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Nothing from Nowhere
by kyle (kyledx@hotmail.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review:
NOT YET
RATED

Small stories all connect one after another.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

INT. THE DREAM - DAY
                                                            
The setting is a medium sized apartment. There is a chair
and couch in the living room. The living room is connected
to a kitchen. BOBBY is sitting in the chair. MARK and VANCE
are sitting on the couch and MICKY is sitting on a kitchen
table chair facing the living room.
                                                            
                       MARK
I'm sorry guys, I can't feel the
band vibe.
                                                            
                       MICKY
Don't you back out now, we've been
practicing for weeks.
                                                            
                       MARK
There's something missing though.
It doesn't feel like a tight band
to me.
                                                            
                       BOBBY
      (playing guitar
       riffs)
Mark, members usually leave after
a band gets famous. Quit being a
pussy.
                                                            
                       VANCE
I say we start doing alot of
drugs.
                                                            
Everybody stares at Vance in silence.
                                                            
                       MICKY
Are you nuts?
                                                            
                       VANCE
Think about it. Look at all the
great old rock and roll bands.
Look at how much of them did lots
of heavy drugs and drinking.
                                                            
                       BOBBY
And look at how many of them are
dead.
                                                            

2.

                       VANCE
But that was the attitude. They
didn't care and look at how they
are worshipped now.
                                                            
                       BOBBY
You're wrong. Drugs don't make
good music. You actually have to
have some musical talant in you.
                                                            
                       VANCE
Let's get real though. We just
have to have the badass image. The
music isn't even the main
priority. If Micky gets up on
stage and starts singing while
looking dangerous, girls won't
even realise their legs are
opening.
                                                            
                       MARK
I'm with Vance.
                                                            
                       BOBBY
You fucking weak mind.
                                                            
                       MARK
Hey, I think it might loosen me
up.
                                                            
                       MICKY
Well if Mark is in I can't back
out now.
                                                            
                       VANCE
      (looks toward
       Bobby)
Bobby?
                                                            
                       BOBBY
Dude, we haven't even smoked weed
before.
                                                            
The excitement stops.
                                                            
                       MICKY
That's right, where the hell do
you get weed anyways?
                                                            
                       BOBBY
Vance?
                                                            

3.

                       VANCE
How about that hippy in the park?
                                                            
                       BOBBY
You're gonna buy weed from someone
you don't even know?
                                                            
                       VANCE
He's a hippy man. He loves
everyone, we're already his
brothers.
                                                            
                       BOBBY
He talks to himself, so no fucking
way.
                                                            
                       VANCE
      (stands up)
Well maybe I'm the only one with
the right attitude huh? I don't
care what happens to me! Haaaaaa!!
                                                            
Vance rushes out the door while the rest just sit in their
chairs.
                                                            
                       MICKY
Don't you have to get a little
famous before you die? You know,
so they remember you and worship
you?
                                                            
The camera focuses on a clock which shows 20 minutes pass.
                                                            
                       VANCE
      (opening door)
You guys! I got it! I even got a
pipe and lighter!
                                                            
                       MICKY
Shut the fuck up dude! I don't
wanna get arrested.
                                                            
                       VANCE
      (sits down on the
       couch hard with a
       big smile on his
       face)
He gave me quite a bit.
                                                            
                       MARK
Look at you rock star.
                                                            

4.

                       VANCE
      (pulls out baggy
       and pipe)
Look at this you guys. This is a
new beginning for us.
                                                            
                       MARK
      (rubbing hands)
I'm ready. Lets get really messed
up and write some songs.
                                                            
                       VANCE
      (laughing)
Mark's got junkie in him for sure.
                                                            
Vance puts a bud into the pipe and lights the lighter. He
puts the pipe up to his mouth and inhales. Not to long after
he starts coughing ferociously and passes the pipe to Mark.
                                                            
                       MARK
      (grabs pipe and
       looks at Vance)
Whoa, harsh.
                                                            
Mark takes a hoot. Micky gets out of his chair and moves
towards the coffee table across from Mark and Vance. Mark
passes the pipe to him, the Micky tokes and passes to Bobby
who is hesitant but gives in.
                                                            
                       BOBBY
      (takes a hoot then
       looks at Vance)
Vance, what the fuck are you
doing?
                                                            
The camera pans over to Vance who is staring back at Bobby
and stretching his mouth in weird ways.
                                                            
                       VANCE
I'm really stoned. I think I've
had too much.
                                                            
                       BOBBY
      (passes pipe to
       Vance)
You've had one hoot, rock stars do
more than one hoot. Get it
together.
                                                            
                       VANCE
      (starts laughing
       hysterically)
What is up with this shit? Oh my
            (MORE)

5.

                       VANCE (cont'd)
god! I'm gonna lose my mind!
Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
                                                            
Mick is laughing constantly while Micky starts grazing his
hands over the carpet and objects within his reach. Bobby is
hanging his head back and looking at the ceiling. Vance
takes another hoot and pukes to his right. Mark gets scared
and jumps off of the couch.
                                                            
                       VANCE
      (raises his head
       back up)
What? I've never heard of people
puking on weed!! What the hell?
                                                            
                       BOBBY
I don't think we were meant for
this shit.
                                                            
                       VANCE
      (stands up and
       points to Bobby)
Don't say that! There'll be some
speed bumps but don't you quit
now.
                                                            
                       MICKY
Let's go out on the town, get some
inspiration. Who's driving?
                                                            
Everybody looks at each other shaking their heads. The
camera cuts to a a rapper in front a bunch of kids. He's
teaching a class of how to become a good rapper.
                                                            
                       RAPPER
Another rule, if you release an
album and it's a hit...you must,
and I mean YOU MUST get the point
across that you are BACK on the
new album. And you never smile
during a photoshoot, that's just
common sense. You don't enjoy what
you do, YOU HEAR ME!?
                                                            
The 4 guys walk by the rapping class and look through the
window. They are 80's looking with poofy hair and wearing
some leather.
                                                            
                       MARK
      (looking through
       window)
What the hell is happening to
music?
                                                            

6.

                       RAPPER
      (catches Mark's
       eyes)
And don't forget, when you....aw
what the hell?
                                                            
The camera follows behind the four guys feet. Their feet all
come to a stop and the camera moves up towards behind their
heads.
                                                            
                       VANCE
Now this is more our style.
                                                            
The camera moves past Bobby's head over his left shoulder to
show a sign that says "Punk School". They walk up to the
window to see a teacher with liberty spikes for hair. The
kids have changing colors of hair and some with skateboards.
                                                            
                       PUNK
Okay now just like we practiced.
                                                            
All the kids start chanting "Whoa" in different ways but all
in unison. the camera cuts to the 4 looking through the
window with puzzled looks on their faces.
                                                            
                       MICKY
I'm not going to no damn school to
learn this. This is crap.
                                                            
Vance starts chuckling. Then Mark starts chuckling. Bobby
and Micky stare at Mark and Vance and start laughing. Pretty
soon, all four of them are hysterical and tripping out. The
camera cuts to a shot of the mall looking forward past a
line of stores on the right. The four guys run past the
camera screaming and shouting nonsense. They knock over
trash cans when they run past them. Micky runs into a
fitness store and steals a medicine ball. He runs back out
and catches up with the other three. A girl runs out of the
store and starts chasing Micky. He looks behind him while
running and tosses the ball over his head and it hits the
girl in the stomach as she catches it.
                                                            
                       MICKY
      (panting a little)
Hey! Mark!
                                                            
                       MARK
      (looks back)
What?!
                                                            
                       MICKY
That girl knows how much a
medicine ball weighs now!
                                                            

7.

They all laugh out loud and do odd twirls and dance moves.
Bobby and Micky run off one direction to the left, Vance
keeps running straight and Mark stops to light a smoke. The
camera switches to a front of Mark. He looks to his left and
gets tackled by security. The camera switches to Bobby who
runs up to a decorative piece of glass. He picks up a chair
from a table right beside. He swings the chair behind him
and Micky runs up and grabs the chair from Bobby.
                                                            
                       MICKY
      (very mellow)
No way Bobby. It's art, appreciate
what you see.
                                                            
Micky walks out of the camera holding the chair. Bobby takes
a big coin out of his pocket and flicks it at the glass. It
cracks the glass a tiny bit. Bobby gives a psychotic laugh
and runs away. The camera follows Bobby running to the front
doors of the mall. He bursts through the doors to see 4 cop
cars with their lights flashing and the other guys being
handcuffed. Mark is in the back of a cop car. Bobby tries
running away but gets tackled by two cops.
                                                            
                       VANCE
      (being picked up
       by an officer)
This don't mean shit. We're rock
stars and rock stars always get
out of jail. You hear me?
                                                            
                       BOBBY
      (crying)
It was only a couple hits of weed,
man. Please leave us alone.
                                                            
The camera pans from a lying down Bobby to COP 1 in his car
talking on the radio.
                                                            
 
EXT. PRISON BLUES - DAY
                                                            
                       COP 1
Stewart, we don't need your backup
anymore.
                                                            
The camera cuts to a frontal view of two cops in the front
seat and two criminals in the back. CRIMINAL 2 is really
skinny and CRIMINAL 1 is muscular. The car is being driven
by DRIVING COP. COP 2 is the one talking on the radio.
                                                            
                       COP 2
What was the problem?
                                                            

8.

Camera cuts back to the mall scene.
                                                            
                       COP 1
      (looks at Bobby go
       past him)
Some kids were vandalizing the
mall and injured a woman. I think
they're on LSD or something.
                                                            
Camera cuts back to the other cops.
                                                            
                       COP 2
      (chuckles)
All right, we're headed to the
station.
                                                            
The cop sets down the radio.
                                                            
                       DRIVING COP
      (looks at COP 2)
Arresting LSD vandals...
                                                            
                       COP 2
      (laughs)
I know, I wish we could've got
there first.
                                                            
                       DRIVING COP
      (directing voice
       to back of car)
So, I bet you guys can't wait to
meet your cellmates. Ha ha ha ha.
                                                            
CRIMINAL 1 looks angry and CRIMINAL 2 looks tense and
nervous.
                                                            
                       CRIMINAL 1
What makes you think you can keep
us in a jail cell?
                                                            
                       DRIVING COP
      (turns steering
       wheel left)
Well, the fact that I know you
guys aren't that good. Hell,
neither are we and yet you got
busted. By us! You guys didn't
have your heart into it. Trust me.
                                                            
                       CRIMINAL 2
Fuck you. Desperate times call for
desperate measures.
                                                            

9.

                       COP 2
      (turns around and
       eyes down
       CRIMINAL 2)
Yeah okay. You've already got
"prison bitch" written on you so
whats your measure?
                                                            
Both cops laugh as the car comes to a stop. The camera shows
the car in front of a police station. The cops get out and
take the criminals out of the car and into the station. The
camera is dollying in front of all four. The criminals are
in front. They keep walking until the cops grab them and
yank them back to go through a door on the right.
                                                            
                       CRIMINAL 2
Christ, why you gotta be so rough?
I'm cooperating.
                                                            
                       DRIVING COP
That won't help you anymore.
                                                            
They keep walking while CRIMINAL 2 has a puzzled look on his
face.
                                                            
                       CRIMINAL 2
      (whispers to
       CRIMINAL 1)
Dude, was that a sex joke?
                                                            
                       CRIMINAL 1
No, you're being paranoid.
                                                            
                       CRIMINAL 2
Hey, I'm getting nervous here. You
can defend yourself alot better
than me. Please help me out, I
don't wanna become a fudgcicle.
                                                            
                       CRIMINAL 1
Okay, no more of those expressions
alright? It freaks me out. I'll do
what I can but you gotta fight for
your own life too.
                                                            
                       CRIMINAL 2
Yeah I know, but I can see why I'd
get a gang of them after me, I
mean, this is a nice ass.
                                                            
                       CRIMINAL 1
      (raises voice)
Will you shut the fuck up?!
                                                            

10.

They all come to a counter with COUNTER COP behind it. He is
doing paper work while standing. The shot switches to over
the shoulder from the criminals facing the officer behind
the desk.
                                                            
                       COP 2
Where do you want them?
                                                            
                       COUNTER COP
      (points to
       CRIMINAL 1 with
       pen then to
       CRIMINAL 2)
Cell 5 and cell 8.
                                                            
The camera swithces to over the shoulder of COUNTER COP.
                                                            
                       CRIMINAL 2
What? We're in seperate cells? No,
I've seen it in movies, we're
supposed to be in the same cell.
                                                            
DRIVING COP takes CRIMINAL 2 to the right and COP 2 takes
CRIMINAL 1 to the left.
                                                            
                       DRIVING COP
We don't put criminal partners in
the same cell. It's dangerous for
them to communicate.
                                                            
                       CRIMINAL 2
      (struggling)
No, don't worry about it. We're
fucking stupid. Please!!
                                                            
The camera switches to a dolly shot following COP 2 and
CRIMINAL 1 from the right side. They are walking down a
hallway lined with prison cells. They come to a cell with
eight prisoners in the cell already.
                                                            
                       COP 2
      (yells)
Open cell 5!
                                                            
The cell door opens. COP 2 takes off CRIMINAL 1's handcuffs
and shoves him through the door. The door closes and COP 2
walks off screen to the left. The camera zooms in through
the prison bars. PRISONER 1 walks up to CRIMINAL 1, winds up
with his right arm and punches him in the left cheek.
                                                            
                       CRIMINAL 1
      (groaning)
What the fuck! OW! You're dead!
                                                            

11.

CRIMINAL 1 punches PRISONER 1 in the nose. He drops to the
floor. All the prisoners just sit and watch. PRISONER 1 gets
back up.
                                                            
                       PRISONER 1
      (extends hand)
Hey how's it going?
                                                            
                       CRIMINAL 1
      (backs away)
What?!
                                                            
                       PRISONER 1
I said "HOW'S IT GOING?"
                                                            
PRISONER 1 punches CRIMINAL 1 in the jaw which makes him
take a few stumbling steps back.
                                                            
                       CRIMINAL 1
Actually you asked me "how's it
going".
                                                            
                       PRISONER 1
      (shrugs)
Yeah, I guess that's fair.
                                                            
CRIMINAL 1 walks up to him and punches PRISONER 1 in the
stomach. PRISONER 1 lets out a yelp.
                                                            
                       CRIMINAL 1
I actually don't feel like it's
going that bad. I mean, yeah, I'm
in jail but maybe this is what I
needed to straighten out my life.
I haven't exactly been keeping in
touch with reality lately. I've
been off in my own little world
not caring what happens at all.
Maybe that's the definiton of
living you know? Cause I'm doing
everything that I think about
doing, I don't just shrug it off.
I'm always getting this stuff out
of my system and no one else seems
to understand that. What if that's
life? What if we're supposed to do
everything that we dream of doing
to make sure we have an arsenal of
adventures that we could tell. But
I guess the average life
expectancy would be about 30 cause
let's face it, everybody has crazy
things they want to attempt. I bet
            (MORE)

12.

                       CRIMINAL 1 (cont'd)
every single person on Earth who
has learned about drugs wants to
try them if they haven't.
Everybody wants to perform stunts
but are afraid of the
consequences.
                                                            
                       PRISONER 1
      (puzzled stare)
You're fucked up. You could've
just punched me again you know.
                                                            
                       CRIMINAL 1
Yes, but it's already out of my
system. Now I just want to
breathe. And relax. There's no
need for violence anymore.
Honestly, it was a big surprise to
be punched during normal
introductory conversation and it's
great that you let it out of your
body. All that bad energy stuck
inside is what got you here in the
first place.
                                                            
PRISONER 1 walks up to the bars and directs his voice down
the hallway.
                                                            
                       PRISONER 1
      (yells with fear)
Hey pigs! Get me the fuck out of
this cell! This guy is crazy! He
won't stop with his nonsense and
it's hurting my head.
                                                            
Camera cuts to two cops sitting at a desk. The one behind
the desk hasn't been seen before. The one on the right with
his feet on the desk is COP 2 who is reading a newspaper. He
looks over his shoulder listening to the prisoner's yells
and goes back to looking at his newspaper.
                                                            
                       COP 2
New guy must be a hardcore nympho.
                                                            
The camera moves through a hallway and through a doorway
past the COUNTER COP and in through another door which goes
through a hallway and down another line of prison cells on
the right. It moves slowly past the cells until it comes to
a stop and turns right. There are six people in the prison
cell including CRIMINAL 2. He is sitting in a corner. The
camera moves in through the bars and moves in on him until
only his upper body is in frame. His arms are crossed and he

13.

has a blank look on his face. The camera cuts to the five
prisoners staring at him. They are all at least 220 pounds.
They all have grins on their faces. The middle prisoner,
PRISONER 2, gets up and walks over to CRIMINAL 2.
                                                            
                       PRISONER 2
      (sits next to
       CRIMINAL 2)
You realize what's gonna happen
don't you?
                                                            
                       CRIMINAL 2
      (sinks a little
       bit)
                                                            
                       PRISONER 2
You've been shaking before you got
to the police station, haven't
you?
                                                            
                       CRIMINAL 2
Yeah, well, what will they think
when I fight to the death?
                                                            
                       PRISONER 2
They're all rapists so I'm sure
it'll just get them all
electrified.
                                                            
                       CRIMINAL 2
      (eyes get wide)
                                                            
                       PRISONER 2
But I'll make them go easy. You
don't seem like a bad guy. I'll be
back.
                                                            
PRISONER 2 gets up and walks back over to the others. The
camera is still on CRIMINAL 2. He is trying to eavesdrop on
a mumbled conversation. PRISONER 2 comes back into the frame
and sits beside CRIMINAL 2 again. He hands him a cucumber.
                                                            
                       PRISONER 2
The guys have agreed to let you
get the worst part over with by
yourself.
                                                            
                       CRIMINAL 2
You're joking.
                                                            
                       PRISONER 2
Yeah I am. Actually you're gonna
need this one to get used to it in
here.
                                                            

14.

PRISONER 2 hands him another cucumber with many large bumps
all over it. They look like warts. The camera cuts to
COUNTER COP who is sitting at his desk watching TV. He
twitches a little bit when he hears a scream. The camera
zooms in on the TV show. There is a man with a microphone
talking into the camera. He is a TV HOST. The scene behind
him is a public road and he is standing on the sidewalk.
Citizens walk on the sidewalk behind the TV HOST. The TV
screen transitions into the actual scene.
                                                            
 
EXT. IMPROVISING - DAY
                                                            
                       TV HOST
We'll be right back with CELEBRITY
DIRT.
                                                            
A background voice says "cut" and TV HOST lowers the
microphone beside his hip. He looks away from the camera.
CAMERAMAN walks up to him.
                                                            
                       CAMERAMAN
The Paris Hilton thing is getting
old Rick.
                                                            
                       TV HOST
I know, all the stars barely come
out of their houses anymore,
they're paranoid.
                                                            
                       CAMERAMAN
Well, what do you expect? The
whole world knows when a grey hair
sprouts on their face.
                                                            
                       TV HOST
      (sighs)
They should feel like gods from
the way we treat them. And gods
shouldn't be selfish.
                                                            
                       CAMERAMAN
They're humans Rick.
                                                            
                       TV HOST
Maybe 50% of them. The rest is
plastic and silicon.
                                                            
                       CAMERAMAN
Toushe.
                                                            

15.

                       TV HOST
And besides, we don't pick on the
normal ones. Just the freaky ones.
                                                            
                       CAMERAMAN
      (points over TV
       HOST's shoulder)
Hey, is that Jack Nicholson?
                                                            
                       TV HOST
      (turns around)
Yeah. That's perfect. Why don't we
mix it up a little and scam a
normal one?
                                                            
TV HOST sees a girl walking by on the sidewalk. He grabs her
arm and whispers something in her ear then hands her some
money. She nods and TV HOST walks up to Jack Nicholson and
tabs him on the shoulder.
                                                            
                       JACK NICHOLSON
      (turns around)
Yes?
                                                            
                       TV HOST
Hi Jack. My name is Rick and I'm
tracking down top class celerities
who can discuss their current
projects. Do you have a minute?
                                                            
                       JACK NICHOLSON
Uh, why not? But just a minute.
                                                            
                       TV HOST
Well, rumor says you accepted the
role of...
                                                            
The girl comes up to JACK and puts her arms around his neck.
She starts flirting with him and JACK smiles. She puts his
hand on her left breast. Right after she fakes her death and
passes out in his arms. The TV HOST takes a picture and the
TV crew runs away. JACK doesn't know what to do and the girl
doesn't move. The camera cuts to TV HOST and CAMERAMAN.
                                                            
                       CAMERAMAN
      (panting)
Well, let's see.
                                                            
                       TV HOST
      (shows his camera
       to CAMERAMAN)
Check it out.
                                                            

16.

The camera zooms in on the picture of JACK NICHOLSON holding
the girl who is lifeless. The picture transistions to a
magazine cover with the picture on it and a headline that
reads "NICHOLSON A NECROPHILIAC?". A hand picks up the
magazine and the camera cuts to a good looking guy. He is a
COCKY ACTOR. His hair is gelled into spikes and he's
standing backstage of a theatre. ACTOR comes up to him from
the background.
                                                            
                       ACTOR
Hey, what are you reading?
                                                            
                       COCKY ACTOR
      (puts magazine
       down)
I don't know. So where's this
improviser who's the best ever?
                                                            
                       ACTOR
I don't know, I really want to
meet her though.
                                                            
                       COCKY ACTOR
I don't see what makes her so
special. I've seen some good
improv. And honestly, I've got
every rule of improv down to a T.
                                                            
                       ACTOR
You've gotta be curious though.
                                                            
                       COCKY ACTOR
Shit's probably overrated anyways.
                                                            
A stage manager holding a clipboard comes up to them and
says "3 minutes you two" and keeps walking. They both head
towards the light peaking out of the side of a large
curtain. As they walk there is applause heard on the other
side. The camera follows them from behind until they reach
the curtain. There is a blond woman on the stage. She is the
IMPROVISER.
                                                            
                       ACTOR
That's her.
                                                            
                       COCKY ACTOR
Yeah so what?
                                                            
The camera cuts to a frontal view of the stage. IMPROVISER
has been giving a speech on the art of improvisation.
                                                            

17.

                       IMPROVISER
It can sometimes be difficult to
make your environment seem real.
It's a combination of mime,
memory, and reaction. But enough
about that, please give a round of
applause for my fellow actors for
tonight. James and Cameron.
                                                            
The applause grows as COCKY ACTOR and ACTOR walk out on
stage waving to the audience. They have big smiles on their
faces.
                                                            
                       IMPROVISER
Now, we're gonna start a random
scene based on the audiences
comments and we'll pause the scene
at certain times to add new
elements. So, somebody yell out an
exercise you can do in the
bedroom.
                                                            
Members of the crowd start whistling and someone yells
"reverse cowgirl". The audience laughs. Someone else says
"chin ups".
                                                            
                       IMPROVISER
All right, we'll go with chin ups.
So James, you start the scene and
allow me to come in whenever you
feel neccesary.
                                                            
COCKY ACTOR walks on stage and mimes where the bed, the
dresser, and the chin up bar are.
                                                            
                       COCKY ACTOR
      (referring to the
       bar)
Honey, check out what I put in.
                                                            
                       IMPROVISER
      (walks into scene)
Oh nice, you're putting exercise
equipment in our room. That's not
a hint towards me at all is it?
                                                            
Audience laughs.
                                                            
                       COCKY ACTOR
Why do you gotta be like that?
                                                            

18.

                       IMPROVISER
Man you're dumb. Thank god I'm not
picky. Well, let me see how many I
can do.
                                                            
IMPROVISER mimes grabbing the bar above her head. She then
pulls herself into midair as if there was a bar there. COCKY
ACTOR drops his jaw. After she does five she drops down.
                                                            
                       IMPROVISER
Whew, I need some work. I'm gonna
lay down.
                                                            
IMPROVISER walks over to where the bed was mimed in the
scene. She jumps face first into the air. COCKY ACTOR
cringes. She bounces in midair and lays motionless. Camera
cuts to ACTOR.
                                                            
                       ACTOR
Shit.
                                                            
 
EXT. AN ARGUEMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
The camera cuts to a set of double doors. There is a poster
on the doors of the improv show that is going on inside. The
doors open and people start coming out laughing and talking
about the show. Eventually two males come out of the theatre
holding hands. The camera follows them as they walk to the
left. They are GAY MAN 1 and GAY MAN 2. People stare at them
as they walk.
                                                            
                       GAY MAN 1
I can't believe people still get
freaked out by us.
                                                            
                       GAY MAN 2
I know. I feel like Gene Simmons.
                                                            
                       GAY MAN 1
And I'm Paul Stanley.
                                                            
                       GAY MAN 2
Well obviously, you're pretty
feminine.
                                                            
                       GAY MAN 1
Oh thanks, why don't you just tell
the world?
                                                            
                       GAY MAN 2
Okay, I'm sorry. We'll drop it.
                                                            

19.

They keep walking past a PROSTITUTE. She is holding a
cigarette. She gives a sexy face to the two guys. GAY MAN 1
looks disgusted and they keep walking but come to a stop at
a set of lights.
                                                            
                       GAY MAN 1
They're animals.
                                                            
                       GAY MAN 2
Who?
                                                            
                       GAY MAN 1
Hookers.
                                                            
                       GAY MAN 2
Hey, one of my friends had no
other choice. She had to do that
to get through college.
                                                            
                       GAY MAN 1
There is always another job.
They're just too lazy to test any
other skills.
                                                            
                       GAY MAN 2
      (lets go of hand)
You're a prick. How can you be so
shallow? You can disagree with
their lifestyle but you call them
animals?
                                                            
                       GAY MAN 1
They're like hound dogs searching
for meat. No pun intended.
                                                            
                       GAY MAN 2
You're an ass.
                                                            
                       GAY MAN 1
I'll prove it.
                                                            
GAY MAN 1 tenses up. His face gets red. GAY MAN 2 steps away
and looks a little scared. GAY MAN 1 farts and gives a sigh
of relief.
                                                            
                       GAY MAN 2
What the hell was the point of
that?
                                                            
                       GAY MAN 1
Just watch.
                                                            

20.

The camera cuts to PROSTITUTE who jerks her head upwards and
starts twitching her nose. The camera cuts back to the guys
from a different angle. You can see them from the knees up.
PROSTITUTE is crawling onto the screen from the right. She
crawls up to GAY MAN 1's butt and smells it. The camera cuts
back to their close ups. GAY MAN 1 is staring at GAY MAN 2
with a grin on his face.
                                                            
                       GAY MAN 2
      (turns away and
       walks)
Fuck you.
                                                            
                       GAY MAN 1
      (follows him)
Oh come on, don't be like that.
                                                            
The camera cuts back to the previous shot above the knees.
They are walking across the street with PROSTITUTE following
on her knees. She doesn't keep up and a car screeches to a
halt in front of her. A head pops out of the driver's window
and yells "Hey! Get off the fucking road!" PROSTITUTE gets
up and walks back onto the sidewalk. The camera cuts to a
frontal view of her and dollies as she walks down the
sidewalk. She walks through some people. A dark and long
haired male walks past her but turns around and catches up
to her. He is her FRIEND.
                                                            
                       FRIEND
Hey Brooke. What's up?
                                                            
                       PROSTITUTE
I'm heading home. I haven't had a
good day.
                                                            
                       FRIEND
I was wondering if you wanted to
go get a drink. You look stressed.
                                                            
                       PROSTITUTE
Well, I'm still going home but
you're welcome to join me.
                                                            
                       FRIEND
Cool. I've been worrying about
you.
                                                            
                       PROSTITUTE
Why is that?
                                                            

21.

                       FRIEND
Well, I haven't heard from you for
awhile. And your job title is a
little dangerous.
                                                            
                       PROSTITUTE
I don't need you lecturing me
right now. I really don't.
                                                            
                       FRIEND
I'm not gonna say anything. Just
don't forget about the people in
your life.
                                                            
                       PROSTITUTE
You're right. I'm sorry. Let's
catch up right now.
                                                            
                       FRIEND
All right. I just got a job
working for the city.
                                                            
                       PROSTITUTE
Nice. I'm pregnant.
                                                            
                       FRIEND
What the fuck!?
                                                            
                       PROSTITUTE
Thanks. I'm glad you understand.
                                                            
                       FRIEND
Wha...I mean, you're...I...do you
know whose it is?
                                                            
                       PROSTITUTE
      (sarcastic)
Yes Jared. It was so easy to track
him down. I knew who it was cause
he had sex with me.
                                                            
                       FRIEND
You don't even carry protection
with you? How fucked up are you?
                                                            
                       PROSTITUTE
You know what? You've never been
in my situation so don't even try
to understand!
                                                            
                       FRIEND
I don't have to. Anything with a
head could tell you that's stupid.
                                                            

22.

                       PROSTITUTE
      (shoves FRIEND)
Fuck off! I'm having this baby and
you can stay out of my life. Just
because you could never have
me....
                                                            
PROSTITUTE keeps walking while FRIEND is stunned and doesn't
move. The camera cuts to a close up of him looking defeated.
He attempts to walk away but suddenly turns around and
chases after her.
                                                            
                       FRIEND
      (running)
Brooke, wait a second!
                                                            
                       PROSTITUTE
Ugh, what is it?
                                                            
                       FRIEND
Say what you just said.
                                                            
                       PROSTITUTE
What?
                                                            
                       FRIEND
I have a good comeback but I need
you to say what you said again to
make it sound better.
                                                            
                       PROSTITUTE
Have you lost it? Go home!
                                                            
                       FRIEND
Oh come on! You're at least a
little curious aren't you? It's a
good one trust me.
                                                            
                       PROSTITUTE
      (sighs)
You'll never have me Jared...
                                                            
                       FRIEND
Oh yeah? You'll never feel a thing
having that baby cause the doctor
will easily pull that thing out
with one hand.
                                                            
                       PROSTITUTE
Huh?
                                                            
                       FRIEND
I was saying you're loose.
                                                            

23.

                       PROSTITUTE
Oh. OH! Hey that was really mean!
Dammit, why did I give you that
oppurtunity? This is humiliating.
                                                            
The two walk a little bit longer and come to a house. There
are 4 kids playing with firecrackers and roman candles in
front of the house. They are all around 13 years old. It is
the house where Brooke lives.
                                                            
                       FRIEND
Hey guys. You shouldn't be playing
with those things. Alot of kids
get hurt using those.
                                                            
                       JEFF
What's it matter to you?
                                                            
                       FRIEND
Nothing really. I just wonder what
you're trying to prove.
                                                            
                       GREG
Nothing really. We saw it on TV so
we thought we'd give it a try.
                                                            
                       FRIEND
Aren't you just supporting the
fact that kids are very gullible
to TV?
                                                            
                       GREG
Yeah but if we hurt ourselves, we
can just say we saw it on TV. Then
everyone gets mad at those guys
and not us so we're off the hook.
                                                            
                       FRIEND
Those shows have warnings saying
do not attempt and stuff. You
won't get anything out of the
deal. People will just think
you're dumb.
                                                            
                       JEFF
Actually the warning we saw said
"Do not try this at home". And
we're not at home, I'm actually
three blocks from home.
                                                            
                       FRIEND
Well how about that?
                                                            

24.

FRIEND and PROSTITUTE walk up the steps to her house and go
inside.
                                                            
 
EXT. PARENTING - NIGHT
                                                            
                       JEFF
I think we're gonna head home
guys. I don't wanna spend money on
anymore fireworks.
                                                            
JEFF and GREG wave goodbye to the other two kids and walk
off.
                                                            
                       GREG
So how much pot do you have?
                                                            
                       JEFF
More than enough for us.
                                                            
                       GREG
Awesome. How are we gonna hide it
from your parents?
                                                            
                       JEFF
We'll just have to be quiet while
they're sleeping.
                                                            
                       GREG
      (starts jumping
       around)
All right, I can't wait.
                                                            
                       JEFF
      (laughs)
I got you hooked. That's classic.
                                                            
                       GREG
I know, I love it.
                                                            
The kids walk until they come to a house. The lights are
still on. They stand outside of the door.
                                                            
                       JEFF
      (puts ear to door)
They're still up? What are they
doing?
                                                            
                       GREG
Who cares. Maybe we can grab it
and go to the park or something.
                                                            

25.

                       JEFF
      (opens door)
Yeah.
                                                            
The camera cuts to inside of the house. The living room and
the door are shown. The MOM is laying on the couch with one
arm dangling off the side. The DAD is sitting in a chair
slouched. The door opens.
                                                            
                       MOM
Aw hi Jeffery. I see you brought a
friend. Is he gonna make us laugh?
Just like you? Huh, huh?
                                                            
                       JEFF
Hi mom. Dad. I didn't think you
guys would still be up.
                                                            
                       DAD
Jeff! Don't talk to your mother
like that!
                                                            
                       JEFF
Huh? What are you talking about?
                                                            
                       MOM
      (points finger
       away)
Go to your room!
                                                            
                       JEFF
What? I've got a friend over! It's
Greg.
                                                            
                       MOM
Well take him with you then, don't
be rude.
                                                            
                       JEFF
      (walking towards
       room)
What the hell is wrong with you
guys?
                                                            
JEFF and GREG exit.
                                                            
                       DAD
      (bursts out
       laughing)
Wait til he finds out!
                                                            

26.

                       MOM
I know! But he's not gonna say
anything cause then we'll know he
does it!
                                                            
Camera cuts to JEFF's room.
                                                            
                       JEFF
      (looking in drawer)
Jesus, they smoked it all.
                                                            
                       GREG
Well maybe not. Go ask them.
                                                            
                       JEFF
      (slams drawer shut)
Yeah retard. I'm gonna ask for my
pot back from my parents. I'm sure
they'll be all over it too.
                                                            
                       GREG
Your parents are sneaky, you know
that?
                                                            
Camera cuts to living room.
                                                            
                       DAD
We're friggin geniuses. I hope
Jeff gets more of this.
                                                            
                       MOM
Brings back old memories doesn't
it?
                                                            
                       DAD
Not really.
                                                            
MOM and DAD burst out into laughter until they are no longer
on furniture but on the floor laughing. Camera cuts to
JEFF's room.
                                                            
                       JEFF
      (hears laughter)
Hear that? They definately smoked
it all. Dammit.
                                                            
                       GREG
Why wouldn't you just bring it
with you?
                                                            
                       JEFF
Cause I didn't want those moochers
to know I had any.
                                                            

27.

                       GREG
It's kinda funny when you think
about it.
                                                            
                       JEFF
Well I'd be laughing right now too
if my parents weren't chronics.
                                                            
Camera cuts to living room.
                                                            
                       MOM
Should we just order a pizza?
                                                            
                       DAD
      (gets up)
Yeah we should. I'm gonna phone
them right now.
                                                            
DAD walks out of shot to go to the phone. The MOM gets back
up and lays on the couch again. JEFF and GREG walk into the
living room.
                                                            
                       MOM
Hey Gary. Jeff did you want some
pizza? We're ordering.
                                                            
                       JEFF
No, we're actually gonna go to
Greg's house.
                                                            
                       MOM
      (talking to the
       DAD)
Honey?! Jeff and his buddy don't
want any pizza!
                                                            
                       DAD
      (voice heard
       offscreen)
Actually, can I only get three?
Thanks.
                                                            
JEFF and GREG walk out the door. DAD comes back to the chair
and sits down. They both stare at each other for a second.
                                                            
                       MOM
I almost feel bad.
                                                            
                       DAD
Yeah?
                                                            

28.

                       MOM
Almost, I said. I got a mental
block about going through with it
or something.
                                                            
DAD holds his head back and starts laughing out loud. The
MOM is laughing too. A phone ring is heard off camera. DAD
notices the sound.
                                                            
                       DAD
      (gets up)
What the hell? Is the pizza guy
lost?
                                                            
Camera cuts to a shot of the kitchen in the house. The dad
picks up a cordless phone off the wall.
                                                            
                       DAD
Hello?
                                                            
Camera cuts to a shot of a mid 20's male outside of an
adoption agency. It is daytime in his scene. He is in a
different time zone. He is talking into a cellphone. He is
DON.
                                                            
                       DON
How's it going? Did I catch you at
a bad time?
                                                            
Cuts back to DAD.
                                                            
                       DAD
No, are you bringing the pizza?
                                                            
                       DON
      (voice over phone)
What?
                                                            
                       DAD
Piiiiiizza. How long til the pizza
comes?
                                                            
Cuts to DAD'S BROTHER.
                                                            
                       DON
It's Don. Your brother remember?
I'm not your pizza boy.
                                                            
Cuts to DAD.
                                                            
                       DAD
Well that explains a bunch. You
shouldn't tie up the line though,
            (MORE)

29.

                       DAD (cont'd)
the pizza boy might get lost and
call here.
                                                            
DAD hangs up phone. Camera cuts to DON.
                                                            
                       DON
      (dials phone again)
You dummy.
                                                            
Camera cuts to DAD. He is running towards the ringing phone.
                                                            
                       DAD
Hello?
                                                            
                       DON
Hey. What the hell are you doing?
                                                            
                       DAD
Talking to you Don. How've you
been?
                                                            
Camera cuts to DON.
                                                            
                       DON
      (puzzled face)
I'm good. Listen, it sounds to me
like I really called at a bad time
but I just wanted to tell you that
me and MARY are going to be
interviewed about the adoption
pretty soon.
                                                            
Camera cuts to DAD.
                                                            
                       DAD
Hey that's great. How did that
"stop swearing" training do for
ya? Can you control it now?
                                                            
Camera cuts to DON.
                                                            
                       DON
Naw I didn't even finish it. It
was boring so I said "fuck it".
But I gotta go, I'll call you
tomorrow.
                                                            
DON hangs up the phone and the camera cuts to DAD.
                                                            
                       DAD
What? Hello?
                                                            

30.

DAD shrugs and hangs up the phone. The camera cuts to DON
walking inside the adoption agency building. MARY is inside
the waiting room. DON sits down next to her.
                                                            
                       MARY
Nervous?
                                                            
                       DON
No, I'm actually excited.
                                                            
                       MARY
Who were you talking to on the
phone?
                                                            
                       DON
My brother. He wasn't making any
sense. Kept thinking I was the
pizza guy.
                                                            
 
INT. THE PRACTITIONER - DAY
                                                            
A male in his mid thirties walks out into the waiting room.
He is bald on the top of his head. He is holding a
clipboard.
                                                            
                       PRACTITIONER
      (reading clipboard)
Don and Mary Carter.
                                                            
                       MARY
      (raises hand)
That's us.
                                                            
DON and MARY get up and follow the PRACTITIONER through a
hallway and into an office. The PRACTITIONER sits behind his
desk while DON and MARY sit in two chairs opposite the desk.
                                                            
                       PRACTITIONER
Well, we've went through all of
your records and you two are
definately one of our most
suitable couples at the moment.
                                                            
                       DON
      (waits for a bit)
Great.
                                                            
                       PRACTITIONER
And of course we have the process
of simply interviewing the couples
in person to make sure everything
falls in place.
                                                            

31.

                       MARY
Well ask away. We've been losing
sleep over waiting for this.
                                                            
                       PRACTITIONER
How long have you been a writer
Mr. Carter?
                                                            
                       DON
Just about three years. I'm hoping
that I can get picked up by Sports
Illustrated.
                                                            
                       PRACTITIONER
That's nice. How have you liked it
there so far?
                                                            
                       DON
Oh I love it. It's so fu...
                                                            
                       MARY
Lots of people compliment him on
his writing.
                                                            
                       PRACTITIONER
Uh huh. And you Mary? What about
you?
                                                            
                       MARY
Teaching is nice but when we have
a kid to look after, I think I'll
be taking some time off.
                                                            
                       PRACTITIONER
Well, obviously you're used to
kids. What about you Don?
                                                            
                       DON
I'm the same. I've seen how our
friends handle kids and I'm
honestly jealous. I just want one
of those babies who you can
fucking tickle the living shit out
of. But I don't mean literally...
                                                            
                       MARY
      (whispers)
Don!
                                                            

32.

                       DON
But I know they have to shit
anyways right? Isn't that the
worst fucking thing you've ever
smelled? I mean goddamn!
                                                            
There's a moment of silence. MARY is trying to hide her face
while Don looks completely ignorant of what he has just
said. The PRACTITIONER stares at him for a bit.
                                                            
                       PRACTITIONER
      (stands up)
Well, it was nice meeting you both
but I've got to ask you to leave.
I've got a doctor's appointment.
                                                            
The camera follows the three out the door. DON and MARY walk
out the left while the PRACTITIONER walks out the right. The
camera follows him from the front. DON and MARY can be seen
behind him in the hallway. They walk around the corner. The
sound of a cracking punch is heard and you see DON fly back
around the corner. The PRACTITIONER walks past a
secrectary's desk.
                                                            
                       PRACTITIONER
I'm gone for the day.
                                                            
He walks to a coat hanger, grabs his coat, and walks out the
door. He gets into his car and drives away. He drives to a
clinic where he parks his car out front. When he walks in
the door, the camera cuts to inside the building. There is a
DOCTOR standing by the desk.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
Steven, you're right on time.
                                                            
                       PRACTITIONER
All right, then let's get this
over with.
                                                            
They walk into the DOCTOR's office. The doctor sits at his
desk and looks through papers while PRACTITIONER sits up on
the bed.
                                                            
                       PRACTITIONER
I've never had a physical done
before but my friend recommended I
get one.
                                                            

33.

                       DOCTOR
It's nothing to worry about. I'll
be taking some blood and urine
tests, checking reflexes, heart
rate, it's very simple.
                                                            
                       PRACTITIONER
Well, if it's okay I want to get
tested for all kinds of cancer
because it runs in my family.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
That can be done. All right, we'll
start by taking some blood so if
you could roll up your arm sleeve
please.
                                                            
PRACTITIONER rolls up his sleeve. The DOCTOR ties a tube
around above his elbow and cleans the elbow area. He sticks
a needle in his arm and takes blood. He wipes it clean and
puts a bandage over it. He then gives PRACTITIONER a cup to
pee in. He goes behind a curtain and comes back out.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
      (grabs cup)
Good, okay I'll be back in a
minute.
                                                            
The camera follows the DOCTOR to a lab where he drops off
the urine and blood samples. He grabs a pair of rubber
gloves and walks back to the office. Camera cuts to inside
of office showing the door.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
      (snaps on rubber
       glove)
Okay, drop em'.
                                                            
                       PRACTITIONER
      (wide eyed)
For what?
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
I have to check for testicular
cancer, colon cancer, etc etc. You
said you wanted to be tested for
all cancers.
                                                            
                       PRACTITIONER
      (sighs)
Oh fine. I just have to cough
right?
                                                            

34.

                       DOCTOR
      (mumbles under
       breath)
And get a finger in the butt.
                                                            
                       PRACTITIONER
What?
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
      (grabs balls)
I said cough.
                                                            
PRACTITIONER coughs.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
And once more.
                                                            
He coughs.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
And again.
                                                            
                       PRACTITIONER
      (coughs)
Why do you guys always do that?
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
      (lets go and
       writes down on
       his clipboard)
Do what?
                                                            
                       PRACTITIONER
You always say "once more". And
then you ask me to do it again.
It's like I can't even trust you.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
Turn around and lean on the bed.
                                                            
PRACTITIONER turns around slowly and leans on the bed. He
closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. The DOCTOR lifts
his shirt and inserts a finger into his anus. PRACTITIONER'S
eyes get wide and he yelps.
                                                            
                       PRACTITIONER
AH! What the fuck are you doing?
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
Just settle down Steven, this will
only take a minute.
                                                            

35.

                       PRACTITIONER
OW! You never mentioned this. Oh
shit!
                                                            
PRACTITIONER'S face goes red and he grunts. There is a
bubbling sound and the DOCTOR pulls his hand out
immediately. His hand is brown.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
      (taking off gloves)
Jesus man! That is fucking sick!
                                                            
                       PRACTITIONER
Hey, you're the one shoving things
up my ass without me knowing.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
      (throws gloves in
       garbage)
Go talk to the nurse at the desk
and reschedule another physical.
I'll have another doctor do your
physical.
                                                            
DOCTOR walks out of office and takes off his jacket. He
tells a nurse to take care of the PRACTITIONER. He walks out
of the clinic onto the sidewalk.
                                                            
 
EXT. DOCTOR AND SON - DAY
                                                            
DOCTOR reaches into pocket and pulls out a pack of smokes.
He opens them up to find an empty pack. There is writing on
the inside of the flap which reads "Smokes or me?". He
chucks the pack in the garbage can and sidekicks it then
starts walking down the sidewalk. He goes inside a bar which
is open and has two people sitting at the front bar. There
is a bartender behind the counter.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
Hey, where's your bathroom?
                                                            
                       BARTENDER
      (points around his
       left shoulder)
It's on the other side.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
Thanks.
                                                            
He walks around the bar and goes into the washroom. There is
another guy using a urinal on the very left. DOCTOR goes up
to the one on the right leaving an empty one in the middle.
                                                            

36.

                       HOWARD
I'm so glad you took that one.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
Pardon?
                                                            
                       HOWARD
It always makes me nervous when
someone uses the urinal right next
to me. Especially when they're
both empty. I appreciate it.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
Don't mention it.
                                                            
                       HOWARD
I hate it also cause someone is
standing right next to you and you
get that feeling that they're
staring so me personally, I move
it closer but then my pee
ricochets off and hits my shirt.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
Uh huh.
                                                            
                       HOWARD
      (reaches hand out)
By the way, I'm Howard.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
      (looks at hand)
Are you kidding me?
                                                            
                       HOWARD
      (reaches into
       pocket)
No, I'm serious. Here, check it
out.
                                                            
HOWARD pulls out his wallet and shows DOCTOR his
identification.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
I don't care if you're Howard or
not. I'm not touching your hand
while you're taking a piss.
                                                            
                       HOWARD
      (puts hand back)
Oh haha. How silly of me.
                                                            

37.

                       DOCTOR
      (looks at him)
How long have you been done
peeing?
                                                            
                       HOWARD
      (sighs)
Well, I'm kind of shy when people
are around. Do you find it strange
that I introduced myself to you in
the bathroom?
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
Why are you asking me this?
                                                            
                       HOWARD
I'm just making harmless
conversation. Why are you so
uptight?
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
      (sighs)
Bad day is all. My wife is on my
case about quitting smoking and
she took all my cigarettes out of
my pack and left a note for me to
see. And I really needed one after
one of my patients shit on my
hand. And yeah, I thought maybe
I'd just have a couple drinks. I
don't want anything else to go
wrong today.
                                                            
                       HOWARD
      (nods head past
       DOCTOR)
Maybe go home and spend time with
your wife.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
      (turns head the
       other way)
I don't know if I sh...
                                                            
DOCTOR sees a condom machine.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
      (zips up)
You're right. I'm going.
                                                            
DOCTOR washes his hands. He reaches into his pocket and
pulls out $5 in coins. He puts all of them into the machine.
                                                            

38.

                       DOCTOR
      (punches machine)
What the fuck?
                                                            
                       HOWARD
Something wrong?
                                                            
DOCTOR turns around and holds up a rubber glove.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
What am I supposed to do with this
huh?
                                                            
DOCTOR throws glove and storms out of the bathroom. The
camera cuts to the bar again where the DOCTOR is coming
around the corner. In the background, you can hear HOWARD
moaning. DOCTOR stops and listens. He shakes his head and
walks outside the bar. His cell phone rings. He answers.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
Hello?
                                                            
The camera cuts to a scene of a blonde male. He is in his
mid twenties. The background is really sunny.
                                                            
                       LYLE
Hey dad.
                                                            
Cuts to DOCTOR.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
Lyle! How are you? How's Mexico?
                                                            
Cuts to LYLE.
                                                            
                       LYLE
Oh it's so great. Absolutely
beautiful here. RACHEL loves it
too.
                                                            
Cuts to DOCTOR.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
That's great. How's your hotel?
                                                            
Cuts to LYLE.
                                                            

39.

                       LYLE
Oh man. It's right by the beach.
We only stay here for five hours a
day to sleep then we're gone the
rest of the time. How's mom? I've
tried phoning home but can't get
through.
                                                            
Cuts to DOCTOR.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
Yeah our whole neighborhood has
phoneline problems. The
construction workers screwed up
and broke a phone line while
digging. But she's good. Won't get
off my ass about smoking though.
                                                            
Cuts to LYLE.
                                                            
                       LYLE
Yeah I bet. Oh well, it's good for
you. Isn't it a little contrasting
for a doctor to be smoking
anyways?
                                                            
Cuts to DOCTOR.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
Hey, if I have to, I can perform
surgery on myself.
                                                            
Cuts to LYLE.
                                                            
                       LYLE
      (laughs)
Okay Dad. Well, I gotta go so I'll
probably just call you when I get
back.
                                                            
Cuts to DOCTOR.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR
Okay take it easy.
                                                            
DOCTOR shuts his phone. Camera cuts to LYLE who also shuts
his phone. The camera follows him through a beautiful
courtyard. He walks over to a bench where there is a woman
sitting.
                                                            
                       RACHEL
      (stands up)
Hey, there you are. Um, I'm gonna
            (MORE)

40.

                       RACHEL (cont'd)
go browse at this market. I'll be
back soon and then we can go
surfing okay?
                                                            
                       LYLE
      (moans)
Oh c'mon. You can do that anytime.
                                                            
                       RACHEL
Just be happy I'm not making you
come with me.
                                                            
                       LYLE
Yeah but you're gonna take
forever.
                                                            
                       RACHEL
Oh loosen up. I'll be back, don't
do anything freaky without me
okay?
                                                            
RACHEL walks away leaving LYLE standing there looking
anxious. He looks around all around him and walks off the
screen to the left. The camera moves upward focusing on a
hotel room balcony. The door slides open and LYLE is outside
holding a sombraro against his genitals. He is wearing
aviator sunglasses and has a smoke hanging from his mouth.
The camera cuts to a close up of his face as he hears a male
voice in the room. His smoke drops and it drops down in his
sombraro.
                                                            
                       LYLE
      (swatting at
       himself)
Ouch. Son of a bitch.
                                                            
The voice gets louder speaking in Spanish. A female voice is
heard speaking Spanish too. LYLE takes his hand off the
sombraro to scratch his head. The sombraro stays. He climbs
over the balcony and starts climbing downwards holding onto
a pipe. The male comes out onto the balcony. He is huge. The
girl comes out too holding a blanket over her. As LYLE
climbs down the building, the male starts throwing his shoes
at LYLE and then spits. LYLE is cursing out loud. As he
climbs down every floor, people come out onto their
balconies to watch. When LYLE gets to the bottom, he starts
running still holding the sombraro. He runs through crowds
of people and down public streets. He runs past RACHEL.
                                                            
                       LYLE
      (running and
       waving)
Hi honey. I'll be back later okay?
                                                            

41.

RACHEL sees him run off and looks the other way to see the
huge guy running after him. RACHEL takes off her engagment
ring and throws it. The camera zooms in on the ring and
shows a time change with lighting. It gradually gets dark
and then returns to light again. A hand picks up the ring.
The camera zooms out to show a little boy about eight years
old holding the ring. He holds it with two hands and stares
at it with giant eyes smiling. He runs off with it. The
camera angle cuts to him running up some hills. There is a
big rock which he sits on. The camera cuts to a close up of
his face. He is holding the ring in his palm which is wide
open and in front of his face. He closes his eyes and shakes
his head rapidly from side to side.
                                                            
                       RING KID
      (talking to
       himself in
       subtitles)
Where am I?
                                                            
The kid gets up and starts walking towards the bottom of the
hill where there is a road. He walks down the road for
awhile kicking at the dirt and rocks. Cars drive past him
slowly. He walks into a market area with alot of stands. He
walks to one particular stand which his father is running.
                                                            
                       RING FATHER
      (subtitles)
Son, where have you been?
                                                            
                       RING KID
      (subtitles and
       holds up ring)
Look what I found papa. Maybe you
can sell it.
                                                            
RING KID hands the ring to his father.
                                                            
                       RING FATHER
      (subtitles)
This is an engagement ring. Did
you steal this?
                                                            
                       RING KID
      (subtitles)
No, I found it on the ground up by
the beach.
                                                            
                       RING FATHER
      (subtitles)
Well that's not very funny at all.
                                                            

42.

                       RING KID
      (subtitles)
What?
                                                            
                       RING FATHER
      (subtitles)
Nothing. I was just wishing for a
split second that you were a son
who could always say funny things.
                                                            
                       RING KID
      (subtitles)
Why?
                                                            
                       RING FATHER
      (subtitles)
Probably cause I'm getting bored.
But hope is on the way. Me and
your mother are trying to have
another kid.
                                                            
                       RING KID
      (subtitles)
Why are you saying such mean
things?
                                                            
A man comes through the crowd past the stand holding a rope.
The rope is tied around a bull's neck.
                                                            
                       RING FATHER
      (subtitles)
Oh grow up.
                                                            
                       RING KID
      (subtitles)
You're a bully. You bully your own
children. How do you feel about
that?
                                                            
                       RING FATHER
      (subtitles)
I'm not even going to elaborate on
the coincidence that you called me
a bully just as a bull walked
through here.
                                                            
                       RING KID
      (subtitles)
There's a difference between a
bull and a bully.
                                                            

43.

                       RING FATHER
      (subtitles)
Like what?
                                                            
                       RING KID
      (subtitles)
Well, a bull has horns. A bully
doesn't.
                                                            
                       RING FATHER
      (subtitles)
A bully's horns are metaphorical.
See when a bully teases you, his
"horns" go inside you cause you
feel something in your stomach
right? You feel emotional pain
caused by humiliation and such.
                                                            
                       RING KID
      (subtitles and
       grumbles)
You say everything is a metaphor.
                                                            
                       RING FATHER
      (subtitles)
And for good reason. And look at
what a bull does. He's placed in a
pasture of cows to breed all of
them. And haven't you seen that a
bully does get the ladies? He
doesn't even have to try.
                                                            
                       RING KID
      (subtitles)
What about the bulls?
                                                            
                       RING FATHER
      (subtitles)
I'll tell you a short story. A
bull and his son were standing on
top of a hill looking down into a
field where there were many cows
all spread out. The son asks his
dad "Dad, are you gonna run down
there and fuck all those cows?"
The father replies "No son, I'm
gonna walk down there and fuck all
those cows."
                                                            
                       RING KID
      (subtitles)
I'm gonna grow up to be a pervert
aren't I?
                                                            

44.

                       RING FATHER
      (subtitles)
Probably. You're completely
unaware that you're touching
yourself as we speak.
                                                            
RING KID looks down and notices. He quickly removes his
hand. An airplane can be seen far in the background flying
and the camera zooms all the way to the plane through a
window and inside. The camera comes to four seats by the
windows. There is a man and woman in the front seats and a
man and woman in the seats behind them. The camera cuts to a
frontal view of the front couple. The screen splits in half
horizontally to show the the other couple on the bottom half
of the screen.
                                                            
 
INT. AIR TALK - DAY
                                                            
                       DONNA
      (hands show a foot
       and a half in
       length)
My dog's name is Kayla. She's only
a month old and about this big.
                                                            
                       RORY
      (hands show a foot
       and a half in
       length)
I think I'll kill him with a knife
about this long.
                                                            
                       JOE
      (pokes his chest)
My wife runs a dog grooming
business.
                                                            
                       KIM
      (pokes her chest)
I wanna do it.
                                                            
                       DONNA
      (hands hold out
       thumbs and index
       fingers)
I think I'll get her some little
boots.
                                                            
                       RORY
      (hands hold out
       thumbs and index
       fingers)
            (MORE)

45.

                       RORY (cont'd)
I wanna take his teeth and make a
necklace.
                                                            
                       JOE
      (swats his hand)
Those things are so stupid.
                                                            
                       KIM
      (swats her hand)
Fuck Rory, we said no crazy shit.
                                                            
                       DONNA
      (points to JOE
       with her right
       index)
All you guys say that but I don't
care.
                                                            
                       RORY
      (points to KIM
       with his right
       index)
You think its possible to make a
pen from a finger?
                                                            
                       JOE
      (holds hands out
       and shrugs)
I'll never understand why you
would torture your dog like that.
                                                            
                       KIM
      (holds hands out
       and shrugs)
What am I going to do about you?
                                                            
                       DONNA
      (left hand face up
       and right hand
       sawing motion
       into left)
Look, I'm a motherly type. It's
that simple. I like to take care
of things.
                                                            
                       RORY
      (left hand face
       upand right hand
       sawing motion
       into left)
We can chop off his legs and beat
him with them. He's so fucked.
                                                            

46.

                       JOE
      (leans over to
       DONNA)
I understand but couldn't you just
dress up kids? I mean, you're
disturbing an animal's natural
state.
                                                            
                       KIM
      (leans over to
       RORY)
Could you please keep your voice
down? I don't want you ruining
this for me.
                                                            
                       DONNA
      (holds fists up to
       neck)
Kids talk back. Dogs are so
cuuuuuute!
                                                            
                       RORY
      (holds fists up to
       neck)
That reminds me, he might scream
so we need to crush his windpipe.
                                                            
                       JOE
      (hands make
       offering gesture)
You are practically turning the
dog into a kid.
                                                            
                       KIM
      (hands make
       offering gesture)
Yeah, and an alien could come out
of his mouth.
                                                            
                       DONNA
      (leans opposite of
       JOE)
I never thought of it like that.
                                                            
                       RORY
      (leans opposite of
       KIM)
What the hell are you talking
about?
                                                            
                       JOE
      (looks out the
       window)
            (MORE)

47.

                       JOE (cont'd)
But I guess it's cheaper than a
kid though.
                                                            
                       KIM
      (looks out the
       window)
It could happen, you never know
what's out there.
                                                            
                       DONNA
      (leans to look out
       window)
What are you looking at?
                                                            
                       RORY
      (leans to look out
       window)
Something out your mind hun?
                                                            
                       JOE
      (looks at DONNA)
I like to imagine that my body is
floating in the air. Like when I
was a kid and I fantasized about
flying like some superhero.
                                                            
                       KIM
      (looks at RORY)
We have to stop watching those
movies. They are freaking me out
and I've been dreaming about some
fucked up stuff.
                                                            
                       DONNA
      (grabs under JOE's
       chin)
Awwwww, that's so cute.
                                                            
                       RORY
      (grabs under KIM's
       chin)
Remember when that lizard bit the
woman right there?
                                                            
 
INT. THE RESTURAUNT - DAY
                                                            
A bird appears flying beside the plane through the window.
It tilts its wing and goes down. The camera zooms through
the window and follows the bird. It is flying staight down
towards a city. It flaps its wings a couple times. The
camera stays right behind the bird. As the bird gets closer

48.

to the surface, it starts heading towards a less congested
area. The bird gets right down into the streets and flies
over cars and people. It finds an open door in a resturaunt
and flies in. People react to the bird in the resturaunt. It
flies in the back kitchen. A fishng net swoops up in front
of the bird and catches it. A CHEF is holding the fishing
net. He slams the bird down on the grill releasing it from
the net and holds the spatula on it.
                                                            
                       CHEF
Mmmmmm I wish I was a customer
right now.
                                                            
                       WAITRESS
      (walks into
       kitchen)
Where's my order?
                                                            
                       CHEF
It's coming, hold on.
                                                            
The CHEF scoops the bird and flings it behind him. Another
cook wearing a glove catches the bird in his hand without
looking and throws it down on his prep table. The CHEF picks
up two plates and hands them to the WAITRESS. The camera
follows the WAITRESS from behind out into the resturaunt
area. She walks over to a table by a window where two people
are sitting and gives them their food. The camera follows
her walking away and past a table with four men sitting at
it. The camera stops following the WAITRESS and focuses in
on the conversation at the table. DEREK and MATT are sitting
opposite of MURRAY and JASON. DEREK and MATT are extrememly
tanned.
                                                            
                       DEREK
      (points to himself
       and MATT)
We just got back from Mexico
yesterday.
                                                            
                       MURRAY
Yeah you guys look like you've
been somewhere warm.
                                                            
                       DEREK
      (looks over to
       MATT)
Yeah, Matt did some pretty crazy
shit down there.
                                                            
                       MATT
      (guilty look on
       his face)
Yeah it was a blast.
                                                            

49.

                       JASON
Well, let's hear about it.
                                                            
                       MATT
      (still guilty)
Non stop drinking and we hit up
more bars than I can remember.
                                                            
DEREK is holding in a large amount of laughter and lets a
bit out. MATT looks at him and gives him an evil stare.
                                                            
                       MURRAY
Oh man! What did you do Matt?
                                                            
                       MATT
Forget about it, what happens in
Mexico stays in Mexico.
                                                            
                       JASON
No it doesn't! Just say it, we
won't make a big deal of it.
                                                            
                       MATT
Yes you will! Forget about it, I
don't wanna remember.
                                                            
DEREK is turning beat red but doesn't let out a sound. He
buries his face in his arm and starts pounding the table
with his fist. A couple people eating nearby start looking
over.
                                                            
                       MURRAY
C'mon Derek, tell us!
                                                            
                       DEREK
I can't, it's just too much.
                                                            
The waitress comes up to the table.
                                                            
                       WAITRESS
Are you guys ready to order?
                                                            
                       DEREK
Yeah I think so. I feel like
eating some Mexican. Eh Matt?
                                                            
                       MATT
Okay! Okay! I ate out a Mexican
hooker at the end of her shift!
                                                            
MURRAY spits out the water he was drinking and starts
coughing. JASON is disgusted and leans back in his chair

50.

putting his palms to his eyes. Sounds of people nearby are
heard. They groan and make revolted sounds. Some cutlery
dropping on plates is heard. The WAITRESS waits for someone
to say something but the table is dead quiet.
                                                            
                       WAITRESS
Shall I come ba...
                                                            
                       MATT
That would be appreciated thank
you.
                                                            
The WAITRESS walks off and leaves the four guys sitting at
the table quiet.
                                                            
                       JASON
Wow.
                                                            
                       MATT
      (looks around)
Oh christ.
                                                            
                       DEREK
I was not expecting that at all. I
was thinking you'de just give me
that stare or turn red. Now
everybody is looking at us. Way to
go.
                                                            
                       MURRAY
      (pulls out his
       cell phone)
Hey check out this picture that I
took on the way here. Jason was
driving.
                                                            
The camera zooms in on the phone and sees a picture of
inside a car with a guy driving and looking surprised
towards the camera. There is a girl giving him head. The
camera keeps focusing on the picture while MURRAY speaks.
                                                            
                       MURRAY
Jason passed the car and I leanred
out of the window and got it. He
was so shocked. And then he
crashed, it was crazy. I think
someone reported us.
                                                            
 

51.

INT. NERD SLANG - DAY
                                                            
The picture on the phone transitions to a picture on a
computer screen. The camera zooms out to show a teenager
looking at the picture on a website. He spins around 180 on
his chair.
                                                            
                       RYAN
Ha ha ha ha ha. That's so cool.
                                                            
The camera follows RYAN to a chair where he sits in. There
is a round table in front of him. There is another chair
across from him where LEE sits. There is a couch between the
two chairs where ANTHONY and WILL sit. WILL is holding a
lightsaber toy and swinging it around. There are comics,
Pokemon cards, star trek action figures, and cheezies on the
table.
                                                            
                       WILL
Do you think they'll ever invent a
real lightsaber?
                                                            
                       LEE
If so, we're all doomed.
                                                            
                       WILL
How do you figure?
                                                            
                       LEE
Cause the government would take
them to war and give the to the
soldiers. And the soldiers don't
have the force so here they are
with these laser swords while the
other side it still shooting at
them and killing them cause they
can't deflect the bullets.
                                                            
                       ANTHONY
Yeah, they should've just kept
bullets in the future cause I bet
you Luke wouldn't have the
reflexes to deflect those. But
instead they have laser beams that
travel like 60 miles an hour.
                                                            
                       RYAN
You know, out of all the battles
in Star Wars when lasers are
flying in all directions, you
would think that at some point,
two lasers would have hit each
other and bounced off each other
            (MORE)

52.

                       RYAN (cont'd)
killing random people that were
never aimed at in the first place.
                                                            
                       WILL
      (holds lightsaber
       straight up with
       both hands)
You know, lightning could strike
me and this baby would just absorb
it all.
                                                            
                       LEE
See now that was dumb. Dooku shot
all that lightning and none of it
got past Yoda's skinny little
saber.
                                                            
                       ANTHONY
Cause Yoda can concentrate all
that energy and compress it. He
probably used the force to
compress himself so it'd be easier
to do all those flips and stuff.
                                                            
                       WILL
What do you mean?
                                                            
                       ANTHONY
Well when Jedis are doing those
really high jumps they're using
the force to aid them right? Well,
Yoda has to use very little of it
because of the size of his body so
when he uses a higher
concentration, crazy things start
to happen.
                                                            
                       RYAN
I bet Yoda could fly.
                                                            
                       WILL
See this is why there are no fat
Jedi. Cause the force could not
aid them.
                                                            
                       LEE
What if someone was pushed on all
sides with the force. What would
happen? Would they suffocate or
get squished? We really need to
learn the ways. There's so many
unanswered questions.
                                                            

53.

                       RYAN
We'd be Sith. That's all there is
to it. We're talking about all
this power and craving it. Don't
you see what's happening here?
We're wanting all this power for
the wrong reasons, we want to
abuse it.
                                                            
                       ANTHONY
That's the nerdiest thing I've
ever heard.
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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