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The Really, Really, Really, Really Big News Show (Short)
by Nick Chaffey (murrayman14ni@yahoo.co.uk)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review: **1/2
A spoof news show set around the events in Weston, a seaside town in the south of England.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

INT. NEWS STUDIO - DAY
                                                            
Nick and Edd are silhouetted against a blue background.
                                                            
                       V/O
Direct from the Westcliff morgue,
its...
                                                            
The shows animated logo is displayed on the screen.
                                                            
                       V/O
...the Really, Really,
Really...Really...BIG NEWS SHOW!
                                                            
The Narrator then proceeds to introduce each member of the
news team. As each name is announced, a brief clip of that
member is displayed. They each strike a pose relative to
their job.
                                                            
                       V/O
With anchormen Nick Chaffey

and Edd Mole;

James Thompsett, International
Affairs;

Will Lourdelet, Sports;

Dan Crosfield and Monish Kelly,
Entertainment;

and Rich Chapman, Special Reports.
                                                            
The lights now alter to clearly show Nick and Edd at the
news desk, ready to report.
                                                            
                       V/O
Now LET'S...GET...NEWSING!
                                                            
                       NICK
Good evening, welcome to the show.
I'm Nick Chaffey.
                                                            
                       EDD
And I'm Edd Mole.
                                                            
                       NICK
In the news today...
                                                            

2.

We see a montage of clips related to the announced news
stories.
                                                            
                       NICK
Violent seagull attacks on chavs.
Is it a good omen?
                                                            
                       EDD
World-famous town brothel closed
due to asbestos.
                                                            
                       NICK
And we'll have an exclusive look
at the new music video from The
Sunshine Lickers.
                                                            
The shows theme music is played briefly.
                                                            
                       EDD
We'll be right back after these
messages.
                                                            
 
EXT. TOWN CENTRE - DAY
                                                            
A representative for Dix Beer stands in a busy High Street,
holding a bottle of the aforementioned beer.
                                                            
                       DIX MAN
Just what is it about the taste of
Dix that has people gagging for
more? We went to the streets to
find out.
                                                            
We are shown a series of voxpops, with members of the public
explaining why they enjoy the beer, referring to its robust
flavour, fizzy sensation, etc.
After 20 seconds or so, we jump cut to a close-up of a
bottle of Dix Beer.
                                                            
                       DIX MAN
      (Off-screen)
Dix Beer.
Get it inside you!
                                                            
 
INT. NEWS STUDIO - DAY
                                                            
The shows returns to the air. To fully comply with the
advertising conditions, the two anchormen are drinking
bottles of Dix.
                                                            

3.

                       NICK
Ahh, that's the stuff! You like
Dix, Edd?
                                                            
                       EDD
Ha, you know me. I love cock!
                                                            
Nick double-takes, then corrects Edd.
                                                            
                       NICK
Err, Dix.
                                                            
                       EDD
      (Realising his
       error)
That's...that's what I said. I
love Dix.
                                                            
PAUSE
                                                            
                       EDD
Dammit, I'm not gay!
                                                            
                       NICK
And now let's go to Will Lourdelet
with the sport!
                                                            
 
INT. SPORTS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
The Sports Room is full of gym equipment. Will stands in the
middle, holding his notes and raring to go.
                                                            
                       WILL
ALRIGHT! SPORT NEWS!
                                                            
He coughs.
                                                            
                       WILL
Anyway, it was an interesting day
in the world of hockey. Grass
hockey, that is, when
recently-voted 'Greatest Player
Ever' Ryan Gymball tripped and
decapitated himself with his own
stick.
Paramedics persevered with
treatment though, and the athlete
was soon back on his feet...which
are situated where his hands used
to be as these images show.
                                                            

4.

Some badly drawn cartoon images detail Ryan Gymball's new
anatomy.
                                                            
                       WILL
In other sports related deaths,
Manchester United manager Sir Alex
Ferguson was declared deceased for
a full five minutes after choking
on yet another piece of gum.
Experts hypothesise that the many
years he has spent punishing his
digestive system with the minty
foodstuff are finally coming back
to haunt him.
Other experts say that these first
experts are high.

And elsewhere there some football
going on, both kinds. Some rugby
and probably some wrestling too,
but, quite frankly, I don't give a
shit about all of that.
Back to you, guys.
                                                            
 
INT. NEWS STUDIO - DAY
                                                            
Back to Nick and Edd.
                                                            
                       NICK
Thanks, Will...You any good at
'playing the field'?
                                                            
                       WILL
Well...Yeah, I'd say I am.
                                                            
                       EDD
How much out of ten?
                                                            
                       WILL
Uh, I'd say...8.
                                                            
                       NICK
8?
                                                            
                       WILL
Yeah, what about you two?
                                                            
Edd looks uncomfortable.
                                                            
                       NICK
I'd go with 10.
                                                            

5.

                       WILL
10!?
                                                            
                       NICK
Yeah, I'm a fuckin' master!
                                                            
Nick turns to the camera.
                                                            
                       NICK
In more ways than one.
                                                            
An uncomfortable pause.
                                                            
                       NICK
Anyway...still to come:
                                                            
Once again, we see the montage of top stories.
                                                            
                       NICK
Violent seagull attacks on chavs.
                                                            
                       EDD
Town brothel closed due to
asbestos.
                                                            
                       NICK
And the new music video from The
Sunshine Lickers.
                                                            
Show theme played.
                                                            
                       NICK
So, Edd. You wanna know what's
been happening in the world of
showbiz?
                                                            
                       EDD
      (Enthusiastically)
Do I!
                                                            
                       NICK
Well, then let's go to Monish and
Dan with the Entertainment
section!
                                                            
 
INT. ENTERTAINMENT DESK - DAY
                                                            
A fancy graphic is displayed on the screen which is
accompanied by some techno music, heralding the start of the
Entertainment section.
                                                            

6.

                       DAN
Hey there. I'm Dan!
                                                            
                       MONISH
And I'm Monish...or am I?
                                                            
                       DAN
(Laughs) Amnesiacs are funny!
(Sighs) Well, this is a special
edition of our section because we
scored an interview!
                                                            
                       MONISH
Did we?
                                                            
                       DAN
Yes, with hot new director Vincent
Lowe!
                                                            
                       MONISH
      (Turns to camera)
Wow!
                                                            
                       DAN
And as the sane person of this
double double act, I went to meet
him in his hotel room.
                                                            
Pause.
                                                            
                       DAN
Nothing happened.
                                                            
 
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Dan sits in a chair with a collection of sheets of paper.
Vince Lowe sits opposite him.
Dan probes Vince with a series of idiotic questions about
his latest film, 'The Doors', often confusing the film with
the band of the same name.
Due to the nature of the editing of this scene, Dan's
nodding shots will be greatly exaggerated.
                                                            
This scene will be improvised, apart from the ending line.
                                                            
                       DAN
So, back to you in the studio!
                                                            
 

7.

INT. NEWS STUDIO - DAY
                                                            
                       EDD
Thanks, Dan, for
that...interesting piece of work.
                                                            
Nick places a hand to his right ear, listening to a message
from the shows producer.
                                                            
                       EDD
You know, it's good to see that he
hasn't disappeared up his own arse
like most directors do after they
hit the big time. His
soft...toned...perfect..ar-
                                                            
                       NICK
      (Interrupting)
I'm going to have to interrupt you
there, Edd. We now go live to
James Thompsett in Toho Bay,
Japan, where some peculiar events
are taking place. James?
                                                            
Throughout this section, the screen will continuously shift
between a mid-shot of James and a mixture of that shot and a
shot of Nick at the main news desk, as in any normal news
program.
                                                            
                       JAMES
      (In a bizarre
       vocal style)
Hello?
                                                            
                       NICK
James? You're sounding a little
strange there.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Well, that's probably due to the
object that's currently being dug
out of the ground behind me.
                                                            
                       NICK
Which is?
                                                            
                       JAMES
A detonated string of nuclear
bacon.
                                                            
                       NICK
(Pauses) Would care to explain
just what nuclear bacon is?
                                                            

8.

                       JAMES
Well, it's bacon...but nuclear.
                                                            
                       NICK
You don't say?
                                                            
                       JAMES
I do say, but the fact that it
exploded in the vicinity of around
5,000 people isn't the point. This
stuff is almost harmless.
                                                            
                       NICK
Almost harmless?
                                                            
                       JAMES
Well, no one has, so far, died
from wither the explosion or the
radiation released from the
devices, but there have been many
reports of mutation.
                                                            
Nick looks horrified, but composed.
                                                            
                       NICK
Mutations?
                                                            
                       JAMES
That's right. The mixture of
chemicals in this particular bacon
have already mutated my vocal
chords, hence the bizarre dialect
I'm speaking to you in.
                                                            
                       NICK
Which is constantly altering.
                                                            
                       JAMES
I'm aware of that. Now, the
clean-up operation is alre-
                                                            
James' attention is held by an off-screen object, behind the
camera.
                                                            
                       JAMES
      (Quietly)
Holy shit!
                                                            
                       NICK
James? What's going on?
                                                            
                       JAMES
Holy shit! IT'S GODZILLA!
                                                            

9.

He runs off, the camera follows.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Shit shit shit!
                                                            
The image disappears and switches to white noise.
Nick and Edd are silent for a brief moment, then slowly
become calm and continue with the show.
                                                            
                       NICK
Well, we seem to have lost the
picture there. Uh, well we'll just
keep on going and...HOPEFULLY we
can regain contact later.
                                                            
                       EDD
So, what's next?
                                                            
Nick looks slightly distracted.
                                                            
                       NICK
Mmm? Oh, I'm not sure. Let me
just...
                                                            
He rummages around with the paper on the desk.
                                                            
                       NICK
Umm...aha!
                                                            
                       NICK
      (To camera)
Camera 2 please.
                                                            
Cut to camera 2. Nick turns to the new camera, posing for a
few seconds, before starting the opening lines.
                                                            
                       NICK
Now, over the years our home town
has come under a great deal of
criticism for many reasons.
The weather. The beach. The
copious amounts of old people that
are simply too ugly to look at.
That everyone loves the Wurzels
except me, despite it being a
well-known fact that they SUCK!
Well, could it all stem from one
problem? The answer may surprise
you, as we present a special
report by Rich Chapman entitled:
"Weston, it's full of drugs".
                                                            
 

10.

EXT. WESTON BEACH - DAY
                                                            
We cut to a mid-shot of Rich, who speaks to the camera.
                                                            
                       RICH
Yes, there are many reasons for
hating Weston. And most of them
are justified. But is it residents
that are at fault, or the land
itself?
I made it my aim to discover the
truth.
                                                            
The title appears in a plain but bold font:
'Weston'
The subtitle fades in to join the main title, but is in a
fancy, italic type:
'It's full of drugs.'
                                                            
 
EXT. RETIREMENT HOME - DAY
                                                            
                       RICH
      (Voice-over)
I began my journey at the source
of what many people say is
Weston's main problem: old people.
                                                            
Rich now appears on-screen and walks over to a table which
is topped with various handheld devices, which are being
examined by a Scientist.
                                                            
                       RICH
This is John McCullum, PhB, who
will be helping me with
sciency-type stuff in this
investigation.
                                                            
Scientist nods towards the camera.
                                                            
                       RICH
So, where do we start?
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST
Well, everyone knows that old
people are constantly complaining
about something or other, and
we're here to see if the reason is
scientific.
                                                            
                       RICH
I see. So, are these hazmat suits
necessary?
                                                            

11.

                       SCIENTIST
Absolutely. Old people are
notoriously unpleasant to work
with, so we're taking the
necessary precautions to avoid any
infections or diseases.
                                                            
                       RICH
Like Syphilis?
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST
Like Syphilis.
                                                            
 
INT. RETIREMENT HOME - DAY
                                                            
This scene will consist of shots of Rich and the Scientist
examining the old people in the home (as well as the nurses)
using the devices.
                                                            
                       RICH
      (Voiceover)
We then proceeded to check out the
oldies, keeping our eyes peeled
for traces of...stuff.
                                                            
 
EXT. RETIREMENT HOME - DAY
                                                            
Rich and the Scientist are back outside at the table, with
some sheets of paper showing the results of the tests.
                                                            
                       RICH
So, John, what did we get?
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST
      (Holding up a
       scattergraph)
Well, as these results show,
there's a strong correlation
between the saliva they eject
whilst talking and the medication
many of them take.
                                                            
A brief close-up of the scattergraph shows that the dots
are the the shape of a smiley face.
                                                            
                       RICH
I see.
                                                            
Long pause.
                                                            

12.

                       SCIENTIST
...So the next logical step would
be to examine the pills.
                                                            
                       RICH
Okay, let's do that then.
                                                            
                                         CHEESY FLIP
TRANSITION
                                                            
The table is now taken up by scales, a cheese grater and
many other cooking instruments. An assortment of pills are
displayed in the centre.
                                                            
                       RICH
So, any findings?
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST
Well, incredibly, the tests are
showing some major similarities
between these pills...
                                                            
He ducks down below the table, and comes back up with an
anonymous object.
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST
...and this eight-ball of cocaine.
                                                            
                       RICH
Fascinating. So where do we go
from here?
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST
It would be best, I think, to
return to the person who supplied
me with this dope, and quiz him
about how he obtained it to begin
with.
                                                            
                       RICH
      (Voiceover)
And for that, we'd need to go
undercover.
                                                            
A brief clip shows the preparation of the undercover
equipment.
Namely, Rich hiding under the Scientist's coat with a
camcorder as they walk into the crack den.
                                                            
 

13.

INT. CRACK DEN - DAY
                                                            
Improvised scene in which the drug dealer (Will) claims he
'found' the cocaine on the beach.
                                                            
 
EXT. WESTON BEACH - DAY
                                                            
                       RICH
      (Voiceover)
It was at the beach that we came
across a new problem.
                                                            
                       RICH
Just to recap events that occurred
off-camera. Um...during the ride
over here...I accidentally snorted
the cocaine that we had as
evidence. So what we plan to do
now is wait for someone to do
drugs on the beach, and when they
do...we'll mug 'em and, er, steal
their hash, or whatever.
                                                            
                       RICH
      (Voiceover)
And so we waited. And waited.
And played some bridge, which
ended in violence...and we waited
some more.
Until, eventually, we got one.
                                                            
We see a scene in which Rich and the Scientist mug a heroin
user, and steal his syringe.
We then join Rich and the Scientist back at the table of
instruments.
                                                            
                       RICH
So, John, now that we have a new
sample of drugs...what next?
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST
Well, my next step is compare the
heroin we acquired with the sea
water on this beach.
                                                            
                       RICH
And you would need a sample of sea
water to do that?
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST
...Ideally, yes.
                                                            

14.

The Scientist stares at Rich.
                                                            
                       RICH
...What?
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST
Rich, I'm a man of science.
There's no way in hell I'm getting
MY ass wet.
                                                            
Long pause
                                                            
                       RICH
...Right, hold on.
                                                            
Rich picks up a beaker from the table and walks off-screen.
He returns a few seconds later sopping wet, with the beaker
full of a muddy liquid.
                                                            
                       RICH
There you go.
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST
Right, so now I have to examine
the components of the water in
great detail, and to do that I
need to freeze it.
                                                            
                       RICH
And would a man of science such as
yourself do that?
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST
Well, I'm going to use this
microwave.
                                                            
                       RICH
The microwave?
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST
Yeah, I'm just going to put it on
the 'cold' setting.
                                                            
                       RICH
Ah, I see.
                                                            
The Scientist puts the beaker of water into the microwave,
and turns it on.
                                                            
                       DIX MAN
Okay, that should take about five
minutes.
                                                            

15.

                                         CHEESY FLIP
TRANSITION
                                                            
The Scientist removes a block of ice that looks suspiciously
like a chunk of polystyrene from the microwave.
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST
Now, Rich, as you're about to
feel, this ice is very heavy.
                                                            
The Scientist hits Rich across the face with the ice. Rich
kneels over, clutching his nose and mouth.
                                                            
                       RICH
Woah! That is...that IS heavy! I
think I lost a couple of IQ points
there!
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST
Well, that's probably because this
ice is twice as heavy compared to
what frozen sea water should be.
                                                            
                       RICH
Uh huh.
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST
And yet it only contains 25% of
the average salt content of
average sea water.
                                                            
                       RICH
I see. So, what happened to the
other 60%?
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST
Well, that's been replaced by
another substance.
                                                            
                       RICH
Which is?
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST
I think you can guess.
                                                            
Long pause, during which Rich looks thoughtful.
                                                            
                       RICH
      (Spoken)
Gasp!
                                                            
The scene freezes.
                                                            

16.

                       RICH
      (Voiceover)
And that's when it hit me...the
sea is made of heroin.
                                                            
Cut to a interview style angle of the previous shot.
                                                            
                       RICH
So, pop quiz. It's a hot day,
you're on the beach, you fancy a
swim. What symptoms would a person
show after subjecting themselves
to that?
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST
Well, firstly your voice will
adopt what we sciency people call,
'the farmer accent', which is one
of the annoying sounds ever known
to man.
Secondly, you'll begin to show
increased anger in even the most
menial of everyday tasks.
And finally, you'll start to show
an inexplicable love for the music
of the Wurzels.
                                                            
                       RICH
So, every standard aspect of a
citizen of Weston then?
                                                            
The Scientist nods, and Rich wistfully looks out to sea.
                                                            
Cut to a shot of the sun going down on the sea.
                                                            
                       RICH
      (Voiceover)
The next logical step would've
been to rally together celebrities
to raise awareness for our aim to
clean up the beach of Weston.
But at that point it was getting
late, and I wanted to get home to
my prostitute girlfriend, whom I
had met earlier.
Time will tell if it was a good
decision.
I'm getting tested for STDs
tomorrow.
                                                            
                                         FADE OUT
                                                            
 

17.

INT. NEWS STUDIO - DAY
                                                            
                       NICK
Rich Chapman, there with some
shocking discoveries.
                                                            
                       EDD
You know, I think it's a strange
coincidence that that drug dealer
looked so much like Will!
                                                            
                       NICK
Yeah, I noticed that too! What do
you think Will? Something you're
not telling us?
                                                            
                       WILL
      (Nervous)
Uh...no. No! Not at all!
                                                            
                       NICK
Okay, so that's all for this week-
                                                            
                       EDD
Wait a second. Are we gonna check
back on James?
                                                            
                       NICK
Um, well I guess we could do that.
                                                            
The scene cuts to a scene amid a lot of rubble, where a
monster is about to eat James.
The scene cuts back quickly, much to the confusion of Nick
and Edd.
                                                            
                       NICK
Uh...okay...
Anyway, a reminder of the top
stories:
                                                            
We see the clip montage one last time.
                                                            
                       NICK
Violent seagull attacks on chavs
said to be "a good omen".
                                                            
                       EDD
Brothel-closing asbestos citied as
arson.
                                                            
Cut back to the news desk.
                                                            

18.

                       NICK
And now, as promised, our
exclusive sneak peek at the new
single from The Sunshine Lickers.
                                                            
We quickly see roughly one second of footage from a music
video.
                                                            
                       EDD
...Has been drastically cut short
due to copyright difficulties.
                                                            
                       NICK
We'll see you next week.
                                                            
The shows theme plays once more and the lights dim, reducing
Nick and Edd to silhouettes.
The credits roll at a very high speed.
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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From carlos lopez Date 9/20/2007 **1/2
I enjoyed it. Very "Monty Python" esque. Needs some work on dialouge. Good job, though.


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