINGWAY
      (annoying)
Why?
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
      (more angry)
Because the definition of an
Oracle is someone who has God-like
wisdom.
                                                            
                       ERNEST HEMMINGWAY
      (annoying)
Why?
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
      (angrier)
because without definition,
nothing would have substance!
                                                            
                       ERNEST HEMMINGWAY
      (annoying)
Why?
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
      (very angry)
Because for anything to exist, it
has to have substance.
                                                            
                       ERNEST HEMMINGWAY
      (annoying)
Why?
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
      (extremely annoyed)
ERRRRRRRRRR!
                                                            
A flash of light and beams of light shoot out from the
ORACLE'S eyes and ERNEST HEMINGWAY dissapears with a puff of
smoke.
                                                            
 
EXT. NEW YORK 1956 - DAY
                                                            
A flashback to New York in 1956. Words come across the
screen as if they are being typed:

New York- 1956

A group of men are standing on a street in sports coats.
They don't face the camera. Suddenly a puff of smoke and
ERNEST HEMMINGWAY appears behind them. He looks around for a
bit then one of the mens sees him. He gets the attention of
the other men and as they turn around you can see that they
have name tags on that say "LITERARY CRITIC".
                                                            

24.

                       LITERARY CRITIC #1
      (pointing at
       HEMMINGWAY)
There he is! Get 'em!
                                                            
                       ERNEST HEMMINGWAY
      (runs offscreen
       away from mob
       coming after him)
Uh oh. Not again.
                                                            
                       LITERARY CRITIC #2
      (running after
       HEMMINGWAY)
Bite his fingers off! All of em'!
                                                            
                       LITERARY CRITIC #1
      (running)
Let's punch his skull in!
                                                            
The MOB runs offscreen after HEMMINGWAY.
                                                            
 
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
                                                            
Back to the scene with the ORACLE and DORKENSTEIN. Somehow,
MR. HANDY has dissapeared.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Wow! A queztion you didn't know
the anzwer to.
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
No, I knew. He just bent my spoon
the wrong way one too many times.
                                                            
KLUTZ turns around to see where MR HANDY is and can't find
him.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (confused)
Hey! Where'd Mister Handy go?
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
He ran off to kidnap that alien
friend of yours.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Holy howitzers! He's been trying
to sabatoge our plans! He's the
only one who could have had acess
to the equations!
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Yez! I zee it now. How could I be
zo ztupid! What zhall we do now?
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
We need to get that alien back.
The pirates are already getting a
little rowdy.
                                                            
A quick shot of two pirates in the group behind DORKENSTEIN.

25.

One, with a hook taps on the far shoulder of the PIRATE next
to him. The PIRATE that got tapped looks to see who is
tapping his shoulder, but sees nobody.
                                                            
                       BARNACLE BILL (chuckling to himself)
      (after tapping
       PIRATE next to
       him on shoulder)
Yar har har har! Yar har har har!
                                                            
BARBACLE BILL repeats the act of mischief with the same
result. However, after several seconds of pondering the
second PIRATE finally figures it out and turns to BILL.
                                                            
                       PILLAGIN' PETE
Yar! That be you tappin' on my
shoulder, don't it?
                                                            
                       BARNACLE BILL
Blimey! No! You be walkin' down
the wrong plank Pillagin' Pete.
Yar!
                                                            
                       PILLAGIN' PETE
      (angry)
Well, nobody touches me shoulder.
Nobody. Yar!
                                                            
Suddenly BILL takes PETE's arm and touches PETE's shoulder
several times.
                                                            
                       BARNACLE BILL
Stop touchin' your shoulder! Stop
touchin' your shoulder! Stop
touchin' your shoulder! Stop
touchin' your shoulder!
                                                            
                       PILLAGIN' PETE
Yar matee! You be the one diggin'
at the wrong "x"!
                                                            
PETE slugs BILL in the face and BILL falls to the ground.
Another PIRATE approaches PETE.
                                                            
                       WOODEN LEG WILLY
Anchor's ahoy! You just sacked me
good friend Bill! Yar! WILLY
ANGRY!
                                                            
WILLY slugs PETE and the entire group of pirates turns into
a giant brawl. DORKENSTEIN is frozen in fear.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Deez izn't good! What are we going
to do now?
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Where are those kick-ass ninjas?
They can help!
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
      (pointing behind
       camera)
Over there.
                                                            

26.

The camera does a 360 degree turn to see the NINJAS sitting
in an open field, peacefully.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
What in bazookas are they doing?
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
      (randomly
       appearing)
They're meditating!
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (cheesy smile)
Thankz for pointing that out!
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
      (dissapears)
My pleasure!
                                                            
KLUTZ approaches the leader NINJA, the WHITE NINJA. As he is
about to tap on WHITE NINJA's shoulder, he finds himself
instantly surrounded by three other NINJAS. Their swords are
at his throat. He slowly backs away.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (backing away)
Okay! Alright! Take it easy! No
need to....
      (pauses for effect)
...get all wrapped up!
                                                            
One at a time the ninjas lower their swords.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
I appoligize. I didn't mean to
interrupt your great leader's
meditation, but I need to talk to
him. If you don't mind...
                                                            
                       GREEN NINJA
No no! He isn't meditating. He is
taking power nap!
                                                            
                       PINK NINJA
Yes. He will get cranky if you
wake him.
                                                            
                       BLUE NINJA
Best to talk to us. What do you
want?
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
I need your help getting the
pirates under control again. They
seemed to have jumped ship.
                                                            
                       PINK NINJA
We will help you. But you must
help us.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
What do you want?
                                                            

27.

                       GREEN NINJA
We request the food you call
peanut butter.
                                                            
Music plays for emphasis.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (to himself)
Noooo! Not peanut butter! The
conspiracy is bigger than I
thought!
      (to ninjas)
Is that all?
                                                            
                       PINK NINJA
Yes. Bring us peanut butter and
we'll get the pirates sailing in
the right direction.
                                                            
Suddenly, one of the pirates grabs KLUTZ and pulls him into
the brawl.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (trying to escape
       pirates)
Okay! Fine! You can have all the
peanut butter in the world! Just
help me!
                                                            
Suddenly the WHITE NINJA wakes. The other ninjas bow down as
he gets up.
                                                            
                       BLUE NINJA
      (seeing WHITE
       NINJA awake)
He's waking!
                                                            
                       GREEN NINJA
      (to KLUTZ)
Shield your eyes!
                                                            
                       PINK NINJA
Hit the deck!
                                                            
WHITE NINJA walks up to the PIRATE beating up KLUTZ. WHITE
NINJA gives him a stern stare and the PIRATE takes off
running.
                                                            
                       BARNACLE BILL
      (running away)
Yar! Me eyes be burnin'!
Yarharhar! The pain! It burns like
sharp sand in me eye! Yeharhar!
                                                            
KLUTZ is humbled by the power of the WHITE NINJA. He bows at
his feet.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Thank you! Thank you! You want
peanut butter? That's what you'll
get!
                                                            
Slowly, the other NINJAS rise.
                                                            

28.

                       PINK NINJA
Behold the warrior of the ages...
                                                            
                       BLUE NINJA
...king of power naps....
                                                            
                       GREEN NINJA
...least mortal of mortals!
                                                            
                       PINK NINJA
Bask in his presence!
                                                            
                       BLUE NINJA
Admire his fame!
                                                            
                       GREEN NINJA
Revel in his magnificance!
                                                            
                       PINK NINJA
The one...
                                                            
                       BLUE NINJA
..the only...
                                                            
                       GREEN NINJA
..WHITE NINJA!!!!
                                                            
Dramatic music as the white ninja steps forward. The stops
infront of KLUTZ.
                                                            
                       WHITE NINJA
      (booming voice)
RISE!!!!!
                                                            
Slowly, KLUTZ gets up.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (amazed)
Uhhhhhh....
                                                            
WHITE NINJA stares past into the distance.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (afraid and
       confused)
Hello?
                                                            
WHITE NINJA stand absolutely still with his eyes wide open.
KLUTZ turns around to see what he is looking at. All the
pirates have stopped fighting and are looking at the WHITE
NINJA.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (waving hands
       infront of WHITE
       NINJA's eyes)
Hello?
                                                            
Suddenly, the WHITE NINJA's head falls to his shoulder and
he begins to snore.
                                                            
                       PINK NINJA
He likes you!
                                                            

29.

                       BLUE NINJA
He only falls asleep in the
presence of people he trusts.
                                                            
                       GREEN NINJA
...Or doesn't feel threatened by.
                                                            
 
INT. KIDNAPPER'S HIDEOUT - DAY
                                                            
The scene opens in a dark building. In a chair, QUIIJO is
being held captive. His hands and legs are bound by rope and
duct tape. MR. HANDY walks in. QUIIJO has some sort of
restrainer on his head that is prohibiting him from
mind-controlling his captors. It has a sign on it that
reads, "ACME MIND-CONTROL PROHIBITOR"
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
Time for Mizter Handy to feed the
alien, yes?
                                                            
MR HANDY takes the duct tape off that is restricting QUIIJO
to speak.
                                                            
                       QUIIJO ZORT
This non-voluntary restraint
circumstance is causing harm to my
organic unit.
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
Well, until all zombies kill
Americans, I can't untie you
commrade.
                                                            
Suddenly, STALINOVICH and BILL GATES walk in. They are
conversing.
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
      (walking in room)
...so then I said, "If I buy you
your favorite restaraunt chain,
you've got to promise me that
you'll stop crying about Apple
deal going sour."
      (pauses)
Kids these days...
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (sees QUIIJO)
Hello mister alien. That rope is
not too tight is it? Okay great!
Now we're gonna hypnotize you, so
don't move. Great job!
                                                            
STALINOVICH pulls out an icon on a string. He swings it
infront of the alien.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (swinging icon
       back and forth)
Now you are getting sleepy...so
sleepy....
                                                            
Suddenly QUIIJO falls alseep, seemingly instantly.
                                                            

30.

                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (bipolar kicks in)
NO NO NO! SHOOT! NOW MY PLAN'S ALL
RUINED! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO
FALL ALSEEP AT ONCE! GRADUALLY!
GRADUALLY MAN! WHAT A FAILURE!
STUPID
EXXTRATERRIANAL...no...EXTRATERRESIDANT.....GAAAA!....EXTRA...EXTRA...
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
Extraterrestrial?
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (happy now)
Yes! Thank you! Great minds think
quickly! Now no sleeping mister
extra-ter-est-ri-al. The
hypnotizing only works if you
gradually fall asleep. Do you want
to try again?
                                                            
STALIMOVICH grabs the ALIEN's head with both hands.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH (bipolar)
      (shaking QUIIJO's
       head with hands)

Wakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeup!
@%*@! BLOODY HELL! NOW WHAT? I'M
SURE YOU NUMBSKULLS DON'T HAVE ANY
IDEAS!
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
      (holding up sharp
       stick)
Kommisar, perhaps if I poke him
with a sharp stick he will wake,
yes?
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH (recovered)
      (stepping back)
Oh. Good idea! What a smart man!
And a brilliant plan! Poke away
Mizter Handy.
                                                            
MR. HANDY gets set to poke.
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
In position to poke!
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (does a hand
       signal)
Commense poking!
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
      (poking QUIIJO
       with stick)
Poking commensed sir!
                                                            
Nothing seems to happen.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
Increase poking speed!
                                                            

31.

                       MR. HANDY
      (poking faster)
Pokes per minute increased
kommisar!
                                                            
Suddenly QUIIJO wakes up with a start and accidently, the
sharp stick goes in QUIIJO's eye. QUIIJO screams.
                                                            
                       QUIIJO ZORT
      (with stick in eye)
My cranial-optic relay cortex has
been compromised! Gaaaaaaaaaaa!
                                                            
BILL GATES quickly grabs the stick from MR HANDY.
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
      (holding stick
       steady)
Quick! Now is the time to get him
to do what we want him to.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (Bipolar again)
I COULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT! WHAT
A STUPID PLAN! I'LL USE IT ANYWAY!
      (to QUIIJO)
YOU! ALIEN! MAKE THE ZOMBIES KILL
THE ARMY OF PIRATES AND RESPOND TO
MY COMMANDS! MAKE THEM PROTECT US!
                                                            
QUIIJO stops squirming.
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
      (motioning with
       hands)
If you help us, I will help you by
pulling sharp stick out of eye,
yes?
                                                            
                       QUIIJO ZORT
My sentiments feel obliged to
accept your proposal. Communicate
commands to your nerve centers
quickly!
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
Right! Pull it out!
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
      (gripping stick)
Ay ay captain!
                                                            
MR HANDY helps BILL GATES pull the stick out, but the eye
comes with it.
                                                            
                       QUIIJO ZORT
The elctro-chemical signals being
transmitted to my central
processing organ are increasingly
non-beneficial!
                                                            
BILL GATES looks at the eye on the end of the stick.
                                                            

32.

                       BILL GATES
      (snearing)
Somebody could have used
bullet-proof glasses....
                                                            
STALINOVICH approaches QUIIJO.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (non-bipolar)
Now that we've kept our side of
the promise it's your turn! But
I'll have to warn you, and I do
feel sorry about this, but next
time you don't listen we won't be
harming something you have two
of...
                                                            
 
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
                                                            
Back to the street where the battle between ninjas and
pirates is still raging. DORKENSTEIN, KLUTZ, and the ORACLE
are hiding behind a bush watching the battle take place.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (looking at watch)
How much longer do you think
this'll take?
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
      (calmly)
Fourteen minutes, thirty-two
seconds.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Who'll win?
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
Ninjas.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Oh.
                                                            
A pause. Fighting contines in front of them.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
So do you-
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
Yes.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
You mean-
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
Yes. I know everything.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Are you posi-
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
Yes. Now be quiet.
                                                            

33.

                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
So movies don't have much of an
impact on you, do they?
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
No. Now shut up!
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Okay, okay. One more. What's the
answer to my next five questions?
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
Yes. No. Yes. Sixteen. Swiss
Cheese.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Cool.
                                                            
Back to the battle. NAPOLEON is trying to swing his sword at
one of the ninjas but the ninja has his hand on NAPOLEON's
head and NAPOLEON is too short to reach the ninja. He swings
his sword with a swish in the space between himself and the
ninja because he can't reach the ninja. The WHITE NINJA and
the BLUE NINJA approach a small group of pirates.
                                                            
                       WOODEN LEG WILLY
      (about white ninja)
Bloody hell mate! Its a mummie
back from the dead! He'll pull yer
ears off! Yarharhar!
                                                            
                       BLUE NINJA
      (steps between
       group of PIRATES
       and WHITE NINJA)
You've upset his majesty! You will
pay dearly!
                                                            
                       PILLAGIN' PETE (sracastic)
      (laughing)
Oh! I'm shaking in me little
pirate boots! Yarharharhar!
                                                            
Suddenly, the WHITE NINJA and the BLUE NINJA give eachother
a high five, but stay in the same position.
                                                            
                       WHITE NINJA
      (hand locked w/
       BLUE NINJA)
SUPER DRAGON HAPPY BEAM! WHITE!
                                                            
                       BLUE NINJA
      (hand locked w/
       WHITE NINJA)
SUPER DRAGON HAPPY BEAM! BLUE!
                                                            
Silence. The PIRATES start to laugh.
                                                            
                       WOODEN LEG WILLY
Cast me anchor! I'm done! Yar!
HARHARHAR!
                                                            

34.

                       BARNACLE BILL (sarcastic)
      (laughing
       hysterically)
Oh no! Not the happy beam!
Yarharharhar!
                                                            
Suddenly, there is a light coming from the joined hands of
the two NINJAS. IT grows brighter then shoots out towards
BARNACLE BILL. When it hits him, he is blown backwards. THE
WHITE and BLUE NINJAS jump out of their pose with
martial-arts-like moves.
                                                            
                       WOODEN LEG WILLY
      (speachless)
buhhhh.....buhhhh.....buhh...yar?
                                                            
The PIRATES run in the opposite direction of the NINJAS.
                                                            
                       WHITE NINJA
      (shouting to other
       NINJAS)
NINJAS! SUPER SPECIAL ATTACK
FORMATION!
                                                            
The NINJAS form into Super Special Attack Formation.
                                                            
                       SCURVEY SAM
      (running away)
Oh no! Not Super Special Attack
formation! Yar!
                                                            
The WHITE NINJA makes a signal and the NINJAS start
attacking from the Super Special Attack Formation.
                                                            
                       WHITE NINJA
      (making signal)
NINJAS ATTACK!
                                                            
                       PINK NINJA
      (lunging towards a
       pirate)
Hiya!
                                                            
                       BLUE NINJA
      (lunging towards a
       pirate)
Hiya!
                                                            
                       GREEN NINJA
      (lunging towards
       pirate)
Hiya!
                                                            
A wave of energy shoots out of the Super Special Attack
Formation and all the PIRATES fall on the ground.
                                                            
                       WOODEN LEG WILLY
      (wooden leg broken)
Yar! How will I be Wooden Leg
Willy without me leg of wood.
Blimey!
                                                            
WHITE NINJA and PINK NINJA quickly point their fingers azt
eachother.
                                                            

35.

                       WHITE NINJA
      (waving fingers at
       PINK NINJA)
Super magneto-rainbow ray white!
                                                            
                       PINK NINJA
      (waving fingers at
       WHITE NINJA)
Super magneto-rainbow ray pink!
                                                            
A pink ray shoots from PINK NINJA's fingertips towards WHITE
NINJA. A white ray shoots from WHITE NINJA's fingertips
towards PINK NINJA. The rays combine to form a light-pink
ray which shoots towards a pirate trying to get away. It
drags him to the feet of the WHITE NINJA.
                                                            
                       WHITE NINJA
      (karate pose)
Hiya!
                                                            
WHITE NINJA lunges forward towards the camera. All the
audience hears is a bunch of fighting sounds, then the
PIRATE flies back onscreen. WHITE NINJA follows in pursuit
doing summerasaults and screaming.
                                                            
                       WHITE NINJA
      (running after
       PIRATE)
Hiyayayayayay! Ayeeeeeeee!
                                                            
Suddenly, in slow motion, WOODEN LEG WILLY throws his wooden
leg. In slow-motion-matrix-style, WHITE NINJA dodges the
oncoming projectile, then keeps running after the PIRATE.
                                                            
                       WOODEN LEG WILLY (hangs head down)
      (dissapointed yar)
Yar!
                                                            
Suddenly, the PIRATE that WHITE NINJA was running after
jumps over a fence into a residential backyard. WHITE NINJA
walks up to the fence, dissapears, then appears on the other
side as if he had walked right through it. Two CITIZENS are
enjoying the day on their back porch when they see the WHITE
NINJA appear. WHITE NINJA tries to hide his sword.
                                                            
                       CITIZEN #1
      (British accent)
Cup of tea and crumpets?
                                                            
                       WHITE NINJA
      (looking in bush)
Hey, uh....did you guys see a
pirate jump in here?
                                                            
                       CITIZEN #1
      (british accent)
A pirate? You don't say?
                                                            
                       CITIZEN #2
      (British accent)
But he just did!
                                                            

36.

                       CITIZEN #1
      (british accent)
Really?
                                                            
                       CITIZEN #2
      (British accent)
Really.
                                                            
                       CITIZEN #1
      (British accent)
Ripping!
                                                            
                       CITIZEN #2
      (british accent)
Righto!
                                                            
The CITIZENS ignore WHITE NINJA. He returns to the street
where the battle is finished. THE ORACLE and DORKENSTEIn are
surveying the PIRATES who have now been put into submission.
KLUTZ is still huttled in the bush with his head between his
knees.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (sees KLUTZ in
       bush)
Itz alright mizter Klutz. Time to
come out.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (peeking out of
       bush)
Are you sure it's safe?
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
Yes. Come out now.
                                                            
KLUTZ slowly creeps out of the bush.
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
      (randomly
       appearing)
You know what's interesting about
this situation?
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
What?
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
The only one who's hiding is the
American.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Ah. I zee.
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
      (dissapears after
       he says his line)
Now that's ironic!
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
He's right.
      (to KLUTZ)
You've out-Frenched the French.
                                                            

37.

                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (mocking Oracle)
Look at me! I'm the Oracle! I make
snide remarks because I know
everything! Deeeeer!
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
I do not! I was just pointing out
something that Captain Obvious
said.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (mocking Oracle)
Oh. Captain Obvious. Sure. Now
I've got an imaginary friend to
represent my common sense or lack
there of.
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
Stop making fun of me!
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (mocking Oracle)
Oh! I'm the Oracle! I'm so big and
powerful! I give people some
candy.
      (to GREEN NINJA)
Hey you! Do you want some candy?
Well I'm too much of a jerk to
give you any so there. Bet you
didn't see that one coming, but I
did. Cause' I'm the Oracle.
                                                            
                       GREEN NINJA
Green ninja want candy!
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
      (to herself)
I'm gonna regret this...
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (moking Oracle)
I'm such an ass that I make people
bend spoons all day long with
their minds, but in reality its
really just a bunch of special...
                                                            
Suddenly, the ORACLE commands a car on the street and it
strikes KLUTZ. He flies into someone's yard.
                                                            
                       DRIVER
      (getting out of
       car)
Did I just hit somebody?
      (looks around,
       sees nothing,
       gets back in car)
Meh. Must've just been a really
big bug.
                                                            
The car drives away.
                                                            

38.

                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ (raises hand)
      (injured)
Okay. I got the picture. Thank
you. No need to furthur injure.
                                                            
WHITE NINJA approaches the ORACLE.
                                                            
                       WHITE NINJA
      (kneeling)
Great Oracle! I have....I have...
                                                            
Everyone stops what they are doing and looks at the WHITE
NINJA. Silence in anticipation.
                                                            
                       WHITE NINJA (afraid)
      (swallows)
...I have failed you!
                                                            
A gasp from everyone. PINK NINJA faints. DORKENSTEIN lowers
his head.
                                                            
                       WHITE NINJA
I'm so sorry! So sorry! I'll do
anything to make it up! Anything
at all!
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
Okay. Wait a sec...
      (signals to KLUTZ
       and DORKENSTEIN)
Group huddle!
                                                            
DORKENSTEIN and the ORACLE huddle together to make a plan.
NAPOLEON joins them.
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
      (to NAPLOEON)
What are you doing here? You're
not part of the team.
                                                            
                       NAPOLEON
      (points at KLUTZ
       still ltying in
       the yard)
I'm replacing Admiral Klutz. He's
incapacitated at the moment.
                                                            
KLUTZ is on the lawn clapping to 'Eye of the Tiger' in his
mind. He looks absolutely ridiculaous. NAPOLEON pulls out a
pen and paper pad to take notes.
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
      (turns back to
       huddle)
So he is.
      (to DORKENSTEIN)
What should we do?
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Well, you know where ze alien ez
being held az kidnappee, correct?
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
Yes. I know everything, remember?
                                                            

39.

NAPOLEON is having trouble taking notes, he breaks his
pencil.
                                                            
                       NAPOLEON
      (sudden outburst)
Shoot! I lost my point.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (confused by
       sudden outburst)
So did I! Where was I?
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
You asked about the alien...
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Yes, right. Letz go rezcue him
with the help of the ninjaz and
the piratz.
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
Any objections?
                                                            
NAPOLEON raises his hand.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
You don't have to raize your hand
Napoleon. Juzt blurt it out.
                                                            
                       NAPOLEON
Off with thier bloody heads! Right
off!
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
I like the ambition, but that
seems a little too violent for a
PG-13 movie.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Letz ztick with my plan.
                                                            
                       NAPOLEON
      (confused)
I'm stuck to what now?
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
Okay, that's a good play, I mean
plan.
      (claps hands as
       she leaves the
       huddle)
Break!
                                                            
DORKENSTEIN and the ORACLE leave the huddle. NAPOLEON just
looks at his pencil.
                                                            
                       NAPOLEON
      (thinking his
       pencil is broken
       again)
Huh?
                                                            
 

40.

INT. KIDNAPPER'S HIDEOUT - DAY
                                                            
Back in the hideout, QUIIJO is sitting in front of a large
window looking outside. The window is lined with zombies who
want in to get the fresh meat. STALINOVICH is standing
behind QUIIJO.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
Look at all those zombies. Zombies
zombies zombies. I love zombies!
There's no finer soldier than a
zombie! Well, maybe a
cyber-zombie...but my point is
that with your help I will control
them! Nobody can stop me now!
Hahahahaha!
                                                            
MR. HANDY walks in.
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
I have attracted all zombies I
could commrade! They are awaiting
command.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
Hmhmhm. Excellent! Great work Mr.
Handy! Now its your turn QUIIJO!
Tell them to attack as we agreed
upon two scenes before!
                                                            
                       QUIIJO ZORT
      (walks up to glass)
In moments these re-invigorated
deceased shall have their neural
biosystems infiltrated by my
pshychic trans-auditory mind
directions!
                                                            
Suddenly, all the zombies stop trying to get into the
building and instead turn around, all headed in the same
direction; to extinguish the ninja-pirate army.
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
The plan is complete kommisar,
yes?
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
Yes. Just as planned. Just as
planned!
                                                            
BILL GATES walks in.
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
      (walking in calmly)
So...how's the evil plan goin'?
Overheard someone say as planned.
That's good. That's good. Anything
unexpected happen yet?
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
Not yet.
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
Good.
                                                            

41.

Suddenly, QUIIJO blacks out and hits the floor. The zombies
stop walking away from the window and turn back towards it.
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
Dammit!
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (bipolar)
WHAT THE HELL? YOU NUMBSKULLS
CAN'T DO ANYTHING! WHAT AM I GOING
TO NOW? DAMMIT GUYS YOU SUCK!
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
Well sorry. We're trying our best.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (still bipolar)
THAT'S NOT ENOUGH! TRY HARDER! OR
WITH MORE ACCURACY!I HATE YOU!
                                                            
STALINOVICH runs away crying. BILL GATES holds up a hundred
dollar bill and STALINOVICH comes back.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (calm now)
Did I say hate? I meant love. I
love you. You guys make the best
team imaginable.
      (takes money)
Why thank you! You're such a great
person! You really are.
                                                            
                       MARTHA STEWART
      (coming onscreen)
Did I hear the gentle crumpling of
paper money? Oh my, I did!
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND WHY DO
YOU WANT MY MONEY? BACK OFF BITCH!
                                                            
                       MARTHA STEWART
      (waving hands
       around)
I'm just trying to liven up this
place. It needs some black, to
match your soul.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (non-bipolar)
Well, I kinda like bla-
      (becomes angry)
HEY! ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME?
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
      (randomly
       appearing and
       dissapearing)
Yes, she is!
                                                            
Suddenly, the zombies are banging on the glass.
                                                            

42.

                       BILL GATES
Oh no! They were'nt doing that
before! What do they want?
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
Throught scientific investigation
I have determined that zombie is
attracted to a fraud. Zombies
sense frauds, yes?
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
Well, I'm Legitamate. All
45...er...46 billion!
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
ME TOO! HOW DARE YOU EVEN THINK
THAT I'M A FRAUD!
                                                            
Everybone looks at MARTHA STEWART.
                                                            
                       MARTHA STEWART
A fraud? No. I'm no fraud. But
just in case I was, what would you
do to me?
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
Probly electrocution, or dipping
your fingers in acid.
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
We should put fraud outside with
zombies.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
Great idea! You're a smart one Mr.
Handy.
                                                            
 
EXT. KIDNAPPER'S HIDEOUT - DAY
                                                            
A quick shot of the window from the outside of the building.
A door opens on the side of the building and MARTHA STEWART
is thrown out.
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN OBVIOUS (zombies start to go after him when he appears)
      (randomly
       appearing and
       dissapearing)
Using my powers of process of
elimination I have have correctly
determined who the fraud was!
                                                            
Before CAPTAIN OBVIOUS dissapears, a ZOMBIE is about to bite
him. When he dissapears, the ZOMBIE bites into the air.
                                                            
                       ZOMBIE #1
      (dissapointed)
Awwww.
                                                            
 

43.

INT. KIDNAPPER'S HIDEOUT - DAY
                                                            
Back inside the hideout, BILL GATES, STALINOVICH, and MR.
HANDY are all looking out the window. The zombies have yet
to go after MARTHA STEWART.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (bipolar)
WHAT? I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! WHY
THE HELL ARE THEY NOT EATING HER?
DOES SHE KNOW SOMETHING THAT WE
DON'T?
      (shaking MR HANDY)
DOES SHE? HUH? STUPID!
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
      (getting shaked)
I don't think so! Commrade! You
are shaking my brain out of ear!
Please stop!
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
Wait. I think they don't recognize
her because she's one of them.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (calm)
She's a zombie! I knew it all
along! Great observation Mr.
Gates!
                                                            
Suddenly, QUIIJO wakes up.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
Finally, its time to get to work!
The world is waiting for us to
take it over!
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
      (poking QUIIJO
       with sharp stick)
Get to work! Or you know what'll
happen, don't you?
                                                            
                       QUIIJO ZORT
Reluctantly I am obliged to obey
your verbal mandates.
                                                            
The zombies return under the control of QUIIJO. They once
again head towards the pirate and ninja army.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
Now. What are we going to do about
our brilliant alien counterpart
here and his habit of randomly
passing out?
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
How about we poke him every five
minutes with this sharp stick.
That way he'll stay awake.
                                                            
GATES pokes QUIIJO with the sharp stick.
                                                            

44.

                       QUIIJO ZORT
      (getting poked)
Aye!
                                                            
GATES pokes him again.
                                                            
                       QUIIJO ZORT
      (getting poked)
Aye!
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
Good idea, but we'll need someone
else to do the poking because I
need both of you to help with
carrying out the rest of the plan.
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
We need someone even more
hidiously cruel than me-
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
Someone more innately evil than
me-
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
Someone with an apetite for
destruction as large as mine-
                                                            
MICHAEL MOORE and a CAMERAMAN enter.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL MOORE
      (walking onscreen)
Hey guys, I'm Michael Moore. Mind
if I ask you some questions so I
can jarble the true meanings of
your comments and replace them
with mine?
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
He's perfect-
                                                            
                       MICHAEL MOORE
      (to BILL GATES)
Alright, first question's to you,
tub of lard...
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
He's magnificant-
                                                            
                       MICHAEL MOORE
      (continuing
       question)
Okay, now this is one of those
connection questions. I'll say a
word and you say what comes first
in your mind, okay, ready?
Freaking moron...
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
He's got the job!
                                                            
                       MICHAEL MOORE
      (to BILL GATES)
What did you say? Oh, it doesn't
            (MORE)

45.

                       MICHAEL MOORE (cont'd)
matter. Can you look into the
camera and say George W. Bush?...
                                                            
BILL GATES gives the stick to MICHAEL MOORE.
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
      (to MICHAEL MOORE)
Okay, I'll make a deal with you.
If you poke this alien with this
stick until I tell you to stop,
I'll fund your next movie.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL MOORE
      (poking QUIIJO
       with stick)
Okay, deal. Did you say alien.
Because if you don't know the
government has failed to properly
manage the illegal aliens
inside...
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (starts to walk
       away)
Alright team. Let's roll.
                                                            
STALINOVICH, MR. HANDY, and BILL GATES leave the room.
MICHAEL MOORE is still talking in the background.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL MOORE
      (being ignored)
...the nation because of the
improper allocation of funds. Did
you know that the government's
budget on weapons is ...
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
      (walking away)
What about Martha Stewart?
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (walking away)
Let's make her commander of the
zombie army. I'm sure we can tempt
her with some stock options...
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
      (walking away)
There's no way I'm going to share!
                                                            
 
EXT. KIDNAPPER'S HIDEOUT - DAY
                                                            
Back outside the kidnapper's hideout. The army of Ninjas and
Pirates has arrived. KLUTZ is giving a prep speech.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (stading on crate)
All right! Listen up! In that
building are a couple of
communists, a filthy rich traitor,
and an alien. We need to rescue
the alien and capture the other
two. Understood!
                                                            

46.

A roar from the crowd. Somebody throws a graduation cap into
the air.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Listen! Listen! I've got orders
for everyone. White Ninja!?!
                                                            
                       WHITE NINJA
      (steps forward)
Awaiting orders!
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
You and the ninjas will enter the
coumpound once the security
systems have been deactivated. You
will rescue the alien and kidnap
the others!
                                                            
                       WHITE NINJA
Yes Admiral!
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Scurvey Sam!?!
                                                            
                       SCURVEY SAM
      (steps forward)
Yes capin'?
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
You and the pirates will hold off
the Zombie army that is on the
other side of the building
currently. I suggest taking out
the commander of the army first!
                                                            
                       SCURVEY SAM
Yar! Orders be recieved!
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Now, for some individual orders!
If you've recieved your orders,
move out!
                                                            
The pirate and ninja armies leave. Only a handful of
soldiers remain.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
James Bond?!?!
                                                            
                       JAMES BOND
      (british accent)
Reporting for duty sir. What'll it
be this time; Islamic terrorists
in greenland? An underwater
privately-owned nuclear silo off
the coast of Brazil? Perhaps a
rescue operation involving peace
corps officers?
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
No. Sorry James. I need you to
shut down the security systems.
                                                            

47.

                       JAMES BOND
      (british accent)
Very well. What gadgets will I be
given to complete this task;
high-tech infa-red goggles? A car
that shoots grenades out of the
tail pipes? How about a
high-tension bullet-proof tie that
doubles as a sword?
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Dorkenstein, what have you got for
the man?
                                                            
DORKENSTEIN approaches with a walkie-talkie.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (giving
       walkie-talkie to
       JAMES)
Here monseir. Ze walkie talkie.
Workz at a range up to two milez.
                                                            
                       JAMES BOND
How's it work? Does it have
retina-scanning security locks?
How about a sniper attachment? Or
a electrocution defense mechanism?
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
No. Juzt puzh zeez button here and
talk. Then we can hear you zpeak
when we are not en ze zame room
with you.
                                                            
                       JAMES BOND
Simple enough. Will there be any
young females in distress during
this mission?
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
I'm afraid not. You'll have to
tough this one out, James.
                                                            
                       JAMES BOND
This will be a challenge for me.
Very well! Goodbye Q. Goodbye
Miss. Moneypenny.
                                                            
JAMES BOND leaves to carry out his mission.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (on crate again)
Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader?
                                                            
                       LUKE SKYWALKER
      (whiny voice)
Yeah?
                                                            
                       DARTH VADER
      (deep voice)
Yes commander?
                                                            

48.

                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Luke, I need you to try and
destroy the Death Star. Vader,
you've got to defend it from Luke.
                                                            
                       LUKE SKYWALKER
      (whiny)
But he's my father! I can't kill
my father!
                                                            
                       DARTH VADER
      (deep voice)
Shut up boy! You're such a wussy!
Be a man about it! If he wants you
to kill me, that's what you'll do!
                                                            
                       LUKE SKYWALKER
      (whiny)
But dad, I don't wanna!
                                                            
                       DARTH VADER
      (deep voice)
Do you want another whuppin' boy?
                                                            
                       LUKE SKYWALKER
Alright, fine. I'll try to kill
you dad.
                                                            
                       DARTH VADER
      (deep voice)
There is no try my son. Do or do
not! Didn't you learn anything
from Yoda? He cost a lot of money
you know!
                                                            
                       LUKE SKYWALKER
Okay. I'll kill you dad.
                                                            
                       DARTH VADER
      (deep voice)
That's my boy.
                                                            
DARTH VADER and SKYWALKER draw their lightsabers and fight
until they go offscreen.
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
How did that help us?
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Its entertaining, why the hell
else?
                                                            
NAPLOEON approaches KLUTZ and pulls on his shirt because
KLUTZ is watching the lightsaber fight.
                                                            
                       NAPOLEON
What about me?
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Oh, uhh. Go get some coffee.
      (pulls five dollar
       bill out of
       wallet)
Here's a five. I want change back!
                                                            
 

49.

INT. KIDNAPPER'S HIDEOUT - DAY
                                                            
JAMES BOND has infiltrated the bad guy lair. He is creeping
slowly down a hallway keeping close to a wall. Suddenly, he
freezes. MR. HANDY and BILL GATES come walking down the
hallway. He quickly dives offscreen to find a place to hide.
MR. HANDY and BILL GATES walk by. As they walk by, BILL
GATES rises up as if he was walking over something.
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
Hmmmm. This floor seems a little
lumpy.
                                                            
After they have passed, JAMES BOND gets up and dusts himself
off.
                                                            
                       JAMES BOND
      (british accent)
Ground breaking hiding place! Good
job James!
                                                            
BOND continues down the hallway until he reaches the corner.
He peeks around the corner, then springs out gun drawn.
Nobody is there. He quickly runs down the hall, and finds
the door he is looking for. A sign on it says, "Security
System Controls: Do Not Deactivate for Risk of Robbery."
                                                            
JAMES dashes inside the room. STALINOVICH is sitting in a
chair playing solitare. JAMES quietly crouches behind a desk
so STALINOVICH can't see him.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (sudden outburst)
WHY DO I SUCK AT THIS GAME!?!? AND
MORE IMPORTANT, WHY AM I PLAYING
IT AT THIS TIME? I'M SUCH A MORON!
YOU'RE A MORON, MORON!
                                                            
STALINOVICH gets up from the chair and starts to walk out of
the room. His position comprimised, JAMES BOND quickly finds
a new hiding place, in the recently vacated chair.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (stops walking)
Hmmm. Maybe one more game, I've
got to relax somehow. After all,
its not like one game will kill
me.
                                                            
STALINOVICH sits back in the chair on top of JAMES BOND.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (sitting down)
Hmmm. This chair seems a little
lumpier than last time.
                                                            
STALINOVICH proceeds to play solitare. After a few plays, he
is stuck. JAMES quickly points out what he should do.
                                                            
                       JAMES BOND (british accent)
      (pointing with
       hand)
No. put that here, and the other
card there.
                                                            

50.

                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (sees the logic in
       the move)
Oh. Yes. I see. Thank you for the
instruction.
                                                            
STALINOVICH starts playing again as if nothing happend and
as if he didn't notice how he was sitting on top of JAMES
BOND. Suddenly, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS appears, very out-of-breath.
                                                            
                       JAMES BOND (british accent)
      (sees Captain
       Obvious)
You're a little late.
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
      (out-of-breath)
Sorry, congressional elections
were today.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (sees Captain
       Obvious)
Hey! How'd you get in here?
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
I think its pretty obvious that I
can spontaneously appear. I didn't
need to point that one out, did I?
                                                            
                       JAMES BOND
      (british accent)
Actually, I think you did.
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
Was it that obvious?
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (to CAPTAIN
       OBVIOUS)
HEY! YOU'RE TRYING TO DEACTIVATE
THE SECURITY SYSTEM, AREN'T YOU?
      (into radio)
MR. HANDY! GET TO THE SECURITY
ROOM QUICK YOU BAFOON! SOMEBODY'S
TRYIN' TO SHUT DOWN THE SECURITY
SYSTEMS!
                                                            
MR. HANDY runs in the door.
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
      (confused)
That was fast.
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
Plot hole.
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
Oh.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
GET HIM YOU AIRHEAD!
                                                            

51.

MR. HANDY dives forward to get CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, who
dissapears right in time. He reappears in the hallway,
laughing hysterically.
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
      (laughing
       hysterically)
Got'cha!
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (to Mr. HANDY)
YOU'RE NO USE MR. HANDY! I'LL GET
HIM MYSELF!
                                                            
STALINOVICH runs out of the room in pursuit of CAPTAIN
OBVIOUS. MR. HANDY follows. This leaves JAMES in the room
alone. Slowly he gets out of the chair and approaches a
keypad.
                                                            
                       JAMES BOND
      (british accent)
Now I've got to figure out the
correct combination to deactivate
the security system.
                                                            
JAMES thinks for a bit then enters in a combination. There
is a thunk and JAMES looks down at his feet. He opens a
small flap and pulls out some Duritos.
                                                            
                       JAMES BOND
      (british accent)
Well, that was the right
combination for Cool Ranch
Duritos.
                                                            
He opens the bag and starts to eat some Duritos. He is in
fact standing in front of a vending machine and not the
security control center.
                                                            
                       JAMES BOND
      (british accent)
My biggest accomplishment yet!
                                                            
Randomly, LUKE SKYWALKER and DARTH VADER enter the room,
fighting with their lightsabers. LUKE jumps up on the table,
and VADER takes a swing. LUKE jumps in the air, and VADER's
strike misses. LUKE jumps off the table towards VADER, and
swings at him, but misses, taking out the security control
center. VADER backs out of the room and down the hall, LUKE
follows.
                                                            
                       JAMES BOND
      (british accent)
Smashing!
                                                            
 
EXT. KIDNAPPER'S HIDEOUT - DAY
                                                            
MARTHA STEWARt gives the signal to attack, and the zombie
army charges forward towards the pirates. Suddenly, she
stops one of the zombies from attacking. She straightens his
shirt.
                                                            

52.

                       MARTHA STEWART
      (straightening
       zombie shirt)
Clyde! You've got a blood spot on
this shirt. Looks like we're gonna
have to get it out before it
stains. Come with me.
                                                            
                       ZOMBIE #2
      (dissapointed)
Awww.
                                                            
Meanwhile, the pirates are in full combat with the zombies.
WOODEN LEG WILLY is hobbling around on one leg, swinging his
sword randomly, cutting many zombies. Upon the second swing,
he mistakes a fellow pirate for a zombie and hacks off his
arm. The arm goes flying into the crowd of zombies who fight
over it.
                                                            
                       WOODEN LEG WILLY
      (after cutting off
       PETE's arm)
Yar. I be really sorry 'bout that
Pete!
                                                            
                       PILLAGIN' PETE
      (confused)
Yar! What you be talkin' bout
Willy?
                                                            
                       WOODEN LEG WILLY
Yar. I be talkin' bout' yer
grippin' limb.
                                                            
                       PILLAGIN' PETE
      (looking down to
       see that his arm
       is gone)
Yar. No problem my wodden-legged
matee. I've got another, just as
good as it been!
                                                            
The pirates continue to fight. SCURVEY SAM has just taken
off the head of one of the zombies. It rolls towards him. He
kicks it and it decapitates another zombie.
                                                            
                       SCURVEY SAM
Yar! This be enjoyable!
                                                            
Back to MARTHA STEWART who is trying to hold down a zombie
while getting the stain out of his clothes. The zombie is
not cooperating.
                                                            
                       MARTHA STEWART
      (trying to hold
       zombie down)
Dammit Clyde! Hold still! How can
I get this stain out if you keep
wigglin?
                                                            
                       ZOMBIE #2
      (trying to escape)
Errrrr!
                                                            

53.

Now, BARNACLE BILL is surrounded by zombies. He can't move
they are so close. One zombie grabs his hook and pulls it
off. BILL stubles backwards hitting the zombies behind him.
This starts a chain reaction, like dominos. One after
another, the zombies hit the ground. Soon, all the zombies
that were around BILL are on the ground acept the one
holding the hook. This zombie is actually the AWW GEESE MAN
who has been zombified.
                                                            
                       AWW GEESE MAN
      (zombified)
Awww geese.
                                                            
BILL slowly approaches the AWW GEESE MAN. With one quick
slash, the zombie's head comes off. It rolls on the ground.
BILL inspects the other zombies who fell down like dominoes.
They are all dead.
                                                            
                       BARNACLE BILL
      (happy)
Yar! It only takes a small fall to
kill them! Yar! No need to
decapitate!
                                                            
The rest of the pirates begin pushing the zombies over,
killing them easily. MARTHA STEWART has finished getting rid
of the stain in the zombie's clothes.
                                                            
                       MARTHA STEWART
      (letting zombie go)
See! All better!
                                                            
Suddenly, PETE slashes at towards the zombie that has just
been released by MARTHA STEWART. The zombie falls at her
feet.
                                                            
                       MARTHA STEWART
Clyde! Another blood stain!?!
Clyde?
                                                            
PETE is holding his sword at MARTHA STEWART.
                                                            
                       MARTHA STEWART
This is definately not a good
thing.
                                                            
 
INT. KIDNAPPER'S HIDEOUT - DAY
                                                            
The NINJAS and DORKENSTEIN and the ORACLE have entered the
compound. They are scanning the halls and all the rooms for
STALINOVICH or QUIIJO. BLUE NINJA gives a signal to the
other ninjas and they dissapear into hiding.
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
      (walking down
       hallway)
Now, I lost my thousand-dollar
bill somewhere around here.
      (looks around)
Maybe over here.
                                                            
GATES approaches the hiding spot of the GREEN NINJA. GATES
doesn't see the PINK NINJA approaching from behind.
                                                            

54.

                       PINK NINJA
Halt! Don't move.
                                                            
GATES turns around to face the PINK NINJA. He laughs
outloud.
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
A pink ninja! Hahaha! And I
thought I'd seen everything.
                                                            
                       PINK NINJA
Don't move or we will be forced to
release STEVE JOBS!
                                                            
A quick shot of KLUTS leading STEVE JOBS in on a leash like
a dog. he has a muzzle on and is growling at BILL GATES.
STEVE has a name tag on that lets the audience know who he
is.
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
Steve Jobs! You'll have to do
better than that! How can he
penetrate my Shield of Law!
                                                            
Several LAWYERS run onscreen and lock arms to create a
shield between GATES and the ninja.
                                                            
                       BLUE NINJA
Not the shield of law!
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
That's right! I'm too powerful to
stop now! Hahahahah! The only way
I can be defeated would be if you
knew how to defeat me! And nobody
knows everything! Hahahah!
                                                            
DORKENSTEIN turns to THE ORACLE.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Mizzez Oracle, you zaid you knew
everything. Do you know how to
defeat mizter Gatez?
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
Yes I do. We need to use a
Government Loop-Hole Ray to
penetrate his Shield of Law.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (to white ninja)
Mizter white ninja. Do you know ze
power of ze Government Loop-Hole
Ray?
                                                            
                       WHITE NINJA
Yes I do!
      (signalling to
       ninjas)
Ninjas! Red-Tape Attack Formation!
                                                            
The NINJAS form into Red-Tape Attack Formation. BILL GATES
is confused.
                                                            

55.

                       BILL GATES
What are they doing?
                                                            
                       LAWYER #1
It appears sir that they are
preparing some type of legislatory
attack formation. Should we
transform into the Flip-Flop
Forcefield?
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
Nonsense, nothing can break the
Shield Of Law!
                                                            
The NINJAS are in attack formation. WHITE NINJA is in the
center of the formation.
                                                            
                       WHITE NINJA
      (fist in air)
Government Loop-Hole Ray White!
                                                            
                       PINK NINJA
      (fist in air)
Government Loop-Hole Ray Pink!
                                                            
                       BLUE NINJA
      (fist in air)
Government Loop-Hole Ray Blue!
                                                            
                       GREEN NINJA
      (fist in air)
Government Loop-Hole Ray Green!
                                                            
Beams of light come out of the hands of the NINJAS in their
respecting colors. The light combines above the WHITE NINJA,
then shoots forward and strikes the Shield Of Law. The
LAWYERS all dissapear. BILL GATES is blinded by the light.
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
      (trying to shield
       eyes)
The light! It burns! Ahhhhhhh!
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (to KLUTZ)
Releaze mizter Jobz!
                                                            
KLUTZ releases JOBS, who runs after GATES. GATES takes off
down the hall way. Right before he turns a corner, he runs
into LUKE SKYWALKER and DARTH VADER, who are still fighting.
One stray lightsaber swing hits GATES, who loses his leg.
SKYWALKER and VADER continue fighting off screen.
                                                            
                       BILL GATES
Not my leg! How will I kick ass
without it? I'm ruined!! Ahhhhh!
                                                            
 

56.

INT. BASEMENT OF KIDNAPPER'S HIDEOUT - DAY
                                                            
QUIIJO is being held captive by MICHAEL MOORE in the
basement of the KIDNAPPER's hideout. KLUTZ and DORKENSTEIN
enter with the BLUE NINJA. MICHAEL MOORE doesn't stop poking
QUIIJO with his stick. The CAMERA MAN is filming the
newcomers attentively.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (to MICHAEL MOORE)
What are you doing?
                                                            
                       MICHAEL MOORE
Poking this alien with a sharp
stick to fund my next movie.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Can you stop?
                                                            
                       MICHAEL MOORE
I'd like to, but I can't until
Bill Gates tells me to. I made a
promise.
                                                            
                       BLUE NINJA
Please?
                                                            
                       MICHAEL MOORE
Nope. Sorry.
                                                            
DORKENSTEIN pulls a donut out from behind him.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (waving donut
       infront of MOORE)
Lookee, Lookee!
                                                            
MICHAEL MOORE stops poking immediately and stands up and
trys to reach for the donut, but DORKENSTEIN pulls it up,
out-of-reach.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
No no no!
                                                            
DORKENSTEIN chucks the donut to BLUE NINJA, who is closest
to the stairs.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (revealing a pair
       of hand-cuffs)
If you let me put your handz in
theez hand cuffz, I will let you
have ze donut.
                                                            
MICHAEL reluctantly obeys. Meanwhile, KLUTZ is untying
QUIIJO.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL MOORE
      (approaching donut)
Michael like donuts.
                                                            
MICHAEL cautiously takes the donut, suddenly, DORKENSTEIN
turns into THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST. A loud roar of wind
and a flash of light. MICHAEL is very frightened.
                                                            

57.

                       GHOST OF CHRISTMAN PAST
      (booming voice)
MICHAEL! YOU HAVE BEEN A NAUGHTY
BOY! JOIN ME AS WE JOURNEY TO THE
PAST TO DISCOVER THE ROOT OF THIS
EVIL! HOPEFULLY YOU WILL BECOME
ENLIGHTENED ENOUGH TO REVERSE
YOU'RE FOOLISH WAYS! JOIN ME OR
PARISH!
                                                            
The CAMERA MAN dissapears and turns into THE GHOST OF
CHRISTMAS FUTURE. Bright lights and some smoke.
                                                            
                       GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE
      (booming voice)
NO! JOIN ME MICHAEL! WE WILL
TRAVEL TO THE FUTURE TO SEE HOW
YOUR EVIL WAYS WILL BETRAY YOU!
COME NOW! NEVER LOOK BACK!
                                                            
MICHAEL is hesitant.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL MOORE
I think it comes down to who can
produce the most donuts,
                                                            
Another flash of light and the GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE has
a donut in his hand holding it out to MICHAEL. MICHAEL
quickly grabs it.
                                                            
                       GHOST OF CHRISTMAN PAST
      (booming voice)
WHAT!?! THAT ISN'T FAIR! I DON'T
HAVE THE POWER TO SPONTANEOUSLY
CREATE DONUTS OUT OF THIN AIR!
                                                            
                       MICHAEL MOORE
      (eating donut)
Well, then I guess you don't have
what it takes. Sorry buddy.
      (finishes eating)
All right. Let's roll!
                                                            
Another flash of light and MICHAEL and THE GHOST OF
CHRISTMAS FUTURE have dissapeared. THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS
PAST remnains, defeated. DORKENSTEIN enters the room right
as KLUTZ frees QUIIJO.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (entering room)
Ah! Zo here'z where you went. I
got lozt for a zecond.
                                                            

58.

                       GHOST OF CHRISTMAN PAST
      (booming voice)
DOES ANYBODY WANT TO VISIT THEIR
PAST TO LEARN A LESSON FROM IT,
ANYBODY?
      (pause, nobody
       says anything)
NOBODY? NOBODY AT ALL?
      (disgusted)
That's how it always is. Always to
the future, never to the past. I'm
such a loser.
                                                            
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST dissapears with a puff of smoke.
                                                            
 
EXT. GRAVEYARD - NIGHT
                                                            
THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE and MICHAEL MOORE arrive in a
spooky graveyard in the future. Words come across the screen
as if they are typed:

"Spooky Graveyard-2026"
                                                            
                       GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE
      (booming voice)
LOOK AROUND MICHAEL! THIS IS THE
FUTURE! SEE WHAT YOUR EVIL WAYS
HAVE CAUSED THE WORLD TO BECOME!
                                                            
                       MICHAEL MOORE
      (motioning with
       hand)
Hey I didn't say stop with the
donuts.
                                                            
                       GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE
      (reluctant)
OH, OKAY. BUT LISTEN UP!
                                                            
Another donut appears in the hand of the GHOST OF CHRISTMAS
FUTURE. In the back ground, LUKE SKYWALKER and DARTH VADER
are having a lightsaber fight still.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL MOORE
      (finishes donut)
You know, this future might look
more evil if I had another
donut...
                                                            
Reluctantly, the GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE obeys.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL MOORE
      (eating donut)
Yeah. Definately. This place is
teeming with evil. Yep, I can see
it now. And its all because of me,
right?
                                                            
                       GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE
      (booming voice)
PRETTY MUCH.
                                                            

59.

                       MICHAEL MOORE
      (finishes donut)
Sweet! Can I have another donut?
                                                            
 
INT. KIDNAPPER'S HIDEOUT - DAY
                                                            
DORKENSTEIN, KLUTZ, the ORACLE, and QUIIJO are standing in a
hallway. KLUTZ is examining QUIIJO's 'Acme Mind-Control
Prohibitor'. He can't seem to get it off.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (examining helmet)
Just as I thought. Rigged with
explosives!
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
I could have told you that.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
We're gonna have to find the
detonator before we take this off
his head. Its the only thing that
can deactivate it safely, right?
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
Right.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Well, where iz zeez remote zat we
need?
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
In the grasp of Mr. Handy.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
How un-convinient.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Where ez mizter Handy at zeez
moment?
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
Heading towards BUTT.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Smart man! He's trying to go back
in time to help himself, now that
he knows he'll lose for sure!
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Wait a minute. If he wantz to go
back in time, and he zucceeded,
wouldn't there be two of him now?
Because now comez after the future
where he went back in time.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Yeah! That must mean that we will
stop him because he still hasn't
been successful!
      (thinks aloud)
So in theory we don't have to do
anything, do we? Because the
            (MORE)

60.

                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ (cont'd)
future is the past, and since the
past already happened, so did the
future.
                                                            
Everybody looks at the ORACLE, who is pretending to tidy-up
her fingernails. She looks up, acting confused.
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
What now? I wasn't paying
attention.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
That's B.S. and you know it.
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
It was a rhetorical question
anyway.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Your face is a rhetorical
question!
                                                            
White beams shoot out of the ORACLE'S eyes and KLUTZ is
turned into a jar of peanut butter,
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (starts running
       down hallway)
Hey! We are waizting time! We muzt
hurry.
                                                            
QUIIJO and THE ORACLE follow.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN (didn't see KLUTZ turned into peanut butter)
      (stops)
Wait a zecond. Where iz Klutz?
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
He was getting in my hair, so...
                                                            
A quick shot of QUIIJO who is eating peanut butter from the
jar that was formally KLUTZ.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (steals half-eaten
       jar from QUIIJO)
Uh oh, this can't be good.
                                                            
 
INT. TIME MACHINE LAB - DAY
                                                            
STALINOVICH and MR HANDY burst through the door into the
room containing the time machine. STALINOVICH has a bag from
a fast food restaurant in his hands. MR HANDY is eating
french fries. As soon as they enter the room they notice
that somebody else is there. The camera turns around to find
COLONEL MCSANDERS hunched over the bucket of chicken that is
the time machine, eating as much chicken as he can.
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
      (confused)
Huh? I thought you dead, yes?
                                                            

61.

DORKENSTEIN, the ORACLE, and QUIIJO with the jar of peanut
butter step into view.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (angry)
WHAT???!!?? THIS DOESN'T MAKE
SENSE! HOW'D THEY GET HERE BEFORE
US?
      (silence)
SOMEBODY ANSWER ME BEFORE I HAVE A
STROKE!
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
Perhaps we take too long getting
fast food commisar.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
What? A waste of time? Three
hamburgers for four dollars is a
deal worth anything. Even the
chance of ruling the world!
                                                            
MR HANDY tries to take a piece of chicken from COLONEL
SANDERS, who growls in defence.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (explaining)
You zee mizter communizt. We have
uzed ze time machine to bring back
ze Colonel zo he can destroy the
time machine so that you can't uze
it!
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
      (extends hand out)
Yes. You can't win now. Give us
the controls to the detonator of
the alien's helmet.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (angry)
WHAT? YOU THINK THIS IS SOME SORT
OF GAME? WELL, I HAVEN't GIVEN UP
YET! I'VE GOT ANOTHER TRICK UP MY
SLEEVE!
                                                            
STALINOVICH reaches up his sleeve to try and pull something
out. He pulls out a slip of paper, and shows it to
DORKENSTEIN. It is a coupon to KFC. Once MCSANDERS sees it,
he stops eating.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
Free chicken for a week! Yes!
HAHAHAHAHAH! You can't stop me
now!
                                                            
                       COLONEL MCSANDERS
      (falls to knees
       infront of
       STALINOVICH)
I say my wish is granted! Holy
hashbrowns!
                                                            

62.

                       THE ORACLE
No! You can't give in! Divert your
eyes!
                                                            
                       COLONEL MCSANDERS
      (hypnotized)
Can't....too....powerful...
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (hysteric)
Zomebody do zomething! Cliche-like
if pozzible!
                                                            
                       COLONEL MCSANDERS
      (hypnotized)

Chicken....is....good....live...by...chicken....live....for..........chicken...
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
      (points at coupon)
For christ sake! The coupon's
expired!
                                                            
                       COLONEL MCSANDERS
      (becomes un
       hypnotized)
Huh?
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (pulls out gun)
Alright! That was the last straw!
                                                            
THE ORACLE pulls a box wrapped in wrapping paper from behind
her back.
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
Mr. Stalinovich, I've got a little
present for you.
                                                            
THE ORACLE hands him the box.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (drops gun as he
       is now
       preoccupied)
Why thank you, you're so kind.
                                                            
STALINOVICH begins to unwrap the present. Inside he finds an
armed bomb.
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
Now! Give us the detonator or else
the bomb will explode and we will
all die!
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
NEVER! I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL!
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
      (puts hand to
       ORACLE's face)
Talk to the hand, bitch.
                                                            

63.

                       COLONEL MCSANDERS
      (to MR. HANDY)
Sir! I say sir! I think you've
gone and burnt my bun!
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (steps between
       ORACLE and MR.
       HANDY)
Can't we all juzt get along?
                                                            
Suddenly, a police squad busts through the door. The POLICE
OFFICERS point their guns at the ORACLE, DORKENSTEIN,
MCSANDERS, STALINOVICH, QIIJO, and MR. HANDY.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER 1
      (holding up gun)
Freeze! Put your hands up! The
building is surrounded!
                                                            
STALINOVICH drops the bomb. In super slow motion,
DORKENSTEIN dives to catch it before it lands on the ground
and explodes, killing everyone.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (diving in slow
       motion)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
                                                            
DORKENSTEIN catches the bomb inches before it hits the
ground. Now DORKENSTEIN is laying on the ground, cradeling
the bomb.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (making a run for
       it)
Hasta la vista baby!
                                                            
STALINOVICH takes off towards the door, the COPS start to
shoot at him.
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
      (chanting)
Run Forest run!
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (gets hit in the
       leg)
AAAAH! I'm hit! I'm hit! Medic!
Medic!
                                                            
A MEDIC quickly runs over to help him.
                                                            
                       BATTLEFIELD MEDIC
      (examines
       STALINOVICH)
Where are were you hit soldier?
Where does it hurt?
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (lying on ground)
Here, doctor, my heart. My heart
is broken. Can you fix it?
                                                            

64.

                       BATTLEFIELD MEDIC
      (addressing wounds)
Hang in there soldier! You're
gonna be fine.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (crying)
I'm going to die, aren't I? Why
me? What have I ever done? I don't
want to die!
                                                            
                       FRUED
      (kneeling beside
       STALINOVICH all
       of a sudden)
Okay, good. Express your anger.
Releasing anger is healthy. Now
tell me about your childhood.
                                                            
DORKENSTEIN looks flustered as he examines the bomb.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (looking at timer
       on bomb)
Itz gonna blow!
                                                            
A quick shot of the timer on the bomb shows it counting down
from 12 seconds.
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
      (grabs bomb from
       DORKENSTIEIN)
Cut the blue wire, yes? Or is it
the green wire?
                                                            
Quickly, QUIIJO grabs the piece of chicken in MCSANDER'S
mouth and jams it into MR. HANDY's. The bomb gets to 5
seconds, then MR. HANDY dissapears in a puff of smoke.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER 1
      (whipes brow)
Phew, that was a close one.
                                                            
 
EXT. BERLIN-1989 - NIGHT
                                                            
A dark night, there is a crowd gathered on either side of
the Berlin Wall protesting to tear down the wall. Suddenly,
MR. HANDY appears on top of the wall with the bomb in his
hands. He looks down, the timer reads 2 seconds.
                                                            
                       MR. HANDY
      (looking very
       Russian)
Isn't this ironic?
                                                            
A huge explosion and a section of the wall crumbles to the
ground. The crowds cheer and begin furthur dismantling.
                                                            
 

65.

INT. TIME MACHINE LAB - DAY
                                                            
STALINOVICH sits up from laying on the floor. The POLICE
OFFICER is arresting him. KLUTZ has been restored by the
ORACLE to his human state.
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
      (to KLUTZ, pats
       him on back)
No hard feelings, but you're a
little nutty sometimes.
                                                            
STALINOVICH lets out a moan as the police officers are
arresting him.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (confused)
What happened? What happened to
Frued? Wha....
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER 1
      (hand cuffing
       STALINOVICH)
Come come now. You'll have pleanty
of time to talk to Frued in a nice
comfy jail cell for the rest of
your life.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (getting picked up
       off the floor)
No! I swear he was here! Didn't
you see him?
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
Nope.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Nope.
                                                            
                       TROTSKOLI STALINOVICH
      (getting escorted
       out of the room)
I'm not crazy! I'm not! Don't take
me away! I'll kill you all! I'll
get my revenge...
                                                            
An akward silence ensues.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
Well, that sure was an explosive
ending.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
Yep.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
...he sure went out with a bang!
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
um hum.
                                                            

66.

                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
...he sure got a kick out of that
chicken!
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
ok, ok, enough.
                                                            
                       QUIIJO ZORT
      (laughing
       hysterically)
His foddlesmack was do delicious
that his temptational oricfices
had alreadt relayed the
nuerochemical messages to the
central command organ before his
reactionary-matrix-membrane could
act in accordance to the
rescending numerical digits of the
ignition sequence were equivalent
to nothing!
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (confused like
       everyone else in
       the room)
Um, ok.
                                                            
The group proceeds to leave the room.
                                                            
                       DR. DORKENSTEIN
      (leaving room)
You know, we didn't get ze
detonator for ze helmet.
                                                            
                       THE ORACLE
      (leaving room)
Oh well. he'll be okay. But....
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (leaves room)
Hey! Wait a second! I'm missing
two fingers, and a liver I think!
Did somebody eat some of that
peanut butter?
                                                            
                       COLONEL MCSANDERS
      (leaving room)
....mmmmmm finger lickin' good.
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (leaving room)
Bastard! I needed that liver to
live!
                                                            
                       QUIIJO ZORT
      (leaving room)
I believe the digestive member you
are refering to is inside my
digestive orifice, would you
prefer me to return the item to
your ownership?
                                                            

67.

                       CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
      (randomly appears)
I believe partially digested
organs to not funtion as
efficiently as whole organs!
                                                            
                       ADMIRAL KLUTZ
      (outside room)
Well, in that case you can keep
it.
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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