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by Jeffrey A. Angus (jangus64@gmail.com)

Rated: PG   Genre: Comedy   User Review: **1/2
A short comedy script showing why men drive women nuts. Three men in a basement being guys. Guys Will Be Guys pokes a little fun at us. Read and relate and enjoy.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author. Writesafe # WS1174482


Have to love these Pampered Chef
parties every few months.
Sure do! Gives us our
male-bonding time.
Takes a swig of his drink
                       TOM (cont'd)
As long as Mindy's not in reach of
her purse.
He holds it up and swings the purse on his fingers
It's a good night.
That's a nice look for you Tom
Goes perfect with that crap
Buffalo Bills shirt you have on
Mike and Joe clink drinks and Laugh
You just need to learn to tell
them who's boss Tommy-boy.
They all nod and drink


                       CINDY (os)
Mike, can you run outside and get
my purse from the mini-van?
In a minute Cindy. I am trying to
catch the scores.
                       CINDY (os)
I need it now please. I want to
show the girls the pictures we
took of the kids.
Okay, okay. On my way.
                       CINDY (os)
Also, please try to remember to
lock the van back up this time so
we don't have another
Tom and Joe look at Mike with curious faces.
Mike shakes his head as he stands up.
Mall incident?
I'll tell you guys another time.
It's no big deal.
                       CINDY (os)
Mike, can you also get me the bag
in the backseat?
      (almost a whisper)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
                       CINDY (os)
What was that honey?
On my way.
Tom and Joe laugh
That's showing her who's boss


That's wearing the pants.
As Mike walks out the door Tom and Joe laugh and high five.
So Tommy-boy, you see Jeter hit
that homer the other day? He is a
gem, ain't he?
The Spankmees are just a bunch of
dollar signs in pin-striped
Whatever. What would you know.
You're a Buffalo Bills Fan.
Pin-stripes are perfect. It's
like jailhouse clothing. you sell
your soul to George and you're his
prisoner. Your vice - the
almighty dollar.
How can you be a sports fan if you
don't like baseball?
I like baseball. I just can't
stand the No-Salary-Cap thing. You
can spend as much as you want to
buy your players! No limit.
Like I have sai and will continue
to say, the Yankees are the best
team ever.
Well, I just don't understand all
this baseball crap. The more
money they make, the more they


I can't think of a better way to
keep the players motivated than
the pay-for-performance concept.
Joe stands up and moves over to the end of the couch, grabs
a couch pillow and toss's it at Tom.
                       JOE (cont'd)
The Yankees are the best team
ever. Even a no-baseball-liking
Buffalo Bills fan can see that.
Like I said, they're the best team
money can buy.
You have to be kidding me! Jeter,
A-Rod, Damon, Sheffield, The
best of the best. The all-time
best Yankee team if you ask me.
And that Matsoui guy from Japan?
What a find!
You're telling me that you think
the money munchers of today are
better than Ruth, Marris and
Berra? Now they were players! Not
money-grubbing pretty-boys.
Wrong as always. You no nothing
of baseball anyways.
                       NANCY (os)
Joe, what's the names of your
cousin Jimmy's kids?
Gertrude and Oswald?
                       NANCY (os)
I'm serious Joe!
How do I know? You expect me to
remember all the names of the dang
kids? I'm lucky to know ours.


                       NANCY (os)
What do you mean you don't know?
You're over at his house three
days a week watching a game or
whatever you guys do.
                       NANCY (os)
Well, I am surprised you can walk
and talk at the same time.
Tom spits the mouth full of his drink out and starts to
Janice and Tim.
                       NANCY (os)
That's right, thank you dear.
Tom sees a tee shirt in the laundry next to him and grabs it
and wipes himself off.
      (whispering to
I think it's Janice and Tim. Or
is it Janet and Tom?
Joe shrugs and looks at Tom.
Spotting Tom using the tee-shirt to wipe his drink up. Joe
toss's another pillow at him.
Tom smiles and toss's the shirt back in the laundry.
It'd be easier if it were Bert and
Ernie. That's what I'm going to
do. Name my kids after something
like that so I can't forget.
They clink the drinks together and laugh.
How many kids your brother got now
Two or three...I forget.


Mike comes walking through with a very pink and fuzzy purse
on his arm heading towards the kitchen.
Looks like you found your bag. It
goes so well with your outfit.
Joe and Tom Laugh
Now what was I teaching you?
yeah, ok now I remember.
Joe gets his drink and gets comfortable again.
                       JOE (cont'd)
As I was saying that Jeter is
something. Do you know in High
School he hit .508 - 30 of 59 -
with 4 Homeruns, 21 Base on Balls
and 1 Strike Out in 23 games as a
Senior, was 12-for-12 in stolen
base attempts, had a .831
percentage and a .637 on-base
percentage, hit .557 with 7
Homeruns as a junior and was named
High School Player-of-the-Year by
the American Baseball Coaches
                       NANCY (os)
Joe, when's your Mother's birthday
I have no idea. You expect me to
remember things like that? Jeez.
Women just don't get it do they.
They can remember every store and
cost of every shoe they ever
bought but not a birthday. It's
like asking my brother's kid


Whatever. It's like asking a kid
if they did their homework. They
don't recall or just don't want
      (confused look)
I'm trying to say they just don't
get it.
I hear you sister.
Joe looks at Tom and shakes his head.
Mike walks back into the room with flour on his pants and in
his hair.
Hey look! It's the Pillsbury
Dough Boy.
It's a dang chicken coop in there.
I'm surprised I made it out alive.
They're making cherry tarts or
some dang thing.
Mike does his best to wipe the flour off his pants.
                       MIKE (cont'd)
It's like a bomb went off.
Tom reach's over and grabs the t-shirt from the laundry and
toss's it to him. Mike wipes off more flour.
Hey! Knock it off! That's my
Calm down Joe. It's dirty anyway.
Mike looks at the t-shirt with a surprised look.


Well, it was clean before
Tommy-boy spit up all over the
place and used it as a dish cloth.
Mike holds the t-shirt up and it is a nasty, hole filled,
grease and food stained mess.
This was clean?
Well I only wore it one time, for
like an hour or so.
What did you do? Fall in the
dumpster behind the fast-food
joint down the road?
No. It's my favorite shirt. It's
been with me since college.
Mike shrugs and tosses it back into the laundry bin, on top
of the clean clothes.
Tom smirks, Joe didn't seem to notice.
                       JOE (cont'd)
As I was saying, the last few
years we've had a good team.
I'll give you that much. Too bad
it can't last forever.
Is he spouting off about the
Spankmee's again?
Tom nods and smirks as he drinks
OOH and you never talk about the
Well at least they are worth
talking about.


What ever!
all three suddenly let out a big cheer and are transfixed on
the T.V.
Holy crap did you see that - he
ran into the Metal fence- now
That's guts.
Wow look at his face, it hit hard
He hung on to the ball, now that's
a player.
They clink the drinks together and sit back down.
here - here - even if he is a
They all clink drinks again and sit down
                       CINDY (os)
Mike, what's your parents new
Um, not sure - do you need it now?
                       CINDY (os)
Well I guess not!
Anyway now if you want to talk
about the Mets.
Joe sighs and rolls his eyes
      (under his breath)
Here we go


well you have to admit that
Beltran and Wright are doing very
well this year, and that Millege
kid also.
Beltran - hah - He's no Jeter
WHAT!! He is hitting great and
driving in runs and is Wright, and
for a guy not making Jeter Money
that's pretty darn good.
                       CINDY (os)
Ok you don't know her address, but
do you have your mothers phone
number? You are on the phone with
her almost every day.
I have it on speed dial, I don't
know , can we get it later
please? I am working on something
with the guys.
Amazing on what they think we can
remember - we aren't computers you
Like we have everything they need
locked in our brains.
SO tom, you have to be getting
your diaper in a knot over all the
football talk that's going on with
T.O missing the Cowboys voluntary
training camps.
Ok,this is what gets me, How can
everyone make a big deal of T.O.
not being at the volunteer
training session for the Cowboys.
For God sakes he play's better


                       TOM (cont'd)
when he doesn't train, He is one
of the biggest talents in the NFL.
He is impressive as heck, When a
guy is that talented he needs no
extra work outs.
To bad his mouth runs as fast as
he does.
They all nod in agreement
I have him on my fantasy league
team - As long as his numbers stay
the same or better - baring injury
I think I am set.

As long as he stays out of the
coach's dog house. In Dallas thats
hard to do.
He will be with Terry Glenn this
year - I can see him racking up
like 10 TD easy this year - better
then the 6 tds and 763 receiving
yards from last year for sure.
I don't know, Terry Glen had 1136
yards and 7 tds, it may cut into
his performance- and with Bledsoe
tossing the rock who knows what is
going to happen.
                       NANCY (os)
Joe, can you please get the extra
flour from the pantry and bring it
out to us please.
Sure in a second.


                       NANCY (os)
We need it to finish up the tarts
we are working on.
I will be out with it in a second
                       NANCY (os)
Not your seconds, but my seconds
On my way dear.
Joe stands up and goes to the pantry grabs the Flour and
walks towards the kitchen entrance.
Watch out for Aunt Helen - it is
like she is possessed with that
rolling pin - I think the Tasmania
Devil would make less of a mess.
                       JOE (os)
Thanks for the tip.
                       AUNT HELEN (os)
I heard that Michael Eugene, I am
still your Aunt so watch it.
      (snickering silent)
Crap now I am in trouble
                       JOE (os)
Yes Eugene - Bee- Have
Mike shakes his head and smirks
He went for the Money - The NFL
has a salary cap but you see more
guys moving every year for that
Can you believe EDJ went to the
Cardinals - How can Indy give up a
back that gave them 1500 yards
rushing and 337 receiving yards


                       TOM (cont'd)
last year.
Just a shame - not like when Bart
Star and Johnny U had been in the
game. I bet Lombardi rolls over in
his grave when he sees the stuff
that is going on in the NFL.
Joe Enters back in and is covered with flour.
Mike and Tom look stunned
Um, I think the place is haunted.
I see dead people.
Mike and Tom laugh and point at him. Joe heads to the back
of the room near the laundry basket. He stops, looks at the
tee shirt and starts to use it to clean himself off.
What are you doing, that's your
favorite shirt.
You already ruined it anyway.
I think it was in bad shape before
we ever got to it.
They all laugh and Joe continues to wipe himself off.
I was attacked by a gaggle of
rolling pin wielding white devils.
That's my story and I'm sticking
to it.
I told you, I was not kidding with
whats going on out in the kitchen.
He tried to warn you, he did.


Joe finishes cleaning off the best he can and toss the shirt
near the Laundry.
Well, hey, as long as you guys
are here, can you help me figure
out what I did wrong with this
birdhouse, I am making it for the
Boy Scout auction. It came in a
Joe walks off to get the project.
I bet this will be interesting.
What do you mean?
I can't wait to see this, he's not
real good with tools that's for
Be nice, he is trying to help the
scouts out at least.
Joe enters back with the project and sits it on the coffee
What is this? A bird feeder?
A birdhouse he said. See the hole
for the birds to go in and nest?
Joe Shrugs and Nods, Mike and Tom look at each other and the
object again.

If you say so.
Cindy walks in and looks at them and the object


Um, What's that a shoe scrapper
or something?
Well it's a birdhouse, In
progress , I am still working on
Hmm, Does it look like the picture
in the directions?
The three men smile and look at each other and in unison
look at Cindy.
Directions, we don't need no
stinking directions.
Cindy Shakes her head and walks back out
The guys all laugh and smile
Well I can always add to it later.
It may take a little more sanding
and paint but I will get it done.
Yeah I am sure you can figure it
Joe takes the project and puts it away.
Looks like sports center is
starting over.
Yeah , Did you all catch what we
needed the first three times. I
will change it.
Joe starts looking for the remote
I think a good show on the History
channel called Men and Machines is


Yeah, its about cannons or
Sounds good, but I can't find the
They all start to tear the couch and chair apart to find the
remote Joe finds change, Tom - finds a cheese curl ( he
sneaks it into his mouth) and Mike finds a Sports
Illustrated.- he sits and starts reading
Well boys, guess we watch sports
center some more.
They all nod and sink lower in the seats.
Hey lets play a bit of the shooter
video game. You have that multi -
paddle system thing?
Sounds good to me.
I have the multi-player connection
and rumble pads.
      (in unison)
Cool, lets rock.
Joe see's that the controller is just out of his reach. He
reaches under the couch and pulls a golf ball retriever out
from under the couch. The retriever has been modified to
have a hook on the end. Joe reaches for the controller hooks
it and then drags the game system to him.
He may not be great with wood
working and that stuff, but when
it comes to gadgets to help relax,
he is number one in my book.
Joe holds the retriever up with two hands and smirks.


I have to agree, but with the golf
ball retriever he has always been
a master. Its his favorite club in
the bag when we golf also.
They all laugh
Who is the one who is always
asking for golf balls. I have tons
thanks to my arsenal of extendable
You got me on that one Joe.
They all laugh.
Can we play that shooter game, I
will own all you.
Not this time Pinky, I will be
able to see you from a mile away
with the pink furry purse.
Between that purse and your
I still think the purse would win
out and hold together better.
That's what you can call it Joe,
it's a swiss-army wood project.
They all laugh
Joe takes his retriever and hits a button on the T.V to swap
it over so they can play the game.
Lets get refills and we can begin
the on-slaught.
Should be a few left.


      (in unison)
Not It.
Mike and Tom smirk.
Boys, I will get this round. One
of you have to get the next.
Tom nods
Mike you said deal so you will get
the next round.
Fine by me.
Which will be in the kitchen.
Mike groans and Joe and Tom laugh.
He got you on that one.
Joe takes his stick and drags a cooler from behind the
The master of the retriever.
      (in his best
       German voice)
Its not a retriever now, its
called the get-a-nator
Joe opens the cooler and pulls out three drinks. He pauses
and then reaches in and pulls out the remote to the tv.
Looking at the wet remote he Shrugs and wipes it on his
shirt and sets it on the table. Joe gets a funny look on his
face as he reaches into the cooler again and pulls out a
piece of paper with huge letters that read "birdhouse
directions - ages 8-14" Joe puts the directions on the
table and sets the drinks on them.


                       JOE (cont'd)
Here we are.
Shall we?
They start to play the game and are into it furious - they
are cranking on the controllers and getting into it.
How do you do that Mike?
X-O-O-O-X- up - down -
X-O-O-O-X-up-down- Left-left-X-O
Very good Joe, Poly want a Cracker
Joe smirks.
Joe makes a move on the paddle and grins
                       JOE (cont'd)
But you may want to wipe your self
off the wall now I just owned you.
Drops the controller, dang-it.
Mike laughs at Tom. Stops laughing and looks at Joe.
How in the world did you...
I think your new name will be
You cheat anyway, we will just
have to hunt you down now.


Your toast now Joe.
Better get another friend, you two
are not worthy.
Nancy walks in with a jar of cherry filling. She stands
behind the couch watching for a minute.
Joe do you remember where the jar
opener device is we got at the
last party we had?
Where ever you put it last.
Nancy swats him in the back of the head. Joe gets beat in
the game by Tom.
                       JOE (cont'd)
What was that for and look you
made me get beat up. We are trying
to play a game here.
Do you have any idea where the jar
opening device I asked you to
mount in the kitchen near the sink
is? The same one that had sat for
a week on the counter and you told
me you would get it done today
before the party.
Mike and Tom shrink back from Nancy seeing she is starting
to wind up.
I'm sorry, I can't remember where
I put it. I'll look for it and get
it put up for you. I think it is
under the sink.
Nancy walks back to the kitchen.
The guys continue to play, moans and laughter erupt as they
beat each other in the game.


                       NANCY (os)
Joe I need you to open this Jar
for us. We need it to finish the
Bring it in dear we will get it
open for you.
Nancy brings the Jar in.
Joe plays the game a bit less intense.
Tom can you get that top. I will
not be able to, my hand is bad
from work.
      (confused look)
Well , sure.
Joe winks at Tom.
Tom puts the paddle down and opens the Jar.
Thanks Tom.
Tom smiles and nods as Nancy walks back to the kitchen.
Got you good that time Tommy boy.
Aw man, I was helping Nancy.
Joe and Mike laugh.
Nancy arrives with another jar.
One more Tom then I will leave you
boys alone to your precious video
Sure no problem anytime.


Should have had Aunt Helen open
it. She has hands like a lumber
I will let her know that.
Just kidding, yikes.
Nancy smirks and walks out
Again Mike, come on that's not
right, cheap shot artist.
You snooze you lose.
Tom shrugs and sits back in his chair to wait for the next
                       CINDY (os)
Ok Boys come try the tarts we just
Mike and Joe stand up and scramble towards the kitchen
falling over each other to get to the tarts.
Calm down animals, the zoo has
plenty of feed.
Tell me that when you are stuck
eating Aunt Helen's creation.
You snooze you lose Tommy boy, you
snooze you lose.
Tom stands up and starts to head for the kitchen. Tom pauses
and he sits back down and grabs his paddle. He starts to
smirk as he finds where Joe and Mikes game guy is and takes
them out.
                       CINDY (os)
You coming Tom?


On my way Nancy.
Tom heads for the kitchen.


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From Bruce Date 7/15/2006 ***
I can relate with the members of the cast. You have stuffed all the strange quirks of guys in a short one scene act. It would be nice to see this on a stage or film to see how the actors take the roles and run with them. A little more work on dialogue and I feel it would be very-very good. I feel this would appeal more to east coast folks then anyone do to the NY teams. Any team and or player could be in that part of the dialogue and it could be done any place in the US. Overall good job.

From James Date 7/15/2006 ***
I can see you what you are working for. One act comedy short, almost a scene from a sitcom maybe. I can relate with some of the going ons.

From earl Date 6/29/2006 *1/2
Needs lots of work. It's just one big scene that goes nowhere.

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