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Number Two Ecstasy A Short Film
by David Wells (dlwells4@gmail.com)

Rated: PG   Genre: Comedy   User Review: **1/2
A plumber installs a toilet with magical healing powers.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
                                                            
It is 3:00 in the morning. DAVE, mid-40's, is on the phone
with a plumber. He is stressed. His wife, SUE, holds her
head over the kitchen sink as if she is just about to throw
up. Dave's oldest son, THOMAS, 16, sits on a chair, curled
in a fetal position, rocking back and forth. Dave's
daughter, AMY, 13, is pacing and holding her hand over her
mouth. Dave's youngest son, JACK, 5, walks around wearing a
snorkeler mask and splashes the water seeping under the
bathroom door towards Dave.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (Tense, desperate)
Can you come out now?
                                                            
                       PLUMBER
      (tired, groggy)
It's three o'clock man.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Your ad says twenty-four seven.
                                                            
                       PLUMBER
What's the problem?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Our toilet is cracked. Water is
flooding our house. My entire
family has the flu and they're
throwing up and crapping every
five minutes. I need a new
toilet, ASAP!
                                                            
                       PLUMBER
Don't you have any other
bathrooms?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Hey genius, all the other toilets
are filled to the brim. I had to
turn the water off, get it?
                                                            
                       PLUMBER
I don't have a toilet with me.
You'll have to wait until Depot
opens up, which is seven, only
four hours from now.
                                                            

2.

                       DAVE
That's too long! Don't any of your
plumber buddies have a spare?
                                                            
Jack jumps in the toilet water seeping from the bathroom and
the splashes hit Dave in the face.
                                                            
                       PLUMBER
      (mocking Dave)
Not waking up any of my "plumber
buddies." Not part of the program.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Listen, I'm desperate here. If I
see another launched turd or smell
any more hurl, I'm gonna jump. You
gotta be able to get me a toilet!
                                                            
                       PLUMBER
I gotta used one.
                                                            
                       DAVE
You're killing me!
                                                            
                       PLUMBER
It's a prototype, not even
patented yet. I'm an inventor and
hoping to get someone to test it.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Did you use it?
                                                            
                       PLUMBER
Just a couple of times to make
sure everything was okay. It's
state of the art, man.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Okay, bring it now!
                                                            
Sue starts heaving in the sink. While her head is buried and
barely visible, she lifts her hands up, turns on the faucet
with one hand and sprays anti-bacterial soap on the other
hand and continues to vomit as she cleans herself. Jack
starts making fart noises as if he is about to unload.
                                                            
                       PLUMBER
Hey, one last thing. This toilet
was designed for the elderly and
handicapped. It's got a built in
fan, hand rails, back massage
panels, adjustable bowl and an
extra padded seat. It even has a
receptacle to trap methane, state
            (MORE)

3.

                       PLUMBER (cont'd)
of the art, truly high tech, man.
Oh yeah, almost forgot to mention
the self cleaning feature
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (skeptical)
Self cleaning feature?
                                                            
Sue hears this and lifts her hand behind her head, gives a
grunt and raises a thumbs-up with her hand.
                                                            
                       PLUMBER
Oh yeah, pulverizes everything.
Chili, sliders, guacamole, you
name it, and the toilet blows
those bastard dingle berries back
to Libya. Spotless, smell-free and
best of all, you'll feel great
when you pinch one. Totally
refreshed.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (surrendering)
Spray it down and bring it over
...Now!
                                                            
                       PLUMBER
Keep your shirt on. It'll cost you
...
                                                            
                       DAVE
Now!
                                                            
Dave looks over at Thomas who is doing deep breathing almost
hyperventilating. Thomas walks to the closet, grabs a large
paper bag and places it over his head. Amy jogs slowly in
place. Sue's head continues to buried in the sink.
                                                            
                       JACK
Hey Dad, watch!
                                                            
Jack lowers his snorkel encased head to the water on the
floor and pretends he is swimming. He splashes water which
lands on Dave's exasperated face.
                                                            
 
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
                                                            
The plumber, wearing a t-shirt stating "Broken Ball Cock?
Call a Plumber not A Doctor," opens the bathroom door and
comes out.
                                                            

4.

                       PLUMBER
All set, take a look.
                                                            
The toilet is huge. A retractable step is in front, a hand
rail is on both sides. A heavily padded cushion is on the
seat. There are three buttons on one of the rails. The
family gathers around the toilet.
                                                            
                       DAVE
This a prototype? It looks like a
mutant wheelchair.
                                                            
                       PLUMBER
      (ignoring Dave)
Yep, I hope to get a patent and
ship a lot of them to nursing
homes and hospitals. You know, to
ease their pain as they wait out
their final days. It's high tech
man. Everything at your
fingertips. Plus, you'll feel
great after you use it. Takes all
the pressure away. Want me to
demonstrate?
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (sarcastically)
No, you've done so much already.
                                                            
                       PLUMBER
Yeah, I created this thing because
I lost both of my parents to
cancer.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Oh, sorry...
                                                            
                       PLUMBER
Yeah, they both got zapped in the
lower extremities. My dad got
testicular and my mother, ass
cancer...
                                                            
                       DAVE
No additional detail required,
thank you...
                                                            
                       PLUMBER
      (ignoring Dave)
Yeah, I think about that bastard
Lance Armstrong, he had only one
of his nads zapped and he was
still able to nail Cheryl Crowe.
My dad lost both nads, went
            (MORE)

5.

                       PLUMBER (cont'd)
without balls for eight months and
died. Now he's in heaven and
hopefully got his balls back. Do
you get new balls in heaven? One
only hopes ...
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (begging)
Please, can we wrap this thing up?
                                                            
                       PLUMBER
      (ignoring Dave)
And then that one-nad Armstrong
dumps Crowe right as she gets
cancer. Bastard!
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (Angry)
No more!
                                                            
                       PLUMBER
      (concluding story)
So my parents were my inspiration.
I created this throne to make it
nice and soft for people to sit
on, lose their load and feel great
after.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Got it the first, second and third
time.
                                                            
                       PLUMBER
Last thing, want me to demonstrate
how the methane receptacle works?
Though I ain't an electrician, I
wired one in to convert the
excreted gas into a pleasant
smell, sort of like tangerines.
Want me to demonstrate?
                                                            
                       DAVE
No, we won't be using that button.
                                                            
                       PLUMBER
      (sarcastic)
What, your crap don't smell? Must
be nice. Anyway, that's about it.
                                                            

6.

                       DAVE
      (sarcastic)
Okay, thanks for coming. I enjoyed
your story.
                                                            
                       PLUMBER
I knew you would. Could I give
"King Kong" a sign off, you know,
one more time for for old times
sake? I had a double cheese,
double peperoni with a dozen wings
last night.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (yelling)
Out!
                                                            
The plumber leaves. Sue pushes every one out of the bathroom
and closes the door. She makes heaving noises and then
flushes the toilet. The built in fan makes a WHIRLING sound
then SILENCE. The door opens and she has a smile on her face
and a healthy glow.
                                                            
                       SUE
      (smiling)
I feel great.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Really?
                                                            
                       SUE
Yes. First, I upchucked, which
felt good, then I hopped on that
beast and had the best diarrhea of
my life. I feel reinvigorated! I
feel hydrated! I feel awesome!
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (skeptical)
Really?
                                                            
                       SUE
Yep, I'm going into work later.
      (shouting)
Who's next? Amy, give it a whirl.
                                                            
Amy walks in the bathroom and closes the door. The toilet
FLUSHES and the fan WHIRLS. Amy leaves the bathroom looking
spectacular.
                                                            
                       AMY
Let's go out for breakfast! I'll
even order runny eggs. I feel
great! Oh yeah, dad, what is the
            (MORE)

7.

                       AMY (cont'd)
methane button for? Am I supposed
to push it?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Did you?
                                                            
                       AMY
Yes.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I guess it's okay then.
                                                            
                       SUE
Jack, your turn.
                                                            
                       DAVE
You may want to go in there with
him. He may drown in that thing.
                                                            
Sue and Jack enter the bathroom together. Prolonged silence.
Jack opens the door with a beaming smile.
                                                            
                       JACK
I didn't even poop dad. All I did
was sit on it and tooted and I'm
not sick any more.
                                                            
Thomas enters the bathroom.
                                                            
                       THOMAS
Out of the way little man.
      (closes door)
                                                            
Thomas starts to sing an upbeat song. The fan WHIRLS, the
toilet FLUSHES and Thomas opens the door. He walks toward
Dave.
                                                            
                       THOMAS
Not only do I feel better, my
complexion has cleared up, my
athlete's foot is gone and my
B-O has turned to cologne. Dad,
what's going on here? I'm calling
my friends.
                                                            
 
EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Dave pulls his car into the driveway. He gets out of the
car. There are 50 teenagers, male and female, standing in
line to enter the house. Dave rushes into the house.
                                                            

8.

                       SUE
Sue, Thomas, Amy, what's going on
here?
                                                            
Sue comes out of the kitchen and walks towards the bathroom
carrying a case of toilet paper and a large bottle of hand
soap.
                                                            
                       THOMAS
We're making some good cash here
dad. My friends' complexions have
been clearing up and Rick and Joe
no longer have S-T-D rashes.
                                                            
Dave looks toward the living room where six of the teenagers
who have used the bathroom are now sitting. All of them are
smiling. RICK and JOE point to their crotches and give Dave
a "thumbs up."
                                                            
                       THOMAS
Are they supposed to push the
methane button when they're done?
                                                            
                       DAVE
I'm not sure. How much are you
charging them?
                                                            
                       THOMAS
Twenty five bucks per load.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I want you to raise it to fifty
bucks, got it? And if they
complain, send them home.
                                                            
Thomas walks toward the teenagers in line and tells them
that the price has gone up. There is some mumbling and
complaining but they all stay in line.
                                                            
                       SUE
This could pay for college.
                                                            
                       DAVE
We may want to consider keeping it
open, 24-7. I wonder if we need a
permit for this.
                                                            
                       SUE
What do you think is happening
here?
                                                            

9.

                       DAVE
Obviously, that toilet has some
healing qualities. It may even
have the cure for cancer for all I
know. Make sure they wash their
hands when they're done.
                                                            
                       THOMAS
      (Shouting)
Dad, the t-v news guys are here
and want to interview you.
                                                            
Dave walks outside to be interviewed by reporters.
                                                            
 
EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Five reporters gather around Dave and put microphones near
his face.
                                                            
                       REPORTER #1
Mr. Williams, tell us about this
toilet.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Got it installed last night. The
plumber said it was state of the
art but I didn't know it could
cure all these ailments.
                                                            
                       REPORTER #2
How do you explain it?
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (hesitant, lying)
I'm not a scientist or a doctor,
but I think the built in fan sucks
the ailment right out of the
people that sit on it.
                                                            
                       REPORTER #1
Sounds ridiculous.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Well, do you want to give it a
try? Are you suffering from any
ailments today?
                                                            
                       REPORTER #1
I've battled with diverticulitis
and hemoroids.
                                                            

10.

                       DAVE
Well, go ahead. Drop one off.
                                                            
The reporters enter the house with cameras in tow. A
teenager opens the bathroom door looking refreshed. The
cameras zoom in on the toilet.
                                                            
                       REPORTER #1
You sure?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Absolutely, have at it.
                                                            
The reporter closes the door. There is MOANING noises
followed by happy singing of the song: IT'S RAINING MEN. The
toilet FLUSHES and the fan WHIRLS. The reporter opens the
bathroom door.
                                                            
                       REPORTER #1
I feel like a new person. I
haven't felt this good in years. I
feel about ten pounds less, no
stomach pain and most of all, no
oids. I would love to sleep on
that thing. Wow!
                                                            
                       DAVE
Told you!
                                                            
The reporters all start clamoring and trying to get in the
bathroom.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Please, one at a time.
                                                            
 
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
                                                            
Sue hangs up the phone and signals with a head movement for
Dave to come to her.
                                                            
                       DAVE
What's up?
                                                            
                       SUE
I just got off the phone with John
Goodman, you know the guy from
Roseanne. He's in town promoting
some movie and just saw the
interview with you on t-v. He's
coming over now. He's going to pay
us five thousand dollars cash to
use the toilet.
                                                            

11.

                       DAVE
Wow, okay. We'll make sure we give
him some privacy.
                                                            
 
EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
The line into the house stretches around the block. Police
are directing traffic. Ambulance paramedics are wheeling
people on gurneys toward the house. A large limousine pulls
up to the house. John Goodman (or a lookalike) steps out,
waives and enters the house.
                                                            
 
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
                                                            
John hands Dave the cash. Dave clears the house so John has
complete privacy. John enters the bathroom and closes the
door.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Good luck!
                                                            
                       JOHN GOODMAN
      (from bathroom)
Thanks man!
                                                            
 
EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
All in line gather in front of the house waiting for John
Goodman to come out. A large EXPLOSION occurs and the house
goes up in flames.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I guess I should have asked the
plumber how that damn methane
button works.
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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From Ryan Fitzgibbons Date 6/27/2006 **1/2
I was interested for almost the entire thing, however, the ending left a lot to be desired. I understand that this is supposed to be a short film but you should think about adding some more to it. Such as: the methane button has good potential but we as an audience never get into the loop about what it is/does/was designed for; and secondly, why John Goodman? Is the only reason he blows the toilet because he's overweight? As I said, interesting beginning and maybe you could rewrite the ending so that the punchline is the cause of everyone feeling better, like maybe the toilet paper that comes with it is made from Soylent Green. Anyway, just some suggestions.


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