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The Really, Really, Really, Really Big News Show (Short)
by Nick Chaffey (murrayman14ni@yahoo.co.uk)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review: **1/2
A spoof news show set around the events in Weston, a seaside town in the south of England.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


Nick and Edd are silhouetted against a blue background.
Direct from the Westcliff morgue,
The shows animated logo is displayed on the screen.
...the Really, Really,
Really...Really...BIG NEWS SHOW!
The Narrator then proceeds to introduce each member of the
news team. As each name is announced, a brief clip of that
member is displayed. They each strike a pose relative to
their job.
With anchormen Nick Chaffey

and Edd Mole;

James Thompsett, International

Will Lourdelet, Sports;

Dan Crosfield and Monish Kelly,

and Rich Chapman, Special Reports.
The lights now alter to clearly show Nick and Edd at the
news desk, ready to report.
Good evening, welcome to the show.
I'm Nick Chaffey.
And I'm Edd Mole.
In the news today...


We see a montage of clips related to the announced news
Violent seagull attacks on chavs.
Is it a good omen?
World-famous town brothel closed
due to asbestos.
And we'll have an exclusive look
at the new music video from The
Sunshine Lickers.
The shows theme music is played briefly.
We'll be right back after these
A representative for Dix Beer stands in a busy High Street,
holding a bottle of the aforementioned beer.
                       DIX MAN
Just what is it about the taste of
Dix that has people gagging for
more? We went to the streets to
find out.
We are shown a series of voxpops, with members of the public
explaining why they enjoy the beer, referring to its robust
flavour, fizzy sensation, etc.
After 20 seconds or so, we jump cut to a close-up of a
bottle of Dix Beer.
                       DIX MAN
Dix Beer.
Get it inside you!
The shows returns to the air. To fully comply with the
advertising conditions, the two anchormen are drinking
bottles of Dix.


Ahh, that's the stuff! You like
Dix, Edd?
Ha, you know me. I love cock!
Nick double-takes, then corrects Edd.
Err, Dix.
      (Realising his
That's...that's what I said. I
love Dix.
Dammit, I'm not gay!
And now let's go to Will Lourdelet
with the sport!
The Sports Room is full of gym equipment. Will stands in the
middle, holding his notes and raring to go.
He coughs.
Anyway, it was an interesting day
in the world of hockey. Grass
hockey, that is, when
recently-voted 'Greatest Player
Ever' Ryan Gymball tripped and
decapitated himself with his own
Paramedics persevered with
treatment though, and the athlete
was soon back on his feet...which
are situated where his hands used
to be as these images show.


Some badly drawn cartoon images detail Ryan Gymball's new
In other sports related deaths,
Manchester United manager Sir Alex
Ferguson was declared deceased for
a full five minutes after choking
on yet another piece of gum.
Experts hypothesise that the many
years he has spent punishing his
digestive system with the minty
foodstuff are finally coming back
to haunt him.
Other experts say that these first
experts are high.

And elsewhere there some football
going on, both kinds. Some rugby
and probably some wrestling too,
but, quite frankly, I don't give a
shit about all of that.
Back to you, guys.
Back to Nick and Edd.
Thanks, Will...You any good at
'playing the field'?
Well...Yeah, I'd say I am.
How much out of ten?
Uh, I'd say...8.
Yeah, what about you two?
Edd looks uncomfortable.
I'd go with 10.


Yeah, I'm a fuckin' master!
Nick turns to the camera.
In more ways than one.
An uncomfortable pause.
Anyway...still to come:
Once again, we see the montage of top stories.
Violent seagull attacks on chavs.
Town brothel closed due to
And the new music video from The
Sunshine Lickers.
Show theme played.
So, Edd. You wanna know what's
been happening in the world of
Do I!
Well, then let's go to Monish and
Dan with the Entertainment
A fancy graphic is displayed on the screen which is
accompanied by some techno music, heralding the start of the
Entertainment section.


Hey there. I'm Dan!
And I'm Monish...or am I?
(Laughs) Amnesiacs are funny!
(Sighs) Well, this is a special
edition of our section because we
scored an interview!
Did we?
Yes, with hot new director Vincent
      (Turns to camera)
And as the sane person of this
double double act, I went to meet
him in his hotel room.
Nothing happened.
Dan sits in a chair with a collection of sheets of paper.
Vince Lowe sits opposite him.
Dan probes Vince with a series of idiotic questions about
his latest film, 'The Doors', often confusing the film with
the band of the same name.
Due to the nature of the editing of this scene, Dan's
nodding shots will be greatly exaggerated.
This scene will be improvised, apart from the ending line.
So, back to you in the studio!


Thanks, Dan, for
that...interesting piece of work.
Nick places a hand to his right ear, listening to a message
from the shows producer.
You know, it's good to see that he
hasn't disappeared up his own arse
like most directors do after they
hit the big time. His
I'm going to have to interrupt you
there, Edd. We now go live to
James Thompsett in Toho Bay,
Japan, where some peculiar events
are taking place. James?
Throughout this section, the screen will continuously shift
between a mid-shot of James and a mixture of that shot and a
shot of Nick at the main news desk, as in any normal news
      (In a bizarre
       vocal style)
James? You're sounding a little
strange there.
Well, that's probably due to the
object that's currently being dug
out of the ground behind me.
Which is?
A detonated string of nuclear
(Pauses) Would care to explain
just what nuclear bacon is?


Well, it's bacon...but nuclear.
You don't say?
I do say, but the fact that it
exploded in the vicinity of around
5,000 people isn't the point. This
stuff is almost harmless.
Almost harmless?
Well, no one has, so far, died
from wither the explosion or the
radiation released from the
devices, but there have been many
reports of mutation.
Nick looks horrified, but composed.
That's right. The mixture of
chemicals in this particular bacon
have already mutated my vocal
chords, hence the bizarre dialect
I'm speaking to you in.
Which is constantly altering.
I'm aware of that. Now, the
clean-up operation is alre-
James' attention is held by an off-screen object, behind the
Holy shit!
James? What's going on?
Holy shit! IT'S GODZILLA!


He runs off, the camera follows.
Shit shit shit!
The image disappears and switches to white noise.
Nick and Edd are silent for a brief moment, then slowly
become calm and continue with the show.
Well, we seem to have lost the
picture there. Uh, well we'll just
keep on going and...HOPEFULLY we
can regain contact later.
So, what's next?
Nick looks slightly distracted.
Mmm? Oh, I'm not sure. Let me
He rummages around with the paper on the desk.
      (To camera)
Camera 2 please.
Cut to camera 2. Nick turns to the new camera, posing for a
few seconds, before starting the opening lines.
Now, over the years our home town
has come under a great deal of
criticism for many reasons.
The weather. The beach. The
copious amounts of old people that
are simply too ugly to look at.
That everyone loves the Wurzels
except me, despite it being a
well-known fact that they SUCK!
Well, could it all stem from one
problem? The answer may surprise
you, as we present a special
report by Rich Chapman entitled:
"Weston, it's full of drugs".


We cut to a mid-shot of Rich, who speaks to the camera.
Yes, there are many reasons for
hating Weston. And most of them
are justified. But is it residents
that are at fault, or the land
I made it my aim to discover the
The title appears in a plain but bold font:
The subtitle fades in to join the main title, but is in a
fancy, italic type:
'It's full of drugs.'
I began my journey at the source
of what many people say is
Weston's main problem: old people.
Rich now appears on-screen and walks over to a table which
is topped with various handheld devices, which are being
examined by a Scientist.
This is John McCullum, PhB, who
will be helping me with
sciency-type stuff in this
Scientist nods towards the camera.
So, where do we start?
Well, everyone knows that old
people are constantly complaining
about something or other, and
we're here to see if the reason is
I see. So, are these hazmat suits


Absolutely. Old people are
notoriously unpleasant to work
with, so we're taking the
necessary precautions to avoid any
infections or diseases.
Like Syphilis?
Like Syphilis.
This scene will consist of shots of Rich and the Scientist
examining the old people in the home (as well as the nurses)
using the devices.
We then proceeded to check out the
oldies, keeping our eyes peeled
for traces of...stuff.
Rich and the Scientist are back outside at the table, with
some sheets of paper showing the results of the tests.
So, John, what did we get?
      (Holding up a
Well, as these results show,
there's a strong correlation
between the saliva they eject
whilst talking and the medication
many of them take.
A brief close-up of the scattergraph shows that the dots
are the the shape of a smiley face.
I see.
Long pause.


...So the next logical step would
be to examine the pills.
Okay, let's do that then.
                                         CHEESY FLIP
The table is now taken up by scales, a cheese grater and
many other cooking instruments. An assortment of pills are
displayed in the centre.
So, any findings?
Well, incredibly, the tests are
showing some major similarities
between these pills...
He ducks down below the table, and comes back up with an
anonymous object.
...and this eight-ball of cocaine.
Fascinating. So where do we go
from here?
It would be best, I think, to
return to the person who supplied
me with this dope, and quiz him
about how he obtained it to begin
And for that, we'd need to go
A brief clip shows the preparation of the undercover
Namely, Rich hiding under the Scientist's coat with a
camcorder as they walk into the crack den.


Improvised scene in which the drug dealer (Will) claims he
'found' the cocaine on the beach.
It was at the beach that we came
across a new problem.
Just to recap events that occurred
off-camera. Um...during the ride
over here...I accidentally snorted
the cocaine that we had as
evidence. So what we plan to do
now is wait for someone to do
drugs on the beach, and when they
do...we'll mug 'em and, er, steal
their hash, or whatever.
And so we waited. And waited.
And played some bridge, which
ended in violence...and we waited
some more.
Until, eventually, we got one.
We see a scene in which Rich and the Scientist mug a heroin
user, and steal his syringe.
We then join Rich and the Scientist back at the table of
So, John, now that we have a new
sample of drugs...what next?
Well, my next step is compare the
heroin we acquired with the sea
water on this beach.
And you would need a sample of sea
water to do that?
...Ideally, yes.


The Scientist stares at Rich.
Rich, I'm a man of science.
There's no way in hell I'm getting
MY ass wet.
Long pause
...Right, hold on.
Rich picks up a beaker from the table and walks off-screen.
He returns a few seconds later sopping wet, with the beaker
full of a muddy liquid.
There you go.
Right, so now I have to examine
the components of the water in
great detail, and to do that I
need to freeze it.
And would a man of science such as
yourself do that?
Well, I'm going to use this
The microwave?
Yeah, I'm just going to put it on
the 'cold' setting.
Ah, I see.
The Scientist puts the beaker of water into the microwave,
and turns it on.
                       DIX MAN
Okay, that should take about five


                                         CHEESY FLIP
The Scientist removes a block of ice that looks suspiciously
like a chunk of polystyrene from the microwave.
Now, Rich, as you're about to
feel, this ice is very heavy.
The Scientist hits Rich across the face with the ice. Rich
kneels over, clutching his nose and mouth.
Woah! That is...that IS heavy! I
think I lost a couple of IQ points
Well, that's probably because this
ice is twice as heavy compared to
what frozen sea water should be.
Uh huh.
And yet it only contains 25% of
the average salt content of
average sea water.
I see. So, what happened to the
other 60%?
Well, that's been replaced by
another substance.
Which is?
I think you can guess.
Long pause, during which Rich looks thoughtful.
The scene freezes.


And that's when it hit me...the
sea is made of heroin.
Cut to a interview style angle of the previous shot.
So, pop quiz. It's a hot day,
you're on the beach, you fancy a
swim. What symptoms would a person
show after subjecting themselves
to that?
Well, firstly your voice will
adopt what we sciency people call,
'the farmer accent', which is one
of the annoying sounds ever known
to man.
Secondly, you'll begin to show
increased anger in even the most
menial of everyday tasks.
And finally, you'll start to show
an inexplicable love for the music
of the Wurzels.
So, every standard aspect of a
citizen of Weston then?
The Scientist nods, and Rich wistfully looks out to sea.
Cut to a shot of the sun going down on the sea.
The next logical step would've
been to rally together celebrities
to raise awareness for our aim to
clean up the beach of Weston.
But at that point it was getting
late, and I wanted to get home to
my prostitute girlfriend, whom I
had met earlier.
Time will tell if it was a good
I'm getting tested for STDs
                                         FADE OUT


Rich Chapman, there with some
shocking discoveries.
You know, I think it's a strange
coincidence that that drug dealer
looked so much like Will!
Yeah, I noticed that too! What do
you think Will? Something you're
not telling us?
Uh...no. No! Not at all!
Okay, so that's all for this week-
Wait a second. Are we gonna check
back on James?
Um, well I guess we could do that.
The scene cuts to a scene amid a lot of rubble, where a
monster is about to eat James.
The scene cuts back quickly, much to the confusion of Nick
and Edd.
Anyway, a reminder of the top
We see the clip montage one last time.
Violent seagull attacks on chavs
said to be "a good omen".
Brothel-closing asbestos citied as
Cut back to the news desk.


And now, as promised, our
exclusive sneak peek at the new
single from The Sunshine Lickers.
We quickly see roughly one second of footage from a music
...Has been drastically cut short
due to copyright difficulties.
We'll see you next week.
The shows theme plays once more and the lights dim, reducing
Nick and Edd to silhouettes.
The credits roll at a very high speed.


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From carlos lopez Date 9/20/2007 **1/2
I enjoyed it. Very "Monty Python" esque. Needs some work on dialouge. Good job, though.

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