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Four Dogs Playing Poker
by Anthony Violante (adamwest52@aol.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review:
NOT YET
RATED

ok so after a few nights (or months) of hearing stories and being in a few of my own.... i came up with this script... about 3 or 4 of the five stories are true... and not even embellished.... but anyway.. it's my very first script.. and I'm a junior in highschool, so please, i need all the input i can get. some scenes are incomplete and one is missing.... so uh, yea... please read


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FOUR DOGS PLAYING POKER

FADE IN:

INT. RYANS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
TITLE CARD: - CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
                                                            
RYAN walks into frame with a phone, he is dialing a number,
he puts the phone to his ear
                                                            
TITLE CARD: - ALLAN
                                                            
INT. ALLAN'S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
we are introduced to Allan, who is past out on his bed, the
phone rings but he dosnt pick up, and his answering machine
comes on...Allan Speaks with an Arnold Shwarzenegger accent
                                                            
                       ALLAN
      (on answering
       machine)
HELLO!! YOU HAVE REACHED
AHHNULD....I'M NOT HERE AT THE
MOMENT...
      (beat)
...BUT I'LL BE BACK!!!!!!
                                                            
we hear a loud BOOOOOP!!!
                                                            
                       RYAN
Allan....answer the phone!!!!i
know you
there.....ALLAN!!!!!!!ALLAN!!!!!!!....PICK
UP THE PHONE........ALLAN!!!
                                                            
Allan reaches over to his head to pick up his phone
                                                            
///////~SPLIT SCREEN IN~
                                                            
                       ALLAN
      (sleepy)
Hello?!?
                                                            
                       RYAN
What are you doing?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
HAVING HOT WILD SEX WITH
MADONNA!!!
                                                            

2.

                       RYAN
      (beleaving)
really?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
no asshole!, what do you want?
                                                            
                       RYAN
      (upset)
oh.....poker tonight
                                                            
                       ALLAN
what time?
                                                            
                       RYAN
seven
                                                            
                       ALLAN
that early?!?!
                                                            
                       RYAN
at night
                                                            
                       ALLAN
oh..yea....sure
                                                            
ALLAN hangs up the phone and rolls over and falls back to
sleep
                                                            
////~SPLIT SCREEN OUT~
                                                            
RYAN hangs up the phone, ponders for a beat, and calls
another number
                                                            
TITLE CARD: - SHAKER
                                                            
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
                                                            
we see an apartment that looks as if someone is moving,
there are a few boxes lying about. there is an ambiant noise
in the BG of a shower head blasting its warm H2O. a sexy
young woman wearing panties and a t-shirt walks into frame,
we meet the fare maiden HELENA
                                                            
                       HELENA
      (annoyed)
HEELLO?
                                                            
///////~SPLIT SCREEN IN~
                                                            
                       RYAN
hey HELL
                                                            

3.

                       HELENA
oh hey RYAN
                                                            
                       RYAN
is SHAKER there?
                                                            
in the backround we hear a loud SQEAK!!!
                                                            
                       SHAKER (os)
WHOA!!!!
                                                            
we hear an even lounder THUD!!!!, HELENA looks back at the
door witch the noise came from, and shakes her head in
disapointment
                                                            
                       HELENA
no he's in the shower....want me
to take a message
                                                            
HELENA picks up a post-it and a sharpie
                                                            
                       RYAN
umm... yea tell him to be at my
place at seven tonight for poker
                                                            
                       HELENA
your place, poker,
seven....kay...is that all?
                                                            
                       RYAN
yea
                                                            
                       HELENA
okay....bye
                                                            
HELENA hangs up, places the post-it on a box marked "YOUR
SHIT", then procedes to rip the phone out of the wall and
place it in another box and walks offscreen
                                                            
///////~SPLIT SCREEN OUT~
                                                            
RYAN hangs up the phone and places it on his dresser, he
takes 5 steps away and then suddenly.. the phone rings.
                                                            
TITLE CARD: - POKER JAKE
                                                            
he walks back and answers it
                                                            
                       RYAN
      (slightly confused)
Hello?
                                                            

4.

INT. JAKE'S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
/////~SPLIT SCREEN IN~
                                                            
we are introduced to JAKE, the worst and most likely the
most annoying member of the group, he is in his usual
bathrobe and sunglasses,his back is to us, as he sits in his
dirty computer chair
                                                            
                       JAKE
Whats good buddy!!!?
                                                            
                       RYAN
      (dissapointed)
oh nothing......buddy?
                                                            
                       JAKE
we playing poker tonight or did i
clean you bitches out last time
                                                            
                       RYAN
well......no theres no poker
tonight, i called the boys and
they cant make it.
                                                            
                       JAKE
damn...so what are we doing
tonight? drinkin? smoke'in pot?
cause you know i got the killer
bud
                                                            
                       RYAN
yea thats great..but WE aren't
doing anything tonight...im going
out with the girlfriend
                                                            
                       JAKE
ight...she got a sister?
                                                            
                       RYAN
umm yea but shes like three
                                                            
                       JAKE
hey as long as they got a pulse
right??
                                                            
                       RYAN
DUDE!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE
hey hey im fucking with ya , the
pulse is optional
      (in upper class
       accent)
            (MORE)

5.

                       JAKE (cont'd)
now what time shall i be over?
                                                            
                       RYAN
HER SISTERS NOT COMING OVER!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE
thats ok i dont mind sloppy
seconds
                                                            
                       RYAN
JAKE look I...
                                                            
before RYAN can finish his sentence he is cut off by a loud
voice coming from JAKE's house,(up the stairs)
                                                            
                       JAKES GRANDMA (os)
JAKE!!!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (to grandma)
WHAT!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKES GRANDMA (os)
DO YOU HAVE MY PHONE!?!?!?
                                                            
                       JAKE
YES!!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKES GRANDMA (os)
WHY DO YOU KEEP TAKING MY
PHONE!?!?!?!
                                                            
                       JAKE
JUST GET OFF MY BACK WOMAN!?!?!?!
                                                            
                       JAKES GRANDMA (os)
JESUS CHRIST
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (to RYAN)
look i gotta go the old broad is
on my ass again
                                                            
JAKE hangs up the dirty phone
                                                            
////~SPLIT SCREEN OUT~
                                                            
Ryan hangs up the phone and places it back on his dresser
                                                            

6.

                       RYAN
      (to self)
i gotta get a caller ID or
something
                                                            
he starts to walk away, he takes a few steps , stops to
think , and walks back to pick up the phone
                                                            
                       RYAN
dammit
                                                            
TITLE CARD: - FAST EDDIE + NOLAN BRYER
                                                            
INT. FRAT HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
we are dragged trough a frat house, passing its partiers in
a goodfellas-esqe fashion, we pass drunken idiots, an INDIAN
KID playing an acoustic guitar singing his heart out, girls
making out, spin the bottle players, then we get to a room
where Nolan is on a couch in the middle of two Hott
Blondes...we spin around them
                                                            
                       HOTT BLONDE
      (confused)
so i kiss her....and than
you??....
                                                            
                       NOLAN
no you kiss us both at the same
time..it's called a triple
kiss....
                                                            
                       HOTT BLONDE
      (still confused)
i dont get it
                                                            
                       NOLAN
it's not that hard...just....
start kissing her then i'll join
in
                                                            
the girls start to make out,Nolan takes it in, and then
joins them..we spin back to the door and continue through
the party....till finally we get to a back room where a man
is playing beer pong with two hot blond college freshmen
girls, he carrfully aims...and makes his shot in..we have
now met FAST EDDIE, the ladies man, mans man, man about town
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
      (Proudly)
now drink up ho!
                                                            

7.

one of the girls chugs the cup, FAST EDDIE realizes that his
phone is ringing(his ringer is the theme from "beverly hills
cop") and answers it, before he can answer it another HOTT
BLONDE snatches it from him..
                                                            
                       HOTT BLONDE
      (in a sexy voice)
hi you've reached Eddie's pants,
he's not in them right now, leave
a brief and sensual massege and
he'll get back to you at his
earliest convenience...
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
woman, give me my phone..
      (beat)
Talk to me?!?
                                                            
////~SPLIT SCREEN IN~
                                                            
                       RYAN
ED?!
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
YO!! RYAN! MY MAN!!!!
                                                            
                       RYAN
      (hears music in BG)
what the hell are you doing?!?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
BEER-PONG BITCH
                                                            
tosses ball
                                                            
                       RYAN
where the hell are you?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
i dont know,i'm with Nolan at some
frat party in new brunswick...TRI
LAM's or something....
                                                            
a black chick passes EDDIE and he slaps her ass
                                                            
                       RYAN
      (shocked)
YOUR AT A PARTY!?! WHO THE HELL IS
AT A PARTY THIS EARLY IN THE
MORNING!?!?
                                                            

8.

                       FAST EDDIE
This early in the morning?...we're
still here from monday baby
                                                            
                       RYAN
      (still shocked)
IT'S WEDNESDAY!!
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
and?
                                                            
                       RYAN
..uh well.... theres poker at my
house at seven tonight, you guys
in?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
yea we might as well, these junior
girls are getting old anyway...
                                                            
                       RYAN
      (shocked further)
YOUR AT A PARTY?!?! WITH JUNIOR
GIRLS??...FORM WHERE?!?!
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
      (looks around)
Rutgers...hey look i gotta go or
ill miss the wet t-shirt contest,
see ya tonight
                                                            
///~SPLIT SCREEN OUT~
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE (os)
NOW LET ME SEE THEM TITAYES!!!!!
                                                            
                       NOLAN (os)
YEAA...LET'S SEE UM'!!!!!
                                                            
and with that we hear a CLICK, RYAN shakes his head , tosses
the phone on the bed and walks off screen
                                                            
-OPENING CREDITS-
                                                            
 
INT. RYANS HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
TITLE CARD: - ANTICIPATION
                                                            
the credits play over this chapther
(song "debaser" by: The Pixies)
                                                            

9.

Ryan is getting ready for the big game, he showers, gets
dressed,has a bit to eat before leaving meanwhile he is
unaware that a police sketch of JAKE is on the tv with the
caption "SUBURBAN MADNESS!", Ryan leaves his house
                                                            
EXT. STREET - DAY
                                                            
Ryan tries a number of stores but they all seem to be closed
for some reason, so he decides to go to the seven-eleven.
                                                            
EXT. 7/11 - DAY
                                                            
Ryan walks up to a clerk who is, to Ryans amazement, locking
up shop
                                                            
                       RYAN
hey i though you guys were open
twentyfour hours?
                                                            
                       7/11 CLERK
      (confused at what
       seems to be a
       really stupid
       question)
not in a row?
                                                            
the clerk locks the door and walks away, Ryan stares at the
store, pondering what could be going on, then he leaves
aswell
                                                            
EXT. RYANS HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Ryan egarly waits outside his house for someone to come, the
day has no turned to night...after a while he looks
offscreen
                                                            
                       RYAN
      (looking offscreen)
well its about fucking time!
                                                            
 
EXT. RYANS HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
TITLE CARD: - THE FIRST OF MANY
                                                            
Allan enters frame, he walks up to Ryan who is sitting on
the curb infront of his house
                                                            
                       ALLAN
what?
                                                            

10.

                       RYAN
what the fuck!?! your an hour
late, i've been waiting out here
for like an hour!!
                                                            
                       ALLAN
like its a big deal, you fucking
live here, why didnt you wait
inside?
                                                            
                       RYAN
      (realizing that he
       didnt have to
       wait OUTSIDE)
shut the fuck up...lets go set up
                                                            
                       ALLAN
you didnt set anything up yet?
                                                            
                       RYAN
no, why?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
you just waited out here for an
hour, maybe more, and didnt bother
to set anything up?
                                                            
                       RYAN
no
                                                            
                       ALLAN
..just checking
                                                            
Ryan gets up and the two start to walk towards the garage
                                                            
                       ALLAN
where is everyone else?
                                                            
                       RYAN
the fuck if i know.
                                                            
                       ALLAN
so why are you bitching at me for
being late?
                                                            
                       RYAN
because you ARE late
                                                            
                       ALLAN
well seeing that everyone else
isnt here i think i'm pretty early
                                                            

11.

                       RYAN
i dont...and why are you late in
the first place?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
you wouldn't beleave me if i told
you
                                                            
                       RYAN
what happened?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
i'd rather not get into it
                                                            
                       RYAN
aw c'mon...what happened
                                                            
                       ALLAN
well you told me before that we
were playing at seven right?
                                                            
                       RYAN
yea
                                                            
                       ALLAN
ok..well.. i figured i would watch
a movie with the girlfriend,
because shes bitching that i dont
spend time with her, and she dosnt
feel well .her dad donsnt love her
you know that whole sthick. but
anyway...so are watching the movie
and she fell asleep.
                                                            
                       RYAN
how does that make you late?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
well i had my arm around her when
she fell asleep, and i couldnt get
her off
                                                            
we see glimpses of Allan trying to get his slumbering other
off his arm
                                                            
Ryan laughs
                                                            
                       ALLAN
hey, shut the fuck up ok,
                                                            
                       RYAN
how did it take you until now to
get her off of you?
                                                            

12.

                       ALLAN
well, you didnt let me finish, she
fell asleep on my arm right , and
i've been telling you about how
much her father hates me right?
                                                            
                       RYAN
he hates you
                                                            
                       ALLAN
yea, walking in on your daughter
having butt sex with a strange man
can do that to a person
                                                            
we see a flashback of a MUCSLE BOUND MAN walk into his
daughters room, where to his sheer grin, he sees Allan
having sex with his daughter
                                                            
                       RYAN
jesus!
                                                            
                       ALLAN
yea well anyway, she falls asleep
on my arm right..and now im
struggling to get her off of me..
                                                            
we see another flashback of Allan trying to get his arm
free, he tries to get leverage by pushing on his girlfriends
chest, he licks his lips as he almost gets free
                                                            
                       ALLAN
and just my luck,..her father
comes home.
                                                            
                       RYAN
oh fuck
                                                            
                       ALLAN
yea... well he walked in and saw
me with her,started screaming his
fucking head off, so i manage to
get her off of me and get the hell
out of that house.. he has been
chasing me since then, until i was
able to loose him in an ally
somewhere
                                                            
we see yet another flashback of the MUSCLE BOUND MAN walking
in to find that ALLAN has his arm around his daughter,
touching her perky breasts, and licking his lips, the man
yells and Allan finally is realeased. then we see Allan
running out the front door, followed by the MAN ,who is
carring a crow bar
                                                            

13.

Ryan laughes even harder
                                                            
                       ALLAN
hey shut the fuck up it was a
tramatic experience for me
                                                            
                       RYAN
so i guess you and her are over
huh?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
pretty much, and i think i'm
better off because that woman was
into some wierd shit
                                                            
                       RYAN
besides engaging in the lude act
of anal penetration?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
well she liked to be choked....
                                                            
                       RYAN
so?....
                                                            
                       ALLAN
and then she wants me to..
                                                            
Allan whispers into Ryans ear
                                                            
                       RYAN
WHOOOAAA!!!
                                                            
Ryan is taken aback by his friends statement
                                                            
                       RYAN
man, you know how to pick your
women.
                                                            
                       ALLAN
hey! at least i got a fucking
girlfriend mr. "my girlfriends in
canada for the summer"
                                                            
                       RYAN
her fathers a Canadian Diplomat
                                                            
                       ALLAN
yea yea yea
                                                            
the two enter the garage
                                                            
 

14.

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
TITLE CARD: - THE SETUP
                                                            
the two enter the garage and start to set up the table,
cards ,chips, etc...
                                                            
                       ALLAN
who else is playing tonight?
                                                            
                       RYAN
Shaker and Fast Eddie
                                                            
                       ALLAN
Fast Eddie!!
                                                            
                       RYAN
why not?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
he's an asshole
                                                            
                       RYAN
well there was no one else left
                                                            
                       ALLAN
what about Asain Mike?
                                                            
                       RYAN
he's bed ridden for the next 4
days
                                                            
                       ALLAN
holy shit, why?
                                                            
                       RYAN
well you know those arm and hammer
toilet wipes
                                                            
INT. ASIAN MIKE'S BATHROOM - DAY
                                                            
Mike is sitting on the john, he is reading a playboy.
                                                            
                       RYAN (vo)
well his girlfriend was always
complaining to him about skid
marks in his underwear, and she
told him about those baby wipes.
      (beat)
so he went and bought them. turns
out he put them next to the arm
and hammer toilet wipes.
                                                            

15.

                       ALLAN (vo)
ohh no
                                                            
                       RYAN (vo)
oh yea, the poor bastard reached
for the wrong box.
                                                            
Mike grabs a tiolet wipe
                                                            
EXT. ASAIN MIKE'S BATHROOM - DAY
                                                            
we hear a loud,painfull scream come from the other side of
the door
                                                            
INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
                       ALLAN
damn...
      (beat)
what about Hammer?
                                                            
                       RYAN
if we knew where he was, i would
                                                            
                       ALLAN
what do you mean?
                                                            
                       RYAN
about a week and a half ago, he
went to one of those boat parties
you know the one's with all the
beer and swing music
                                                            
                       ALLAN
uh huh
                                                            
                       RYAN
well he got totally drunk, i mean
really drunk, he was hammered. he
got around to talking to that
Hatian guy from 87th street, then
all of a sudden. he jumped ship.
and we haven't seen him since.
                                                            
                       ALLAN
holy shit...
      (beat)
well....what about Jake?
                                                            
Ryan give Allan a look
                                                            
                       RYAN
no...
                                                            

16.

                       ALLAN
why not, he's not that bad to have
around
                                                            
                       RYAN
are you kidding me? almost
everything out of the guys mouth
is the dumbest thing you will hear
all day
                                                            
INT. JAKES HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
we see jake in a different place as he says extremly dumb
things
                                                            
                       JAKE
man, i could masterbate with both
hands. thats right, im amphibious
      (beat)
bad hygene? what am i? hmm, a
scientist
                                                            
jake is in a baseball uniform, in a gym
                                                            
                       JAKE
bench? i start every game
                                                            
jake is filling out a questionaire.
                                                            
                       JAKE
marital status?!? Who am i, the
karate kid?
                                                            
jake walks into ryans house
                                                            
                       JAKE
hey! do you remember when i hooked
up with that blonde chick in your
laundry room? cause neither do
i....
                                                            
jake is standing at a printer, with Allan
                                                            
                       JAKE
CHECK INK?....
                                                            
Jake opens up the printer where the ink cartriges are
                                                            
                       JAKE
hand me that peice of paper.
                                                            
Allan hands him a page, and jake rubs it on the ink
cartridge. Allan gives him a look.
                                                            

17.

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
                       ALLAN
but...
                                                            
                       RYAN
NO!
                                                            
                       ALLAN
but c'mon man Fast Eddie
                                                            
                       RYAN
i dont care, me and Shaker refuse
to play with Jake.
                                                            
                       ALLAN
why not,is it about that time his
sister slapped him
                                                            
INT. JAKES HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
jake is playing poker with 'the boys', his sister then walks
up to him
                                                            
                       JAKE'S SISTER
hey, what are you guys doing?
                                                            
                       JAKE
Mand..Get the fuck outta
here..were playing poker!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE'S SISTER
can i play?
                                                            
                       JAKE
NO YOU CANNOT PLAY...NO LIMIT
TEXAS HOLD'UM IS A MAN'S GAME
THROUGH AND THROUGH....NO GIRLS
ALOUD!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE'S SISTER
      (walking away)
well at least i dont cum on my
bedroom walls!!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE
I STOPPED DOING THAT WEEKS AGO!!!I
ONLY JACK-OFF INTO CONDOMS NOW!!!!
AH HA!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE'S SISTER
GO TO HELL!!!!!
                                                            

18.

                       JAKE
man. one day i'll show her...I GOT
IT
      (stands up)
i'll invent the greatest ass
kicking maneuver of all time...THE
VULCAN NECK PINCH!!!!
                                                            
                       RYAN
      (to shaker)
should we say....
                                                            
                       SHAKER
no...no we should'nt
                                                            
Jake thinks......we see his sister standing there...Jake
suddenly jumps up from behind her and gives her the Vulcan
Neck Pinch...she collapses.....we then see Jake standing at
the poker game...smiling..he then snaps out of it and deals
out the cards
                                                            
in the middle of his deal his sister comes back..
                                                            
                       JAKE'S SISTER
have you seen the god damn T.V
guide dipshit?!?
                                                            
                       JAKE
THATS IT!!!!!
                                                            
Jake slams the cards down on the table, stand up, and grabs
his sisters neck...his sister then flips out and gives Jake
a big SLAP across the face..
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (teary eyed)
AAAAAGGGHH!!!!
                                                            
everyone is silent for too long of a period.....Jake then
POPS up, grabs his chair and goes after his sister..
                                                            
                       JAKE'S SISTER
AHHHHHH!!!
                                                            
she grabs the chair and they have a tug-o-war over it...jake
loses....
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (in tears)
GET OUT
                                                            
                       JAKE'S SISTER
will you calm down?....
                                                            

19.

                       JAKE
JUST GET OUT!!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE'S SISTER
what a little bitch..
                                                            
JAKE'S SISTER leaves
                                                            
INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
                       RYAN
man you should have seen him the
next day....
                                                            
                       ALLAN
why?...
                                                            
INT. JAKES HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Ryan, Jake and Shaker are sitting at the table....Ryan is
playing solitar, Shaker is reading a comic book, and Jake is
at the computer...he brakes the key-board shelf..
                                                            
                       JAKE
fuck.....
                                                            
Jake's sister then walks in...Jake jumps up
                                                            
                       JAKE
WHAT THE SHIT ARE YOU DOING
HERE!?!?!?!?....MOM SAYS YOUR NOT
ALOUD WITHIN 5 FEET OF THIS
HOUSE!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE'S SISTER
oh shut up......
                                                            
she tries to walk past jake, Jake steps in front of her and
she lightly pushes him....but he falls on his ass....
                                                            
                       JAKE
what the fuck is your problem!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE'S SISTER
i barly touched you.....
                                                            
                       JAKE
YOUR FUCKING DEAD AS A
DOORBELL!!!!
                                                            
his sister runs upstairs, Jake follows....(all the rest of
the dialouge is spoken off screen)
                                                            

20.

                       JAKE
I'LL EAT YOUR FACE OFF!!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO YOUNG
LADIES TALKING ABOUT?!?!?!
                                                            
                       JAKE
SHE BROKE THE KEYBOARD SHELF
THING!!!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
SHE WHAT!!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE'S SISTER
HE'S LIEING!!
                                                            
                       JAKE
OK OK I BROKE IT....BUT DONT
WORRY.....I'LL MAKE YOU A NEW ONE
IN SHOP CLASS...
                                                            
                       JAKE'S SISTER
YOU COULD'NT EVEN NAIL TWO PEICES
OF WOOD TOGETHER YOU FUCKING
RETARD!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE
YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE'S SISTER
WHAT ARE YOU GUNNA DO ABOUT IT YOU
FREAKING PUSSY?!?!?!?!?
                                                            
                       JAKE
I'LL KILL YOU, YOU DEMON SLUT FROM
THE SEVENTH LAYER OF HELL!!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE'S SISTER
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
HEY!!!!
                                                            
we hear lots and lots of loud noises from upstairs
                                                            
                       SHAKER
do you think we should.....
                                                            
                       RYAN
yea...let's get the fuck outta
here
                                                            

21.

they leave....
                                                            
EXT. STREET - DAY
                                                            
Ryan and Shaker are walking down the street, improving a
conversation about what just happend, they go on for a
little while, until the camera pans out and we see Jake
walking beside them..his face is beet red, and his eyes are
glassy... Shaker looks over and see's the horrible sight
                                                            
                       SHAKER
JAKE?!?!?!
                                                            
Ryan looks over and is SHOCKED.....
                                                            
                       JAKE
where did you guys go?!?!? i said
i'd be right back...i just went to
get pizza bagels
                                                            
Jake hold's up the box..
                                                            
                       RYAN
uh...no were gunna be going....
                                                            
                       JAKE
but why....? you guys don't like
pizza bagels?
                                                            
                       SHAKER
no...we do...it's just too hostile
of an enviroment...
                                                            
                       JAKE
is it because i ran up the stairs
to loud?!?
                                                            
                       RYAN
no man....look it's not a big
deal...we'll just be going to my
house..
                                                            
                       JAKE
can i come?
                                                            
                       RYAN
well i dont know ma.....
                                                            
                       JAKE
GREAT....i'll bring the bagels!!!
                                                            

22.

INT. RYANS HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
the boys are sitting on a couch.....silent...jake is still
red
                                                            
                       JAKE
man!!whats the matter with you
stiffs?!?!?...
                                                            
Shaker and Ryan flash him a look
                                                            
                       JAKE
i know....i'll fire up the bagels
                                                            
Jake grabs the box of bagels, and runs to the kitchen
                                                            
TITLE CARD - 45 SECONDS LATER
                                                            
jake comes down the stairs with a plate filled with pizza
bagels
                                                            
                       JAKE
ok good buddies....dig in!!!
                                                            
we see the plate of disgusting pizza bagels
                                                            
                       RYAN
how long did you put them in for?
                                                            
                       JAKE
the vernaglia standard!!thirty
seconds
                                                            
                       RYAN
uhh...i think you under cooked
them by like 5 minutes
                                                            
                       JAKE
HOGWASH!!!this is how me and my
uncle eat them all the time
                                                            
jake starts to eat the disgusting pizza bagels...Ryan and
Shaker give a look of disgust..
                                                            
FREEZE FRAME
                                                            
INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
                       ALLAN
jesus.....
                                                            

23.

                       RYAN
yea....and beleave it or not,
that's not why he isnt playing
tonight
                                                            
                       ALLAN
well then why the hell are'nt we
playing with jake...or at his
house for that matter
                                                            
                       RYAN
you didnt hear what happend from
Shaker?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
no why...
                                                            
                       RYAN
you didnt hear about his last
episode
                                                            
                       ALLAN
"episode"
                                                            
                       RYAN
yea i'll explain.. remember when
you couldnt play two weeks ago
because you went down the shore?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
yea
                                                            
                       RYAN
ok well we needed a fourth person,
so we had to use Jakes sister
                                                            
                       ALLAN
YOU REPLACED ME WITH HER?!?!?
                                                            
                       RYAN
we had no choice it was a last
minite decesion
                                                            
                       ALLAN
yea but his fucking sister
                                                            
                       RYAN
well anyway... we were sitting at
the poker table...
                                                            

24.

INT. JAKES ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
there are four people sitting at a poker table, going
clockwise, Ryan, Jake (in a white poker sweat suit), Shaker,
and Jakes sister. they are playing a hand of no limit texas
hold'um
                                                            
                       RYAN (vo)
...right, and Jake is fucking
loosing chips left and right, and
all to his sister no less
                                                            
                       ALLAN (vo)
i guess he was pissed you guys
made her play huh?
                                                            
                       RYAN (vo)
we didnt make her do anything , it
was jakes idea, anyway...Jake is
loosing all his money to his
sister right, till finnally he
gets a monster hand, and goes all
in
                                                            
Jake pushes the little amount of chips he has into the pot,
and his sister call's him....jake starts to twitch
                                                            
                       RYAN (vo)
now me and shaker fold right, but
his sister calls witch did nothing
but piss him off further...you
know how when he loses he starts
that whol twitching thing
                                                            
                       ALLAN (vo)
how bad was it that night?
                                                            
                       RYAN (vo)
well, let's just say that it made
the time he did it when he lost to
my cousin RICKY from Rockaway,
look like he was just streching
his neck
                                                            
                       ALLAN (vo)
wow...thats pretty bad..
                                                            
                       RYAN (vo)
tell me about it...anyway....
                                                            
the two of them flip over there cards, Jakes sister shows
pocket 2d2s , and Jake show the juggernaut of a hand AdAh's
                                                            

25.

the flop is dealt, 2h Ac 10s, Jake jumps up form his seat
with joy
                                                            
Jake starts taunting his sister with hand jestures
                                                            
the turn is dealt, Kd, jake is even happier
                                                            
                       JAKE
ive been waiting all my life for
this moment...ADMIT DEAFEAT
Bitch!!!
                                                            
then finally the river is dealt, 2c
                                                            
                       JAKE
AHAHAHA OH YES BABY!!!! YOU SEE
THAT BITCH!!! FULL HOUSE... BOATS
FULL, WHU!!!!
                                                            
Jake makes a pumping motion with his arm and sits down,he
goes to collect the chips but his sister stops him, shows
him her hand, and takes the chips...jake then reaches for a
stack of his sisters chips..she smacks his hand away.....
                                                            
                       JAKE'S SISTER
what the hell do you think your
doing.?!?!?
                                                            
                       JAKE
awe c'mon. i give you money all
the time!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE'S SISTER
no you don't....im not giving you
any more money from now on.!!!i'd
rather give a complete stranger my
money!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE
c'mon!!!BLOOD IS THICKER THAN
STRANGERS!!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE'S SISTER
NO!!!!!!!
                                                            
we see jake...PISSED, jakes "flip out" music plays
("comanche" by the Revels)
                                                            
FREEZE FRAME
                                                            
                       RYAN (vo)
and that did it
                                                            

26.

                       ALLAN (vo)
did what?
                                                            
                       RYAN (vo)
Drove him over the edge
                                                            
Jake dives across the table, tackles his sister and starts
to choke her while Ryan and Shaker try to pry him off, a few
moments pass and Jakes uncle runs down the stairs
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
WHAT THE SHIT DO YOU THINK YOUR
DOING?!?!?!ARE YOU FUCKED IN THE
BRAIN YOU COCK GRABBIN
FLYBOY!!!!!!
                                                            
Jakes uncle joins Ryan and Shaker in prying jake off
                                                            
INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
                       ALLAN
then what?
                                                            
                       RYAN
well we eventually got him off his
sister, and then he went in the
laundry room and cried for aobut
two hours
                                                            
                       ALLAN
how much was the pot worth?
                                                            
                       RYAN
about four dollars and change
                                                            
                       ALLAN
ok, no more games with Jake
                                                            
FADE OUT
                                                            
 
INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
TITLE CARD: - BOXING HELENA
                                                            
FADE IN
                                                            
Ryan and Allan are sitting at the table
                                                            
                       RYAN
impossible!
                                                            

27.

                       ALLAN
why is it so hard to beleave?
                                                            
                       RYAN
because it's ridiculous! the Fonz
was not a constant masterbater..
                                                            
                       ALLAN
just think about it....he could do
anything with that wrist, turn on
the jukebox,turn on lights, open
and close a cabinet, i mean the
man can do anything with that
thing
                                                            
                       RYAN
but he was always surrounded by
women..
                                                            
                       ALLAN
prudes
                                                            
                       RYAN
oh c'mon....he was elbow deep in
pussy.
                                                            
                       ALLAN
women back then never gave it up,
sure a few did, and those are the
only one's we hear about making it
seem like there were tons of them.
sure the fonz got
laid...sometimes, and thats why
cunningham and gang all looked up
to him...ecept potzie, he was fag.
                                                            
                       RYAN
get the fuck out of here.
                                                            
                       ALLAN
im right, trust me on this one
                                                            
                       RYAN
Potzie wasn't gay... he was just
misunderstood
                                                            
                       ALLAN
oh he was understood alright...by
guys....alot of celebrities are
gay Fabio, Shatner
                                                            

28.

                       RYAN
Star Trek William Shatner?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
uh huh,Piazza,Spader,Oprah,Snipes,
Hopper, Spacey,Cruise, Queen
Latifa
                                                            
                       RYAN
Queen latifa
                                                            
                       ALLAN
total dyke
                                                            
                       RYAN
what!?!
                                                            
                       ALLAN
my cousin works security at the
airport, he said that he saw her
with her girlfriend, and that they
paid him to take pictures of them
in erotic poses...
                                                            
                       RYAN
well i think your cousin needs to
get his head examined
                                                            
                       ALLAN
he had the pictures, i saw them,
and let me tell you, they would
even get Elton John hard
      (beat)
man they were really going at it,
all moaning and shit
                                                            
Allan makes rude gestures via body language
                                                            
                       RYAN
alirght i get the idea already
      (beat)
...and where are these pictures,
the internet?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
well sadly no there not, they made
him sign a waver so he cant
distribute them...but they will be
as soon as her career starts to
plumet like an asteroid bent on
destroying the planet..witch will
be in about 5 months. same thing
with Cameron Diaz, Paris Hilton, i
mean did you know there was a
            (MORE)

29.

                       ALLAN (cont'd)
paris hilton before the tapes?
                                                            
                       RYAN
no
                                                            
                       ALLAN
exactly, sex tapes came out, and
BAM!!....instant career, it wont
be long before she's in playboy,
and you can quote me on that.
      (beat)
that reminds me. did you hear
about Rob
                                                            
                       RYAN
what happened?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
the government came in and took
his computer away
                                                            
                       RYAN
for what?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
get this...for having to much
downloaded porn on his computer
                                                            
                       RYAN
      (shocked)
Was it downloaded illegaly??
                                                            
                       ALLAN
No!!! it was perfectly legal, 18
years or older pornography. i
guess he had too much
      (beat)
man imagine, how much porn must
you have to have for the
government to come in and take
your computer away.....you'd have
to be the porn king or
something...
                                                            

30.

INT. ROB'S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
three F.B.I agents stand outside his house, they count off,
and then run into the house, they walk thorugh a few rooms
until they reach a closed door (techno music plays in the
room), they prepare to go in the room. THEY BURST IN!!! and
we see a teenager in a computer chair, in his underwear,
with a hard on masterbating..... he spins around in his
chair, when he see's the agents there, gun drawn, he stops
masturbating....there is a short pause....and he ejaculates
into the air....
                                                            
in the next shot, Rob is sitting on his bed, with 2 FBI
agents standing infront of him..the third is standing by the
window and the computer. he looks at the other two agents,
they nod, and he picks up the computer and throws it out the
window...he brushes off his hands and the agents walk away,
Rob is ashamed
                                                            
INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
                       RYAN
      (laughing)
your fucking lying
                                                            
                       ALLAN
      (laughing aswell)
i swear, i cant make that shit up
                                                            
                       RYAN
jesus christ....
      (beat)
who would have thought all-star
basketball player Robert Nito was
such a porn freak
                                                            
                       ALLAN
yea.....that also reminds me... me
and Shaker were driving through
Newark, right and...
                                                            
                       RYAN
Shaker and I were driving through
Newark
                                                            
                       ALLAN
i'm trying to tell a story and
your correcting my grammer?,
                                                            
                       RYAN
i'm just saying
                                                            

31.

                       ALLAN
well anyway, Shaker and I were
driving through Newark..
                                                            
INT. SHAKERS CAR - NIGHT
                                                            
Shaker and Allan are driving thru Newark,
                                                            
                       SHAKER
i can never understand why women
turn like this....
                                                            
he pretends to turn like a woman(palm up)
                                                            
                       ALLAN
to much ball carrying?
                                                            
as they drive they have to drive thru a basketball game,
Shaker honks the horn,the players move out of the way, but
one player bounces the ball off of the door.
                                                            
                       SHAKER
WHOA watch it you fucking
prick!!!!!!
                                                            
they pass the crowd and Shaker notices that the same baller
is about to throw the ball at the car, he then pops the
trunk, stops the car suddenly, the ball flys into the trunk,
when it does, he speeds away closing the trunk, the ballers
yell!!!
                                                            
INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
                       RYAN
bullshit
                                                            
                       ALLAN
Whats bullshit?
                                                            
                       RYAN
bullshit
                                                            
                       ALLAN
i swear
                                                            
                       RYAN
BULLSHIT!
                                                            
                       ALLAN
wanna bet?
                                                            
                       RYAN
name it..
                                                            

32.

                       ALLAN
ten bucks..
                                                            
Allan slams a ten onto the table
                                                            
                       RYAN
your on..
                                                            
Ryans slams a ten onto the table
                                                            
they look at each other until they hear a KNOCK at the door,
Ryan walks over to asnwer it and it is Shaker, rubbing his
neck
                                                            
                       ALLAN
speak of the devil..
                                                            
                       SHAKER
yo..
                                                            
                       RYAN
ok now why are you late?
                                                            
                       SHAKER
fell in the shower
                                                            
                       RYAN
what do you mean?!? fell in the
shower
                                                            
                       SHAKER
well i was taking a shower, and i
fell
                                                            
                       RYAN
how?
                                                            
                       SHAKER
there was no bathmat
                                                            
                       RYAN
why was there no bathmat?
                                                            
                       SHAKER
well, me and the succubus are
separating..
                                                            
                       RYAN
separating?!?
                                                            

33.

                       SHAKER
yea..well she is moving out, and
with her she is taking everything
she brought..
                                                            
                       RYAN
everything?
                                                            
                       SHAKER
everything..including the
bathmate, before i could realize
it, i slipped and blacked out,
when i woke up, the place was
empty, all that was there was my
clothes with a note saying that
you called for poker, so i put on
some clothes and came here
                                                            
Shaker sees the money on the table
                                                            
                       SHAKER
what's with the money? you start
without me?
                                                            
                       RYAN
oh yea me and Allan here are
having a little bet
                                                            
                       SHAKER
on what?
                                                            
                       RYAN
did that thing really happen with
you and him in Newark?
                                                            
                       SHAKER
Hell yea, i still got the ball in
my car
                                                            
                       RYAN
dammit
                                                            
                       ALLAN
what did i tell you?
                                                            
Allan scoops up the money
                                                            
                       SHAKER
so who else is playing tonight?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
      (upset)
Fast Eddie and Nolan
                                                            

34.

there is a somewhat akward silence, Ryan tries to change the
subject
                                                            
                       ALLAN
so what happend with Helena?
                                                            
there is a KNOCK at the door
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE (os)
open up bitches!!!!!
                                                            
Ryan answers the door, revealing a post-party Fast Eddie
                                                            
                       RYAN
now why are you late
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
you ever read the "dear penthouse"
letters? the one with the V.W bus
of cheerleaders?something about a
pearl necklace....
                                                            
                       RYAN
what the hell are you talking
about?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
      (pinching Ryans
       checks)
hey, if i wanted your opinion, i'd
take my dick out of your mouth
                                                            
he approaches the table
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
      (to Allan and
       Shaker)
well if it isn't Dean Martin and
the five card stud
                                                            
                       ALLAN
what?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
      (waves off Allan)
ahhh.....so what are you asscocks
talking about?
                                                            
                       RYAN
about Shaker's girl leaving him
                                                            

35.

                       FAST EDDIE
bitches eh? can't live with them,
cant ship them off to canada..am i
right?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
she even say why she was leaving?
                                                            
                       SHAKER
she said it's because i ruined all
of her future orgasms..and that
leaving me would not only benifit
her clit but also her libido.
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
you know, to ruin all of her
'future' orgasms, you would have
to give her one to begin with
                                                            
                       SHAKER
fuck you
                                                            
                       ALLAN
how did you ruin her orgasms?
                                                            
                       SHAKER
well, one night we were getting a
little, frisky. she wanted me to
chase her around right. and well i
was wearing socks
                                                            
                       RYAN
what does that have to do with
anything
                                                            
                       SHAKER
let me finish, so she ran into the
bedroom, told me to wait outside.
so i waited for a few seconds, she
told me to come in and when i did
man oh man, she was spread eagle
on the bed, naked, candles,
tassles, the works right.
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
      (grabbing groin)
whoa slow down, your making me
hard
                                                            
                       SHAKER
tell me about it, so she tells me
to eat her out right, so i go down
and when i start to lick her clit,
            (MORE)

36.

                       SHAKER (cont'd)
then all of a sudden, bam! she
jumps up screaming
                                                            
                       RYAN
it was that good?
                                                            
                       SHAKER
yea i wish,
                                                            
                       ALLAN
so then why did she scream?
                                                            
                       SHAKER
well remember when you asked what
the socks have to do with the
story?
      (beat)
when i was chasing her around, i
built up enough static electricity
with my socks rubbing agaisnt the
carpet that as soon as my tounge
came in contact with her,
                                                            
                       ALLAN
THATS IMPOSSIBLE
                                                            
                       SHAKER
tell that to her nulled sex organs
                                                            
                       RYAN
is that why she's leaving
                                                            
                       SHAKER
well that and she meet someone
else, she met him at the doctors
office, he had the same problem as
her,only is involved hot sauce
they saw it as fate. i think his
name was Hanz or something, a
lifeguard
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
shit!!! some kinky bikini wearing
fuckhole is hit'in your chick
                                                            
                       SHAKER
she started to pack her shit two
days ago
                                                            
                       ALLAN
what did she make out with?
                                                            

37.

                       FAST EDDIE
besides the french lifeguard?
                                                            
                       SHAKER
shut the fuck up, like you never
had girl troubles
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
fuck no, only bad experince i had
was a gay party
                                                            
                       RYAN
by gay you mean bad?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
no by gay i mean it was like the a
fucking G.L.A.A.D
convention...only there were no
fucking girls, and by no girls i
dont mean no straight girls,
because even if there wernt i
still could have enjoyed watching
two twenty three year old funky
ac/dc macromastic catamenia-free
cherry's foot fuck one another or
something, but alas there were NO
FEMALES..it was the ultimate high
school helmet party....
                                                            
INT. SAUSAGE FEST - NIGHT
                                                            
Fast Eddie walks into the house,as he walks to the bar to
get a drink,he passes Bears, men in leather,Drag Queens,
etc.
                                                            
INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
                       ALLAN
so why the fuck did you stay?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
i though the girls were late
                                                            
                       SHAKER
what?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
that and a pirate kept buying me
drinks
                                                            
                       RYAN
a pirate
                                                            

38.

                       FAST EDDIE
i think he was, he had and
eyepatch
                                                            
INT. SAUSAGE FEST - NIGHT
                                                            
a man with an eypatch, short shorts, and roller skates hands
Fast Eddie a drink, Fast Eddie looks around and notices that
he is at a party by men, for men, just men
                                                            
INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
then it hit me...this was a
fucking gay bar
                                                            
                       RYAN
so then what did you do?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
what do you think? i got the fuck
outta dodge, i went to another
party, eh straight party, then
made like sisco and unleashed the
dragon
                                                            
INT. SAUSAGE FEST - NIGHT
                                                            
Fast Eddie is half naked singing and dancing with the pirate
                                                            
INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
                       SHAKER
bullshit
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
well at least im not being left
for some fucking grape smuggler
                                                            
                       SHAKER
am i the one who was left for
another woman?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
ahhhh
                                                            
                       ALLAN
whats he talking about
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
it's nothing
                                                            

39.

                       ALLAN
no cmon
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
it's really nothing, i hooked up
with this girl
                                                            
                       SHAKER
and one week later
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
jesus your a ball-breaker
                                                            
                       RYAN
one week later what?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
i hooked up with her and one week
later she.....
                                                            
                       SHAKER
here it comes
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
she got a girlfriend
                                                            
                       RYAN
WHAT!?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
she's a lesbian now, what about
it?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
wow that sucks for you
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
how does it suck for me?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
well , you turned her
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
, i didnt turn shit, ok, we wernt
together long enough for it to be
my fault, i wasnt an abusive
boyfriend or an asshole
                                                            
                       SHAKER
well..
                                                            

40.

                       FAST EDDIE
      (points to shaker)
dont you fucking start.....we were
only together for one night, if
anything i should be happy
                                                            
                       RYAN
why?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
well i hooked up with a lesbian
                                                            
                       RYAN
but she wasnt a lesbian when you
two got good
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
well, they say that if your a gay,
your born that way, so she was
funky before i even met her.
                                                            
                       ALLAN
so what did you think when you
found out?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
i didnt really think anything of
it, until i found out who her
girlfriend was
                                                            
                       SHAKER
oh how could i forget about that,
it's my favirote part.
                                                            
                       ALLAN
why who was it? "Amtrack" Amy?
                                                            
                       RYAN
yea, or "Moaning" Megan?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
yea i wish, at least then i'd have
a shot a a three-way...
                                                            
                       RYAN
then who?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
"Holland Tunnel" Holly
                                                            

41.

                       ALLAN
how the hell did that happen? i
thought she was strickly dickly
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
      (makes penetrating
       gestures with his
       hands)
yea and im only gunna stick the
head in
                                                            
                       RYAN
how the hell did they meet?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
i guess they were together...got
very drunk...started makeing out,
sooner or later they were dining
at the Y... and i guess they hit
it off..
                                                            
                       RYAN
man i would've liked to be a fly
on the wall for that one...
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
yea you and the rest of northern
new jersey
                                                            
                       ALLAN
man, "Holland tunnel" Holly...i
bet she has more notches on her
bedpost than all of us combined,
you'd lose count if you tried to
name ALL of her partners
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
she would need another fucking bed
                                                            
                       SHAKER
just one?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
man what i would give to have a
night with her
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
      (to allan)
dude, i wouldn't fuck her with
your dick if shaker was pushing
it. ok
                                                            

42.

                       RYAN
so is she bi, or a full blown dyke
now?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
who holly?
                                                            
                       RYAN
no Queen Latifa, yes Holly!
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
i dont think so...Nolan hooked up
with her last night
                                                            
                       ALLAN
how the hell did he pull that off
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
it's not some big feat, even
Shaker hear can talk her into a
blowjob
                                                            
                       RYAN
wait....where is Nolan
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
well.....
                                                            
INT. PARTY-NIGHT
                                                            
Nolan and Fast Eddie are talking to two french girls on a
couch
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE (vo)
after the 3rd K-Y wrestling match
we ended up talking to two of
these hott french broads..
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
      (checks his watch)
agh shit, Nolan man, we gotta get
going, it's almost seven thirty..
                                                            
                       FRENCH GIRL 1
cmon, cant you stay for just a
little longer?
                                                            
                       NOLAN
sorry girls, I would really like
to stay here and fling skittles at
your asses all night, but alas we
are men of action, and must take
our leave
                                                            

43.

                       FRENCH GIRL 1
aw c'mon you cant leave...
                                                            
FRENCH GIRL 1 starts to heavly make out with NOLAN. she
whispers something sexy into his ear. they get up and enter
the closet. NOLAN gives FAST EDDIE a look
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
and we were about to leave but
nolan wanted to lay a little
something down before we left. so
i figured ahh what the hell, it's
a party. so i mingle with this
broad from across the room to idle
away the time
                                                            
We CUT to Fast Eddie talking to some guy....
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
so Huey Lewis is pissing off the
golden gate bridge.... and he says
" man the water's cold today, and
deep to!"....
                                                            
the guy stares at him.....and we see fast eddie chatting
with a few othew partiers.. and finnally we cut to him on
the couch alone...drinking a cold one. and we shit a SPANISH
GIRL walk into the room.... and she is fuck'in pissed...
freeze on her looking around
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
and now its really only been like
20 minutes... and you guys now
about this girl from Norht Bergen
he was seeing? the spanish one
                                                            
                       RYAN (vo)
yea...what was her name... Diana
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE (vo)
yea "Deepthroat" Diana.. well she
shows up.. and she is looking
fucking pissed
                                                            
resume... she still looks around... fast eddie turns to see
her and he turn away quickly to try and aviod her...but no
use.
                                                            
                       DIANA
EDWARD!!!
                                                            

44.

                       FAST EDDIE
      (to himself)
fuck...
      (to diana)
Oh Hey!... the lady in red.. come
have a seat..
                                                            
                       DIANA
Don'y give me that shit where's
Nolan
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
what do you mea...
                                                            
we see her yelling and pointing at Fast eddie...
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE (vo)
and as it turned out.. she found
out that Nolan was seeing her
friend Megan
                                                            
                       ALLAN (vo)
Moan'in Megan?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE (vo)
yep...Megan got drunk and poured
her heart out to her... so Diana
did some investigating and found
out he was at this party...
                                                            
                       DIANA
      (finishing her
       yelling)
Now where the fuck is he?!?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
he went home.... he said he was
going to myrtle beach for a week
or so...i can tell him you were
looking for him if i talk to hi...
                                                            
just then a DRUNK PARTIER comes up and wraps his arm around
Fast Eddie
                                                            
                       DRUNK GUY
yo man... i cant believ Nolan
pulled a fucking hat trick last
night... .and to top it of he
scores another with that
brunette...
                                                            

45.

                       FAST EDDIE
what the fuck are you talking
about...
                                                            
                       DRUNK GUY
I'm talking about Nolan going into
the closet with that girl... i
just hope he dosnt pull out and
jzz all over my coat....
                                                            
fast eddie turns back to diana...mouth agape.....
                                                            
                       DRUNK GUY
cause i love that fucking coat
man....
                                                            
Diana walks away furious and walks to the closet... she puts
her hand on the door knob and we FREEZE
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE (vo)
and now to understand what's about
to happen i have to
explain...Nolan was getting a
blowjob from the french girl and
his back was towards the
jackets...so that would mean that
the girl had her back to the door
right?
                                                            
                       RYAN (vo)
right...
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
ok and the french girls feet were
proped up agaisnt the door for
balance.... so thats how they are
in the closet.... and for some
reason, i have no clue why... the
closet door swung in and not
out...
                                                            
Diana pushes the door in..we see a shot of fast eddie
standing facing the closet with a look of grimace on his
face.. and we hear a painfull yell...
                                                            
                       NOLAN (os)
FUCK!
                                                            
Eddie covers his open mouth with his hand...and we FREEZE
again
                                                            

46.

                       FAST EDDIE (vo)
so what happened was the door
opened, pushing the girls feet
forward..and this caused her to
jump....thus
                                                            
INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
      (con't)
causeing her to bite down harder
than the iceman himself..
                                                            
Eddie bites down like ICEMAN from TOP GUN. and the rest of
the guys have pained expressions on there faces
                                                            
                       ALLAN
where the hell is he now?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
home icing down his cock...ya
know i though she bit the thing
right off... but god bless him he
got one strong muscle...
                                                            
(SCENE UNFINISHED)
                                                            
 
INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
FADE IN
                                                            
TITLE CARD: THE KING
                                                            
Ryan, Allan, and Fast Eddie are sitting at the table
                                                            
                       RYAN
do any of you guys remeber the
story about that cop who got
kicked off the beat?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
witch one?
                                                            
                       RYAN
it was like a year ago?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
i dont know
                                                            
                       ALLAN
i do, why?
                                                            

47.

                       RYAN
well i never really got the whole
story
                                                            
                       ALLAN
well its not much of a story
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
so? tell the fucking thing!
                                                            
                       ALLAN
alright...well there was this cop
                                                            
EXT. THE BEAT - DAY
                                                            
Special 1 is in his car, a muslem is in a sports car,
revving his engine, blowing black smoke onto the hood of the
specials car.
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 1
(mumbles profanities under his
breath)
                                                            
Special 1 suddenly gets out of his car, approaches the
muslum, rips him out of the car and bends him infront of his
own exhaust. He then goes into the sports car and starts to
revv the engine, giving the Muslum a face full of black
smoke
                                                            
INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
                       ALLAN
after that they sent him to edicit
classes. and when he failed out by
peeing on the teacher, they
demoted him to the lowest form of
law enforcement
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
CROSSING GUARD?!?!?!...because
there really low on the ladder
                                                            
                       ALLAN
lower....
                                                            
                       RYAN
whats lower than that?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
they made him.....a special
                                                            
Ryan and Fast Eddie are taken back a little
                                                            

48.

                       FAST EDDIE
no fucking way
                                                            
                       ALLAN
yes fucking way, hes been there
ever since....now will you deal
out the fucking cards
                                                            
Ryan starts to deal out the cards
                                                            
                       SHAKER (os)
A FUCKING GRAPE SMUGGLER FOR
CHRIST SAKE!!!!!!
                                                            
EXT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
Shaker is on his cell, with Helena
                                                            
                       SHAKER
.(improvises a conversation).
                                                            
INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
they have finished the hand, Fast Eddie and Ryan flip over
there cards
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
Flush, 10 high
                                                            
                       RYAN
full boat, aces over fives
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
      (reaches for chips)
YES
                                                            
                       RYAN
the hell you doing?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
taking what's mine bitch
                                                            
                       RYAN
The fuck are you talkin about?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
flush beats a full house
                                                            
                       RYAN
noo full house beats a flush
                                                            

49.

                       FAST EDDIE
no it doesn't, you narc
                                                            
the two start arguing until Allan stands up
                                                            
                       ALLAN
hey!!!!!
                                                            
both stare at him with blank expressions
                                                            
                       ALLAN
lets take this to the king
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
      (confused)
the who?
                                                            
EXT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
as the 3 are walking out of the garage, they pass Shaker,
Ryan gives him a "what are you doing?" look
                                                            
                       SHAKER
bitch put me on hold
                                                            
as the 3 continue on they're way to the house, ryan explains
who the king is.
                                                            
                       RYAN
his real name was, Craig Mercury,
he was a high roller back in the
day, until he lost all his money
and then some to the irish mob, so
he made an instructional video on
texas holdem in order to sell it
to raise money to pay off his
debt. needless to say, it was a
flop, no pun intended, so he
disappeared back in 1986 or so,
there were only 300 videos in
circulation worldwide, though
nowadays there are probably 6
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
if only he got into porn
                                                            
they enter his house
                                                            

50.

INT. RYANS ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
they enter ryans room, ryan pulls out a safe, opens it to
reveal a video, he pulls the tape out and closes the safe.
he then pops it into his VCR and they all sit and watch "the
rules of texas holdem"(and old-time video,)
                                                            
- POKER, THE ROYAL WAY
                                                            
INT. THE KINGS PAD - DAY
                                                            
the king steps into frame
                                                            
                       THE KING
heeeeelo!! and welcome to "the
rules of texas hold'em" they call
me "the king" and today, ill be
your mentor on the finest game in
the planet,
no....limit....texas...holdem
                                                            
fancy poker playing intro
                                                            
we see the king sitting at a poker table
                                                            
                       THE KING
first let me explain how things
start off.
      (beat)
first you need some good friends
                                                            
three men appear at the table. in proper attire acording to
the times
                                                            
                       THE KING
then youll need some vegas chips,
                                                            
stacks of potato chips appear infront of them
                                                            
                       THE KING
NOOO, not those kind of chips
                                                            
the potato chips disapper and poker chips take there place
                                                            
                       THE KING
and finally a deck of 52 playing
cards, four suits, 15 different
faces
                                                            
a deck apears in the middle of the table
                                                            

51.

                       THE KING
now we are ready to play, first
you must choose a dealer,
      (points to himself)
..now the person left of the
dealer is call the small
blind...Blinds are forced bets to
ensure action in the pot, after
him is the big blind, witch is
twice as much as the small one
                                                            
the Small and Big Blind guys put there chips in
                                                            
                       THE KING
the dealer then deals the "pocket
cards" each player gets 2 cards,
one at a time, face down
                                                            
The King deals out the cards
                                                            
                       THE KING
each player, from the player left
of the big blind makes there bets
                                                            
every one makes there bets
                                                            
                       THE KING
      (dealing the flop)
and now we deal out community
cards witch everyone shares to
make their hand, first is the
flop, three cards face up in the
middle of the table, after that,
the player left from the dealer
makes his bet, then the next guy
and so on.
                                                            
everyone makes their bets
                                                            
                       THE KING
when the betting is done, you deal
the turn, witch is another card
face up
                                                            
deals the turn
                                                            
                       THE KING
then yet another round of betting
occurs and then you deal the
river, the card that can make, or
brake your hand
                                                            
deals the river
                                                            

52.

                       THE KING
the last round of betting occurs,
then whoever is left flips there
cards over to reveal a winner
                                                            
the king sits alone at the table
                                                            
                       THE KING
now that you know what happens
when you play, its time to learn
what cards beat what
                                                            
the king pulls out cards as he anounces them
                                                            
                       THE KING
first there is the high card,when
you got nothing, this little guy
is your last line of defense
      (beat)
then a pair, two cards of the same
rank
      (beat)
the there is three of a kind,
witch is just what the name
implies, also known as "trips"
      (beat)
then there is a sraight, five
cards in seqencial order, you can
play Ace high ans in 10,jack,
queen , king , Ace...or ace low as
in Ace, two, three, four, five
      (beat)
after that comes a flush, 5 cards
of the same suit,
      (beat)
then there is a full house, three
of a kind plus a pair
                                                            
INT. RYANS ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
                       RYAN
i fucking told you
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
yea yea....
                                                            

53.

INT. THE KINGS PAD - NIGHT
                                                            
                       THE KING
beating that is a four of a kind,
tough to get, but when you do,
your pretty much bound to win with
it
      (beat)
unless someone else has a straight
flush, five cards of the same
suit and in seqeuncial order
      (beat)
and then there is the mother of
all poker hands...my signiture
hand...THE ROYAL
FLUSH....ten,jack,queen,king,ace
all of the same suit
                                                            
The King stands in an out of place location
                                                            
                       THE KING
now lets try our knowledge in a
good old game of ....NO LIMIT
TEXAS HOLD'UM
      (beat)
but first i need a drink
                                                            
a woman with a tray brings him a Jack n' Coke on the rocks
                                                            
                       WOMAN WITH TRAY
hey are you guys gunna play some
texas hold'em?
                                                            
                       THE KING
oh why yes we are hot pants
                                                            
                       WOMAN WITH TRAY
do you think i could play?
                                                            
                       THE KING
oh i dont think so, but if your
good i'll let you sit on my lap,
and play with my chips
      (beat)
and by chips i mean my penis
      (beat)
now run along dear before Big
Daddy Mercury changes his mind...
                                                            
she walks away and The King breaks the fourth wall, but not
before giving the woman a nice little pat on the behind.
                                                            

54.

                       THE KING
ahh women, you gotta give them
credit for trying.. now where was
i? oh yes..shuffle up and deal
                                                            
The King is at the table with his poker buddies, the game
goes on until the king is left with one guy, the king losses
and tackles the winner in a jake fashion
                                                            
INT. RYANS ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
they look at the screen with awe
                                                            
                       ALLAN
      (dumb founded)
What the fuck just happend?
                                                            
FADE OUT
                                                            
 
INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
(SCENE IS UNFINSIHED)
                                                            
TITLE CARD: PUSHER_MAN
                                                            
FADE IN
                                                            
INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
and thats when i got fired from my
7th job, at the convenience store
                                                            
                       SHAKER
you put somebody in a freezer?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
well, kinda
                                                            
                       RYAN
what kind of freezer was this
again?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
you know those big freezers where
they keep the ice, the ones with
the doors.
                                                            
                       ALLAN
What?
                                                            

55.

                       FAST EDDIE
it's not like it was against his
will
                                                            
                       ALLAN
he went in willingly?!?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
yea he was trying to break the
record
                                                            
                       SHAKER
what record?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
he wanted to break the record for
longest time spent in the ice
freezer
                                                            
                       ALLAN
what was the record?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
eight hours
                                                            
                       SHAKER
who the hell sat in an ice freezer
for eight hours?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
      (proudly)
me
                                                            
everyone stares at Ed, amazed.
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
what?
                                                            
                       RYAN
and how long did this cat stay in
for?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
almost three and a half hours. but
the boss came in, flipped a shit,
and then fired me.
                                                            
                       ALLAN
why did she only fire you?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
i dont know, she was always
looking for a reason to fire me.
                                                            

56.

                       RYAN
and why is that
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
well i kinda....popped one in her
eye, blinded her for like four
days, but hey, it's like an
occupational hazard...
                                                            
                       ALLAN
WHAT?!?!?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
well she wanted me to give her a
"Tony Montana" and she was
                                                            
                       ALLAN
wait wait wait wait wait.. what
the fuck is a "Tony Montana"?!?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
well its a blow job term... the
girl is on her knees sucking the
guy off, and just before the guy
pops, the girl tilts her head back
and the guy busts one up her
nose...
                                                            
They all sit in silence....and Fast Eddie sniffs loudly..
the all go "OHHHHH!"
                                                            
                       SHAKER
Why would you even do that?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
Hey. it was apon request, i guess
she like the drip or something.
                                                            
                       RYAN
but you said you got her in the
eye...
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
well she moved at the last
second...and i hit her in the
eye... sperm travels at a velocity
of twenty-eight miles per hour...
now thats enough to do some
damage.
                                                            
                       RYAN
and you were pipeing your boss?
the one with the limp?
                                                            

57.

                       FAST EDDIE
limp nothing she was hot, and she
insissted on doing it,
                                                            
                       RYAN
well you could have showed some
self control and said no
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
why the hell would i say no she
was hot
                                                            
                       ALLAN
have you ever heard the prhase "
dont shit where you sleep"?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
no,
                                                            
                       SHAKER
well at least you still got that
job at that summer camp.
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
nope. i got fired from that one
to.
                                                            
                       ALLAN
oh i gotta hear this one.
                                                            
                       SHAKER
now what was this for?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
some people just cant take a joke
                                                            
                       SHAKER
what?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
ok well...
                                                            
INT. PARK - DAY
                                                            
single shot of Fast Eddie, who is sitting on a
bench,(song:"doing time"- Sublime)
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
.....Ok....So a family walks into
a talent agency. It's a father,
mother, son, daughter and dog. The
father says to the talent agent,
"We have a really amazing act. You
should represent us."
            (MORE)

58.

                       FAST EDDIE (cont'd)

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't
represent family acts. They're a
little too cute."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just
see our act, we know you would
want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take
a look."

The father steps forward in a
tuxedo and produces two rolls of
pennies from his pocket. The
father snaps the rolls against one
another, breaking them in half. At
that very instant his wife rips
off the fatherís pants, revealing
his rather turgid wand. Pouring
all one hundred pennies into one
hand he snaps his fingers with his
free hand and his daughter strips
down and kneels at the fatherís
ass. The son does the same thing
in front of the father while the
now naked mother begins blowing
the dog.

The father places five pennies in
his daughterís mouth, which she
immediately begins pushing up the
fatherís ass with her tongue. The
son begins vigorously sucking the
fatherís dick. The father suddenly
twitches and the sonís cheeks
immediately swell. The son spits
out a mouthful of piss onto the
babyí head along with one shiny
nickel.

The father places another five
pennies into the daughterís mouth
and the process continues. Every
time the son spits a nickel on the
babyís head, the baby plucks the
nickel off his melon and swallows
it. After every other nickel, the
mother slides her fist up the
babyís ass to retrieve a single
dime. Never taking her lips off
the dogís cock, the mother inserts
the dime elbow deep into the dogís
            (MORE)

59.

                       FAST EDDIE (cont'd)
ass.
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
By this time the father, now out
of pennies, bends over and starts
to blow the son. The daughter
straps on a ten inch black cock
and starts tearing up the fatherís
ass. After taking the fifth dime
up his ass, the mother stops
blowing the dog long enough for
the dog to vomit two quarter into
the momís mouth. The dog takes the
last five dimes up the ass and
vomits another two quarterís into
the motherís mouth. After the
second load of vomit, the mother
cannonballs the entire load of
quarters down her throat and bends
over.

The baby, covered in piss, takes a
running start and swan dives
across the agentís office into the
motherís ass. As the baby
continues wiggling in up to his
ankles, the mom rolls onto her
back and pulls her knees to her
ears.

The dad, brother, sister and dog
all jump up on the backs of the
furniture. The dad starts jerking
off, the daughter squats and
starts pissing all over the room.
Nearly simultaneously, the son
pulls a shit stained cork out of
his ass and does a double
round-off off the back of the
couch. The mom grabs the string to
her tampon and yanks it out. Just
as the son finishes his second
flip onto the cum and vomit
covered mom, the dad cums into the
air and the dog begins projectile
vomiting.

                                                            
he takes a drink of water
                                                            

60.

                       FAST EDDIE
At the exact moment the son lands
backward on the momís belly, his
swollen sphincter gives up a thick
stream of watery brown shit, while
a quart of thick globs of dark
blood and yuck spews out of the
momís cooze. The pressure causes
the baby to shoot out of the momís
ass across the room. The baby
pulls a one and one half gainer
with a half twist through the
raining torrent of dadís cum,
sisterís piss, the dogís vomit,
brotherís shit and the momís
bloody vaginal secretions.

The baby lands and slides on his
knees across the agentís cum,
piss, vomit, shit, blood covered
desk until he comes to a stop,
plucks a shiny silver dollar from
his shitty, piss stained, jizz
covered teeth, holds the coin up
and says

"Taaaaaaaaah-Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaah."
      (beat)
For the longest time, the agent
just sits in silence. Finally, he
manages, "That's a hell of an act.
What do you call it?"

And the father says,.....
      (beat, fast eddie
       gives and "olay!"
       finger snap)
"The Aristocrats!"
                                                            
the camera then swings over to reveal a bunch of small
children and the parents with gaping mouths staring and him,
a few are crying... even some adults
                                                            
INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
Shaker and Allan are staring at Eddie
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
what?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
what the hell is a matter with
you?
                                                            

61.

Ryan walks in on the phone
                                                            
                       RYAN
      (angry)
are you sure your dry?
      (beat)
shit. yea i understand, bye
                                                            
he hangs up the phone, and every one stare at HIM
                                                            
                       RYAN
how the hell could this whole town
be dry?
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
there's a drought. its been like
this for fucking weeks
                                                            
                       SHAKER
did you try Bismark.
                                                            
                       RYAN
NO. i dont trust that prick after
what he did to me and Allan
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
good, fucking prick, the last time
i smoked with him, some lady
stopped me on my walk home and
made me fix her T.V
                                                            
                       SHAKER
why, what'd he do?
                                                            
                       RYAN
i dont wanna talk about it
                                                            
                       SHAKER
aw cmon,
                                                            
Ryan and Allan look at each other
                                                            
                       RYAN
you can tell him.
                                                            
                       ALLAN
      (beat)
ahh fuck it.
      (beat)
so me and Ry are sitting around
one saturday evening, and we
decide to buy a twenty, so he
calls his usual guy.
                                                            

62.

                       FAST EDDIE
Bismark
                                                            
                       ALLAN
right, So his dealer say's he's
out. but he suggested this other
guy, Denmark..
                                                            
                       SHAKER
who?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
you might have seen him around.
he's like that neo-hippie guy. he
coaches the pee wee soccer team.
                                                            
EXT. SOCCER FEILD - DAY
                                                            
we see Denmark, standing on the sidelines, whiles kids
practice soccer.
                                                            
                       DENMARK
ya see man, the ball is just a
metaphor for your anger
man....just kick it Away man, just
kick it away
                                                            
INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
                       SHAKER
oh yea...
                                                            
                       ALLAN
ok well, Bis said that he grew it
out of his house and shit, he was
like a sherpa or something. anyway
he supposedly only sold it to
close, close, close friends. and
all we had to do was drop Bis's
name and everything would be just
fine, right?.....wrong!
                                                            
INT. RYANS HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Ryan is walking around his house, one the phone with BISMARK
(split-screen)
                                                            
                       BISMARK
i'm telling you man, im completly
out. i sent a recon team up to the
Cliffs, but i make no promisses
                                                            

63.

                       RYAN
fuck. dont you have shit in
reserve incase this kind of shit
happens?
                                                            
                       BISMARK
yes, but that's MY SHIT...
                                                            
                       RYAN
FUCK!!!! C'mon man i've been a
loyal fucking customer for years
now. i could buy from someone
else. but no! i stick with you.
you gotta have something
                                                            
                       BISMARK
well.....
      (looks around)
have you ever heard of Denmark
Villapando?
                                                            
                       RYAN
who?
                                                            
                       BISMARK
he is only the best weed farmer in
the entire east coast. he mostly
grows outta his basement, but ive
heard rumers of him growing in
southern philly.
                                                            
                       RYAN
and?
                                                            
                       BISMARK
I'm gunna send you to buy it from
him. just tell him i sent you
                                                            
                       RYAN
and why aren't you buying it from
him?
                                                            
                       BISMARK
because this is the guy i would go
to if i needed to get high... if i
wasnt a dealer.....he's like the
A-team....when you want the
best...there's only one way to
go...
                                                            
                       RYAN
well then why dont i just buy it
from him..
                                                            

64.

                       BISMARK
well he dosn't really deal... this
is a favor for me...
                                                            
                       RYAN
whats the address
                                                            
                       BISMARK
thats what i like to hear. you got
a pen?
                                                            
we cut to a single shot of
Ryan. he is writing down the address.after he is down he
walks over to Allan, who is sleeping
                                                            
                       RYAN
wake up asshole, were going
                                                            
                       ALLAN
      (groggy)
huh..wha?
                                                            
                       RYAN
put some fucking shoes on, were
leaving
                                                            
                       ALLAN
what the fuck for?
                                                            
                       RYAN
i found a dealer
                                                            
                       ALLAN
i thought this place was dry.
                                                            
                       RYAN
apparently not.
                                                            
EXT. RYANS HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Ryan and Allan walk out of Ryans house, they walk to Ryans
car
                                                            
                       ALLAN
who is this guy anyway?
                                                            
                       RYAN
Denmark Villapando
                                                            
                       ALLAN
i though that guy died in like
some forest fire in the early 90's
                                                            

65.

                       RYAN
you heard of him?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
you havent?!? i heard he shot a
guy with a blowgun loaded with an
arrow dipped in nyquil
                                                            
they enter the car and drive away
                                                            
STAR WARS SWIPE
                                                            
they pull up infront of DENMARK'S house. we go inside Ryans
car, Allan is still half awake(or asleep, depending on how
you look at it)
                                                            
                       ALLAN
well.. have fun
                                                            
                       RYAN
your coming to asshole
                                                            
                       ALLAN
what the fuck for?
                                                            
                       RYAN
im not goin in there alone
                                                            
                       ALLAN
      (beat)
....fuck that
                                                            
                       RYAN
ok fine then we dont go in at all
                                                            
Ryan starts up the car and begins to back up..
                                                            
                       ALLAN
Alright fine...lets get this over
with
                                                            
                       RYAN
..good
                                                            
Ryan stops the car. and they exit.
                                                            
                       ALLAN
does this guy know were coming
                                                            
                       RYAN
yea..well he should anyway, Bis
said he's call him to tell him.
                                                            

66.

they approach the door, ryan goes to knock but before he can
bring his hand down, the door SWINGS open....we pan from toe
to head...to reveal DENMARK VILLAPANDO,
                                                            
                       DENMARK
and jsut who the fuck are you?
Mormons?
                                                            
there is a small moment of silence
                                                            
FADE OUT
                                                            
 
INT. JAKES HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
TITLE CARD: THE TAO OF JAKE
                                                            
we are in jakes uncle's house, a big mess of a place , there
are stacks of old newspapers, and pretty much junk lying
around. JAKES UNCLE is sitting in his dirty swivel chair
playing "THE GUY GAME" (he is wearing a "pocket rockets"
tee)
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
YES!!!NOW LET ME SEE THEM
TITAYES!!
                                                            
we see the tv, and a girls flashes the camera
                                                            
he stands up with is hands in the air like he just won a
boxing match, as he stands, his pants fall to his ankles. he
sits back down and we see a charlies angles poster behind
him
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
yea thats right goldie hawn
                                                            
the phone starts to ring but JAKES UNCLE is either to lazy
or focused to get up and get it.
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
JAKE!!!!JAKE!!!PICK UP THE
PHONE!!!
                                                            
INT. JAKES ROOM - DAY
                                                            
JAKE is sound asleep, he is woken up by both his annoying
uncle and the ringing, slowly he rolls over and answers the
phone
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (groggy)
what?
                                                            

67.

                       TELEMARKETER (os)
hello sir, my name is Mandy,and
i'm calling on behalf of the P.A.L
of New Jersey , and the reason i
am calling you is to ask if you
would like to donate to our cause?
it would be greatly opre...
                                                            
                       JAKE
NOW LISTEN HERE!!THERE IS NOW WAY
IN HELL I'M GIVING MONEY TO 'THE
PEOPLE AGAINST LESBIANS' NOW STOP
CALLING ME!!!
                                                            
                       TELEMARKETER
i dont think you understand sir,
we are the......
                                                            
before she can finish her sentence, Jake hangs-up, jake then
roles over, tries to but unsuccesfully fall back asleep, so
he decides to get up, reveailing his shirt witch reads "I
(HEART) LESBIANS" he then puts on his trusty robe, places
the phone in his robe pocket,and leaves his room
                                                            
INT. JAKES UNCLES ROOM - DAY
                                                            
JAKE walks down the stairs carrying a tall glass of cereal,
he walks toward his uncle
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
      (face fixed to
       screen)
who was on the phone?
      (to tv)
AWW FUCK! NO! NO! NO!
                                                            
we see the tv and the girl dosnt show her breasts
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
FUCK
                                                            
Jake's uncle turns to Jake so he can answer his question,
but Jake just him a blank stare
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
well?....
                                                            
                       JAKE
well what?
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
the phone???
                                                            

68.

                       JAKE
oh..
                                                            
Jake takes the phone out of his pocket and tosses it in his
uncles lap, his uncle looks at him like he is a moron
                                                            
                       JAKE
What?...low batery?
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
...WHO WAS ON IT BEFORE!?!
                                                            
                       JAKE
...some broad against lesbians
asking for money
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
when the fuck will they learn
we're not interested
                                                            
                       JAKE
exactly
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
we should start an orgenization
against the people against
lesbians....
      (thinks)
the People Against the People
Against Lesbians....yeaa the
P.A.P.A.L.....i like it..what
about you?
                                                            
he looks to Jake...who is drooling a little, spacing out
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
yea...
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (snaps out of
       trance)
wha..what?
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
huh....nothing..nevermind
                                                            
Jake tastes the cereal and gives them a look of disgust
                                                            
                       JAKE
we got any milk?
                                                            

69.

                       JAKES UNCLE
      (face fixed to
       screen)
yea over in the mini-fridge
                                                            
he points over to the mini fridge
                                                            
Jake walks over to the mini fridge, opens it, only to reveal
a mini-fridge packed with non-alcoholic beer
                                                            
                       JAKE
you only got beer
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
well work with what you got kid..
                                                            
Jake shrugs and gets a beer, and starts to pour it into the
glass
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
      (thinking to self)
the P.A.P.A.L.......i could start
a revolution!!!we could even have
t-shirts
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (pouring the beer)
hey what time is it??
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
about twelve-thirty
                                                            
                       JAKE
AW SHIT!!!THE MOVIES LATE!!!!
                                                            
Jake drops both the beer and glass on the floor and runs
upstairs
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU
GOING?!?!?!?
                                                            
                       JAKE
out
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
YES!!!!!!HAMMER TIME!!!!!!!
                                                            

70.

INT. JAKES HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Jake runs to his room and puts on a LOUD POKER OVERSHIRT,
then to the tv where he gets a tape out of the VCR, places
it in the MAJESTIC VIDEO box, and runs out of the
house.......we see jake run out of his house like a college
girl on her way to an ALT ROCK concert...................
                                                            
 
EXT. SRTEET - DAY
                                                            
jake is walking down the street in his stupid shirt and
sunglasses, he passes a foxy blond, Jake tilts his
sunglasses down, and stares at her ass
                                                            
                       JAKE
hey baby!
                                                            
                       FOXY BLOND
im sorry i cant hear you over that
shirt..
                                                            
                       JAKE
it's all good baby....call me
                                                            
Jake pulls out a buisness card and tries to hand it to her,
but she smacks it away
                                                            
                       JAKE
no need to be a crumb baby...
                                                            
Jake slaps her ass
                                                            
                       FOXY BLOND
you pig!!!!
                                                            
she smacks him even harder, knocking his glasses off
                                                            
 
EXT. MAJESTIC VIDEO - DAY
                                                            
JAKE walks ,video in hand, up to the return slot in front of
the store, however he is unable to use it due to there is a
cardboard sign over it that reads " OUT OF SERVICE, SORRY
FOR THE TROUBLE"
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (upset)
shit!
                                                            
JAKE then walks up to the front door, takes a few deep
breaths, and walks in
                                                            

71.

INT. MAJESTIC VIDEO - DAY
                                                            
the store is completly empty except for one clerk on the
phone at the front desk. JAKE walks up to him ,
                                                            
                       JAKE
hey , the vid........
                                                            
before jake can finish he is cut off by the clerk
                                                            
                       MAJESTIC CLERK
      (to jake)
hold on one second...
      (to phone)
.... hello sir this is BUCKY
GOLDSTEIN from MAJESTIC VIDEO..
the movies you ordered are in
      (reads from list)
-ASS BLASTERS FROM OUTER SPACE
-BACKSTAGE NAKED CUM-GUZZLING
SLUTS
-NYMPHO MANIA!!!
-NIGGER FUCKING NAZIS
- T.I.T.S
- one night at snow camp
- THE ANGRY PIRATES AND THE CASE
OF THE PEARL NECKLACE
-THREE-WAY PUERTO RICANS
-TWO LITER PEPSI BOTTLE FREAKS
- CUBAN SLUT ORGY
-MIDGET HORSE FUCKERS
-CROATIAN SENSATIONS AND ITALIAN
STALIANS
-NAUGHTY NUNS 2
-DVDA BONANZA
-BACK DOOR ADVENTURES
-NO MANS LAND
-POLYNESIAN PODIATRISTS
-FILTHY PINK BONDAGE SLUTS
-SHITSLAPPING COCKSUCKERS
-NIGHT SHIFT NURSES
-SUCK IT DRY
-6TH STREET LATINA'S
-HERSEY HIGHWAY 3: LUBE IT UP!
-SHE'S A CUM'IN SHE'S A BLOW'IN
-STAMP LICKING WHORES 2:BABES GONE
POTAL
-JERK MY CUM CROWN AND COLOR ME
WHITE
-ELBOW DEEP IN SLUT
-BIG BLACK CHICKS WHO CRAVE WHITE
DICKS
-GUSHING TEEN QUEENS
-THICK AND BLACK
            (MORE)

72.

                       MAJESTIC CLERK (cont'd)
      (beat)
......oh and WAITING TO EXHAIL

ok..... your welcome.. bye
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE (os)
      (on phone)
!!!!FUCKING SWEET!!!!
                                                            
the clerk hangs up the phone
                                                            
                       MAJESTIC CLERK
sorry about that.. how may i help
you?
                                                            
                       JAKE
yea the video drop is ....
                                                            
                       MAJESTIC CLERK
out..yea ...some fucking kids
thought it was funny to dump a bag
of shit in there.. and now i've
got to clean it...FUCKING PUNKS
                                                            
JAKE then remembers to the night before, (wavy line)
                                                            
EXT. MAJESTIC VIDEO - NIGHT
                                                            
JAKE and his uncle walk by the video drop,jake then drops a
bag inside the video drop and and they both give each other
a high-five and run away like a pair of giggling school
girls
                                                            
INT. MAJESTIC VIDEO - DAY
                                                            
the clerk stares at jake, who is spaced out and smiling,
until he clears his trhoat and wakes JAKE up from his trance
                                                            
                       MAJESTIC CLERK
renting that or returning?
                                                            
                       JAKE
returning
                                                            
JAKE hands the clerk the tape,
                                                            
                       MAJESTIC CLERK
AW DUDE 'crossroads'?!?! THIS
MOVIE SUCKS!!
                                                            
                       JAKE
look just take it asshole
                                                            

73.

                       MAJESTIC CLERK
oookay but dont get pissy at me
becasue your movies preferences
suck
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (confused)
what the hell are you talking
about? i only rent good movies
                                                            
the clerk flashes a look at Jake
                                                            
                       MAJESTIC CLERK
well let's bring up your last
movie rental shall we
                                                            
                       JAKE
hey what the hell makes you " the
big movie buff"?
                                                            
the clerk looks at JAKE like he is a moron
                                                            
                       MAJESTIC CLERK
WHAT THE FUCK?!?! 'save the last
dance' ?!?!
                                                            
                       JAKE
i...i rented it by mistake
                                                            
                       MAJESTIC CLERK
it was renewed three times!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE
the chick was hot!
                                                            
                       MAJESTIC CLERK
oh now lets not get into your
choice of women
                                                            
                       JAKE
jesus man just take it?
                                                            
                       MAJESTIC CLERK
oookay...
                                                            
the clerk types some more
                                                            
                       MAJESTIC CLERK
you have a balance of three
dollars
                                                            
                       JAKE
what the fuck for?!?
                                                            

74.

                       MAJESTIC CLERK
it's late
                                                            
                       JAKE
whats late
                                                            
                       MAJESTIC CLERK
....are you kidding me?
                                                            
                       JAKE
the movie??.
                                                            
the clerk stares at jake
                                                            
                       JAKE
. c'mon its only a half-hour late
                                                            
                       MAJESTIC CLERK
yea try four days and a half hour
late..
                                                            
JAKE and the clerk have a little stare down
                                                            
                       JAKE
i dont beleave you
                                                            
the clerk swivels over the computer so that JAKE can see,
then swivels it back to face him
                                                            
JAKE then reaches into his pants, pulls out three one dollar
bills, crupmles them up , and throws them at the clerks face
                                                            
they have another stare down, the clerk looks pissed,jake
looks worried
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (to self)
uh-oh
                                                            
EXT. MAJESTIC VIDEO - DAY
                                                            
JAKE runs out of the video store, the clerk is about 3
seconds behind him, with a baseball bat
                                                            
                       MAJESTIC CLERK
      (pissed)
AND DONT COME BACK!!!!!
                                                            
the clerk walks back inside
                                                            
                       MAJESTIC CLERK
fucking dickhead
                                                            
 

75.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
                                                            
Jake is sitting in a coffee shop, drinking his coffee, and
staring at a girls hot pink thong. the girl is sitting with
her butch boyfriend, the butch man notices Jake staring at
his lady and approaches him, the girl dosnt react like this
happens all the time
                                                            
                       BUTCH BOYFRIEND
HEY WHAT THE FUCK PAL!!!!
      (beat)
WHATS AMATTER???CAN'T HEAR ME OVER
THAT SHIRT YOU SON OF A BITCH COCK
SUCKER!!!
                                                            
Jake gives him no response
                                                            
                       BUTCH BOYFRIEND
HEY IM TALKING TO YOU ASSHOLE!!!
                                                            
he shoves Jake's shoulder
                                                            
                       JAKE
whoa watch the merchandise
cocksuck.......
                                                            
Jake realizes that he is completly outmatched
                                                            
                       JAKE
er....shit..
      (GULP)
                                                            
EXT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
                                                            
Jake runs out of the coffee shop, he is followed by the
butch guy,
                                                            
                       BUTCH BOYFRIEND
AND IF I EVER SEE YOU AGAIN...I'LL
RIP YOUR FUCKING BALLS OFF!!!
                                                            
THE Butch Man walks back inside, a few moments pass, and
then the coffee shop owner runs out
                                                            
                       COFFEE SHOP OWNER
HEY YOU DIDNT PAY FOR THE FUCKING
COFFEE!!!,,,,,motherfucker
                                                            
he walks back inside
                                                            
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
                                                            
the owner storms back inside
                                                            

76.

                       COFFEE SHOP OWNER
OK thats the last fucking
time!!!everyday now for a week, he
dosn't pay for the coffee, well
i'll fix his ass for good...but
how?
                                                            
The Butch man approaches him
                                                            
                       BUTCH BOYFRIEND
HEY!! you wanna get that guy?
                                                            
                       COFFEE SHOP OWNER
you bet your juice'in ass i do
                                                            
                       BUTCH BOYFRIEND
well i got an idea
                                                            
INT. MANAGERS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
the owner and the butch man stand in the room, the owner
picks up the phone and dials 911,he waits for the disbatcher
to answer,when she does, he speaks in a paniced, frenzied
voice
                                                            
                       COFFEE SHOP OWNER
      (to disbatcher)
hello police? you gotta help
me..well there is a madman walking
around with a bomb straped to
himself, he just came in my shop
and threatend me,he said he would
blow this whole place to hell if
he didnt get a free cup of
coffee... so i gave it to
him...and he went on his way, at
first i thought he was an older
man who lost his job and is on the
edge..but he was just a boy!!.and
you know how teens today are all
so extreme with the school
shootings,tattoo's,peircings and
raging hormones....i swear i
thought i was gunna die right then
and there!!!...yes....ok.....im
calm...well my retention of him
wasnt all that clear.......well
i'll try... ... ok i remember
now..he was in his late teens, he
was wearing, a very loud poker
shirt,sunglasses, and lofers...you
gotta find him before someone gets
hurt!!ok thank you ma'am, and good
luck to our boys in blue, may god
            (MORE)

77.

                       COFFEE SHOP OWNER (cont'd)
go with them as they attempt to
birng this dangerous prick down.!
                                                            
he hangs up the phone,smiles, and shakes hands with the
butch man.they both exit the managers room, the owner goes
back behind the counter and a BLACK MAN is standing looking
at the prices.
                                                            
                       COFFEE SHOP OWNER
      (ambiguous)
can i help you?
                                                            
                       BLACK MAN
TWENTY BUCKS!?!?!
      (beat)
paece out.
                                                            
EXT. COP CAR - DAY
                                                            
a police radio sits on the hood of a police car
                                                            
                       POLICE DISBATCHER
we have a red two-twentyfour, i
repeat, a red two-twentyfour, be
on the look out for a white
caucasian male, late teens,the
purp was last seen wearing a loud
poker over shirt,shorts and a pair
of rap-around sunglasses, we have
reason to beleave the suspect has
high explosives strapped to his
person,we have orders to lock down
the town, so close all storefronts
i repeat, close all
storfronts.....
                                                            
 
INT. JAKES HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Jake walks through the door, his uncle walks up to him with
a handfull of videos from MAJESTIC, he is wearing a D.I.Y
shirt that reads "P.A.P.A.L"
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
      (very excited)
MY MOVIES CAME IN.....LETS
WATCH'UM
                                                            
                       JAKE
nah....i'm not in the mood
                                                            

78.

                       JAKES UNCLE
WHY NOT!??!?!? IS SOMETHING
WRONG!?!?...
      (serious)
....female troubles?
                                                            
                       JAKE
no, not exactl....
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
AHH WOMEN, THEY KNOW HOW TO TEAR
YOUR HEART OUT.....RIGHT OUTTA
YOUR ASSHOLE!
                                                            
jake starts to walk towards his room
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
i got ' waiting to exhail ' !!
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (thinks about it
       happily)
well.....nah.., maybe later
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
your loss
                                                            
Jake enters his room, picks up the phone and calls ryan
                                                            
                       RYAN
hello?
                                                            
..SPLIT SCREEN IN
                                                            
                       JAKE
whats good baby?
                                                            
                       RYAN
oh nothing....baby?
                                                            
                       JAKE
we playing poker tonight, or did i
clean you bitches out last time?
                                                            
                       RYAN
well...no. i called the boys and
they can't make it
                                                            
                       JAKE
shit...so what are WE doing
tonight, Drinkin, smoke'in bud,
cause you know i got the boss
shit.
                                                            

79.

                       RYAN
awesome, but WE are'nt doing
anything tonight, im going out
with the girlfriend
                                                            
                       JAKE
ight... she got a sister?
                                                            
                       RYAN
uh yea but she's three....
                                                            
                       JAKE
hey as long as they got a pulse
right?
                                                            
                       RYAN
DUDE!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE
im fucking with ya...the pulse is
optional
      (in upper claas
       accent)
now what time shall i be over?
                                                            
                       RYAN
her sisters not coming over!?!?!?
                                                            
                       JAKE
hey i dont mind sloppy seconds
                                                            
                       RYAN
Jake look i.....
                                                            
before he can finish, he is cut off by jakes grandma
                                                            
                       JAKES GRANDMA (os)
JAKE!!!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE
WHAT?!?!?!?
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE (os)
DO YOU HAVE MY PHONE!?!?!?
                                                            
                       JAKE
YES!?!?!?!?
                                                            
                       JAKES GRANDMA (os)
WHY DO YOU KEEP TAKING MY
PHONE?!?!?!?!
                                                            

80.

                       JAKE
JUST GET OFF MY BACK WOMAN!!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKES GRANDMA
JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (to ryan)
look i gotta go the old broad is
on my back again
                                                            
jake hangs up the phone
                                                            
...SPLIT SCREEN OUT
                                                            
                       JAKES GRANDMA
JAKE!?!?!?
                                                            
                       JAKE
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT YOU
CRAZY OLD WOMAN!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKES GRANDMA
AAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!I'LL SHOW YOU
CRAZY OLD WOMAN!!!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKES UNCLE
IF THIS WAS NAZI GERMANY YOU'D BE
SHOT AT SIGHT BECAUSE YOU'RE A
RETARD!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE
OH BRING IT ON!!!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKES GRANDMA
YOUR LUCKY I'M NOT TOo AGILE
ANYMORE, BECAUSE IF THIS WAS FORTY
YEARS AGO YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A
SMACK!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE
IF THIS WAS FORTY YEARS AGO I
WOULDNT BE HERE,..
      (beat)
..I'D BE FORTY AND OUT OF THIS
HOUSE
                                                            
                       JAKES GRANDMA
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
                                                            

81.

Jake walks over to his desk,sits down, and takes out a
diary. he opens his diary to a fresh page, the entry he
write is 'RUDE CLERKS'
                                                            
                       JAKE (vo)
dear Glen,

-today as i was walking to return
my favirote movie i met this
really foxy chick and well long
story short....i laided her thrice
in a parking lot, man i'd love to
sink my teeth in to that
tamata!!... again. i also returned
one of my favirote movies today,
but the dickhead cockslapping
clerk made fun of me, but dont
worry i kicked his ass 13 ways
till 'tuesday,
                                                            
JAKE'S LIVING ROOM
                                                            
Jake's Uncle is watching one of his many pornos, we see (on
the tv) a set of a plane, two stewardesses are standing
greeting the passengers, until a WHITE MAN with a BURNT CORK
BEARD and TOWEL TURBAN walks past them quickly with a
breifcase.
                                                            
                       STEWARDESS 1
      (aside)
oh my gosh! that guy has to be a
terroist, we've got to take him
down!
                                                            
                       STEWARDESS 2
how? we don't have any weapons!
                                                            
                       STEWARDESS 1
Oh we sure do. c'mon...
                                                            
The two walk out of frame.
                                                            
JAKE'S ROOM
                                                            
we see Jake in his room writing away
                                                            
                       JAKE (vo)
and then i went to get some coffee
and this babe kept eye'en me,so i
decided to make her day and make
eys with her too.. but her jealous
boyfriend gave me some lip, so he
suffered the same fate as that
            (MORE)

82.

                       JAKE (cont'd)
RUDE CLERK from the video store ,
                                                            
LIVING ROOM
                                                            
we see JAKES UNCLE still sitting in the chair eating his
hoogie. and we get back to the TV. Only to see the TERRORIST
hold a gun to the pilot and co-pilot. After a beat or two
the STEWARDESSES walk in.
                                                            
                       STEWARDESS 1
let us take care of him...
                                                            
                       STEWARDESS 2
yea, we know just what to do...
                                                            
the Pilot's leave and the STEWARDESSES look at the terroist
seductivly...
                                                            
                       STEWARDESS 2
ok Moo-ha-mid.. let us show you
OUR weapons of mass SEDUCTION!
                                                            
They rip open thier shirts, get in front of the Terrorist,
and get on their knees. we then go to a CLOSE UP of the
Terrorist's face.
                                                            
                       TERROIST
      (fake accent)
you american girls...whu!
                                                            
we see jake's uncle getting into it. he then looks to see if
he is alone, picks up the phone. he dials a number.(the
voice on the other end sounds like JAMES EARL JONES)
                                                            
                       J.E.J VOICE
hello!. you have reached 'THE
DUNGEON' for sadistic leather clad
bondage whippings....press one
now...
                                                            
Jake's Uncle slowly presses the '1' button
                                                            
JAKES ROOM
                                                            
                       JAKE
after that i came home and called
my good friend RYAN, he said we
would hang out tonight, and he
said he would let me fuck his
girlfriend iF she is up to it,
which she most definetly will be,
anyway that's all for now...untill
            (MORE)

83.

                       JAKE (cont'd)
next time-
-JAKE..........
                                                            
jake proudly closes his diary and places it in the desk,
then walks over and collapses on his bed and falls asleep
                                                            
FADE OUT
                                                            
FADE IN
                                                            
INT. JAKES HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
Jake is sleeping on his bed, he suddenly rolls out and on to
the floor, THUD,
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (sleepy)
EHHH!
                                                            
JAKE slowly comes to. he gets up and goes for his phone, he
dials a number, and puts the phone to his ear
                                                            
INT. ALLANS HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
the phone rings a few times, after the 4th ring
DOTSON,Allan's older brother comes to pick it up(split
screen)
                                                            
                       DOTSON
hello?
                                                            
                       JAKE
is Allan there?
                                                            
                       DOTSON
no i think he went to Ryan's pad
for poker
                                                            
Jake starts to twitch
                                                            
                       DOTSON
want me to take a message?
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (pissed)
MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!
                                                            
Jake slams the phone on the floor, throws on his Shirt, and
walks out of his room, passing his uncle who is watching a
porno, passed out covered in food,Jake walks out of the
house
                                                            

84.

STAR WARS SWIPE
                                                            
EXT. RYANS BLOCK - NIGHT
                                                            
Jake is walking down the block, he is noticed by and elderly
couple looking out there window
                                                            
INT. OLD COUPLES HOUSE- NIGHT
                                                            
and OLD WOMAN is looking out the window,her husband is in
his reading chair
                                                            
                       OLD WOMAN
hey dear
                                                            
                       OLD MAN
what? what is it?
                                                            
                       OLD WOMAN
isnt that the mad bomber from the
TV? the one with your old shirt?
                                                            
                       OLD MAN
ahh you watch way to much tv,
                                                            
                       OLD WOMAN
will you take a look
                                                            
                       OLD MAN
alright already, jeez, if i wanted
this much static, i'd have
boughten a radio....
                                                            
the Old Man goes over to his wife, and looks out, and then
gets excited.
                                                            
                       OLD MAN
why yes it is hunny baby, go call
the cops.. i'll go get the camera
                                                            
the Old Man runs out of the room and brings back a video
camera
                                                            
                       OLD MAN
      (focusing)
i havnt seen this much action
since that V.W bus broke down in
front of our house
                                                            
                       OLD WOMAN (os)
WHAT?!?!?!
                                                            

85.

                       OLD MAN
NOTHING MY SWEET PEA!!!
                                                            
the old man starts recording
                                                            
                       OLD WOMAN (os)
Hello? Police??
                                                            
EXT. RYANS BLOCK - NIGHT
                                                            
Jake walks to the garage and then opens the door, he looks
at everybody and swings his head back and then forward to
speak
                                                            
                       JAKE
ASS.......
                                                            
FREEZE FRAME, FADE OUT
                                                            
 
INT. SPECIAL HQ - DAY
                                                            
TITLE CARD: THE SPECIALS
                                                            
FADE IN
                                                            
three special officers are sitting at a table, Special 1 and
2 are playing battle ship, Special 3 is watching tv and
watching the game, (music: "ghost town" by; The Specials)
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 1
      (aggitated)
well..?
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 2
well what?
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 1
it's your turn..
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 2
no...it's your turn
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 1
i just went like 4 seconds ago
                                                            
Special 2 looks to Special 3,
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 3
yup...
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 2
b7
                                                            

86.

                       SPECIAL 1
hit, FUCK, im down to my last ship
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 2
im telling you, just stop now
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 1
shut the fuck up rookie!
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 3
you know, you should really use
the "let the wookie win" theory
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 2
the what?
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 3
both him and i are your fucking
superiors, you beating one of us
makes us look bad..and when we
look bad, we get angry, and when
we get angry....and well, we dont
like to talk about that...
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 1
why?....what happend..??
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 3
are you fimiliar with the term
"backswing"????
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 1
g4?
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 2
miss.
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 1
SHIT!!
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 3
you are the only person i know
that can play 4 games of battle
ship and not get one single
hit...no wonder he's kicking your
ass
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 1
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
      (beat)
this is bullshit, why the hell are
we just sitting here??and not out
there fighting crime
            (MORE)

87.

                       SPECIAL 1 (cont'd)
      (beat)
oh yea i remember...WERE NOT REAL
COPS!!!
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 3
hey dont say that man, we are
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 1
no, we are the lowest of the low,
were specials,we dont even get
cars..fuck the parking enforcement
gets cars...we are about one step
above rent-a-cops
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 2
so we rebel by sitting around and
playing battle ship?
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 1
you bet your virgin irish ass we
do
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 2
i can dig it
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 3
hey we took an oath to protect an
serve, not sit around and play
flubb'in kids games
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 1
what do you care Fruity?
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 2
      (chuckles)
eh eh eh
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 3
hey fuck you,,and fuck you to, im
gunna get some air
                                                            
special 3 heads for the door
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 1
ass
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 3
jerkoff!
                                                            
special 3 closes exits
                                                            

88.

                       SPECIAL 2
who's turn is it?
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 1
yours.
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 2
b9
                                                            
Special 1 places the peice on the ship, and gets pissed
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 2
so is that a hit?
                                                            
Special 1 knocks over the game, there is a short silence,
and th Special 3 bursts in the door
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 3
let's go!
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 2
why whats up?
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 3
we got a red two-twentyfour
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 1
a fleeing hooker?!?
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 3
what!?...no
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 2
a non-fleeing hooker?
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 3
eh...no... some madman in an
incredibly tacky shirt has a bomb
straped to his person, he took
hostages, there in a garage down
on Lawton....it'll take awhile
until backup gets there, were the
closest unit....
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 1
      (chuckling)
hehe unit
                                                            
they start to get their shit togehter and start to leave
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 2
wait.. why didn't we hear anything
on our radios???
                                                            

89.

                       SPECIAL 3
you turned them off for the game
                                                            
Special 1 and 2 give an "ohhh" and then turn there radios
on.. they exit the room
                                                            
EXT. SPECIAL HQ - NIGHT
                                                            
the Specials pile into the Spec-mobile (old sedan) Special 1
is in the dirvers seat,3 is riding shotgun,and 2 is riding
bitch.we see the license plate, it reads "SPEC.1",
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 1
hold on to your skivves'
                                                            
he floors it,the tires spin wildly as the car peels off into
the night
                                                            
FADE OUT
                                                            
 
INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
TITLE CARD: 5 DOGS PLAYING POKER
                                                            
jake is standing in the garage, (continue from the freeze
frame)
                                                            
                       JAKE
      (con't)
HOLESSS!!!!
                                                            
everyone stares at him
                                                            
                       JAKE
you never said there was a game
today
                                                            
ryan approaches him
                                                            
                       RYAN
yea about that, look..i tried
calling you before, but..
                                                            
                       JAKE
Bullshit!!! but hey, im here
right, deal me in bitches
                                                            
Ryan and Jake go to the table, Ryan sits, Jake pulls out a a
couple Bills out of his pocket
                                                            
                       JAKE
lets start off with 40
                                                            

90.

he hands the bills to Allan
                                                            
                       ALLAN
we can't take these
                                                            
                       JAKE
and why the fuck not?!?
                                                            
                       ALLAN
because Barny Rubble wasnt a
president thats why
                                                            
we see the poorly put together bill, with Barn's face on it
                                                            
                       JAKE
sure he was he ran after Reagan..
      (beat)
ok ok fine.....he hands Allan
another bill
                                                            
                       ALLAN
so ten bucks?
                                                            
Allan gives him his chips, Jake sits ,and they deal out the
cards
                                                            
- a montage of jake losing his chips, slowly but
surely,until he has very few left
                                                            
Ryan and Shaker lean in to talk to one another
                                                            
                       RYAN
look at that LOUD ass shirt...
                                                            
                       SHAKER
yea tell me about it..
                                                            
                       JAKE
hey....no cheating you two.....
                                                            
                       SHAKER
huh?...i'm sorry...i cant hear you
over that RIDICULOUSLY LOUD SHIRT
                                                            
                       JAKE
shut the hell up...
                                                            
                       SHAKER
WHAT!?!?!?
                                                            
                       JAKE
don't hate baby, i got style...
                                                            

91.

                       FAST EDDIE
dude....Prince has a better fasion
sense than you...and he shops in
the boys department
      (beat)
at Nordstrum's
                                                            
                       JAKE
you dont know what your talking
about, these threads are
designer...
                                                            
                       RYAN
oh yea by who?
                                                            
                       JAKE
J.C Penne'
                                                            
                       RYAN
my god
                                                            
Jake looks at his pocket cards (As,Ad)
                                                            
                       JAKE
ok fuckers, you take take take,and
now its my turn...
      (beat)
my turn to take!
                                                            
-he pushes his chips in, everyone looks at there cards and
folds
                                                            
                       JAKE
aww cmon you pussies....HA!!
                                                            
- we get to Fast Eddie, without looking at his cards, he
calls
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
ok cocklunch, your on
                                                            
they flip over there cards, Fast eddie has a 10h Jh
                                                            
                       JAKE
thats it baby...LOCKED...just give
me the chips now
                                                            
the flop is dealt, Qh, Ah, Ac,
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
FUCK!!!
                                                            

92.

                       JAKE
YEA BABY....ONE TIME!!!!
                                                            
the turn is dealt Kh
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
YES!!!!
                                                            
                       JAKE
YOU DUMB MOTHA FUKA!!!!! YOU GOT
NOTHING
                                                            
take us to the river - 2c
                                                            
                       JAKE
and the RIVER BRINGS A BIG FAT
GOOSEEGG FOR EDDIE,,,HA!
                                                            
jake continues his dance until he sees that he is beat
                                                            
Fast Eddie Starts to talk trash while taking his chips
                                                            
Jake quietly sits down, Allan, Shaker, and Ryan all sit in
silence while Fast Eddie tears Jake a new A-Hole.
                                                            
Jake starts to violently twitch (jakes flip-out music palys)
                                                            
                       RYAN
OH
                                                            
                       SHAKER
MY
                                                            
                       ALLAN
GOD
                                                            
                       FAST EDDIE
      (looks up)
huh?
                                                            
Jake still twitches until he flips the table over and
tackles Eddie, the groups tries to pry Jake off
                                                            
EXT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
the Specials car pulls into the driveway
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 2
sounds pretty violent in there
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 3
well he is a terrorist..should we
call for B.U?
                                                            

93.

                       SPECIAL 1
, by the time they get here he'll
have this whole place looking like
ted bundy's house...
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 3
shit
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 2
is he packin?
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 1
most likely...
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 3
shit we arent prepared for this,
let's just wait for backup, they
know what kind of...
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 1
shut up....just follow my lead
                                                            
they exit the car
                                                            
they open the trunk to reveal a suitcase, Special 1 opens it
and there is a whit light that emits from it, almost
blinding the cops..
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 2
holy shit!!!! how the hell did
you?
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 1
lets just say i know a guy, who
knows a guy.
                                                            
he reaches into the case
                                                            
INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT
                                                            
- the boys are still fighting, they fight for a little
while,
-we hear the sound of men running towards the garage
-the specials burst in, Special 1 has a superflyass gun in
his mits
                                                            
                       SPECIAL 1
FREEZE MOTHER FUCKER!!!!
                                                            
the guys stop like deer in headlights
                                                            

94.

FREEZE FRAME
                                                            
FADE OUT
                                                            
CLOSING CREDITS
                                                            
"second solution" by The Living End plays over the
credits...after the credits role we fade in to see the boys
in a jail cell, Johnny Cash's "good ol' boys"(theme from
'the dukes of hazard') is playing the backround....
                                                            
"Mak'in there waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy"..........
                                                            
RYAN jumps up and tackles the shit out of jake.. and pummels
him with fists..... FADE OUT
                                                            


THE END


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