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I Hate That Guy
by Brandon and Gerald Young (gyoung1977@gmail.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ****
It's that guy you love to hate getting what he deserves.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


A beagle is walking along the beach. It begins to relieve
on a beach. The weather is clear and sunny. A lot of
children are playing near the water. TAMMY JONES is building
a sand castle. Douglas walks over to her.
                       FIVE-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
Whatcha doin'?
Building a sand castle. It's
going to be the biggest castle
ever and only princesses can play
in it; no peasants like you.
Douglas becomes angry. He aggressively kicks and destroys
the castle.
                       FIVE-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
You mean you WAS building a sand
The little girl starts crying. Douglas stands triumphantly,
towering over the fallen sand castle, flexing his biceps,
laughing at his mischief. He looks down and notices that
he's stepped in dog poop.
                       FIVE-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
Ah, come on!
with another child, BILLY. Other children are playing on
the swings, see-saws, etc... Douglas is being chased and is
close to getting tagged. Billy catches up and tags him.
They both stop to catch their breath.
Tag, you're it.
                       TEN-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
You're it! You didn't tag me,


Yes, I did, Douglas McMonohan.
I'll do it again, too.
Billy reaches over and tags Douglas on his arm.
Tag, you're it again.
                       TEN-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
You didn't tag me; I had my
inpenetrable force-field on. When
I have it on you can't tag me. I
have it on all the time, so I'll
never be it.
I don't want to play with you
anymore. You don't play fair.
                       TEN-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
You can buy my force-field off me
if you want.
I don't care how much your brother
paid me. I don't need baseball
cards this much.
Billy runs from Douglas, leaving him by himself.
                       TEN-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
Fine! I don't want to play with
you anyway. If you can't play by
the rules, then don't play at all.
That's what I always say.
Douglas scratches his head and looks around, confused as to
why he's alone.
                       TEN-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
Travis paid him?
Douglas shrugs it off and sees a tether ball attached to its
pole. He wraps the tether ball in a headlock and begins
punching it. He stops, nostrils flair as he realizes that
he's stepped in dog excrement.
                       TEN-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
Come on!


basement with his older brother, TWENTY-YEAR-OLD VERSION OF
TRAVIS MCMONOHAN. Douglas is wearing a shirt that reads
"Born to Eat" on it. They are both sitting on beanbag
chairs playing a video game while Travis is smoking a cigar.
The chairs are pretty old and have duct tape masking where
holes have been made. Douglas takes the cigar from his
brother's mouth, puts it to his lips and inhales. He begins
coughing all over the place and hands the cigar back to his
You're not supposed to inhale a
cigar, schmuck-face. Besides, I
told you smoking was bad for you.
Travis takes one last puff of the cigar and puts it out on
his bean bag chair. They resume playing the video game.
                       FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
You know what, Travis? One day
I'm gonna take over Vegas. Just
like Al Capone.
Travis responds to Douglas while rapidly hitting buttons on
his controller.
                       TWENTY-YEAR-OLD TRAVIS
First of all, it was Bugsy Siegel,
you moron. Secondly, how do you
figure this is going to happen?
                       FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
Bugsy Siegel, Bugs Bunny, who
cares? I'm gonna win so much money
that I'll have notary. After
that, I can do whatever I want
around this city of sin.
                       TWENTY-YEAR-OLD TRAVIS
Oh, wow! Watch out! Baby
brother's gonna have someone that
follows him around watching him
sign legal documents.
                       FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
Huh? That doesn't even make any
sense. You're a moron. That's
right, y-o-u-r a m-o-r-a-n.


Travis pauses the game and directs his attention to his
                       TWENTY-YEAR-OLD TRAVIS
Your stupidity is blinding,
schmuck-head. Besides, after I
nail my audition next week, I'm
going to be the one that has
NOTORIETY. I believe that's what
you were going for.
                       FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
That's right, my brother is gonna
be an actress. That's so sweet.
I'll be hanging out with you all
the time, though. Making out with
your hot actress friends will be
my forty.
Travis shakes his head.
                       TWENTY-YEAR-OLD TRAVIS
Forte! And, we'll see, little bro,
we'll see. You just try to make
that pipe dream of being the
richest man in Vegas come true.
                       FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
By the time I'm thirty-three, I'll
be the wealthiest gambler in
Vegas. You just wait.
Travis un-pauses the game. They both hit the buttons
rapidly seeing who can hit "up, up, down, down, left, right,
left, right, start" first. Travis wins. Douglas hangs his
head in defeat while Travis has a big grin on his face.
                       TWENTY-YEAR-OLD TRAVIS
You'll never beat me at anything,
baby brother. By the way, you've
got something on your shoe.
Douglas looks down and notices he has a brown substance
under his shoe.
                       FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD DOUGLAS
A large SECURITY GUARD is shown dragging DOUGLAS out of a
casino. Douglas is unkempt, wearing the same "Born to Eat"


shirt as he had in his youth, looking as if he's stayed up
for a week straight playing poker. He is thirty-three years
old, overweight, slightly balding, and has a five o'clock
shadow like no other. The burly security guard tosses
Douglas out onto the street.
                       SECURITY GUARD
And stay out, ya schmuck!
You stay out! I don't want to
play here anymore anyway. All the
players here are cheaters. If you
can't play by the rules, then
don't play at all. That's what I
always say.
As Douglas straightens his clothes out from being ruffled up
a card falls onto the ground from his sleeve. It is an Ace
of Spades. The guard looks at the card and smiles. Douglas
smiles back.
      (says with a smirk)
Hmm, I must have accidentally
washed a deck of cards with my
Douglas starts walking away. He sees an ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
talking to an attractive, muscular man (MAN OUTSIDE CASINO).
He sidles up to the woman and interupts their conversation.
I seem to have lost my girlfriend.
Could I have yours?
The man shoves Douglas, nearly knocking him to the ground.
                       MAN OUTSIDE CASINO
When is the last time that line
worked? Never?
It worked on your mom last night.
                       MAN OUTSIDE CASINO
Whoa, cutting edge mom jokes. One
that doesn't even make sense at
that. Keep working at it and you
might graduate to knock-knocks.
I'll be sure to tell my mother you
said hi, chump.


Douglas turns around to walk away.
      (under his breath)
Lay off the steroids there, Barry
The man hears Douglas say something. He gets frustrated and
angrily confronts Douglas.
                       MAN OUTSIDE CASINO
What did you say?
Douglas pseudo-confidently steps to the man and attempts to
look at him eye-to-eye.
I said I hope you have a good time
tonight with your girlfriend and
I'm sorry for any inconvenience
that I may have caused.
Douglas dusts off the man's collar.
                       MAN OUTSIDE CASINO
That's what I thought you said.
The man and his girlfriend turn around and head down the
strip. Douglas brushes himself off and continues on his
way. He turns his head and admires a gorgeous, scantily clad
female. Upon doing so, he trips over a HOMELESS MAN sleeping
on the street, nearly falling.
                       HOMELESS MAN
I'm sorry, young man. Oh, do you
have any spare change to help an
old man out in his time of need?
First you trip me and then you ask
for change? Sorry, bub, I got
nothin' for you.
Douglas pulls out his pockets showing they are empty.
                       HOMELESS MAN
That's okay, young man. God bless
Douglas continues on his way for a second and sees something
shiny on the ground. It's a quarter. Douglas goes over and
picks it up. He turns back to the homeless man.


Hey, homeless dude, I just found a
The homeless man has a big smile on his face and attempts to
lift his hand out to accept it. Douglas flips the quarter,
catches it and continues on his way. The homeless man has a
look of disappointment in his eyes as his hand falls back to
the ground.
Dumb bum.
sitting at a booth enjoying coffee while waiting for their
breakfasts. They are all dressed rather nicely,
clean-shaven, and in their mid-twenties.
Steven and Rex, it's time he goes.
He's been here three months
already and his time has expired
like the sour milk carton he put
back in the fridge. He checked the
date and put it back; I saw him. I
freaking hate the guy! He never
pays his bills. And to top it off,
the schmuck-job never showers.
That's not entirely true, Ty. I
know he showers. You can tell by
the hair remnants that he leaves
I know, that's gross! You have to
do that thing where you aim the
nozzle at them to get them down
the drain.
Hmm, I guess that's one way to go
about it.
The guys give Rex a disgusting glare.


Look, whatever happens, we have to
be civil about it. I still think
behind that man lies a true
gentleman, a scholar. Sure, on
the outside he resembles Humphrey
Bogart in "The Bad Sister," but I
bet with just a little cleaning
up, he could end up like Bogey in
"Key Largo."
The men look at each other in silence. Rex breaks the
silence by laughing rather heartily. The others follow suit
with chuckles and snickers of their own.
Good one, T-Rex. I'm glad you
didn't go with "The Amazing Dr.
Clitterhouse" Bogey.
The gentlemen regain their composure and speak seriously
once again.
All I am saying is that there is
no reason for us to stoop to his
low level. And, don't knock
"Clitterhouse," bro. Edward G. was
the man.
I don't recall Bogart or Robinson
being in the version that I saw,
but that's beside the point. Why
should anyone be nice to that
Humanity, brother. Sure, the guy
is the biggest jerk in the world,
but there's no reason for us to be
the same.
Douglas walks into the diner. He is disheveled. He eyes his
roommates who are at the end booth near the back corner. He
walks over to join them. Rex scoots into the booth as
Douglas makes room for himself next to him. Douglas sits
awfully close to Rex even though there is plenty of room for
the both of them to have their own space.
What's up, roomies?


What happened to you? Another long
night with the cards?
Just pour me some friggin' coffee.
Steven pours Douglas a cup. Douglas quickly guzzles it
down. His roommates look at him as if he were the weirdest
man on earth.
Doug, we have something that we
need to tell you. It's hard for
us to say this, but...We don't
want you living with us anymore.
What are you guys talking about?
This has been the best three
months ever.
For you it has. You have been
practically living for free.
If it's about the money, I can get
it to you by the end of the week.
It's always the end of the week
with you.
It's always that time of month
with you. Come on, you guys know
I'm good for it.
Douglas, we just met you three
months ago. We really don't know
anything about you. The only
thing we know is that we don't
want to live with you anymore.
So move out then.
You have till the end of the week.


It shouldn't take him that long,
all he has is that outfit and a
Douglas gives Steven a dirty look.
What? It was a joke. You have
two towels. Oh, and I forgot, you
also have like three Halloween's
worth of candy. What kids are
stealing this from?
And there goes civility.
Don't worry. I'll be gone by
tomorrow afternoon.
Douglas gets up and storms his way towards the door.
Douglas, wait!
      (turns around with
       a glimmer of hope
       in his eyes)
You didn't pay for your coffee.
Douglas turns his head in anger and tries pulling the door
open, but struggles. He soon realizes that he has to push
the door to exit. He aggressively kicks the door open. The
guys look at him and shake their heads at his ignorance.
Douglas forcefully opens the door to his apartment to gather
his belongings. To his surprise, all of his belongings are
already in a garbage bag sitting on the couch.
Well, ain't that something?
Douglas picks up the garbage bag, throws it over his
shoulder and heads over to a phone sitting on a tablestand
next to the couch. He picks up the phone and dials a


number. There is a brief pause when Douglas starts talking
on the phone.
Hey, Kiera, it's me. I was just
wondering if I could stay at your
place tonight?
There is another brief pause as Douglas adjusts his garbage
bag that has begun falling off his shoulder.
A tupperware party? Alright,
then. I guess I'll talk to you
later. I lov...
Before he finishes the sentence the phone on the other end
hangs up on him.
Hello? Kiera? I love you, Kiera.
Is this some kind of game you're
playing on me. No, I love you
Douglas pulls the phone away from his face and hangs it up.
It must have gotten disconnected
or something.
Douglas makes his way back toward the door and takes one
last look at the place he had been residing in for the past
three months. He opens the door and turns toward the exit.
He goes back inside, leaving the door open. He sets his
garbage bag on the ground and heads back toward the couch.
He is about to unzip his pants...
This will learn them right.
Steven, Tyson and Rex walk into the apartment.
Douglas, what are you doing?
Douglas is caught off guard. He still has his hands on his
pants. He directs his attention to the three.
I was just checking to see if I
had any of my rent money in there.


Douglas zips his pants back up, grabs his garbage bag full
of stuff and walks out the door patting each of them on the
butt on his way out.
Good game, fellas.
The men don't know what to do and just stand in awe of what
had just occurred.
Present-Day TRAVIS is sitting in his living room chair. He
is physically the opposite of Douglas; muscular, with a full
head of hair and very clean-cut. His chair is in the middle
of the living room about fifteen feet away from his door.
There is a knock on the door.
Come on in!
The door opens as Douglas walks in with a garbage bag draped
over his shoulder. Travis remains seated in his chair as
Douglas takes a seat on the couch that is near Travis'
chair. Douglas throws his garbage bag on the floor. He
looks extremely downtrodden.
Hey, brother, how's it going?
What do you want Douglas?
What are you talking about? Can't
your little bro just come over
once in a while just to say hello?
Every time you come over you want
something. Last time you came
over you needed to borrow $50. You
said your girlfriend needed
liposuction. How did that $50
lipo turn out for her?
Did I say girlfriend? I meant I
needed it. Can't you tell I'm
down a few lbs?


So anyway, can I...
Come on, my stud of a brother. You
didn't even let me finish the
You can butter me up like toast
all day, but the answer to
whatever you're going to ask is
Come on, superstar. I need a
place to crash. You're my last
resort. I'd go over to Kiera's,
but she says she's having one of
those Tupperware parties.
Tupperware party? Douglas, don't
you know that usually means she's
cheating on you.
Whatever, man. You don't know her
like I do. She'd never cheat on
Relax. I'm just giving you a hard
time. I'm sure she's a good girl.
Of course, she is. She's dating
me, right? It's been the best two
weeks ever.
Has it already been that long?
That reminds me to do something.


What's that?
Huh? Oh, nothing.
Well, can I stay here tonight or
No. I have a big commercial to
film tomorrow and I need my rest.
I don't need my little brother
playing video games in his
underwear all night keeping me up.
Fine. I'll just go play video
games on the street then.
Douglas storms out of Travis' place leaving his garbage bag
behind. Travis goes to pick it up and catch Douglas in the
hallway, but he looks inside the garbage bag and sees what
he believes is junk, but is actually Douglas' belongings. He
throws the bag into the hallway.
Douglas is walking down the Las Vegas strip contemplating
what to do. He is muttering things to himself, looking like
a crazy man.
      (to himself)
No! Nope! No way! There's no way
I'm going all "Midnight Cowboy."
A cross-dressing male overhears and smiles affectionately at
      (acting as if he's
       going to backhand
       the man)
Get outta here, fruit roll-up!
Douglas continues mumbling to himself as onlookers look on.
After a few more feet, Douglas has an epiphany.


That's it! I'll just go over to
Kiera's and pretend like I'm
buying Tupperware.
Douglas attempts to jump in the air and kick his heels
together, but he trips in his attempt and looks even more
ridiculous to the passerbys.
We are in Douglas' girlfriend, KIERA CLAPTON'S, living room.
We hear a knock on the door. No one is in the living room
to answer it. Once again, there is a knock on the door. The
door slowly opens as Douglas walks in. He looks around the
room, but no one is there. He begins walking in pain
through the living room, looking for his girlfriend to take
away his hurt.
Honey, you home? Cute, little,
Douglas makes his way over to the hallway.
      (to himself)
Looks like the party is over.
Douglas is walking down the hallway on his tippy toes hoping
to scare Kiera when he sees her. He has a grin on his face
in anticipation of getting her good.
Kiera is sitting at her dining room table kissing her date,
who happens to be another woman. Douglas' grin-filled face
turns to one of shock. Kiera and the woman hear something,
stop kissing, and turn to see him standing there perplexed.
They both have sheer looks of surprise on their faces.
What?!?! What is this?!?! How
He regains the grin he had earlier, only now it's twice as


Wait, wait a minute. I get it.
You got me a two week anniversary
gift. Punkin', thank you! I love
you so much. I feel bad, though.
I didn't get you anything.
The other woman quickly grabs her handbag, heads to the
door, reaches it, blows a kiss to Kiera, and exits. Kiera
continues to look at Douglas bemused and a little
What? Where is she going? The
party just got here. She must
have left something in her car.
Come here, sunshine. Let me give
you some loving until she comes
Douglas moves in to kiss Kiera. She turns away, pushes him
off of her, and stands up. Douglas finally realizes this
was not what he had hoped for and he deflates into a sullen,
yet angst-filled mood.
Douglas, I. Well, I...I don't
know how to tell you this.
What? Did you forget how to talk?
Here's the process. Open
pie-hole and then vocabulize. Or,
maybe you can't talk because you
have too much of Little Miss
Suzanna Home-wrecker's saliva in
your mouth still.
Name calling? Classy. Not that
you have any class to begin with.
I guess I'll have no problem
VOCALIZING this to you, you
brain-dead waste of
deoxyribonucleic acid. Wait, that
will be over your head. Let me
dumb it down for you.
Douglas legitimately looks as if he has no clue what she's


You and I were nothing. You were
just another acting gig for me.
What? Why do you say that? I
thought we loved each other. I
loved you.
Wow, you are so dense! I was only
acting. Oh, and believe me, I was
like Bette Davis in "Of Human
Bondage," only I deserved the
Academy Award for Best Actress for
having to put up with your
disgusting self.
How can you be so hurtful? We
loved each other. I love you and
you said that you love me. We
meant everything to one another.
Wow! Two weeks! We knew each
other for two weeks! Your brother
told me how pathetic you were, but
I never thought anyone could be
this bad.
What? What does Travis have to do
with any of this? You don't even
know him, let alone have ever
talked to him. Well, then again,
you are an overused garden
USTENCIL so maybe you're sleeping
with him too.
You silly, silly little man-child.
You thought you could get a woman
of my caliber on your own?
Well of course. I mean, look at
me. I knew once you sat next to
me at that 3/6 limit table that
you were all mine, especially when
we started talking about how Ozzie
Guillen is the greatest manager in
Major League Baseball. You even
knew that he won the Rookie of the


                       DOUGLAS (cont'd)
Year in 1985.
How do you think I knew that? I
don't even like baseball. The
only player I have even heard of
is Mark Bonds. I wasn't even born
until 1986. Also, of the little I
know about poker, 3/6 limit games
are that only donkeys play it
because nobody ever folds.
What are you deferring?
I'm INFERRING that you're a loser
and your brother paid me to act
like I was your girlfriend.
An already deflated Douglas becomes almost out of air in
Travis paid for you to be my
Wow, dumb and deaf. Get your eyes
checked because blind is next.
Yes! Travis paid me to act like
your girlfriend. It's the worst
job I've ever had. And that's
saying something, because I've
acted in an M. Night Shyamalan
Douglas begins to tear up and heads towards the living room.
Kiera realizes how bad that she's hurt him and follows.
Douglas makes it to the door as Kiera finally catches up to
Douglas, wait. I didn't mean
Douglas opens the door.


Save it, Kiera! You will never
fully know how much I love you.
It's nice to know that I was only
a crowned King in your game of
life. Both you and my brother can
go to H-DOUBLE E-L sticks.
Douglas walks out of Kiera's apartment and VIOLENTLY slams
the door behind him.
A quick and dirty 15 second sequence of Douglas slamming
shots of an obviously cheap whiskey. Each shot is a quick
take with a "swoosh" sound that is fortissimo. With each
shot he has a different facial expression showing how he
gets progressively angrier and sadder.
An extremely drunk, and way beyond down on his luck, Douglas
knocks on a door. He has the rhythm of a 10 year old first
learning how to play the drums, while trying to balance
himself. Tears are running down his saddened, angered, and
filled face. The door next across the hall opens and we see
Travis with an angry, but sympathetic look on his face. He
goes to Douglas' aid.
      (puts one of
       Douglas' arms
       over his shoulder
       and helps him to
       inside his
Come on, brother. Let's get you
in here. You're better than this.
Douglas drags his feet while Travis drags him inside.
Travis dumps Douglas on the couch. He then heads to the
kitchen and grabs an already made pot of coffee and pours it
into a mug. He then heads to Douglas and gives it to him.
Douglas is slouched on the couch and aimlessly reaches to
grab it. He fails. Travis places the mug down on the
fittingly named coffee table. He forces Douglas to sit up
and then carefully places the mug into Douglas' shaking


hands. A little spills on the carpet. Travis is
momentarily agitated, but refocuses his attention to his
      (slurs while
       throwing his free
       hand about)
You're the pawned crown in my life
of checkers.
What's that now?
       audible due to
       drunking mumbling)
I found out about Kiera paying me
off to date you.
      (abashed while
I...I...I've been meaning to tell
you about that. I just wanted you
to be happy. You're as low as
anyone that I've ever seen, let
alone a family member that I love.
I was just trying to...
Douglas lifts his head up to the ceiling looking for an out
to this madness. His glazed eyes fall back deep into their
sockets. He then intercepts Travis from having the floor.
      (barely coherent)
Love!?!? Love?!?! You don't know
what love was...is. I want...I
know...I know...I wanted to know
what love is...was. Kiera was
going to Foreigner me, but only
cuz I finds out that my own
brother paid her to Bishop my
crowned Queen.
Baby brother. From my heart, I
can truthfully say that I am
sorry. Whether you can see it or
not, I was trying to help you out.
I have always looked out for you.
You've been way down and I was


                       TRAVIS (cont'd)
only try to put a revitalized
spring in your step.
I'll show you REVITAMINIZE.
Douglass lifts up his fists in an early 20th century "put up
your dukes" fighting position to his brother while
simultaneously spilling his coffee on Travvis' nice carpet.
Douglas falls forward, passing out on the couch.
      (visibly upset,
       but then regains
       his composure)
This is pointless. Sleep it off.
Travis grabs a pillow from his couch and tosses it on an
already passed out and drooling Douglas.
A somewhat cleaned-up, yet still beleaguered Douglas and a
robe-wearing Travis are sitting around the table eating a
hearty breakfast of eggs, bacon, cereal, coffee, orange
juice and water. They are each reading part of a newspaper.
Douglas starts guzzling his water.
Whoa! Slow down, Dougie Doug!
You're drinking water like, well,
well like it's water.
Douglas shoots Travis a dirty glance.
All part of the job. Speaking of
jobs and terrible segues, you've
been here for a week, when do you
plan on getting one?
Douglas takes an enormous bite of his eggs before he speaks.
I have a job.
Losing money gambling is actually
the exact opposite of a job. You
see, a job is something you do
where money aggrandizes the more


                       TRAVIS (cont'd)
you do it.
Douglas sets his fork down as he begins his retaliation on
Get off my back. I've fallen on
hard times in case you haven't
noticed. Besides, can't you score
me a sweet job on the set
As much as we need another key-
grip on our shoots, I think you
are better suited for a regular
Aren't you all at least looking
for an extra?
The competition is pretty tough,
brutha. I'm sure you'll be able
to find something else more
adequate for you.
Gee, thanks. It's nice to know
that you don't even have enough
faith in me to just stand around
and do nothing. I especially like
how you tried to make it hurt less
by saying "brutha" like Desmond
from "Lost."
Travis thinks to himself momentarily.
Go ahead and think what you want,
BROTHER! I'm only trying to help
you, dude.
Switching from saying "brother"
like Desmond to Hulk Hogan still
makes you seem like a jerk. But,
no, I REALLY do appreciate it.


Hey, you're the one that needs
help right now. I'm really close
to kicking you out. I tell you
what. I know a guy who owns a
deli. If there's one thing you
can do, it's make a sandwich.
Hey, hey! If there's one thing I
am, it's a sandwich making
professional. You have to admit
that I'm the master of the
McMonahan Monster.
Tis' true, little bro. Tis' very
      (begins singing)
Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Sammich.
Duke. Duke, Duke of Sammich.
Duke, Duke, Duke of Sammich.
It absolutely astounds me how
close you get to correctly quoting
things, yet still mess them up.
Whatever, man. forget me! ,,, I
mean "you." Whatever! I'm just
tired. You try looking this sexy
all of the time.
Douglas grabs a handful of butter and begins lathering up
his belly with it, while singing, "I'm Too Sexy."
That is single-handedly the
absolute most disgusting thing I
have ever seen.
Douglas disregards Travis' comment and continues lathering
himself with butter.
Douglas is working by himself making sandwiches. There are a
few scattered customers already eating. There is a guy


(SANDWICH SHOP CUSTOMER) ordering his sandwich. Douglas is
preparing a really cheap sandwich and taking his sweet time.
He is not wearing gloves. The customer grows impatient.
Douglas sloppily throws the lettuce on the meat. The
customer puts his hands on the counter and raises up above
the shielding.
                       SANDWICH SHOP CUSTOMER
What part of "No lettuce" didn't
you understand?
As soon as you said the N in "No"
is about where I tuned you out.
                       SANDWICH SHOP CUSTOMER
Start making me another sandwich.
Easy bud. I'll just take the green
stuff off.
                       SANDWICH SHOP CUSTOMER
I am allergic to the GREEN STUFF.
Well, aren't we just a carnivore
amongst carnivores? Shall I take
off the bread too?
Douglas starts taking off the lettuce from the original
                       SANDWICH SHOP CUSTOMER
I said I wanted a brand new
This is a brand new sandwich. The
old sandwich had lettuce, this new
sandwich doesn't.
                       SANDWICH SHOP CUSTOMER
Get your manager!
Now you're giving me orders? You
get him yourself. I quit!
Douglas takes off his apron and throws it at the customer,
hitting him in the face. He walks out from behind the
sandwich station.


                       SANDWICH SHOP CUSTOMER
Where the heck are you going?
Where's my sandwich?
Make it your DARN self!
The customer does as he is instructed and walks behind the
counter and starts making a sandwich. Of course it is not a
cheap sandwich. He reaches in for the steak and chicken. He
then takes the lettuce tray and throws it hard to the
                       SANDWICH SHOP CUSTOMER
Stupid herbivores.
Douglas, still in his sandwich shop attire, sans apron, is
mulling his way down the Las Vegas strip. As he walks, he
is bumping into people left and right. These people turn
and look at him with a vicious dirty look saying things
like, "Watch where you're going, jerkhole." and "Jerk, watch
where you're going." Douglas ignores everyone; he is in a
state of unconsciousness mentally. He comes to a giant
water fountain just on the strip. He looks at it's beauty
as the fountain puts on a wonderful display as streams of
water burst into the air magically. Douglas becomes
embraced in the magic of the moment. Douglas takes a short
intermission of the event as he looks around at the other
spectators that are also in awe of the wonders. He notices
a middle-aged, balding man leaving the event. The man is
wearing a Hawaiian shirt that is louder than a sonic boom. A
coin falls out of the man's pocket of his khaki pants.
Douglas tries to race over to the man to tell him about his
misfortune, but his eye catches the coin instead and stops
him dead in his tracks. Douglas picks up the coin and looks
at it. The coin is just as beautiful as the fountain
display. It is the shiniest coin that Douglas has ever
seen. There are markings on it that don't resemble any of
the other casinos. On it, the coin reads the name of the
casino that it comes from, "Labyrinth." Douglas looks
around to see if anyone else has noticed his find. The
water show has ended and everyone is leaving the once
awe-stricken spectacle. Douglas looks at the coin one more
time. He then looks into the water fountain. He places the
coin on his thumb as if he is going to flick the coin into
the fountain and make a wish. He thinks really hard of the
wish he wants to make.
I wish I ran this city.


Douglas flips the coin deep into the pond. Then he looks
around and notices there is no one near him, but there are
some people still on the strip walking by.
      (to himself)
What am I thinking?
Douglas dives into the fountain belly first and starts
searching for his lost treasure. Along the way he takes
other coins as well and puts them in his water-drenched
pockets as he looks for his lucky new find. When he finally
finds it, security guards walk up to the fountain.
I found it! You can all go home
now. I command you all to go
The guards furl their eyebrows at Douglas as they start to
reach for their guns that are placed in their holsters
around their hips. Douglas gets up and trudges his way out
of the water with his coin in hand.
Thanks for your help officers.
Douglas pats one of the officers on his butt as he walks off
drenched in water. The guards let him pass based solely on
his stupidity alone.
Good game, chief.
Douglas comes into the living room. He is still drenched
from his wet voyage in the fountain. Travis stands up from
the couch.
What happened now? Why aren't you
at the sandwich shop?
I found this coin. I threw it in
the fountain. I then changed my
mind and decided to fetch it out.
Douglas takes his treasure out of his pocket and presents it
to Travis. Travis takes it out of his hand and peruses it.


Well, look at that. You found it.
Found what? It's just a lousy
coin. I thought it could bring me
good luck or something. I sure do
need it.
That LOUSY coin is actually worth
more good luck than you think.
That new casino that just opened
up, "The Labyrinth," is giving
away $10,000 and a free two-week
stay at their hotel for that coin.
Whatever. You're lying. Like the
time I was eight and you told me
if I put a quarter in that machine
that was unplugged I would turn
That wasn't a lie. Look how big
you are now. There was no time
frame on my comment.
I could have bought a pack of
Garbage Pail Kids with that
quarter though. Garbage Pail Kids
are worth a fortune these days.
Quit crying about that. Besides,
Garbage Pail Kids aren't worth a
fortune, unless you consider a
pack for $2.50 on eBay a fortune.
So tell me, how did you find the
Well, I was at that job thing you
was talking about. I got fed up,
so I quit. As I was walking out I
saw this man with this gnarly
shirt on. The coin dropped out of
his pocket and I picked it up and
tried to give it back to him. Then
I thought with my elementary
school mind, "Finders keepers,


                       DOUGLAS (cont'd)
losers weepers."
You are a lucky man. That guy was
probably working for the casino
anyway. They didn't really give
out too many details about that
contest. Anyways, let's get you
dried off and take you to the
Labyrinth to claim your prize.
      (still in
Hmmm, I don't trust you, but I
will take my chances. What do I
have to lose?
Travis and Douglas step up to the concierge desk. The
CONCIERGE is a beautiful woman in her 20's. Travis gives her
an assuring wink. Douglas slams the coin down on the desk.
So I hear this coin will take away
all the bad stuff that's been
happening to me lately?
The concierge picks up the coin to examine it. She graces
Douglas with a big smile. She places it back on the desk.
Sir, you are one lucky man. This
coin sure will help you forget
anything wrong that has happened
to you.
Just give me my free steak buffet
and I will be on my way.
If it is a steak buffet you want
then I can give you much better.
How does having a filet mignon
delivered to your penthouse suite


Make it three "Whatever You Just
Saids," even though I don't really
like fish, and I'll be happy; but
if you want to have some guy bring
me a freaking steak to my
brother's pad then do it. Just
make sure it's well-rare.
Stop hating and hear the lady out.
Sir, as I was saying, the coin you
have permits you to stay for two
weeks in a luxurious penthouse
suite right here in the
illustrious Labyrinth.
I suppose you are going to say
that you are going to give me
10,000 dollars as well. Whatever.
This is a hoax. Let's get out of
here. I don't know why I came in
the first place. I knew you were
pulling my leg.
Dougie, she is telling you the
truth. Just because you are a
jerk, not everything that happens
to you has to be bad.
Douglas picks up the coin again. It radiates a golden shine
that he has not seen before like it is saying, "Come on
Douglas, give it a shot. What do you have to lose?" He
places the coin down gently. He leans on the counter with
his elbow and looks into the concierge's eyes.
And I get 10,000 dollars as well?
So what's the catch?
I was afraid you would ask that.
You actually get 10,000 in play
chips that can be used at any
table of your choice. At the end
of the two weeks, whatever you
have left is yours to keep.


That's even better. I'm a
professional gambler. I'm gonna
turn that 10,000 into 10,000,000.
You very-well could, sir.
Travis turns to Douglas and grabs him by the shoulders.
Douglas' eyes are glistening at the prospect of winning
millions of dollars.
You see. I told you this was for
I still haven't forgotten about
that quarter you owe me. This
doesn't change that.
Travis reaches into his pocket and pulls out a quarter and
flips it up in the air.
Douglas catches it; heads it is. Travis and the concierge
look at each other in befuddlement as Douglas puts the
quarter into his pocket.
Looks like my luck really is
starting to change.
It appears so; now sign all the
formalities, would ya?
Douglas looks back to the concierge. She is still smiling
from ear to ear.
Okay, so what kind of papers do I
have to sign?
The concierge pulls out a contract and hands it to Douglas.
Douglas starts reading it like he is a lawyer. He then
realizes that he has no idea what he is reading. It does not
stop him from pretending to understand the legalese.


      (fingering the
Hmmm. Uh hum. Ok.
      (rolling his eyes)
Just sign the contract.
Douglas looks hard to find the signature spot. Even with his
legal "expertise" he is unable to locate it. He hands the
contract to the concierge. She immediately shows him where
to put his John Hancock and passes the paperwork back.
      (pausing and
       taking a deep
Well, here goes.
For real, man. You are not signing
up for the military.
Douglas nervously signs his name on the dotted line.
There, now you can get your stuff
out of my place for a couple of
The guys start walking away. Douglas turns around to say one
last thing to the concierge.
I'll be checking in later tonight.
You got that, Miss?
We will see you at your earliest
convenience, Mr. McMonohan. Have a
good evening.
Douglas and Travis step away from the concierge desk. The
concierge shakes her head and mutters to herself.
What a tool!
As they are about to walk out the door Travis turns to his


Lady Luck is on your side, baby
bro-ham sandwich on a broll of
bro-ead with a bro-wl of bro-ccoli
Travis shakes his head in the same fashion as the Concierge.
Dude! All I've got to say is that
this is just the beginning. This
city is going to be all mine,
Trav. All mine!
      (to himself)
What a tool.
Douglas, entering alone wearing the same "Born to Eat"
t-shirt he wore at age fifteen and jeans, takes his first
step into his two-week abode as the large door closes behind
him. The suite is amazing; totally immaculate. An enormous
big-screen TV is centered by the back wall of the living
room. A long couch curls around the center of the living
room with a glass table comfortably surrounded by the couch.
A wonderfully crafted bar with all sorts of chocolates and
candy sets to the right of the television at the back right
corner of the living room. The entrance to the master
bedroom is past the living room on the left side of the
television. Douglas runs over to his big screen TV, jumping
over the large couch. He trips on the couch breaking the
table on his fall. He gets up, brushes himself off, looks
at the cracked table, shrugs his shoulders, and walks over
to the television. He gives it a big hug.
Sweet salisbury.
Douglas drops his loving embrace with the big screen and
walks over to the bar. He examines it and finds a bevy of
chocolates and candies to his liking. He grabs handfuls of
the candy and crams it into his mouth.
      (wiping his lips
       with his shirt)
Sweet salisbury. Oh, sweet


He hugs the bar. After a quick loving exchange he picks out
a candy bar. He gives the candy bar a kiss.
I'll be loving you later.
He eyes the candy bar even closer.
Ah, who am I kidding?
He opens the wrapper.
I'll love you right now.
Douglas shoves the entire candy bar into his mouth and
chomps away at it. He then grabs more chocolate and smears
it all over the walls.
      (with his mouth
Just after Douglas yells this, there is a knock on the door.
Sweet salisbury; this place is
Douglas walks over to the door.
      (mimicking a woman)
Who is it?
It's your brother. Open the door,
would ya?
Douglas opens the door to a dressed up Travis.
Hey, hey, big bro got himself all
cleaned up.
Shut up. Let's go gambling.
Aren't you gonna check out my new


Travis looks around the suite, noticing the chocolate
smeared on the walls.
Good job, Willy Wonka. You've been
here five minutes and you've
already managed to trash the
I prefer to call it Douglasizing
Let's get out of here so you can
lose all of your money.
I'm telling you, bro-hanaheim
Angel, I'm making millions today.
My luck is starting to turn
Let's hope so, for your sake.
Travis leads the way out of the hotel room as Douglas
Douglas sits down at the end of the table in the third base
position. Sow In, an older small Asian lady is sitting at
the first base position followed by a BALD-FAT GUY and a
SKINNY-YOUNG GUY who are all seated at the table alongside
Douglas. The BLACKJACK DEALER, who is a younger, attractive
woman, awaits Douglas' bet placement. The table they are
playing on has a $5,000 maximum bet and a $500 minimum bet.
Travis is standing behind his brother. Before Douglas places
his bet he turns to Sow In.
You're not like the rest of your
kind are you?
Sow In gives Douglas a menacing stare.
                       SOW IN
What you talking about? You
trying to make us all lose?


You split tens don't you? You look
like a ten splitter, you dirty ten
splitter, you.
                       BLACKJACK DEALER
Please place your bet sir.
Douglas places the table minimum $500 in chips down on his
circle. Everyone else has the table maximum, $5,000, on the
table. The dealer gives everyone their cards. Chin Chang
gets a nineteen. The bald-fat guy gets a twenty as does the
skinny young guy. Douglas is given a king of clubs and a
king of hearts. The dealer has a five showing. The dealer
has made her way around to Douglas after everyone else
waives her off. Douglas places another $500 in chips down
and makes a motion to split the cards. The other players'
eyes light up in astonishment.
Split 'em, toots.
Everyone at the table gives Douglas a dirty glance. The
dealer splits the tens. He gets an ace to match each ten.
Someone is already on fire!
The dealer then flips her turn card revealing a ten. The
next card she pulls is another five. The dealer has gotten
a twenty. The bald-fat guy and the skinny-young guy push
with the dealer as Sow In loses. Douglas is the only winner
at the table.
                       BALD-FAT GUY
Thanks a lot, buddy.
                       SKINNY-YOUNG MAN
Yeah, thanks a lot.
Douglas is oblivious to their sarcasm.
You guys are welcome.
                       SOW IN
      (gets out of her
You have got to be kidding me!
This guy is...idiot. Splitting


Sow leaves the table as does everyone else. Douglas places a
thousand dollar bet on the table. Travis sits down in a
vacated seat.
Geez, you clear a table faster
than an amateur magician having
his first go at yanking a table
cloth. Feeling a bit gutsy, are
Life is meant to be lived, not
died, Travis.
Douglas looks up at the dealer who is eavesdropping and not
doing her job.
                       BLACKJACK DEALER
Sorry, Mr. McMonohan.
My dad isn't sitting at the table,
Douglas turns to Travis.
You hear that, Trav? This chick
thinks you're my dad. She must be
stupid or something.
She's talking to you, Mrs.
McMonohan. You're a VIP, Douglas.
People know you. So try not to do
anything stupid. Here's the
acting job you want, be a
character that's the complete
opposite of you.
The dealer deals and gives Douglas a blackjack, rolling her
eyes in the process. Douglas emphatically slams his fists
on the table.
Yeah, that's right! Blackjack!
Douglas starts laughing maniacally. He calms down a little
and starts looking around.


Hey, where's one of those failed
actress waitresses when you need
Douglas looks around. As he is doing so the blackjack dealer
looks at Travis and mouths, "What a jerkhead?" Travis nods
his head in congruence.
                       BLACKJACK DEALER
Sir, the waitress will be here in
a second. Please, place your bet.
How about you save us some time
and just give me all the chips
Quit being a jerk and just place
your bet.
Douglas puts $5000 in the circle. He gets dealt another
blackjack. He then stands up and starts addressing everyone
within an ear shot.
Go ahead and paint my cards black
and call me jack!
Can you do anything without making
a total spectacle of yourself?
Nope, I don't think so.
Aren't you hungry or something?
You usually are.
Yeah, I could eat. You're buying
But you just won...never mind.
Let's go.
Douglas collects all of his chips and shoves them over to
the dealer to color up.


Color it up, sister.
The dealer takes his chips and colors them up. Douglas
leaves her a dollar tip. Travis and him walk away. The
dealer notices the meager tip.
                       BLACKJACK DEALER
      (under her breath)
Are you kidding me? A dollar?
Douglas and Travis have exited the blackjack table and are
making their way to a poker table. Douglas sees a female
SERVER walking in front of him and pinches her backside.
When she turns around to see who it was, Douglas flips a
quarter at her and winks.
Nice yams, toots.
Yams? Really? And who says
"toots" anymore?
The guy who'll give you the only
tip you'll get all night, lady.
Wow. Just, wow.
Douglas flips another quarter at her and turns around .
Travis looks at the server and shrugs his shoulders and
shakes his head. He mouths to the server, "I'm sorry" and
follows Douglas towards the buffett.
Douglas and Travis walk into the buffet. A HOST greets them
and escorts them to their table.
Here you are, gentlemen. Feel
free to have whatever you like. We
know who you are and it is our
pleasure to take care of your tab
for you. Enjoy our buffet.
The host exits their table. Douglas jumps up and heads
right to where the trays, plates and utensils are. Travis
follows closely behind. Douglas grabs two trays and heads
directly to the crab legs. He LOADS his trays up high! He's


taken all the crab legs. The patrons behind him voice and
show their immense displeasure. Douglas takes a crab leg and
bites it in half in front of the disgruntled patrons. He
then sucks all the juices out from the leg he bit in half.
Travis "mouths" his apologies to those behind him.
Douglas, slow down. The buffet
isn't going anywhere.
You just worry about your own
Douglas then goes throughout the buffet, cutting in front of
others, filling his plate to the point that it is
overflowing. After he has come to the conclusion that he
cannot fill his plate any higher, he finally decides to take
his seat back at his table. Travis has filled his own plate
moderately and has made his way back to the table as well.
When they say, "All-you-can-eat"
they don't mean "All-you-can-eat
in one trip."
Douglas is plowing through his food like it was his last
meal on earth. Travis is embarrassed for his brother.
      (with his mouth
Are you calling me fat or
      (shaking his head)
Not at all big bro...I mean lil'
      (mouth still full)
That's what I thought.
The host makes his way over to the table to check on the
McMonohan brothers. He is in awe upon looking at Douglas'
Is everything alright here,


Everything is just...
Douglas interjects.
Hey, leave us alone. When we need
another plate, we'll come to you,
The host is appalled. Travis is just as appalled and
astounded at what his brother just said.
I understand, sir. Good day.
Why won't anyone just let me eat
in peace? For crying out loud.
Douglas gets up from his seat, taking his plate with him. He
sees a table with an old lady eating by herself and makes
his way over it. He lets his plate fall onto the table as he
pulls the seat out and sits down. He looks to the old lady.
Hey, old lady, is this seat taken?
The old lady looks confused, but shakes her head, no.
Douglas begins eating, finally getting the peace he had been
The boys stand around on the outskirts of the poker area,
checking out the action.
Now this is where the real action
Yeah, I know, right? Plus, you're
like a professional gambler. You
can totally take all of these
people out. You're great! I mean,
you're good, right?
Douglas gives him an unconvincing nod.


You're at least okay? You DO know
how to play, right?
Duh, it's what I do. I'm an Ace
in the hole when it comes to
Well, something close to that
What's that now?
I was just saying that of course
you're good. You've played a lot.
You've got the eye of the tiger.
You got that right. I am a
survivor when it comes to no limit
Well, it looks like people are
getting ready for one right now.
Let's ask this host what's up.
An older, large man in an elegant suit appears. Douglas
steps to the POKER HOST and fixes his collar. The host is
visibly agitated, but he gains his composure.
There. Sorry palley-boy, but your
collar was more crooked than a
British person's teeth while
eating corn on the cob.
                       POKER HOST
      (faking sincerity
       in a British
Uh, hum... Thank you. Messers
McMonahan, would you gentlemen
care to play in our Guaranteed
$250,000 Hold 'em tournament? The
buy-in is a meager $7,500. We
would very much like our VVIP to


Don't mind if I do, Mr. Belvedere.
Douglas gives the man an awkward "fist" handshake. The
gentleman starts to walk away shaking his head as Douglas
proceeds to pat him on the butt. The man tenses up,
restraining himself before walking away again.
Good lookin' out, kid!
                       POKER HOST
      (under his breath)
Kid? Bloody wanker.
Alright, great idea. Douglas will win this tournament.
While he's basking in his glory, Travis receives a call.
Either Kiera (ideally) or someone like their mom has been in
a terrible accident. She won't be able to walk again unless
Douglas pays the $200,000 or so for a surgery. Whilst in
the hospital on Travis is giving her time. Meanwhile Douglas
is still being a jerk. He knows he can pay for the surgery,
but he's still selfish. He blows all of the money. Travis
confronts him. Vows to disown him since he didn't help mom
or whoever out. Travis then says, "Here's your quarter.
This is the last I ever want to do with you." He gives
Douglas the quarter he always whined about. Douglas then
gets visibly shaken by his self realization of who he has
become. We slowly see him change. He eventually heads into
the casino again, but this time only with the quarter that
Travis gave him. He puts it in a slot machine that has a
ridiculous payout because of another promotion they're
running since they just opened. He hits it big. Pays for
the surgery. We then see him be a productive member of
society. He ends up saving a baby's life or something.
Storybook happy ending. Now there's some direction for the
ending to go.


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From John Thompson Date 9/26/2008 ****
That's funny I dig it man.

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