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Seinfeld: The Rolex
by AJ Frost (Fropals1@aol.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ****
A Seinfeld episode, taking place while George is still working for the Yankees. Steinbrenner's birthday is coming up, Elaine is trying to write a novel, and Kramer becomes a secret shopper. Comedy ensues.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT
                                                            
                       JERRY
I've noticed that people spend a
lot of time with their watches,
pardon the pun. But it seems that
people are obsessed over the idea
of owning a watch, especially some
of the really expensive ones. You
know what I'm talking about? Those
people who spend thousands and
thousands of dollars for something
that is essentially free. And not
only that, these people constantly
mention these watches to express
their superiority over the common
man. Well I for one am sick of it!
We should go back to early times
by staring directly at the sun.
Sure it may blind you, but it's a
hell of a lot cheaper.
                                                            
 
INT. MONK'S CAFE - DAY
                                                            
                       GEORGE
I hate going to other people's
birthday parties. It's just not
right.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Why do you say that?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Well, it's Steinbrenner's birthday
and we all have to go to his
party. Can you believe it? The man
owns the Yankees, what else does
he want? And also, I find it quite
demeaning that I have to spend my
time trying to find some fabulous
gift.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Well, I'm sure the rich are
suffering without their caviar and
fine wine.
                                                            

2.

                       GEORGE
I mean my parents never gave me a
birthday party. Every year, you
know what they said? "You're one
year closer to dying, George.
You're growing fatter George. Oh,
why do we have to get you all that
stuff George." It's like waiting
for the punch in face.
                                                            
                       JERRY
You have any idea what you're
gonna get him?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
No idea. That's another thing. As
a person invited to your boss's
birthday party, you sure have a
lot of work to do besides working
for him. You have to spend time
thinking about what you're going
to get this person that controls
your salary. I had always wished
my parents bought me a Rolex or
something that would remind me
that I'm not related to them. It
should be something prestigious
though. Something to appease his
appetites...
                                                            
                       JERRY
      (sarcastically)
Always the food metaphors.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
What?
                                                            
                       JERRY
Well, it seems that whenever you
start talk about something dealing
with food, or dealing with food.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
When do I do that?
                                                            
                       JERRY
You just did.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
You know, I have enough people
telling me about my faults, I
don't need my friends telling me
about my faults. I know I have
            (MORE)

3.

                       GEORGE (cont'd)
faults. I don't need you telling
me.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Let's ask Kramer.
                                                            
Kramer walks in and sits down in Jerry and George's booth.
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Hey guys.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Hey Kramer, let me ask: What are
George's faults?
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Uhh, well he's a little on the
chubby side, short when it comes
stature and hair follicle count...
                                                            
                       GEORGE (standing up)
Ahh, I can't take this. I'm out of
here.
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Hey, where ya goin'?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
It's Steinbrenner's birthday and I
don't know what to get him.
                                                            
                       KRAMER
What about underpants?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
No! What?! What are you talking
about?
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Well, think about it. He's always
getting these expensive things
right? Well, I'm sure no one has
ever bought him a pair of
underwear. I mean, the wealthy
need the support and comfort that
the common folk need.
                                                            

4.

                       GEORGE
      (sarcastically)
Yeah. Thanks. I'll take it into
consideration.
      (to Jerry)
So, Jerry, is Elaine still going
to meet us at the movie tonight?
                                                            
                       JERRY
I'm not sure. She's been obsessed
with this novel she's writing.
She's been working on it for a
week already. I keep on asking her
what it's about but she keeps
pushing me further away from her
computer.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Well. See ya.
                                                            
                       JERRY (and Kramer)
Yeah goodbye.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Well you sure look happy. What's
up?
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Well, I'm not sure if I can tell
you.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Well, why is it some sort of
secret or something?
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Well, yeah. How'd you know?
                                                            
                       JERRY
      (slyly)
Well, I'm a psychic. I can tell
the future and I know what you're
thinking at all times.
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Funny.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Ahh, come on tell me. I mean, who
am I gonna tell?
                                                            

5.

                       KRAMER
No sorry. Can't tell a single
soul.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Have you told Newman?
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Well, yeah but... Hey! Are you
following me around. Jerry, I know
we're close friends, but whoa
buddy, I need my own space.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Come on. Will you please just tell
me?
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Well okay. You know the new
grocery store that opened right
down the street?
                                                            
                       JERRY
Uh yeah. What's it called? Flibbs,
Mibbs...
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Gibb's Grocery. Yeah. But anyway,
this company contacted me and
Newman. They want us to be a
secret shoppers.
                                                            
                       JERRY
A secret shopper, what's that?
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Well, the company pays me to shop
at the store and write a review of
my experience there. The more
things that need to be improved,
the more I get paid.
                                                            
                       JERRY
So, you just write about anything
in the store?
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Yep anything.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Hmm. And does the company really
pay you?
                                                            

6.

                       KRAMER
Oh Yah! And the best part is, you
can completely make stuff up and
they'll still pay ya for it. I
tell ya Jerry, this is going to be
this best shopping experience
ever.
                                                            
                       JERRY
But you've never been to a grocery
store before.
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Well that's never stopped me
before.
                                                            
 
INT. JERRY APT. BUILDING - DAY
                                                            
Jerry and George are sitting on the couch watching
television. The phone rings. Jerry answers.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Hello. Oh, hi Elaine. Why didn't
you meet us at the movie last
night? Still? It's been two weeks!
Well what about tonight? How long
is this going to take? Ok, well
see ya soon. Yeah. Bye
                                                            
                       GEORGE
What was that all about? Where was
she?
                                                            
                       JERRY
Well, Elaine is trying to write
the next Great American Novel or
something. She's been working on
it for two weeks straight, that's
why she didn't meet us for the
movie last night.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Oh.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Hey, you think of anything to get
Steinbrenner yet?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
No. And I'm losing sleep over it.
It's not my job, or my girlfriend
that's making me lose sleep. it's
            (MORE)

7.

                       GEORGE (cont'd)
my boss. It has to be one of the
most ridiculous things to lose
sleep over.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Well, you are a rather ridiculous
person. What about a CD or concert
tickets?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
No. I don't think so. He's not a
very musical person. He still
thinks Jefferson Airplane is an
airline company based in D.C.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Well what then?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
I know! It's so simple. I'll buy
him a Rolex.
                                                            
                       JERRY
A Rolex? You don't have enough
money to pay for that. In fact,
you have such a small amount of
money, that buying a Rolex would
put you into bankrupcy for thirty
years.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Well, think about it Jerry. I get
him a Rolex, he thinks I went
through all this trouble thinking
about him, he promotes me, BOOM,
I'm now George Costanza, Vice
President.
                                                            
                       JERRY
What? You got to be joking.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Hey, How does it sound. Vice
President huh?
      (in a pompous
       voice)
That's right ladies. I'm a vice
president. I got my own car, my
own house and you are invited
anytime.
                                                            

8.

                       JERRY
Oh, come on. Stop this fantasy.
You'll never have enough money to
buy one.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
      (still with a
       pompous voice)
Well, Jerome it sounds like a
smashing idea. One of the best I
have ever come up with. I'll do
it.
                                                            
                       JERRY
You do know, though, how much a
Rolex costs right?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
      (pompous voice
       losing edge)
Of couse I do. They are a
prestigious brand and hence they
come at a prestigious price. And
besides, there are many places in
New York where it is perfectly
reasonable to find a well-priced
Rolex brand watch.
      (now without
       pompous quality)
Right?
                                                            
                       JERRY
      (now with the
       pompous tone)
Right.
                                                            
Kramer enters. As he enters, George begins to head towards
the door.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
      (anxiously)
Well, see ya Jerry.
                                                            
George heads for the door. He is mumbling random things
under his breath.
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Hey hey George. Where ya goin'?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
I'm trying to find a Rolex or some
other fabulous watch, you know,
for Steinbrenner.
                                                            

9.

                       KRAMER
Well, my friend, Bob Sacamano
knows a guy who has a friend who
gets watches really cheap.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
      (interested)
Really?
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Oh yeah, anything you want:
Timex's, Seikos, Omega, he's got
it all.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Do you think he'll have a Rolex?
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Oh, sure. You want me to give him
a call?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Yeah, that would be great. Could
you tell him to get it to me by
next Tuesday? Maybe we can meet,
talk, haggle?
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Anything you want. Hey, if you
need underwear, I can get that to.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
      (worried)
No thanks. Remember, next Tuesday.
                                                            
                       JERRY
You're really not going to follow
through on this are you?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
I have to Jerry. If not for myself
then... for my sanity. Can you
give me that, at least?
                                                            
George leaves.
                                                            
                       JERRY
So, have you done that secret
shopper thing yet?
                                                            
                       KRAMER
No, not yet but I learned that
Gibb's Grocery has a spotless
            (MORE)

10.

                       KRAMER (cont'd)
record. I mean, everyone who goes
into the store loves it! Well, not
after I'm through with 'em.
                                                            
                       JERRY
So you're going to bring down a
well loved store and get paid for
it?
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Oh yeah.
                                                            
                       JERRY
You heartless bastard.
                                                            
                       KRAMER
You better believe it.
                                                            
 
INT. ELAINE'S APT. - DAY
                                                            
Elaine is sitting transfixed at her computer. She is typing
rapidly. Suddenly, there is a knock at the door.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
Go away.
                                                            
The knocking continues.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
Go away I said.
                                                            
The knocking becomes louder and faster. Elaine begins to
look annoyed (even more annoyed than usual). She begins to
walk towards the door.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
What?! What do you want from me? I
told you politely to go away. Do
you understand English? What is so
important that...
                                                            
She opens the door.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Hello Elaine.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
      (surprised)
Jerry, what are you doing here?
                                                            

11.

                       JERRY
Well, you've been cooped up in
here for two weeks. Just checking
to see if you're still alive.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
      (calming down)
I wish I was alive Jerry. You know
how hard it is to write a book? I
have no idea how my father ever
did it.
                                                            
                       JERRY
I'm sure the images of his fallen
buddies' exploding heads was a
comfort.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
Yeah. Well anyway, what are you
doing here? Ah! Can you help me?
I'm stuck on this part and I can't
figure out how to continue.
                                                            
                       JERRY
It would be helpful. However,
unfortunately I have no idea what
you're writing.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
It's a romance novel.
                                                            
                       JERRY
What? I thought you said you were
writing the next Great American
novel.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
Yeah, I was. But then I thought
about how hard it was to think of
something really out there, you
know? But I thought it would be
better to write a romance novel.
                                                            
                       JERRY
You're thinking about me when you
write the love scenes, right?
                                                            
                       ELAINE
No.
                                                            
                       JERRY
That really hurts my feelings.
                                                            

12.

                       ELAINE
Well, if it makes you feel any
better, when I write the death
scenes when I think about you.
                                                            
                       JERRY
And here I always thought you were
such an innocent and caring. Boy,
was I wrong.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
Pretty much.
      (happily)
But please will you help me Jerry?
I can't figure out what to do
next.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Well, how far are you?
                                                            
                       ELAINE
Look at the screen.
                                                            
Jerry procedes to go over to the computer screen. On it is a
grocery list.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Well, it would seem that you're
missing a main character. Also a
plot.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
      (pleading)
Oh, Jerry I know.But you don't
know how hard it is. I've been
sitting here typing about a page
and then deleting it. Starting,
then deleting. I'm stuck. Please,
Please, Please! I already set up a
date to talk to somebody from
Harlequin.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Harlequin?
                                                            
                       ELAINE
They are the preimier romance
novel publisher in the country.
      (frantically)
Jerry please, I'm meeting them
next week and I have to present
them with something. Please Jerry.
Please, please, please!
                                                            

13.

                       JERRY
Uh, well...
                                                            
                       ELAINE
      (serious)
I'll split the advance money with
you.
                                                            
                       JERRY
They gave you an advance?
                                                            
                       ELAINE
5,000 dollars.
                                                            
                       JERRY
      (now seemingly
       interested)
Ok. Uhh, how about two lovers
entangled in battle for their dog?
But then the twist is, it isn't
really their dog.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
      (blankly)
You're joking right? I mean, it's
a joke. That's a horrible idea.
They would laugh at me and kick me
out of the office.
                                                            
Jerry heads towards the door.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
Oh, Jerry, you can't leave.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Well, it seems my talents are
needed elsewhere.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
Oh, I'm sorry Jerry. I didn't mean
it. Please don't go.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Well this is my final idea. Take
it or leave it.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
Oh Jerry, I can't make that...
                                                            
Jerry turns ever so slightly towards the door.
                                                            

14.

                       ELAINE
      (exacerbated)
Ok, fine.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Well, what if there is this guy
playing jokes on a woman he has an
attraction for. It turns out that
he does this for every girl, but
in the end he really like this one
so much he stops. They fall in
love, and BADA BIP, Harlequin is
happy, many idiotic housewives are
happy, and you get a national
bestseller on your hands.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
      (sarcastically)
And what do you call this
masterpiece.
                                                            
                       JERRY
I dunno. 'The Love Jester' or
something like that.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
'The Love Jester.' Interesting.
                                                            
Elaine goes back to her computer and begins to type rapidly.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Another satisfied customer.
                                                            
 
EXT. GIBB'S GROCERY - DAY
                                                            
Kramer is joined by Newman. They converse before entering
the store.
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Now remember: the more that need
to be improved, the more we get
paid.
                                                            
                       NEWMAN
Yes, I know Kramer.
                                                            
                       KRAMER
You seem rather confident.
                                                            
                       NEWMAN
A little known fact. Many years
ago I worked at a grocery store.
            (MORE)

15.

                       NEWMAN (cont'd)
One day I was summoned into the
manager's office. I was told that
a secret shopper did not like the
way I handled their groceries.
      (madly)
Well, I got wind of who that
secret shopper was: an elderly
woman by the name of Alice. Well I
tracked down ALICE and let's just
say, she didn't cause anymore
trouble...
                                                            
                       KRAMER
      (absently)
Right.
                                                            
They proceed to walk into the store.
                                                            
 
INT. COSTANZA'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
George has just entered his parent's house.
                                                            
                       FRANK
...Well, let's ask George. George,
did you take my latest issue of
Esquire Magazine?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
No, why would I do that?
                                                            
                       ESTELLE
I told you Frank. George isn't
stylish enough to read that
magazine.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Who said I'm not stylish?
                                                            
                       ESTELLE
Oh George, you've never been
trendy. I mean look at you. You're
wearing drabby clothes.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
I always wear these clothes.
                                                            
                       FRANK
I told you. It was that time we
lost him at Macy's department
store and he ended up in the
women's section. After that, he
couldn't dress worth a crap!
                                                            

16.

                       ESTELLE
No, it's because you dress the
same way.
                                                            
                       FRANK
SO, you are saying that I am not a
snappy dresser. Listen, I was
wearing these classy clothes since
before the war. I WEAR CLOTHES
PERFECTLY!
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Listen, I didn't come here to talk
about clothes. I came here to ask
a question.
                                                            
                       ESTELLE
What's wrong Georgie? You have
cancer? you're dying? Why didn't
you tell us you were sick? Oh, I
knew this would happen to me! My
son, dying before his parents. Oh
why? why?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
No, I'm not sick and I'm no dying,
though that would solve a lot of
problems.
                                                            
                       ESTELLE
Well, what then?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Remember, my fourteenth birthday
and I asked you for a Rolex? Why
didn't you get me one, or some
kind of cheap imitation to shut me
up?
                                                            
                       FRANK
Because you didn't deserve one,
that's why!
                                                            
                       ESTELLE
Frank, stop yelling!
                                                            
                       FRANK
No, why should he have a Rolex?
You know what I had to use? The
sun! If it's good enough for me,
it's good enough for him!
                                                            

17.

                       ESTELLE
Stop yelling!
                                                            
                       FRANK
I'll yell whenever I want. You
don't control me!
                                                            
                       ESTELLE
Eh!
                                                            
                       FRANK
EH!
                                                            
As his parents fight, George walks out the door quietly.
                                                            
 
EXT. STREETCORNER - DAY
                                                            
At a busy streetcorner, a man in a heavy trenchcoat stands
nonchalantly. George carefully approaches.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Uhh, excuse me...
                                                            
The man glares at George.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
...do you sell watches.
                                                            
                       WATCH DEALER
Yeah, watches or whatever you
want.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
DO you happen to have any Rolexes?
                                                            
                       WATCH DEALER
Rolex? Yeah, lots of those. Here
you go.
                                                            
The Watch Dealer opens up his trenchcoat to reveal a great
deal of watches all ticking away. He shows George some of
the "Rolex" watches.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
I guess I'll take that one. Uhh,
how much is this?
                                                            
                       WATCH DEALER
Two hundred dollars.
                                                            

18.

                       GEORGE
Two hundred dollars! You got to be
kidding me. You're crazy to think
I would pay you two hundred
dollars for this piece of junk.
You got to be crazy.
                                                            
                       WATCH DEALER
Well, my friend you could always
pay the full price.
                                                            
George then gives an exacerbated look. Then hands over the
money and walks off.
                                                            
 
INT. GIBB'S GROCERY STORE - DAY
                                                            
Quick shots of Kramer and Newman strolling through the
store. An employee stares at them. They stare back at each
other for awhile. They look at each with big grins on their
faces.
                                                            
 
INT. YANKEE STADIUM - DAY
                                                            
George is sitting at his desk with a worried look on his
face. His boss, Mr. Wilhem, walks in.
                                                            
                       WILHEM
George, how are those reports
going?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
      (distractedly)
Fine. Fine...
                                                            
                       WILHEM
Now remember, Mr. Steinnbrenner's
birthday party is on Tuesday.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Yes yes I know!
                                                            
                       WILHEM
Hey George, you want to know a
little secret?
                                                            
George, still looking distracted leans in a little closer as
Wilhelm bends over to whisper into George's ear.
                                                            
                       WILHEM
I got him a Rolex.
                                                            

19.

As Wilhelm walks out of the office, George gives a supressed
scream.
                                                            
 
INT. MONK'S CAFE - DAY
                                                            
                       GEORGE
...I can't believe he got
Steinbrenner a Rolex. I can't
believe it, I just can't believe
it. This is an outrage!
                                                            
                       JERRY
      (quickly)
It's a scandal.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
And to think I went through all
this trouble! It's ridiculous
Jerry! Ridiculous!
                                                            
Elaine enters. George is still fuming.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Hey. So how'd your book end up?
                                                            
                       ELAINE
The publisher's hated it.
                                                            
                       JERRY
What? Why?
                                                            
                       ELAINE
Well, I walk in with the
manuscript and tell them the basic
premise. And you know what they
do?
                                                            
Jerry and George shake their heads.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
They laugh! They laugh at my book,
right as I'm sitting there in
front of them.
                                                            
                       JERRY
So what are you gonna do now?
                                                            
                       ELAINE
I don't know. It doesn't really
matter right now.
                                                            

20.

                       GEORGE
You see Jerry, Nothing works out
for anybody. Everything is a
useless gesture.
                                                            
George begins banging his head on the table. After doing
that he just rest his head on his arms looking like he's
crying.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
      (to Jerry)
What's wrong with him?
                                                            
                       JERRY
Well, it's Steinbrenner's birthday
and George here bought him a...
      (rolls his eyes)
Rolex and somebody else got
Steinbrenner a Rolex too.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
Well, who has the better Rolex?
                                                            
                       JERRY
Elaine, it's George we're talking
about here.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
Ahh, well did you ever think about
just switching the watches?
                                                            
George immediatley brings his head up.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
      (dryly)
What was that?
                                                            
                       ELAINE
Well, if you bought him a Rolex
and this other guy also got a
Rolex, why don;t you switch them
so it looks like you got
Steinmbrenner the better one.
Who's gonna notcie anyway, if
their the exact same watch, you
know?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
      (hysterically)
Elaine, my God you're a genius!
                                                            
George begins to run towards the door.
                                                            

21.

                       JERRY
Where are you going?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Saving my reputation Jerry!
                                                            
As Geroge runs out, Kramer walks in wearing a hoodie and
dark sunglasses.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Well, what do we owe this change
in sartorial style?
                                                            
                       KRAMER
They're after me Jerry! THEY'RE
AFTER ME!
                                                            
                       JERRY
Who's after you?
                                                            
                       KRAMER
The guys at Gibb's.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
Gibb's? Isn't that that new
grocery store down the street? Why
would they be after you?
                                                            
                       JERRY
Well, Kramer became a secret
shopper with Newman, lied about
Gibb's Grocery having all these
problems and now has been found
out. Now they're out for blood.
                                                            
                       KRAMER
You gotta help Jerry. They already
got Newman!
                                                            
 
INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Newman is strapped and gagged to a chair. A dozen or so
grocery store employees surround him.
                                                            
                       MANAGER
So you get a sick pleasure by
lying about your local grocery
store don'tcha? Think it's funny
to degrade us, huh?
                                                            

22.

                       NEWMAN
      (muffled)
No, it wasn't. I swear!
                                                            
                       BAG BOY
Well shut up and listen, pig! Do
you think it's a joke to make us
suffer. It's not like we have to
suffer any more with those old
ladies who come in every day.
      (with a mad glint)
You know how horrible it is,
Newman!
                                                            
Newman flinches at the sound of his own name.
                                                            
                       MANAGER
Now tell us about this Kramer.
                                                            
Newman struggles against his bounds.
                                                            
                       BAG BOY
Alice!
                                                            
An old woman walks out with a cattle prod.
                                                            
                       ALICE
Remember me?!
                                                            
The employees and Alice surround Newman. Newman lets out a
scream.
                                                            
 
INT. MONK'S CAFE - DAY
                                                            
                       KRAMER
You have to hide me Jerry. You
don't understand grocery store
folk.
                                                            
                       JERRY
I'm pretty sure it's not that bad.
Besides it's your own fault. How
many lies did you tell anyway?
                                                            
                       KRAMER
So many Jerry.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Well you can hide out at my place
for awhile.
                                                            
 

23.

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
                                                            
Jerry and Elaine are sitting on the couch watching a
Television court show. Jerry is eating a bowl of cereal.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
Ever wonder about the people who
appear on these court shows?
                                                            
                       JERRY
No, not really.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
I always feel a little sorry for
them. Like, they obviously have
made the stupid mistake of
appearing on national TV and not
only that, they get their asses
handed to them by the judge.
                                                            
                       JERRY
No, I don't think so. I think it's
the other way around. We're the
stupid ones for actually believing
this is a real court show.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
What do you mean?
                                                            
                       JERRY
Well, it's not a true court case.
It's just a binding arbiratration.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
And how may I ask how you know
something like that?
                                                            
                       JERRY
A homeless man told me.
                                                            
Jerry's apartment buzzes. Jerry walks towards the door.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Yeah?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
It's George.
                                                            
                       JERRY
OK, come on up.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
Would you sue me?
                                                            

24.

                       JERRY
      (points to the
       television)
And go on one of these shows?
                                                            
Elaine nods.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Yeah, maybe.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
So you would sue me?
                                                            
                       JERRY
      (bluntly)
Yeah sure.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
I'm hurt Jerry.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Not as hurt as George, though.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
Would you sue him?
                                                            
                       JERRY
In a minute if I had the chance.
                                                            
George walks in.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
It's over. My days are over!
There's no going back out there.
The end is coming! George is a
nearly done for.
                                                            
                       JERRY
How do you figure?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Steinbrenner's party is tomorrow.
He wanted everyone's gift turned
in early like it's some school
project. And the second he sees
the gift I gave him, WHAM! I'm out
of there.
                                                            
                       ELAINE
Still no chance of switching them?
                                                            
George shakes his head.
                                                            

25.

                       ELAINE
That's a real bummer. Well, Jerry
I gotta go. Gotta start a new
draft or something.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Ok, see ya later.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Why Jerry, Why was I amde to live
this life of misery? Can't
anything go well in my life. For
once, can't one thing JUST GO
RIGHT!
                                                            
                       JERRY
      (chomping on his
       cereal)
Yeah, it's a shame.
                                                            
Suddenly, Elaine enters Jerry's apartment again, followed by
Kramer, who looks scared.
                                                            
                       JERRY
What's going...
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Hide me! Lock the door Jerry!
                                                            
                       JERRY
What the hell is this?
                                                            
                       KRAMER
It's the Gibb's Grocery employees,
They're after me!
                                                            
                       JERRY
Well how do they know you live
here?
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Newman must've squealed!
                                                            
                       JERRY
      (sarcastically)
What a surprise.
                                                            
As Jerry closes the door, there is a loud knocking at
Kramer's door.
                                                            
                       MANAGER
KRAMER! KRAMER! We know you're in
there! You can't hide from us.
            (MORE)

26.

                       MANAGER (cont'd)
We're grocery men, we know
everything about you! And at the
moment you're least expecting
it... POW, we'll show not to mess
with us.
                                                            
Kramer gives a sudden lurch.
                                                            
                       MANAGER
Remember Kramer. When you least
expect it!
                                                            
The employees walk away.
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Oh, you gotta help me. I can't
walk on my own anymore. I'm a
marked man. One of you needs to
help me.
                                                            
Jerry and Elaine turn their heads quickly. George however,
catches Kramer's gaze.
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Oh, George, buddy you need to help
me.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Kramer I can't, I have
Steinbrenner's birthday tomorrow.
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Well, don't you see that's
perfect. A nice big party, no one
will spot me out from the crowd.
                                                            
 
INT. YANKEE STADIUM - NIGHT
                                                            
A party scene. George and Kramer are mingling among the
crowd. Steinbrenner, sitting a big table, clinks his glass
and begins his announcements.
                                                            
                       STEINBRENNER
      (quickly)
Hello, Hello, welcome to my
birthday. I'm not gonna tell you
which one it is, I'm rather
self-conscious. Well, anyway, I
like to welcome you all. In a
couple, minutes we will open the
presents. Oh, what am I saying? I
will open the presents.
                                                            

27.

                       WILHEM
You will definitely like my
present Mr. Steinbrenner.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
      (mocking)
You will definitely like my
present Mr. Steinbrenner.
                                                            
                       STEINBRENNER
Ahh, Costanza, good man, I know
whatever you get me will be
spectacular!
                                                            
                       KRAMER
      (to George)
Hey, George this is some pretty
good food. Hey, also, just so you
know, I got Steinbrenner something
too.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
      (surprised)
What?! No, Kramer. What did you
get him?
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Oh, you'll see.
                                                            
Outside the stadium, a group of men start gathering. They
head towards the stadium.
                                                            
                       STEINBRENNER
Ok everybody. Follow me. We are
going into my office. Going to
open up some presents. It is my
birthday after all.
                                                            
 
INT. STEINBRENNER'S OFFICE - NIGHT
                                                            
Steinbrenner and his employees, including George (along with
Kramer) sit in a cirle. Steinbrenner is sitting in the
middle. He begins to open presents one at a time.
                                                            
                       WILHEM
OK, let's see what we have. Ahh,
Jeter, nice I always wanted one of
these. Mattingly, you sly devil.
How did you know I wanted one of
these...
                                                            

28.

                       GEORGE
      (to Kramer)
Kramer, I really can't stay here.
I have to go.
                                                            
                       KRAMER
George, what's the big rush? Come
on, this is the best part.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Kramer, you don't understand. When
Steinbrenner gets to my present,
I'll be the laughing stock of the
whole organization.
                                                            
                       KRAMER
It can't be all that bad.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
I need a miracle to get through
this night.
                                                            
Just then, the door flys open.
                                                            
                       MANAGER
There he is!
                                                            
                       BAG BOY
Get him!
                                                            
                       STEINBRENNER
Hey. How dare you you interupt!
What is the meaning of this?
                                                            
                       MANAGER
KRAMER! VENDETTA!
                                                            
Kramer flinches. He tries to hide his face. The grocery men
start chasing Kramer. He tries to dodge and avoid the
onslaught of punches and kicks. In the chaos, George manages
to find his gift, he switches the "To/From" sticker.
                                                            
The employees manage to capture Kramer.
                                                            
                       KRAMER
What are doing?! Where are you
taking me?!
                                                            
                       STEINBRENNER
Hmm. Odd fellows. Oh well. Maybe
they left some presents. OK. Whose
next? AH, Costanza. Hmm. This look
small. That can't be good. But
            (MORE)

29.

                       STEINBRENNER (cont'd)
then again, small things can be
good. Ok. Constanza's it is.
                                                            
He opens the gift. Everyone gasps at the contents of the
package.
                                                            
 
INT. MONK'S CAFE - DAY
                                                            
Jerry and a very tired looking George walk in.
                                                            
                       JERRY
So how was the party?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Oh, Jerry you would never believe
what happened. For once in my
life, just for a few minutes I
knew what it was like to be well
loved. Steinbrenner actually like
the gift: a gorgeous Rolex, with
his name engraved on it.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Wait, you didn't get him that.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Well, he didn't know that, at
first. Once he stopped thanking
me, he actually looked at the
watch. He said it was a fake.
                                                            
                       JERRY
No way. Seriously?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Oh yah. And then here this. the
one I really got, he loved it.
gave my boss a raise and three
week vacation.
                                                            
                       JERRY
And what you get?
                                                            
                       JERRY
And what you get?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
All of his work for the next three
months.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Fun. So what happened to Kramer?
                                                            

30.

As Jerry says this, Kramer walks in, visually shaken.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Jeez, what happened to you?
                                                            
                       KRAMER
      (robotically)
I love grocery store employees,
Jerry. They are our friends.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Huh?
                                                            
                       KRAMER
      (robotically)
The grocery store employee is our
friend. Friend.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
      (to Jerry)
They must've got to him.
      (loudly)
Kramer. Kramer! Wake up!
                                                            
Kramer shakes himself awake.
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Nmpf! Oh, hey guys. Hey, where am
I?
                                                            
                       JERRY
In Hell. You've been a bad boy.
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Oh. Well, I'm gone.
                                                            
                       JERRY
Hey, where are you going?
                                                            
                       KRAMER
Uh, I don't know, but I feel like
grocery shopping.
                                                            
 
INT. STEINBRENNER'S OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
Steinbrenner is sitting in his office. He finds one gift
laying on his desk.
                                                            
                       STEINBRENNER
Hmmm. What's this?
                                                            
He looks at the card.
                                                            

31.

                       STEINBRENNER
Kramer. Hmm. Don't know any
Kramer's. Well, let's see what it
is. Underwear?! Wow! I really
needed that!
                                                            
 
INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT
                                                            
                       JERRY
I realize that people are
sensitive to how others percieve
them. But what is so ridiculous
about this is that sometimes
people will go to enormous lengths
to keep up these appearances. But
really, who cares. Oh, you spent
$10,000 on that watch? Wow, what a
waste of money! $180,000 for that
pinky toe ring? Come on. Just give
me a ten dollar watch and a pair
of jeans and I'm on my way.
                                                            


THE END


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From ralph keefer Date 12/22/2008 ****
Verr yVery funny..

From Joe Date 3/19/2007 ****
great!


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