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by Anthony Violante (adamwest52@aol.com)

Rated:

Genre: Comedy User Review: NOT YET
RATED
ok so after a few nights (or months) of hearing stories and being in a few of my own.... i came up with this script... about 3 or 4 of the five stories are true... and not even embellished.... but anyway.. it's my very first script.. and I'm a junior in highschool, so please, i need all the input i can get. some scenes are incomplete and one is missing.... so uh, yea... please read

FOUR DOGS PLAYING POKER

FADE IN:

INT. RYANS ROOM - DAY

TITLE CARD: - CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

RYAN walks into frame with a phone, he is dialing a number,
he puts the phone to his ear

TITLE CARD: - ALLAN

INT. ALLAN'S ROOM - DAY

we are introduced to Allan, who is past out on his bed, the
phone rings but he dosnt pick up, and his answering machine
comes on...Allan Speaks with an Arnold Shwarzenegger accent

            ALLAN
      (on answering
       machine)
HELLO!! YOU HAVE REACHED
AHHNULD....I'M NOT HERE AT THE
MOMENT...
      (beat)
...BUT I'LL BE BACK!!!!!!

we hear a loud BOOOOOP!!!

RYAN
Allan....answer the phone!!!!i
know you
there.....ALLAN!!!!!!!ALLAN!!!!!!!....PICK
UP THE PHONE........ALLAN!!!

Allan reaches over to his head to pick up his phone

///////~SPLIT SCREEN IN~

ALLAN
(sleepy)
Hello?!?

RYAN
What are you doing?

ALLAN
HAVING HOT WILD SEX WITH
MADONNA!!!

RYAN
(beleaving)
really?

ALLAN
no asshole!, what do you want?

RYAN
(upset)
oh.....poker tonight

ALLAN
what time?

RYAN
seven

ALLAN
that early?!?!

RYAN
at night

ALLAN
oh..yea....sure

ALLAN hangs up the phone and rolls over and falls back to
sleep

////~SPLIT SCREEN OUT~

RYAN hangs up the phone, ponders for a beat, and calls
another number

TITLE CARD: - SHAKER

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

we see an apartment that looks as if someone is moving,
there are a few boxes lying about. there is an ambiant noise
in the BG of a shower head blasting its warm H2O. a sexy
young woman wearing panties and a t-shirt walks into frame,
we meet the fare maiden HELENA

HELENA
(annoyed)
HEELLO?

///////~SPLIT SCREEN IN~

RYAN
hey HELL

HELENA
oh hey RYAN

RYAN
is SHAKER there?

in the backround we hear a loud SQEAK!!!

SHAKER (os)
WHOA!!!!

we hear an even lounder THUD!!!!, HELENA looks back at the
door witch the noise came from, and shakes her head in
disapointment

HELENA
no he's in the shower....want me
to take a message

HELENA picks up a post-it and a sharpie

RYAN
umm... yea tell him to be at my
place at seven tonight for poker

HELENA
your place, poker,
seven....kay...is that all?

RYAN
yea

HELENA
okay....bye

HELENA hangs up, places the post-it on a box marked "YOUR
SHIT", then procedes to rip the phone out of the wall and
place it in another box and walks offscreen

///////~SPLIT SCREEN OUT~

RYAN hangs up the phone and places it on his dresser, he
takes 5 steps away and then suddenly.. the phone rings.

TITLE CARD: - POKER JAKE

he walks back and answers it

RYAN
(slightly confused)
Hello?

INT. JAKE'S ROOM - DAY

/////~SPLIT SCREEN IN~

we are introduced to JAKE, the worst and most likely the
most annoying member of the group, he is in his usual
bathrobe and sunglasses,his back is to us, as he sits in his
dirty computer chair

JAKE
Whats good buddy!!!?

RYAN
(dissapointed)
oh nothing......buddy?

JAKE
we playing poker tonight or did i
clean you bitches out last time

RYAN
well......no theres no poker
tonight, i called the boys and
they cant make it.

JAKE
damn...so what are we doing
tonight? drinkin? smoke'in pot?
cause you know i got the killer
bud

RYAN
yea thats great..but WE aren't
doing anything tonight...im going
out with the girlfriend

JAKE
ight...she got a sister?

RYAN
umm yea but shes like three

JAKE
hey as long as they got a pulse
right??

RYAN
DUDE!!!!

            JAKE
hey hey im fucking with ya , the
pulse is optional
      (in upper class
       accent)
            (MORE)

JAKE (cont'd)
now what time shall i be over?

RYAN
HER SISTERS NOT COMING OVER!!!!

JAKE
thats ok i dont mind sloppy
seconds

RYAN
JAKE look I...

before RYAN can finish his sentence he is cut off by a loud
voice coming from JAKE's house,(up the stairs)

JAKES GRANDMA (os)
JAKE!!!!!!

JAKE
(to grandma)
WHAT!!!!

JAKES GRANDMA (os)
DO YOU HAVE MY PHONE!?!?!?

JAKE
YES!!!!!

JAKES GRANDMA (os)
WHY DO YOU KEEP TAKING MY
PHONE!?!?!?!

JAKE
JUST GET OFF MY BACK WOMAN!?!?!?!

JAKES GRANDMA (os)
JESUS CHRIST

JAKE
(to RYAN)
look i gotta go the old broad is
on my ass again

JAKE hangs up the dirty phone

////~SPLIT SCREEN OUT~

Ryan hangs up the phone and places it back on his dresser

RYAN
(to self)
i gotta get a caller ID or
something

he starts to walk away, he takes a few steps , stops to
think , and walks back to pick up the phone

RYAN
dammit

TITLE CARD: - FAST EDDIE + NOLAN BRYER

INT. FRAT HOUSE - DAY

we are dragged trough a frat house, passing its partiers in
a goodfellas-esqe fashion, we pass drunken idiots, an INDIAN
KID playing an acoustic guitar singing his heart out, girls
making out, spin the bottle players, then we get to a room
where Nolan is on a couch in the middle of two Hott
Blondes...we spin around them

HOTT BLONDE
(confused)
so i kiss her....and than
you??....

NOLAN
no you kiss us both at the same
time..it's called a triple
kiss....

HOTT BLONDE
(still confused)
i dont get it

NOLAN
it's not that hard...just....
start kissing her then i'll join
in

the girls start to make out,Nolan takes it in, and then
joins them..we spin back to the door and continue through
the party....till finally we get to a back room where a man
is playing beer pong with two hot blond college freshmen
girls, he carrfully aims...and makes his shot in..we have
now met FAST EDDIE, the ladies man, mans man, man about town

FAST EDDIE
(Proudly)
now drink up ho!

one of the girls chugs the cup, FAST EDDIE realizes that his
phone is ringing(his ringer is the theme from "beverly hills
cop") and answers it, before he can answer it another HOTT
BLONDE snatches it from him..

HOTT BLONDE
(in a sexy voice)
hi you've reached Eddie's pants,
he's not in them right now, leave
a brief and sensual massege and
he'll get back to you at his
earliest convenience...

FAST EDDIE
woman, give me my phone..
(beat)
Talk to me?!?

////~SPLIT SCREEN IN~

RYAN
ED?!

FAST EDDIE
YO!! RYAN! MY MAN!!!!

RYAN
(hears music in BG)
what the hell are you doing?!?

FAST EDDIE
BEER-PONG BITCH

tosses ball

RYAN
where the hell are you?

FAST EDDIE
i dont know,i'm with Nolan at some
frat party in new brunswick...TRI
LAM's or something....

a black chick passes EDDIE and he slaps her ass

RYAN
(shocked)
YOUR AT A PARTY!?! WHO THE HELL IS
AT A PARTY THIS EARLY IN THE
MORNING!?!?

FAST EDDIE
This early in the morning?...we're
still here from monday baby

RYAN
(still shocked)
IT'S WEDNESDAY!!

FAST EDDIE
and?

RYAN
..uh well.... theres poker at my
house at seven tonight, you guys
in?

FAST EDDIE
yea we might as well, these junior
girls are getting old anyway...

RYAN
(shocked further)
YOUR AT A PARTY?!?! WITH JUNIOR
GIRLS??...FORM WHERE?!?!

FAST EDDIE
(looks around)
Rutgers...hey look i gotta go or
ill miss the wet t-shirt contest,
see ya tonight

///~SPLIT SCREEN OUT~

FAST EDDIE (os)
NOW LET ME SEE THEM TITAYES!!!!!

NOLAN (os)
YEAA...LET'S SEE UM'!!!!!

and with that we hear a CLICK, RYAN shakes his head , tosses
the phone on the bed and walks off screen

-OPENING CREDITS-

INT. RYANS HOUSE - DAY

TITLE CARD: - ANTICIPATION

the credits play over this chapther
(song "debaser" by: The Pixies)

Ryan is getting ready for the big game, he showers, gets
dressed,has a bit to eat before leaving meanwhile he is
unaware that a police sketch of JAKE is on the tv with the
caption "SUBURBAN MADNESS!", Ryan leaves his house

EXT. STREET - DAY

Ryan tries a number of stores but they all seem to be closed
for some reason, so he decides to go to the seven-eleven.

EXT. 7/11 - DAY

Ryan walks up to a clerk who is, to Ryans amazement, locking
up shop

RYAN
hey i though you guys were open
twentyfour hours?

            7/11 CLERK
      (confused at what
       seems to be a
       really stupid
       question)
not in a row?

the clerk locks the door and walks away, Ryan stares at the
store, pondering what could be going on, then he leaves
aswell

EXT. RYANS HOUSE - DAY

Ryan egarly waits outside his house for someone to come, the
day has no turned to night...after a while he looks
offscreen

RYAN
(looking offscreen)
well its about fucking time!

EXT. RYANS HOUSE - NIGHT

TITLE CARD: - THE FIRST OF MANY

Allan enters frame, he walks up to Ryan who is sitting on
the curb infront of his house

ALLAN
what?

10.

RYAN
what the fuck!?! your an hour
late, i've been waiting out here
for like an hour!!

ALLAN
like its a big deal, you fucking
live here, why didnt you wait
inside?

            RYAN
      (realizing that he
       didnt have to
       wait OUTSIDE)
shut the fuck up...lets go set up

ALLAN
you didnt set anything up yet?

RYAN
no, why?

ALLAN
you just waited out here for an
hour, maybe more, and didnt bother
to set anything up?

RYAN
no

ALLAN
..just checking

Ryan gets up and the two start to walk towards the garage

ALLAN
where is everyone else?

RYAN
the fuck if i know.

ALLAN
so why are you bitching at me for
being late?

RYAN
because you ARE late

ALLAN
well seeing that everyone else
isnt here i think i'm pretty early

11.

RYAN
i dont...and why are you late in
the first place?

ALLAN
you wouldn't beleave me if i told
you

RYAN
what happened?

ALLAN
i'd rather not get into it

RYAN
aw c'mon...what happened

ALLAN
well you told me before that we
were playing at seven right?

RYAN
yea

ALLAN
ok..well.. i figured i would watch
a movie with the girlfriend,
because shes bitching that i dont
spend time with her, and she dosnt
feel well .her dad donsnt love her
you know that whole sthick. but
anyway...so are watching the movie
and she fell asleep.

RYAN
how does that make you late?

ALLAN
well i had my arm around her when
she fell asleep, and i couldnt get
her off

we see glimpses of Allan trying to get his slumbering other
off his arm

Ryan laughs

ALLAN
hey, shut the fuck up ok,

RYAN
how did it take you until now to
get her off of you?

12.

ALLAN
well, you didnt let me finish, she
fell asleep on my arm right , and
i've been telling you about how
much her father hates me right?

RYAN
he hates you

ALLAN
yea, walking in on your daughter
having butt sex with a strange man
can do that to a person

we see a flashback of a MUCSLE BOUND MAN walk into his
daughters room, where to his sheer grin, he sees Allan
having sex with his daughter

RYAN
jesus!

ALLAN
yea well anyway, she falls asleep
on my arm right..and now im
struggling to get her off of me..

we see another flashback of Allan trying to get his arm
free, he tries to get leverage by pushing on his girlfriends
chest, he licks his lips as he almost gets free

ALLAN
and just my luck,..her father
comes home.

RYAN
oh fuck

ALLAN
yea... well he walked in and saw
me with her,started screaming his
fucking head off, so i manage to
get her off of me and get the hell
out of that house.. he has been
chasing me since then, until i was
able to loose him in an ally
somewhere

we see yet another flashback of the MUSCLE BOUND MAN walking
in to find that ALLAN has his arm around his daughter,
touching her perky breasts, and licking his lips, the man
yells and Allan finally is realeased. then we see Allan
running out the front door, followed by the MAN ,who is
carring a crow bar

13.

Ryan laughes even harder

ALLAN
hey shut the fuck up it was a
tramatic experience for me

RYAN
so i guess you and her are over
huh?

ALLAN
pretty much, and i think i'm
better off because that woman was
into some wierd shit

RYAN
besides engaging in the lude act
of anal penetration?

ALLAN
well she liked to be choked....

RYAN
so?....

ALLAN
and then she wants me to..

Allan whispers into Ryans ear

RYAN
WHOOOAAA!!!

Ryan is taken aback by his friends statement

RYAN
man, you know how to pick your
women.

ALLAN
hey! at least i got a fucking
girlfriend mr. "my girlfriends in
canada for the summer"

RYAN
her fathers a Canadian Diplomat

ALLAN
yea yea yea

the two enter the garage

14.

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

TITLE CARD: - THE SETUP

the two enter the garage and start to set up the table,
cards ,chips, etc...

ALLAN
who else is playing tonight?

RYAN
Shaker and Fast Eddie

ALLAN
Fast Eddie!!

RYAN
why not?

ALLAN
he's an asshole

RYAN
well there was no one else left

ALLAN
what about Asain Mike?

RYAN
he's bed ridden for the next 4
days

ALLAN
holy shit, why?

RYAN
well you know those arm and hammer
toilet wipes

INT. ASIAN MIKE'S BATHROOM - DAY

Mike is sitting on the john, he is reading a playboy.

RYAN (vo)
well his girlfriend was always
complaining to him about skid
marks in his underwear, and she
told him about those baby wipes.
(beat)
so he went and bought them. turns
out he put them next to the arm
and hammer toilet wipes.

15.

ALLAN (vo)
ohh no

RYAN (vo)
oh yea, the poor bastard reached
for the wrong box.

Mike grabs a tiolet wipe

EXT. ASAIN MIKE'S BATHROOM - DAY

we hear a loud,painfull scream come from the other side of
the door

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

ALLAN
damn...
(beat)
what about Hammer?

RYAN
if we knew where he was, i would

ALLAN
what do you mean?

RYAN
about a week and a half ago, he
went to one of those boat parties
you know the one's with all the
beer and swing music

ALLAN
uh huh

RYAN
well he got totally drunk, i mean
really drunk, he was hammered. he
got around to talking to that
Hatian guy from 87th street, then
all of a sudden. he jumped ship.
and we haven't seen him since.

ALLAN
holy shit...
(beat)
well....what about Jake?

Ryan give Allan a look

RYAN
no...

16.

ALLAN
why not, he's not that bad to have
around

RYAN
are you kidding me? almost
everything out of the guys mouth
is the dumbest thing you will hear
all day

INT. JAKES HOUSE - DAY

we see jake in a different place as he says extremly dumb
things

JAKE
man, i could masterbate with both
hands. thats right, im amphibious
(beat)
bad hygene? what am i? hmm, a
scientist

jake is in a baseball uniform, in a gym

JAKE
bench? i start every game

jake is filling out a questionaire.

JAKE
marital status?!? Who am i, the
karate kid?

jake walks into ryans house

JAKE
hey! do you remember when i hooked
up with that blonde chick in your
laundry room? cause neither do
i....

jake is standing at a printer, with Allan

JAKE
CHECK INK?....

Jake opens up the printer where the ink cartriges are

JAKE
hand me that peice of paper.

Allan hands him a page, and jake rubs it on the ink
cartridge. Allan gives him a look.

17.

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

ALLAN
but...

RYAN
NO!

ALLAN
but c'mon man Fast Eddie

RYAN
i dont care, me and Shaker refuse
to play with Jake.

ALLAN
why not,is it about that time his
sister slapped him

INT. JAKES HOUSE - DAY

jake is playing poker with 'the boys', his sister then walks
up to him

JAKE'S SISTER
hey, what are you guys doing?

JAKE
Mand..Get the fuck outta
here..were playing poker!!!!

JAKE'S SISTER
can i play?

JAKE
NO YOU CANNOT PLAY...NO LIMIT
TEXAS HOLD'UM IS A MAN'S GAME
THROUGH AND THROUGH....NO GIRLS
ALOUD!!!!

JAKE'S SISTER
(walking away)
well at least i dont cum on my
bedroom walls!!!!!

JAKE
I STOPPED DOING THAT WEEKS AGO!!!I
ONLY JACK-OFF INTO CONDOMS NOW!!!!
AH HA!!!

JAKE'S SISTER
GO TO HELL!!!!!

18.

JAKE
man. one day i'll show her...I GOT
IT
(stands up)
i'll invent the greatest ass
kicking maneuver of all time...THE
VULCAN NECK PINCH!!!!

RYAN
(to shaker)
should we say....

SHAKER
no...no we should'nt

Jake thinks......we see his sister standing there...Jake
suddenly jumps up from behind her and gives her the Vulcan
Neck Pinch...she collapses.....we then see Jake standing at
the poker game...smiling..he then snaps out of it and deals
out the cards

in the middle of his deal his sister comes back..

JAKE'S SISTER
have you seen the god damn T.V
guide dipshit?!?

JAKE
THATS IT!!!!!

Jake slams the cards down on the table, stand up, and grabs
his sisters neck...his sister then flips out and gives Jake
a big SLAP across the face..

JAKE
(teary eyed)
AAAAAGGGHH!!!!

everyone is silent for too long of a period.....Jake then
POPS up, grabs his chair and goes after his sister..

JAKE'S SISTER
AHHHHHH!!!

she grabs the chair and they have a tug-o-war over it...jake
loses....

JAKE
(in tears)
GET OUT

JAKE'S SISTER
will you calm down?....

19.

JAKE
JUST GET OUT!!!!!

JAKE'S SISTER
what a little bitch..

JAKE'S SISTER leaves

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

RYAN
man you should have seen him the
next day....

ALLAN
why?...

INT. JAKES HOUSE - DAY

Ryan, Jake and Shaker are sitting at the table....Ryan is
playing solitar, Shaker is reading a comic book, and Jake is
at the computer...he brakes the key-board shelf..

JAKE
fuck.....

Jake's sister then walks in...Jake jumps up

JAKE
WHAT THE SHIT ARE YOU DOING
HERE!?!?!?!?....MOM SAYS YOUR NOT
ALOUD WITHIN 5 FEET OF THIS
HOUSE!!!

JAKE'S SISTER
oh shut up......

she tries to walk past jake, Jake steps in front of her and
she lightly pushes him....but he falls on his ass....

JAKE
what the fuck is your problem!!!!

JAKE'S SISTER
i barly touched you.....

JAKE
YOUR FUCKING DEAD AS A
DOORBELL!!!!

his sister runs upstairs, Jake follows....(all the rest of
the dialouge is spoken off screen)

20.

JAKE
I'LL EAT YOUR FACE OFF!!!!!

JAKES UNCLE
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO YOUNG
LADIES TALKING ABOUT?!?!?!

JAKE
SHE BROKE THE KEYBOARD SHELF
THING!!!!!!

JAKES UNCLE
SHE WHAT!!!!!

JAKE'S SISTER
HE'S LIEING!!

JAKE
OK OK I BROKE IT....BUT DONT
WORRY.....I'LL MAKE YOU A NEW ONE
IN SHOP CLASS...

JAKE'S SISTER
YOU COULD'NT EVEN NAIL TWO PEICES
OF WOOD TOGETHER YOU FUCKING
RETARD!!!

JAKE
YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

JAKE'S SISTER
WHAT ARE YOU GUNNA DO ABOUT IT YOU
FREAKING PUSSY?!?!?!?!?

JAKE
I'LL KILL YOU, YOU DEMON SLUT FROM
THE SEVENTH LAYER OF HELL!!!!!

JAKE'S SISTER
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

JAKES UNCLE
HEY!!!!

we hear lots and lots of loud noises from upstairs

SHAKER
do you think we should.....

RYAN
yea...let's get the fuck outta
here

21.

they leave....

EXT. STREET - DAY

Ryan and Shaker are walking down the street, improving a
conversation about what just happend, they go on for a
little while, until the camera pans out and we see Jake
walking beside them..his face is beet red, and his eyes are
glassy... Shaker looks over and see's the horrible sight

SHAKER
JAKE?!?!?!

Ryan looks over and is SHOCKED.....

JAKE
where did you guys go?!?!? i said
i'd be right back...i just went to
get pizza bagels

Jake hold's up the box..

RYAN
uh...no were gunna be going....

JAKE
but why....? you guys don't like
pizza bagels?

SHAKER
no...we do...it's just too hostile
of an enviroment...

JAKE
is it because i ran up the stairs
to loud?!?

RYAN
no man....look it's not a big
deal...we'll just be going to my
house..

JAKE
can i come?

RYAN
well i dont know ma.....

JAKE
GREAT....i'll bring the bagels!!!

22.

INT. RYANS HOUSE - DAY

the boys are sitting on a couch.....silent...jake is still
red

JAKE
man!!whats the matter with you
stiffs?!?!?...

Shaker and Ryan flash him a look

JAKE
i know....i'll fire up the bagels

Jake grabs the box of bagels, and runs to the kitchen

TITLE CARD - 45 SECONDS LATER

jake comes down the stairs with a plate filled with pizza
bagels

JAKE
ok good buddies....dig in!!!

we see the plate of disgusting pizza bagels

RYAN
how long did you put them in for?

JAKE
the vernaglia standard!!thirty
seconds

RYAN
uhh...i think you under cooked
them by like 5 minutes

JAKE
HOGWASH!!!this is how me and my
uncle eat them all the time

jake starts to eat the disgusting pizza bagels...Ryan and
Shaker give a look of disgust..

FREEZE FRAME

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

ALLAN
jesus.....

23.

RYAN
yea....and beleave it or not,
that's not why he isnt playing
tonight

ALLAN
well then why the hell are'nt we
playing with jake...or at his
house for that matter

RYAN
you didnt hear what happend from
Shaker?

ALLAN
no why...

RYAN
you didnt hear about his last
episode

ALLAN
"episode"

RYAN
yea i'll explain.. remember when
you couldnt play two weeks ago
because you went down the shore?

ALLAN
yea

RYAN
ok well we needed a fourth person,
so we had to use Jakes sister

ALLAN
YOU REPLACED ME WITH HER?!?!?

RYAN
we had no choice it was a last
minite decesion

ALLAN
yea but his fucking sister

RYAN
well anyway... we were sitting at
the poker table...

24.

INT. JAKES ROOM - NIGHT

there are four people sitting at a poker table, going
clockwise, Ryan, Jake (in a white poker sweat suit), Shaker,
and Jakes sister. they are playing a hand of no limit texas
hold'um

RYAN (vo)
...right, and Jake is fucking
loosing chips left and right, and
all to his sister no less

ALLAN (vo)
i guess he was pissed you guys
made her play huh?

RYAN (vo)
we didnt make her do anything , it
was jakes idea, anyway...Jake is
loosing all his money to his
sister right, till finnally he
gets a monster hand, and goes all
in

Jake pushes the little amount of chips he has into the pot,
and his sister call's him....jake starts to twitch

RYAN (vo)
now me and shaker fold right, but
his sister calls witch did nothing
but piss him off further...you
know how when he loses he starts
that whol twitching thing

ALLAN (vo)
how bad was it that night?

RYAN (vo)
well, let's just say that it made
the time he did it when he lost to
my cousin RICKY from Rockaway,
look like he was just streching
his neck

ALLAN (vo)
wow...thats pretty bad..

RYAN (vo)
tell me about it...anyway....

the two of them flip over there cards, Jakes sister shows
pocket 2d2s , and Jake show the juggernaut of a hand AdAh's

25.

the flop is dealt, 2h Ac 10s, Jake jumps up form his seat
with joy

Jake starts taunting his sister with hand jestures

the turn is dealt, Kd, jake is even happier

JAKE
ive been waiting all my life for
this moment...ADMIT DEAFEAT
Bitch!!!

then finally the river is dealt, 2c

JAKE
AHAHAHA OH YES BABY!!!! YOU SEE
THAT BITCH!!! FULL HOUSE... BOATS
FULL, WHU!!!!

Jake makes a pumping motion with his arm and sits down,he
goes to collect the chips but his sister stops him, shows
him her hand, and takes the chips...jake then reaches for a
stack of his sisters chips..she smacks his hand away.....

JAKE'S SISTER
what the hell do you think your
doing.?!?!?

JAKE
awe c'mon. i give you money all
the time!!!!

JAKE'S SISTER
no you don't....im not giving you
any more money from now on.!!!i'd
rather give a complete stranger my
money!!!!

JAKE
c'mon!!!BLOOD IS THICKER THAN
STRANGERS!!!!!

JAKE'S SISTER
NO!!!!!!!

we see jake...PISSED, jakes "flip out" music plays
("comanche" by the Revels)

FREEZE FRAME

RYAN (vo)
and that did it

26.

ALLAN (vo)
did what?

RYAN (vo)
Drove him over the edge

Jake dives across the table, tackles his sister and starts
to choke her while Ryan and Shaker try to pry him off, a few
moments pass and Jakes uncle runs down the stairs

JAKES UNCLE
WHAT THE SHIT DO YOU THINK YOUR
DOING?!?!?!ARE YOU FUCKED IN THE
BRAIN YOU COCK GRABBIN
FLYBOY!!!!!!

Jakes uncle joins Ryan and Shaker in prying jake off

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

ALLAN
then what?

RYAN
well we eventually got him off his
sister, and then he went in the
laundry room and cried for aobut
two hours

ALLAN
how much was the pot worth?

RYAN
about four dollars and change

ALLAN
ok, no more games with Jake

FADE OUT

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

TITLE CARD: - BOXING HELENA

FADE IN

Ryan and Allan are sitting at the table

RYAN
impossible!

27.

ALLAN
why is it so hard to beleave?

RYAN
because it's ridiculous! the Fonz
was not a constant masterbater..

ALLAN
just think about it....he could do
anything with that wrist, turn on
the jukebox,turn on lights, open
and close a cabinet, i mean the
man can do anything with that
thing

RYAN
but he was always surrounded by
women..

ALLAN
prudes

RYAN
oh c'mon....he was elbow deep in
pussy.

ALLAN
women back then never gave it up,
sure a few did, and those are the
only one's we hear about making it
seem like there were tons of them.
sure the fonz got
laid...sometimes, and thats why
cunningham and gang all looked up
to him...ecept potzie, he was fag.

RYAN
get the fuck out of here.

ALLAN
im right, trust me on this one

RYAN
Potzie wasn't gay... he was just
misunderstood

ALLAN
oh he was understood alright...by
guys....alot of celebrities are
gay Fabio, Shatner

28.

RYAN
Star Trek William Shatner?

ALLAN
uh huh,Piazza,Spader,Oprah,Snipes,
Hopper, Spacey,Cruise, Queen
Latifa

RYAN
Queen latifa

ALLAN
total dyke

RYAN
what!?!

ALLAN
my cousin works security at the
airport, he said that he saw her
with her girlfriend, and that they
paid him to take pictures of them
in erotic poses...

RYAN
well i think your cousin needs to
get his head examined

ALLAN
he had the pictures, i saw them,
and let me tell you, they would
even get Elton John hard
(beat)
man they were really going at it,
all moaning and shit

Allan makes rude gestures via body language

RYAN
alirght i get the idea already
(beat)
...and where are these pictures,
the internet?

ALLAN
well sadly no there not, they made
him sign a waver so he cant
distribute them...but they will be
as soon as her career starts to
plumet like an asteroid bent on
destroying the planet..witch will
be in about 5 months. same thing
with Cameron Diaz, Paris Hilton, i
mean did you know there was a
(MORE)

29.

ALLAN (cont'd)
paris hilton before the tapes?

RYAN
no

ALLAN
exactly, sex tapes came out, and
BAM!!....instant career, it wont
be long before she's in playboy,
and you can quote me on that.
(beat)
that reminds me. did you hear
about Rob

RYAN
what happened?

ALLAN
the government came in and took
his computer away

RYAN
for what?

ALLAN
get this...for having to much
downloaded porn on his computer

RYAN
(shocked)
Was it downloaded illegaly??

ALLAN
No!!! it was perfectly legal, 18
years or older pornography. i
guess he had too much
(beat)
man imagine, how much porn must
you have to have for the
government to come in and take
your computer away.....you'd have
to be the porn king or
something...

30.

INT. ROB'S HOUSE - NIGHT

three F.B.I agents stand outside his house, they count off,
and then run into the house, they walk thorugh a few rooms
until they reach a closed door (techno music plays in the
room), they prepare to go in the room. THEY BURST IN!!! and
we see a teenager in a computer chair, in his underwear,
with a hard on masterbating..... he spins around in his
chair, when he see's the agents there, gun drawn, he stops
masturbating....there is a short pause....and he ejaculates
into the air....

in the next shot, Rob is sitting on his bed, with 2 FBI
agents standing infront of him..the third is standing by the
window and the computer. he looks at the other two agents,
they nod, and he picks up the computer and throws it out the
window...he brushes off his hands and the agents walk away,
Rob is ashamed

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

RYAN
(laughing)
your fucking lying

ALLAN
(laughing aswell)
i swear, i cant make that shit up

RYAN
jesus christ....
(beat)
who would have thought all-star
basketball player Robert Nito was
such a porn freak

ALLAN
yea.....that also reminds me... me
and Shaker were driving through
Newark, right and...

RYAN
Shaker and I were driving through
Newark

ALLAN
i'm trying to tell a story and
your correcting my grammer?,

RYAN
i'm just saying

31.

ALLAN
well anyway, Shaker and I were
driving through Newark..

INT. SHAKERS CAR - NIGHT

Shaker and Allan are driving thru Newark,

SHAKER
i can never understand why women
turn like this....

he pretends to turn like a woman(palm up)

ALLAN
to much ball carrying?

as they drive they have to drive thru a basketball game,
Shaker honks the horn,the players move out of the way, but
one player bounces the ball off of the door.

SHAKER
WHOA watch it you fucking
prick!!!!!!

they pass the crowd and Shaker notices that the same baller
is about to throw the ball at the car, he then pops the
trunk, stops the car suddenly, the ball flys into the trunk,
when it does, he speeds away closing the trunk, the ballers
yell!!!

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

RYAN
bullshit

ALLAN
Whats bullshit?

RYAN
bullshit

ALLAN
i swear

RYAN
BULLSHIT!

ALLAN
wanna bet?

RYAN
name it..

32.

ALLAN
ten bucks..

Allan slams a ten onto the table

RYAN
your on..

Ryans slams a ten onto the table

they look at each other until they hear a KNOCK at the door,
Ryan walks over to asnwer it and it is Shaker, rubbing his
neck

ALLAN
speak of the devil..

SHAKER
yo..

RYAN
ok now why are you late?

SHAKER
fell in the shower

RYAN
what do you mean?!? fell in the
shower

SHAKER
well i was taking a shower, and i
fell

RYAN
how?

SHAKER
there was no bathmat

RYAN
why was there no bathmat?

SHAKER
well, me and the succubus are
separating..

RYAN
separating?!?

33.

SHAKER
yea..well she is moving out, and
with her she is taking everything
she brought..

RYAN
everything?

SHAKER
everything..including the
bathmate, before i could realize
it, i slipped and blacked out,
when i woke up, the place was
empty, all that was there was my
clothes with a note saying that
you called for poker, so i put on
some clothes and came here

Shaker sees the money on the table

SHAKER
what's with the money? you start
without me?

RYAN
oh yea me and Allan here are
having a little bet

SHAKER
on what?

RYAN
did that thing really happen with
you and him in Newark?

SHAKER
Hell yea, i still got the ball in
my car

RYAN
dammit

ALLAN
what did i tell you?

Allan scoops up the money

SHAKER
so who else is playing tonight?

ALLAN
(upset)
Fast Eddie and Nolan

34.

there is a somewhat akward silence, Ryan tries to change the
subject

ALLAN
so what happend with Helena?

there is a KNOCK at the door

FAST EDDIE (os)
open up bitches!!!!!

Ryan answers the door, revealing a post-party Fast Eddie

RYAN
now why are you late

FAST EDDIE
you ever read the "dear penthouse"
letters? the one with the V.W bus
of cheerleaders?something about a
pearl necklace....

RYAN
what the hell are you talking
about?

            FAST EDDIE
      (pinching Ryans
       checks)
hey, if i wanted your opinion, i'd
take my dick out of your mouth

he approaches the table

            FAST EDDIE
      (to Allan and
       Shaker)
well if it isn't Dean Martin and
the five card stud

ALLAN
what?

FAST EDDIE
(waves off Allan)
ahhh.....so what are you asscocks
talking about?

RYAN
about Shaker's girl leaving him

35.

FAST EDDIE
bitches eh? can't live with them,
cant ship them off to canada..am i
right?

ALLAN
she even say why she was leaving?

SHAKER
she said it's because i ruined all
of her future orgasms..and that
leaving me would not only benifit
her clit but also her libido.

FAST EDDIE
you know, to ruin all of her
'future' orgasms, you would have
to give her one to begin with

SHAKER
fuck you

ALLAN
how did you ruin her orgasms?

SHAKER
well, one night we were getting a
little, frisky. she wanted me to
chase her around right. and well i
was wearing socks

RYAN
what does that have to do with
anything

SHAKER
let me finish, so she ran into the
bedroom, told me to wait outside.
so i waited for a few seconds, she
told me to come in and when i did
man oh man, she was spread eagle
on the bed, naked, candles,
tassles, the works right.

FAST EDDIE
(grabbing groin)
whoa slow down, your making me
hard

SHAKER
tell me about it, so she tells me
to eat her out right, so i go down
and when i start to lick her clit,
(MORE)

36.

SHAKER (cont'd)
then all of a sudden, bam! she
jumps up screaming

RYAN
it was that good?

SHAKER
yea i wish,

ALLAN
so then why did she scream?

SHAKER
well remember when you asked what
the socks have to do with the
story?
(beat)
when i was chasing her around, i
built up enough static electricity
with my socks rubbing agaisnt the
carpet that as soon as my tounge
came in contact with her,

ALLAN
THATS IMPOSSIBLE

SHAKER
tell that to her nulled sex organs

RYAN
is that why she's leaving

SHAKER
well that and she meet someone
else, she met him at the doctors
office, he had the same problem as
her,only is involved hot sauce
they saw it as fate. i think his
name was Hanz or something, a
lifeguard

FAST EDDIE
shit!!! some kinky bikini wearing
fuckhole is hit'in your chick

SHAKER
she started to pack her shit two
days ago

ALLAN
what did she make out with?

37.

FAST EDDIE
besides the french lifeguard?

SHAKER
shut the fuck up, like you never
had girl troubles

FAST EDDIE
fuck no, only bad experince i had
was a gay party

RYAN
by gay you mean bad?

FAST EDDIE
no by gay i mean it was like the a
fucking G.L.A.A.D
convention...only there were no
fucking girls, and by no girls i
dont mean no straight girls,
because even if there wernt i
still could have enjoyed watching
two twenty three year old funky
ac/dc macromastic catamenia-free
cherry's foot fuck one another or
something, but alas there were NO
FEMALES..it was the ultimate high
school helmet party....

INT. SAUSAGE FEST - NIGHT

Fast Eddie walks into the house,as he walks to the bar to
get a drink,he passes Bears, men in leather,Drag Queens,
etc.

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

ALLAN
so why the fuck did you stay?

FAST EDDIE
i though the girls were late

SHAKER
what?

FAST EDDIE
that and a pirate kept buying me
drinks

RYAN
a pirate

38.

FAST EDDIE
i think he was, he had and
eyepatch

INT. SAUSAGE FEST - NIGHT

a man with an eypatch, short shorts, and roller skates hands
Fast Eddie a drink, Fast Eddie looks around and notices that
he is at a party by men, for men, just men

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

FAST EDDIE
then it hit me...this was a
fucking gay bar

RYAN
so then what did you do?

FAST EDDIE
what do you think? i got the fuck
outta dodge, i went to another
party, eh straight party, then
made like sisco and unleashed the
dragon

INT. SAUSAGE FEST - NIGHT

Fast Eddie is half naked singing and dancing with the pirate

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

SHAKER
bullshit

FAST EDDIE
well at least im not being left
for some fucking grape smuggler

SHAKER
am i the one who was left for
another woman?

FAST EDDIE
ahhhh

ALLAN
whats he talking about

FAST EDDIE
it's nothing

39.

ALLAN
no cmon

FAST EDDIE
it's really nothing, i hooked up
with this girl

SHAKER
and one week later

FAST EDDIE
jesus your a ball-breaker

RYAN
one week later what?

FAST EDDIE
i hooked up with her and one week
later she.....

SHAKER
here it comes

FAST EDDIE
she got a girlfriend

RYAN
WHAT!?

FAST EDDIE
she's a lesbian now, what about
it?

ALLAN
wow that sucks for you

FAST EDDIE
how does it suck for me?

ALLAN
well , you turned her

FAST EDDIE
, i didnt turn shit, ok, we wernt
together long enough for it to be
my fault, i wasnt an abusive
boyfriend or an asshole

SHAKER
well..

40.

FAST EDDIE
(points to shaker)
dont you fucking start.....we were
only together for one night, if
anything i should be happy

RYAN
why?

FAST EDDIE
well i hooked up with a lesbian

RYAN
but she wasnt a lesbian when you
two got good

FAST EDDIE
well, they say that if your a gay,
your born that way, so she was
funky before i even met her.

ALLAN
so what did you think when you
found out?

FAST EDDIE
i didnt really think anything of
it, until i found out who her
girlfriend was

SHAKER
oh how could i forget about that,
it's my favirote part.

ALLAN
why who was it? "Amtrack" Amy?

RYAN
yea, or "Moaning" Megan?

FAST EDDIE
yea i wish, at least then i'd have
a shot a a three-way...

RYAN
then who?

FAST EDDIE
"Holland Tunnel" Holly

41.

ALLAN
how the hell did that happen? i
thought she was strickly dickly

            FAST EDDIE
      (makes penetrating
       gestures with his
       hands)
yea and im only gunna stick the
head in

RYAN
how the hell did they meet?

FAST EDDIE
i guess they were together...got
very drunk...started makeing out,
sooner or later they were dining
at the Y... and i guess they hit
it off..

RYAN
man i would've liked to be a fly
on the wall for that one...

FAST EDDIE
yea you and the rest of northern
new jersey

ALLAN
man, "Holland tunnel" Holly...i
bet she has more notches on her
bedpost than all of us combined,
you'd lose count if you tried to
name ALL of her partners

FAST EDDIE
she would need another fucking bed

SHAKER
just one?

ALLAN
man what i would give to have a
night with her

FAST EDDIE
(to allan)
dude, i wouldn't fuck her with
your dick if shaker was pushing
it. ok

42.

RYAN
so is she bi, or a full blown dyke
now?

FAST EDDIE
who holly?

RYAN
no Queen Latifa, yes Holly!

FAST EDDIE
i dont think so...Nolan hooked up
with her last night

ALLAN
how the hell did he pull that off

FAST EDDIE
it's not some big feat, even
Shaker hear can talk her into a
blowjob

RYAN
wait....where is Nolan

FAST EDDIE
well.....

INT. PARTY-NIGHT

Nolan and Fast Eddie are talking to two french girls on a
couch

FAST EDDIE (vo)
after the 3rd K-Y wrestling match
we ended up talking to two of
these hott french broads..

FAST EDDIE
(checks his watch)
agh shit, Nolan man, we gotta get
going, it's almost seven thirty..

FRENCH GIRL 1
cmon, cant you stay for just a
little longer?

NOLAN
sorry girls, I would really like
to stay here and fling skittles at
your asses all night, but alas we
are men of action, and must take
our leave

43.

FRENCH GIRL 1
aw c'mon you cant leave...

FRENCH GIRL 1 starts to heavly make out with NOLAN. she
whispers something sexy into his ear. they get up and enter
the closet. NOLAN gives FAST EDDIE a look

FAST EDDIE
and we were about to leave but
nolan wanted to lay a little
something down before we left. so
i figured ahh what the hell, it's
a party. so i mingle with this
broad from across the room to idle
away the time

We CUT to Fast Eddie talking to some guy....

FAST EDDIE
so Huey Lewis is pissing off the
golden gate bridge.... and he says
" man the water's cold today, and
deep to!"....

the guy stares at him.....and we see fast eddie chatting
with a few othew partiers.. and finnally we cut to him on
the couch alone...drinking a cold one. and we shit a SPANISH
GIRL walk into the room.... and she is fuck'in pissed...
freeze on her looking around

FAST EDDIE
and now its really only been like
20 minutes... and you guys now
about this girl from Norht Bergen
he was seeing? the spanish one

RYAN (vo)
yea...what was her name... Diana

FAST EDDIE (vo)
yea "Deepthroat" Diana.. well she
shows up.. and she is looking
fucking pissed

resume... she still looks around... fast eddie turns to see
her and he turn away quickly to try and aviod her...but no
use.

DIANA
EDWARD!!!

44.

            FAST EDDIE
      (to himself)
fuck...
      (to diana)
Oh Hey!... the lady in red.. come
have a seat..

DIANA
Don'y give me that shit where's
Nolan

FAST EDDIE
what do you mea...

we see her yelling and pointing at Fast eddie...

FAST EDDIE (vo)
and as it turned out.. she found
out that Nolan was seeing her
friend Megan

ALLAN (vo)
Moan'in Megan?

FAST EDDIE (vo)
yep...Megan got drunk and poured
her heart out to her... so Diana
did some investigating and found
out he was at this party...

            DIANA
      (finishing her
       yelling)
Now where the fuck is he?!?

FAST EDDIE
he went home.... he said he was
going to myrtle beach for a week
or so...i can tell him you were
looking for him if i talk to hi...

just then a DRUNK PARTIER comes up and wraps his arm around
Fast Eddie

DRUNK GUY
yo man... i cant believ Nolan
pulled a fucking hat trick last
night... .and to top it of he
scores another with that
brunette...

45.

FAST EDDIE
what the fuck are you talking
about...

DRUNK GUY
I'm talking about Nolan going into
the closet with that girl... i
just hope he dosnt pull out and
jzz all over my coat....

fast eddie turns back to diana...mouth agape.....

DRUNK GUY
cause i love that fucking coat
man....

Diana walks away furious and walks to the closet... she puts
her hand on the door knob and we FREEZE

FAST EDDIE (vo)
and now to understand what's about
to happen i have to
explain...Nolan was getting a
blowjob from the french girl and
his back was towards the
jackets...so that would mean that
the girl had her back to the door
right?

RYAN (vo)
right...

FAST EDDIE
ok and the french girls feet were
proped up agaisnt the door for
balance.... so thats how they are
in the closet.... and for some
reason, i have no clue why... the
closet door swung in and not
out...

Diana pushes the door in..we see a shot of fast eddie
standing facing the closet with a look of grimace on his
face.. and we hear a painfull yell...

NOLAN (os)
FUCK!

Eddie covers his open mouth with his hand...and we FREEZE
again

46.

FAST EDDIE (vo)
so what happened was the door
opened, pushing the girls feet
forward..and this caused her to
jump....thus

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

FAST EDDIE
(con't)
causeing her to bite down harder
than the iceman himself..

Eddie bites down like ICEMAN from TOP GUN. and the rest of
the guys have pained expressions on there faces

ALLAN
where the hell is he now?

FAST EDDIE
home icing down his cock...ya
know i though she bit the thing
right off... but god bless him he
got one strong muscle...

(SCENE UNFINISHED)

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

FADE IN

TITLE CARD: THE KING

Ryan, Allan, and Fast Eddie are sitting at the table

RYAN
do any of you guys remeber the
story about that cop who got
kicked off the beat?

ALLAN
witch one?

RYAN
it was like a year ago?

FAST EDDIE
i dont know

ALLAN
i do, why?

47.

RYAN
well i never really got the whole
story

ALLAN
well its not much of a story

FAST EDDIE
so? tell the fucking thing!

ALLAN
alright...well there was this cop

EXT. THE BEAT - DAY

Special 1 is in his car, a muslem is in a sports car,
revving his engine, blowing black smoke onto the hood of the
specials car.

SPECIAL 1
(mumbles profanities under his
breath)

Special 1 suddenly gets out of his car, approaches the
muslum, rips him out of the car and bends him infront of his
own exhaust. He then goes into the sports car and starts to
revv the engine, giving the Muslum a face full of black
smoke

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

ALLAN
after that they sent him to edicit
classes. and when he failed out by
peeing on the teacher, they
demoted him to the lowest form of
law enforcement

FAST EDDIE
CROSSING GUARD?!?!?!...because
there really low on the ladder

ALLAN
lower....

RYAN
whats lower than that?

ALLAN
they made him.....a special

Ryan and Fast Eddie are taken back a little

48.

FAST EDDIE
no fucking way

ALLAN
yes fucking way, hes been there
ever since....now will you deal
out the fucking cards

Ryan starts to deal out the cards

SHAKER (os)
A FUCKING GRAPE SMUGGLER FOR
CHRIST SAKE!!!!!!

EXT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

Shaker is on his cell, with Helena

SHAKER
.(improvises a conversation).

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

they have finished the hand, Fast Eddie and Ryan flip over
there cards

FAST EDDIE
Flush, 10 high

RYAN
full boat, aces over fives

FAST EDDIE
(reaches for chips)
YES

RYAN
the hell you doing?

FAST EDDIE
taking what's mine bitch

RYAN
The fuck are you talkin about?

FAST EDDIE
flush beats a full house

RYAN
noo full house beats a flush

49.

FAST EDDIE
no it doesn't, you narc

the two start arguing until Allan stands up

ALLAN
hey!!!!!

both stare at him with blank expressions

ALLAN
lets take this to the king

FAST EDDIE
(confused)
the who?

EXT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

as the 3 are walking out of the garage, they pass Shaker,
Ryan gives him a "what are you doing?" look

SHAKER
bitch put me on hold

as the 3 continue on they're way to the house, ryan explains
who the king is.

RYAN
his real name was, Craig Mercury,
he was a high roller back in the
day, until he lost all his money
and then some to the irish mob, so
he made an instructional video on
texas holdem in order to sell it
to raise money to pay off his
debt. needless to say, it was a
flop, no pun intended, so he
disappeared back in 1986 or so,
there were only 300 videos in
circulation worldwide, though
nowadays there are probably 6

FAST EDDIE
if only he got into porn

they enter his house

50.

INT. RYANS ROOM - NIGHT

they enter ryans room, ryan pulls out a safe, opens it to
reveal a video, he pulls the tape out and closes the safe.
he then pops it into his VCR and they all sit and watch "the
rules of texas holdem"(and old-time video,)

- POKER, THE ROYAL WAY

INT. THE KINGS PAD - DAY

the king steps into frame

THE KING
heeeeelo!! and welcome to "the
rules of texas hold'em" they call
me "the king" and today, ill be
your mentor on the finest game in
the planet,
no....limit....texas...holdem

fancy poker playing intro

we see the king sitting at a poker table

THE KING
first let me explain how things
start off.
(beat)
first you need some good friends

three men appear at the table. in proper attire acording to
the times

THE KING
then youll need some vegas chips,

stacks of potato chips appear infront of them

THE KING
NOOO, not those kind of chips

the potato chips disapper and poker chips take there place

THE KING
and finally a deck of 52 playing
cards, four suits, 15 different
faces

a deck apears in the middle of the table

51.

THE KING
now we are ready to play, first
you must choose a dealer,
(points to himself)
..now the person left of the
dealer is call the small
blind...Blinds are forced bets to
ensure action in the pot, after
him is the big blind, witch is
twice as much as the small one

the Small and Big Blind guys put there chips in

THE KING
the dealer then deals the "pocket
cards" each player gets 2 cards,
one at a time, face down

The King deals out the cards

THE KING
each player, from the player left
of the big blind makes there bets

every one makes there bets

THE KING
(dealing the flop)
and now we deal out community
cards witch everyone shares to
make their hand, first is the
flop, three cards face up in the
middle of the table, after that,
the player left from the dealer
makes his bet, then the next guy
and so on.

everyone makes their bets

THE KING
when the betting is done, you deal
the turn, witch is another card
face up

deals the turn

THE KING
then yet another round of betting
occurs and then you deal the
river, the card that can make, or
brake your hand

deals the river

52.

THE KING
the last round of betting occurs,
then whoever is left flips there
cards over to reveal a winner

the king sits alone at the table

THE KING
now that you know what happens
when you play, its time to learn
what cards beat what

the king pulls out cards as he anounces them

            THE KING
first there is the high card,when
you got nothing, this little guy
is your last line of defense
      (beat)
then a pair, two cards of the same
rank
      (beat)
the there is three of a kind,
witch is just what the name
implies, also known as "trips"
      (beat)
then there is a sraight, five
cards in seqencial order, you can
play Ace high ans in 10,jack,
queen , king , Ace...or ace low as
in Ace, two, three, four, five
      (beat)
after that comes a flush, 5 cards
of the same suit,
      (beat)
then there is a full house, three
of a kind plus a pair

INT. RYANS ROOM - NIGHT

RYAN
i fucking told you

FAST EDDIE
yea yea....

53.

INT. THE KINGS PAD - NIGHT

            THE KING
beating that is a four of a kind,
tough to get, but when you do,
your pretty much bound to win with
it
      (beat)
unless someone else has a straight
flush, five cards of the same
suit and in seqeuncial order
      (beat)
and then there is the mother of
all poker hands...my signiture
hand...THE ROYAL
FLUSH....ten,jack,queen,king,ace
all of the same suit

The King stands in an out of place location

THE KING
now lets try our knowledge in a
good old game of ....NO LIMIT
TEXAS HOLD'UM
(beat)
but first i need a drink

a woman with a tray brings him a Jack n' Coke on the rocks

WOMAN WITH TRAY
hey are you guys gunna play some
texas hold'em?

THE KING
oh why yes we are hot pants

WOMAN WITH TRAY
do you think i could play?

            THE KING
oh i dont think so, but if your
good i'll let you sit on my lap,
and play with my chips
      (beat)
and by chips i mean my penis
      (beat)
now run along dear before Big
Daddy Mercury changes his mind...

she walks away and The King breaks the fourth wall, but not
before giving the woman a nice little pat on the behind.

54.

THE KING
ahh women, you gotta give them
credit for trying.. now where was
i? oh yes..shuffle up and deal

The King is at the table with his poker buddies, the game
goes on until the king is left with one guy, the king losses
and tackles the winner in a jake fashion

INT. RYANS ROOM - NIGHT

they look at the screen with awe

ALLAN
(dumb founded)
What the fuck just happend?

FADE OUT

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

(SCENE IS UNFINSIHED)

TITLE CARD: PUSHER_MAN

FADE IN

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

FAST EDDIE
and thats when i got fired from my
7th job, at the convenience store

SHAKER
you put somebody in a freezer?

FAST EDDIE
well, kinda

RYAN
what kind of freezer was this
again?

FAST EDDIE
you know those big freezers where
they keep the ice, the ones with
the doors.

ALLAN
What?

55.

FAST EDDIE
it's not like it was against his
will

ALLAN
he went in willingly?!?

FAST EDDIE
yea he was trying to break the
record

SHAKER
what record?

FAST EDDIE
he wanted to break the record for
longest time spent in the ice
freezer

ALLAN
what was the record?

FAST EDDIE
eight hours

SHAKER
who the hell sat in an ice freezer
for eight hours?

FAST EDDIE
(proudly)
me

everyone stares at Ed, amazed.

FAST EDDIE
what?

RYAN
and how long did this cat stay in
for?

FAST EDDIE
almost three and a half hours. but
the boss came in, flipped a shit,
and then fired me.

ALLAN
why did she only fire you?

FAST EDDIE
i dont know, she was always
looking for a reason to fire me.

56.

RYAN
and why is that

FAST EDDIE
well i kinda....popped one in her
eye, blinded her for like four
days, but hey, it's like an
occupational hazard...

ALLAN
WHAT?!?!?

FAST EDDIE
well she wanted me to give her a
"Tony Montana" and she was

ALLAN
wait wait wait wait wait.. what
the fuck is a "Tony Montana"?!?

FAST EDDIE
well its a blow job term... the
girl is on her knees sucking the
guy off, and just before the guy
pops, the girl tilts her head back
and the guy busts one up her
nose...

They all sit in silence....and Fast Eddie sniffs loudly..
the all go "OHHHHH!"

SHAKER
Why would you even do that?

FAST EDDIE
Hey. it was apon request, i guess
she like the drip or something.

RYAN
but you said you got her in the
eye...

FAST EDDIE
well she moved at the last
second...and i hit her in the
eye... sperm travels at a velocity
of twenty-eight miles per hour...
now thats enough to do some
damage.

RYAN
and you were pipeing your boss?
the one with the limp?

57.

FAST EDDIE
limp nothing she was hot, and she
insissted on doing it,

RYAN
well you could have showed some
self control and said no

FAST EDDIE
why the hell would i say no she
was hot

ALLAN
have you ever heard the prhase "
dont shit where you sleep"?

FAST EDDIE
no,

SHAKER
well at least you still got that
job at that summer camp.

FAST EDDIE
nope. i got fired from that one
to.

ALLAN
oh i gotta hear this one.

SHAKER
now what was this for?

FAST EDDIE
some people just cant take a joke

SHAKER
what?

FAST EDDIE
ok well...

INT. PARK - DAY

single shot of Fast Eddie, who is sitting on a
bench,(song:"doing time"- Sublime)

FAST EDDIE
.....Ok....So a family walks into
a talent agency. It's a father,
mother, son, daughter and dog. The
father says to the talent agent,
"We have a really amazing act. You
should represent us."
(MORE)

58.

FAST EDDIE (cont'd)

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't
represent family acts. They're a
little too cute."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just
see our act, we know you would
want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take
a look."

The father steps forward in a
tuxedo and produces two rolls of
pennies from his pocket. The
father snaps the rolls against one
another, breaking them in half. At
that very instant his wife rips
off the father�s pants, revealing
his rather turgid wand. Pouring
all one hundred pennies into one
hand he snaps his fingers with his
free hand and his daughter strips
down and kneels at the father�s
ass. The son does the same thing
in front of the father while the
now naked mother begins blowing
the dog.

The father places five pennies in
his daughter�s mouth, which she
immediately begins pushing up the
father�s ass with her tongue. The
son begins vigorously sucking the
father�s dick. The father suddenly
twitches and the son�s cheeks
immediately swell. The son spits
out a mouthful of piss onto the
baby� head along with one shiny
nickel.

The father places another five
pennies into the daughter�s mouth
and the process continues. Every
time the son spits a nickel on the
baby�s head, the baby plucks the
nickel off his melon and swallows
it. After every other nickel, the
mother slides her fist up the
baby�s ass to retrieve a single
dime. Never taking her lips off
the dog�s cock, the mother inserts
the dime elbow deep into the dog�s
(MORE)

59.

FAST EDDIE (cont'd)
ass.

FAST EDDIE
By this time the father, now out
of pennies, bends over and starts
to blow the son. The daughter
straps on a ten inch black cock
and starts tearing up the father�s
ass. After taking the fifth dime
up his ass, the mother stops
blowing the dog long enough for
the dog to vomit two quarter into
the mom�s mouth. The dog takes the
last five dimes up the ass and
vomits another two quarter�s into
the mother�s mouth. After the
second load of vomit, the mother
cannonballs the entire load of
quarters down her throat and bends
over.

The baby, covered in piss, takes a
running start and swan dives
across the agent�s office into the
mother�s ass. As the baby
continues wiggling in up to his
ankles, the mom rolls onto her
back and pulls her knees to her
ears.

The dad, brother, sister and dog
all jump up on the backs of the
furniture. The dad starts jerking
off, the daughter squats and
starts pissing all over the room.
Nearly simultaneously, the son
pulls a shit stained cork out of
his ass and does a double
round-off off the back of the
couch. The mom grabs the string to
her tampon and yanks it out. Just
as the son finishes his second
flip onto the cum and vomit
covered mom, the dad cums into the
air and the dog begins projectile
vomiting.

he takes a drink of water

60.

            FAST EDDIE
At the exact moment the son lands
backward on the mom�s belly, his
swollen sphincter gives up a thick
stream of watery brown shit, while
a quart of thick globs of dark
blood and yuck spews out of the
mom�s cooze. The pressure causes
the baby to shoot out of the mom�s
ass across the room. The baby
pulls a one and one half gainer
with a half twist through the
raining torrent of dad�s cum,
sister�s piss, the dog�s vomit,
brother�s shit and the mom�s
bloody vaginal secretions.

The baby lands and slides on his
knees across the agent�s cum,
piss, vomit, shit, blood covered
desk until he comes to a stop,
plucks a shiny silver dollar from
his shitty, piss stained, jizz
covered teeth, holds the coin up
and says

"Taaaaaaaaah-Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaah."
      (beat)
For the longest time, the agent
just sits in silence. Finally, he
manages, "That's a hell of an act.
What do you call it?"

And the father says,.....
      (beat, fast eddie
       gives and "olay!"
       finger snap)
"The Aristocrats!"

the camera then swings over to reveal a bunch of small
children and the parents with gaping mouths staring and him,
a few are crying... even some adults

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

Shaker and Allan are staring at Eddie

FAST EDDIE
what?

ALLAN
what the hell is a matter with
you?

61.

Ryan walks in on the phone

            RYAN
      (angry)
are you sure your dry?
      (beat)
shit. yea i understand, bye

he hangs up the phone, and every one stare at HIM

RYAN
how the hell could this whole town
be dry?

FAST EDDIE
there's a drought. its been like
this for fucking weeks

SHAKER
did you try Bismark.

RYAN
NO. i dont trust that prick after
what he did to me and Allan

FAST EDDIE
good, fucking prick, the last time
i smoked with him, some lady
stopped me on my walk home and
made me fix her T.V

SHAKER
why, what'd he do?

RYAN
i dont wanna talk about it

SHAKER
aw cmon,

Ryan and Allan look at each other

RYAN
you can tell him.

            ALLAN
      (beat)
ahh fuck it.
      (beat)
so me and Ry are sitting around
one saturday evening, and we
decide to buy a twenty, so he
calls his usual guy.

62.

FAST EDDIE
Bismark

ALLAN
right, So his dealer say's he's
out. but he suggested this other
guy, Denmark..

SHAKER
who?

ALLAN
you might have seen him around.
he's like that neo-hippie guy. he
coaches the pee wee soccer team.

EXT. SOCCER FEILD - DAY

we see Denmark, standing on the sidelines, whiles kids
practice soccer.

DENMARK
ya see man, the ball is just a
metaphor for your anger
man....just kick it Away man, just
kick it away

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

SHAKER
oh yea...

ALLAN
ok well, Bis said that he grew it
out of his house and shit, he was
like a sherpa or something. anyway
he supposedly only sold it to
close, close, close friends. and
all we had to do was drop Bis's
name and everything would be just
fine, right?.....wrong!

INT. RYANS HOUSE - DAY

Ryan is walking around his house, one the phone with BISMARK
(split-screen)

BISMARK
i'm telling you man, im completly
out. i sent a recon team up to the
Cliffs, but i make no promisses

63.

RYAN
fuck. dont you have shit in
reserve incase this kind of shit
happens?

BISMARK
yes, but that's MY SHIT...

RYAN
FUCK!!!! C'mon man i've been a
loyal fucking customer for years
now. i could buy from someone
else. but no! i stick with you.
you gotta have something

BISMARK
well.....
(looks around)
have you ever heard of Denmark
Villapando?

RYAN
who?

BISMARK
he is only the best weed farmer in
the entire east coast. he mostly
grows outta his basement, but ive
heard rumers of him growing in
southern philly.

RYAN
and?

BISMARK
I'm gunna send you to buy it from
him. just tell him i sent you

RYAN
and why aren't you buying it from
him?

BISMARK
because this is the guy i would go
to if i needed to get high... if i
wasnt a dealer.....he's like the
A-team....when you want the
best...there's only one way to
go...

RYAN
well then why dont i just buy it
from him..

64.

BISMARK
well he dosn't really deal... this
is a favor for me...

RYAN
whats the address

BISMARK
thats what i like to hear. you got
a pen?

we cut to a single shot of
Ryan. he is writing down the address.after he is down he
walks over to Allan, who is sleeping

RYAN
wake up asshole, were going

ALLAN
(groggy)
huh..wha?

RYAN
put some fucking shoes on, were
leaving

ALLAN
what the fuck for?

RYAN
i found a dealer

ALLAN
i thought this place was dry.

RYAN
apparently not.

EXT. RYANS HOUSE - DAY

Ryan and Allan walk out of Ryans house, they walk to Ryans
car

ALLAN
who is this guy anyway?

RYAN
Denmark Villapando

ALLAN
i though that guy died in like
some forest fire in the early 90's

65.

RYAN
you heard of him?

ALLAN
you havent?!? i heard he shot a
guy with a blowgun loaded with an
arrow dipped in nyquil

they enter the car and drive away

STAR WARS SWIPE

they pull up infront of DENMARK'S house. we go inside Ryans
car, Allan is still half awake(or asleep, depending on how
you look at it)

ALLAN
well.. have fun

RYAN
your coming to asshole

ALLAN
what the fuck for?

RYAN
im not goin in there alone

ALLAN
(beat)
....fuck that

RYAN
ok fine then we dont go in at all

Ryan starts up the car and begins to back up..

ALLAN
Alright fine...lets get this over
with

RYAN
..good

Ryan stops the car. and they exit.

ALLAN
does this guy know were coming

RYAN
yea..well he should anyway, Bis
said he's call him to tell him.

66.

they approach the door, ryan goes to knock but before he can
bring his hand down, the door SWINGS open....we pan from toe
to head...to reveal DENMARK VILLAPANDO,

DENMARK
and jsut who the fuck are you?
Mormons?

there is a small moment of silence

FADE OUT

INT. JAKES HOUSE - DAY

TITLE CARD: THE TAO OF JAKE

we are in jakes uncle's house, a big mess of a place , there
are stacks of old newspapers, and pretty much junk lying
around. JAKES UNCLE is sitting in his dirty swivel chair
playing "THE GUY GAME" (he is wearing a "pocket rockets"
tee)

JAKES UNCLE
YES!!!NOW LET ME SEE THEM
TITAYES!!

we see the tv, and a girls flashes the camera

he stands up with is hands in the air like he just won a
boxing match, as he stands, his pants fall to his ankles. he
sits back down and we see a charlies angles poster behind
him

JAKES UNCLE
yea thats right goldie hawn

the phone starts to ring but JAKES UNCLE is either to lazy
or focused to get up and get it.

JAKES UNCLE
JAKE!!!!JAKE!!!PICK UP THE
PHONE!!!

INT. JAKES ROOM - DAY

JAKE is sound asleep, he is woken up by both his annoying
uncle and the ringing, slowly he rolls over and answers the
phone

JAKE
(groggy)
what?

67.

TELEMARKETER (os)
hello sir, my name is Mandy,and
i'm calling on behalf of the P.A.L
of New Jersey , and the reason i
am calling you is to ask if you
would like to donate to our cause?
it would be greatly opre...

JAKE
NOW LISTEN HERE!!THERE IS NOW WAY
IN HELL I'M GIVING MONEY TO 'THE
PEOPLE AGAINST LESBIANS' NOW STOP
CALLING ME!!!

TELEMARKETER
i dont think you understand sir,
we are the......

before she can finish her sentence, Jake hangs-up, jake then
roles over, tries to but unsuccesfully fall back asleep, so
he decides to get up, reveailing his shirt witch reads "I
(HEART) LESBIANS" he then puts on his trusty robe, places
the phone in his robe pocket,and leaves his room

INT. JAKES UNCLES ROOM - DAY

JAKE walks down the stairs carrying a tall glass of cereal,
he walks toward his uncle

            JAKES UNCLE
      (face fixed to
       screen)
who was on the phone?
      (to tv)
AWW FUCK! NO! NO! NO!

we see the tv and the girl dosnt show her breasts

JAKES UNCLE
FUCK

Jake's uncle turns to Jake so he can answer his question,
but Jake just him a blank stare

JAKES UNCLE
well?....

JAKE
well what?

JAKES UNCLE
the phone???

68.

JAKE
oh..

Jake takes the phone out of his pocket and tosses it in his
uncles lap, his uncle looks at him like he is a moron

JAKE
What?...low batery?

JAKES UNCLE
...WHO WAS ON IT BEFORE!?!

JAKE
...some broad against lesbians
asking for money

JAKES UNCLE
when the fuck will they learn
we're not interested

JAKE
exactly

JAKES UNCLE
we should start an orgenization
against the people against
lesbians....
(thinks)
the People Against the People
Against Lesbians....yeaa the
P.A.P.A.L.....i like it..what
about you?

he looks to Jake...who is drooling a little, spacing out

JAKES UNCLE
yea...

            JAKE
      (snaps out of
       trance)
wha..what?

JAKES UNCLE
huh....nothing..nevermind

Jake tastes the cereal and gives them a look of disgust

JAKE
we got any milk?

69.

            JAKES UNCLE
      (face fixed to
       screen)
yea over in the mini-fridge

he points over to the mini fridge

Jake walks over to the mini fridge, opens it, only to reveal
a mini-fridge packed with non-alcoholic beer

JAKE
you only got beer

JAKES UNCLE
well work with what you got kid..

Jake shrugs and gets a beer, and starts to pour it into the
glass

JAKES UNCLE
(thinking to self)
the P.A.P.A.L.......i could start
a revolution!!!we could even have
t-shirts

JAKE
(pouring the beer)
hey what time is it??

JAKES UNCLE
about twelve-thirty

JAKE
AW SHIT!!!THE MOVIES LATE!!!!

Jake drops both the beer and glass on the floor and runs
upstairs

JAKES UNCLE
WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU
GOING?!?!?!?

JAKE
out

JAKES UNCLE
YES!!!!!!HAMMER TIME!!!!!!!

70.

INT. JAKES HOUSE - DAY

Jake runs to his room and puts on a LOUD POKER OVERSHIRT,
then to the tv where he gets a tape out of the VCR, places
it in the MAJESTIC VIDEO box, and runs out of the
house.......we see jake run out of his house like a college
girl on her way to an ALT ROCK concert...................

EXT. SRTEET - DAY

jake is walking down the street in his stupid shirt and
sunglasses, he passes a foxy blond, Jake tilts his
sunglasses down, and stares at her ass

JAKE
hey baby!

FOXY BLOND
im sorry i cant hear you over that
shirt..

JAKE
it's all good baby....call me

Jake pulls out a buisness card and tries to hand it to her,
but she smacks it away

JAKE
no need to be a crumb baby...

Jake slaps her ass

FOXY BLOND
you pig!!!!

she smacks him even harder, knocking his glasses off

EXT. MAJESTIC VIDEO - DAY

JAKE walks ,video in hand, up to the return slot in front of
the store, however he is unable to use it due to there is a
cardboard sign over it that reads " OUT OF SERVICE, SORRY
FOR THE TROUBLE"

JAKE
(upset)
shit!

JAKE then walks up to the front door, takes a few deep
breaths, and walks in

71.

INT. MAJESTIC VIDEO - DAY

the store is completly empty except for one clerk on the
phone at the front desk. JAKE walks up to him ,

JAKE
hey , the vid........

before jake can finish he is cut off by the clerk

            MAJESTIC CLERK
      (to jake)
hold on one second...
      (to phone)
.... hello sir this is BUCKY
GOLDSTEIN from MAJESTIC VIDEO..
the movies you ordered are in
      (reads from list)
-ASS BLASTERS FROM OUTER SPACE
-BACKSTAGE NAKED CUM-GUZZLING
SLUTS
-NYMPHO MANIA!!!
-NIGGER FUCKING NAZIS
- T.I.T.S
- one night at snow camp
- THE ANGRY PIRATES AND THE CASE
OF THE PEARL NECKLACE
-THREE-WAY PUERTO RICANS
-TWO LITER PEPSI BOTTLE FREAKS
- CUBAN SLUT ORGY
-MIDGET HORSE FUCKERS
-CROATIAN SENSATIONS AND ITALIAN
STALIANS
-NAUGHTY NUNS 2
-DVDA BONANZA
-BACK DOOR ADVENTURES
-NO MANS LAND
-POLYNESIAN PODIATRISTS
-FILTHY PINK BONDAGE SLUTS
-SHITSLAPPING COCKSUCKERS
-NIGHT SHIFT NURSES
-SUCK IT DRY
-6TH STREET LATINA'S
-HERSEY HIGHWAY 3: LUBE IT UP!
-SHE'S A CUM'IN SHE'S A BLOW'IN
-STAMP LICKING WHORES 2:BABES GONE
POTAL
-JERK MY CUM CROWN AND COLOR ME
WHITE
-ELBOW DEEP IN SLUT
-BIG BLACK CHICKS WHO CRAVE WHITE
DICKS
-GUSHING TEEN QUEENS
-THICK AND BLACK
            (MORE)

72.

MAJESTIC CLERK (cont'd)
(beat)
......oh and WAITING TO EXHAIL

ok..... your welcome.. bye

JAKES UNCLE (os)
(on phone)
!!!!FUCKING SWEET!!!!

the clerk hangs up the phone

MAJESTIC CLERK
sorry about that.. how may i help
you?

JAKE
yea the video drop is ....

MAJESTIC CLERK
out..yea ...some fucking kids
thought it was funny to dump a bag
of shit in there.. and now i've
got to clean it...FUCKING PUNKS

JAKE then remembers to the night before, (wavy line)

EXT. MAJESTIC VIDEO - NIGHT

JAKE and his uncle walk by the video drop,jake then drops a
bag inside the video drop and and they both give each other
a high-five and run away like a pair of giggling school
girls

INT. MAJESTIC VIDEO - DAY

the clerk stares at jake, who is spaced out and smiling,
until he clears his trhoat and wakes JAKE up from his trance

MAJESTIC CLERK
renting that or returning?

JAKE
returning

JAKE hands the clerk the tape,

MAJESTIC CLERK
AW DUDE 'crossroads'?!?! THIS
MOVIE SUCKS!!

JAKE
look just take it asshole

73.

MAJESTIC CLERK
oookay but dont get pissy at me
becasue your movies preferences
suck

JAKE
(confused)
what the hell are you talking
about? i only rent good movies

the clerk flashes a look at Jake

MAJESTIC CLERK
well let's bring up your last
movie rental shall we

JAKE
hey what the hell makes you " the
big movie buff"?

the clerk looks at JAKE like he is a moron

MAJESTIC CLERK
WHAT THE FUCK?!?! 'save the last
dance' ?!?!

JAKE
i...i rented it by mistake

MAJESTIC CLERK
it was renewed three times!!!

JAKE
the chick was hot!

MAJESTIC CLERK
oh now lets not get into your
choice of women

JAKE
jesus man just take it?

MAJESTIC CLERK
oookay...

the clerk types some more

MAJESTIC CLERK
you have a balance of three
dollars

JAKE
what the fuck for?!?

74.

MAJESTIC CLERK
it's late

JAKE
whats late

MAJESTIC CLERK
....are you kidding me?

JAKE
the movie??.

the clerk stares at jake

JAKE
. c'mon its only a half-hour late

MAJESTIC CLERK
yea try four days and a half hour
late..

JAKE and the clerk have a little stare down

JAKE
i dont beleave you

the clerk swivels over the computer so that JAKE can see,
then swivels it back to face him

JAKE then reaches into his pants, pulls out three one dollar
bills, crupmles them up , and throws them at the clerks face

they have another stare down, the clerk looks pissed,jake
looks worried

JAKE
(to self)
uh-oh

EXT. MAJESTIC VIDEO - DAY

JAKE runs out of the video store, the clerk is about 3
seconds behind him, with a baseball bat

MAJESTIC CLERK
(pissed)
AND DONT COME BACK!!!!!

the clerk walks back inside

MAJESTIC CLERK
fucking dickhead

75.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

Jake is sitting in a coffee shop, drinking his coffee, and
staring at a girls hot pink thong. the girl is sitting with
her butch boyfriend, the butch man notices Jake staring at
his lady and approaches him, the girl dosnt react like this
happens all the time

BUTCH BOYFRIEND
HEY WHAT THE FUCK PAL!!!!
(beat)
WHATS AMATTER???CAN'T HEAR ME OVER
THAT SHIRT YOU SON OF A BITCH COCK
SUCKER!!!

Jake gives him no response

BUTCH BOYFRIEND
HEY IM TALKING TO YOU ASSHOLE!!!

he shoves Jake's shoulder

JAKE
whoa watch the merchandise
cocksuck.......

Jake realizes that he is completly outmatched

JAKE
er....shit..
(GULP)

EXT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

Jake runs out of the coffee shop, he is followed by the
butch guy,

BUTCH BOYFRIEND
AND IF I EVER SEE YOU AGAIN...I'LL
RIP YOUR FUCKING BALLS OFF!!!

THE Butch Man walks back inside, a few moments pass, and
then the coffee shop owner runs out

COFFEE SHOP OWNER
HEY YOU DIDNT PAY FOR THE FUCKING
COFFEE!!!,,,,,motherfucker

he walks back inside

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

the owner storms back inside

76.

COFFEE SHOP OWNER
OK thats the last fucking
time!!!everyday now for a week, he
dosn't pay for the coffee, well
i'll fix his ass for good...but
how?

The Butch man approaches him

BUTCH BOYFRIEND
HEY!! you wanna get that guy?

COFFEE SHOP OWNER
you bet your juice'in ass i do

BUTCH BOYFRIEND
well i got an idea

INT. MANAGERS ROOM - DAY

the owner and the butch man stand in the room, the owner
picks up the phone and dials 911,he waits for the disbatcher
to answer,when she does, he speaks in a paniced, frenzied
voice

            COFFEE SHOP OWNER
      (to disbatcher)
hello police? you gotta help
me..well there is a madman walking
around with a bomb straped to
himself, he just came in my shop
and threatend me,he said he would
blow this whole place to hell if
he didnt get a free cup of
coffee... so i gave it to
him...and he went on his way, at
first i thought he was an older
man who lost his job and is on the
edge..but he was just a boy!!.and
you know how teens today are all
so extreme with the school
shootings,tattoo's,peircings and
raging hormones....i swear i
thought i was gunna die right then
and there!!!...yes....ok.....im
calm...well my retention of him
wasnt all that clear.......well
i'll try... ... ok i remember
now..he was in his late teens, he
was wearing, a very loud poker
shirt,sunglasses, and lofers...you
gotta find him before someone gets
hurt!!ok thank you ma'am, and good
luck to our boys in blue, may god
            (MORE)

77.

COFFEE SHOP OWNER (cont'd)
go with them as they attempt to
birng this dangerous prick down.!

he hangs up the phone,smiles, and shakes hands with the
butch man.they both exit the managers room, the owner goes
back behind the counter and a BLACK MAN is standing looking
at the prices.

COFFEE SHOP OWNER
(ambiguous)
can i help you?

BLACK MAN
TWENTY BUCKS!?!?!
(beat)
paece out.

EXT. COP CAR - DAY

a police radio sits on the hood of a police car

POLICE DISBATCHER
we have a red two-twentyfour, i
repeat, a red two-twentyfour, be
on the look out for a white
caucasian male, late teens,the
purp was last seen wearing a loud
poker over shirt,shorts and a pair
of rap-around sunglasses, we have
reason to beleave the suspect has
high explosives strapped to his
person,we have orders to lock down
the town, so close all storefronts
i repeat, close all
storfronts.....

INT. JAKES HOUSE - DAY

Jake walks through the door, his uncle walks up to him with
a handfull of videos from MAJESTIC, he is wearing a D.I.Y
shirt that reads "P.A.P.A.L"

JAKES UNCLE
(very excited)
MY MOVIES CAME IN.....LETS
WATCH'UM

JAKE
nah....i'm not in the mood

78.

JAKES UNCLE
WHY NOT!??!?!? IS SOMETHING
WRONG!?!?...
(serious)
....female troubles?

JAKE
no, not exactl....

JAKES UNCLE
AHH WOMEN, THEY KNOW HOW TO TEAR
YOUR HEART OUT.....RIGHT OUTTA
YOUR ASSHOLE!

jake starts to walk towards his room

JAKES UNCLE
i got ' waiting to exhail ' !!

            JAKE
      (thinks about it
       happily)
well.....nah.., maybe later

JAKES UNCLE
your loss

Jake enters his room, picks up the phone and calls ryan

RYAN
hello?

..SPLIT SCREEN IN

JAKE
whats good baby?

RYAN
oh nothing....baby?

JAKE
we playing poker tonight, or did i
clean you bitches out last time?

RYAN
well...no. i called the boys and
they can't make it

JAKE
shit...so what are WE doing
tonight, Drinkin, smoke'in bud,
cause you know i got the boss
shit.

79.

RYAN
awesome, but WE are'nt doing
anything tonight, im going out
with the girlfriend

JAKE
ight... she got a sister?

RYAN
uh yea but she's three....

JAKE
hey as long as they got a pulse
right?

RYAN
DUDE!!!

            JAKE
im fucking with ya...the pulse is
optional
      (in upper claas
       accent)
now what time shall i be over?

RYAN
her sisters not coming over!?!?!?

JAKE
hey i dont mind sloppy seconds

RYAN
Jake look i.....

before he can finish, he is cut off by jakes grandma

JAKES GRANDMA (os)
JAKE!!!!!!

JAKE
WHAT?!?!?!?

JAKES UNCLE (os)
DO YOU HAVE MY PHONE!?!?!?

JAKE
YES!?!?!?!?

JAKES GRANDMA (os)
WHY DO YOU KEEP TAKING MY
PHONE?!?!?!?!

80.

JAKE
JUST GET OFF MY BACK WOMAN!!!!!

JAKES GRANDMA
JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!

JAKE
(to ryan)
look i gotta go the old broad is
on my back again

jake hangs up the phone

...SPLIT SCREEN OUT

JAKES GRANDMA
JAKE!?!?!?

JAKE
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT YOU
CRAZY OLD WOMAN!!!!

JAKES GRANDMA
AAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!I'LL SHOW YOU
CRAZY OLD WOMAN!!!!!!

JAKES UNCLE
IF THIS WAS NAZI GERMANY YOU'D BE
SHOT AT SIGHT BECAUSE YOU'RE A
RETARD!!!

JAKE
OH BRING IT ON!!!!!!

JAKES GRANDMA
YOUR LUCKY I'M NOT TOo AGILE
ANYMORE, BECAUSE IF THIS WAS FORTY
YEARS AGO YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A
SMACK!!!

JAKE
IF THIS WAS FORTY YEARS AGO I
WOULDNT BE HERE,..
(beat)
..I'D BE FORTY AND OUT OF THIS
HOUSE

JAKES GRANDMA
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

JAKE
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

81.

Jake walks over to his desk,sits down, and takes out a
diary. he opens his diary to a fresh page, the entry he
write is 'RUDE CLERKS'

JAKE (vo)
dear Glen,

-today as i was walking to return
my favirote movie i met this
really foxy chick and well long
story short....i laided her thrice
in a parking lot, man i'd love to
sink my teeth in to that
tamata!!... again. i also returned
one of my favirote movies today,
but the dickhead cockslapping
clerk made fun of me, but dont
worry i kicked his ass 13 ways
till 'tuesday,

JAKE'S LIVING ROOM

Jake's Uncle is watching one of his many pornos, we see (on
the tv) a set of a plane, two stewardesses are standing
greeting the passengers, until a WHITE MAN with a BURNT CORK
BEARD and TOWEL TURBAN walks past them quickly with a
breifcase.

STEWARDESS 1
(aside)
oh my gosh! that guy has to be a
terroist, we've got to take him
down!

STEWARDESS 2
how? we don't have any weapons!

STEWARDESS 1
Oh we sure do. c'mon...

The two walk out of frame.

JAKE'S ROOM

we see Jake in his room writing away

JAKE (vo)
and then i went to get some coffee
and this babe kept eye'en me,so i
decided to make her day and make
eys with her too.. but her jealous
boyfriend gave me some lip, so he
suffered the same fate as that
(MORE)

82.

JAKE (cont'd)
RUDE CLERK from the video store ,

LIVING ROOM

we see JAKES UNCLE still sitting in the chair eating his
hoogie. and we get back to the TV. Only to see the TERRORIST
hold a gun to the pilot and co-pilot. After a beat or two
the STEWARDESSES walk in.

STEWARDESS 1
let us take care of him...

STEWARDESS 2
yea, we know just what to do...

the Pilot's leave and the STEWARDESSES look at the terroist
seductivly...

STEWARDESS 2
ok Moo-ha-mid.. let us show you
OUR weapons of mass SEDUCTION!

They rip open thier shirts, get in front of the Terrorist,
and get on their knees. we then go to a CLOSE UP of the
Terrorist's face.

TERROIST
(fake accent)
you american girls...whu!

we see jake's uncle getting into it. he then looks to see if
he is alone, picks up the phone. he dials a number.(the
voice on the other end sounds like JAMES EARL JONES)

J.E.J VOICE
hello!. you have reached 'THE
DUNGEON' for sadistic leather clad
bondage whippings....press one
now...

Jake's Uncle slowly presses the '1' button

JAKES ROOM

JAKE
after that i came home and called
my good friend RYAN, he said we
would hang out tonight, and he
said he would let me fuck his
girlfriend iF she is up to it,
which she most definetly will be,
anyway that's all for now...untill
(MORE)

83.

JAKE (cont'd)
next time-
-JAKE..........

jake proudly closes his diary and places it in the desk,
then walks over and collapses on his bed and falls asleep

FADE OUT

FADE IN

INT. JAKES HOUSE - NIGHT

Jake is sleeping on his bed, he suddenly rolls out and on to
the floor, THUD,

JAKE
(sleepy)
EHHH!

JAKE slowly comes to. he gets up and goes for his phone, he
dials a number, and puts the phone to his ear

INT. ALLANS HOUSE - NIGHT

the phone rings a few times, after the 4th ring
DOTSON,Allan's older brother comes to pick it up(split
screen)

DOTSON
hello?

JAKE
is Allan there?

DOTSON
no i think he went to Ryan's pad
for poker

Jake starts to twitch

DOTSON
want me to take a message?

JAKE
(pissed)
MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!

Jake slams the phone on the floor, throws on his Shirt, and
walks out of his room, passing his uncle who is watching a
porno, passed out covered in food,Jake walks out of the
house

84.

STAR WARS SWIPE

EXT. RYANS BLOCK - NIGHT

Jake is walking down the block, he is noticed by and elderly
couple looking out there window

INT. OLD COUPLES HOUSE- NIGHT

and OLD WOMAN is looking out the window,her husband is in
his reading chair

OLD WOMAN
hey dear

OLD MAN
what? what is it?

OLD WOMAN
isnt that the mad bomber from the
TV? the one with your old shirt?

OLD MAN
ahh you watch way to much tv,

OLD WOMAN
will you take a look

OLD MAN
alright already, jeez, if i wanted
this much static, i'd have
boughten a radio....

the Old Man goes over to his wife, and looks out, and then
gets excited.

OLD MAN
why yes it is hunny baby, go call
the cops.. i'll go get the camera

the Old Man runs out of the room and brings back a video
camera

OLD MAN
(focusing)
i havnt seen this much action
since that V.W bus broke down in
front of our house

OLD WOMAN (os)
WHAT?!?!?!

85.

OLD MAN
NOTHING MY SWEET PEA!!!

the old man starts recording

OLD WOMAN (os)
Hello? Police??

EXT. RYANS BLOCK - NIGHT

Jake walks to the garage and then opens the door, he looks
at everybody and swings his head back and then forward to
speak

JAKE
ASS.......

FREEZE FRAME, FADE OUT

INT. SPECIAL HQ - DAY

TITLE CARD: THE SPECIALS

FADE IN

three special officers are sitting at a table, Special 1 and
2 are playing battle ship, Special 3 is watching tv and
watching the game, (music: "ghost town" by; The Specials)

SPECIAL 1
(aggitated)
well..?

SPECIAL 2
well what?

SPECIAL 1
it's your turn..

SPECIAL 2
no...it's your turn

SPECIAL 1
i just went like 4 seconds ago

Special 2 looks to Special 3,

SPECIAL 3
yup...

SPECIAL 2
b7

86.

SPECIAL 1
hit, FUCK, im down to my last ship

SPECIAL 2
im telling you, just stop now

SPECIAL 1
shut the fuck up rookie!

SPECIAL 3
you know, you should really use
the "let the wookie win" theory

SPECIAL 2
the what?

SPECIAL 3
both him and i are your fucking
superiors, you beating one of us
makes us look bad..and when we
look bad, we get angry, and when
we get angry....and well, we dont
like to talk about that...

SPECIAL 1
why?....what happend..??

SPECIAL 3
are you fimiliar with the term
"backswing"????

SPECIAL 1
g4?

SPECIAL 2
miss.

SPECIAL 1
SHIT!!

SPECIAL 3
you are the only person i know
that can play 4 games of battle
ship and not get one single
hit...no wonder he's kicking your
ass

            SPECIAL 1
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
      (beat)
this is bullshit, why the hell are
we just sitting here??and not out
there fighting crime
            (MORE)

87.

SPECIAL 1 (cont'd)
(beat)
oh yea i remember...WERE NOT REAL
COPS!!!

SPECIAL 3
hey dont say that man, we are

SPECIAL 1
no, we are the lowest of the low,
were specials,we dont even get
cars..fuck the parking enforcement
gets cars...we are about one step
above rent-a-cops

SPECIAL 2
so we rebel by sitting around and
playing battle ship?

SPECIAL 1
you bet your virgin irish ass we
do

SPECIAL 2
i can dig it

SPECIAL 3
hey we took an oath to protect an
serve, not sit around and play
flubb'in kids games

SPECIAL 1
what do you care Fruity?

SPECIAL 2
(chuckles)
eh eh eh

SPECIAL 3
hey fuck you,,and fuck you to, im
gunna get some air

special 3 heads for the door

SPECIAL 1
ass

SPECIAL 3
jerkoff!

special 3 closes exits

88.

SPECIAL 2
who's turn is it?

SPECIAL 1
yours.

SPECIAL 2
b9

Special 1 places the peice on the ship, and gets pissed

SPECIAL 2
so is that a hit?

Special 1 knocks over the game, there is a short silence,
and th Special 3 bursts in the door

SPECIAL 3
let's go!

SPECIAL 2
why whats up?

SPECIAL 3
we got a red two-twentyfour

SPECIAL 1
a fleeing hooker?!?

SPECIAL 3
what!?...no

SPECIAL 2
a non-fleeing hooker?

SPECIAL 3
eh...no... some madman in an
incredibly tacky shirt has a bomb
straped to his person, he took
hostages, there in a garage down
on Lawton....it'll take awhile
until backup gets there, were the
closest unit....

SPECIAL 1
(chuckling)
hehe unit

they start to get their shit togehter and start to leave

SPECIAL 2
wait.. why didn't we hear anything
on our radios???

89.

SPECIAL 3
you turned them off for the game

Special 1 and 2 give an "ohhh" and then turn there radios
on.. they exit the room

EXT. SPECIAL HQ - NIGHT

the Specials pile into the Spec-mobile (old sedan) Special 1
is in the dirvers seat,3 is riding shotgun,and 2 is riding
bitch.we see the license plate, it reads "SPEC.1",

SPECIAL 1
hold on to your skivves'

he floors it,the tires spin wildly as the car peels off into
the night

FADE OUT

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

TITLE CARD: 5 DOGS PLAYING POKER

jake is standing in the garage, (continue from the freeze
frame)

JAKE
(con't)
HOLESSS!!!!

everyone stares at him

JAKE
you never said there was a game
today

ryan approaches him

RYAN
yea about that, look..i tried
calling you before, but..

JAKE
Bullshit!!! but hey, im here
right, deal me in bitches

Ryan and Jake go to the table, Ryan sits, Jake pulls out a a
couple Bills out of his pocket

JAKE
lets start off with 40

90.

he hands the bills to Allan

ALLAN
we can't take these

JAKE
and why the fuck not?!?

ALLAN
because Barny Rubble wasnt a
president thats why

we see the poorly put together bill, with Barn's face on it

JAKE
sure he was he ran after Reagan..
(beat)
ok ok fine.....he hands Allan
another bill

ALLAN
so ten bucks?

Allan gives him his chips, Jake sits ,and they deal out the
cards

- a montage of jake losing his chips, slowly but
surely,until he has very few left

Ryan and Shaker lean in to talk to one another

RYAN
look at that LOUD ass shirt...

SHAKER
yea tell me about it..

JAKE
hey....no cheating you two.....

SHAKER
huh?...i'm sorry...i cant hear you
over that RIDICULOUSLY LOUD SHIRT

JAKE
shut the hell up...

SHAKER
WHAT!?!?!?

JAKE
don't hate baby, i got style...

91.

FAST EDDIE
dude....Prince has a better fasion
sense than you...and he shops in
the boys department
(beat)
at Nordstrum's

JAKE
you dont know what your talking
about, these threads are
designer...

RYAN
oh yea by who?

JAKE
J.C Penne'

RYAN
my god

Jake looks at his pocket cards (As,Ad)

JAKE
ok fuckers, you take take take,and
now its my turn...
(beat)
my turn to take!

-he pushes his chips in, everyone looks at there cards and
folds

JAKE
aww cmon you pussies....HA!!

- we get to Fast Eddie, without looking at his cards, he
calls

FAST EDDIE
ok cocklunch, your on

they flip over there cards, Fast eddie has a 10h Jh

JAKE
thats it baby...LOCKED...just give
me the chips now

the flop is dealt, Qh, Ah, Ac,

FAST EDDIE
FUCK!!!

92.

JAKE
YEA BABY....ONE TIME!!!!

the turn is dealt Kh

FAST EDDIE
YES!!!!

JAKE
YOU DUMB MOTHA FUKA!!!!! YOU GOT
NOTHING

take us to the river - 2c

JAKE
and the RIVER BRINGS A BIG FAT
GOOSEEGG FOR EDDIE,,,HA!

jake continues his dance until he sees that he is beat

Fast Eddie Starts to talk trash while taking his chips

Jake quietly sits down, Allan, Shaker, and Ryan all sit in
silence while Fast Eddie tears Jake a new A-Hole.

Jake starts to violently twitch (jakes flip-out music palys)

RYAN
OH

SHAKER
MY

ALLAN
GOD

FAST EDDIE
(looks up)
huh?

Jake still twitches until he flips the table over and
tackles Eddie, the groups tries to pry Jake off

EXT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

the Specials car pulls into the driveway

SPECIAL 2
sounds pretty violent in there

SPECIAL 3
well he is a terrorist..should we
call for B.U?

93.

SPECIAL 1
, by the time they get here he'll
have this whole place looking like
ted bundy's house...

SPECIAL 3
shit

SPECIAL 2
is he packin?

SPECIAL 1
most likely...

SPECIAL 3
shit we arent prepared for this,
let's just wait for backup, they
know what kind of...

SPECIAL 1
shut up....just follow my lead

they exit the car

they open the trunk to reveal a suitcase, Special 1 opens it
and there is a whit light that emits from it, almost
blinding the cops..

SPECIAL 2
holy shit!!!! how the hell did
you?

SPECIAL 1
lets just say i know a guy, who
knows a guy.

he reaches into the case

INT. RYANS GARAGE - NIGHT

- the boys are still fighting, they fight for a little
while,
-we hear the sound of men running towards the garage
-the specials burst in, Special 1 has a superflyass gun in
his mits

SPECIAL 1
FREEZE MOTHER FUCKER!!!!

the guys stop like deer in headlights

94.
FREEZE FRAME

FADE OUT

CLOSING CREDITS

"second solution" by The Living End plays over the credits...after the credits role we fade in to see the boys in a jail cell, Johnny Cash's "good ol' boys"(theme from 'the dukes of hazard') is playing the backround....

"Mak'in there waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy"..........

RYAN jumps up and tackles the shit out of jake.. and pummels him with fists..... FADE OUT

THE END

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