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Freshman Year
by John Patrick Murray (johnpatrick.murray.01@gmail.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***
A college comedy about an 18-year-old freshman going through his first semester away from home. "Freshman Year" is a story about everything your kids really did during their first year of college.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

INT. MURPHY FAMILY BASEMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
Will, Drew, and Jason are sitting around in the basement
smoking a blunt.
                                                            
                       DREW
They don't make enough movies for
guys our age, man.
                                                            
                       WILL
What are you bitching about now,
Drew?
                                                            
                       DREW
What I'm talking about, Will, you
douchebag, is that all the movies
they make for kids our age are
aimed at girls. All those stupid
romantic comedies. What guy would
want to watch that shit?
                                                            
                       JASON
I'll go if Lindsay Lohan's in it.
She's got great tits. I'd go see
anything with her in it, even if
it was obviously a piece of shit.
Oh, or Hilary Duff. She's so hot
she could just walk around on the
screen for two hours and I'd go.
                                                            
                       DREW
See, that's the problem. You are
the problem, Jason. This is
exactly what I'm talking about.
The movie studios, they know that,
so they just keep making movies
like that. They know they're
crappy but they also know people
will pay to see them, so they do
it anyway! It drives me crazy.
They never make movies for guys!
                                                            
                       JASON
What are you talking about, man?
What about Dumb & Dumber? Or
Baseketball? Anchorman?
                                                            
                       DREW
I love those movies and I know
there are some exceptions, but I
swear it seems like 90% of the
movies that come out are made for
girls. And they never make funny
college movies any more.
                                                            
                       WILL
Old School.
                                                            
                       DREW
Yeah, of course Old School was
great. I'm not saying they don't
            (MORE)

2.

                       DREW (cont'd)
make any funny movies for guys,
just not nearly enough. I want a
movie like Animal House. Real
guys, real male bonding. That's
what I want to see.
                                                            
                       JASON
Animal House is a great fucking
movie.
                                                            
                       WILL
What the hell is Animal House?
                                                            
                       JASON
You really need to get NetFlix,
dude.
                                                            
                       DREW
I just wish there were more funny
movies aimed at guys our age.
There are some really good ones
but there's just not enough.
They're too busy making those
crappy romantic comedies to take
the time to make us laugh.
                                                            
                       WILL
Yeah, so what? What the fuck are
you gonna do about it, Drew? Write
your own movie? Get real, man. You
aren't funny and you can't write
for shit. Just get over yourself,
there's nothing you can do about
it. Why don't you just go rent
Mean Girls, and shut the fuck up?
                                                            
                       DREW
What the fuck is your problem
tonight, Will?
                                                            
                       JASON
Yeah, seriously.
                                                            
                       WILL
I'm sorry, dude. It's not you.
It's those goddamn birds.
                                                            
                       JASON
Birds? What about them?
                                                            
                       WILL
I fuckin' hate birds, man.
                                                            
                       DREW
What did birds ever do to you?
                                                            
                       WILL
Those fuckers keep me up at night,
like every night dude. I can hear
them chirping really loud right
outside my fuckiní window dude.
And itís like, itís like they are
chirping to a rhythm or something.
And then just when I think I have
            (MORE)

3.

                       WILL (cont'd)
the rhythm down and I am expecting
it, lying there waiting for the
next note, they change it up. Itís
like eh eh eh eh AH eh ah eh eh eh
eh eh AH!! I hate those fucking
things man. They keep me up for
hours dude. Every night. It sucks
man.
                                                            
Drew and Jason pause to study Will.
                                                            
                       JASON
That sounds terrible, dude.
                                                            
                       DREW
Why don't you just close your
window before you go to sleep?
                                                            
                       WILL
I already tried that, dumbass! I
tried closing my window. They
chirp too loud! I even tried
wearing headphones! Itís like...
itís like I can hear them anyway.
In my head. Itís weird, bro. It
really sucks, though. I usually
just end up coming down here and
watching Next or something. Thatís
a good show, man.
                                                            
                       JASON
I like Parental Control.
                                                            
                       DREW
Look man, you can sleep in my room
after I leave for school. I never
have any problems with birds.
                                                            
                       WILL
Thanks, Drew! Thanks a lot, man.
Youíre a good brother, man. Iím
really going to miss you. Come
here.
                                                            
Will stands up.
                                                            
                       DREW
What? What do you want me to do,
Will? Reach over the table or
actually walk over there and hug
you?
                                                            
                       WILL
Just come here, man!
                                                            
                       DREW
Will, I donít feel like getting
up. And you are too high for us to
reach over the table and hug.
Youíd knock something over or
something.
                                                            

4.

                       WILL
What? Stop being a dick, bro. You
know what? Whatever, man. Pass
that shit to Jason, man.
                                                            
                       JASON
I canít believe youíre going to
college tomorrow, Drew. Iím gonna
miss you, man. Youíre going to be
like, gone. Like, if I go over to
your house to play basketball or
something, you like, wonít be
there.
                                                            
                       DREW
Yeah, thatís true. But Iíll come
home a lot and you guys can come
visit me at school. Plus, I get
like a month off at Christmas when
the fall semester is over. Itís
not going to be that different
guys, really.
                                                            
                       JASON
It sounds different man, really
different.
                                                            
                       WILL
Things done changed, boys.
                                                            
                       DREW
Itís not that big of a deal, guys.
Will, youíll probably be going to
Hancock next year, too. And Jason,
you can come visit any time, dude.
                                                            
                       WILL
      (laughing)
I can't believe your school is
named after Herbie Hancock.
                                                            
                       DREW
John Hancock, dumbass. His name
was John Hancock.
                                                            
                       JASON
Yeah, it is John Hancock.
                                                            
                       WILL
What? No, fuck that. His name was
Herbie Hancock. Didn't you see
Tommy Boy? He writes Herbie
Hancock on his history test.
                                                            
                       JASON
Yeah, and he gets that question
wrong.
                                                            
                       WILL
No! He passes the test. He passed
that test so he gets to graduate
college and he goes to work at his
father's factory! Now who needs
NetFlix, asshole?
                                                            

5.

                       JASON
You can get one question wrong and
still pass a test, dumbass.
                                                            
                       WILL
How would you know, Jason? You
didn't even get into college!
                                                            
                       JASON
Fuck you Will! What is your
problem, man?
                                                            
                       DREW
Hey, hey, take it easy, guys.
Jason, calm down, dude. Will, shut
the fuck up. Relax.
                                                            
                       WILL
Whatever, you guys don't know what
you're talking about.
                                                            
                       JASON
      (to Drew)
What are you gonna do about Jenna,
dude?
                                                            
                       DREW
Itís over with her Jenna. Sheís
being really dramatic about the
whole Ashley situation.
                                                            
                       JASON
What Ashley situation?
                                                            
                       WILL
The ďDrew fucked Ashley while he
was still with JennaĒ situation.
                                                            
                       JASON
      (laughing)
You did? Ashley Miller?
                                                            
                       DREW
Yeah, Ashley Miller. What the hell
was I supposed to do? I hadnít
seen Jenna in almost a month. I
was running out of girls to whack
off to.
                                                            
                       WILL
That is not possible.
                                                            
                       JASON
Why hadn't you seen her in so
long?
                                                            
                       DREW
Itís a long story, man.
                                                            
                       JASON
So what? Where do I have to be?
                                                            
                       WILL
Donít you have to be at work by 6?
                                                            

6.

                       DREW
Yeah, you should've been in bed
hours ago.
                                                            
                       JASON
Well, yeah. Look, are you going to
tell the story or not?
                                                            
                       DREW
Alright, alright. See, I was over
at Jennaís a few weeks ago while
her parents were at work...
                                                            
CUT TO:
                                                            
INT. JENNA'S BEDROOM - THREE WEEKS AGO
                                                            
Drew and Jenna are in her room. They are on her bed making
out and Drew is attempting to take off her clothes.
                                                            
                       JENNA
No, Drew, stop! We canít! My
parents could be home any second.
                                                            
                       DREW
Come on baby, please. Iím only
going to be here for a few more
weeks and I am going to miss you
so much.
                                                            
                       JENNA
But my parents...
                                                            
                       DREW
It's only... 5:02 baby. They are
never home before 5:30. Weíll be
fine. Besides, your dad is
practically blind. He could walk
in on us right now and he'd think
you were just sitting on the bed
with your cat.
                                                            
                       JENNA
      (laughing)
He is not blind! He just has
trouble seeing sometimes. Donít
make fun, Drew.
                                                            
                       DREW
Okay, okay. Iím sorry. Now come
on, letís do this, baby. I need
your loving bad.
                                                            
                       JENNA
Well, alright. Just try to make it
fast. Not that itís ever been a
problem in the past.
                                                            
                       DREW
      (seriously)
That is the least funny thing you
have ever said.
                                                            

7.

                       JENNA
      (laughing)
Aww, come on sweetie! I was
kidding! It was just a joke!
                                                            
                       DREW
      (dejected)
A mean joke.
                                                            
                       JENNA
Aww, come here. Iíll cheer you up.
                                                            
Jenna takes off her bra and tosses it across the room. She
stands up and strips out of her shorts and panties as Drew
watches. She then lays down on Drew, pinning him against the
bed.
                                                            
                       JENNA
Still mad?
                                                            
                       DREW
What? Mad? No. Why would I be mad?
                                                            
                       JENNA
      (laughing)
Nevermind... Do you have any
protection?
                                                            
                       DREW
Yeah... What?
                                                            
                       JENNA
      (hits him in the
       chest)
A condom, Drew!
                                                            
                       DREW
Oh, yeah...yeah! My wallet. Hold
on.
                                                            
                       JENNA
Okay, hurry up, big boy.
                                                            
                       DREW
      (looks through his
       wallet)
Fuck! Where is it?
                                                            
                       JENNA
How should I know? Thatís your
job, buddy.
                                                            
                       DREW
Having the condom is my job? Well,
then what's your job?
                                                            
                       JENNA
Looking like this with my clothes
off!
                                                            
                       DREW
Fair enough. So, you don't have
any at all?
                                                            

8.

                       JENNA
No... but my parents do! Come on!
                                                            
Jenna puts on a robe and leads Drew into her parent's
bedroom. She goes into the bathroom as Drew lays on the bed.
She comes back with a condom and hands it do Drew.
                                                            
                       JENNA
Now, seriously, baby. Hurry up.
                                                            
Drew pulls down his shorts and slides the condom on. Jenna
and Drew are both giggling. Drew throws Jenna on top of him.
                                                            
                       DREW
You ready for the ride of your
life, baby?
                                                            
                       MRS. HANSEN
      (from the hallway)
Jenna! Weíre home! Are you here?
                                                            
                       DREW
Oh, fuck me!
                                                            
                       JENNA
Not now, Drew! Go! Go hide!
                                                            
                       DREW
      (frantically)
Where? Where?
                                                            
                       JENNA
In the bathroom! Go! Hurry!
                                                            
Drew pulls up his shorts and runs into the bathroom. Jenna
puts on her robe and runs to meet her parents in the
hallway.
                                                            
                       MRS. HANSEN
Jenna, why are you wearing a robe?
And why were you in our room?
                                                            
                       JENNA
I was about to take a shower. You
guys are home early.
                                                            
                       MRS. HANSEN
What's wrong with your shower?
                                                            
                       JENNA
Nothing's wrong with my shower,
Mom. I just like yours better.
                                                            
                       MR. HANSEN
      (kisses Jenna)
Okay, baby. You can use our shower
right after I take care of some
business in the bath room.
                                                            
                       JENNA
No, Daddy! Just use mine!
                                                            

9.

                       MR. HANSEN
No, no. All my magazines are in
there. Iíll only be a minute.
                                                            
                       JENNA
Daddy, I---
                                                            
                       MR. HANSEN
      (kisses Jenna)
I'll be done in a minute.
                                                            
Mr. Hansen walks past Jenna and into the bathroom.
                                                            
                       DREW
      (in his head)
Oh, shit! Please let this blind
old fuck be takin' a piss!
                                                            
Mr. Hansen farts loudly.
                                                            
                       DREW
      (in his head)
Fuck me! I am so fucked! I am so
fuckin' fucked! And why can't I
get these damn pants to button? I
gotta start drinking light beer...
Oh, God! That shit smells so bad.
I think I'm going to throw up.
That is the foulest shit I have
ever---
                                                            
Drew coughs quietly.
                                                            
                       MR. HANSEN
Who's back there?
                                                            
                       DREW
      (in his head)
Oh, fuck!
                                                            
                       MR. HANSEN
Who's back there!
                                                            
Mr. Hansen stands up and opens the shower curtain.
                                                            
                       DREW
Hi, Mr. Hansen!
                                                            
Drew stands up and his pants fall down around his ankles.
His condom falls down to the floor right in front of Mr.
Hansen.
                                                            
                       MR. HANSEN
      (furious)
Drew? What the hell is going on
here?
                                                            
                       DREW
Ummm, I'm gonna let you finish up
in here, sir! Bye!
                                                            
Drew runs past Mr. Hansen and into the bedroom where he
trips over the Hansen's cat.
                                                            

10.

                       DREW
Shit, I'm sorrry Marbles!
                                                            
                       MRS. HANSEN
Drew? What on earth is going on?
                                                            
Drew runs past her and out the front door.
                                                            
                       MR. HANSEN
That boy is never allowed in this
house again!
                                                            
                       JENNA
But, daddy---
                                                            
                       MR. HANSEN
Never! I never even want to hear
that boy's name again! In fact,
you are not allowed out of this
house until he leaves for school!
Do I make myself clear?
                                                            
                       MRS. HANSEN
Phil, don't you think---
                                                            
                       MR. HANSEN
      (louder)
Do I make myself clear?
                                                            
Mrs. Hansen and Jenna go silent.
                                                            
                       MR. HANSEN
Good. Now if you girls need me,
I'll be in the bathroom.
                                                            
CUT TO:
                                                            
INT. MURPHY FAMILY BASEMENT - PRESENT TIME
                                                            
                       DREW
I called her as I was walking home
and she told me she could never
see me again. She hasnít even been
allowed to leave her house since
then.
                                                            
                       JASON
I thought she had a job at the
mall?
                                                            
                       DREW
She did. Her dad made her quit.
                                                            
                       JASON
Holy shit. But she's allowed out
now, right?
                                                            
                       DREW
Nope. She's still on house arrest.
                                                            
                       JASON
Are you sure about that?
                                                            

11.

                       DREW
Yeah, why?
                                                            
                       JASON
Beacause I heard she fucked Steve
Walker at Brianna Cooper's
end-of-summer party last weekend.
                                                            
                       DREW
What? Who the fuck told you that?
                                                            
                       JASON
A bunch of people.
                                                            
                       WILL
I heard the same thing, man.
                                                            
                       DREW
How could she do that to me?
                                                            
                       JASON
I dunno. She probably heard about
you and Ashley.
                                                            
                       DREW
Oh, right, Ashley. I forgot about.
Fuck! I gotta get out of this
place. All the girls here are
sluts. None of them are worth
shit.
                                                            
                       JASON
Come on, man. They aren't all that
bad.
                                                            
                       WILL
No, dude. Drew's right. All the
girls in this town suck. None of
them are worth it, dude.
                                                            
                       DREW
Well, they don't all suck. Huh,
Will?
                                                            
                       WILL
What's that supposed to mean?
                                                            
                       DREW
Come on, man...
                                                            
                       WILL
What? Come on, what?
                                                            
                       DREW
You're actually going to sit over
there and act like you aren't in
love with Grace DiMarco?
                                                            
                       JASON
Seriously, dude. Who are you
kidding?
                                                            

12.

                       DREW
I don't know why you ever broke up
with her in the first place.
                                                            
                       WILL
      (voice rising)
What do you mean you donít know
why I broke up with her? Are you
kidding me? I had to break up with
her! And you know exactly why!
Both of you assholes do!
                                                            
Drew and Jason say nothing.
                                                            
                       WILL
Iím Will! Sheís Grace! Will and
Grace! The jokes were nonstop.
Non-fuckin-stop. Iíd rather be
single for the rest of my life
than hear more jokes about that
stupid fuckiní show about the
stupid fuckiní fags in stupid
fuckiní New York.
                                                            
                       JASON
Okay, okay. Take it easy, Willie.
We're sorry.
                                                            
                       WILL
Don't fuckin' call me Willie,
asshole!
                                                            
                       DREW
Relax, man. Here, hit this shit.
Take it easy.
                                                            
                       JASON
Seriously. Let's talk about
something else. Do you know who
you're rooming with, Drew?
                                                            
                       DREW
Yeah, kind of. I mean, I know all
of their names and where they are
from. I've only talked to one of
them, though. I signed a lease at
this off campus apartment and
there's going to be four of us in
it. All freshman. Should be cool.
                                                            
                       JASON
That's awesome, man.
                                                            
                       DREW
Yeah, the place is nice, too. Got
four bedrooms, two bathrooms, a
living room, a balcony, a kitchen.
                                                            
                       WILL
Kitchenette.
                                                            
                       DREW
What?
                                                            

13.

                       WILL
It's called a kitchenette.
                                                            
                       JASON
How the fuck would you know?
                                                            
                       WILL
Because I was there when my mom
signed the lease, asshole!
                                                            
                       DREW
Would you please calm the fuck
down, Will? I swear you are the
only kid I know who gets more
aggressive when he is high.
                                                            
                       JASON
How'd you get out of living in the
dorms, man?
                                                            
                       DREW
I wrote a bullshit letter to the
school saying I didnít think I
could handle it because of blah
blah blah. Same thing Jennaís
brother did when he went to
college. So they said I didnít
have to live in the dorms, and I
leased an apartment.
                                                            
                       JASON
Nice. Hopefully your roommates
will be cool.
                                                            
                       DREW
They sound cool enough. There's a
kid named Dan, who's from
Virginia, too. And there's a black
kid named Jevon Beekman, from
Mississippi. The one kid I talked
to, Tommy, seemed like a nice
enough guy. I really canít wait to
meet these kids. Hopefully weíll
end up all being really good
friends.
                                                            
                       WILL
Yeah, and maybe you guys can get
drunk and have a four-way circle
jerk on your first night in town!
                                                            
Drew jumps up and tackles Will.
                                                            
                       JASON
Well, thatís a pretty good way to
end this night. Listen, I gotta
go. I got work in the morning. I
will see you, I guess, when I see
you, buddy.
                                                            
                       DREW
You gotta come up and visit me
soon, man. Later, buddy.
                                                            

14.

Drew and Jason hug and Jason leaves.
                                                            
                       WILL
Tomorrow's gonna suck. I hate car
trips.
                                                            
                       DREW
You don't have to come, dude. I'm
sure Mom and I could handle it
ourselves.
                                                            
                       WILL
What, are you kidding? If I don't
come with you guys tomorrow, I'll
never hear the end of it. It'll be
her guilt-trip excuse until I go
away to school.
                                                            
                       DREW
Yeah, well thanks for coming,
anyway. I don't think I could
handle Mom by myself tomorrow.
                                                            
                       WILL
Yeah, don't mention it. I'm gonna
miss you, man.
                                                            
                       DREW
Thanks, Will. I'm going to miss
you too, man.
                                                            
Drew and Will start to walk upstairs. Will steps on Drew's
heel causing him to trip.
                                                            
                       DREW
What the fuck, asshole?
                                                            
                       WILL
It's not my fault you fell, you
spaz!
                                                            
Drew lunges at Will and tackles him to the ground.
                                                            
                       DREW
Dude, did you just bite me?
                                                            
 
INT. APARTMENT 324 - DAY
                                                            
The next morning, Drew, Will, and Mrs. Murphy are bringing
Drew's stuff up into his apartment.
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
This doesnít look anything like
the model apartment!
                                                            
                       DREW
Calm down, Mom. The apartment's
fine.
                                                            

15.

                       MRS. MURPHY
Where are your roommates? I
thought they would be here to help
us move in. Andrew? I am talking
to you. Where are your roommates?
                                                            
                       DREW
How should I know, Mom?
                                                            
                       WILL
Maybe their mothers didnít wake
them up at 8 A.M. and force them
to move in before dawn, too.
                                                            
                       DREW
Do you even know what time dawn
is, dumbass?
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
Not now, boys! This is very
stressful. We have a lot to get
done.
                                                            
A young man comes walking into the apartment.
                                                            
                       JEFF
Iíd be glad to help, maíam! Hi, my
name is Jeffrey Armstrong, I am
the R.A. of this building. Welcome
to Hancock! And welcome to Gilbert
Hall.
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
      (in her head)
R.A.? I thought this was an
off-campus apartment... why is
there an R.A.?
                                                            
                       DREW
      (in his head)
R.A.? Son of a bitch... this gawky
douchebag better not cramp my
style.
                                                            
                       WILL
      (in is head)
R.A.? What the fuck is an R.A.?
                                                            
                       JEFF
Well, ummm, none of you have said
anything for like 30 seconds,
so... I'm assuming you don't need
any help?
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
Oh, Jeff, I'm sorry. My mind was
wandering. My name is Ellen
Murphy; this is my son Drew, he's
going to be living here. Oh, and
that's my other, son, Will. He's
still in high school.
                                                            
                       JEFF
It's nice to meet you, Drew.
                                                            

16.

                       DREW
Yeah. What's up?
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
Jeff, I didn't realize that
Gilbert Hall would have an R.A.,
seeing as how it is located
off-campus.
                                                            
                       JEFF
I can explain that ma'am. You see,
the school owns several apartments
off-campus and leases them to
students. It is still technically
student housing. They hire older,
responsible students like myself
to live here and make sure that
the other students donít have any
problems. This is my third year as
an R.A., so I have been assigned
to this building, as it will be
housing almost entirely freshmen.
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
Oh, well that sounds great. I'm
sure you and Drew will be fast
friends!
                                                            
                       JEFF
I hope so! Drew, I trust there
wonít be any problems from Room
324 this year?
                                                            
                       DREW
Nah, there wonít.
                                                            
                       JEFF
Okay, good. I had to throw some
students out of here last year and
force them to live in the freshmen
dorms over at Fieldcrest Hall,
which are a complete nightmare.
Iíd hate to have to do that again.
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
I'm sure that won't be necessary.
                                                            
                       JEFF
Okay, then. I just wanted to
introduce myself. And Drew, if you
need anything, Iím right
downstairs: Room 112. Nice meeting
you, ma'am.
                                                            
Jeff leaves.
                                                            
                       WILL
What a douchebag.
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
Stop it, Will. I thought he seemed
like a very nice young man. Try
not to give him too much grief
this year, Drew.
                                                            

17.

                       DREW
I won't.
                                                            
                       WILL
Wait a minute. Didnít that kid say
he was going to help us move all
this shit in? That lazy son of
a---
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
      (interrupts him)
Will! Please! What has gotten into
you? No more mafia movies for you.
                                                            
                       DREW
Are you guys about done?
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
Done? Ha! Not even close. Come on
boys, we still have a lot to do.
                                                            
                       WILL
No we donít, Mom. We already
hauled everything up here: his TV,
his clothes, his computer, his
DVDs, his jerkoff mags...
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
His what?
                                                            
                       DREW
Nothing, Mom. He's just kidding.
What else do we need to do? All
the stuff is up here. I can just
arrange it all myself.
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
Okay, okay. I get the picture.
We'll be out of your hair soon
enough. But I am going to make
your bed up. And remember these
are new sheets, so try not to mess
them up.
                                                            
                       WILL
Judging by that Jenna Jameson
poster he just hung over his bed,
I think you better leave him some
extra Tide if you want those
sheets to stay clean.
                                                            
Drew punches Will on the arm.
                                                            
                       DREW
I appreciate the new sheets Mom,
but can you guys take off when
you're done with that? I really
need a nap. I only got like two
hours of sleep last night.
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
Why did you only get two hours of
sleep, Drew?
                                                            

18.

                       WILL
Youíre lucky, man. I didnít sleep
at all. Fuckiní birds...
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
Will!
                                                            
                       WILL
Sorry, Mom. I'm just really tired.
Can we please go home?
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
Just give me a minute, Will! Why
don't you boys go take a look at
the view on the balcony?
                                                            
                       WILL
Because his view sucks?
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
Will! Just go out on the balcony!
                                                            
Drew and Will walk out to the balcony.
                                                            
                       WILL
      (to Drew)
I thought she was really asking.
Whoa dude, you can totally see
into all those people's rooms!
                                                            
                       DREW
Yeah, I guess I probably could if
their curtains were down.
                                                            
                       WILL
What if some hot chick changes in
front of her window and you could
see her tits? That would be
awesome!
                                                            
                       DREW
Yeah, that would be definitely be
awesome. Except, this isnít a
corny college movie from the 80s,
which is the only place where that
kind of shit would actually
happen. This is the real world,
dumbass.
                                                            
                       WILL
Why do you gotta be such a
dickhead, man? I'm just trying to
help you see some naked chicks!
For free! Think positively, bro!
Positivity is the key. If you
believe it, they will come. And
they will be naked. And you will
see their titties!
                                                            
                       DREW
Alright, man. I'll try.
                                                            

19.

                       WILL
Oh, dude! You know what you should
do? Wait for some girl to be
looking out her window at you and
stick your hand down your pants
and pretend like you are jerkin'
it. That would be so fuckiní
funny!
                                                            
Mrs. Murphy is standing in the doorway listening to Will.
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
Will! What did I just say?
                                                            
                       WILL
I dunno, what?
                                                            
                       DREW
The cursing, dumbass.
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
Come on, Will, weíre going home.
Somtimes I wish you were still
small enough for me to wash your
mouth out with soap.
                                                            
                       WILL
God, I hated that. I still canít
use those little soaps they give
you in hotels.
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
I guess weíll go Drew, unless you
want me to make you guys
breakfast. Itís no trouble.
                                                            
                       DREW
Just go, Mom. Iím sure youíre
tired, too.
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
Actually, I am. Your fatherís
snoring kept me up all night.
Plus, I think heís farting in his
sleep now.
                                                            
                       WILL
Dad always farts in the car, too.
I swear he shit his pants when we
were on our way to the movies last
week.
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
Say goodbye to your brother, Will.
                                                            
                       WILL
Later, loser. Let me know when you
guys get NFL Sunday Ticket.
                                                            
                       DREW
Bye, guys.
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
Bye, baby.
                                                            

20.

Mrs. Murphy kisses Drew on the head and she and Will walk
out the door. Will opens the door and peeks his head back in
as Drew looks back.
                                                            
                       WILL
      (as Dave Chapelle)
Peace, nigga!
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
      (in the hallway)
Will! You canít say stuff like
that! What is wrong with you?
                                                            
                       WILL
      (in the hallway)
Relax, Mom. Itís not a big deal.
They say it on TV all the time.
                                                            
                       MRS. MURPHY
      (in the hallway)
I don't know where I went wrong
with you boys.
                                                            
Drew laughs as he walks into his room. He collapses face
down on his bed.
                                                            
CUT TO:
                                                            
INT. JENNA'S BEDROOM - DREW'S DREAM
                                                            
Jenna is lying on her bed as Drew walks towards her.
                                                            
                       JENNA
I want you to fuck me. Come here!
Come here and fuck me, you big
stud.
                                                            
                       DREW
I'm coming!
                                                            
A guy appears on top of Jenna.
                                                            
                       JENNA
Yeah! Fuck me! Harder! Fuck me,
harder! Oh yeah, thatís it, thatís
it. Fuck me, baby.
                                                            
                       DREW
Jenna? Steve Walker? Hey! Stop
that! Hey! Hey! Stop that! That's
my bitch!
                                                            
CUT TO:
                                                            
INT. DREW'S APARTMENT - DAY
                                                            
A tall white kid is standing in the doorway to Drew's room.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Hey! Hey, man! You awake?
                                                            
                       DREW
      (waking up)
What? Oh, hey, whatís up, dude?
                                                            

21.

                       BEEKMAN
Nothing, man. I just got here. I'm
Jevon Beekman. But everyone just
calls me Beekman.
                                                            
                       DREW
Drew Murphy. Wait, you're Jevon
Beekman?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Yeah, why?
                                                            
                       DREW
I dunno. I guess I was just
expecting something different.
Nevermind. It's nice to meet you,
dude. You need any help bringing
your stuff in?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Nah, I'm good.
                                                            
Dan walks in carrying bags.
                                                            
                       DAN
I could use some help! What's up,
guys? I'm Dan. Dan Wilson.
                                                            
                       DREW
Drew Murphy.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Jevon Beekman.
                                                            
                       DAN
That's cool. It's nice to meet you
guys. Wait, you're Jevon Beekman?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Yeah, why?
                                                            
                       DAN
I dunno. I guess I was just
expecting something different.
                                                            
                       DREW
You just don't look like a Jevon,
dude.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Yeah, well, that's what it says on
my underwear.
                                                            
                       DREW
You have your name on your
underwear?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Well, no...
                                                            
                       DAN
To be honest, I was expecting a
black guy.
                                                            

22.

                       BEEKMAN
Well... I'm not.
                                                            
                       DAN
Yeah, I can see that. Thank God,
right? I can't stand black people.
                                                            
Drew and Beekman pause and look at each other.
                                                            
                       DREW
Ummm, so you need help bringing
your stuff in, right dude?
                                                            
                       DAN
Yeah, I do, thanks. It's out in my
car.
                                                            
CUT TO: INT. APARTMENT 324 - A FEW MINUTES LATER

The boys have unpacked all of their stuff and are waiting
for their final roommate to arrive.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
When do you think Tommy will get
here?
                                                            
                       DREW
He has a girlfriend so he probably
won't leave until he absolutely
has to. He'll want to get some
last minute pussy.
                                                            
There is a knock on the door and Beekman walks over. He
looks through the peephole and sees a beautiful girl and her
tall friend standing in the hallway.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
      (under his breath)
Please be Tommy.
                                                            
Beekman opens the door.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Hi, can I help you?
                                                            
                       STACEY
Hi, Iím Stacey and this is my
roommate, Polly. We live down the
hall and we wanted to introduce
ourselves.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Hi, Stacey! Iím Jevon! Come on in!
My roommates are right over there.
Thatís Drew and thatís Dan.
                                                            
                       STACEY
Hey guys! I'm Stacey and this is
Polly.
                                                            
                       POLLY
Hey.
                                                            

23.

                       DAN
Yeah, what's up. Stacey, come sit
down!
                                                            
                       DREW
      (to Stacey)
Are you a freshman? Where are you
from?
                                                            
                       STACEY
Yeah, I'm a freshman, we both are.
                                                            
                       POLLY
We went to high school together in
Maryland.
                                                            
                       DREW
Oh. So, Stacey, have you met your
other roommates?
                                                            
                       STACEY
Yeah, we met them, they are sort
of, well, they are---
                                                            
                       POLLY
      (interrupts her)
They are bitches.
                                                            
                       STACEY
Yeah, and they are older than us,
too. I donít think weíll be
hanging out with them much. Thatís
why we wanted to meet all of our
neighbors.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Well, you are welcome here any
time you want. Donít even knock,
just come right in.
                                                            
                       STACEY
Thanks, guys! Everyone has been so
nice!
                                                            
                       DAN
      (sarcastically)
You're kidding.
                                                            
The door opens and a guy and a girl walking in carrying
bags.
                                                            
                       DREW
What's up, man?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
What's up, guys? I'm Tommy. This
is my girlfriend, Katie. She's
helping me move in.
                                                            
                       KATIE
Hi.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Jesus.
                                                            

24.

                       DAN
I am really, really going to like
it here.
                                                            
                       DREW
How's it going, guys? I'm Drew.
And that's Beekman and Dan. Oh,
and that's Stacey, and that's...
Molly, right? They live in this
building, too. Dude, your room is
right over here, next to mine. Let
me help you guys with this stuff.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Cool, thanks.
                                                            
                       DREW
Iím thinking we should all get to
know each other a little better
tonight. I got a bottle of Vladi
stashed in my room. And I could
call my cousin, Brendan, and have
him bring over a few cases of
beer. You girls want to hang out?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
I got a beer pong table in the
back of my truck.
                                                            
                       STACEY
Great! I love beer pong!
                                                            
                       DREW
Oh, yeah. I am definitely going to
like it here.
                                                            
                       DAN
You can be on my team, Stacey.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Fuck that! I saw her first!
                                                            
 
INT. APARTMENT 324 - NIGHT
                                                            
That night, the beer pong table has been set up and kids are
playing beer pong, drinking, and listening to music.
                                                            
                       STACEY
I am not taking off my top, guys!
I hate to burst your bubble but
I'm really not that drunk!
                                                            

25.

                       BEEKMAN
Rules are rules, Stacey! You and
Dan got skunked, so you gotta
strip down to your underwear, go
outside, and touch your car.
Standard Apartment 324 beer pong
rules, babe. Sorry, but I'm not
the one you should be mad at. Iím
not the one who made up the rules.
In fact, Iím going easy on you by
letting you only take off your top
instead of your jeans, too.
                                                            
                       STACEY
Oh, you're gonna let me keep my
jeans on, huh? I only have to take
off my top? Gee, thanks. And if
you didn't make up the rules, who
did?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Drew did!
                                                            
Drew shrugs agreeingly.
                                                            
                       STACEY
Well, Iím still not doing it. Dan
purposely missed every shot he
took!
                                                            
                       DAN
I did not!
                                                            
                       STACEY
Your last shot went into one of
our cups!
                                                            
                       DAN
It slipped!
                                                            
                       DREW
Come on, Stacey. Beekman's right:
rules are rules. Strip, strip,
strip.
                                                            
A crowd joins around the table chanting "Strip, strip,
strip!"
                                                            
                       STACEY
Fine! Fine! Iíll do it. God, I
canít believe I'm doing this. I
hate peer pressure.
                                                            
Stacey takes her shirt off and puts it down on the table.
Beekman's jaw drops and he drops his beer to the ground.
                                                            
                       DREW
Now the pants.
                                                            
                       STACEY
I'm not taking off my pants!
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
I'll do it.
                                                            

26.

                       STACEY
Thanks, but no thanks. I'm going
to go touch my car and I'll be
right back.
                                                            
Stacey leaves.
                                                            
                       DREW
Somebody hide that girl's shirt.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Wow. Okay, whose next? Katie?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
      (annoyed)
Nah, man. We are going to bed.
                                                            
                       DREW
Come on, dude. Hang out.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
      (sternly)
We are going to bed.
                                                            
                       DREW
Oh, alright. See ya tomorrow,
buddy.
                                                            
Tommy and Katie walk into Tommy's room.
                                                            
                       DREW
      (to Beekman)
Dude, too soon.
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
      (to Drew)
Iím out, man. See that blonde
chick by the door? I told her I am
on the football team, so if you
ever see her again and she asks
about me just tell her Iím at
football practice. Oh, and I think
J.T.'s still around here somwhere.
I saw him throwing water balloons
at a bunch of kids off your
balcony.
                                                            
                       DREW
What if I run into this girl
really late at night, Brendan? I'm
still supposed to tell her you're
at football practice?
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
What? Who cares? She's a girl.
                                                            
                       DREW
And...
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
And... girls don't knew when
football practice is, dumbass!
                                                            

27.

                       DREW
I'm pretty sure if I tell her
you're at football practice at 2
A.M. she'll be able to put it
together.
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
You obviously havenít met Amy.
Come on baby, letís go! Sheís got
a great ass but sheís not real
sharp.
                                                            
                       DREW
You just like her 'cause of that
pink thong.
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Yeah, no shit. Later, man. Yo,
baby, we're outta here! Let's go!
                                                            
                       ABBY
Okay, bye guys! Thanks for the
party. I'll see you later!
                                                            
                       DREW
Yeah, seeya.
                                                            
Brendan and Abby are leaving as Stacey walks back in.
Brendan follows Stacey back inside.
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Hey there, gorgeous. I'm Brendan.
                                                            
                       STACEY
Stacey.
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Have you ever seen two perfectly
shaved balls, Stacey?
                                                            
                       STACEY
Excuse me?
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
My balls. They are like two smooth
eggs. I want you to suck on them.
                                                            
                       STACEY
What? No! Fuck off, loser!
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Come on... Why donít you come with
me and my girl here? College is a
time to experiment, meet new
people, do crazy things!
                                                            
                       STACEY
Ewww! Forget it! Leave me alone!
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Lesbian. Let's go, Amy.
                                                            
                       ABBY
Abby.
                                                            

28.

                       BRENDAN
What?
                                                            
                       ABBY
Abby. My name is Abby.
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Abby? What kind of name is that?
                                                            
                       ABBY
I dunno... my name?
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Alright, whatever. Let's go. Later
Drew!
                                                            
Brendan and Abby leave.
                                                            
                       STACEY
Who was that asshole?
                                                            
                       DREW
I have no idea.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Hey, man! Great party! Listen, can
I use your beer bong?
                                                            
                       DREW
We don't have one. Who are you?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I'm Scott, Scott Gibbs. Nice to
meet you, man. This is my
roommate, Adam Hinkle. We live
down the hall from you guys. Just
moved in a few hours ago.
                                                            
                       ADAM
What's up, man?
                                                            
                       DREW
Drew Murphy. Nice to meet you
guys.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Listen, Drew, I have this really
great drinking game I want to show
everyone, but I need a beer bong,
a deck of cards, and a flash
light.
                                                            
                       DREW
Sorry, dude. We don't have a beer
bong. We have a bong bong if you
want to hit that.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Nah, that's okay. Hey, let's do a
boat race! I call anchor!
                                                            

29.

                       DREW
      (to Stacey)
I bet me and that kid are going to
get along really well.
                                                            
                       STACEY
You think?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (yelling)
Come on! Who wants to get their
stomach pumped tonight?
                                                            
                       DREW
Definitely.
                                                            
A few hours later Drew, Beekman, Dan, Stacey and Polly are
the only people left at the party. Drew and Stacey are
talking privately on the couch.
                                                            
                       STACEY
      (laughing)
Youíre kidding me! Her dad came
into the bathroom?
                                                            
                       DREW
It was a nightmare.
                                                            
                       STACEY
And you haven't seen her since?
                                                            
                       DREW
Nope. Been over a month now.
                                                            
                       STACEY
So... do you miss her?
                                                            
                       DREW
Who, Jenna? Not as much as I
thought I would.
                                                            
                       STACEY
Come on, Drew...
                                                            
                       DREW
I really donít. I mean, we didnít
really have anything in common.
She smokes, which is probably my
number one turnoff. She doesnít
like sports, she wanted to spend
all day shopping, and we didnít
have the same sense of humor, like
at all. She had never even seen an
episode of my favorite show.
                                                            
                       STACEY
What's your favorite show?
                                                            
                       DREW
The Simpsons. I swear I could
watch it all day long.
                                                            

30.

                       STACEY
I love The Simpsons! Itís like my
favorite show ever! How could she
have never seen an episode of it?
I didnít even realize that was
possible!
                                                            
                       DREW
Thatís what I said! And she would
never watch football with me
either. We'd end up spending every
Sunday apart and she'd get pissed
at me. But I can't miss a Redskins
game. There's no way. No girl is
worth that.
                                                            
                       STACEY
What else is there to do on
Sundays besides watch the
Redskins?
                                                            
                       DREW
I have no idea. I canít think of
anything else Iíd rather do on a
Sunday afternoon than drink beer
and watch football. That is the
perfect day to me.
                                                            
                       STACEY
Yeah, totally. Except it can't
really be a "perfect" day if you
don't get laid.
                                                            
                       DREW
      (seriously)
Will you marry me?
                                                            
                       STACEY
      (laughing)
Maybe some other time.
                                                            
                       DREW
Raincheck?
                                                            
                       STACEY
      (laughing)
Yeah. Something like that.
                                                            
                       DREW
I can't wait.
                                                            
                       STACEY
Yeah... so, anyways, if Jenna was
so weird why did you ever go out
with her in the first place?
                                                            
                       DREW
Well... ummm... convenience
mostly.
                                                            
                       STACEY
      (laughing)
Convenience?
                                                            

31.

                       DREW
Pretty much, yeah. She lived right
down the street, she was hot, and
she put out fast.
                                                            
                       STACEY
Well, it's good to know that you
have high standards.
                                                            
                       DREW
No, no. That's what I used to
want!
                                                            
                       STACEY
Oh, yeah? Well, what do you want
now, Drew?
                                                            
                       DREW
I dunno... Someone I can... watch
a football game with, and laugh
with, watch an episode of The
Simpsons with! Someone who is cool
and funny and doesnít take
everything too seriously.
                                                            
                       STACEY
And puts out fast.
                                                            
                       DREW
      (laughing)
In a perfect world, yeah.
                                                            
                       STACEY
      (laughing)
Sounds like a great girl.
                                                            
                       DREW
Oh, yeah, definitely. You know
anyone like that?
                                                            
                       STACEY
No, I can't say that I do. But
I'll keep my eyes open.
                                                            
                       DREW
      (leaning closer)
You promise?
                                                            
                       STACEY
Promise.
                                                            
                       DREW
I can't wait.
                                                            
                       STACEY
      (to the whole
       group)
Hey! You know what I just
realized?
                                                            
                       DREW
What?
                                                            

32.

                       STACEY
Dan never took off his clothes and
touched his car after we lost that
beer pong game!
                                                            
                       DAN
What?
                                                            
                       STACEY
Well, you were on my team, right?
I had to take off my shirt and go
outside and touch my car.
Shouldnít you have had to do it,
too?
                                                            
                       DAN
I uh, I dunno. Should I have?
                                                            
                       DREW
Technically... yes. But weíll let
it slide. Nobody wants to see
that.
                                                            
                       STACEY
Hey, no fair! I did it! I took off
my shirt in front of 30 people I
didnít even know and went outside
just because I lost a stupid beer
pong game! Now I want to see some
skin, too!
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Well, technically, you didnít
really do it the whole way.
                                                            
                       STACEY
What's that supposed to mean?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Well, you are supposed to strip
down to your underwear. Not just
your top. You gotta take off your
shirt, pants, everything.
                                                            
                       DAN
Bra.
                                                            
                       STACEY
Oh, please. I did what I was
supposed to do. Now it's your
turn, buddy.
                                                            
                       POLLY
How about this? Weíll strip down
to our underwear right now if you
guys get naked and go touch your
cars.
                                                            
                       STACEY
Polly!
                                                            
                       POLLY
Don't worry. They'll never do it.
They're chicken. Look at them.
            (MORE)

33.

                       POLLY (cont'd)
They're practically shaking just
thinking about it.
                                                            
                       DREW
I'm not chicken! I'll go do it
right now. But only if we get to
see some boobs. Fair's fair.
                                                            
                       STACEY
No way! I am not showing anyone my
boobs! Forget it. Listen guys,
itís getting late. Come on, Polly,
letís go.
                                                            
                       POLLY
Alright, alright. I knew they were
chicken. Bye, boys.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Bye.
                                                            
Stacey and Polly walk out and close the door. Seconds later,
they come back in. They both unzip their pants and pull them
slightly down before laughing and pulling them back up as
they leave.
                                                            
                       DREW
Fuck me.
                                                            
                       DAN
I am really going to like living
here.
                                                            
Tommy comes out of his room.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
What's going on, boys?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Stacey and Polly just left.
                                                            
                       DREW
What's up, buddy? You finally wear
your girl out?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
      (laughing)
Yup. She'll sleep well tonight.
                                                            
                       DREW
Sit down, dude. You guys smoke?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Of course.
                                                            
                       DREW
I'll roll one up.
                                                            
A few minutes later the four boys are laughing and passing
the blunt around.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
How about that Stacey? Damn, she
is fine. Itíll be interesting to
            (MORE)

34.

                       TOMMY (cont'd)
see which one of you guys gets in
there first.
                                                            
                       DAN
I really hope it's me.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
I saw her first!
                                                            
                       DREW
You guys are wasting your time.
That girl was all over me tonight.
I just didnít want to do anything
with her so quickly because I
figured it could get awkward, you
know, since we live so close and
all.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Bullshit. ďAwkward.Ē
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Who gives a fuck if itís awkward
when the chick looks like that?
                                                            
                       DAN
Seriously, dude. I'd bone that
girl with my grandmother in the
room.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
      (laughing)
So, I'm the only one with a
girlfriend here?
                                                            
                       DREW
Yep. You're the only one with a
ball and chain, dude.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
A ball and chain that just sucked
my dick.
                                                            
                       DAN
My girl broke up with me near the
end of summer. She was cheating on
me man, with a fuckiní black guy.
                                                            
                       DREW
That sucks, dude. My girl cheated
on me, too.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
That right there is why I've never
had a girlfriend.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Really? Never?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Nope, fuck that. Iím good just
spending one night with them. No
attachments. Easier that way.
                                                            

35.

                       DREW
It was easier for you in high
school to get a girl to just fuck
you once and never talk to you
again than to be your girlfriend?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
No, I mean, well, yeah. I----
                                                            
                       DAN
      (interrupts him)
How'd you covince them to do that?
All the girls at my high school
wanted a boyfriend and "love." It
was terrible.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Yeah, I dunno. I would be like Hey
baby, no attachments," and they'd
be all---
                                                            
                       TOMMY
      (interrupts him)
You're a virgin, aren't you?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
What? No! Iím not!
                                                            
                       DAN
Dude...
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
I'm not! I've been with tons of
girls!
                                                            
                       DREW
That's exactly what a virgin would
say.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Whatever.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
You can tell us, dude. It's not
that big of a deal, really.
                                                            
                       DAN
I didn't lost my virginity until
this summer.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Okay, okay, I'm a virgin. But it's
not like I've never done anything
with a chick before. And I'm only
18, so save the Steve Carrell
jokes.
                                                            
                       DREW
The 18-year-old virgin!
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Whatever, dude. I think thatís a
good goal for you. Your goal this
semester should be to get laid.
                                                            

36.

                       BEEKMAN
My goal for the last five years
has been to get laid.
                                                            
                       DREW
Yeah, but it's different now. You
got your own place.
                                                            
                       DAN
And no parents around.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Plus, you got us. We'll help you
out, man.
                                                            
                       DREW
You'll be banging more girls than
Colin Farrell this semester.
                                                            
                       DAN
I like your goal man, and I got
one of my own for this year.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Oh, yeah? What's that?
                                                            
                       DAN
Well, I have had sex before, with
Vanessa, the girl who left me for
that damn black guy. But Iíve
never, Iíve never had a girl go
down on me.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Not even Vanessa?
                                                            
                       DAN
Nope, she wouldn't do it. I asked
her all the time. She wouldn't go
for it.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
So, she'd have sex with you but
wouldn't suck your dick? Why not?
                                                            
                       DAN
She said she didnít see the point
of doing it. She said we should do
something that gives us both
pleasure.
                                                            
                       DREW
Selfish bitch.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Hasn't she ever head of 69ing?
                                                            
                       DREW
Don't sweat it, dude. Weíll all
help you out. Make sure you get
blown by some hot chick this fall.
It won't be hard. Gonna be lots of
drunk girls passing through Room
324 this semester.
                                                            

37.

The boys all laugh.
                                                            
                       DREW
Seriously, though. We all saw your
girl Tommy, so we know you donít
need any help there. Youíve
already gotten some nice action
this semester.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
True, true. But there is something
I really want to do this year.
                                                            
                       DAN
What's that?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Thereís only one sexual fantasy I
have never been able to get Katie
to agree to.
                                                            
                       DREW
What?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Well, I always wanted her to blow
me, to go down on me while I was
driving. Thatís like my biggest
fantasy in the world, and she just
wonít fuckiní do it. She
absolutely refuses. Sheís dressed
up like a nurse. Sheís worn a
whipped cream bikini. She even,
she even once let me shower
completely naked with her and her
best friend! But she wonít give me
head while I am driving! Itís
making me crazy! It makes no
sense!
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Katie wore a whipped cream bikini?
Wow...
                                                            
                       DREW
Why won't she do it? That doesn't
seem like that big of a deal.
                                                            
                       DAN
Maybe sheís afraid youíll crash.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
No way, I'm a great driver!
                                                            
                       DREW
So what? Iím not even sure I could
count to ten when a girl is doing
her thing down there.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Did she have whipped cream over
her ass too? Or was it just on her
tits and vag?
                                                            

38.

                       TOMMY
Just her front, man. Anyways,
thatís my goal. This fall Iíll be
driving back and forth from home a
lot picking her up and taking her
back, and that is my goal.
                                                            
                       DAN
Sounds good to me.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Was it regular whipped cream or
that weird chocolate kind?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
It was just the regular kind, man!
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Okay, okay. That's cool... I bet
that was real nice...
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Yeah, it was great. She's a great
girl.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Yeah, she really is. She seems
really sweet and she is so---
                                                            
Tommy glares at Beekman as Drew and Dan shake their heads.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
So, Drew! We've all told you what
we want to do this year. Now, it's
your turn.
                                                            
                       DREW
That's easy. All I want to do this
year is party and bullshit.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Well, yeah, of course. We all do.
But there's gotta be something you
want more than anything else?
                                                            
                       DREW
Not really. I'm not really one for
goals or pacts. I think they're
pretty lame.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Dude, this isn't a pact. It's just
a bunch of guys talking about what
they want and offering to help
each other get it.
                                                            
                       DREW
That's a pact.
                                                            
                       DAN
This does kind of seem like a
pact, man.
                                                            

39.

                       TOMMY
Yeah, well, are you going to tell
us what you want or not, Drew? I'm
tired, I'm baked, and I got a
naked girl in my bed. I don't feel
like arguing semantics with you
out here all night.
                                                            
                       DREW
What the fuck is a semantic?
                                                            
                       DAN
Dude, you shouldn't talk about
Jews like that.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Dude...
                                                            
                       TOMMY
I'm going to bed.
                                                            
                       DREW
Okay, okay. There is one thing I
want to do this year more than
anything else.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
What?
                                                            
                       DREW
Isn't it obvious?
                                                            
                       DAN
No, dude. What is it?
                                                            
                       DREW
Stacey...
                                                            
 
EXT. GILBERT HALL MAILBOX - DAY
                                                            
Over the next few weeks Drew continues to unsuccessfully
pursue Stacey and the boys continue to bond together. They
throw frequent parties as Apartment 324 becomes the social
hub of Gilbert Hall, angering Jeff to the point where he
seeks to have the boys thrown out. Tommy, Beekman, and Dan
also pursue their personal goals, but are unsuccessful as
well.
                                                            
One afternoon, Stacey is checking her mail as Jeff comes up
behind her.
                                                            
                       JEFF
Stacey! How are you?
                                                            
                       STACEY
Oh, hey Jeff. I'm good. How about
you?
                                                            
                       JEFF
I'm great. Just checking the mail.
How do you like Gilbert so far?
                                                            

40.

                       STACEY
I love it. Everyone has been so
nice to me.
                                                            
                       JEFF
      (sarcastically)
You're kidding.
                                                            
                       STACEY
What'd you say?
                                                            
                       JEFF
Nothing. Listen, Stacey, I was
wondering if you were doing
anything this weekend?
Say...Friday night?
                                                            
                       STACEY
I'm sorry Jeff, I already have
plans for Friday. Big party at
324.
                                                            
                       JEFF
Oh, really? How fun. Say, did I
see you coming out of a calculus
class the other day?
                                                            
                       STACEY
Yeah, maybe, I do take calculus.
                                                            
                       JEFF
Really? So, do I! How are you
doing in there?
                                                            
                       STACEY
I'm actually doing really well in
calc. Math has always come easy to
me, I guess.
                                                            
                       JEFF
Really? That's great! I've always
struggled with calculus. I could
really use a tutor, actually. Do
you think maybe you could help me
out with it sometime?
                                                            
                       STACEY
I dunno... I'm really busy.
                                                            
                       JEFF
I can pay you. I'll make it worth
your while. And we can work around
your schedule.
                                                            
                       STACEY
Well, I mean, I guess I could---
                                                            
                       JEFF
Great! What time would be best for
you?
                                                            
                       STACEY
I guess, maybe some time
tomorrow---
                                                            

41.

                       JEFF
      (interrupts her)
Sounds good! I'll come by at 8!
And I'll bring my textbook.
                                                            
                       STACEY
Yeah...okay. I guess I'll see you
then.
                                                            
                       JEFF
I can't wait!
                                                            
Jeff shuts his mailbox and a magazine falls to the ground in
front of Stacey.
                                                            
                       STACEY
Here, let me get that--- "Gay
Times?"
                                                            
                       JEFF
Oh, shit! That's not mine,
honestly. It's those damn kids
from 324, they're always sticking
that in my mail! I think they're
gay or something.
                                                            
                       STACEY
      (laughing)
Yeah, well, I'll see you tomorrow
night, I guess.
                                                            
Stacey walks away.
                                                            
                       JEFF
Bye, Stacey! See you tomorrow!
God, what I wouldn't give for a
minute and a half with that ass.
I'm gonna kill that fucking Drew
Murphy. And his retard friends,
too.
                                                            
CUT TO:
                                                            
INT. APARTMENT 324 - DAY
                                                            
Drew and Tommy are smoking and watching TV.
                                                            
                       DREW
Who the hell TiVo'ed "Last Call
with Carson Daly?"
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Beekman. I watched it with him
last night. A show has to be
epically bad for two people to be
able to watch it at 2 A.M., stoned
out of their minds, and not laugh
once.
                                                            
                       DREW
Well, I'm deleting it. I'm also
deleting Lizzie McGuire. Beekman
again?
                                                            

42.

                       TOMMY
Actually, that was Scott. He was
watching TV up here late one night
when I came out to take a piss. I
think he beats off to eps of
Lizzie McGuire and That's So Raven
when we're all asleep.
                                                            
                       DREW
We really need to make new
friends, or at least start locking
the front door. Dude, check this
out! We can get six hours of the
Spice Channel for $9.99!
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Do it, dude. That's less than
three bucks each! Totally worth
it.
                                                            
                       DREW
Fuck that. Iím not paying for
shit. The cable bill is Dannyís. I
pay the gas.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
What if he notices?
                                                            
                       DREW
I dunno. We'll just tell him he
ordered it himself when he was
fucked up. What the fuck's he
gonna do?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
How come you're only innovative
when there's porn or booze
involved?
                                                            
                       DREW
I think you're selling me a little
short, dude. I'm innovative when
it comes to drugs, too. Whose the
one who found the hookup with
those Mexican kids?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Touche.
                                                            
There is a loud knock on the door.
                                                            
                       DREW
      (girl's voice)
Who is it?
                                                            
                       JEFF
It's Jeff! Jeff Armstrong! Open
up, asshole.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
      (holding the blunt)
Fuck. What am I going to do with
this?
                                                            

43.

                       DREW
Just put it out and turn on the
fan!
                                                            
                       TOMMY
You threw the fan off the balcony!
                                                            
                       DREW
Just put it out, man!
                                                            
                       TOMMY
On what? You threw the ashtray off
the balcony with the fan!
                                                            
                       DREW
Hurry up!
                                                            
                       TOMMY
I'm throwing it away.
                                                            
                       DREW
Fuck that! That shit cost me 20
bucks, dude.
                                                            
                       JEFF
Open up, Murphy!
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Where do you want me to put it
out, asshole?
                                                            
                       DREW
I dunno...Hey, have you ever see
Cape Fear?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Of course, why? Oh...Fuck you! Do
it yourself!
                                                            
The boys look up and see the door knob turning. Without
thinking, Tommy sticks the blunt in his mouth as Jeff walks
in.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
      (screaming)
Fuck!
                                                            
                       JEFF
What?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
      (screaming)
Fuck!
                                                            
Tommy runs into the bathroom and slams the door.
                                                            
                       JEFF
What the hell is his problem?
                                                            
                       DREW
He was horrified by your ugly
face, man. What do you want?
                                                            

44.

                       JEFF
What I want, Mr. Murphy is for you
to the shut the fuck up for a
second and listen to me. Consider
this a warning: stop the wild
partying, stop the smoking, and
for God's sake stop throwing stuff
off your balcony! If you don't,
you're going to end up living in
the freshman dorms over at
Fieldcrest Hall, which I assure
you are a hellhole.
                                                            
                       DREW
Take it easy, alright? We'll try
to take it down a notch.
                                                            
                       JEFF
Take it down a few notches, Drew.
And stop putting those issues of
Gay Times in my mailbox. Itís not
funny any more!
                                                            
                       DREW
Gay Times? What the hell are you
talking about, Jeff? I don't want
to hear about your fag mag
subscriptions, man.
                                                            
                       JEFF
Well, maybe that wasn't you. But
remember all that other stuff I
said and pass it along to Mr.
Hughes and those other retards.
This is serious.
                                                            
                       DREW
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
                                                            
                       JEFF
Oh, and Drew? Try to be good
tomorrow tonight. I am going to be
out on a date and I donít want to
have to worry about you and your
band of idiots causing trouble.
                                                            
                       DREW
No offense, Jeff, but I don't
think your mom coming to town and
taking you to Applebee's counts as
a date.
                                                            
                       JEFF
That's funny. Real funny,
shithead. Actually, the girl I'm
going out with lives in this
building. I think you know her,
actually. Her name is Stacey.
Stacey James. Bye Andrew!
                                                            
Jeff leaves laughing.
                                                            
                       DREW
My Stacey?
                                                            

45.

                       TOMMY
      (muffled)
Is he gone? Fuck! My tongue really
hurts, man.
                                                            
                       DREW
Yeah, heís gone. But he warned us
that we needed to clean up our act
or he would have us kicked out of
here.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
      (muffled)
Kicked out of here? Why? Because
we keep sending him those
magazines?
                                                            
Dan and Beekman walk in from class.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Look, all I'm saying is that
Carson Daly's not that bad. Some
of his bits are pretty good, man.
                                                            
                       DAN
      (to Drew and Tommy)
What's wrong with you guys?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Yeah, what did that douchebag Jeff
want?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
      (muffled)
He said if we don't clean up our
act we're going to be kicked out
of here.
                                                            
                       DAN
Kicked out of here? Fuck! I told
you guys to stop sending him those
magazines!
                                                            
                       DREW
      (quietly)
It's not just the magazines, man.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
What are you so down about?
                                                            
                       DREW
Stacey's going out with that
cuntrag Jeff tomorrow night.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Stacey Stacey? Hot Stacey? The
girl you're in love with Stacey?
                                                            
                       DREW
Yeah, yeah, that Stacey.
                                                            
Scott comes running in.
                                                            

46.

                       DREW
Dude, what the fuck? Why are you
in your boxers? And why are you
soaking wet?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Dude, I need a towel!
                                                            
                       DREW
Why? What happened to you?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
It's a drinking game I just
learned. Long story short, I'm
getting my ass handed to me out
there. I'll explain later.
                                                            
                       DREW
Whatever. Hold on, I'll get you a
towel.
                                                            
Drew walks into the bathroom.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (to the other guys)
What's wrong with him?
                                                            
                       DAN
Stacey's going on a date with Jeff
Armstrong tomorrow night.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
What? You're kidding me. That's
terrible.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
What do you care?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I was planning on jerking off to
Stacey tonight.
                                                            
                       DAN
So?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
So...I can't jerk off to her now!
What if I'm about to pop and I see
Jeff's face? That would really
ruin the mood.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
That's fucked up, man.
                                                            
Drew comes back and hands Scott a towel.
                                                            
                       DREW
Here you go, dude.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Thanks! I'll catch you boys later!
                                                            

47.

                       DREW
Dude, wait. Is that a "7" written
on your back?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (trailing off)
I'll explain later....
                                                            
                       DREW
Why is your voice trailing off,
man? You're still standing right
here.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I really gotta go, buddy. I'll
catch you guys at your party on
Friday.
                                                            
Scott runs off.
                                                            
                       DREW
That kid's a fucking idiot. I'm
gonna take a nap.
                                                            
Drew goes into his room and closes the door.
                                                            
                       DAN
Shit, somebody should really go
talk to him.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
      (looking at the TV)
Is that porn?
                                                            
The boys all sit down in front of the TV and Tommy lights
the blunt.
                                                            
                       DAN
How'd you guys get this?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
      (muffled)
Ummm... free preview.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Awesome! Hey, pass that shit over
here.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
      (muffled)
Here.
                                                            
                       DAN
Why are you talking like that,
man?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
I burned my tongue on the blunt.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
      (laughing)
Are you serious? What are you,
retarded?
                                                            

48.

                       DAN
      (laughing)
I think you're supposed to put the
other end in your mouth there,
buddy.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Real funny, asshole. Weren't you
gonna go talk to Drew?
                                                            
                       DAN
Yeah, yeah, I will... After porn.
                                                            
The boys all sit back and stare at the TV.
                                                            
 
INT. APARTMENT 324 - NIGHT
                                                            
As the weeks go by, the boys become close friends as they
embrace the college life. Beekman still can't get laid no
matter what he does. Dan gets a job and meets a lot of girls
at work, but keeps striking out as well. Tommy can't
convince Katie to go down on him in the car, no matter how
many times he drives her back and forth between home and
school. Drew is devastated by what he perceives as a
relationship between Jeff and Stacey and lashes out at Jeff
by wreaking havoc on Gilbert Hall.

The boys are drinking beer and playing poker. Their Asian
friend Henry is over at 324 and dominating the game.
                                                            
                       HENRY
Four kings!
                                                            
                       DREW
Fuck that!
                                                            
                       HENRY
Gimme the loot! Gimme the loot!
                                                            
                       DREW
Who invited Men the Master?
                                                            
                       HENRY
Men Nguyen is from Vietnam,
asshole. Do I look Vietnamese to
you?
                                                            
                       DREW
Yes...?
                                                            
                       HENRY
You racist!
                                                            
                       DAN
Take it easy, Drew.
                                                            
                       DREW
Fuck off, Dan. You're the biggest
racist I've ever met. Talk about
the pot calling the kettle black.
                                                            
                       DAN
Hey, I got no beef with Asians.
                                                            

49.

                       TOMMY
What's beef?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
      (to Drew)
Dude, wait. What did you say about
pot?
                                                            
Scott and Adam walk in. Scott is wearing swim trunks,
sandals, sunglasses, and a straw hat.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
What's up, boys!
                                                            
                       DREW
Dude, what the fuck are you
wearing?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
What, this? Nothing, man. Just a
new drinking game. I lost.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
I think we all lost.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, yeah. It's a really fun
game! See, you take a mixed drink,
a stack of quarters, 6 shot
glasses, and a dog---
                                                            
                       DREW
      (interrupts him)
Save it, man. I don't have the
energy for this. Just sit down and
play.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
You're a weird kid, Scott.
                                                            
                       HENRY
Why don't you put on a shirt you
pasty fucker?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, pipe down over there, Yao.
Just deal the cards.
                                                            
                       HENRY
Don't call me Yao, asshole! I'm
not Chinese!
                                                            
                       DREW
Jesus, can we just play? Adam,
take a seat man. And Scott, could
you please put a shirt on? I can't
focus on the cards with your
dinner plate nipples staring at me
from across the table.
                                                            
Jeff walks in.
                                                            
                       JEFF
What are you fags up to tonight?
                                                            

50.

                       TOMMY
Don't you ever knock, asshole?
                                                            
                       JEFF
I don't need to knock. I saw the
ad for a circle jerk in Apartment
324 in the school paper. It said
come right in!
                                                            
                       SCOTT
So, you're saying you are here
because you heard there was going
to be a circle jerk?
                                                            
                       JEFF
What? No. I just... shut up,
Scott. What are you even doing
here?
                                                            
                       DREW
He was invited, dipshit. What the
fuck are you doing here?
                                                            
                       JEFF
I'm here, you little shit, because
Stacey told me you guys were
planning a party this weekend. And
I wanted to remind you that you
guys are about one mistake away
from being thrown out of this
apartment building. Iíve got a
list of complaints a mile long and
90% of them are about this room.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Complaints about us? What did we
do?
                                                            
                       JEFF
What did you do? What did you do?
Are you kidding me, Mr. Hughes? Is
that a dare?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Why would it be a dare?
                                                            
                       DREW
What's your fucking problem, man?
                                                            
                       JEFF
My problem, man, is that weíve
been receiving noise complaints
about this place since the first
week of school. I got chewed out
yesterday because our maintenance
staff found an entire bag of trash
on the ground directly underneath
your balcony. Is this how you take
out the trash? You just throw it
off the balcony?
                                                            
                       DAN
How do you know it was ours?
                                                            

51.

                       SCOTT
He can't prove shit.
                                                            
                       JEFF
Well, besides the fact that it was
right underneath your balcony, and
besides the fact that it was so
full of empty beer cans that it
took three grown men to carry it
to the dumpster, we found a cable
bill with Dan Wilsonís name on it
in the trash! Iíve never seen so
many pornographic movies charged
to one person!
                                                            
                       ADAM
I don't think it's legal to be
going through other people's
trash.
                                                            
                       JEFF
Going through it? Half of the
trash came out when the bag tore
in half. A trash bag isnít made to
hold 200 beer cans, you morons.
                                                            
                       DREW
      (whiny voice)
But it's such a long walk to the
dumpster.
                                                            
                       JEFF
Thatís not all. Last Saturday
morning, we received a number of
complaints about broken beer
bottles in the street. People
werenít able to get out of the
parking lot. One girl got fired
from her job because she couldnít
make it on time!
                                                            
                       TOMMY
What does that have to do with us?
                                                            
                       JEFF
What does it have to do with you?
Who do you think youíre talking
to, Mr. Hughes? I saw your little
friend over there throwing beer
bottles and laughing at the sound
they made when they broke on the
street.
                                                            
                       DREW
Me? You're full of shit, Jeff. I
don't remember that at all.
                                                            
                       JEFF
What exactly do you remember from
last Friday night, Mr. Murphy?
                                                            
                       DREW
I remember that there was beer.
                                                            

52.

                       JEFF
Yes, there was beer. As usual, you
were drinking, illegally I might
add. And when you were finished, I
saw you throwing the bottles onto
the street and laughing like a
maniac!
                                                            
                       DREW
Thatís impossible! How could you
have seen that?
                                                            
                       JEFF
I saw it from my balcony! The same
place where I see you throwing
empty kegs off your balcony every
night and peeing off of every
afternoon! One time, I even saw
you throw an entire fan off that
balcony into the street!
                                                            
                       DREW
I was drunk!
                                                            
                       JEFF
It was 3 o'clock on a Tuesday! And
you're underaged!
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Whoa, let's all settle down. Take
it easy, Drew.
                                                            
                       DREW
Fuck that, man! I've had enough of
this bitch stalking me! How come
you never bring up Beekman sitting
out there staring into girls
apartments across the courtyard?
Or Dan throwing ice cubes off the
balcony trying to hit squirrels?
Or Tommy throwing water balloons
at people getting into their cars
on the way to class?
                                                            
                       JEFF
Because I didn't know about that
stuff. But I do now.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
      (to Drew)
Thanks a lot, you fuckin' tattle
tale.
                                                            
                       JEFF
You guys are in a lot of trouble
here.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (lisping)
Who are you going to punish first,
Jeffey?
                                                            

53.

                       JEFF
Laugh it up, fellas. Laugh it up.
There's more. There have been
complaints about half-naked boys
and girls coming in and out of
your apartment in the middle of
the night and running around in
the parking lot.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
So? What's wrong with that?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
You want us to send the half-naked
boys over to your place, right
Jeff? Henry, get naked and go lay
on Jeff's bed.
                                                            
                       JEFF
That won't be necessary. I'm
leaving. I just want you to know
that I have my eyes on you. I will
be watching you all.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Every guy in this building already
knew that, Jeff.
                                                            
                       JEFF
That's funny. You're a funny guy,
Mr. Gibbs.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Oh, wow, thanks, Jeff. I have a
lot more jokes, especially about
you. Let me run and get my index
cards.
                                                            
                       JEFF
Maybe some other time. I have to
go get ready. I have a date
tonight.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Wining and dining your hand again,
huh Jeff?
                                                            
                       JEFF
No, Tommy, I won't be dining with
my hand. In fact, I will be
spending tonight with the lovely
Stacey James. And there wonít be
any wining or dining at all. But
there may be some 69ing. Stacey
said that tonight is the night.
                                                            
                       ADAM
Ten bucks says he blows his wad
before he even gets the condom on.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Bet!
                                                            

54.

                       JEFF
Keep laughing, assholes. I highly
doubt that will be the case
tonight. I never had that problem
with Lucy Anderson. Kelly
Reynolds, either.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
You were with Lucy Anderson and
Kelly Reynolds?
                                                            
                       JEFF
Uh-huh, I was. And now Iím going
to leave so I can added Miss James
to that list. Just remember this:
one more slip up and youíre all
out of here.
                                                            
                       HENRY
      (scared)
Even me?
                                                            
                       JEFF
What? No, Henry, not you.
                                                            
                       ADAM
What about me?
                                                            
                       JEFF
No, Adam. Of course not you. You
donít even live here.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
How about me?
                                                            
                       JEFF
No, Scott! You live with Adam!
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Well, to be fair, you did say
everybody, so I just assumed
that---
                                                            
                       JEFF
      (interrupts him)
You know what I meant, Scott! And
for Godís sake would you put on a
shirt!
                                                            
                       SCOTT
You know you like it.
                                                            
Jeff leaves and slams the door.
                                                            
                       DREW
What the hell does Stacey see in
that guy? What does he have that I
don't have?
                                                            

55.

                       SCOTT
I dunno, he can buy beer, he has a
car, he has a job, he has money,
heís not a complete burnout, heís
smart, he can be pretty damned
charming, and heó--
                                                            
                       DREW
      (interrupts him)
Would you shut the fuck up, Scott?
                                                            
                       HENRY
I'm all-in.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
I'm out. It's on you, Scott.
                                                            
                       DAN
Do you think Jeff's really gonna
do anything if we fuck around
again?
                                                            
                       DREW
Please, man. What can that little
bitch possibly do?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
He could probably have you guys
thrown out of here...
                                                            
                       DREW
And how is he going to do that?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I dunno. He probably just has to
fill out a form or something...
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Whatever, he's not gonna do shit.
It's on you, Scott. Come on, man!
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Calm down, man. What do you care
anyways? You haven't been in a
hand all night...Kid's playing
Texas Fold'em over there and he's
busting my balls...
Unbelievebale...I fold.
                                                            
                       DREW
Whatever, Tommy's right. Jeff's a
little bitch. He's not going to do
anything.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Good attitude. Think positively. I
need a beer.
                                                            
Scott stands up and walks towards the kitchen.
                                                            
                       DAN
Ashlee Simpson!
                                                            

56.

                       SCOTT
What?
                                                            
                       DAN
Ashlee Simpson!
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (angrily)
What? What the fuck did you just
call me?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Shit!
                                                            
                       ADAM
I don't get it.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Itís a game we play. Whenever
someone stands up, they have to
bring a beer back to the first
person who yells out the name of
some talentless celebrity.
                                                            
                       ADAM
Why?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
I don't know...
                                                            
                       DREW
We were high, man. Just get him a
beer, Scott. I call.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I'm going to teach you guys some
real drinking games one of these
days.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
I'm not playing any of your fucked
up drinking games, freakin'
weirdo.
                                                            
                       HENRY
Drew, Drew, Drew, why do you do
this to yourself, my buddy? Do you
want me to turn them over?
                                                            
                       DREW
No, just deal the rest of the
cards, man.
                                                            
Henry puts the last two cards on the table and looks at Drew
with a smile on his face.
                                                            
                       HENRY
What do you got?
                                                            
                       DREW
You first.
                                                            
                       HENRY
Straight. To the queen.
                                                            

57.

                       DREW
      (under his breath)
You're a queen.
                                                            
                       HENRY
What?
                                                            
                       DREW
Nothing. Will you guys excuse me
for a second?
                                                            
Drew stands up and walks into his room.
                                                            
                       DREW
      (yelling into his
       pillow)
Fuck!
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Paris Hilton!
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Ben Affleck!
                                                            
                       ADAM
Kevin Federline!
                                                            
                       HENRY
Tiger Woods!
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Someone explain the game to Henry
again.
                                                            
 
EXT. OUTSIDE THE FOOTBALL STADIUM - DAY
                                                            
As the months go by, the boys get even tigher, doing
everything together. They party, they pursue girls, and they
continue to enrage Jeff. With just a few days left in the
semester they go to Hancock's final football game on a
Saturday morning.

Drew, Tommy, Beekman, and Scott are walking back to the
apartment after watching the Hancock team lose to the
University of Virginia.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Well, that sucked. We woke up
early for that shit? Last game of
the season and we get our asses
handed to us by the fucking
Wahoos.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Yeah, no kidding. They really
handed it to us in the second
half.
                                                            
                       DREW
The UVA fans didn't have to rub it
in with all that chanting. That
really pissed me off.
                                                            

58.

                       BEEKMAN
Yeah, me too. Hey, what is a
"safety school?"
                                                            
                       SCOTT
We could've at least scored a
touchdown.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
What are you talking about? We
scored two touchdowns in the first
half.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
We did? I guess I don't really
remember the first half too well.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Yeah, well, that's what happens
when you're playing grain pong in
the parking lot before the game.
                                                            
                       DREW
And getting your ass kicked.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, yeah. Why didn't Dan come
out?
                                                            
                       DREW
He was throwing up at 9 A.M. this
morning.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
He was already drunk at 9 A.M.?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Nah, he was still up from the
night before. He never went to
sleep. He was throwing up and he
kept saying that he thought if he
fell asleep he'd throw up in his
mouth and choke to death.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
That's sick.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (impressed)
Wow. 9 A.M. That's a new record.
Dan raised the bar for us all.
                                                            
                       DREW
Yeah, seriously. My record is
6:30. It was that night Scott and
I played drunk basketball with
those two kids from across the
courtyard.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
When was this?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
A couple weeks ago.
                                                            

59.

                       BEEKMAN
I never heard about.
                                                            
                       DREW
We were drinking and carrying on
out on the balcony, right? And
these kids were out on their
balcony across the way talking to
us, so Scott challenges them to a
beer pong game.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
It was those douchebags who are
always out there "shotgunning"
beers and throwing them off the
balcony. Except they only drink
about a third of it and you can
hear a loud thud when it hits the
ground.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Beer-wasting bastards.
                                                            
                       DREW
Yeah, so anyways, they come over
to our apartment at like 4-5 in
the morning and we play over and
over again. And we just kicked
their asses. It was pathetic.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
You shouldn't mess with two pros
during their peek hours.
                                                            
                       DREW
Anyways, they were like "Well, we
could kill you guys in
basketball," so I told them to go
grab their ball and meet us up at
the courts.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Don't we have a ball?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, we actually used your ball
because they didn't have one. I
don't know why Drew asked them in
the first place. Your ball was
sitting right there.
                                                            
                       DREW
I just thought it sounded cool...
anyways... we went up there at
like 5:30-6 in the morning and we
played two games of two-on-two. We
killed them, it was ridiculous.
Scott even made a few 3-pointers.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
My "J" felt pure that night.
                                                            

60.

                       DREW
We were leaning up against the
fence between plays we were so
drunk. It was crazy. They finally
ended up quitting because they
were so pissed off. It was great.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
That's awesome, man.
                                                            
                       DREW
Yeah, well, there's actually more.
As we were walking back to the
apartment a cop car comes driving
up and just as it goes by, Scott
yells out: "Yeah, you better keep
going!," and the guy screeches to
a halt. Keep in mind that we were
maybe 20 feet from the building at
this point, all of us wasted, all
of us underaged.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
So, what did you do?
                                                            
                       DREW
Well, I thought about running. But
I was too drunk. I was afraid I'd
fall or something. So I just stood
there and waited for the guy to
come down on us.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, but he never did! He just
yelled at us and told us to get
our asses home. It was great!
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Holy shit.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
But you still haven't heard the
funniest part.
                                                            
                       DREW
That's true. All this happened
literally minutes before we both
passed out, so neither of us
remembered any of it the next day.
Until we went to Chick-fil-A.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Chick-fil-A?
                                                            
                       DREW
Yeah, we're in Chick-fil-A the
next night having dinner. And
Scott looks up and he sees the
same cop who he had yelled at
sitting there right across from us
eating a sandwich.
                                                            

61.

                       SCOTT
Yeah, and the whole night comes
flooding back to me.
                                                            
                       DREW
I had totally forgotten about it
until I saw that guy. So, we took
those sandwiches to go and got the
hell out of there.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yup. We figured it was a good idea
to get away from him before he
said anything to us.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Wow, that's crazy. But Scott, why
did you yell at the cop as he was
driving by?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I dunno... I was drunk.
                                                            
                       DREW
I swear to God, I almost tackled
you when that cop stopped his car.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
How come you never told us this
story before, Drew?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Yeah, seriously.
                                                            
                       DREW
I gotta save these stories for
long walks home after losing
football games, boys.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
How did you know we were going to
lose?
                                                            
                       DREW
You want to know how I knew we
were going to lose? I knew we were
going to lose because I bet $50 on
Hancock with that asshole bookie
from Building 4.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
That and we've lost every other
game this season.
                                                            
                       DREW
Also a factor, yes. The fuckers
could've at least covered the
spread.
                                                            
The boys walk into their apartment building and towards
their room.
                                                            

62.

                       SCOTT
Well, whatever you did it worked,
because we're home and the walk
wasn't nearly as painful as it
normally is. Good job, buddy.
                                                            
                       DREW
You coming over?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Nah, I gotta get some sleep in
before your guys' little get
together tonight. Who knows? I
might be playing basketball and
yelling at cops at 6 A.M. tonight,
too. Plus, I gotta bust Adam's
balls about not going to the game
so he could lay in bed with Lauren
all morning.
                                                            
                       DREW
True story. Later, man.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Later, guys.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Later.
                                                            
The rest of the boys walk into their apartment and see Dan
sprawled out on the couch.
                                                            
                       DREW
Hey, buddy. How do you feel?
                                                            
                       DAN
I'm good. Puked up everything I
took in yesterday. Everything I
took in this whole week, actually.
I feel like a junior high
cheerleader.
                                                            
                       DREW
Well...that's good...
                                                            
                       DAN
Yeah, so are we still having that
party tonight?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Of course. Katie's coming down and
everything.
                                                            
                       DAN
Cool, I invited this one really
hot girl over. I think sheís easy,
too.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Oh, yeah? How can you tell? Yo,
Beekman, throw me a beer, buddy.
                                                            

63.

                       DAN
All of the usual factors: she has
a tattoo on the small of her back,
sheís wearing a thong every time I
see her, she smokes---
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Smokes? Is that one?
                                                            
                       DREW
Definitely, man. "If she smokes,
she pokes."
                                                            
                       TOMMY
It's true.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Really? Maybe I should start
smoking. Might meet a nice slutty
girl during a smoke break.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Oh, that reminds me, dude. Katie
is bringing a friend up here and
weíre going to try to hook you two
up. Sheís hot and she is a slut,
for real, man. Her name is Emma.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Emma? Awesome! Does she smoke?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
I dunno...maybe?
                                                            
                       DREW
Wait, why does Beekman get the hot
slut? Weíre bathroom-mates,
asshole!
                                                            
                       TOMMY
I thought you were trying to get
with Stacey.
                                                            
                       DREW
So? Sheís fucking the biggest
douchebag on earth! I need handout
pussy way more than Beekman does
right now!
                                                            
                       TOMMY
He's a virgin!
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Thanks for bringing that up.
                                                            
                       DREW
Thatís exactly my point! He
doesnít know what heís missing!
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Well, hopefully he'll be able to
fuck Emma tonight and then he will
know what he's missing when he's
not getting any like you.
                                                            

64.

                       DREW
Dude...harsh.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Thanks a lot, Tommy. I really
appreciate it.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
No problem, buddy. Youíll really
like her, too. But you should know
that her and Katie donít want to
have another house party. They
want to go out to a club.
                                                            
                       DAN
Fine by me. Me and Amanda will
have the place to ourselves.
                                                            
                       DREW
Well, I hope at least one of you
guys reaches their goal tonight.
Obviously, I won't. Stacey's
probably going to be out with that
asswipe Jeff.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Yeah, well, it wonít be me,
either. Emmaís driving Katie up
here and taking her home. So,
there wonít be any chances for her
to blow me in the car. Unless she
does it on the way to Taco Bell or
something.
                                                            
                       DREW
Seems unlikely.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
This is gonna be an awesome night,
dude. I'm gonna go clean something
so I won't look like a hobo.
                                                            
                       DAN
I'm gonna go take a shower.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
I'm gonna go call Katie.
                                                            
                       DREW
I'm... gonna go rub one out while
looking at Stacey's Facebook page.
                                                            
The other guys all look at Drew.
                                                            
                       DREW
What? Like you guys don't do it,
too. Whatever. Fuck you guys.
                                                            
 
INT. APARTMENT 324 - DAY
                                                            
Later that day, Tommy is sitting on the couch watching TV.
                                                            

65.

                       TOMMY
      (out loud to
       himself)
How the hell did Carson Daly get
his own show?
                                                            
Tommy's cell phone rings and he answers it.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Hey baby, where you at?
                                                            
                       KATIE
      (on the phone)
We're like, about 20 minutes away.
I just wanted to call you and let
you know we'd be there soon.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Okay, cool. Thanks for giving me a
little heads up. I gotta start
getting all my other bitches outta
here before you guys get here.
                                                            
                       KATIE
      (laughing)
Yeah, yeah, I figured.
                                                            
                       EMMA
      (in the car)
Hey bitch, what exit do we take
next?
                                                            
                       KATIE
Tommy, I gotta go. Emma needs my
help with the directions.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Come on, Emma's a smart girl. She
can figure out.
                                                            
                       EMMA
      (louder)
Katie, what exit?
                                                            
                       KATIE
I gotta go, Tommy!
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Talk dirty to me.
                                                            
                       KATIE
      (laughing)
Tommy, please! I gotta go! Stop
fuckin' around!
                                                            
                       TOMMY
God, I love it when you say fuck.
Say it again.
                                                            
                       KATIE
      (laughing)
Tommy!
                                                            

66.

                       EMMA
What exit, Katie? Come on!
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Come on, baby. Just once.
                                                            
                       KATIE
      (laughing)
Tommy! Shut up! I gotta go! Iíll
be there soon, sweetie! I promise!
                                                            
                       TOMMY
You better be. I miss you, baby.
                                                            
                       KATIE
Oh, really?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
      (switches to Ron
       Burgundy)
Of course, I do. You're... kind of
a big deal.
                                                            
                       KATIE
      (laughing)
Will there be many leather-bound
books at the party?
                                                            
Drew and Scott walk in carrying McDonald's bags.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Of course. And the apartment will
smell of rich mahogany.
                                                            
                       KATIE
      (laughing)
You're an idiot.
                                                            
                       DREW
Is that Katie? Ask her if she's
bringing her sister!
                                                            
                       KATIE
Okay, I really gotta go, Mr.
Burgundy. Iíll be there really
soon. And I am not bringing my
sister! Do your roommates even
know that she's 14?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Yeah, they know. Drew said that
was a little old for him but that
heíd take whatever he can get.
                                                            
Drew shrugs agreeingly.
                                                            
                       KATIE
Eww. How do they even know what
she looks like?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
They don't.
                                                            

67.

                       KATIE
Guys are so weird.
                                                            
                       EMMA
Katie...
                                                            
                       KATIE
Look, I gotta go, babe! I really
do! I love you!
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Yeah, me too.
                                                            
                       KATIE
ďMe tooĒ? Oh, donít even try that
shit with me, Thomas. I donít care
who else is there with you. You
tell me that you love me right now
or you wonít be having any fun
this weekend.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
      (under his breath)
Fine, fine. I love you, too. Bye.
                                                            
Tommy hangs up the phone and looks up at Drew who is
laughing.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Yeah, yeah, fuck you. At least
sheíll end up sleeping in my bed
tonight. The only person you have
a chance to sleep with tonight is
Scott.
                                                            
Drew and Scott look at each other awkwardly.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
McNugget?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
No, thanks. Why didn't you guys
hit up the Wendy's Value Menu?
                                                            
                       DREW
I love McDonald's.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
No way, McDonald's sucks. It's the
common man's fast food place. If
you want anything good you have to
go to Wendy's or Burger King.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Whoa, dude. What about the McRib?
                                                            
                       DREW
      (salivating)
The McRib...
                                                            
All three pause in deep thought.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Now, that's a quality sandwich.
                                                            

68.

                       BOTH
Definitely.
                                                            
Beekman comes out of his room.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Yo, are those girls almost here?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Yeah, they'll be here any second.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Where are you guys taking them?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Elements.
                                                            
                       DREW
Elements? How are you going to get
in there?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
      (slyly)
Oh, we have a plan...
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
We do?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
      (slyly)
Yeah, well, I have a plan. A good
plan.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
What?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
      (slyly)
Oh, you'll see, my friend. You'll
see.
                                                            
                       DREW
Dude, could you stop talking like
that?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Seriously, man, what the fuck are
you doing?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
      (normally)
Whatever, screw you guys.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
I just hope your plan works, man.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
      (slyly)
Oh, it will...
                                                            
                       DREW
Dude, would you cut that out?
                                                            

69.

                       TOMMY
I'm going to my room.
                                                            
Tommy walks into his room and closes the door.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
What a weird kid.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
I just hope this big plan of his
works. It better be good...
                                                            
 
EXT. OUTSIDE ELEMENT'S NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT
                                                            
That night, Tommy, Beekman, Katie, and Emma are standing
outside the night club waiting to get in. A bouncer is
standing outside the front door.
                                                            
                       BOUNCER
I.D.'s?
                                                            
Tommy looks through his wallet.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Actually... I can't seem to find
my ID, but I'll give you 5 bucks
if you let me and my friends in.
                                                            
                       BOUNCER
I gotta see the I.D., kid.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Fine, 10 bucks.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
      (to Tommy)
This was your big plan? Bribing
him?
                                                            
                       BOUNCER
Kid, I'm not letting you and these
high school girls in here for 10
bucks. I could lose my job.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
You drive a hard bargain, my
friend. 20 bucks.
                                                            
                       BOUNCER
Get the hell outta here. We got
people waiting in line.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Come on, man. Let's just go.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
No way, fuck that. I'm not leaving
without getting in this club.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
And how the hell are you planning
on getting us in there?
                                                            

70.

                       TOMMY
I dunno...wait, I have a plan. A
good plan this time.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
      (sarcastically)
Great.
                                                            
CUT TO: APARTMENT 324 - NIGHT
                                                            
Back at the apartment, Drew, Scott, Brendan, and J.T. are
drinking and smoking.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
And so the agent asks, ďWhatís the
name of your act?Ē And the guy
goes, ďThe Aristocrats.Ē
                                                            
                       DREW
That's gross, man.
                                                            
                       J.T.
Who the fuck is this kid?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (standing up)
Who am I? Who the fuck are you?
                                                            
                       DREW
Sit down, dude. J.T., this is
Scott, he's my neighbor. J.T. is
Brendan's roommate.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Nice to meet you, man.
                                                            
                       J.T.
Yeah.
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Could you sweethearts shut the
fuck up? I'm trying to talk to my
cousin. Here's what I don't
understand, Drew: Why don't you
just kick this Jeff kid's ass?
                                                            
                       DREW
Because heís our R.A. He said heíd
kick us all out of here if we
messed up again.
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Yeah, so what? The way I see it,
you guys are going to mess up
again, anyways. Youíre alcoholic
drug-addict jackasses.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
He's got a point, man.
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
So, you may as well just go out in
spectacular fashion by pounding
this kid's face in.
                                                            

71.

                       DREW
Brendan, I can't just solve all my
problems by beating the shit out
of them. We don't all live at the
gym and pop steroids like Mentos.
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Steroids, my ass. This is all
natural, bitch.
                                                            
                       DREW
Bullshit. Have you looked at
yourself in the mirror lately? You
practically need a bra for those
man-tits you got going on up
there.
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Yeah, whatever. I haven't used a
steroid in my life. I just work
out every day and follow the
"Peter North diet."
                                                            
                       SCOTT
What's the "Peter North diet?"
                                                            
                       J.T.
It's this diet our roommate from
sophomore year, Teddy, came up
with. It was pretty smart, really.
                                                            
                       DREW
What was it?
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Okay, you know how fat girls will
sometimes put a picture of an even
fatter girl on their fridge as a
reminder not to eat too much?
                                                            
                       DREW
      (laughing)
Yeah.
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Well, this guy put a picture of
Peter North fucking this amazing
girl on his fridge, so whenever he
went to get some food he'd see
Peter North looking all cut
nailing this hot girl and he'd
stop himself.
                                                            
                       J.T.
He lost like 30 pounds that year.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Genius. He ate less and worked his
hands out way more.
                                                            
                       J.T.
Yeah, but he still didn't get any
pussy.
                                                            

72.

                       BRENDAN
Anyways, we kept that picture up
there even after he left school.
It really works. Every time I go
to the fridge and see that picture
I just end up getting a bottle of
water or a piece of fruit or
something.
                                                            
                       DREW
Yeah, well, I still say you're on
steroids. Eating apples doesn't
give you jugs like that.
                                                            
Brendan gets up and tackles Drew. He pins him to the ground
and starts punching him.
                                                            
                       DREW
      (laughing)
Get your boobs out of my face,
Mark McGwire!
                                                            
                       J.T.
Huh, never thought I'd hear
somebody say that.
                                                            
CUT TO: INT. ELEMENT'S NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT
                                                            
Beekman and Emma are standing by the bar.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Man, there's a lot of people in
here tonight.
                                                            
                       EMMA
What?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
      (raising his voice)
I said there's a lot of people in
here tonight!
                                                            
                       EMMA
What?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Nevermind.
                                                            
                       EMMA
You wanna dance?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
No, thanks. You go ahead.
                                                            
                       EMMA
Okay!
                                                            
Emma walks away and starts dancing as Tommy walks up.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
What's up, man? Why aren't you
dancing with her?
                                                            

73.

                       BEEKMAN
Fuck that. I can't dance. If I
dance I'll look like an idiot and
there's no way I'll get with her.
My plan is to just keep buying her
drinks and let her get all sweaty
and horny on the dance floor while
I stand here and look cool.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
You got your fly open up there,
stretch.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
What? I do? No, I don't...
                                                            
                       TOMMY
      (laughing)
I'm just trying to get you to
relax, man. Don't worry about
this. You'd have to do something
real stupid to blow this one.
Emma's a layup.
                                                            
                       HENRY
What's up, bros?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Henry? What are you doing here?
                                                            
                       HENRY
I come for the pussy. I
stay...also for the pussy.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
      (laughing)
That's awesome, man. I brought my
girlfriend out here. She said she
was tired of house parties,
whatever that means.
                                                            
                       HENRY
That's cool, how'd you guys get in
here?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
It was crazy, dude.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Yeah, it was pretty funny. I tried
to bribe the guy but he was a real
ball buster and he basically told
me to go fuck myself. So, I told
him that if he let us in, Katie
would show him her boobs.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Which he obviously agreed to.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Yeah, but Katie wouldn't do it. In
fact, she kneed me in the balls
for even asking.
                                                            

74.

                       HENRY
So, how'd you get in?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
You see that girl over there on
the dance floor? She went to my
old high school with Katie and she
is...somewhat promiscuous. She not
only showed the bouncer her tits,
she let him feel her up!
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
      (proudly)
She's my date!
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Yeah, so after that the guy let us
in. It was cool, except I'm pretty
sure Katie is going to shut me out
tonight. We're having a party back
at the apartment later, you should
come by after you blow out of
here.
                                                            
                       HENRY
Cool! I'll see you guys there.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
How'd you get in here, anyways?
                                                            
                       HENRY
I gave the bouncer five bucks. I'm
gonna go find a nice girl to dance
with. Catch you later, bros!
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Yeah, seeya.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
That Korean son of a---
                                                            
                       EMMA
Get your hands off me, asshole!
                                                            
                       BURLY GUY
Come on baby, I just want to
dance.
                                                            
                       EMMA
Stop it, okay? Donít make me get
my boyfriend on you. Cause heíll
kick your ass.
                                                            
                       BURLY GUY
      (laughing)
Oh, is that right? Iíd like to see
him try. Where's he at?
                                                            
                       EMMA
Him! That guy. Right over there!
                                                            
Emma points to Beekman.
                                                            

75.

                       BEEKMAN
Oh, fuck.
                                                            
                       BURLY GUY
Hey, you! I want to have a word
with you.
                                                            
CUT TO: INT. APARTMENT 324 - NIGHT
                                                            
Drew, Scott, Brendan, and J.T. are sitting in the living
room with two cases of beer and shot glasses in front of
them.
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Alright, fuckers. This is a power
hour. You take one shot of beer
every minute for an hour. I know
it doesn't sound that hard, but
tell me how you feel 40 minutes
from now.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
See, Drew. This is the kind of
thing we should be doing.
                                                            
Dan walks in with a girl.
                                                            
                       DAN
What's up, fellas? This is Amanda.
Amanda, that's my roommate Drew
right there. And those are some
other guys.
                                                            
                       AMANDA
Hi, guys.
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
What's up, baby?
                                                            
                       DAN
Back off, man. We'll be in my room
if you need us.
                                                            
                       DREW
Alright, buddy. There will be a
bunch of people coming by later
and we're getting a couple kegs,
so you guys should join in the
festivities.
                                                            
                       DAN
Sounds good, just try not to do
anything too big. You know we
already got two strikes on us.
                                                            
                       DREW
Don't worry about it, man. Just a
few friends hanging out. Nothing
major. Real low key. Jeff won't
even know we're here.
                                                            
CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT 324 BALCONY - NIGHT


76.

Brendan, J.T., and two girls are out on the balcony laughing
drunkenly as Brendan throws a keg off the balcony. Drew and
Adam are watching from inside.
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
      (yelling)
Look at that fucker roll!
                                                            
                       J.T.
Thatís gotta be a new record, man!
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Holy shit! J.T., look at the
ground where it landed! I dented
it! I fuckin' dented it! Look at
that fuckiní crater!
                                                            
                       DREW
Dude, what did I tell you? You are
going to get us thrown out of
here!
                                                            
                       ADAM
Werenít you guys supposed to
return that thing so you could get
your deposit back?
                                                            
                       DREW
Were we? I dunno... no?
                                                            
                       ADAM
I'm pretty sure you were.
                                                            
                       DREW
Brendan, go get that keg man.
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Fuck off.
                                                            
Brendan shoves Drew to the ground as he walks inside.
                                                            
                       DREW
      (to Adam)
Look what you did, asshole!
                                                            
Drew kicks Adam in the shins knocking him to the ground.
                                                            
                       ADAM
What the fuck, man!
                                                            
                       DREW
Yeah, well now we're even.
                                                            
                       ADAM
      (in pain)
Even? What are you talking about?
What did I do? I just came up here
to ask you when Tommy would be
back and I ended up getting kicked
in the shins!
                                                            
                       DREW
Well, I don't know when Tommy will
be back. What do you care?
                                                            

77.

                       ADAM
He borrowed my car. He said his
truck only sits two and he and
Katie were going out with Beekman
and some girl.
                                                            
                       DREW
They all went out to some club.
They'll be back soon.
                                                            
                       ADAM
Alright, cool. I just hope they
don't fuck up my car.
                                                            
CUT TO: EXT. OUTSIDE ELEMENT'S NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT
                                                            
Tommy, Beekman, Katie, and Emma are walking back to their
car. Katie and Emma are stumbling along ahead of them.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Fuck!
                                                            
                       TOMMY
What's wrong?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
I just stepped in puke.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Don't worry about it, man. We're
riding in Adam's car, anyways.
We'll just tell him it's puke
leftover from when Scott threw up
in his backseat last weekend when
we were at the Wendy's drive thru.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
      (laughing)
Sounds good.
                                                            
                       EMMA
      (to Beekman)
You are my hero!
                                                            
She kisses him on the cheek and runs off.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
So, you gotta tell me, man. How
the hell did you pull that off in
there? That guy was huge! I didnít
think you had a prayer. How could
you possibly win a fight with that
kid? Quick kick to the nuts?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
There was no fight, dude. That guy
wouldíve killed me.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
What do you mean there was no
fight?
                                                            

78.

                       BEEKMAN
Well, see, I knew he was gonna
kick my ass, but I also figured if
I looked like a big man in front
of Emma Iíd get some butt tonight,
so I...
                                                            
CUT TO: INT. ELEMENT'S NIGHT CLUB - EARLIER THAT NIGHT

Beekman and the Burly Guy are talking in private.
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Look, dude, I donít want to fight
you. Just leave that girl alone
and Iíll make it worth your while.
                                                            
                       BURLY GUY
Oh yeah? And how the hell are you
going to do that, ďdudeĒ?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
      (looking through
       his wallet)
I can give you... 23 dollars.
                                                            
                       BURLY GUY
What, are you serious? Fine. Sheís
all yours, man.
                                                            
Beekman hands the guy the money and walks away.
                                                            
CUT TO: EXT. OUTSIDE ELEMENT'S NIGHT CLUB - PRESENT TIME
                                                            
Tommy and Beekman are talking as they walk to the car.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
And that was it?
                                                            
                       BEEKMAN
Yeah, pretty much.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Wow. I need to work on my bribing.
                                                            
                       EMMA
You are my hero, Jevon Beekman! I
love you!
                                                            
Emma throws up in the alley.
                                                            
CUT TO: INT. APARTMENT 324 - NIGHT

Brendan spots a pretty girl in the corner of the apartment
by herself and approaches her.
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
What's up, baby? I'm Brendan.
                                                            
                       COURTNEY
Hi, I'm Courtney!
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
It's nice to meet you, Courtney.
Do you live in this building?
                                                            

79.

                       COURTNEY
Nah, I live over in the freshman
dorms.
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Really? How'd you hear about this
party?
                                                            
                       COURTNEY
Jevon Beekman invited me. We have
geology together.
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Beekman, huh? Well, I'm really
glad he has geology with you.
                                                            
                       COURTNEY
      (smiling)
Why's that?
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Because I got to meet you. I think
you are the most beautiful girl at
this whole party.
                                                            
                       COURTNEY
Awww, thanks. That's so sweet!
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
I'm just being honest. So, are you
here alone?
                                                            
                       COURTNEY
Nah, my roommate Becky came with
me. But she's passed out on the
floor.
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Really?
                                                            
                       COURTNEY
      (laughing)
Yeah, she's been out for hours!
Sheís such a lightweight!
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
      (under his breath)
This is too good to be true.
                                                            
                       COURTNEY
What?
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Nothing, nevermind. So, do you---
                                                            
                       COURTNEY
      (interrupts him)
God, I am soooo wasted!
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
You're what?
                                                            

80.

                       COURTNEY
      (yelling)
I'm wasted! Whooo!
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Baby, I still canít hear you. Itís
too loud in here. Letís go
somewhere a little quieter.
                                                            
                       COURTNEY
Yeah, okay, letís go.
                                                            
Courtney falls to the ground.
                                                            
                       COURTNEY
      (laughing)
Oh, my God! I am so drunk!
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
I got you. Come on, baby, I got
you.
                                                            
Brendan leads Courtney to Dan's room where Dan is sitting on
his bed talking to Amanda.
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Yo, get outta here Dave. I need
this space.
                                                            
                       DAN
What? Come on, Brendan, this is my
room, man. And I got Amanda in
here! Leave us alone.
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Take her into the hallway, faggot.
I need this room!
                                                            
                       DAN
Don't be a dick, Brendan! Just use
Drew's room, man.
                                                            
                       BRENDAN
Just beat it, loser. I need your
bed more than you do right now.
Trust me.
                                                            
                       DAN
      (under his breath)
Come on, man. I think this chick
is gonna fuck me.
                                                            
                       AMANDA
You what? Go fuck yourself,
asshole! Iím leaving!
                                                            
                       DAN
Fuck! Amanda, come back here,
please! Donít go! Fuck! Thanks a
lot, Brendan.
                                                            
Brendan closes the door laughing as Amanda leaves. Dan walks
over to the balcony where Drew, Tommy, and Adam are talking.
                                                            

81.

                       TOMMY
All Iím saying is that if you knew
how to close you'd be lying under
Stacey right now instead of
debating what girl you're gonna
tug it to tonight.
                                                            
                       DREW
Fuck you, man. I know how to
close. She just lives too close
for a one night stand and I donít
want a girlfriend. I donít want to
be a whipped bitch like you.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Shut the fuck up. You know you
want all that and more with
Stacey.
                                                            
                       DREW
Whatever. It don't matter. She
couldnít handle all this anyway.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Oh, really? Too much manhood down
there?
                                                            
                       ADAM
Bullshit, pencildick.
                                                            
                       DREW
Actually, Iíll be honest with you
boys. My dick is just like, an
average size. But my balls, my
balls are fucking huge. Seriously,
ask any girl Iíve been with. They
are massive. Itís like two cue
balls down there. Two sweaty cue
balls.
                                                            
                       ADAM
Somebody get Tommy's mom on the
phone to confirm this.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Fuck you.
                                                            
                       DREW
Hey, don't talk about Tina like
that.
                                &nb