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Seinfeld: The Rolex
by AJ Frost (Fropals1@aol.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ****
A Seinfeld episode, taking place while George is still working for the Yankees. Steinbrenner's birthday is coming up, Elaine is trying to write a novel, and Kramer becomes a secret shopper. Comedy ensues.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


I've noticed that people spend a
lot of time with their watches,
pardon the pun. But it seems that
people are obsessed over the idea
of owning a watch, especially some
of the really expensive ones. You
know what I'm talking about? Those
people who spend thousands and
thousands of dollars for something
that is essentially free. And not
only that, these people constantly
mention these watches to express
their superiority over the common
man. Well I for one am sick of it!
We should go back to early times
by staring directly at the sun.
Sure it may blind you, but it's a
hell of a lot cheaper.
I hate going to other people's
birthday parties. It's just not
Why do you say that?
Well, it's Steinbrenner's birthday
and we all have to go to his
party. Can you believe it? The man
owns the Yankees, what else does
he want? And also, I find it quite
demeaning that I have to spend my
time trying to find some fabulous
Well, I'm sure the rich are
suffering without their caviar and
fine wine.


I mean my parents never gave me a
birthday party. Every year, you
know what they said? "You're one
year closer to dying, George.
You're growing fatter George. Oh,
why do we have to get you all that
stuff George." It's like waiting
for the punch in face.
You have any idea what you're
gonna get him?
No idea. That's another thing. As
a person invited to your boss's
birthday party, you sure have a
lot of work to do besides working
for him. You have to spend time
thinking about what you're going
to get this person that controls
your salary. I had always wished
my parents bought me a Rolex or
something that would remind me
that I'm not related to them. It
should be something prestigious
though. Something to appease his
Always the food metaphors.
Well, it seems that whenever you
start talk about something dealing
with food, or dealing with food.
When do I do that?
You just did.
You know, I have enough people
telling me about my faults, I
don't need my friends telling me
about my faults. I know I have


                       GEORGE (cont'd)
faults. I don't need you telling
Let's ask Kramer.
Kramer walks in and sits down in Jerry and George's booth.
Hey guys.
Hey Kramer, let me ask: What are
George's faults?
Uhh, well he's a little on the
chubby side, short when it comes
stature and hair follicle count...
                       GEORGE (standing up)
Ahh, I can't take this. I'm out of
Hey, where ya goin'?
It's Steinbrenner's birthday and I
don't know what to get him.
What about underpants?
No! What?! What are you talking
Well, think about it. He's always
getting these expensive things
right? Well, I'm sure no one has
ever bought him a pair of
underwear. I mean, the wealthy
need the support and comfort that
the common folk need.


Yeah. Thanks. I'll take it into
      (to Jerry)
So, Jerry, is Elaine still going
to meet us at the movie tonight?
I'm not sure. She's been obsessed
with this novel she's writing.
She's been working on it for a
week already. I keep on asking her
what it's about but she keeps
pushing me further away from her
Well. See ya.
                       JERRY (and Kramer)
Yeah goodbye.
Well you sure look happy. What's
Well, I'm not sure if I can tell
Well, why is it some sort of
secret or something?
Well, yeah. How'd you know?
Well, I'm a psychic. I can tell
the future and I know what you're
thinking at all times.
Ahh, come on tell me. I mean, who
am I gonna tell?


No sorry. Can't tell a single
Have you told Newman?
Well, yeah but... Hey! Are you
following me around. Jerry, I know
we're close friends, but whoa
buddy, I need my own space.
Come on. Will you please just tell
Well okay. You know the new
grocery store that opened right
down the street?
Uh yeah. What's it called? Flibbs,
Gibb's Grocery. Yeah. But anyway,
this company contacted me and
Newman. They want us to be a
secret shoppers.
A secret shopper, what's that?
Well, the company pays me to shop
at the store and write a review of
my experience there. The more
things that need to be improved,
the more I get paid.
So, you just write about anything
in the store?
Yep anything.
Hmm. And does the company really
pay you?


Oh Yah! And the best part is, you
can completely make stuff up and
they'll still pay ya for it. I
tell ya Jerry, this is going to be
this best shopping experience
But you've never been to a grocery
store before.
Well that's never stopped me
Jerry and George are sitting on the couch watching
television. The phone rings. Jerry answers.
Hello. Oh, hi Elaine. Why didn't
you meet us at the movie last
night? Still? It's been two weeks!
Well what about tonight? How long
is this going to take? Ok, well
see ya soon. Yeah. Bye
What was that all about? Where was
Well, Elaine is trying to write
the next Great American Novel or
something. She's been working on
it for two weeks straight, that's
why she didn't meet us for the
movie last night.
Hey, you think of anything to get
Steinbrenner yet?
No. And I'm losing sleep over it.
It's not my job, or my girlfriend
that's making me lose sleep. it's


                       GEORGE (cont'd)
my boss. It has to be one of the
most ridiculous things to lose
sleep over.
Well, you are a rather ridiculous
person. What about a CD or concert
No. I don't think so. He's not a
very musical person. He still
thinks Jefferson Airplane is an
airline company based in D.C.
Well what then?
I know! It's so simple. I'll buy
him a Rolex.
A Rolex? You don't have enough
money to pay for that. In fact,
you have such a small amount of
money, that buying a Rolex would
put you into bankrupcy for thirty
Well, think about it Jerry. I get
him a Rolex, he thinks I went
through all this trouble thinking
about him, he promotes me, BOOM,
I'm now George Costanza, Vice
What? You got to be joking.
Hey, How does it sound. Vice
President huh?
      (in a pompous
That's right ladies. I'm a vice
president. I got my own car, my
own house and you are invited


Oh, come on. Stop this fantasy.
You'll never have enough money to
buy one.
      (still with a
       pompous voice)
Well, Jerome it sounds like a
smashing idea. One of the best I
have ever come up with. I'll do
You do know, though, how much a
Rolex costs right?
      (pompous voice
       losing edge)
Of couse I do. They are a
prestigious brand and hence they
come at a prestigious price. And
besides, there are many places in
New York where it is perfectly
reasonable to find a well-priced
Rolex brand watch.
      (now without
       pompous quality)
      (now with the
       pompous tone)
Kramer enters. As he enters, George begins to head towards
the door.
Well, see ya Jerry.
George heads for the door. He is mumbling random things
under his breath.
Hey hey George. Where ya goin'?
I'm trying to find a Rolex or some
other fabulous watch, you know,
for Steinbrenner.


Well, my friend, Bob Sacamano
knows a guy who has a friend who
gets watches really cheap.
Oh yeah, anything you want:
Timex's, Seikos, Omega, he's got
it all.
Do you think he'll have a Rolex?
Oh, sure. You want me to give him
a call?
Yeah, that would be great. Could
you tell him to get it to me by
next Tuesday? Maybe we can meet,
talk, haggle?
Anything you want. Hey, if you
need underwear, I can get that to.
No thanks. Remember, next Tuesday.
You're really not going to follow
through on this are you?
I have to Jerry. If not for myself
then... for my sanity. Can you
give me that, at least?
George leaves.
So, have you done that secret
shopper thing yet?
No, not yet but I learned that
Gibb's Grocery has a spotless


                       KRAMER (cont'd)
record. I mean, everyone who goes
into the store loves it! Well, not
after I'm through with 'em.
So you're going to bring down a
well loved store and get paid for
Oh yeah.
You heartless bastard.
You better believe it.
Elaine is sitting transfixed at her computer. She is typing
rapidly. Suddenly, there is a knock at the door.
Go away.
The knocking continues.
Go away I said.
The knocking becomes louder and faster. Elaine begins to
look annoyed (even more annoyed than usual). She begins to
walk towards the door.
What?! What do you want from me? I
told you politely to go away. Do
you understand English? What is so
important that...
She opens the door.
Hello Elaine.
Jerry, what are you doing here?


Well, you've been cooped up in
here for two weeks. Just checking
to see if you're still alive.
      (calming down)
I wish I was alive Jerry. You know
how hard it is to write a book? I
have no idea how my father ever
did it.
I'm sure the images of his fallen
buddies' exploding heads was a
Yeah. Well anyway, what are you
doing here? Ah! Can you help me?
I'm stuck on this part and I can't
figure out how to continue.
It would be helpful. However,
unfortunately I have no idea what
you're writing.
It's a romance novel.
What? I thought you said you were
writing the next Great American
Yeah, I was. But then I thought
about how hard it was to think of
something really out there, you
know? But I thought it would be
better to write a romance novel.
You're thinking about me when you
write the love scenes, right?
That really hurts my feelings.


Well, if it makes you feel any
better, when I write the death
scenes when I think about you.
And here I always thought you were
such an innocent and caring. Boy,
was I wrong.
Pretty much.
But please will you help me Jerry?
I can't figure out what to do
Well, how far are you?
Look at the screen.
Jerry procedes to go over to the computer screen. On it is a
grocery list.
Well, it would seem that you're
missing a main character. Also a
Oh, Jerry I know.But you don't
know how hard it is. I've been
sitting here typing about a page
and then deleting it. Starting,
then deleting. I'm stuck. Please,
Please, Please! I already set up a
date to talk to somebody from
They are the preimier romance
novel publisher in the country.
Jerry please, I'm meeting them
next week and I have to present
them with something. Please Jerry.
Please, please, please!


Uh, well...
I'll split the advance money with
They gave you an advance?
5,000 dollars.
      (now seemingly
Ok. Uhh, how about two lovers
entangled in battle for their dog?
But then the twist is, it isn't
really their dog.
You're joking right? I mean, it's
a joke. That's a horrible idea.
They would laugh at me and kick me
out of the office.
Jerry heads towards the door.
Oh, Jerry, you can't leave.
Well, it seems my talents are
needed elsewhere.
Oh, I'm sorry Jerry. I didn't mean
it. Please don't go.
Well this is my final idea. Take
it or leave it.
Oh Jerry, I can't make that...
Jerry turns ever so slightly towards the door.


Ok, fine.
Well, what if there is this guy
playing jokes on a woman he has an
attraction for. It turns out that
he does this for every girl, but
in the end he really like this one
so much he stops. They fall in
love, and BADA BIP, Harlequin is
happy, many idiotic housewives are
happy, and you get a national
bestseller on your hands.
And what do you call this
I dunno. 'The Love Jester' or
something like that.
'The Love Jester.' Interesting.
Elaine goes back to her computer and begins to type rapidly.
Another satisfied customer.
Kramer is joined by Newman. They converse before entering
the store.
Now remember: the more that need
to be improved, the more we get
Yes, I know Kramer.
You seem rather confident.
A little known fact. Many years
ago I worked at a grocery store.


                       NEWMAN (cont'd)
One day I was summoned into the
manager's office. I was told that
a secret shopper did not like the
way I handled their groceries.
Well, I got wind of who that
secret shopper was: an elderly
woman by the name of Alice. Well I
tracked down ALICE and let's just
say, she didn't cause anymore
They proceed to walk into the store.
George has just entered his parent's house.
...Well, let's ask George. George,
did you take my latest issue of
Esquire Magazine?
No, why would I do that?
I told you Frank. George isn't
stylish enough to read that
Who said I'm not stylish?
Oh George, you've never been
trendy. I mean look at you. You're
wearing drabby clothes.
I always wear these clothes.
I told you. It was that time we
lost him at Macy's department
store and he ended up in the
women's section. After that, he
couldn't dress worth a crap!


No, it's because you dress the
same way.
SO, you are saying that I am not a
snappy dresser. Listen, I was
wearing these classy clothes since
before the war. I WEAR CLOTHES
Listen, I didn't come here to talk
about clothes. I came here to ask
a question.
What's wrong Georgie? You have
cancer? you're dying? Why didn't
you tell us you were sick? Oh, I
knew this would happen to me! My
son, dying before his parents. Oh
why? why?
No, I'm not sick and I'm no dying,
though that would solve a lot of
Well, what then?
Remember, my fourteenth birthday
and I asked you for a Rolex? Why
didn't you get me one, or some
kind of cheap imitation to shut me
Because you didn't deserve one,
that's why!
Frank, stop yelling!
No, why should he have a Rolex?
You know what I had to use? The
sun! If it's good enough for me,
it's good enough for him!


Stop yelling!
I'll yell whenever I want. You
don't control me!
As his parents fight, George walks out the door quietly.
At a busy streetcorner, a man in a heavy trenchcoat stands
nonchalantly. George carefully approaches.
Uhh, excuse me...
The man glares at George.
...do you sell watches.
                       WATCH DEALER
Yeah, watches or whatever you
DO you happen to have any Rolexes?
                       WATCH DEALER
Rolex? Yeah, lots of those. Here
you go.
The Watch Dealer opens up his trenchcoat to reveal a great
deal of watches all ticking away. He shows George some of
the "Rolex" watches.
I guess I'll take that one. Uhh,
how much is this?
                       WATCH DEALER
Two hundred dollars.


Two hundred dollars! You got to be
kidding me. You're crazy to think
I would pay you two hundred
dollars for this piece of junk.
You got to be crazy.
                       WATCH DEALER
Well, my friend you could always
pay the full price.
George then gives an exacerbated look. Then hands over the
money and walks off.
Quick shots of Kramer and Newman strolling through the
store. An employee stares at them. They stare back at each
other for awhile. They look at each with big grins on their
George is sitting at his desk with a worried look on his
face. His boss, Mr. Wilhem, walks in.
George, how are those reports
Fine. Fine...
Now remember, Mr. Steinnbrenner's
birthday party is on Tuesday.
Yes yes I know!
Hey George, you want to know a
little secret?
George, still looking distracted leans in a little closer as
Wilhelm bends over to whisper into George's ear.
I got him a Rolex.


As Wilhelm walks out of the office, George gives a supressed
...I can't believe he got
Steinbrenner a Rolex. I can't
believe it, I just can't believe
it. This is an outrage!
It's a scandal.
And to think I went through all
this trouble! It's ridiculous
Jerry! Ridiculous!
Elaine enters. George is still fuming.
Hey. So how'd your book end up?
The publisher's hated it.
What? Why?
Well, I walk in with the
manuscript and tell them the basic
premise. And you know what they
Jerry and George shake their heads.
They laugh! They laugh at my book,
right as I'm sitting there in
front of them.
So what are you gonna do now?
I don't know. It doesn't really
matter right now.


You see Jerry, Nothing works out
for anybody. Everything is a
useless gesture.
George begins banging his head on the table. After doing
that he just rest his head on his arms looking like he's
      (to Jerry)
What's wrong with him?
Well, it's Steinbrenner's birthday
and George here bought him a...
      (rolls his eyes)
Rolex and somebody else got
Steinbrenner a Rolex too.
Well, who has the better Rolex?
Elaine, it's George we're talking
about here.
Ahh, well did you ever think about
just switching the watches?
George immediatley brings his head up.
What was that?
Well, if you bought him a Rolex
and this other guy also got a
Rolex, why don;t you switch them
so it looks like you got
Steinmbrenner the better one.
Who's gonna notcie anyway, if
their the exact same watch, you
Elaine, my God you're a genius!
George begins to run towards the door.


Where are you going?
Saving my reputation Jerry!
As Geroge runs out, Kramer walks in wearing a hoodie and
dark sunglasses.
Well, what do we owe this change
in sartorial style?
They're after me Jerry! THEY'RE
Who's after you?
The guys at Gibb's.
Gibb's? Isn't that that new
grocery store down the street? Why
would they be after you?
Well, Kramer became a secret
shopper with Newman, lied about
Gibb's Grocery having all these
problems and now has been found
out. Now they're out for blood.
You gotta help Jerry. They already
got Newman!
Newman is strapped and gagged to a chair. A dozen or so
grocery store employees surround him.
So you get a sick pleasure by
lying about your local grocery
store don'tcha? Think it's funny
to degrade us, huh?


No, it wasn't. I swear!
                       BAG BOY
Well shut up and listen, pig! Do
you think it's a joke to make us
suffer. It's not like we have to
suffer any more with those old
ladies who come in every day.
      (with a mad glint)
You know how horrible it is,
Newman flinches at the sound of his own name.
Now tell us about this Kramer.
Newman struggles against his bounds.
                       BAG BOY
An old woman walks out with a cattle prod.
Remember me?!
The employees and Alice surround Newman. Newman lets out a
You have to hide me Jerry. You
don't understand grocery store
I'm pretty sure it's not that bad.
Besides it's your own fault. How
many lies did you tell anyway?
So many Jerry.
Well you can hide out at my place
for awhile.


Jerry and Elaine are sitting on the couch watching a
Television court show. Jerry is eating a bowl of cereal.
Ever wonder about the people who
appear on these court shows?
No, not really.
I always feel a little sorry for
them. Like, they obviously have
made the stupid mistake of
appearing on national TV and not
only that, they get their asses
handed to them by the judge.
No, I don't think so. I think it's
the other way around. We're the
stupid ones for actually believing
this is a real court show.
What do you mean?
Well, it's not a true court case.
It's just a binding arbiratration.
And how may I ask how you know
something like that?
A homeless man told me.
Jerry's apartment buzzes. Jerry walks towards the door.
It's George.
OK, come on up.
Would you sue me?


      (points to the
And go on one of these shows?
Elaine nods.
Yeah, maybe.
So you would sue me?
Yeah sure.
I'm hurt Jerry.
Not as hurt as George, though.
Would you sue him?
In a minute if I had the chance.
George walks in.
It's over. My days are over!
There's no going back out there.
The end is coming! George is a
nearly done for.
How do you figure?
Steinbrenner's party is tomorrow.
He wanted everyone's gift turned
in early like it's some school
project. And the second he sees
the gift I gave him, WHAM! I'm out
of there.
Still no chance of switching them?
George shakes his head.


That's a real bummer. Well, Jerry
I gotta go. Gotta start a new
draft or something.
Ok, see ya later.
Why Jerry, Why was I amde to live
this life of misery? Can't
anything go well in my life. For
once, can't one thing JUST GO
      (chomping on his
Yeah, it's a shame.
Suddenly, Elaine enters Jerry's apartment again, followed by
Kramer, who looks scared.
What's going...
Hide me! Lock the door Jerry!
What the hell is this?
It's the Gibb's Grocery employees,
They're after me!
Well how do they know you live
Newman must've squealed!
What a surprise.
As Jerry closes the door, there is a loud knocking at
Kramer's door.
KRAMER! KRAMER! We know you're in
there! You can't hide from us.


                       MANAGER (cont'd)
We're grocery men, we know
everything about you! And at the
moment you're least expecting
it... POW, we'll show not to mess
with us.
Kramer gives a sudden lurch.
Remember Kramer. When you least
expect it!
The employees walk away.
Oh, you gotta help me. I can't
walk on my own anymore. I'm a
marked man. One of you needs to
help me.
Jerry and Elaine turn their heads quickly. George however,
catches Kramer's gaze.
Oh, George, buddy you need to help
Kramer I can't, I have
Steinbrenner's birthday tomorrow.
Well, don't you see that's
perfect. A nice big party, no one
will spot me out from the crowd.
A party scene. George and Kramer are mingling among the
crowd. Steinbrenner, sitting a big table, clinks his glass
and begins his announcements.
Hello, Hello, welcome to my
birthday. I'm not gonna tell you
which one it is, I'm rather
self-conscious. Well, anyway, I
like to welcome you all. In a
couple, minutes we will open the
presents. Oh, what am I saying? I
will open the presents.


You will definitely like my
present Mr. Steinbrenner.
You will definitely like my
present Mr. Steinbrenner.
Ahh, Costanza, good man, I know
whatever you get me will be
      (to George)
Hey, George this is some pretty
good food. Hey, also, just so you
know, I got Steinbrenner something
What?! No, Kramer. What did you
get him?
Oh, you'll see.
Outside the stadium, a group of men start gathering. They
head towards the stadium.
Ok everybody. Follow me. We are
going into my office. Going to
open up some presents. It is my
birthday after all.
Steinbrenner and his employees, including George (along with
Kramer) sit in a cirle. Steinbrenner is sitting in the
middle. He begins to open presents one at a time.
OK, let's see what we have. Ahh,
Jeter, nice I always wanted one of
these. Mattingly, you sly devil.
How did you know I wanted one of


      (to Kramer)
Kramer, I really can't stay here.
I have to go.
George, what's the big rush? Come
on, this is the best part.
Kramer, you don't understand. When
Steinbrenner gets to my present,
I'll be the laughing stock of the
whole organization.
It can't be all that bad.
I need a miracle to get through
this night.
Just then, the door flys open.
There he is!
                       BAG BOY
Get him!
Hey. How dare you you interupt!
What is the meaning of this?
Kramer flinches. He tries to hide his face. The grocery men
start chasing Kramer. He tries to dodge and avoid the
onslaught of punches and kicks. In the chaos, George manages
to find his gift, he switches the "To/From" sticker.
The employees manage to capture Kramer.
What are doing?! Where are you
taking me?!
Hmm. Odd fellows. Oh well. Maybe
they left some presents. OK. Whose
next? AH, Costanza. Hmm. This look
small. That can't be good. But


                       STEINBRENNER (cont'd)
then again, small things can be
good. Ok. Constanza's it is.
He opens the gift. Everyone gasps at the contents of the
Jerry and a very tired looking George walk in.
So how was the party?
Oh, Jerry you would never believe
what happened. For once in my
life, just for a few minutes I
knew what it was like to be well
loved. Steinbrenner actually like
the gift: a gorgeous Rolex, with
his name engraved on it.
Wait, you didn't get him that.
Well, he didn't know that, at
first. Once he stopped thanking
me, he actually looked at the
watch. He said it was a fake.
No way. Seriously?
Oh yah. And then here this. the
one I really got, he loved it.
gave my boss a raise and three
week vacation.
And what you get?
And what you get?
All of his work for the next three
Fun. So what happened to Kramer?


As Jerry says this, Kramer walks in, visually shaken.
Jeez, what happened to you?
I love grocery store employees,
Jerry. They are our friends.
The grocery store employee is our
friend. Friend.
      (to Jerry)
They must've got to him.
Kramer. Kramer! Wake up!
Kramer shakes himself awake.
Nmpf! Oh, hey guys. Hey, where am
In Hell. You've been a bad boy.
Oh. Well, I'm gone.
Hey, where are you going?
Uh, I don't know, but I feel like
grocery shopping.
Steinbrenner is sitting in his office. He finds one gift
laying on his desk.
Hmmm. What's this?
He looks at the card.


Kramer. Hmm. Don't know any
Kramer's. Well, let's see what it
is. Underwear?! Wow! I really
needed that!
I realize that people are
sensitive to how others percieve
them. But what is so ridiculous
about this is that sometimes
people will go to enormous lengths
to keep up these appearances. But
really, who cares. Oh, you spent
$10,000 on that watch? Wow, what a
waste of money! $180,000 for that
pinky toe ring? Come on. Just give
me a ten dollar watch and a pair
of jeans and I'm on my way.


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From ralph keefer Date 12/22/2008 ****
Verr yVery funny..

From Joe Date 3/19/2007 ****

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